All Eyez on Me (2017)

Hmmm. Maybe I liked this? I'm only a fan of Tupac, the Actor and all I really know about him is that he was good and I'm annoyed he's dead because he could've been a major movie star. But like I don't know all about his life, too much of what he was about (had no idea Thug Lyfe was some insane acronym), or really anything about his music. I knew he was the baby of a militant Black Panther member, so I assumed certain things, and then also I've seen him in interviews and things, but only when I was younger, so whatever significant messages I was meant to receive went right over my head. I have always been Team Tupac concerning the whole Biggie vs Tupac thing. Why? Mostly because Pac was cuter lol. And Biggie gave me bad vibes when I was a kid. But maybe that was just Diddy hovering over him stealing his soul. Anyway, all this mostly incomprehensible mess is to say...I watched All Eyez on Me and I wasn't offended lol like I would think...anyone who knew Tupac personally, or even a die hard fan of his would be. This was definitely a kind of...Starter Biopic, you know? Like, for people who knew of this famous man named Tupac and were interested and would like some tea and also some basic background filled in. I can't imagine a Tupac stan would watch this movie having gained new insight, but maybe they would get something out of...getting to see him alive again, but like in some lesser, not as magnetic form? 

Speaking of Great Value versions of superior shit. So Demetrius Shipp Jr!! Kind of sometimes looked exactly like Tupac and also captured his essence occasionally. Like when he was talking to those two white dudes at Interscope, I was really forgetting I wasn't watching actual Tupac. And there were several other moments sprinkled throughout where I would forget it wasn't really him. But there were a lot of times where it was like...lol. You know? Like, this is so not Tupac. Also Demetrius has a rounder face. Like, Tupac was fine as shit and kind of chiseled face-wise. Also what I've always thought about him was that he looked older than his age. Like Tupac only lived twenty-five years but he died looking like some dude who lived almost twice that. Demetrius had this little baby face that kind of took me out of the film at times. Like, he looked like an actor they'd get for those reenactments they do for true crime/ID type shows. Like just some goofy goober version of the actual person. Lol especially when he had hair. Smh. All in all, though--wait, I was about to lowkey praise Demetrius for doing a mostly good job, but I almost felt he ruined the big Bishop moment in Juice. Maybe it wasn't him, per say, but the director choosing to show a close-up of Demetrius as Tupac doing Bishop. That was a mistake, and Juice is such a huge thing for me lol and Bishop is iconic so maybe don't ever do that again :') But I think Demetrius did a good job? But again I wouldn't consider myself a Tupac stan even though I loved him as an actor. Like, I'm detached from his whole big thing, so maybe people who were more passionate about him would heartily disagree lol.

You know who I thought was kind of good but did not at all think they would be? Kat Graham. I really felt she was capturing Jada's essence at times? When I first heard who was cast as Mrs. Pinkett-Smith, I was like...Lol... You know? Like Kat looks nothing like her lol. HOWEVER, watching the whole performance in motion, I was kind of getting into her. Kat isn't so amazing she was able to convince me she looked like Jada, but I was seeing some Jada in there. She's a pretty specific person, I think, and I think Kat was really trying to nail it and was mostly successful, so that was cool. Okay so now let's get into juicy gossip and let's discuss Jada and Tupac. 

I just accept Jada as a lesbian, so like, I won't get too into Why didn't she and Tupac ever get together. You know? Like, maybe there was this huge roadblock called NOT INTERESTED IN DICK. I do wonder...how Jada ended up with someone like Will. But maybe she wanted...something kind of different from what she was. I get the impression Jada was kind of wild back in the day. I think she admitted this herself, so this isn't mostly me being all dishy or whatever. But...also I hear stuff about her daughter writing a letter talking about how Jada is so sad Tupac is dead and she wishes he would come back so her mother could be happy and I just wonder what that relationship was. It's barely touched on in the film. Ultimately, did Tupac friend-zone Jada? lol no it's not funny, but did he?? Did she him?? This movie did not give me all the tea I required. BUT I HEARD JADA'S BOUT TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT HIM SO IT'S BOUT TO BE EXTRA LITTY ANNNNNNNNDDDDDD I WISH I WASN'T LIKE THIS :')

Can we talk about Tupac just glossing over misogyny??? Lol I was hoping for a clear answer from him even if I disagreed with it, but he gave me nothing. The reporter dude asked him about those civil rights old heads denouncing his music because it was "obscene", but it was clearly, specifically, the women, who were obviously against the bitches and hoes type of thing. Tupac was all, Don'T Go On TV & Talk Shit Until You Discuss With Us First. No offense, but first of all: Who are you? Why do they need to do that? And why would they if they feel you have no respect for them? Like I love Tupac, but like extremely hesitantly because he seems whack concerning women. Maybe I shouldn't love him lol. He's so magnetic please!! 

So like what was all that rape shit?? So the movie--LOL OKAY!! No, it's not funny because it's a serious subject matter, BUT LOOK. Look. The movie expects me to believe that while some groupie thottie was giving Tupac a back rub, he deaded it in the middle and decided to go sleep in another room? And then all of a sudden out of nowhere this broad is bursting into his room claiming those other dudes did something to her and it's Pac's fault for leaving her with them?? I don't necessarily believe Tupac raped anyone because I don't get those vibes from him. Now he absolutely could have and fuck vibes lol, I'm just saying that I'm not saying he did anything. It's just this story sounds really fucking stupid. If he really wasn't feeling ol' girl why did he accept the massage at first? Like wasn't she lowkey stalking and harassing him? YOU KNOW. This story could be completely true because Tupac seemed lowkey stupid. Like really smart, but like a lot of really smart people, they often have these major blindspots in ~common sense~ areas?? Like he would still be alive if he was more mediocre-brained and his intelligence was more evened out, jus sayin'. Like why would you link up with Nigel and those dudes? Is it that the movie did not explain this well, or was Tupac just wildly...not street smart? Like he was just some dorky theater kid and was WAY over his head dealing with real street people. It's sad as hell.

