Porn 4 Me: Starred Up (2013)

This movie has...multiple things that I am very much here for. 

1. Ben Mendelsohn, my queen. I am obsessed with him to the point that it's getting illegal-seeming. And why does he maybe look like something that would be from Whoville but maybe exiled to whatever their version of a leper colony would be??? And why does that make me love him so much more than all the other plebeian actors who exist with the exception of like Tom Hardy and Eva Green and a bunch of other people lol but you get the point. He's top tier in my heart and he's here and I want to fucking die. Like, and he's not only just here. He's playing 

2. Jack O'Connell's fucking daddy. Yo, I love Jack O'Connell. Like, solely off the strength of Skins. Wow what else have I seen him in to make this less bad??? Eden Lake??? oh god is that it??? He was in This Is England but I don't remember him ugh I only remember that little fat kid and Rudy from Misfits helllp. But I love him and when I first found out this movie existed I think maybe I shit my pants? Let's pretend I'm being hyperbolic. 

So these are two very super-amazing things and really all I need to know. Like you don't need to sell me further information about the film because Ben Mendelsohn playing Jack O'Connell's father is fucking all I ever needed in my life. Like, I was born to see that, so. But then! But then you throw in some extra shit!!

3. PRISON SHIT. These niggas are in prison. Man-rapey ass prison. Except this is in Britain or something and I don't think their prisons do man-rape. Which is lowkey a bummer. But still, prison! I both love and hate prison shit. Like have you ever seen Oz? That show will fuck you up. And it's one of my favorites of all time but I really...I really feel wrong about declaring that. Another one of my favorite prison things is this James Cagney movie Each Dawn I Die. Yo, be still my beating heart, fo real. James Cagney totally falls in love with George Raft and that is 100% all that movie is about try to fucking tell me differently. Sometimes, though, prison stuff just makes me mad. Shit like Dog Pound. See also: Oz. Like, all that fucking violence really gets to me. Aww boo hoo or whatever, but seriously. Like, I don't want to see people get repeatedly punched in the face and like beaten with sticks and shit what don't you understand orrrrrrrr?????????? So prison stuff will give me horrible violence shit but then they'll also give me

4. GAY SHIT. I'm only a little mad I didn't get any anal penetration please engrave that on my tombstone. But Starred Up definitely delivered on gay shit, and not just like obviously gay stuff with Benny Mendy kissing on his bunkmate. They also gave me ~the other~ type of gay shit: like man emotions and all that jazz. Bro hugs and bro tears and shit. And I praise this movie very much for doing an almost mostly good job at making a prison movie tailor-made for my very specific, disgusting, highly disturbing sensibilities. 

Okay so instead of ~recapping~ this movie or whatever I'll just write little commentary for the embarrassing amount of screenshots I took while watching. I TRIED SO HARD TO NOT. I wanted to really not and honestly I am very proud of myself for holding back and not just pressing the camera button thing on my keypad every time Jack O'Connell was walking around in a sweatshirt which is like 77% of the movie when he isn't showering or inexplicably wearing a hazmat suit??? But. I did take a bunch of screenshots. So I will post them now and ugh sigh write shit about them sigh die. 

So. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do these inmates have access to razors and like lighters? Come on, Britain. I could see if this was Canada. Like, what is some little bag of milk drinking French Canadian fairyboy going to do with a toothbrush besides keep their oral hygiene up to date?? Britain has chavs and street tuffs. People from council estates who seem even worse than American White Trash because how are you ghetto but your country has a Queen??? Liiiiiiiiiiiiike, get your life really fucking together, please! Anyway I took this screenshot because I was just wondering why he had access to these items. Also in his little kit he had like gummi bears and a boombox AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW ALL THE CELLS HAD LIKE FULL-ON KITCHEN SET-UPS WITH LIKE KETTLES AND TEA AND MUGS AND SUGAR. The fucking works, b. Does that happen in America? I can definitely see that happening at white collar prisons, but not some prison like this with niggas locked up for murder and assault and shit. But, again, they don't do man-rape in the British penal system, so I guess tea kettles are cool. But razors, tho??? Come on. Wait I feel like they have razors in American prisons too because remember on Oz how everyone had like a shiv so yeaaaaah nvm

