Kevin Hart: What Now? (2016) & etc

So over the course of two tired ass days, I made the mistake of watching a handful of comedy specials on Netflix. Sometimes when I'm mad tired but like too tired to sleep? I'll just watch like stand-up shit. I don't know, but please help me. 

So on...Tuesday, I finally broke down and watched those new Chappelle stand-ups. I was mad nervous, because he's like my fave, but I haven't seen anything from him in a minute and I was just like oh god...what's this gonna be. Like I see pics of Dave currently and he looks like Bokeem Woodbine's alcoholic uncle-daddy, and for some reason that made me think he fell all the way off in as many ways as one possibly can fall all the fucking way off. 

The stand-up specials...weren't impressive. I'm watching and thinking that Dave hasn't really grown. That being said, they made me happy. I like the way he tells stories, so even if the jokes aren't like super hard-hitting or whatever, I am just happy to be along for the ride, so after churning through those two specials I was kinda feeling empty like What Now? (FORESHADOWING!!). Dave has a deal with Netflix, right? Like I heard he had the deal for the specials, but also to do other things? God I hope so. My whining ass needs so much more. 

So it's the next day and I feel dead inside. That's usual every day shit for me lol it wasn't really cuz of Dave but let's blame him because he has weed lips :') Okay so I decide to watch Louie CK's newest special. I don't want to like Louie CK, but he...I love him :/ I just do. I LOVE his show. It's my fave type of show: mad pretentious. Like, that's my FAVORITE thing. Do you understand? So I'm pretty happy he exists. But he's like some fat white bald dude, and apparently like half Mexican? Like WTF none of this should be anything I'm here for, you know what I mean? But can we talk about...like okay so I watch his show, right? Louie's dad on the show was Mexican, but I thought it was like how he made his ex-wife black. Him just being all ~artsy~ or whatever. I didn't actually think he in real life had a Mexican dad. Like smh, but if you look like really hard in his face (DON'T) you can kinda see. 

So...Louie's stand-up--OKAY. So after Louie I watched Kevin Hart's whole ass stand-up movie smh. He had my barely acting bae Halle and my good acting bae Don Cheeto in it and like special effects and thunder sounds and shit lol and like all I can really think the whole time is...how many times do I have to hear Kevin Hart talk about his son's FLOPS? You know what I mean? You probably don't if you've only seen like...this movie and none of his other stand up. Why have I seen so much Kevin Hart stand-up?? What the fuck am...what the fuck am I doing? When Kevin Hart first was getting big...I guess I was getting into it? You know those specials he had and I think like Shaq or whatever was in the audience? They were funny.. I think around that time prob Katt Williams was my fave (<.<), and like...I would watch Katt stand up and then be depressed because it was over lol so I'd try to satiate myself with Kevin stand-up. Katt is like...Taco Bell. And Kevin is...Great Value...frozen bean burritos? I guess. Like not even meat or anything. Just like two different beans. And it's like...fine. This has protein probably. But Taco Bell will put like a quarter of a teaspoon of what might be pico de gallo on your shit, so, you know? Like a thousand times better. But whatever, Kevin's fine. But now he's like super-huge and...i don't know. Katt's funnier, but because he won't let some illuminati crow-man peg him with a pogo-stick that has Swarovski crystals on it, he can't be Great? Lame. 

Louie's stand-up, of the three dudes, was the strongest. Most concise and overall funniest. Y'all can't be out here letting this halfxican be funnier than you. It's wrong and uncomfortable-making for everyone. But I'll give Kevin a pass maybe. Didn't before he became a ~funnyman~ he used to work at Foot Locker? Most people who've worked at Foot Locker don't ever get to be described as someone who "used" to work there. It seems you live and die in that striped shirt, you know? So Kevin, who is like the size of a fucking Lego Man, has come pretty far. So I'm not gonna come for him too much. He still corny tho lol. 

The one off-thing for me with Louie's stand-up was the voices. None of that needed to be happening. And I mean none of it. But I still laughed, so what are we really doing here? Dave had wayyyy more off bits in his sets. Like, a lot lol. But I liked his the best idk!!! What I liked the mostest about all three of them were the jokes about their kids. I feel it's the strongest material they have, maybe? I don't know, it just is for me. Like my fave thing Dave did was the bit about him and his son going to see Kevin. He coulda did like thirty minutes on that and I would have been perfectly happy. Even Kevin, who seems repeaty about his kids, especially his son - like those are his best bits, so I can see why he sticks to them. Though I also really liked the Starbucks thing, but that needed some cleaning up. 

