Moebius (2013)

So what the fuck?

The movie starts--The movie has no dialogue the whole time. Yet I watched it all the way through. Even though it's a silent film from 2013 but looks like a shitty TV show from the 90s.

Did I like this movie?

Definitely not!

I wanted to see this movie because I heard about it in the news a while back. First thing I heard was that the movie included #incest.

I know I'm not the only one constantly searching for a legitimately good incest film. Why are they all so bad?! So bad. Marguerite & Julien. Trash. That movie with the cousins and the guy punches the girl one. Sounds good but it's not. The actors are ugly and boring. That French piece of poop with the gay brothers. Or wait is it like Brazilian? Doesn't matter, it's caca.

The only good ones I've seen thus far have been either soft-incest, which is incest-adjacent, like Beau-pere (bae-pere; stepdadcest), or shit like Wuthering Heights which is more about being racist than it is about being a perv-o. There are a couple of French films that are okayish. And then The Dreamers, which doesn't count cuz it has Michael Pitt, or Womb, which is good, but it was like clone incest? or some shit? Get this sci-fi shit the fuck outta here!!

Watching Moebius for incest is ill-advised. That aspect is like, the least significant part of the film.

Another reason I had to see Moebius was even worse, in my opinion, than wanting to see some weirdo fuzzy family shit.

There was some headline in my inbox one day that went like "INCEST FILM DIRECTOR SLAPS ACTRESS!". But it was like an AOL News (?) headline. So I didn't read it lol why do sites have a gazillion ads like this shit is unusable.

So I didn't get the deets, but the headline was enough to reel me in. I found out the movie was named Moebius and I immediately decided that I would watch it, because if a director is smacking around actors, you know the movie slaps!!

-_-


I don't even know what to say. Why did I watch this whole thing? Maybe the universe felt like I needed to learn a lesson? I honest to God suspect this film is one of those barely under the cover religious this-is-a-warning Kirk Cameronish type of films. Except instead of rabid Christianity, Moebius stans Buddhism. I swear to God, I mean Buddha, this movie is a lowkey religious allegory.

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. So the movie begins with the dad character on the phone with his mistress. The mom character gets mad and starts fighting with him, trying to get his phone away. The son character is in the room with them in his school uniform just, like, staring.

No one says anything.

I think the son character is cute and I assume he'll fuck the mom or something at some point, so I keep watching.

The dad fucks off to smash his side piece. The mom gets all mad. The son watches his dad fuck his side piece? The mom smashes a rock or something in the window of the side piece's store? Or something. The side piece is a shopgirl. She looks identical to the mom to me, but I suspect it's because I'm racist.

Fast forward to the mom chopping off her son's penis!!

First, she tries to castrate the dad while he's asleep. He fights her off, so the mom slips into the son's bed while he's asleep, and does him instead. Castrates him.

For some reason I refused to accept that she cut his whole dick off. She puts it in her mouth after the fact to eat it, and it's like she popped in a cheese ball or something, not a whole goddamn dick.

This movie is racist, not me!

Dad takes Son to hospital. I guess they blot the area or whatever with some gauze or some shit.

Then mom disappears from the movie at this point, and now the movie is all about how the son has zero penis.

Or does he?

How does he pee?..

I don't know anatomy because I went to U.S. public school, but how does bae pee? They show him peeing (with the father watching, of course) and it's like getting all over the seat? But I was like...what is he peeing out of? The movie doesn't make it clear...all the gritty specific details so I just have to guesstimate what the fuck it's looking like down there.

The son is going to school and uses a urinal. A school chum or whatever sees that the son is pissing all over his shoes. He peeks over and laughs. Shortly after, him and his friends decide to harass the son by following after him to pull down his pants and look at his no penis. These kids never say a single word while bullying the son character out of his pants. It is the most bizarre shit.

Somewhere in here, the son character begins a romance of sorts with the shopgirl/dad's side piece. Elsewhere, the dad is looking up articles on his computer concerning genital transplant.

The son character is bullied again by the school chums. They are thwarted by a gang of bigger men who save the son. They take the son character under their wing or some shit. Two seconds later, they all decide to run a train on the shopgirl without her consent. All the gang members give it a go, but the son doesn't want to. But if the son wants to be a Jet...

So he goes in to rape the shopgirl. She's crying or whatever until she realizes this fool don't got a weewee!

Later, the gang and the son are arrested and taken to the police station.

The father goes to tell one of the police dudes, presumably, that it's impossible for his son to have raped anyone, because, you see, no peepee.

The dad literally walks out to where everyone is standing to pull his son's pants down to show the policeman what exactly he means!

The son fights his dad, but the dad manages to get his pants down. Everyone sees his no penis, and the gang members start laughing. The son starts beating the shit out of the dad. This scene was funny to me because the police let the son beating the dad go on for so long. Aren't they cops? Why are they just standing there while the son kicks the shit out of his father?? No idea, but this film should have 80 Oscars.

The son is put into prison. While he's doing that, the dad starts researching ways for someone to orgasm who has no genitals. I think he literally starts his search by typing in "no penis". If Argo can win Best Picture, this movie should be able to marry a sheep and be president.

The dad discovers some articles talking about erogenous zones (good) and how if you severely maim yourself you can achieve orgasm even if you don't have a dingaling (um).

The dad experiments on himself by rubbing the shit out of his foot with a rock. He cums, but is in severe pain afterwards due to rubbing a dang hole in his foot with a damb rock!!

My thing was, there's gotta be a better way, right? Literally one scene in the movie has the boy having an orgasm directly after being stabbed in the back and having the knife wriggled back and forth.

There's gotta be a less horrifying way to activate orgasm without needing to stab yourself or maim yourself with sharp rocks.

Wouldn't deep massages achieve the same affect? Or am I not woke enough for this film? Are they making some sort of comment about the blah we go to achieve whatever I don't know but I'm probably gonna try that rock thing next Full Moon smh.

