Insecure

...I've been waitinG FOR THIS FOR SO LONG!!!! Please, like!! 

So my dweeb ass is mad excited. You don't understand, my dorky ass life was changed when Awkward Black Girl dropped. #ICONIC, okay? 

Wait, understand about me: Right now while writing this I'm listening to the kpop-rap band BTS. Their album, Wings. It's pretty dope so far. Understand this about me.

Okay, let's continue? (let's not???) So I really loved Awkward Black Girl. It was like yessssssssss a show I completely relate to. I mean, mostly. Jay got a lot of play in that series lol. She had a white boi and a lame, guitar playing black boo 2 lol. That is not relatable. My awkward black ass does not get any play. I give SIMS glitch vibes, niggas stay away. But everything else, though! Wait, also Jay was acceptable enough for gainful employment. Can't relate! lol Like...like I said I give SIMS glitch vibes. I feel like more normal seventeen year old me related to Awk Black Girl the most even though I discovered the series in my way worse, more corroded twenties? MOVING ON! 

So whatever I'm a Issa stan. Have been for a minute and have been waiting seemingly twelve million years for her ~legit~ show to drop. I thought this shit was never coming out. But Issa seems really together, you know? Like no matter what messy Hollywood shit goes on like she'll prevail? So that's cool. You know how it goes being a fan of like indie types. They're always a mess. No shade I'm a mess, too, lol but when you be into these artists and rooting for them it can get kinda exhausting, so it's refreshing to be into someone who's just powering forward no matter what thank god. I'm being super-extra (aquarius), but like I WANT BETTER STUFF ON TV! Thanks! Like, just better art--Not even better, but just...shit I passionately care about?? Just shit specifically interesting to me. Before Insecure I had...like...Peep Show and RuPaul's Drag Race. And Loiter Squad, annnnd most seasons of American Dad, and the not even that terrible movie After Earth, annnnd Shameless and anything Eva Green is in, and Tom Hardy and Shia LaBeouf, and Tituss Burgess annnnd now I have Insecure. Yeah I was def being lowkey dramatic but I could've been more so?? And that's what counts :') (deleet my blog) (why am i sweating while writing this smh) 

Anyway, where's Darius?? 

I see you got that white boy up in there? 

Where Quiet Voiced Ass Bae? Hmm @ you, Issa. Hmm @ u.

Lol no. I mean, I will be feeling some type of way if he is never on the show???? But I'll wait!! lol (not for long this shit is disrespectful). 

So I really pretty much loved the pilot. Def loved the opening with the kids roasting Issa lol. Her outfit settled for less. Classic. But those kids were really rude and disrespectful? Lol I woulda popped awf. I pop awf on anyone I figure weaker than I. But honestly I could get my ass kicked by a thick six year old, so I should fall back.

My fave thing about this show is that it's just expanded Awkward Black Girl. This is what I wanted. It's just, like, longer. And has a better soundtrack? (debatable). I am very excited because I wanted more seasons of ABG, and I am getting them but on HBO and more is going on. Also the acting looks like it'll be better? Lol yikes. Also I am feeling Issa's friend that imdb is apparently telling me is named Molly. Did not  remember that. I just remember her #brokepussy. NOW HOW IS ISSA GONNA ACT LIKE SHE AINT UNDERSTAND WHY BROKE PUSSY WAS UPSET? Cum on now!! 

How do I feel about this conversation about Molly having difficulty with men, though? A part of me is sooooooo tired of the black women can't find/keep a man thing???? But...it's the conversation, I guess. And can make for great comedy and drama. Also I like looking at the actress playing Molly, so I guess it'll be a fun ride. But I am already tired - know this. But thank god possibly tired, over-done ass topics are being told by someone whom...I want to hear from. Issa'll put a fresh spin on it, or at the very least make it amusing, so I'm good for now. You know what I really wanted for so long? A black Girls. Like a Girls I can watch and not feel weird about. Is Insecure this? Yes no maybe by Trey Songz?? Idk, but I wish I had all the eps at once? Waiting every week for a new ep? ANNOYING! I need to know if Issa is gonna cheat on/leave her man! Will she quit her job and becum a soundcloud mixtape artist?? What does Jamal look like?? Will that lightskint crybaby perform his cry raps again?? How come that Arab dood texted Molly "Hey" then--OH WAS IT CUZ SHE CALLED HIM? Is this what happens in the ~dating scene~?? Yikes. Omg I just got scared this show gon' give Molly a boyfriend and he gon' be cute in the beginning then ghost her and imma have to never watch this again. 

