Hider in the House (1989)

1. I watched this mess on YouTube

2. I took 145 screenshots while doing so

Let's do this!!!

Opening credits. This is the title card, because it's the title of the movie, Hider in the House.

I couldn't get closed captioning, as I was watching a shitty copy of this mess, as I said, on YouTube. But the opening credits sequence has some like...voiceover shit where Young Gary Busey is being terrorized by his seemingly alcoholic, abusive father. There's a mother and she's like a doormat type who can't help Baby Gary. There's a lot of...screaming?? The dad is yelling for Gary Busey to open his door or some shit? He comes home and sees a crumb on the floor or something idk. The point is to impress that Young Gary had a horrible childhood. 

See????? SEE THE BRUISES?!?!! Is that Gary Busey's in-real-life kid? I can't believe--CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING WILLING SEX WITH GARY BUSEY? AND THEN GIVING BIRTH TO HIS GARY BUSEY SHAPED CHILD?? Wait - why am I assuming the sex was willing lol #pro rape jokes blog I guess? Siiiiiigh

LOOK AT THE SCARY PICTURES BABY GARY DREW. Wait - what is his character's name? Oh, okay, Tom. He drew a thing of his dad burning him with cigs. Looks like the dad's naked? And Tom has a...charred up body? Maybe from all the cigarette burns?????? 

HERE IS A DRAWING TOM DID OF HIM BURNING HIS PARENTS TO DEATH!!! You can't just have a protagonist of a movie burning his parents to death without giving some backstory as to whyhhyyyy. Hence the totally over-the-top opening credits sequence and these weird fucking drawings and shit. Also, I guess the backstory is good for explaining all the rest of the events that happen in the movie?? Like, for instance, why Gary wears bad jeans the entire time?????? Bad jeans Dad Jeans TOM IS EMULATING HIS DAD, HE HAS INHERITED HIS TASTE IN PANTS AND POSSIBLY ALSO HIS TASTE IN TERRORIZING FAMILIES HMMMM

Nah, but for real, this post has barely begun and already I regret every single fucking thing I have ever done in my life. 

:)

Okay, let's continue!!!!!!

After Tom burns up his parents, he's sent to an insane asylum. This is some white kid shit, but OKAY.

After some years - a lot, judging by Gary's fucking appearance in present-day - Tom is released from the insane asylum. I'm assuming...it's based off of whatever a judge said. Like when he was charged as a young one, a judge was probably like "okay, so, twenty years or whatever in an insane asylum"...which shouldn't be how these things work. Cuz...how do you know this person will be "fixed" by that time? Um, you don't. It should be up to the doctors or whatever to decide when asylum patients leave. Unless I missed something in the movie and they had actually determined he was fit to leave? Idk, back to that later. But it's...it's like pretty clear immediately Tom oughta stay his ass locked up, like, hence this entire movie, but okaaaaay. 

These shitty screencaps with a fucking link on the bottom are from when Gary/Tom goes to his boarding house, where he's been living after being released from the loony bin. Was this a boarding house? Idk, it was some cracky house ass place where probably people who have no credit or money go to kill themselves with one final heroin injection??? Anyway, Gary asks this dude for his mail and messages and shit. The dude is smoking a cig and he's like...getting the little ashes on Gary's arm? Gary's like HEY WATCH IT! Maybe he doesn't yell it at first? Cuz the dude definitely gets the ashes on him again and Gary spazzes and is choking him and shit. Then he realizes what he's doing and let's the dude go, apologizing. He's all like "woosah" or some shit to himself. NO, BUT YOU'RE FINE. YOU TOTALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN LET OUT. EVERYTHING'S SWELL!! NO ONE WILL BE MURDERED WHILE YOU ARE OUT WALKING ABOUT AS A FREE MAN. PRETTY SURE OF IT!!! 

Gary visits his psychologist from when he was in the loony bin. The dude asks about some drawing Gary did with him hiding under a sink. Gary is like "it's comfortable". The psychologist dude tries to get Gary to correct himself and understand hiding under a sink does not make him feel comfortable, but "safe". Like what is the fucking difference but okay. 