So the dad goes to the prison to tell the son about his findings. He hands the son a print-out from one of the websites. At first the son is resistant, than immediately drops the attitude because he's in prison with zero penis and has literally nothing else to do. He finds some shit in the wall to use as a makeshift rock and gets to masturbating. He cums. Yay?

I don't fucking know.

He gets out of priz and goes to see the shopgirl, and they do the knife thing. Later, they lure one of the gang guys back to the shopgirl's place, where she cuts off his dick, then they make him cum with the knife trick.

I honestly don't know.

The mom comes back. I have no idea why the dad lets her in. Oh my god! I'm totally forgetting that eventually the dad--Fuck! This dude gives the son his penis! They do a transplant. Later, they test to see if the son can get hard with the new dick. Or, with his...dad's dick what the fuck.

Literally to test this, a doctor shows the son porn and they, along with the dad, just sit there and watch to see if the son becomes aroused! !

I'm tired.

The son's dad's dick is, too, apparently, as it does not rise to the occasion.

The son visits the shopgirl to see if she can get him going, but no luck.

So the mom comes back. What the fuck. She just walks in. The son and dad are clearly cautious, as they sleep together. Of course, during the night, the mom slips into bed between them. She strokes the son's face and of course he gets hard.

The mom is like what the heck. Because last time she saw her pride and joy she was nibblin' on his kibbles and bits.

The mom realizes the dad gave sonny boy his penus.

Now the mom is all hot for the son. Eventually she jerks him off and he cums. Later, she wants to FULL SMASH. The dad is fighting her, trying to get her to stop.

The movie commits a number 1 sin and does the whole ~it was all a dream~ shtick. This happens after it appears the son is fucking the mom and while doing so, the dad comes in and shoots her dead. When the son wakes up from his dream he goes out to see both his parents are dead from gunshot wounds to the head. For some reason the son decides to shoot his penis. Then the movie ends with him praising to a Buddha (??) statue. He gets up from that, looks into the camera, and smirks or some shit.

Fin.

What.

Also, was the whole movie a dream or just the bit where he fucked the mom? Either way, I hope everyone involved with this movie is doing well. They have blessed me so.

Succession (2018- )

I was never gonna watch this show. It looked basic af. Some douchey rich suit people cursing cool cuz HBO. Yeah, I'll pass, broseph.

Then I read a profile about Kieran Culkin in Vanity Fair (?) that was like 50% about his big sis Macaulay and the other half about how he's a middle school bodied freak who really loves wrestling and video games.

Which is to say, it was adorable.

Plus, I already had a crush on Keira before that. Why? I don't know, I have a lot of problems. I don't do anything about them because I don't feel like it, or care.

So here we are.

I watched Succession for Kieran Culkin and I stayed for uh...shit, Matthew Macfadyen?..

Man, what the fuck.

So this show isn't even good, right? I've def seen embarrassing, possibly retarded people talking about how good the writing (LMAO!) is and how amazing (wut) the scenes (um) and characters are (okay). But mostly I see people saying that they love Succession, and kind of wondering what the fuck. They aren't saying it's good, they just like it. But do not know why at all.

So here we are.

I hate absolutely every character. But good thing liking characters is simply a nice to have type of deal for me. Plus this is obvi the type of show where liking the characters would be inappropriate. Like watching A Clockwork Orange and thinking Alex is an absolute doll. Which I do. I'm glad Succession is too awful to make me accidentally like its shitty characters. But I also like that Succession isn't bad enough to be like, expecting me to like its garbage characters. Right? They're not doing an Entourage, right? Except...

No.

Succession doesn't expect me to like the characters, right?

No...

So let's talk about these so-called characters! ( ug h)

-Kendull. HATE. I hate Kendall so much. But what bothers me is that actually I don't really. I can't determine if I'm liking the actor, or feel sorry for his character? There's NO WAY it's either of those things, so I have no idea what's going on. I cringe at how desperate and pathetic he is. And what is with a grown man needing daddy's approval? I feel like I should understand him but everything he does and represents just makes me want to throw up. And now we're getting Bad Bitch Kendall, right? I'm rolling my eyes if they're going with the storyline that he's going to be the new whatever the dad's name is.

Did anyone else gag at the dad (what the fuck is his name???), like, smiling at the power move Kendall pulled on the season finale?? I hate this show. When the fuck is season three coming out hurry up!!

-Shiv Fucking Roy. Shiv is mad obnoxious but who doesn't love watching Sarah with her hooded eyes? What I'm wondering is why Shiv is all of a sudden interested in running/working at Whatever Company? Since when? She just chucks her political career? This show is crap. And what is the tea with her and Tom? She does not love this dude, it's so random. I read somewhere someone say (did Sarah say this? idk) that Shiv is with Tom because she trusts him? But in like a pathetic way. Like she's sure Tom won't/can't hurt her? Ie: doesn't have her heart so can't do shit with it. Would be interested to see who exactly could capture Shiv's heart and break it besides her dad. This show isn't deep lemme not ask for that before they give her a black boyfriend or something and embarrass themselves trying to be anti-woke edgelords.

Wait! I'm forgetting Kendall LITERALLY RAPPED FOR DADDY!!! WHAT THE FUCK. THAT WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN OMG THAT REALLY HAPPENED

-Romey Rome. My baby. Pretty shitty guy, though. Am I a dummy, or does Ro have a different mom? Or is the British lady mum to all the kids? Why did I think he had a different mommy? And what was that shit about a cage... I want to feel bad for Roman, but he's too shitty. I'm super interested in this storyline with him and the old lady, though. I need a full-fledged fucked up romance and I need his heart broken. Put the Golden Globe nominee to work!

-The old one. Why does his prostitute girlfriend have a storyline?...

-Tom. Matt Macfadyen is so funny to me in this role and also I sometimes feel bad for his character. I liked how he helped that kid character once. The bar is low. I genuinely feel bad for him that Shiv doesn't love him like that. But he's subhuman diarrhea trash so who really cares.

