Oscars 2017

I've seen like two movies that were nominated lol. But that doesn't mean I don't have A LOT of opinions about the fuck all that is going on. If Blah La La Land wins (Which I DID NOT see), I'm going to...roll my eyes lol sike you thot it was that serious. But I def want Moonlight (Haven't seen, but WANT TO) to win because it just...should? Lol what if it's really bad and La La Land is uhmazing (doubt it)?? Idk who cares, but I took notes while watching because my life has no meaning. Turn up!!!!!!!!!!! 

So I have this red carpet pre-show shit on in the background............should I mute this? Why is Emma Roberts' crazy ass there? Lookin' just crazed lol. And now they have Leslie Mann on here and the interview guy told her 700 million people would be watching and she got all shook because she's presenting. Aint no 700 mili niggas watching this shit lol but I love Leslie she is so cute but white so prob racist lol.

Andrew Garf, my baby! I would die if he won but 1. Didn't see Whacksaw Ridge, so don't know if it's a good performance and 2. He won't? So. But he's amazing and I am so excited he's been finally nominated like he should've been all the way back to Boy A, BUT I'M SLEEP!! 

Wait I'm just remembering this bitch tried to drag Isabelle Huppert's outfit. How in one breath you gon' say French bitches have effortless, built-in style then drag her because she "underwhelmed" you? French style is all about understated sexiness like you sound dumb and she looks great smh I hate these red carpet losers

That little girl from Fences just said some cute shit and the interviewer dude paid her ass dust, I want to die this is so horrible...

THIS NIGGA JUST WRONGLY PRONOUNCED MYKELTI'S NAME AND THEN BROUGHT UP BUMBA GUMP TALKING ABOUT AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FILM. HOW????!! 

Terrence Howard's voice screams tiny, greasy penis.

AWWWWW Andrew Garf just awkwardly complimented the interview bitch I want to scream he is so cute and pure

John & Chrissy are mad annoying lol but cute but mostly annoying :')

Damien Chazelle is from Jersey, which is also where I'm from, so...I know he's a piece of shit. 

Loljk I loved Whiplash. I wonder if LLL is as good? Like Gosling is in it, but it's also...a musical. I like, maybe, three entire musicals lol so idk boutalladat. 

Denzel and his wife make me uncomfortable lol they always fighting. But anyway, Denze better win. Like Casey's rapin' ass prob will, but I hope veneers bae pulls an upset. 

Did you see Naomie Harris dragging her movie? lol is she a Capricorn? Lemme go check. Oh, a Virgo lol. Even worse, and makes super-sense!! 

I HATE Justin Timberlake. This is already SO FUCKING AWFUL!!! 

Is this the Grammy's bitch wtf

"I know you know this, Denzel" Boy, if u don't get ur cokehead ass off the stage...

I don't like Jimmy Kimmel. Lol I'm so sick how uninterested I am in mostly everything happening smh

I'm Mel Gibson's screaming internal rage smile waiting for the camera 2 get off my racist, crazy ass. 

They're referencing this Kimmel/Damon "beef" like everybody knows about this dumb shit..

Damn, drag this bitchboi...

Remember when that lady told Viggo every1 clapped the most for him? He was shook like u can tell he don't fuck with nobody lol it was so cute. 

Aw, remember when Dev was the ugly kid on Skins? lol. What a glo up. 

Yas first win for Moonlight which I haven't even seen!!!!!! :') Awwww he choking up so cuuuute pleeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzz

OJ Simpson, America's Sweetheart.

I love The Rock, but something seems lowkey wrong about him, right? Maybe it's the Hawaiian thing... lkijjnhbgbfvededtulonkmimoko

Yo, I've never seen Hamilton and never will, but........is it really a hip hopera about slaves? Lol ummm,m,mmmmmmmm

We at home don't care about the audience getting free snacks, but okay geaux aüf?? #hating&hungry

I really wanna see Arrival it looks lit and Amy is bae I just...hope she doesn't get fucked by an alien. #notready4that!!! 

Viola better win, LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Oh. if Naomie wins that's cool, too. BUT #VIOLA! Okay???? Damn, Naomie just slayed that clip hmmmmm 

I wanna see Manchester by the Sea but I feel weird cuz Casey a rapist. Imma just say I'm there for Michelle......

