Girlboss (2017)

I thought I was going to hate this. Which is why I watched it. I love watching shit...to hate it? It's fun. But this actually wasn't that bad. I don't really know that NastyGal broad too much. I never bought any of the clothes or read any of the write-ups on her, so I'm in the dark for the most part. I did...hear about the hernia, for some reason. And how she stole clothes or something lol to sell on ebay blah blah. So I was able to get a small kind of impression on her, and that impression was #trash. But like that new kind of #trash. That post-Bridesmaids, Amy Schumer kind where it's like This is revolutionary! This is feminism! So people celebrate it a bit and you're like OMG, please no? & stop. 

 

So that's why I was excited to watch, because I'm thinking I'm fin to settle in and be thoroughly disgusted, which is very entertaining for me :) And honestly, the Sophia "character" is mad...awful? Like a bad friend and in general human being? I did not care about her being like not a great girlfriend, but her bae kinda knew what he was getting into from jumpstreet I think? Also he ended up cheating. It wasn't possible for me to care less because I already didn't care at all, but if it were possible to care less when you initially start out having zero cares, I would have. Cared less.

She was def douchey to her friend, Annie. I kind of...It took me a while to get into Annie lol. I just kept staring at her hair like...why is it like that? And then it kept increasing in confusion-making for me. But she was also mad annoying. Like when she was mad at Sophia for not having her in her Top 8 (my god), I was like lol is this bitch serious. But then they did a backstory thing and I was like awwww. And over the course of the series I was coming around to her. But she was still annoying and why does her boyfriend LOOK LIKE THAT. 

 

I kind of loved all the like 2005-2007ish? references? I think the series left off at 2008? But I was dying at them watching Marissa die (I weirdly never saw this even tho I watched The OC? Meh I was more a One Tree Hill kind of broad. It was just...better. But dying at them shading Summer). Also them talking about Britney's breakdown which pretty much spanned this timeframe, I think? And then like Myspace? And then like someone being able to create some massive business off Ebay? Lol, throwback.

 

My fave character was def Gail played by my bae Melanie Lynskey, so imma need more of her next season. But maybe that won't be feasible, since if the show is following close to real-life, NastyGal gets super big off of ebay, and that's where Gail came from. First of all can we talk about how I loved how they did them chatting in ebay forums? It was so fucking funny to me, especially the one talking in ALL CAPS. But wait can we discuss Sophia being kind of gross and ruining vintage clothes? Or I guess ~making them cooler~??? She was just snipping away I was like...omgggg lol. Like the edits she made to clothes in the show.........none of it was cute lol. They didn't show her doing that too much (good idea), but when they did I was unimpressed, at best. It was awkward. Like when she cut up that dress that was actually cute and made some...idk cover-up type of vest thing for her friend and belted it? Vomitrotious. And that vintage dress Gail really loved was mad ugly to start with, but Sophia just made it uglier? Idk girl, I'm not sure what's going on. But maybe the NastyGal aesthetic is just not for me. I mean, it's called NastyGal. Y'all being too white for me. 

So my #whitebae Hank from Breaking Bad, Dean Norris, plays Sophia's dad and they have an awkward, like non-connected sort of relationship, but it's kind of sweet? Or slowburn sweet, maybe? Idk, we'll see. But meeting Sophia's mom and seeing how fucking tragic she is, it shines the dad in this...like way better light lol. It shows he's her foundation etc. Like her visiting her mom for Christmas and it being a mess and then she ends up having dinner with her dad I was like awww. But if Sophia is anything like her mother (seems a lot like? tragic), she may eventually completely separate from her dad, like her mom, and I am absolutely not here for that storyline. Wait - is this show getting a second season? Um, it better? Sophia will only get worse the more successful she becomes and I need all of that, thanks! 

No, because I really like the series and think it's good. Well-written, maybe? And probably good acting? Can't tell, but if Britt Robertson is nothing like Sophia, then yeah good acting. And this shit is just intriguing and I want more. I hope they keep the gay dude and his mom; make up some contrived reasons for them to be around like they did with them at the end of the season lol. Um...that scary robot model chick they work with. Bettina. Need more of that. More of my #baldbae Dean. More RuPaul because it's RuPaul. And hopefully none of Shane who was sketch from day one when he was talking about how crazy his ex was and Sophia was like was she crazy or were u just a cheater and it was like boom, roasted, but broad you went on to date the dude (and for two years??!), so let's not. 

Anyway is it weird to see your horrible self a bit in Sophia and feel uncomfortable about yourself and think hmm maybe I should be in therapy but then you think how if you go to therapy you'll just be cracking jokes or tryna Elliot Anderson your therapist so it's just a complete fucking waste of time, as well as life? This blog deserves a nobel peace prize, honestly.

Wait, smh, I just saw Netflix cancelled this shit. OKAY. 

He handed him her vagina?!?!

So what the fuck was Koob talking about? He was like wildly lying, right? Lol what the fuck. What was he talking about when he said the cops handed him Cathy's vagina wrapped up in newspaper or whatever? Was that a metaphor? Does he expect me to believe they cut out her whole vagina to shove in his face and intimidate him with? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy wasn't his weird ass looked into more? And then that weird letter they said Cathy wrote. She wants him inside her?? A part of me thinks, if she wrote it, she was writing it in a Sufjan Stevensy sort of way. Like how she wants God ~inside her~, but also in a sexual way, so still bad. And sus. What if Koob really did ask Cathy to marry him and she was like lol nahhhhhh...so he murked her? But I get gay teas from him, so even more motive! Like if he was tryna get a beard. But...why would a priest need a beard? If maybe he was doing gay shit and wanted to like ~make up for it~ by getting a wife? Also I kinda feel like everyone at the school knew what that man was doing. And I am completely forgetting his name. That fat Irish dude the whole doc was about. You know who I'm talking about! What if Koob was involved? But wouldn't the kids have said something? It's annoying to me that a lot of significant people involved are dead and can't say shit, and also that Jean ~couldn't remember~ that Bob dude.

Okay but before we get into Jane Doe, like KOOB LIED ABOUT WHERE HE WAS THAT NIGHT, NO? Also, a priest going to see Easy Rider??? And didn't anyone think it was weird how when he first was talking about the night he made sure to say what they had gone to see? Something about it seemed very over-rehearsed alibi. But that's just me. 

This shit was wild from start to finish. So things started to get extra fucking real immediately in the second episode when we meet Jean aka Jane Doe. She telling all these horrific, sordid details of what that man was doing to her and I'm like................................ Okay, and like. I don't know. But a lot of times, I felt...Jean was...mmmmmmmmmmm not necessarily lying, but like...I was getting vibes she was like really into talking about this? A lot of times watching I would get the feeling she was pretending to be more...what can I say? Upset...by the events than she actually was. Like how one girl said they saw the Father as kind of their boyfriend and it was this more grey thing than them just outright recognizing it as abuse, or "bad"? I got the feeling she felt some allegiance to him, and also was playing more disgusted than she completely really felt. BUT THEN I FELT BAD like...thinking this, and over-analyzing her. But lowkey if I was her therapist I would think she were putting on a show. Like remember that one time she ~burst into tears~? That looked fake as fuck. Like she thought at that moment she was expected to break down, but wasn't really feeling it. But at the same time I acknowledge she's been horrifically abused, and all that was happening during her developing years, so she turned out a certain kind of way because of that, and that's probably what I am picking up on the most. BUT! I feel like the two main women (forget their names smh) researching this, kind of felt...maybe hesitant about Jean as well, but I remember the more introverted one saying how she couldn't see any reason why Jean would be putting herself through all this and I ultimately agreed. 

