Oscars 2017

I've seen like two movies that were nominated lol. But that doesn't mean I don't have A LOT of opinions about the fuck all that is going on. If Blah La La Land wins (Which I DID NOT see), I'm going to...roll my eyes lol sike you thot it was that serious. But I def want Moonlight (Haven't seen, but WANT TO) to win because it just...should? Lol what if it's really bad and La La Land is uhmazing (doubt it)?? Idk who cares, but I took notes while watching because my life has no meaning. Turn up!!!!!!!!!!! 

So I have this red carpet pre-show shit on in the background............should I mute this? Why is Emma Roberts' crazy ass there? Lookin' just crazed lol. And now they have Leslie Mann on here and the interview guy told her 700 million people would be watching and she got all shook because she's presenting. Aint no 700 mili niggas watching this shit lol but I love Leslie she is so cute but white so prob racist lol.

Andrew Garf, my baby! I would die if he won but 1. Didn't see Whacksaw Ridge, so don't know if it's a good performance and 2. He won't? So. But he's amazing and I am so excited he's been finally nominated like he should've been all the way back to Boy A, BUT I'M SLEEP!! 

Wait I'm just remembering this bitch tried to drag Isabelle Huppert's outfit. How in one breath you gon' say French bitches have effortless, built-in style then drag her because she "underwhelmed" you? French style is all about understated sexiness like you sound dumb and she looks great smh I hate these red carpet losers

That little girl from Fences just said some cute shit and the interviewer dude paid her ass dust, I want to die this is so horrible...

THIS NIGGA JUST WRONGLY PRONOUNCED MYKELTI'S NAME AND THEN BROUGHT UP BUMBA GUMP TALKING ABOUT AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FILM. HOW????!! 

Terrence Howard's voice screams tiny, greasy penis.

AWWWWW Andrew Garf just awkwardly complimented the interview bitch I want to scream he is so cute and pure

John & Chrissy are mad annoying lol but cute but mostly annoying :')

Damien Chazelle is from Jersey, which is also where I'm from, so...I know he's a piece of shit. 

Loljk I loved Whiplash. I wonder if LLL is as good? Like Gosling is in it, but it's also...a musical. I like, maybe, three entire musicals lol so idk boutalladat. 

Denzel and his wife make me uncomfortable lol they always fighting. But anyway, Denze better win. Like Casey's rapin' ass prob will, but I hope veneers bae pulls an upset. 

Did you see Naomie Harris dragging her movie? lol is she a Capricorn? Lemme go check. Oh, a Virgo lol. Even worse, and makes super-sense!! 

I HATE Justin Timberlake. This is already SO FUCKING AWFUL!!! 

Is this the Grammy's bitch wtf

"I know you know this, Denzel" Boy, if u don't get ur cokehead ass off the stage...

I don't like Jimmy Kimmel. Lol I'm so sick how uninterested I am in mostly everything happening smh

I'm Mel Gibson's screaming internal rage smile waiting for the camera 2 get off my racist, crazy ass. 

They're referencing this Kimmel/Damon "beef" like everybody knows about this dumb shit..

Damn, drag this bitchboi...

Remember when that lady told Viggo every1 clapped the most for him? He was shook like u can tell he don't fuck with nobody lol it was so cute. 

Aw, remember when Dev was the ugly kid on Skins? lol. What a glo up. 

Yas first win for Moonlight which I haven't even seen!!!!!! :') Awwww he choking up so cuuuute pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzz

OJ Simpson, America's Sweetheart.

I love The Rock, but something seems lowkey wrong about him, right? Maybe it's the Hawaiian thing... lkijjnhbgbfvededtulonkmimoko

Yo, I've never seen Hamilton and never will, but........is it really a hip hopera about slaves? Lol ummm,m,mmmmmmmm

We at home don't care about the audience getting free snacks, but okay geaux aüf?? #hating&hungry

I really wanna see Arrival it looks lit and Amy is bae I just...hope she doesn't get fucked by an alien. #notready4that!!! 

Viola better win, LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Oh. if Naomie wins that's cool, too. BUT #VIOLA! Okay???? Damn, Naomie just slayed that clip hmmmmm 

I wanna see Manchester by the Sea but I feel weird cuz Casey a rapist. Imma just say I'm there for Michelle......

MY LONGEST YEA BOI FOR VIOLA, TURN UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

She looks so good in that red, smh. Yes, Viola's dramatic ass speech bitch slay I love you pleeeeeeeeeeeeez

I'm only half-watching this. I think imma tune out until an Important™ award comes up again. Wait, but can we talk about how The Apartment is mad boring? I hate when they hype dry ass old films. Like, This is a Classic™! Just because it's black & white don't mean it's lit, but I'm sleep!!!! 

Neaux uhfence........but pleez stop performing the nominated songs...

Awwww Gael's a tiny bb, and Hailee gave me the ultimate bop "Hell Nos & Headphones". I approve of these two presenters. 

Yo, I lowkey...fuck with Dakota Johnson??? Mmmm, for now. We'll see we'll see...

I'M THAT ONE GUY IGNORING THE WHITE CELEBRITIES!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay so I'm peeping Jimmy making repeat weird comments about ethnic names......... like, your name is Jimmy. What the fuck kind of name is that white bwoy

The Big Lebowski being like xanax is kind of a good description. 

My baby Riz!! We doing big things!!!! (lol who is "we" i need to die) omg Riz making that awkward comment about robots replacing actors idc if it was written on the teleprompt bitch that is sooooooo him 

I tried to watch The Jungle Book on Netflix but I thot I made a mistake and it was like one of those bad movies, so I turned it off. You know those bad movies u just randomly find on Netflix like....what is this. But apparently it's a ~legit~ film? Lol I guess I will try again sigh

I hate Seth Rogen like it's MY FUCKING JOB. Okay? Okay.

Okay Michael J come out and cleanse my palate of Seth's ugly, unfunny ass thank you. 

NO THE APPLAUSE IS NOT FOR YOU!!! lol i h8 him, sew much......

omg kill me pleaz

So La La Land not sweeping and, honestly? I feel alive. Anyway keep in mind I have never seen this movie but I know it's whack lol I just know it! I feel this in my brittle, calcium-deficient bones!! But wait, what's up with Hacksaw Ridge winning shit? Is that a good movie? I mean, Mel kind of delivers as a filmmaker, so maybe? We'll see!! 

Sunny Pawar is my soul and essence. I love his answers you can tell he just wants Jimmith to just GEAUX AWAY!!! 

Those "Mean Tweets" were kind of funny and the one about Miles was completely spot-on, but can we stop calling everyone who makes a not completely positive comment on the internet a "troll"? And I say this as a Legit Troll™, you are ruining our rep just lumping every1 in, thank u!!!!

