The Wasp Woman (1959)

The movie starts out at an apiary. Right away, I'm like, okay, but what does this have to do with wasps? The film is called The Wasp Woman, as far as I know, so why are we talking about bees??? Somehow, is this film under the impression that wasps and bees are interchangeable? So, know that I went into this movie with an attitude. Because why am I already finding some shit to bitch about 1.3 milliseconds in??

I actually knew this movie would be bad. It's an insect-focused horror B-movie from the fifties, based in the beauty industry. Is that not the plot of Catwoman (2004)? Except, replace insects with cats? Bad or worser?? Tbh, I have no idea. This movie is a true failure on every level - and yet - is it somehow not as bad as Catwoman (2004)????

HOW?!

So the beginning of the movie at the apiary goes on for way too long. It's super-boring and tedious and there's, like, bee-talk, and every few seconds I shouted into the void "THIS MOVIE IS CALLED THE WASP WOMAN, THOUGH!!" 

There's some talk about royal jelly, and I'm guessing the apiary belongs to a cosmetics or health company. Some guy, I guess from the company, pops by to do some inspector shit. He, like me, has an attitude right from the jump. He's salty af. I want to be into it, but mostly I'm annoyed at his over-the-top 1950s tuff guy stage acting. He spots some wasps flying about the apiary and is all shouting to the nosebleed seats "WHO'S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS??!" Some snitch beekeeper is like, "Oh, prob Zinthrop. He's a wacko!" 

Yo, real quick I just went on imdb to look up some shit for the movie and I ended up on Susan Cabot's imdb page - it's lit. Like, it's wild over there please visit. Lol this was her final movie. No I shouldn't be laughing like she died from a homicide. In 1986...so like...I doubt it had anything to do with... Like I'm sure this was her final movie due to how incredibly fucking terrible it was and it prob got her blackwasplisted from Hollywood and omg just please go on her imdb page like that's what life is all afuckingbout!!

So anyway sigh. The inspector dude huffily storms up to confront Zinthrop in his creepy little bee person work area. "¿WASPS?" Inspector Dude is like @ Zinthrop. 

Zinthrop is old and ~eccentric~ and he has some vague foreign accent. German? Swiss? Just know he's weird. He explains to Inspector Dude that he's experimenting with wasps, using their kidneys or whatever to create a serum that reverses aging. Hmm. Look, essentially Zinthrop explains he created some shit that'll do a Benjamin Button on you. He shows the inspector two dogs. A puppy and a not-puppy. Zinthrop is like, "What would you call these dogs??" The inspector is like, "A big dog and a small dog." A pug is a "small dog". I don't know d/og breeds, because I don't care, but it was like a pitbull-type of dog?? I guess? With what appeared to be its child - a puppy. lol, I don't know why it bothered me so much that he said "small dog", but it did. No one would ever say that. Anyway, turns out, Zinthrop fed the "small dog" his weird wasp juice. It's not just a "small dog", its age has reversed! Can we talk about how the dogs are chained up in some small cage? No. Let's talk about how this wasp potion shit sounds like a really bad and dumb idea. Why...would anyone want to physically reverse in--I think the potion only changes your age cosmetically, not, like, biologically?? So the "small dog" hasn't gone back years on his lifespan, just, like, physically his body did?? But wouldn't an adult dog feel awkward about turning back into a puppy even though it's still old? Like it has all this old dog wisdom, but it's walking around in this baby dog body, not even capable of applying his years of knowledge. Am I worrying way too much about these test animals? Yes. #revloncosmetics 

Anyway, Inspector Dude fires Zinthrop. He like verbally pats him on the back, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll fit in somewhere!" This dude is one thousand, like, if he hasn't found his crew by now...

Setting change to [Insert Urban Jungle Metropolis Sky Scraper Buildings BUSY BUSINESS]. A woman, sort of dowdy, and librariany, wearing fucking glasses looking like they were made specifically for reading the tiny print on old people prescription bottles, is giving a presentation in a boardroom meeting thing. She's pointing to some graphs and shit like, "Sales have fucking gone down." Some dude interrupts like, "Excuse me, Ms. Stalin, but I actually think the failure of this company is your fault!" 

Couple of things:

1. I had no idea that the woman giving the presentation was the head of the fucking company. So when the dude interrupts to start roasting her, I got excited, like "oop! call-out!" 

2. I thought this bitch's last name was Stalin. Imdb tells me it's Starlin, though. But that's not what them niggas was sayin' - don't play me! 

When I realized Janice Stalin was the head of the company, I became enraged for at least one million different reasons. One was that Bill had the audacity to get up in the middle of his boss, and the head of the fucking company's presentation, to be like "LOL BUT YOU SUCK, THO!" In what fucking world would he have not been immediately fired if Janice was a dude? Instead her response was, "Yeah, u right. Tru, tru." Like, apparently sales for the company went down when Janice replaced herself as the face of the company, with a new model. Bill says how people were used to Janice's face representing the brand, that they trust it. They don't know the new girl, hence the drop in product moving. That makes sense, but... I'm sure Bill's job is not to criticize his boss' moves, but make them work?? Um, okay, the public is not receptive to the new face - so, like, make them be? How is he being helpful being like, "This thing you did? Lol it's not working, honeyyyyyy!" Not even offering up any solutions, but only trying to prove he's smarter or something. He's a fucking douche and I hate him. Like the other guy, Arthur, calls Bill a "hotshot" later, making some comment like "Go celebrate your victory". Over what?! He didn't help in any way! He just smugly roasted his boss in front of his peers, and then smugly sat the fuck back down, and that's it! omg this shit was so sexist - why do I keep watching old timey movies lol like all of them are sexist?? Sigh, but I love them. Ugh whatever

AND LET'S TALK ABOUT why Janice removed herself as the face of her own fucking company. She's *Jamie Lee Curtis possessed by Lindsay Lohan voice* old. She's like the crypt-keeper. Janice is all, "I can't be a glamour girl forever." Shut up, bitch. Old hoes are the face of shit everywhere. I see Ellen's ass hawking L'Oreal or one of them similar shits. Diane Keaton and her pedophile-supporting chinos out here doin' it big. And Oprah. A mogul such as yourself, Janice, whose fucking face is on every. single. fucking. one. of her magazines. Every one, bitch! Whatchu mean you can't be a glamour girl forever? Have you seen old hoes such as Sophia Loren or Cicely Tyson?? Those bitches are in their eighties absolutely shitting on everyone's lives - still. And Janice is what in this movie - 40? 41? PLEASE!

lol, I liked how shortly after she implied she was no longer attractive enough to be the face of the company, she was lighting up a cig. I was so full of glee inside myself to comment aloud into the void "Well, those cigarettes can't be helping." #antismokingblog

I'm guessing Arthur is a scientist/chemist? Because Janice asks his opinion on wasp royal jelly. Does that exist in real life or just in this movie? I'll bing.com it later. But anyway, Janice has heard some things and wants the resident scientist douche to tell her if it's any use looking into. Arthur is just like, "Forget it, toots." He, akin to Bill, is also a piece of shit. He's like smugly toking on a pipe while talking to her. Who smokes a pipe? What a dinglehead. Also, I doubt Arthur even knows what the fuck wasp royal jelly is. He probably just immediately debunks it because he hears wasp. Welp, I feel ya there, buddy. 

Shortly after Arthur does an "lol, you simple bitch" in Janice's face, our boy Zinthrop comes through the building. Apparently he's written Janice about his weird experiments. Janice is all rude immediately, like, "That shit you said better be true." Zinthrop promises he has tangible results, and takes Janice to the lab to show her his weird Benjamin Button trick. He injects some big ass rat thing with the wasp juice, and it turns into a little mouse thing right before Janice's old, aging eyes. She goes from "I can't believe it" to "I'll be your next test subject - inject me now" real fucking quick. 

So everyone at the comp is suspicious of Zinthrop's presence. I think it's because he's the only one employed there who actually does any work. Like, what does Bill do? Except for smugly walking aimlessly about the office, flirting with the secretary, and being all up in Janice's fucking business?? What does Arthur do? Why is he never in the lab if he's a scientist slash chemist guy?? Why does Janice have to hire someone else to do the shit he's supposed to be doing?? Like, doesn't Zinthrop getting hired automatically make Arthur redundant? I guess I can see why he's salty. Why is Mary concerned? You're the secretary, bitch. Answer the phone and that's it! Job fulfilled, like, why are you digging through Janice's drawers and phoning up Bill to tell him all her fucking business? What are you doing? The opposite of secretarial work - I know that much. 

Wow, everyone is super hateable in this movie, except for Maureen from Brooklyn. Can Maureen have her own movie and that replaces this one? Like can I get an edit of The Wasp Woman that's just an endless loop of Maureen complaining about her boyfriend watching too much TV? Thank you, that'd be great! Like, delete this movie 100%. Burn the negatives, fam, there's no reason it needs to still exist. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiike...the wasp serum shit ends up working on Janice. She starts to look ~younger~, more ~*~beautiful~*~. But the wasp juice isn't working fast enough. Zinthrop is all like, "Dum dum, lab rats are smaller than humans. Hello, duhhhh!" Janice is like, "Right." Fast-forward to her taking more doses of the wasp juice without Zinthrop's knowledge. Fast-forward to Maureen looking at ~a new, younger, fresher-looking~~~ version of Janice like, "Who is this bitch? Does she have a work ID like...who let this stranger bitch in the building??" Like, she no longer looks like the national face of Old Maids anymore, I guess?? Except, Janice lowkey still looked the same?? lol she asks Mary "HOW OLD DO I LOOK?" And Mary cringe-awkwardly lies through her teeth "........23?" Lol this bitch don't look no 23. They made her hair look slightly less Emily Dickinsonish and took those ugly ass pharmacy reading glasses off, which improved her appearance. But it's like, what am I fucking watching - She's All That??? Unfortunately, no, I am fucking not. 