-Jess. Give Jess lines! #justiceforjess

-The tall kid. Go away. Give his lines to Jess.

-The dad. What is his name. The dude Brian Cox plays. In the Vanity Fair profile I read, Brian Cox was trying to pitch...like Hamlet or something. With Kieran playing Hamlet and he cast himself as Hamlet's dad or some shit. It probably wasn't Hamlet it was prob some other shit. I don't know plays because I'm not a complete piece of shit. Anyway, Brian is clearly a Kieran stan, and that's all I care about. Also Brian thinks Kieran is like John Barrymore or some shit and that's just...it's really sweet lol

Where does The Succ fall on the HBO scale? Somewhere between Chernobyl (amazing but why is everyone British) and Mrs. Fletcher (a trying to be woke and relevant embarrassment written by some old white dude). Perfectly average with mild to moderate levels of radiation poisoning.

C-plus

Marriage Story (2019)

For years, because I'm messy, I've wanted tea on the dissolution of Noah Baumbach's marriage to Jennifer Jason Leigh. I remember him speaking about her when they first got together and thought he sounded slightly insane. He said something about how when he was a kid he saw her in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and had this feeling like he wanted to save her with his penis or something. Totally paraphrasing. Like decades later, he gets his wish. Except that's weird af because Noah was fantasizing about a character in a movie, no? Not actually Jennifer the human person? Anyway, men are deranged.

Eventually, they divorce. This meant nothing to me initially for various reasons. People divorce all the time. In general, I don't care about either Noah nor Jennifer's personal life. The only time they ever piqued my interest was that one time I read the weird quote from Noah speaking about her and then I never cared again. Later, Jennifer asks for child support or something and I a little bit am piqued but I don't follow up to sip any tea because again, who really cares about this dude and an actor I barely rate. I mean, I like Jennifer in things when I see her, but she is not on my radar like that.

Then! I find out Noah is with Greta Gerwig and I feel immediately scandalized. I actually had no idea until a few weeks ago that Greta had been like Jennifer's personal assistant or some shit! Scandal!!!

And Noah and Greta have like this uber-intimate personal working relationship!!!

But no one talks about it!!!!!!! (From a scandal POV!!!)

It never stood out to me that no one was really gossiping about them because these are very indie under the radar whatever people. They could be more indie/underground. People know them, it's not like they aren't people with backing and industry support and fans and critics who hype them, etc. But they're def not Brad and Angie.

So I didn't really pay it any mind. But now I feel like it's so odd that I'm not getting tea on the relationship between these three people. Maybe their PR requests interviewers aren't to ask about it? I hardly read magazines or newspapers so maybe I just missed it. Plus, I don't follow any of these three creatives like that. Even creatives I do follow and care about I hardly know personal things about them. So maybe there's no conspiracy.

Except there totally is because now we have Marriage Story and I'm reading all these so-called ~reviews~ and not one has tried to speculate and be messy. Not one review is like WHICH CHARACTER IS GRETA SUPPOSED TO BE?!!

Like, come on! And she has a new movie coming out!!!

I'm not the only messy person. I know I'm not. I've read multiple articles about the press playing games on Rudy Giuliani's phone, but zero about which character in this auto-fiction film is supposed to represent Greta Gerwig.

Chile, please!!

So anyway, this damn movie. It was meh to okay. I concluded the whole thing feeling like "This is no Blue Valentine..."

Blue Valentine was all I could think about. Such a good, devastating movie about a relationship falling apart. There are other good ones, and there are even other movies that share the same aesthetic/type of characters featured in Marriage Story, but Blue Valentine was the one I was reminded of the most simply because that movie did its job so well with the subject matter, and this movie...did not.

During the fight scene, what does Jennifer Jason Leigh say to Noah? She's like people said Noah was too selfish to make real art or something like that? I remember when she said that I was like Yes, that is so true! lmao, like...during the movie. While watching this movie I am supposed to be feeling all deep and gutted about, I am agreeing with a character's laceration of the creative behind the work essentially calling him shallow and emotionally devoid.

It's meta? I think. I don't know what meta means, but I know it's not supposed to be done like this smh.

Anyway, Blue Valentine is a far superior film about the breakup of a relationship. Why? Because of the chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. There are other great things about that movie that just make it come together so well including the director and the soundtrack, etc. But it's the chemistry of the leads that really sells it. I need to believe in the relationship in order for me to care that it's dissolving.

I did not believe Noah stand-in and Jennifer stand-in were a real couple. There was zero chemistry.

I did not feel any emotional feelings concerning the events in the film. I was not immersed during the big fight scene. The only thing that got me was the end when Adam was reading the note and choking up, but I think that's just because Adam is a good actor and I love him. That note could've been about anything. He could've been reading off the back of a fucking cereal box.

Notes:
-I liked the scene when the court-appointed child watcher played by my bae Martha from Baskets comes to...watch Noah interact with his kid. When he cut his arm with the knife I loved that and thought Adam did a really good job.
-Celebrated Asian actress Scarjo didn't annoy me with her lack of talent as much as she usually does. That haircut's gotta go, though. It's near Katy Perry levels of bad and confusing. Also her crying is shit. Wait, I actually think she annoyed me as much as usual lmao nvm scrap what I said :)
-Needed WAY MORE Ray Liotta. What if this movie focused on the lawyers instead of Noah and Jennifer. They were way more interesting smh.
-No to the musical numbers
-Greta was clearly the stage manager woman. Or was she a costume designer? Dunno but Noah is not slick!


Film rated T for This is no Blue Valentine

Tag (2018)

A genuinely unlikable film, Tag (2018) stars the non-hot actor who plays actual-hot Don Draper Jon Hamm, Napoleon Dynamite's grandma, Nick from horrendous New Girl, and my bae for no reason, who looks like a cousin of Hey Arnold's from, like, Detroit, Hannibal Buress.

