Picture Mommy Dead (1966)

So I guess I watched this mess because of the title? Well, actually, I always have my TV on mute, turned to channel TCM, because vomiting sounds. And one night this was on TV, something ridiculous caught my eye, and I pressed the remote thing to figure out what the movie was called so I could watch it later. It was probably the scene where Zsa Zsa Gabor's ghost was on "fire" that caught my eye maybe?!?!

Like what is this??

What is this...entire movie?

Sigh, I knew what I was getting into by watching a movie called "Picture Mommy Dead". Like let me not sit here and pretend I didn't know this was going to be a tragic pile-up of awfulness. Like had it not been, I would have been pissed off. I was not...really expecting it to be super-boring, though? Like what's with the like ten minute long fucking scene of that nun at the convent going on and on about Susan's problems and how they shouldn't go back to the house and blah blah, and Susan is over there in the corner pretending to talk to one of her crazy convent "friends" and I swear when they finally panned away from the nurse to Susan and the friend, I remember thinking "What were they pretending to talk about all this time?? Susan said she was going to say goodbye. That was like a ten minute long goodbye." And the pan to them made it look like it was a really awkward goodbye, too. I'm not sure whom more for, though - Susan or the friend? Probably the friend, Susan is a real dullard. She's like Egg from Arrested Development turned up to eleven, b. There's no way talking to her for any longer than zero seconds is a pleasant experience. I bet Susan's convent friend was a mute and therefore unable to communicate "get the fuck out of my face, please, bitch". I mean, I guess she could have slapped Susan?? But Susan is the type that would be into that, so slapping wouldn't work. I've never read Fifty Shades of Gray, but let's just assume E.L. James saw this movie and then was like...wow what if I wrote an erotic bdsm novel about how Susan is spanked a bunch by a bagazillionaire and she has bangs and bad pants?? Like Susan is totally Anna, right? I'm pretending I know way less about Fifty Shades of Grey than I do. But am I really pretending though????????

The movie opens with Zsa Zsa Gabor like igniting on fire and then some kid being like...idk I forgot lol. But it's like Susan's kid voice saying something to her...maybe die mommy? Or maybe...are you okay mommy??? It...doesn't matter. Just know that Zsa--WAIT, CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW MOVIES ARE FOREVER HAVING SHIT BURST INTO FLAMES LIKE EVERYTHING ON EARTH IS COATED IN GASOLINE OR SOME SHIT?? Please explain how the fire is spreading so rapidly across Zsa Zsa's body???? I mean I guess the clothing is flammable I guess???? It just looks really ridiculous. And they don't even have the material burning beneath the flame...it's just like fire on top of whatever item is aflame. Come on ugh. Anyway ugh. Zsa Zsa is Susan's mom, and she dies in the beginning okay got it. Zsa Zsa's death...causes Susan to go crazy? And so they lock her up in a convent?? Don Ameche is Susan's dad, and he has a new wife, Francene, who used to be Susan's governess. They pop up to take Susan home from the convent. Annnnnnnd it seems like they're only there because the dad has run out of money and is looking to get some of Susan's money Zsa Zsa left her?? Or at least to get permission to sell furniture from the house??? Either way, it's hella shady. AND IT'S SO WEIRD DON ISN'T UP FOR KILLING SUSAN, RIGHT? Like I get it's his daughter, but it's clear from jumpstreet he's sketchy as fuck and pretty much only cares about money, and I guess getting laid, so why doesn't he automatically agree with Francene's plan to either have Susan committed or kill her??? Like?? Really?? It's like the movie didn't want to go too far or something lol please. 

Tbh I don't care about the plot or how it unfolded because I really hated this movie and it was just exceptionally tired. Like first of all they were trying to do Hitchcock doing B-movie or something, and like directly stealing shit from The Birds??? Maybe???

Why does Francene have Tippi hair and why does that fucking hawk or whatever straight up attack Susan and basically they just spliced in that scene from The Birds where Tippi is attacked by all those birds in that room hmm???? Hmm??? Come on, fam. 

Speaking of Maxwell Reed!! lol I loved him. Like this movie was trash and garbage, but I was definitely here for Maxwell Reed. He was cunty from minute one and it was a pleasure. BUT UM CAN WE TALK ABOUT SUSAN, FRANCENE AND DON AMECHE'S REACTION WHEN THEY WENT TO THE HOUSE AND MAXWELL REED ANSWERED THE DOOR WITH THOSE BURN SCARS ON HIS FACE AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE 

NO!!!! YOU DON'T DO THAT!!!!!!!!! YOU. DON'T! DO! THAT!!!!

WHO FUCKING REACTS LIKE THAT TO SOMEONE WITH SCARS ON THEIR FACE?!?!?! Like Maxwell Reed asks Susan if she's going to give him a hug and she's all like "uggggh" with her face and recoils from him!!! What?!?! Omg they are so rude?!?!? lol omg. Like! I just! lol They were just really fucking killing me in this movie in regards to his burn scars and I felt sort of bad for him??? lol, like I wanted to give him some self-esteem. He's like "money can't make me handsome" at some point, and then I felt weird because it's like...wow you do know plastic surgery exists, right? But then I felt...like body shamey?? Like why am I suggesting he get plastic surgery?? He's totally beautiful as is and I mean that in a mostly genuine way :') But anyway I loved Maxwell and I loved all his little cunty comments and how he called Don Ameche and Francene tacky and just everything he was doing I was incredibly here for. Even that weird bird stuff. Like, having a bird. Even that. 

I also really loved

Wendell Corey???????????? Since when???? lol I think I have a bad like impression of him because I haven't seen him in too many things, and the only thing I can vividly remember him in was that trash movie Harriet Craig which I don't even...recall what that was exactly about, but I think he played like a really boring husband to Joan Crawford and was oppressive and so I've hated him ever since :") Also he's like some goofy goober bizarro version of Joseph Cotten or some shit and it's just been always off-putting since I've come to know his existence. But in this movie, in his like five minutes of screentime, he totally slayed. He had an attitude and I was loving it. 

