Everyone Is Terrible: Transparent Season 1

So it took me forever to finally get around to watching Transparent. Primarily because I refuse to pay for an Amazon Prime subscription eventho I'm constantly ordering shit off there and it would just be economically wise for me to have one. But would it be spiritually? NO. So I continue to just steal a few days here and there so I can watch their little shows and the shittiest Anthony Perkins movies I can't find anywhere else. Like, of course Amazon Prime has that weird Jekyll and Hyde movie he did and that grainy ass movie with Charles Bronson that looks like it was shot with a fucking cardboard box with some broken dollar store sunglasses used as the lens. Is this getting too specific? Anyway, I digress. That happens a lot. I think I have ADD. But whatever, who cares, we'll all be dead soon. Fingers. Crossed!!

Do I like Transparent? Idk. I ~*~binge-watched~*~ the whole thing in like five hours. I mean, it was only ten eps. But I specifically remember having some shit to do that day (lol okay) and ignoring those priorities and just watching Transparent instead? I mean, I decided to do that before I even saw the first episode so I don't think that says anything about the quality of the show or my level of interest in it, I'm just a lazy ass procrastinator who takes any and every excuse to avoid responsibilities! Cuz I'm a piece of dookie! Sort of like every character on this show and it all comes around full circle yess!!!! 

I think I do like the show, but why is everyone the absolute worse? Like, everyone. Maura, too, right? I feel we're not supposed to think Maura is the worst, but there's...just something about her. Like when she was in her support group thing and she said her kids were "so selfish"...how fucking tone deaf and non-self aware can you be? If your kids are selfish...it's cuz you raised them like that??? And let's not even talk about you being super-pumped about Ali not having a bat mitzvah just so you could go to that weird tranny summer camp. But sigh, Maura's not really that bad compared to her kids. BUT SIGH AREN'T THEY LIKE THAT BECAUSE OF HER? Or are we to mainly blame Judith Light? I feel comfortable mainly blaming Judith Light, but, come on, can Maura take some responsibility??? 

Okay, so who's the worstest out of the three kids? They are all so. fucking. horrible. but...Josh. Like, definitely Josh, right? He's so skeevy and gross and just awful. With his ~*~love addiction~*~ bullshit. Would he or would he not have fucked Bianca if ol' girls had not come home, hmm?? And who smokes WEED DRUGS with A CHILD and goes like half-way skinny dipping with them? Lol I'm trying to make it sound way more egregious, but gah he is so inappropriate and nausea-making. Like fucking that girl he was managing. First of all she looked barely legal, and it's just not cute or poppin' to be smashing some bitch whose career you're meant to be guiding and protecting, but OKAY.

And the rabbi! I love Kathryn Hahn so much and she's so cute and omg here as a rabbi she's adorable and so sweet and precious and I want to throw up at how thirsty she was acting for that Josh peen. Like, Josh is cute and definitely played by the less-annoying, clearly underrated Duplass brother, but he not that cute, and he's still played by a Duplass brother, so. Like, I'm sure there are way cuter Jew boys in ol' girls church that she could be checkin' for, why she so souped on Josh? He looks like he has a small dick and would make her kill all the spiders if they went on honeymoon to Australia. There's no way I'm fuckin' with a nigga who would make me kill all those monstrous-size ass wolf spiders in the OZ. Come on, rabbi girl, do better. 

Is Josh the worst because he was molested by that babysitter and no one did too much about it??? Are we supposed to accept that he was mature enough to make the decision for himself that he wanted to fuck that grown ass woman? Wait how old was she when they started up? She was at least in her twenties. Mmnn. 

Wait let's talk about how I thought Josh was gonna fuck Bianca and it'd be like this cyclical thing with him abusing a child like how he was abused but this show pussied out and it didn't happen?!?!?! Even when she went to go stay with him?!?!?!? Um, okay. And why does Bianca's fast ass have to be black?? Hmm?! So she can appear ~sexier~? Smh @ this show using black people as like sexual props. 

And now segue to Ali! 

So Ali tryna get a threesome in with those two black dudes doesn't make her "the worst". Wait hold up! I'm so annoyed this show keeps pussying out on shit. YO I WANTED TO SEE THAT SHIT GO. DOWN. And how like cliché that the dudes got weirded out by her saying they really wanted to fuck each other. Lol as if they would've really stopped like that. Smh, come on, come on now!! 

