Almost Christmas (2016)

Thank god for Mo'Nique. This is a Mo'Nique stan blog. I wish instead of doing podcasts dragging everyone in Hollywood with her beard or manager or husband or whatever, she was, instead, being cast in every movie and TV show. With the recent public draggings of mad terrible white Hollywood dudes, I am thinking we're getting a Hollywood 2.0 pretty soon. Especially with streaming taking over, and people doing their own thing on youtube, etc, things are changing, and for the better, imo. So I am hoping this whole system where it's like...if you ~burn your bridges~ (allow yourself to be humiliated and mistreated) you don't get work, is eradicated. I understand this is how the world works as a whole, but that's bullshit. But I am biased because I am a burn your bridges type. I just feel if you're talented/skilled whatever, you should get work in your chosen field, because you can do your job well. Stop pretending that being an ~appropriate social person~ matters more than it really does. As long as you not turning up when work time comes, you should be employable. How the hell do you get blacklisted because you don't kiss someone like Lee Daniels' sus ass all the live long day? Lee Daniels. Everything must be torn down. I need Mo'Nique in everything I watch. I need her in The Sopranos, and Boy Meets World, and Entourage and Titanic and Fast & Furious 1000 (no Tyrese again, you guys!): Wheelchairs on the Moon and etc etc, like let's go!! This is the world we need to live in. Mo'Nique in On the Waterfront and fuckin' uh The Grapes of Wrath and shit. That's what I and everybody needs. It will cure all ails.

Anyway, I know at some point I will regret stanning 4 Mo'Nique cuz she seem like a pick me type. Like the auntie who tells you to put clothes on cuz one of your rapey uncles is coming through. Shit the rapey uncle might even be her own dude. Maybe Mo'Nique is not like this, but probably she is. As long as she keep that shit on lock and key we gon' be good!! 

But anyway lol Mo'Nique was a breath of fresh air here and really lit this movie up. So funny. This, Almost Christmas, was primarily your sort of run of the mill holiday family movie, but with black people. I def want more holiday movies with black people. Let's make that a nice, meaty genre. I can only think of like two movies right now besides this one, and one of them has Chris Brown... So far the only movie I'd rewatch around Christmas-time is this one, so give me more, okay, so I have a lot of stuff to watch I really love the Christmas season but I need more holiday movies with the negroes, mkkay. Mmkay.

I don't like Danny Glover. lol, just...I just don't. But here he plays the patriarch of a family that has four kids, with some spouses and grandkids. Recently the matriarch has died, so it's all sad and shit. The four kids are played by...Romany Malco (barely cared about him), Kimberly Elise who is a doctor or something, Gabrielle Union who is a broke divorcée studying for a law degree, and some dude named Jesse T. Usher who plays the baby of the family, in college for basketball and addicted to pills something something a knee injury or whatever.

Romany's storyline is he is a politician and I am like gurl deleet his character - not needed. He's married to Nicole Ari Parker and has some kids so at least they bring a little something. It was funny @ dinner with the Jasmine reveal when their son was acting desperate for those pics lol and when JB Smoove asked Nicole to help him and she turned her head. Pure comedy gold that whole scene so at least they brought something but not Romany who used to be my bae on Weeds but idk now. 

Kimberly's storyline is her husband, played by JB Smoove for some reason, is a dog. He smashes Keri Hilson (she is so pretty) and blah blah. But yo, why was Kimberly's character so rude to Gabby's??? She was going in on her for being broke and divorced and not having her law degree yet. Um, rude?? lol was I missing something like why was she dragging her sister so much?? Like chill, bitch, that's why you married to JB Smoove and he smashing honeys @ the fuckin' supermarket like cum on. 

Gabby's storyline is she is broke af tryna get that law degree (her negative ass 300 something dollar balance had me ROLLING, but that shit was triggering lol) but she's one of those I don't need any help types. Let's agree to disagree lol. Also she has something going on with Omar Epps' character who she used to be friends with in high school and apparently he dissed her for prom?? Or she thought he did but didn't really? Iono, but this aint Love & Basketball days, so Omar's bloated ass needs to chill thinking he on Gabby's level. More and more people need to start finding whom they are equally yoked with so chaos can stop reigning, like I am TIRED! Do you hear me?!?!

Nah, lemme stop lol but the baby like I said is a doper and does b-ball. Also he's friends with some lil dude who keeps pushing up on Mo'Nique, and apparently she has vibrators older than him. That seems unhygienic and now I am concerned for her vagina. Upgrade, perhaps? You aint getting checks from Chaka and Stevie's blind ass?? lol cum on now.

All these storylines get a küte little wrap-up (I guess). Gab's was prob the best cuz she got $20k, but maybe it was the worst cuz she also gotta smash Omar. I guess that's the universe balancing shit out for ya. Tis what tis.

Anyway this movie was cute for what it was. I thought the comedy aspect was better than a lot of black sort of family centered dramedy type things I've seen. This coulda been extra-regular without the comedy. But I def really liked this and was cracking up multiple times. But let's talk about: 1. Kimberly Elise is a legit actress and please put her in significant properties lol no shade but it's getting ridiculous like I saw this bitch playing a fucking bus driver in Dope. More like Nope! Get her some good shit to do, please!! 

2. Gabrielle Union is someone whom I see as a limited actor, however she has a ~quality~ that makes me want to watch her. I want her in more movies. Thank you!!

3. Again, put Mo'Nique in everything I will not repeat myself.

4. Put Nicole & Keri's liteskinted asses in more shit, too - stop playing games!!! 

I don't care about any of the dudes lol. Maybe the kid who played Romany's son? Put him as a friend on Blackish or something. Also make more of these holiday movies. Make a Thanksgiving one, or a Kwanzaa one or some sit. Shh, I know, no one celebrates that shit, just pretend okay??? Like, all those white ensemble movies like Valentines Day and stuff? Do them with just an all black cast??? And then like one not-black. Like Keanu Reeves for no reason. Or like, all those shitty rom-coms that was coming out for a minute? Reblack them. How 2 Lose a Guy in 10 Days has a lot more ratchet potential then they allowed Goldie Hawn's daughter to portray onscreen. Do that movie with Gabby and it would be lit. Plus she seems really bitchy so I would buy it more. You know what I mean. Put me in charge of New Hollywood so I can blow everyone's asses apart with my amazing ideas, thank you.