The psychologist dude then states that this session is their last mandatory session. Keyword, pal: MANDATORY. I don't understand why the scene is written to make it seem like Gary's ass can't go to therapy anymore, or why the therapist dude can't suggest that Gary keep going, even though he isn't required to do so. ??? Is it because this dude is located in the state loony bin and Gary like isn't allowed to keep seeing specifically him orr?? No, because Gary definitely sees him again later in the movie so???? This is a mess way too soon in the game. 

At the psychologist's, he asks Gary about his living situation. Gary is like "I've decided I want to live in a house". Homeboy doesn't ask Gary exactly how the fuck he's going to go about achieving that, seeing as how he doesn't have a job, and was just recently released from an insane asylum. But the doctor wants to play dumb and is like "oh, what about a boarding house?" and Gary nods like "uh huh". He clearly was talking about a house house!! Ugh, come on. So Gary goes on a search for this dream house. He sees one being renovated while he's creeping around some neighborhood. It's go time. 

Gary breaks into this house, which is, at the time, unoccupied. But Gary is clearly expecting it to not be very soon, as he builds this little hiding space for himself in the attic. The whole time Gary was building this little room I was wondering where he got the tools and wood and shit. Did he steal them? And, if not, where'd he get the money to buy them?? And also he has this little miniature model home of the current house he's living in? Aren't those things expensive???? I guess I should be focusing more on how he's...like...expending all his energy on residing in some little space in a house that doesn't belong to him, instead of starting his own life, in his own home...but all I could think about was how much all this would cost. I guess he spent what little he did have on supplies and that model home and like, hella scrimped on wardrobe, because seriously he looks a hot mess in this movie and those jeans are a fucking travesty. So, I guess everything makes sense now :) Glad I worked that out with myself :))

So Mimi Rogers pops up one day. She and her shitty little family are moving into the house Gary's attic is in. She's all excited and shit about moving in. There's some horribly gross scene where the whole family comes into the house and it's like a commercial for Purina Dog Chow or some shit idk it's disgusting. They're all YAY HAPPY FAMILY OMFG!!! 

So the family dog - I think named Rudolph??? - runs up to the attic and finds Gary's little hiding space. The thing about this little gate thing that Gary is looking out of, is that it has a covering. Why the fuck is fam pushing his face up against it so the fucking dog can sense him instead of putting the little cover over the square and falling back??? Hellooooo?? He doesn't do that, though, and the dog is barking and making all this noise and shit. So Gary is like poking sticks through the gate at the dog, and then he sprays some chemical shit in its eyes?? The dog runs back downstairs. 

When the dog runs out of the house I'm screaming because it's funny to me that dogs can't talk human English and properly communicate with their masters. Like, Rudolph can't be like "Ayo, there's a nigga up in the attic..." He just comes skipping out of the house like "welp, not my problem"...but in like dog speak. But how awkward must it be to be a dog and see all kinds of scary life-threatening-to-humans shit and never really be able to get across what's about to kill them? I guess that's what the whole concept of Lassie was about?? But probably dogs don't give a shit as long as you feed them. And then if you get murdered by Gary Busey they could just maybe get Gary to feed them??? 

Here Mimi and Rudolph hear a thump upstairs because Gary is careless as hell with how he moves his body about the house. Like, no one would describe him as light on his fucking feet. Mimi's like to her husband, "hmm did u hear a noise?" and he offers some bullshit explanation like "house noises" or whatever. This movie has pretty much the same formula as all haunted house movies. Except a ghost isn't haunting the house in this particular film, Gary Busey is. Which is definitely worse, as he is sentient, and fucking humungous. Also he has wooden dentures. Which begs the question: What did he do to get them? Hmm???

This is Gary playing with his miniature model home thing. He's done up figurines of everyone in the house, including himself. I think I capped this because his little figure person was substantially larger than the other ones. Crippling self-awareness. 

