The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988)

So I've been wanting to see this forever because of Daniel Day-Lewis, basically. I love DDL. I don't even be liking half his movies. Like Lincoln, are you serious? But DDL's acting alone is what I'm there for. He's like Montgomery Clift for me. Not their acting styles or trajectories or anything, but just that they both share the same trait of being really good actors I love, whose movies I pretty much never do? Or, like, it's not important for me to like the movie, since I'm just there for them. Liking the movie is the bonus. Like have you ever seen Gangs of New York? It's pretty terrible, but DDL as Bill The Butcher is amazing so like accidentally the movie might be? It's the same with Lincoln, though not the same with Nine. Funny, that. 

Anyway! Unbearable Lightness was different in that: 1. didn't like it, but 2. wasn't assuaged by DDL's presence, but 3. was by Juliette Binoche and to a lesser extent Lena Olin? Like they made the movie, and DDL was off to the sideline with his suspicious hairline and accent and I was like "Who cares?" lol. So that was a first. Actually, no, that happened with Nine, too. Marion stole the show. The French bitches win again. Lena is like Swedish or something, tho. But I said "to a lesser extent" up there, so that's enough shade for today. 

So this mess is about some doctor dude who maybe is German? Let's talk about how I have no idea 1. where this movie takes place and 2. what that war stuff happening was. I am honestly garbage, but like all that was completely lost on me. Like I'm watching the movie and several times kinda asking myself shit like "Is he German?" "Is that Russia?", because I'm a simple soul. I.e.: slow.  

So DDL plays some possibly a German, but definitely a doctor, dude named Tomas. Good for him. He's some sort of player. *rolls eyes*. One of his cum dumps is (no) Sabina, played by Lena Olin. Lena's intriguing, so she keeps me from getting grossed out with the whole...thing. Eventch, Tomas meets some bar...tress...named Tereza, played by #frenchactingbae Juliette Binoche. 

Loved Tereza. Idky. Her innocence? She looked like a kitten or something. Also pretty sure she lost her virginity to Tomas? Interesting choice, ngl. Also of course her sensitive ass is the one Tomas wants to wife. His nearly falling apart at the seams dick ass sitting up here tryna lock down a seemingly untouched woman, just getting started on things. And that's where most of my focus lied while watching the film - like, getting annoyed by that lol. There's a whole war and shit going on and I'm like, "ugh Tomas is gross" lol like that's the only place I was ever in. 

I also kind of loved Sabina? ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE DIPPED ON THAT MARRIED DUDE? Idk, it was iconic. And I felt bad for her when she got the letter at the end that Tomas and Tereza were dead (spoiler alert). Like those were her people. Which is a goddamn mess and pretty disturbing, but all the same true. Anyway, still had no idea what this movie was about or trying to be about. Unbearable Lightness of Being. Is being light? Is def unbearable, but idk all about that lightness part. Maybe how fragile life is? Girl, I'm dumb as fuck. But I don't need to be smart to give a thumbs down to what I considered a fairly dry film. No offense, but this coulda been way more interesting? Like there was mad shit going on but okay. No, okay, it was interesting. But not to my specifications. Anyway I should be banned from watching films, let alone writing about them. Who let me out of the cage smh

The Heart Machine (2014)

So I'm starting to get into John Gallagher Jr. I keep seeing him in intriguing shit. Let's ignore The Newsroom, I don't want to talk about that. But he was killing me softly in Short Term 12, making me want to kill him hardly in Hush, and now you give me The Heart Machine, which is like mad creepy and made me uncomfortable the entire time and that was mostly coming from John Gallagher's character, and I don't think it was supposed to be??? 

OKAY!! Okay. So John Gally's character is some dude named Cody for some reason. He has this bangs-having online girlfriend named Virginia. Kaduh your bitch ass is gonna get Catfished, but you wanna be dumb, so here we go! 

Virginia tells Cody she is in Berlin. He is in New York, so this is why their relationship has commenced entirely over Skype. Right away, Virginia is sus just for her bangs and being named Virginia. Cody skyping her dumb ass one day and an ambulance siren rings off in the background, and, honestly? I was fucking screaming. John Gallagher be making these fucking faces that just be having me crying. They literally are the most emotionless expressions, but something in the eyes, I guess? I don't know, but you can see all in his eyeballs that he picked up the siren didn't sound like a fucking...European one. It sounded like some regular ass American ambulance. At first I thought he was gonna hear it on her side and his, but he just picked up that it didn't sound like a German one. Lol like he actually googled it and I wanted to throw up in the street. Idky, but this shit was so funny to me.