Do I want to address Susan's creepy thing for her daddy??? Sigh, look, I love creepy familial relationships. It's my bread and butter ugh shut up delete that. But here...it was just gross. Also Die, Mommie, Die! definitely took all its cues from this movie, right? Like that's all I could think about the entire time watching this. And that's it lol. Susan/Natasha Lyonne was trying her damn hardest to get me to care about her creepy fetish for her dad, but I just really didn't. It's super cliché and why can't she just go fuck horses or something and stop being such a hindrance? You know? Like just become a fucking equestrian and brush your horse too much and fucking get over it, bitch. 

That's the end of this "review". 

Bye!!!!

So what is Girls doing?

Has this show always been a fucking mess and I'm only just now waking up and realizing??? If so, I'm embarrassed for past me and my effusive praise because omg ugh. 

Now, I still enjoy watching the show...because all the characters are a fucking disaster and that's reason enough to watch anything. Um, up to a point, I guess. Like I'm not about to start watching The Big Bang Theory because someone has autism maybe and that's so hilar, because fuck lafftracks and lazy comedy and...ugh there are just so many bright colors on that show and I'm definitely not referring to all the white faces haha burn. But anyway, I love fucked up characters who don't have their lives in order and it seems like they never will. And that's like the whole purpose of Girls. But what's weird about Girls, as opposed to a show about fucked up people I really like, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, is that it's at least a little bit supposed to be rooted in reality, no? Pretty sure!! So...it's...been a wild and terrible ride watching these characters consistently be as horrific as they are but not be assassinated. Like, how has no one snipered Jessa? I love Jessa, but how has no one fucking shot her in the back of the fucking head??? Or Marnie??? Or anyone who puts their penis inside Marnie?????? Or, jesus, fucking Shoshanna. Are you telling me a human being like that can just exist on this planet of Earth completely and entirely unharmed by human hands? NAH, YOU BUGGIN! And, sigh, Hannahbal. What a deeply fucking unlikable human being all the time who no one has ever tried to run over with their car. Their uber buggie or whatever the fuck these kids are driving around in today. 

Hmm, but this isn't really about the characters' likablity, because none of these bitches have ever for one single second been likable and I've been a fan since day one for some reason. What's really getting to me is how...like worse and worse things seem to be getting for everyone and, it's not like, a joke?? It's just...sad and horrifying. But also lowkey boring?!!?!? And also it doesn't make sense, right?? Like situations they're in. 

For instance, Hannah! Hmm so she goes to Iowa, fails predictably, and just quits???? What?? Wasn't this writing program like a huge fucking deal? Do not tell me this stupid bitch just went to Iowa because Adam was having success in his acting career, because seriously that's what the fuck it's looking like. And don't even talk to me about when she quit the magazine job last season. So what if her other co-workers gave up on their writing careers? What does that have to do with Hannah?? Like, why did she think she'd end up like them when she is not fucking them and living her own life?????!?! Please explain thank you. So okay now we have Hannah, the writer~~, working as a fucking substitute teacher, not even a real teacher, having nothing to do with writing at all? UM, OKAY?!?!? At least the fucking magazine job WAS AT A MAGAZINE. And she was getting paid mad dollar$$$. HOW DO WE END UP HERE?? And how is this bitch not fired already?? Maybe she got fired last episode, but I can't tell. And yeah she's working at some sort of hippie-ish school, but still. I did really love that Maude Apatow getting a frenulum piercing scene - so, like, at least Hannah's irresponsibility gave me that, but jesus. Honestly I have no idea where the show is going with this bitch, and Hannah's dad coming out as gay is not a fucking storyline for Hannah. Bitch you're like 25...26 years old - WHO FUCKING CARES?!! lol or is this the point of...Hannah??? Like that she's super ridiculous and an idiot and self-absorbed and that's the point, guise. Uh huh. 

And do I even want to talk about this dad coming out storyline....??? Well, for one, I don't give a fuck about Hannah's parents. I think Becky Ann Baker is definitely one of the best actors on the show, but I couldn't care less about Hannah's parents scenes because I barely care about their daughter. Give me more Ben Mendelsohn as Jessa's daddy THANK YOU!!! PLEASE GIVE ME A SPIN-OFF OF JESSA OR JUST JESSA'S DADDY OR JUST A SHOW THAT'S ALL BEN MENDELSOHN THANK YOU!! UGH I REALLY NEED TO WATCH BLOODLINE BUT ALSO CAN YOU GET RID OF ALL THE OTHER ACTORS SO IT'S JUST BEN THANXXX!! Oh shit I just found out Sissy Spacek is in that shit okay! okay! turn up!!

..........Speaking of Jessa...lol UM. You know what, Jessa is on whatever path she...probably should be on?? Ugh, you know, she's the most interesting female character on the show to me and they just don't give us enough of her and that's so fucking annoying. Like, I want to see Jessa's sobriety journey. I wanna know how she met Mimi Rose and fucking Zachary Quinto's eyebrows. What is she doing when I'm being forced to watch Marnie and Desi scenes? Or being forced to watch Ray yelling at people on the street scenes??!? YOU CAN'T BE FUCKING SERIOUS WITH THESE STORYLINES WHEN JESSA FUCKING EXISTS AND YOU COULD BE WRITING MORE STUFF FOR HER?!!? Like, are you fucking kidding me?? I DON'T CARE ABOUT RAY RUNNING FOR FUCKING COMMUNITY MANAGER OR WHATEVER. THE. FUCK. omggggggggggggggg OH MY GOD!!! lol And

AND SPEAKING OF MARNIE AND DESI. You're really whilin', show. Like, you're trolling us with this shit, right?? Their scenes make me physically sick to my fucking stomach lol you can't be serious. I. HATE. THEM. But I'm definitely a little excited to see how this engagement shit pans out. Like I want them to get married and I want it to be a glorious fucking disaster. I don't see them making it down the aisle, but knowing this show, there's a very good chance they might. And then like two episodes later they're divorced and Marnie's a lesbian now and some ambiguously Asian rapper is cast as her lesbian lover and they open a cupcake shop or some shit but Marnie doesn't know how to bake so real quick let's change it to just a coffee shop for the finale and who walks in to order but Taylor Swift doing a cameo as "herself" and she plays a "bitch" who's all like "where's the cupcakes?!"  and we all laugh until we fucking die. 

