The Maddening (1996)

Hmm, this movie is so irrelevant I can't even find a proper poster for this shit online. I mean, I only spent like .03 seconds google image searching for one. But still. Like, I shouldn't have to struggle past the first page of results to find an appropriate image for a movie's poster. The one I chose above^ isn't okay because I think it's like the paper inside a DVD jacket...splayed out?? Like someone scanned it?? Come on. 

So I watched this movie because the description On Demand had for it sounded really bad. It was something like "A man terrorizes a mother and her daughter". And then it said it starred Burt Reynolds and I was just like, YEP. It sounded like it'd be one of those run-of-the-mill shitty films IMPACT is always playing. Is IMPACT a channel...or just an On Demand category?? Idk, but it's a pretty great place to find films that are really terrible and they'll label their films with things like SWEET ROUNDHOUSE KICKS or BABY THROWN THROUGH PLATE GLASS. Like, I hate IMPACT, but I love IMPACT. However, The Maddening wasn't listed under IMPACT, it was listed under Showtime so hmmmm. Wait - no1 cares. I forgot...I forget sometimes how no one cares about like 99% of the things I write/talk about. 

Let's proceed with this recap thing that no one will read lol hahahahha hahah ha!!!

So, wait. I thought this movie was going to be something else. I thought it'd be like...Burt Reynolds...holding his family hostage or something. Actually....I guess that's sort of what this turned out to be? But I was confused when the movie opened with Mia Sara and her stale piece of toast ass husband Brian Wimmer. I'm like...ummmmmmm, what? Is...is Brian Wimmer's wimmery ass going to be...like really crazy??? I couldn't see how he was going to terrorize anything or hold anyone hostage or whatever. And I was getting disgusted that I had been duped and bamboozled into watching some secret shitty Lifetime movie when I wanted to watch a shitty IMPACT movie. 

So the movie starts out with this little girl who looks like David from Roseanne, talking to her dolls and shit. It's always creepy to me when little girls are playing with their invisible friends and having invisible friend tea parties. Or maybe it's only creepy because every time I see it happen in movies they're playing like creepy The People Under the Stairs ass music over the scene for no reason?? Also I felt like I was supposed to be creeped out because I assumed some fucked-up shit was going on with her family, and I was just like "Oh, she's being molested". But no, she's just like a regular ordinary kid, I guess? Brian Wimmer shows up to scoop her up from the front lawn where she's playing, and what follows is a sickening display of family love and comradery or whatever. Brian Wimmer and Mia Sara, the parents, kissy kiss or whatever and she's all like "I missed you sooo much!!" and it's disgusting. Later, Brian tucks David from Roseanne into bed and then he goes into the bedroom where the wife is, and starts undressing. She's all ready to have sex and stuff. She says something about his tie. It's a lucky tie, maybe? Who fucking knows with white people, tbh. Anyway, they get into sexy time stuff. But then Brian Wimmer is like "oh, btw, I have to leave again in a few days". I guess he's a BUSINESS MAN and does BUSINESS MAN THINGS. Mia Sara LOSES HER FUCKING SHIT. Lol it's so funny and over the top and the acting in this scene is atrocious. She's all like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE LEAVING HOW DARE OYOUY DOUG DJJST LEFT YOUR FUKING PEICE OF SHIT. Yo, it's like, chill out, jezebel. And what's really funny - not funny haha, but funny like, Mia Sara's an idiot - is that the next day when Brian sees his cunt ass boss at work, she's like "Your wife knows travel is part of your job, right?" LIKE, HELLO. How do you think Brian is keeping your ass in the best housewife finery?? He needs to work, bitch!! 

Anyway, at this point, I keep asking myself aloud, "What the fuck is this movie??" Because I honestly have no idea where it's going or why I need to care about Brian going on a fucking business trip or why his boss was so. fucking. cunt. but then she disappears and we never get to see her again wtf??? 

Mia Sara is still pissed off because BrIAN HAS TO DO HIS FUCKING JOB. So her immature, irresponsible ass just takes David from Roseanne and they go on some fucking roadtrip to see some random aunt or some shit. SHE DOES NOT TELL BRIAN WIMMER. She is honestly so immature, like, who does that??? And she leaves the house in peril, AND SHE LEAVES A BOILING POT OF BRIAN'S TIES ON THE STOVE. At this point I'm like "I don't care what happens to Mia Sara I hope she dies", because fucking hell no. 

So I'm finally maybe starting to see where the movie is going when Burt Reynolds shows up WITH THE MOST APPALLING FUCKING HAIRPIECE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE AND I AM D E V A S T A T E D that I don't have a pic of it but okay I'll get over it I'll just push down those feelings along with all the other feelings I push down haha what feelings haha. 

So Mia Sara pulls over to a gas station to get some gas because when you're driving a car apparently sometimes it needs to be replenished or whatever. Burt Reynolds I guess works at this gas station? It's not totally clear--OH. No, wait, later on in the movie it's explained he sells car parts there, I guess? Idfk, but in this first scene I thought he was an employee. Also at first I thought he was going to steal Mia Sara away from Brian Wimmer with his ~~~manly charms~~. Like, I thought this was going to be some gross romance film or something. And then Brian would have to fight to get his family back. Thank god that notion was dissolved fairly quickly when Burt Reynolds started giving me House of 1000 Corpses tease. Or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre tease? He was giving basically any movie based in the south and there's a creepy family living in a big, usually rundown house tease. I was like "phew", because if I had to see him seriously romancing Mia Sara, instead of just raping himself upon her as he does later, I would have been sick to my fucking stomach :) Instead of only mildly nauseous when he raped her :)) 

So Mia's getting gas at some rundown ass gas station and oh boy do I hate when people stop at suspicious looking ass places like this in movies. I don't go on roadtrips, nor do I drive, but come on. For every super-shitty, suspicious fucking looking gas station, there must be 10 legit-looking ones with lights and they have the fucking little store that sells namebrand soda and shit. Why not wait a few more miles to get to the better gas station? Why go to the creepy one with the creepy fucking employees with like soul patches and hair rugs??? And then they all come out to talk to and "help" you and give you directions to a "shortcut"????? Yeah, no. NOOO. Stop it, people in movies!! Stop doing this!! Go to Exxon!!! or one of the other ones? Hess?? Is...does that still exist? Is that an imaginary gas station place or a real one? The hess truck's back and it's better than ever??? Christmas this year or something?? 

Here are a handful out of 1,000 different ways Mia Sara, a mom with a kid, is super fucking dumb and irresponsible in just this 1 scene

1. she gets out of her car at this place

2. she talks to these people outside of saying "fill up my car with gas"

3. she hands this shady place her credit card, when she has cash on her

4. the credit card is expired and she's like "lol whoopsies!!"

5. burt reynolds mentions a shortcut and she's not like "lol didn't ask, but thanx"

6. burt reynolds gets off the topic of the shortcut, but Mia being an idiot is like, "oh, you were saying about that shortcut??" 

7. she follows the "shortcut" directions, even though she has her daughter in the car and maybe shouldn't be taking risks when she is responsible for another human being life other than her entirely insignificant own

Let's keep it going!!!!!!!!!!!

Here are a handful out of 1,000 different ways Mia is super fucking dumb and irresponsible after she takes the shortcut

1. the car breaks down

2. she gets out and looks under the hood and shrugs and is like "lol whoopsie"

3. her daughter, whose life she is responsible for, is in the car, and Mia looks at her like "lol whoops"

4. she sighs like loudly? to get her daughter to wake up so she can be horrified at the fact that the only person responsible for her life is a complete ignoramus and 1,000% useless

5. she attempts to dial someone on the car phone but I guess it doesn't work????

