Um lol. Real talk: I watched this for laughs and laughs only. There is NO WAY IN HELL I thought a movie fucking titled Christian Goddamn Mingle: The Movie would be worthy of me taking it seriously in any way. This movie was made solely for the purposes of promoting a discriminatory (cough exclusive) dating website. Like the makers of this movie were like fuck it, let's just make the whole movie an ad! Why have random eos lip balls or cans of Coors Lights sitting out in some shots for a few coins when we can get the whole enchilada and just make one whole long ass commercial?!
I hate that the movie was trying to appeal to people skeptical of the website. Who is the audience for Christian Mingle: The Movie? Simple ass gullibles who believe in whatever fairytale bullshit Christian Mingle has to sell them, and people like me, watching this mess purely to make fun of it, because I am a troll who lives under a bridge. Neither of those groups are anyone you can try to reach with "I get that you're cynical, but wait, hear me out". Both groups are so fucking far gone and dead inside on opposite ends of the spectrum, that I bet both of them are only, at the end of the day, focusing on why Paul was acting mad weird about sushi. Like, why was he acting like an alien in human skin awkwardly trying to blend in, but he hates raw tuna so much that he breaks character just to talk about how ridiculous and gross it is? Nary a nigga is paying attention to Christian Mingle and co. tryna get you to ~let loose~ and ~love God~. Girl, how come Paul keep talking bout that damn sushi?!
So the movie centers on some rat-faced bish (way harsh, tai) named Gwyneth, played by the first voice of Meg Griffin, fun fact. Gwyn is MAD annoying!!!!!!! Lol like shut up!! She's despondent because she's ~nearly 30~ (side-eye, btw), and has yet to find her ~*~one~*~. Calm down, me thinks. I'm not dead inside enough to pretend I don't get why someone would be sad they don't have some major love in their life, but it's like, she was way too focused on what everyone else was doing. All her friends were married and had kids and shit and Gwyn was all WHAT ABOUT ME?! And she was so ugly about it. Like she mentioned some woman I guess in their friend circle and was like "if Blah finds a man before me I'll die!" or something. Like, why are you like this? I guess she was implying this woman was a loser or something? But one person's trash. And everyone has their soulmate(s), so who are you to be feeling some type of way about another bitch getting hers? She's living her life and you need to live yours. Maybe if you were focused on your path and your path only, you wouldn't be so lost and empty. Like, Gwyneth was mad lowkey disgusting and pathetic.
I guess that's where the ~finding God~ part comes in? This shit was so funny when the movie opened and Gwyn's voiceover was like "On my search for love I ended up finding Him. Yes, Him, Him! Capital H!". Bitch, if I find out you fucked Jesus I'm calling the police.
Gwyneth has no place in life. She has some little marketing job doing ads for shitty products and obviously this leaves her empty and depressed. How this movie gon' critique the advertising industry while being an entire fucking ad itself? Girl if you don't get with this!!
Wait can we talk about Gwyn's magical negro? There's some black woman at work she's always dumping all her problems on and every fucking scene I'd be saying to myself "This bitch don't know nothing about this woman, don't never ask her any questions, just me me me". This woman at one point had to actually say out of her mouth to her white co-workers that she was not Oprah. This movie is honestly trolling. And then they had her at the end of the movie revealing she the whole time was a woman of God. Which I completely called, but this movie is so fucking tone deaf to have Gwyn act all shocked at Oprah saying she was a god-fearer. Like, ho, when the fuck ever did you inquire about this woman's life?? You're trash.
So wait lol this shit is all over the place. Gwyn is sad she aint got a man blah blah, so she signs up to Christian Mingle. At first she'd be watching the commercials like "lol yeah right" but then I guess she became so fucking desperate she decided to give it a try. SHE SIGNS UP TO THIS WEBSITE AND LIES ABOUT LOVING GOD. lol mess. She finds a "match" in Paul.
I thought...Paul was a joke. Lol, I could not believe he was gonna be the male love interest. But I realized over the course of the movie that his dorkiness and lameness was done purposely. He's just a straight-laced, Jesus-fucker, and that's how them milk-drinking, creamed corned eaters be. But wow, it took me a while to accept him lol. But I started to like him. I thought he was nice lol. Just a fucking complete cornball, and green as can be, but swell! I felt he was too good for Gwyn. Not because he was Team Jesus and she was Team Who Cares lol, but he just seemed...better lol. Gwyn was just an ugly person. She wasn't like burning orphanages to the ground or anything, she just had toxic ass energy, and she had no...purpose. No meaning to her life lol that's harsh but she was empty af and Paul had a purpose and a calling and he should've been with someone in that same lane. Tryna do what he tryna do. Only reason Gwyn was getting into Jesus was so she could get into Paul's Dockers. That's disgusting, and I was not here for them getting together at the end.
Like, it's cute that Gwyn went to Mexico to teach them brown kids (SIDE EYE!!), but I don't see how that displayed to Paul she was about shit. I would've assumed she was doing all that to prove to me she was pious and charitable and blah blah like all that fake ass faking she was doing from jump. Like if I were Paul I woulda wrote Gwyneth off the minute that little Mexican girl found her Christianity For Dummies book lol. Like religion is serious. I'm not religious, but I know if you are, you put your whole soul in it, and for someone to be like...pretending to care is just making a mockery of it, and that's so fucking disrespectful and they clearly don't genuinely care about and respect you as a human being if they're doing that. Am I being too harsh? I'm not Christian so idgaf about judging someone and going hard on them. Ahh so nice to not have love in my life :')
I completely regret watching this lol. Not only was it not even a really entertaining movie, but it made me angry, and worse, siding with the Christian freaks! I was heated lol. Foh making me be Team Jesus! Anyway, I would totally be the type of person to sign up to Xtian Mingle and troll the fuck outta them niggas on there talking about "I heart Jesus" and shit, just to snag me a sugar lump daddy. Some nigga who own like three Chik-fil-As or some shit. Wait I changed my mind, this movie was a good advertisement for the website. Good job, Christian Mingle marketing department.