So who killed Pac? Pretty sure it was Diddy, but let's just say it was this Nigel dude. Why? Because Pac called him a hanger-on? Um, you were? Also why did Pac have to do time for just being associated with you? But Pac shoulda just realized his mistake fucking with them, did his time, and then come out completely removed from that. He was always talking shit lol and then also he signed with Shug and I don't understand...why. Why wasn't Tupac thinking of starting his own thing way sooner? Couldn't he have put out his own shit and had just as much success? Did he really need the ~protection~? Like couldn't he have just separated himself from all that shit he was doing before he went to prison? Idk, man! I'm just mad he's dead :( Hope he wasn't a rapist :/

Can we talk about that Snoop voice-over shit?!?!?!?!?!?!,!, WHYYY!! So funny omg. So...fucking out of place. I felt like I was watching BET (NEVER A GOOD THING). It was so funny tho lowkey I loved it lol. Also I appreciated a character in the film I could truly relate to. Snoop's blasé skinny ass with that fro talking bout he homies with everyone. So me. Like, butter my bread on both sides, thank you! Lol @ him getting that knife when he was on the plane. Iconic, and VERY ME. It's so funny how Snoop is still alive when he was playing both sides like that during such a charged time. Iconic nonchalantry. 

Okay so acting stand-outs? I want to say Danai Gurira, but lowkey I felt she was doing the most lol. Like a sketch comedy impression of Viola Davis. I was like...child. But at the same time she lit up the screen, and my ass loves ott acting, so I'm not gonna complain lol. Cory Hardrict was good as the mysterious Nigel. When he told that dude to never get in his face again or he'd bite his nose off I was already preparing his Academy Award speech in my head for him. Greatest performance of 2017. I also loved...randomly, Pinky from Friday After Next lol no learn his name, Thurston Charles or some shit (Clifton Powell smh). Soon as he showed up at the prison I was excited. It was like a whole different movie lol he was barely in it but it kind of wrongly highlighted how maybe this movie isn't...good?

NOOOO!! It's okay lol. It's okay. I enjoyed it. I didn't think I would because I had read some reviews and most of them were frowny face. This was being compared to Str8 Outta Compton and...that movie is def better. But not by too much, so everyone calm down. The beginning of the movie was very shitty lol. Then once Tupac is older it starts to pick up, but it still had these cheesy ass Zoom vibes or something. I just watched that New Edition miniseries and this...this was pretty in-line with that lol and...like, that's a TV movie, so... But I saw All Eyez in theaters and a lot of times I regret seeing a movie in theaters, like, I coulda waited to see this shit on Netflix. But I don't regret paying to see this on the big screen and so I think that's a thumbs up review from me (this isn't a good movie lol). It was entertaining and I didn't know too much about Tupac's life, so it gave me some knowledge crumbs. I'm a sucker for biopics, though, so I might be biased. Also I love Juice and Poetic Justice and that movie he did with Tim Roth and Thandie Newton and now I have to see Above the Rim. You know what this movie also did? It kind of made me want to listen to Tupac's music? I'm not too into rap. I listen to like...three rap people and all of them make my ass itch in various ways. Would Tupac's? He has ~conscious~ music, but I don't give a fuck about that shit lol. But then he has weird shit like "California Love" which I wanna bop to, but also it gives me fraudulent teas. Why is your child of a Black Panther, from NY and Baltimore ass making music like this?? Is that an unfair criticism? Whatever I'm finna go stream it.

Girlboss (2017)

I thought I was going to hate this. Which is why I watched it. I love watching shit...to hate it? It's fun. But this actually wasn't that bad. I don't really know that NastyGal broad too much. I never bought any of the clothes or read any of the write-ups on her, so I'm in the dark for the most part. I did...hear about the hernia, for some reason. And how she stole clothes or something lol to sell on ebay blah blah. So I was able to get a small kind of impression on her, and that impression was #trash. But like that new kind of #trash. That post-Bridesmaids, Amy Schumer kind where it's like This is revolutionary! This is feminism! So people celebrate it a bit and you're like OMG, please no? & stop. 

 

So that's why I was excited to watch, because I'm thinking I'm fin to settle in and be thoroughly disgusted, which is very entertaining for me :) And honestly, the Sophia "character" is mad...awful? Like a bad friend and in general human being? I did not care about her being like not a great girlfriend, but her bae kinda knew what he was getting into from jumpstreet I think? Also he ended up cheating. It wasn't possible for me to care less because I already didn't care at all, but if it were possible to care less when you initially start out having zero cares, I would have. Cared less.

She was def douchey to her friend, Annie. I kind of...It took me a while to get into Annie lol. I just kept staring at her hair like...why is it like that? And then it kept increasing in confusion-making for me. But she was also mad annoying. Like when she was mad at Sophia for not having her in her Top 8 (my god), I was like lol is this bitch serious. But then they did a backstory thing and I was like awwww. And over the course of the series I was coming around to her. But she was still annoying and why does her boyfriend LOOK LIKE THAT. 

 

I kind of loved all the like 2005-2007ish? references? I think the series left off at 2008? But I was dying at them watching Marissa die (I weirdly never saw this even tho I watched The OC? Meh I was more a One Tree Hill kind of broad. It was just...better. But dying at them shading Summer). Also them talking about Britney's breakdown which pretty much spanned this timeframe, I think? And then like Myspace? And then like someone being able to create some massive business off Ebay? Lol, throwback.