So Ali is the least-worst kid to me, but when I was reading about the show on imdb everyone was all like "omg kill Ali". What? Kill Ali? Nah, kill Josh, kill Sarah, kill fucking Len and Syd and fucking Maura and that ugly butch lesbian drag king. Wait...let me evaluate. Is Ali really as bad as all those imdb keyboard thugs were implying but I can't see it because I'm so blinded by my undying love for Gaby Hoffmann??? Okay let me see!! 

Sooooooooo Ali is basically a character off Girls, maybe a little older. She's like Gaby's actual character on Girls mushed into like Hannah annnnnnd, idk, Jessa?? Adam?? Girl, idk. But she'd def fit right on in there. I, as an entitled millennial, am too deep in the eye of the storm to see how horrible, I guess, these types actually are. So I can't give Ali any "the worst!" points just for being like, lazy, unemployed and aimless. Bro, she's ~finding herself~, give her some space, allow her to prosper and flourish into a beautiful flower and/or cumbersome garden weed! 

Ali was wrong for how she did Syd, maybe? Lol like she's def a not-good friend to her. When she said she wanted to do mushrooms with those black dudes instead of Syd eventho Syd got her the drugs I was like "...yikes." Feelin' mad awkward for Syd lol. So Ali in general is definitely a user and that's sort of dickish. And then when Syd...basically confessed her love for Ali...ssssssss lol. Um, okay. So, idk what sort of response you're even supposed to have to that. If your ~best friend~ tells you they're in love with you, but you're not in love with them, what the hell are you supposed? to? say? Like, thanks? Idk, man. And then Ali was already in a bad headspace because SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HER OWN FUCKING BROTHER WHOM SHE FOUND OUT SYD WAS FUCKING BEHIND HER BACK. Syd is the worst one here for fucking her homegirl's man, imo lol omfffggggggg. 

Is Ali "the worst" because she's in love with Josh? lol omg I just cannot. deal. I don't feel any type of way about her saying that shit to the rabbi because it was all true and that rabbi needed to learn. THOUGH, it looks from promotionals of the show that ol' girl will still be with Josh so clearly she didn't fucking listen. Sigh. Anyway, I don't care that Ali talked shit about Josh to her, Josh doesn't deserve that rabbi idc I am team not here for that fucking relationship. Josh deserves Ali. Ali is in Josh's league. His stupid ass needs to stay in his lane. And this brings me back to being pretty solid that Joshy is the worst of all the kids eventho Ali had the audacity to throw money at Maura as if this bitch got herself a job working the panini press at Arby's or something. I...don't recall...any scenes...showcasing Ali...acquiring employment...so.............

Ugh I haven't even discussed Sarah. Sigh, I don't want to. Siiigh. Okay sigh. Sooo Sarah reunites with her old college girlfriend and shit pops off. Can we just talk about Melora Hardin real quick? I lovvvveee her as Tammy, she fuckin kills me. When she said she was used to people being jealous of her with a straight ass face? Omg that was maybe my favorite moment from the whole show she is the best and my queen eventho I lowkey hate her and definitely lowkey hate Sarah and all their mess :')

So whatever, Sarah cheats on and then eventually leaves her husband, Len. I don't really feel any type of way about that because Len has an annoying look. I don't like his face, and I don't like the way he talks. Rob Huebel can be douchey on Human Giant but he cannot and will not bring that mess over here and expect me to care about his character in any way at all whatsoever. I did think Sarah was douchey for how she handled things, but I was more annoyed with her for being so thirsty over Tammy. Like, this is your first tribbing experience in what? Twenty years? Calm down. How do you know you love this ho? Maybe you're just souped the sex is good? And, I mean, who is really tryna marry Tammy? Why do you look like a brined and leathered Justin Beiber, hmm? Is Sarah for real? She's mad cute, she could get any lesbian bitch. She could have a whole harem, like, let's all just calmmmm downnn with the rash permanent ass decisions. Like just make Tammy's bossy ass one of many harem girls, Sarah, come on, so stupid :') So tragically dumb :,))