 

And like Jean's words, mixed with that like one foto they kept showing of Father Ohoolihan or whatever's face, really drove home the point. You can just look in his face and see he was insane and like super awful. But it's wild how he was just going the fuck in on like, whoever. Like he diddled the school boys, and the teen broads. This nigga was just fucking people's lives up just to be doing it.  

Okay, but who killed Sister Cathy? Prob those two dolts, right? Billy and his friend/lover? I forgot the names. But it was that gay dude who killed himself and he had that creepy nun's habit in his attic, and then that old drunk dude they were talking to. The necklace turned out having significance to Cathy's sister, so I def think it belonged to her, and he got it from when he fucking killed her and dumped her body. It makes the most sense that Father Molester or whatever would hand off a job like that to underlings. Though you wonder how Billy, etc got mixed up with that. Were they some of the people the Father would let in to do stuff with the girls? Did they know the Father from other dealings? Maybe he had blackmail on them, for gay shit, etc. There's so much more that needs to be known and like so much information is "lost", or people won't say.

WHAT WAS IN THAT LETTER??? And why...I don't mean to be rude, but why would Cathy's sister just hand it off to some person not even in a police uniform? I'm also side-eyeing the dad, lowkey. And it just got "lost". That's annoying and everything is so incredibly suspicious and I'm lowkey side-eyeing just about everyone who participated in this doc. Also what was up with that one black woman literally I forgot everyone's name, but she was in charge of investigations maybe? Def the person who could say let's investigate this crazy dude for raping all these kids and doing a sex trafficking ring and killing this nun and prob that other chick. When she talked about her red convertible. Like, how she rolled up to look at those files he was trying to bury, I was shocked. Like, you can't be this horrible. No one cares about your ghetto ass material acquirings, ho, WAS THERE ENOUGH EVIDENCE IN THOSE FILES TO CHARGE THIS DUDE? This bitch talmbout no. Even if there were no photos, WHICH I HIGHLY DOUBT!!, weren't those files of all the recordings the dude had on his victims? Like the shit typed up during the "sessions", etc? How is that not enough evidence. All that shit creepy and inappropriate as fuck. I'm truly stunned, but not really.  

Do you think Jean actually saw Cathy's body? I think? But I'm bugging that she would go with Father Whatever to see her body. Did she not realize that he was taking her to see a body? Maybe not, but why would she even go with him? I'd be scared as fuck wtf. Like she knew Cathy was missing and here he turns up like ~want to see her??~~. Jean kept saying she was super-naive, and like, yeah! Or maybe it was diff back then? But I always side-eye people who say that, because kidnapping and murder and rape and etc etc have been alive since the dawn of time, so it's weird when it's like ~we never locked our doors~, never mind the fact that most of these crimes are committed by people you know who already have a key, but that's neither here nor there!! 

BUT THE MAGGOTS!! They were all, it was winter. But then the researchers found out it was like in the sixties during that time, so maggots being on the face would be a thing. BUT I'M STILL DYING AT HOW JEAN JUST FOLLOWED THIS CRAZY DUDE INTO THE FUCKING WOODS LIKE NO BIGGIE!! This is one of the things that made me think she wasn't all the way right in her thinking concerning him, but blah blah of course of course. Anyway I feel bad her husband is dead that's fucked up, and I'm also annoyed she stopped him from killing that priest cuz it def seemed like he for sure woulda done it. 

So so many things bothered me here, but one thing that really got to me was that one dude at the end, Wilson I think his name was? Who was trying to get a bill voted for. Something about extending the statute of limitations on sex crimes. I don't understand why it was voted against, but no, I do. The church was sending their people out against it, because they know they have these freaks all up in their system just tearing through these kids and it takes them til their forties or so to get it to fucking gether and come for their abusers, and the church knows this and is betting on this, to save their asses, instead of making change within their organization to fix this problem. And then the church is all mixed up in the state, so they get in the way of the bill even getting to be seen or whatever and this is all wildly disturbing. And miss me with the opposers of this bill trying to couch their stance in like ~the sooner they come out the faster the abuser can be caught and taken off the streets~ or whatever. Or it would just be cool for them to not get raped and abused at all, and for systems to be in place to prevent it from happening in the future? :') But I want to know why this statute of limitations thing even exists in the first place? What purpose does this serve? Probably something horrible, I don't want to know! 

I don't know why I watch these things, they disturb the spirit, but at the same time I feel it's good to know where you stand, and the best way to know that is to know where everyone else stands. So this ultimately was a pretty good sort of docuseries, but like all docuseries, it left me unsatisfied. Like the two murders weren't solved and nobody had to pay for their crimes? What is the justice system even for?? I be watching all these true crime shits snd it's just incompetency after incompetency. But then again, no one makes docs about when the justice system works. But maybe it never works and that's why :') You know what I'm mad about? How lit Serial season 1 was and then it randomly moved to Pandora and no one too much watched that shit and it's like, what a way to blow a property. But I've been finding some replacements. But also I just saw someone in a magazine recommend some podcast about Richard Simmons' disappearance as a Serial equivalent with a completely straight face type-tone. Let's be real, shit is bleak. Also, leave that man and his stretch capris alone. Just rude. 

 

OINTB, s5

So I actually really loved this season, I think. I didn't know what to expect after they killed off my bae Poussey. I was just thinking...like how are they just gonna have a regular ole season after her death? Like I thought they were just gonna jump into things, per usual, with some acknowledgments here and there concerning what went down last season, but literally all of this season was the immediate aftermath of what happened, and I was glad. I was watching the first couple of eps of this season and remember hoping they dragged the riot shit out for a while, but I wasn't expecting them to do it the whole season. It was pretty cool, and interesting that they did. I also felt it was probably the most appropriate/best response to deleting a fan favorite in such a horrible way. 

Okay so time for me to start going in on everything even though I mostly enjoyed this season and it was prob my fave after the Vee season (resurrect Vee, btw):

-I felt like Piper and Alex...Okay. I like Alex. I don't...care about her terrible relationship with Piper. Like on her own she interests me, so I don't really get irritated too much about her, but Piper annoys me mostly. This season it wasn't too bad with either of them tho, and I kind of liked them showing Alex as a reluctant or unintentional leader. That's very her. Also she's tall and has a deep voice and is lowkey bae, but we don't need to get into that. But look. Like ultimately? Piper and Alex could be completely written off at this point. No one needs this anymore. But again lol it wasn't that bad this season so fine. 

-I need way more Frieda. Her backstory was definitely my favorite, and I need way more of it. I kind of hate when the show does flashbacks but not of why a prisoner ended up in prison (like with the Muslim one). It sounds like she's been in priz for a minute. I want to assume she murked someone. But prob out of self-defense, prob. Maybe she killed her crazy ass daddy. BUT I DON'T KNOW, DO I? How about you tell me?? K thanks.

-Why am I talking about the white ones first? Idk, but...Nicky, that's bae. I've kinda loved Natasha Lyonne a lot since I watched Slums of Beverly Hills at like two in the morning once when I was twelve and I have just been here for whatever incredible disaster she has going on since. Love her as Nicky, but they didn't do too much with her this season. I kind of don't like how mad she gets at Lorna? Like you know she's not really where you are with the whole lesbian romance thing, never mind the fact that you're on drugs all the time usually? It just seemed like misplaced anger at Lorna this season. Like when Lorna was telling her she was preg and Nicky started going off about her being crazy and pathetic. I was like okay.... Like please you already knew this? Why you acting brand new now? Maybe cuz she was sober? Idk, but eyeroll. 