I wonder if that Indian chick from ABG will have lines lol. And how cum Issa brought her on and not that papi chulo nigga? Is his acting too garish for HBO?? But...u brought back the Indian chick. Wait lemme learn her name I feel racist. Sujata Day! She was the most extra actor on ABG, and that shit was FULL of extra-acting. But somehow she made the cut hmmmm. Is Issa ~industry friends~ with that dude from That Guy? What's his name - Mike? I hope he makes the show, he can actually act. Like I see random Dormtainment and utube niggas whom I don't care about and I'm wondering who else Issa knows and will put in this mess. Hopefully she's made better connections no shade. But anyway I'm excited! Why can't I just be all positive? I gotta be negative again and say imma have to entirely stop listening to Drake thanks to this show. I dropped out of college so I have no bizness listening to "Jungle" whilst I cry myself to sleep on the toilet. I deserve only Lil Yachty. Is that one of them? :(

Black people don't know Steve McQueen?

So I am very dead at that Justin Bieber shit. Like lol I kept looking mad hard at first to see where the white boy playing Biebs was. But instead it was some douchey, Vine-type black boi and it was really funny???? This show is weird af but I am obviously at all times getting my life? LIKE STEFAN URKEL PLAYING IN THE CELEBRITY BASKETBALL GAME PLEEEZ! And like he was kinda struggling pleez. AND LLOYD PLEEZ. For no reason at all I love Lloyd and I got so excited to see him? I hate this show and I hate Donald Glover, bottom line! Lol but wait were those Donald's vocals in Biebz' new song? There is so much blood in my lungs.

I don't watch this show week by week. I barely watch any show like that except for my main bitch, Shameless. I wish I was better, but also I wish shows were? But no like Atlanta is my new bae so I should make a point to watch it every week now that I'm gonna be watching Shameless every week? Sigh, I guess. But anyway, all this was to say I just watched like three episodes in a row and now they're all mixed up in my head and I have no concept of the chronological order of things or what happened in what episode. 

I think the Zaine thing happened first? Or was it Zain?? That blasian or Dominican or Indian or whatever looked very like every nigga I've ever met from like Virginia Beach lol. He was very South. Even though is VB even south? What is the DMV? Where is that considered? Is it just its own thing? Why haven't I been euthanized? Next week on Dragon Ball Z...

So that Zaine shit was really funny. No, what was really funny was Zaine coming for Darius and then when Paper Boi said he was cool Zaine switched it up and offered my bae a hat and he took it but with like an attitude. Anyway, I watch this show like 98% for Darius and why doesn't he have all the lines? No, I don't want to be one of those weird standom type people. But I am very one of those types of people. Let me just pretend that I care what all is going on with Paper B and Earnest and them. When I really do not? No, like I do. But I don't???? A handful of the ancillary characters are like way more intriguing. Like, Zaine for examp. Orrrrrr Van's friend. I could watch a whole horrible show about ~high class~ instagram escorts hmm spin-off??? I could DEFINITELY watch a whole show just following Darius around. I feel like a show following Darius around would accidentally turn out to be what True Detective Season 2 should've been? Idk, I'm so tired.

Anyway, what's all this business about black people not knowing Steve McQueen? The ~King of Cool~. Steve McQueen is one of those Joseph Cotten type white people you can squint at and be like "Hmm, seems mixed". Or is that just me? There's something...rough textured about his hair, non?? Lol whatever. I def feel black people know about Steve McQueen???? But like idek if this show was really saying that. Like that whole bit was very...contrived. But like purposely? I don't try to figure things out cuz I'm a dummy, so I don't know what all that was trying to say, but I was feeling some type of way because I def know Steve McQueen unfortch and I was like okay??? But also............I am very a Darius-type black, I think? What am I horribly being shown about myself??? No, don't want to think!! Moving on!! 

Right okay, but what's gonna happen now that Van is fired? But anyway, thanks for making me finally care about her. I thought Van was gonna exist as this kind of 2D BabyMama thing and I was gonna have to sigh and eyeroll every time she was on screen but I very much enjoyed her episode getting more screen time. Like just watching her get all Bill Nye with those diapers was great, so more Van definitely maybe. Especially if her sugar baby friend will be around, lesbihonest. BUT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW THAT VAN IS FIRED? I am very intrigued/excited. This is some good drama to me lol. Imma be a little disappointed though if Van losing her job is solved by Earnest and them getting a swift come up. But maybe not much if it's done in like some weird dreamscapey, stylized, confusing ass way that, like, gaslights me out of thinking the storyline is mad basic and cliché. I will completely ignore any obvious storytelling if it's done weirdly lol. I'm really loving this show that might secretly lowkey be basic but I can't tell because it's portrayed interestingly. This show is hittin' most of my spots even though sometimes I wake up from the coma like Whoa, wait, but then they hit another spot and I go back under. Anyway, good thing I don't write TV shows. (Is it, though? Who doesn't want an erotic octopus ballet equestrian psychodrama??? Cum on).