It's revealed though, when Cody goes in his stalker's lair where he got photos of Virgy up and maps and shit, that he's been kind of private investigating her for a minute, no? WHY THE FUCK...WOULDN'T HE JUST ASK THIS BITCH IF SHE WAS REALLY IN BERLIN????? I don't understand why he doing all this extra ass investigating for this 2008 ass hipster thot. Like, are you serious lol. Just look into the goddamn camera and be like BITCH IS U LYING TO ME?! He being all white and extra weird about it lol smfh. The MINUTE I suspected this weird bitch was lying to me about being in Germany, I wouldn't even ask for receipts, just straight dead the communication. But the movie wanted to make it like Cody and Virgil had some deep ass connection. Lol okay. Their convos were mad dry but anyway.

OMG REMEMBER WHEN CODY WAS TALKING GERMAN AND NOT EVEN REALLY CONVERSATIONALLY AND VIRGINIA WENT OFF ON HIM?? He was literally just saying random German words, I think? Just kind of joking around? Why couldn't she have fake laughed and called it a day? She fucking went awf on dude like TAKE A HINT WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T LAUGH THE FIRST TIME!! I was screaming like bitch WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!?!??! You are not cute enough to be some crazy lying bitch AND popping off, too. Uh uh, no ma'am. 

REMEMBER WHEN CODY WENT TO THAT DUDE'S HOUSE AND WAS GIVING STRAIGHT UP SERIAL KILLER TEAS? Yo, if I was a coffee shop barista and some awkward customer dude showed up to my place, I definitely wouldn't let him in so he could "pee". This dude was really dumb. Then Cody got in his house and was being all weird and he clocked him for being weird and STILL didn't ask him to immediately leave?? I don't know which white was being more wild. But Cody coming off creepier than Virginia's weird ass catfishing her location was just...great. It was just super wonderful, idk. Was it supposed to be like that lol like it was just tooooooo uncomfortable. 

AND THEN HIM ALMOST MURDERING THAT BITCH IN HER APARTMENT! Lol he was all up in her email and phone and shit. She got shook like...Why are you here? Not to fuck you, that's for sure. Like...why are you doing the most all the time, Cody? He sees some photo Virginia is in with some woman, so stalks her to find out what she knows concerning Virginia's whereabouts? Um, okay, where did you go wrong? Like at what point in life? Go back there and end it all, like I don't understand. 

Cody finally finds Virginia and she's just some regular degular hipster gentrifier. She says she lied about living in Berlin because that's the her she wanted to be or some such nonsense. I was so bothered by Virginia's bangs that I didn't care about her white tears. Oh wait, also didn't she say she lied because her previous relationships all went bunk, so she wanted to distance herself as soon as she met Cody, to give it time to grow, I guess? Um, why are you playing games? Couldn't you tell Cody you wanted to take it slow or whatever? He sitting at home pining, waiting for your dumb ass to get home from Germany and you right down the motherfucking street the whole time. Like.

When Cody was all like "I can't" and walked away from Virginia after she had her little confessional and the movie basically just ended like that, I cried. Not actually, I am a lizard person. But like, internally. And they were laugh tears. I only cry from sadness when I haven't eaten for two hours.

Anyway, this movie was lowkey lit in like a mumblecore, low budget, only five people will ever watch this sort of way. It was definitely the type of thriller I'm into lol like I was getting my life from the bs. Def wanna see more shitty, awkward ass movies like this. Bye.

L'Avventura (1960)

I never connect to Italian films. I don't know what it is...but I just haven't been able to get into what they are serving me. To be fair, though, I don't watch that much. But I have seen like...an okay amount? Both old school and new school, and, honestly? I'm disgusted lol. I don't like how it's done. Whatever their vibe is, I am not jibing with it. 

L'Avventura is no different. It was definitely something I've been wanting to see for a while, though. When I first started doing movie-watching as a hobby, I felt my best bet was to compile a bunch of lists of like all the MUST SEE films. I looked at a bunch of stuff like top 250 AFI or whatever, etc etc, shit like that, and L'Avventura was on most lists like that, so this was def something I've always had in the bank to see. So I get that new FilmStruck app, which I love so far, and they have like so much shit up there ~I've been meaning to see~. A lot I haven't watched because it's like kill me now, but stuff like L'Avventura I just haven't had access to up until recently. So it was lit.

