Betty Blue (1986)

I've been obsessed with seeing Betty Blue ever since that episode of Peep Show where Mark stalks that girl at university. "Classic sex and suicide flick" I think his awkward, serial killery vibes ass calls it. Intrigued immediately! Except, haha, who commits suicide, ha, in this film?!?!??? 

The whole time I'm sitting up here waiting for Betty Blue to off herself and lo and behold she is MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD by her ~*~adoring and loving boyfriend~*~. Um, okay?! UM, OKAY. Like, Betty definitely had mental problems, but this is a French film, everyone in French movies has mental problems. It's like de rigueur. I mean, clearly, because Betty is up in here stabbing bitches with forks and slicing flamboyant book publishers in the face and no one ever...sections her. She doesn't get sectioned until she gets that bad haircut??? Like, that's what pushes it to the limit. Très french. Wait lol no it was definitely her Houstoning her own eyeball that sent her to the loony bin, but smh at letting it get that far. BUT EXCUSE ME! At any point is Betty suicidal? Don't tell me Zorg not getting any acceptances from the publishers had this bitch wishing for death. Don't tell me that cuz it's not true and I don't even think she was suicidal in general and miss me with Zorg thinking he could just off her cuz they were ~keeping them apart~ because she was in an INSANE ASYLUM. Maybe if he had properly tended to the bitch way way back, none of this would have happened. She set your fucking house on fire? And you thought that was cute, I guess? No red flags were waving for you? You do know...that fire is sort of...red? And wavy??? 

I am just upset because Mark Corrigan falsely led me to believe I'd be seeing a good ol sex and suicide flick lol. First off: not enough sex. Just gonna be honest. Loved the opening scene with them straight fucking - nice. But, hmmm, no real repeats of that lol. But Betty and Zorg's relationship was cute and intimate so I guess that...made up for the lack of bareback ass fucking every other scene :/. And I'll just ignore how dysfunctional they were because this is a french movie and that's just how it is, okay? However, I refuse to accept Zorg just killing Betty like all willynilly. Why couldn't he wait for her to get better? AND WHY DID MARK SAY THERE WAS SUICIDE IN THIS MOVIE WHEN THERE WAS NOT?! After Zorg smothered Betty I was like "ha, okay, so I guess he is going home to hang himself ha" :). Except :) he :) didn't? :) He just :) got :) inspired :) to :))) write :') 

Whatever, did I like this movie or nah? I can't decide. Usually when I can't decide that means I did. I need to let the dust settle. The dust from like, my explosion of anger over no scene of Zorg slowly walking up to the bedroom while Edith Piaf or some shit is blasting loudly from the phonograph and he discovers Betty hanging from the naked woman tie that dude wore to his mother's funeral. Cuz black comedy. I mean I guess you sort of gave me that scene when Zorg came up to the house and their whole bathroom and shit was covered in Betty's blood. And then that ginger dude told Zorg Betty cut her eyeball out and Zorg's fake ass is acting like she got sent to the camps. The ginger dude is all "at least she didn't die", but then Zorg wants to be crying, sliding down walls or whatever acting like she did? He's such a writer ugh. Anyway, I took a bunch of screenshots eventho I tried not to sigh. This is what I get for having a ~*~movie blog~*~. I can't watch anything normal. But tbh, most movies should be watched with the mindset of "What the fuck am I going to write about this mess later?". Makes the medicine go down easier. Anyway I'm a terrible writer and a blogspot blog is 100% my lane. I'm on the right track :') I bet Zorg's book is shit :') Betty doesn't even look like she can read :') Am I just saying that because her teeth look like something you'd use to detangle donkey hairs? :') I really love her teeth she just looks really stupid :') 

I really did not want to screencap. I really want to be...good...to be a good and proper alien in human being skin. But when I saw Zorg sashaying around in those little ass shorts and that canary yellow tanktop...I was no longer able to keep up the façade that I do not have a myriad of horrifying mental ailments. And look at that other one! Is that a newsboy cap?! Bruh.

I kept trying to get the perfect capture of the two of them :( Is that old dude using a shoe string as a belt? :( Does he play the sax? :( Why is Zorg so cute in that tank top but at the same time very killable?? :( Do you know for mostly the whole movie I had no idea what his name was until mostly the very end when Betty said his name right after I wondered aloud what his name was? :( And then she said "Zorg" like that's just some shit anyone should be called :(

:( Zorg had nice legs :(

I think I capped this because Betty had just thrown a can of paint on Zorg's boss' car. That was like that first real ~cray~ thing she did, right? And then pretty much after this it was all hell breaking loose with her almost killing that dude and then throwing all their shit out of the house and then she fucking set it on fire and then...like a million other manic pixie dream girl actions. Or, just, like, manic...pixie...girl. Without maybe the "dream" part? Like, she's no Natalie Portman dancing in her epilepsy helmet to The fucking Shins. Betty almost killed a guy. Like, lol, multiple times??? 