-I want Lorna to have happiness and love with her bae :/ I know she crazy and he's...him, but I ship it. It's beautiful :') But Jesus Christmas pray for that little Italian bean. 

-The best part about Red this season was Eyebrows calling her the Heat Miser, and imma just leave it at that. Wait - no. I felt her flashback was weak and also I was like "???". I thought the other girl was going to be the one playing Red, but then the skinny little one pulled off her scarf and she shook her hair out and I almost laughed? Like lol, I guess. But writing about it now I realize it was to make Piscatella shaving off her head more...impactful? Like Red is Samson or some shit. She was weak as hell this season. But she's weak in general, tbh, but it was making me uncomfy how she was just drugged up every episode and acting crazy running around posting up those pics of Pissy and his decorative table settings smh like girl who cares

-The meth heads are annoying. 

-I love Pennsatucky. Remember how she started on the show? I feel like Taryn Manning's performance is mad underrated?? Or maybe I don't read enough and people praise her a lot? I just feel she's like...completely in this role, it's insane. But anyway, are they really doing a woman romances her rapist storyline? I mean, really? A part of me barely cares, because I think Penn is in prison 4 lyfe, so...what else she got to do, you know? But she's one of the characters that really makes me want the next season cuz it's like what now?? If they do some storyline like she doesn't go back to prison and her rapist becomes her ~protector~ imma know these writers have a lot of problems that they aren't trying to work out through the writing, but trying to, like, luxuriate in. Like jerking off to their terribleness. I'm very excited.  

-I love the skinheads and that nationalist lol. Ummm, but I don't like when they remind me they're white supremacists :/ lol it's like YIKES!!!. But they're funny please I don't want to be like this.

-Is Daya gone? because I'm over it. Was that Dascha's in real life daughter who played flashback her? I know that broad has like thirty year old kids lol. That girl looked and vibed exactly like her. Two little, non-acting Eeyores. Daya is whack for shooting the guard in his leg instead of his face and then tapping out of the riot like she didn't start it and then turning herself in. I mean, I guess she wouldn't have had to had the Golden Corral version of Martha Stewart not put her on blast, but why raise your hand? Maybe to get her off the show? If her raising her hand gets her off the show, then fine lol. Like, enough. Wait but can we talk about Daya's flashback with that Puerto dude being into that white ass girl lol and his rejection of Daya at the club. I don't know why, but all that was really funny. Maybe it was the actors. It looked like some after school special like warning latino dudes about their latina girl friends who feel entitled to them or something lol idk but it was hilarious but can we talk about how the real star of this show is Cesar? He had like one line and brought the fucking house down lol what an EYEKON. 

-I love Maria? Like I root for her. I want her to be with her family. I love her husband, too, how he cares about the baby and is quiet and all loyal and shit. I feel like one of those people getting all excited about a nigga doing regular shit, but it really makes me root for their love and their family. Wow, but ol boy's mom was kinda hot, right? Lol let's not do that right now. But look. I did not even care about Maria betraying Gloria, and like, literally everyone at the prison omg. I did not care. I wanted her to see her baby. And she did :') And I was happy :') But it was pretty fucked up :') 

-I felt bad for Gloria and her son and I hope he's okay but I am dying at her knocking Daya's stupid ass unconscious with that big ass like paper weight or whatever. Daya mentioned her head hurt multiple times and I don't know, but that shit was super funny to me. Like ol' girl coulda died I'm fucking crying.

-The whole Flaritza thing seemed lowkey offensive? But it was in keeping with their characters. Maritza had some good comedic moments, per ush. But hopefully next season they will get a little bit more to do, especially with them being possibly separated.

-I like the ne--I was gonna say I like some of the new ~HisPANIc Ones~*~, but idk. They're kind of annoying? And mad short lol idk why that's a negative, but it is. They add something to the story, though, so I'm not complaining yet. Loved when that one did impressions, that was pretty funny. My favorite thing about them, though, is how i don't know their names :')  

-It was weird how my bae Eyebrows was kicking it with Red & them the whole seaz? But I love her so idc where she at, long as she there. 

-So I've always liked Taystee, but I never thought Danielle Brooks was especially good at acting. From the beginning there has been some choppy acting with a lot of the prisoners, but if they were cute/funny/and or intriguing, I didn't care too much. Taystee is super-charming, of course, so Danielle isn't giving me Viola Davis, but she's appealing and amusing and it's fine. However, this season I felt she was almost giving me a performance. Which sounds...like insulting lol, but I mean it as a compliment mostly. It was pretty good. I was getting emotional and shit. But the most emotional I got was seeing Poussey come around from that shelf in the library. I was bouta cry? Lol. Felt some type of way!! And I loved how they showed Taystee was the one who was closest to Poussey, because, TBH, it was a competition and I didn't like how Asian Shailene Woodley was tryna act like she knew Poussey the best-most when she was only letting her eat her out for a second and a half. Girl, bye!! But anyway Taystee fucked up majorly with that deal lol like smh and WTF. Went from 0 to 100 extra quick in terms of promise for the future of the prisoners, smh. It's gone be on some other shit now. Good job!! (It's called SARCASM) 

-Black Cindy is Black Cindy, but can we get her talking about her daughter, please? Like, let's get into that!

-I have...no idea what the Muslim One™'s name is, and my lazy ass could look it up, but I'm not! Anyway I like her, but like WHAT. Do Muslims really be doing that Big Love type shit? I NEED MORE STORY ABOUT THIS! Lol and how she gon' act all hurt about the new wife assimilating successfully in the family? She didn't want a wife, she wanted a nanny, and it's like, girl...those exist? Like nannies exist?? So. BUT HOW DID SHE END UP IN PRIZ. Did they explain? Nah, I felt like I woulda remembered? Anyway her husband was cute. Pretend I put the eyeball emoji. 

-Um, can Janae get more lines? OKAY GREAT THANKS. But omfg...............................................White Dreamgirls........was the worst/best thing I have ever seen. That soulless ass And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going cut with baby Janae fucking crying HAD ME CHOKING!!!!! I was FUCKING DYING THAT WAS SO FUCKING FUNNY ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? And great! Now I need an actual White Dreamgirls. Can you imagine how awful? Please cast Gwyneth Paltrow as Effie White. No, I NEED THIS, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!! 

-Instead of killing off Suzanne and her lacefront slave hair, you got rid of Poussey, whose character you can actually do something with? Oh okay! No, fucking Samira Wiley smashing the writers or some shit and now she on Hulu, so that's why. SURE! FINE! Suzanne is annoying. And like, extremely disturbing? I thought it was cute when she was doing the massage thing with the guards but then those (latinos?) tied her up and she was crying and I know I should be most annoyed with them but I just...can't with her lol, like...enough. And when she wasn't helping her friend with the face infection and when she was causing that commotion about the dead guard...sigh. I was reading someone else's write-up about this season and they were saying how they lowkey hoped Black Cindy killed Crazy with the lithium and I was agreeing hard as shit, cept I highkey hoped, foh. But I feel weird because I know crazycrazy people exist and have people like me being like ugh, Enough.... lol. And like I'm crazy, too, but not medication crazy, so I feel bad being annoyed. Actually, I prob should be on medication? I always feel like I'm itching inside. That's probably not supposed to be happening...

-Can yall stop talking about Caputo's dick? I can't smash a fictional character, so it's just doing nothing for me.