 

My fave character was def Gail played by my bae Melanie Lynskey, so imma need more of her next season. But maybe that won't be feasible, since if the show is following close to real-life, NastyGal gets super big off of ebay, and that's where Gail came from. First of all can we talk about how I loved how they did them chatting in ebay forums? It was so fucking funny to me, especially the one talking in ALL CAPS. But wait can we discuss Sophia being kind of gross and ruining vintage clothes? Or I guess ~making them cooler~??? She was just snipping away I was like...omgggg lol. Like the edits she made to clothes in the show.........none of it was cute lol. They didn't show her doing that too much (good idea), but when they did I was unimpressed, at best. It was awkward. Like when she cut up that dress that was actually cute and made some...idk cover-up type of vest thing for her friend and belted it? Vomitrotious. And that vintage dress Gail really loved was mad ugly to start with, but Sophia just made it uglier? Idk girl, I'm not sure what's going on. But maybe the NastyGal aesthetic is just not for me. I mean, it's called NastyGal. Y'all being too white for me. 

So my #whitebae Hank from Breaking Bad, Dean Norris, plays Sophia's dad and they have an awkward, like non-connected sort of relationship, but it's kind of sweet? Or slowburn sweet, maybe? Idk, we'll see. But meeting Sophia's mom and seeing how fucking tragic she is, it shines the dad in this...like way better light lol. It shows he's her foundation etc. Like her visiting her mom for Christmas and it being a mess and then she ends up having dinner with her dad I was like awww. But if Sophia is anything like her mother (seems a lot like? tragic), she may eventually completely separate from her dad, like her mom, and I am absolutely not here for that storyline. Wait - is this show getting a second season? Um, it better? Sophia will only get worse the more successful she becomes and I need all of that, thanks! 

No, because I really like the series and think it's good. Well-written, maybe? And probably good acting? Can't tell, but if Britt Robertson is nothing like Sophia, then yeah good acting. And this shit is just intriguing and I want more. I hope they keep the gay dude and his mom; make up some contrived reasons for them to be around like they did with them at the end of the season lol. Um...that scary robot model chick they work with. Bettina. Need more of that. More of my #baldbae Dean. More RuPaul because it's RuPaul. And hopefully none of Shane who was sketch from day one when he was talking about how crazy his ex was and Sophia was like was she crazy or were u just a cheater and it was like boom, roasted, but broad you went on to date the dude (and for two years??!), so let's not. 

Anyway is it weird to see your horrible self a bit in Sophia and feel uncomfortable about yourself and think hmm maybe I should be in therapy but then you think how if you go to therapy you'll just be cracking jokes or tryna Elliot Anderson your therapist so it's just a complete fucking waste of time, as well as life? This blog deserves a nobel peace prize, honestly.

Wait, smh, I just saw Netflix cancelled this shit. OKAY. 

He handed him her vagina?!?!

So what the fuck was Koob talking about? He was like wildly lying, right? Lol what the fuck. What was he talking about when he said the cops handed him Cathy's vagina wrapped up in newspaper or whatever? Was that a metaphor? Does he expect me to believe they cut out her whole vagina to shove in his face and intimidate him with? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy wasn't his weird ass looked into more? And then that weird letter they said Cathy wrote. She wants him inside her?? A part of me thinks, if she wrote it, she was writing it in a Sufjan Stevensy sort of way. Like how she wants God ~inside her~, but also in a sexual way, so still bad. And sus. What if Koob really did ask Cathy to marry him and she was like lol nahhhhhh...so he murked her? But I get gay teas from him, so even more motive! Like if he was tryna get a beard. But...why would a priest need a beard? If maybe he was doing gay shit and wanted to like ~make up for it~ by getting a wife? Also I kinda feel like everyone at the school knew what that man was doing. And I am completely forgetting his name. That fat Irish dude the whole doc was about. You know who I'm talking about! What if Koob was involved? But wouldn't the kids have said something? It's annoying to me that a lot of significant people involved are dead and can't say shit, and also that Jean ~couldn't remember~ that Bob dude.

Okay but before we get into Jane Doe, like KOOB LIED ABOUT WHERE HE WAS THAT NIGHT, NO? Also, a priest going to see Easy Rider??? And didn't anyone think it was weird how when he first was talking about the night he made sure to say what they had gone to see? Something about it seemed very over-rehearsed alibi. But that's just me. 

This shit was wild from start to finish. So things started to get extra fucking real immediately in the second episode when we meet Jean aka Jane Doe. She telling all these horrific, sordid details of what that man was doing to her and I'm like................................ Okay, and like. I don't know. But a lot of times, I felt...Jean was...mmmmmmmmmmm not necessarily lying, but like...I was getting vibes she was like really into talking about this? A lot of times watching I would get the feeling she was pretending to be more...what can I say? Upset...by the events than she actually was. Like how one girl said they saw the Father as kind of their boyfriend and it was this more grey thing than them just outright recognizing it as abuse, or "bad"? I got the feeling she felt some allegiance to him, and also was playing more disgusted than she completely really felt. BUT THEN I FELT BAD like...thinking this, and over-analyzing her. But lowkey if I was her therapist I would think she were putting on a show. Like remember that one time she ~burst into tears~? That looked fake as fuck. Like she thought at that moment she was expected to break down, but wasn't really feeling it. But at the same time I acknowledge she's been horrifically abused, and all that was happening during her developing years, so she turned out a certain kind of way because of that, and that's probably what I am picking up on the most. BUT! I feel like the two main women (forget their names smh) researching this, kind of felt...maybe hesitant about Jean as well, but I remember the more introverted one saying how she couldn't see any reason why Jean would be putting herself through all this and I ultimately agreed. 

 

And like Jean's words, mixed with that like one foto they kept showing of Father Ohoolihan or whatever's face, really drove home the point. You can just look in his face and see he was insane and like super awful. But it's wild how he was just going the fuck in on like, whoever. Like he diddled the school boys, and the teen broads. This nigga was just fucking people's lives up just to be doing it.  

Okay, but who killed Sister Cathy? Prob those two dolts, right? Billy and his friend/lover? I forgot the names. But it was that gay dude who killed himself and he had that creepy nun's habit in his attic, and then that old drunk dude they were talking to. The necklace turned out having significance to Cathy's sister, so I def think it belonged to her, and he got it from when he fucking killed her and dumped her body. It makes the most sense that Father Molester or whatever would hand off a job like that to underlings. Though you wonder how Billy, etc got mixed up with that. Were they some of the people the Father would let in to do stuff with the girls? Did they know the Father from other dealings? Maybe he had blackmail on them, for gay shit, etc. There's so much more that needs to be known and like so much information is "lost", or people won't say.