-

Almost Christmas

Vice Principals

I don't remember either of the main characters' names, but this is my show right here lol. I binged all the episodes they had up on HBO and I am UHBSESSED. I love this show. But apparently this current season it's on is the last one? UM, WHY??? I am distraught! Though I can kinda see how this terribleness would be hard to uphold season to season, but didn't they do this ratchet mess for @ least four seasons with Eastbound & Down?? And that show was way worse lol, cum on! I wonder if it's cancelled or are the creators just deciding to wrap it up ~neatly~?? Either way: ANNOYED! But I am hoping Danny and his bae Jody have some sort of deal with HBO and will keep making questionable, ratchet ass shows for my utmost and thorough amusement. I love this type of comedy it makes me so happy, but I honestly and truly wish someone would please help me :')

So Danny plays some dude named...Roy? Smh, who is a vice-principal at some high school in I think South Carolina. Wait...so it was revealed his character doesn't have like...a college degree?? Or he got it off the interwebz? Lol idk if that was just for comedy or what but like, do you not need a college degree to be a VP? Because, honestly? That explains so much. Like, I am just looking back at vice principals I've had at schools lol and legit that answers so many questions I have had over the years. So I thank this show for answering them, however the trauma remains :') 

But anyway, Roy? is a VP who is all hype because the principal is going on leave/quitting to take care of his wife dying from melanoma. Funny stuff. There's another VP played by Walton Goggins (is he a human or a burned reanimated mannequin from the eighties??) who is also hype for Bill Murray to go away so he can become VP. "Roy" and Pigface start off as enemies because of their mutual goal to become principal and also they are just complete opposites, only sharing in common complete and utter horribleness as human beings. They only join forces when a new principal is appointed to the school and they do a whole my enemy's enemy is my friend thing, and join forces to take down the new principal, a black woman by the name of Brown.

Is it just me, or is it so loaded that these two white dudes are going so hard for this black lady? I can't tell if the show makers are aware or tone deaf. I think aware lol I hope, but I be like damn these white boys are hating hard. But I kind of like this show for not holding back even with ~loaded~ subject matter, but like, this show is insane and the characters are horrific, especially Pigface lol he is literally some bumfuck versh of American Psycho and I'm gagging. 

I loved in the first season the dynamic between "Roy", Pigface and Brown. It was LIT. BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN SHE WALKED IN ON PIGFACE SPITTING IN HER COFFEE??? BITCH!!! This show has me fucking crying and gagging like, WHAT?? AND SHE NEVER DID ANYTHING?? YO, THESE NIGGAS BURNED HER HOUSE DOWN!! I'M SORRY BUT THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS WHY AM I APOLOGIZING IDK!! But I lovvvvvved their dynamic, but now in season 2 she's gone?? Um, I guess?? Like Brown was #beastmode lol, and I liked her character and her kids, but fine I will deal because honestly Pigface as principal is iconic. He's already fired damn near all the teachers and I just love him in this super-vunerable position where everyone hates him :') 

But who thinks it was black dude who shot "Roy"???? I am trying to figure out his motive. Maybe he has a crush on that white teacher??? But I am like so sure he did it lol. To me the most obvious answer is Pigface, but that's too obvious but remember his ass like that arson lol so idk. I think it's black cafeteria worker dude. Am I okay that that's bae? Like am I okay inside of myself if I say that's bae? No. I know. Let's move on. But I think I'm right but idk, we'll see. But the motive of the white bitch doesn't really make all the way sense. Like why burn Pigface's car, too??? Idk. But also it doesn't make sense that Brown would just let all that shit go. And we know and saw that just because she tattoo some shit on her back, don't mean she actually left it behind lol so...we'll see.  

Anyway this show is so funny and I love it and plz don't end it smh lemme try to think of some funny moments I loved for no reason plz cancel this blog instead of the show thanx

-everything with "Roy" concerning his daughter is funny. It's kinda sweet too lol that he cares so much to keep her attention and remain the #1 male bae in her life, but he is ridiculous. I love when he conceded defeat @ one point to the stepdad and was acting like his daughter was his gf he had lost to a hotter, richer dude or something. That sounds...worse than how it...well, idk lol. But that was funny. Talking about he over her. And pleaz kill me when he was directing her about going hard on that horse, and the owner of the stables walked over and was like "What are you telling her to do?". PLEEEEEEEEAzz kill meeeeEEEEE!!!!!!! 

-the two times "Roy"''s family surprised him and he threw that laptop bag. Both times it was mad delayed...I am so dumb but that shit was so...so fucking funny

-that wheelchair teacher and his shitty second satirical rendering of Pigface...everyone was all disappointed and underwhelmed plz i have no idea why but it was so funny omg and dead @ him taking it as constructive criticism all seriously plzzzzzzzzzz but I can't wait til his next drawing OMG I AM JUST REMEMBERING PIGFACE TRIED TO BREAK HIS FINGERS LOL I AM THROWING UP @ HIM FAILING OMFFFGNGJFMF I hate this show but it is my favorite show? It's my favorite show now, so. 

-that girl-child singing in the first ep and "Roy" cutting her off to yell @ two kids talking in the audience and telling them they were being rude and ruining the tribute to the principal

-when housekeeping came in Roy's room when they went on that field trip

-WHEN BROWN'S EX-HUBBY SHOWED UP AND THEY HAD THAT WHOLE SCENE IN THE AUDITORIUM AND EVERYONE STARTED CLAPPING AND PEOPLE WERE ASKING "WHY R WE CLAPPING?" AND THAT ONE SHOT OF THAT EXTRA LIKE WEAKLY CLAPPING AND LOOKING LIKE WTF... plz, all of that.

-when Brown's ~Will Smith doppelgänger~ child mouthed "Bitch" to that flappy-titties breastfeeding principal from the rival school 

-Everything with the drama teacher. Loved when Pigface called him a cunt (he is my spirit and my seoul) and the drama teacher got all triggered. Everything with him, but more importantly, everything concerning anyone with whom Pigface's interacts <3 :')

-that hippie English teacher's epic draggings

-"Roy" being mean to Swift

-Pigface TELLING HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW TO PUT HIS BAGS IN THE CAR!!!!!

-when that cafeteria worker dude saw Roy and Pigface coming out of the woods lol and then later him asking Roy about it and Roy getting mad and telling him to stop asking about him fucking men in the woods

-in that weird group therapy detention when that boy admitted it made him upset that dude was dating his ex lol it was all dramatic I hate this show plz make it have twenty seasons :(

But look, at the end of the day, is Danny McBride a quadroon? He looks like my grandpa, someone needs to look into that. Why does he need a relaxer to play this "white" character, huh?? Sus. 

-

Vice Principals

The New Edition Story

Full story: I knew literally nothing about New Edition before watching this lol. Like........I had NO IDEA who tf Ralph Tresvant was. I mean, I had no idea he even existed. I knew Bobby Brown, and I like vaguely knew Del Dick DeVry or whatever. But look: I only know the alien looking one. Ronnie, right? I don't know Mike...and I think there's another one? I don't know these hoes. I am not even trying to be rude, I just do not know who these people are lol. I remember seeing some of these videos when I was a kid and all I could focus on was the tall, weird looking one lol. Like...what is going on...there? Truly, to me, he was the star lol. Like......what is that? A star! That's what.

So I was excited for literally no reason when they announced this ~movie~ was happening. I.....I don't know why. I like immediately thought it'd be lit. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED? The freaking Dru Hill tv movie lol. I just want to see what mess they cast to play Sisqó, and the fat one. I don't know who all else is in Dru Hill. One of the members of Jodeci? Omarion once? Idk but I need that movie okOMG GIVE ME A JODECI MOVIE?? HELLO!! HI!!! GIVE ME IT!! Okay wait what was I GIVE ME A LUTHER VANDROSS MOVIE NOW!!!! NOT TOMORROW, NOW! I want all of these movies to be made by BET to ensure they will be terrible. Okay? I need it. Make it happen, universe. 

