The Boy Next Door (2015)

Summer 2024

I watched this movie like a week ago and am only now looking at these screencaps to add stupid commentary to them so I forgot like 98% of the "plot" of the movie and like literally any interactions that might have happened, but I'm pretty sure John Corbett's character cheated on J.Ho's character and like in this scene she is like I'm not finna fool witchu like that cuz u cheated on me and this is how he responds to her, with like an awkward white guy smile like on some oh damn really? type shit and his character in general was very gaslighty and shitty like he literally cheated on his hot latina wife and then had an entitled attitude about her not completely forgiving him and taking him back? I guess it's a realistic reaction from a shitty loser but I was hoping he'd get killed by the mentally-challenged latina boytoy of his estranged wife, but guess what happens? He literally isn't murdered and I'm just sitting here like...well why was this movie even made then?..

Our titular BOY! Thee "boy" of The BOY Next Door!! *crowd cheering, with a smattering of confused, racially-charged boos sprinkled throughout*

Just gonna say right now I was rootin' for my boy for like...most of the movie? Y'all don't understand: They set up that J.Ho's white husband is like a piece of shit (deja vu vibes), he cheated and he sucks. J.Ho is a lonely latina looking for love. Enters: hot, "young" boy next door Noah who's ready to dick her down properly and be the dad who stepped up to take care of her nerd loser son like what is the conflict here? Oh, Noah is too young~ (he looks the same age as J.Ho?) and probably a serial murderer or whatever like okay nobody's perfect Y'all STRICT!!

Lmao, sorry idk if it was just me but why did Claire (J.Ho's character is called Claire?/.) seem afraid of Noah's infirm uncle? Why is she standing like that lmao. Oh, the story of the movie is that a new "boy" moves in next door to Claire and her son. Noah's supposed to be moving in with his uncle to help take care of him while he waits to get some sort of transplant. Why would the family send Noah? He seems slow and I wouldn't trust him with a small pile of lint. But anyway, of course while he's supposed to be minding his disabled uncle he's posted all up in Claire's yard tryna fix shit around her house, father her bastard child, and hack into her computer so he can access her work e-mail to sign himself up for enrollment at the local high school (yeah, more on this later...)

Claire reluctantly inviting Noah's invalid old man uncle inside for coffee lmao you can just see all over her face she's worried about changing that diaper after the coffee finishes moving its way through. Claire like literally just don't invite him in if it's gonna be all that lol

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Physically in pain from mean laughter. 20 where? Bro looks old af lmao. And eventho this movie hilariously has like a middle-aged man trying to pass as an *almost* 20 yr old, I was *convinced* Noah was lying and that he was actually a minor, like it was going to come out that he was secretly 16 or something and Claire would get arrested for molesting him lol but um, no he's just 20, I guess? Literally WHY does this movie have a full blown adult signing up for the local high school? Wouldn't he be forced to attend night school or take his GED or something off-site? Where in America are they still letting adults in their twenties attend high school with the teenagers? I think this movie takes place in California, the land of the demons, so idk maybe that's what they got going on over there. Crazy tho how it's not a massive redflag for any of the characters this big, grown ass man is trying to go to school with toddlers. Literally any normal~ person his age would just take their GED lmao like huh? Honestly it's prob the writers just don't understand how the real world works, and like if you watch any scene from this movie that's made more than clear

It's so insane how they try to pass him off as a twenty year old he looks like someone's deadbeat dad who shows up late and drunk for their kid taking high school grad pics out on the front lawn of their aunty's house and he causes a big, humiliating scene in front of all his kid's friends or something

Claire is supposed to be a classics teacher but pretty sure the only "classic" mentioned in the movie is The Illiad.. Anyway, Claire and Noah bond over...knowing the story of The Illiad. Idk if it would've ruined the momentum of the movie, but I feel like the movie should've done more with the fact that Claire loves the classics and that Noah seemed to, too. There should've been more references or parallells to other classics faves or something, idk. I just felt like they had it in the movie and it felt like it needed to matter more? But this is literally just a Lifetime movie with a slightly higher budget than usual (an extra fifty dollars or so to pay J.Ho's wig witch) so I think maybe I might be asking for too much.