I guess. 

L'Avventura is about...some rich bitch named Anna who disappears on some bougie yacht outing she and her rich bitch squad are having out in the middle of the ocean or some shit. Anna seems unhappy, in like a general malaise, existential crisis sort of way. It comes across like she's frustrated with the long distance relationship she has with her boo, Sandro. Idk, fast forward to her ~disappearing~. There's speculation she drowned, but also a strong feeling amongst the group that she kind of just dipped. So they search for her. During this search, I guess?, Anna's best friend Claudia and Sandro ~fall in love~?? 

Girl, I guess!! 

Like after Anna disappears, like the whole rest of the movie is Claudia and Sandro's weird, uncomfortable ass courtship? They def spend the rest of the movie kind of searching for Anna, but also Claudia gets to the point where she's wishing Anna will stay gone forever?? So she can keep sliding up on her boo, I guess??? THEN SANDRO HAS THE NERVE TO CHEAT ON CLAUDIA. I'm screaming, what an Italian nigga thing to do. Your main girl goes missing? Check, cool. So you start searching for her with her best friend? Check. Y'all start kissing and shit. Makes sense. You basically pre-married to this ho now, so natch, you gotta step out. How are you cheating on the bitch you cheating on your possibly dead but probably just "missing" girlfriend with??????? But more importantly, why is this pretty prime drama, but I cared naught at all??? 

Like, I was bored. Idk what the fuck Italians be on about, honestly. This movie need to be some cheesy American thriller as far as I'm concerned. That is more digestible for my corny ass, okay? Idk what these Italy bitches be saying, okay??? And yes I had subtitles, and NO IT DIDN'T HELP. Translate the nonsense, not just the language, feel me?? 

No, probably not. I'm def watching more Monica Vitti films, though. If I watch Italian films for anything, it's gorgeous bitches. If I get a super-gorj or enigmatic leading lady, you got me. Not, like, to like your film, but to watch at least. That's enough. 

Black Mirror, S3

So Black Mirror is extremely lit. Well, season 3, anyway. This is my first season, tho I plan to churn through the other two pretty soon. I should've started from the beginning, which I usually do because I'm anal (non-sexy one), and OCD and I have to start from the beginning. But there were all these gifs from the San Junipero episode on tumblr and everyone was hyping it so I was like fuck it lemme just watch season 3 and then I'll do the other ones later. It's an anthology series, so it's fine. Though imma be pissed if I go back to watch season 1 and see there's some sort of theme that runs through and all sorts of easter eggs and things of that fucking special snowflake series nature. But maybe I should calm down because literally none of this matters. None of this.

So can we talk about how San Junipero was the maybe weakest episode of the lot? Lol like what were people hyping? The lesbian stuff? Like just because it's lesbian stuff doesn't make it good???? But I did say I was seeing this a lot on Tumblr. They don't know right from wrong over there. Shoulda just kept it cute appreciating this tepid gay shit and let that be that. But what was my ~episode order~? In terms of what I liked? 

1. Hated in the Nation

2. Shut Up and Dance

3. Nosedive

4. Playtest

5. San Junipero

6. Men Against Fire

In terms of like quality (storytelling, acting, etc):

1. Hated in the Nation

2. Nosedive

3. Playtest

4. Shut Up and Dance

5. Men Against Fire

6. San Junipero

So anyway, Hated in the Nation was extremely lit. Like, the litest of all the lits. How come I aint hear no one talking about this one? Bee Movie. Maybe cuz it wasn't memeable or pretty, idk. But like, the bee shit alone. Shrugs, idk. But I thought this episode was super well done and mad intriguing and I was getting my life from the chills it was giving me. Nosedive was similar in the vein of me thinking...it was really creative and interesting. It was funny, but like super-disturbing. I definitely loved all the ideas and the execution as well. Also my #actingbae Bryce Dallas Howard was in it. Just very good. I personally preferred Shut Up and Dance over Nosedive just because I felt more emotionally distraught after. Which I love lol. Nosedive had that happy ass ending (was it even happy or do I just have wayyyy too many problems?), but Shut Up and Dance had me wanting to punch a baby, like you mean to tell me ol' boy I was feeling bad for the whole time was a pedo? Okay, bet. Lol I was heated. But it was a wild ride and I def got my life. 