It was weird though to watch Kevin's stand-up, after Dave and Louie's. Like kind of an awkward chasm of like....talent? Idk. Kevin is just...extra corny and extra-extra lol. Like it's funny sometimes but he taking it too far, I think? Or...The People, I guess? With hyping him. But they love it, so what can you say lol idk. It's fine. But can we talk about Dave's ~jealousy~~~~~~~?????? Like...he was the biggest. And then he gave it all up. LIKE, miss me with tryna complain about Key & Peele, you know? No one told you to sprint your goofy looking ass to Africa. If shit was getting weird, he shoulda stayed his ass here and unweirded it. He's whack, and if he ends up on Dancing with the Stars imma laugh, and then be upset that I'll have to watch the show. I've never seen one episode of that show because the title is a lie. Call me when you got fuckin uhhhhhhhh Meryl Streep or some shit up there. But anyway, let's just all be happy Carlos Mencia stopped happening. And I think Dane Cook did, too. Very good, everyone. 

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Kevin Hart: What Now?

The Main Event (1979)

I have a crush on Barbra Streisand. She's sexy, with her nose and nails and oft-times (at least before the nineties) confusing coiffure. So I like watch her movies just to watch her. There are worse things, okay, so let's just...move on. 

This movie...was bad. First of all, Ryan O'Neal is in it. Every time I look at Ryan O'Neal all I can think about is how awful of a father and human he is, and how he prob lowkey killed Farrah Fawcett. He's just, like, a demon. Or a white dude, whatever. Tomato schomato! So idk why I...watch things he's in. He's just one of those where I can't see past their monsterness. Like Kirk Douglas, or Will Smith. But I had to see this. Actually, I wanted to see What's Up, Doc? and for two seconds I thought maybe this was that, but quickly learned it wasn't, but was like okay fine can't find What's Up, Doc?, next best thing is...whatever the fuck this is.

What is this? Barbra plays some CEO or some shit of a fragrance company. She's rich, and then she's not when her manager or accountant or ex-husband or who the fuck ever tells her some dude ran away with all her funds? Or made poor investments for her? Or some other money jargon that I barely paid attention to. Just know Babs loses all her money. The only asset she has left is a boxer, played by Ryan O'Neal. I guess for some sort of tax purposes reason, she was advised to get rid of some of her money through buying this dude's contract. Ryan, who is obviously not a dude beating anyone up in a ring, but maybe in a marriage or crib, is not actually a fighter. Well, he used to be. But he realized he sucked or got weak or whatever, so is just chilling and collecting his paycheck from Babs. 

Okay but she lost all her money, so no more paycheck. Babs gets it in her head, as clearly a desperate attempt, to go and visit Ryan at the boxing ring where he mostly just plays cards, and ask him for the money he owes her. I know I'm dumb, like, really dumb, but there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of logic being applied here. Lowkey it seems a lot of random shit is being made up, just to kind of have some shit to say until we can get Barbra and Ryan in a room and have the ~*~sparks fly~*~. 

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Wasn't feeling the chemistry between the two. Like their first meeting, I was kind of over the whole movie at this point. We're like twenty minutes in and I'm like....mmm no thanks. You know who I would have liked as the boxer? James Caan. Not sure if it would be believable--Like, there was a huge Loser element to the boxer character. Ryan O'Neal plays that well, obviously, but not like at all the boxer part? And then the being a believable romantic sparring partner for Babs??? James would slay that, I think? I mean, the chem between Babs and Ryan wasn't completely non-existent, and I did start getting into their little white people thing as the movie moved on, but definitely initially I wasn't seeing it, and I feel that was kind of important? Cuz you know it's gonna be some romance shit, so I want to see it immediately, not have to cringingly force myself to squint its existence into place so I can make the viewing experience slightly less unbearable. That's not how any of this is supposed to work. 

So, natch, Babs figures a way for her to make money: Ryan will go out and do boxing and win championships or whatever. Okay, sis, just kill him and sell his organs. Like at this point you just making everyone uncomfortable with your embarrassing ass attempts to not have to resort to trying to sell your soul on ebay, and then ebay taking the listing down citing fraud or something, because they know you don't really have one to sell. 