MY LONGEST YEA BOI FOR VIOLA, TURN UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

She looks so good in that red, smh. Yes, Viola's dramatic ass speech bitch slay I love you pleeeeeeeeeeeeez

I'm only half-watching this. I think imma tune out until an Important™ award comes up again. Wait, but can we talk about how The Apartment is mad boring? I hate when they hype dry ass old films. Like, This is a Classic™! Just because it's black & white don't mean it's lit, but I'm sleep!!!! 

Neaux uhfence........but pleez stop performing the nominated songs...

Awwww Gael's a tiny bb, and Hailee gave me the ultimate bop "Hell Nos & Headphones". I approve of these two presenters. 

Yo, I lowkey...fuck with Dakota Johnson??? Mmmm, for now. We'll see we'll see...

I'M THAT ONE GUY IGNORING THE WHITE CELEBRITIES!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Okay so I'm peeping Jimmy making repeat weird comments about ethnic names......... like, your name is Jimmy. What the fuck kind of name is that white bwoy

The Big Lebowski being like xanax is kind of a good description. 

My baby Riz!! We doing big things!!!! (lol who is "we" i need to die) omg Riz making that awkward comment about robots replacing actors idc if it was written on the teleprompt bitch that is sooooooo him 

I tried to watch The Jungle Book on Netflix but I thot I made a mistake and it was like one of those bad movies, so I turned it off. You know those bad movies u just randomly find on Netflix like....what is this. But apparently it's a ~legit~ film? Lol I guess I will try again sigh

I hate Seth Rogen like it's MY FUCKING JOB. Okay? Okay.

Okay Michael J come out and cleanse my palate of Seth's ugly, unfunny ass thank you. 

NO THE APPLAUSE IS NOT FOR YOU!!! lol i h8 him, sew much......

omg kill me pleaz

So La La Land not sweeping and, honestly? I feel alive. Anyway keep in mind I have never seen this movie but I know it's whack lol I just know it! I feel this in my brittle, calcium-deficient bones!! But wait, what's up with Hacksaw Ridge winning shit? Is that a good movie? I mean, Mel kind of delivers as a filmmaker, so maybe? We'll see!! 

Sunny Pawar is my soul and essence. I love his answers you can tell he just wants Jimmith to just GEAUX AWAY!!! 

Those "Mean Tweets" were kind of funny and the one about Miles was completely spot-on, but can we stop calling everyone who makes a not completely positive comment on the internet a "troll"? And I say this as a Legit Troll™, you are ruining our rep just lumping every1 in, thank u!!!!

John Legend to me is like if Martin Luther King had become a crooner instead of a civil rights activist and I don't know if that's a compliment or insult or complinsult. And also to whom it would be that for. 

Yo, lol I had NO IDEA Timberlake's song was nominated for an Oscie. I thot this nigga was just onstage dancing and singing for no motherfucking reason lol smfh. Still, I remain DISGUSTED. 

Rest in peace to the greatest actor of all time (Prince), who starred in the greatest cinematic achievement there ever was or EVER WILL BE (Purple Rain). 

Neaux uhfence, but.........when is this going off??? 

I cannot wait for this Feud show. It looks really bad though lol. And Jessica Lange as Joan? Mmmmm idk, girl. I love Jessica BUT I DON'T KNOW, GIRL!!!! 

This We Bought a Zoo gag....MIGHT be funny. "It's so...effort-full for him." I'm....gagging, tbh. Yo but this drag of Matty is too accurate for it to be "just jokes" I'm starting to peep game on Jimmy Bwoy lol

Do y'all think Ben and Matt fuck? It's prob mad dry and...hard lol. But can y'all believe these lunkheads have Oscars for WRITING? What a world! 

Kenneth Lonergan...like he makes movies where I am just like, okay... Like they're simultaneously massive and small and overly-complicated but ultra-basic and dry and boring but kind of interesting ultimately because so many negative things come together to make you want to watch? Kind of like Nicolas Cage but in movie form? Idk. 

 

All these clap claps for Amy BUT WHERE HER NOMS AND AWARDS? Fakes!! 

I...can't believe this is still on. 

Yo know what I'm annoyed about? Manchester by the Sea spoilers. Like now I know what happened with Casey's character and it seems like a major plot point? But that's nice of everyone to spill the tea before I could see it!!!

