Single Black Females

I kicked off Black History Month this year watching a movie starring Gary Coleman and Cicely Tyson called Playing with Fire that has Gary cast as a fifty-five year old fifteen year old toddler-child who becomes an arsonist because his hot parents are getting a divorce. But really his biggest crime is that he is super annoying and unlikable and the arson stuff actually helps him to develop some semblance of a personality, and it was so insane and I watched it on YouTube and I think someone just uploaded a camera rip they had of a recording they made as the movie aired in real time so all the commercials were included and it was so demented to see what things were like in 1985, so scary, and yet somehow nowhere near as chilling or as baffling as things seem to be today both in real life and in the media.

So my Black History Month pretty much began and ended there. I thought, that's enough activism for the month (it was February 1st) but then I was like no let's do some more black stuff. No, nothing actually beneficial to the world or even in honor of all the great and mediocre black people that have ever lived, no, by "do more black stuff" I meant watch more weird, shitty TV movies that have my blacks in it. Most of the stuff I watch on a regular is filled with chalks. If I do one black-centered movie or show a month it's a miracle (why don't you get a LIFE?), so for this special month celebrating the birth of negroes I thought why do just one weird and shitty television movie, why not do TWO?

So I landed on the Single Black Female franchise, which apparently exists. And that's great because it helped to boost my "black stuff" numbers to not one, not two, but FOUR whole movies with a black-centric cast (I refuse to google who all was behind the camera, like let's just not get into it just in case <3).

I didn't look into anything because I'm lazy but I just assumed the movies were inspired by the film from the 90s, Single White Female, which I believe was adapted from a novel of the same name that I never read. The 90s movie was about two white women (one normal tho ginger, the other an unlovable freak who becomes obsessed with her despite the ginger thing), but Single Black Female(s) is of course about two black women and basically has a similarish premise with a little twist (they are related instead of roomies). So here's my commentary on all the screencaps I took while watching the movies instead of doing a March on Washington or whatever. #BLM

Just now realized I have no idea why the first movie is called Single Black Female. I guess the main character (the normal one), Monica, is single? She has a boyfriend in the beginning of the movie but he's a louse so I guess it doesn't count and they're broken up anyway like five minutes into the film so sure. But the normal one in this movie and the cuckoo bananas crazy one are never roommates at any point like in the original film? I feel like the white version movie from the nineties validated its title's existence a bit more because the main normalish character had to put an ad out in the paper seeking a roommate and she used "single white female" I think either to describe herself (insane) or list as a requirement for what she was looking for in a roommate (LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK WHY DOES THE RACE OF U OR UR ROOMMATE MATTER???)

I was so confused like one second into the movie because we open on a park and there's like a man and some kids I think playing happily and then we see the main character sitting on a bench dressed in all black looking morose and I was like? Okay kinda an emo diva move to be like a depressed goth mom at the park, sure. And then her friend shows up dressed as like a sexy Victorian funeral director and I was just like okay are they like theater nerds or like what is happening right now. Anyway turns out the family we saw wasn't Monica's and she was just sitting depressed at a bench looking emo for a really good reason: Her dad died and she's going to his funeral. I still don't know why the friend shows up in that outfit like that's never explained I guess she just wanted to look really sexy to go see a dead body at a church idk

Monica's slut ho friend buys her wind chimes as a gift to celebrate her father being passed away. She is so kind :)

The vibes I'm bringing to the function

You can tell Monica's boyfriend is no good because he calls her "babe" and suggests they go upstairs directly after Monica's father's funeral to have some "grief sex" (I think he just innovated that on the spot because I've never heard anyone talk about that once but you can't even commend him because he's so sleazy and despicable like what do you mean let's get to hunchin' and munchin' immediately after I just buried my dad like huh??)

This is the peepaw Monica's clearly traumatized ho friend Bebe is checkin' out at the funeral. Whatever happened to longterm in-patient treatment at a mental health facility? We really gotta get the healthcare situation situated in the states #KillMoreCEOs #FreeBigUigi

Beebs, he's 73. This is how the sisters are getting worms, please babe it can't be this bad. (Oh, btw, K. Michelle is in this movie for some reason like where is my country album but okay I guess we doing movies now)

We fast-forward a couple of weeks after the funeral and see Mon and her shitty bf have broken up and she's like randomly boxing ghosts in her bedroom so yeah that's happening (she's the normal one in this franchise, btw)

Monica's mean drunk geriatric neighbor was a vibe, idc. #RIPtoaREALONE

Love how Monica's co-host is immediately giving off sinister Whoville citizen energy straight away so it's zero surprise later when we find out she's kinda duplicitous and shitty (a white woman) and no real friend to Monica

Couldn't stand this guy that I guess is supposed to be the movie's heartthrob or something? #Okay. He's all over Monica in this scene one second after meeting her because he's like the floor director or something at Mon's TV show job and allegedly in charge of taking the mics off her body after filming is done? Sounds fake but if it's real I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be like a sensual moment? Just take the microphones off her normally without acting weird and like you're about to cum in your pants? Am I being too strict or?