I think I took this screenshot picture capture because of Michael McKean's glasses. Very aesthetic. Michael plays the husband/father and he's sort of a dick. Which we find out later, partially has to do with him having an affair? Like he blames his snappy behavior on stress from the affair??? Here's a think: Don't have an affair! Wow, look how easily I just fixed every single one of your problems!! 

Here G-dog is watching Mimi Rogers swim naked. It was funny to me that he just flagrantly approached the window and was just boldly standing there. You...you do know people can look up, right?? Now, you don't seem like the sharpest tool, but...I'm sure you're knowledgeable about how fucking human heads work. 

So...here Mimi gives Michael a housewarming present. It's some fucking pot or some shit she made. Right away, Michael doesn't give a fuck and his reaction is less than enthusiastic. Mimi doesn't catch on as quick as the audience is so obviously immediately supposed to, and she's like beaming at his limp ass thank yous and compliments. 

Then,

!!! These screenshots don't properly capture it, but the way he instantly dismisses the gift is so. fucking. funny. To me, anyway. Like his fake ass compliments were so weak and it lasted for like 2 seconds and then he just tosses the pot vase thing to the side like "ugh, okay, enough of that" !!!!! It's sooooo rude omg. And I have NO IDEA why I care about this, or why we really need scenes concerning this couple's shitty marriage but omg it's the best?? Like, it's the best??

LOOK AT HER FACE. She was fucking devastated omg it was so awkward why do I feel baaaad for her but also why am I laughing sooooo hard??????

And then Mimi gets into bed and Michael tries to sidle up and she's like "I think we should just go to sleep." And Michael is all nasty about it like, "Jesus, I said thank you!!" HE IS A FUCKING DIIIICK. And the way he tosses over to his side of the bed like some child omg please divorce him omg you don't even know about the affair yet why are you married to himmmmm

Gary is eating out of a can of beans with a knife? ..He...he couldn't have...stolen a spoon from the house??? I......  And also he was eating a fucking snowball with the knife??? You know those like little snack cake things and it's chocolate pastry and then marshmallow and shredded coconut?? He was eating one of those with like a fucking hunting knife???? Like using it as a fork?????? 

The dog comes back up to the attic and Gary kills it. Offscreen, at least, but still. I've actually seen this movie before and I thought I remembered everything, but I 100% forgot he kills animals/people. Lol, so...that was a nice...re-shock. Also I forget this movie is supposed to sort of be a horror film? Like an actual horror film, not just like: this movie is accidentally a horror film because Gary Busey is in it. But I'm thinking it's supposed to be more about how this fucked up dude ends up living in someone's attic and like the movie gets into the psyche of it??? I mean, I guess they do, but they also have Gary acting like fucking Jason Voorhees so idk!! 

Gary walks around the house at night while everyone is asleep. He's going through the fridge and shit. Hey, pal, while you're in there - maybe pick up a fucking spoon?? Get some utensils, friend!! 

The girl child sees Gary lol and he like tells her to shh and runs away. 

She goes to tell Mimi. But instead of being fucking articulate, she's like "Mommy, the man scared me". Like, UGH. E l a b o r a t e, please! This bitch just thinks you're whining about some fucking closet monster or some shit like you usually fucking do!! Hello, you've seen an actual monster!! Get way more hype and say wayyy more things wtf!!! Like I get you're only four years old or some shit, but wasn't Matilda making pancakes at that age??? Get with the program, Sally!! 

There's some creepy neighbor named Gene who watches Mimi from his window. This dude couldn't look any gayer, yet you want me to believe he's tryna get into Mimi's jeans?? LOOK AT MY DUDE, COME ON!! LOOK AT HIS FUCKING MOUTH!!

YO I JUST FOUND OUT THIS DUDE IS THE FATHER OF FUCKING CRISPIN GLOVER OMG EVERYTHING MAKES SO MUCH FUCKING SENSE OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

An exterminator comes through to kill rats and shit in the attic. Gary is locked up in his little area and being poisoned so yada yada yada the exterminator ends up dead. 