So blah blah I aint watch this mess when it first came out because I haven't watched TV appropriately since, like, 2006. So I aint see this shit until I was preparing myself, for some reason unbeknownst to me, to watch the BET awards some while back. Leading up to the awards (which I ended up only watching like ten minutes of because plz stop), they were playing the New Edition Story Thing. It was on in the background, but I wasn't fully paying attention to it, but it eventually caught my eye and I was like...lemme see if I can find it on OnDemand and watch it from the start, which I fully regret lol. 

This movie was aight. But lowkey bad? A full shit-filled, with some okayish, non burnt bits pie served by BET. I expected nothing more, nothing less. Ultimately tho, this movie, for me, was very informative lol. 

Things I didn't know b4 but now do thanx to this fucking movie:

1. Everyone thought Ronnie was hot and looked like a model????????????

2. Ralph was the true talent & star eventho i have no idea whom this sis is

3. Johnny Gill apparently was in this group?? Wasn't Johnny like a full grown man lol or am I getting it wrong? Also I thought he was a solo star in his own right? Wait can we talk about Luke James? He slayed, no? His singing parts at least. I like his music and he should be more successful (or maybe not lol) but like...his recent song "Drip"?????? Why does it sound exactly like some Purple Rain type ish from The Good Sis Prince?? Like, get your own lane and then maybe we can have a convo about you being a star, otherwise, buh bye!! 

4. Michael Rapaport is for some reason one of those white ppl invited to The Cookout? Why??? Tell him to leave and no he cannot take a plate, tf.

5. Mike or whoever discovered Boyz 2 Men? That's awk cuz didn't Boyz 2 Mans blow up even bigger? Can I get a Boyz 2 Mans tv movie?? I need all the tea on that old one with the back problems - thanx. 

6. These niggas were from Boston? lol idk why I think only racist white ppl r from there. These mans seem like some gutter Philly niggas, but sure, I'll accept Boston.

7. Wood Harris is still alive 

 

Okay those are all the things I learned. That's a lot of things. More than six things. So. Very educational. Who did I like acting-wise? Oh, I thought...what's his name. Algee-something, who played Ralph, was giving me a little something. He was giving me something, idk what, but it was something. He made me care about a man I had previously before seeing this not even known existed, so he did a little something lol. Keith Powers as Ronnie was giving strong and silent teas. He was too cute to play Ronnie tho lol when I found out he was cast as him I was cracking tf up like plz stop, but he gave me weird alien teas a little lol so he did his thing lol plz kill me :').

The dude who played Bobby? Meh. Bobby Brown irks, but he's like a star and it wasn't fully captured, but he did okay I guess. Who else? There was some short dude playing some guy who had...a coke problem? Idk, who cares. And then Bryshere Gray played that Mike dude who I wasn't even sure if he had legit singing talent or was like the Diddy of the group or what, but Bryshere did pretty good? But I was only really here for Ralph and then, randomly, for no reason, Johnny Gill??, so, doesn't matter.

    

Overall, this movie was a little whack. Like, I didn't even watch the last maybe fifteen minutes? lol. It was all boring. Wait did I end up finishing it? There was a wedding or something but I don't remember the part where they're supposed to do the ~updates~. Like, what's good with Johnny lol, what he got going on?? Inquiring minds want to know! Ummmmm maybe you could have finished the movie and found out?? Lol smh. Anyway, was this movie better or worse than Citizen Kane? I would say it was on the same level of badness. No better, no worse. 

Insecure, s2

I finally watched this mess. Wait - is it mess? I can't tell if I like this show or am hate-watching it. It's really annoying a lot. I think I don't like the Cali ~aesthetic~ like, at all. It's gross. Def what saves what could be some BET-level melodrama is the comedy. Which is pretty funny. I was open-mouthed laughing @ times, so that's a good sign to me. Also, I am really into the Molly character and all she has going on. She's, as many people have said, like the Great Value versh of Toni Childs, but...isn't that amazing? A not as hot (still pretty hot) possibly even more train-wrecked version of Toni? What does not sound good about that?? Everything sounds good about it. So there are a lot of things I like here, but...a lot of things I don't? Maybe I'm putting too much...hope or some shit into it? I should chill but I just wish there were as many black shows as there were white so I wouldn't be getting all extra over the three lil scraps we get and I have to get all aggy about quality and shit. Do you know...how many terrible white shows I watch and don't care even a little bit how trash they are cuz I always can just skip to the next? It's so freeing. Let's get these black shows up, I'm excited. (And then the Asians shows. And I guess the Latino shows..) 

I want to die. Instead of lassoing up the noose, imma, like, talk about this season of Insecure. Is this a good idea? I took notes. Like, I took notes. Not, like, a lot. But...they exist. It's bad. So, no.

Contents:

I. no condies?

II. hot tall dood

III. molly a mess, always smashing (that fat dude??) her rentz

IV. issa hoeing

V. lawrence more annoying than ever; loox like a cartoon..wootwoot..

VII. jizz in face big deal? (daniel)

VIII. issa jobbie

VIIII. issa bro

X. those friends kelly and liteskint

?. boy w/ weird head from victorious (funny)

??. muzak?? 

I. no condies? 

Um. I don't do sex. But like, don't people use condoms? Or is this how we got Zika and shit? Niggas just whilin raw. Fine. No judgment, seems fun. (Pleaz keep ur Pig AIDS away!!!) 

It's awkward how they just show characters quickly getting it in??? I have an issue with them never showing characters putting a condom on, and then also...like, there's never any foreplay? Can bitches just get jammed up with a dick without even a flick of a clit????????????? Maybe??? I genuinely have no idea. But speaking for my own personal vagina?? Like...warm me up first??? Don't just start jamming ur dick in my pee area when we're in a bathroom (gross???) or like really quick and deep and shit on the couch without some kissies on my urethra or some shit first lol smh. Is this just how TV Sex is supposed to look? I don't like, please stop. 

II. hot tall dood

That Cro-Magnon, caveman looking ass spicy black whatever type dude who's Molly's ~best friend from growing up~ is um, kinda hot? He's Shitty Teeth Hot, just my type lol. He's like, legit cute and tall af but looks a lil slow??? Annnnnnd I am here for him AND ALL OF THIS MESS!! My issue with this show is I don't be shippin' Molly or Issa with any of the niggas they be messing with. Do I need to? Yes!!!! Put sum niggas on the show I can get into, damn! This tall, barely evolved looking dude is def a step in the right direction, okay, let's do this! This shit is such a mess, tho.. 

III. molly a mess, always smashing (that fat dude??) her rentz

Okay. So poor man's Toni chi chi (don't) is...just a total disaster. She's in therapy now (why isn't Issa, btw????????), and, she is so me if I were to do therapy (why don't I???????????). I forget - did she quit? lol. (Please don't). But lowkey therapy seems........unhelpful??? Like your therapist is just sitting there staring @ you thinking of what they finna order for lunch and shit (I'm projecting, this is what I'd be doing) and it's just like, do they truly care? Also how is just spouting random platitudes helpful? I feel like a genuinely helpful therapist would be like some crazy dude with a chainsaw who just followed you around everywhere threatening you to do better, but Obamacare, I guess.   