So we meet the Jennifer Jason Leigh one and she looks immediately insane? Just like JJL did in the original movie, making it make NO SENSE when the Bridget Fonda one decides her crazy looking self would make the perfect roommate. In Single Black Female the crazy one is introduced as an assistant to Monica. Her job just hires her an assistant without consulting her during the hiring process and Monica is pissed and has an attitude which took me off guard a bit because while Simone (Miss Crazy) looks immediately insane and kind of like she'd be really irritating, Monica's standoffish behavior towards her made me feel kind of bad for her so now it's like whose side am I on. Whichever side benefits me the most in the longterm, if we're being honest :)

Monica's boss (?) or producer (??) is looking between her and Simone and is like side-by-side y'all is twins which seemed extremely racist, among other things, but then I caught myself throughout the first movie often mistaking one chick for the other, like one would appear on the screen and I'd be like wait is that---? So like did he lie?? I feel like he didn't. They lowkey don't look alike at all, but then they kinda do exactly? I'm not sure if a crime is being committed by saying any of this? Surely the people who worked on the movie cast them both because maybe they sorta resemble enough to make it make sense? But does that make any of it okay? So I don't have to contend with any complicated feelings we're going to say that yes it does :)

This was so funny and awkward please why was Monica being so rude but honestly #ME. Honestly I'm both of them (what do u mean by this one of those characters is quite literally a serial murderer??)

Simone overhearing Miss Whoville talking about how she would never "Tonya Harding" Monica, but that she has no issue doing what she need to do (spreading her bussy cheeks??) to secure the job (White Chick and Mon are in competition for like the lead hosting gig of some TV show that is clearly marked for Monica like be serious if the host of a TV show is not a BBW Cocoa Shawty I am NOT watching like be serious Miss Stringbean aint nobody coming to see you!!)

Mon dropping her ex's things off to him and you can see there's like a big teddy bear in the box?? Plus that cheap ass New Edition shirt that we literally see later Monica still has in her possession??

Monica broke up with her man because someone sent her a photo of him hooking up with another woman at a club. He says it wasn't him in the photo but we find out later it definitely was? I mean, he was drugged, so maybe he's saying he wasn't in his right mind? Still, despite him being date raped and clearly a victim he remains a loser and flop in my eyes and that's never changing :) #RIP!

This scene was so (unintentionally?) funny. Mon and Simone are at Mon's house drinking and chatting and Mon starts getting emotional about her dad and talking about how perfect he was and Simone looks all serious and dark in the eye talking about "Nobody is perfect" lmao and Mon is like no my dad was perfect and Simone is like nope like it was sooooo uncomfortable lmao and also it was EXTREMELY OBVIOUS that Simone is Monica's half-sister (same dad, obv). Like as soon as Simone was introduced you're like yup they're sisters lol. Maybe the movie wasn't really tryna hide it but it would've been more fun had it not been super obvious straight away, I think, tho I do think there are a couple more twists and turns later in the movie and series as a whole where ur like oh okay lmao so this "twist" was not twisting but there's some fun stuff later sorta so okay #fine

Monica was supposed to have woken up groggy and a mess from a night of heavy drinking and falling into a black hole of grief. She wakes up and apparently doesn't even remember most of the night before but looks gorgeous and dewy as if her sleep hygiene was on point and not a drop of alcohol touched her lips? She even had the fortitude and foresight in her drunken, disheveled state to wrap her hair up before falling into bed? #Ok. Honestly Simone's crazy ass probably tied her hair up for her, that seem like something she would do smh

Simone looking mentally sane and emotionally stable whilst wearing that New Edition shirt that I coulda swore Monica had returned to her ex in that box? Maybe they had a matching couple's set

Why does Monica accept food from Simone when she doesn't even know how Simone got into her home to make the food that she is eating? Nevermind how crazed in the eyes Simone looks like every second she is on screen like I'm #TeamGreedy, too, but let's use our discernment

I think it was supposed to be sweet but it was very weird to me when Monica was talking about this favorite dress of hers, she said her father bought it for her, telling her that he thought it'd look amazing against her dark skin? Um. That sounds like something a lover would say, like something a lover would write in a card presenting you some sexy dress as a gift that he wants you to wear on date night or something? Am I being too cynical, like maybe but also it was weird, period, like why did Monica act like she was grieving her husband instead of her father? Perhaps this is just how Daddy's Girls do? Idk, I think it should just all be against the law.

