Mad Max: Fury Road (2015)

Wow, I really did not like this movie??? Which was annoying, as I really wanted to love it? I mean, my beloved Tom Hardy was in it! What's not to love? Um, pretty much everything????

The first twenty minutes--Actually, this entire movie is just like one never-ending car chase and I am disgusted but okay. Like what actually happened? What was the plot? Ummm let's see. Something about people needing water? There's a guy named Immortan Joe, I guess? Breast milk factories??? Hmmm a character named Furiosa has...kidnapped or rescued a bevy of virgin bitches or something? Or, not virgins? One was definitely pregnant...so some info clearly went over my head. Okay, and then there's some dude named Max. He was like a prisoner of a bunch of steampunk skinheads, I guess? I feel like they were stealing his blood, or putting magical shit in his blood to get him revved up for some fucking war? 

Okay...so...none of that is a plot. Literally the movie opens with a long ass car chase. Then there's a break for Furiosa and her bevy of hoes to...chill? Until Max shows up and they fight him but then eventually start working with him for whatever reason. And then we're back to car chases. Eventually we reach Furiosa's fam and they tell her the green place or whatever doesn't exist anymore. Max is all "let's go back to where we just came from" and, so, they do? And that's a long ass car chase? A bunch of people get killed. That pregnant one I actually liked got killed. Wait did she get killed on the way there or the way back? On the way there? Doesn't matter. Violent Car chase to, violent car chase back. The movie ends with the car chase pulling up to a crowd of people. They get excited to hear the king is dead, I guess? Then Furiosa and Max stare at each other. There's an implied sequel. Will I watch? Yep. Sigh. 

!!!: The Drop (2014)

I can't believe this movie exists. I can't believe Tom Hardy exists. Like

wha...

what is???

why are you?!??!

So, like, honestly, this whole post could be just me unintelligibly talking about how much I love Tom Hardy, and like, even more so when he's cuddling a little pit bull pup, but I will, like, whatever, try to mostly talk about the movie?? Like the other stuff in the movie? In sort of a comprehensible, non-insane way? LOL

So...this was sort of an odd film. For me, anyway. I kept thinking how bizarre the pitbull pup plot was mixed in with all this...sort of gangster mob shit. It was like comical and sweet, but at the same time threatening and ominous because there's this weird guy who wants the dog and maybe he's a crazy murderer, but definitely he has a full blow-out that probably cost $200?? Right, like, this movie is so weird! Why does Eric Deeds have like highlights and a seventies blow-job???? But he looks homeless and unhinged??? I guess that explains his out of place "look"?? And what is this business with the chip  in the neck and all that? Does that honestly exist? And even if he did have that, when he was like "okay, I'll tell the police you beat the dog" right...who would the police believe? Bob, or Eric who spent time in a fucking insane asylum?? Hmm?? Why didn't Bob counter with that? Why did he entertain Eric for even one millisecond? ESPECIALLY WHEN THE WHOLE TIME HE KNEW THIS DUDE WASN'T EVEN A THREAT??? So. confused. But at the same time I'm just really glad there was an excuse to have all those scenes with Tom and that dog :') I wonder if the people behind making this movie are like huge pro-pit people? You know, like those people who are always PITBULLS AREN'T DANGEROUS IT'S THE OWNERS! Like Noomi's character straight-up says that verbatim at one point. Totally the entire reason behind this film was to get across the pro-pitbulls message and I love it, I love everything about. 