6. she says something to her daughter like "we're in trouble, kiddo"???? NO, YOU'RE AN ADULT. THE DAUGHTER IS A CHILD DEPENDENT ON YOU. YOU'RE IN TROUBLE, GET YOU OUT OF THIS MESS, AND BY EXTENSION YOUR DAUGHTER, WHO SHOULD HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES, WON'T FUCKING DIE. 

7. Burt Reynolds shows up to "help"

8. Mia doesn't question why he is out there on that abandoned road, she just goes with him to his house

9. sigh

10. at Burt Reynold's house, he tells Mia and her daughter to go in and have some food or some shit???? And so Mia does??? Instead of staying outside and watching Burt Reynolds fix her fucking car??? 

11. Burt Reynold's wife Angie Dickinson comes out and is creepy as hell calling Mia's character by another name and clearly mistaking her for another person. SHE'S A CLEAR NUTJOB, THOUGH THIS DOES NOT DETER MIA FROM ENTERING HER HOME

12. As soon as they enter the house it's creepy as fuck, and Angie's daughter wearing fucking mascara comes down and is all rough and shit, snatching the doll out of David from Roseanne's hand and Mia is like "hey!!" @ this little girl, but Angie is just like "lol no it's okay, they're just playing". UM, NO, GET THIS BITCH. And Mia sort of says this...but...nothing happens. Like Angie's daughter just snatches David from Roseanne and pulls her upstairs to go play or get murdered or whatever???? And Mia...doesn't do anything??? 

13. Mia hears her car phone ringing, so goes back outside. She tries to take David, but she's being snatched away by Angie's psycho kid @ this point? So she just like shrugs and runs outside???

14. She's like to Burt "oh, that's my car phone ringing, can you hand it to me??" He does, by closing the little flappy part and ending the call. IT'S OBVIOUS HE KNEW THIS WOULD END THE CALL. But Mia is like "...oh, that's...how you hang-up..." HE KNOWS THIS, BITCH. GET YOUR KID AND GO NOW. 

15. She hears screaming from the house and runs inside to get her daughter. She's like to Angie, "TAKE ME TO MY DAUGHTER". Like, getting really heated and I'm like "yes, finally, act appropriate". Angie is like "okay, calm down" and takes Mia upstairs. She ends up locking her in some dark ass room with a wheelchair in the corner. OKAY. Mia's...reactions and behavior after this point are all a no for me, dawg. She freaks out mildly about being locked in this room. She's like knocking on the door "Hey, you locked me in here!" It becomes night at some point and Burt shows up and she's like "lol your wife locked me in here??" SHE SHOULD BE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY MORE FUCKING FREAKED OUT AT THIS POINT. Not only has she been locked up in some fucking house, but she has NO IDEA where her fucking daughter is. There is NO CRYING AND SCREAMING OR SCRATCHING OR CLAWING OR ANYTHING HAPPENING. What the fuck kind of reaction is she having, seriously???? Who the fuck is just chillin' like that wtf??? 

So while all this is going on, Brian Wimmer is back on the homefront freaking out because his wife is missing and shit, and also there's this fat ass police detective on his trail, suspecting him of murder and shit. Couldn't...care less about this, tbh. Let's get back to the house even though honestly, at this point, can the movie end???? 

So basically Burt Reynolds makes it clear to Mia Sara that she's not going anywhere, after repeated questions from her about when they'll let her leave...and when her car will be fixed, etc. AND IT'S SO ANNOYING TO ME THAT IT TAKES HER FOREVER TO REALIZE SHE'S TRAPPED IN THAT HOUSE. Why do you...like why does she ask about the car and when they'll let her leave? What the fuck does she think is happening? Ugh, so dumb. AND ANOTHER ANNOYING THING IS HOW SHE MAKES LIKE NO ATTEMPT TO GET OUT OF THE ROOM? Yeah, eventually she uses the wrench to take nails out of the door, which ends up being for naught, but I guess I'll get to that later? But before she removes nails from the door...like she doesn't...THERE'S A WINDOW THAT'S BOARDED UP...BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD SORT OF BREAK THROUGH THE BOARDS??? AND IT'S TOTALLY MADE CLEAR LATER ON THAT YOU TOTALLY CAN SMASH THROUGH THEM?? BUT SHE DOESN'T EVEN TRY??? ALSO WTF. WHEN SHE HAS THE WRENCH SHE NEVER TRIES TO HIT BURT OR ANGIE WHEN SHE HAD A TON OF OPPORTUNE MOMENTS TO DO SO???? LIKE EVENTUALLY SHE DOES HIT BURT BUT HE JUST ENDS UP PUNCHING HER IN THE FACE??? LOL LIKE LEGIT DEAD ASS IN THE FACE. SO MAYBE HITTING HIM WASN'T A GOOD IDEA AFTER ALL??? idk, I just felt like Mia wasn't trying hard enough to escape. LIKE WHEN SHE'S TAKING THE BATH AND GETS THE SCISSORS BUT DOESN'T HIDE THEM AND ANGIE SEES AND IS LIKE "LOL HAIR CUTTING TIME!!!!!!!" wtf? lol what was..the purpose of the scissors???? That's like chekov's gun if it meant the gun will eventually be used to play hot potato or something. This movie is so. dumb. 

So we get some backstory on Burt and the fam. Apparently he killed his son Arthur. Smothered him with a pillow, you know, the usual. Angie's sister, whom she thinks Mia is, used to live with them with her daughter. The sister and her daughter "left" after Burt killed Arthur. Though, eventually we find out Burt killed them, not that that wasn't 100% obvious from jump street but okay!!! There's also a ghost dad in a wheelchair?? Taunting Burt??? Fun for the whole family!!! 

Brian Wimmer begins to follow Mia's trail and he hits up that gas station and they direct him to the shortcut which of course leads to Burt's house. At this point Mia is chained up to a bed, and Burt has raped her and David from Roseanne is being led around by that little girl with a fucking noose leash or some shit and this movie is honestly doing too much, but at the same time, not enough??? Brian turns up to Burt's garage and is like "Have you seen Mia Sara and David from Roseanne??" Burt is like "Why would your wife and daughter be at my garage?" CUNT. Brian's like "lol u right. Thanks anyway, pal!!" Of course he immediately goes snooping around the property. He sees the doll David from Roseanne was carrying around and starts screaming her name LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT. Because of course Burt instantly shows up and like chokes him and is burying his body in a well or some shit???? Around this point Mia is...oh, so Mia wasn't chained up yet at this point, I think. She was planning her escape but Burt drugged her with milk. FUN! He chains her up afterward because he catches her trying to escape? Tbh, I started disassociating more and more the further the movie went on because it was being really extra in all the wrong ways. I was just like "okay, alright". I really felt like they were dragging out the family being rescued. Doing all this shit with the husband getting in the house, getting out, blah blah. Eventually David from Roseanne gets out of the house and we know once she's out she's going to run towards the highway and flag down a car and THAT SHOULD END WELL!! 