John Legend to me is like if Martin Luther King had become a crooner instead of a civil rights activist and I don't know if that's a compliment or insult or complinsult. And also to whom it would be that for. 

Yo, lol I had NO IDEA Timberlake's song was nominated for an Oscie. I thot this nigga was just onstage dancing and singing for no motherfucking reason lol smfh. Still, I remain DISGUSTED. 

Rest in peace to the greatest actor of all time (Prince), who starred in the greatest cinematic achievement there ever was or EVER WILL BE (Purple Rain). 

Neaux uhfence, but.........when is this going off??? 

I cannot wait for this Feud show. It looks really bad though lol. And Jessica Lange as Joan? Mmmmm idk, girl. I love Jessica BUT I DON'T KNOW, GIRL!!!! 

This We Bought a Zoo gag....MIGHT be funny. "It's so...effort-full for him." I'm....gagging, tbh. Yo but this drag of Matty is too accurate for it to be "just jokes" I'm starting to peep game on Jimmy Bwoy lol

Do y'all think Ben and Matt fuck? It's prob mad dry and...hard lol. But can y'all believe these lunkheads have Oscars for WRITING? What a world! 

Kenneth Lonergan...like he makes movies where I am just like, okay... Like they're simultaneously massive and small and overly-complicated but ultra-basic and dry and boring but kind of interesting ultimately because so many negative things come together to make you want to watch? Kind of like Nicolas Cage but in movie form? Idk. 

 

All these clap claps for Amy BUT WHERE HER NOMS AND AWARDS? Fakes!! 

I...can't believe this is still on. 

Yo know what I'm annoyed about? Manchester by the Sea spoilers. Like now I know what happened with Casey's character and it seems like a major plot point? But that's nice of everyone to spill the tea before I could see it!!!

Also, why is Hacksaw Ridge giving me The Pacific teas? 

If Denz wins I'm throwing up!!

Mood is Denzel not caring about Casey talking about I "taught" him how to act. Boy, I don't know you......

This sucks though, I used to be a HUGE Casey stan and this win tonight would've made old Casey stan me feel SO EXCITED. Why niggas can't keep it together so I can love their work without feeling SICK TO MY STOMACH? Is it so hard? Ugh. 

Emma Stone being nominated for Best Actress and they show a clip of her being...exactly herself. Everything is white in the world. Right, I mean. RIGHT.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDNPINGN EMR THIS BLANK ASS WHITE FUCKING NON-ACTING ASS BTICH IUST WON BEST ACTRESS I'M FIN TO THROW UP AND FLING MY VOMIT AT THE SCREEN!! 

Ok, so my bitch ass got mad when they called La La Land 4 Best Pic, so I muted my TV & went to pee only to come back to see Warren Beatty's old ass done pulled a Steven Harvey and bitch I AM CHOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM CHOKING AT THE THOT OF THE LALALAND CREW GETTING UP TO GET THAT MUTHAFUCKING AWARD AND THEN HAVING TO SIT RIGHT THE MOTHERFUCK BACK DOWN BITCH GLORY BE PRAISE TO GOD OR SOME SHIT I FEEL SO ALIVE. This is extremely sad of me lol I have seen neither of these movies but boy oh boy, I am so happy. Now I just gotta actually see this movie to justify my stanning. Also gotta see La La Land to confirm it's basic. I know imma like it at least a little bit tho cuz I'm a Gosling stan...so I need to prepare to be THOROUGHLY EMBARRASSED FOR MINE SELF. But all in all, 2017 is already extremely lit, let's go. 

Rest in peace Bill Paxton. 

Double Platinum (1999)

Wow um. So the movie opens up on Diana Ross "singing" and...I don't know what to think. Maybe I think "Who decided Diana Ross could sing?". Maybe I think that. But only one time this whole movie. I don't even think this again when Diana's character is "coaching" Brandy through singing one of her songs. I think it's "Have You Ever". Diana Ross, who has an acquired taste voice just like Brandy, drags this braided hoe by what is left of her edges, and honestly: I felt alive. I felt alive even though I thought at the beginning of the movie "Wow why is this happening?" at Diana Ross singing. I never thought that at Brandy's singing once in the movie, even though Olivia King was totally right by saying Brandy--I mean, Kayla Harris--sings through her nose and sometimes sounds like she has shit in her mouth. I still got my life at Diana Ross--I mean ~Olivia King~--trying to tell Brandy how to sing. I could watch that scene a million fucking times in a row and never not get my life. Do you understand? GOOD.

So, GOD!, Double Platinum is like A Star Is Born meets All About Eve colored with Rose-Art crayons, written by Caillou. Diana Ross plays a woman named Olivia King who's a singer, and she, as her husband would say, "has her little shows". Diana Ross performs a song at one of her little shows and, like I said, I was confused as to why. But apparently some A&R dude in the audience saw the performance and liked it. Okay. This dude is like to Olivia, "Come to New York and be a STAR!". Cool. Not so cool? Olivia has a kid and husband and stuff.

Olivia's shitty husband is played by deep-voiced lightskin Brian Stokes Mitchell, who I think was Trevor #1 on Fresh Prince and also plays the husband of the woman Tyrell (Elliot??) choked to "Two Weeks" on Mr. Robot. Good call making Olivia's douchey hubby be a lightskin. We didn't need an Isaiah Washington type in here looking like he was gonna Ike Turner this hoe. Also that would've taken shine away from MISS DIANA ROSS. But...girl. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE TWO CARAMEL DEW DROPS BIRTHING BRANDY'S BLACK CINDERELLA ASS?! Girl okay lol. Brandy playing Diana Ross' daughter is such a motherfucking stretch. You can just tell this was when Brandy was really hot and some businessy people were like I KNOW! NEW HOT THANG BRANDY UP AGAINST OLD HOT THANG DIANA ROSS! BRILLIANT! It's like...pleez. And to talk about not being totally creative...what was with Brandy singing her own songs instead of songs being written for the movie? And I'm pretty sure Diana Ross sung old songs as well? Lol how fucking lazy. Like if you're gonna do this, do this whole DIANA ROSS VERSUS BRANDY thing, go all the way the fuck in. This shit was tepid as fuck like what a missed opportunity.

Lol but anyway! Sigh, I was tryna go over this shitty plot what the fuck was I bitch ass talking about? Oh, D. Ross' lightskint unsupportive husband. So Olivia tells her boo they want her to go to New York so she can be Blackbra Streisand or whatever. He's like "lol". Which, yikes. Also when she comes home from her show he's like playing cards with his bros and is like really rude and dismissive of Olivia. So we as an audience are right away ready for her to leave his ass, even before she tells him about New York and he in so many words tells her to quiet her singing mouth and make him a sandwich. 