Ryan is not good at fighting because he is white and Ryan O'Neal. So he's losing and it's embarrassing. I guess he gets better at some point? Idk, but some money man comes on the scene, and implies that the moneymaker of their situation, is Babs and Ryan's contentious relationship. He suggests that's more intriguing and marketable than Ryan's comeback? I agree, I guess? But if you watch the movie it's just all really fucking stupid, so ultimately the moneymaker is everyone pretending this movie never existed, and moving on :)

Wait, can we talk about that weird stuff with Babs being the only woman in the cabin with all those dudes. And like, all black and some latino dudes????????????????? And she was all scared they were gonna rape her. And then it was implied they definitely were planning on it until some old head was like cum on guys!! And they didn't? But they clearly wanted to????????????????

The seventies, man.

This movie was bad. 

But watch it so you have to see with your eyes what burned mine own. I will not go down alone.

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The Main Event

Wherein I Try 2 Remember a Movie I Seent Months Ago, Ep 2: The Watcher (2016)

So there's a black dude and a white chick and they're moving into a new home. The black dude is played by that zesty, dread-having vampire from Twilight, so you know immediately not to care about what happens to them.  

There's some creepy neighbor lady with a slowbus son who is like around all the time. Delivering cookies and shit and just being kind of a lowkey intrusion on the couple. It's like right away obvious that the neighbor lady is nefarious. This is one of those ~creepy house happenings~ type movies, but you can kinda gleam immediately that this isn't going to be a haunted house type of deal. Like as soon as we meet the neighbor lady she is instantly creepy, but being fake like she's just a long-suffering mom to some idiot son. It's like...it was obvious she wasn't a red herring (though she kind of was??), it was just obvious, whatever weird shit that was about to happen, would involve her somehow.  

So the neighbor lady is poisoning the Woman Lead slowly over time. I don't know if the movie like doesn't want us to know this, but they do all these ominous, not at all subtle close-ups on the food as the woman is getting sicker and sicker and it's like, kaduh.  Then there's all this weird stuff with some bird person. It's like some giant bird haunting the house, I guess? Anyway, DUH, turns out all the happenings were being caused by the neighbor lady. Her backstory was wild whack, too. Like, the house the lead couple moved into, the neighbor lady has been trying to get since like the seventies. I think her family used to have it, but it was taken from them maybe or went into foreclosure? And maybe apparently she was supposed to have the house at one point, but an Asian couple moved in before she could get it. SOOO she starts poisoning the wife half of that Asian couple, and then when she gets super-sick, she poses as a nurse so she can get into the house and further sicken the woman until she dies. Those were the previous inhabitants of the house, then the current swirl couple moves in. 

I guess the crazy neighbor bitch tried to get the house after the Asian couple evacuated, but lost the bid to cookies and cream? And it's like, maybe chill? Lol, like for two seconds of your life, take a fucking chill pill. Whose crazy ass is spending mad time tryna poison people to death so they move out of a house you feel you deserve to own? Like, all that time you're spending shopping for poisoning and crazy bitch supplies, you could be making more money for your house-buying savings, or, I DON'T KNOW, getting your ass on zillow and finding another house???? Lol, like, what is you doing??

So towards the end, everyone finds out about the neighbor lady and her crazy schemes. The one black dude from Twilight the whole time was never really feeling the neighbor lady. He got them nigga spidey senses. Crazy bitch alert. But his wife was one of them, so couldn't see. She just saw another fellow WW and was all :). STUPID!  

But PLOT TWIST, I guess?, turns out her slow bus son was like the mastermind behind all the crazy shit? I don't think so, though? I'm pretty sure it was mostly the mom? But maybe the son did some things? Lol they tried to pull a ~he's not really a retard he's Keyser Söze~>~> type deal where he switched from drooling to sneering with menace and pleasurement. And they implied he was the one killing everyone??? Um idk because it clearly seemed like it was just the mom. All of that was dumb, I think.

But check this. Ol' Ebony and Ivory head asses fucking, like, adopt this kid. Lol and this is a big bitch. This is practically a grown man. They're like you'll never be harmed again, and he in the backseat grinning to himself in an evil way and you know these idiots gon' get burned (like literally set on fire - i think the movie explained he was an arsonist?). But you don't care because you didn't connect to the main characters. Mainly cuz that n-word from Twilight had like a small fro and his hairline looked weird and there's just always something off about the interracial relationships in movies. Like they get the darkest dude lol and then some corny, Melissa George knock-off and you're like, girl hurry up and human centipede these fools or whatever so I can write my shitty blogpost about it and never think about this mess ever again. k great thanks :) no thank youuu!! thanks!!!