Oh, lmao, and Ed Helms. I completely forgot about him. Does any1 else irrationally hate Ed Helms? Lol. I just do. Like, he blew up from The Hangover, but why? He is not even remotely amusing. He is occasionally on The Office, but only in like a...his character is disturbing and makes me uncomfortable sort of way. Like, he was never as funny as Charles. Not even close.

Oh, also there are some women who are totally irrelevant. Isla Fisher, Rashida Jones, Annabelle Wallis and Leslie Bibb basically play the "baes". Eventho Annabelle Wallis is meant to be a serious reporter, who, for some reason, thinks there is a ~story~ in the fact that Jon Hamm and his douchey piece of shit friends, at their big ass ages, still play tag.

Yes.

This reporter, whom I think they state is like a legit one for like The New York Times or some shit? For real, she meets with Jon Hamm's character who is like some big success or whatever. She's interviewing him and then it's revealed that he and his grown ass friends have been playing a continuous game of tag since they were in middle school or some shit.

For some reason this respectable reporter thinks this is interesting and wants to write about it.

Right.

Maybe I misunderstood and this reporter wasn't actually respectable because wtf, and no.

So in the film, Jeremy Renner's character is like the beast tag guy or whatever. How does tag work again? Oh right you have the tag and then you touch someone and they get it? This is so dumb and these dudes are like fifty.

But Jeremy Renner's character I guess hasn't been tagged since forever. He's the ~champ~.

????

So he's getting married to Leslie Bib. Jon Hamm and them decide to get Jeremy at his wedding cuz he'll be vulnerable I guess idk wtf.

At various points between the premise of the film being established to it being over the following things occur:

-Grown men play tag and this is the whole movie
-Ball cancer or something
-Nick whatever and Jon Hamm vie for Rashida Jones' attention to fill time I guess
-Isla Fisher gets super into the game but is unable to make me forget she's married to Borat and has kids with him
-Some other shit
-A fake miscarriage!
-Hollywood continues to have zero idea wtf to do with Hannibal Buress
-They try to do something deep about their guy friendship. Like Jeremy Renner's character doesn't feel as close to the others because he's the ugliest or something, and Ed helms character has ball cancer I think and is prob gonna die hopefully
-I don't know. Someone gets tagged. Did they,...oh god I'm remembering the end...it was bad, man. Like, legit every1 was just running around the hospital tagging each other after some embarrassing emotional scene where Ed Helms reveals he bout to die
-This movie is, inexplicably, based on a true story. A bunch of old white dudes who've been tagging each other since Civil War Times. There is NO black person in their group smh

This was bad movie. I am not even against the premise. It's a dumb comedy film. I'm not pretentious about comedy by any means. I like prob half of Adam Sandler's pile of junk with mostly no shame. I love Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I still watch Family Guy. And one time I laughed at Cleveland Show. Okay? But this was just...dry. Tired. Tedious. A comedy film shouldn't be like, draining. And if it is draining, at least be interesting. It was dull and DOA. What a strange, meandering film that kept me captivated at zero moments.

What made it worse, for me, was that right before this I had watched Game Night. Which I really loved and Jesse Plemons should have been nominated for an Oscar!! To go from really loving one movie with an equally dumb premise to go to this idk it just made it worse. I also was thinking I'd like Tag because a lot of the people involved have been in things that were funny to me before. The only person involved who turned me off was Ed Helms. But really, I should have really thought about this. What about this random mixture of people and ideas did I think would work? Idk. I mostly have liked all the people before so foolishly thought this would be fine. Everything would be fine and it'd work. Why? Hollywood should be punished for these mistakes. We as the audience are tortured and nothing happens to our torturers. They just keep on torturing. No one has made enough of a stink about how bad this film is. No one has paid. Only me, and everyone else who has seen it. Don't pretend you liked Tag. Stop. It's Stockholm Syndrome. Or you don't want to admit you were PLAYED FOR A FOOL. These people need to be held accountable! Hold them accountable!! Stop the madness!!

The Mountain Betwixt Us (2017)

I really thought I was going to hate this. Not because I had read any reviews. I am only just now seeing it has a 39% Rotten Tomatoes score lmao. But critics don't matter. They hate all kinds of shit that is great. Didn't critics hate Mommie Dearest? It's literally the greatest film that has ever existed. They know naught.

But I def judged this movie hella hard pre-watch. The first time I saw a trailer I started laughing. It just looked instantly hilarious. However, this is not, like, a Farrelly Brothers film. They were clearly going for drama and romance or something. Should I be cracking up instantly at the sight of Idris Elba in the most GQ of winter gear pretending he wants to save Kate Winslet's life?

Absolutely.

Casting directors and assorted Hollywood People are comically out of touch. Like, who is asking for an Idris Elba and K8 Winslet pair-up? Literally no one lmao. Like, zero humans. Not even dogs or porpoises want this.

So right away I think this movie will be horrific before even seeing it.

After actually having finally watched it...I still mostly feel the same way lol. Though, I did think it'd be harder to watch and more gut-busting than it actually turned out to be. This movie was pretty much medium. K8 and Dj Driz have average to below average chemistry. The surviving-the-elements aspect of the film is sometimes interesting. I love mountain shit and snow and tingz. This could've been much worse. But why every movie do I have absolutely negative a thousand expectations? Sad, and alarming!

:')

So the movie starts super-interestingly at an airport. Kate Winslet is trying to go to Colorado, I think? And so is Idris. Something's the matter. I think the flight was overbooked or already took off? Idk. It was so boring. Two characters trying to catch a plane is non-interesting because we don't know them yet to care. They DID provide us with a bit of information concerning where Idris had to go. He was on his way to do surgery on a TEN YEAR OLD BOY! Did you catch that? So, it's imperative Insert Airline get Idris on a plane, so he can crack into some kid's skull and save his life!!

Not totally sure what Insert Airline is meant to do about the kid Idris is doing surgery on. A booked plane is a booked plane, no?