Brian Wimmer finds Mia chained up and they have a weird reunion scene. Crying, and then Mia laughing at his tie??? I was like "uh uh, bitch! It's not the time for that!!" I guess she was high on the drugs????? Fun, good, wholesome family fun. Brian gets Mia out of the chains and then there was also some stuff with Angie Dickinson talking about her sis?? And then Burt Reynolds shows up to do some speech? Or did he do his speech prior to this????? Maybe he did two speeches!! Anyway, he ends up shotgun blasting Angie Dickinson out of that boarded up window I was going on about before and I honestly can't fucking believe this movie wasn't on IMPACT, like it's soooo IMPACTy. I think--I remember the room being on fire, maybe? Like, seriously, things got really out of hand but like in a super boring way to me??? So I don't clearly remember...but definitely Mia got Burt's shotgun in her hand and she ends up shotun blasting him out the window. But to make his window fall unique he ends up in that wheelchair his ghost dad occupies???? YES, NICE. 

THANK GOD, THIS FUCKING MOVIE ENDS. Just as Mia and Brian Wimmer are escaping the house, their daughter shows up in a police car. So, she wasn't murdered by any truckers, cool! I think the movie ends on a final shot of Burt and Angie's daughter sitting on the ledge of a well, staring down into it? I def remember laughing. Ah well, she's cute. She'll be alright. ehhh

Best of the Best (1989)

I entirely regret watching this karate for beginners instructional video. Well, no, not entirely. 

(I'm so pissed I don't have a screenshot of him in that fucking loose ass v-neck sweater ugh)

I'm obsessed with Eric Roberts, so that's my only reason for watching this mess, and...he at least gave me, per usual, face and hair. He didn't disappoint in the aesthetics department, so...that's...that's good. However, I feel it's extremely inappropriate to be watching a film wholly for a single actor's physical aesthetics. Maybe some people can do it, and that does explain several actors' previously inexplicable to me careers, but I've decided I can't be the kind of person who watches a movie purely because there's an actor in it whose face I like. Like, I thought I could be this person, as I am a leaking kiddie pool as hell, but alas, I even fail at being super shallow. (DID YOU UNDERSTAND THAT KIDDIE POOL ANALOGY I JUST DID THERE?!?!?!) 

So this movie is bad. My number one honey, Eric Roberts, plays some loser named Alex. Why is he a loser? He has long hair and is wearing a v-neck sweater with no fucking undershirt beneath it. And his hair isn't just long, it's luxurious. And totally he's spending all the money he gets from unemployment checks or his wife's dead person insurance, on dry bar blow-outs, daily - trust. This homey's hair is fanciful, and only a loser has the time on his hands to maintain upkeep on fanciful fucking locks. Also, he's a single father. (Where's your wife, Nick??! Oh - wait, no, nvm. 4got she's dead. R. I. P.) So scratch that also and replace it with: he does karate. 

Full disclosure: I did karate. I have a black belt. No joke, even though it should be. Also, I was fourteen when I got it, so I'm not sure it counts. And the stack of wood boards I had to chop through to get my black belt was completely fake. I felt like I was in a movie pretending to chop wood. They should have cast me in this! In Chris Penn's part, because, come on! 

So Alex is a single father still living with his mommy played by Nurse Ratched and/or that arsenic cookie making ass grandma from Siblings Fucking in an Attic, when he gets notice that the Olympics want him to try out for the US karate team? LOL

It's honestly 100% hilarious that the top contender for spots on the US karate team are primarily all-white. With the exception of Tommy Lee, played by Phillip Rhee. And probably the only reason he made it on the team was because he wrote the fucking movie. But, hmm, Phillip Rhee - really? Only one Asian? Is it racist of me to be like 'only one Asian'?? ??? ??? Probably, but..........I wonder if the real US karate team is always filled with whites? NO, I'm not going to Google it, because I don't actually care, it just seems suspicious. A predominantly white US yogurt-eating team? Yeah, duh! Hello! YES!! But an 80% white US karate team? Hmmmmmmmmm. Are you telling me James Earl Jones really sat through those fucking try-outs and thought Chris Penn's fat fucking cowboy ass was "the best of the best"?? Fuck outta here! And Alex has a fucked-up shoulder! One of the money men brings up concerns about Alex's shoulder, and James Earl Jones is like, "I'm paid to pick the best people for the team!" or some shit. First off: fire his ass, 'cause he's shit. This nigga has a fucking Italian on the squad. You're not putting together a US Mob Team, no shade. There's no US meatballs sub-making team, James E, come on. And don't even get me started on the Buddhist. Like, clearly this movie was written to portray the US karate team as a ragtag band of sorts. But the film is called Best of the Best - also, the Olympics are for real. This isn't a movie about some shitty little league softball team - this is about the actual Olympics that exist and that people take fucking seriously and train their whole lives for. So, for Chris Penn to just come galloping down from the all-you-can-eat pulled pork buffet to secure a coveted spot on a team going to the fucking Olympics - lol. Lol @ this movie and lol @ life. Also, R.I.P., Chris Penn. We hardly knew ye. And let's keep it that way. '100. 

So, a dude with a fucked up shoulder, a fat cowboy, a guido, a white Buddhist, and one actual Asian, but only probably because he developed the story, are picked for the US karate team. Okay. They start training. Couldn't care less about seeing them train. There's some scene in a bar right before training commences. James tells the guys: no sex + booze, I think, while training, but allows them that one night to go ham. They do? I guess? Chris starts dancing with this woman who has a boyfriend. My favorite part was that the woman's boyfriend walks over, gets upset, and sort of accidentally punches her in the face, trying to get to Chris. Chris does nothing. Lol, he just tries to brush his hands of it and walk away. Lowkey, he was my favorite thing about this movie. Underrated Penn bro? Nah...he...he probably got just the right amount of adulation he deserved. And let's move on from there!! 

So a brawl breaks out because the woman's boyfriend isn't letting it go, so I think Chris punches him or something. The dude's buddies try to jump in? And Tommy Lee sees and pops awf? My thing is: I'm Tommy Lee. I barely know Chris. He's certainly not my nigga. Yes, we're on the same team, but so? And?? He's getting in fights, that's on him. I'm not wasting any sweet roundhouse kicks on his wack, racist ass. I will sit with my legs crossed at the bar, sippin' on some sort of very sugary alcoholic beverage (so as not to taste any alcohol), not moving a solitary fucking muscle. And the same goes for the other ones: Alex, Buddha Glasses, and Italian. Why they jump in??? Alex didn't even know what the fuck was happening. He just saw people getting thrown through shit and just started poppin' awf without asking any questions. Like, okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay???????????

So, whatever, they start training. Again, cared nothing about this. Some woman shows up. Catherine Wade. Okaaaaaaaaay. She--Now, when she shows up, I'm like: EYEROLL. Everything she's saying makes me want to vom. She's all like "I spent a lot of time in the 'Far East' fucking Asians, so I know, like, a ton about, like, Oriental shit. So." Apparently this Catherine specimen knows stuff about...????? Idk, meditation?? Mind over body?? Literally no idea. Like, did she know anything the one with the glasses didn't already know? What was honestly her purpose? At one point she's teaching the boys yoga. My favorite part is Chris Penn not participating. And then my other favorite part was me constantly asking out loud in the dark, "Okay, but why was he picked for the team, again???" It's important you know it was in the dark ;)

:(

At some point we get to the meat. Lol, just kidding. The guys are notified of who their opponents will be in the...in the Olympics thing. Don't...really want to ask why there are only two teams competing? Or? Maybe that was covered? Maybe it was narrowed down?? Lol, okay, but when? Did it happen in the movie and I wasn't paying attention at all?? Probably! Moving on! Who cares who the other ones get? It's made clear we're supposed to focus on Tommy, the Asian, and who he's going to fight. Because obviously Tommy will be the last one standing, so let's hurry up and start caring about whatever his mess of a backstory is so we can actually care about him come the final showdown. 