Ah. I thought...sigh, I thought it was so cute how into Zorg's book Betty got. Like, sigh, IT WAS SO CUTE. Maybe their relationship was a mess and Betty was basically Rochester's attic wife, but sigh, they were really adorable. Man, idk, maybe it's the accent. 

ZORG IS SO CUTE TO ME MAKE IT STOP LOOK AT HIS FUCKING SWEATER UGH SIGH

lol that rejection letter Zorg got from one of the book publishers was entirely unnecessary and cruel. But also it reminded me of a "review" someone wrote for one of the ebooks I published. They were all like "seek help". Sigh, I'm an ebook publisher. More than Zorg can say haha :(

Lol this was funny. Where did Betty lie and say there were going? Idk, to get food? Or, no, to get her IUD...moved? Lol what. Zorg should've known. Look at that publisher dude, tho. That robe is very cunt. His face is very sliceable, tho, so I don't fault Betty in this scene lol moving on!!

The bust is all "That's none of my business..."

UGH THEY ARE SO CUTE. No I've decided I like this movie and it's adorable and not just because they have accents and if this were an American film it'd be really shitty and star like Ryan Reynolds and whatever new up and comer ho is fucking Harvey Weinstein at the moment. Ugh imagine Ryan Reynolds as Zorg. He'd never be able to pull off those shorts. Does it seem like I hate Ryan Reynolds lol I actually love him despite his teeth and various other beaver-sized flaws :')

I'm just gonna post a bunch of screenshots I took of that douchey cop lol he'd probably kill any black dude he saw on-sight, but sigh, he was a treat :')

his fucking roll-out, just, :")

lol what are these screenshots like what is that one of the top of his hat lol. Do these properly capture how douchey/amusing the cop was, tho? Can you tell he started singing after Zorg told him he was an expectant father? Ol boy just started singing instead of giving Zorg a ticket? Idk, it was beautiful. 

Oh, should I talk about...that...weird, like, ginger butcher dude who...owned the store that Zorg and them's apartment was over? NO. No.

Those fucking teeth <3 Béatrice Dalle is so fucking cute and omg @ this being her first movie. I love when someone's first movie is like their ~breakout role~. Why? Idk leave me alone. 

PLEASE!!! imdb tells me she--lol omfg. In her imdb bio it's all "Known for her problems with justice, her relationship with rapper Joey Starr, and her explicit talking...". YAAS. I need to get into this bitch. At first I was primarily intrigued that she dated Joey Starr, whom I know so little about but just enough to know that dating him is at least a little bit scandalous, but mmm girl, idk. Just a cursory glance at Béatrice's imdb page tells me maybe dating her is scandalous. Lol "explicit talking and problems with justice". r u me? They also describe her as a rockstar and rebellious and beautiful and she basically sounds like French Rihanna?? I'm getting into this ho immediately give me all the movies omg I hope she's naked in all of them and she has that little tummy pooch oh lord I've fallen down the rabbit hole again why does this always happen?!

She's so cute even like this!!! Possibly even...cuter? I want. to d i e.

Yo, this cat, tho. Wasn't this cat watching over Beatrice's body like just a few scenes before she decided to give herself pirate eyesight? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. 

I thought Zorg crying in the hospital was really funny and over-dramatic. He's all up on the window lol he's so fake

I thought...this negrum was fucking, lol, out here about to prostitute himself to like, pay Béatrice's medical bills? lol idk I'm screaming @ me, but also this is a French film so, come on.

But nah! He dressed as a woman...so he could sneak back into the hospital AND KILL HIS GIRLFRIEND?!?! He's all "They can't keep us apart". lol, guess not.

SIGH. SO THIS NEGRO IS SITTING UP HERE STARTING A NEW NOVEL INSTEAD OF BEING WORRIED THAT THE POLICE WILL BE AFTER HIS ASS FOR KILLING HIS GODDAMN GIRLFRIEND. FOR MURDERING A HUMAN DAMN BEING. BUT NAH, WRITE A BOOK!!! VERY MUCH WRITER!!!!!!

lol @ Zorg talking to the cat like she's Béatrice and then the cat turning away and looking at the audience like, "...this nigga"

gpoy

Listen Up Philip (2014)

Sigh, I love Jason Schwartzman. He's like 4 centimeters tall and has the body shape of a pillow. His eyebrows take up 74% of his face. He is...perfect?? And like he totally plays the same character in everything? Wait, no, he's totally...diversified?? Like in Slackers he played some creepy loser with a little locked room and I saw him in this movie about drug addicts where...he played a drug addict. Except he was still just doing what he usually does?? In both those roles??? And all other roles also?? But what he usually does works, so thanks!!! Thanks!!!