Yes.

So neither Dj Driz or Kate are able to make their flight possibly to Denver.

Kate, white, was being nosy and overheard Idris' dealings with the airline concierge front desk person or whatever.

She understands she and him have the same ~problem~.

But she has an IDEA!!

What's Kate's crafty life-hack??

Well, they'll charter a private plane. Or...a...idk what the name is. It's some small plane. Idk things. But Kate takes them to this plane area with a tiny plane that Jeff Bridges' dad or brother or whatever drives. I was either not paying attention or the movie was boring and annoying or both but it wasn't clear to me how Kate knew Beau Bridges nor this ~alternative~ way for her and Stranger Surgeon Man to get to their destination.

But alas, they board.

It was so funny in the plane. I forget everything I thought was funny. But one was that Kate was being really annoying asking Idris mad questions. So there was a bit of back and forth. Nothing extreme. They're being relatively cordial and polite strangers or whatever, but you know from the trailers they're meant to do a romance later so they were doing some Cary Grant and Female Co-Star little thing I guess. Except if it was Cary it would be more charming or something? Idris's character was wooden and DOA. Though it's not a critique of his acting. His character is a secretly haunted SURGEON, annoyed by some random stranger white bitch. So it was an apropos response.

The other funny thing in the plane was Beau Bridges. I remember cracking up because his character, the pilot, was turned around talking to Idris and Kate in the back instead of paying attention to the sky road ahead lmao. I was like lol turn around. So he finally turns around, then immediately begins having a stroke. OF COURSE! Lmao Idris notices first and is like Um, sis, r u okay? He is not. Idris, doctor person, starts trying to ~help~ Beau, but if I'm in some tiny plane and the pilot starts stroking out, I'm, with such a fucking rage and ferocity, pushing his dumb ass out the way so I can begin to steer lol. Like.

Pretty quickly the plane is crashing. Oh, also, a storm was brewing ahead. So I guess that played a part as well. The crash was vaguely interesting to watch from inside the plane. It was largely hilarious. The back of the plane coming off was funnier to me than it needed to be? I think it was Kate's reaction. She was also really concerned about the dog in the plane and how she was grabbing its collar trying to hold onto it omg. Oh, yeah, there's a dog. The pilot's. Just in case us, the audience, doesn't care about the fate of Idris and Kate. A dog. But what if we don't care about dogs, either? Where's the cat? This is BULLSHIT!

So the plane crashes. Idris wakes up and sees he's alive. Cool. He doesn't seem to be injured. Cool cool. Beau is dead. Killed off almost as fast as he was on Blackish. Kate is alive but hurt. She wakes up a bit later after Idris has figured out fire and counted his almonds I guess. So there's a lot of scenes of them like being cold and vaguely wondering when they'll be rescued. A beacon is mentioned a couple of times. I have no fucking idea what that is. I guess it's a part of the plane the...someone can use to track where they are? Idris seems to be putting his faith into it. Like because of THE BEACON, someone will come for them. Kate is different. She is the ~reckless~ ~selfish~ war photographer or whatever she does. Idris is more straitlaced and a total SQUARE! He wants to stay and wait. Kate wants to go..

But I'm like, bitch, go where?

Like, at one point Idris goes to the top of a peak to see if there are any nearby roads and it's just like......so much mountain shit. Lmao, it was literally hilarious how alone it looked like they were.

But Kate wants to GO. Never mind the fact that she has a fucked up leg and can barely walk. She was being the utmost white bitch. And she literally ABANDONS Idris when he refuses to leave. Lol like he literally stayed weeks with her invalid behind taking care of her, collecting her pee and shit and she just fucks off the second he calls her selfish.

To be fair, it didn't seem like the best idea for them to stay. There's only so much cougar meat.

Oh, there was a cougar.

So I got my cat

:(

So Kate and her dummy leg leave Idris. I'm glad that they had her character at least leave him a note because until then I was like oh hell no. Like, if y'all want me to get into this romance later, this is NAUGHT the way to do it smh.

So after Idris throws a tantrum or whatever he goes after Kate. On his way to find her, he runs into the beacon. Again, I have no idea wtf this is. But something inside it is broke? Cuz duh plane crash. Idris' expression indicates that he shouldn't have been relying on whatever it does all this time. Off to find Kate.

We see that Kate is bout to die by the time Idris catches up to her. She's slowing down and blah once they catch up something about Idris pushes Kate to continue.

So they do a bunch of walking and shit. Then they find a cave. It's a nice cave. Cave.

Then Kate uses her camera and sees some shit. A flashy thing. She thinks its something, so her and him walk towards the flash thing.

Oh, did I ever say the dog is okay? Lmao. The dog is okay and with them the whole time. But I'm wondering why it was okay to kill the cougar but we s'posed to be worrying bout some damn dog. Fuck the patriarchy!!

So prob more walking after cave. I think they go to where Kate saw the flashy thing and see there's some gushing body of water that will definitely kill them if they go down and try to cross or whatever. Idris is like let's go back and find another way around, Kate says something like No? I think? Idk. I think they try to rest. Then the dog is off somewhere, Idris goes after it and discovers a cabin. Yay! But also I was wondering how that cabin got there. WHY it was there. There are like no stores around who even lives there. It's in the middle of a nowhere fucking mountain forest. To be fair, the cabin is super rundown. But someone at some point lived there. I mean, there were couches inside... How? Why? How did they get the couches up the mountain? I saw zero roads or anything. Maybe by helicopter? But why???? But, as I've stated before, I know literally nothing, so I could only question the existence of this cabin so much. More so, I should've focused my energy on questioning the existence of this film, and the people who thought to make it.

Right!

Oh.

So of course.

Dj Driz is happy cuz cabin. But of course while he is stumbling upon some choice shelter for them and the dog, ole girl is off falling into ice water. Duh.

So Idris saves her and he gets her to the cabin to warm her up and tings.