I...don't support Olivia just dipping on her kid lol. I could find it in myself to support her going out to New York for a while, getting things in order, coming back to her kid, and then going back out to do blah blah whatever. It's weird how she just...stays away lol wtf. She just like...never comes back. 

OKAY WAIT. So Olivia dips on baby Kayla to go fulfill her dreams. Okay fast-forward eighteen years and we see Brandy like singing and dancing in some dry cleaners her father has her working in. He's all about BLUE COLLAR. Girl anyway lol. So Kayla wins some radio contest to go see a concert. MY STUPID ASS SAYS "She better had not won a ticket to see Olivia". Why am I so dumb? But I was honestly CACKLING that she won a contest to see her fucking mom in concert. Like how sad. A few things:

1. Kayla does not know THE Olivia King, whom she's a fan of, is her mom. So she's just in the audience like a dummy enjoying the concert like this isn't the woman who abandoned her eighteen years ago

2. I liked Diana Ross' performance. Her singing is still...iffy, though. Also her dress was too heavy-looking. Diana Ross looks like she weighs eight ounces.

3. Olivia set up the contest so Kayla would win. Is this a cute way to tell the daughter you abandoned eighteen years ago that you're her mom OR NAH??

So Kayla goes backstage to meet Olivia and instead of Olivia RIGHT AWAY telling this bitch she's her mom, she fucking takes her out to dinner. DOES SHE TELL HER AT DINNER THAT SHE'S HER MOM? lol!! Kayla at one point during the dinner brings up how she doesn't have a mom and Olivia reacts like "aw 2 bad so sad 4 u, sweetie:(". Lol BITCH IF U DON'T TELL HER YOU'RE HER MOM AND U LEFT HER ASS!! No, instead!!! Olivia tells Kayla she'll go see her show. This family and their little shows smh.

Olivia finally spills the tea after Kayla's show. So, you know, good timing?? And so begins Diana Ross I mean Olivia King lowkey making everything all about her even when it's supposed to be Brandy I mean Kayla's moment.

WHY COME BRANDY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER DAD THE VERY NIGHT OLIVIA REVEALS SHE'S HER MOM?? Hmm?? She like just runs upstairs and when her dad is all "How'd it go??" she just says fine or whatever?? 

NUMBER ONE! Who would just immediately believe Olivia? I know I wouldn't! I'd think that Hollywood bitch was crazy, and tryna get in my draws. ALSO I'D ASK MY DAD WHY THE FUCK HE NEVER TOLD ME OLIVIA KING WAS MY MOM!!?!??! lol okay Kayla eventually confronts him but it's way too delayed in my opinion like what the fuck. 

ANYWAY FAST FORWARD TO OLIVIA BRINGING KAYLA TO NEW YORK TO MAKE HER A STAR! When Olivia tells Kayla she wants to bring her to NY, Kayla barks back "Is it because I'm good, or is it because you feel guilty?". Olivia is all "It's because you're good, and because I feel guilty". Girl...it's because you feel guilty, full stop. Kayla singing pre-recorded Brandy tracks was not enough to convince you she's a ~star~ STOP THE MALARKEY.

So Kayla like immediately becomes a star in NY after she drops "Have You Ever" (plz) as a single. Olivia and Kayla aren't on very good terms, though, because Kayla is still pissed about the whole her mom abandoned her for eighteen years and became a huge star and like never wrote her any letters or sent her a fucking t-shirt or some shit thing. Olivia tries to have a say in Kayla's career under the guise of "protecting" her. I believe Olivia was trying to look out for her daughter, but it also sometimes seemed like something else. I def thought Olivia was more trustworthy than the douchebaggy manager dude Allen Payne played. Allen Payne was mad annoying here lol. Just being extra for no reason. He was painted too broadly with the SNAKE brush lol. Like obvi he'd betray Kayla. OKAY BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THIS STUPID BITCH HAD THE FUCKING CHECK FROM THE TABLOID HE SOLD KAYLA'S ~SECRET~ TO IN HIS GODDAMN PANTS?! Bitch! lol pleez. 

Oh I forgot to say how Kayla didn't want anyone to know Olivia King was her mom so she'd be able to develop a career just off her talent but blah blah she wanted to be stupid and get mixed up with a lightskin, so she got what she deserved lol. 

At this point of Kayla discovering ~RiC OrTEgA~*~ has betrayed her confidence, I think she and Olivia are on the outs because Kayla had done some Brandy cosplay at the Grammy party, but Olivia stole her moment singing, I believe, "Carry On". You can't ever beat "Carry On", not even a weak Diana Rossed version. Too bad so sad lol. But after the Ric thing, Kayla leaves NY and goes out to the Adirondacks or wherever the fuck Olivia is, and is all "I had nowhere else to go". lol what are you talking about? Like she got kicked out her home or something smh. 

BUT ANYWAY! Olivia and Kayla have some ugly bonding session out in the woods. Can we briefly talk about Brandy's acting? NOT GOOD. Not. Good. Especially when she has to do ~EMOTION~, which, is, like, always. Like anytime, because it's acting lol. Check no juliet to her having to do anything heavy. Also her doing ~anger~ is really embarrassing. I like Brandy for some reason, and like I loved Moesha, but jesus. Lol just jesus. Diana Ross...also not a great actress. However, for some reason I cannot accurately pinpoint, I do like watching her onscreen. She's just fascinating obviously. She's obviously more style over substance, but that's fine with me sometimes. She's very like glam, and then she has that Michael Jackson voice, and her teeth and her little bird head idk...I just like watching her. However her and Braid Head's ~emotional~ scenes were a no. Like Kayla confronting Olivia about why she abandoned her was just a complete wrong.

But it only got worse when they started working on a song together. And then...when they performed it together. The movie ends with Olivia and Kayla singing the song Olivia wrote for Kayla to sing. It's 1. a terrible song and 2. an awkward, boring ass performance.

Wait, but in these two screenshots I took, can you tell the audience is like falling into a coma?

Look at Christine Ebersole. She's like..."I have to shit...please stop." And Harvey Fierstein has his hands politely folded like this isn't the loudest, most flaming nigga on the planet - PLEASE! And then the movie just...ends. Unlike my life. 

Who Killed Teddy Bear (1965)

Okay...lol, where to even fucking begin. This movie is almost a Masterpiece of Shit, but it's neither a ~masterpiece~, nor really that shit. I mean, it's bad, but not masterpiece-bad. It's too b-movie. Also this movie was kind of lowkey genuinely entertaining, which took it from "no, girl", to you squinting at it and trying to find the positives. This deserves to exist maybe. 