-But yo, there was like mad dicks on screen this season? Lol I think they just showed that guard's little peepee and then caputo's monster coke can dick lol, but I was like WHOA DICKS. Cuz you don't see them that much. Or, I don't. I'm a virgin..

-Um, but can we talk about how the highlight of the whole season was that sus guard and his strip routine. AS SOON AS he mentioned what he did in college to make money, I WAS FUCKING READY. Lol I was getting my life?? LIKE..........!!! It was funny and cute and I kinda lowkey wanna see more of him? Or just like, more stripping men. No I'm jk that shit usually makes me uncomfortable. Like Magic Mike mad me feel like I needed to start doing heroin. I don't know...like, how to...who to ask to get sum? Do you just walk up to whoever's standing outside of Walgreens? Sigh, Wagreens is gross.

-Did I feel bad for Piscatella cuz his baefriend at the old priz he worked at was beaten and raped? No because he killed that dude with a hot ass shower, and so he got his vengeance and now that's over and it's time to move on, you big bitch! Like him breaking Alex's arm was for what?? Str8 whilin. Was anyone else mad that Taystee didn't kill him? lol like why not? He ended up getting killed anyway, smh it would've have more impact had she done it. Cop out! 

-So did all them in the pool get blowned up????? Maybe? I don't even think I really care? What if like next season it was all new people? Lol I would be hype. Keep the stripping guard, though, we need...to see more of him. His backstory and stuff, nothing weird! 

-Oh, I forgot to talk about Bailey. Is that his name? He was whack. You got off from killing someone, take your second chance and shut your bitch ass up. It was almost satisfying when he had his confrontation with Poussey's dad. He was like do you want me to validate your guilt? Nah!!!! So that was just a nice feeling for me but lowkey he shoulda shot Bailey for trespassing on his property and then not go to jail for it, cuz I think that's legal :) But maybe only when white people do it? :/

-lol but did anyone else notice similarities between this show and Kimmy Schmidt this season? Literally Kimmy Schmidt had a scene at the actual prison lol I wonder if Netflix made them do that? lol smh. Like when I was watching Chappelle's stand-up he just randomly shouted out Making a Murderer. I was fucking...dying (like Teresa when Steven was prob killing her) (I might have switched sides concerning Steven's guilt) (he sus).

Kevin Hart: What Now? (2016) & etc

So over the course of two tired ass days, I made the mistake of watching a handful of comedy specials on Netflix. Sometimes when I'm mad tired but like too tired to sleep? I'll just watch like stand-up shit. I don't know, but please help me. 

So on...Tuesday, I finally broke down and watched those new Chappelle stand-ups. I was mad nervous, because he's like my fave, but I haven't seen anything from him in a minute and I was just like oh god...what's this gonna be. Like I see pics of Dave currently and he looks like Bokeem Woodbine's alcoholic uncle-daddy, and for some reason that made me think he fell all the way off in as many ways as one possibly can fall all the fucking way off. 

The stand-up specials...weren't impressive. I'm watching and thinking that Dave hasn't really grown. That being said, they made me happy. I like the way he tells stories, so even if the jokes aren't like super hard-hitting or whatever, I am just happy to be along for the ride, so after churning through those two specials I was kinda feeling empty like What Now? (FORESHADOWING!!). Dave has a deal with Netflix, right? Like I heard he had the deal for the specials, but also to do other things? God I hope so. My whining ass needs so much more. 

So it's the next day and I feel dead inside. That's usual every day shit for me lol it wasn't really cuz of Dave but let's blame him because he has weed lips :') Okay so I decide to watch Louie CK's newest special. I don't want to like Louie CK, but he...I love him :/ I just do. I LOVE his show. It's my fave type of show: mad pretentious. Like, that's my FAVORITE thing. Do you understand? So I'm pretty happy he exists. But he's like some fat white bald dude, and apparently like half Mexican? Like WTF none of this should be anything I'm here for, you know what I mean? But can we talk about...like okay so I watch his show, right? Louie's dad on the show was Mexican, but I thought it was like how he made his ex-wife black. Him just being all ~artsy~ or whatever. I didn't actually think he in real life had a Mexican dad. Like smh, but if you look like really hard in his face (DON'T) you can kinda see. 

So...Louie's stand-up--OKAY. So after Louie I watched Kevin Hart's whole ass stand-up movie smh. He had my barely acting bae Halle and my good acting bae Don Cheeto in it and like special effects and thunder sounds and shit lol and like all I can really think the whole time is...how many times do I have to hear Kevin Hart talk about his son's FLOPS? You know what I mean? You probably don't if you've only seen like...this movie and none of his other stand up. Why have I seen so much Kevin Hart stand-up?? What the fuck am...what the fuck am I doing? When Kevin Hart first was getting big...I guess I was getting into it? You know those specials he had and I think like Shaq or whatever was in the audience? They were funny.. I think around that time prob Katt Williams was my fave (<.<), and like...I would watch Katt stand up and then be depressed because it was over lol so I'd try to satiate myself with Kevin stand-up. Katt is like...Taco Bell. And Kevin is...Great Value...frozen bean burritos? I guess. Like not even meat or anything. Just like two different beans. And it's like...fine. This has protein probably. But Taco Bell will put like a quarter of a teaspoon of what might be pico de gallo on your shit, so, you know? Like a thousand times better. But whatever, Kevin's fine. But now he's like super-huge and...i don't know. Katt's funnier, but because he won't let some illuminati crow-man peg him with a pogo-stick that has Swarovski crystals on it, he can't be Great? Lame. 

Louie's stand-up, of the three dudes, was the strongest. Most concise and overall funniest. Y'all can't be out here letting this halfxican be funnier than you. It's wrong and uncomfortable-making for everyone. But I'll give Kevin a pass maybe. Didn't before he became a ~funnyman~ he used to work at Foot Locker? Most people who've worked at Foot Locker don't ever get to be described as someone who "used" to work there. It seems you live and die in that striped shirt, you know? So Kevin, who is like the size of a fucking Lego Man, has come pretty far. So I'm not gonna come for him too much. He still corny tho lol. 

The one off-thing for me with Louie's stand-up was the voices. None of that needed to be happening. And I mean none of it. But I still laughed, so what are we really doing here? Dave had wayyyy more off bits in his sets. Like, a lot lol. But I liked his the best idk!!! What I liked the mostest about all three of them were the jokes about their kids. I feel it's the strongest material they have, maybe? I don't know, it just is for me. Like my fave thing Dave did was the bit about him and his son going to see Kevin. He coulda did like thirty minutes on that and I would have been perfectly happy. Even Kevin, who seems repeaty about his kids, especially his son - like those are his best bits, so I can see why he sticks to them. Though I also really liked the Starbucks thing, but that needed some cleaning up. 

It was weird though to watch Kevin's stand-up, after Dave and Louie's. Like kind of an awkward chasm of like....talent? Idk. Kevin is just...extra corny and extra-extra lol. Like it's funny sometimes but he taking it too far, I think? Or...The People, I guess? With hyping him. But they love it, so what can you say lol idk. It's fine. But can we talk about Dave's ~jealousy~~~~~~~?????? Like...he was the biggest. And then he gave it all up. LIKE, miss me with tryna complain about Key & Peele, you know? No one told you to sprint your goofy looking ass to Africa. If shit was getting weird, he shoulda stayed his ass here and unweirded it. He's whack, and if he ends up on Dancing with the Stars imma laugh, and then be upset that I'll have to watch the show. I've never seen one episode of that show because the title is a lie. Call me when you got fuckin uhhhhhhhh Meryl Streep or some shit up there. But anyway, let's just all be happy Carlos Mencia stopped happening. And I think Dane Cook did, too. Very good, everyone. 