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The Watcher

Wherein I Try 2 Remember a Movie I Seent Months Ago, Ep 1: Flatliners (1990)

This is one of those movies that I thought was something else. There's some movie where Kevin Bacon turns into Capri Sun liquid or something, right? I used to watch that all the time when I was a kid and wanted to rewatch it as an adult, and I thought that was this. It wasn't. HOLLOW MAN! That's what that mess is called. I used to watch that all the time when I was like, seven lol, and would be extra creeped out. Hollow Man and that movie with the big sand worm. Lol is Kevin even in that? Idk, but I've been stanning for K-Bake since I was like a baby. He seems hella unproblematic. I'm sure he's insane, like all the rest, but he has that cute nose and literally has never made me feel uncomfortable for him while watching one of his movies, lol, so he gets an A-okay from me. Please don't tell me anything weird or wrong about him, I will kill you! 

Now :) Let's talk about this movie Flatliners. Without looking up any information about it, including who was fucking in it, or why I cared. Okay it has...Kevin, the bae...uh, Julia Roberts, and curly haired Julia, when you can kinda see why she became a movie star maybe...Kiefer Sutherland, whose fucking name is Kiefer, uhhhhh...fucking one of the Baldwins. Too lazy to look, but the hot one I think. Lowkey, Alec the hot one to me? He thick and angry, so. Also has anyone seen NewTCM lately? It's awkward, but Alec's thick ass is a good fit, I think. But tell me why David Letterman's ugly ass was tryna drag Alec for saying Monty Clift was handsome? UM, HE WAS??? David Letterman a hater. Anyone who like, does a talk show is a hater. Who wants to interview people? He just mad that if Monty Clift was alive he'd pay his old ass dust AND OMG WHY CAN'T I FOCUS?! 

So!!! Kevin, Julia, Kiefer, one of the Baldwins, and...that fat dude. Smh what's his name. Oliver Platt! They're all...doctors. Or doctors in training, maybe? Sure. Kiefer I think is doing an experiment about death. Trying to see if he can revive people if they die? His experiment is LITERALLY INSANE. I might be remembering it wrong, but it definitely at least involves him putting WHOLE ALIVE HUMAN BEANS TO DEATH and then resuscitating them. I think he wants to know what people see in ~the afterlife~? Which is so weird for like a doctor to care about? Or was that his goal? Because I remember him ignoring when Kevin and etc were complaining about the weird shit happening to them after they were resurrected? I think his goal was less like spiritual and more...idk. But not necessarily trying to talk to God or whatever. 

So FOR SOME REASON, these doctors like participate in this experiment and no one is screaming at the top of their lungs about having to get put to death and trust their fellow doctors to bring them back alive? What? These niggas are crazy. They deserve what happens to them after they visit the afterlife, ngl. So what happens? They die and go to hell or heaven or somewhere in between, and when they come back to life, spirits and shit is haunting them. But it's like...I guess their past sins, or things they feel guilty about that haunts them and the haunting doesn't go away until they confront it. 

So Kevin's character, for instance, is being haunted by some little black girl. And I was about to side-eye this movie extra-quick for having some mean black girl bully, but it turns out that Kevin used to bully her when they were kids. Kevin's character is like a ~good guy~ so he immediately finds this woman whose beedabees he used to flick his fingers at on the playground, and apologizes to her for harassing her when they were young. I woulda told his skeletor looking ass to keep on, but it was an almost sweet scene with him and his former victim. So okay Kevin makes amends and his haunting ends.

Kiefer's character, conversely, is a douche. So his haunting is similar to Kevin's, in that he's being haunted by a kid he used to bully, but because Kiefer is a pos, he's getting his ass torn up and yanked out non-stop. Which is...hilarious. Like, this ghost boy is beating the shit outta Kiefer with wrenches and shit lol. Turns out, Kiefer and some kids were harassing this boy when he was stuck up in a tree. Or they harassed him up into the tree. Either way, someone throws a rock maybe and the boy falls from the tree and dies. It was weird...how when Kiefer was telling everyone what he'd done, they were tryna act like oh you were just a kid, it was not your fault, blah blah. Um, so, and yes it was?? Your actions were directly responsible for that boy's death. Shouldn't've been bullying his ass. I forgot if he was able to get rid of his haunting, but know I don't care if he was, because he was a douche and he has a big head.

