Unnatural (2015)

Um, in what world would all the Native Americans die before the whites in the case of a mutant WOLFBEAR on the loose? 

Well, okay, I guess you could reason, the WOLFBEAR is man-made, not a natural occurrence. The wolfbear was made by evil whites, in particular Sherilyn Fenn, who has a really great Evil White face. So okay, I can get behind that logic. Maybe the Natives would be able to defeat a non-genetically modified bear, but they are no match against some hormones-enhanced, probably not paraben-free wolf stitched haphazardly into a bear mashup beast. Fine, but spare me that James Remar's character would be like the best candidate for survival. I don't care how long he's been hunting in some random mountains, he is white. And not a spicy white like Jason Momoa, okay? Just a regular degular one. Though he was Samantha's match on Sex & the City, and she was even more alarming than a wolf bear, something maybe a lot of people would describe her pussy as??????? And that would be the nicest descriptor. Anyway, I've gone off track. I'm glad. This movie was bad and I don't feel like talking about it :')

So whatever, James Remar, Q'orianka Kilcher (Pocahontas bae. Is that offensive? Probably.), and...some dude named Nate, live in some cabin out in the middle of snowy ass nowhere. I don't know why, I just know they don't have proper electricity. A character doucheily asks Q'orianka's character later in the movie why they live out there and she's all like "You'll never understand". Okay bitch me neither, tf!

Anyway, some photographer dude, his two models and his assistant are coming out to the cabin to do a photoshoot. Sigh. 

1. Why were there like all these weird ~sexy~ shots in the movie? lol, it's cold and I want to see nothing but snowboots and sweaters. How dare you have bitches in this movie skimping around in bikinis? This aint Spring Breakers, bitch, get this shit out my face! One of the main appeals of watching a movie that takes place in a snowy setting is that everyone will be cozied up. But I guess the creators felt this movie really needed some jutty-ass model hipbone all in my eyeballs. Just, everything to do with the ugly ass photographer and his mess was mad lame? A movie just with James Remar and his squad would have sufficed? And then that way the Natives could have had more screentime?? JUST A THOUGHT! 

So whatever, the wolfbear kills one of the models during their photoshoot lol. Then, SMH, Nate got killed off-screen??? THE FUCK YOU MEAN?!?! lol what. He was reminding me of Hanzee from Fargo seaz 2. Like, I thought he was gonna go the fuck in for the rest of the movie? But he just got eaten by the wolfbear offscreen? lol smh, what the fuck even was this movie?? 

So then whatever, Sherilyn Fenn turns up. Didn't ask her to, but I guess this is happening. This whole movie is happening, so why not? Blahblah, basically Sherilyn is a scientist who works for some governmenty science place, doing nature shit idk. I think Sherilyn's excuse is her science place was trying to figure out a way to make polar bears not be an endangered species or whatever? So...they fused one with wolf dna or some mess and it went blitzo. 

Remar suspects Sherilyn's character is shady, prob cuz of her shady ass face, but he isn't able to confirm until he finds a tape recorder of her discussing what her and her geek/evil government science friends are experimenting on.  

Couldn't care less. Especially after they killed off Q'orianka. I was completely over it. This movie had potential, because 1. wolfbear, and 2. political commentary about...whatever lol. Government sciencey shit, idk. The movie had potential, but I felt it was trying too hard to appeal to white people, pretty much. Or like, idk? White teen boiz, specifically? Is that the target demo? It completely never fucking should be.

The Revenant (2015)

Hmm so Leo's pie-faced ass won the Best Actor Oscar for this and it's like..."I guess." I was never here for the GIVE LEO HIS OSCAR campaign. There are so many other actory niggas deserving of that award who...haven't even been nominated. Sam Rockwell being one of the main ones for me. Like I love him so much but clearly The Academy does not? I guess his ass don't be suckin the right dicks. Like I am almost 73% certain Sam Rockwell sux dix, it's just OBVIOUS it's not the correct ones. He probably only sucks the pretty dicks, but I doubt anyone of importance possesses a pretty dick. Pretty much every important nigga is ugly. That's just how it works. They trade beauty for power. Which, yikes. I'd rather have Sam Rockwell wanna suck my d, than be like, Harvey Weinstein, ya feel me?? 

I'm sure you do!!! You know who else deserves an Oscar over Leo? DID YOU ANSWER TOM HARDY?! If not, leave this blog. I don't want you here if you said, like, Mark Rylance. MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT AND ANYWAY HE ALREADY HAS AN OSCAR SO WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. Omg I was so heated when Tommy didn't win in his category. I aint even see Bridge of Spies, but wowww that movie looks dry as fuck???? And TOM HARDY IS TOM HARDY AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD? HOW THE FUCK LEO GOT AN OSCAR BEFORE ONE OF THE BEST ACTORS OF HIS GENERATION??? The fuck? But you know who had one of the best performances of the year? Abraham Atta from Beasts of No Nation. And what was that boy, like, ten?? Come on. But you givin' Leo's grown ass Oscars for sleeping in a horse and fighting a CGI bear? Like, it wasn't even a real bear?? AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE CLIP THEY PLAYED FOR HIM AT THE OSCARS WAS HIM SPEAKING IN NATIVE TONGUE AND YOU COULD LIKE TELL WHOEVER CHOSE THAT CLIP WAS LIKE "Oooh look at him speaking in non-white. Give him ALL the awards. Or at least let's not nominate Abraham for a way better performance :). Also let's completely ignore Sam Rockwell forever because he won't suck our dix :')) Sam Rockwell totally carried Moon all by himself but who caressss :)) Also Tom Hardy totally carried The Revenant and also that bear but let's nommy Leo who like, barely spoke??? :')))))" 