I feel awkward for Molly's work situation. They gave her a fucking sticker. Wow. But will she really move to Chicago? Like, it's surely not happening in LA. That could not be more obvious, but I'm excited for this storyline. Kind of different from just focusing on their shitty, tragic ass love lives.

Speaking of!! So.........I thought it was cliché....that...Molly was hyping her parents' 30 year relationship, only to find out her dad cheated. Called it the minute she started hyping them, but...idk about her extra-ass reaction to finding out her dad cheated? She's...she's pretty grown lol. Idk about that. Also, maybe weirdly tone deaf or something? Maybe I'm wrong to think this way, but Molly be whilin' out in these streets. It's not like she's some chaste virgin who's been waiting around for The One. Idk, to me, her reaction seemed weird considering how she operates in her ~romantic life~, but maybe I'm reaching. 

BUT LIKE! WHEN SHE WAS UPSET AND TALL BOI RAN AFTER HER AND NOT STERLING K. BROWN??? On the one hand I was like yaaaaas cuz I ship it, but on the other hand I want to not have to live anymore. You know? Also...I don't know...how I feel about. Like, I guess cuz Molly's confused about what she wants, so am I?? But to be honest, if we're being honest, it seems she wants some bullshit, and for whatever reason, is not emotionally available for anything ~real~ and is subconsciously making sure she does not get anything real. The sitch she has with Cave Boy is like, exactly what she wantz, I think. And I am excited for that mess to continue next season and also to see the leaps and bounds she goes to to, like, validate that shit. Can't wait.

But...can we talk about her just smashing that fat dude because he was there and I guess? Gave her some popcorn? Molly is so desperate and weird. Bitch, just be Samantha Jones and call it a day, you making me fucking uncomfortable. Shit! 

IV. issa hoeing 

I liked the comedy aspects of this. Because it would so be me. Imma totally do a hoe phase. I think I'll be less awkward because I am 1. never ever putting on a freaking white jean skirt??? or 2. using a dating app. Online dating just seems awkward off-top. Imma go to the zoo or Aldi or some shit to find my dick. It'll be lit, I promise. But anyway, was that Broderick Hunter or whomever in the anteojos???? If so, he is mad awkward ~in person~ but I was dying at him dipping immediately on their ~date~. I mean, that is very rude, and would completely happen to me (no I'm jk i'd be the dipper #aquariussquad), but it was hilarious. All of Issa's shit in that bar scene was hilarious. But is that legit? Wouldn't in real life she'd be able to pull way easier? Dudes fuck anything, don't they? Wait that sounds rude to Issa lol I don't mean it like that, I just don't think, if they saw this SO OPEN opp to get some puss, they'd be, like, wincing and turning up their nose. But I never leave the house so I would not even remotely know this lol.

That thing with the Spanish dude, tho? AWKWARD!  He coulda been a sugar daddy. The fuck was Issa's broke ass doing? Come on. 

V. lawrence more annoying than ever; loox like a cartoon..wootwoot..

I hate Lawrence. Unequivocally. I do not like him! Lol. Ugh. He is so...fucking annoying! He is so annoying! Like, the people around Lawerence are extremely annoying (his co-workers, that annoying ass Tasha bitch) but somehow Lawrence comes out on top as THE MOST ANNOYING of everyone. How???? I cannot stand him lol. Real talk, tho: if he was hot I would barely care. If he was played by, like, Connor from Degrassi? He'd be my fave character. Or if he was played by #actingbae LaKeitha Stanfield, I would be screaming for more Lawrence! Moar Lawrence! Sad. But the dude who plays Lawrence looks like a goofy goober head. He looka like a cartoon and it just make his simp ass annoying ass beta ass character all the more infuriating.

Everything he does makes me feel frowny face. Why does him embarrassing himself at work with that WootWoot shit make me hate him so much? Shouldn't I feel bad??? I don't! And then him being hyped up by his Kewl Gurl Latina?? So much hate. Why does she need to tell you what your bitch ass needs to do???????????????????????????? Sigh! And then him getting all aggy cuz she chuckling it up with that ugly white dude @ work. Clearly she has low standards, thank god for you! Praise god & allah, you irritating bitch bastard! Hate him!! lol. I love...I love feeling hate. So good. I feel so...whole. Complete.

VII. jizz in face big deal? (daniel)  

I repeat: I never do the sex. But. Is jizz in the face that big a d? Both Molly & Issa were freaking out. Would I want a dude to come in my eyeballs? No. Never been around semen, but I guess it's irritating. My eyes get irritated really easily, I think I have allergies or something, so, that wouldn't be good for me, but idk if...like, if I was sucking dick??? I think I'd expect some gross, weird shit to happen? Like ejaculate on or...around my face???????????? Cuz a second ago I was just sucking up some peen and shit happens?????????? Idk. But it turns out Daniel kind of...was tryna get back at her? It wasn't clear if he actually was, or if it was just an ~in the moment~ sort of thing, but it was really weird to me that Issa, for some reason, was trying to show Daniel he meant a lot to her or something by sucking his peepee? I thought you were being a savage, what kind of shit is that? He not your man, tf. OMG AND NOW SHE MOVING IN WITH HIM! I can't wait for this mess. Leggo season 3, someone better get herpes. Do I want someone to get herpes? No (Yes). 

VIII. issa jobbie

Last year I felt like Issa didn't genuinely care about her job and this year I feel the same?? Annnnd so that's how I feel lol. She finna get that booty fired. Please do, so I can get that fire Broken Pussy EP. It's time.

VIIII. issa bro

Cute; funny. More of him - oui? Oh, also, Molly's brothers maybe? More of their brothers, maybe. Maybe.

X. those friends kelly and liteskint

Don't like them. Kelly all loud and shit. And liteskint, she annoying. But I think I just might not like Amanda Diva lol, but nah her character is tryna give me Hilary Banks? But I'm getting Hilary Stanks, and no thanx. #firrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! 

But can we talk about how Lawrence's ol buddy ol' pal looks highkey like Liteskint's bae?? They look too alike. Sus liteskints (y'all hispanic??). That's all I got for now, tho lol.

?. boy w/ weird head from victorious (funny)

First of all. That turn up in Issa's apt was HILARIOUS?? I was dying when that dude started crip walking and Issa asked if it was choreography (me) and for someone to turn off the music (meeeeeeeeeee). 

But look? Ol' boy from Victorious (wait is that even him lol) was KILLING ME. So funny. His head looks weird, but I wish he was recurring. But Issa moving, so no??? Um!!! ???

??. muzak

I like it mostly, but sometimes it feels try-hardy?? Like, LOOK @ ALL THIS BLACK INDIE SHIT! Lol it reminds me of when I used to watch Grey's Anatomy and they stayed going hard on those The Fray-type songs. I don't know how to explain how it's the same lol, idk...I think it's the overly-knowing your aesthetic and really pounding it in lol like chill for a second. And then Issa having Frank Ocean on her phone and that pillow she spilled wine on (enough). I think I'm just mad they aint got Maren Morris on the soundtrack. I was happy they had "Skywalker", tho. As a Miguel stan I am always wondering if anyone cares about him lol so at least he can get his music on a TV show. I wish Travis Scott wasn't on that song :/ Also I wish Bryson Tiller wasn't on that Jazmine Sullivan song :/ Like why is he needed, sigh. Also can we get some Sufjan Stevens on the soundtrack?? Or blasian alternative Toro y Moi?? Cum on!!! 