The writers of the film realize at this point that they have pretty much wasted the fact that Idris' character is a doctor. You could tell they wrote it like See, there's a black guy, right? And he's a DOCTOR! And every1 in the mountain between us committee gasp with awe and being so impressed. And then they basically never bring up either of those things again in the film. To be fair! Idris uses his doctor stuff to create a cast for Kate's leg earlier in the film. And prob he did other random doctor stuff, but because I don't even remember, that's bad.

At the cabin is when the writers are like: He can do some doctor shit here!!!!!

Kate isn't waking up after falling into the ice water hole. Something about dehydrated and Idris prob warmed her up "too fast" (what).

So I guess Idris makes her an IV. It wasn't...clear. He cleans a needle off that's supposed to be used for snake bites and he jams it into Kate's arm. They don't show him doing anything else with this needle lol like I have no idea what he was doing. I just assumed he was doing a makeshift IV. But know this: They do not make that clear. It's just too obvious they wanted to quickly have this character do his doctor thing again real quick. In case we forgot!!!

Idris plays on a random piano in the cabin, and then Kate awakens!

Yay!

Just kidding. Medium yay. Isn't Kate first billed? If not, she's at least second billed. She's obvi not bout to die when the movie isn't about to be over yet smh.

So she wakes. And then they fuck!!

Idk if I'm immature..........

I am.

But the sex scene was awkward.

Thank god, it was over pretty quick lmao.

Then I think Kate tries to get in Idris' business concerning his wife. She was instantly WAY in the beginning tryna get all in his business about his wife and personal life. Asking mad questions and going through his bag and listening to recordings on this recorder thing he had. We find out that Idris used to be happily married. Then his wife got a brain tumor or something. Idris, a neurosurgeon, tries to save her. Tragically by screenwriting standards, he is unable. She dies.

He is sad.

Kate also has a little thing going on. She's engaged to some guy. I think he's named Mark. Oh, actually, she was on her way to her wedding in the beginning of the film, so that explains why she was in such a...rush.

K.

So they leave the cabin eventually. And they find signs of human life!!!!! They see like a work site or something, but something happened that was unclear to me. They showed like this line of demarcation, but I couldn't tell if it maybe was an electric fence or something? Why did they look despondent when they saw there were people? Were they lowkey sad they were going to have to go back to ~real life~. You know guys, I think this movie might just be too DEEP for me!!!

Anyway, of course, as they are about to go down and get help, Kate is like WHERE IS DOG.

Idris goes to find him and, natch, gets caught in a bear trap.

Racist!!

Kate is unable to get it off him, so she fucks off by herself to get help.

Fast-forward to Dj Drizza in the hospital!

He is alive and safe!

A nubian king!!!

He gets up at the hospital to go see his bae Kate. It's mad awkward. Then Kate's bae (played by Dermot Mulroney! lmao) comes in. Lol, so awkward.

Literally, Idris has tears in his eyes.

I was cracking up. Just kidding I'm being fake I felt lowkey sad.

So eventch they are released from hospital and they are able to go back to their lives. Kate is at a party with her shitty friends and doesn't seem to want to mingle. She dramatically goes inside to her kitchen during the party to contemplate by herself like a lonely loser. Across the pond, Dj Driz is back to doing doctor stuff. He has dog now. He falls asleep on the floor of his fancy flat. ALONE! (with the dog)

We are to surmise they are both sad and stuff.

Cuz PTSD.

Eventch, Kate reaches out to Driz. She sends him photos of their time spent together trying not to die in the mountains.

He travels to NY? Or she to London? Wasn't clear, or I'm dumb. But they eventually meet up. Kate implies Dj Driz has not been answering the phone. He says it's cuz she's married. Um, bro, y'all can't be friends? You share trauma. This isn't just about your goofy romance smh.

But what's weird is that...the movie makes it about that.........

Their frankly idiotic convo is about their romantic connection. Which prob isn't even a romantic connection. Y'all was trapped together for weeks tryna survive. You're bonded from that.

Kate says, though, that they survived because they ~fell in love~.

Okay.

But also she implies it'd be impossible for them to date now. Because there's trapped on a mountain world, and there's the real world, and neither the twain shall meet.

Or?

Like?

Why not? lol...

It was weird how dramatic they were being.

Like, Kate broke up with her man.

So at the meet-up, they are both single.

Literally nothing in the world is holding them back.

There is absolutely zero conflict.

If you wish, you two can begin dating ~in the real word~ and see if what you have is the real deal, and not just, you know, the fact that both of you share the same traumatic experience.

But in the movie, basically Kate is like WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER. And runs off from the restaurant they're in.

But then two seconds later, she turns around and runs back. And so does Idris.

Then Zayn and Sia's "Dusk Till Dawn" plays, which immediately made me forget everything bad about the ending, and also all the rest of the movie, and I was like awwww. Bestfriends and boyfriends :')

Anyway, don't ever make this movie again.

Just kidding, can I get a remake with Timothy Chalabae and Bill Skarsgaard. Y'all do a remake every damn day so don't act like it's a no smh

But yeah anyway when is Idris gonna be Bond? Tired of the foolishness. If you can pretend to want to keep Kate Winslet alive, you can certainly play a white trash, misogynistic spy! I mean honestly!

Stranger Tingz

So I ignored Stranger Things for a million years because it looked like some cheesy ass Spielberg shit. But like, worse, because clearly the Duff Bros are fans of that type of production. So, like, an imitation of cheese.

And Stranger Things is definitely that. But that's only one part of it and I was being a basic bitch for judging it without watching first. But look, there's so much shit. I can't watch all the shit just to see if it's not shit. I used to just watch everything but that was when there wasn't so much shit. Now, I need to be more selective concerning what I decide to give my energy to. I can't just be watching any old thing. Especially if it's on Netflix, which is basically Lifetime meets Spike now. There's just...so much garbage. But some good things.

Anyway, I'm definitely an ominous mirror creature from The Upside Down.