Kristin Chenoweth plays J.Ho's homegirl in the movie and for some reason it's the most insane aspect of the whole thing. There is no chemistry between them at all and I would wonder how the two even met if the movie didn't show that they worked in the same building, but even then...like Kristin's character was like the vice principal and Claire was wasting time teaching poetry to kids who were just gonna write all their papers using chatgpt anyway so...it's still not really making sense how they linked but ok :)

The only reason I watched this movie was because it went semi-viral online how Noah gifts Claire a "first edition" copy of The Illiad, which untrustworthy Google-san tells me was originally published in 1488... But if you actually watch the movie, like, idk what to tell y'all but it just works lmao. If you meet Claire, and especially Noah, it just makes sense lol like idk what y'all want

Noah just got it like that, never doubt The Prince

Not them literally joining souls right now? Listen, Noah/Claire is my ship. Idc that the movie tries to make it seem like Noah's middle aged about the face ass is like thirty years younger than Claire and no I don't care that he murdered his dad and his dad's sidepiece (NOT HIS MOM, BTW) or that he killed Kristin Chenoweth (shouldn't've had that Karen hairstyle idk) or that he tried to kill Claire's cheating husband (he sucked and was big bodied?) - like they're soulmates, why is this movie trying to fight that idk it's kinda giving Wuthering Heights highkey LOWKEY (wait another classics reference? okay okay!! *gets shot*)

In this scene Noah sees there's a box of high heels on the floor of Claire's library or wherever she is and he acts disgusted, basically saying I hope you're not going to be wearing those and Claire clocks his disgust and is like ??? but then he charms it up and says something like high heels are for hoes who have to try hard to be sexy but Claire "doesn't need to try" - little boy why are you in my house? Of course Claire thinks it's cute. Don't act SURPRISED when the freak starts stalking you and trying to kill all your friends and family later, ok? Don't even try to play dumb like that after this

Claire trying on the aforementioned heels. They are so fucking ugly I'm stunned. And literally why is J.Ho sopping wet head to toe in this scene? Gonna need the movie to start getting serious QUICK (this never happens btw)

Claire spends like way too much time in this movie literally like peeping on Noah from her window. It actually probably doesn't take up that much screentime, but it's so insane she's supposed to be like a whole generation (at least) older than this little boy next door and is peeping all up in his window watching him undress and flex his muscles or whatever like what are we supposed to think?Because I'm shipping them lmao. And then the movie wants to make it like Noah is crazy for romantically pursuing Claire later like huh that's his girlfriend are we supposed to think he's the villain cuz EYE DON'T (he literally assaults her several times)

Claire's homegirl sets her up with the date from hell. He reacts with guttural disgust when he discovers Claire teaches classics for a living. He's like book reading is cute and all, but we gotta get these slaves WORKING. What poetry and shit gotta do with the future generation being COGS IN THE MACHINE. It's so over the top lmao like bro do you want the pussy or not? Just unserious. Then Claire spazzes on him and her homegirl tries to act like Claire is being silly or something. Like the dude was rude hello are you gonna defend your homegirl? But also what is the movie's objective here? Why does this shitty date work to make Noah look like a more viable romantic option for Claire in comparison? So confused because he's literally a serial killer and mentally retarded? I'm at a loss

Claire tries to defend being a classics teacher by reminding her date that J.K. Rowling, who wrote the Harry Potter books, is a billionaire. Oh, sweetie..

Y'all..

I'm pretty sure that literally the night of Claire's failed date with the likely nft-investor, that Noah, and I'm not joking, calls Claire to tell her he attempted to defrost a chicken in the microwave and ask her if it's safe to eat the accidentally-cooked bits. *deep sigh* This is literally like something you would call your mom's office for when you were like nine and in your latchkey era. You're old enough for your mom to trust you home alone but you're not allowed to use the stove. Your mom told you to take out the chicken in the morning so she could cook it up when she gets home later from work, but you realize like an hour before she's supposed to come home that u forgot, so you try to jerry-rig a quick fix to avoid a whoopin, but you get distracted in your experimenting and call her up at work to ask her if you can eat the cooked bits of the bird you tried fast-defrosting in the mike, forgetting you aren't supposed to be doing this and literally all you're doing is putting in a pre-order for a whooping for calling her about this. Literally what is this scene. And WHY does it make me ship them more? Not only is Noah supposed to be like three generations younger than Claire, but he is also slow. Like, Claire is committing a crime even engaging with him, and yet, it's giving very much love story, very much two lovers connected by an invisible string :')

Why is Claire grinning ear to ear? The little boy next door had to emergency-call you to come over and help him cook a chicken so he could feed himself and his invalid grandpaw upstairs filling a bedpan to the brim cuz his slow nephew is too busy tryna get some milf latina pussy instead of changing him. Feel like Claire should be arrested and brought up on charges :/

??????

No offense, but when Noah started making moves on Claire and she kept insisting she ~can't do this~ I just rolled my eyes. Y'all are both grown and middle-aged - spare us the drama, girl.

Two sexless, smooth-groin ass latina virgins (I'd actually watch this movie, btw)

Why is Claire talking to Noah as if she groomed and molested him (she sorta did kinda lmao)??