7:49. I really thought I was doing something waiting until like seven minutes in before screencapping shit. And screencapping it horribly because wtf is this. But I thought it was amusing he had like two bottles of fucking baby oil. WHAT IS THAT FOR, MY PAL? Okay, so maybe he uses it to moisturize his skin after shower time. Later in the movie, tho, Jack's character Eric uses like both bottles to clean up a bunch of blood from his cell and also to slather his body in to make it more difficult for the swat team to capture him??????????????????????????????????? No mention is made, however, of the bebe oil being used as a masturbatory aid. Hmmm come to think, no one ever masturbates in this movie lol okay person who wrote this. Okay. Whatevvvvvveeeeerrr you sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. 

SO THIS IS WHEN BENNY MENDY FINALLY SHOWS UP AND I WANTED TO DIE BECAUSE HE IS LIKE IMMEDIATELY ORDERING JACK O'CONNELL AROUND AND I WAS LIKE UGH. I thought it was weird how easily Eric caved to his dad and how quickly scared he'd get. Like, you're supposed to be ~tuff~. It was a little obvious, but also, I guess, true. And it made sense that the one person who could really get to Eric would be his dad. Like, his Achilles heel, I guess. But I did really think it was funny how teenagey he seemed in his presence. Like he's trying so hard to be a thug and then his daddy comes around and he's getting all snivelly - I. DIED. Can we also fucking talk about how Ben Mendelsohn's character is named Neville? STOP. 

I almost didn't take a screenshot of this, but Eric has his teeth latched on this dude's dick for like five minutes straight. It was continuing so long that it was becoming too funny to me so I was like no I need a picture of this lol. But it's like an ~~intense~~ scene, so I was trying to stay in the ~~intensity~~ of the moment and not be weird and take pictures of this and laugh, but I couldn't hold it in ugh. Eric is insane and I don't know how he wasn't immediately put into solitary confinement like what is this how do you work Britain do you think you are Canada orrr. No, why do I keep shading Canada as if I didn't watch Dog Pound and want to kill myself afterward hmmm?? Omg can you imagine Atom Egoyan making some terrible prison movie? There would, 100%, be man-rape, and it'd be the worst man-rape ever to man-rape onscreen. But also it'd be an Atom Egoyan film. What to do what to do. If he casts Ryan Reynolds as a sadistic warden in another vain attempt to get him some Oscar love I will absolutely fucking watch that mess. Please cast a bunch of ambiguous Asian-looking Eskimo types, and like a bunch of Iranian-types with curly hair and they're so delicate and child molesters. Ugh I should be Atom Egoyan, I'd be so much better at it. 

Eric basically beats up the Crazy Eyes of this prison. Come on, fam. Who fucks up Crazy Eyes? Who are you - Vee? Ugh, I wish. Pour one out for Vee, for real. But I liked this^ scene and the shit that follows with Eric stealing gum or whatever from that guy's room and then like hiding in his cell and laughing at the dude going around yelling WHO FUCKED WITH MY SHIT or whatever. Ugh, Jack O'Connell's teeth are my sexual orientation maybe??? So proud of myself for not screenshotting, like, just his teeth and that's it. Plz can I be normal? Plz can someone else out here be making a Jack O'Connell's Tiny Shark Teeth scrapbook so I don't have to??? Like sell that shit on Etsy or whatever and I can buy it. I feel less-worse buying it than actually making it myself? Wait - but, why?????? 

This was when Neville like interrupted the ~~group~~ thing Rupert Friend does with some of the inmates, to tell Eric to behave. I don't know exactly what this group thing is. They call it "class", I think, but there's no like book learning or anything like that. It seems pretty straightforwardly an unofficial group therapy sort of thing. For the guys with anger issues, whom I think Rupert ~sees something~ in. Like, they can be salvaged or whatever. I think this is the first time Eric goes to class and Neville is on his ass to listen and follow instructions and not fuck up. Eric is smoking in class and Rupert is like "no smoking" but Eric keeps smoking so Neville bursts in and gets all in his face and it's super embarrassing for Eric and I think Rupert tells Neville to leave and lol afterwards he's like ^[that face] "Who was that?" It was so funny to me omg. Like Rupert's clenched jaw and O'Connell's sad little embarrassed face ugggggggggggh. I hate this movie please stop existing pleassseeeeekjnrnek. 