---

Kevin Hart: What Now?

The Main Event (1979)

I have a crush on Barbra Streisand. She's sexy, with her nose and nails and oft-times (at least before the nineties) confusing coiffure. So I like watch her movies just to watch her. There are worse things, okay, so let's just...move on. 

This movie...was bad. First of all, Ryan O'Neal is in it. Every time I look at Ryan O'Neal all I can think about is how awful of a father and human he is, and how he prob lowkey killed Farrah Fawcett. He's just, like, a demon. Or a white dude, whatever. Tomato schomato! So idk why I...watch things he's in. He's just one of those where I can't see past their monsterness. Like Kirk Douglas, or Will Smith. But I had to see this. Actually, I wanted to see What's Up, Doc? and for two seconds I thought maybe this was that, but quickly learned it wasn't, but was like okay fine can't find What's Up, Doc?, next best thing is...whatever the fuck this is.

What is this? Barbra plays some CEO or some shit of a fragrance company. She's rich, and then she's not when her manager or accountant or ex-husband or who the fuck ever tells her some dude ran away with all her funds? Or made poor investments for her? Or some other money jargon that I barely paid attention to. Just know Babs loses all her money. The only asset she has left is a boxer, played by Ryan O'Neal. I guess for some sort of tax purposes reason, she was advised to get rid of some of her money through buying this dude's contract. Ryan, who is obviously not a dude beating anyone up in a ring, but maybe in a marriage or crib, is not actually a fighter. Well, he used to be. But he realized he sucked or got weak or whatever, so is just chilling and collecting his paycheck from Babs. 

Okay but she lost all her money, so no more paycheck. Babs gets it in her head, as clearly a desperate attempt, to go and visit Ryan at the boxing ring where he mostly just plays cards, and ask him for the money he owes her. I know I'm dumb, like, really dumb, but there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of logic being applied here. Lowkey it seems a lot of random shit is being made up, just to kind of have some shit to say until we can get Barbra and Ryan in a room and have the ~*~sparks fly~*~. 

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Wasn't feeling the chemistry between the two. Like their first meeting, I was kind of over the whole movie at this point. We're like twenty minutes in and I'm like....mmm no thanks. You know who I would have liked as the boxer? James Caan. Not sure if it would be believable--Like, there was a huge Loser element to the boxer character. Ryan O'Neal plays that well, obviously, but not like at all the boxer part? And then the being a believable romantic sparring partner for Babs??? James would slay that, I think? I mean, the chem between Babs and Ryan wasn't completely non-existent, and I did start getting into their little white people thing as the movie moved on, but definitely initially I wasn't seeing it, and I feel that was kind of important? Cuz you know it's gonna be some romance shit, so I want to see it immediately, not have to cringingly force myself to squint its existence into place so I can make the viewing experience slightly less unbearable. That's not how any of this is supposed to work. 

So, natch, Babs figures a way for her to make money: Ryan will go out and do boxing and win championships or whatever. Okay, sis, just kill him and sell his organs. Like at this point you just making everyone uncomfortable with your embarrassing ass attempts to not have to resort to trying to sell your soul on ebay, and then ebay taking the listing down citing fraud or something, because they know you don't really have one to sell. 

Ryan is not good at fighting because he is white and Ryan O'Neal. So he's losing and it's embarrassing. I guess he gets better at some point? Idk, but some money man comes on the scene, and implies that the moneymaker of their situation, is Babs and Ryan's contentious relationship. He suggests that's more intriguing and marketable than Ryan's comeback? I agree, I guess? But if you watch the movie it's just all really fucking stupid, so ultimately the moneymaker is everyone pretending this movie never existed, and moving on :)

Wait, can we talk about that weird stuff with Babs being the only woman in the cabin with all those dudes. And like, all black and some latino dudes????????????????? And she was all scared they were gonna rape her. And then it was implied they definitely were planning on it until some old head was like cum on guys!! And they didn't? But they clearly wanted to????????????????

The seventies, man.

This movie was bad. 

But watch it so you have to see with your eyes what burned mine own. I will not go down alone.

---

The Main Event

Wherein I Try 2 Remember a Movie I Seent Months Ago, Ep 2: The Watcher (2016)

So there's a black dude and a white chick and they're moving into a new home. The black dude is played by that zesty, dread-having vampire from Twilight, so you know immediately not to care about what happens to them.  

There's some creepy neighbor lady with a slowbus son who is like around all the time. Delivering cookies and shit and just being kind of a lowkey intrusion on the couple. It's like right away obvious that the neighbor lady is nefarious. This is one of those ~creepy house happenings~ type movies, but you can kinda gleam immediately that this isn't going to be a haunted house type of deal. Like as soon as we meet the neighbor lady she is instantly creepy, but being fake like she's just a long-suffering mom to some idiot son. It's like...it was obvious she wasn't a red herring (though she kind of was??), it was just obvious, whatever weird shit that was about to happen, would involve her somehow.  

So the neighbor lady is poisoning the Woman Lead slowly over time. I don't know if the movie like doesn't want us to know this, but they do all these ominous, not at all subtle close-ups on the food as the woman is getting sicker and sicker and it's like, kaduh.  Then there's all this weird stuff with some bird person. It's like some giant bird haunting the house, I guess? Anyway, DUH, turns out all the happenings were being caused by the neighbor lady. Her backstory was wild whack, too. Like, the house the lead couple moved into, the neighbor lady has been trying to get since like the seventies. I think her family used to have it, but it was taken from them maybe or went into foreclosure? And maybe apparently she was supposed to have the house at one point, but an Asian couple moved in before she could get it. SOOO she starts poisoning the wife half of that Asian couple, and then when she gets super-sick, she poses as a nurse so she can get into the house and further sicken the woman until she dies. Those were the previous inhabitants of the house, then the current swirl couple moves in. 

I guess the crazy neighbor bitch tried to get the house after the Asian couple evacuated, but lost the bid to cookies and cream? And it's like, maybe chill? Lol, like for two seconds of your life, take a fucking chill pill. Whose crazy ass is spending mad time tryna poison people to death so they move out of a house you feel you deserve to own? Like, all that time you're spending shopping for poisoning and crazy bitch supplies, you could be making more money for your house-buying savings, or, I DON'T KNOW, getting your ass on zillow and finding another house???? Lol, like, what is you doing??

So towards the end, everyone finds out about the neighbor lady and her crazy schemes. The one black dude from Twilight the whole time was never really feeling the neighbor lady. He got them nigga spidey senses. Crazy bitch alert. But his wife was one of them, so couldn't see. She just saw another fellow WW and was all :). STUPID!  

But PLOT TWIST, I guess?, turns out her slow bus son was like the mastermind behind all the crazy shit? I don't think so, though? I'm pretty sure it was mostly the mom? But maybe the son did some things? Lol they tried to pull a ~he's not really a retard he's Keyser Söze~>~> type deal where he switched from drooling to sneering with menace and pleasurement. And they implied he was the one killing everyone??? Um idk because it clearly seemed like it was just the mom. All of that was dumb, I think.