Gary goes back to see his asylum therapist. He says concerning things about how he doesn't want to burn anyone to death again like he did to the rents, but if he has to defend his house, he will. The doc is like "..." and then he picks up the phone like "lol just gotta make a phone cally real quick!!" It's funny because it's clear he's making like an emergency phone call about Gary. 

He called his boss person, I guess? He's like, "I don't think Gary was ready to be released", but the guy says something about how he hasn't shown sufficient evidence he's a threat to society (lol okay??) and that they can't keep him. But why are we talking about keeping him - why was this crazy nigga even released??? The fuck

So the boy child is new at school

He sees a group of boys gathered around this one dude with a mullet Zack Morris 'do telling a story. He walks up like, "HAHA, is that the dog poo story?" 

The queen of this boy group who's telling the story is like "Dog poo?! No - it's the dog shit story!" IT'S THE FUNNIEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN. 

Then the actual star of this movie asks the boy one who taught him to walk up to conversations that didn't fucking involve him. Yo, this cunt is really stealing the film. It's beautiful. 

Look at his face. Look how immaculately he is fucking going. in. 

lol then he snatches up the boy one by the ear like MIND YOUR BUSINESS, DWEEB. Again, beautiful. Truly gorgeous work. 

Then later the boy one is crying to mommy about how he hasn't made any friends on the first fucking day. He's like, "Why can't I go back to my old school?". And she's like "...Cuz we're not in that district anymore." I don't know why that was so funny to me, but it was. Also, she's like...running her nails up and down his back here?? Do...do parents do this?? This kid is going to be raping co-eds in college the minute he brahs on campus. Prob Duke University. You can just smell it on him. 

So Mikey comes home from a long day at work at his business jobbie. He's all salty and shit. Mimi comes in the room and he screams "DON'T SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!!!!" Mimi is like "...I wasn't sneaking up on you...??" Lol, and she wasn't??? She walked into the room...like from the front?? Where his chair was facing?? lol This nigga is touchy. 

Immediately he starts popping off. Something about some misplaced spreadsheets or some shit? He's blaming Mimi because he said he had his briefcase on his desk, but it was moved. Of course, Gary moved the briefcase, and he has the spreadsheets. Mimi's like, "okay, I didn't touch your briefcase??" Then Michael starts spazzing on her because she wants to talk about some business with the house. He's all like "HOUSE HOUSE HOUSE! THAT'S ALL YOU TALK ABOUT!! SPEND SOME FUCKING TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY!!!" But like, hypocrite much or?? Also, his claims aren't even based in fact? And also Mimi's job does appear to be handling the house stuff while Michael works so??? Like, what does he expect her to do?? He's just going off for no reason. Mimi's like "can you stop yelling, though??" And Michael is all "I'M NOT YELLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The kids and Gary are all in their beds during the daddy spazzing scene, listening and getting scared and shit. The little girl is crying, Gary is rubbing a fucking rabbit's foot on his face or some shit - but my fave reaction shots are from the son, who would be the actual secret star of this film if it weren't for his amazing schoolyard bully. But anyway, he's giving me a lot in his reaction shots. A lot of face, a lot of little child actor almost-tears. And the best is when he just yells "shut up!!". Like, it's amazing. He put to shame anyone who has ever played Hamlet on stage or screen. Just a beautiful, crushing performance from a kid whose character's name I refused to remember. Zachary? Jake? Sure! Todd? Why not??? 

I took this screenshot because of the guy's butt. He's a friend of Michael's, whom Michael talks to about his affair. Who talks about their affair? Do people do that??? Like wouldn't you worry about snitching?? Clearly Michael doesn't give a fuck, and that's a mindset I can really stand behind.

Gary hides Oreos under Jason's?? Tyler's?? pillow. Kyle or Tanner just accepts that there are random cookies under his pillow. If I found random Oreos under my pillow, I'd think it was some sort of attack. Someone trying to make a mockery of me. I certainly wouldn't giddily start eating them. I'd eat them angrily. I'd have an attitude while eating them, and be very suspicious that they were poisoned, but not care that they were poisoned. I'd just promise to haunt whomever I suspected of poisoning me, once I was dead. 