Tommy's designated opponent is Dae Han Park. Tommy looks all scared and shit. I figure it's because they talk about how Dae has killed an opponent before. Turns out, that opponent he killed was Tommy's older bro. LOL, OKAY. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy does James E assign Tommy Dae Han Park?? He knows about their history! What the fuck kind of messed-up shit is this??? ALSO, why...why do they have people in these competitions literally murdering???? And why does actual fighting happen? When I did karate we sort of sparred? I guess? But it was like really fake and choreographed? Also, again, I was a teen? So...maybe adult karate is different?? But...I mean, this isn't boxing? I don't know, it was just weird to me they had this whole section dedicated to trying to karate chop your opponent to death? But why am I playing obtuse like I haven't seen The Karate Kid? The original. Not the way better remix with my queen Jaden Smith. (Just to be clear, I've seen both. I just don't remember to-the-death sparring in the remix. I do remember Jaden having cornrows, though. That was fun.) 

Anyway, they keep training blah blah. Alex's doofy kid gets hit by a car and he has to go back home to perform surgery on him?? Because he's a doctor???? Essentially, this is the attitude James Earl Jones has when Alex says he needs to go home to be there for his son. James is like, "no leaving training - no excuses". It's a lil ridick. Like, Alex can't jaunt off for a day or two to see his kid? Like, it's not that serious. And James is hella hilarious for pretending he thinks it is that serious when he very not seriously picked Chris Penn, who has to use dining room curtains for a gi, to be on the team. Should I stop going in on Chris Penn? I'm scared his demon spirit will start haunting me. He'll take me in my sleep Insidious-style and chain me up in some gross basement they let him have in the underworld. We watch fucking Resevoir Dogs on a loop. It sucks you can't commit suicide in hellscape, right? Like, that's bullshit, and a flaw in the design, but okay. 

Alex goes home anyway. I don't care about his kid. When he leaves, Tommy tells him not to worry, that he and the other teammates will take care of James E. Okay, but when Alex comes back NO ONE says anything when he's begging for James E to let him back on the team?? And they ignore Alex and cut to Tommy practicing some kick move on Buddha Glasses. James yells at Tommy to stop holding back. Tommy does and nearly kicks the nirvana out of Buddha Glasses. Tommy gets all upset and runs away on his motorcycle. Before he leaves, Alex goes to try to stop him? But if I was Alex, I would've been like "pft", because remember how that nigga said he would take care of James E but he didn't do shit when Alex came back begging for James to let him return to training?? lol, I'm still salty about that, but whatever? Like, if Alex doesn't care, why do I? Stand by your word, that's why!!! 

So at this point, there are three people remaining on the US karate team. What the fuck is James Earl Jones doing, and why is he not more concerned? Like, you need every member, so??? lol, like, what the fuck. It doesn't matter, though, because both Alex and Tommy return and it's all good and blah blah blah. They do the Olympics. I think all four whites lose their fights? Like, duh, could've told you that! Alex has some drama with his shoulder who cares next. Finally we get to Tommy and his showdown with Dae Han Park. What was really funny and super-racist throughout the entire film were the clips they'd show of the Korean Team and how they trained. They were portrayed as...machine-like monsters. Described as training 24/7, 365 days a year and shit. They eat, sleep, breathe and defecate karate chops. It was really excessive. Also it highlighted how fucking dumb it was to have all those chalkasians on the US Team. You're telling me this go hard as fuck Korean team's competition are some measly corn-eating ass niggas from Bumfuck, Wherever, USA? NOPE. That's not even close to realistic. End this movie before it even starts. 

So Tommy fights Dae Han Park. At first he's losing, then SURPRISE, he's not anymore. Shock. Tommy is destroying Dae. At some point, Dae is just standing up sort of zombie-swaying. He looks like he's about to crumble. It's a very F I N I S H  H I M moment. But it's made clear that if Tommy takes the shot, Dae Han will die. But Dae took the shot when fighting Tommy's bro, so?????? But Tommy is noble or whatever, and lets Dae live. Then Dae like hugs Tommy or some shit? Idk, the ending is hella gay and also that would never happen. But, sure! Sure sure!!

In conclusion, this movie was trash and I can't believe there are sequels that I absolutely will be watching ugh. I hope ugh Chris ugh Penn ugh is ugh in ugh tughem. 

bye

The Good Son (1993)

This is one of my favorite terrible films. Firstly, it stars two of my all-time fave child actors. I'm someone who cares, specifically, about child actors from the nineties. Because that's when I was a kid? Like who are the relevant child stars today? I have no idea. Lily from Modern Family? Diane from Blackish? Yes, they're cute, but neither of them are Raven-Symoné, so. And certainly neither of those hos are my queen Macaulay Culk. For no reason, I really love Macaulay Culkin. (I read Junior...) Eventho I've seen him act as an adult, and his shit left much to be desired. I don't always feel like I have to love someone because they're talented lol. Macaulay just has that je ne sais quoi bullshit that makes not totally talented people star-worthy or whatever. Like Rihanna. Macaulay is the child actor version of Rihanna. Are these songs (movies)...good? Mmmm...??? Is the singing (acting)...acceptable?? Ehhhh...BUT THERE'S SOMETHING! THERE'S SOMETHING HERE I LIKE/LOVE. Maybe it's their uniqueish first names. Like, who's named Macaulay/Rihanna? And follow up questsh: When am I going to finally end my life????!

Elijah Wood is better at acting than Mac, right? Mac is sort of robotish or something. Which works here, as he is playing a fucking sociopath. Anyway, I love them both! Elijah is really cute and cries good and stuff, while Mac is sort of an enigma to me and has black people lips for no reason. So this movie is already great for having both of these idiots I really love in it. If only they'd thrown in Joe Mazzello to complete the child star trifecta/threesome and make this 100% perfect. Joe could've played like a dopey neighbor boy. Or like, just a younger version of Dustin from The Social Network. Extended belly for no reason and all! If anyone's reading this, which I doubt, they have...they just have zero idea what's happening right now sigh. 

Another great thing this film has that I love is ~a crazy kid~. I guess I'm into the psycho kid thing? Though I'm 100% never on Team Bad Seed. Like...have you ever seen Joshua? Team Sam Rockwell the entire time, I think. Lol @ when he pets his son's head and is like IT FEELS LIKE A HELMET, BUDDY. lol or something like that. Like, Sam, who's doing your kid's hair?? lol that movie...is a treasure. Or shit like Orphan - what is with Vera Farmiga being in all these crazy ass kids productions?? - where the psycho kid turned out to spoiler alert not even be a kid? Come on, that's cheating. And I definitely hated The Bad Seed in The Bad Seed. Patty McCormack needed to go somewhere with all that fake ass pigtails-having ass shit. Like, you're just being too obvious for me. Macaulay is too obvious in this movie, too lol. Like, it's awkward to watch Elijah telling the parents HEY YOUR KID IS FUCKING INSANE and them, like, slapping him and locking him away in rooms like "omg Elijah give it a rest". Ummmmm. Mac's just so obviously crazy and he so obviously murdered your son wtf?!?! 

Okay let me start at the beginning like four paragraphs into this mess but okay. 

So. Elijah Wood's character is named Mark, and he's @ a soccer game when his dad, played by David Morse, rudely interrupts, to pick him up to go see his dying ass mommy in the hospital. 