But check this. Ol' Ebony and Ivory head asses fucking, like, adopt this kid. Lol and this is a big bitch. This is practically a grown man. They're like you'll never be harmed again, and he in the backseat grinning to himself in an evil way and you know these idiots gon' get burned (like literally set on fire - i think the movie explained he was an arsonist?). But you don't care because you didn't connect to the main characters. Mainly cuz that n-word from Twilight had like a small fro and his hairline looked weird and there's just always something off about the interracial relationships in movies. Like they get the darkest dude lol and then some corny, Melissa George knock-off and you're like, girl hurry up and human centipede these fools or whatever so I can write my shitty blogpost about it and never think about this mess ever again. k great thanks :) no thank youuu!! thanks!!!

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The Watcher

Wherein I Try 2 Remember a Movie I Seent Months Ago, Ep 1: Flatliners (1990)

This is one of those movies that I thought was something else. There's some movie where Kevin Bacon turns into Capri Sun liquid or something, right? I used to watch that all the time when I was a kid and wanted to rewatch it as an adult, and I thought that was this. It wasn't. HOLLOW MAN! That's what that mess is called. I used to watch that all the time when I was like, seven lol, and would be extra creeped out. Hollow Man and that movie with the big sand worm. Lol is Kevin even in that? Idk, but I've been stanning for K-Bake since I was like a baby. He seems hella unproblematic. I'm sure he's insane, like all the rest, but he has that cute nose and literally has never made me feel uncomfortable for him while watching one of his movies, lol, so he gets an A-okay from me. Please don't tell me anything weird or wrong about him, I will kill you! 

Now :) Let's talk about this movie Flatliners. Without looking up any information about it, including who was fucking in it, or why I cared. Okay it has...Kevin, the bae...uh, Julia Roberts, and curly haired Julia, when you can kinda see why she became a movie star maybe...Kiefer Sutherland, whose fucking name is Kiefer, uhhhhh...fucking one of the Baldwins. Too lazy to look, but the hot one I think. Lowkey, Alec the hot one to me? He thick and angry, so. Also has anyone seen NewTCM lately? It's awkward, but Alec's thick ass is a good fit, I think. But tell me why David Letterman's ugly ass was tryna drag Alec for saying Monty Clift was handsome? UM, HE WAS??? David Letterman a hater. Anyone who like, does a talk show is a hater. Who wants to interview people? He just mad that if Monty Clift was alive he'd pay his old ass dust AND OMG WHY CAN'T I FOCUS?! 

So!!! Kevin, Julia, Kiefer, one of the Baldwins, and...that fat dude. Smh what's his name. Oliver Platt! They're all...doctors. Or doctors in training, maybe? Sure. Kiefer I think is doing an experiment about death. Trying to see if he can revive people if they die? His experiment is LITERALLY INSANE. I might be remembering it wrong, but it definitely at least involves him putting WHOLE ALIVE HUMAN BEANS TO DEATH and then resuscitating them. I think he wants to know what people see in ~the afterlife~? Which is so weird for like a doctor to care about? Or was that his goal? Because I remember him ignoring when Kevin and etc were complaining about the weird shit happening to them after they were resurrected? I think his goal was less like spiritual and more...idk. But not necessarily trying to talk to God or whatever. 

So FOR SOME REASON, these doctors like participate in this experiment and no one is screaming at the top of their lungs about having to get put to death and trust their fellow doctors to bring them back alive? What? These niggas are crazy. They deserve what happens to them after they visit the afterlife, ngl. So what happens? They die and go to hell or heaven or somewhere in between, and when they come back to life, spirits and shit is haunting them. But it's like...I guess their past sins, or things they feel guilty about that haunts them and the haunting doesn't go away until they confront it. 

So Kevin's character, for instance, is being haunted by some little black girl. And I was about to side-eye this movie extra-quick for having some mean black girl bully, but it turns out that Kevin used to bully her when they were kids. Kevin's character is like a ~good guy~ so he immediately finds this woman whose beedabees he used to flick his fingers at on the playground, and apologizes to her for harassing her when they were young. I woulda told his skeletor looking ass to keep on, but it was an almost sweet scene with him and his former victim. So okay Kevin makes amends and his haunting ends.

Kiefer's character, conversely, is a douche. So his haunting is similar to Kevin's, in that he's being haunted by a kid he used to bully, but because Kiefer is a pos, he's getting his ass torn up and yanked out non-stop. Which is...hilarious. Like, this ghost boy is beating the shit outta Kiefer with wrenches and shit lol. Turns out, Kiefer and some kids were harassing this boy when he was stuck up in a tree. Or they harassed him up into the tree. Either way, someone throws a rock maybe and the boy falls from the tree and dies. It was weird...how when Kiefer was telling everyone what he'd done, they were tryna act like oh you were just a kid, it was not your fault, blah blah. Um, so, and yes it was?? Your actions were directly responsible for that boy's death. Shouldn't've been bullying his ass. I forgot if he was able to get rid of his haunting, but know I don't care if he was, because he was a douche and he has a big head.

Julia's thing was that her father came back from war when she was a kid I think and killed himself. He was a drug addict in between that? She blamed herself for his death, which was a suicide. Um, I thought Julia's one was weird, because in no way was she responsible for his suicide? So it was weird for her to be getting haunted by him in like an ominous way. But it kind of ended up that she got to have a last goodbye with her dad, which she didn't get when she was a kid. So that was sweetish.

The Baldwin had a weird one. Not as bad as Kiefer's maybe? But maybe? He'd been violating women by secretly recording them while they had sex. So he had all these tapes of these woman. Oh, and also he had a fiancé. So he's a gross womanzier and kinda rapey lowkey, so he's getting haunted by all these woman talking shit to him. Does he ever make amends. Lol I can't remember, but his fiancé def breaks up with his ass. Was that his amends?

I don't know! I don't remember how the movie ended, but I remembered mostly liking it as a whole. It had a good atmosphere. And kept me interested the whole way through, despite more than occasional corniness. It's like some early nineties movie, so that's to be expected. But this was pretty good, with an interesting story. I should ~review~ movies I barely remember more because I am being way too nice. This movie was probably hot garbage. But maybe not. I kind of wish this was a TV show. I mean, not now. It'd be shit now, but if they had expanded this back when it was made and I could binge it on hulu or netflix now lol. Like ER meets X-Files with a sprinkle of Twin Peaks. Maybe. I mean, it's not gonna happen so idk why I'm even thinking about it. But I really liked the dynamics of the doctor squad in the film and felt it would be cool to see their stories spread out over a longer time period? But again, not gonna happen, and NO, don't want that in this day and age, PLEASE DON'T PUT THIS ON TV IN ANY WAY. (Unless maybe Bryan Fuller does it???)

---

Flatliners

Arrested Development

AD just got renewed for some new seasons, right? Good. I hope it goes on forever? Like that's not realistic, but I look at a show like Always Sunny that is just forever going for no reason (I'm glad about it) and I wish this for like so many other shows? Well, no. Just like my cult comedy faves. Ugh, this post has barely begun and it just needs to be over already. But AD getting renewed and put on Netflix was weird, right? I was excited but it took a minute for me to get into season four. Everyone looked pretty diff with the exception of Lucille 1, George, and Baby Buster. I'm looking like whoa why is GOB hot and why would Michael Cera's soul chose a grandma as its host body? But I recently binge-watched the whole series all in one big go and it was easier to digest this time around. I almost lowkey love season 4...well, once I get past the George eps. Can I just say that I do not like George? lol, like. Way too much focus on him. I mean, no, there seems to be...maybe an equal focus on everyone, but like...I do not care for George. Lowkey it might just be Jeffrey Tambor? Because I watch Transparent and I am like...I am not here for this lol. Like I enjoy the show eventho it's extremely awful, but he does nothing for me as the titular Trans Parent of the series. I am looking at this fool like............is this some ugly, rude dude in a dress? Hard Pass. And then here as George I am...simply not feeling it. Comedy-wise he is not giving me what I like. Though I guess a few times he's had his moments? But mostly no. But fine I guess? Because there are so many other characters, but in seas4 it was...hard to swallow because the episodes were sectioned up character by character and they put the two George eps in the beginning. HARD NO.