Fast-forward to Zinthrop getting attacked in the lab by Catwoman (2004).

WHAT THE FUCKIS THHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT?!! I fucking criiiied this movie is soooooo stuuuuuuuupppiiddd. lol omgggggg. Yo. 

And you know what is the most horrible thing? Worse than the Holocaust, 9/11, when Aaliyah died, Reunion getting cancelled before the mystery was solved, and the McRib not being available year-round? That shit is supposed to be a wasp. IN. WHAT. FUCKING. WORLD. IS. 

THIS^. MEANT TO RESEMBLE, IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM, A FUCKING. WASP???? Huh?!

That shit looks like a burnt ant. Or a burnt cat. In what world is a cat ever even remotely a little bit taking after a wasp??? Hmmm??? I'm screaming, this movie couldn't be more not good. 

Fast-forward to niggas disappearing and Zinthrop trying to kill himself by throwing himself into traffic. Fast-forward to Janice paying all expenses for his medical treatment and being super-worried for him solely so he'll heal from his injuries, regain his conveniently lost memory, and get back to fucking work. Fast-forward to Zinthrop not regaining memory until the very last moment when Janice is transforming into that charred termite and eating Mary?? Why...why when Janice turns into a wasp does she have the characteristics of a vampire? Neck-biting? Um, okay. Why doesn't she have a stinger? And how come Janice's whole body doesn't transform into a wasp? Like her neck stays human?? We can see her necklace and everything... 

(?????) Why is the costume so cheap? I'm appalled. Like the most important thing about this movie is ~*~The Wasp Woman~*~, right? WRONG. It's Maureen. I'm glad she didn't die. 0 stars! 

Masterpiece of Shit Theater, Episode 5: I, Origins (2014)

Wow, I really thought this movie was going to be good. This came out like a year ago and the several glowing reviews I read for it had me really wanting to see this shit. It sounded different and unique and I've had mostly good experiences with Michael Pitt and Brit Marling, so I really thought I, Origins was going to turn the fuck up. It did...sort of turn the fuck up? Turn my stomach the fuck up. I mean, I just fucking dislocated my shoulder to make that reach, but actually I'm being 100% serious - this movie made me sick to my fucking stomach :') It was bad haha :') And I feel hoodwinked and bamboozled :')

B negative Pitt plays, hilariously, a scientist dude in this mess. His name is Ian and he wears glasses so you know he's super-smart and a scientist guy. I think at the beginning he's at a fucking college-y party wearing his fucking lab coat?? Maybe I'm remembering it wrong, but eyeroll anyway. Also I forgot how old he was supposed to be, and what level of school he was in?? Like maybe he was 22 and doing a science degree, but would a dude getting a BA in Science Shit have his own lab and be given assistants? Idk, anyway, it's only important to note that Ian is a SCIENCEY SCIENTIST. He photographs/studies eyes and is obsessed with them. When the movie was cycling through a bunch of photographs of eyes and they were like all white people eyes...that should've been my cue. Not to stop watching, just to immediately, completely, totally lower any and all expectations. Whoops, this wasn't going to be the super-yewneek, revelatory movie I thought it would be. But, I'm dumb, so I decided to ignore that violently-waving red flag. I ignored soooo many of them within the first twenty or thirty minutes, before I finally was like "fuck it, this is garbage" and settled in to talk shit for the rest of the film. 

One of those many many major redflags I ignored, despite it being so ugly and red and wavy, was when the mysterious masked stranger made her appearance. What did that bitch have on her face - pantyhose? Okay. She looked like hipster catwoman? Which, natch, appealed greatly to Ian's hipstery scientist ~look @ my kewl warby parker's~_~ sensibilities. Ian asks this bitch if she's okay because she's sitting outside on the ledge looking super-sad and neutered or whatever. Kitty Woman replies that she's looking at the moon. Who goes to a party and isolates themselves outside to stare at the sky? In the city?? What are you even looking at??? Instead of walking away from this obvious train wreck, Ian is all lol can I photograph ur eyeballs?? Kitty Woman is like why and Ian is like ~*~it's just what i do~*~*~*~* and so Kitty Woman agrees to let him take a pic of her super-kewl and unique eye orbs. Then they end up making out and I was like okaaaay. They take their kissing shit inside to the bathroom, I think, at this random party, to fuck. They barely get into it before Ian asks her if she's sure she won't regret sleeping with him. I guess she decides she will, and just takes off without saying anything. lol okay what dude would be like "are u sure, sweetie???¿¿" What a dumb ass. 

The day after the party, Ian goes into work and his token Asian lab work buddy guy - I actually think maybe he was more an IT-type dude?? - alerts him that he's been assigned a new assistant. It's Brit Marling in glasses because you need to know she's smart and a sciencey scientist. Ian doesn't clue-in, though, and is super-condescending to her. I guess because she's a first-year student and obviously an idiot??? But she impresses him by pretending to care about research he's doing on color-blind mice. Like, he wants to make them be able to see color?? Because????????? Who the eff knows, but Brit gets into it, helping him with some such shit lol like I really don't care. Let's skip to Ian seeing Kitty Woman's/Sofi's eyes and shit on billboards???

Like, I guess she's a model??? Ian never saw Sofi's face that night of the party, he just inputs that pic he took of her eyes into the computer and like google image searches it and up comes up a bunch of pics of this model girl??? It's weird that this movie never addresses...Sofi's career??? Like, I'm getting ahead of myself trying to recap this in sequence, but once they do meet up and Ian asks Sofi what she does for a living, she's all like "pass" or whatever and it's never brought up again? Um, okay. But maybe I'll get more into that later sigh. So anyway! Ian, while busy with his mice eyeball research shit, makes time to continue to be obsessed with the girl he met at that party one time and he got the tip in before freaking her out by asking her if she'd regret fucking him which she decided she would and fled. He goes to some convenience store and orders like a coffee and cigarettes or some shit and the total comes out to $11.11, right? And the time is like 11:11:56. I was annoyed the elevens weren't straight-through. I'm not impressed by the hour and minutes being eleven if you're also showing me the seconds on the counter and it's not also eleven? Like okay wow magical~~~. Eyeroll. But Ian, WHO IS STAUNCHLY ANTI-GOD AND DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING FORGET IT, sort of takes this as a ~*sign*~. Outside of the convenience store, while he's staring sort of in marvel and shock at the receipt (for some reason???), a bus pulls up and he gets on. I can't tell if he was waiting for the bus, or if he decided to get on because he felt it was some sort of sign from the universe even though he doesn't believe in that kind of shit CUZ SCIENCE, FUCK GOD.

The bus leads Ian to the subway, I guess, and he gets on a train and blammo, there's Sofi. Sofi is really cute and Frenchy/Spanishy. However, she looks 12. Which...I guess works for how the movie plays out a little later??? Sigh. I will say the actress was very intriguing to me. Maybe because of her accent? Or how Frenchy-Spanishy she looked? Idk, I definitely liked how off-white she was lol, compared to Michael and Brit. Good times, good times. So anyway, Ian goes to sit down next to Sofi and she pops a Mentos into his palm. I, ORIGINS SPONSORED BY MENTOS THIS BLOG POST SPONSORED BY MENTOS MICHAEL PITT'S FISH LIPS SPONSORED B Y MEN TO S. Can we talk about how she was eating fruity Mentos, which are disgusting, instead of just the minty peppermint kind which are less-so??? Who the fuck eats the fruity Mentos? They are super-gross?? I don't understand. Like, Sofi had A WHOLE BOWL of them shits in her apartment. In what fucking world??? But okaaaaaay. Sofi gets up from Ian after she pops the mentos into his palm and goes to stand by the door. He follows her and gets all creeper-close to her, then puts his headphones on her head. 

I would decapitate (!!!!foreshadowing alert!!!!!) the shit out of some nigga getting all close up on my back on public transpo and putting his ugly headphones on my head, playing his shitty, twinkly ass indie toonz. Get this post-Garden State bullshit the flip out of here. ugh. Sofi doesn't rip the headphones off, though. The train stops and she gets off and walks out and Ian trails behind her holding his CD player or whatever the fuck and they keep walking and then Sofi stops to turn around and kiss him and I think the whole sequence is timed to the music and i w a n t 2 f uc k ing d    i eee.

So they go to a diner to talk or whatever. Sofi tells Ian literally nothing. He asks her some shit; basically all I remember her telling him is that she lived in Argentina until she was 10 or 11 and then moved to France with her grandmother. She got weird when Ian tried to ask about her parents, and her job. OKAY, PROCEED TO RELATIONSHIP. I guess???? So there's like a montage of them making out and doing sex shit or whatever and I'm like siiiiiiiiigggggh. I think if this were a French film, I'd be more into it. But it's American and laaaaame, so next! At what point in the movie did Ian make that disgusting comment where he was like "you ever meet someone and feel like they filled a hole in your soul??" or some shit and then Token Asian was like "Wow, man, that was deep." EYEROLL. And omg I'm totally remembering he said that shit like the day after he met Sofi and he didn't even see her face and barely talked to her and didn't even get the bitch's name or gmail address LIKE PLEASE!! Why did I ignore so many redflags I am soo disappointed in myself for giving this movie so many chances. Why did it take me until like half an hour in to start making fun of it?? Like I'm so sad for the me that was trying to take this movie seriously, until I could no longer, and started yelling at the screen for every character to shut. the. fuck. up.

