Team Tammy: Unforgivable (1996)

Let me just get this out of the way and say that Unforgivable is a pretty good made for tv movie. I mean, it's cliché out the ass, like all of them are, but it holds up. I think it was pretty inspired casting to place John Ritter's goofy ass in the role of The Abuser. This was different from The Burning Bed, though, where I felt Paul Le Mat was too goofy to be believable as an abuser. John was goofy here, but not Three's Company or JD's dad on Scrubs goofy - it was goofy in like, this dude is pathetic and it's just so obvious why he's beating on his wife and terrorizing his family, those weaker than him. It was legit scary and disturbing and I thought John Ritter did a really good job in a role that's been played pretty cheesily by a million and one has-beens and never was. You can tell he was legit because this movie could've been a real mess. 

Now, with me giving props to the movie for being good and John Ritter for being believable as a wife beater, let's get into how that all set the stage for me getting way too into this movie lol and cheering for my bae Tammy every time she was on the screen. 

So okay. John plays a man named Paul Hegstrom. Paul is married to Judy and they have three kids. RIGHT AWAY the movie is popping off with domestic violence and I'm like Okay. Like, can a bitch get prepared first damn!  But also right away, I'm living for Queen Tammy. She's like mad grossed out by her dad. 

YOU KNOW WHAT! I was so disgusted right away as the movie opened lol and that's so much part of why I was identifying with Tammy. Like, they had John Ritter tearing into his wife because she what? Had the audacity to call him at work. lol what? And the kicker is his bitch ass told her to call him! Girl, okay! So after John has finishing tearing on her ass, he starts like condescendingly kissing her on the mouth. I was...disgusted. And then in the following scene, Tammy sees her mom's bruises and then her dad comes in and tries to like hug her or something and she thwarts him and I immediately knew whom I'd be checking for for the rest of the movie. 

So fast-forward to Paul leaving the family to go be with his mistress. You know what pissed me off? I thought I was going to be LIVING for the mistress before I found out she was the mistress. She was just some chick working at the bar Paul and his co-worker were harassing women at, lowkey dragging them for their lives. Later I think Paul is stalking this bitch, bout to rape her or something, only to find out they fucking. OH, REALLY NOW?? I deaded this bitch in my heart. Then Paul threw her homewrecking ass through a glass shower door, but not before she attempted to fight his ass back, so I made a tiny space back for her in my heart. Sigh.

Okay, but why she aint press charges? In lieu of pressing charges, she requires Paul attend some Abusers Anonymous meetings, and stay away from her. Girl, whatever. HE THREW YOU THROUGH A GLASS DOOR! But all his bitch, bloated ass gotta do is visit the basement of a church three times a week? AND HE HAD THE AUDACITY TO TRY AND COMPLAIN AND GET HER TO RENEGE THE DEAL AS IF HIS ASS COULDN'T BE SITTING ON SOME NIGGA'S DICK IN PRISON INSTEAD! I was entirely through. 

Kevin Dunn plays the counselor dude who runs the Abusers Anonymous meetings, and I really liked him here, his calming sort of presence, in contrast to those hype, aggy ass dudes in the group. I was CACKLING at how United Nations their Abusers Squad was. They had Paul's white ass, another white but lower class, another white but country and a lawyer; a Native American (girl), Hispanic George Constanza, and some black dude named Spider. Chile cheese. This group was honestly doing the most. You know what I really did not like about this movie? How, like, sympathetic they were tryna make us be to these dudes. Were they doing that or am I projecting? Idk, it seemed weird that these niggas are putting bitches in hospitals and shit and all they have to do is go to group therapy which clearly doesn't work all that much. And then Spider's big ass was up there talking about you have to ~leave your past behind~ or some mess. Yeah, I wonder how well that's working out for your victims. BUT ANYWAY! 

Oh, okay, so I guess it ~works~ for Paul. His BIG TEST is when he asks Judy if they can get back together and she SPAZZES on that ass. Instead of punching her in her fucking face and karate kicking her upside the damn head, Paul runs away. You know, like, in order to avoid pummeling her to death. Nice. Success! 

