The Revenant (2015)

Hmm so Leo's pie-faced ass won the Best Actor Oscar for this and it's like..."I guess." I was never here for the GIVE LEO HIS OSCAR campaign. There are so many other actory niggas deserving of that award who...haven't even been nominated. Sam Rockwell being one of the main ones for me. Like I love him so much but clearly The Academy does not? I guess his ass don't be suckin the right dicks. Like I am almost 73% certain Sam Rockwell sux dix, it's just OBVIOUS it's not the correct ones. He probably only sucks the pretty dicks, but I doubt anyone of importance possesses a pretty dick. Pretty much every important nigga is ugly. That's just how it works. They trade beauty for power. Which, yikes. I'd rather have Sam Rockwell wanna suck my d, than be like, Harvey Weinstein, ya feel me?? 

I'm sure you do!!! You know who else deserves an Oscar over Leo? DID YOU ANSWER TOM HARDY?! If not, leave this blog. I don't want you here if you said, like, Mark Rylance. MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT AND ANYWAY HE ALREADY HAS AN OSCAR SO WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. Omg I was so heated when Tommy didn't win in his category. I aint even see Bridge of Spies, but wowww that movie looks dry as fuck???? And TOM HARDY IS TOM HARDY AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD? HOW THE FUCK LEO GOT AN OSCAR BEFORE ONE OF THE BEST ACTORS OF HIS GENERATION??? The fuck? But you know who had one of the best performances of the year? Abraham Atta from Beasts of No Nation. And what was that boy, like, ten?? Come on. But you givin' Leo's grown ass Oscars for sleeping in a horse and fighting a CGI bear? Like, it wasn't even a real bear?? AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE CLIP THEY PLAYED FOR HIM AT THE OSCARS WAS HIM SPEAKING IN NATIVE TONGUE AND YOU COULD LIKE TELL WHOEVER CHOSE THAT CLIP WAS LIKE "Oooh look at him speaking in non-white. Give him ALL the awards. Or at least let's not nominate Abraham for a way better performance :). Also let's completely ignore Sam Rockwell forever because he won't suck our dix :')) Sam Rockwell totally carried Moon all by himself but who caressss :)) Also Tom Hardy totally carried The Revenant and also that bear but let's nommy Leo who like, barely spoke??? :')))))" 

I will never stop tryna drag Leo because I think he's lame and he smokes e-cigs. He wears like bootcut jeans with those weird newsboy caps. And I'm pretty sure he smashed Rihanna but like desperately wants people not to know? WTF. He's trash and like not even remotely close to Daniel Day-Lewis' level, or even like, Rami Malek's. A TV actor. (No shade I love Rami lol) Leo aint out here stuntin on hoes like people try to act. He's...goodish. And I like watching his round face say things in movies. And he actually almost brought the house down in Revolutionary Road. But he aint THE BEST. Imma need yall to chillllllll. 

But I actually maybe loved this movie! lol. I love to complain like omg. Im sittin here writing three poorly-worded paragraphs tryna come for Leonardo's neck when I actually enjoyed the film and he did a pretty good job? I just have VERY high standards. For everyone else, not for myself peep the blog :') But yeah, this movie was lit. Being a ~movie buff~, I watch SO MUCH SHIT. I am verrrrry immune to a lot at this point. Watching movies has been my job for a solid...ten years now. I mean, not my job like I'm actually getting paid (ugh i wish kill me), but for me, it's a serious hobby. And everyone with a serious hobby know that shit basically means: nonpaying ass fulltime fucking job. I'm...so tired. 

So I love when I watch something that is different. I get very excited. This was a tough movie, though. It was...is dense the word? Mmm idk. But it's one of those movies where you go to the theater and leave with red eyes and a fucking headache. I love those movies but I am so tired of living so it's just...you know, tough. And sometimes these tiring ass movies aren't even good. But The Revenant was. I liked that the ~roughness~ of the movie came in the form of like...a long ass bear attack and Fitzgerald's racist, horrible, demonic ass. Also, there was mad terrifying action? Like when Leo went over that cliff with the horseWTHAT THE FUCCKKKK. I was mad tired, but extremely entertained. That bear attack, though. That bear attack, like, seeing it in the trailers, that's the main thing I wanted to see. Even more than my baby girl Tom. I am...obsessed with bear attacks. That should be included in ratings. This movie includes: sex, profanity, wild partying, bear attacks. Sex, profanity, wild partying? Girl who cares. Wait. DID YOU SAY BEAR ATTACKS? I will watch, and be subsequently horrified, by any shit with bear attacks. It fills me with pleasure. I don't want to be like this, but it is how I am. I feel like that's like...the child molester's anthem.

Anyway enough about the Woody Allens of the world. LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT BEAR ATTACK!!