Somewhere in the middle of Sofi and Ian being deep in the honeymoon phase of their two week relationship, with Sofi trying to imply that Ian's lame, derpy ass has psychic sensibilities, Ian and lab partner Karen have been...doing some weird science shit, trying to fiiind...like some origin thing? Looking for a species of animal that can't see but has some phenotype blah blah science words I forgot. But they want to create an eye from scratch, which Ian believes will enable him to be able to create color-eye seeing for...lol the mice. Sigh, all this work to de-colorblind mice? Like, for what??? lol please.

Okay so fast-forward to Sofi and Ian going to get married even though probably Ian doesn't even know this bitch's last name, nor has he asked her why she has a bowl of fruity mentos sitting in her apartment - like, it was the centerpiece of that sad table she had in her place and it was like full of fruity mentos like i didn't see a single peppermint flavored stick in the bunch wtf is wrong with this ho how the fuck could you propose to her come on she's a serial killer. Can I drop mpdg? MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL DO YOU UNDERSTAND? Like, Sofi is sooooo a mpdg. Am I not supposed to notice because she has an accent? lol okay, Mike Cahill, whatever you fucking saaaaayyyy. So, Sofi and Ian go down to the courthouse and this movie just keeps getting worse and fucking worse. Like, she's dancing around outside in some ~*~vintagey~*~ fucking wedding dress that looks like some old Victorian bitch would have been buried in. Or maybe her corpse would've been photographed in? But just so you know that Sofi is kewl and yewneek, she wears her spike-shouldered leather jacket over it. I want to be dead. The clerk at the courthouse tells Ian and Sofi they have to wait 24 hours before they can be married. Sofi is six years old and like jumps up and down, saying "We want to get married today!!" Like, okay, bitch, he said you have to wait 24 hours wtf. I guess it was obvious here that Sofi and Ian were never going to end up married, though how they ended up, I was not expecting lol. But before I giddily get into that mess, let's talk about how Karen calls Ian - oh, Karen is Brit Marling in glasses cuz scientist but hot lab partner but glasses so not 1st choice - up, really excited, cuz she found that thing they were looking for lol. Ian is super-excited, but I could tell right away Sofi was going to have an attitude about him wanting to get down to the lab immediately to check out Karen's discovery. She's like "on our wedding day"? He's like, "Technically, this isn't our wedding day. Also, technically, we already are married, spiritually". Okay, super-atheist supreme. Also, how are both of those things, technically, existing simultaneously??? Much scientist. 

Sofi looks like this^ at the lab. It was the realest moment--the only real moment, actually, in this pos. Like, Ian and Karen are being super-excited about their fucking worms and Sofi is just sitting there like "ooookaaaay tf???" Karen notices it's weird, and makes it more weird by being like "I'm going to go home and take a shower". Okay, & then what ;) I couldn't tell how I felt about Karen. She was obviously in love with Ian. But girl, you're cute. Focus your geeky hipster much scientist affections on someone else. Possibly that hot Token Asian in the office?? Like. But whatever. She leaves, then Ian has the audacity to get an attitude with Sofi being like "okay what is your problem??" But in a more sort of dweeby, chalk asian sort of way. Sofi is like, "You leave me every day to torture worms?" Boom, fucking roasted, tbh. Ian gets an attitude like IT'S MORE THAN TORTURING WORMS. Actually, I think he says they don't torture worms blah blah science for the greater good. He's really excited about the fact that he's giving sight to these worms. Sofi says some shit about how worms are blind and they have no concept of light, but if they're given sight, then they know light exists. She then painfully, imo, ties this to how it's possible some people, like Ian's worms, can gain an extra sense, and be made aware of a larger universe surrounding them. Btdubs, Sofi thinks she's like psychic or some shit, which is how this convo is horribly contrived. Also, I think I mentioned before, Ian is many atheists, fuck god and cosmic intervention praise Science!!! I thought Sofi was mad about Ian "torturing worms", but instead she uses him torturing worms to gaslight him into believing she can communicate with the other side??? Ohfuckingkaaaaay. They end up kissing, which, natch, ends up with Ian getting formaldehyde in his eyeballs and freaking out like a little bitch. GET THE YELLOW THING RINSE OUT MY EYES THEEYELLOW THIGN THR YEELELEOWOWO THINGG!! lol and Sofi was panicking like WHAT YELLOW THING WHERHEHEEHERE?!?!?! And then Ian just got frustrated and yelled for her to call Karen. Karen returns to the lab and helps Ian to rinse the formaldehyde from his eyelly balls. She bandages his eyes and decides he should be okay, and prob won't go blind. Lol I'm still laughing at that scene.

Ian and Sofi return to...I can't tell whose apartment building it was. Wasn't it Sofi's?? That's sort of important to know, as they get stuck in the elevator and Ian is like, "Call the landlord" and Sofi is like lol I don't have that nigga's number. Ian sighs and takes out his old-school mobile phone (was this part randomly set in like 2004??) and tells Sofi to call the landlord, it's under Landlord. Okay if u had his number the whole time why didn't you???? Also why does Sofi have to call - it's ur phone???? Anyway, his phone ends up being dead. (Foreshadowing?!?!?!) Something happens that causes Ian to start spazzing about how Sofi is a child living in her own fantasy world. This moment made me wonder if Sofi was made to be a mpdg on-purpose? But for what affect??? Also this moment made me realize their relationship wouldn't last. Like, how do you really recover from someone screaming at you--particularly a man yelling @ a woman that she is a child and nuts. Like, you can't maintain a relationship with someone who thinks like that about you, even if it's true, which it is. Fast-forward a few seconds to Sofi being decapitated by the fucking elevator. You know...I said...to myself aloud alone in the dark, I said to myself, "If she gets cut in half by this fucking elevator, I'm done". I said this because I didn't think it was actually going to happen. EXCEPT IT FUCKING DID?!?!?! What kind of. I think this was the point in the movie where I finally decided "fuck it, this is trash". lol HOW ARE YOU REALLY DOING THIS TO A CHARACTER?!?!?! One good thing is that I thought it was genuinely an emotional moment with Michael Pitt fucking screaming when he realized what happened. Like, I had to turn away from the screen lol. But...this moment seems so...like out of place in this movie lol like wtf am I watching. I'm thinking this is some existential-y, lowkey sci-fi, try-hardy indie alt-romance thing. But then out of nowhere you have bitches getting decapitated by elevators like I'm watching The fucking Walking Dead or some shit. I've only seen the first season of that show, but probably tons of people/zombies get decapitated by all the non-working elevators, right?? Sure. 

Fast-forward to Ian grieving over the loss of Sofi, not returning Token Asian's calls, and not going into work. At some point Karen calls him like "Can I come over?" and Ian says no but then Karen says she has something that's going to really take his breath away. Is it your hipster sciencey vagina, K-dog??? Karen shows up to make some embarrassing speech about how maybe the eyes are the window to the soul like she was the first bitch to ever think of that. Though, I guess the scene is supposed to be colored by the fact that they're scientists and shouldn't believe in souls??? But like Karen is so ~*~open-minded~*~~ that she can be a scientist and a looney toon. Which makes her 1000% better than Sofi, who was just a looney toon, without the benefit of being a hip-alt scientist with cool, but lowkey, tortoise shell frame eyeglasses that prob don't even have a prescription in them but lol okay carry on. So Karen is consoling Ian and telling him that he needs to get back in the lab. Okay, cool, you're a good friend. Then she ends up kissing him??????? In what world is it not sleazy to start making out with a dude whose fiancé just two seconds ago got cut in half by a fucking elevator??? And also partly it was his fault??? In what world is this not gross?????? 

FAST-FORWARD EIGHT YEARS to Ian being an acclaimed scientist doctor guy known for being obsessed with eyeballs and anti-obsessed with believing in God. It's good that...he's still out here preaching that SCIENCE OVER EVERYTHING rhetoric. It's so odd to me that...a scientist would care so much about disproving the existence of God. I would think a scientist would just automatically think they were the rightest, and not even entertain ~silly notions~ such as religion, or people believing in it. Like, you're busy doing scientific research, trying to prove your own theories. In what world would a scientist have the time, or the cares, to be bothering trying to shout down other people's beliefs??? So bizarre.

The eight years fast-forward opens on Ian being a guest on some talk show, discussing his book about eyes and how God doesn't exist, and also I think he invented that eye scanner thing. I'm still so confused as to what Ian actually did that made him famous. Did he end up giving mice eye color? Did he invent that scanner, or did he just have one in the lab?? Okay, let's talk about Karen being pregnant so I can skip to when he was giving that bitch an attitude at the hospital when she was scanning his son's eyes. SO KAREN IS PREGNANT. Obviously, eight years later, this ho and him are together. And having a child. We know this because the director made sure to focus in on Karen's protruding belly, as if we wouldn't have been able to casually surmise this for ourselves, just from a quick glance in her direction. I...didn't need an extreme close-up, but okaaaay. 

After Ian's television appearance, he, Karen, and Token Asian go to a restaurant, I guess, to celebrate? What exactly? Something...Ian did????? A waitress comes up to their table. This is the first black in the movie, right? I'm black, so I'm always looking for other blacks. They barely show this bitch's face. Ian has this totally unnecessary disgusted reaction to her presence lol. He's like "what is that smell??? I think it's your perfume". Like, his tone was so full of vitriol and vomit and omg who acts like this? Ian asks the waitress what sort of perfume she's wearing. She says some French shit like Tremè or some shit. I'm guessing Sofi wore this? Anyway, can we talk about how Token Asian and Karen act like Ian was flirting with the waitress?? He could not have been more rude. How is that flirting??? I guess white people flirting??? Tf. 