Right. Look how annoyed he is to be there instead of scoring goals, like. 

What I LOVE about this scene, is that Mark promises his mommy he won't let her die. Which, lol. Like, what exactly does he think he's going to do?? AND THEN THEY CUT TO THE NEXT SCENE AND IT'S HER FUNERAL. Like omg is this movie trolling? Was trolling a thing in 1993?? They can't be serious lol to have this precious little boy promising his mother that she won't die and then have the exact next scene be him walking up to her fucking casket or whatever. LIKE, COME ON, YOU CAN'T BE THIS HORRIBLE LOL. But honestly, why am I shocked - considering the film's subject matter. Like they straight-up have a psycho ass little boy who drowned his brother prob cuz he was cuter than him, like honestly. 

REAL QUICK LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW HENRY'S LITTLE BRO THAT HE KILLED IS RORY CULKIN

In my brain there are only three Culkins: Mac, Kieran & Rory. I know there are actually like 12 million, and one of those other ones is even in the movie

?????

But I only care about Mac, Kieran & Rory. What is my Culkin order? I think currently it's 1. Kieran, 2. Rory and 3. Mac? Hm...this is bad? Why is Rory number two? Like when is the last movie I've even seen him in what is this 2010??? Also I loved how no one asked me my Culkin order except for myself? Like I just asked myself my Culkin order for no reason?? Also who tf has a "Culkin order"????? Wow, just. 

Anyway back to the! Back to the...sigh. 

So Mark goes to live with Henry and his fam! David Morse conveniently has to go to Vegas like directly after the funeral to handle some business deal. He's like "...I don't want to leave Mark, he needs me". Yeahp. Your son sure does! Couldn't David Morse have told his fucking business partners that his wife just died and could they maybe handle their business deal over the carphone or fax machine or whatever the fucking technology was back then??? Like, come on! But whatever...for some reason, Henry's dad is really insistent that David Morse go handle his deal and that he and his wife will look after Mark while he's gone. Also conveniently? It's winter break. For I guess two weeks?? But when the movie opens Mark was playing soccer???? Is soccer winter?????? SURE, FINE, OKAY!

So when Mark gets to the house, he meets Susan

They have this weird, almost romantic sort of ~love @ first sight~ sort of moment?? Like they're in a field about to run into each other's arms??? They both looked sort of shocked to see each other, but happy. Susan says something that gets across she hasn't seen Mark since he was a baby. MY ISSUE? Why the fuck wasn't Susan at the funeral????? Isn't she Mark's aunt??? How...how was she related to Mark's mom? They were close to some extent! She had a picture of that bitch in her house like what the fuck?? She hasn't seen Mark since he was a baby and she didn't go to the bitch's funeral?? Uh okay lol. Maybe they lived really far apart? But Susan's ol' dude was at the funeral, so??? I mean, I guess she stayed home to take care of the kids? It just bothered me she hadn't gone to the funeral, and also Mark didn't know she lost a kid? What?? Her child died... What's up with the family dynamics here? And if they barely speak to each other, why the fuck is David Morse just dropping Mark off like it's all good? If Mark is on winter break, couldn't you have taken him to Vegas with you?? Like these people are nearly strangers to him... - come on, white people be trippin'. 

So right away Henry is trippin'. And not even white people trippin', though he is a very particular white boy kind of ~bad ass~~. Not bad ass, as in cool. But bad ass, as in, like, some lil vanilla milkshake ass nigga who'd shoot up their pre-school because they didn't get a gold star that week, ya feel me?? Ugh. 

Like, Mark's first night staying with them, Henry is pulling some weird sadomasochism ass shit, like punching Mark at the dinner table...and then Mark punches him back...and they smile??? Or were they playing footsies I forgot? 

LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW FUCKING GAY THIS MOVIE IS.

No?? Is it inappropriate to be reading homoerotic subtext in a movie starring little kids?? Like, I'm the weird one for sexualizing shit, but who made this movie hm???? Who wrote this shit hmmm??? Like, okay, I'm weird, but the more fucked up one is the person who wrote this shit. And then was like "lol let's film it". Okay? I'm not the worst one in this situation! And don't tell me whoever wrote this shit didn't intend for things to be gay as hell, because why then go ahead and cast pouty lipped ass Culkin and adorable twink gap-toothed ass fucking Elijah Wood, hmmm??? Hm???? 

So anyway! Henry is BAD!!!

HE SMOKES CIGARETTES!!! 

AND PEER PRESSURES NON-SMOKERS INTO SMOKING BY SPOUTING NIHILIST ASS NIETZSCHE ASS YOLO DOLO ASS FUCKING SCRIPTURE.

Hold on here. I had a huge prob with Henry just wandering all around in the woods, going to fucking cemeteries; he had a fucking tree house that was high up as hell and had a dangerous ass ladder leading up to it - where the fuck is he getting cigarettes? WHERE ARE THE PARENTS HERE??? WHY DON'T THEY PAY ATTENTION TO HIM?? WHY DO THEY JUST ALLOW HIM TO GO ANYWHERE ADVENTURING ALL THROUGHOUT THE WOODS AND SHIT AND PLAYING IN ABANDONED FACTORIES AND THROWING ROCKS AT WINDOWS AND SHIT? This is how Columbine happens, people! Like, get this little nigga right now!! Snatch his ass up and tell him to stay in the house and do chores! Or is locking your kids up how Columbine happens? Both??? When does Columbine not happen? Like...what's the happy medium? I guess...don't be white??? Well, sigh, what the fuck is Henry supposed to do about that??? He can't help his whiteness!! But look at Mark! Mark would never Columbine, right? Soccer is the answer, I think. And a more stylish haircut. He got that Jonathan Brandis 'do, and, even though his mother is dead as fuck, he'll always be a stylish nineties pre-teen. Henry? Eh. Like he has cool sneaks and stuff, but he's a little too Oshkosh B'gosh for my taste. He will not be killing it in middle school, I can tell you that much!! 

So Henry is a piece of shit because his parents don't watch him. They're too busy buying chunky cable knit turtlenecks and not cleaning out the shrine that is their dead son's room, to worry about parenting their bad ass son. So that's why Henry kills dogs and stuff. At this point I'm yelling @ the screen for Mark to tell someone about this psychopath, but then later on in the movie I felt bad because he did tell on Henry and no1 believed him. The message of this story is definitely never report any crimes you see. Snitches get stitches, and that's just way too true in so many ways. Is your best friend a baby murdering psychopath? Shh, yo. No one will believe you, and also if you tell he'll probably find out and be mean to you. You def don't want to be on a murdering psychopath's bad side. But like, what is their good side??????

What I don't like about this movie is that they didn't take any real risks. The only legit shocking thing that happens, happened off-screen and in the past, what with Henry drowning the little brother. But in the movie, he only kills that dog. And we don't even get to see it. Not that.......I wanted to see it. But no one is in any real danger here. The sister doesn't drown lol which I 100% wanted her to, he doesn't touch any other members of the family, and the Mr. Highway stunt ends up only giving people involved in the crash "minor injuries". Like, if you're going to go there with the whole bad seed angle, like, go there. There was like a crazy car pile-up when he dropped Mr. Highway and you're telling me NO MAJOR INJURIES? lol, okay. 

