Shameless season 5, thus far

So how many episodes deep into the season are we? Four, right? And then tonight is five. Yeah, I definitely want to write about what's happened so far before tonight's episode. I want to ~speculate~ because I feel like everything has been set up and now we wait for, like, the usual fall out.

Okay, so, obviously: Fiona. She married that dude. With the fucking beard and guitar and writing music for fucking, idk, app games??? OKAY. Wait before I even get into talking about how fucking disastrous this marriage will turn out: DID ANYONE ELSE SUSPECT THIS DUDE WAS A STRAIGHT-UP MURDERER? He seriously was giving me the creeps. Like when Fiona went to his apartment that first time, I was very Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost. NEVER MAKE ME BE WHOOPI GOLDBERG IN GHOST, SHAMELESS. But he didn't end up murdering her or forcing her to watch him take a shit, so...I don't know what kind of vibes I was getting. Or maybe...MAYBE HE WAS JUST BIDING HIS TIME. He's gotten this reckless bitch to marry him, and now he will pounce. OH GOD IF THEY PULL OUT THEIR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CARD I WILL BE SOOOOOOO HAPPY!! Sad for Fiona, but happy because domestic violence is like in my top 3 for stories!! 1 is incest, 2 is...SIDS and 3 is domestic motherfucking violence! violence!! Wow, this...what am I doing? Anyway, that dude is not going to start beating Fiona. What's going to happen is...what usually happens. Fionay shit. I mean, we already got that ending where she's having the realization she made a huge mistake. But I'm wondering if both of them will try to force it, like...be unwilling to acknowledge they fucked up. That would be interesting to watch. And then, of course, Jimmy will show up. Right? Like, they're doing that, right? That's what that Asian woman stalking Fiona at her job is about, right? IF IT'S NOT I'M GOING TO BE ANNOYED. I hate this show for forever dangling that Jimmy carrot, and I hate myself for being one of those crazed Jimmy fans. Wait, no, I'm not crazed. But I feel like the creators get annoyed with people who are like: WHERE DA FUCK JIMMY AT?? And their annoyance lends Jimmy "fans" a serious borderline-psychotic label. Like, this show is about The Gallaghers. WHATEVER, SHAMELESS CREATORS. I mean, you love Mickey so fucking much. Why aren't we allowed to really love/hate Jimmy/Steve???! ugh!

Lip. My fave. Don't know what they're...trying to do. I was thinking they were trying to show how...Lip doesn't fit in with his neighborhood anymore, but he also doesn't fit in with Amanda's people. But then they had him bonding with Amanda's dad over his engineer project car thing... I'll just wait. I feel like Lip is in an awkward stage this season because he's not in school. So they're like, how do we keep going with this Bad Will Hunting storyline off-campus? I mean, I think thus far they're doing a good-ish job. The shit with him working at the construction site reminded me of Ben Affleck's ~big speech~ in Good Will where he tells Matt Damon to stop being a loser or whatever. Except no one tells Lip that. But his body hurts really bad and he gets a lot of blisters??? And he totally quits to go hang with Amanda. But is...is Amanda supposed to be his Minnie Driver? lol because no. No but are we supposed to be legitimately shipping them?? I can't tell, but I don't want to! I mean, ugh, she's better than Mandy. Who, by the way, please be gone forever uggggh

Ian & Mickey, because they go hand in hand now at this point, right? But also, they always have??? I just read an interview with the two actors who play them and I was horrified and embarrassed and felt uncomfortable but also I got really excited about what's going to happen with them. Obviously Mickey will have to face reality and acknowledge that Ian is sick, and in the interview I read they say how Mickey is helpless and doesn't know what to do and that this is a new thing for him, being unable to help people he ~loves~. But it's like, where was all this strife when Mandy was getting her face rearranged by BLACK BOYFRIEND?? lol, okay, I'll ignore that because no one gives a fuck about Mandy. I swear to god the next time she turns up it'll be like a shot of a newspaper: Girl Found in Ditch. In...Kentucky or Missouri or wherever the fuck she moved. And then whoever is reading the paper will shrug. Like, we'll get an over the shoulder shot of shrugging. I hope it's Lip's shoulders. But I'm excited for how Ian and Mickey's relationship progresses, or...what's the opposite of progress?? Recess?? Wait, no. Wow my head dictionary is shit. No but recess works, right? Recesses? Ugh now I'm thinking about Spinelli. She was a lesbian, right? LIKE SHE WAS A LESBIAN, RIGHT?? 

