Neighbors (2014)

According to imdb triva for this movie, which I do not know why I am reading, Seth Rogen thought the baby eating the condom scene was so funny he laughed until he cried. I guess...........................that sums up this entire movie. Or, explains it? Like...that Seth Rogen thinks that's soo funny he's crying?? What is...what the fuck? I don't get offended by anything because I'm entirely fucking dead inside, and a baby eating a condom is not offensive or controversial or anything to me. So that's not why it's so unbearably non-hilarious to me. It's that it's 100% not funny at all?? 

1. I'm almost certain I've seen baby eating a condom scenes in another things. Like when I saw their baby eating the something while sitting on the grass, I automatically assumed it was a condom and said out loud "oh hah omg the baby has a condom in its mouth omg comedy ha". Like, not those exact words, but, like, that vibe, you know????

2. Um, when Jason Mantzoukas came in and was like "your baby has AIDS".

                a. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh

                b. what doctor would ever do that??? Like, I get it was for "comedy" but no you're not even trying come on

                c. why...would Rose Byrne immediately freak out when he said that? If your baby was chewing on a condom that had AIDS-infected sperm or whatever in it...there's like no way that'd immediately show up on blood tests, right?? Don't you have to wait three months or some shit to see? Though I guess they have faster tests now?? But not that fast?? And also it wouldn't automatically be AIDS?? HIV first dummies???

               d. sorry this definitely could have been funny, you just didn't make it funny

               e. I hate this movie so much omg :') like all i could focus on was like the medical fucking inaccuracy of the scene omg :') please stop letting seth rogen :') make :') movies :') i think :') 

                f. like, I liked This Is the End, but for like...Danny McBride, who is always perfect no matter what, and James Franco, who is James Franco - not because of Seth Rogen, he is seriously insanely non-funny to me I don't fuckin' get it, b.

               g. LIKE WE GET IT: YOU SMOKE WEED! Jesus could you be more white??

               h. COULD YOU?!

                i. i'm disgusted by these comedy films coming from the ~~~apatow~~ camp about like...boring suburbia life and parenting and how tough it is..........to not struggle with any major issues?!?!? that you get so wrapped up in what some lame ass frat boys are doing next door?? also, hello, if the noise is bothering you CLOSE YOUR FUCKING WINDOWS, MAYBE?? or, idk, at least get some goddamn curtains or some shit WHAT IS WITH PEOPLE IN MOVIES/TV WITH NO FUCKING CURTAINS OR BLINDS OR SHIT ON THEIR WINDOWS??? OR THEY HAVE THE WINDOW WIDE FUCKING OPEN WITH NO SCREEN IN BETWEEN JUST INVITING BEES AND FLYS AND BIRDS IN AND SHIT?? HELLO?? WHO DOES??? THIS???? 

               j. I was excited about: Jerrod Carmichael, Craig Roberts, HANNIBAL BURESS (chill omg), Dave Franco...and?? That's it, I think. I was excited for Ike Barinholtz, but no @ him in this movie. But I was happy my other various babies were in this even though they didn't really give me anything?? Like they at least had screen time so sigh ugh siiiigh I can't wait for Hannibal's comedy central show siiiigh and Craig Roberts and Dave Franco are in a bunch of other movies sigh I'll get over this I'LL GET OVER IT. Wow, but can we talk about how terrible that De Niro party shit was??? Uhhh so awkward and terrible lol. Or was that the point? Because their references were ~~~off~~~??? Ugh, please. And why did Jerrod have to be Samuel L??? Like were they too afraid of white face or what???? come on you weren't afraid to have Ike saying "nigga" twice SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, FAM?!? lol ugh

              k. You know who I wasn't excited about? Efron. Like, lowkey I hate him?? I honestly blame Charlie St. Cloud lol. Also his weird muscles. He looks like he should've been kidnapped into the Fast & Furious franchise. He's probably mad he hasn't been yet, tbh. LIKE DUH REPLACE PAUL WITH ZAC HELLO, HOLLYWOOD. Tbh, I'd probably actually watch one of those movies if Zac was the new Paul. loljk that's disgusting. But anyway Efron was actually....good here?? He had like random emotional scenes that were...idk, not bad? lol Not...super-terrible? Why am I forgetting he totally killed my soul in 17 Again and I loved that movie so much? Why do I hate him so much now??? Oh, right, weird Fast & Furious franchise body. Also that Charlie St. Abortion - seriously I could not have hated that movie more. WHY WAS IT RANDOMLY LIKE A HORROR FILM?? AND WHY DID HIS GHOST BROTHER HAVE SUCH A FUCKING SASSY CUNT ASS ATTITUDE? LIKE WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING ARE?! 