Curb Ur Enthusiasm s9, e1

My favorite bald bitch is back and I am so happy, but also at the same time very sad, because my life is so empty, and meaningless. That's why, I'm like, writing this blogpost. That's why I have a blog. And it's not even a good one like wordpress. It's blogspot. Does blogspot even still exist? Like honestly. 

  

I am also depressed that I didn't even bother to watch season 2 of Insecure but was sat right in front of my TV ready and waiting for this shit to come on on Sunday. I actually turned my channel to HBO hours before it came on (because xfinity is garbage and I have to try to change channels in advance like hours before if I want to watch something because sometimes it won't let me and CABLE IS DEAD but anyway) and I had to suffer through having that Why Him? movie playing as white noise in the background and then some show called The Deuce where James Franco is playing twins?? (why not triplets???) and Maggie Gyllenhaal is being, well, her. And I kept catching glimpses of the foolery on my TV like what is going on here on HBO on this day. Wait what was I talking about? I have so...many...problems. But yeah anyway lol it's sad I was more excited for this white bald mess than season 2 of Insecure even though I am an ~offbeat~ black bitch and that show is supposed to be ~made 4 me~ (I lowkey hate it and the side characters are garbage and the niggas r not cute except for the Enterprise dude and one time Jidenna :( bring back Girlfriends). Can someone make a show about an awkward black bitch who has no friends and drinks a disproportionate amount of strawberry milk and who uses the bathroom so much that now she has butt ulcers?? Oh, wait, I'm just remembering Samantha Irby is getting a show on FX or something (right??) okay whew, everything is calm now (she better be getting a show). Let's resume...whatever the fuck this sad mess is smh (she better be getting a show I'm not joking, bitch!!). 

Why would Larry David...........make me wait like ten years for a whole new ass season? I hate him. I mean, there are mad other shows and I don't keep up with a single gotdamn one of them (except 4 Shameless - that's bae) so I don't know who I'm fooling lol but come on, like, eighteen years between seasons? I get you're like extra rich and shit, but this is just disrespectful. Do better. 

So my favorite thing about the first episode was my bae Carrie Brownstein (r u azn??) made an appearance. I highkey love Carrie just from Portlandia which has my whole heart completely lol. I love that show. I don't want to, though? You know how it is, but she is so funny to me on that mess. I was so yamped to see her here and she had a limp and she was constipated? Are you kidding??? I was SO HAPPY you don't understand, it was so perfect. She plays the dumbest shit with the straightest face I want to THROW UP!!    

I am upset though? Because it looks like maybe she won't return? Ummmm. Look imma have to get over it cuz I see my bae Bob Einstein coming back next episode so I'm straight, ngl.

 

What else did I love?

  

1. the opening shower scene. So dumb, and true. Also Larry looks horrifying naked. I never want to see that again, but at the same time, do? Again, you know how it is. (Pretend you do and shut up!) (no1 is reading this, u thot...) 

2. how like, reductive and repetitive the episode was? lol it was just mad cliché and obvious jokes and Larry being typical Larry. Like...him going out of his way to take all that time sizing up that lesbian to decide if she wanted the door held open for her instead of just, like, doing it? So extra and dumb and everything I want and need from this show. Just everything. The assistant. Pretty sure they already did the I want to fire the assistant but it's too awkward bit like multiple times before? Love it every time. His whole thing with Richard Lewis. It's always the same dumb shit and if anything changed I would be devastated. Everything was rehashed and I was so happy. Never change. Or if you do just get a little bit worse :')  

3. Leon. I want to hate Leon because he is the only black person on this show pretty much ever now that Wanda Sykes is a lesbian, and he just whole be out here acting like that dog from Disney. Not the one who can speak, the other one. Pluto? It's just, deep sigh lol, but I love him? And his weird...bromance with Larry? Why is this relationship happening? Idk but it is everything and because Leon is black he can be the one to say the really horrible shit. Calling that broad a "limpy bitch"? Pleas.........e... And no one. I mean no one, could get away with that cruditake joke but him. That was so fucking funny for no reason omg and Larry telling him to put it back :') I wanted to die. They are so baes. Anyway I can't wait til next episode when Larry is roasting that ginger boy. How do you think this Fatwa situation is gonna turn out? I have no idea what a Fatwa is. Maybe I will get some edjumacation.  

I better not.

A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story (1992)

Betty, Betty, Betty...

Okay. Wait. lol. Wait, hold on.

...

Is..

Were we.........as like, the audience, supposed to...........sympathize with Betty????????? If so, MONUMENTAL FAIL on the moviemaker's part. Monumental fail. Not once did I feel bad for Betty or agree with her behavior. Betty was turning up at every opportune moment like everywhere she went was the fucking Apple Store lol and I was entirely done and over her from minute fucking one.  

Betty was acting like...Dan fucking...threw acid in her face and stole her purse or something lol. Look, okay. Wait, I was about to say how Dan cheated and that was whack, BUT THE MOVIE NEVER MADE THAT EXPLICIT FOR ONE SECOND. Not for one second was it obvious to me Dan was cheating on Meredith Baxter-Birney and here again I am wondering like...were we supposed to feel sympathy for Betty?? This movie is called A Woman Scorned but like, why no show her being scorned? It was only implied, imo, and like, only by Betty. The only really explicit example of Dan being a piece of shit was when that woman from Dan's office quit because his alleged bae had her own office lol. But the only thing explicit about that was that that broad was a hater lol. The movie never once shows Dan being a true piece of shit. I guess we could infer from how he went behind Betty's back and sold that house, and also we're supposed to infer he carried on some massive affair? But look. Lol. Wait, hold on. 

Betty and Dan's marriage was trash and garbage????????? She threatening divorce every two seconds and acting wild af. Burning his clothes up over an assumption that he cheating. Now look!! DAN PROB WAS SMASHING! But burning clothes up??????????? Is it just me or is that WILD AF????? And like, her kids could see? Betty unhinged, bottom line. And their relationship was trash before he started stepping out so I honestly couldn't care less and she was being hella delusional and clinging on to the little bitty piece of string that was their unsubstantial relationship for totally superficial and unorganic reasons. 

   

Her real thing is she felt entitled to Dan because she supported him while he was getting his career going, but now that he glo'd up, he tryna peace out. Bitch, marry up. The fuck you building a nigga up for? Espech when he played the dad on 7th Heaven?? I mean!! Honestly! NO ONE told you to do that. But okay. She did. She supported Dan's fuckboy ass while he was getting himself together and he got himself together and now they have mad money and beach houses and shit which is DOPE! If I built a nigga up and we had mad money and he cheated on me I wouldn't burn a single sock. Gimme a divorce and cut my checks. I'm getting all these houses and then some. Betty played it all wrong, crashing cars into people's houses, tearing cake up in people's bedrooms lol, brawling like some animal on nice suburban lawns, fucking uh...taking a picture too close to the new wife's face smh lol. And like, you know, that whole thing with her, MURDERING DAN AND THE MISTRESS TURNED WIFEY?? Bitch, you crazy!!! 