WHAT WAS IN THAT LETTER??? And why...I don't mean to be rude, but why would Cathy's sister just hand it off to some person not even in a police uniform? I'm also side-eyeing the dad, lowkey. And it just got "lost". That's annoying and everything is so incredibly suspicious and I'm lowkey side-eyeing just about everyone who participated in this doc. Also what was up with that one black woman literally I forgot everyone's name, but she was in charge of investigations maybe? Def the person who could say let's investigate this crazy dude for raping all these kids and doing a sex trafficking ring and killing this nun and prob that other chick. When she talked about her red convertible. Like, how she rolled up to look at those files he was trying to bury, I was shocked. Like, you can't be this horrible. No one cares about your ghetto ass material acquirings, ho, WAS THERE ENOUGH EVIDENCE IN THOSE FILES TO CHARGE THIS DUDE? This bitch talmbout no. Even if there were no photos, WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT!!, weren't those files of all the recordings the dude had on his victims? Like the shit typed up during the "sessions", etc? How is that not enough evidence. All that shit creepy and inappropriate as fuck. I'm truly stunned, but not really.  

Do you think Jean actually saw Cathy's body? I think? But I'm bugging that she would go with Father Whatever to see her body. Did she not realize that he was taking her to see a body? Maybe not, but why would she even go with him? I'd be scared as fuck wtf. Like she knew Cathy was missing and here he turns up like ~want to see her??~~. Jean kept saying she was super-naive, and like, yeah! Or maybe it was diff back then? But I always side-eye people who say that, because kidnapping and murder and rape and etc etc have been alive since the dawn of time, so it's weird when it's like ~we never locked our doors~, never mind the fact that most of these crimes are committed by people you know who already have a key, but that's neither here nor there!! 

BUT THE MAGGOTS!! They were all, it was winter. But then the researchers found out it was like in the sixties during that time, so maggots being on the face would be a thing. BUT I'M STILL DYING AT HOW JEAN JUST FOLLOWED THIS CRAZY DUDE INTO THE FUCKING WOODS LIKE NO BIGGIE!! This is one of the things that made me think she wasn't all the way right in her thinking concerning him, but blah blah of course of course. Anyway I feel bad her husband is dead that's fucked up, and I'm also annoyed she stopped him from killing that priest cuz it def seemed like he for sure woulda done it. 

So so many things bothered me here, but one thing that really got to me was that one dude at the end, Wilson I think his name was? Who was trying to get a bill voted for. Something about extending the statute of limitations on sex crimes. I don't understand why it was voted against, but no, I do. The church was sending their people out against it, because they know they have these freaks all up in their system just tearing through these kids and it takes them til their forties or so to get it to fucking gether and come for their abusers, and the church knows this and is betting on this, to save their asses, instead of making change within their organization to fix this problem. And then the church is all mixed up in the state, so they get in the way of the bill even getting to be seen or whatever and this is all wildly disturbing. And miss me with the opposers of this bill trying to couch their stance in like ~the sooner they come out the faster the abuser can be caught and taken off the streets~ or whatever. Or it would just be cool for them to not get raped and abused at all, and for systems to be in place to prevent it from happening in the future? :') But I want to know why this statute of limitations thing even exists in the first place? What purpose does this serve? Probably something horrible, I don't want to know! 

I don't know why I watch these things, they disturb the spirit, but at the same time I feel it's good to know where you stand, and the best way to know that is to know where everyone else stands. So this ultimately was a pretty good sort of docuseries, but like all docuseries, it left me unsatisfied. Like the two murders weren't solved and nobody had to pay for their crimes? What is the justice system even for?? I be watching all these true crime shits snd it's just incompetency after incompetency. But then again, no one makes docs about when the justice system works. But maybe it never works and that's why :') You know what I'm mad about? How lit Serial season 1 was and then it randomly moved to Pandora and no one too much watched that shit and it's like, what a way to blow a property. But I've been finding some replacements. But also I just saw someone in a magazine recommend some podcast about Richard Simmons' disappearance as a Serial equivalent with a completely straight face type-tone. Let's be real, shit is bleak. Also, leave that man and his stretch capris alone. Just rude. 

 

OINTB, s5

So I actually really loved this season, I think. I didn't know what to expect after they killed off my bae Poussey. I was just thinking...like how are they just gonna have a regular ole season after her death? Like I thought they were just gonna jump into things, per usual, with some acknowledgments here and there concerning what went down last season, but literally all of this season was the immediate aftermath of what happened, and I was glad. I was watching the first couple of eps of this season and remember hoping they dragged the riot shit out for a while, but I wasn't expecting them to do it the whole season. It was pretty cool, and interesting that they did. I also felt it was probably the most appropriate/best response to deleting a fan favorite in such a horrible way. 

Okay so time for me to start going in on everything even though I mostly enjoyed this season and it was prob my fave after the Vee season (resurrect Vee, btw):

-I felt like Piper and Alex...Okay. I like Alex. I don't...care about her terrible relationship with Piper. Like on her own she interests me, so I don't really get irritated too much about her, but Piper annoys me mostly. This season it wasn't too bad with either of them tho, and I kind of liked them showing Alex as a reluctant or unintentional leader. That's very her. Also she's tall and has a deep voice and is lowkey bae, but we don't need to get into that. But look. Like ultimately? Piper and Alex could be completely written off at this point. No one needs this anymore. But again lol it wasn't that bad this season so fine. 

-I need way more Frieda. Her backstory was definitely my favorite, and I need way more of it. I kind of hate when the show does flashbacks but not of why a prisoner ended up in prison (like with the Muslim one). It sounds like she's been in priz for a minute. I want to assume she murked someone. But prob out of self-defense, prob. Maybe she killed her crazy ass daddy. BUT I DON'T KNOW, DO I? How about you tell me?? K thanks.