Leave Her to Heaven (1945)

Leave Her to Heaven is one of my favorite movies and Ellen is my queen. Everything about her is just so glamorous and cunt and she's shitting on every hoe at all times anywhere. She's just, better than you. So it's like...kinda weird how thirsty she is about Richard Harland. But, that's mainly, and creepily, because he looks like her dad? And so that's probably mostly only why Ellen even entertains him? Because like...what is it about Richard that is really so enthralling? Who is really so geeked to marry his boring ~I write books~ ass? I just know his books probably dusty as fuck. Anyone who dully nicknames someone "The Gal with the Hoe" writes shitty, dry ass books, guaranteed. And anyone who is so easily swept off their feet by some clearly psychotic horse-riding demon queen, is someone too stupid to write really good-like. These are facts. 

So I relate a lot to Ellen. Wait, no! lol. I relate to

1. Hating Danny

2. When she was mad annoyed after Richard and Danny and that groundskeeper dude "surprised" her by bringing her family up to Back of the Moon.

1. expanded: Danny deserved to die. Bottom line. No wait. Okay, no one deserves to die except any brony, but Danny was mad annoying! Like he was so yuck. My thing is: Whyyyyyy did Ellen make his legs start working again? Lol the doc was all "You damn near willed that boy to walk!". This bitch done super-saiyaned his fucking spine back correct or some shit, but why? What did she think would happen? Did she think Richard would send him to boarding school immediately? Or maybe she was thinking oh, I'll do this nice thing for my husband he'll be so happy, but didn't think beyond what would happen if Danny was better? Like...he's obviously not going to stay in a hospital type environment if...he doesn't need to? Hello, kaduh, Ellen! 

So I kind of blame Ellen for making Danny's legs start working again and there I do not relate to her. If my ultimate goal was to be alone with my husband no way would I 1. cozy up to his kin and 2. make his kin better so they wouldn't need to be in a hospital and would have to go home and home would likely be where my husband was? So dumb. Make the environment as uncomfortable and impossible as possible so the hubs doesn't even think to bring the brother to the house. Ellen is slow af. Then she was acting like some martyr like, I gave up my honeymoon for this!! Um, who told you to do that? Ellen is way too cunt to be doing shit to make Richard happy. Like who cares about his happiness? Lol it's not like he's going to leave you smh, do better as a demon cunt succubus queen, Ellen! 

2. expanded: I don't like "surprises" either. And if I was on some fake honeymoon with my dude, and his brother was already there getting on my fucking nerves, and then the idiot brings my fake-sis and moms up there, too? I would lose it. But probably one of my fave scenes from any movie is that almost cringingly uncomfortable scene where the groundskeeper dude is playing the banjo or some shit idk and Danny is singing (kill. me!) and Ellen is just fucking walking around scowling with this dark thundercloud ass energy omg it's amazing. It's so good. BITCH WHEN DANNY DROPS HIS CRUTCH! TALKING BOUT LOOK AT THIS TRICK I CAN DO!! BIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!! The dead ass silence after that when everyone is sick-scared at upsetting Ellen and her reaction BITTCHCHCHHCHCCHCH! Like, I wish to have that sort of power of my annoyance just filling a room like toxic gas fumes and everyone is just slowly choking to death MY GOD IT IS BEAUTIFUL.

The baby thing. Bitch, Ellen, bitch. Whyyyy did you get pregnant if you didn't want this baby? Well, like obviously it was to make Richard ~forget~ about Danny (lol smh), but...again I just don't understand her obsession with Richard's feelings lol. It's so weird. Like, to me, she doesn't even view him as a person, but a possession, so why does she really care how he feels? Though I guess she's aware enough to know you have to make some modicum of effort to appease your possession in order to keep it, but if she was really about that life he'd just be chained up in the basement and she wouldn't have to worry about frivolous, common things such as his feelings and shit. Sigh, I blame them not having the internet back then. Poor thing.

But I LOVE the ultra-drama of Ellen flinging herself down the steps in bedroom slippers that have a tiny little heel on them. Who does that? Also Ellen kills me with how obvious she is. Like everyone just auto-knows she threw herself down the stairs lol. And of course everyone knew she killed Danny. It's so funny like she's so sloppy but everyone's too scared to say anything? Desired aesthetic. But also desired aesthetic is Ellen's mom leaving the room when Ellen sits down next to her and then later in the movie spending all her time in her room. I am both of them. 