Why did I think it was sweet when Simone said she'd always have her sister's back? Like I completely believed her. Mind you, Monica's silly self has no idea at this point that she's sitting right next to her identical twin lol so there's a sour note of sorts but I for real believed that Simone doesn't play and we see as the franchise progesses that uh, yeah, she...definitely does not :)

So Simone ends up killing the wino who lives next door to Monica in order to move in to her home. Not sure why Simone needed to kill her as the old lady let her into the house as soon as Simone waved a wad of cash in her face. I guess it was a way to let us know that Simone means serious psycho bitch bidness. Later we see her walking around the old lady's house spraying like a can of Lysol cuz it stinks so we are to assume the old lady's body (not shown) is in the house just stanking the place up while Simone is living there? How is a corpse rotting rapidly right next door and Monica doesn't smell shit? Idk how rotting corpses work but after a week or so wouldn't the smell have wafted over to the point Monica would've needed to call someone or investigate? And how the fuck is Simone living in the house with a corpse actively rotting feet away from where she sleeps? I've never smelled a rotting corpse but I'm pretty sure it's extremely stinky so? I guess that's just more of them showing us how wacky and crazy Simone is to the degree that it comes across nonsensical and cartoonish, but hey it gets the point across nonetheless :)

Mistress of Whoville looks so silly and out of place on that poster, girl you was never getting the job

Like, literally

Am I missing something? How does Aunt Viv #1, who plays Monica's mother, know instantly that the assistifriend Monica is talking about is the bastard child her husband abandoned years ago when he was working in DC? Monica just says the assistant is from Virginia and the mom immediately looks sick like she knows something? What did I miss cuz how the hell did you automatically know Mon's new assistant was your deadbeat dead loser husband's child-on-the-side? Maybe I zoned out and Monica actually provided more detail but these movies are edited and put together so strangely that I honestly think I didn't miss anything and it just simply did not make sense but you know what who even gives a shit? Not the movie, that's for DAMN SURE

This peanut head really got on my dang nerves, PLEASE get up from out Monica's face before I have to say something that's gon' make us all upset

Not sure who or what did the subs but they just put [unintelligible] over peanut head saying "uknowwhati'msaying" which feels incredibly RACIAL but because I don't care for him I'm just gonna say it's what he deserves :)

This lady talking bout sum "feistiness" when the white girl was openly shading Monica for taking time off because her dad died? Like this isn't Bad Girl's Club, y'all are at a professional workplace and there's nothing cute about catty behavior at all especially when you're openly disrespecting a colleague but okay #justgirlbosstings I guess

The Whore of Whoville talkin' bout that was just some "fun shade" when she framed Monica taking time off to attend her father's funeral as a "vacation" #ok

Lmao this scene was so awkward when Bebe rolled up to Monica's all excited for them to have girl time only for Simone to be there, too. Like Monica is kinda fugazi for not telling Bebe that Simone would be there, Bebe does not even know her and it's mad awkward plus she only bought two bottles of wine what Simone gonna drink???

Monica and Simone are really standing there giving family reunion teas. Monica lowkey slow for taking the entire movie to realize Simone is her baby sister lol

I thought it was funny Bebe auto thinks Simone is sus, because she really doesn't have a reason to, like I think this is her very first time meeting Simone lol but I guess Big Bebe was just blessed with supernatural gifts (moderate discernment abilities that clearly her homegirl Monica completely lacks) that enable her to see beyond the veil. She's like oh so Ms. Flecther TEXTED YOU? lol and honestly it made sense that this would raise alarm bells that Ms. Fletcher who is old as heck and hates people would be textin on the phone to Simone of all individuals. Lowkey Bebe should get into private investigation *wink wink*

Why was Bebe sleeping on the couch like this she is so mannequin-that-came-to-life coded to me

Why does he have to touch her #ArrestHim

Simone steps into work out of nowhere one day on some shitted on 'em type shit, I'm pretty sure to impress peanut head, and he is definitely impressed and clearly flirting with her. I don't think he's necessarily the villain for being interested in both Monica and Simone, but I don't like him so therefore he should be tried at the hague. However, he did not lie tho Simone looked tf good in this scene like I will give him that but he needs to stop calling her Ms. First Day it's not even her first day anymore it never even made sense when it was her first day and it lowkey make him look slow and corny AF #NotBeatingthePeanutHeadAllegations