The girl one loses her ball in the pool; Gary saves her from drowning or whatever. Couldn't care less, let's move on!! Though. Wait. Doesn't she recognize him from when she saw him...sigh. I guess not? Because it was dark and at night?? Sigh, fine, ugh. 

Gary sets up some plan to get Mimi to discover Michael is having an affair. He calls her pretending to be someone who works for Michael, saying he wants her to meet him at this restaurant. Gary goes to the restaurant - wearing fucking jeans with like a suit jacket, I might fucking add - and tells the maître d to give Mimi a note when she comes. He goes into the restaurant to order a coffee, and I guess to watch to see Mimi arrive and his plan unfold successfully. I basically just capped this because while he was sitting and waiting, he was very normally twirling a knife around on his face. How not fucking fitting in can you be???? 

The note Mimi receives from the maître d is supposedly written by Michael. It tells her to go to some hotel room. She does, and gets excited. She's saying "Who says romance is dead" as she's opening the door to discover Michael nuzzling up to some other bitch who is not her. Good, wholesome, family fun! 

There's some whole scene where Michael runs home after Mimi and balh balh. I capped like one thing from that but it was super-blurry so let's just skip ahead to Mimi explaining to her stupid fucking kids why daddy won't be living at home anymore <333

So my lowkey queen has an attitude while Mimi is explaining why dad won't be home for a while. He's so cute and so child actor from the nineties, I love it. Like, he's very Kyle Howard from House Arrest. Except not as amazing, of course. No one can compete with Kyle Howard in House Arrest, but this random nobody kid sure tries!! 

He like gets up while Mimi is talking to go lean on some shit and display his preteen angst child of divorce attitude from a different angle??? It's beautiful. Look at the way the sun hits him on the fucking face. Blessed by god. Look at his large front teeth and fucking plaid shirt like the nineties were a fucking blip, a joke. Look at how his hair is somehow naturally blow-dried? Seriously, did the nineties actually exist, or is it just a theme park a bunch of movies were filmed at?? 

And then this beauty. This is fucking majestic. This kid is going places. Let me check his imdb real quick to see what he's doing now. I swear to god if he's dead I will laugh and laugh and laugh.

lol omg

1. This nigga's name is Kurt Kristopher Kinder. Let that fucking sink in. lol wait no, Christopher with a C. lol omg imagine the initials KKK. Wow, his parents really fucked up on that one. 

2. Hider in the House is like his only legit credit. That's...that couldn't be more fucked up. His other ones are some CBS Summer Playhouse thing?? I have no idea what that is, but his character's name is Kyle in that, which is apt. lol his name in this is Neil. Come on. And then his other credit is called Where Pigeons Go to Die. Where your career goes to die, too, apparently.

3. zing

Gary goes to smell Mimi at night, then ends up falling asleep in her fucking room like a dumb ass. Kurt Kristopher Kinder is calling "Mom! Mom!", which wakes Gary up before Mimi can wake up and see him. He goes to hide in her fucking shower. Yo, this nigga is really careless, like, come on, pal. HOW ARE YOU JUST SNOOZING IN HER FUCKING ROOM?!? COME. ON. 

Here are some super blurry shots of KKK getting into a fight with his bully at school, getting his fucking ass kicked. Gary, who's stalking this kid??, is there and rushes over to ~~save him~~. But he only helps when Mimi shows up lol. Like, at first he's just watching the fight happen??? lol 

This little nigga is cheesin', instead of being embarrassed that he got his fucking ass beat by some little nigga with a fucking mullet. Mimi is all thankful to Gary for helping her useless kid out. She's like "do your kids go here?" And Gary is like "No, I was just walking by", like he looks anything like a nigga who's ever "just walking by". But anyway lol, they're all buddy buddy. Mimi and KKK go to leave and Gary is like "See ya later, Neil". And KKK is like "Mom, how does he know my name?" And Mimi is like, "He probably heard me say it" and KKK is like "No, you didn't say it" and Mimi is like "Oh, maybe he heard the other kids say it". I thought this exchange, which was 100% offscreen, was weirdly realistic, right? The son sort of pushed it, which people don't usually do in movies. He's like, NO. NO. You did not say my name. lol, like he's not getting aggressive, because he has no reason to be super-suspicious of Gary, but he's definitely sure that Gary should for no reason know his name. So, I loved that, even though this little nigga becomes like bffs with Gary literally in the next scene lol but okay

