Rendez-vous (1985)

What was this? What the fuck was this? No...lemme not act brand new. This is ~Frênch Fìlm~. Literally...all french films are exactly the same. There's fucking uh....fucking. Terrible, awful characters, even (especially) the so-called "likable" and "charming" ones; there's...more fucking. Soup bowls used to drink coffee out of. Water in milk jugs. Weird old-timey looking homes and apartments. No one has storm screens in their windows; Juliette Binoche or Isabelle Huppert; everyone is white; everyone is crazy but because France it's just normal; characters are just fucking like...as personality traits; there's some weird guy with a nose; no one's hair is combed but everyone is hot anyway; pubic hair; fake-deep existentialism; casual maniacal depression made to seem like a fancy perfume commercial - this is all French Film is. There are some exceptions/wild card moments: an occasional Black; horrifically boring sci-fi mixed in with the only mildly boring fake-deep existentialism; someone acknowledges everyone hates Muslims, etc, but the formula is typically adhered to very closely.  

This is all to say I love French cinema. Can't get enough, and will watch anything they make. That is not to say I will like everything. I actually hate most of it, but I simply like to be along for the ride, even if the final destination is like, a Japanese internment camp, or an abandoned pet hospital in Chernobyl with radiating German Shepherds running around like mutated wolfbears. I just like...to experience the awfulness. Sometimes I legit like French films, but it'll happen on-accident, and usually end up being some fucked up bullshit that makes me question my entire existence. Like one time I ended up liking this movie with Gérard Depardieu and his nose and it was some shit like he and this dude were thieves? And at one point they both were breastfeeding off this woman they met/possibly raped on a train? And then they had a threesome with I think Jeanne Moreau and she killed herself?????????? And for some reason I was like YAS? Yeah it was an accident. There's no French Film that is OKAY and you can like it and feel fine with yourself. It's actually better for you to watch it for ~the experience~ and end the film "hating" (you just didn't "get it") it, because then you can still maybe feel like a good person at the end of it. Also, it's totally fine to like any film from French-Canada (it's not). They're the Degrassi of French Cinema they don't count, you'll be fine (you won't it's not okay). 

So anyway lol thankfully I ended Rendez-vous str8-up lowkey hating it. Lowkey, because I rarely have a passionate feeling either way when I end a French film. I usually just feel vaguely depressed and unmoored but not like clapping or going to jump off a building or anything. The emotion is always in-between the two whether I liked the film or naw. When I ended Rendez-vous I was mostly annoyed that 1. the subtitles for that quote they had up there disappeared too fast for me to read, so I had to rewind, and 2. when I did rewind, I like, still didn't get it? I realized I had actually read the whole quote, it's just I didn't get it? Something about wheat chafe and it grows a fruitful bounty??? I DON'T KNOW!!!  

What was this mess about? Sigh, Juliette B plays a shitty actress (shade??) who is looking for an apartment. She's supposed to be really young in this movie, like 18? She's care-free (in a kind of fake way, I think? or just French) and goes to...an apartment realtor or something? and is all like lol sew tired of sleeping on friends couches, I need an apartment! :) But like later we find out she's just been fucking her way through all of Paris and admits she hasn't spent one night alone since she's arrived?? (Girl, grôss??) 

The guy who helps her at the apartment-finder place, Paulot, is immediately in love. Cuz she's Juliette Binoche or whatever. Juliette (wtf was her character name idk who cares) invites Paulot to her play. She's a tea and chocolate maid. Like...she's terrible, right? I legit can't tell tho lol like maybe in France she is good, but she is like directly talking to the audience when she delivers her like one line so.....I don't think so? No, she's a shit actress because it's clear she's terrible when she reads later for something more ~serious~ and she's just always being lowkey dragged. So, no, she's bad.

After the play Juliette and Paulot hang out. Juliette has some bae she's living with, and he gets mad she's looking for an apartment. He reveals she's slutty (she's French, wtf did you expect??), and is yelling at her, I guess fed up with her behavior. (She's also like eighteen, so?). Juliette starts packing her bags and leaves off with Paulot.

Paulot takes her back to his place, which he shares with some guy named Quentin, who fulfills the role of Weird Guy With a Nose. Paulot says Juliette can stay on their couch until she finds a place, but Q-dog is right away hostile, makes Juliette uncomfy, and so she ends up fucking off. Paulot walks her over to a motel or something across the street. 