¿Shoshanna? Can you...can you at least give me domesticate scenes involving her and Jason Ritter? I like Jason Ritter, put him more in my face. Why are you forcing this Ray/Shoshanna thing down our throats? This ~friendship~ bullshit? Like why do they have to be friends?? I want scenes of Shoshanna trying to force herself on Jason Ritter as his trophy wife, as the queen to his cup noodle empire or whatever the fuck he sells. And what's going on with Ray being in love with Marnie? Is that...is that for real?? lol omfg PLEASE!!!

My fave boo Adam needs to be off this show. Now, before this season started, I was excited because I thought he was going to form a "friendship" with Jessa and they'd hook up. BUT NO INSTEAD YOU GAVE ME MIMI ROSE AND HER CLEAR, MAKEUPLESS FACE AND I JUST WISH THIS SHOW WOULD DROWN IN A FUCKING FIIIIIIRE!!! There's no purpose for Adam anymore, imo, and just let Driver go and be in a bunch of fucking terrible movies and just play that fucking song from Frozen I am seriously never watching that fucking movie thanks pop-culture for running shit so hard into the fucking ground it comes out the other side in China and then we can just do ironic memes of it forever and I never have to actually watch the thing because I can just look at the frog memes of it or whatever no thanx thank you. 

And, sigh, I'm so annoyed Jessa's being a terrible friend to Adam even though that's 100000% her aesthetic. Like, of course she got him and Mimi together so she could fuck Mimi's ex-boyfriend and try to get him to fall in love with her and kill himself or whatever her fucking plan was. God, why?! And was that teary bullshit outside the police station completely fake?! ugh Jessa I hate you but you're my...I have to like at least one of the girls and...it's not going to be any of the other way worse three options, so sigh you're my Beyoncé I guess ugh just why is life so tragic hmm?? 

Anyway, I think the season finale is either tonight or next week and I'm not excited because I know they're going to pull some shit. And not good "shit" like a Breaking Bad finale or anything like that. They'll just have everyone's lives being open fucking ended as shit, and there'll be like no Elijah. Which is exactly how Girls likes to roll and why the fuck am I still watching this shit. Oh I think this week I at least get some Gaby Hoffmann, MY QUEEEEEN, and I think she's giving birth so I'm very excited about how disgusting and horrible that'll be and hopefully there will be no Desi but lowkey secretly hopefully there will be, because I get bored hating all the other ones. My hate for Desi is seemingly new, and it's exciting. My hate for this show is also sort of new, but not exciting; I actually don't like coming to hate a show I initially loved. It's like having a break up or what I imagine having a break up is like what the fuck do I know about relationships haha :")

Jodorowsky's Dune (2013)

So I walked away from this movie really wanting to see Jodorowsky's version of Dune. I hate sci-fi shit. I'll only like a sci-fi movie if it's like ass-packed with a bunch of actors I like, por ejemplo: Prometheus, which is apparently a shitty film??? But is it??? I mean come on: Fassbender, Idris Elba, fucking Sean Harris, all those other ones I at least mildly care about - It's a perfect film. Come on - Guy Pearce cameo as a fucking old dude!! What other sci-fi movie is out here having random Guy Pearce cameos and you can't even fucking tell it's Guy Pearce? Exactly! None! 

The sci-fi genre is just really off-putting to me. Like seriously mostly every sci-fi movie I've seen has made me want to die, and not in a good way. But I just accept it's not my motherfucking cup of tea. Also fuck tea, team coffee. Jodorowsky's version of Dune would totally be coffee, though, right? I've never seen any of his films. I just checked imdb to make sure I've never seen any of his shit lol and I found out Alejandro is an Aquarius and so we're sign sisters. And also it explains so much. It explains that I actually believe in horoscope shit, and also that I'm ignoring that thing going around about how all the signs have changed because of moon rotation or some bullshit and apparently now I'm a Capricorn? Nah, fuck that!! 

Anycheeto!! I've never seen any of Jodorowsky's movies, but I'm interested. From the clips they showed in the doc, his movies look random and weird as hell and also they were made in the seventies when everyone was fucked up and brain-damaged from LSD or worse. So, like, even really atrocious garbage from that decade is amazing. I'm hyping it, but also not really. Like, it's true. You can watch any movie from the seventies and find at least something to be like "oh, damn" about it. And, like, I've seen Frogs. There's some unique ass shit going on with that movie, don't sleep on it too quickly. loljk it is a terrible film, but it exists and is insane and that is the seventies defined. So, like, I want to see this dude's movies, because they look crazy and...well, Jodorowsky is crazy, right? In the doc, one of the dudes--I think Michel Seydoux--says you have to have a little madness to make movies, right? Or was he specifically talking about making Dune?? Let's just address how he's acting like Alejandro is only a "little mad".

Like. And did my guy compare making movies to raping women? No, raping wives, specifically. Because apparently there's no such thing as just having sex with your wife?? You have to rape her?? To??? Make babies?!?!?!?! And how does??! that?!?!?!? compare?!?!? to !?!?!!? making ?!?!? films?!!?!!:!: 

This...explains why people like Woody Allen, Polanski, Bryan Fuller, etc are so revered, right? Like, full-on, you have to be an actual human being rapist to be respected as a director. OKAY, COOL! Nah, like, it's just good to be informed. 