Okay and can we talk about James Gandolfini?? He was super funny in this and he made me like him and I got really annoyed when he fucked with Bob and, ultimately, good acting R.I.P. I'm annoyed I recently ~binge watched~ all six some fucking seasons of The Sopranos and spent the whole time not even realizing this dude is a super-good actor?? Maybe he makes it look too easy? Or I was distracted by all the nose-breathing??? Idk, but it sucks he's dead. But at least he left some fine performances behind before he peaced the fuck out and this is definitely one of them. How are you a huge piece of shit but also super-charming and hilarious? When he ran over that irrelevant kid from Animal Kingdom I was screaming and crying :') Like, in a good way. Like the audience at a black comedy club and Kat Williams is doing a set sort of way. Or when he talked about going to Europe with his sister and how he's that sort of loser now, traveling to Europe with his sister with a camera around his neck, idk it was funny. Or him lazily throwing salt down as Bob shoveled, or his response when Bob was like, "You don't call people from Ireland Irelandians" or whatever. Or when he was watching Bob wrap that arm and was like "You look like you're wrapping meat, like you do this every day". Like, Cousin Marv was just cracking me up the whole way through. Then shit started to get real and I was :( because I liked him but he was dirty. I was so mad when he started working with Eric. Why, Cousin Marv?!?

But okay! Him working with Eric leads us to find out that it was really Bob who killed that Wheelin dude, and whoopsie now Eric's dead, too! *Nadia's uhhhh...can I leave now face* Girl, me too. 

Like! I knew Bob was gonna turn the fuck up. And I totally wanted him to kill Eric...but...things got a little complicated once it was revealed Eric hadn't actually killed the Wheelin dude and then two seconds later he himself was murked. Nadia was like "lol umm...you just shot him..." Nadia was me while watching that scene, for real. And then when Nadia implied Bob was part of the thug life and he tried to assert that he was different from them I was also Nadia as she scurried away, promising not to say anything. I won't say shit, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME LIKE YOU JUST DID ERIC AND THAT OTHER DUDE AND PROB A BUNCH OF OTHER DUDES PLEASE DON'T PUT MY BODY IN A BOILER FULL OF LYE AND LAUNDRY DETERGENT THANK YOU PLEASE. But why did I still think it was cute when he referred to Rocco as their dog even though like five seconds prior he had just shot someone in front of her? Idk, smh @ me.

BUT APPARENTLY THE FILMMAKERS THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE TOO AND WERE TOTALLY SHIPPING NADIA AND BOB BECAUSE HE TURNS UP TO HER HOUSE AT THE END LIKE "LOL I KNOW YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN BUT I NEED TO HEAR YOU SAY IT". Yo, did Nadia just agree to go with him because she is a.) TERRIFIED, b.) dumb, c.) desperate/thirsty d.) he's Tom Hardy, or e.) all of the above and also he's Tom Hardy? Prob e. But I am projecting. I wish you two crazy kids the best!!

Peaky Blinders, Series 2: um, ugh?

sigh. I finished watching this shit like two weeks ago so I forgot everything. I have a bunch of random screencaps in my photo album thing, tho, and I'm looking at them like LOL WTF IS THIS WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS SCENE?? So, that's what this post will be. And also I didn't cap anything for at least the last two eps. Maybe the last three?? So I only have caps from the first three eps??? So I remember nothing from the last three eps?? I DO REMEMBER GRACE IS FUCKING PREGNANT THO UGH THIS SHOW PLEASE SHUT UP OMG 

Whoa whoa whoa...before I address ANYTHING. ANYTHING! I need to motherfucking address the severe, embarrassing, offensive, BIBLICALLY HORRIFIC lack of Tom Hardy in this shit. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, PEAKY BLINDERS? LIKE ARE YOU HELLA ASS SERIOUS??!?!?!? 

HOW

FUCKING

DARE

YOU

I was all souped for some Tommy Hardy and you give me like nothing. You give me like him grunting a few secs every episode, and while grunting Thomas is my absolute favoritest version of him, I AM FOCUSING MORE ON HOW IT ONLY HAPPENED FOR A FEW SECONDS AN EPISODE. Like what the fuck why did he even sign up for this???! I HAVE SO MANY THEORIES BUT NONE OF THEM ARE GOOD SO I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIKE SPECULATE OR WHATEVER. like, who cares why he decided to do this if time machines don't exist and I can't get in one and go back in time and tell him to not??????????? and tell him to do something better that he's in way more and that I like wayy more???? Ugh, when the fuck is Mad Max coming out that shit better be good I swear to god or he at least better be in every frame and please dear god I hope he eats someone. Charlize?? Can you tell I know nothing about the Mad Max mythology?? It takes place in Australia, right?? Soooo cannibalism??? Yes??