Back at home, Ian is masturbating to old videos and pics of Sofi, naturally. I really wanted Karen to walk in on him. Be careful what you wish for, because she did. He like, slams his computer down. She's all weird like, "Don't stop, I want to know what turns you on". KILLLLLLLLL MEEEEE. She opens up the laptop screen to see ~what turns Ian on~. It's old videos of his fucking dead girlfriend. Cool!! Karen reacts like...shocked. lol, please. Then she says how...idk...I think she implies she's grateful she called Ian on his supposed wedding day to come into the lab, or else Sofi would have never ended up getting decapitated??? Then Ian adds something more horrible, saying how that night in the elevator he was thinking "Am I going to be stuck with this child for the rest of my life?" Um, no, she could have not gotten decapitated by an elevator and you two could have gone your separate ways, non-decapitated style. Eyeroll @ Ian and Karen - they're gross. 

Karen has her stupid baby. At the hospital, some nurse technician or some shit says she wants to scan their baby's eyes. She proceeds to try to explain the process, but Ian is getting snippy like, "Yeah, I know, we have one in our lab". Lol, okay, slow your roll, pony boy. This bitch does not know you're a scientist - chilllllll. Something weird happens with the eye scanner. A black man's face pops up on the computer after the nurse chick scans their kid's eyes. Paul Edgar Dairy, I think. Everyone has a good chuckle about this error in the system. These two fucking idiots name their kid Tobias. Fast-forward to Ian getting a call from some science bitch from Yale? Some weird shit turned up in Tobias' urine that suggests he might have autism - they want to run tests on him. I thought it was weird how somber the woman was on the phone. Like, it's not leukemia. I know autism isn't, like, cool to have, but he's not going to die from it, right? Also I felt confused on why they wanted to run tests on this baby. First of all, you can't cure autism, right? Like, if he has it, he has it. It's too late to do anything about it now that he's born... I was really, really confused about everything happening with the kid. Whatever, they bring him down to the Yale scientists so they can perform some Clockwork Orange-lite tests on him, securing him in this weird white room while they ran two large images up on a wall side-by-side. The Yale bitch explains they're testing his eye moments. SCIENCY SCIENTISTS, Ian and Karen, are asking questions concerning how these tests are relevant to determining autism, being very skeptical of the whole process. They finally pull Tobias from the situation when he starts crying after seeing a picture of a black woman. This movie is tone deaf as fuck lol, like. 

Back at home, the SCIENCEY SCIENTISTS, are trying to figure out what the tests were about that the Yale bitch was tryna do on their baby. One of the pics Tobias was shown, was of a diner in Idaho. Karen looks it up online and discovers the diner actually exists. SO NATURALLY, Ian immediately hops on a plane to Idaho. To visit the diner?? Because??? When he gets to the diner, he asks a waitress working there if there are any ~*~cool~*~ places to hang around at??? The waitress chuckles that no, there wasn't really, because he was in bumfuck, nowhere. Then she made a joke like "Unless you wanna go visit the cows down at the barn??" KILL ME. One of the other pics Tobias was shown was of, u guessed, that barn. I want to die. Ian goes to the barn, but is stopped in the road by cows crossing. Some black woman is guiding them. Ian asks her if she knows Paul Edgar Dairy. She says, yes, he was her father. The look on her face suggested she was one of MLK Jr.'s kids, and Ian had asked about MLK Jr. BUT OKAY. The woman explains her dad was famous for being the only black farmer in, I guess, all of the midwest?? Ian is an idiot and keeps asking to see this nigga when it's clear he's deceased??? That black woman that caused Tobias to cry shows up. I guess she was PED's wife?? Please fucking end my life.

Back at home, with this new information that explains literally zero things, Ian and Karen are trying to piece together *~~what this all means~*~, with the help of Token Asian, who conveniently works at the eye scanning center, I guess? Idk, he has access to the database. This is where I got really confused. 1. what are they exactly looking for at this point in the movie? I guess they're trying to figure out what the autism eye test was about? OHH. Maybe they realized it wasn't about autism. They were testing...OOOOHHH okay. Because now I'm remembering the test Ian gives Salomina at the end of the film, which was similar to the test Tobias was given. So these eye-scanner people are lying about something? Are they reincarnating people?? I'm confused how Tobias has Paul Edgar Dairy's eyes? Like, what are they doing with people's bodies when they die?? Whatever, them searching in the database for "matches" (??) leads to them looking up Sofi's eyes, which show they were scanned three months ago in India. QQ: Why would Sofi's eyes be scanned? And why would they even think to look her up? Didn't she die before the scanner came into existence??? Admittedly, I have no idea how the eye-scanner even came to be, so I don't know when it was invented. Like, for real I thought Ian invented it, but I'm like 94% sure now that he didn't, so sigh idk. Fast-forward to Ian going to India to look for "Sofi". Or, her eyes, at least. 

Initially, Ian didn't want to go. Blah blah grief. Also, Sofi's dead, so wtf is he going to find?? Karen is like UR A WIZARD, HARRY. Ian agrees, and decides to go. He goes to the eye scanning center in India, and asks some community worker, played by Archie Panjabi, if she's seen Sofi's eyeballs anywhere around. Archie is uncomfortable like "...who's asking?" She says she's seen the eyes, but not the white part surrounding it. The face surrounding the eyes she knows belongs to some young Indian girl. Ian wants to know her whereabouts. Archie is sort of put-off by his white tourist aesthetic, but consents to assisting him, saying she hasn't seen the girl in months. She proceeds to help him look for her, probably more concerned with finding the girl to help her, more than this random white dude carrying around pictures of eyeballs. Ian is frustrated with his search pretty immediately, as 1 million people live in the 30 block radius he plans to search. Karen encourages him to stay and keep looking. Ian decides to take out a billboard ad.

Which seems like a super-dumb way to go about this. If I saw my eyeballs up there, I would never call, because how creepy. Though, Ian notes he expects at least someone who has seen/or knows the girl, to see the billboard and ring him. But why??? Mostly he gets calls from people lying, or trying to sell their nieces, which is exactly the kind of calls you'd expect from this sort of thing that apparently cost like $200,000 is Ian a fucking idiot. No, he's A SCIENTIST! 

At some point in his search, Ian takes time out to talk to beautiful Archie Panjabi, whom I wanted way more screentime from. Like I was thristing so hard I started shipping her with Ian. Horrible, miserable Ian. Why would I wish that on her?? smh. Their conversation is like conversations he had with Sofi about how Ian needed to broaden his mind, to accept that there may be a higher way of thinking that he isn't privy to, but could be if he stopped being such a pretentious, know-it-all dick. Archie's speech is basically Sofi's worm speech, but less mpdg. Like, I trust her more because she's Indian and references the Dalai Lama, and I can sense that Ian does, too. I don't want to ever be on the same page as Ian. Pretty soon after this, very close to giving up, and being pressured by Karen to come home, Ian spots some little girl in the town square staring up at the billboard. I hate the five-minute long camera wrap-around device used to take all day showing us the girl's face. SO. ANNOYING. But, finally, they let us see her.

And she doesn't even have the same eyes as Sofi???????????????????????? This girl's eyes looked completely gray, whereas Sofi's had that green and amber shit mixed in with hers. Okay but then Ian photographs the girl's eyes later and they photograph like Sofi's??? This movie was fucking reaching. LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW IAN JUST TAKES THIS BITCH TO HIS HOTEL ROOM AND SHE JUST GOES WITH HIM NO QUESTIONS ASKED?!?!?!?! He's like "Are you hungry?", like no child abductor has ever asked before. You've got to be kidding me with this shit. YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS BITCH IS JUST GOING TO FOLLOW THIS STRANGE MAN WITHOUT BEING LIKE "UM WTF??" NOT EVEN ONCE?? Is Ian just so fucking trustable because of his alt-science glasses and pure, innocent, angel-esque white skin? Break me off a piece of that kit kat bar, pleaaaaasseee. 

Would you go with this strange-looking man to his hotel room???? Hm?????

Back at the hotel room, Ian jumps right into testing the little girl, named Salomina. Like, he doesn't even explain to her what's going on. How insensitive, and way to make her feel really scared and uncomfortable. I hated this whole scene because he's showing her the pics and at first she's picking the "right" answers, but then she's picking the "wrong" ones and Ian keeps going "incorrect" and you could tell the girl is like "shit, I'm fucking up i'm fucking upshtiit". And she looks all nervous and scared and neither he nor Karen are doing anything to console her???? Like this made me sooooo fucking mad. But let's just talk about how Salomina was the true star of the film and at least I got to watch her for a few minutes, mostly feeling uncomfortable and/or crying, but it's something sigh. 

Salomina gets a lot "incorrect", but gets her last question, which seemed to be the most important one, "correct". Karen says her score is 44%, just a touch above random. Ian is disappointed, but I don't see how this proves or disproves anything??? The test itself is random. Whatever, Ian takes the girl out of his hotel room and they're about to get on the elevator and she starts freaking out and crying. I thought she was worried about going back out into the streets but then I clued the fuck in late as hell like "OOOH CUZ SOFI GOT DECAPITATED BY THAT ELEVATOR HAHA I'M A GENIUS I FIGURED IT OUT" -_-

The movie ends with Ian carrying Salomina in his arms down the stairs of the hotel, where they are going to meet - thank god - Archie Panjabi outside. The end. What?? What did I just watch? Did...did Ian have any plans once he found Sofi's eyeballs? What's going to happen to Salomina? Is he going to adopt her so he can reinstate his relationship with Sofi? Now that's the horrible fucking movie that should've been made. If you're going to make a piece of shit, trash ass mess of nothing, go all. the fucking. way. in. Don't hesitate, don't be afraid. Shit completely all over everything and everyone. I, Origins tried to be good, and thought it was, which was its failing. There's no way you wrote out this script and were like "aha! masterpiece!". The movie was ludicrous and incompetent from start to finish. Don't ever make the mistake of trying to make a good film, especially not if the plot heavily concerns people sitting around talking about blind worms and mice for significant stretches of time. Give up. Make a movie about a man falling in love with a little girl because he thinks she has the soul of a past-lover. Yes, that movie was already sort of made with Nicole Kidman rocking that terrible pixie cut, but since when has the movie industry ever shied away from exactly copying and rehashing shit that has already been done?? Just change the soundtrack. 