So anyway I'm really sad this particular version of Dune doesn't exist. But...hmm. What was the real reason this movie wasn't made? Was it because the ideas were too ~~far out~~ for Hollywood, or was it because Jodorowsky had all this extra ass shit going on with like fucking Dalí and Orson Welles' fat ass and fucking Pink Floyd and just all this drama? This movie sounds like it would've been hella expensive. Idk what the fuck 15 million in the seventies is equivalent to today, but prob a lot. And I wonder if it was maybe way too much for this crazy idea. Like you can't look at all the prep work Jodorowsky did on Dune and get this confirmation like: yes, this will be a success! It's a risk blah blah. What made me sort of uncomfortable was how Jodorowsky was sort of lambasting I guess Hollywood's attitude, and talking about how money means nothing while handling a fucking wad of cash lol. Idk, he just seemed hella tone deaf, and...probably like the sole reason his movie wasn't made. Like, idk, if you want studio support, everyone knows you have to make major compromises. I don't get why...Jodorowsky didn't just produce and release this on his own?? Am I just real dumb? Could he have not done that? I mean, how did...he make his other films? Très confused, bruh. 

But oh well! lol And no, I don't want to see some newer version of this mess, or a cartoon version. I want Dalí, I want Orson, I want fucking Mick Jagger and Amanda Lear and David Carradine and Jodorowsky's random son in the roles they were promised. Because seriously that movie sounds amazing and I will never get it and I'm sort of mad? Right? Like, at this doc for even presenting these ideas to me that will never come to fruition. At least not cinematically, which ugh. 

But I'm over it!! At least this doc introduced to me the magnificence that is H. R. Giger

What a fucking dreamboat. And I'm so pissed off because in my excitement like googling pics of this dude I saw some shit like "rip hr giger" and I was like "ugh what?!" So this dude is dead - great! Just when I fucking get into it!! I can't even fantasize about running into him on the street somewhere or at the grocery store staring at those rotisserie chickens while wheezing mechanically. And then I walk up and laugh and he's like "why are you laughing" and I'm like "the totalitarian complex", which means literally nothing, but he totally giggles! Those dreams are dashed now because he's dead!! Unless...unless maybe his ghost haunts me? But why would his ghost haunt me? This nigga's ghost doesn't know me! Wait - do you think they have internet in heaven or most likely hell???? Wow maybe he reads my blog! Please haunt me, H. R. Giger!! Fill all my holes with your ectoplasm jesus what am i doing

White People & Love or Whatever Ugh (2014)

This movie is so bland and inconsequential it's almost offensive. Except, not almost, just is. 

1. Why would you remake an extremely shitty psychosexual thriller shot through the lens of the fucking Baby-Sitters Club from the eighties, and somehow make it much worse, less interesting, super-dumber, and a thousand percent more irrelevant??? You're highly doing remakes wrong. Not that remakes, have like, a good reputation or anything. But if you're going to remake some shit...at least add to it...in some way. All the things that made Endless Love from '81 at least mildly interesting are wholly absent from this film and replaced with jack shit. Where is the crazy ass boyfriend? Where is creepy Tom Cruise? Where is hot as fuck like fifteen year old Brooke Shields? You don't even have a corny ass theme song from some current day version of Lionel Richie! Where the fuck is the shitty fucking Bruno Mars single?! lol, wait, there might be one. Let me go see lol. So Spotify tells me there's a soundtrack, but no Bruno Mars. The soundtrack might actually be viable - I briefly perused it. This is like when The Twilight Saga ugh: New Moon's soundtrack was poppin', but the movie decidedly was not. Ugh, but at least Twilight has Charlie!

2. Hmm, but the dad in this movie was actually good, too. 

Shout out to Bruce Greenwood for being basically the only noteworthy thing about this movie. And noteworthy in a good way, like not in that bad way Nicolas Cage would be noteworthy, or in that bad way this fucking movie is noteworthy for being a piece of worthless shit :) 

Bruce Greenwood plays the daddy of our little jezebel whose name I don't remember, and because I want to be petty as fuck, I'm just going to call her Girl. Girl is a "loser" because she doesn't have any friends and reads books all the time and I guess she thinks she's fucking Belle from Beauty and the Beast and now we've come full circle because Pettyfer's whack ass was in the remake for that mess called actually Beastly and jesus christ so many white people and their shenanigans, so little time.

Pettyfer is Boy. He's been obsessed with Girl since forever, creepily watching her from a distance instead of walking up to the bitch and being like "lol hai" like pretty much 100% of boys would do who are not mute. Like, you don't even fucking have to know English, and even if you're mute, you can like, wave. You can mime or some shit. Open your mouth, bruh. You know what the beginning of--actually, this whole movie reminded me exactlyish of Say Anything... Well, at least a lot in the beginning. With Lloyd pursuing "ice queen" Diane after they graduate high school, and Diane is like...~out of his league~~ and Lloyd is maybe from the ~~wrong side of the tracks~~ because, idk, he looks maybe Asiany in that way Keanu Reeves does??? And he does kickboxing or some shit?? And his sister is fucking Joan Cusack, so that's gotta knock you back a couple of points. You know, I'm actually 100% certain this movie directly stole from Say Anything... because, they just did lol. They just did and I'm annoyed. Say Anything... is one of those rare romantic films that is actually good. And, even rarer, a romance about teenagers that's actually good. Like, I fucking love that movie and then I'm sitting here watching this lukewarm reheated ass Endless Love mess and it was just pissing me the fuck off. This movie also stole from The Notebook...and a few other movies I believe. Pretty much all Nicholas Sparxxx. But, weirdly, did not really steal anything from the actual movie it was supposed to be stealing from???? How do?? Magnets?? Work??????????? 

Wait, lol, I'm supposed to be talking about how much I loved Bruce, right? ugh 

3. So! lol Bruce plays Girl's daddy and he's all ~~overprotective~~ or whatever. I guess because one of his kids died and...idk blah blah ugh. So when Girl starts dating Boy, Bruce is all ~~against it~~. Also it seems his wife has fallen for Boy, too. lol everyone in this white ass family is in love with Boy and Bruce is standing over here like 

like...who is this nigga??

and the wife is like I LOVE BOY HE INSPIRES ME and Bruce Greenwood is like

and then everyone is like ugh Bruce get over it and he's like

Wow, I wish Peter Gallagher had been cast in this movie as Bruce's buddy and like he'd just be in the background of all the scenes, snickering at all the ~~family drama~~. You know, he's like ~the single guy~~, the 4ever bachelor, and he says things like "see, this is why I never got married/had kids" but then the camera will linger on his face too long after a sarcastic chuckle or something and we'll realize how truly fucking alone he is. Wow, I should have written this movie and cast it and acted all the parts except Peter's part. And except Bruce's part, he can stay. And that guy who tossed his keys at The Black One. Wait! I'll get to that later lol FOCUS ON BRUCE LOVE ugh. 