 

Playtest...the actor dude...that's like Kurt Russell or something's son, right? Idk, but at first he was mad annoying. Lol I was like shut up, brah. But he was amusing at the same time. Also I liked...how this was executed. I loved the idea of the game, and taking gaming to another level. Also this "game" seems like something that would really get made. Actually, all the things presented in Black Mirror seem like realities, which I think is the point, and helps with the sort of fear-mongering tech thriller they present. Um, but I'm annoyed Playtest wasn't called "Mom"??? Is it because this is a UK show and they say "Mum" over there? Wtf is a mum - ENOUGH.

Men Against Fire and San Junie were the weak spots for me. I was still entertained by both, but felt little connection. And that's that lol. Can't wait to watch the other seasons, I hope they are just as lit if not more. Imma have an attitude if they are not as lit. One of my biggest problems in life is shit not being as lit as I hope it to be. You know? Like that shit is so annoying. Just be lit, like what is so hard??

Love (2015)

Yikes, um. If you're going to make an unlikeable ass film like this, at least have the protagonist be played by someone who doesn't make the back of my eyeballs itch. Like, Murphy is awful, yeah? That's unanimously agreed upon by everyone who has seen or will see this movie. But I don't understand the point of casting Murphy with an actor seemingly even more unlikeable than the written character. I know literally zero factazoids about Karl Glusman, and I am not sure I have even seen him in any other movies. For all I know, he's the best! However, like, acting-wise? I wanted to kick him in the throat??? And like, you need to understand I am almost disturbingly lazy. To be dreaming of lifting my leg up even a millimeter off the ground to kick someone in the neck? You know it's serious, okay? I was hating this dude really bad. 

I love...terrible characters. Murphy is a huge loser and on top of that, dumb, and not even cute. He looks weird and is stupid. This is like every character in a French film, so I am expecting this watching one. And I guess I should be also expecting an unlikable actor to be playing a character like this, because that's de rigueur for French films. Does it make a difference that I think this Karl dude is American? Maybe that's what was off? Like a lot of times in French films when dude characters are terrible (which is ALL THE TIME), they at least have that nonchalant French Cool thing to make up for it a bit. But Karl is like awkward and embarrassing? Like a lot?? He just wasn't pulling off being a piece of shit. It was hard to watch, and not in a good way like how most French films? I was distraught.

Is this even a French film? Pretty sure, not one hundred, but pretty is base one hundred for someone too lazy to like...look it up. Anyway, I got what I deserved. 

So this movie is supposed to be some horrible love story, I guess? Concerning this horrible dude named Murphy, and some beautiful bitch named Electra who, even tho a junkie and like also stupid???, deserved WAY better than Murphy? Like Electra was mad pretty and she had a cool accent and those beautiful spaced out comb teeth looking like fucking Betty Blue or some shit - like, I was so annoyed she was attracted to Murphy lol. Outta all the sexy ass French dudes you choose some gawky American asshole? Bitch are you for real? Maybe it was the drugs idk...

The movie starts out with Murphy and his current broad/baby mama Omi jacking each other off. I thought they were going to be the main couple of the movie, then quickly found out that wasn't the case thank god because I wasn't feeling their vibe. Murphy has a baby with Omi and I guess they're booed up. The movie tells the story backwards and eventch we find out that Murphy hooked up with Omi off a threesome he had with her and his former girl, Electra. Could've explained that better, but honestly what we really need to be talking about is how Omi was like sixteen???????????????????????????????????????? Since when are we doing threesomes with sixteen year olds??? Like you think because she has bangs it's okay? Ummmmmmmm nooooooooooooo?????? And like I wanna feel bad for Electra, I guess, for Murphy cheating on her with Omi and getting her pregnant, but flashbacks or whatever reveal Murph was always stepping out, which she knew about, and also she consented to the threesome with the sixteen year old and didn't find anything weird or wrong with it????? So like I don't care??? 

I don't know, this movie made me tired and I didn't, like, care about the shitty ~romance~. The director put some words in Murphy's mouth which I assumed were his own feelings, that said to me he thought he was doing some real new shit with this film. What with what I believe was non-simulated sex scenes, and how ~intimate~ they were. Murphy is supposed to be some ugly film student and he says to a girl in the film how he wants to create movies about sex and love and sex and love together or some such bs, and then also says to Electra how he wants his movies to be made of blood, cum and shit or something?? Because that's what ~~life~~ is or some idiotic pretentious shit. Like how many goddamn French films are just loaded with sex scenes and then book-ended with random scenes where characters have bare, non revealing in any way conversations about existential malaise and how they're so different and want to do things such and such a way because they are so ~out there~ and misunderstood and then someone whips their dick out and there's twenty minutes of that and then they go back to talking about how they want to die, but not like ~everyone else~, and then someone smokes a cigarette and then someone else takes their titty out and then a secondary character kills themselves and the main ones make it about how their romance is the most ultimate romance, and then always there's a threesome, and always there's some skinny bitch popping her pubic bone up on something and there's a bitch in a sundress with no bra on, and then someone drinks coffee out of what looks like a soup bowl, and then someone else drinks water out of what looks like an old timey milk bottle, but there's not milk in it, there's water. And sometimes it's okay because like Juliette Binoche is in it, or Xavier Dolan made it funny, but Love didn't have either of those things going on, so, it was a whomp for me. 