At first, because I could not be more predictable, I am into Quentin. He has a weird nose and looks depressed and like he lubricates his breakfast cereal with heroin juice. He's all ~dark~ and ~mysterious~. For like two seconds. I'm not 16 anymore so shit like this doesn't hold much weight anymore and as soon as he breaks into Juliette's motel room and tries to force himself on her I am like girl, I am OVER this. She beats him with her heel and he just like stalks off into the rain and I want to die and for this movie to be over TWENTY MINUTES AGO! :) Idek if at this point the movie has been on for twenty minutes, but I want it rewound to the point that it stops existing. 

For some reason, it carries on. Great.

Wtf happens? Oh, of course, Quentin threatens to kill himself if Juliette doesn't pay attention to him or some trite bs. I woulda let that nigga kill himself. Like, he's not that cute, he looks dusty, his hair is uneven, like who cares? Not me! But apparently Juliette does and I am.......so tired. 

Quentin takes her to a sex club because of course where he's playing I guess Romeo in some sex club version of Romeo and Juliet and at one point is fucking Juliet in a trapeze net or something? You know what was weird about this French Film? No explicit sex. Like, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE? If you're not going to give me Good Story, whip them dicks out, STOP PLAYING GAMES! 

I should be euthanized, but so also should whoever made this movie. So Juliette and ol' boy get to smushin' gushies. Who cares. Then immediately after a maybe cute lil sex thing, Quentin is a dick and a douche, and then he kills himself. Thank GOD! lol Praise the LORDT! 

Does the movie improve? *screaming* NO! 

Quentin dies and some old guy shows up. Blah blah turns out he's the dad to the girl Quentin killed. He aint really kill the broad. Blah blah Quentin and this chick (the old dude's daughter) starred in I guess some well-renowned play of Romeo and Juliet back in the day and became instant young successes and then apparently they felt they had done all there was to do in life (??????) and decided to kill themselves (¿¿¿¿¿) but Quentin survived? Except his bitch ass I guess kept trying to make attempts over the years blah blah finally he succeeds after fucking Juliette Binoche (shade???). 

Dumb.

So Quentin's ghost is haunting Juliette, telling her she's a shit actress and a loser or whatever (where's the lie??). The old dude is putting on a new revival or whatever of Romeo and Juliet, and trolls the play by casting Juliette as Juliet. Quentin's ghost is like Bitch, you BET NOT play Juliet, but he is not even being unreasonable, she is...so terrible.

Another part of the story is Paulot has been wanting to smash Juliette but she isn't into it? She friendzones him instantly and he's all in his feelings and then at the end of the movie when Juliette is at her utmost desperate and loneliest she finally offers her body to Paulot, which he takes, but is like spitting on her and being mean?? Sooooo. And then they go to eat and it's awkward because just before they were having that weird, horrible sex. Then Juliette invites him to her play. He rips up the ticket and you can assume the Simp has graduated to Not So Simp? I guess spitting...the spitting thing helped??...

When the spitting thing was happening all I could wonder was if Juliette Binoche was cool with that (she's French, so prob) and then also that scene when Quentin was like thrashing her?? Was Juliette the Actress, like FINE with that? I am disturbed by what maybe she went through to film this, but even more so by the thought that she was prob cool with the whole deal. How very...French.

Look, this movie was boring. I don't care about horrible things if they're interesting, but they weren't here? That is the main crime: dullness. But again, I mainly care about the ride itself, boring or not. I wish I wasn't like this. But movies, sadly, are school for me. I learn something new every day. Like for instance, in this film, I learned Juliette doesn't shave her armpits (girl me neither, I need to move to French Place), and also that I cannot tell the difference between Real French People and people who are Not French, but can speak it. Was Quentin, like, British? For some reason I thought he looked American (and really out of place), but British makes even more sense. So much horrible sense. But anyway, when will I die? 