Who's my favorite Blüth? So hard!! Okay my fave character overall is prob..? Tobias. That's my baby with his bald ass. He's so cute lol like I just want him to be happy. He's not a Bluth tho. When I first watched the series, I think my fave was GOB. Those sandals and him screaming about five thousand dollar suits and candy beans and constantly talking about making huge mistakes was just an obvious choice, right? But over time my tastes have refined...and now I don't know. I feel like Buster. I love any Buster scenes, Tony Hale is so fucking funny to me. But I also really love Michael? When I first watched the series I kinda accepted him as just a str8 man. Like the one with ~*~common sense~*~. But I was pretty young when I first started watching this lol now I'm like...Michael may be the worst of all. Because he's like put up as the one with a few thinking crumbs, but makes just as many ridiculous/terrible choices as the rest of his family whom no one holds to any standards? So that's pure comedy lol. But maybe my fave Bluth is Lucille. Like what is not the best about Lucille? She is my inspiration. Is that okay? No! But it's happening! Mmmmm I can't choose, because Buster and his juice obsession is just like, the only thing I've ever seen in media that exactly understood me? I just don't know! 

 

Okay, so I feel weird because after all these years I still ship George Miguel and Maeby. It's almost an authentic romanceship for me? Like I ship them how I ship relationships in shows that aren't as ridiculous and that you can take like at least 1% seriously? I don't know, I kind of want help, but I also really want them to be baes. But it would be weird as fuck. Also you can tell Michael Cera and Alia Shawkat have like a friend-like relationship off-screen (I literally have no idea if they do smh), so like it'd be weird if they were booed up. But the show could make it funny. But also beautiful. Like, LEGIT! Gob and Tony Wonder's bromance is SO CUTE. Like, I was getting into it in a serious way. Please! I also legit ship Lucille 1 and Buster. Some of the relationships are really cute, sorry lol. I mean, not cute cute. Everyone is terrible, but, cute in an absurdist, bizarro world way, I guess leave me alone!  

 

I really love all the layers of jokes. This is what I loved the most about the series when I first watched it. It satisfies my OCD for them to be constantly referencing shit and Russian Dolling jokes within jokes. I also love how this is probably why people weren't checking for the show initially, and still prob don't now? Obviously this show has a dedicated fanbase, but it's not some 50 million views an ep type Big Bang Theory deal. I could see people watching this like casually and being lowkey annoyed like...wtf is this. Which I live for. This is my type of humor but anyway when will I die :')  

A soupçon of questions that I need answered before season 5:

-Was that makeup on Steve Holt? A lot of that looked like just him........? But anyway, more screen time for Steve Holt? Underused, imho.

-Remember when Egg was on that show State of Grace and she was like cute? Did she just stay in that body, but got older? I can't be the only bitch who watched that show for three episodes when it was on like ABC Family or whatever and Maeby was her best friend in it and I literally have no fucking idea what it was even about but I remember thinking the little blonde girl was cute and then the next time I see her she on this show looking like she got stuck in her neck and swear to fucking god I thought she just looked like that for the show but I think the actress just look like that in general lol no shade it's fine but I just know I'm not the only bitch who has been brought on this confusing journey. But shout out to Alia Shawkat I love her freckled ass put her in good shit that I can care about, not that Search Party mess on TBS okay thankx <3

-I'm screaming, but why was the photo George Michael had on his phone for his dad in his contacts (why would u construct this sentence like this) him asking "Her?"? Why--how would George Maharis even get that pic lol laughs for days, Arrested Development! Laughs for days...

-But GOB was not this hot before, right? Aint these white bois supposed to be getting uglier as they spoil? Will Arnett out here looking like Krave jerky, but I am buying it. lolnojk that shit mad expensive do I look like I'm made of candy beans??!!

-BEES?!?!

-Do you know I used to have, like, some weird crush on Ron Howard? This was back in my days thinking that gingers were attractive. Dark times. But anyway, is he in the illuminati? Also, how come he never works with Bryce? Is he a hater? I'm getting hater teas. Like, Bryce coulda played his daughter in the show instead of Isla Fischer who is not even a Great Value Amy Adams, but like...some fucking dirty store in Australia that sells dingo protectors for babies. And it's like, no thanks! We don't even have dingos in America. I think. Anyway, this Rebel Alley storyline is weak but I feel like I'll have to keep seeing it next season? Great :')

-We're never doing that Rita storyline again, right? Please don't.

-I need like, WAY MORE Argyle Austero. I had to look up who plays him and the internet told me something called Tommy Tune. Is that...is that this person's birth name? I want to die, and meet him. No, I need to meet him. I am so upset Prince died before I could meet his physical form and have him scratch at me with something covered in glitter, but Tommy Tune is still alive and I need it! He's one of those mad tan, suspicious-looking Jeff Goldblumy type white people and YOU KNOW that's my fave type of White™! Please. PLEASE! 

-Naming a character Debris...is like.......the funniest thing I have ever seen. I don't even know if it's that actually inherently funny in like a scientific way, but every time they said her name I felt like pooping. So, like, more Debris? Just so characters will keep saying her name?? Please.

-I was dying @ GM having never met Lucille 2 or even knowing whom she is. Will their paths finally collide? Next week on Dragon Ball Z 

-What were those random scenes that looked green-screened? They were awkwardly placed. Like when Lucille 2 was at Lucille 1's trial and they were arguing. Or Lucille 1 doing her audition for Tobias' play. Or that awkward mess with George Michael punching his daddy in the face? That last one I get, but...do you really need green screen for that? Mikey Cera can't fake punch? You know, maybe not. But speaking of this, what's gonna pop auf next season? This seas with Michael invading GM's space at college was so funny. This was maybe the worst I've ever seen Michael and I am living. I hope this show just makes him worse and worse, because it's the best and best. But why is George Michael salty? Didn't his dad steal his bae before? That teach? And he even pushed up on Maeby a few times lol so he should be used to this by now cum on.

-Wait but why on every episode did it say Michael Cera as ~*~consulting producer~*~? I feel like there's an unintentionally funny explanation and I NEED IT.

-There wasn't enough Buster. Will there be more Buster next season? I will just pretend Tony Hale was super-busy filming Veep, a show that wasn't cancelled and didn't have to get moved to Netflix with their suspicious, unreliable ass algorithms :) And that's why there wasn't as much of him :) But there better be much of him next seaz :) Or else :)

---

Arrested Development 

Burning Sands (2017)

I watched this movie because #AquariusBae Trevante Rhodes is in it, and for no other reason but. Oh, no, also I heard a bunch of people were upset with this film? I'm assuming because of how it ~exposed~ the hazing aspect of some of these black fraternities? Is it even called fraternity? I have no idea. I went to college for 1 year and spent the majority of my time in my dorm watching Hulu and Netflix. That's the first time I binged Arrested Development. Good times. loljk they were gonna expel me. Turns out, you kind of have to go to class! lol they whilin!! But anyway people feeling salty about a movie is always gonna make me want to watch, so I did, and vaguely regretted it :')

So Burning Sands is about...some bs, tbh. It's really hard for me to watch something like this because I don't comprehend the mentality of someone who'd want to join a fraternity/sorority, and think with any part of their brains that it's acceptable for them to have to endure all sorts of crazy abuse and humiliation during this so-called Hell Week just to be part of some fake-ass brother or sisterhood. I'm aware there is supposed to be some great networking incentive if you get accepted into one of these frats, but is it worth it? The people who abuse the shit out of you during initiation are the people ur gonna have to look to for job connecks in the future. Why would you buy into this? There have to be better ways to get a come up. 

