Hmm, this movie is so irrelevant I can't even find a proper poster for this shit online. I mean, I only spent like .03 seconds google image searching for one. But still. Like, I shouldn't have to struggle past the first page of results to find an appropriate image for a movie's poster. The one I chose above^ isn't okay because I think it's like the paper inside a DVD jacket...splayed out?? Like someone scanned it?? Come on.
So I watched this movie because the description On Demand had for it sounded really bad. It was something like "A man terrorizes a mother and her daughter". And then it said it starred Burt Reynolds and I was just like, YEP. It sounded like it'd be one of those run-of-the-mill shitty films IMPACT is always playing. Is IMPACT a channel...or just an On Demand category?? Idk, but it's a pretty great place to find films that are really terrible and they'll label their films with things like SWEET ROUNDHOUSE KICKS or BABY THROWN THROUGH PLATE GLASS. Like, I hate IMPACT, but I love IMPACT. However, The Maddening wasn't listed under IMPACT, it was listed under Showtime so hmmmm. Wait - no1 cares. I forgot...I forget sometimes how no one cares about like 99% of the things I write/talk about.
Let's proceed with this recap thing that no one will read lol hahahahha hahah ha!!!
So, wait. I thought this movie was going to be something else. I thought it'd be like...Burt Reynolds...holding his family hostage or something. Actually....I guess that's sort of what this turned out to be? But I was confused when the movie opened with Mia Sara and her stale piece of toast ass husband Brian Wimmer. I'm like...ummmmmmm, what? Is...is Brian Wimmer's wimmery ass going to be...like really crazy??? I couldn't see how he was going to terrorize anything or hold anyone hostage or whatever. And I was getting disgusted that I had been duped and bamboozled into watching some secret shitty Lifetime movie when I wanted to watch a shitty IMPACT movie.
So the movie starts out with this little girl who looks like David from Roseanne, talking to her dolls and shit. It's always creepy to me when little girls are playing with their invisible friends and having invisible friend tea parties. Or maybe it's only creepy because every time I see it happen in movies they're playing like creepy The People Under the Stairs ass music over the scene for no reason?? Also I felt like I was supposed to be creeped out because I assumed some fucked-up shit was going on with her family, and I was just like "Oh, she's being molested". But no, she's just like a regular ordinary kid, I guess? Brian Wimmer shows up to scoop her up from the front lawn where she's playing, and what follows is a sickening display of family love and comradery or whatever. Brian Wimmer and Mia Sara, the parents, kissy kiss or whatever and she's all like "I missed you sooo much!!" and it's disgusting. Later, Brian tucks David from Roseanne into bed and then he goes into the bedroom where the wife is, and starts undressing. She's all ready to have sex and stuff. She says something about his tie. It's a lucky tie, maybe? Who fucking knows with white people, tbh. Anyway, they get into sexy time stuff. But then Brian Wimmer is like "oh, btw, I have to leave again in a few days". I guess he's a BUSINESS MAN and does BUSINESS MAN THINGS. Mia Sara LOSES HER FUCKING SHIT. Lol it's so funny and over the top and the acting in this scene is atrocious. She's all like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE LEAVING HOW DARE OYOUY DOUG DJJST LEFT YOUR FUKING PEICE OF SHIT. Yo, it's like, chill out, jezebel. And what's really funny - not funny haha, but funny like, Mia Sara's an idiot - is that the next day when Brian sees his cunt ass boss at work, she's like "Your wife knows travel is part of your job, right?" LIKE, HELLO. How do you think Brian is keeping your ass in the best housewife finery?? He needs to work, bitch!!
Anyway, at this point, I keep asking myself aloud, "What the fuck is this movie??" Because I honestly have no idea where it's going or why I need to care about Brian going on a fucking business trip or why his boss was so. fucking. cunt. but then she disappears and we never get to see her again wtf???