So the movie is about...sigh, idek. Basically, I guess, Sal Mineo harassing some bitch on the phone while he in his draws. This movie is annoying because it tries to be ~suspenseful~ and ~mysterious~, like we don't fucking know right away it's Lawrence callin' Norah up *rolls eyes*. The movie tries to make it seem like it's the Lieutenant at first. It was almost 99% obvious that it was not the cop, BUT, YO, he was mad creepy, too, right? I mean! 

1. Why he ask if Norah was a prostitute at the police station? He tried to imply she had the ~look~. What - being a woman? lol fucking bitch. Then he wouldn't give her a ride home? OKAY! That's wild because we find out his whole backstory with his wife being murdered and all that sob story bs - why would you send a vulnerable woman home in a cab instead of seeing for yourself that she gets home safe? Oh. But I think he didn't know about her secret phone calls yet. He was denying her a ride when he thought she was just some disposable whore. Then he switched it up when he found out she had some pervert shit going on that his weird, obsessed ass could salivate over. Oh, I guess now she can get a ride home, huh? Bitch. lol

2. Okay, so Norah not a prostitute - I guess that mean she a virgin? lol why? cuz she not out here with her whole fallopian tubes out, swinging them around to attract suitors? lol I know this mess takes place in the sixties, but come on now! And even if Norah is "pure", idk what business it was of the Lieutenant's? Like, why did he keep bringing it up? And why when he was being mad inappropriate and creepy in Norah's apartment did he try to say some shit like YOU VIRGINS THINK EVERY MAN WANTS A GO AT YOU?? 

First of all, playboy: the lieutenant doth protest too much. You doing the absolute most for a nigga who's supposed to be representing the anti-creep. Though I liked how the movie called him out on the fact that he was basically the same as the creeps he was studying and trying to lock up. However, I don't feel they appropriately addressed his creepy insertion in Norah's life. Yeah, sure, he's the lesser of two evils. Get strangled by Sal Mineo physically, or strangled by the cop emotionally? Which would you choose? Yeah, no. Strangled by Sal physically, yeah I fucked up on that one my bad. 

3. What was up with this nigga's grown ass looking daughter? Mommy replacement much? Am I projecting? Why was her hair always perfectly coifed when she stayed in the bed? Weird. 

So anyway, I've made a lot of mistakes. As did this movie. The number one mistake it made was coming into existence. Nah, I kid (I don't). There are some gems here. 

For instance, Sal Minny. Bae Mineo. Stop - please. I call him Baby Brando in my head. Ideky, real Baby Brando is like Tom Hardy. Sal just gives me...stocky, Roman teas I guess idk lol. I'm annoyed that Sal was killed, even though I guess his career was flatlining at that point? Please, he could've made a comeback. Some stan like me would have become a director and put his short ass in a movie. It aint over til it's over! Girl...he died. I gotta get it together smh

Anyway!! *cries* I liked Sal here in Who Killed Teddy Bear. He was creepy, but with ~layers~. I was almost lowkey rooting for him to get with Norah, until I remembered all the stalking and murdering shit - yikes. Wait, but he could've gotten with her! If he wasn't such a fucking freak. But I guess that's just it: he was. Wait, but wtf was the explanation for why he was a loon? There was some lunkhead ass backstory bullshit with him playing with his little sister, and then...some random woman walks by (I assumed it was his mom for some reason?) and Sal gets up to go fuck her?? (hope it wasn't his mom?!) and then as he's smashing this broad/his mom, his little sister sees. Fast-forward to her falling down the stairs and becoming brain damaged, I guess. Who killed teddy bear? Sal, I suppose? Nah, I blame his sister for being a clumsy bitch and falling down them stairs. Also, nosy. You was a nosy ho, and now you got mental retardation. Congratulations!! 

This movie is a trip. No pun intended!! lol anyway please end my life

Elaine Stritch is here! You ever be watching an old ass movie and go "Is that Elaine Stritch?". It's fun. You can do it with Cloris Leachman, too. I just know Elaine as being like the oldest bitch ever, so it was wild seeing her here be still the oldest fucking bitch alive lol I'm screaming. She was a joy here, though, obviously. I wondered if she was improv-ing lines? Because sometimes she would say stuff and Juliet Prowse would be awkward. Or was that just Norah being a VIRGIN and Marian being a LESBIAN??

lol can. we. talk. about. Marian rubbing all over Norah, talkin' bout some "let it out, baby"??? That was WILD!! lol ideky. It just was. BUT I'M MAD THE LESBIAN GOT MURDERED 2.2 seconds after revealing herself. lol, this movie refused to keep the Scissor Sister alive. Smh, be more cliché, honestly. 

Aight, my stupid ass is about to post up some pics I screenshot/stole from the interwebs. Who reads this blog? How much pain are you in? I hope it's a lot.

Girl... Norah and Lawrence dancing was the worst, most awkward, seizurey ass shit I dun ever saw. Like, I'm upset. You expect me to take this movie seriously with this mess up in here? WRONG! 

LAWD! When...omg lol. I'm still laughing. Lt. Dave slapping THE FUCKING SOUL out of Lawrence is the wildest shit I have ever seen in a movie. I take back what I said about Marian being a lesbian and rubbing her lesbian germs on pure, innocent snow angel Norah. This^ was the ultimate wildest shit. He was slapping this nigga around so violently I thought he was gonna start pooping. He probably did. That's prob why he ran out like a little bitch. But what was the gunshot as the movie ended? It could've been any gunshot. What kind of misuse of Chekov's gun smh. Also, what's up with the title song? Why would you make a creepy ass song like that? Imma just need for all the sixties to be deleted. What a throwaway decade. 

What was up with this deaf/mute bodyguard person for the nightclub? It was really random. Was it just the movie's many pieces of flair? Like how the lieutenant had a nanny for his daughter just so the bitch could bring her some water even though he right there and could get it for her himself??? I guess he too busy being creepy and listening to tapes of women explain how they're being harassed by men on the phone.

Anyway, gimme the sequel showcasing how fucked up Lt. Dave's daughter is in ten years :')

Green Chair (Love Conceptually) (2013)

Um. What was this movie about? I saw this like three months ago and...just could not write about it. And now that I have the energy and audacity to try to tackle this shit, I dun forgot the whole fucking plot and everything that happened :) I am blessed. 