              l. Some things in the movie were funny, but like accidentally. And I can't remember what it was I laughed at...lol....liiikkkkeeeeee

             m. It was awkward when Seth Rogen tried to get self-aware by referencing Kevin James movies. What are Kevin James movies, exactly? I think I've seen Kevin James in two...okay three movies: Hitch, Paul Blart, and Grown Ups, which I remember nothing from. People should reference King of Queens when they're trying to make a point about Fat Guy Little Lady stuff. Or slob husband, smart wife bullshit. That's like...that show is like the quintessential example of that. But...idk if Kevin's movies are...well, I guess. Because also I'm remembering that mess he did with Vince Vaughn where his wife was fucking Winona Ryder and she was like some horrible whore or some shit lol. But it's weird for Rogen to address that...cliché...and then the movie still be exactly that?? Though I guess Rose wasn't like perfect or whatever. But she's still way hotter than Seth and she has an Australian ac--LIKE SPARE ME THAT SHE'D STAY IN AMERICA FOR FUCKING SETH ROGEN. Foreign exchange your ass back to Australia and hook up with a Hemsworth bro, come on! Like she's fucking Bobby Cannavale in real life!! GIVE ME NEIGHBORS STARRING BOBBY INSTEAD, THANK YOU. NO, THANK YOU, THANKS!!!

            n. imdb tells me "Seth Rogen's wife" read the original script, which focused more on Seth's shitty friends, and said it didn't make sense that his friends would care about some fraternity war, change it to focus on his wife. NO ADULT HUMAN BEING PAYING MORTGAGE ON A FUCKING HOUSE WOULD CARE ABOUT THIS, but okay!! Lowkey I feel like she was trying to angle to play the wife role or???? lol 

           o. how did Zac & co. put those airbags in the chairs??? Asking for a friend.

           p. WHY WAS THAT PART WHERE ROSE BYRNE TOURETTES-YELLS "KEEP IT DOWN!" SOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING AWKWARD? I remember seeing that in the trailers and cringing every time, and like...prepared myself for that moment in the movie. Like, I was ready. AND SOMEHOW IT WAS WAY MORE CRINGE-WORTHY INT HE MOIEE?EE?V?EE? HOWW?WR,HWWYYWY???

          q. Chris Mintz-Plasse's....dick....around...Carlo Gallo's neck?? okaaaaaaaay, but why??? why do this?? 

           r. hmmm that breast-milking scene? Like, from a feminist stand-point lol...was I glad it was there? Was I glad Rose Bryne called Seth a fucking idiot when he dropped the breast pumping device?? Was I glad she made him milk her tits?? Yes, but wow do I not ever need to see that shit again :')

          s. so apparently the end scene where Seth meets up with Zac working outside of Hollistercrombiepastle or wherever was "completely improvised"? lol, I wouldn't brag about that if I were you!!!

          t. SETH ROGEN TAKING OFF HIS SHIRT IS NOT A FUCKING PUNCHLINE. lol i see it, i see it. ahhh. it totally is, though, just not the way he means it :')

         u. so I feel like these letters aren't properly aligned. I'm using a blogspot app to write this, for one. Yes they have an app, yes it's as useless and irrelevant as blogspot itself. wow watch they erase my entire irrelevant blog off their entirely irrelevant site lol. wait is it blogspot or blogger?? It's blogger, right? Yeah the app definitely says blogger. sii gh 

        v. I think i missed some letters? I had an inappropriately lengthy amount of time struggling to decide what comes after r. S, right? Like google is my friend. Except sometimes I don't feel like talking to him. Like he's really extra and...smug. You know? There's just no way I can google the alphabet and not be haunted by this for the rest of my fucking life; he'll never let me live it down. Fucking ads for Sylvan Learning Center at the sides of every fucking pornsite I visit. LET ME LIVE!!

       w. w comes after v, right? JESUS LORD RELEASE ME FROM THIS HELL CAGE

       x. I'm pissed at Efron over some new shit. For taking Max away from so many episodes of Catfish this season. Like, that Tyler Oakley episode was rough. Wow and the one with the Miss Teen USA bitch, OMG IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU WOW lol. Max would never make it about him. I did quite enjoy Angel Haze, though. She was funny and blunt. And I love how she kept saying things like "i hate liars" and "every relationship i've ever been in ppl have lied!!" lol she's gone through some shit, and i'm here for it. I'm here for her pain. This is an Angel Haze Pain stan blog. I also liked Alex Shaffer, he's a cutie. lol when Chitara was taking off her jacket to fight that bitch and he tried to step in lol omg. But Max is back I'm excited like he really needs to be there to chill Nev's extra ass out. And I really don't need any more footage of him shirtless in a fucking hotel room LIKE PLEASE! NEV, PLEASE!! STOP IT!!! lol remember when he was in the car and was like "so I just got back from yoga" WHY DO WE NEED TO KNOW THAT, NEV? JUST TELL US WHAT THE TEXT YOU GOT SAYS!! lol ugh he is so unnecessary.