Mia Sara is still pissed off because BrIAN HAS TO DO HIS FUCKING JOB. So her immature, irresponsible ass just takes David from Roseanne and they go on some fucking roadtrip to see some random aunt or some shit. SHE DOES NOT TELL BRIAN WIMMER. She is honestly so immature, like, who does that??? And she leaves the house in peril, AND SHE LEAVES A BOILING POT OF BRIAN'S TIES ON THE STOVE. At this point I'm like "I don't care what happens to Mia Sara I hope she dies", because fucking hell no.
So I'm finally maybe starting to see where the movie is going when Burt Reynolds shows up WITH THE MOST APPALLING FUCKING HAIRPIECE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE AND I AM D E V A S T A T E D that I don't have a pic of it but okay I'll get over it I'll just push down those feelings along with all the other feelings I push down haha what feelings haha.
So Mia Sara pulls over to a gas station to get some gas because when you're driving a car apparently sometimes it needs to be replenished or whatever. Burt Reynolds I guess works at this gas station? It's not totally clear--OH. No, wait, later on in the movie it's explained he sells car parts there, I guess? Idfk, but in this first scene I thought he was an employee. Also at first I thought he was going to steal Mia Sara away from Brian Wimmer with his ~~~manly charms~~. Like, I thought this was going to be some gross romance film or something. And then Brian would have to fight to get his family back. Thank god that notion was dissolved fairly quickly when Burt Reynolds started giving me House of 1000 Corpses tease. Or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre tease? He was giving basically any movie based in the south and there's a creepy family living in a big, usually rundown house tease. I was like "phew", because if I had to see him seriously romancing Mia Sara, instead of just raping himself upon her as he does later, I would have been sick to my fucking stomach :) Instead of only mildly nauseous when he raped her :))
So Mia's getting gas at some rundown ass gas station and oh boy do I hate when people stop at suspicious looking ass places like this in movies. I don't go on roadtrips, nor do I drive, but come on. For every super-shitty, suspicious fucking looking gas station, there must be 10 legit-looking ones with lights and they have the fucking little store that sells namebrand soda and shit. Why not wait a few more miles to get to the better gas station? Why go to the creepy one with the creepy fucking employees with like soul patches and hair rugs??? And then they all come out to talk to and "help" you and give you directions to a "shortcut"????? Yeah, no. NOOO. Stop it, people in movies!! Stop doing this!! Go to Exxon!!! or one of the other ones? Hess?? Is...does that still exist? Is that an imaginary gas station place or a real one? The hess truck's back and it's better than ever??? Christmas this year or something??
Here are a handful out of 1,000 different ways Mia Sara, a mom with a kid, is super fucking dumb and irresponsible in just this 1 scene
1. she gets out of her car at this place
2. she talks to these people outside of saying "fill up my car with gas"
3. she hands this shady place her credit card, when she has cash on her
4. the credit card is expired and she's like "lol whoopsies!!"
5. burt reynolds mentions a shortcut and she's not like "lol didn't ask, but thanx"
6. burt reynolds gets off the topic of the shortcut, but Mia being an idiot is like, "oh, you were saying about that shortcut??"
7. she follows the "shortcut" directions, even though she has her daughter in the car and maybe shouldn't be taking risks when she is responsible for another human being life other than her entirely insignificant own
Let's keep it going!!!!!!!!!!!
Here are a handful out of 1,000 different ways Mia is super fucking dumb and irresponsible after she takes the shortcut
1. the car breaks down
2. she gets out and looks under the hood and shrugs and is like "lol whoopsie"
3. her daughter, whose life she is responsible for, is in the car, and Mia looks at her like "lol whoops"
4. she sighs like loudly? to get her daughter to wake up so she can be horrified at the fact that the only person responsible for her life is a complete ignoramus and 1,000% useless
5. she attempts to dial someone on the car phone but I guess it doesn't work????
6. she says something to her daughter like "we're in trouble, kiddo"???? NO, YOU'RE AN ADULT. THE DAUGHTER IS A CHILD DEPENDENT ON YOU. YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, GET YOU OUT OF THIS MESS, AND BY EXTENSION YOUR DAUGHTER, WHO SHOULD HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES, WON'T FUCKING DIE.