I think I hated how Matthew Weiner wrapped up Mad Men??

1. I hate everything. Hating is like a fucking hobby for me at this point, so maybe I just hated it...because I had to. Because I'm essentially Bane at this point in my life? But like with a healthy sprinkling of The Joker thrown in?? Like I just want to watch the world burn and also hello darkness my old friend. Wow, can you believe how terrible Ben Affleck will be as Batman like what is Hollywood doing omg have you seen promo posters for Suicide Squad jesus fucking kill me

2. Mad Men officially ended idk how long ago but I only just a few days ago finished watching the episodes. Because it wasn't a priority. What was a priority? Old episodes of The Life & Times of Tim on YouTube???? Like omg all of them are there! ugh watch they get pulled now i am so d u m b

So I really liked Mad Men, possibly even loved it. I didn't watch it when it first premiered, like 98% of people. It was getting a bunch of hype and I'm a sheep so I decided to binge the first seaz on Netflix and I was like "yeah boy!" and was pretty hooked ever since. It's definitely been my jam for a minute and I'm a little sad to see it go, but it ended at a good time, I think. Though...ugh. The way it was ended. Smh. 

Over the years, I guess just from getting older, I started to notice how like heavy-handed and obvious Mad Men could be. Like what metaphors golly gosh, you know? After Don's 1 millionth fucking speech I was like...alright. Smh @ Megan. Smh @ the story of some lame middle-aged white dude being made to seem super existential and like deep and stuff. Lol. Why were there like a lot of side characters I didn't care about who got a ton of screentime??? Why was every single one of Don's ~~paramours~~ totally insignificant except you could tell Matt Weiner didn't realize they were??? Like...just the more I watched over the years, the more problems I noticed about the show. Like: am I supposed to hate Betty??? lol when she was one of the few common-sense having characters on the show??? lollolol. And how many fucking Bobbys were there??? I mean!! Why didn't you just Judy Winslow his ass?? Like he could not have been more irrelevant and what is that other kid's name??? The smaller blonde one? Whose son was he again? Also is he a she? Is he or she's name Trinny??? 

Wait - what was my point? Sigh. I think I was saying that I loved Mad Men but that I started noticing faults over time and blah blah blah okay but what does--I guess I was trying to do some lead-in to complain about the messy way Weiner ended the series??? Sigh I'll just talk about all the individual ways he fucked up each major character and no I don't include that nigga with the eyepatch as a major character like what is his name and why wasn't he killed off circa the Duck years. Also, who is Duck???

-Pete

Um. I really loved Pete all the way through the series and I can't believe Kartheiser was never nominated for any major acting awards like didn't fucking January Jones get nominated at least once? WHAT THE FUCK. 

I...didn't like Pete's ending. I mean I guess I should be happy for him? But his ending rang false. Like, really? The fairytale ending for Pete fucking Campbell? lol okay. Why the fuck would cute ass Trudy, who could get any nigga and/or bitch, take him back?? There's literally no reason. He is not cute or charming and his hairline should be submitted to scientists posthumously for fucking research. Like wow I love Pete but only as a character who is a fucking mess and horrible and the worst and never says anything good and didn't he rape a chick at least once on the show??? And did or did not Trudy know about it????? OKAAAAAAAAAY IF YOU SAYYYY SOOOOO MATTHEW WEINER YOU FANTASY FUCKING FULFILLING PIECE :) OF :) SHIT:)

-Betty/Sally/Glen

Let's talk about the three worst actors of all time/this series/life. And how awkward, because Betty and Glen are two of my favorites lol. CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN GLEN WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR AND I WAS LIKE TO MYSELF ALONE IN THE DARK "LOL IS THAT GLEN?" LIKE I WAS MAKING A JOKE TO MYSELF BECAUSE HOW COULD THAT LANKY, WEIRD-HEADED MESS BE GLEN AND THEN IT TURNED OUT TO ACTUALLY BE GLEN AND I THREW UP IN MY LAP. And that whole exchange with him and Betty - actually, both exchanges. S c r e a m i n g. I hate Matthew Weiner - like way to do nepotism the actual worstest, secretly bestest way. Also, Glen is totally dying in the war, right? Like, there's no way he'd survive. Or, no, okay. He'd either die super horribly and immediately from some accident probably he caused, or, he'd go through the whole war without a scratch and then come home and get stung by a bee and Thomas J-style die from that. I called it and plz give me a Glen spinoff this isn't a fucking joke.

Right. So fuck Matt Weiner for giving Betty cancer. I seriously thought her arc was going to end with that weird goodbye scene with Glen and I laughed because how dumb to conclude a character like that but wait there are dumber, lazier ways - I KNOW! CANCER!! :DDDDD!!!!! Like, eyeroll. I'm happy that the message was very anti-smoking, as this is an #antismokingblog all the way, but I really feel it was more about Matt Weiner feeling like he needed to punish Betty? For being perfect and always having great hair, I guess? Sigh

And so I guess Sally will end up having to watch after her brothers forever? Because like obviously Henry is useless and who knows about this aunt and uncle. Like ugh she was going to Spain and now her mom is dying and her dad is going to become like one of those creepy yoga cult leaders and the cycle starts anew, I guess??? I hate this show. But also let's just talk about how Kiernan can't act and I'm gonna need for ppl to stop acting like she can okay thankx this is a pro bully underage girls trying their best blog. 

-Roger 

Was I ever like fully invested in Roger? No. He was charming, I guess? And John Slattery is hot, so...that was nice...to have. But had he been killed off at any point, I would've been entirely fine. I liked his ending, though. Lol his was like the only one. He deserves Marie, and I mean that in like...I guess there's a bad way to say someone deserves someone and a good way and...I mean both. Can we talk about how cute Julia Ormond is and why the fuck isn't she in more shit? Like she slayed in Legends where the fuck is her career??? And she's totally ready for ~*~older women~*~ parts like has anyone fucking seen Temple Grandin? Has anyone seen her in this I mean come on get that Julianna Margulies bitch out of my face and replace her with Smilla's Sense of Snow like honestly Hollywood is so wrong about everything

-Joan

My babe!! Joan slayed til the end, which is good. I feel like this show tried to come for Joan on multiple occasions, but they failed every time. Good. I took issue with her beau played by my beau Bruce Greenwood just dipping on her because she wanted to start a business. I honestly don't believe he would've just left like that??? Like, who would leave Joan??? Come on. But O K A Y WHAT EV E R YOU S A Y. I liked that she was getting her new production company up immediately and I also liked that she did it without Peggy because Joan didn't need Peggy and also their fake-ass, frenemy-ish relationship doesn't seem like it'd be a good idea to turn it into a business one. So...I guess I liked Joan's ending? With the exception of Bruce Greenwood leaving lol because in what fucking world. Also can we talk about how Joan's mom had no screentime in the last eps? I thought the actress who played her maybe died or something but there she was in the finale and I screamed lol. I don't even care about her, it was just weird to me that the babysitter got more screentime than this bitch. Like - doesn't the mom take care of Joan's kid full-time lol why couldn't she have been the one...--LIKE JOAN CALLED HER FROM THE HOTEL WHY WASN'T THERE A CUT TO HER LIKE WHEN JOAN CALLED THE SITTER AND THERE WAS A CUT TO THE SITTER?????? So bizarre. Only to me though probably siiigh

-Peggy

Remember when I hated Peggy so much and now I have no idea why??? Like I can't even really remember that time of my life when I hated Peggy like that shit was my fucking job. All I remember is fat suit and baby bangs, maybe??? But I definitely did hate her, and then...idk what season it was...but it was the episode that ended with Peggy riding that bike around the set of a commercial she was working on?? I remembering being like "ugh, don't make me like this bitch" and then like immediately falling in love with her right after thinking that. I wonder if my reaction to her--like, did the show mean for it to be like that? Because she was so...idk, meek and small and annoying and irksome in the beginning when she was just like a secretary and getting knocked up by Pete. Then Donald took her under his wing and she started moving up in the company and becoming more of her own woman and I just fell in love. But lowkey I sort of hate myself for...hating the powerless version of Peggy who gave up her baby and was forced to endure acting scenes with Colin Hanks. Idk, but I'm glad I fell in love with her and that she became my fave and I'm glad this show wrote this really great woman character even though a lot of times I had to eyeroll at her like getting mad at another bitch getting flowers, etc. - but whatever, for the most part she was amazing and give Elisabeth Moss every award. Don't make the mistake of not :) haha :) don't fuck up :))) 

All that being said: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ENDING FOR HER????!?!? THAT ROMCOM BULLSHIT TRASH ASS ENDING?!?!?!?