Do I really love this^ scene? I think yes. Henry is like "Mom, Mark wants to move into [dead kid]'s room!!"  and Mark is like "...I didn't say that!" while the mom is getting all panicked and uncomfortable about the thought of moving someone else into Dead Kid's room. And then the dad is like "Susan, it's a good idea". LIKE, DAMN, SON. Way to put your wife on blast in front of the kids, what the fuck??? She's all uncomfortable and shit! lol, wtf, lay off. And then Mark keeps saying..."But I didn't say that" and aw I felt so bad for him. Like I'd be crying if Macaulay did that to me omg. Because Susan is totally his replacement mom and he wants her to love him and Henry is trying to ruin that relationship obviously and I'd just throw up. Also I really love Macaulay here, I think? This is such a...strange film to allow your child to act in lol. I wonder how old he and Elijah were when they filmed this. Maybe pre-teens? Maybe younger? I just wonder how aware they were of the material and what they were doing lol. Macaulay seemed almost too aware to me, like you're playing this psychotic ass kid a little too well for me please stop looking like that please!!!

STOP IT!!!! 

So...after the sister ends up in the hospital because Henry was just watching her drown in that cold ass water

LIKE DID NO ONE SEE HIM JUST CHILLIN'??? lol Mark did and then he tried to say some shit and he got slapped BUT OKAY! Anyway, so after the sister ends up in the hospital and Mark tries to tell the mom about Henry and he gets slapped, Susan approaches Henry like "...what happened on the ice". And Henry is all *blank sociopath face* "lol, we already went over this :)". And the Mom just nods like "hah yeah" BUT YOU CAN TELL SHE'S TOTALLY SUSPICIOUS OF THIS LITTLE DEMON NOW - FINALLY! But also now Henry knows Mark tried to snitch, so he's threatening him and shit. Threatening to kill everyone. I'd be like "lol as long as you don't touch me, sweetie :))))". I think Mark calls his dad and is like GETCHOR ASS OVER HERE NOW THIS CRAZY NIGGA IS TRYNA KILL ME!!! I was half expecting David Morse to be like "lol boys'll be boys" or some shit like that, but he says he's coming to get Mark, but in the meanwhile, Mark should go to that loopy therapist bitch he's been seeing. Mark goes to see her, but Henry has already beat him to the punch and of course he's spinning it so that Mark looks like the crazy one, eventho Henry is just clearly the insane one lol he's way too calm come on it's always the calm ones. Like, where did this therapist get her degree - DeVry? Come on. 

So the "Don't fuck with me" line comes from Henry confronting Mark, I think, after Susan questions Henry. He's getting scared and it's adorable!!! I might be getting my timeline wrong, though. I forgot a lot of things that happened even though I've seen this movie multiple times. Like...what's the dad? Just. what is he??

So Susan finally has a real confrontation with Henry when she finds dead kid's rubber duckie in Henry's creepy serial killer lair. She's all like, "............Why do you have this, Henry? You know I've been looking for this." Henry sums it up that the duck was his first. DID THIS NIGGA KILL HIS LITTLE BRO OVER SOME FUCKING RUBBER DUCKIE? Wow, cis white male entitlement to the eXtreem lol. Susan straight-up asks Henry if he killed Rory. Henry is like YUP. This nigga really doesn't care. However, he is afraid of being locked up in an asylum. His fears seemed suspiciously grown up. Like, why is he so aware of insane asylums and what would happen to someone like him?? So odd. But all of his behavior is really weird, and a lot of things he says in the movie are very adult. And not adult like how he tells Mark not to fuck with him and it's like *shock* a kid cursing! Just...a lot of things Henry says and the way he speaks should be beyond his...mental capacity?? Even if he's like a really intellectual little kid, it doesn't entirely add up. I feel like the writers were just like...okay crazy kid...let's just give him Hannibal Lecter's monologues from The Silence of the Lambs and blammo1!! Except, no....

My fave :') Definitely the best part of the movie is when the mom is at the top of the cliff and she has Henry dangling from one arm and Mark from the other. Mark is slipping and about to fall, Susan chooses to shake Henry off her arm to save Mark, the good son. WHAT'S SO FUNNY TO ME IS...couldn't...Mark have latched on to Henry and then Susan could have pulled them both up? lol Or do I not understand physics or whatever? Probably that, but also I feel like the filmmaker(s) were really reaching so they could have that pivotal dramatic ass moment with Susan choosing Mark's life over her own son's lol. I wouldn't need to have them both dangling off a cliff to shove Henry to his death, but lol okay!!! I was wondering, however, how Susan would explain this mess to the cops. Well, she's white, so prob they wouldn't investigate too deeply, but - Susan already has that one dead kid. And a drowning death can be suspicious. It'd definitely become a hell of a lot more suspicious if yet another kid turns up dead. Wouldn't they be like, "Hey...why were you out there on that cliff with them like that??" Would she tell the cops, "Look, it's the newly dead kid who killed the other dead kid, ok?"?? Would Mark back her up?? Even if he did, I feel like child services would be like "You know...you and kids, Susan? Doesn't really mix!! How 'bout we just take your last alive kid away from you and you can focus on other activities. You're a doctor or some shit, right? Do that! Spend all the free time you have not raising anymore kids, becoming a better doctor!! Also, maybe get a less obvious early nineties hairdo. Like, you're not Bridget Fonda and...like...even if you were, why would you want to be????" 

Belle (2013)

What takes this film from just being an ordinary run-of-the mill sort of period piece slash romance thing is definitely, obviously, the racial aspect. It's cool to learn the story of a black person during such a seemingly super white ass time. Even though no time was ever a wholly white ass time, but definitely blacks were pushed to the background during these times to be slaves and shit. Supporting characters, like, literally. Too literally, haha, but anyway!! 

Definitely the star of the show here is Gugu Mbatha-Raw, whom I've been stanning for since I discovered she existed. I guess when that undercovers show came out that I didn't even watch and it's my fault it was cancelled probably? But I saw her one day and was like wow she's gorgeous and so became a fan just based off that because I am not shallow in any way at all whatsoever!! Then after I ~~discovered~~ her, she turned up in that piece of trash Larry Crowne which holds the distinct characteristic of being one of the few films on Earth I am genuinely honestly confused about why it exists; why it got written, cast, filmed, produced, etcetc. But Gugu was there! And she was cute af!! But she's not just cute!! It's cool when I don't have to feel super gross just loving a person because I like their look. Like she has talent and so I can pretend that's why I loved her all along!! Yes, god is good. 

Ultimately, though, I feel this movie left me underwhelmed. I think? I mean...it really would have been any ordinary sort of period drama that I'd likely skip over had it not the element of Dido Belle's story, which keeps it interesting. Also, Gugu. So, idk, maybe I wasn't underwhelmed, maybe this was what I was expecting. I wasn't excited to see the film, just Gugu, really. Because honestly, judging from the trailers, it was looking a little cheesy, maybe? A little overwrought, perhaps? Idk. But the movie runs fairly smoothly, though it's sort of clichéy, though I guess...racism is sort of cliché, yeah? YEAH!!! 

Some notes or whatever ugh: 

Baby Dido Belle is like really cute. 

Like, what is this?!??!! Also I feel like she was a good match for Older Dido, played by Gugu. I hate when I'm watching shit and the younger version looks absolutely fucking nothing like their older counterpart. Like, come on, are you even trying?? So they definitely tried here, and good job!! Gold star yay!!!