Monica also giving Simone her tens for coming through with the COME THROUGH. Too bad she's insane, like it sucks when a diva gets a glow up but it's on some bird or psychotic shit like it would be cute if you was normal :/

Lmao Simone gets mad when she finds out Monica is going out on a date with peanut head who is apparently (allegedly) called Eric. We see her in the elevator having like a three second freak out and punch the elevator walls (not even with her knuckles, just the side of her fist so it don't even hurt). Like come on Lifetime y'all can do better than this! When a psycho character goes alone to have a freak out I need to see foam coming out they mouth and their eyeballs popping out they head like Simone aint even break a sweat smh

Girly who's gonna be okay (just a million more murders and also framing her bestie/sister for the majority of the crimes and then she'll be GOOD)

Why was "Eric" acting like he shitted on himself when Simone asked him about his date with Monica? Nah, he moving weird. If you was living right you wouldn't be acting like that idc

I was so confused why Eric was allowing Simone to intimidate him? I kept thinking he was lowkey running a scheme on Monica and afraid Simone had picked up on it and would tell her? The worst thing we see him do is flirt with both divas so maybe he was afraid Simone would spill to Mon he'd been flirting with her, too? Idk I think he was just a lame and functionally special needs

Ah she said the title of the movie!!

Bebe broaches the subject of Simone Being Sus and Monica immediately shoots it down, saying she trusts Simone, for no reason really because she don't even know her like that. Bebe is triggered by how obtuse Monica is acting and brings up how she trusted her ex and look what happened with that. Kinda nasty but necessary. Not that it really moves Monica though as she doesn't begin to really suspect Simone until something cartoonishly obvious happens to finally wake her ass up. Daddy's girls never beating the slow allegations, I fear :/

Mr. Handsome McHeartthrob bathed in bisexual lighting for some reason in this scene

Monica is on her date with Eric and brings up how Bebe suggested Simone might be clinically insane. We know Eric has had his run-ins with Simone and knows first-hand that something aint right but he doesn't say anything about his personal experiences with her. Hmm, how odd. Why would he not mention that Simone blatantly threatened him? Like yeah she is cray she did blah blah, he just makes a shady face and takes a swig of his gay little beverage like okay nothing sus or fugazi about him at all. Maybe it's too much to expect him to get involved and mess up his situation at work but he is too weak and sus-seeming to be framed as the love interest for the female lead. Though maybe it's not that serious because in movie 2 he is not mentioned at all it's like he didn't even exist lol so maybe he was right to just mind his business and keep his mouth shut #LiterallymeifIwereamaleloveinterestinafemalecenteredlifetimemoviethriller

Simone turning up in that dress Monica's dad bought her that he thought she would look so sexy in :)

This actually happens: Simone is like hiding behind some doorway in Monica's house watching as Monica and Eric get it on freaky style in the hallway and as she watches them secretly, creepily, she begins to touch and pleasure herself? ?????? Who tf watches their own sibling getting freaky and becomes aroused? This was like the most demented thing Simone does to me mind you she is a straight up serial killer like she beheaded an old lady but nothing she does comes even a little bit close to this moment literally how could someone get aroused watching their sibling get hunched on over the clothes by a pea head dingaling slinger? Just weird behavior. Well, she's from Virginia so I guess it makes sense.

Eric only being able to go one round is SO HIM. Like we learn basically nothing about him except that he is a floor director and can only last like a minute in bed but it really feels like a total and complete characterization. Like, that's Eric. That's it and that's all type teas.

Simone is trying to sneak out of Monica's house without detection but is making comically loud footsteps as she does so

This was so unserious. Monica catches Simone sneaking out of her home and is like ??? And Simone is like lmao oh I 4got to drop off your keys :) And Monica has basically low/no reaction like she is kinda cartoonishly incurious for the majority of the movie, so much so that you don't even really care about Simone doing all That Stuff. Like if Monica don't care why should I

The way Simone was standing here was so funny to me, and why does she keep hounding Eric like how is he even relevant to her evil schemes lol

Eric looking so depressed and drained is so funny to me I genuinely don't understand their interactions or why he is involved or relevant at all

Monica's mom was so sinister-coded in this scene lol like whose side are we supposed to be on? She basically calls Simone a bastard and has zero empathy for the situation her piece of shit, thankfully deceased husband put her through. She just cuts a check to Simone for like 100k and tells her to leave Monica alone. Like it wanted to give Mama Bear but her whole attitude towards Simone just seemed outlandish like she don't even know Simone a serial killer who masturbates to her sister catching weak dack from a peanut head like she's doing all that just to do it lol

This waiter was so happy to serve a mental patient

Me when the movie pushes Eric as some Mr. Sexy Loverboy archetype

Simone showing Mon's mom Ms. Fletcher's decapitated head :) It's giving look what I can do. Why did Monica's mom even open the door to Simone after disrespecting her so flagrantly at the restaurant earlier? I woulda just automatically assumed she was there to kill me? I thought maybe back at the restaurant she was displaying her Mother's Intuition by telling Simone to stay away from Mon, like she just knew something wasn't right with Simone instinctively but...then why later let her into your home and she has a backpack and everything like girl you're getting murdered what's not clicking?? (she doesn't actually? But we also never see or hear from her again in the movies following this one?? So she probably should've just been killed??)