-Why am I talking about the white ones first? Idk, but...Nicky, that's bae. I've kinda loved Natasha Lyonne a lot since I watched Slums of Beverly Hills at like two in the morning once when I was twelve and I have just been here for whatever incredible disaster she has going on since. Love her as Nicky, but they didn't do too much with her this season. I kind of don't like how mad she gets at Lorna? Like you know she's not really where you are with the whole lesbian romance thing, never mind the fact that you're on drugs all the time usually? It just seemed like misplaced anger at Lorna this season. Like when Lorna was telling her she was preg and Nicky started going off about her being crazy and pathetic. I was like okay.... Like please you already knew this? Why you acting brand new now? Maybe cuz she was sober? Idk, but eyeroll. 

-I want Lorna to have happiness and love with her bae :/ I know she crazy and he's...him, but I ship it. It's beautiful :') But Jesus Christmas pray for that little Italian bean. 

-The best part about Red this season was Eyebrows calling her the Heat Miser, and imma just leave it at that. Wait - no. I felt her flashback was weak and also I was like "???". I thought the other girl was going to be the one playing Red, but then the skinny little one pulled off her scarf and she shook her hair out and I almost laughed? Like lol, I guess. But writing about it now I realize it was to make Piscatella shaving off her head more...impactful? Like Red is Samson or some shit. She was weak as hell this season. But she's weak in general, tbh, but it was making me uncomfy how she was just drugged up every episode and acting crazy running around posting up those pics of Pissy and his decorative table settings smh like girl who cares

-The meth heads are annoying. 

-I love Pennsatucky. Remember how she started on the show? I feel like Taryn Manning's performance is mad underrated?? Or maybe I don't read enough and people praise her a lot? I just feel she's like...completely in this role, it's insane. But anyway, are they really doing a woman romances her rapist storyline? I mean, really? A part of me barely cares, because I think Penn is in prison 4 lyfe, so...what else she got to do, you know? But she's one of the characters that really makes me want the next season cuz it's like what now?? If they do some storyline like she doesn't go back to prison and her rapist becomes her ~protector~ imma know these writers have a lot of problems that they aren't trying to work out through the writing, but trying to, like, luxuriate in. Like jerking off to their terribleness. I'm very excited.  

-I love the skinheads and that nationalist lol. Ummm, but I don't like when they remind me they're white supremacists :/ lol it's like YIKES!!!. But they're funny please I don't want to be like this.

-Is Daya gone? because I'm over it. Was that Dascha's in real life daughter who played flashback her? I know that broad has like thirty year old kids lol. That girl looked and vibed exactly like her. Two little, non-acting Eeyores. Daya is whack for shooting the guard in his leg instead of his face and then tapping out of the riot like she didn't start it and then turning herself in. I mean, I guess she wouldn't have had to had the Golden Corral version of Martha Stewart not put her on blast, but why raise your hand? Maybe to get her off the show? If her raising her hand gets her off the show, then fine lol. Like, enough. Wait but can we talk about Daya's flashback with that Puerto dude being into that white ass girl lol and his rejection of Daya at the club. I don't know why, but all that was really funny. Maybe it was the actors. It looked like some after school special like warning latino dudes about their latina girl friends who feel entitled to them or something lol idk but it was hilarious but can we talk about how the real star of this show is Cesar? He had like one line and brought the fucking house down lol what an EYEKON. 

-I love Maria? Like I root for her. I want her to be with her family. I love her husband, too, how he cares about the baby and is quiet and all loyal and shit. I feel like one of those people getting all excited about a nigga doing regular shit, but it really makes me root for their love and their family. Wow, but ol boy's mom was kinda hot, right? Lol let's not do that right now. But look. I did not even care about Maria betraying Gloria, and like, literally everyone at the prison omg. I did not care. I wanted her to see her baby. And she did :') And I was happy :') But it was pretty fucked up :') 

-I felt bad for Gloria and her son and I hope he's okay but I am dying at her knocking Daya's stupid ass unconscious with that big ass like paper weight or whatever. Daya mentioned her head hurt multiple times and I don't know, but that shit was super funny to me. Like ol' girl coulda died I'm fucking crying.

-The whole Flaritza thing seemed lowkey offensive? But it was in keeping with their characters. Maritza had some good comedic moments, per ush. But hopefully next season they will get a little bit more to do, especially with them being possibly separated.

-I like the ne--I was gonna say I like some of the new ~HisPANIc Ones~*~, but idk. They're kind of annoying? And mad short lol idk why that's a negative, but it is. They add something to the story, though, so I'm not complaining yet. Loved when that one did impressions, that was pretty funny. My favorite thing about them, though, is how i don't know their names :')  

-It was weird how my bae Eyebrows was kicking it with Red & them the whole seaz? But I love her so idc where she at, long as she there. 

-So I've always liked Taystee, but I never thought Danielle Brooks was especially good at acting. From the beginning there has been some choppy acting with a lot of the prisoners, but if they were cute/funny/and or intriguing, I didn't care too much. Taystee is super-charming, of course, so Danielle isn't giving me Viola Davis, but she's appealing and amusing and it's fine. However, this season I felt she was almost giving me a performance. Which sounds...like insulting lol, but I mean it as a compliment mostly. It was pretty good. I was getting emotional and shit. But the most emotional I got was seeing Poussey come around from that shelf in the library. I was bouta cry? Lol. Felt some type of way!! And I loved how they showed Taystee was the one who was closest to Poussey, because, TBH, it was a competition and I didn't like how Asian Shailene Woodley was tryna act like she knew Poussey the best-most when she was only letting her eat her out for a second and a half. Girl, bye!! But anyway Taystee fucked up majorly with that deal lol like smh and WTF. Went from 0 to 100 extra quick in terms of promise for the future of the prisoners, smh. It's gone be on some other shit now. Good job!! (It's called SARCASM) 

-Black Cindy is Black Cindy, but can we get her talking about her daughter, please? Like, let's get into that!