I go back and forth about Ellen's fake-sis Ruth. Wait first can we talk about how Jeanne Crain and Gene Tierney go neck and neck beauty-wise? I think Gene wins because she's more...beautiful than cute, whereas Jeanne is more cute, but I like that the two main ladies are just shitting on pretty much any Hollywood Ho, at least around the time this movie came out. I can't think of a more cunt Hollywood Ho. Maybe that chick smh I'm forgetting her name but she like invented stuff? Was an astrophysicist or some shit? Sigh, you know who I mean. (u don't). (Hedy Lamarr!!) But that's it. And then the Technicolor assness of this movie and their dark features and make-up - I was really getting my life. Shame the male love interest is Cornel Wilde's doofy looking ass. One of the things I hate the most about old timey movies is the lame-looking ass male love interests. There were some hottie/studs back then like Cary Grant annnnnd Gary Cooper was pretty hot...and a handful of others but bitch most of these Fred MacMurray and Van Heflin looking type dudes be really fucking the shit up. You be watching like...Joan Crawford is flinging herself onto couches over him? Girl, pl...

Anyway, Ruth was a total hoe. The Hoe with the Hoe, more like. Lol, no, but she did put Richard on her list from day one even though she knew he was interested in Ellen. Though, Ellen was engaged to Vincent Price's outside-voice having ass, so...she wasn't wrong for wanting the dick report. But Richard is not that cute, his hair is dusty and uneven, so, actually, Ruth was sort of wrong for wanting the d report. You want a d report on a nigga who looks like he gets his eyebrows threaded at the beauty supply store? Okay...

What I really love is that Ellen's mother adopted Ruth because Ellen was such a fucking   crazy ass bitch since birth. Ellen's mother was like nah fuck this, and just went and adopted a non-crazy daughter and threw her hands up at the sitch. But tbh, if she had maybe tried a smidge, Ellen wouldn't have turned into such a casual ass child murderer lol and smh. But idk...Ellen seems like the type of crazy that is cemented from the start and there is no chance at chipping away at it. That shit is there to stay. So I guess Ellen's mother was smart for getting a new daughter, but honestly if she was really smart she would've smothered Ellen in her crib and made it look like an accident like SIDS or something but anyway this is only one of a million reasons why I will never be shit. 

Benny Mankes was saying on TCM how Gene Tierney was considered so beautiful by Hollywood that I guess she was never taken seriously as an actress? (Lame!). But this movie and her subsequent Best Actress Oscar nom (deserved!), changed things greatly. But how? Lol I can't even think of other shit in Gene's resume that topped or even a little bit came close to this? And don't talk to me about The Razor's Edge, that's Anne Baxter's movie.

It would've been nice to see Gene do a bunch of other shit, Leave Her to Heavenish. Just crazying it up on the screen. But maybe she would've been annoyed about typecasting? Sometimes typecasting is okay. Like her just playing psychotic bad bitches in a million movies would've been legendary. But alas, that was not to be. I should look her up, like I don't really know her story. I think she had one of those "breaks" and maybe died youngish? Probably no and no to both, but maybe? Anyway, at least she left us with Leave Her to Heaven. Even the best actresses who get to do a million cool shits don't have such an iconic performance and movie as this. Like even Cate Blanchett doesn't have a Leave Her to Heaven. So Gene definitely achieved a feat. Also she gave us such great looks. I stole from the interwebs:

ICONIC. 

The whole time Ellen was spreading her father's ashes while riding the mountains or some shit on a goddamn horse all I could do was pterodactyl-screech at the top of my lungs: "WHAT A FREAK!". Just a luxuriously psychotic piece.

Speaking of ICONIQÙE. Just such a look and such a Moment™. But whose fault is it really that Danny drowned? I think Danny's ultimately. You do have Unspecified Movie Cripple Disease, so? Why you swimming so long and going so far out into the water for? Use your stupid dulled brain to think. Well, you can't now cuz u dead, but if you was alive do that.

better. IKONICK. 

Iconique beat face she is better than you and your mom and your mom's mom and Abraham Lincoln's mom obviously like there's no way anyone who birthed an exhumed giraffe skeleton looks good like it's not even close.

lol this was after Ellen had flung herself down the stairs and had her miscarriage and at the hospital Ellen's mom was like "First his brother, now his son" and I FUCKING CHOKED and then you see this bitch skipping gaily af out the water and I CHOKED AGAIN, BITCH! Harryeyeconnickjr.