Stan and Peggy were friends! NONONONOONONONONONOOONONONO TO THEM GETTING TOGETHER PLEASE KILLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEE. omg when Peggy was on the phone like fucking talking herself into believing she was in love with Stan - GAG!! And Stan confessing his love for her - THAT WAS THE LEAST BELIEVABLE FUCKING PERFORMANC EI WANT TO MS SJ RKRMKRISM CSCREAMIN. Omg and when he walked in on her typing and he like--sorry real quick I had to throw up in the mouth of these baby birds I stole--kissed her on her fucking forehead. Peggy looked sick to her fucking stomach BUT OKAY WHATEVEVEVRVR YOU SAYAYYYYYYYYYY MATHTHTHREW WEINERRRRRR YOU FUCKING FLOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 

-Don

Sigh. Idk. lol. Don was always the most pretentious character and I had a lot of fun eyerolling at all his shenanigans. Don is sort of a really passive character, right? Like he just sleepwalked from one situation to the next. He has no identity, so that makes sense. It's such a weird character to have as the protagonist for a show. It's like you never really get inside, which I think was the point of him??? Or at least one of the points??? Also it seems like, during the era in which this show depicts, there were probably a lot of Dons - all these dudes and some women entering the working world with these completely false identities trying to make a name for themselves/seek their fortunes. And obviously this was the pre-internet age, so no one could pull up cached screenshots of deleted racist Tweets or anything like that, so it was the perfect time for fake ass bitches and niggas. But anyway, despite not having any real idea who Don is, and always sort of wanting him to reveal major things about himself, though he never really did, I liked Don. I thought he was a dick and piece of shit and don't get people who idolized him, but I liked him as a character. Also really loved Jon Hamm in the role and definitely give him all the awards. Is it true he never won an Emmy lol who the fuck cares about the Emmy's don't they do musical numbers for no reason?? Like didn't they do one with Jimmy Fallon??? Like an award show that has a musical number is trash and irrelevant like why are you singing and dancing fucking hand out these ugly statues and get this shit over with wtf 

Don's ending...wasssssssssss............w..w.w.w.w..w.w........lol. I liked when he was hugging that man who said he felt invisible. I thought it was funny because I felt the tension in the room of everyone thinking "um....sit down...". But while I was laughing at that, I started to cry because it was sad and you could tell Don's no identity having ass related to this dude and I was like :(((((. I felt like Don's story should have ended there but then they...added in that bit with him doing yoga????? And it made me think he'd turn into that dude who created Bikram Yoga and like rapes all his students and what the fuck is hot yoga tbh it sounds like you deserve whatever happens to you if you sign up for some shit like that. But anyway, I wasn't into the yoga thing. And I hated how Weiner thought he was throwing someone a bone by having a final Peggy/Don conversation OVER THE FUCKING PHONE. THEY WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM. smh wtf. get the fuck outta here with that mess, ugh. AND I HATE HOW PEGGY WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT DON AND SHE LIKE CALLED STAN AND HE'S LIKE OMG JUST GET OVER THAT NIGGA AND THEN THEY HAD THAT GROSS LOVE CONFESSIONAL BULLSHIT SCENE LIKE SHE JUST IMMEDIATELY FORGOT ABOUT DON I HAAAAATTTTE THIS SHOWWWWWW. And wtf was that Coca-Cola ad...at the end? I was like...oh, right, this show was about advertising lol. I want some Burger Chef. Does that actually exist? It sounds gross but, like, novel. You know what I mean? I'll consume any product that comes across as novel, no matter how shitty it seems/probably is. I imagine the packaging is like...simple design aesthetic with big blocky letters and there's a chef's hat on like an MS Paint clipart jpeg of a burger????? ...Please give me that Glen spinoff I'm not being ironic I really want it :/

                          NVR4GT GINSBERG

Fury (2014)

David Ayer made End of Watch and that makes perfect sense. That movie was sort of interesting/different, but at the same time super-corny and full of clichés. I'm not sure how you can manage all those things at once. Like uniqueness and sameness all in one blend? In what world? Fury..........like the whole time I'm being interested in stuff but also sort of like rolling my eyes at overused tropes and 2-dimensional characters and when the movie ended I didn't know how to feel. I like to always ask: would I watch this shit again? And usually the question is easy to answer, but not so here. 

Like, okay, good parts:

-Acting. Right? Maybe. I think for a sort of cheesy action/war film, the acting was pretty good across the board? Or...the cast was mostly good. Like this movie could have been entirely cast with Fast & Furious franchise alum, but instead was cast with actoryish actor types. Like, no great actors or anything...but definitely people who have consistently delivered solid performances over the course of their careers. With the exception of like...Logan Lerman(??) and LOL, SCOTT EASTWOOD.    

-Scott Eastwood. Quietly I'm beginning to stan for Scott Eastwood. Not for any appropriate reasons having to do with his ~*~acting~*~, because el oh fucking el. However, Scott is amusing as a person. He seems like a hot mess and a chatty kathy. He also has this like really douchey, smirky fucking serial killery twinkly eyes sort of face that I sort of just entirely live for. I can't believe his American Eagle looking ass showed up here amongst all this ugliness, shining and twinkling like some Ken doll come to life like these motherfuckers haven't been through a grueling war for several years. And what made his presence even more glaring was that you could tell the movie was going for a really dirty/fucked-up look with a lot of the characters (um, everything Jon Bernthal), and Scott Eastwood looks like he's about to film an Axe shower gel pecs-washing scene or some shit - like I entirely love him maybe???? And his death was really funny. Like he just got blown up and I laughed and laughed. Like, make Scott happen, Hollywood, this is important. I need more vapid interviews from him. Like how many more of his girlfriends did Ashton Kutcher fuck?? Probably so many! Please! I need to know!! 

-Shia LaBeouf cried a lot. Like one of my favorite things in the whole entire world is Shia LaBeouf crying. He's like really good at producing tears. A little too good (see: bad parts).

-Catty man arguments. Like the movie started off right away with a bunch of dudes bitching at each other in an enclosed space and it really got me going. Gross, but I love man arguing. Like, in movies not in real life. Seeing that shit up close in person is super-tragic and embarrassing, but watching dudes bitch at each other onscreen is definitely one of my new fave things? Like, I knew I always loved arguing on-screen, and I think my fave genre of film is People Tearing Each Other Apart (Verbally). But I never knew I specifically loved a gaggle of men ripping each other to shreds (verbally). But definitely I do and I definitely need more of it. Like, this movie in particular could've gone way harder with it. The dudes were constantly arguing but I don't feel it ever went too far. Maybe when Brad Pitt spit egg at Bernthal?? Okay it's time to skip over to BAD PARTS because I'm remembering all kinds of terrible shit immediately it's like flooding my brain oh god so much...badness...

BAD PARTS. ugh I'm always so much more excited to bitch about the bad shit wow I am such a guy haha amirite:

-The stuff with the German girls in the apartment. Soooooo..."Wardaddy" and Norman separate themselves from the Fury crew and break into this bitch's apartment. She's hiding a cousin. They only speak German fast-forward to me being really scared for a solid three minutes that Brad Pitt was about to rape one of these women. Something slightly worse happens? He's fake-nice and gives them food to cook him, then makes Logan fuck the younger one? Saying that if Logan doesn't, he will??? Does...does this movie think they teased a rape scene only to end up not doing it? When in actuality they teased a more typical, expected rape scene, rather than the subtle, slightly more horrifying one that they ended up doing anyway definitely immediately after that?????? Like, that bitch didn't fully consent. Like okay maybe she was into it in the moment after Logan half-assedly read her palm in a fucking language she can't understand, but I'm 100% sure she felt like she had to fuck him. And 100% Wardaddy said he would fuck her if Norman didn't...so the girl is like...okay, the lesser of two evils and fucks Norman but it's still rape like did she say yes what the fuck she doesn't even understand him. I honestly feel like this movie doesn't see it that way, though, and it's making me uncomfy. Like, oh, her and Norman are all of a sudden Romeo and Juliet or some shit - like, absolutely no. 

And okay! After that lovely raping of the German girl, the rest of the Fury crew rolls through and it gets all weird? Like they're all jealous that Wardaddy is spending alone time with the new twink on the scene? I was into...the tension and tears...but...also...idk. Let me cross over to the next thing I hated about this mess

-Not enough gay. Not nearly enough! Not really any, which was a hugely missed opportunity. ATTN ALL NIGGAS MAKING WAR FILMS: MAKE THEM SHITS MORE GAY, FAM. War movies are so inherently fucking gay with all that male masculinity macho macho bravado bullshit filling up every inch, hole, corner and crevice - they're bursting at the seams with backlogged semen from all this supposed not fucking they're supposedly not doing because nah, fam, that's gay. No homeo or whatever. I'm getting so tired of watching war things and dudes not fucking each other, or even doing a little bit of neck kissing - like, come on! It's 2015!! Get with the program! And don't come in here with: blah blah but this happened in the forties. Niggas were gay in the forties, too, fam, cum on. And eyeroll @ ppl thinking niggas never fucked each other in the army lololllool. And my prob with this movie had to do with me getting vibes that all the arguments stemmed from sexual tension. Like, the entire Fury crew wanted to smash Wardaddy but he only had eyes for new girl Norman, and they were jealous and hating. And a zesty little confrontation scene ensued with Wardaddy metafuckingphorically spitting his literal eggs in their faces. Like.  