-I have...no idea what the Muslim One™'s name is, and my lazy ass could look it up, but I'm not! Anyway I like her, but like WHAT. Do Muslims really be doing that Big Love type shit? I NEED MORE STORY ABOUT THIS! Lol and how she gon' act all hurt about the new wife assimilating successfully in the family? She didn't want a wife, she wanted a nanny, and it's like, girl...those exist? Like nannies exist?? So. BUT HOW DID SHE END UP IN PRIZ. Did they explain? Nah, I felt like I woulda remembered? Anyway her husband was cute. Pretend I put the eyeball emoji. 

-Um, can Janae get more lines? OKAY GREAT THANKS. But omfg...............................................White Dreamgirls........was the worst/best thing I have ever seen. That soulless ass And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going cut with baby Janae fucking crying HAD ME CHOKING!!!!! I was FUCKING DYING THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? And great! Now I need an actual White Dreamgirls. Can you imagine how awful? Please cast Gwyneth Paltrow as Effie White. No, I NEED THIS, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!! 

-Instead of killing off Suzanne and her lacefront slave hair, you got rid of Poussey, whose character you can actually do something with? Oh okay! No, fucking Samira Wiley smashing the writers or some shit and now she on Hulu, so that's why. SURE! FINE! Suzanne is annoying. And like, extremely disturbing? I thought it was cute when she was doing the massage thing with the guards but then those (latinos?) tied her up and she was crying and I know I should be most annoyed with them but I just...can't with her lol, like...enough. And when she wasn't helping her friend with the face infection and when she was causing that commotion about the dead guard...sigh. I was reading someone else's write-up about this season and they were saying how they lowkey hoped Black Cindy killed Crazy with the lithium and I was agreeing hard as shit, cept I highkey hoped, foh. But I feel weird because I know crazycrazy people exist and have people like me being like ugh, Enough.... lol. And like I'm crazy, too, but not medication crazy, so I feel bad being annoyed. Actually, I prob should be on medication? I always feel like I'm itching inside. That's probably not supposed to be happening...

-Can yall stop talking about Caputo's dick? I can't smash a fictional character, so it's just doing nothing for me.

-But yo, there was like mad dicks on screen this season? Lol I think they just showed that guard's little peepee and then caputo's monster coke can dick lol, but I was like WHOA DICKS. Cuz you don't see them that much. Or, I don't. I'm a virgin..

-Um, but can we talk about how the highlight of the whole season was that sus guard and his strip routine. AS SOON AS he mentioned what he did in college to make money, I WAS FUCKING READY. Lol I was getting my life?? LIKE..........!!! It was funny and cute and I kinda lowkey wanna see more of him? Or just like, more stripping men. No I'm jk that shit usually makes me uncomfortable. Like Magic Mike mad me feel like I needed to start doing heroin. I don't know...like, how to...who to ask to get sum? Do you just walk up to whoever's standing outside of Walgreens? Sigh, Wagreens is gross.

-Did I feel bad for Piscatella cuz his baefriend at the old priz he worked at was beaten and raped? No because he killed that dude with a hot ass shower, and so he got his vengeance and now that's over and it's time to move on, you big bitch! Like him breaking Alex's arm was for what?? Str8 whilin. Was anyone else mad that Taystee didn't kill him? lol like why not? He ended up getting killed anyway, smh it would've have more impact had she done it. Cop out! 

-So did all them in the pool get blowned up????? Maybe? I don't even think I really care? What if like next season it was all new people? Lol I would be hype. Keep the stripping guard, though, we need...to see more of him. His backstory and stuff, nothing weird! 

-Oh, I forgot to talk about Bailey. Is that his name? He was whack. You got off from killing someone, take your second chance and shut your bitch ass up. It was almost satisfying when he had his confrontation with Poussey's dad. He was like do you want me to validate your guilt? Nah!!!! So that was just a nice feeling for me but lowkey he shoulda shot Bailey for trespassing on his property and then not go to jail for it, cuz I think that's legal :) But maybe only when white people do it? :/

-lol but did anyone else notice similarities between this show and Kimmy Schmidt this season? Literally Kimmy Schmidt had a scene at the actual prison lol I wonder if Netflix made them do that? lol smh. Like when I was watching Chappelle's stand-up he just randomly shouted out Making a Murderer. I was fucking...dying (like Teresa when Steven was prob killing her) (I might have switched sides concerning Steven's guilt) (he sus).

Kevin Hart: What Now? (2016) & etc

So over the course of two tired ass days, I made the mistake of watching a handful of comedy specials on Netflix. Sometimes when I'm mad tired but like too tired to sleep? I'll just watch like stand-up shit. I don't know, but please help me. 

So on...Tuesday, I finally broke down and watched those new Chappelle stand-ups. I was mad nervous, because he's like my fave, but I haven't seen anything from him in a minute and I was just like oh god...what's this gonna be. Like I see pics of Dave currently and he looks like Bokeem Woodbine's alcoholic uncle-daddy, and for some reason that made me think he fell all the way off in as many ways as one possibly can fall all the fucking way off. 

The stand-up specials...weren't impressive. I'm watching and thinking that Dave hasn't really grown. That being said, they made me happy. I like the way he tells stories, so even if the jokes aren't like super hard-hitting or whatever, I am just happy to be along for the ride, so after churning through those two specials I was kinda feeling empty like What Now? (FORESHADOWING!!). Dave has a deal with Netflix, right? Like I heard he had the deal for the specials, but also to do other things? God I hope so. My whining ass needs so much more. 

