The Girl Who Had Everything (1953)

Everything? I don't know about all that. First of all, how the fuck old was Jean supposed to be? I assumed over 18, but her age seemed really important for me to know to be able to determine her exact standing in life and put into context how fucked up to very fucked up it was that everyone (mainly her dad + beau) kept trying to tell this bitch what (or whom) she should or should not be doing. Like, it's not as if this bitch was in college or anything to allow me some sort of time frame. If she was anything over the age of nineteen, I'm utterly disgusted. But not surprised because 1953. 

Jean has a dad. She calls him Steve. They seem to have a pretty good relationship I guess. He lets her do whatever, I guess, and he seems to be semi-monied, so Jean prob gets a cute allowance which she obviously uses to buy her super cute dresses to swish about in living her carefree ass upper-middle class richie girl lifestyle. She also has a beau: Vance. He opposes the faux-free reign Jean's dad allows her. When they're married, Vance says, "I will lock this pre-Burton days goddess up in a cage I keep in my basement and almost always have a black tarp covering it so she think it's nighttime forever and stays asleep. Asleep is the number one quality I look for in a potential life partner. And by partner, I mean the exact opposite of that word. 1953." Vance wants to get married right away, but Jean expresses hesitation. She doesn't want to settle down yet, and finds the idea of meal-planning and fucking Gig Young for the rest of her life, boring at best. Gig/Vance is all "Day to day living: that's the real excitement of life" with a straight face. Also, at the end (which we'll (who's we'll??) get to), Jean's daddy reiterates this...sentiment, like, word for word. Quite early on, the movie is attempting to make some sort of point. Which is, I think, stop wanting stuff you don't already have or that is semi-medium easy to extra-difficult to obtain. Or else you'll end up...almost marrying some dude in the mafia???

SPEAKING OF NONSENSICAL SHIT: This movie. But wait, first, let's intro Fernando Lamas. When I read the description for this movie on OnDemand I knew straight away Lamas was playing the client of William Powell's character, who is a criminal attorney. Not because I was familiar with Lamas before this film, because I wasn't really, but because his was the only ethnic-sounding name listed in the cast credits. And by ethnic, I mean not white. At least, not the right white. Vic has a mega accent, and not an okay kind like that weird mid-Atlantic one literally everyone else has. He's Latin. DANGEROUS. You can tell by how fucking high he wears his swim trunks.  

(not from the movie, but basically)

Anyway, Jean sees this swaggy nigga on television being brought up on...gambling charges? HEY, LOOK, I HAD NO IDEA THIS NOT-RICKY RICARDO ASS PIECE OF SHIT WAS IN THE MOB. Seriously, was I supposed to?! The whole time until we got to the scenes in NY I was wondering why the dad was so anti-Vic. The gambling stuff didn't seem all that serious to me. It just came off as a ~cost of doing business~ type scenario. (?????) But, APPARENTLY, the whole time, this Bolivian dungaroo is the head of some notorious crime mob. Like, seriously. And the dad knows! And doesn't say shit to his daughter about it...??????!?! He's just like: GIVE BACK THAT HORSE, YOU SLUT. 

Oh, wait, skipped some shit. So...Jean/Liz thinks Vic/Llamas is a cutie pie banana boat. Llamas, duh, thinks the same of Liz. They fuck. They keep fucking, despite very vague, super passive protests from Jean's dad and that dude she was fucking before Llamas swam up from Not-America directly into her vaginal canal. I wish this was one of those creepy movies where there's unintentionally (or secretly intentionally coughGildacough) some read between the lines incest and/or gay shit type feelings motivating a character's jealousy or disapproval. Like, if I even a little bit shipped Powell + Taylor's characters this movie would've been way more enjoyable. In the slapping scene I got zero creepy daddy-daughter vibes. I blame Powell for looking like the first Dad ever invented, or a cartoon of a human man who is also a rodent (take your pick), and also I blame weak sauce acting/writing. Everything was detached as fuck and almost pointless in execution. Why did you bother with this and why was Llamas the best part despite being all over the place and annoying me with his stupid face? Pre-Burton Liz is really beautiful, but so not my cup of tea, acting-wise. Give me bloated, braying Liz any day. Actually, she's pretty good in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Butterfield 8, but I still love fat Liz the best. Early 1950s Liz? No bueno. 