Monica finally goes by Ms. Fletcher's and it stanks like corpse as soon as she opens the door but for some reason proceeds further into the domicile anyway like if I open the door to a place and it reeks of doodoo and feces and brain matter and disintegrated skull and dried out bone marrow and shit um I am not pushing forward like I will turn around and either call the police or go to White Castle and get some onion rangs and a milkshake like the characters are so...special in this movie. Very special.

[flies buzzing] Why do characters in movies LOVE walking into homes where it smells distinctly of rotted booty meat with all types of flies buzzing about the air like why do you think this is a place you need to be or inspect? The only time it makes sense is when it's police but even then it's like just quit your job if it's gon be all that. Like the only cop I'm about to be is the type standing around playing Candy Crush on my phone while ignoring all pleas of help or cries of terror like let's just be realistic!

Did anyone think it was cute/sweet when Simone stopped herself from grabbing the letter opener to stab her sister to death with? :')

Why does Monica still have a baby doll in her bedroom. Pretty sure it's her bedroom at her mom's house that I assume she just keeps up for Monica but it's weird, no? Or am I being too strict again? Am I hating on Monica for having a loving and normal upbringing or is she like lowkey kinda weird like her family is kinda weird right why is her mom like a Cruella-level villain and why did her dad buy her a sexy dress to wear because he thought it'd look nice on her body like there's something very creepy in a monied family way about them but you know what let's just gloss over it - no family is perfect, right? :)

Simone is sleeping like five feet away from this the entire movie, btw :)

Oh, that's um...what's his face---Darnell? Idk, but aww, so sad, right? Aw, RIP :(

I feel really badly for Simone's shitty, ghetto, poverty-stricken ass upbringing, but I think if she just approached Monica normally she would've been embraced and everything would've been fine? I think. Mon did seem really obsessed with her dad so Simone would've had to come to her like hey I'm the bastard your dad never told you about whoops so maybe it wouldn't have worked and Simone knew that and that's why she did all that crazy stuff? Idk I feel like Mon would've been upset for a bit but then gotten over it and embraced her sister like I genuinely feel like she would've loved to have a cute sister bond even if the circumstances aren't perfect or things start out kinda iffy. Idk maybe not lmao, plus also Simone would have to be a totally different person like her upbringing would have had to have been way more stable and sane for her to approach on some hey i'm not a murderer I'm just normal :) type shit so

It's like five minutes b4 the movie ends and Monica is just now realizing Simone is her sister lmao

I really believed Monica when she said this but also she's expressly saying it to manipulate Simone out of killing her in the moment so :)

The flashback when we see Simone and her dad on a date at a bar? Nothing weird there :)

It was a true gag (TO ME) when it was revealed Simone had killed their father, though I prob should've realized when it was revealed earlier she also killed her mother. Simone just a slicing and dicing, honestly #girlbosstings like if a nigga in your way cut 'em down! I aint mad at it!!

We BEEN KNEW Monica was gonna get the job as host of the Tea Time Show #NoCompetition

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Monica's evil mother stands up in the studio audience to show off the tee she's wearing that says "That's My Daughter" like she's some trailer park Newports mom cheering on her forty year old teen mother daughter down to The Price is Right #GirlMom

Movie 1 ends by showing us that Bebe has finally found a man. We don't learn his name and quite literally never see or hear from him again but yay congrats!!

Movie 2 is called Single Black Female 2: Simone's Revenge but I'm confused cuz I thought that's what the first movie was about? Simone getting her getback at the people who destroyed her childhood? I guess now she has to get revenge on Monica for...defending herself from Simone being insane? Ok :)

Movie 2 opening up showing us Monica like looking at a photo of her shitty dad and saying she forgives him. Oh, it's not that simple, babe :)

We get a cute little expo-dump moment at the start of movie 2 revealing that Mon and Bebe have moved/are moving to Seattle to work on like some sort of true crime TV show. Monica will be on-camera talent and Bebe will work there as a hairstylist yay!