Debbie. SIGH. So she finally swiped her v card (STOP!!!!!!). And she, like, raped her virginity away. Apparently. That dude she fucked (raped)...I don't care if it was rape. He was weird for hanging out with a fucking thirteen year old goddamn girl. That's what you fucking get - NEXT!!!! Lip was all "that dude is weird, I don't think you should be hanging out with him" when Debbie told him that he accused her of rape and I was like YESS!!!! lol, ugh, what a loser. I really hope we don't have to deal with his doofy gööber face anymore. Like, do you deliver pizzas? Are you a 33 year old Latina boy??? Come on, son!!! But I'm really excited for this season Debbie. I'm...horrified that she is no longer a virgin, but I don't know. Ugh. Do what you want. Even if you're barely out of kid-age. And Debbie seems...I don't know, not...traumatized. She really wanted to lose her virginity and she did and mission accomplished yay!! Yay??? No, yay. Totally...yay. And can we talk about her cute ass new haircut, or her punching that blonde bitch in the face UGH, I LIVE!!! So I'm excited. I'm excited to be less worried for her well-being than last season. But we'll see. Also I'm excited for this new potential kick-boxing boo of hers. LIKE, LET'S DO THIS!! No. These are children. oh goddddddddddddddd

Carlos. I love Carl. Also he's like twelve years old and it's one of those situations where I feel sad about it. And then I have to feel creepy - deservedly so - about my sadness. It's wonderful!! Anyway, I'm worried about Carl being a drug dealer. I don't want any Carl in Jail scenes. ACTUALLY, NO, CHANGED MY MIND, I FUCKING ABSOLUTELY NEED THAT IN MY LIFE. Like, if there was just an Oz Jr. type spin-off with Carl OMG MY GODDDD PLEASE GIVE ME THISSSSSSSSSSS ARE YOU KIDDDDINGMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. But if Carlos doesn't go to jail I'm excited to see whatever horribleness he will get into selling drugs. Also, will he accidentally become good at maths?? lol, no, that's...that's not even remotely what they're doing here lol. BUT NICE TRY, ME!! Sort of want to see Carl being kingpinnish, though?? Want to see Carl ballin'. Want to see him in like tracksuits and heavy gold chains weighing his dainty ass neck down. Need it! Please, let's go, Shameless. If you're not giving me Carl getting sodomized into a loving relationship by his ambiguously blasian bunkmate in juvie, at least give me Carl walking around in tracksuits and fresh ass kicks rocking gold chains and getting robbed by Soulja Boy or whatever. PLEASE!

Who are the other ones? Oh, right, Frank. Do I want to talk about Kev and V first? Maybe. I don't want them to break-up. But I love how they're giving me that ~mom detached~ from her babies storyline. Anytime I see this in movies/TV I get excited. I don't know why. Maybe because it's not...the common narrative? lol but I've seen this a lot and I feel like people talk about this shit all the time so...it totally is??? Anyway, I'm excited about V not being excited about her kids. And vagueishly cheating on Kevin. Also I'm excited Kevin's hair is gone, but...I don't know about this nearly-bald shit. Steve Howey is a weird-looking dude. Like Frankenstein but...a cartoon? And sort of...cute. ish. I don't know. REMEMBER WHEN HE WAS ON REBA? REMEMBER REBA? I can't believe that show existed. And for like forever. And that I watched many many episodes of it. And also, there was like a random Hispanic kid? Wasn't that son like Mexican?? Reba was a fucked up show, man

And then Frank. Let's talk about how Sheila is finally gone. FOREVER, RIGHT? I was starting to hate her for her treatment of...what the fuck is Frank's daughter's name lol omg. Is it Sammy? Or is that her fat kid's name? ANYWAY, DOESN'T MATTER. lol she doesn't matter. No, but I like her. And I wasn't here for Sheila treating her like garbage even though she's totally super annoying and her bleach job makes my teeth itch. So, Sheila's gone. Frank is homeless, non? Due to blowing up Sheila's house and for being a tragic, horrible person in general who doesn't deserve to live anywhere?? But Frank is Frank. He'll figure some shit out. And omg @ him blowing all that money. But hilarious most of it went to help out a bunch of limbless kids. But omg @ him, like, trying to take one of their legs away to sell on the black market?? Frank is seriously irredeemable. Sometimes I get mad that he, like, exists, but then I just remind myself it's sort of awesome to have a character this reprehensible on TV. And now I need a multi-camera comedy detailing Hitler's first year in "office". Has this already been done? I NEED IT. No, omg, I need an Auschwitz comedy. Like, in the camps. No...what...what am I actually fucking doing. 

Shameless S4 E1

Shameless is baaaaaaaaaaaack!

So much to talk about. Maybe, we'll see. I'll do a character breakdown.

Fiona: So, she's with her boss. I'll call him White cuz he's Caucasian as heck. DOESSSSS Fiona actually like this man? Or, is she sort of...just trying to get as far away from a Jimmy-type as possible? She seems almost detached from this whole thing. But, then after they had sex at his house she looked around and smiled when I thought she'd do a faraway "I'm thinking about Jimmy" look. Maybe...she was just souped to be in his upper middle class digs? Idk. I'll wait to see more of this before I start jumping to negative conclusions. But I am not here for this new beau. I was always Team Jimmy I don't care what his real fucking name is or what he did, I loved him you can definitely suck my penis. Actually, I'm secretly always Team Fiona and Lip 4ever. But probably they will never happen. This isn't The fucking Borgias. Sadly. (Only a little bit sadly because The Borgias was a fucking mess). 