Julia's thing was that her father came back from war when she was a kid I think and killed himself. He was a drug addict in between that? She blamed herself for his death, which was a suicide. Um, I thought Julia's one was weird, because in no way was she responsible for his suicide? So it was weird for her to be getting haunted by him in like an ominous way. But it kind of ended up that she got to have a last goodbye with her dad, which she didn't get when she was a kid. So that was sweetish.

The Baldwin had a weird one. Not as bad as Kiefer's maybe? But maybe? He'd been violating women by secretly recording them while they had sex. So he had all these tapes of these woman. Oh, and also he had a fiancé. So he's a gross womanzier and kinda rapey lowkey, so he's getting haunted by all these woman talking shit to him. Does he ever make amends. Lol I can't remember, but his fiancé def breaks up with his ass. Was that his amends?

I don't know! I don't remember how the movie ended, but I remembered mostly liking it as a whole. It had a good atmosphere. And kept me interested the whole way through, despite more than occasional corniness. It's like some early nineties movie, so that's to be expected. But this was pretty good, with an interesting story. I should ~review~ movies I barely remember more because I am being way too nice. This movie was probably hot garbage. But maybe not. I kind of wish this was a TV show. I mean, not now. It'd be shit now, but if they had expanded this back when it was made and I could binge it on hulu or netflix now lol. Like ER meets X-Files with a sprinkle of Twin Peaks. Maybe. I mean, it's not gonna happen so idk why I'm even thinking about it. But I really liked the dynamics of the doctor squad in the film and felt it would be cool to see their stories spread out over a longer time period? But again, not gonna happen, and NO, don't want that in this day and age, PLEASE DON'T PUT THIS ON TV IN ANY WAY. (Unless maybe Bryan Fuller does it???)

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Flatliners

Arrested Development

AD just got renewed for some new seasons, right? Good. I hope it goes on forever? Like that's not realistic, but I look at a show like Always Sunny that is just forever going for no reason (I'm glad about it) and I wish this for like so many other shows? Well, no. Just like my cult comedy faves. Ugh, this post has barely begun and it just needs to be over already. But AD getting renewed and put on Netflix was weird, right? I was excited but it took a minute for me to get into season four. Everyone looked pretty diff with the exception of Lucille 1, George, and Baby Buster. I'm looking like whoa why is GOB hot and why would Michael Cera's soul chose a grandma as its host body? But I recently binge-watched the whole series all in one big go and it was easier to digest this time around. I almost lowkey love season 4...well, once I get past the George eps. Can I just say that I do not like George? lol, like. Way too much focus on him. I mean, no, there seems to be...maybe an equal focus on everyone, but like...I do not care for George. Lowkey it might just be Jeffrey Tambor? Because I watch Transparent and I am like...I am not here for this lol. Like I enjoy the show eventho it's extremely awful, but he does nothing for me as the titular Trans Parent of the series. I am looking at this fool like............is this some ugly, rude dude in a dress? Hard Pass. And then here as George I am...simply not feeling it. Comedy-wise he is not giving me what I like. Though I guess a few times he's had his moments? But mostly no. But fine I guess? Because there are so many other characters, but in seas4 it was...hard to swallow because the episodes were sectioned up character by character and they put the two George eps in the beginning. HARD NO.

Who's my favorite Blüth? So hard!! Okay my fave character overall is prob..? Tobias. That's my baby with his bald ass. He's so cute lol like I just want him to be happy. He's not a Bluth tho. When I first watched the series, I think my fave was GOB. Those sandals and him screaming about five thousand dollar suits and candy beans and constantly talking about making huge mistakes was just an obvious choice, right? But over time my tastes have refined...and now I don't know. I feel like Buster. I love any Buster scenes, Tony Hale is so fucking funny to me. But I also really love Michael? When I first watched the series I kinda accepted him as just a str8 man. Like the one with ~*~common sense~*~. But I was pretty young when I first started watching this lol now I'm like...Michael may be the worst of all. Because he's like put up as the one with a few thinking crumbs, but makes just as many ridiculous/terrible choices as the rest of his family whom no one holds to any standards? So that's pure comedy lol. But maybe my fave Bluth is Lucille. Like what is not the best about Lucille? She is my inspiration. Is that okay? No! But it's happening! Mmmmm I can't choose, because Buster and his juice obsession is just like, the only thing I've ever seen in media that exactly understood me? I just don't know! 