Also, why is Hacksaw Ridge giving me The Pacific teas? 

If Denz wins I'm throwing up!!

Mood is Denzel not caring about Casey talking about I "taught" him how to act. Boy, I don't know you......

This sucks though, I used to be a HUGE Casey stan and this win tonight would've made old Casey stan me feel SO EXCITED. Why niggas can't keep it together so I can love their work without feeling SICK TO MY STOMACH? Is it so hard? Ugh. 

Emma Stone being nominated for Best Actress and they show a clip of her being...exactly herself. Everything is white in the world. Right, I mean. RIGHT.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDNPINGN EMR THIS BLANK ASS WHITE FUCKING NON-ACTING ASS BTICH IUST WON BEST ACTRESS I'M FIN TO THROW UP AND FLING MY VOMIT AT THE SCREEN!! 

Ok, so my bitch ass got mad when they called La La Land 4 Best Pic, so I muted my TV & went to pee only to come back to see Warren Beatty's old ass done pulled a Steven Harvey and bitch I AM CHOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM CHOKING AT THE THOT OF THE LALALAND CREW GETTING UP TO GET THAT MUTHAFUCKING AWARD AND THEN HAVING TO SIT RIGHT THE MOTHERFUCK BACK DOWN BITCH GLORY BE PRAISE TO GOD OR SOME SHIT I FEEL SO ALIVE. This is extremely sad of me lol I have seen neither of these movies but boy oh boy, I am so happy. Now I just gotta actually see this movie to justify my stanning. Also gotta see La La Land to confirm it's basic. I know imma like it at least a little bit tho cuz I'm a Gosling stan...so I need to prepare to be THOROUGHLY EMBARRASSED FOR MINE SELF. But all in all, 2017 is already extremely lit, let's go. 

Rest in peace Bill Paxton. 

Macabre (1980)

Macabre. Very weird movie, but I expected this when I saw it was Italian horror but set in New Orleans. Shouldn't've been anything but.  

So I found out about this cool app that has like only horror movies, called Shudder. It's pretty cool and not even really expensive and no this isn't sponsored no one reads this fucking blog to be giving me sponsorships. I'm heated I have to pay the monthly like five dollars for the Shudder app on my own, I fucking wish, smh. But the app is pretty cool and I like just going on there and looking up weird shit to watch. Macabre was one of these weird shits. 

I don't typically like Italian movies, but if I am going to watch some over-dramatic ass Italian film, I will make sure it's a horror film. They at least do something intriguing with horror, but a lot of the times I be like...bitch... And also I have issues with like...dubbed speech. Shit bothers me, it never lines up with the mouth like do something about this lol fix it. I don't think there was dubbed speech in Macabre, besides like obvious post-production sound stuff. So I didn't have to be bothered by that while watching and could just kick back and enjoy the PURE BS.  

So this movie was kind of hilarious? Like it opens with some kids, a son and daughter playing in the yard. The father leaves for work or whatever. Then a bit later the mother comes out and tells the nanny or whatever to watch them, she's going out. The daughter whines because I think the mother promised them she'd take them to the movies or something, but she's like fuck off I have to go. 

1. It's clear the mom hates her kids and 

2. Is going to do an affair. 

It's just inherently funny to be dipping out on your kids to do an affair, and like pushing their heads out of the way as you run to your lover, idk it's just funny lol, but I'm a bad person, so.

I hated the daughter immediately. She's weird-looking and just has the most punchable face lol which is obviously the worst shit to be saying about a kid, but, sips tea, she was cast for a reason. I really think we're supposed to lowkey hate the daughter. I mean, she drowns her brother lol, so prob? So yeah like...she drowns the brother lol. Because she was mad at her mommy. And I guess this was her little revenge. The mom gets a call at the house she's doing her affair in about the son and like starts rushing home. Her lover is like I'll drive and they end up getting in an accident and he gets his head impaled and dies and then fast forward like a year to the mother being released from the mental hospital lol. High drama. 

So after the mother gets released from the loony bin, she goes to live in the house where she used to smash her lover. The house used to be run by some old woman, but she died, so now it's run by her blind son. So many things happening here that my feeble brain can't wrap up and explain as succinctly as I'd like, so bullet points:

1. Imdb is telling me the name of the blind dude was Robert Duval. Lol okay. He's played by this guy named Stanko Molnar who looks like a not as handsome, less masculine Terence Stamp. So like still hot, but kind of creepy? It was very on-brand, whatever that means idk I'm just saying shit at this point. 