Mmmm eventho I think that Sarah is a dummy, and agree with Maura that she is selfish, I don't find her to be "the worst". Wait, is she less-worse than Ali, my fave? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I think Sarah is just more annoying to me, but lowkey Ali is prob worse than her. Like, at least Sarah is not tryna fuck her brother. You can tell Ali grew up on Clueless ;)

:(

Hmm, anyway, what have I done? Idk. You know who's not the worst but the best? Judith Light. She's the best thing here, right? Can her ass get more screentime? She's better than everyone and I don't understand why we really only saw her in her little condominium talking about Vitaminwater and trying to kill her husband. I mean, that was great, but more! Maybe now that her husband is dead we can see her dating! Hmmm, I feel like I'm just asking for this show to give me a reason to hate her. Like Shelly dating will be really bad, right? We'll find out more why all the kids are the way they are?? Sigh, I don't want to have to like Maura more than Shelly. Maybe...maybe keep Shelly in the back prob. The less known, the better maybe. Lol no I am just kidding more Shelly less everyone else except Ali :) Fix this show to how I specifically want it :') Please no scenes with Josh's kid :) I see him in promotionals and I'm not happy :) No one cares about the kid Josh had with the babysitter who raped him :')

Rapture (1965)

So what is with Patricia Gozzi and these movies where she's like eight years old having romances with grown ass dudes?? Hm?? Okay, no, there's like two of them. But, straight-up, more than zero movies where a grown dude fucks a little girl is zero too many, you feel me?!!?

She doesn't fuck Hardy Krüger in Sundays and Cybele, right? They just...like...cuddle or something equally as gross but not as illegal?? Fine. BUT SHE DEFINITELY FUCKS OL' BOY IN RAPTURE. She and Dean Stockwell DEFINITELY HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. And the whole time I'm like "lol how old is she...?" Only to have it be vaguely revealed towards the end of the film that she's only like fifteen or some shit, right? Or am I confusing her character's age for how old Patricia the actress was?? Idk, but it's fucking suspicious. Like even if Agnes is eighteen in the movie (which I doubt), she's still clearly...like...not totally all there in the head. So it's messed up, and instead of thinking this shit is beautiful or romantic you just made me think Dean Stockwell was mad creepy. I was fine with him murdering a dude, but statutory rape sort of crosses the line. But definitely not being explicit about Agnes' age totally helped, so good on! 

Anyway! Rapture concerns the story of a man and his loco daughter and their caretaker living in some house and then some sexy, like, criminal on-the-lam interrupts their stale little lives and all hell breaks loose, but that was bound to happen anyway, whether Dean Stockwell rolled through or not. Melvyn Douglas plays the daddy and it's weird seeing him in a movie where his daughter is like, ultra-French. And then the caretaker, played by Gunnel Lindblom, has her Swedish accent and Melvyn's just shuffling about like some WWI war vet or something - idk, it was just a weird juxtaposition of different...like nationalities all thrown together. And Melvyn Douglas is so stodgy. How did he even meet Agnes' mom, who I'm assuming was French and like cool and beautiful? Maybe during war times so he seemed appealing to her in his like uniform with some medals on it and shit? I guess! But then even when Frederick is talking about Agnes' mom he straight-up says she never loved him. I guess ol' boy used to be monied up, because there's no other reason why Agnes' cool French mom would have been interested in stuffy ass, sweater-wearing Frederick, let's keep it real!! 

Frederick has two daughters, right? In the beginning one is getting married off and then we never see her again. Cool. Agnes is the younger one, and she is, I guess, a lunatic? Like, I don't get what Agnes' thing was. She was very immature-seeming. However, the movie doesn't give you an age for her, so it's hard to gauge, like, how off she really is. Like, is she just ~French~~ and ~*~carefree~~ but she has this very Republican-seeming American dad who's like, YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED UP AND CONTROLLED!! NO YOU CAN'T HAVE A SCARECROW!!? Idk. She definitely seemed like, too immature for someone who looked at least teenage-age. Too, like, temper-tantury or something. Like the thing with the scarecrow. How...she genuinely was talking to it like it was real? And then she thought it came to life in the form of Dean Stockwell??? Hmm @ you, Agnes. Hmm @ you. Also how she reacted when she caught Gunnel and Dean making out in that shed. Like, she legit was trying to murder Gunnel with that shovel. That is not...totally normal behavior. And then when she went off with Dean and he gave her his whole paycheck to go find a room for them to live in and she ended up...throwing all the money away?? She was, at least, entirely incompetent of taking care of herself, which I guess it like one of the big symptoms of being a loon??? I don't know, I really wish whatever was wrong with her was more clearly explained. I am the sort of person who needs things completely spelled out for me - give me a diagnosis!! It's weird I don't love the ending to Psycho where the whole plot is entirely explained in some long, horrible monologue by that doctor. That's like one of the worst movie endings I have ever seen, and yet, that's exactly the sort of ending I need for almost every movie I see. Hmm. 