What I remember: woman in her thirties is an art teach I think and a newly divorced...divorcée? She's like...a little depressed and trying to build her life back together after separation? She's living on her own anddd she's having some casual sex. Okay, cool. The woman was presented as very...like, damaged? A fucking mess. Lowkey highkey sloppy af. Like, why was she blowing that old professor of hers?????? She was just doing a lot for a bitch nearly in her forties. But I guess it was sort of...sigh, idk. It was different to see a woman at an age where society expects you to start having your shit fully together, not have...any of her shit together. Possibly she built her life and identity around being married, but realized that shit wasn't her...and now she has to start all over. This has been explored in movies, but at the same time it still feels like a taboo subject? To explore this ugliness, sadness and loneliness woman experience, particularly to ~women of a certain age~. Like, typically a movie about a woman finding herself at this age, and in the manner in which the woman does it in this movie, it's couched in a comedy, but she still gets the guy in the end :)

She got the guy in the end in Green Chair...but it wasn't really a comedy. It was kind of intense, for a...Korean indie. Also, the guy the woman gets is...precisely twelve years old??? 

And then the end has the twelve year old doing a voiceover like "AND THAT'S HOW I MET MY WIFE :)!" 

...

Okay...

I don't even know what my review can be lol. This movie was sort of boring to me? Besides the sex scenes, which aren't even really gratuitous, but I was lowkey like, "Okaaaaayyyy" lol. That's niiiiiiice. But it was weird tho because the woman is fucking her student?? And he's mad young. Yes, he pursues her, but...didn't Jorge pursue Mary Kay? Like, that doesn't make it alright. And also you as the teacher are supposed to be like, "Whoa hold up." So I felt weird about ol' girl smashing this kid. And in the classroom? Like, bye. Actually they stopped right before he penetrated or whatever BUT THEY WERE STILL GETTING BUCK NAKED IN THE ROOM WITH THE LIGHTS ON AND EVERYTHING LIKE GOODNIGHT MOON!! 

Why was the movie called Green Chair? Or is it Love Conceptually? Love Conceptually I get because there was like this ugly ~art theme~, but what is Green Chair? She dreamed of a green chair or some mess, right? Sigh, idk, bye. 

???: Hausu (1977)

Girl, what??

I have no idea. The most I could figure out:

There's a girl named Gorgeous, and she has like four friends: Mac (greedy fatty), Prof (wears glasses), Melody (plays the fucking piano), and Kung Fu (guess). The four girls are off to some camp or something, right? But Gorgeous is going on a separate vacay with her father. That all changes when--REAL QUICK CAN WE TALK ABOUT THEIR CREEPY PROBABLY TOTALLY INCESTUOUS CHEMISTRY??!?! No? Okay, fine, I'm over it anyway. SO INITIALLY GORGEOUS IS GOING on vacay with her daddy, but then at the last minute he springs on her that a special guest will be joining them. Gorgeous is excited like "Who??" and then this nigga brings out some soap operay looking vaguely asiany looking dream sequencey looking fantasy bitch who, like, literally glides into the room, and is accompanied by her own wind machine and shit. And she's wearing like billowy curtains as a dress? Girl. And the dad has the audacity to be like "This yo new mommy". Gorgeous isn't having it and checks no juliet on the rsvp card. She'll go to camp or whatever with her friends. 

EXCEPT! Camp is cancelled. For...some reason. The teacher guy said a thing, right? That dusty dude--Oh, I forgot Fantasy!! How could I forget Fantasy she was the one I decided I'd be. Or...I'd be a mix of Mac and Fantasy, I guess. With a sprinkling of that crazy aunt. Lol @ "sprinkling" when I am lowkey actually the whole 64 oz. tub dumped straight in, BUT ANYWAY! 

So anyway!!! Fantasy has a crush on that dusty teacher dude. What does this have to do with anything? BITCH. I DO NOT KNOW. But the camp thing is deaded. Until...Gorgeous gets this idea to visit her aunt???? Or I think she was missing her aunt and wrote her and the--NO, GORGEOUS WROTE THE AUNT THAT SHE WANTED TO VISIT WITH HER FRIENDS. That's the thing that happened, correct? Sigh. I'm not even getting confused by the actual confusing stuff, I'm just...I just have ADD and my mind is the mind of a squirrel, except I lack the fortitude and self-control to store nuts in my cheek for longer than any seconds that's what she said.

:(

Backstory on the aunt? Uhhh so. She was in love with--FIRST OFF, Gorgeous' mom is dead, who is...DUH...the aunt's sister. So backstory on, sigh, that. The aunt lost her sister. Okay. But before that she had a boo but he went off to Army and was killed and after that she became a recluse; basically Japanese Miss Havisham. Which means instead of some cobwebbed-haired and vagina looking ol' bitty, you get to stunt on hoes, ie:

Look at this ol' spinstery, no man having, never leaving the house ass goddess. KILLIN' EVERY BITCH IN THE GAME!!! 

When the girls show up at the aunt's hausu is when the movie really popped off for me. The first twenty minutes or so I was just slack-jawed and contemplating every few seconds "Should I turn this off?". What would I have watched instead? Something dumb, and easy, with no subtitles, b. That was making me feel hella basic and slow, so I decided to soldier on. And I'm glad because if I had turned it off I would have never met my queen^. I just really loved everything about the aunt right away immediately and couldn't wait for her to start eating those little hoes. And I liked the girls. They were all very cute. Especially Gorgeous, right? Like, what an apt nickname. But all of them were just so...snuggly!! Ugh, kill me. Even the ugliest, Mac. They were calling her fat and I was like "aw, only to Asians :')". So cute! But lowkey I can't wait for you all to be gobbled up by this weird ass, fake-crippled witch bitch!! 

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE AUNT JUST GETTING UP OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR!!! I screamed for one hundred thousand million years. And one of the girls was like "...You can walk?". This reminded me of a Wheels & the Legman-centric episode of American Dad. I think their first outing. Look at what I'm doing right now. Why can't I focus? Sigh, when is TBS airing the new season of American Dad ugh they get on my nerves because I'm too lazy to check their scheduling. How dare they not respect their viewers by telepathically relaying scheduling information they're too lazy to Google, directly into their brains?!?! BUT I FUCKING DIGRESS!! Like. Her getting up out that wheelchair had me rollin'. Really everything the aunt did had me crying. She was mad obviously a cannibalistic witch, and I wonder why the girls ignored all those redflags. LIKE HER GETTING OUT OF THE WHEELCHAIR. It was so blatantly ignored. SHE JUST WALKED UP OUT OF IT. Omg and then her talking about how her dad used to kill people in that room or something? THEY FOUND A SKELETON AND JUST STARTED LAUGHING INSTEAD RUNNING CLEAR ACROSS THE FUCKING CONTINENT. Since when? Since when the damn do u find a skeleton in someone's home and laugh instead of turning into one yourself from shock because why is a skeleton just straight up chillin' in this bitch's living room??? And then how weird she was about the fridge!!! AND THEN WHEN SHE WAS EATING AND SHOWED FANTASY THAT EYEBALL IN HER MOUTH!! 