2. It looked like Robert was being taken care of by his mother, so it's weird how he's just Okay now that she's dead. But maybe I was reading it wrong.

3. The main character woman is named Jane and she's weird as shit. She like gets her old sluttin' apartment back so she could do some weirdo seance, shrine shit for her dead boo. But like what about your son? Lol, well I guess she never really fucked with him like that, so moving on! 

4. Not sure what Jane be doing in her room, but she be having like orgasms and shit? Do she...be fucking the ghost of her dead bae, or just cumming to his memory? Either way, girl, you gotta move out!! 

Except not really, because Robert has a boner for Jane. But she be paying his ass dust for some damn decapitated head. Oh yeah, she snatched the decapitated head of her dead bae and like put it in her ice box. And like at night she takes the head out and constructs his body back together with pillows or something? And then fucks that...pile of like covers and pillows and shit? 

Blah blah Robert finds out about the head and keeps trying to tell on Jane. But he just calls her husband? Lol the husband be on the phone like I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HER, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT THAT BITCH!! Then the daughter in the mix making fun of Robert, saying how her mother will never love him and then some weirdo shit implying she wants to be her mother's girlfriend or side chick or something lol. But the gag is Jane is checking for none of you hoes? She has her head in the icebox, and y'all can stay mad.

Lemme just say: I have never been so happy than when Jane straight up murdered her daughter and that bitch stopped existing forever. She was annoying and DESERVED TO DIE. Now on to something that really matters! 

Wait - how did this movie end? Idk, stupidly probably. Like this blog post

The Automatic Hate (2015)

Oh my god lol. So right away when I read the description for this movie on Netflix, I knew this was about cousin fuckers. The description was something like blah blah a guy and then blah blah his cousin shows up and ~things get weird~. Perhaps a more stable, securely-hinged brain would think huh, maybe some old family secrets will be dredged up. Maybe a secret adoption. Lol!!!! NO!! THE COUSINS ARE GOING TO FUCK! YOU WOULD KNOW THIS RIGHT AWAY IF YOU HAD SCREAMING BANSHEE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD ALL DAY LIKE ME! STEP ASIDE, NEWB! 

Anyway, I am in so much pain. The Automatic Hate stars Joseph Cross whom I would  mistake for Shawn Ashmore way more if either of them were even remotely relevant, and he plays some dude named Davis. He has some girlfriend played by that ginger vampire chick from True Blood. She's all depressed or some shit blah blah who cares. Some weirdo Michelle Williams knock-off who's on my show Rectify tempting possible murderous bae Daniel, shows up and is all Lol I'm your cuz. 

Davis doesn't...know about any cousins. She says she's the daughter of some dude, who's apparently the brother of his dad, but Davis has never heard of his father having a brother, so um??? So there's some horrible family secret, right? Because Davis' dad doesn't even want to talk about this hidden brother, and when Davis tries to ask his grandfather in hospice about it I think he has like a panic attack? 

Davis decides to go to Alexis after kind of rejecting her at first, because he had no idea she even existed so wtf. Turns out ol' girl has two other sisters, so Davis is all amped because he has a bunch of cousins, yay! None of whom...I am assuming he's planning to fuck? 

Or, wait??? Because he definitely smashes one of them! The Michelle Williams knock-off, who was also a Radha Mitchell knock-off in one of the Silent Hill movies? Girl, you're played. But so is are you Shawn Ashmore? Of Frozen fame? Or was that the other Ashmore? Joseph Cross, so. 

Why did Davis and Alexis fuck? Oh they were watching some old home movies of their dads when they were younger. In the videos is a young woman with them and it's clear the way it was filmed they were both in love with her? Right away I guesstimated the chick was their sister? There's levels to this incest.  

Like we don't find out about the Secret Sister/Aunt or whatever until later, but Davis and Alexis still get hot off the home movies and smash. Natch. 