So it's the next day and I feel dead inside. That's usual every day shit for me lol it wasn't really cuz of Dave but let's blame him because he has weed lips :') Okay so I decide to watch Louie CK's newest special. I don't want to like Louie CK, but he...I love him :/ I just do. I LOVE his show. It's my fave type of show: mad pretentious. Like, that's my FAVORITE thing. Do you understand? So I'm pretty happy he exists. But he's like some fat white bald dude, and apparently like half Mexican? Like WTF none of this should be anything I'm here for, you know what I mean? But can we talk about...like okay so I watch his show, right? Louie's dad on the show was Mexican, but I thought it was like how he made his ex-wife black. Him just being all ~artsy~ or whatever. I didn't actually think he in real life had a Mexican dad. Like smh, but if you look like really hard in his face (DON'T) you can kinda see. 

So...Louie's stand-up--OKAY. So after Louie I watched Kevin Hart's whole ass stand-up movie smh. He had my barely acting bae Halle and my good acting bae Don Cheeto in it and like special effects and thunder sounds and shit lol and like all I can really think the whole time is...how many times do I have to hear Kevin Hart talk about his son's FLOPS? You know what I mean? You probably don't if you've only seen like...this movie and none of his other stand up. Why have I seen so much Kevin Hart stand-up?? What the fuck am...what the fuck am I doing? When Kevin Hart first was getting big...I guess I was getting into it? You know those specials he had and I think like Shaq or whatever was in the audience? They were funny.. I think around that time prob Katt Williams was my fave (<.<), and like...I would watch Katt stand up and then be depressed because it was over lol so I'd try to satiate myself with Kevin stand-up. Katt is like...Taco Bell. And Kevin is...Great Value...frozen bean burritos? I guess. Like not even meat or anything. Just like two different beans. And it's like...fine. This has protein probably. But Taco Bell will put like a quarter of a teaspoon of what might be pico de gallo on your shit, so, you know? Like a thousand times better. But whatever, Kevin's fine. But now he's like super-huge and...i don't know. Katt's funnier, but because he won't let some illuminati crow-man peg him with a pogo-stick that has Swarovski crystals on it, he can't be Great? Lame. 

Louie's stand-up, of the three dudes, was the strongest. Most concise and overall funniest. Y'all can't be out here letting this halfxican be funnier than you. It's wrong and uncomfortable-making for everyone. But I'll give Kevin a pass maybe. Didn't before he became a ~funnyman~ he used to work at Foot Locker? Most people who've worked at Foot Locker don't ever get to be described as someone who "used" to work there. It seems you live and die in that striped shirt, you know? So Kevin, who is like the size of a fucking Lego Man, has come pretty far. So I'm not gonna come for him too much. He still corny tho lol. 

The one off-thing for me with Louie's stand-up was the voices. None of that needed to be happening. And I mean none of it. But I still laughed, so what are we really doing here? Dave had wayyyy more off bits in his sets. Like, a lot lol. But I liked his the best idk!!! What I liked the mostest about all three of them were the jokes about their kids. I feel it's the strongest material they have, maybe? I don't know, it just is for me. Like my fave thing Dave did was the bit about him and his son going to see Kevin. He coulda did like thirty minutes on that and I would have been perfectly happy. Even Kevin, who seems repeaty about his kids, especially his son - like those are his best bits, so I can see why he sticks to them. Though I also really liked the Starbucks thing, but that needed some cleaning up. 

It was weird though to watch Kevin's stand-up, after Dave and Louie's. Like kind of an awkward chasm of like....talent? Idk. Kevin is just...extra corny and extra-extra lol. Like it's funny sometimes but he taking it too far, I think? Or...The People, I guess? With hyping him. But they love it, so what can you say lol idk. It's fine. But can we talk about Dave's ~jealousy~~~~~~~?????? Like...he was the biggest. And then he gave it all up. LIKE, miss me with tryna complain about Key & Peele, you know? No one told you to sprint your goofy looking ass to Africa. If shit was getting weird, he shoulda stayed his ass here and unweirded it. He's whack, and if he ends up on Dancing with the Stars imma laugh, and then be upset that I'll have to watch the show. I've never seen one episode of that show because the title is a lie. Call me when you got fuckin uhhhhhhhh Meryl Streep or some shit up there. But anyway, let's just all be happy Carlos Mencia stopped happening. And I think Dane Cook did, too. Very good, everyone. 

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Kevin Hart: What Now?

The Main Event (1979)

I have a crush on Barbra Streisand. She's sexy, with her nose and nails and oft-times (at least before the nineties) confusing coiffure. So I like watch her movies just to watch her. There are worse things, okay, so let's just...move on. 

This movie...was bad. First of all, Ryan O'Neal is in it. Every time I look at Ryan O'Neal all I can think about is how awful of a father and human he is, and how he prob lowkey killed Farrah Fawcett. He's just, like, a demon. Or a white dude, whatever. Tomato schomato! So idk why I...watch things he's in. He's just one of those where I can't see past their monsterness. Like Kirk Douglas, or Will Smith. But I had to see this. Actually, I wanted to see What's Up, Doc? and for two seconds I thought maybe this was that, but quickly learned it wasn't, but was like okay fine can't find What's Up, Doc?, next best thing is...whatever the fuck this is.

What is this? Barbra plays some CEO or some shit of a fragrance company. She's rich, and then she's not when her manager or accountant or ex-husband or who the fuck ever tells her some dude ran away with all her funds? Or made poor investments for her? Or some other money jargon that I barely paid attention to. Just know Babs loses all her money. The only asset she has left is a boxer, played by Ryan O'Neal. I guess for some sort of tax purposes reason, she was advised to get rid of some of her money through buying this dude's contract. Ryan, who is obviously not a dude beating anyone up in a ring, but maybe in a marriage or crib, is not actually a fighter. Well, he used to be. But he realized he sucked or got weak or whatever, so is just chilling and collecting his paycheck from Babs. 

Okay but she lost all her money, so no more paycheck. Babs gets it in her head, as clearly a desperate attempt, to go and visit Ryan at the boxing ring where he mostly just plays cards, and ask him for the money he owes her. I know I'm dumb, like, really dumb, but there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of logic being applied here. Lowkey it seems a lot of random shit is being made up, just to kind of have some shit to say until we can get Barbra and Ryan in a room and have the ~*~sparks fly~*~. 