Should I talk about Rupert? Too lazy to look up his character's name which I don't remember so I will just call him Rupert omg his actual human name is Rupert. So, like, what was his deal? I couldn't figure him out. Lowkey, but secretly highkey, I thought he was ~~~~~~in love~~~~~~ with Eric. Which is...I don't think anyone involved in the making of this movie was going for that but...remember towards the endish when that Older Will Poulter looking dude pulled Eric out of group and Rupert is all like "I want him!" Yo. That was hella weird, right? The woman director person or whatever was like "You need to control yourself" and I completely laughed. She was like "you're getting too involved" or attached or whatever and it made me side-eye Rupert a lot? But I was, like, the whole film. WHO. THE FUCK. DOES THIS JOB. FOR FREE?????????? HMMMM??????????? Yeah, okay, Rupert's grammy left him some money when she died so I guess he doesn't need a paycheck. BUT WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO VOLUNTEER AT A PRISON WORKING IN THESE HOSTILE ASS CONDITIONS FOR FREE SON WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And seriously, there was something wrong with him, right? He said he was sent away in his youth to boarding school and I assumed for anger problems, similar to the inmates he's trying to "help". Rupert says he felt like he ~belonged~ there working at the prison and it just seems like a really fucked up thing to say and I felt it went beyond him trying to help people who are like how he was when he was younger. Or, maybe he's still a rageaholic and...helping people like him keeps his temper in check?? Like it's his therapy just as much as theirs?? Okay so maybe I worked it out with myself and I'm less suspicious. But "less suspicious" like now I'm at 60% side-eyeing when I was...98? before???? 

This was when Eric was taking a shit.

This is Neville's ~roommate~. Before they showed him I was praying to Allah that he'd be hot. I read some interview thing with Ben Mendelsohn before watching this where he said that his character was maybe supposed to do gay stuff with his bunkmate, so I was really prepared and ready, but I was dreading that they'd bring out some Eddie Marsan-looking type of bridge troll to be Benny Mendy's fuck friend and I was like god, please, no. Like I love Eddie but please no. I was...into his kissing shit in The Disappearance of Alice Creed, but also at the same time maybe I don't ever need to see that again???????????? 

Anyway, this dude is hot, so thank you, movie. Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Muah mwah thank yoooouuuuouoououou merciiiiiiiiiiii

Sooooooooooooo I took like five caps of Neville and his cute ass roommate's fucking ~~passionate embrace~~~. UGH, I WAS SO. EXCITED. I love how every gay thing in movies there's always this manly aggression about it. How is gay sex like not the best sex???? Why can't I be a man just to do gay sex????? It's like tag football but naked? wow that sounds fucking terrible. Also what   have I       fuckking done???? Why do I keep living hmm??????? 

Neville was like roughly gripping his ears stahhhhhp itttt be nice to your boyfriennnnnnndddd

Then Ben Mendelsohn made some like weird little low growly sound GOD HOW FUN THIS SCENE MUST'VE BEEN TO FILM LOL OMGGMGMGMG

Why am I so immature hmm??

It's weird that I don't actually just watch straight-up gay porn. Idk, seems like it might be really gimmicky?? Also, please dude, CLOSED-EYES KISSES ONLY. Or wait - are open eye kisses MORE INTIMATE AND GAY??????????? I want to always do whatever is the creepiest/most awkward, so now I am #TeamEyesOpenedKisses. Turn up.

Wow, I wish I knew how to ~gif~ so I could have a gif of when Eric was in Neville and his boyfriend's bunk and the boyfriend like rubbed Neville's knee AND THEN ERIC'S SUBSEQUENT HORRIFIED/DISGUSTED RESPONSE. uggggggh it was evverryytthhiinngn I evvverrr neeeeeeded. And Neville's little "it's prison" shrug. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 

THIS. WAS WHEN. ERIC ACCUSED RUPERT. OF BEING A PEDO. (PAEDO??). I laughed. And Rupert looked guilty as hell. Also, Eric, you're 19. TOO OLD AND GROSS NOW TO BE MOLESTED LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A SEXY TEN YEAR OLD. :(