Anyway fast-forward to the grandfather dying and the Cousin Fuckers putting together a family reunion of sorts. Davis' dad and Alexis' dad haven't seen each other in years. Why? Because Alexis' dad used to smash their sister, and Davis' dad found out about it and like, told on them lol. So ol' girl killed herself, and then I guess Alexis' dad got banned from the fam. But did banning him stop the cycle of incest? LOL! 

There's some big fight when everything is exposed, and somehow in the ruckus Davis punches Alexis. Basically because she was about to open her mouth and spill the tea on them smashing shared DNA. Like, the most egregious thing in this movie was that he stone cold punched her out and no one was like Hey wtf... Like what do you mean? Who's punching bitches??? Not only is she a woman, but your lover and family lol, where do they do this? I was like, deeply upset? Like forget all that incest and how ugly everyone is lol, who told this boy he could hit a bitch??? I was like, OVER IT at this point. 

BUT WAIT TELL ME WHY!!! Okay so at the Big Confrontation, Davis' girlfriend was present. Bitch saw EVERYTHING. 

I don't understand! 

1. She saw him punch a bitch out

2. She CLEARLY saw that there was ~something weird~ going on between her boo and his couzo. 

Like even if she didn't have all the info concerning exactly WHAT was going on, um, the fact that ANYTHING was going on, should've been her cue to immediately cut ties with his weird ass? Never mind him like HITTING A BITCH!!! ??

So they have her at the end of the fucking movie, like, trying to ask him questions about his feelings concerning his cuz. Like, I guess, trying to figure out if she wanted to stay with him or not?

WHITE PEOPLE ARE INSANE!! Why didn't she just immediately leave him? I was trippin out, like this was so crazy to me. This bitch asked this piece of shit if he ever fantasized about smashing his blood and this pale face said Yes. LOL!! And she was just like okay....but did you ever DO ANYTHING with her and his bitch ass lied and was like Nah and she was like Okay everything's fine we're still baes!!!! I want to fucking die. 

Nekromantik (1987)

I watched this on my birthday. What I am doing, exactly? Not...totally sure. 

I had been wanting to see Nekromantik for ages. I've been in love with the poster forever and, for some reason, the *potential* of the story? Which I always knew was necrophilia-focused? Like what was I excited about for here? Idk, I guess I was getting "A Rose for Emily" tease? There's just something about a romance between an alive lunatic and been-dead skeletal corpse that does something to me.  

Couldn't explain to you why I am allowed to be alive, but I can explain even less why someone came up with the idea of this movie and then, like, decided to make it. And no one said stop or anything. Or, idk, maybe some people did. Way more people should have? But this is a German film, nein? So that explains in great detail, everything. Like, Germans did the Holocaust - Nekromantik pales quite a bit in comparison if we're being totally honest. Though I'm sure a lot of them would disagree. German burn blog, no one's safe! 

So this movie is about some guy whose name I forgot and he works...for a city morgue, I guess? He has a girlfriend and their kink is having threesomes with corpses? But like, not even corpses. Like basically just skeletons with goo on them. I could see like, a fresh corpse (WHAT?), but the shits they was smashing in the movie was just bones with slime. Like, it was mad gross. And okay so you're asking how do you have a threesome with a skeletal corpse? And I think the answer was...a car emergency brake? Like they used that for the dick? I...don't ever want to see this again. 

Like this movie was just gross. Lol, bitch, what...did you expect? Smh. But I could see a movie like this done in a less grainy, film-school sort of way and it being something interesting. I just straight up hated how this was filmed. Like if a more glam, or less German director remade this--OH MY GOD OR LIKE A JAPANESE OR KOREAN DIRECTOR? Full stop, please. But look, this idea really does have potential. I really want to not be like this, but this isn't...exactly a common topic. This could be done up as a pretty good horror film, or a pretty terrible, but secretly amazing comedy? Nekromantik was just...boring. And bad. And nasty as shit. I could see how a certain type of person would find appeal in it, though. But not my weird ass! 

You know what I really wasn't feeling? Even though this movie is about corpse-fucking? That dude killing that cat. And I am not even like...one of those people who loves animals over humans and is all weird about it. I hate all beings, but like, why are you killing a cat lol. Just doing shit to be doing it. LIKE I KNOW THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT NECROPHILIA, but uhhhhhh the corpses are like...already dead, so.......

So anyway I think I spent my 27th birthday wisely. Great start to the new year ay turn up!!!  :(