I will never stop tryna drag Leo because I think he's lame and he smokes e-cigs. He wears like bootcut jeans with those weird newsboy caps. And I'm pretty sure he smashed Rihanna but like desperately wants people not to know? WTF. He's trash and like not even remotely close to Daniel Day-Lewis' level, or even like, Rami Malek's. A TV actor. (No shade I love Rami lol) Leo aint out here stuntin on hoes like people try to act. He's...goodish. And I like watching his round face say things in movies. And he actually almost brought the house down in Revolutionary Road. But he aint THE BEST. Imma need yall to chillllllll. 

But I actually maybe loved this movie! lol. I love to complain like omg. Im sittin here writing three poorly-worded paragraphs tryna come for Leonardo's neck when I actually enjoyed the film and he did a pretty good job? I just have VERY high standards. For everyone else, not for myself peep the blog :') But yeah, this movie was lit. Being a ~movie buff~, I watch SO MUCH SHIT. I am verrrrry immune to a lot at this point. Watching movies has been my job for a solid...ten years now. I mean, not my job like I'm actually getting paid (ugh i wish kill me), but for me, it's a serious hobby. And everyone with a serious hobby know that shit basically means: nonpaying ass fulltime fucking job. I'm...so tired. 

So I love when I watch something that is different. I get very excited. This was a tough movie, though. It was...is dense the word? Mmm idk. But it's one of those movies where you go to the theater and leave with red eyes and a fucking headache. I love those movies but I am so tired of living so it's just...you know, tough. And sometimes these tiring ass movies aren't even good. But The Revenant was. I liked that the ~roughness~ of the movie came in the form of like...a long ass bear attack and Fitzgerald's racist, horrible, demonic ass. Also, there was mad terrifying action? Like when Leo went over that cliff with the horseWTHAT THE FUCCKKKK. I was mad tired, but extremely entertained. That bear attack, though. That bear attack, like, seeing it in the trailers, that's the main thing I wanted to see. Even more than my baby girl Tom. I am...obsessed with bear attacks. That should be included in ratings. This movie includes: sex, profanity, wild partying, bear attacks. Sex, profanity, wild partying? Girl who cares. Wait. DID YOU SAY BEAR ATTACKS? I will watch, and be subsequently horrified, by any shit with bear attacks. It fills me with pleasure. I don't want to be like this, but it is how I am. I feel like that's like...the child molester's anthem.

Anyway enough about the Woody Allens of the world. LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT BEAR ATTACK!!

I actually almost hate this now-iconic scene because people kept making jokes about it? And none of them were funny??? Remember when they panned to that bear at the Oscars and then the camera went to Leo and he was like

Just, enough. But people gettin' hype over the scene was much-warranted. Like, IT WAS LIT!! THAT BEAR ATTACK WAS MAD EXTENSIVE LOL OMG. When the bear went away after the first attack I was like...I AM SO TIRED OMG. Like I was squirming and cringing in my seat while he was gnawing on Leo and when it went away I just breathed a sigh of relief like okaayyy that's over and now everything is fine. BUT I SHOULDA KNOWN BECAUSE LEO WAS BARELY DEAD AT THAT POINT. Omg WHYYY DID HIS DUMB ASS SHOOT AT THE BEAR. That's what yo ass get!!! You wanna shoot at niggas and NOT expect they gon eat yo ass? GIRL, OKAY!! Omg when that bear was thrashing Leo around. Whewww that shit was funny. But also it made me wonder if this is what happened to the Grizzly Man and his girlfriend. BUT I WOULDN'T KNOW BECAUSE BITCH ASS WERNER HERZOG KEPT THE AUDIO. Punk ass!! Why......................am I so salty Werner aint play that audio? What is my...problem??? 

So the bear attack was lit. Leo wasn't dead enough for me, tho, ngl. And then when they were ~burying him alive~........they barely threw dirt on him? I feel like the trailers implied he was gonna be bustin' through a grave??? So I was salty about that. He basically just had to brush some dirt crumbs away??? And he wasn't even dead? That's not exactly a revival, Alejandro Iñárritu. Like, girl you tried it!! 

I was sad Leo's baby got killed, tho? :((( I wasn't here for that??? AND I WAS NOT HERE FOR FITZGERALD'S CRUSTY ASS BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WAS???? Was it because he was played by Tom Hardy and his toof? Like this nigga was strutin' around being mad annoying with these little scraps of hair and it was just like..."this nigga...". But I lowkey loved him. He was mad entertaining and, inappropriately?, the comic relief? But it's like we needed comic relief from...mainly grief caused by him? What a total Gemini. Like, if Fitzgerald is not a Gemini I'd be really surprised but he might be a Cancer. I'd buy that as well. Anyway, where is Tom Hardy's Oscar? Do you think this is a joke? JAKE GYLLENHAAL SHOULDA BEEN NOMINATED FOR NIGHTCRAWLER YALL ARE REALLY PLAYING GAMES!!!