This is Hassan and...the African. lol no let me go look his name up. Like Trevor or some shit. Tyrone. Coolcococl. Anyway, they were hot so that's why this^ picture. Especially Hassan, yo. Like, look at that beard ugh helpppeppepe mememee this movie has ruinnnnnneddd my liiiiiiife. Wait but why is this the shittiest screencap I could have taken of them ugh I am seriously useless 

Let's talk about Peter Ferdinando. He's playing like some dude who runs the prison, but he's an inmate???? I wanted to take a screenshot of him earlier on because his look is insane with that slicked-back black hair and this fucking gold chain he's rocking and that facial hair lol just everything. But I refrained because I was trying so hard to be normal omg it was so hard and obviously I 1,000% failed. Here^ Eric sort of walks up while Peter is chatting with one of his associates and they just immediately stop talking and Peter is giving Eric SO MUCH FUCKING SIDE-EYE. It killlllllllllleeddd meee. Peter's character was really interesting/weird/sort of scary and I just sort of lived for him. And maybe I live for Peter now? I've only seen him really in this and Tony but he's been super-intriguing in both so maybe I have a new obsession ugh I already have like a thousand wow why is life so hard jesus why have you forsaken me am I not your child or wait is it God who's everyone's dead beat daddy????????????????? Figures. 

Hassan was making tea here and Eric asks for like a thousand sugars in his and Tyrone gives him that^ look. It was funny ugh

NO.

GOD THIS WAS SO FUCKING CUTE CAN THIS MOVIE SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE.

NO: PART II, FAM. NO: PART II. 

My overall review: THERE'S SOME SHIT IN MY EYE. OR, ALLERGIES???? LYME DISEASE? IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS FUCKING LYME DISEASE. 

:(

Masterpiece of Shit Theater: Episode 2, The Truth About Emanuel/Emanuel and the Truth about Fishes/The New Neighbor??? (2013)

Sigh.

Where...to begin. 

I guess, I'll start with saying I'm a fan of Kaya Scodelario. For why? Because of Skins, I guess. Right? Like I really loved Effy. For any non-horrifying reasons? No, of course not. But she was definitely one of my fave characters from that messy show. Number one was probably Cook, right? Oh my god I have so many problems. But anyway I love Kaya now and I'm making the terrible mistake of following her career. Well, maybe it's not--It hasn't been that terrible in that pretty much the only thing I've seen of hers outside of Skins, besides this mess I'm going to talk about today, is Wuthering Heights, which has become one of my favorite movies. I don't think that being a Kaya fan is going to be that bad. It's not going to be an Amanda Seyfried situation, I don't think. And the piece of shit I'll be discussing in this post is...not that...it's at least an interesting concept? Like, it's a terrible movie, but...it's not terrible in a run of the mill thriller or romance sort of way. I mean, there's a fake dead baby, so. 

Let's begin! So I was saying all that scatterbrainy stuff about Kaya to attempt to explain my initial interest in this movie: Kaya was in it. So I had to watch it. ARE YOU KEEPING UP??! I had no idea what this movie was about, but I figured since it was showcased at Sundance (I think) it at least had to be sort of interesting. Right? UGH. I mean, yes. I do think...they had...some...intriguing elements. I felt the movie had potential, buried very very deep deep deep down. And, I appreciate it. I appreciate the potential and even the effort. However, you've all failed. Everyone involved. No, that's not fair. No, but it's true lol. You failed. Ya blew it. But two Steve McQueen obviously faux-sincere airclaps for trying. 

So Kaya plays some bitch named Emanuel. Apparently "Emaunel" is a boy's name. YEWNEEK. Emanuel has her name tattooed on her arm because...so...if she...gets separated from...something...they know?? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I guess if she winds up drowned or some shit they can identify her body? But bitch, are you forgetting about sharks? Come on. Anyway, Emanuel's mom is dead. And I guess this explains why she's basically Daria?? Why she's doing a really try-hardy impersonation of Daria? But sorry, all you reminded me of was this shitty fucking Hilary Duff vehicle I saw once where she planned to kill herself on her sixteenth birthday or some shit. Like, I swear to god this was basically that same exact movie except no Evan Ross' widow peak in sight. And that's a damn shame. Don't be...worse than a ~Hilary Duff vehicle~, okay?? 

