Double Platinum (1999)

Wow um. So the movie opens up on Diana Ross "singing" and...I don't know what to think. Maybe I think "Who decided Diana Ross could sing?". Maybe I think that. But only one time this whole movie. I don't even think this again when Diana's character is "coaching" Brandy through singing one of her songs. I think it's "Have You Ever". Diana Ross, who has an acquired taste voice just like Brandy, drags this braided hoe by what is left of her edges, and honestly: I felt alive. I felt alive even though I thought at the beginning of the movie "Wow why is this happening?" at Diana Ross singing. I never thought that at Brandy's singing once in the movie, even though Olivia King was totally right by saying Brandy--I mean, Kayla Harris--sings through her nose and sometimes sounds like she has shit in her mouth. I still got my life at Diana Ross--I mean ~Olivia King~--trying to tell Brandy how to sing. I could watch that scene a million fucking times in a row and never not get my life. Do you understand? GOOD.

So, GOD!, Double Platinum is like A Star Is Born meets All About Eve colored with Rose-Art crayons, written by Caillou. Diana Ross plays a woman named Olivia King who's a singer, and she, as her husband would say, "has her little shows". Diana Ross performs a song at one of her little shows and, like I said, I was confused as to why. But apparently some A&R dude in the audience saw the performance and liked it. Okay. This dude is like to Olivia, "Come to New York and be a STAR!". Cool. Not so cool? Olivia has a kid and husband and stuff.

Olivia's shitty husband is played by deep-voiced lightskin Brian Stokes Mitchell, who I think was Trevor #1 on Fresh Prince and also plays the husband of the woman Tyrell (Elliot??) choked to "Two Weeks" on Mr. Robot. Good call making Olivia's douchey hubby be a lightskin. We didn't need an Isaiah Washington type in here looking like he was gonna Ike Turner this hoe. Also that would've taken shine away from MISS DIANA ROSS. But...girl. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE TWO CARAMEL DEW DROPS BIRTHING BRANDY'S BLACK CINDERELLA ASS?! Girl okay lol. Brandy playing Diana Ross' daughter is such a motherfucking stretch. You can just tell this was when Brandy was really hot and some businessy people were like I KNOW! NEW HOT THANG BRANDY UP AGAINST OLD HOT THANG DIANA ROSS! BRILLIANT! It's like...pleez. And to talk about not being totally creative...what was with Brandy singing her own songs instead of songs being written for the movie? And I'm pretty sure Diana Ross sung old songs as well? Lol how fucking lazy. Like if you're gonna do this, do this whole DIANA ROSS VERSUS BRANDY thing, go all the way the fuck in. This shit was tepid as fuck like what a missed opportunity.

Lol but anyway! Sigh, I was tryna go over this shitty plot what the fuck was I bitch ass talking about? Oh, D. Ross' lightskint unsupportive husband. So Olivia tells her boo they want her to go to New York so she can be Blackbra Streisand or whatever. He's like "lol". Which, yikes. Also when she comes home from her show he's like playing cards with his bros and is like really rude and dismissive of Olivia. So we as an audience are right away ready for her to leave his ass, even before she tells him about New York and he in so many words tells her to quiet her singing mouth and make him a sandwich. 

I...don't support Olivia just dipping on her kid lol. I could find it in myself to support her going out to New York for a while, getting things in order, coming back to her kid, and then going back out to do blah blah whatever. It's weird how she just...stays away lol wtf. She just like...never comes back. 

OKAY WAIT. So Olivia dips on baby Kayla to go fulfill her dreams. Okay fast-forward eighteen years and we see Brandy like singing and dancing in some dry cleaners her father has her working in. He's all about BLUE COLLAR. Girl anyway lol. So Kayla wins some radio contest to go see a concert. MY STUPID ASS SAYS "She better had not won a ticket to see Olivia". Why am I so dumb? But I was honestly CACKLING that she won a contest to see her fucking mom in concert. Like how sad. A few things:

1. Kayla does not know THE Olivia King, whom she's a fan of, is her mom. So she's just in the audience like a dummy enjoying the concert like this isn't the woman who abandoned her eighteen years ago

2. I liked Diana Ross' performance. Her singing is still...iffy, though. Also her dress was too heavy-looking. Diana Ross looks like she weighs eight ounces.