I actually almost hate this now-iconic scene because people kept making jokes about it? And none of them were funny??? Remember when they panned to that bear at the Oscars and then the camera went to Leo and he was like

Just, enough. But people gettin' hype over the scene was much-warranted. Like, IT WAS LIT!! THAT BEAR ATTACK WAS MAD EXTENSIVE LOL OMG. When the bear went away after the first attack I was like...I AM SO TIRED OMG. Like I was squirming and cringing in my seat while he was gnawing on Leo and when it went away I just breathed a sigh of relief like okaayyy that's over and now everything is fine. BUT I SHOULDA KNOWN BECAUSE LEO WAS BARELY DEAD AT THAT POINT. Omg WHYYY DID HIS DUMB ASS SHOOT AT THE BEAR. That's what yo ass get!!! You wanna shoot at niggas and NOT expect they gon eat yo ass? GIRL, OKAY!! Omg when that bear was thrashing Leo around. Whewww that shit was funny. But also it made me wonder if this is what happened to the Grizzly Man and his girlfriend. BUT I WOULDN'T KNOW BECAUSE BITCH ASS WERNER HERZOG KEPT THE AUDIO. Punk ass!! Why......................am I so salty Werner aint play that audio? What is my...problem??? 

So the bear attack was lit. Leo wasn't dead enough for me, tho, ngl. And then when they were ~burying him alive~........they barely threw dirt on him? I feel like the trailers implied he was gonna be bustin' through a grave??? So I was salty about that. He basically just had to brush some dirt crumbs away??? And he wasn't even dead? That's not exactly a revival, Alejandro Iñárritu. Like, girl you tried it!! 

I was sad Leo's baby got killed, tho? :((( I wasn't here for that??? AND I WAS NOT HERE FOR FITZGERALD'S CRUSTY ASS BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WAS???? Was it because he was played by Tom Hardy and his toof? Like this nigga was strutin' around being mad annoying with these little scraps of hair and it was just like..."this nigga...". But I lowkey loved him. He was mad entertaining and, inappropriately?, the comic relief? But it's like we needed comic relief from...mainly grief caused by him? What a total Gemini. Like, if Fitzgerald is not a Gemini I'd be really surprised but he might be a Cancer. I'd buy that as well. Anyway, where is Tom Hardy's Oscar? Do you think this is a joke? JAKE GYLLENHAAL SHOULDA BEEN NOMINATED FOR NIGHTCRAWLER YALL ARE REALLY PLAYING GAMES!!! 

The Wolf of Wall Street: (a review nobody asked for)

This is what the real Jordan Belfort looks like. He looks EXACTLY like I imagine someone like him to look. Leo, on the other hand, does not. 

Leo looks like he's still constipated from playing Howard Hughes in The Aviator or Hoover in J.Edgar and is planning on carrying that constipation over to a Frank Sinatra biopic. A lot of times, Leo's appearance is distracting to me. I'll ignore The Great Gatsby, because Leo's aging baby bloat was the least of that thing's problem. 

But anyway, Leo always looks like...himself. Like Leo. It's a super particular, potato-esque look. It never ever totally works anywhere. Maybe in Revolutionary Road. I don't know what that says about him, or me. But I really needed to get Leo's awkward appearance thing out of the way. He just doesn't look like I imagine a Jordan Belfort-type to look. 

BUT I'LL GET OVER IT. Eventually. Transitioning from talking about Leo's awkward face, I think the look of the movie was...a good one. I liked the coloring, I believe it worked well with the tone. Sort of this high-camp, quaaludes loaded comedy thing. I want to call it a dark comedy, but I don't think it's dark at all. Barring some scenes near the end, the movie plays as a comedy. I think if you take it as anything else, you'll be really disappointed. 

There's no real story, just scenes. Jordan has aspirations. He's got the snake oil salesmen version of a green thumb. He starts his own business selling penny copy, and is immediately successful. It's made clear that this shit isn't really legal. I know all my illegal wall street-stuff info from the film Boiler Room which, if you're looking for a drama about the rise and fall of stock broker types, I recommend. Anyway, selling people stock to businesses that aren't real or whatever is illegal. I don't know if that's exactly what was going on in this movie, but I'm sure it was something similar. Blah blah this just means I tuned out any explainy shit about what Belfort and co. were up to. 

The majority of the movie is about Jordan and his crew getting into ~wild and crazy ~ shenanigans. You can tell that the creative team behind this movie really thinks they were doing some shocking, WILD AND CRAZY STUFF. Eh. Like, I can definitely tell they thought the various sex scenes were super risque. Like, there's a scene where Jordan and some other dude double team a woman from their office. But it's filmed in dark light and everyone has their clothes on. WILD AND CRAZY!

I liked the movie for random, weird things. Maybe I'll list those. I think this will help me to ultimately figure out how I feel about the film as a whole.

Okay, 1: Jonah Hill.

Everything about his character. I was a little bored watching the beginning, but once his character came on the screen I perked up. 