-

Rendez-vous

Love (2015)

Yikes, um. If you're going to make an unlikeable ass film like this, at least have the protagonist be played by someone who doesn't make the back of my eyeballs itch. Like, Murphy is awful, yeah? That's unanimously agreed upon by everyone who has seen or will see this movie. But I don't understand the point of casting Murphy with an actor seemingly even more unlikeable than the written character. I know literally zero factazoids about Karl Glusman, and I am not sure I have even seen him in any other movies. For all I know, he's the best! However, like, acting-wise? I wanted to kick him in the throat??? And like, you need to understand I am almost disturbingly lazy. To be dreaming of lifting my leg up even a millimeter off the ground to kick someone in the neck? You know it's serious, okay? I was hating this dude really bad. 

I love...terrible characters. Murphy is a huge loser and on top of that, dumb, and not even cute. He looks weird and is stupid. This is like every character in a French film, so I am expecting this watching one. And I guess I should be also expecting an unlikable actor to be playing a character like this, because that's de rigueur for French films. Does it make a difference that I think this Karl dude is American? Maybe that's what was off? Like a lot of times in French films when dude characters are terrible (which is ALL THE TIME), they at least have that nonchalant French Cool thing to make up for it a bit. But Karl is like awkward and embarrassing? Like a lot?? He just wasn't pulling off being a piece of shit. It was hard to watch, and not in a good way like how most French films? I was distraught.

Is this even a French film? Pretty sure, not one hundred, but pretty is base one hundred for someone too lazy to like...look it up. Anyway, I got what I deserved. 

So this movie is supposed to be some horrible love story, I guess? Concerning this horrible dude named Murphy, and some beautiful bitch named Electra who, even tho a junkie and like also stupid???, deserved WAY better than Murphy? Like Electra was mad pretty and she had a cool accent and those beautiful spaced out comb teeth looking like fucking Betty Blue or some shit - like, I was so annoyed she was attracted to Murphy lol. Outta all the sexy ass French dudes you choose some gawky American asshole? Bitch are you for real? Maybe it was the drugs idk...

The movie starts out with Murphy and his current broad/baby mama Omi jacking each other off. I thought they were going to be the main couple of the movie, then quickly found out that wasn't the case thank god because I wasn't feeling their vibe. Murphy has a baby with Omi and I guess they're booed up. The movie tells the story backwards and eventch we find out that Murphy hooked up with Omi off a threesome he had with her and his former girl, Electra. Could've explained that better, but honestly what we really need to be talking about is how Omi was like sixteen???????????????????????????????????????? Since when are we doing threesomes with sixteen year olds??? Like you think because she has bangs it's okay? Ummmmmmmm nooooooooooooo?????? And like I wanna feel bad for Electra, I guess, for Murphy cheating on her with Omi and getting her pregnant, but flashbacks or whatever reveal Murph was always stepping out, which she knew about, and also she consented to the threesome with the sixteen year old and didn't find anything weird or wrong with it????? So like I don't care??? 

I don't know, this movie made me tired and I didn't, like, care about the shitty ~romance~. The director put some words in Murphy's mouth which I assumed were his own feelings, that said to me he thought he was doing some real new shit with this film. What with what I believe was non-simulated sex scenes, and how ~intimate~ they were. Murphy is supposed to be some ugly film student and he says to a girl in the film how he wants to create movies about sex and love and sex and love together or some such bs, and then also says to Electra how he wants his movies to be made of blood, cum and shit or something?? Because that's what ~~life~~ is or some idiotic pretentious shit. Like how many goddamn French films are just loaded with sex scenes and then book-ended with random scenes where characters have bare, non revealing in any way conversations about existential malaise and how they're so different and want to do things such and such a way because they are so ~out there~ and misunderstood and then someone whips their dick out and there's twenty minutes of that and then they go back to talking about how they want to die, but not like ~everyone else~, and then someone smokes a cigarette and then someone else takes their titty out and then a secondary character kills themselves and the main ones make it about how their romance is the most ultimate romance, and then always there's a threesome, and always there's some skinny bitch popping her pubic bone up on something and there's a bitch in a sundress with no bra on, and then someone drinks coffee out of what looks like a soup bowl, and then someone else drinks water out of what looks like an old timey milk bottle, but there's not milk in it, there's water. And sometimes it's okay because like Juliette Binoche is in it, or Xavier Dolan made it funny, but Love didn't have either of those things going on, so, it was a whomp for me. 

But nice try? #positivevibes2k17 #itwasweirdhoweveryoneelsediedin2k16butnotmelol:(