7. Burt Reynolds shows up to "help"
8. Mia doesn't question why he is out there on that abandoned road, she just goes with him to his house
9. sigh
10. at Burt Reynold's house, he tells Mia and her daughter to go in and have some food or some shit???? And so Mia does??? Instead of staying outside and watching Burt Reynolds fix her fucking car???
11. Burt Reynold's wife Angie Dickinson comes out and is creepy as hell calling Mia's character by another name and clearly mistaking her for another person. SHE'S A CLEAR NUTJOB, THOUGH THIS DOES NOT DETER MIA FROM ENTERING HER HOME
12. As soon as they enter the house it's creepy as fuck, and Angie's daughter wearing fucking mascara comes down and is all rough and shit, snatching the doll out of David from Roseanne's hand and Mia is like "hey!!" @ this little girl, but Angie is just like "lol no it's okay, they're just playing". UM, NO, GET THIS BITCH. And Mia sort of says this...but...nothing happens. Like Angie's daughter just snatches David from Roseanne and pulls her upstairs to go play or get murdered or whatever???? And Mia...doesn't do anything???
13. Mia hears her car phone ringing, so goes back outside. She tries to take David, but she's being snatched away by Angie's psycho kid @ this point? So she just like shrugs and runs outside???
14. She's like to Burt "oh, that's my car phone ringing, can you hand it to me??" He does, by closing the little flappy part and ending the call. IT'S OBVIOUS HE KNEW THIS WOULD END THE CALL. But Mia is like "...oh, that's...how you hang-up..." HE KNOWS THIS, BITCH. GET YOUR KID AND GO NOW.
15. She hears screaming from the house and runs inside to get her daughter. She's like to Angie, "TAKE ME TO MY DAUGHTER". Like, getting really heated and I'm like "yes, finally, act appropriate". Angie is like "okay, calm down" and takes Mia upstairs. She ends up locking her in some dark ass room with a wheelchair in the corner. OKAY. Mia's...reactions and behavior after this point are all a no for me, dawg. She freaks out mildly about being locked in this room. She's like knocking on the door "Hey, you locked me in here!" It becomes night at some point and Burt shows up and she's like "lol your wife locked me in here??" SHE SHOULD BE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MORE FUCKING FREAKED OUT AT THIS POINT. Not only has she been locked up in some fucking house, but she has NO IDEA where her fucking daughter is. There is NO CRYING AND SCREAMING OR SCRATCHING OR CLAWING OR ANYTHING HAPPENING. What the fuck kind of reaction is she having, seriously???? Who the fuck is just chillin' like that wtf???
So while all this is going on, Brian Wimmer is back on the homefront freaking out because his wife is missing and shit, and also there's this fat ass police detective on his trail, suspecting him of murder and shit. Couldn't...care less about this, tbh. Let's get back to the house even though honestly, at this point, can the movie end????
So basically Burt Reynolds makes it clear to Mia Sara that she's not going anywhere, after repeated questions from her about when they'll let her leave...and when her car will be fixed, etc. AND IT'S SO ANNOYING TO ME THAT IT TAKES HER FOREVER TO REALIZE SHE'S TRAPPED IN THAT HOUSE. Why do you...like why does she ask about the car and when they'll let her leave? What the fuck does she think is happening? Ugh, so dumb. AND ANOTHER ANNOYING THING IS HOW SHE MAKES LIKE NO ATTEMPT TO GET OUT OF THE ROOM? Yeah, eventually she uses the wrench to take nails out of the door, which ends up being for naught, but I guess I'll get to that later? But before she removes nails from the door...like she doesn't...THERE'S A WINDOW THAT'S BOARDED UP...BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD SORT OF BREAK THROUGH THE BOARDS??? AND IT'S TOTALLY MADE CLEAR LATER ON THAT YOU TOTALLY CAN SMASH THROUGH THEM?? BUT SHE DOESN'T EVEN TRY??? ALSO WTF. WHEN SHE HAS THE WRENCH SHE NEVER TRIES TO HIT BURT OR ANGIE WHEN SHE HAD A TON OF OPPORTUNE MOMENTS TO DO SO???? LIKE EVENTUALLY SHE DOES HIT BURT BUT HE JUST ENDS UP PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE??? LOL LIKE LEGIT DEAD ASS IN THE FACE. SO MAYBE HITTING HIM WASN'T A GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL??? idk, I just felt like Mia wasn't trying hard enough to escape. LIKE WHEN SHE'S TAKING THE BATH AND GETS THE SCISSORS BUT DOESN'T HIDE THEM AND ANGIE SEES AND IS LIKE "LOL HAIR CUTTING TIME!!!!!!!" wtf? lol what was..the purpose of the scissors???? That's like chekov's gun if it meant the gun will eventually be used to play hot potato or something. This movie is so. dumb.