 

Okay, so I feel weird because after all these years I still ship George Miguel and Maeby. It's almost an authentic romanceship for me? Like I ship them how I ship relationships in shows that aren't as ridiculous and that you can take like at least 1% seriously? I don't know, I kind of want help, but I also really want them to be baes. But it would be weird as fuck. Also you can tell Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat have like a friend-like relationship off-screen (I literally have no idea if they do smh), so like it'd be weird if they were booed up. But the show could make it funny. But also beautiful. Like, LEGIT! Gob and Tony Wonder's bromance is SO CUTE. Like, I was getting into it in a serious way. Please! I also legit ship Lucille 1 and Buster. Some of the relationships are really cute, sorry lol. I mean, not cute cute. Everyone is terrible, but, cute in an absurdist, bizarro world way, I guess leave me alone!  

 

I really love all the layers of jokes. This is what I loved the most about the series when I first watched it. It satisfies my OCD for them to be constantly referencing shit and Russian Dolling jokes within jokes. I also love how this is probably why people weren't checking for the show initially, and still prob don't now? Obviously this show has a dedicated fanbase, but it's not some 50 million views an ep type Big Bang Theory deal. I could see people watching this like casually and being lowkey annoyed like...wtf is this. Which I live for. This is my type of humor but anyway when will I die :')  

A soupçon of questions that I need answered before season 5:

-Was that makeup on Steve Holt? A lot of that looked like just him........? But anyway, more screen time for Steve Holt? Underused, imho.

-Remember when Egg was on that show State of Grace and she was like cute? Did she just stay in that body, but got older? I can't be the only bitch who watched that show for three episodes when it was on like ABC Family or whatever and Maeby was her best friend in it and I literally have no fucking idea what it was even about but I remember thinking the little blonde girl was cute and then the next time I see her she on this show looking like she got stuck in her neck and swear to fucking god I thought she just looked like that for the show but I think the actress just look like that in general lol no shade it's fine but I just know I'm not the only bitch who has been brought on this confusing journey. But shout out to Alia Shawkat I love her freckled ass put her in good shit that I can care about, not that Search Party mess on TBS okay thankx <3

-I'm screaming, but why was the photo George Michael had on his phone for his dad in his contacts (why would u construct this sentence like this) him asking "Her?"? Why--how would George Maharis even get that pic lol laughs for days, Arrested Development! Laughs for days...

-But GOB was not this hot before, right? Aint these white bois supposed to be getting uglier as they spoil? Will Arnett out here looking like Krave jerky, but I am buying it. lolnojk that shit mad expensive do I look like I'm made of candy beans??!!

-BEES?!?!

-Do you know I used to have, like, some weird crush on Ron Howard? This was back in my days thinking that gingers were attractive. Dark times. But anyway, is he in the illuminati? Also, how come he never works with Bryce? Is he a hater? I'm getting hater teas. Like, Bryce coulda played his daughter in the show instead of Isla Fischer who is not even a Great Value Amy Adams, but like...some fucking dirty store in Australia that sells dingo protectors for babies. And it's like, no thanks! We don't even have dingos in America. I think. Anyway, this Rebel Alley storyline is weak but I feel like I'll have to keep seeing it next season? Great :')

-We're never doing that Rita storyline again, right? Please don't.

-I need like, WAY MORE Argyle Austero. I had to look up who plays him and the internet told me something called Tommy Tune. Is that...is that this person's birth name? I want to die, and meet him. No, I need to meet him. I am so upset Prince died before I could meet his physical form and have him scratch at me with something covered in glitter, but Tommy Tune is still alive and I need it! He's one of those mad tan, suspicious-looking Jeff Goldblumy type white people and YOU KNOW that's my fave type of White™! Please. PLEASE! 

-Naming a character Debris...is like.......the funniest thing I have ever seen. I don't even know if it's that actually inherently funny in like a scientific way, but every time they said her name I felt like pooping. So, like, more Debris? Just so characters will keep saying her name?? Please.

-I was dying @ GM having never met Lucille 2 or even knowing whom she is. Will their paths finally collide? Next week on Dragon Ball Z 

-What were those random scenes that looked green-screened? They were awkwardly placed. Like when Lucille 2 was at Lucille 1's trial and they were arguing. Or Lucille 1 doing her audition for Tobias' play. Or that awkward mess with George Michael punching his daddy in the face? That last one I get, but...do you really need green screen for that? Mikey Cera can't fake punch? You know, maybe not. But speaking of this, what's gonna pop auf next season? This seas with Michael invading GM's space at college was so funny. This was maybe the worst I've ever seen Michael and I am living. I hope this show just makes him worse and worse, because it's the best and best. But why is George Michael salty? Didn't his dad steal his bae before? That teach? And he even pushed up on Maeby a few times lol so he should be used to this by now cum on.