So totally I a little bit hate Peaky Blinders and like my main, sole reason for watching wasn't even really Cillian it was Tom??????? And he isn't even in the first series????? And then when he turns up in the second one he is nothing???? And he's playing a Jew and I'm like lol??????????? But no I totally hate Peaky lowkey and I had all wrong reasons for getting into it. Will I be watching series 3? You betcha! Because I'm actually interested in seeing Tommy Shelby being a dad, if they choose to go that route with the storyline. But also what about May? Will she continue to compete for Tommy's love even if Grace and a baby are in the picture? And whose team am I on? May is way less annoying than Grace, but she's like a 1,000% more pathetic? It's like, BITCH, YOU'RE RICH! YOU KNOW HORSE STUFF! COME. ON. #dobetter And Polly's son! I'm...intrigued by??? I sort of want to see him become Tommy 2.0 but like better than Tommy and Tommy feels threatened?? Because seriously no one around him has ever really been a threat? Especially not his two lunkhead ass brothers. YES PLEASE GIVE ME TOMMY BEING JEALOUS OF MICHAEL. Wait, do I actually hate this show if I'm excited to see how storylines play out in series 3? Look, you don't have to like a show to like want to see how things unfold. Like, do you know how long it took for me to give up on Dexter??? I'm still watching Homeland!! So. You can totes hate a show and still be invested and shit and sort of care about characters and what they do. Right? Or do I need to get my life together? No, I totally need to do that, however I don't believe that's relevant to what we're :) talking about :) here :))

Alright, fam. I have a bunch of caps so I'm just going to talk about them even though no one asked me to and how do you know you've hit rock bottom? What if you have no more feeling in your butt due to reasons I do not wish to disclose and you can't feel yourself hitting rock bottom??? Or is this more a WebMD problem than a you whoever is reading this or not reading this lol let's be honest problem??? Hmm???? 

My baby Arthur jumping rope with maybe the rope he used to try and fail to hang himself last series??!?!? Adorable :') 

I was still stanning hard for Arthur this season eventho he is a massive idiot and then mixed with coke it's a fucking disaster. And he killed someone this season, right? Yes, yepppy. He killed like an innocent dude. Like pummeled the shit out of him??? While "boxing"??? Mm prob would've been better off succeeding at that whole suicide thing, but I guess life is just random like that lol!! 

So I don't know if you can tell or nah but I'm obsessed with Tom Hardy. He's like numero uno in my fucking shriveled raisin of a heart, and numero uno in that gaping hole where my soul should be. TOP TIER IN MY BODY. Like I'm the pudding and he's the skin??? HMMM. NO...

BUT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. It's weird, bruh. And in the caps^ above, that's when he's first intro'd in the series AND I ALMOST THREW UP WITH PLEASURE. I was filled to the brim with excitement juices. lol no sorry. BUT LIKE IT WAS JUST HIS BACK AND I WAS DYYYYYYINNNG. Seriously I think this show was like fucking with me or some shit. Me, specifically. LIKE YOU KNOW HE IS MY ONLY AND YOU'RE LIKE TEASING ME FOR AN ENTIRE MINUTE WITH JUST HIS BACK???? Fuck you, Peaky Blinders, you're the devil. 

BUT THEN YOU GAVE ME HIS PROFILE AND I WAS ALRIGHT AND I COULD BREATHE AND CLIMAX. lol nooo these are all ~~~jokes~~~~~~~~ just...jokes......

This post is a cry for help, if there...ever was one.............