Where was I? This ~review~ is a mess, like my life and inside of my head and soul, but so is this movie, so...apropos. (Get help). Liz and Llamas are about to get married when Llamas' gang friends get word that Powell plans to expose all their thug-ass secrets. Llamas' plan to shut Powell up is to marry Liz immediately. The gang's plan is to murder his dumb ass. I really liked that shot with his dumb dead body in the car (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!) and the traffic light thing says GO with the cars behind Llamas' car honking their horns like MOOOOOVE, DAMN! It was cliche or whatever, but whatever. I'll take what I can get. Anyway, at the end Powell + Taylor give awkward press interviews about Tony Soprano meets Gus Fring's assassination. Taylor acts really hard/bad at feigning semi-despondency about her former fiance's current dead ass state. She makes some weird comment like, "Growing up isn't easy, is it?" YEAH, I yelled at the TV, EX-MAFIA MEMBER/FIANCE MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD: GROWING PAINS. Yes, I yell at the TV. No, the people inside it can't hear me. Yes, I have to remind myself of this often. No, I don't like fucking fruit in my yogurt. It's disgusting - stop it. Also at the end, as I said earlier, Powell's character reiterates the line Gig Young said about how daily routine is what living is all about. Which is extremely depressing. But, also, is that this movie's message? Why go about illustrating it in this way? It's so extreme to have it end in a drive-by mafia hit. Are you trying to super-scare all the regular people at home watching into complacency? Oh, boy, best not stray too far from the path oft traveled less I meet some "mongrel" like Llamas and...well, nothing will happen to me, directly, but my exotic boytoy will def get murdered. Which, I don't know, doesn't really sound all that bad now that I think about it. Elizabeth Taylor seems fine. I'll just get another Latin Lover. This time he will be Cuban. Or, dare I say it, Mexican. However, I will not be able to tell the difference. (-imagined thought process of audience members from 1953-2014)

Closing note on this mess: I definitely felt like people hated Llamas because he was foreign. Powell's character def called him a mongrel, like for real, to his face. He said some other shit, too, that seemed a little...anti-Latin swag. But then they revealed Llamas was in the mob and I had to roll my eyes at the movie attempting to override their previous racism while coming off more racist in the process. Good job; just kidding. I don't think I actually understand what the fuck the purpose of a closing note is, but it almost certainly wasn't this. Like, did I just posit a legitimate topic of concern, that could have had a full-length essay written about it, in like two sentences at the end of a long ass ramblethon full of nothingness??? Good job just kidding part deux. Part dos for any of you mongrels reading. 

The Wolf of Wall Street: (a review nobody asked for)

This is what the real Jordan Belfort looks like. He looks EXACTLY like I imagine someone like him to look. Leo, on the other hand, does not. 

Leo looks like he's still constipated from playing Howard Hughes in The Aviator or Hoover in J.Edgar and is planning on carrying that constipation over to a Frank Sinatra biopic. A lot of times, Leo's appearance is distracting to me. I'll ignore The Great Gatsby, because Leo's aging baby bloat was the least of that thing's problem. 

But anyway, Leo always looks like...himself. Like Leo. It's a super particular, potato-esque look. It never ever totally works anywhere. Maybe in Revolutionary Road. I don't know what that says about him, or me. But I really needed to get Leo's awkward appearance thing out of the way. He just doesn't look like I imagine a Jordan Belfort-type to look. 

BUT I'LL GET OVER IT. Eventually. Transitioning from talking about Leo's awkward face, I think the look of the movie was...a good one. I liked the coloring, I believe it worked well with the tone. Sort of this high-camp, quaaludes loaded comedy thing. I want to call it a dark comedy, but I don't think it's dark at all. Barring some scenes near the end, the movie plays as a comedy. I think if you take it as anything else, you'll be really disappointed. 

There's no real story, just scenes. Jordan has aspirations. He's got the snake oil salesmen version of a green thumb. He starts his own business selling penny copy, and is immediately successful. It's made clear that this shit isn't really legal. I know all my illegal wall street-stuff info from the film Boiler Room which, if you're looking for a drama about the rise and fall of stock broker types, I recommend. Anyway, selling people stock to businesses that aren't real or whatever is illegal. I don't know if that's exactly what was going on in this movie, but I'm sure it was something similar. Blah blah this just means I tuned out any explainy shit about what Belfort and co. were up to. 

The majority of the movie is about Jordan and his crew getting into ~wild and crazy ~ shenanigans. You can tell that the creative team behind this movie really thinks they were doing some shocking, WILD AND CRAZY STUFF. Eh. Like, I can definitely tell they thought the various sex scenes were super risque. Like, there's a scene where Jordan and some other dude double team a woman from their office. But it's filmed in dark light and everyone has their clothes on. WILD AND CRAZY!

I liked the movie for random, weird things. Maybe I'll list those. I think this will help me to ultimately figure out how I feel about the film as a whole.

Okay, 1: Jonah Hill.

Everything about his character. I was a little bored watching the beginning, but once his character came on the screen I perked up. 