So Emanuel is motherless but I don't know what her fucking problem is because she has Chicken Alfredo Molina as her daddy and Frances O'Connor's super cute ass for a stepmom. Also she has cool clothes and cool French music and a cool job working at a medical supply store where Jimmi Simpson's cute ass 

(i needed an excuse to post)

plays her boss. WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, EMANUEL?? WHY ARE YOU LIKE SUPER CYNICAL AND MOODY WHEN YOUR LIFE IS BASICALLY PERFECT AND DID I EVEN GET AROUND TO MENTIONING CUTE ASS TRAIN BOY??

LOOK AT HIM. THIS IS YOUR BOYFRIEND SORT OF. HE HAS ONE DIRECTION HAIR AND I THINK THE ACTOR MIGHT BE FRENCH??! UH, HELLO! CHEER UP, BITCH!!

But the movie wants to sell me that Emanuel can't get the fuck over herself because her mommy died. UGH, FINE. Enter scene: Jessica Fucking Biel. 

Justin Timberlake's wife plays the new neighbor. Please lets address the fact that when we first see this bitch she is moving in to her new home AT FUCKING NIGHT. I've never moved anywhere lol but...is it common for people to be moving in at night? It just seemed really off and odd right away. But Emanuel, instead of being like, who is this weird ass bitch with the bangs creepin' in to a new house in the middle of the night, is intrigued by Justin Timberlake's wife. BLAH BLAH MOTHER REPLACEMENT BLAH. This bitch has a kid. Emanuel starts babysitting it. 

So, the first time Emanuel goes over to bebesit it's weird because JT's wife doesn't give her any directions or anything. Emanuel asks to see the baby but JT's wife is like "she's sleeping don't want to wake her up blah blah". Emanuel is like "what if she wakes up?". JT's wife is like "baby monitor - you'll be able to hear her if she needs anything". Hmm, do babies talk, bitch? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS WHEN THE BABY WAKES UP AND I HEAR IT CRYING??? JT's wife does not answer this very pertinent question; she dips off to run errands or some shit. LOOK. I knew right away something was up with this bitch and this baby. I decided pretty immediately that Jessica Biel was carrying around a baby corpse. And I was very very annoyed that it seemed this movie was trying to make me think...that the baby was real? Or, you know what, maybe they weren't. Maybe they wanted you to suspect something weird was up, but OH BOY was I so annoyed waiting for them to reveal what the situation was. I feel like it took them longer to reveal it than they actually did, but omg I could not fucking stand to see her walking around with this baby that I thought was obviously very fucking dead. 

Like when JT's wife is FUCKING BREASTFEEDING IT. 

LOOK AT THIS. In the movie it's worse. First of all, the top of the baby's head is sooooo fucking creepy and freakish. Like, the hair. It's all diseased-looking and shit. AND THIS BABY IS FUCKING LIFELESS AND YOU NEVER EVER HEAR IT MAKE ANY NOISE. When I saw her sitting here with this fucking baby I was like NO GOD NO PLZ STOP OH MY FUCKING GOD. I was getting super upset. I can't even remember--I think this was definitely before Emanuel found out what the fuck was actually going on. And what was going on?????

THIS^

^THIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I laughed, I cried. In case you're a fucking idiot, in case you are this movie, that's a goddamn fucking baby doll. A DOLL. And can we please--WHERE DID JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S WIFE GET THIS SHIT? WHERE IN THE FUCK DID SHE EVEN BUY THIS??? The doll is soooooo fucking ugly and gross-looking. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH ITS HAIR? It looks like it has fucking Lyme disease. This fatigued-looking ass fucking doll - I can't. I won't. And the scene when Emanuel discovers it's a doll is so...I don't know. I don't know which word to choose. Is it funny? Creepy? Horrifying? Pleasestop.com/no??? All of the above and then some??? I'll choose funny, looking back on it, because seriously when she's looking at this mess in the crib it's lying prostrate. Prostrate but in a crib. It looks dead and I'm like GOD PLEASE STOP NO because I'm thinking Kaya is nudging a fucking bebe corpse. BUT NO, BECAUSE SHE TURNS THIS SHIT OVER AND IT'S SOME FUCKING OLD TIMEY ABANDONED VICTORIAN CHILD GHOST'S PLAYTHING. ugh, wtf. Why, movie, why???