3. Olivia set up the contest so Kayla would win. Is this a cute way to tell the daughter you abandoned eighteen years ago that you're her mom OR NAH??

So Kayla goes backstage to meet Olivia and instead of Olivia RIGHT AWAY telling this bitch she's her mom, she fucking takes her out to dinner. DOES SHE TELL HER AT DINNER THAT SHE'S HER MOM? lol!! Kayla at one point during the dinner brings up how she doesn't have a mom and Olivia reacts like "aw 2 bad so sad 4 u, sweetie:(". Lol BITCH IF U DON'T TELL HER YOU'RE HER MOM AND U LEFT HER ASS!! No, instead!!! Olivia tells Kayla she'll go see her show. This family and their little shows smh.

Olivia finally spills the tea after Kayla's show. So, you know, good timing?? And so begins Diana Ross I mean Olivia King lowkey making everything all about her even when it's supposed to be Brandy I mean Kayla's moment.

WHY COME BRANDY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER DAD THE VERY NIGHT OLIVIA REVEALS SHE'S HER MOM?? Hmm?? She like just runs upstairs and when her dad is all "How'd it go??" she just says fine or whatever?? 

NUMBER ONE! Who would just immediately believe Olivia? I know I wouldn't! I'd think that Hollywood bitch was crazy, and tryna get in my draws. ALSO I'D ASK MY DAD WHY THE FUCK HE NEVER TOLD ME OLIVIA KING WAS MY MOM!!?!??! lol okay Kayla eventually confronts him but it's way too delayed in my opinion like what the fuck. 

ANYWAY FAST FORWARD TO OLIVIA BRINGING KAYLA TO NEW YORK TO MAKE HER A STAR! When Olivia tells Kayla she wants to bring her to NY, Kayla barks back "Is it because I'm good, or is it because you feel guilty?". Olivia is all "It's because you're good, and because I feel guilty". Girl...it's because you feel guilty, full stop. Kayla singing pre-recorded Brandy tracks was not enough to convince you she's a ~star~ STOP THE MALARKEY.

So Kayla like immediately becomes a star in NY after she drops "Have You Ever" (plz) as a single. Olivia and Kayla aren't on very good terms, though, because Kayla is still pissed about the whole her mom abandoned her for eighteen years and became a huge star and like never wrote her any letters or sent her a fucking t-shirt or some shit thing. Olivia tries to have a say in Kayla's career under the guise of "protecting" her. I believe Olivia was trying to look out for her daughter, but it also sometimes seemed like something else. I def thought Olivia was more trustworthy than the douchebaggy manager dude Allen Payne played. Allen Payne was mad annoying here lol. Just being extra for no reason. He was painted too broadly with the SNAKE brush lol. Like obvi he'd betray Kayla. OKAY BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THIS STUPID BITCH HAD THE FUCKING CHECK FROM THE TABLOID HE SOLD KAYLA'S ~SECRET~ TO IN HIS GODDAMN PANTS?! Bitch! lol pleez. 

Oh I forgot to say how Kayla didn't want anyone to know Olivia King was her mom so she'd be able to develop a career just off her talent but blah blah she wanted to be stupid and get mixed up with a lightskin, so she got what she deserved lol. 

At this point of Kayla discovering ~RiC OrTEgA~*~ has betrayed her confidence, I think she and Olivia are on the outs because Kayla had done some Brandy cosplay at the Grammy party, but Olivia stole her moment singing, I believe, "Carry On". You can't ever beat "Carry On", not even a weak Diana Rossed version. Too bad so sad lol. But after the Ric thing, Kayla leaves NY and goes out to the Adirondacks or wherever the fuck Olivia is, and is all "I had nowhere else to go". lol what are you talking about? Like she got kicked out her home or something smh. 