Ah. I am on a quest to embarrass myself as much as possible, and I think I'm making great time! This shit in the screenshots~ above^ was...when Tommy first went to see Tom's character Alfie. I barely know exactly who he's supposed to be. His name is Alfie, he's Jewish, and he's ~~the bread maker~~, which I'm like 83% sure means he makes booze? Illegal, prob??? Sure!! Alfie tells Tommy to taste his product and JUST THE WAY TOM IS DOING THE MOST FOR NO REASON WHILE CILLIAN IS DRINKING THE BEER OR WHATEVER. Like, look at his face: WHY??? WHY ARE YOU DOING ALL OF THAT??????!!!?!?!?! I don't understand how every single person in the fucking world is not 17,383%% as obsessed with him as me. Like he's entirely ridiculous and perfect and please can he live in a little cage in a storage room I pay rent on and then occasionally I take him out for walks with one of those baby leashes but it's not at all an S&M thing because that's not my scene. I make sure the leash is clearly for babies. That's not a scene is it?? Oh god

NEVER FORGET WHEN TOMMY WAS TALKING TO ALFIE AND HE GOT SO SCARED HIS NOSE STARTED BLEEDING. Or gratuitous pic of me if I ever get to be in the presence of Tom Hardy. Please don't ever let that happen jesus 

lol why did I take like 3 pics of this dude? I think I was trying to (vainly) capture in still shots the precise essence of his grossness/horribleness. 

This is Darby Sabini, played by Noah Taylor, and I basically loved this character. Noah is giving me a lot of Ben Mendelsohn tease which is ultimately just a lot of Gary Oldman tease??? I WAS HERE. FOR. IT. He's gross and funny and scary and ridiculous and everything you'd ever want in a ~~bad guy~~. Or at least everything I'd want. Mucho bueno, señor. ugh no stop. 

Aw. I think this was after Arthur killed that kid in the boxing place? Like - should I be feeling bad for Artie?? He killed someone so..............it's awkward. And here he's telling Tommy he can't do it anymore or something and Tommy just spazzes on him like I'M TIRED OF THIS!!!!!!! Aw I felt so bad for Arthur, and basically for anyone with like a mental illness in this time and especially a gangster liiiiiikkkkeee you're getting NO HELP. But he totally killed me in this scene with his little tears and Tommy yelling in his face ugh stopppp itttt. And I think a little while after this, baby Finn comes to pick Arthur up for some club/bar opening or whatever and Arthur is all depressed and doesn't want to go, and so Finn who is like thirteen or some shit gives Arthur coke to perk him up AND I'M LIKE SIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH Why is this family?? Why is anything???

lol I capped these for obvious reasons I don't need to explain. I don't think I talked about John in the Series 1 post because he is basically irrelevant to me. The actor who plays him, though, Joe Cole, semi is???? Relevant?? To me?? Like solely because he was that drug dealy douchebag ass dude Franky was fucking in series 6 of Skins. And I sort of loved him?????? Inexplicably, because like I said he was a douche??? And then after that I saw him in The Hour and he was pretty irrelevant there BUT CAN WE TALK IN CAPS ABOUT HOW FUCKING PISSED I AM THAT SHOW GOT CANCELLED UGH DIE EVERYONE PLEASE. Um, wow, what...am I.......... So anyway! Joe Cole is vaguelyish on my radar. I can't tell if...I like his acting? Or if he's just ~interesting~~ for me to watch? mmm I'll wait. I definitely think I'm into his douchebag face, though. And like this weird walk he does. What like class in Britain is he from? I'm still trying to figure out the hierarchy. There are chavs and pikeys and....lol those two. Andddd then...middle class? But the middle class over there is like upper-class, right? What class were the kids from The Inbetweeners?? lol ugh. Joe Cole looks to be from whatever class I imagine people like Tom Hardy or Jack O'Connell are from. Or is Jack from like one class below Tom and Joe? lol what if Joe went to like private school??? HELP WHAT AM I DOING. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HIS ACCENT IS AND WHY HE WALKS LIKE THAT. IS HE A FAKE THUG OR NAH??? 