Look. I get that Fantasy ~imagines things~, but come on!! What a cheap, like, plot device thingy. Oh, Fantasy so happens to be the one to see all the crazy shit--WAIT NOW HOLD UP! CAUSE ALL THESE BITCHES SAW THAT HO RISE UP FROM THE ASHES OF THAT GODDAMN WHEELCHAIR LIKE SHE'D JUST BEEN BLESSED BY THE HOLY SPIRIT. She just easy breezy deezy stood up out that chair and not a single bitch screamed or even got an attitude like, "Ho, we been pushin' u around in this shit and everything...???". 

Yo, whatever. Lol like I'm mad they just kept ignoring so much obvious shit. Mad for no reason because this movie is not based in reality in anyway. It's like a fantasy horror comedy and, honestly, they could've had this bitch fucking levitate out that chair, look straight into the camera, and reveal where Tupac's hiding cave is and I would've had to just accept that. And lowkey she did most of that and I was sitting there watching like "smh", taking this movie at face value when it's literally about a house eating people. Like, okay girl @ me. 

This movie was amusing. At first I was struggling to care, then my goddess appeared and I got into it. I'd recommend anyone watch this, but I still walked away like..."what?". The thing with the aunt and Gorgeous sort of reminded me of...that Burt Reynolds movie...The Maddening. In that movie Angie Dickinson's sister "disappeared" and she and ol' toupée head imprisoned some stranger bitch to act as her...replacement. Angie's character definitely starts calling the replacement by her sister's name and shit. So...the aunt lured Gorgeous to her home to...replace...her sister? Okay, coooool. But what was the house eating thing about? Her grief concerning the dead beaux??? Idk, man. And then...what's gonna happen to ol' wind machine billowy curtains dress? She showed up at the end all soft lit and Vaseline covered lens and I was lowkey shipping her and Gorgeous, buttttttt...I'm pretty sure she's gonna get ate. Ah well.

WAS THE FLUFFY WHITE CAT GORGEOUS' MOM IN SPIRIT???

I'm so slow and want to die. 

DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEE!!!!!!

Hot Mess Express, Next Stop: Maps to the Stars (2014)

ugh

Um. 

I...idk. 

I almost made this a Masterpiece of Shit Theater episode, but...there was something very not masterpiece about how shitty this movie was. Hence the new category: Hot Mess Express ugh kill me die. Also, the movie wasn't...as shitty as it could be, despite an actual character setting themself on fire and it looked as fake as that CGI in Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. There were also at least two Degrassi cast members here and...like...like I don't like seeing "actors" from Degrassi in real movies because it's like real world human beings acknowledging that show as something legitimate, which it very much is not. If Degrassi is on your resume, you don't have a resume as far as I'm concerned no shade I love you Degrassi but you're terrible let's keep it 100%. 

AlsoAlso! This movie was too fucking Canadian for my tastes. Like, it was supposed to be about Hollywood and all that bullshit, right? Which is very ~American EAGLE SOUNDS REGANOMICS UNITED STATES~~. However, this movie was just...so not Americany. First of all, a lot of the actors were not American. Like out of everyone, only Julianne Moore and John Cusack--who looks Canadian or like an Asian doing Michael Myers cosplay--were American? And then you have Mia Wasikowska doing her ~ameRican ACCent~ sounding very like posh Valley Girl? What is that? I mean, I guess?? Maybe the Weiss fam was supposed to be Canadian? Because like Benjie was modeled after Justin Bieber, right? Fine, but ugh. Fine. The Weiss family can be expats because Hollywood is full of them and I guess that's very. But miss me with the name Havana Segrand. Like, that's so Canadian. American movie stars have like okie doke ass names. Brad, Ben, George. Wait those are all dudes. Who's a woman star? Angelina Jolie. Hmmm okay that's...sort of French. Angelina's excused tho cuz she's Hollywood royalty and of course she wouldn't have a proper name! Oh...wait...so was Havana...I guess...what with her mom being like some indie acting legend or whatever bullshit. Okay, so, I guess. But okay why was her ~rival~ named Starla Gent? And she looked so...so Canadian and redheaded gah idk everything just seemed so off. Like Bizarro World America, which is how all Canadian productions seem and I could just tell this was made by a Canadian okay and it was just fucking off. But maybe that was the point? Don't ever have that be the point. 

This movie was a fucking mess from beginning to end. I enjoyed some aspects, though. Like, I thought there were some legit funny moments. Like Benjie calling that little kid actor a "piece of shit". Benjie in general was sort of really killing me in a mostly good way? S I GH. Also I died screaming when Stafford started punching his daughter in the gut. WHO...WHO DOES THAT?! HE JUST STARTED PUNCHING HER IN THE STOMACH I'M SCREEEEAAAMINNNNG. I thought it was very white people and Hollywood of Stafford and Christina the way they reacted to their daughter. Christina being "scared" of Agatha? Lol um. Okay, yeah, she set the house on fire. But she was eleven. And deranged. Like, I get being afraid, but she was also a kid and also your daughter and like who just sends their kid off to a mental asylum and never visits them wtf?? Or did they feel guilty about Agatha being a product of incest and...like just didn't want those bad vibes around messing up their...neat little situation? Also, what was up with the incest stuff?? I love incest stuff (sometimes), but here it was weird. Like it was called out in the movie "Oh, incest is so tired!", but then...there were like threads of it all over the actual film??? And yeah, you're right, it is tired. Nothing new was being done here so...like was it a satire about...incest themes or?? I felt like Cronenberg was trying to do something....wait - was he implying...Hollywood is the way it is because...everyone's...in some way a product or victim of incest? Lol, sure. Fine. I'll buy it. 

I sort of loved Julianne Moore here, I think. I haven't seen Still Alice yet, but lowkey I feel like she should've won the Oscar for this mess instead of that. Like, she was doing everything, and it was sort of amazing. She played Havana sort of like if Lindsay Lohan lives past forty. Though, Havana seems to have slightly more clout than Lindsay. Like, she's getting auditions and getting considered for things, at least. And she doesn't seem to be a crackhead. I mean, in spirit, yes, but never once in the movie does she inhale crack drugs. I think. Does she? No, right? Probably coke at least. And like diarrhea tablets from Whole Foods? What are...diarrhea tablets, sweetie :)?

I liked Mia, too. I mean, I always do, I think. She's intriguing. I'm confused about everything concerning her character, though. First of all, why was everyone acting like she was some psycho insane burned up ass freak? Like, she was, but not to the extent everyone was acting? Like her burns weren't even that bad? I would just mistake it for bad skin? But the dude on the set of that sci-fi show is like GET SOME COLOR ON YOUR UGLY ALIEN MAKEUP. lol, please and no. And then Havana asks Robert Pattinson's skull what's in it for him, romancing Agatha? And it's like...um, sex and she's cute? Like??? She's not fucking Rocky Dennis - what is everyone's damage? 