So KKK is up in the attic burning dolls??? He says he was trying to burn dad or some shit??? He nearly sets fire to the whole house, but Mimi comes up and stomps the fire out. Then she yells at him, and here are four screenshots of him having an adorable floppy haired child actor from the nineties breakdown

Look at how the plaid shirt is delicately opened up at the top. One or two buttons unbuttoned, perfection. And look at the hair that appears freshly washed with either Johnson's Baby Shampoo No Tears, or Pert. 

Yes, cry more

Let me drink your tears, boy. 

lol I just realized I keep talking about nineties child actor aesthetics and this movie is from 1989. Whatever, early nineties aesthetics are identical to late eighties aesthetics. Even though Kyle is really giving me mid-nineties tease, but whatever. 

So Gary and KKK are best friends forever now. I really could not get a good shot of Gary's outfits, and this definitely isn't one, but please look at him. Please look at how bad he looks in this shitty screencap, and just imagine it magnified in real-life HD. Like, imagine how much worse it must look when it's clear. Your naked eyeballs would be scorched to ashes, promise. 

KKK tells Gary about how he got in trouble for fucking around with matches, which isn't...totally the truth lol but okay. Then Gary makes it weird like "yeah...matches...are a serious game" or something lol. He just makes it really weird.

Crispin Glover's daddy is up in the kitchen, too, and once ol' boy KKK is sent to his room, it becomes like a weird competition for Mimi's affection thing between him and the Garester. 

Gene gets all touchy and shit with Mimi. Acting like he's trying to help her with the groceries. Like, dude, why are you here?? 

Gary snatches him up like "NUH UH". Look at this nigga's face and please explain to me why he was cast as some dude who's supposed to be sniffing around non-cat shaped pussy. Hm????? Hmmm??? 

So after Gary snatches up Gene, Gene tries to ask about sports. I think he literally says, "Do you like sports?" Couldn't...be less straight. Those...those shorts...are actually very heterosexual, which means that Gene knows how to play the game, at least leg-wise. Anyway, after he asks Gary if he likes sports, Gary is like "No." Then it's hella awkward, and why are you here, Gene?? Why is anyone in this bitch's kitchen??? Everyone leave Tom Cruise's first wife who totally turned him onto Scientology and that's why I can never look at him straight for longer than five seconds alone!!! 

So Mimi gets a call from the exterminator's employer, looking for him. She says she doesn't know anything, etc. She explains the phone call to Gary and Gene, then Gene tells of how he saw the exterminator leave and he looked drunk and was driving crazy. Then...I forgot why Gene needs to make a phone call. I think it's suggested he call the exterminator place and tell them what he saw. He goes to use Mimi's phone but Gary cockblocks him and tells him to go to his own home and use his phone. 

So Gary is still in this ho's house even after Gene's ass leaves. He's being all weird and standing up behind a couch when--OH, HERE IS A BETTER SHOT OF HIS TERRIBLE OUTFIT. Is it the outfit or his body? Both, I think. Also this is basically the only thing he wears??? He changes the shirt occasionally. Here, Mimi suggests Gary and his family come by some time to hang out or whatever. Gary says he doesn't have a family. Mimi says okay just yourself then. Hmm, mistake!!

There's some gross, like, flirting that follows???? But??? Why???? Why does this movie hint at Gary being desirable and attractive and like any sane, or not-sane woman, would allow this creature into her home, never mind fucking flirting with it??? The fuck, movie? Gary compliments this bitch's pottery shit and Mimi says he can keep one. Wow! What a treat!! This screencap above is from when Mimi's friend comes over and Gary is just over by the pottery shit spinning them around and shit like okay are you five years old. Oh, I guess maybe he is?? Like maybe he's stunted mentally?? Right right e rigthtm

Mimi's friend is thirsty. She accuses Mimi of flirting with Gary, then says if Mimi doesn't want him she'll "take him off your hands". GROSS. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT FUCKING GARY BUSEY. GET YOUR LIFE IN ORDER, ASAP. 