-Speaking of being oblivious and naming the object of everyone's affection fucking Wardaddy, can we talk about these fucking nicknames please??? "Wardaddy" is gay as fuck - next. Shia's character's nickname is Bible. Cuz guess what? He like reads the bible and stuff. Wow what?!!??!? He's like Xtian and shit omg!! haha!! Bible - wowie!! Peña's character is named Gordo because "Spick" would have only been okay in the nineties before people started pretending to care about racism and stuff like that. Bernthal's character's name is...Coon-Ass. Hmmm. Why? Wait...maybe they named Peña's character Gordo as a reference to Lizzie McGuire, trying to shade Shia. As everyone knows Lizzie McGuire > Even Stevens. And so they weren't even trying to avoid a very racist seeming nickname with him - it was just a nice opportunity to be mean and remind Shia/the world that Lizzie McGuire > Even Stevens. I don't even remember what Even Stevens was about? Some uncomfortable attempt to make severe ADHD seem...cool? And okay? What failure. Wait lol but why is that nigga named Coon-Ass???? Is it not racist because Bernthal is "white"?? But what if he's playing a lightskin black here like I have no idea lol and why the fuck is he named Coon-Ass?????? Is it just like some random nickname?? Why was Snafu named Snafu in The Pacific, hmm? How come I don't have many questions about that?? Anyway, Brendan Fletcher explained it means "shit and ass fuck up" so...question answered and I still don't fucking know why this nigga is named Coon-Ass and honestly I don't want to but can someone please get this nigga a toothbrush and some Denta Picks thanxxx. 

-The characters were pretty non-dimensional. Starting with terrible/obvious nicknames, and...ending there. lol. Like David Ayer was like "haha let's name this one Bible and he reads bibles and haha." And for Bitty Pitt he's like "lol this is the MAIN ONE and the OLD ONE and lol this is a war and haha WARDADDY - right??? haha so he's the daddy of war lol" and for Michael Peña he's like "lol okay so my diversity hire lol let's see...we'll name him Gordo instead of Taco to be ~*~yewneek~*~ and FRESH and he'll speak Spanish within the first five minutes of the film and then WARDADDY THE DADDY OF WAR will yell @ him to stop speaking Mexican cuz lol old timey attitudes about race and stuff loloolll and that's it but lol pretty good, prettytttyyy gooood!" Bernthal aka Coon-Ass got the WILD CARD. Which equals: crazy; bad teeth; cuts on his nose; more eXtreem haircut than every1 else; playing in that girl's food - the end. Norman is "normal" get it? haha - that's it basically haha. Norman's like the normanal one haha he's the good one cuz normal equals good lol. He knows how to type and doesn't know how to shoot lol typical Norman haha what an angel he will be the only one to survive he is the only one who deserves to live because remember how sweet he was right before raping that German girl lol awww Norman haha

-Shia LaBeouf cried a lot. Remember how I said one of my fave things in the whole entire world is Shia LaBeouf crying? Yeah, like I completely meant that. I would watch a non-stop yule log type loop of that shit all day every day. And the promise that he'd be doing a lot of that in this movie was 70% the reason I wanted to watch it. No, let's be honest, it was 100%, because srsly the trailers for this were not promising and Shia was barely featured, but I like knew he was in it and he was second billed I think so I'm like okay he has copious amounts of screen time, there will at least be 10 whole tear drops!! Hmm. First of all, Shia had not nearly enough screen time in this. Like...LL or Bernthal might as well have been second billed ugh. And okay, any time he was the focus onscreen - like every time - he had fucking tears in his eyes lol. EVERY TIME. I. loved. it. But...man, lol, it didn't seem entirely appropriate. Like literally the camera would go to him and his line would be like "Let's fix that balloon animal" and his entire eyeballs would be filled to the brim with tears. Lol he's so fucking extra. 95% of his tears were uncalled for in this movie, honestly. Like...why was he breaking down 100% completely while reading that bible verse lol he got out like one line and then started blubbering...I can't. Except I can. I really loved all the tears but I feel like I shouldn't have but I did so oh well keep em coming. But also maybe try some comedies. And not an indie one because they'll let you cry through all the ~alternative~ "jokes", and that defeats the purpose. 

-The ~*~final battle~*~. No @ all of that. No @ how cheesy it was. The tank breaks down in the middle of the road just as a squad of Nazis are rolling up. Wardaddy, who clearly doesn't give a fuck about his life, decides he'll stay and fight. I'm still rolling my eyes super-hard at this mess. Of course the rest of the Fury crew gets all "I am Sparta" and decides they'll face the Nazis with Wardaddy even though he gave them the chance to get away. Fucking idiots and dumb and no. So they all get killed and when Bible got shot that's when I checked out emotionally. And eyeroll extreem @ Wardaddy taking forfuckingever to die. Like oh he's still alive enough to be shooting Nazis off of pure, precious liddle angel Norman gag me with a chainsaw like please as if dot com. Honestly I decided I really hated this movie the moment every1 made the worst decision of their lives and stayed to fight with Wardaddy. I guess these niggas had designs on still tryna get in them jeans even in the afterlife. In hell. Because murder is a sin, sweetie :)

Rachel, Rachel (1968)

As in The Long, Hot Summer, Joanne plays an old as fuck maid spinstery spinny spinster who is also a teacher, but most importantly, the entrance to her vaginal canal is blocked by cobwebs. What differentiates this movie from the mess that is The Long, Hot Summer, is that Joanne's character Rachel is actually of a more acceptable old maid spinnery spinster age: 35 to Long, Hot's 25. Also, this movie examines the life of a spinster far less offensively and with a more subtle hand than that of Long, Hot. And it's not all about Rachel being a spinster, it's also about her life sort of being at a standstill, and her passively going through the motions. I wonder if Paul Newman decided to direct this to make up for The Long, Hot Summer? Like at this point in his career he has way more power compared to the beginning of his career, so now he can acquire and direct projects that aren't super-offensive to the audience? And he's like, "Hey, let's re-do that shit we made ten years ago and make it be less bad?? First: let's entirely omit Orca Whales." That was a very good start, Paul. 

I think the movie opens with a pan-over of the small town Rachel lives in; then we see her in bed. Her alarm clock goes off and then she's just lying there like

gpoy. Wait - am I a spinnery spinster passively going through the motions of life? 1,000% yes. Moving on!!

Rachel, Rachel lives with her mom - wait, why is this movie called Rachel, Rachel? Does it refer to like the "two Rachels'? (the two faces of Rachel siiiiigh)?? Like one Rachel is the one who's...walking around on Earth talking to people, and then the other Rachel is the one inside her head? The alterna Rachel who takes that boy from her class home and sniffs that weird guy's hand??? Okay but I feel like alterna Rachel and the Rachel inside her head are two different...Rachels?? Maybe she has two voices: like one that tells her not to masturbate herself to sleep and that's the Rachel that doesn't save that little boy from getting molested, and then the other Rachel that tells the other voice she's just masturbating to get to sleep is the one that saves him and brings him home and is like "you can call me whatever you want :)))" like she's Miss Honey but less annoying because it's not Embeth Davidtz? Can we talk about how that boy was totally about to get molested, right? By that guy Rachel referred to as "the groper"??? Like why was she so hesitant to send the boy to his office?? That gave me major creeper vibes. But also why was Rachel imagining rubbing her face on his child booty hole massaging fingers??? Confusadora. Like I get you can be attracted to bad people - pretty sure Ted Bundy has a fanclub - it's just...I feel like it's weird for her to suspect him of creepin' on the kiddies and then also be fantasizing about rubbing her face on what he uses to creep on the kiddies with, you know??? Or maybe I was reading it wrong and god what is happening to this summary? Or is it a review?? Why does life keep happening to me?? It's never-ending!! 

So anyway! Rachel lives with her mommy. Remember when her mom was talking about that unmarried woman who got pregnant with like twins and decided she was going to keep the babies and it's super-scandalous and Rachel's mom is talking about how she told whoever that she's glad her two daughters never gave her any problems like that and Rachel is looking at her like

??? 1. What is that shit on her mom's head/chin? Is it like one of those face-lift devices?? Does that shit work? It looks gross. Also, this side-eye mom look reminded me of Xavier Dolan in I Killed My Mother when his mother is eating that fruit and side-eye looks at moms really needs to become a trope in movies and television. It's so, like, authentic. Also this sort of foreshadowed what Rachel goes through later in the movie, right? Ugh, do we have to talk about James Olson and his receding hairline? I don't want to!

So school ends and on the last day Rachel goes to some little store to get suntan lotion even though she says she never uses it and the clerk shades her like "maybe just a little bottle". Pleeease. Okay let's talk about why Rachel goes in this store - why does she?? Did she just want to be around all the hot horny youths? Or was she just legit going to the store to buy stuff and didn't really think about them being there? I would never go into a store that was full of people, because I am constantly in the mood of wanting to go on a killing spree, and crowds of individuals are just not my aesthetic. Especially not younger-types, who wear jeans and do the skateboard. They might try to make me chug Mountain Dew or something - no thanks!!! So in this crowded ass store some dude sans the horrific toupée he wore in Amityville II: The Possession, is like, "Rachel?" Oh, boy, here we go. 

James Olson plays some dude named Nick. He's the twin brother who didn't die. So I guess that means he can act like a douchey ass no hairline having ass dick???? He's 100% coming on to Rachel and it's really gross but I feel like maybe she didn't notice? Has she never been comed...on...to...before? Sigh. I feel like Rachel is cute so it's not logical. Maybe it's been a while? Idk but this dude is basically trying to fuck, while simultaneously trying to read the fuck out of Rachel's life. He's like "haha so they left you behind!!!" and shit of that nature and I'm like "...". Also he says he teaches high school...or Rachel says it for him and he just nods like "uh huh" - this nigga don't teach nowhere!! He's a con man and his hairline starts at the back of his fucking neck - run!!! Rachel doesn't run, though. Like, even after he gets frustrated with her not realizing he's trying to get in them jeans and asks if her sister's around. Rachel's just like ":) no she got married and moved and had kids :)". Like he went from "oh go to the movies with me haha :))" to "OKAY WELL IS UR SISTER AROUND DAMN!" Why are you like this, Nick? And even when he's being fake-nice and asking her out, it's just gross vibes all-around. Like when he asks Rachel to the movies she's like, "What's playing?" and he says "Does it matter?" UM, YES. The fuck? I'm not going to see fucking Aloha or that movie where Reese Witherspoon is handcuffed to Sofia Vergara just to have you trying to make out with me the whole time and I don't even get to watch the shitty movie. Like I'm not going to be seen going to either of those films if all we're going to be doing is gross kiss stuff. I want to see Mad Max: Fury Road, and I want to watch all of it and don't touch me and buy me Raisinets thanks. That's what Rachel should have said, right, but she just laughs??? I hate Nick soo much get awaaayyy from herrr. 