Oh this was when Polly first met her son ugh. I totally forgot all this shit happened in one series. Like she's looking for him and then he turns up and immediately he's part of the gang lol. And also Michael made me immediately care about him??? Probably due to me already caring about Polly, Helen McCrory's acting and Finn Cole's acting?? Right?? Like I legit cared about their relationship and storyline, even tho it was basically: POLLY SAYS MICHAEL CAN'T DO IT, MICHAEL SAYS HE IS ALMOST EIGHTEEN HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS, TOMMY INTERVENES IN HIS TOMMY WAY, OKAY POLLY CHANGES HER MIND, MICHAEL DOES IT, MICHAEL WANTS TO DO SOMETHING AGAIN, POLLY SAYS NO, MICHAEL SAYS HE CAN DO WJHATEVER H EEE WANTZZZ BECUZ HE'S 18 SO NAAHANAHANNAH, *TOMMY face*, POLLY MIND CHANGE????, MICHAEL DOES WHATEVER WHENEVER WHEREVERRRRRR, POLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY SAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDD NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, MIKEY IS LIKE YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME MOMMMYMYMYMMYMYMYMYMYMMYY, TOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYY HASSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MORRRRRRRRRRRREEEEE PRESSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG CONCCCCCCERRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LIKKKKKEEEEEE HORSEYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, rinse & repeat ;)

lol I guess I capped this because I was into Mikey's face? This is one of twelve thousand identical scenes where Michael is trying to do something and people are like no ask your mommy and he is like I AM EIGHTEEN IN THREE WEEKS. lol. Watching this at the time, I had no idea how many more times I'd see this exact same fucking scene. It never got old. Sarcasm, tho. Ah, I wish I could go back to when I wasn't destroyed by 13 million different but totally the same versions of this scene :) When I was young and innocent :) Pure :) Like unpeed on snow :))))))) 

:')

Another one of those moments when my beloved was doing the absolute mostest for no reason at all <33

LOL I'M REMEMBERING THIS SCENE MORE. I THINK HE WAS JUST STARING AT THAT DUDE FOR LIKE A REALLY LONG TIME LORD JESUS HELP ME OR ALLAH OR SANTA WHOEVER THE FUCK IS UP THERE NOT MASTURBATING TO THE SOUND OF PEOPLE'S SCREAMS HELPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Like, okay, no. I understand now maybe why Tom took this role? Clearly he was allowed to do whatever the fuck. BUT I JUST WISH THERE WAS SO MUCH MORE UGH. Why can't...I just get an Alfie series??? Like??? Come??? On????????? OR AT LEAST THE TAKE ON DVD lol i don't have a dvd player so when would iiii...FUCK YOU I STILL WANT IT!!! 

I took this because I was shipping Sam Neill - whose character's name I have continued to refuse to learn - and Tommy. LIKE THEY'RE BOYFRIENDS LET'S JUST SQUARE THAT UP REAL QUICK. And ugh I didn't even get the best shot because at one point Tommy was like directly on Sam's neck. LIKE ALL UP IN HIS FUCKING NECK, RIGHT? And omg towards the end of the series with their little ~~face off~~ at the bar where Tommy sort of read Sam for filth???? LIKE THEY'RE FIGHTING OVER GRACE BUT IT'S LIKE THE GAYEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN. Like Sam and Tommy are lesbians and Grace is their double-sided dildo - ya feel me???????????? No, you totally do. 

Whyyyy did I screencap this lol? I THINK either because he was sitting in the middle of a boxing ring by himself eating a sandwich, OR, he was popping awf. Like, ridiculously so. Probably screaming at the top of his lungs in whatever accent that is he's doing, while his Gary Oldman and Benny Mendy shaped demons are fighting to get out. However, I cannot comprehend why I thought a single screenshot would capture all, if any, of that???? HMMM @ me. Hmmmmm. 