AND THEN. Jessica Biel walks in on Emanuel discovering that her ~baby~ is some shit she got out of the irregulars bin at Toys"R"Us. But probably likelier one of those shittier toy stores. Does KB Toys still exist? Then that one. When JT's wife walks in on Emanuel being horrified about Jessica Biel's entire existence, she just...acts like nothing's wrong. OH MY GOD I THINK SHE STARTS LIKE CHANGING THE BABY'S DIAPER OR SOME SHIT AND DRESSING IT AND OH MY GOD SHE'S SAYING THINGS LIKE "YOU'RE SO WRIGGLY TODAY" AND ALL THIS CREEPY MESS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD and Kaya is just standing there like 

*SHRUG* (needed an excuse to post, but also basically)

Like Kaya tries to do ~~shock~~. But NO. Doing a half-assed job at feigning horror is never the reaction a situation like this calls for. An example of an appropriate response to an occasion such as this would be, maybe: BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! followed by screaming and running from the house, but not before dousing it in gasoline and SETTING IT ON FUCKING FIRE. But what does Emanuel do? She sort of makes an attempt to leave after JT's wife is like "go get a onesie for this fake dead baby slash actual doll". As Kaya is going towards the stairs to fucking leave, JT's wife is in the nursery yelling "IT'S GETTING CHILLY" or some shit like that. Like, forget the fake baby whose diaper she just seriously changed, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH YELLING AT??!? I would have left just for that alone. But no, Emanuel is a psycho-dummy and she turns away from the stairs and goes to get the monkey onesie or whatever the fuck JT's wife demanded she get. And, can we talk about how JT's wife sort of treats Emanuel like a slave? She's all like PUT THOSE CLOTHES AWAY. Um, she's the babysitter, bitch. Not the maid. AND ARE YOU PAYING HER??? Is Emanuel getting dem fuckin' chex??? Because that is never discussed and there's no way Jessica Biel's crazy ass character is on point with any payments to services she utilizes. I'm still baffled as to how this bitch got a house. SHE'S INSANE. And what is her job????? HOW DOES SHE HAVE MONEY DOLLARS??? 

We'll get to that. (Who's we'll?????????????)

So Emanuel plays along with JT's wife and her delusions because DEAD MOM, that's why. I can't...I don't even want to get into the scenes where Kaya is cradling this fucking doll and she's having ~normal~ conversations with JT's wife. I had a real problem with the fact that Emanuel was super-obsessed with JT's wife. Like, WHY? She was giving me nothing. And no, she was not maternal in any way to Emanuel. She was actually sort of cold and sometimes-rude???? And Emanuel is like YES, THIS IS WHAT MOTHER LOVE FEELS LIKE. Actually, lol, maybe. But basically the movie's explanation for why Emanuel plays along with this mess is so she can stay in Jessica Biel's world and...I don't know...ugh, project her mommy issues onto her??? ugh. Such...problems. And Emanuel is really protective of J Biel and her fucking doll. She doesn't want her parents and her beau or anyone to find out what's going on. PROB CUZ IT'S CRAZY AND YOU NEED HELP. The jig is up eventually, though, when JT's wife goes out on a date with Jimmi Simpson

who wears too-tight shirts like this to real-life work events. Emanuel doesn't want JT's wife to go out with Jimmi. Can we talk about how Jimmi volunteered to babysit her fucking kid before this date? Like, the first day he met Jessica Biel he's like *RAISES HAND* I'LL BABYSIT! No, this literally happened. Everyone in this movie needs to be sectioned. How creepy is it to just volunteer to watch some bitch's kid you don't even know?????? I get it's supposed to come off like: he's super desperate and thinks she's hot and will do anything for her, but for me I'm just getting Woody Allen tease. I can really imagine him making a movie where some stand-in of his (Zach Braff?? Jesse Eisenberg??) is trying to get some single mom (played by either Penelope Cruz or Emma Stone or some shit) to date him and he's like *TOO EAGERLY RAISING HAND* I'LL BABYSIT YOUR KID. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE AROUND TO WITNESS ME DOING ANYTHING. IT. WITNESS ME DOING IT. DON'T BE THERE.

lol so Jessica goes on a d8 with Jimmi. Emanuel babysits. She's like to the kid 

You're talking to a fucking doll. lol this might've happened earlier in the movie, but still. Still what? LEAVE ME ALONE.