So I loved Bruce because his character was a cunt and was always keepin' it real and tellin' it like it is and producing receipts and just being a complete and total goddess. AND OMG WHEN HE CALLED OUT SABINE. Like when they're all out on the patio or whatever and he's grilling Boy and then the son is like "he's just testing you" and talks about how Bruce did that to his girlfriend Sabine, and Sabine passed the test, and then Bruce turned to him like, "Did she pass? Because you still don't call her your girlfriend." FUCK! THIS NIGGA DOESN'T! GIVE! A! SHIT! lol, I screamed. And I was just really here for Bruce from that moment on. Play on, playa ugh. 

4. The Black Friend.

ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh

You're being hella, my guy. Just hella hella. This movie was really awkward with its diversity casting. Like, that dancing scene at the party alone - just, ugh. So much secondhand embarrassment that if I could translate it into coins I'd have a lot of coins. I'd break a few coinstar machines, b. And I'd press no to that would you like to donate question every. single. time. But what this movie really got awkward was...addressing racial...tension?? Why even bring it up?? Just do like all the other movies do and pretend we live in a fucking utopia and don't even acknowledge that people are different races/come from various cultures. This movie made it weird and had that valet scene with the douchiest-looking dude I have ever seen in my life, toss his keys at the black dude like he was a fucking trash receptacle, but for keys. So, a key receptacle. This nigga looked like a cross between Wes Bentley and Tobey Maguire, maybe?? But like, drained or exhumed or some shit. Just really fucking douchey. And...he threw his keys at the black one because...he was black, right?? But the movie doesn't go there and have the dude call him a nigger or anything, he doesn't even say "I want his black ass fired!" when he demands the black dude get fired. It was weird, like the dude was just a general douche instead of a racist one. Like when Pettyfer takes responsibility for stealing his car and the dude is like "Okay, well I want him fired!" But then he also demanded the black one still get fired??? What was this movie trying to do??? Trying to fail super hard, I guess. So, paradoxically, succeeding?? Lowkey I totally know what paradox means, right???

5. Why did Sabine and Girl's brother look exactly alike?

Am I buggin'? She's like an Asiany female copy of him??? Or just like a tanner...version of him...with a nice wig on??? AM I BUGGIN'??? 

Bad Words (2013)

Jason Bateman is foreverdong. Can you tell the highlight of my internet life was like 2010? Hmm, enough creepy depressing comments--loljk, there's going to be sooooo much more. That's like, the entire aesthetic of this fucking blog. Ugh, I have a blog. Anyskittle! Jason Bateman is foreverdong, which means either: I will always want to fuck him, or more PC, I love all his movies!!!! Which, really, that's not even true. I feel like lowkey I hate soooo many things Jason Bateman has been in lol. Or, maybe the movies were bad and I would have hated them had he not been in them. Mediocreish garbage like Horrible Bosses, The Change-Up, The Switch, etcetc; really actual terrible shit like Identity Thief, Couples Retreat...etc etcccccccc. Actually a little bit I feel bad for shading The Switch because lowkey highkey that's one of my favorite movies ugh Jason and that little neurotic ass kid give me life. But anyway I'm here today ugh to talk about another movie where Jason Bateman has a cute ass, mildly inappropriate relationship with a kid but that's okay because he's white no one's paying attention to that shit. 

So Jason is playing some ~bad ass~~~ crotchety ass ~~rebel~~ dude named Guy Trilby. He...is competing in spelling bees. Which he can do I guess because he didn't graduate the eighth grade or some shit. And throughout the movie we sort of discover that was because his mom was maybe a piece of shit and constantly moving them around and blah blah. Let's address how this is yet another one of those movies where there's an inappropriately-behaving adult, and so "Bad" is the first word in the title. Bad Santa, Bad Grandpa, Bad Teacher, Bad Movies hahaha. No, but seriously, please stop. I'm pretty sure the shark was sufficiently jumped with that show Bad Judge, but lol no probably not. Can't wait for Bad Proctologist out April 2022 like yess let'sdoo thisiss. "Bad Words" is less egregious, I guess, because...I don't know...it's a "joke"...maybe?? Ugh but is it? Like you could have called it Bad Speller and that would have been worse but also lowkey ironic but also still really terrible. But I'll let the title slide ugh but I really don't fucking want to lol 

So Guy is participating in these fucking spelling bees with these kids and the parents are upset and...I don't really care about that bit of the movie. I guess it's funny when Guy compares Rachael Harris' vagina to an elephant's trunk. "Grey and distended"...right? I think. It was...hah humorous lol. What I really cared about was Bateman's cute ass little courtship thing with Rohan Chand, who plays Chaitanya Chopra, but whom Bateman calls like everything else but. He calls him like "Slumdog" and "curry" I think...just a bunch of racist shit lol that...is probably how a creepy older white male befriending a tiny Indian child...would exactly behave. So, spot-on accuracy, filmmakers! Or, Jason Bateman, who made this mess. Though he didn't write it ugh okay and a cookie for you, too, the screenwriter! jesus

Guy and Slumdog's romance is one for the ages. 

Wait, first look at this fucking kid

No, excuse me, I don't think you don't understand

Chaitanya refers to soda as "soda pop" and Guy tells him to just call it soda or else he'll get raped and it's just like the most accurate way to describe how super-cute this kid is............right?? 

He's like a hotter Aziz Ansari. Is that racist? Like why do I have to compare him to another Indian. Idek if this kid is Indian. I mean, come on, of course he is. But I don't have this little nigga's birth certificate in my fucking hands - ugh, I wish. 