But nice try? #positivevibes2k17 #itwasweirdhoweveryoneelsediedin2k16butnotmelol:(

Fences (2016)

This film was extremely overwrought. But it's a play, I believe, right? Honestly I have no idea and am too lazy to find out, but the way the movie was filmed and how everything played out on like one stage, made it seem like it was written as a play. I love movies that are made from plays because I never get to see real life plays due to being poor and lazy and not feeling like it. Movies are cheaper and more accessible to me, so I like when they give me a little taste of Broadway every now and then. Or, well, off-Broadway, or adjacent-Broadway, because I'm not with that Les Miz, Hamilton bs. But stuff like Fences is definitely up my alley. 

Emphasis on stuff like Fences, because lowkey this movie was a mess?? lol, no, but yes. You know what was TRULY a mess? Denzel. Uncle Denzel. #actingbae. I remember I used to have this internet friend I'd talk about movies with and we were getting on the must discuss topic of Mr. Washington and she said how she didn't like him, how she thought he was over the top. I remembered thinking she prob didn't like him because she was racist (and from Pennsylvania), but I lowkey agreed he be doing The Most. I think I likened him to a black Nic Cage. But, okay, WAS I WRONG? 

I'm sorry for throwing acting bae under the bus a little to appease my boring internet friend who was like super into Simon Pegg movies (smh), but like it was completely on-point. I realllly love Denzel and watch any of the mess he be in, but he is just...so extra. And this was the Most Extra I have ever seen him and I both hated it and thought it was amazing and brilliant. 

I can't tell if I thought Denzel was...like bad, or really good, because his character was doing the motherfucking absolute most from the very start of the film and I was so exhausted and OVER IT right away immediately. Denzie plays some over the top ass never shut the fuck up head ass negro named Troy. He mad boisterous and all bravado, but also a traditionalist, I guess you could call it, and one of them niggas who think they really doing something by fulfilling their obligations. Just barely, but give these niggas a medal. Then of course there's some horrible backstory to it all they're mad nonchalant about like they haven't been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder their entire fucking lives that no amount of therapy in this late stage could even begin to chip away at, and it was just all hitting a little too close to home. I think a big part of me was hating Troy, and Denzel's performance, because it was so accurate and I know dudes exactly like Troy and I was just dying inside. Denzel was still playing to the cheap seats though lol can I get a subtle second, like, just one, baby. Lol no maybe I got one or two but I honestly can't even remember. Maybe Denzel's final shot with him swinging the baseball bat. Or maybe him with the baby on the stairs...maybe that. But barely that, OKAY?! 

Viola plays Troy's wife Rose, and of course she was amazing. Viola is definitely better at acting than Denzel, let's just get that out of the way right now. She can do over the top and make it look like nothing is even happening, if that makes sense, which I'm sure it does not :') But like she had moments in the film--not as many as Denzel, but moments still--where I could tell the direction was like "Just be Extra", and she was, but she made it look poetic, like art. Viola's just amazing and I'm glad she was chosen for the part, because probably anyone else would've shown this schlocky ham-fisted mess for what it is. Viola in it and I'm sitting here thinking this some prestige ass shit. So good casting choice there. I've barely seen any of the other award movies of the year, but give Viola Davis all of the awards. Best actor, actress, supporting, cinematography, direction, fucking...sound mixing, whatever bitch, give it to her. Don't fuck around, it's not a game anymore!!! 