-Wait but why on every episode did it say Michael Cera as ~*~consulting producer~*~? I feel like there's an unintentionally funny explanation and I NEED IT.

-There wasn't enough Buster. Will there be more Buster next season? I will just pretend Tony Hale was super-busy filming Veep, a show that wasn't cancelled and didn't have to get moved to Netflix with their suspicious, unreliable ass algorithms :) And that's why there wasn't as much of him :) But there better be much of him next seaz :) Or else :)

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Arrested Development 

Burning Sands (2017)

I watched this movie because #AquariusBae Trevante Rhodes is in it, and for no other reason but. Oh, no, also I heard a bunch of people were upset with this film? I'm assuming because of how it ~exposed~ the hazing aspect of some of these black fraternities? Is it even called fraternity? I have no idea. I went to college for 1 year and spent the majority of my time in my dorm watching Hulu and Netflix. That's the first time I binged Arrested Development. Good times. loljk they were gonna expel me. Turns out, you kind of have to go to class! lol they whilin!! But anyway people feeling salty about a movie is always gonna make me want to watch, so I did, and vaguely regretted it :')

So Burning Sands is about...some bs, tbh. It's really hard for me to watch something like this because I don't comprehend the mentality of someone who'd want to join a fraternity/sorority, and think with any part of their brains that it's acceptable for them to have to endure all sorts of crazy abuse and humiliation during this so-called Hell Week just to be part of some fake-ass brother or sisterhood. I'm aware there is supposed to be some great networking incentive if you get accepted into one of these frats, but is it worth it? The people who abuse the shit out of you during initiation are the people ur gonna have to look to for job connecks in the future. Why would you buy into this? There have to be better ways to get a come up. 

Trevor Jackson's character Zurich was making me uncomfortable because he was looking down on his dad or whatever for ~failing~ Hell Week, right? And dropping out? But then he walking around with fractured ribs and fucking up in school and with his girl, and for what? Like, literally for what because someone ended up dead and all Zurich ended up with was a freshly-shaven, misshapen ass head. Take this L!!!! 

I can't remember, but this movie is about someone who came up in one of these frats, non? Who cares, let's talk about Trevante!! First of all: He is Short. Do I care? NO!! I wanted to cry when he was wearing that silky polyester robe like, please! Also what is his accent? I am getting sociopath teas and I can't wait for his suspicious ass to become a movie star, let's go! Do I feel the same way about Trevor Jackson? lol, absolutely not. He was giving me nothing here, though I couldn't tell if that was how his character was written, or if he just doesn't have it. We'll see (lol I don't care). Who really stood out to me, though, was Tosin Cole. I looked his ass up and the internet told me he's from the fucking UK, and honestly I'm living because I would have had no idea otherwise. Definitely looking forward to seeing more from him. Maybe. I don't want to get too hype about a black UK actor, let's just keep it real! But maybe. 

Can we talk about the ~ghetto slut~ character who had the box braids and worked at Hardees or whatever and was mad willing to get fucked by all the new pledges?? What was her character's name? Toya. Why was Zurich acting all shocked when she displayed that she knew words that have more than one syllable? That was whack. Why? Just cuz she aint in college and a ho she a dummy? Zurich.....ur stupid ass got accepted into college and yet all I see you making is one stupid fucking decision after another. And you a punk. So you can miss me with all that.

Can we talk about Rotmi's bleached African looking ass? I hated his character but he definitely stood out. As someone for me to hate, but still lol. I wonder...what happens after new pledges get inducted? Is it all awkward lol? Like...well, okay in this case it DEFINITELY will be awkward, if this frat is not totally shut down. And of course Edwin prob wouldn't still be there? This movie is weird cuz it just like awkwardly ended. I almost feel like the real movie would've been the aftermath of Frank getting killed, and then I guess a focus on Zurich ~becoming a man~ during whatever comes of that situation. Burning Sands is just a precursor to a way bigger story? Like a prologue to a mad long novel? Idk. Much more could've been said. Like they had Alfre Woodward as the prof stanning for Frederick Douglass (a fuckboy) and it kind of looked like they were trying to go somewhere with that, but they barely scratched the surface of wherever they were trying to take it. Honestly, this should be a show like how they did Dear White People. It can start out with the death and then sort of go on from there and how the campus changes. I'd watch. I am far more interested in a storyline like this than something like Dear White People, which I did not see lol, but the title is a turn-off alone. I'd rather watch a black college movie/show where the issues are less about addressing racism and micro-aggressions and shit and getting into what ~the community~ has going on within. Though I could be prematurely judging that other property because maybe they do the same. Idk, but this movie was super gay and I wish movie makers would stop doing straight stuff all the time and just make it gay. So I can ignore uncomfortable stuff like extreme abuse and just be happy gay shit is happening :) Please placate me :)) 