Anyway, here are some screenshots I took of the movie that I will comment on and it won't be an analysis of the plot or anything I'll prob just talk about how pockmarks on dudes are really sexy or something horrible and disgusting like that :')

I'm screaming. That shit was so. fucking. funny. when he threw her doll. It was mad unnecessary. However, I got my entire fucking life. So, thanks. Thanks for that. 

yo

This shit is mad scary. I guess--ha--I guess that's why they call it a scarecrow haha. Ha...

The funny thing about this^ scene was Agnes kept glancing back at it while she was changing her clothes or something. Almost as if the scarecrow was...watching her get dressed...and she liked it???? Oh, girl...

Dean Stockwell is soooo cute!! Please!! Look at his eyebrows!! Wait - but where am I getting pockmarks from? In my head he has like these baby acne scars. Like, baby Edward James Olmos cheeks. However, I see zero of that here?? Hmmm. Whatever, still cute. But also a murderer and statutory rapist - never forget. I mean, he was in the movie. And also, let's be honest, probably in real life. They all are. The whites. But so cute!!!!!

Agnes staring at What'shisface was super creepy but also really cuWHAT THE FUCK IS THAT DOLL?!!?!?

THIS WAS BEFORE THEY EVER FUCKED. I should've known they were going to get down to business just based off this^. WHY ARE THEIR FACES SO CLOSE? This was like the first night Dean turned up at the house. Literally he like washed up at their house in a rainstorm and they picked his wet stranger body up and like put him in one of their beds???? Smh, white people, like. YOU DON'T KNOW THIS DUDE!!!! But like, they knew he was a criminal?????? And then later he's like stealing money from Frederick and Freddie is all "Why didn't you just ask?!" Cuz he's a criminal, dummy. Well, to be fair, he just murdered a guy, which is in a different category than thief, but, like, if you can kick up the courage enough to straight-up end a dude's life, what's snatching a few schillings or whatever the currency was in this vaguely set movie? WHERE DOES THIS MOVIE TAKE PLACE? Up your fucking ass, that's where!

HE'S SO CUTE LOOK! Was this when he was watching Agnes like writhe around (sexily??) on the floor? 

...yep... And the whole time Dean is so bemused by her. I never thought he'd have sex her. I guess he was just like "fuck it" when Gunnel left? But...Gunnel asked him to go with her and he didn't? Was it cuz he was afraid of getting caught by the police, or did he legit wanna stay with Agnes and her father in their creepy, sad house? Lol, def it was cuz he was afraid of getting snatched by the police. And so he's stuck on this island with these two freaks and he's like - okay, I have to fuck somebody, who's it gonna be: the crazy child woman, or, like, her dad and his sweaters? I'd choose Agnes, too, ngl. Melvyn Douglas is just not fucking doing it for me. Agnes and her never-washed sweater dress, however, unfortunately, is. SIGH.

When they were frolicking on the beach it was sort of cute :/

But thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn :/

Dean like diving over the cliffs to escape the cops WAS SO LIKE WHEN MELVYN TOSSED AGNES' DOLL OVER THE CLIFF AND IT LANDED ALL BROKEN. DEAN IS AGNES' DOLL. AND ALSO THE SCARECROW??? 

Idk, anyway, it was really sad? Like I make fun of this movie, but it was sad. And sort of good? Like eventho a grown man fucked a child and Melvyn wore those sweaters - I...had a good time? Well, not a good time. But it was an intriguing watch, and I would recommend...others watch...it...too. Lol, this is not that sort of blog. 10/10 would recommend Eger and RpoerT!! Who do I think I am - Pauline Kael? If she's dead, then, I wish. (I wish I was dead, I mean.) (That's me being the doctor dude at the end of Psycho explaining things to your simple, non-absorbent ass brain.)