So we get some backstory on Burt and the fam. Apparently he killed his son Arthur. Smothered him with a pillow, you know, the usual. Angie's sister, whom she thinks Mia is, used to live with them with her daughter. The sister and her daughter "left" after Burt killed Arthur. Though, eventually we find out Burt killed them, not that that wasn't 100% obvious from jump street but okay!!! There's also a ghost dad in a wheelchair?? Taunting Burt??? Fun for the whole family!!!
Brian Wimmer begins to follow Mia's trail and he hits up that gas station and they direct him to the shortcut which of course leads to Burt's house. At this point Mia is chained up to a bed, and Burt has raped her and David from Roseanne is being led around by that little girl with a fucking noose leash or some shit and this movie is honestly doing too much, but at the same time, not enough??? Brian turns up to Burt's garage and is like "Have you seen Mia Sara and David from Roseanne??" Burt is like "Why would your wife and daughter be at my garage?" CUNT. Brian's like "lol u right. Thanks anyway, pal!!" Of course he immediately goes snooping around the property. He sees the doll David from Roseanne was carrying around and starts screaming her name LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT. Because of course Burt instantly shows up and like chokes him and is burying his body in a well or some shit???? Around this point Mia is...oh, so Mia wasn't chained up yet at this point, I think. She was planning her escape but Burt drugged her with milk. FUN! He chains her up afterward because he catches her trying to escape? Tbh, I started disassociating more and more the further the movie went on because it was being really extra in all the wrong ways. I was just like "okay, alright". I really felt like they were dragging out the family being rescued. Doing all this shit with the husband getting in the house, getting out, blah blah. Eventually David from Roseanne gets out of the house and we know once she's out she's going to run towards the highway and flag down a car and THAT SHOULD END WELL!!
Brian Wimmer finds Mia chained up and they have a weird reunion scene. Crying, and then Mia laughing at his tie??? I was like "uh uh, bitch! It's not the time for that!!" I guess she was high on the drugs????? Fun, good, wholesome family fun. Brian gets Mia out of the chains and then there was also some stuff with Angie Dickinson talking about her sis?? And then Burt Reynolds shows up to do some speech? Or did he do his speech prior to this????? Maybe he did two speeches!! Anyway, he ends up shotgun blasting Angie Dickinson out of that boarded up window I was going on about before and I honestly can't fucking believe this movie wasn't on IMPACT, like it's soooo IMPACTy. I think--I remember the room being on fire, maybe? Like, seriously, things got really out of hand but like in a super boring way to me??? So I don't clearly remember...but definitely Mia got Burt's shotgun in her hand and she ends up shotun blasting him out the window. But to make his window fall unique he ends up in that wheelchair his ghost dad occupies???? YES, NICE.
THANK GOD, THIS FUCKING MOVIE ENDS. Just as Mia and Brian Wimmer are escaping the house, their daughter shows up in a police car. So, she wasn't murdered by any truckers, cool! I think the movie ends on a final shot of Burt and Angie's daughter sitting on the ledge of a well, staring down into it? I def remember laughing. Ah well, she's cute. She'll be alright. ehhh
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