Heaven Help Us (1985)

I don't think I care as much any more, but Andrew McCarthy used to be my favorite Brat Pack member. Who's surprised? (No one reads this blog!!). Andrew isn't even a good actor, like basically at all. The only thing he has in his acting tool box is widening his eyes like he's an owl on meth when he's about to cry. It's really weird. I don't understand why I care about him. I remember watching Pretty in Pink for the first time and hating it like wtf is this, and now I'm obsessed with it (mainly cuz of Steff, duh), but Blane's boring, blue-eyed, self-hating, woe-is-me yuppie emo shtick is like...one of the things that eventually won me over as I kept watching it for some reason?? And then I liked him in St. Elmo's Fire?? Which hasn't aged well, AT ALL!!!, but which I first saw in the early aughts, like twenty years after that shit came out but still liked it anyway?? Also Less Than Zero and Mannequin?? ¿Weekend at Bernie's¿¿¿¿¿ What am I doing with my life he is literally bringing nothing to the table except being white. He's not even charismatic... Look, imma be honest: He doesn't look like Charlie Sheen, and that's all I really need from my chalk actors. Yes, the bar is depressingly low. It's great!! 

You know who's white whom I don't like, even tho they're white? lol Fuggin...Kevin Dillon's ugly ass lol. I liked him as Rat or whatever his name was on Entourage for the first seaz (kill me), but other than that, his head is too long and why does he talk like that? I am...disgusted. He's mad annoying here. What is this mess about smh. Oh okay, so Heaven Help Us is a movie about...like some Catholic school for boys...in the sixties, I believe. So they have crazy priests teaching the classes and everyone's wearing like a wool suit. It's gross.

The main thing about this movie is...that the boys are being abused by this one crazy ass priest dude, Brother Constance. He is going the motherfuck in on these kids. Like, beating them with paddles going in. This is actually supremely disturbing lol. This movie has this weird kind of lighthearted throwback Brighton Beachy sort of feel, I guess, and then there's this terrifying abuse happening and you're like, uhhhhh...

Like the scene when Brother Connie is smacking Michael's hands with that paddle?? And Andrew does his one acting thing and gives me some tear droplets and an obvious Academy Award level performance (no)?? It's like, insane. And then they break it up by having Kevin Dillon's character be a dick and everyone's laughing or whatever, I guess? And then the following scene Andrew and Kevin's characters are being punished in Brother Thaddeus' office by kneeling on their knees and holding their arms up with books in their hands? And I feel like the movie wants me to think this is funny, maybe? When I am primarily sitting watching with my mouth slightly agape, like..............is someone gonna call the police? Any day now... 

I used to be obsessed with this movie, but rewatching it recently, I wasn't as into it. It's still good, I think. One of the better ones from that whole eighties teen movie movement. It has that extra-something, but I definitely was hyping it more than it needed to be hyped. This movie has Mary Stuart Masterson and she stands out from ~the regulars~ of her peer group. She's not Brat Pack, or even Brat Pack adjacent, she's next level, so that helps the movie. Her scenes with Andrew are really sweet and provide a nice, like genuine little main romance for the film. It really gives it some heart and allows Andrew to not look completely dorky and stupid for once :) Why am I going in on him, tho, when I'm a stan? Also shout out to legit actors Donnie Sutherland and my bae, John Heard who like Masterson take the movie to a higher level by giving me some non-cringe worthy performances. Oh, and the dude who played Brother Constance. Lemme look his ugly name up. Jay Patterson. You was on some other shit, but I was living. I think this...movie could've been better if it didn't have that hokey teen comedy aspect? There was like mad serious subject matter in the movie lol like it made me uncomfy. Like imagine Doubt directed by Judd Apatow. No one wants that, why would you do this, people who made Heaven Help Us? Whatever, it could've been worse. And good job using those Otis Redding songs, but bad job being a super white ass movie using black music to punctuate emotional moments :/

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Heaven Help Us