Some questions, though, concerning...I guess child Dido. Like...who was she living with? I'm--did her mother die before she met her? I'm so confused about how, like, she came to be. Her dad, Matthew Goode, apparently met her mom on a ship or something??? And then??? What really made me uncomfy in my nautica is...I feel like the movie was trying to portray Dido's dad as being like...a "good" white because he was publicly claiming Dido and saying nice shit about her slave mom, but................why is Dido living in some random slum when he picks her up, and...what the fuck happened to the mom? Like, his whole vibe was off-putting to me. And also he just dumps her at the house and takes off on some ship? Like I get he had to obey the King or whoever and go to work, but...idk, he rubbed me the wrong way and definitely I don't think the movie wanted me to...be rubbed...incorrectly by Matthew Goode? 

Speaking of Matthew Goode! So.......is this what his career is now? Remember when he was supposed to become like really huge??? But maybe he had a cunty attitude and Hollywood was like "lol no nvm"?Q???!?! What I remember about Matthew Goode, circa like 2008 or whatever when he was supposed to blow up, was him throwing shade at Ben Whishaw, and so it makes me happy that no1 cares about him now lol because who the fuck do you think you are talking shit about Ben Whishaw :')?????? lol and now niggas like Benedict Cumberbitch are blowing up and...honestly I'm going to need for Matthew to have another go at super-stardom because I can't really deal with Cumberburger like...it's...it's not really what I want at this point in time. Well, whatever, there are other non-American niggas to love. LIKE MY QUEEN TOMMY HARDY. Wow, talking about Tom Hardy for no reason again like he has nothing to do with this movie???? And also I love Ben Mendelsohn slightly more than Tom so why didn't I mention him?????!????????¿¿¿¿¿¿

Did I care about Dido's cousin? Not.......really. Also I was waiting the whole movie for her to blow up at Dido and say some can't-take-that-back ass shit to her and she did and I was like "there it go" AND THEN DIDO DIDN'T EVEN PUNCH THIS BITCH IN THE FACE?? And like a couple of scenes later was consoling this bitch on the steps or some shit because she couldn't get a man?????!?! Um, okaaaay. Wow if my cousin still wanted to marry some nigga who thought I was trash (even though I am) and also she called me "inferior" to her new nigga...um.......I certainly wouldn't be consoling this bitch or even continuing to speak to her because what the fuck how dare you I am perfect and amazing and Tom Felton's forehead is GINORMOUS. HOW DARE YOU BE TEAM GINORMOUS FOREHEAD OVER TEAM NORMAL-SIZED FOREHEAD, BISH??? Absolutely atrocious!! 

I was really into Davinier. First of all, I loved the way his veneers or whatever were getting in the way of his lips when he spoke. And I love how every time he spoke he was basically fucking ranting lol, like he was 1,000% not chill at all in any way. He was super passionate about his work and Dido and I was just really here for it and glad I didn't have to side-eye him really at any point in the movie. So thumbs up!! OMG and when Lord Mansfield discovered Dido was going into town to see him and he like ambushed Dido and Davinier in the carriage and Davinier was getting all shouty like I LOVE HER!! Literally screaming at the top of his lungs lol omg - that killlllllllllllllled me. That was one of two moments that had me tearing up a little. There were some weird feelings in my eyeballs area, ngl. 

The other one concerned Mabel. First of all, Bethan Mary James is really pretty. So yas to the black people being the prettiest in the film, and yas to me continuing to be shallow as fuck forever & always :') 

I really wish I had a screencap of that scene when Mabel teaches Dido how to comb her fucking hair. Idk if white people teared up at that, but my black ass did. Like, can you imagine going all that time not knowing how to deal with your unruly ass hair?? God - and their faces in that scene??!?! PLEASE KILL ME! That really got me and thank god a black bitch directed this film because probably real ass shit like that would not have made it into the movie. But also this entire movie wouldn't have even been made :') Or it would, but it'd be directed by Steven Spielberg, and told through the lens of one of the whites. Probably through Davinier's eyes, which would have made me hate him :')) 

Sooooooooooooooo. All three of these individuals were trash. All the same degree of trash, I refuse to put any above the other because occasionally in the film they decided they were going to accept Dido for one reason or another. The thing is, all of their reasons were trash. Even the non-Draco brother who sort of seemed like he accepted Dido but it was really clear from jumpstreet he was on some jungle fever ish and then later he's like "We'll ignore your black side lol!!!". Like, homey, no. So they can all drown in a fire for all I care. But also they were really cliché, right? But, again, racism is cliché, right? So? Am I allowed to be like "wow, they cliché af" when...like...duh. They're white. So. Maybe if their racism was less...idk...maybe if they just portrayed a different kind of racism, I'd be less eyerolling about it? I mean...I guess the mom and the non-Draco bro sort of showed different racism lol...then I've seen in these oldtimey racism pics. Fuck, idk, it was just so obvious come on white people do something new. Get more creative!!! 

And! ah...Draco was doing too much lol. It was too much, come on, admit it. He was like full-on sneering. lol Like. First of all, Dido is rich, so fall way the fuck back disrespecting her like that. This nigga acting classless as fuck. Like this movie took place in Alabama in the fifties or some shit and he some nigga in overalls yelling at lil Ruby trying to go to the first integrated school. Come on, my guy, you're wearing like a powdered wig. BE WAY MORE SUBTLE IN A POWDERED WIG, FAM.

I liked Dido's relationship with Lord Mansfield. It was...cute? Idk. But I'm glad he wasn't constantly talking out his ass, though he was hella annoying me still adhering to racist ass rules when he essentially has a black daughter. Like, hurry the fuck up and change everything to accommodate your angel right this minute! Like......are you serious making her eat in another room during dinner time? UM, OKAAAY????? So...okay this relationship wasn't as cute as I thought lol...but I just...idk...I guess I was expecting her family to be wayyyyy more racist and gross than they actually ended up being in the film, and I was...just sigh-glad they weren't. I mean, gross @ them segregating her during meal times and being like DIDO WILL NEVER FIND A MAN...but idk...they changed their gross opinions eventually and...they loved her and I just wasn't expecting that, so. Ugh. 

lol, so, when they finally revealed the portrait, I HAD NO IDEA IF IT WAS OKAY OR NOT. Like, I couldn't tell from Dido's face if it was racist or not lol. Because she was so worried throughout the film that she'd be placed in the inferior position in the portrait like all those other portraits she's seen. Right and I was worried, too. For some reason! Even though I've already seen this painting, I think? But they opened up to it with like a close-up shot and it looked like her cousin was pushing her? lol, idk, but I was confused at first if the painting was okay, but then Dido said some stuff that assured me she loved it and was happy or whatever. lol, so good!! But what an awkward fucking position they're in, right? Like.....wtf is happening? lol. Cute? Tho??? Right? Yes?? Please tell me how to feel sigh

One Direction: This Is Us (2013)

I'm a fake ass One Direction fan. 

My 1D order is: Zayn. 

Zayn is no longer in the band and I am Team Zolo Dolo hardcore. This was an awkward documentary to watch, though, because my fave, ~the mysterious one~, is barely fucking in it. Also you can just really tell how fake I am by watching this doc like two years after it came out. I definitely enjoy 1D's music, like I'm pretty obsessed with the latest album Four, and they have a lot of poppin' songs on the other albums as well. I'm fake in that I only started caring about 1D back in the day because it looked like a lot of gay stuff was going on, and I love gay stuff. No homeo bromeo type shit. I was reluctantly into the video for "What Makes You Beautiful" even though I dislike songs where dudes are telling chicks, "Hey, I think you're cute, so stop being insecure lol xoxoxo ;)" Like, gag. But also they were like teens when that song came out so I'll give it a pass. Also I just like the song...like how it sounds, sigh. And Harry being hella obnoxious in the video is what I remember a lot. So I started out being shallowly interested in Harry, which led me to discover the ~~gay stuff~~, mainly concerning he and Louis, but also all of them are constantly touching each other all the time and rough housing and just being very that beginning part in a porn about a boys sleepover. Not that...I've ever............