BUT ANYWAY! Olivia and Kayla have some ugly bonding session out in the woods. Can we briefly talk about Brandy's acting? NOT GOOD. Not. Good. Especially when she has to do ~EMOTION~, which, is, like, always. Like anytime, because it's acting lol. Check no juliet to her having to do anything heavy. Also her doing ~anger~ is really embarrassing. I like Brandy for some reason, and like I loved Moesha, but jesus. Lol just jesus. Diana Ross...also not a great actress. However, for some reason I cannot accurately pinpoint, I do like watching her onscreen. She's just fascinating obviously. She's obviously more style over substance, but that's fine with me sometimes. She's very like glam, and then she has that Michael Jackson voice, and her teeth and her little bird head idk...I just like watching her. However her and Braid Head's ~emotional~ scenes were a no. Like Kayla confronting Olivia about why she abandoned her was just a complete wrong.

But it only got worse when they started working on a song together. And then...when they performed it together. The movie ends with Olivia and Kayla singing the song Olivia wrote for Kayla to sing. It's 1. a terrible song and 2. an awkward, boring ass performance.

Wait, but in these two screenshots I took, can you tell the audience is like falling into a coma?

Look at Christine Ebersole. She's like..."I have to shit...please stop." And Harvey Fierstein has his hands politely folded like this isn't the loudest, most flaming nigga on the planet - PLEASE! And then the movie just...ends. Unlike my life. 

Who Killed Teddy Bear (1965)

Okay...lol, where to even fucking begin. This movie is almost a Masterpiece of Shit, but it's neither a ~masterpiece~, nor really that shit. I mean, it's bad, but not masterpiece-bad. It's too b-movie. Also this movie was kind of lowkey genuinely entertaining, which took it from "no, girl", to you squinting at it and trying to find the positives. This deserves to exist maybe. 

So the movie is about...sigh, idek. Basically, I guess, Sal Mineo harassing some bitch on the phone while he in his draws. This movie is annoying because it tries to be ~suspenseful~ and ~mysterious~, like we don't fucking know right away it's Lawrence callin' Norah up *rolls eyes*. The movie tries to make it seem like it's the Lieutenant at first. It was almost 99% obvious that it was not the cop, BUT, YO, he was mad creepy, too, right? I mean! 

1. Why he ask if Norah was a prostitute at the police station? He tried to imply she had the ~look~. What - being a woman? lol fucking bitch. Then he wouldn't give her a ride home? OKAY! That's wild because we find out his whole backstory with his wife being murdered and all that sob story bs - why would you send a vulnerable woman home in a cab instead of seeing for yourself that she gets home safe? Oh. But I think he didn't know about her secret phone calls yet. He was denying her a ride when he thought she was just some disposable whore. Then he switched it up when he found out she had some pervert shit going on that his weird, obsessed ass could salivate over. Oh, I guess now she can get a ride home, huh? Bitch. lol

2. Okay, so Norah not a prostitute - I guess that mean she a virgin? lol why? cuz she not out here with her whole fallopian tubes out, swinging them around to attract suitors? lol I know this mess takes place in the sixties, but come on now! And even if Norah is "pure", idk what business it was of the Lieutenant's? Like, why did he keep bringing it up? And why when he was being mad inappropriate and creepy in Norah's apartment did he try to say some shit like YOU VIRGINS THINK EVERY MAN WANTS A GO AT YOU?? 

First of all, playboy: the lieutenant doth protest too much. You doing the absolute most for a nigga who's supposed to be representing the anti-creep. Though I liked how the movie called him out on the fact that he was basically the same as the creeps he was studying and trying to lock up. However, I don't feel they appropriately addressed his creepy insertion in Norah's life. Yeah, sure, he's the lesser of two evils. Get strangled by Sal Mineo physically, or strangled by the cop emotionally? Which would you choose? Yeah, no. Strangled by Sal physically, yeah I fucked up on that one my bad. 