Here in Listen Up Philip, Schwartzenegger (ug h) plays a dick. Pretty sure J-Schwartz plays a dick in everything? But like on a variant scale. Like black on one side and white on the other and then a million shades of grey in the middle okay cool good like analogy ugh. So in Bored to Death, J-Schwartz is leaning more towards the white side on the scale (shade?). And in Rushmore he leans more black, right? Wait why do I think his character in Bored to Death is less worse than his character in Rushmore? That dude in Rushmore was a kid and J-Schwartz's character in Bored to Death was a grown human adult male playing detective for a living like that's just some shit you do. Anyway! Philip Lewis Friedman is definitely leaning black on this scale of dick. He is like way over there. But not as over there as he could be??? I mean, not as over there as I'd like him to be that's what I meant. 

Philip is a novelist. So like automatically a dick by default. It's tough to scale down from that you know? It's like okay you're a novelist, so you're punted so fast up that dick scale and then it's like...we've barely scratched the surface and bet that once that surface is scratched, only more dickish things will be revealed, for instance that you eat the non-honey nut Cheerios, or you're the type of person who doesn't flush in public restrooms. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? Philip, probably. Philip is probably one of those people? Like, he'd specifically take a huge clotty dump in the bathroom at the mall and not flush on purpose and just walk out without washing his hands because he is a dick, and that's just what dicks do. He's the human embodiment of a piece of shit. Actually, a public restroom toilet bowl full of pieces of shit. And you just know Philip can't even make proper dumps, they're just little rabbit balls. Anyway, I'm projecting. And anyway I was just trying to say that it's super-hard to not be a huge dick when you start out as a ~*~writer~*~. It's like you never had a chance. Like kids born into sewers, or Florida. 

So Philly is a book writer and idk I think his second novel is coming out? So that's nice. Wait I forgot so many things about what happened in this movie because I literally watched it a month ago and my lazy ass is only now just getting around to writing about it. Who told me to write about it? NO ONE. But I have this thing where I have to write about everything I watch which, sigh, is so hard because I watch so much unwatchable shit first of all and it's like--Actually, the unwatchable shit is the easiest to write about. Shit like Listen Up Philip, mediocre-y sort of interesting indie films, are usually the hardest. Because I like them usually, in a sort of "mas o menos" sort of way? But it's like, how do you write about something you mostly sort of okayishly liked and it was alright and had some good moments?? It's just...sigh, so much easier to write about ridiculous shit like Hider in the House. I mean, I prefer to write about mess like that. Listen Up Philip was like, too non-ridiculous enough for me. Why couldn't Philip have been way worse? Like he was a douche but it's not like he kicked any babies into an incinerator, you know? That would be a really great ~~movie moment~~. Anyway, I'm ruined. Why isn't every movie Mommie Dearest? Sigh, life is hard as hell. At least I'm not the actress who played either child or adult Christina in Mommie Dearest. Both those hoes were looking rough. Anyway, here are a few screencaps I took. There are only like five? Sigh, you can tell a movie is not pleasing me in the horrifying ways I wish to be pleased when I only take five screenshots smh

I love Elisabeth Moss and she was really cute here as usual and bringing the acting chops also as usual. She played Philip's way too good for him girlfriend, Ashley. I actually liked that the movie focused on her so extensively, I thought? Right like she had a lot of screentime after Philip left her and she was trying to put herself back together and get over him? She's great. But anyway I took this s/c because of the cat. That cat was lowkey the best thing about this movie? I mean, cats usually are. I hate cats tho, I think. In movies they're cool but whenever I see them outside in real life they're always staring like they have some sort of eye problem and I just want to know do these hoes need a recommendation for the nearest optometrist OR WHAT?!

This was funny. Had a good...had a nice, hearty chuckle.

omg I laughed at this shit for a fucking ETERNITY. One of Philip's hype ass students like asked him for a recommendation or something, right? Idk bitch but he just straight up refused whatever this girl asked for it was so funny and rude and this is why I love me some J-Schwag. ...... ....... .... .. .

Why won't God take me? Lucifer? Sigh am I gonna be the type of person who has to live forever cause neither God nor Satan's bitch ass wants me to join their squad? Sigh, typical.