Divorce, get your money, and live a fabulous divorcée ass life! You can be out here doing hella gangbangs with Arabian princes and shit lol but you worrying about a nigga wit a receding hairline who dating a broad that look like somebody's little brother. I don't understand!!! Betty didn't even seem like she loved or liked Dan. She just felt she should be married to him. I felt no sympathy for her. Especially not when she bought that nice beach house and was talking about how you're supposed to enjoy the fruits of the labors of your 20s and 30s in ur 40s but had the nerve to be looking depressed by a swimming pool she owned. Miss me. Kill me if I'm swagged out in my forties acting pressed over some dusty white dude who don't even got a fatty. Dumb! 

Now I watched this on youtube (just kill me rn instead) and comments implied the real life case was...different. Like Dan and his piece were mercilessly harassing Betty and drove her to a desperate point. If that was actually the case, I wonder why Lifetime did not portray that in the film? How odd to make it look like Betty was completely crazy if she had actually, irl, been egged on and abused? Or were the comments not accurate and she was just being your typical entitled white lady? I worked at Target once, so I know how these hoes can be lol, but...I also kinda believe her ex-bae and his wifey were messing with her. Especially since Dan had all that power. And they did include some of that in the movie, but that was like 1% and the other 99% was Betty doing a Gone Girl but not in a ~cool girl~ sort of way. In an embarrassing TV movie from the dorky ass early-nineties sort of way. And guess what? I LOVED IT! THIS MOVIE WENT TF OFF! lol, I was like, upset when it ended? I wish this were a big, feature film. I lowkey want a remake and for it to be in theaters, but it wouldn't have Meredith Baxter. We need Meredith Baxter. It is imperative. She is the QUEEN. She makes or breaks the iconic TV movie. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone but look if you do a remake with like Samantha Morton or some shit or do a black version for no reason with Viola Davis I will be FIRST IN LINE for the tix. Loljk no one goes to the movies anymore. Imma wait for it to come on streaming somewhere like a few months later :'). 

Better than Citizen Kane?: YES

-

A Woman Scored: The Betty Broderick Story

Team Tammy: Unforgivable (1996)

Let me just get this out of the way and say that Unforgivable is a pretty good made for tv movie. I mean, it's cliché out the ass, like all of them are, but it holds up. I think it was pretty inspired casting to place John Ritter's goofy ass in the role of The Abuser. This was different from The Burning Bed, though, where I felt Paul Le Mat was too goofy to be believable as an abuser. John was goofy here, but not Three's Company or JD's dad on Scrubs goofy - it was goofy in like, this dude is pathetic and it's just so obvious why he's beating on his wife and terrorizing his family, those weaker than him. It was legit scary and disturbing and I thought John Ritter did a really good job in a role that's been played pretty cheesily by a million and one has-beens and never was. You can tell he was legit because this movie could've been a real mess. 

Now, with me giving props to the movie for being good and John Ritter for being believable as a wife beater, let's get into how that all set the stage for me getting way too into this movie lol and cheering for my bae Tammy every time she was on the screen. 

So okay. John plays a man named Paul Hegstrom. Paul is married to Judy and they have three kids. RIGHT AWAY the movie is popping off with domestic violence and I'm like Okay. Like, can a bitch get prepared first damn!  But also right away, I'm living for Queen Tammy. She's like mad grossed out by her dad. 

YOU KNOW WHAT! I was so disgusted right away as the movie opened lol and that's so much part of why I was identifying with Tammy. Like, they had John Ritter tearing into his wife because she what? Had the audacity to call him at work. lol what? And the kicker is his bitch ass told her to call him! Girl, okay! So after John has finishing tearing on her ass, he starts like condescendingly kissing her on the mouth. I was...disgusted. And then in the following scene, Tammy sees her mom's bruises and then her dad comes in and tries to like hug her or something and she thwarts him and I immediately knew whom I'd be checking for for the rest of the movie. 

So fast-forward to Paul leaving the family to go be with his mistress. You know what pissed me off? I thought I was going to be LIVING for the mistress before I found out she was the mistress. She was just some chick working at the bar Paul and his co-worker were harassing women at, lowkey dragging them for their lives. Later I think Paul is stalking this bitch, bout to rape her or something, only to find out they fucking. OH, REALLY NOW?? I deaded this bitch in my heart. Then Paul threw her homewrecking ass through a glass shower door, but not before she attempted to fight his ass back, so I made a tiny space back for her in my heart. Sigh.

Okay, but why she aint press charges? In lieu of pressing charges, she requires Paul attend some Abusers Anonymous meetings, and stay away from her. Girl, whatever. HE THREW YOU THROUGH A GLASS DOOR! But all his bitch, bloated ass gotta do is visit the basement of a church three times a week? AND HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO TRY AND COMPLAIN AND GET HER TO RENEGE THE DEAL AS IF HIS ASS COULDN'T BE SITTING ON SOME NIGGA'S DICK IN PRISON INSTEAD! I was entirely through. 

Kevin Dunn plays the counselor dude who runs the Abusers Anonymous meetings, and I really liked him here, his calming sort of presence, in contrast to those hype, aggy ass dudes in the group. I was CACKLING at how United Nations their Abusers Squad was. They had Paul's white ass, another white but lower class, another white but country and a lawyer; a Native American (girl), Hispanic George Constanza, and some black dude named Spider. Chile cheese. This group was honestly doing the most. You know what I really did not like about this movie? How, like, sympathetic they were tryna make us be to these dudes. Were they doing that or am I projecting? Idk, it seemed weird that these niggas are putting bitches in hospitals and shit and all they have to do is go to group therapy which clearly doesn't work all that much. And then Spider's big ass was up there talking about you have to ~leave your past behind~ or some mess. Yeah, I wonder how well that's working out for your victims. BUT ANYWAY! 

Oh, okay, so I guess it ~works~ for Paul. His BIG TEST is when he asks Judy if they can get back together and she SPAZZES on that ass. Instead of punching her in her fucking face and karate kicking her upside the damn head, Paul runs away. You know, like, in order to avoid pummeling her to death. Nice. Success! 

You know what sincerely pissed me off? That was such A Moment for Judy, her going in on Paul. But the movie fucked it up to ultimately make it a moment for Paul. Like, HE DID IT! HE DIDN'T A B U S E!! Yo, like, congrats for doing some shit millions of people do every day. You're a hero, basically. The fuck. This society is such a mess. Like I was really heated they had Judy go off on his ass, WHICH WAS GREAT, only to immediately diminish it by having her look terrified she said all that shit, then have Paul dramatically not beat her up, for fucking once in his life. Don't ever photoshop an abusive nigga's pissy ass redemption narrative over a women's empowerment moment. This is like the first time probably ever in this bitch's life she stood up for herself, and they cut it short to do some ugly ass Powerpoint slideshow rewind to when Paul was terrorizing her. Oh, but look now: He's not as much! Except he is? Like did he really ask if they could get back together after all that shit he did? He nearly killed a bitch but he deserves a family? Nah.