Okay, let me jump over to Debbie real quick because they were definitely paralleling her with Fiona a couple of times in the episode with the morning beauty routine and then later with the texting of their beaus. So, Debbie thinks she's grown. This is a mostly accurate representation of THIRTEEN. Not for all thirteen year old girls, as I have unfortunately not had the pleasure to meet all of them, but definitely a huge chunk. She's become a ~sexual person~ and stuff. When I see stuff like this I try really hard to remember when I was thirteen. I was forever talking about blow jobs, though I'd die if I actually had to do one. To see Debbie flirting with this dude who has a car I'm just like GOD, NO, SHE'S A BABY. She's not really, but it's hard to watch. I'm really afraid they're going to have her losing her virginity this season and it's going to be a heartbreaking mess. But we'll see. Uggggggggh

Carl: It's weird how Debbie and Carl are only like a year apart. It totally illustrates that girls mature faster than boys narrative. I could never imagine Carl chattin' up some older girl in her car. Tho, I couldn't imagine Debbie doing it either BUT THERE IT HORRIBLY WAS. Anyway, Carl depresses me the most maybe. His attachment to Frank is...just...I can't. I get that Frank is his DAD. Like, it's the only one Carl has. But I really wish Carl could recognize that being a sperm donor does not make someone a father. Fiona is his dad. Let Frank go, ugh. I don't want that piece of garbage to bring him further down the humanity pole than he already is. Like, all Frank has to do is ask Carl to stick his finger up his ass to relieve a turd ball ONCE and that's it - Carl's a serial killer. The transformation is complete. Last season had me BAWLING when he shaved Frank's head in the hosptial, and it makes me feel bad for thinking Carl is a dumb ass for still loving Frank when everyone else has given up on him. I get that ~human relationships~ aren't as simple as that. (I get it because I read it on a blog somewhere. I don't know anything personally about human relationships myself). BUT FRANK DOESN'T CARE ABOUT CARL. WHY CAN'T CARL SEE?! HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF!! (I definitely have personal experience/knowledge of narcissism. I read it on my face when looking in the mirror HAHAHahhuggh)

Kev & V: OH BOY. Everything V said to Fiona after she found out she was pregnant. I really hope she wasn't serious about having her mom get an abortion CUZ THAT AINT GOING DOWN HOW YOU THINK IT IS, SWEETCHEEKS. I still can't get over those eps with Kev fucking her mom. Don't tell me you went through all that disturbing shit just to throw that baby away because you're getting a clean one you acquired through less horrifying means. DON'T TELL ME THAT. (Just to be clear, I am pro-baby killing. Just not in this context. Give me all the mixed race babies! "Stop" - my brain to all my organs just now lol) Oh, also, what's going to happen with the owner of the bar who died? Is this going to get in the way of Kev's money? Because I was wondering why that was in any way significant. 

LIP: So Good Will Hunting is at college. I wonder how long that'll last. I do like him being the outcast at school and I think they should keep him there just because Lip @ College is rife with material. I loved the scene with the flashmob and him walking through it BECAUSE FUCK FLASH MOBS THAT SHIT IS GROSS. But I get that scene was meant to illustrate his ~aloneness~. Like, the only time we see him communicating in a friendly way is with his Hispanic dishwashing coworker. That was super pointed. Lip is my favesies so I hope him being at school doesn't mean less screentime. His trajectory is probably the best/most interesting one, so I hope it never lags or is diluted for other people to do more.  Like...for instance, Sheila?! 

Sheila: No idea. I like Sheila, so I'm not complaining, but her still being around miiiiiiight be stretching it. To be honest, it was probably always stretching it. But I love her stuff so hopefully they give her some significant shit to do this season NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHER PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT MORE, THO. 

Who else? 

Mickey. Fucking Mickey. I wonder...if they're giving more spotlight to the Milkovich's. They're probably about to get into some crazy prostitution storyline, right? I think...I am interested in the Milkovich's. I hate all of them, but two of them (Mickey and Mandy) are connected to two Gallaghers I love...so...I want to understand them. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MICKEY KICKING IAN IN HIS FUCKING FACE THO YOU WENT TOO FAR SHAMELESS. Mickey makes me so sad with his closeted bullshit. But seeing how his dad reacted when he found him and Ian fucking...I need to at least a little bit understand. But it's so hard! Speaking of hard, did he seriously leave Ian's pic in that magazine and then put it at the top of the pile? WHAT IF HIS DAD SITS DOWN TO SHIT AND OPENS UP THE MAG TO READ AND SEES THIS BEAUTIFUL ABERCROMBIE & FITCH PIC OF IAN SMILING BACK AT HIM?! Uh, hello dum-dum, anyone there?! 

I can't. I'm tired. 

Oh, shit. I forgot Frank. He needs to die. Like, is he seriously still alive? I love Frank sometimes, tho. I love a hot mess. But maybe I have a limit (True Blood, Dexter). I'll see what terribleness he has in store to enfold this season before I make my decision. What decision what the fuck am I talking about ugh

UM, SORRY, ALSO, CAN YOU BRING IAN BACK PLEASE?! OR CAN WE AT LEAST GET SOME DUMB ASS SCENES WITH HIM GETTING HAZED AT ARMY OR WHATEVER? GET WITH THE PROGRAM!