Whatever, Rachel ends up going out with this dude and he's...like you can tell he's a mess. He gets like randomly passionately angry when they go to a bar - something about not wanting to work for his dad or some shit. It's like lol okay use your inside voice ur on a date and also inside but okay. Then he and Rachel go to have sex outside somewhere (???) and Nick is pulling her clothes off and notices Rachel is...uncomfortable...and says something about how the first time is always bad. And I totally, like Rachel, thought he meant he knew she was a virgin. She's all like, "Is it that obvious?" and he's all "is what obvious?" or something like that and I'm all "...ohhhhhh." Hello, she's never had sex before clue the fuck in!!! 

I'm glad this movie was made in 1968 and they weren't doing full-on sex scenes yet in America, right? So great I didn't have to see that. So happy. Afterwards, Rachel is worried about being pregnant? Hmmm definitely you should've use prophylactics fucking that dirty nigga. Who the heck knows what kind of free love ass fucking diseases he has. You're worried about being pregnant but probably one of the many viruses he also passed along to you will kill that baby up right quick like. She goes to get her mom's...I forgot the name of that thing. I was of the impression it was used for douching? But maybe it's used for...idk. You put vinegar and like water in it and shoot it up inside you, right? Okay...but if it's mainly for...abortions...why does...the mom have it? Like why does she react so shocked and horrified when she discovers Rachel was trying to use it? If it's used for more than abortion purposes why did she automatically think Rachel was using it for that? Maybe she wanted to cleanse...her colon? But it's like 100% obvious I don't know what the old school ass device is. Sybil's mom used it on her to abuse her, right? To like clean out her vagina a ton when she was a kid? And Sybil's abusey mom was totally that teacher from Splendor in the Grass which was...directed by Elia Kazan...who totally snitched on his commie colleagues to the HUAC and got them blacklisted and...Sidney Poitier is black...and he was in...Paris Blues with Joanne and Paul omg!!!!!!! Six degrees of separation man - it's legit. 

Wait let's ignore Nick rq because I totally forgot to talk about Estelle Parsons and that's completely unacceptable. So Estelle plays some other teacher bitch at Rachel's school named Calla, which is a cool name I think. Unless I find out it's some weird racist white ppl shit. You know how some names are like racist references? And you're like omg that's a cool name but then you find out Rudolf's parents named him after Rudolf Hess and you're like okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. So Calla is sort of cute and gives Rachel gifts for no reason

like this cool tree. Rachel is soooo souped to get that tree. She's like "it's the one from the fair!" or something like that and she keeps going "it's too much!!" Like she loves that fucking tree soo much and it's sooo cute and Calla just got it for her just to get it and I'm like :33333. Can we talk about how Calla is the perfect match for Rachel??? Like her soulmate is sitting right under her nose hello. I mean, okay, so maybe Rach isn't a lesbian. But like sexuality is fluid and is Rachel really about to sit up here and deny she wasn't 100% into that kiss Calla planted on her??? Hell no she is not. Come on, Rach, ditch the dick and get with the...vagina lips sigh. Also Calla 1,000% would be way better at fucking than Nick. She has the same equipment as you - it'd be farrrr less awkward. Also, no worries about pregnancy and having to shame your mom having kids out of wedlock. But I guess I can't force Rachel to be attracted to Calla in that way if she just isn't. But Calla loves her and Rachel needs love and it's right there!! Hello! 

However, Calla is like in some weird religious cult so that's a definite strike against her. I like the...church scene. I'll try to not be a horrible and call it a church even though it was straight-up some weird hippie cult haha but I'll not do that haha. 

Rememer when that David Miscavige-y dude was making Rachel repeat "love" over and over? hmm if that was me I would have stubbornly refused to participate until the bitter end. Like he'd be holding a gun to my head and I still wouldn't look him in the eyes and say love because I'm a horrific piece of shit :') But Rachel is...receptive, right? Like, she wants love and to be loved and all that gunk. Also what were the flashbacks to her father alluding to - that he was the only one who ever really loved her? Or...maybe that he was the only who she ever truly loved...or when she thinks about love that's who/what she imagines?? I wonder if she loved her mom. Like, yeah, she imagines her od'ing on sleeping pills - but who doesn't imagine that about their mom haha!! Mmm idk, but I liked this scene and thought it was weird and sort of funny and Geraldine Fitzgerald. Did I finish talking about Estelle Parsons lol. Am I done???? My opinion is that she has a nice sort of gypsy tan and she's way hotter than Nick and I don't get why Rachel was dickmatized by him when he doesn't even have a hairline or Calla's cool glasses like okay. 

Back to Nick? No. Not...like, no. Sigh. So Rachel spends like a weekend or something up at the barn??? And they're fucking. And then Rachel gets weird and is all "You make me so happy and you've saved me and let's have babies!!" And that whole scene is so hard to watch and I just want to die. Not even because she's sort of supremely-embarrassing and desperate, but just...like...you're saying all that shit about Nick. He's the twin that should've died, Rachel, come on get some fucking standards. But whatever, predictably, Nick gets all scary like "whoa whoa whoa" and then he's all like "there's something you should see" and shows Rachel a pic of some kid, and I, prob like Rachel, assumed he had a family. Hmmm, but does he? The woman Rachel speaks on the phone with says Nick doesn't have a family...or that he didn't get married yet??? It was sort of ambiguous, right? I figured Rachel assumed he was married with the 2.5 kids and golden retriever, but maybe he just had a kid...??? But also I started thinking that picture he pulled out was maybe a pic of him as a kid or his brother? lol what a fucking piece of shit either way

What kills me is when Rachel really thinks she's pregnant. Like, first she's distraught and worried, right? Because she's unmarried and it's 1960 something and that's not totally okay. What's funny is that she handles thinking she's pregnant by drinking rye and smoking?? lol okay no wonder all these pre-eighties babies are a mess. Rq let's talk about...

Frank Corsaro!! Who played Hector Jonas. He's the one in the back there. Like, I loved him. And I got all excited like who is this actor is he a Cassavetes actor where have I seen him??? Then I go on this nigga's imdb page and this is like the only fucking movie he's ever acted in??? lol okaaaaaaaaaaaay. I hate that! ugh. I'm guessing he was primarily a stage actor?? This is bullshit but okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Okay back to Rachel passive aggresively trying to kill her baby! So she's drinking a bunch and then goes over to Calla's house and has black coffee and another smoke??? Like okayaaaaaaay even if you're considering killling the kid like it's not dead yet so maybe calm down??? Am I being accidentally pro-life? INEVER WANG TO ACCIDENTALL BE PROL IFE. But anyway Rachel decides to keep the kid and this is when I remembered that she isn't actually pregnant and got all frowny face for her. But it still killed me when the doc told her she just had a cyst and she started crying by herself in the examination room. Like, okay, there's some shit in my eye. But I think this is a good thing because...it's like now she knows what she really wants, right? Like she wants a family...or at least a kid, right? Before, she didn't really know and, like she said, was sleepwalking through life and her having this little breakdown over finding out she's not having a baby sort of wakes her up. She takes that job in Oregon and already bought her ticket and is straight-up with her mom like, "You can come with me or not" and her mom is being a drama queen but Rachel doesn't buckle and it's just a beautiful awakening. The caterpillar is emerging from its chrysalis, nah??? Yes!!! And then that end scene on the bus I think is beautiful because it's her thinking about moving to Oregon and how there could be all these possibilities and things that can happen to her or not happen to her, but it's still optimism and hope for the future either way and I was like...weirdly not depressed. Which is a new and cool thing for me! 

But hmmm what is the thing with the woman on the beach with the kid? Is Paul Newman telling us that's Future Rachel? If so, cool. Cool cool. But also I'm wondering why that was needed. Like...did Newman's Own think ppl would feel uncomfortable with just the bus ending? Like they needed confirmation Rachel would get that baby? Mmm but maybe it wasn't even like that because I feel the beach thing was maybe something that was a possibility, not necessarily a peek into Rachel's future? Idk. Either way, good movie. Thanks Paul for directing your wife in something that properly showcased her talents why are you dead please haunt me please trap me in some weird in-between state via sleep paralysis and confirm or deny that threesome you supposedly had with Eartha Kitt and James Dean thanxxx sweetie thank you 

Here are my babies on the cover of Life promoting this movie like I just needed to post this look at them pleeeaasse

Also omg look at Pitty being a ~*~director~*~. Omg it's so cute!! I wonder what it was like on set like I wonder if they worked well together and every1 thought they were adorable or was it like a scary toxic dynamic like how I imagine Cassavetes/Rowland's dynamic was???? Either way I am so happy and want to die right now in this moment, when everything is perfect :") OMG AND THEIR DAUGHTER IS IN THIS AND SHE'S LIKE A PERFECT BLEND OF THEM BOTH AND HER FUCKINGNAME IS NELL PLEASE KILL ME IN MY SLEEEPZZZ