Gary is creepy and watches a couple snuggling up and kissing. He does this weird thing a lot throughout the movie where he like slaps the sides of his hips repeatedly. He's a grade A fucking freak. 

Whilst gardening, Mimi discovers the corpse of Rudolph. Wonderful!! What do you do in a situation like this? Someone has killed and buried your dog. What is the course of action to follow upon discovering something like this? Mimi calls the cops, but they say they can't help her because the dog was buried on private property? lol okay. They say if she digs up the dog and can prove it's him, then she can file a report. Mimi dismisses this like it's ludicrous, but...um, dig up the dog and prove it's Rudolph so you can fucking figure out what the fuck happened??? Like, this is crazy, you should want answers wtf. Not that, had she dug up the dog, would the police have actually done anything. Are they getting a forensic team together for a fucking dog corpse? Not fucking likely. 

Gary decides to teach KKK how to defend himself against bullies. It's hilarious, and Mimi gets upset instantly, running over to tell KKK to go in the house, and to tell Gary she doesn't want him teaching KKK that kind of stuff. 

Gary's face is like this while Mimi's chastising him. No one bothers to ask why he keeps wearing that exact same outfit. I'd be more concerned about his outfit repeats than him teaching my shitty son how to fucking fight, acting as if The Karate Kid hadn't already come out and shit. 

When Mimi takes the kids to see grandma, Gary has the house to himself and does weird things like spooning and sniffing Mimi's pillow. 

Whilst frolicking about the house like a dandelion in the wind, Gary runs into Mimi's friend. He didn't know this bitch was in the house, obvi. He has on the dad's robe. She's all like "uhhh...what are you doing, and why do you have Michael McKean's robe on??" Gary makes up some bullshit about how Mimi wants him to watch the house, and how he lives there. But Mimi and this bitch are besties and obviously this is something she would have told her, so Mimi's friend isn't buying it. 

So, natch,

G-money has to kill her. He tells her to stop screaming, but she doesn't, so she got to get that neck snapped. Gary is sorry not sorry. 

Well...maybe a little sorry. As he spends an intimate moment with Mimi's friend's corpse, crying on it. 

When they get back from grandma's house, KKK is acting all hype and trying the moves out Gary taught him on his little sister. He will be involved in soooo many scandals as a young adult and I called it here. Can we please get an update Hider in the House sequel centering around KKK as a dude in college raping his way through every third-tier sorority and please somehow find a way to work a Soul Man sequel into the middle of that. Like, please just blend the concept of Soul Man into this KKK-focused Hider in the House sequel. Like, he's done blackface to get accepted i.e. Mindy Kaling's brother, and also he thinks it makes it easier for him to rape people as a black, than as a white. It just...it just makes more sense.  

KKK takes what Gary taught him and beats. the. shit. out of that bully kid. The former star of this movie, but then KKK took it out from under him, really, out of nowhere. Like, out of nowhere, KKK became the true star of the film. Mullet head had it, but he was too cocky, and he lost it. AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW KKK STRAIGHT UP KICKS HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE?? lol the kids in the background are like...shocked. Literally there's like a dead silence lol it's fucking amazing. 

Gary shows up to ask Mimi to go to the movies. She says she's busy, then goes on to explain she's busy with wondering why her goldfish looks different. Like, girl... Gary, for no reason, starts offering up all these explanations as to why the goldfish might look different, making him look suspicious as hell. Like it got smashed up when he was fighting Mimi's friend for dominance over her life. He replaced it with some shit that was entirely different looking. Wasn't the first fish smaller and pink? And he replaced it with a larger, super-orange one?? Come on, G-spot. Were you even trying??? 