So, anyway, Team Tammy. Because not for one second did this bitch falter on her stance: I do not fuck with that nigga - miss me. I was so glad that they never once had her softening on him. I also loved her for calling the fam stupid and weak for letting him back in. Apparently this shit was based on real people and like Paul and Judy and Tammy and 'em actually exist? Hmm. I liked how the little ~update~ said in so many words, "Tammy still don't fuck with this nigga", after they also said that Paul and Judy got back together and have stayed together since. GIRL, WHAT? Talking about Paul rehabilitated. Okay. I watched this shit on YouTube (anyway) and in the comments one person likened "neutered" Paul to Hulk like right before he goes green. His clothes shredding a bit, but he's keeping it ~under control~. They...put it better. But I agreed. And they were like, I'm supposed to applaud this? Like, exactly. Girl, bye to all of this. I don't understand why Judy did all that to get her life together only to return to the nigga who fucked her life up in the first place. How can you "love" someone who ruins your fucking life? What the hell. Bitches be trippin, I guess. 

Oh, I forgot to talk about my other bae besides Tammy, the manager nigga at the car dealership Paul worked at before that ass got FIRED. Every time he showed up on screen he was dragging Paul to hell and back by his little bits of hair. I was fucking L I V I N G, BITCH! Anyway, bye. 

Schitt's Creek

Does anybody remember Instant Star? Just randomly the other day I was thinking of that Hope Partlow song "Sick Inside" and how it played between episodes of Degrassi when I used to binge their marathons in my depressed ~*~TeEn YeArS~*~. That was my jam. Then I started thinking of my other jams during that time, like that one song by Skye Sweetnam lol which lead me to thinking about my ultimate jam during that time, "Skin" by Alexz Johnson. "Skin" was A MOMENT song on the show Alexz starred on Instant Star, which was thankfully not Radio Free Roscoe. As long as a show wasn't Radio Free Roscoe, it was my show. So anyway I'm thinking about Instant Star and how that was my show (I was a fake fan and only watched like one and a half seasons; like when Alexz went blonde I was OUTTA THERE, BITCH! smh), and I had this EPIPHANY! I realized the bearded like hippie, outdoorsy sorta dude on Schitt's Creek was the ~heartTHROB~*~* from Instant Star. I completely forget his name on the show and don't feel like looking it up because I'm a bitch and lazy and have zero respect for Canadians and Canadian actors especially, but yeah! Lol he was on that show! No, cuz I was watching Schitt's a month or so ago on Netflix and I am like.......why does he look familiar to me. I kept thinking I maybe saw him play Superman on a TV show once? But I would never watch something so terrible sounding as that, so that couldn't've been it. Omg you know what. Like, I could've looked his ass up lol I am so lazy, but I am so happy I had my epiphany and finally realized why he looked familiar and OH EM GEE I am listening to music on shuffle rn and "Sick Inside" just came on! I manifested it with my bullshit! 

I want to die so badly immediately (joking!, universe). But anyway all that tragedy brings me to finally talking about Schitt's Creek, which is what I initially came here for smh please help me.

So remember how up there I said I had no respect for Canadians in general but their so-called "actors" especially? Anyway I was just being a bitch and I love Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy and this show is so amazing to have both of them and I am so happy :') 

So Schitt's Creek is about a rich family who loses everything I think to some Bernie Madoff type scammer? The only thing they have left in assets is a town called Schitt's Creek the patriarch of the family bought his son, I believe, as a joke. 

So they go to Schitt's to begin rebuilding and gaining back their fortune. Schitt's is some bodunk shit (ha..) town. Like, the mayor of the town, Roland Schitt, played by Chris Elliott--I think he owns the motel the Rose Family move into? Lol like they move in and Roland is showing them around and being all up in their room and taking a shit and everything lol like wtf kinda mayor is this?  

The show is funny because you have these like ridiculous rich people paired up with, I guess, more normal (not really) townsfolk types. And there's just obvious comedy with everything dealing with the shitty motel they have to stay in, and their dealings with the townspeople. My fave on the show is DAY-VID!, played by Eugene Levy's Son, I believe? I didn't look this up, but if that kid didn't come directly out of his dick, I'm suing. 

I love David. He's playing like, just a shallow, kinda incompetent, sarcastic-y rich kid. I also auto-assumed he was gay (tho it could be the Canadian thing), but they reveal he's more pan or bi maybe? Very casually almost but I was side-eyeing it because the only chick he hooks up with is basically his twin in female form and it's just like okay gurl and YIKES.

Who's my second-fave bae after David? Prob Catherine O'Hara's character who plays some faded like crazy soap opera star. She's so funny and ott. And then the sister who is awful and always wearing headbands but she's funny in her awful, headband wearingness. 

I love the interactions between the family the best, it's just jokes after jokes, and I love when David interacts with his dad because he is rude and I just think it's cute to see Eugene Levy and Eugene Levy's Son interacting onscreen. But in general I just love how rude the whole family is to each other lol but they're still, at the end of the day, a family unit (wtf am I talking about). Wait but why am I still crying at when David ran away to live with those Amish people and they couldn't wait to get rid of him lol and he had all those fucking black clothes on smh this show is the best and why are there only two seasons? Are there more seasons and there were just two on Netflix? This show should never end I'm feeling some type of way..  

But yeah anyway that dude from Instant Star is on here lol. And that's primarily what I came here to be weird about because I literally forgot everything that happened because I watched this some months ago and got briefly mad it was over and wanted to forget it existed. But look: can this show keep happening? I don't understand, didn't they have this on TBS? Have you seen the original shows TBS has on there now? Ummmm, no! Lol. Put this back! Unless this was just an import and originally belonged to Canada and maybe still is happening hopefully? I'm too lazy to look can...if there are more seasons can Netflix put them up there??? WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL WAITING FOR THEM TO PUT UP SERIES 3 and 4 of Fresh Meat???? Like, honestly! 

eta: omg I just found out there's at least a season three I want to die & throw up why is my life so empty:')!!!!!!!!!!

-

Schitt's Creek

Rendez-vous (1985)

What was this? What the fuck was this? No...lemme not act brand new. This is ~Frênch Fìlm~. Literally...all french films are exactly the same. There's fucking uh....fucking. Terrible, awful characters, even (especially) the so-called "likable" and "charming" ones; there's...more fucking. Soup bowls used to drink coffee out of. Water in milk jugs. Weird old-timey looking homes and apartments. No one has storm screens in their windows; Juliette Binoche or Isabelle Huppert; everyone is white; everyone is crazy but because France it's just normal; characters are just fucking like...as personality traits; there's some weird guy with a nose; no one's hair is combed but everyone is hot anyway; pubic hair; fake-deep existentialism; casual maniacal depression made to seem like a fancy perfume commercial - this is all French Film is. There are some exceptions/wild card moments: an occasional Black; horrifically boring sci-fi mixed in with the only mildly boring fake-deep existentialism; someone acknowledges everyone hates Muslims, etc, but the formula is typically adhered to very closely.  