3. What was up with this nigga's grown ass looking daughter? Mommy replacement much? Am I projecting? Why was her hair always perfectly coifed when she stayed in the bed? Weird. 

So anyway, I've made a lot of mistakes. As did this movie. The number one mistake it made was coming into existence. Nah, I kid (I don't). There are some gems here. 

For instance, Sal Minny. Bae Mineo. Stop - please. I call him Baby Brando in my head. Ideky, real Baby Brando is like Tom Hardy. Sal just gives me...stocky, Roman teas I guess idk lol. I'm annoyed that Sal was killed, even though I guess his career was flatlining at that point? Please, he could've made a comeback. Some stan like me would have become a director and put his short ass in a movie. It aint over til it's over! Girl...he died. I gotta get it together smh

Anyway!! *cries* I liked Sal here in Who Killed Teddy Bear. He was creepy, but with ~layers~. I was almost lowkey rooting for him to get with Norah, until I remembered all the stalking and murdering shit - yikes. Wait, but he could've gotten with her! If he wasn't such a fucking freak. But I guess that's just it: he was. Wait, but wtf was the explanation for why he was a loon? There was some lunkhead ass backstory bullshit with him playing with his little sister, and then...some random woman walks by (I assumed it was his mom for some reason?) and Sal gets up to go fuck her?? (hope it wasn't his mom?!) and then as he's smashing this broad/his mom, his little sister sees. Fast-forward to her falling down the stairs and becoming brain damaged, I guess. Who killed teddy bear? Sal, I suppose? Nah, I blame his sister for being a clumsy bitch and falling down them stairs. Also, nosy. You was a nosy ho, and now you got mental retardation. Congratulations!! 

This movie is a trip. No pun intended!! lol anyway please end my life

Elaine Stritch is here! You ever be watching an old ass movie and go "Is that Elaine Stritch?". It's fun. You can do it with Cloris Leachman, too. I just know Elaine as being like the oldest bitch ever, so it was wild seeing her here be still the oldest fucking bitch alive lol I'm screaming. She was a joy here, though, obviously. I wondered if she was improv-ing lines? Because sometimes she would say stuff and Juliet Prowse would be awkward. Or was that just Norah being a VIRGIN and Marian being a LESBIAN??

lol can. we. talk. about. Marian rubbing all over Norah, talkin' bout some "let it out, baby"??? That was WILD!! lol ideky. It just was. BUT I'M MAD THE LESBIAN GOT MURDERED 2.2 seconds after revealing herself. lol, this movie refused to keep the Scissor Sister alive. Smh, be more cliché, honestly. 

Aight, my stupid ass is about to post up some pics I screenshot/stole from the interwebs. Who reads this blog? How much pain are you in? I hope it's a lot.

Girl... Norah and Lawrence dancing was the worst, most awkward, seizurey ass shit I dun ever saw. Like, I'm upset. You expect me to take this movie seriously with this mess up in here? WRONG! 

LAWD! When...omg lol. I'm still laughing. Lt. Dave slapping THE FUCKING SOUL out of Lawrence is the wildest shit I have ever seen in a movie. I take back what I said about Marian being a lesbian and rubbing her lesbian germs on pure, innocent snow angel Norah. This^ was the ultimate wildest shit. He was slapping this nigga around so violently I thought he was gonna start pooping. He probably did. That's prob why he ran out like a little bitch. But what was the gunshot as the movie ended? It could've been any gunshot. What kind of misuse of Chekov's gun smh. Also, what's up with the title song? Why would you make a creepy ass song like that? Imma just need for all the sixties to be deleted. What a throwaway decade. 

What was up with this deaf/mute bodyguard person for the nightclub? It was really random. Was it just the movie's many pieces of flair? Like how the lieutenant had a nanny for his daughter just so the bitch could bring her some water even though he right there and could get it for her himself??? I guess he too busy being creepy and listening to tapes of women explain how they're being harassed by men on the phone.

Anyway, gimme the sequel showcasing how fucked up Lt. Dave's daughter is in ten years :')