And I love this show. I don't know why I decided to stop hating and start watching. Oh, I little bit remember. I FINALLY watched IT. Lmao, that movie came out like two years ago smh. But I finally watched it, and I thought it was cute. Was it scary or even good? No, and a little bit. But I loved the little kids (in a mostly non-creepy way) and their little crew and things. So after I watched, I was in the mood for more little kids.

This is weird.

Anyway, cuz Finn was in IT I did an equation and it equaled to watching Stranger Things. To see more little kids.

:(

So, despite everything, I immediately fell in love. I binged all three seasons in like three days. So what did I like?

-Eleven, obvi.
Um, she's adorable, whether she's hairless and homeless or she's hairful and has some weird dad and they live in a creepy, abandoned cabin. WAIT! Okay. So, with the child things I try to ignore STUFF. I'll be like "Ur projecting" to myself, to not feel weird. But on this show they def have Eleven interacting with various older men and I'm like euhhhh... Omg like, Matthew Modine cradling her head in his hands? CRINGE. And like, the whole thing with Fat Rambo as her daddy. Smh, he is too thick for me to be ignoring what is clearly some sort of sexual tension. BUT MAYBE I'M JUST BEING WEIRD. Yes, that's it. And I'm totally going to ignore her final interactions with Billy cuz he, like, always had his shirt off and he had some weird curly mohawk, so, he doesn't count and everything's fine!!

But anyway, I love Eleven and give me more Eleven and like...less scenes with other ppl. No I'm just kidding, because remember in season 2 when she had a whole episode to herself? Really, the show made it weird by having her join up with The fucking Warriors or some shit and go full emo. Also the thing with her mom was like weirdly corny. Though the actress plays comatose pretty gr8, i guess.

There's so much shit smh what else did I like. Wait, imma just talk about all the characters til I get bored and want to die.

So next is!!! Idk..

-Mike?
So Finn Wolfhard, the first thing I see him in is It, and I hated him instantly. His character was so annoying in that omfg. I was all like THIS is the guy?? Then I realized I have no idea what the buzzing around Finn even is, if there is any at all. There prob is. Is he like a dawkier Tim Chalamay??? Calling it. Anyway, Mike is so cute and awkward. Whoa, hold on lol. Anyway, Mike + Eleven forever. I was so annoyed in season 2 when they kept them away from each other so long. Like what do you think I'm here for, Stranger Things? Def not to be playing these types of games, that's for damn sure! What else about Mike? Is he relevant to me outside of his baeship with 11? No!

-Caleb, whose name is not that on the show. Lemme go see wtf his name is smh. Lucas!!
So close! smh. So he's The Black One~. He's a cutie and I have nothing to say about him because he is not one of the young twinks on the show that I stan lol. I was cringing when they was a little bit giving him a storyline and it was a racism one. Then I either stopped caring, or cringed more when I realized it was really more a Billy/Max storyline than a Lucas one... Anyway, here's to maybe more stuff for Lucas to do in season 4...where they will prob focus more on what Joyce and them are doing in the new place and some annoying Russian shit (hopefully not!!). But maybe Lucas will join ISIS or start waxing poetic about Crystal Pepsi or something and he'll get some dope monologues :(

-Will
#willhive, weakly stand up with your frail, spiritually drained bodies. Did I care about William in season 1? No. He was an abstract character, at best. I almost feel like they should have given us a bit more screentime with him in the beginning, then had him sucked up by The Upside Down so we could be like OMG WHERE IS WILL. Like, I def cared more about Barb getting sucked away because we had time to get to know her a bit. We're like Nooo Barb. I think I mostly cared about Will being gone because his fam and friends were going so hard for him, but not because I felt affection for his character. But I guess over time cuz ppl kept yelling for him to come back I started getting into it. Like, Will, cum back.. Don't die in the mirror world shadow realm or whatever (me during s1). When they gave us ~rescued~ Will in season 2, it was a totally different ballgame. The actor, Noah Schnapp, was giving me cute and giving me creepy and it's all I require. He would be zoning out into the upside down having his nightmare experiences all the while looking like a demented lil bird. It was not something I knew I needed until the lil sis gave it to me. Instantly, I was hooked. S3, was a bit of a letdown for me as a Will stan because his only storyline was that he is asexual or some shit and doesn't want to kiss on some bitches, he wants to play dungeons and dragons or some geek shit. :( Did Mike really fix his beak to chirp @ Will that it's not his "fault" that Will doesn't like girls? Sis, chill. Eleven is weird as fuck and you not even gettin' your dick wet. You're doing the absolute damn most for having ONE girlfriend! But that's how these thirsties be acting when they finally get a lil taste. Smh, hang in there Will. Maybe next seaz the show will give you some robot girl to kiss on or something. I stand with you :')

-Dusty
Yikes. So annoying! :")
Lmao, he's okay. But mostly annoying. Omg remember in s2 when he kept doing that growling cuz he got new teeth? Please!!!!! I was dying that all the little twinks (cept freak Will) got a girl but not Miss Dusty lmao. Then s3 he was telling every1 he got a genius Phoebe Cates and everyone was like sure, jan. When they showed Suzy I was sincerely expecting a bitch badder than Phoebe Cates. Lmao, but that's obviously impossible, and what the show gave us was some geek chick even geekier than Dustybuns. The worst shit I have ever seen was when they were singing that song. And ole girl was really tryna give us a vocal on some Glee shit. Suzy's cancelled forever for that. And anyway, endgame longterm otp is CLEARLY Dusty and Erica. It's been established.

But w8. So. Why did s3 start with the kids not even fucking with Dustin lowkey? They were barely checking for him. And the show is trying to give us Dusty/Steve. Dingus Crimefighters or some shit. I mean, I guess??