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Wasn't feeling the chemistry between the two. Like their first meeting, I was kind of over the whole movie at this point. We're like twenty minutes in and I'm like....mmm no thanks. You know who I would have liked as the boxer? James Caan. Not sure if it would be believable--Like, there was a huge Loser element to the boxer character. Ryan O'Neal plays that well, obviously, but not like at all the boxer part? And then the being a believable romantic sparring partner for Babs??? James would slay that, I think? I mean, the chem between Babs and Ryan wasn't completely non-existent, and I did start getting into their little white people thing as the movie moved on, but definitely initially I wasn't seeing it, and I feel that was kind of important? Cuz you know it's gonna be some romance shit, so I want to see it immediately, not have to cringingly force myself to squint its existence into place so I can make the viewing experience slightly less unbearable. That's not how any of this is supposed to work. 

So, natch, Babs figures a way for her to make money: Ryan will go out and do boxing and win championships or whatever. Okay, sis, just kill him and sell his organs. Like at this point you just making everyone uncomfortable with your embarrassing ass attempts to not have to resort to trying to sell your soul on ebay, and then ebay taking the listing down citing fraud or something, because they know you don't really have one to sell. 

Ryan is not good at fighting because he is white and Ryan O'Neal. So he's losing and it's embarrassing. I guess he gets better at some point? Idk, but some money man comes on the scene, and implies that the moneymaker of their situation, is Babs and Ryan's contentious relationship. He suggests that's more intriguing and marketable than Ryan's comeback? I agree, I guess? But if you watch the movie it's just all really fucking stupid, so ultimately the moneymaker is everyone pretending this movie never existed, and moving on :)

Wait, can we talk about that weird stuff with Babs being the only woman in the cabin with all those dudes. And like, all black and some latino dudes????????????????? And she was all scared they were gonna rape her. And then it was implied they definitely were planning on it until some old head was like cum on guys!! And they didn't? But they clearly wanted to????????????????

The seventies, man.

This movie was bad. 

But watch it so you have to see with your eyes what burned mine own. I will not go down alone.

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The Main Event

Wherein I Try 2 Remember a Movie I Seent Months Ago, Ep 2: The Watcher (2016)

So there's a black dude and a white chick and they're moving into a new home. The black dude is played by that zesty, dread-having vampire from Twilight, so you know immediately not to care about what happens to them.  

There's some creepy neighbor lady with a slowbus son who is like around all the time. Delivering cookies and shit and just being kind of a lowkey intrusion on the couple. It's like right away obvious that the neighbor lady is nefarious. This is one of those ~creepy house happenings~ type movies, but you can kinda gleam immediately that this isn't going to be a haunted house type of deal. Like as soon as we meet the neighbor lady she is instantly creepy, but being fake like she's just a long-suffering mom to some idiot son. It's like...it was obvious she wasn't a red herring (though she kind of was??), it was just obvious, whatever weird shit that was about to happen, would involve her somehow.  

So the neighbor lady is poisoning the Woman Lead slowly over time. I don't know if the movie like doesn't want us to know this, but they do all these ominous, not at all subtle close-ups on the food as the woman is getting sicker and sicker and it's like, kaduh.  Then there's all this weird stuff with some bird person. It's like some giant bird haunting the house, I guess? Anyway, DUH, turns out all the happenings were being caused by the neighbor lady. Her backstory was wild whack, too. Like, the house the lead couple moved into, the neighbor lady has been trying to get since like the seventies. I think her family used to have it, but it was taken from them maybe or went into foreclosure? And maybe apparently she was supposed to have the house at one point, but an Asian couple moved in before she could get it. SOOO she starts poisoning the wife half of that Asian couple, and then when she gets super-sick, she poses as a nurse so she can get into the house and further sicken the woman until she dies. Those were the previous inhabitants of the house, then the current swirl couple moves in. 

I guess the crazy neighbor bitch tried to get the house after the Asian couple evacuated, but lost the bid to cookies and cream? And it's like, maybe chill? Lol, like for two seconds of your life, take a fucking chill pill. Whose crazy ass is spending mad time tryna poison people to death so they move out of a house you feel you deserve to own? Like, all that time you're spending shopping for poisoning and crazy bitch supplies, you could be making more money for your house-buying savings, or, I DON'T KNOW, getting your ass on zillow and finding another house???? Lol, like, what is you doing??

So towards the end, everyone finds out about the neighbor lady and her crazy schemes. The one black dude from Twilight the whole time was never really feeling the neighbor lady. He got them nigga spidey senses. Crazy bitch alert. But his wife was one of them, so couldn't see. She just saw another fellow WW and was all :). STUPID!  

But PLOT TWIST, I guess?, turns out her slow bus son was like the mastermind behind all the crazy shit? I don't think so, though? I'm pretty sure it was mostly the mom? But maybe the son did some things? Lol they tried to pull a ~he's not really a retard he's Keyser Söze~>~> type deal where he switched from drooling to sneering with menace and pleasurement. And they implied he was the one killing everyone??? Um idk because it clearly seemed like it was just the mom. All of that was dumb, I think.

But check this. Ol' Ebony and Ivory head asses fucking, like, adopt this kid. Lol and this is a big bitch. This is practically a grown man. They're like you'll never be harmed again, and he in the backseat grinning to himself in an evil way and you know these idiots gon' get burned (like literally set on fire - i think the movie explained he was an arsonist?). But you don't care because you didn't connect to the main characters. Mainly cuz that n-word from Twilight had like a small fro and his hairline looked weird and there's just always something off about the interracial relationships in movies. Like they get the darkest dude lol and then some corny, Melissa George knock-off and you're like, girl hurry up and human centipede these fools or whatever so I can write my shitty blogpost about it and never think about this mess ever again. k great thanks :) no thank youuu!! thanks!!!

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The Watcher