THIS WAS WHEN MAY WAS BEING THIRSTY AS HELL AND THE BOYS WERE MAKING FUN OF HER AND TOMMY. PARTICULARLY ARTHUR WAS MAKING FUN OF THEM DOING THIS DEEP YELLY VOICE THING THAT FUCKINNNGGG...KILLLLED MEEEEEE. And, again, does the screenshot above capture any of that at all? IT MIGHT.

u g h. I was just on the imdb trivia page for the show and THEY FUCKING EXPLAIN WHAT PEAKY BLINDERS MEANS SORT OF: "The gang earned its chilling nickname through the practice of sewing razor blades into the peaks of their flat caps, so that they could blind rival gangsters by headbutting them." I want to die. It's still a super-gay gang name. Also ehg @ gang people using razor blades. Can you, like, chill out lol Whatever happened to slap fights? When did that stop being the ~cool~ thing to do huh????

Why did I take this screenshot? Cillian's chilliang ass face????? 

Arthur, buddy. What are you doiiiiiiiingggggg??? Remember how in the post for series 1 I said I was rooting for you in that Tyra Banks sort of way??? Welp! Good job being the perfect disappointing ass Tiffany. Or, secretly, not even disappointing, because I totally expected/wanted this sort of thing from you??? Sigh @ me. Sigh. @. me. 

This is Ada's roommate who we don't find out is gay until right after this BUT COME ON. I think I capped this because he answered the door cunty as hell like "WHO ARE YOU??" It killed me and also I was sure Tommy was going to kill him??? Unfortunately he didn't??? Where's Arthur when you need him seriously

okay and then we find out this dude is gay and as he's leaving Tommy and Ada alone to talk he like gives Tommy the once-over, like sexxxing him with his eyeballies. I DIED. It was great, so that's why I capped this ugh AND LIKE THE WHOLE TIME HE'S IN LONG JOHN PYJAMAS OR SOME SHIT. Why does America not use pyjamas? It's so much gayer. And pajamas are inherently gay as shit. You can't be walking around here trying to heterosexualize up fucking footie pajamas and silk lingerie and shit by removing the y. AND ADDING AN A. Nigga if you want the word to be straighter add a "no homo" ass h or g or some shit. A trying hard as hell L. I'M SO STRAIGHT LOOK AT ME BE SO FUCKING NINETY DEGREES NO DICKS IN MY ASS THAT IS FIRMLY PLANTED IN A SEAT ALWAYS NO THANK UUU pljamas

lol I remember exactly why I capped this: Alfie's. Du-rag. What's the official spelling of durag? I feel like I often spell it "durag" but always feel like I gotta add a hyphen to be professional~?? And also I've seen "doorag". But I think white publications spell it like that lol. Anyway all this is for naught because I'm pretty sure that's not even a durag, I think it's like some Jewish hat thing. What's the official spelling for "Jewish hat thing"?????????????????? Do you know or not????????? 

This^ was just a funny scene and I was like "lemme get photographic evidence of how hilar this shit is" lol right. good job. CAPTURED IT!!

WHAT WAS HIS NAME OMG HELP. No lemme go check imdb. lol okay imdb hasn't told me yet what this young lad's name is BUT I JUST FOUND OUT FINN COLE AND JOE COLE ARE BROOSSSSSSS. And I asked this question of imdb before and it provided me no info. Why is this shit ~hidden~ in the Peaky Blinders trivia section UGH COME ON. I COULD HAVE BEEN KNOWIN THIS lol. Well! Alright! Back to trying to figure out what this kid's name was ugh. Okay! Character name is Isaiah and actor name is Jordan Bolger. I solely capped his face because I like it. LIFE GOALS ACCOMPLISHED. All of them, I'm not kidding. 

lol this^ was the last screenshot I took of the show before I just...stopped. And seriously this was definitely probably episode two lol. That guy was like screaming or horrified or something and I died laughing. AND LET'S JUST RANDOMLY END THIS POST HERE! Let's go Peaky Blinders seaz 3 can't wait to be suspiciously bored, though not suspiciously disappointed, by your super-meager efforts! Turn up turn up!!!!