I also found this^ picture in my creepy internet stalking of this child. Wonderful. Life is amazing. A too lazy for suicide blog and also it seems like it'd be sort of ouchie blog like I can't even handle papercuts blog 

so!!!! Guy and Slumdog are really cute and become best friends and Guy is sort of...rude to him for a bit in the beginning, and like...just not having sleepovers with him all the time, which is what I wanted. YOU KNOW WHAT SORT OF ANNOYED ME??? Like, I thought Guy was going to discover Slumdog had a room all to himself and, like, just move in without permission. Like when he took all those little liquor bottles out of his mini-fridge and fell asleep, I was like: okay, here we go!! Sleepover time!!! In no way did I think this movie was going to Degrassi-style go there with any...weird...implications of molestation or something lol, but I felt like they 100% shied away from even the implication of implication by having Guy keep staying in that closet, when I feel like it would make more sense for his character had he just moved in to Chaitanya's room, idk, offering up some bullshit excuse like "oh, we can help each other study", or something like that. But I guess maybe him not moving in could be explained away by his antisocialness?? Like maybe he wouldn't want to share a room? Bottom line: I'm pissed off they never got any sleepover action in. Bottom line. And I lowkey hate this movie a little for it. I mean, I guess you gave me that cute little outing of their's where Chaitanya got to see that hooker's boobs - but it wasn't enough!! It wasn't enough, goddammit! You could've done more! You could have saved so many more lives!! 

Oh, right, so the whole reason for Guy participating in these spelling bees is because his dad, who abandoned his mom when she found out she was pregnant, is the guy who runs them. Philip Baker Hall or whatever. UMMMMM. I don't know how I feel about the whole...just the whole PBH being Bateman's dad thing. It was sort of lame??? And I don't understand howww--like, what was Guy's plan, exactly? He just wanted...his dad to see him--I DON'T GET WHY HE DIDN'T WANT TO WIN. Wouldn't winning have...sort of...proved something? Or...like, why did he just want to make it to 2nd place? I guess he just wanted to cause as much destruction as possible in the game and...just be noticed by this man, I guess?? And, hoo boy, him telling Philip Baker Hall, like "oh, btw, I'm your son" was hella anti-climatic. Also because I thought PBH sort of knew Guy was his son???? ugh, idk. I especially didn't like when Kathryn Hahn picks Guy up from jail and there's this like emotional music playing over Guy explaining his childhood or whatever and why he's doing this spelling bee shit. I was just like, "uggggggggggggh". It was very trope and it made me uncomfortable and...sigh...I just didn't care. Can...can I get more Chand on my screen, or??? 

Overall, I think...I think I liked this movie lol. Idk. I'm definitely going to watch it again because I was 100% here for Guy and Slumdog's relationship, and you can get me to halfway like any movie that has a strong couple at its center lol. Also there were some legitimately funny moments that sort of made up for...some not legitimately funny moments. And, like I said, Team Bateman d 4ever and ever. Thank god this didn't star literally anyone else, because I'd be feeling hella differently right now loljk as long as Rohan Chand was still in the movie I'd be straight let's keep it real ;)

Also, never forget that moment when Jason Bateman was blowing in that little black girl's face

Like he was just blowing in her fucking face lol why was it so funny. Her fucking look of disgust and the wincing at it lol omfg. ALSO OMG WHEN HE MADE THAT LITTLE WHITE GIRL THINK SHE HAD GOTTEN HER PERIOD. Wow, Guy was a trip lol. Hmmm I guess I legit liked this movie ugh lol idk it needs a rewatch. I definitely can't wait to watch him blowing in that girl's face again. Is my new sexual orientation Jason Bateman blowing in some little black girl wearing glasses' face? What do I mean "new", as if it hasn't always been that this entire time?????

xoxo

Picture Snatcher (1933)

I watched this because I love James Cagney and he's in the movie, so. Was I expecting to like this? Tbh, I had no fucking idea what it was really even about. I think the description tcm gave was like "ex-con tries to go straight by becoming a photojournalist" or some shit. Pretty much that's what the fuck this mess was, I guess. Except Cagney's character Danny...doesn't really go straight. I mean, he does and he doesn't. And I guess that's the point of the film - that even though he has this "straight" job, he's still a fucking...criminal at heart? ??????

LET'S TALK FIRST ABOUT HOW HE QUITS HIS GANG. Let's just talk about how he quits the gang, period. WHEN THE FUCK DOES THAT EVER HAPPEN?? He--HE MAKES THEM LIKE TAILOR SUITS FOR HIM AND SHIT and then when they're in some apartment he's like Hey, fellas, I quit! So just give me my severance check and then I'll be on my way!! K thanx!!! Thanx sweetie :) Thank youuuuu :)))

SINCE WHEN?! SINCE WHEN THE FUCK CAN YOU JUST QUIT A GANG LIKE THAT? The only way out is in a box, right? I thought those were ~~the rules~~? Also I hope it isn't really obvious I just quoted Malibu's Most Wanted. Though of course I hope it is obvious, which is why I called it out. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh is that a freakin musketughhhhhhh. But it was totes bogie that Danny just quit his gang/mob, right? Like even if he was sort of the leader, which I don't actually believe he was...that shit doesn't happen! Like, imagine Al Capone being like "lol I'm over this, like I want to open an Etsy shop, guise!!!" and then...his mob people being like "lol okie dokie here's an envelope full of money$$$ byeeee!!!" NO. 

So after Cagney leaves his fucking gang and no one fucking stabs him or throws a carafe full of hot coffee in his face or anything, he jaunts on over to the newspaper place where he'll be working. There he meets up with Ralph Bellamy, whom I surmised Danny knew in prison?? And Bellamy promised him work?? 

CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT RALPH BELLAMY FOR A SEC

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING PROFILE, B. This dude is hot, right?? Like some mix of Michael Pitt and Jason Segel you never fucking asked for and if someone like presented it as an idea you'd be like "uch - fuck no!" but then Frankenstein or some other similar freak makes it and you're like "huh. Okay. Thank...youuu. Even though--like, I didn't want this, but...I'm...happy it exists. So, thanks. Begrudgingly, though, because like I said before I didn't fucking ask for this." 