        y. lol what else? I really want to for no reason get to z. 

        z. Remember when Zac went up to the AT&T booth? And he was like "what's AT&T?" or something? I couldn't tell if that was supposed to be a dig at AT&T's irrelevancy, or Zac's dumbness. I...thought it was a joke about how no one cares about AT&T..............but apparently that wasn't the bit? That scene, though, ended up OH YEAH I REMEMBER I LAUGHED AT THAT SCENE. It was like, for no reason, the funniest part of the movie I think lol wow this movie was absolute trash :') keep up :') the :') good :') w:") or:"))) kkk:")))))))

Streets of Fire (1984) made me sad

And not in a good way. Not in a Blue Valentine or Ordinary People sort of way. In a Larry Crowne-ish "why was this even made" sort of way. Walter Hill, the director of this mess, made The Warriors. Yeah. This movie is basically The Warriors if it was set in the world of Little Shop of Horrors. Does that sound appealing to you? Because it motherfucking shouldn't. 

Speaking of Little Shop of Horrors, a movie that does not make me want to cry on the toilet, Rick Moranis is here playing, essentially, "Jew". Capital J, son. Hmmm, I'm embarrassed for whoever wrote this, and Ricky Moron for accepting the role. I mean, I guess a check is a check, but - come on. I'm going to ignore the gigantic flashing neon crossed-out menorah sign and just address how fucking annoying Billy Fish was.

ugh. Always popping off at the mouth and shit. Boo, you're like eleven inches tall. He's playing Ellen Aim's manager/boyfriend and he's super-obnoxious and a total caricature. Ugh, look. I sort of get maybe all this campy/1-dimensional character-drawing was...intentional? But what I definitely don't get is why it was done intentionally. If you're self-aware-ish, why not just...intentionally...make a not completely surface, super dumb ass dummy movie??? I feel I could excuse this movie more if it didn't look like everything was done the way it was purposely. (Like if completely accidentally, through no fault of its own, it was entirely fucking terrible). But I feel like, even if a lot of the dumbness/badness was intentional, they were still being completely fucking serious about a lot of other things. 

Let's address...god, so much intentional/unintentional bad to choose from. Let's do McCoy. When Amy Madigan showed up I got a little excited because I think of her as a legit, respectable actress, and so I thought: if she's in this, it can't be that bad. And yes, I heard much about this movie before watching it - primarily that it was a so bad it's good "cult classic".

So when Amy shows up it's like Oh, okay. But...hmmmm. Because I think before we meet McCoy we meet Bill Paxton's goofy ass rocking a VERY OBVIOUSLY FAKE missing tooth???

Like, it's clearly a tooth painted black?? Or...is that part of his character? Like he thinks it's cool and badass to have a missing tooth so he paints one black? EVEN SO: Dumb. Either way: Stupid. Ugh. Just ugh @ his whole character. Dude, I fucking hate Bill Paxton. No, what I hate is that I don't even really hate him. Like, were you the best part about Boxing Helena? No, that was clearly Art Garfunkel, but you were second-best and amused me and that movie really made me want to go on a killing spree and maybe you're sort of responsible for me not doing that???? I really hated you on Big Love, though. And also sooooo many other things. Titanic, right? You were in that. In those - gag - present day scenes. NO.

But anyway, unfortunately, back to McCoy. So much problematic with McCoy. Ugh, where to even fucking begin. First, her hair. 

I feel like this is just Amy Madigan's hair and, if so, fine. But wtf is that hat? And what are those clothes she's wearing?? Are you an airplane mechanic from WWII or some shit, McCoy? No, you are homeless and unemployed. I guess they say how McCoy was a soldier and she just got back from war?? So, maybe that explains her horrifying appearance? What's never explained is why this fucking movie is using "soldier" as a euphemism for LESBIAN. Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? LOL, MOVIE. LOL. Like, they think they're being really clever and funny or some shit but it just comes across like they're afraid to have an out gay character in their movie. Even though McCoy is very obviously a profesh scissorer of bitches with her repeated "you're not my type"s to Cody and being all "I lived with a man AND THEN I JOINED ARMY". Ugh. Are they trying to imply going to war made McCoy a lezzer? Or, she was already a lezzer and that explains her being a female and joining ~the army~? Gag me with a thousand jizzcocks, like, 4 srs. AND WHAT WAS THAT ENDING? What the fuck with Cody and McCoy riding off into the sunset?? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T MCCOY GET THAT FISHNET STRIPPER BITCH'S DIGITS?? 

(hotter than Cody, jus sayin')

Who the fuck rides off into the sunset with lame-ass, trying way too hard Tom "Benadryl" Cody???? 