Okay and like what was that shit with her brother? Was she in love with him? And what was that chant thing they kept saying? And what was the whole tie-in when they got "married" at the end? And there was like a "map" to the stars HAHA GET IT. No, seriously, what was the entire actual fucking point of this movie? Clearly, many things went over my head. Do you think if I tweeted at Carrie Fisher and asked her "wtf??" she'd explain things? I don't want her to like...invite me to her house, though. What if she plays me "Hearts and Bones" and explains in a "comical" and "poetic" way about how Paul Simon wouldn't let her do anal on him? Sigh, I think...I'll...just go to my grave not knowing (or, caring, really) wtf this movie was trying to say. I'm good.

I think I hated how Matthew Weiner wrapped up Mad Men??

1. I hate everything. Hating is like a fucking hobby for me at this point, so maybe I just hated it...because I had to. Because I'm essentially Bane at this point in my life? But like with a healthy sprinkling of The Joker thrown in?? Like I just want to watch the world burn and also hello darkness my old friend. Wow, can you believe how terrible Ben Affleck will be as Batman like what is Hollywood doing omg have you seen promo posters for Suicide Squad jesus fucking kill me

2. Mad Men officially ended idk how long ago but I only just a few days ago finished watching the episodes. Because it wasn't a priority. What was a priority? Old episodes of The Life & Times of Tim on YouTube???? Like omg all of them are there! ugh watch they get pulled now i am so d u m b

So I really liked Mad Men, possibly even loved it. I didn't watch it when it first premiered, like 98% of people. It was getting a bunch of hype and I'm a sheep so I decided to binge the first seaz on Netflix and I was like "yeah boy!" and was pretty hooked ever since. It's definitely been my jam for a minute and I'm a little sad to see it go, but it ended at a good time, I think. Though...ugh. The way it was ended. Smh. 

Over the years, I guess just from getting older, I started to notice how like heavy-handed and obvious Mad Men could be. Like what metaphors golly gosh, you know? After Don's 1 millionth fucking speech I was like...alright. Smh @ Megan. Smh @ the story of some lame middle-aged white dude being made to seem super existential and like deep and stuff. Lol. Why were there like a lot of side characters I didn't care about who got a ton of screentime??? Why was every single one of Don's ~~paramours~~ totally insignificant except you could tell Matt Weiner didn't realize they were??? Like...just the more I watched over the years, the more problems I noticed about the show. Like: am I supposed to hate Betty??? lol when she was one of the few common-sense having characters on the show??? lollolol. And how many fucking Bobbys were there??? I mean!! Why didn't you just Judy Winslow his ass?? Like he could not have been more irrelevant and what is that other kid's name??? The smaller blonde one? Whose son was he again? Also is he a she? Is he or she's name Trinny??? 

Wait - what was my point? Sigh. I think I was saying that I loved Mad Men but that I started noticing faults over time and blah blah blah okay but what does--I guess I was trying to do some lead-in to complain about the messy way Weiner ended the series??? Sigh I'll just talk about all the individual ways he fucked up each major character and no I don't include that nigga with the eyepatch as a major character like what is his name and why wasn't he killed off circa the Duck years. Also, who is Duck???

-Pete

Um. I really loved Pete all the way through the series and I can't believe Kartheiser was never nominated for any major acting awards like didn't fucking January Jones get nominated at least once? WHAT THE FUCK. 

I...didn't like Pete's ending. I mean I guess I should be happy for him? But his ending rang false. Like, really? The fairytale ending for Pete fucking Campbell? lol okay. Why the fuck would cute ass Trudy, who could get any nigga and/or bitch, take him back?? There's literally no reason. He is not cute or charming and his hairline should be submitted to scientists posthumously for fucking research. Like wow I love Pete but only as a character who is a fucking mess and horrible and the worst and never says anything good and didn't he rape a chick at least once on the show??? And did or did not Trudy know about it????? OKAAAAAAAAAY IF YOU SAYYYY SOOOOO MATTHEW WEINER YOU FANTASY FUCKING FULFILLING PIECE :) OF :) SHIT:)

-Betty/Sally/Glen

Let's talk about the three worst actors of all time/this series/life. And how awkward, because Betty and Glen are two of my favorites lol. CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN GLEN WALKED THROUGH THAT DOOR AND I WAS LIKE TO MYSELF ALONE IN THE DARK "LOL IS THAT GLEN?" LIKE I WAS MAKING A JOKE TO MYSELF BECAUSE HOW COULD THAT LANKY, WEIRD-HEADED MESS BE GLEN AND THEN IT TURNED OUT TO ACTUALLY BE GLEN AND I THREW UP IN MY LAP. And that whole exchange with him and Betty - actually, both exchanges. S c r e a m i n g. I hate Matthew Weiner - like way to do nepotism the actual worstest, secretly bestest way. Also, Glen is totally dying in the war, right? Like, there's no way he'd survive. Or, no, okay. He'd either die super horribly and immediately from some accident probably he caused, or, he'd go through the whole war without a scratch and then come home and get stung by a bee and Thomas J-style die from that. I called it and plz give me a Glen spinoff this isn't a fucking joke.

Right. So fuck Matt Weiner for giving Betty cancer. I seriously thought her arc was going to end with that weird goodbye scene with Glen and I laughed because how dumb to conclude a character like that but wait there are dumber, lazier ways - I KNOW! CANCER!! :DDDDD!!!!! Like, eyeroll. I'm happy that the message was very anti-smoking, as this is an #antismokingblog all the way, but I really feel it was more about Matt Weiner feeling like he needed to punish Betty? For being perfect and always having great hair, I guess? Sigh

And so I guess Sally will end up having to watch after her brothers forever? Because like obviously Henry is useless and who knows about this aunt and uncle. Like ugh she was going to Spain and now her mom is dying and her dad is going to become like one of those creepy yoga cult leaders and the cycle starts anew, I guess??? I hate this show. But also let's just talk about how Kiernan can't act and I'm gonna need for ppl to stop acting like she can okay thankx this is a pro bully underage girls trying their best blog. 