I'm pissed Rose outchea marrying ex-cons--EX CONS FOR MURDER, BTW--, thinking she getting the opposite of an aint-shit nigga. Lol, girlfriend. Troy cheating on you and having an outside baby was prob the least his crazy ass could do. But she wanna act all shocked, talking bout eighteen years. Yeah, eighteen years of bs, smh. Her refusal to pop awf on Troy was truly bothering me. But I guess Rose is a ~good woman~. Idk what sort of good woman choses a murderer to be the father of her child, but anyway lemme stop going in on bae lol. We alllll make mistakes. And shoot if I met Yung Denzel and he was swanging baseballs and shit I'd snap his murdery ass up too, so lemme stop judging her. 

Can we talk about...why Mykelti Williamson is always playing someone, to be politically correct, retarded????? I'm tired of this fool. How is playing slow in the head your niche in the industry, like you honestly have to be joking. Lol I mean he was good, but cum on. You know what's the worst thing I've ever seen Mykelti do? He played a magical negro homeless man on Nashville. Please...please give him an Oscar. Just for that. Or at least...at least a sense of purpose. How are you a more embarrassing actor than that nigga who played Professor Oglevee?? Well maybe not more embarrassing because 1. I have no idea what that dude's name is, and 2. I saw him in a KFC commercial once and I'm not sure he had any lines. Anyway, Popeye's would be a good look for you, Mykeltz. 

Delete my blog, and this movie. Like it was good, but bad also. After the movie ended, people in my theater audience clapped. And I can definitely tell you that Mykelti was a crowd favorite lol. There was also a lot of, what I personally felt, unnecessary laughter. There were definitely some chuckle moments, mostly from Mykelti imo, but there was a lot of laughing at Denzel's character. I honestly was horrified by Troy, so I don't see what was funny. I was so glad when it turned out his character was having an affair and everything started to crumble down around him. That sounds weird to say but I thought this movie was gonna go a more OUR BLACK KANGS ARE SUFFERING AND WE NEED TO SUPPORT & UPLIFT THEM route. But this was written by a white person, though, I think? August Wilson. That name could go either way, idk. But I'm just glad Troy was humbled, and even gladder when he died lol, just keeping it real. He deserved to die. Anyway, can't wait to see hopefully Viola snatch up some awards this season, and also hopefully Denzel so he can give an uncomfortable, condescending, veneers-shouty acceptance speech. This is my dream, my nightmare.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

Yikes. Why the fuck... Am I honestly sitting up here and watching these Star Wars movies?? I don't know who's reading, likely no one hopefully, but if someone is reading this, please understand about me that Stars Wars is like, literally the least shit I could care about, besides, like, baseball. Baseball is like the most dull, useless shit I have ever seent. At least Star Wars has lasers and shit. S p a c e. Space can be cool. If they played baseball in space, then maybe I'd give that dry shit a glance. But prob not because why am I watching niggas hit a ball in space? Find the aliens!!! Now. If you can get aliens cracking bats in space? Then. Then you have me.  

So I give so little of a fucking shit about Star Wars. I've completely ignored the other movies with Harrison Ford and them from the seventies, and then the early-aughts movies with fucking Hayden Christensen for some reason. I only started getting into Star Wars more recently because they put a black dude as the lead (Baeyega), and I was like hmmm. Which I regret, because I was literally soooooo bored by that film. And I had literally no plans to see Rogue and I am not quite sure why I did. I think I saw some cute interview clips of Riz Ahmed and was like Bet. Which, why??? Why am I like this? This movie was literally SO BORING! Wtf.

I don't care all about what was going on, and was falling asleep half the time anyway, so I'm not going to even attempt to discuss the plot, that of which I'm sure barely existed. But excuse me, this movie was full of actors I love. Go Diego Luna, fucking Ben Mendelsohn's lispin ass, fucking...Mads' burn victim looking ass, Alan Tudyk (idk), annnnd Riz. lol not even that many. Def not enough to justify watching this in theaters instead of tearing my eyeballs out and feeding them to an owl. But whatever, I liked seeing them. It annoys me, tho, that movies like this tend to snatch up all these little good, interesting actors and do literally jack shit with them, but okay. 

The only people I felt had something to play with were Donnie Yen and his blind man sage dude, and Alan Tudyk completely stealing the show as that CLEARLY GAY robot dude, or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, but like not asexual, gay. These performances stood out and made me stop falling asleep for a few secs. Riz was giving me a little something with his fidgety kind of nervvy pilot, and Forest was giving me Battlefield Earth teas I guess, doing his mess, but overall this movie was shit and so, sigh, I guess I'll be seeing the next one. When is it? It better be soon and BETTER have my myspace emo queen Kylo in it or I'm popping. the. fuck. awf! (Do I secretly like these movies wtf is going on honestly).