BUT WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE A DRUG ADDICT BUT HANDSOME AS FUCK ANYWAY? AND I'M NOT EVEN INTO THE DRUGGIE LOOK ANYMORE THIS ISN'T FUCKING 2005-2008. 

AND LOOK AT HIM STANDING BESIDE 2 FOOT TALL FUCKING CAGNEY UGH AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW I LOWKEY SHIPPED THEM? Lowkey, because I sort of hated this movie and was only like 33% invested in what the fuck was going on. And also I ship fucking everything. Like, it's all I do now. I like need ships to keep me interested more than half the time. And this limp ass movie certainly needed a ship. 

Should I go back to talking about--no, I just found a bunch of pics, so I'm going to talk about the pics and maybe coincidentally also discuss the ridiculous movie in the process of me talking shit about pics from the movie I found which would not make it a coincidence wow I really shouldn't have dropped out of college but come on I'm 2 cool 4 skool haha oh god

Okay, so I felt hella weird talking about how hot in an old-timey way Ralph Bellamy is. Like I was betraying my #1 baby James Cagney. I don't love Ralphie B more than you, James. I never even cared about his existence until I saw this movie and him walking around in those tight ass vests--NO, I'M SO SORRY PLEASE DON'T BE MAD AT ME. I LIKED WHEN YOU TOOK A BATH. I LIKED EVERYTHING YOU WERE DOING EVEN THOUGH IT WAS MORE THAN OCCASIONALLY OVER THE TOP. FOR INSTANCE, WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WERE YOU SWEET TALKING PATRICIA ON THE PHONE LIKE THAT WHEN YOU BARELY KNEW HER?? LIKE CALLING HER SWEETIE PIE AND HONEY LIKE SHE WAS WIFEY BUT YOU MET THIS BITCH TWO HOURS AGO??? DOING KISSY SOUNDS AND THIS BITCH'S FATHER JUST SHOT AT YOU FIVE MINUTES AGO??? HELLO???? WHY??? AND THEN SEVERAL TIMES DURING THE MOVIE YOU MAKE THESE LITTLE YELPY MOANING NOISES OR SOMETHING? I THINK DEFINITELY ONE TIME IT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE DOING THE BATH AND YOU GET ALL SENSUAL ABOUT THE LAVENDER BATH SALTS??? HELP HI HELLO WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ALSO, PLEASE CONTINUE! 

I love these shots from when Danny just got out of prison and was riding around with his gang bitches or whatever, and ugh he looks so not into it hellpp plz stop

PLEASE CARE LESS 

UGH LOOK HOW DISGUSTED HE IS BY HER TOUCH. lol I don't even think it plays like this in the movie. Pretty sure he fucks both those broads. But even more pretty sure he doesn't, he just takes a fucking bubble bath in their house or some shit. And, that's like, all he wants?? Ugh you beautiful 2cm tall angel. 

Oh, shit, I forgot...about him stealing the photo from that fireman. Is that what this pic is from? CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW HE FUCKING STOLE THAT PHOTO FROM THE FIREMAN'S FUCKING BURNED DOWN HOUSE THAT HIS WIFE BURNED TO DEATH IN???!?!?! HELLO?!?!? HI, HELLO?!?! Like...that was sort of fucked up. Right? This dude's wife is dead and...you steal prob the only pic he has left of her?? Um, okaaaaaaaaay. Like how is this better than...being a mob person? Plz explain sweetie. But, again, I guess that's ~the point~ of the movie. I think?? But is it?? Because he gets a happy ending and I'm just like "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm does he deserve one?" lol idk man. Like the whole "once a criminal always a criminal" thing is only cute when like the protagonist isn't robbing a grieving widower. Just my opinion. :)

Oh wait no this^ pic is from when he stole the execution invite letter from that dude, right? That dude he like locked in a bathroom closet orrrrrrrr

Okay annnnnnnnnd I'm just posting this for teeth. I think here^ he was getting in tussles with the other fucking paparazzi-type picture---YO, I JUST REALIZED THIS MOVIE IS CALLED PICTURE SNATCHER. lol, so...maybe picture snatching...is the point. Ugh why do I need for there to be a point? I was just...like really bothered about him stealing from that fireman lol like put that photo back right now omg

Patricia was cute. Though she looked...too young, perhaps?? Like Cagney could've been playing her dad instead of that fat motherfucker standing over on the right. Can we talk about him? ugh I don't want to. He was really extra, but in like a bad way. And he had a possibly completely out of place Irish accent???????? But maybe not. Ellis Island or something happened close to the '30s, right? I legit have zero idea, but let's pretend he came over from Ireland and they fucking let him be a cop and that's that :) But come on pal how the fuck you chasing baddies when you got a fucking entire other person tucked inside your waist band? This nigga looked very Jared pre his Subway diet and I was just concerned he was going to collapse and die loljk he was annoying as fuck that would have been a treat and very welcomed. LIKE YOU CAN'T JUST SHOOT SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY'RE SWEET TALKING YOUR DAUGHTER, EVEN IF THE SWEET TALK IS DISGUSTING, AND EVEN IF HE IS AN EX  CONVICT. Actually...

...How do I feel...about Danny taking a pic of the execution? Idk, it's definitely less-worse in my mind than him thieving off that fireman...but it's still skeevy as fuck. But I wasn't here for the fucking manhunt for him that occurred after all the other journalist snitches found out he had a camera. Like why are you...chasing this dude? For free? Like remember how one of the police people from the prison was like to the journalists: OKAY EVERYONE SPLIT UP SO WE CAN FIND THAT SUCKER or whatever??? Why would...any of the not-police agree to go on the hunt for Danny?? Again, for free?? Those snitches, yo. I was totally Team Danny when he was running through the trains going through all this drama. 