Anyway this is a great movie lol 10/10 rec, watch it. Don't make a mistake and not watch it. I'll come to your home and sing the Jigglypuff lullba--wait, that's not a threat, that would be a gift. A gift from me, to you.

Sicario (2015)

I watched this like two weeks ago so I forgot completely everything that happened. But I def remember thinking while watching, "When is The Bridge coming back?". I think I've been asking about a third season for that show for like three years lol smh but I'm serious what the fuck happened to The Bridge that show was lit af. Orr...idk, was it? Yes, it was. Why was it just randomly cancelled? I think? But they renewed Tyrant? Who watches that?? Anyway because I don't watch it I assume no one does and that's how logic works, my friends.

So anyway Sicario reminded me of a show I guess no one watched on FX but it had Diane Kruger and Demián Bichir and it was lit but kind of bad but mostly good. It was about...Mexican cartel stuff? Yikes. But they def talked about Juárez a lot and alladat. And there was drug stuff or whatever. Beheadings? Sure, probably. Def a lot of murders. Mexico and drugs and murder stuff. Pretty much any entertainment thing that has those three components is the same to me. Though obviously they're all on this sliding scale of goodness. Like, probably Sicario was better than The Bridge at least, like, scientifically? (idk). If not for the casting of Benicio Del Toro alone. And Emily Blunt also. They're like the ~respected Hollywood~ counterparts to Diane and that dude whom I first saw on Weeds spanking Nancy Botwin?? So yeah, Sicario was kind of maybe better than The Bridge. But no thanks to Josh Brolin. His head is so big idgi.

Anyway, Emily plays some FBI agent I think? Anytime I watch like policey stuff or FBI-y stuff I never know like...what's going on lol. I just wait for people to be brutally killed so I can get my life and don't try to think too much about anything. So Emily more than likely but I have no idea even though it was a major plot point played a FBI agent person probably. In the beginning of the movie she and her squad discover this trap house and it's like full of bodies? Like dead bodies in the walls? I thought it was weird that Ems and her crew were like vomiting and shit at the sight of that? Are they not used to that? I guess that should have explained her attitude the whole time towards Benicio and Josh's outfit and schemes? Like the whole movie I kept being confused why Emily cared so much about rules and legal shit lol. It was bothering me like who is in Mexico trying to play by the book? So bizarre lol. Maybe I watch too many movies but it was just weird. Like how she felt some type of way when they were on the highway and Benicio and them started shooting up niggas in cars and there were all these civilians around? I just assume...the FBI and etc does shit like this all the time?? Lol but I honestly know absolutely nothing. But I'm pretty sure shit like this happens all day every day? ALSO can we talk about how obvious the dudes in the cars were with face tattoos and shit? Like way to be a target to like Official Types, no? Because when they were sitting in the car waiting to see whom they'd be attacked by I kept thinking it wouldn't be the obvious looking turf war type dudes with face tattoos like that just seemed way too on the nose but it turned out to actually yes definitely be them? Whomp.

Anyway this movie was pretty good. Benicio was very lit. I kept thinking it would turn out he was the head cartel dude they were searching for the whole movie? lol like when Emily had her little ~revelation~ that Benicio was working for the enemy or whatever I was like...girl, duh. Lol just him being non-American, when she clocked that she knew immediately, but to me, it was like, and? There was weird suspect shit happening from jump. It just felt like Emily was mad late and kind of naive? 

Can we talk about Jon Bernthal and his nose and how him and his nose were in this and he and Emily were about to get down but they didn't cuz it turned out he was shady and maybe he tried to kill her sigh could he have tried to choke my girl Ems after the fucking? Smh, LAME.

Anyway I forgot everything that happened lol but I remember being ~enthralled~ while watching and I love Emily Blunt and Benicio so it was cool to watch them in this like I love when actors I love do stuff and I love when it's like good stuff? Very exciting. I am empty inside, anyway 10/10 would recommend. Or, eh...8/10 at least. 9/10 if I just had my coffee and morning pooh.

Wait, but ps: Who was pissed that Emily didn't shoot Benicio? Like I would've been heated if he came to my house and pointed a gun at me to sign some fucking paper saying he did everything right even though he didn't? ever?, then told me to move to like Idaho or something because I'm a lamb and his bitch ass is a wolf. Like that's kinda hot, but also really, really rude. If she would've murdered him she could've stayed. But then I guess who is really tryna be a wolf? Benicio has to be because he basically completely looks like a werewolf mid-transition at all times always. Anyway, did anyone see that Wolfman movie he did? If you didn't, congrats.