So anyway! At first I was into Harry, who sort of seemed like maybe he was the Beyoncé or JT?? At first. Idk why. But that was who intrigued me first, but he wasn't enough to get me to really care about the band in like a legitimate way, and neither was their playful gay ass rough housing. But they were on my radar. I watched some videos of Liam singing online and was like "omg, he actually has a good voice" lol, so he sort of bumped Harry out of my head as the main one I'd be interested. But still I listened to other music and cared about other bands/artists way more than them??? It wasn't really until "Steal My Girl" came out and I became obsessed with that song that I really got into them lol which was like...last year. So I'm fake af, but I really really got into the music and also ZAYN. So I'm also almost a fake af Zayn fan, but not really because I legitimately really love him and his voice and I think he's super-talented and pleeeaaassseee give meeeeëęėèéêē that solo droppppp. No, but I don't want to pressure him!! I don't want him to be woken up while he's asleep to tiredly record some fucking songs OMG DID YOU SEE THAT??! Omg this movie made me mad. Like...I mean...I guess they get what...being a touring artist is?? And I guess a lot...of artists have to do stuff like this? But I was so fucking mad when that dude woke Zayn up to record a fucking bridge like omg couldn't he have done it in the morning or something WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??! And he was all tired and shit singing sleepily PLEASE!!! LEAVE MY BABY ALONE!!

This entire doc made me mad concerning Zayn. 1, because he was barely in it. Like...there was soooooo much Niall. Why? Why, Lord? 

2, 

this^. Why? Why did you do this, documentary? Firstly, this moment almost made me shed a crystallized tear. However, it was so obviously staged for filming, and that made me extremely uncomfortable. Like, yes, I get how documentaries work. But...wow, Morgan Spurlock. Did you really force this mother and son to have this super-intimate personal ass moment on-screen for entertainment purposes? YES, I SAID I GET HOW DOCUMENTARIES WORK. PARTICULARLY YOURS. YES, THANK YOU. 

So anyway thanks for explaining why Zayn left the band :))))))))) ugh

Okay let's go over my 1D order again. 

1 - 5:

But okay Zolo is out of the band, so now let's go over whom I'll pretend to care about now that they're an ambrosia salad ass foursome. 

Whom I'll pretend to care about now:

Liam can sing, and also he called Zayn a sexy secretary in the doc. Liam strikes me as...earnest, but at the same time...fake? I think I'm saying fake because I think I read, prob on tumblr so prob it's false, that Liam sort of tries to keep a good face, even when he's clearly really stressed. And I felt like I could tell that by watching this? Like when they were in that store and all those fans were outside the door and he was sort of freaking out. First of all, if that was happening to me, I'd start crying. Crying and bitching and Ariana Grande-level talking shit about my fans. So the fact that Liam was only like "...it's a little strange". Wow, I felt bad for him because why wasn't he erupting into blood-curdling screams??? Confused!! 

But can we also talk about how Liam is a nazi?

lol remember when he was like shushing and hyping the crowd and it was like LOOK AT HOW POWERFULLLLL I AMMMMMMM. I think Niall also did this a couple of times. Wow, I could never be famous because 1st of all I'd be hella disrespectful to fans. If they were cheering for me or some shit I wouldn't get all Playful Hitler with them, I'd be all like "um, chill" and then they'd stop being fans and I'd lose all my money and go bankrupt and have to do commercials for Life Alert or one of those credit score websites. The American Dream. 

Alright now let's talk about when he was putting on pants

And was all like "keep the camera up here". Hmmm, okay Morgan Spurlock, okaaaay. 

Harry was my first love, so he'll always have a place in my heart. I like his voice - both his singing and speaking voice. I love a good...speaking voice. 

Now let's talk about how fake Harry is. lol remember when he went back to his bakery job? I guess this nigga thinks he's Josh Hutcherson from those Hungry Games movies?? Also the way he talks about baking as if he'd been doing it all his life and then he randomly auditioned for The X-Factor and his entire world was changed and omg he's Susan Boyle. Except, weren't you like twelve or fifteen or some shit lol before you auditioned? They're all like ~~we were regular lads AND THEN~~. Like, yes, but also you were only regular lads for like the first thirteen years of your life lol calm down. 

 

Harry's cute, though, and he has some ~funny~ moments in the movie. I Iaughed at his Keith Richards line? Siiiiiiiiigh. Also it was funny when Niall said Ireland was the best country or whatever and Harry was like "no, absolutely not" or something. Siigighgh I laughed siiiiighg. 

But omg can you imagine Harry and Taylor Swift dating?? Lol isn't her song "Style" about him? Why am I being gossipy right now but I just don't see how that ten day relati--oh. Right. It ended pretty quickly didn't it? Well, there ya go!! Team Larry even though I hate Louis 4evevevevrvrvevever/ 

Whom I will never care about, no matter how many "funny" ~~stunts~~ he pulls:

Like, I just don't lol. Like do even the diehard fans care?? lol But it's cool he plays the guitar??? But, gah, I just can't get that image of him walking, then running to the window out of my head. Remember when he was going to the window to show Morgan Spurlock or whoever how the fans would cheer if he opened the window? That was soooo awkward, and also they were probably cheering "Where's Zayn?" because that's what the fuck I'd be cheering. It's what I will always be cheering. 

Whom I hate with a passionate fury:

Look at that rat!!

I hate Louis' voice - both speaking and singing. Lol it's like...high. But...weak. And scratchy? Also I hate his face and his hair. Watch I end up loving him the most - this shit always happens!! Ugh, also he had some funny moments in the movie? Like when they were trying on stage outfits and he was like "This is my 'i'll rob your nan' look" or something siiiigh. He seems sassy, and like he pops off sometimes?? Idk, I DON'T WANT TO LIKE HIM BECAUSE I REALLY HATE HIM. He makes me go "ugh" a lot. But then when he made that fake ass return trip to his old job at Toys"R"Us and did a little thing on the piano - sigh. I refuse to like him. Unless he comes out really publicly one day, like, and ends up confessing his love for Zayn instead of Harry like everyone expects, then maybe I'll like him. But probably not. Zayn is too good for him, I won't approve of that relationship. 

So anyway I don't know why I watched this documentary, and I 100% regret it. It was not revealing in any way, and the lack of Zayn really made me sad. And then I started feeling guilty for wanting him to be on-screen more, like clearly he doesn't like that type of attention and stuff like this is why he left the band??? Ugh, life is so hard. I wish I liked the other ones who clearly are more into...I guess...being famous? Like I wish I really loved Niall instead of feeling entirely indifferent towards him???? It's like...I want things to be hard, you know? But anyway, I sort of hope music docs go back to the Purple Rain style of doing things. Like, totally, make a "doc" centered around your music to promote it, and then write like a shitty screenplay to accompany the music. And star in it and be really terrible but secretly amazing. 100% I'd watch a One Direction: One Movie or some bullshit like that. It'd be less fake than this fucking documentary, I'll tell you that much. How many more times will I write the word fake. You're frauds!! And I'm pretty sure Louis is Tom Cruise dressed as that rodent from Ratatouille. Someone look into that!!