Gary is like "Let's go to the movies, Mimi! It's just down the street!" Mimi's face is like that^ after she asserts that she does not want to go, and could G-dawg please leave. Gary gets all aggressive, yanking on the door and shit. Then he's yelling at Mimi for saying "stop by any time" when clearly she didn't mean it. Lol, Gary was being very nice guy fedora in this scene. But seriously, if I was being pursued by Gary Busey I'd be fucking terrified. Anyone wearing jeans like that and a fucking slicked back hairstyle oughta be extremely feared. This is a person who has nothing to lose.  

Michael McKean shows up and he's looking at Gary like "...who the fuck...?" 

Michael is full of sorrys and shit. He says he's been calling and leaving messages, but of course Gary has been deleting them and shit. Blah blah this is like an ~~emotional~~ scene. They hug and shit and all is forgiven, I guess? I GUESS. Because in the next scene they're in bed in disgusting post-coital bliss. I have a screenshot of that, but looking at it now, I think I refuse to include it in this post lol. Just know these two idiots got back together. But my thing is: Mimi Rogers is really cute and can get probably anyone so what the fuck? Why they got her in this movie acting desperate, entertaining fucking affections from Gary Busey's abominable snowman looking ass, and taking her corn meal eating ass looking husband back when she could get a nigga who looks like L.A. Law-circa Harry Hamlin??? COME ON!! Get some fucking self-esteem, Mimi, this is ridick. 

OKAY, FINALLY. Mimi discovers Gary's hiding spot in the attic let's goooo I want to be done writing this  JESUS CHRIST!!

While Mimi is being shocked at her findings, Gary is sneaking up in the background. 

He slams the door to his little hiding spot shut and it's go time. 

He gets all up in Mimi's face and shit. Like, "YOU LIED" because of how she said that thing about "stop by anytime". Then he's chastising her for getting back with Michael, and I'm nodding my head until I remember I'm agreeing with a fucking psychotic stalker with zero eyebrows. Mimi says that the kids need a father. Gary is like I CAN BE THEIR FATHER!!! Lol, no thank you, but it was nice of you to offer lol, fuck outta here. 

In order to get Gary to let her go, Mimi agrees to leave Michael and be with Gary and let him be the father to her kids lol. Like, she's obviously just saying this shit to get him not to kill her, but Gary's like "okay! let's go downstairs and tell Michael!!" 

Mikey and the kids were at his apartment getting his clothes and shit while all this was going on. When they walk in, Mimi is still trying to keep to script, like, "I'm leaving you, Michael. Please take the kids." Michael is like "lol what?" Then Mimi breaks and is like "THIS NIGGA CRAZY!! RUN!!!" Gary goes ham and punches Mimi, I think. I don't know, both of the parents end up knocked out on the floor. 

The kids run over to creepy Gene's house. My queen KKK is banging on the door like he's running away from Bryan Singer. They go in to call the police.

Back at the casa, G-trilla is attacking the fam. Going ham on the fam!! 

Mimi shoots him and he looks like this 

falling over the bannister. And they was really tryna treat this nigga like some matinee idol romantic lead earlier in the film lol. Acting like my son looks like Tab Hunter or some shit when he looks like Tab Hunter's corpse reanimated maybe. 

I just googled Tab Hunter to see if he was still alive and he is and I was markedly disappointed. How the fuck does Tab Hunter get to live but not Anthony Perkins??? It's not fair!! Wait-what am I...doiiiing? Finish this fucking post omg!!

Okay so Gary appears dead, Mimi walks up slowly to his supposed corpse, but of course he was pulling a fake-out. He snatches her up and puts a gun to both their heads like "I'm sorry I couldn't be how you wanted me to be!!!" 

Just before he pulls the trigger,

the fucking cops roll up and shoot Gary. WOW, THAT WAS QUICK. Literally, KKK ran over to Gene's like less than two minutes ago lol. I mean, even for whiteys, this response time was speedy gonzalez as fuck. You know what wasn't speedy gonzalez as fuck? Me writing this post. It took like seven hours, no joke. What am I doing with my life? Why am I still alive tbh