Trevor Jackson's character Zurich was making me uncomfortable because he was looking down on his dad or whatever for ~failing~ Hell Week, right? And dropping out? But then he walking around with fractured ribs and fucking up in school and with his girl, and for what? Like, literally for what because someone ended up dead and all Zurich ended up with was a freshly-shaven, misshapen ass head. Take this L!!!! 

I can't remember, but this movie is about someone who came up in one of these frats, non? Who cares, let's talk about Trevante!! First of all: He is Short. Do I care? NO!! I wanted to cry when he was wearing that silky polyester robe like, please! Also what is his accent? I am getting sociopath teas and I can't wait for his suspicious ass to become a movie star, let's go! Do I feel the same way about Trevor Jackson? lol, absolutely not. He was giving me nothing here, though I couldn't tell if that was how his character was written, or if he just doesn't have it. We'll see (lol I don't care). Who really stood out to me, though, was Tosin Cole. I looked his ass up and the internet told me he's from the fucking UK, and honestly I'm living because I would have had no idea otherwise. Definitely looking forward to seeing more from him. Maybe. I don't want to get too hype about a black UK actor, let's just keep it real! But maybe. 

Can we talk about the ~ghetto slut~ character who had the box braids and worked at Hardees or whatever and was mad willing to get fucked by all the new pledges?? What was her character's name? Toya. Why was Zurich acting all shocked when she displayed that she knew words that have more than one syllable? That was whack. Why? Just cuz she aint in college and a ho she a dummy? Zurich.....ur stupid ass got accepted into college and yet all I see you making is one stupid fucking decision after another. And you a punk. So you can miss me with all that.

Can we talk about Rotmi's bleached African looking ass? I hated his character but he definitely stood out. As someone for me to hate, but still lol. I wonder...what happens after new pledges get inducted? Is it all awkward lol? Like...well, okay in this case it DEFINITELY will be awkward, if this frat is not totally shut down. And of course Edwin prob wouldn't still be there? This movie is weird cuz it just like awkwardly ended. I almost feel like the real movie would've been the aftermath of Frank getting killed, and then I guess a focus on Zurich ~becoming a man~ during whatever comes of that situation. Burning Sands is just a precursor to a way bigger story? Like a prologue to a mad long novel? Idk. Much more could've been said. Like they had Alfre Woodward as the prof stanning for Frederick Douglass (a fuckboy) and it kind of looked like they were trying to go somewhere with that, but they barely scratched the surface of wherever they were trying to take it. Honestly, this should be a show like how they did Dear White People. It can start out with the death and then sort of go on from there and how the campus changes. I'd watch. I am far more interested in a storyline like this than something like Dear White People, which I did not see lol, but the title is a turn-off alone. I'd rather watch a black college movie/show where the issues are less about addressing racism and micro-aggressions and shit and getting into what ~the community~ has going on within. Though I could be prematurely judging that other property because maybe they do the same. Idk, but this movie was super gay and I wish movie makers would stop doing straight stuff all the time and just make it gay. So I can ignore uncomfortable stuff like extreme abuse and just be happy gay shit is happening :) Please placate me :)) 

Heaven Help Us (1985)

I don't think I care as much any more, but Andrew McCarthy used to be my favorite Brat Pack member. Who's surprised? (No one reads this blog!!). Andrew isn't even a good actor, like basically at all. The only thing he has in his acting tool box is widening his eyes like he's an owl on meth when he's about to cry. It's really weird. I don't understand why I care about him. I remember watching Pretty in Pink for the first time and hating it like wtf is this, and now I'm obsessed with it (mainly cuz of Steff, duh), but Blane's boring, blue-eyed, self-hating, woe-is-me yuppie emo shtick is like...one of the things that eventually won me over as I kept watching it for some reason?? And then I liked him in St. Elmo's Fire?? Which hasn't aged well, AT ALL!!!, but which I first saw in the early aughts, like twenty years after that shit came out but still liked it anyway?? Also Less Than Zero and Mannequin?? ¿Weekend at Bernie's¿¿¿¿¿ What am I doing with my life he is literally bringing nothing to the table except being white. He's not even charismatic... Look, imma be honest: He doesn't look like Charlie Sheen, and that's all I really need from my chalk actors. Yes, the bar is depressingly low. It's great!! 

You know who's white whom I don't like, even tho they're white? lol Fuggin...Kevin Dillon's ugly ass lol. I liked him as Rat or whatever his name was on Entourage for the first seaz (kill me), but other than that, his head is too long and why does he talk like that? I am...disgusted. He's mad annoying here. What is this mess about smh. Oh okay, so Heaven Help Us is a movie about...like some Catholic school for boys...in the sixties, I believe. So they have crazy priests teaching the classes and everyone's wearing like a wool suit. It's gross.

The main thing about this movie is...that the boys are being abused by this one crazy ass priest dude, Brother Constance. He is going the motherfuck in on these kids. Like, beating them with paddles going in. This is actually supremely disturbing lol. This movie has this weird kind of lighthearted throwback Brighton Beachy sort of feel, I guess, and then there's this terrifying abuse happening and you're like, uhhhhh...

Like the scene when Brother Connie is smacking Michael's hands with that paddle?? And Andrew does his one acting thing and gives me some tear droplets and an obvious Academy Award level performance (no)?? It's like, insane. And then they break it up by having Kevin Dillon's character be a dick and everyone's laughing or whatever, I guess? And then the following scene Andrew and Kevin's characters are being punished in Brother Thaddeus' office by kneeling on their knees and holding their arms up with books in their hands? And I feel like the movie wants me to think this is funny, maybe? When I am primarily sitting watching with my mouth slightly agape, like..............is someone gonna call the police? Any day now... 

I used to be obsessed with this movie, but rewatching it recently, I wasn't as into it. It's still good, I think. One of the better ones from that whole eighties teen movie movement. It has that extra-something, but I definitely was hyping it more than it needed to be hyped. This movie has Mary Stuart Masterson and she stands out from ~the regulars~ of her peer group. She's not Brat Pack, or even Brat Pack adjacent, she's next level, so that helps the movie. Her scenes with Andrew are really sweet and provide a nice, like genuine little main romance for the film. It really gives it some heart and allows Andrew to not look completely dorky and stupid for once :) Why am I going in on him, tho, when I'm a stan? Also shout out to legit actors Donnie Sutherland and my bae, John Heard who like Masterson take the movie to a higher level by giving me some non-cringe worthy performances. Oh, and the dude who played Brother Constance. Lemme look his ugly name up. Jay Patterson. You was on some other shit, but I was living. I think this...movie could've been better if it didn't have that hokey teen comedy aspect? There was like mad serious subject matter in the movie lol like it made me uncomfy. Like imagine Doubt directed by Judd Apatow. No one wants that, why would you do this, people who made Heaven Help Us? Whatever, it could've been worse. And good job using those Otis Redding songs, but bad job being a super white ass movie using black music to punctuate emotional moments :/

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Heaven Help Us