Jessica and Jimmi come home from their date, which Jessica sort of prefaced by admitting she'd probably friendzone the shit out of him while abusing him for his babysitting services. WILL NO ONE ADDRESS HOW FUCKING SHITTY LINDA IS AS A HUMAN? Like, let's ignore her fucking psychotic lunacy. Let's push that aside. She's a fucking bitch. She has an attitude and needs to sit down lol. And she needs to do something with that fucking hair. Those bangs are a no-go, sweetie. Get that Münchausen syndrome by proxy coiffure the fuck out of here, b. 

^Look at her hair. Ugh, it's like that the whole movie. AND LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BABY THAT IS ACTUALLY A DOLL OH MY GODDDDD. Can we talk about how Linda probably killed her baby??? Her real-life human one?? WAIT, NO, LET ME GET BACK TO THE DATE WITH JIMMI AND THEN WE'LL GET TO HOW LINDA/JESSICA BIEL/JT'S WIFE PROB KILLED HER ACTUAL HUMAN BABY. 

SO JIMMI AND JESSICA GET BACK FROM THE DATE and Jessica wants Jimmi to see the baby for some reason? Ugh, whatever. Emanuel is like NO, DON'T. SHE'S ASLEEP. And Jessica is like "well then Jimmi will just have to be fucking quiet", but like in a jaunty way, eventho obviously the undertones are: psychotic bitch who will eat your fucking face off if you make a lot of noise and wake up her doll. Emanuel tries to stop Jimmi from going up to see the baby; Jimmi is like "I like your makeup". ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh

They get up to the nursery and Jessica shows Jimmi the "baby". Jimmi's face the entire scene is my everything and I'm soooo pissed I couldn't find any pics of it when I did my lazy-ass google image search of this movie. COME ON, OTHER PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT THIS MESS. Jimmi is all like "so stiff" "so plastic". LOL I FORGET EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS BUT HE'S LIKE COMMENTING ON HOW DOLL-LIKE AND NON-HUMAN THE BABY IS AND IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FUNNY. I guess he thinks J Biel is playing a fucking prank on him or something lol. But then he slowly realizes she's being entirely serious and he picks up the doll like "THIS IS A DOLL. WHERE IS YOUR BABY???" And the way he's holding the baby all floppy-like, jesus christ

I just

So JT's wife ~wakes up~. She's like WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!?! uggh. Jimmi and Jessica start calling for Emanuel who's been sitting on the steps listening to them talk through the baby monitor I think. This sequence culminates with Emanuel craddling the doll while Jimmi and Jessica go call the police or some mess. ughgghggh. Emanuel ends up in the hospital, the police are there like TELL US WHERE THE BABY IS! Emanuel says some crazy shit about how the baby joined her mom in the sea. jesus. Seriously, if they had been unable to contact Linda's husband, Emanuel's dumbass would've ended up in fucking jail. 

Speaking of Linda's husband! So this random white dude shows up to ~explain~ everything. It's very the end of Psycho. Like, did we really need him to come in and mansplain? Couldn't we just infer?? Because he really offered no satisfying explanation. The jist is that he and Linda had a terrible relationship, they decided to try for a band-aid baby. It took them five years to conceive, and by that time the relationship was already over. The baby is born, then shortly after it turns up dead. The dude says the autopsy was "inconclusive" and...I don't understand why the screenwriter would have included that if it weren't significant. When he was telling his story I was assuming he'd say the baby died from SIDS. He goes "Linda found her....". But then follows up with the autopsy was inconclusive thing and that "we'll never know what really happened". UM, WHAT? He's sort of accusing her of killing their baby, right? Like, their relationship wasn't fixed by the baby so Linda is like FUCK THIS and kills their kid, right????? I honestly wish he hadn't even turned up because it does not really fucking explain anything. And it almost maybe makes me hate Linda a little more? And they're trying to make it seem like Linda had a psychotic break when she lost her baby, but...if she fucking killed her kid...she was obviously ALREADY INSANE. oui?? I mean, I don't hate Linda for being insane. I hate her for having shitty fringe. And then you tell me she's a baby killer maybe and I'm just like, If she'd just get a better haircut none of this would even matter. 

Ah, well. 'Tis life.