-Roger 

Was I ever like fully invested in Roger? No. He was charming, I guess? And John Slattery is hot, so...that was nice...to have. But had he been killed off at any point, I would've been entirely fine. I liked his ending, though. Lol his was like the only one. He deserves Marie, and I mean that in like...I guess there's a bad way to say someone deserves someone and a good way and...I mean both. Can we talk about how cute Julia Ormond is and why the fuck isn't she in more shit? Like she slayed in Legends where the fuck is her career??? And she's totally ready for ~*~older women~*~ parts like has anyone fucking seen Temple Grandin? Has anyone seen her in this I mean come on get that Julianna Margulies bitch out of my face and replace her with Smilla's Sense of Snow like honestly Hollywood is so wrong about everything

-Joan

My babe!! Joan slayed til the end, which is good. I feel like this show tried to come for Joan on multiple occasions, but they failed every time. Good. I took issue with her beau played by my beau Bruce Greenwood just dipping on her because she wanted to start a business. I honestly don't believe he would've just left like that??? Like, who would leave Joan??? Come on. But O K A Y WHAT EV E R YOU S A Y. I liked that she was getting her new production company up immediately and I also liked that she did it without Peggy because Joan didn't need Peggy and also their fake-ass, frenemy-ish relationship doesn't seem like it'd be a good idea to turn it into a business one. So...I guess I liked Joan's ending? With the exception of Bruce Greenwood leaving lol because in what fucking world. Also can we talk about how Joan's mom had no screentime in the last eps? I thought the actress who played her maybe died or something but there she was in the finale and I screamed lol. I don't even care about her, it was just weird to me that the babysitter got more screentime than this bitch. Like - doesn't the mom take care of Joan's kid full-time lol why couldn't she have been the one...--LIKE JOAN CALLED HER FROM THE HOTEL WHY WASN'T THERE A CUT TO HER LIKE WHEN JOAN CALLED THE SITTER AND THERE WAS A CUT TO THE SITTER?????? So bizarre. Only to me though probably siiigh

-Peggy

Remember when I hated Peggy so much and now I have no idea why??? Like I can't even really remember that time of my life when I hated Peggy like that shit was my fucking job. All I remember is fat suit and baby bangs, maybe??? But I definitely did hate her, and then...idk what season it was...but it was the episode that ended with Peggy riding that bike around the set of a commercial she was working on?? I remembering being like "ugh, don't make me like this bitch" and then like immediately falling in love with her right after thinking that. I wonder if my reaction to her--like, did the show mean for it to be like that? Because she was so...idk, meek and small and annoying and irksome in the beginning when she was just like a secretary and getting knocked up by Pete. Then Donald took her under his wing and she started moving up in the company and becoming more of her own woman and I just fell in love. But lowkey I sort of hate myself for...hating the powerless version of Peggy who gave up her baby and was forced to endure acting scenes with Colin Hanks. Idk, but I'm glad I fell in love with her and that she became my fave and I'm glad this show wrote this really great woman character even though a lot of times I had to eyeroll at her like getting mad at another bitch getting flowers, etc. - but whatever, for the most part she was amazing and give Elisabeth Moss every award. Don't make the mistake of not :) haha :) don't fuck up :))) 

All that being said: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT ENDING FOR HER????!?!? THAT ROMCOM BULLSHIT TRASH ASS ENDING?!?!?!?

Stan and Peggy were friends! NONONONOONONONONONOOONONONO TO THEM GETTING TOGETHER PLEASE KILLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEE. omg when Peggy was on the phone like fucking talking herself into believing she was in love with Stan - GAG!! And Stan confessing his love for her - THAT WAS THE LEAST BELIEVABLE FUCKING PERFORMANC EI WANT TO MS SJ RKRMKRISM CSCREAMIN. Omg and when he walked in on her typing and he like--sorry real quick I had to throw up in the mouth of these baby birds I stole--kissed her on her fucking forehead. Peggy looked sick to her fucking stomach BUT OKAY WHATEVEVEVRVR YOU SAYAYYYYYYYYYY MATHTHTHREW WEINERRRRRR YOU FUCKING FLOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 

-Don

Sigh. Idk. lol. Don was always the most pretentious character and I had a lot of fun eyerolling at all his shenanigans. Don is sort of a really passive character, right? Like he just sleepwalked from one situation to the next. He has no identity, so that makes sense. It's such a weird character to have as the protagonist for a show. It's like you never really get inside, which I think was the point of him??? Or at least one of the points??? Also it seems like, during the era in which this show depicts, there were probably a lot of Dons - all these dudes and some women entering the working world with these completely false identities trying to make a name for themselves/seek their fortunes. And obviously this was the pre-internet age, so no one could pull up cached screenshots of deleted racist Tweets or anything like that, so it was the perfect time for fake ass bitches and niggas. But anyway, despite not having any real idea who Don is, and always sort of wanting him to reveal major things about himself, though he never really did, I liked Don. I thought he was a dick and piece of shit and don't get people who idolized him, but I liked him as a character. Also really loved Jon Hamm in the role and definitely give him all the awards. Is it true he never won an Emmy lol who the fuck cares about the Emmy's don't they do musical numbers for no reason?? Like didn't they do one with Jimmy Fallon??? Like an award show that has a musical number is trash and irrelevant like why are you singing and dancing fucking hand out these ugly statues and get this shit over with wtf 

Don's ending...wasssssssssss............w..w.w.w.w..w.w........lol. I liked when he was hugging that man who said he felt invisible. I thought it was funny because I felt the tension in the room of everyone thinking "um....sit down...". But while I was laughing at that, I started to cry because it was sad and you could tell Don's no identity having ass related to this dude and I was like :(((((. I felt like Don's story should have ended there but then they...added in that bit with him doing yoga????? And it made me think he'd turn into that dude who created Bikram Yoga and like rapes all his students and what the fuck is hot yoga tbh it sounds like you deserve whatever happens to you if you sign up for some shit like that. But anyway, I wasn't into the yoga thing. And I hated how Weiner thought he was throwing someone a bone by having a final Peggy/Don conversation OVER THE FUCKING PHONE. THEY WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SAME ROOM. smh wtf. get the fuck outta here with that mess, ugh. AND I HATE HOW PEGGY WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT DON AND SHE LIKE CALLED STAN AND HE'S LIKE OMG JUST GET OVER THAT NIGGA AND THEN THEY HAD THAT GROSS LOVE CONFESSIONAL BULLSHIT SCENE LIKE SHE JUST IMMEDIATELY FORGOT ABOUT DON I HAAAAATTTTE THIS SHOWWWWWW. And wtf was that Coca-Cola ad...at the end? I was like...oh, right, this show was about advertising lol. I want some Burger Chef. Does that actually exist? It sounds gross but, like, novel. You know what I mean? I'll consume any product that comes across as novel, no matter how shitty it seems/probably is. I imagine the packaging is like...simple design aesthetic with big blocky letters and there's a chef's hat on like an MS Paint clipart jpeg of a burger????? ...Please give me that Glen spinoff I'm not being ironic I really want it :/

                          NVR4GT GINSBERG