All I can do is smile :) Sorry, Noah is moooood. He's the moment, sorry. I really like how he pursues Claire and insists she's a queen and deserves to be loved properly. Like, so true and I believe he would really love her the way she deserves. If only he wasn't a smooth-brained homicidal maniac :'(

"Don't throw our marriage away cause I made a mistake" - sorry, did you mistakenly fall on another hoe's cooter? Won't no mistake. Own your shit. You cheated, now on your knees and get to kissing the sole of your queen's feet - prove you actually want a second chance. It's so insane how arrogant and entitled he is trying to get his queen back like he barely tries lmao these white men are really a trip

*groans*

I think that harmless looking black man is the principal. I don't even know what to say. Noah's old elderly ass walking in with a backpack - nigga, get a job! Old elderly nigga talmbout hi Im here 4 hiskool :) No, nigga! And the principal standing there smiling like a goofy. Literally why are you bringing a full-grown adult into the classroom with your literaly children students? Just silly. And the whole reason Noah gets a spot in Claire's class is that he hacks into her e-mail and sends an email from her account to the principal requesting that Noah be signed up for her class which is supposed to be like an AP Junior level course, meanwhile Noah is meant to be entering as a remedial senior so doesn't even qualify??? I don't think these writers know anything about anything that has ever happened like in the history of Earth

Noah is so funny to me I'm sorry. Literally why did u hack into your queen's e-mail? And he thinks he's so cute and charming too and ngl he isssssss like idk #TeamNoah, y'all (he literally assaults/harasses Claire several times and kills sum1 she loved and also murdered his dad and also tries to kill her son and husband later :) )

It's Noah *literally* grooming Claire's son to be a mass shooter for meeeeeeee. Noah's not the stepdad, he's the DAD that STEPPED UP!

It's so funny how Noah's ~hero moment~ of him saving Claire's son from an allergic reaction has him not even being the hero, but some other guy off-screen who yells to Noah where to plunge the epi-pen so Claire's son doesn't literally pass away lmao (Hereditary, take notes)

Drag her, Claire. But no like literally why are they even friends lmao

Claire's goofy ass received flowers at work and just immediately assumed they were from her husband without even checking. Why would they be from your cheating, piece of shit husband, Claire? That man doesn't even care about you like that, like how many times do we have to go over this? *tired of silly birds sigh*. Of course, they are from Noah. The lover boy. Of course. Once Claire discovers this she wants to act all scared and shocked. *rolls eyes* He's a good man, Savannah, stop playing these silly games (he's literally a serial killer and maneuvers as if he has some sort of chromosomal disorder but ok)

So full-grown, middle-aged Noah just has access to the high school's gym during off-hours to practice boxing so he can prepare to kill Claire's husband? This seems like something Drake would do except I think he would only pretend to box and if he was preparing to kill someone it would be something dumb like his teenage best friend's mom who keeps putting parental blocks on all her devices, preventing him from sending her harmless, hilarious memes :(

Dark Himbo mode: ACTIVATED

me on my period

It's so funny how Claire's kid is framed as a loser when I feel like he'd just be like any other normal kid in school. Like here he's implying his only friend is the retarded adult man next door stalking his mom, but there's nothing there to suggest he can't have other friends? Nothing sticks out about him that suggests he'd be incapable of making at least *one* appropriately-aged friend at school. They show he has these kids bullying him but that shouldn't mean he can't be friends with the kids not bullying him. He's only being bullied by like three ugly kids and we don't really see anyone joining in, it just seems like the main bully has a crush on him and is using his lackies to harass Claire's son into kissing him? But anyway, my point, if there ever was one, was that the movie didn't do a good job creating a true nerdy, loser character in the son. He's just normal and there's no reason he wouldn't have at least one normal friend at school, and it's just another thing that sticks out and makes you realize the writers just have never interacted with any real human being in their lives. I'm convinced this movie was either written by bots or lizard people.

Geriatric negro talmbout see you at school

Claire's son's bully tried to roast him by talking about The Wiz?? There's no chance a lizard person doesn't have their talons on this script

My stomach hurts. Noah's old ass beating the shit out of children at a high school he has NO BUSINESS attending. (But get him again, for me!!)

This scene was so funny. VP brings Noah to her office and is like I've been looking into your files [exposes him yada yada] and Noah is like y was ur nosey Karen ass all up in my files ANY DAMN WAY and the VP is like um it's my job and Noah is just like "whatever" lmao sorry but you have to see it to really *experience* it (non-spon!). This movie is so unserious like why do I love Noah and why is he my Dark Himbo Prince?? Sorry it's not just me being mentally ill, it's the movie being poorly constructed, so don't blame me!