This is all to say I love French cinema. Can't get enough, and will watch anything they make. That is not to say I will like everything. I actually hate most of it, but I simply like to be along for the ride, even if the final destination is like, a Japanese internment camp, or an abandoned pet hospital in Chernobyl with radiating German Shepherds running around like mutated wolfbears. I just like...to experience the awfulness. Sometimes I legit like French films, but it'll happen on-accident, and usually end up being some fucked up bullshit that makes me question my entire existence. Like one time I ended up liking this movie with Gérard Depardieu and his nose and it was some shit like he and this dude were thieves? And at one point they both were breastfeeding off this woman they met/possibly raped on a train? And then they had a threesome with I think Jeanne Moreau and she killed herself?????????? And for some reason I was like YAS? Yeah it was an accident. There's no French Film that is OKAY and you can like it and feel fine with yourself. It's actually better for you to watch it for ~the experience~ and end the film "hating" (you just didn't "get it") it, because then you can still maybe feel like a good person at the end of it. Also, it's totally fine to like any film from French-Canada (it's not). They're the Degrassi of French Cinema they don't count, you'll be fine (you won't it's not okay). 

So anyway lol thankfully I ended Rendez-vous str8-up lowkey hating it. Lowkey, because I rarely have a passionate feeling either way when I end a French film. I usually just feel vaguely depressed and unmoored but not like clapping or going to jump off a building or anything. The emotion is always in-between the two whether I liked the film or naw. When I ended Rendez-vous I was mostly annoyed that 1. the subtitles for that quote they had up there disappeared too fast for me to read, so I had to rewind, and 2. when I did rewind, I like, still didn't get it? I realized I had actually read the whole quote, it's just I didn't get it? Something about wheat chafe and it grows a fruitful bounty??? I DON'T KNOW!!!  

What was this mess about? Sigh, Juliette B plays a shitty actress (shade??) who is looking for an apartment. She's supposed to be really young in this movie, like 18? She's care-free (in a kind of fake way, I think? or just French) and goes to...an apartment realtor or something? and is all like lol sew tired of sleeping on friends couches, I need an apartment! :) But like later we find out she's just been fucking her way through all of Paris and admits she hasn't spent one night alone since she's arrived?? (Girl, grôss??) 

The guy who helps her at the apartment-finder place, Paulot, is immediately in love. Cuz she's Juliette Binoche or whatever. Juliette (wtf was her character name idk who cares) invites Paulot to her play. She's a tea and chocolate maid. Like...she's terrible, right? I legit can't tell tho lol like maybe in France she is good, but she is like directly talking to the audience when she delivers her like one line so.....I don't think so? No, she's a shit actress because it's clear she's terrible when she reads later for something more ~serious~ and she's just always being lowkey dragged. So, no, she's bad.

After the play Juliette and Paulot hang out. Juliette has some bae she's living with, and he gets mad she's looking for an apartment. He reveals she's slutty (she's French, wtf did you expect??), and is yelling at her, I guess fed up with her behavior. (She's also like eighteen, so?). Juliette starts packing her bags and leaves off with Paulot.

Paulot takes her back to his place, which he shares with some guy named Quentin, who fulfills the role of Weird Guy With a Nose. Paulot says Juliette can stay on their couch until she finds a place, but Q-dog is right away hostile, makes Juliette uncomfy, and so she ends up fucking off. Paulot walks her over to a motel or something across the street. 

At first, because I could not be more predictable, I am into Quentin. He has a weird nose and looks depressed and like he lubricates his breakfast cereal with heroin juice. He's all ~dark~ and ~mysterious~. For like two seconds. I'm not 16 anymore so shit like this doesn't hold much weight anymore and as soon as he breaks into Juliette's motel room and tries to force himself on her I am like girl, I am OVER this. She beats him with her heel and he just like stalks off into the rain and I want to die and for this movie to be over TWENTY MINUTES AGO! :) Idek if at this point the movie has been on for twenty minutes, but I want it rewound to the point that it stops existing. 

For some reason, it carries on. Great.

Wtf happens? Oh, of course, Quentin threatens to kill himself if Juliette doesn't pay attention to him or some trite bs. I woulda let that nigga kill himself. Like, he's not that cute, he looks dusty, his hair is uneven, like who cares? Not me! But apparently Juliette does and I am.......so tired. 

Quentin takes her to a sex club because of course where he's playing I guess Romeo in some sex club version of Romeo and Juliet and at one point is fucking Juliet in a trapeze net or something? You know what was weird about this French Film? No explicit sex. Like, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE? If you're not going to give me Good Story, whip them dicks out, STOP PLAYING GAMES! 

I should be euthanized, but so also should whoever made this movie. So Juliette and ol' boy get to smushin' gushies. Who cares. Then immediately after a maybe cute lil sex thing, Quentin is a dick and a douche, and then he kills himself. Thank GOD! lol Praise the LORDT! 

Does the movie improve? *screaming* NO! 

Quentin dies and some old guy shows up. Blah blah turns out he's the dad to the girl Quentin killed. He aint really kill the broad. Blah blah Quentin and this chick (the old dude's daughter) starred in I guess some well-renowned play of Romeo and Juliet back in the day and became instant young successes and then apparently they felt they had done all there was to do in life (??????) and decided to kill themselves (¿¿¿¿¿) but Quentin survived? Except his bitch ass I guess kept trying to make attempts over the years blah blah finally he succeeds after fucking Juliette Binoche (shade???). 

Dumb.

So Quentin's ghost is haunting Juliette, telling her she's a shit actress and a loser or whatever (where's the lie??). The old dude is putting on a new revival or whatever of Romeo and Juliet, and trolls the play by casting Juliette as Juliet. Quentin's ghost is like Bitch, you BET NOT play Juliet, but he is not even being unreasonable, she is...so terrible.

Another part of the story is Paulot has been wanting to smash Juliette but she isn't into it? She friendzones him instantly and he's all in his feelings and then at the end of the movie when Juliette is at her utmost desperate and loneliest she finally offers her body to Paulot, which he takes, but is like spitting on her and being mean?? Sooooo. And then they go to eat and it's awkward because just before they were having that weird, horrible sex. Then Juliette invites him to her play. He rips up the ticket and you can assume the Simp has graduated to Not So Simp? I guess spitting...the spitting thing helped??...

When the spitting thing was happening all I could wonder was if Juliette Binoche was cool with that (she's French, so prob) and then also that scene when Quentin was like thrashing her?? Was Juliette the Actress, like FINE with that? I am disturbed by what maybe she went through to film this, but even more so by the thought that she was prob cool with the whole deal. How very...French.

Look, this movie was boring. I don't care about horrible things if they're interesting, but they weren't here? That is the main crime: dullness. But again, I mainly care about the ride itself, boring or not. I wish I wasn't like this. But movies, sadly, are school for me. I learn something new every day. Like for instance, in this film, I learned Juliette doesn't shave her armpits (girl me neither, I need to move to French Place), and also that I cannot tell the difference between Real French People and people who are Not French, but can speak it. Was Quentin, like, British? For some reason I thought he looked American (and really out of place), but British makes even more sense. So much horrible sense. But anyway, when will I die? 

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