Speaking of making me drowsy as fuck, causing me to nod off to fucking sleep: 

Ladies and gents, Tom Cody!!!! Just. At first, I was into it. Michael Paré is hot. Not in any sort of striking, remarkable way. He's just...very not ugly? And I guess I was into his little baby facial hair? And initially, definitely into the ~deep voice~. Quickly, however, the ~deep voice~ became the monotone voice. Wake up, dummy! He was very sleepy and very one-note. He was hot and wearing like...Cold Mountain pajamas the entire time, but his super-boringness completely overrode all the goodwill his hotness and pajamas...garnered...when he first...came through. Like twenty minutes into the movie he started to not even be hot anymore. Like, his face started to look weird and his facial hair was embarrassing me. And sometimes the part in his hair was really off and I'd choose to focus my hatred and disgust on his post-production reshoots hair instead of any shockingly unimportant letters mashed together into words and gang-raped into sentences he had to say. Somethingsomething I'm a loner, Dottie. Somethingsomething A rebel. AND. What was up with his total reluctance and hesitation about going to rescue Ellen?? UM, HELLO! THIS BITCH WAS KIDNAPPED. No, seriously, why is everyone in the movie so fucking blasé about this horrifying shit? Willem Dafoe just rips through in the middle of Ellen's concert, SNATCHES HER RIGHT OFF THE STAGE, DRAGS HER BACK TO HIS RAPE LAIR, and everyone except for Cody's sister is like *shrug* What? And Cody only goes to save her when lil Harvey Weinstein pays him to do so. Yeah, real hero. Or is this that anti-hero thing I keep hearing about? ?....??.????     ??

And can we talk about Ellen and Cody's ~tru luv 4 ever~ romantical romancey romance?? 

Like, no one cares. They're so lame ugh. When they have their climaxy embrace in the rain. 

I'm like

I'm sleepy like Cody

@ this shit. No one cares. It's very anticlimactic; I guess keeping in theme with this movie being anti-everything (anti heroes, anti inoffensive stereotypes, anti people who hate Bill Paxton, anti making a good movie, anti christ). AND THEN CODY JUST LEAVES THIS BITCH! They have wet sex and then he's all "I'm not carrying her fucking guitars" and says some crazy shit about how she'd be better off with Billy (you hate her, obviously), and leaves! But not before fake-weepily watching Ellen perform some song maybe about him on stage. Ugh, nice try, Michael Paré, attempting to poop out some tear drops. I hope you didn't strain anything. Except obviously I hope you did. 

Should I do Ellen now? I.................................... This movie just really made me the whole time wish I was watching Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains. Ellen as a character, like basically all the characters, is shittily constructed. She's 1-D as fuck. She might actually be negative-dimensional. There's really no reason to care about her (or anyone). You know who I did care about? Two people: that fishnet stripper bitch I mentioned earlier (a goddess), and Raven, whose name people kept mentioning the whole movie and I kept forgetting who that was. So, Willem Dafoe. I just automatically love Willem Dafoe no matter what. He, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS MOVIE, does not have much to work with, but I got excited in my pants when he showed up. At first he was unrecognizable to me - (he turns up, like, screaming. 

Similar to this^. It's very pterodactyl vampire.) Then once I realized it was Willem I was pleased in my body. He was very pasty and I got to see his teeth a lot. That's all I ever need from my Willem. So, thank you terrible movie, for at least doing that right. 

Oh, also I loved Ed Begley Jr's random ass appearance. 

Like, why was he covered in dirt??? I feel like I'm low-key into EBJ? I can't tell. I mean, definitely I'll always have affection for him because of Stan Sitwell. And also for other things? He sort of reminds me of a more albino, less-important Matthew Modine? Um, did I just say someone was less-important than Matthew Modine? (no shade, I love you Birdy!!!!)

Overall, if you couldn't tell, I super disliked this movie. I didn't like ~the style~; hated almost every character; was annoyed at typical eighties ~diversity casting~ (a doo-wop group?? One random Asian extra in Raven's gang?? Come on); wanted McCoy to stop being so obvious; wanted Billy to die, then got annoyed at the movie for bringing me down into its anti-Semitic web of (mostly) lies; got annoyed at how obvious reshoots scenes were, then hated myself for noticing, then hated the movie for making me hate myself - it was a mess, and Streets of Fire brought me down, man. Very not full tilt boogie, man. I honestly should've quit this shit the minute I saw those title cards talking about some SET IN ANOTHER TIME IN ANOTHER DIMENSION OR SOME SHIT WHICH, IN LAYMAN'S TERMS, MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL THE MANY HORRIBLE MISTAKES WE'VE MADE. ALSO, SHYAMALAN, WE DID IT F1RST. ugh, no.

^me @ Streets of Fire

die.