^This is the scene where he first comes in. His character (Donnie) and Jordan live in the same apartment building. I think Jordan lives on the 12th floor which probably signifies that he has more wealth than Donnie who lives on the fourth floor. Donnie asks Jordan how much he makes. Instead of being like "um, wtf, go away" Jordan is like I MADE SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS LAST MONTH. He doesn't shout it in caps, but he might as well have. He tried to play it off like it was no big thang but lol Jordan or Dicap's acting. Anyway, Donnie immediately quits his job and says he'll work for Jordan now. It's a great scene in my opinion. And Jonah is hilarious. Also, those teeth.

Another scene I really loved was when Jordan mentions that there have been rumors going around that Donnie married his cousin. Just, everything Jonah says in response is gold. Also, I am going to assume that a lot of this scene was improvised. Which, cool. Always cool to hear lol. Except in the case of End of Watch, where there should have been no improvising. They should have stuck to a tight script with that one. BUT THAT'S FOR ANOTHER TIME. 

2: Spike Jonze's random cameo. I had no idea that was Spike Jonze until today when I saw a headline on Vulture about it or something. I remember thinking while watching: "who is this high-voiced man?" Spike Jonze, apparently. How did I not notice it was him? I was obsessed with him for a solid at least thirty seconds back when Where the Wild Things Are had come out and there were all these photos on the net of him taking cute couple pictures with Max Records. HOW IS SPIKE JONZE'S FACE NOT BURNED IN MY RETINAS FROM THAT TIME?! Anyway, his cameo here was funny and I liked it. Thank you. 

hmmmm, why am I having a super hard time coming up with shit I liked? Did I even like this film? Should I just end this so I can write up a review for American Hustle and spend the whole thing verbally masturbating about Amy Adams everything???

I need to watch this movie again. I left the theater thinking: Yeah, I liked that. BUT WHY? I don't know...it was funny? Sort of. Mostly. I was into a lot of the actors and also the costuming. A random woman's head is shaved and I wondered how much that actress got paid and how they found someone willing to get their head shaved. Or, maybe, CGI???

Oh. The quaaludes scene (^) was pretty funny but it was also hyped up too much. I spent the whole movie waiting for the scene I read about that was THE CRAZIEST THING. It was alright. I laughed. But, like, I'd rather watch the "Everytime" sequence from Spring Breakers. Way funnier and something that deserves the hype. Also, Alien. omg...do I love Spring Breakers more than this movie? 

Yes.

That is my decision. 

Spring Breakers > The Wolf of Wall Street

It is a dark day. 

Also, I really wish I could decide my feelings on DiConstipated. Do I think he's good or not? He tries really hard, which I always appreciate. Like, sometimes, oftentimes actually, I'll be watching a male actor on screen and it's so flat and lifeless and I am like: "does this dude just act to make money to support his christian rock band or some shit? DANG!" 

I think there are two types of man actors: dudes who go all-in and Australianamericans. I find that Australian and American male actors often struggle to...act good. This is not to say all of them. There are definitely good actors from both nations. Is Oscar Isaac American? Because he's great. Ezra Miller is American, right? PERFECTION. And I think Dane DeHaan is American - also really good. Ben Mendelsohn is Australian and he is my everything. But...to be honest, those are exceptions. I like that Leo is really trying to get it all out there. Um, but maybe, he should take a break??? Idk. Isn't he around Fassbender's and Tom Hardy's age? They are so much better than him. Tom Hardy would've murdered this role, imo. There's just something always...off about Leo. Probably the best Leo performance is Revolutionary Road and even in that movie he looks like a baby walking around in his dead dad's old suit. Also, yelling does not equal acting. He yells good, though. God idk how I feel about him. OH! I actually thought he was legit good in J.Edgar. That movie was dead on arrival (and hdu waste Naomi Watts like that) but he convinced me as J.Edgar. I also liked Leo's Calvin Candie, but compared to Christoph Waltz it was child's play. Like, literally a child overacting in a play. 

I think I will give Leo more time. But, is that fair to other actors who are really good from jumpstreet but never get any respect (cough Sam Rockwell cough)?? Not that I think Leo should say to himself "Hey, other actors are better than me. Maybe I should sit down for a bit?" Actually, I do sort of think he should say that to himself. 

Probably he should have taken a seat back when he filmed Gangs of New York with the goddess Daniel Day-Lewis. How did Leo not kill himself after that experience?

lol did I just work out with myself that maybe I dislike him?

oh god

this is a game changer.

But not really. 

The Wolf of Wall Street was fine. Funny in parts. There was cool stuff to look at. Shea Whigham was wasted but at least he was there. I'm not sure how I feel about this movie being an awards contender, but, shit. War Horse was definitely nominated for an Oscar for some reason. Fucking Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close; Gwyneth Paltrow has a statue. Awards don't mean shit. BUT I SO WISH THEY DID AND THAT I DECIDED WHO WINS. Ugh. I should probably end this "review".

Can Jean Dujardin please start to be put as the lead in American vehicles please? And no, I don't mean The Monuments Men. Spare me, Clooney.