When The Liteskint Prince activated Dark Himbo Mode and dragged Claire's shitty friend to within an inch of her meager life (get her again, FOR ME)

Please why did she say this to Claire? I can't tell if sum1 was trying to get their niece a SAG card or like was her character in cahoots with Noah or the bullies like what was her purpose lmaooo.

"I nailed Claire Peterson" - who talks like that? I definitely watched an edited version of this movie for some reason so I'm wondering if it actually said something else in the original version? I also wonder if this was just a run-of-the-mill Lifetime movie that somehow got shopped elsewhere or J.Ho's people stumbled upon it and thought with a little jizzing up it could be a perfect vehicle for her? Idk, it's just such a silly unserious movie that sometimes I'm like what is this. It's like the Kidz Bop version of a real movie, which is like most Lifetime-type movies (the modern day ones, anyway) so I'm just curious *non-genuine voice*

Wait, why are they kinda eatinggggg (this is revenge porn, btw)

It's crazy how Claire's son confronts his shitty dad about how his cheating fucked up his mom and she was such a mess but like nothing is resolved the scene just ends with them crashing the car. They never have the dad/husband really doing anything meaningful to make up for how he tore his family apart, but again, I guess that's realistic :)

A chew!!! lmao, but honestly Noah should seriously be institutionalized. And why does he look like somebody's peepaw? I can't take him seriously, meanwhile Claire's in the other room hyperventilating because he's sitting on her couch like girl if you don't go and get the bear spray and get to work smh

His sweater literally has elbow patches???? Wait, did he steal this from his uncle's closet? lmao aint no way he got permission to be rootin' through his uncle's closets and trunks and shit lmao

Why can't my two crazy Latinas just learn to work it out? :/

1 of my fave things about this "movie" is how Noah *repeatedly* reminds Claire that her husband is a lying, cheating ass piece of dog dookie anytime her silly ass tries to play those my man my man my man games. There's something conservative-coded about Noah. He doesn't like sluts, doesn't like tacky high heels, isn't foolin' with cheaters, doesn't like old dusty karens tryna play spry, etc lol. It makes his character super funny cuz he's like always on his high horse like bro aren't you a serial killer lmaooo

*Dark Himbo glare*

Lmao my face when Claire discovered her boytoy's deranged little serial killer lair

Please why is the pillow so dirty like this? Noah has no reason to have like a dirty little lair. He has his uncle's whole big ass house to himself and he could choose any room to do his creepy serial killing plannings in like why are you in the cellar sleeping on a dirty sleeping bag there is NO reason for this at all lmao

It's so insane, but not even remotely surprising, that Noah has saved on his computer his plans to cut the brakes on Claire's husband's car. He also has his plans saved from when he cut the brakes on his father's car (which led to his death). He really is slow and simple as hell and the movie should've had him signing up to the local elementary school to continue his education - high school was a bit of a reach

Literally why does the movie have Claire investigating the death of Noah's father??? Like the acting investigator on the case like shows her around their evidence garage or some shit literally WHY??? I'm pretty sure this would never happen lmao

Sorry, I laughed - Noah can't STAND her ass

Obsessed with how this looks like a Top Model photoshoot that would send a girl home (no but like Noah literally murdered her???)

*in pain from laughter* It was so funny when Claire discovered her friend's corpse and was like holding up her phone to see it sorry the way it was filmed made it look unserious I can't believe this movie exists

Nigga think he a superhero. Bro you MURDERED people! Well, I guess Superman took more bodies than 9/11 so maybe Noah isn't totally delusional..

Claire thought she ate with this. First of all, Noah killed his father and his father's SIDE HO, NOT his mom - so get your facts str8, ho. Secondly, didn't Superman literally stand there and watch completely straight-faced as his father got ate up by a tornado when he could've literally zooped over to him and saved him in one second? Think before you speak, idiot.

It's so funny how this movie has this super-gruesome body horror moment come out of literally nowhere. Like no type of spiritual lead-up to this moment at all lmao.

So funny how Noah's queen just stabbed him in the face and he can only see from one eye and he's still not playing about Claire's man being a big, heavy ass, cheating piece of shit. I love how he's not taking his foot off that man's thick neck like y'all are just jealous cuz Noah don't play and is a real loverboy who's ready to show the dolls what true love is supposed to look like. Everyone says they want a real lover until they actally see what it takes and now they wanna act scared like girl anyway y'all are FAKE

Noah is really just an eight year old boy playing cops and robbers. Claire should be arrested for molesting him for real

Look how they massacred my boy :(