Who else? lmao

-Joyce
Most good, Roland. I have a soft spot in my heart for Winona? Why? idk. Maybe bcuz she looks like a frail bird. She just has a very bird-like, twitchy energy. Like she's constantly trembling from cold, and nerves. Winona is like female Kinu to me. Her acting might be slightly less bad, but it's similar amount of nostalgia meets "has aged moderately well, considering their whiteness". Kiki barely counts thought for being vaguely Asian. Def cheating. Winona is full chalk, so props. I also like her character, even though sum1 clearly shoulda called CPS on this woman back in season 1... And that's not even me being shady, but both Jonathan and Will look malnourished and like they would do a school shooting so maybe sum1 needs to intervene...

Do I ship her with Fat Rambo? Yes, because the show wants me to.

-Fat Rambo
I'm refusing to know his name. Is it...Kilgor? No..uhhh James? Idk. I am calling him Fat Rambo from now on. I accept him as a character, but him being Eleven's dad is def weird. Any scene with him yelling @ her like a crazy person produces a side-eye from me. But it's really none of my business. I wanted to accept that he died but this corny ass show needs to stop playing games. CLEARLY when you don't show the body the person is still alive!! Tired of these hoes. But I'm alright with it, I guess. Don't know if I need more Russian Baddies. But they're doing their little references, so fine.

-Nancy
So, at first, I was like.....................................WHY do we have scenes with Nancy. Remember b4 they snatched Barb and she was going on her little dates with Steve and it was all cheesy. I wasn't even rolling my eyes I was literally flummoxed like why do we have these scenes with Mike's sister.. Then they snatched Barb and Nancy gets a purpose. Thank god, cuz jesus. Nancy's a bad friend, and Steve is not even cute like that. Like he's cute, but not like that. How do I feel overall about Nance? I was just glad they forced trauma onto her and she got to stop being criminally basic because it was too much cringe for me.

-Jonathan
I remember seeing photos of Charlie Heaton before watching the show and being like what is going on why does he look like that. Because I'm dark sided, and a rude dude. But watching the show, I'm into it. He's giving you, like, Icelandic River Phoenix or something. Also, just looked up the actor and he's an #Aquarius like me so now, for totally superficial reasons, I will stan him. I like his character with pretty much zero reservations. He has a calming sort of vibe, especially compared to all the drama constantly going on, and the fact that he comes from a twitchy, freak family.

But does Stranger Things expect me to gloss over him creepily photographing Nancy undressing in the early days of season 1? Like, bitch, that's weird. You're not just some misunderstood eccentric or whatever. You're a creep, who's possibly engaged in criminal behavior lmao. Like....... And not only that, Jonathan is the LAST person to see Barb alive and NO ONE suspects he murdered her. Of course, he didn't. But like, is this what they call a plothole? Why would no1 suspect him? Is it cuz he's a dwight? I don't think all white ppl get a pass. Jonathan is giving you the vibe of that kid ppl accuse of engaging in satanism lmao like irl he would def be questioned. But suspension of disbelief I guess!!

I do like his baeship with Nancy. They are CUTE. Periodt! And the actors d8 in real life, I think? I know it's like superficial and immature but it's just cute when baes in a thing d8 in real life even though fictional characters have nothing to do with the real life ppl they play :') But chemistry is chemistry and I like when it's there and leave me alone! :(

-Max
Loved Max right away. DID NOT want there to be some terrible love triangle betwixt her, Mike, and El. I h8 a love triangle, it gives me anxiety. They a little bit ran my nerves up by having Eleven creep on Mike and Max ~having a moment~ and I was like, please. I'm glad they dumped Max off on Lucas lmao. They don't even show these two doing kisses, and YOU KNOW Max is fast, because she correctly identified the screaming coming from Billy's room as "happy screams". Ma'am, please. But is it offensive that The Black One gets THIS THOT over sum1 more chaste and respectable? Lmao, I'm totally mostly joking.

But anyway, Sadie Sink, is like, BEYOND adorable. Where do they find these freakin kids? Literally all of them are cute. Even mostly sometimes Dusty.

I'm so tired, please make it stop. Who else?

-Steve
The hair. I guess. He's funny. The show is forcing his relevance for ~comic relief~?

-Billy
Remember when they tried to give us Billy's tragic backstory and no1 cared? Lmao

-Barb
Why did Fat Rambo do the absolute most to resuscitate Will but just glanced at Barb and kept it moving? Lmao. How did they for sure know she was dead? Barb had zero advocates. Fat Rambo and Joyce saw Will, who looked dead, and were like NOT ON MY WATCH. But all Barb gets is frowny face aw so sad okay now let's rescue kid of main character. Does hating ass friend of secondary character not warrant even one CPR chest pump?! Like, damn!

-Paul Reiser
Not his character's name, I don't think. But anyway, he's a zaddy. So I appreciate the show for having this particular zaddy in various episodes.

-Bob
Sean Astin is not as much of a zaddy. Quite zaftig. Looks exactly like Patty Duke. More cutesy, teddy bearish, than zaddyish. Still good. But barely, because like 70% of season 2 I thought it was gonna turn out that Bob was a child molester smh. I guess this is not...that type of show. (sure). When they k*lled Bob I was genuinely like wtf. It was so sad :( Or as sad as a guest-star, non main character's death can be :( Which is barely, but achieving even bare minimum concern from your audience for a character who barely matters is still an achievement!

Who else? I'm tired

Suggestions for the Duff Bros for future seasons:
-More Erica
-More of black hospital attendant person with attitude
-More black people with attitudes. It's not offensive it is much needed to even out the oft times overly schmaltzy, cheesy bs
-Don't make the lesbian fall in love with Steve that's not how lesbianism works. Unless you guys are going for a Bi Lives Matter story, then I feel very sorry for you. But yes, please do it.
-Stop secretly trying to mkultra us with strobe lights!!!!
-Less hand-holding, but at the same time more. I know you know what I mean.
-Eleven gets cornrolls
-Give Mike's mom and his little sister more lines.
-I'm totally joking about that last one lmao please stop :')