Like, my man, have you been through the sewers?? HE JUST TOOK A PICTURE - ALL YALL NEED TO TAKE SOME CODEINE OR SOME SHIT AND CHILL THE HECK OUT. Hmm and maybe I should take my own hazardous advice and chill out on the caps okay thanx ugh

And...do I want to talk about that ending? First of all: what was that stolen exactly from? Scarface with Paul Muni, right? I thiiiiink. But no they definitely stole that shoot-out scene directly from some other gangster picture I saw. Either Scarface or fucking The Public Enemy, which Cagney was in...so maybe it was a homage?? Was this one of those anti g-men movies Hoover made Hollywood do? Like to try to make the mobster life appear less glamorous? Like it was more admirable to be on ~the other side~~? I hate these type of movies, but also maybe this wasn't even that, and also I think one of my fave Cagney movies Each Dawn I Die maybe was that, so never mind lol next. But definitely that shoot-out scene was directly awkwardly copied AND EXCUSE ME WHY WAS THAT WOMAN AND HER KIDS JUST STANDING THERE IN THE DOORWAY LIKE DURR OMG BULLETS???! They all deserved to die fuck them. 

The Jinx

Yo, this show was wild! lol omg

I watched this...because I think it was compared in Serial. Which...I liked. Or, maybe liked is the wrong word lol, but I was into it. The Jinx was definitely not like Serial at all for me because I 100,000%%% believed Robert killed all those people. LIKE, COME ON. Did Adnan kill Hae? Look, probably. But I'm still hella suspicious of Jay, and maybe...you know, maybe it was that other serial killer guy!! But there's no Jay or other serial killer guy in The Jinx. Just Robert's creepy ass being creepy looking like a fucking murderer being obviously extremely absolutely guilty. 

So watching this show wasn't about me trying to...like determine if Robert killed his wife, Susan and that old dude. He obviously did - even admitting to killing and dismembering his neighbor best friend 4ever. No, what was fascinating about this show was just watching Robert, who despite being sort of off and clearly a psychopath (???), he's lowkey charming and fun to watch? Did I just call him charming hmm I should get my life together. But I could see how Jarecki formed an attachment to him and was having ~~weird complicated~~ feelings and shit. BUT WHOO BOY!! Like I was getting mad that he was hesitant about confronting Robert in the final episode, but at the same time I was scared for him and was like "um, maybe don't. This is gonna be hella awkward". AND OMG WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING AND YOU COULD SEE JARECKI'S FUCKING HAND SHAKING WITH THE PAPERS. Nah, I would've punked out extra quick, like "lol, haha never mind. Jus kiddin', Bobby!" and like slapped him on the shoulder and ran out of the room. WHICH IS SORT OF LOWKEY WHAT HAPPENED AFTER ANDREW SHOWED BOB LIKE THE HANDWRITING COMPARISONS OMFG. Like--CAN WE TALK ABOUT ROBERT FUCKING BURPING. ARE YOU KIDDDDDINGGMGMGMGM EMEMEMEMEE.EEMEME. That was the most uncomfortable fucking shit I have ever seen in my life. But also simultaneously hilarious. Like I thought he was going to throw up right there on Jarecki's lap and it was making me nauseous but also I was laughing because he was just fucking crumbling and it was beautiful. IT WAS SO GREAT!! And then Bob is like "yeah Beverly is spelled wrong..........................................." OMG LIKE HELLO THIS IS OBVIOUSLY YOUR HANDWRITING. I sort of wanted Andrew to be like "UM OKAY BUT YOU DEFINITELY WROTE BOTH OF THESE THINGS! JUST ADMIT IT, YOU BITCH!!" BUT 1. I can see how like terrifying that would be to do lol and 2. maybe he wasn't allowed to confront Bob aggressively like that? But 3. probably he was just afraid what would happen if he did lol because come on wow but 4. I still sort of wanted him to go awf on Bob like screaming in his face DID YOU KILL YOUR WIFE, BOB? TELL ME TELLL MEE!!! Wow that would've been great. But at least they gave me that amazing audio of Bob fucking being an idiot basically confessing everything in the bathroom. Like, fucking dry-heaving but it sounded sort of wet...and being all "...and the burping" lol and then like "I killed them all, of course". YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP. No, seriously, watching this, in my head I was like: "fake", because it's just too fucking perfect. Or Robert is too fucking dumb?? Both?!??!

But seriously, even before that final episode, this show was just giving me life. And also it was really disturbing. Like I was laughing a lot because so many things were just legitimately funny to me - like just a lot of shit Robert would be saying and how obviously he'd be lying about shit, and just his overall misanthropic ass attitude. But then I'd be super-bothered by things. Like........wtf happened the night his mother died? Why...was she on the roof? And why did his dad wake him up to watch her? All I got from that is that he knew she was going to jump and like brought the kid out to make her feel bad about doing it? But clearly Robert's face maybe...inspired her to go on ahead?? Nah, I'm just joking - but this is 100% how it went down though, right sooo?? 

Um another thing that was disturbing was when that dude I think named Sareb or something discovered the letter in Susan's possessions and like has that lightbulb confirmation moment that Bob was definitely the one who rote the "cadaver" note and he's like choking up with tears and shit and I'm like "omg"...but then later I feel like...he sort of gave Robert the heads-up that Jarecki & co had some info on him and were going to ask about it and that's why Bob was postponing? Or am I wrong about that??? I was disturbed, most of all, though, by Sareb's questionable facial hair choices.

Also when they showed Kathy's niece and she looked just like her - hmmm that was disconcerting. That made me uncomfortable. It was like Kathy talking...hmm. 

Another thing that really bothered me is that apparently Andrew thinks Ryan Gosling looks anything like Robert? Um, hello, cast Mathieu Amalric - you really fucked up with that one. Stick to documentaries, thanx. 

I haven't read the news, because who reads the news??? But apparently Robert has been picked up in New Orleans? Which means nothing to me like he'll probably figure some way to weasel himself out of whatever charges. He's like untouchable in some poor little rich boy sort of way, I think. Like he wants a struggle so bad or something, I don't know. But the moral of this story is that HBO needs to stop fucking around and give me my second fucking season of True D even though Vince Vaughn is in it and ugh maybe not never mind. 

Adios!