^This is the scene where he first comes in. His character (Donnie) and Jordan live in the same apartment building. I think Jordan lives on the 12th floor which probably signifies that he has more wealth than Donnie who lives on the fourth floor. Donnie asks Jordan how much he makes. Instead of being like "um, wtf, go away" Jordan is like I MADE SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS LAST MONTH. He doesn't shout it in caps, but he might as well have. He tried to play it off like it was no big thang but lol Jordan or Dicap's acting. Anyway, Donnie immediately quits his job and says he'll work for Jordan now. It's a great scene in my opinion. And Jonah is hilarious. Also, those teeth.

Another scene I really loved was when Jordan mentions that there have been rumors going around that Donnie married his cousin. Just, everything Jonah says in response is gold. Also, I am going to assume that a lot of this scene was improvised. Which, cool. Always cool to hear lol. Except in the case of End of Watch, where there should have been no improvising. They should have stuck to a tight script with that one. BUT THAT'S FOR ANOTHER TIME. 

2: Spike Jonze's random cameo. I had no idea that was Spike Jonze until today when I saw a headline on Vulture about it or something. I remember thinking while watching: "who is this high-voiced man?" Spike Jonze, apparently. How did I not notice it was him? I was obsessed with him for a solid at least thirty seconds back when Where the Wild Things Are had come out and there were all these photos on the net of him taking cute couple pictures with Max Records. HOW IS SPIKE JONZE'S FACE NOT BURNED IN MY RETINAS FROM THAT TIME?! Anyway, his cameo here was funny and I liked it. Thank you. 

hmmmm, why am I having a super hard time coming up with shit I liked? Did I even like this film? Should I just end this so I can write up a review for American Hustle and spend the whole thing verbally masturbating about Amy Adams everything???

I need to watch this movie again. I left the theater thinking: Yeah, I liked that. BUT WHY? I don't know...it was funny? Sort of. Mostly. I was into a lot of the actors and also the costuming. A random woman's head is shaved and I wondered how much that actress got paid and how they found someone willing to get their head shaved. Or, maybe, CGI???

Oh. The quaaludes scene (^) was pretty funny but it was also hyped up too much. I spent the whole movie waiting for the scene I read about that was THE CRAZIEST THING. It was alright. I laughed. But, like, I'd rather watch the "Everytime" sequence from Spring Breakers. Way funnier and something that deserves the hype. Also, Alien. omg...do I love Spring Breakers more than this movie? 

Yes.

That is my decision. 

Spring Breakers > The Wolf of Wall Street

It is a dark day. 

Also, I really wish I could decide my feelings on DiConstipated. Do I think he's good or not? He tries really hard, which I always appreciate. Like, sometimes, oftentimes actually, I'll be watching a male actor on screen and it's so flat and lifeless and I am like: "does this dude just act to make money to support his christian rock band or some shit? DANG!" 

I think there are two types of man actors: dudes who go all-in and Australianamericans. I find that Australian and American male actors often struggle to...act good. This is not to say all of them. There are definitely good actors from both nations. Is Oscar Isaac American? Because he's great. Ezra Miller is American, right? PERFECTION. And I think Dane DeHaan is American - also really good. Ben Mendelsohn is Australian and he is my everything. But...to be honest, those are exceptions. I like that Leo is really trying to get it all out there. Um, but maybe, he should take a break??? Idk. Isn't he around Fassbender's and Tom Hardy's age? They are so much better than him. Tom Hardy would've murdered this role, imo. There's just something always...off about Leo. Probably the best Leo performance is Revolutionary Road and even in that movie he looks like a baby walking around in his dead dad's old suit. Also, yelling does not equal acting. He yells good, though. God idk how I feel about him. OH! I actually thought he was legit good in J.Edgar. That movie was dead on arrival (and hdu waste Naomi Watts like that) but he convinced me as J.Edgar. I also liked Leo's Calvin Candie, but compared to Christoph Waltz it was child's play. Like, literally a child overacting in a play. 

I think I will give Leo more time. But, is that fair to other actors who are really good from jumpstreet but never get any respect (cough Sam Rockwell cough)?? Not that I think Leo should say to himself "Hey, other actors are better than me. Maybe I should sit down for a bit?" Actually, I do sort of think he should say that to himself. 

Probably he should have taken a seat back when he filmed Gangs of New York with the goddess Daniel Day-Lewis. How did Leo not kill himself after that experience?

lol did I just work out with myself that maybe I dislike him?

oh god

this is a game changer.

But not really. 

The Wolf of Wall Street was fine. Funny in parts. There was cool stuff to look at. Shea Whigham was wasted but at least he was there. I'm not sure how I feel about this movie being an awards contender, but, shit. War Horse was definitely nominated for an Oscar for some reason. Fucking Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close; Gwyneth Paltrow has a statue. Awards don't mean shit. BUT I SO WISH THEY DID AND THAT I DECIDED WHO WINS. Ugh. I should probably end this "review".

Can Jean Dujardin please start to be put as the lead in American vehicles please? And no, I don't mean The Monuments Men. Spare me, Clooney.