You know what sincerely pissed me off? That was such A Moment for Judy, her going in on Paul. But the movie fucked it up to ultimately make it a moment for Paul. Like, HE DID IT! HE DIDN'T A B U S E!! Yo, like, congrats for doing some shit millions of people do every day. You're a hero, basically. The fuck. This society is such a mess. Like I was really heated they had Judy go off on his ass, WHICH WAS GREAT, only to immediately diminish it by having her look terrified she said all that shit, then have Paul dramatically not beat her up, for fucking once in his life. Don't ever photoshop an abusive nigga's pissy ass redemption narrative over a women's empowerment moment. This is like the first time probably ever in this bitch's life she stood up for herself, and they cut it short to do some ugly ass Powerpoint slideshow rewind to when Paul was terrorizing her. Oh, but look now: He's not as much! Except he is? Like did he really ask if they could get back together after all that shit he did? He nearly killed a bitch but he deserves a family? Nah.

So, anyway, Team Tammy. Because not for one second did this bitch falter on her stance: I do not fuck with that nigga - miss me. I was so glad that they never once had her softening on him. I also loved her for calling the fam stupid and weak for letting him back in. Apparently this shit was based on real people and like Paul and Judy and Tammy and 'em actually exist? Hmm. I liked how the little ~update~ said in so many words, "Tammy still don't fuck with this nigga", after they also said that Paul and Judy got back together and have stayed together since. GIRL, WHAT? Talking about Paul rehabilitated. Okay. I watched this shit on YouTube (anyway) and in the comments one person likened "neutered" Paul to Hulk like right before he goes green. His clothes shredding a bit, but he's keeping it ~under control~. They...put it better. But I agreed. And they were like, I'm supposed to applaud this? Like, exactly. Girl, bye to all of this. I don't understand why Judy did all that to get her life together only to return to the nigga who fucked her life up in the first place. How can you "love" someone who ruins your fucking life? What the hell. Bitches be trippin, I guess. 

Oh, I forgot to talk about my other bae besides Tammy, the manager nigga at the car dealership Paul worked at before that ass got FIRED. Every time he showed up on screen he was dragging Paul to hell and back by his little bits of hair. I was fucking L I V I N G, BITCH! Anyway, bye. 

Schitt's Creek

Does anybody remember Instant Star? Just randomly the other day I was thinking of that Hope Partlow song "Sick Inside" and how it played between episodes of Degrassi when I used to binge their marathons in my depressed ~*~TeEn YeArS~*~. That was my jam. Then I started thinking of my other jams during that time, like that one song by Skye Sweetnam lol which lead me to thinking about my ultimate jam during that time, "Skin" by Alexz Johnson. "Skin" was A MOMENT song on the show Alexz starred on Instant Star, which was thankfully not Radio Free Roscoe. As long as a show wasn't Radio Free Roscoe, it was my show. So anyway I'm thinking about Instant Star and how that was my show (I was a fake fan and only watched like one and a half seasons; like when Alexz went blonde I was OUTTA THERE, BITCH! smh), and I had this EPIPHANY! I realized the bearded like hippie, outdoorsy sorta dude on Schitt's Creek was the ~heartTHROB~*~* from Instant Star. I completely forget his name on the show and don't feel like looking it up because I'm a bitch and lazy and have zero respect for Canadians and Canadian actors especially, but yeah! Lol he was on that show! No, cuz I was watching Schitt's a month or so ago on Netflix and I am like.......why does he look familiar to me. I kept thinking I maybe saw him play Superman on a TV show once? But I would never watch something so terrible sounding as that, so that couldn't've been it. Omg you know what. Like, I could've looked his ass up lol I am so lazy, but I am so happy I had my epiphany and finally realized why he looked familiar and OH EM GEE I am listening to music on shuffle rn and "Sick Inside" just came on! I manifested it with my bullshit! 

I want to die so badly immediately (joking!, universe). But anyway all that tragedy brings me to finally talking about Schitt's Creek, which is what I initially came here for smh please help me.

So remember how up there I said I had no respect for Canadians in general but their so-called "actors" especially? Anyway I was just being a bitch and I love Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy and this show is so amazing to have both of them and I am so happy :') 

So Schitt's Creek is about a rich family who loses everything I think to some Bernie Madoff type scammer? The only thing they have left in assets is a town called Schitt's Creek the patriarch of the family bought his son, I believe, as a joke. 

So they go to Schitt's to begin rebuilding and gaining back their fortune. Schitt's is some bodunk shit (ha..) town. Like, the mayor of the town, Roland Schitt, played by Chris Elliott--I think he owns the motel the Rose Family move into? Lol like they move in and Roland is showing them around and being all up in their room and taking a shit and everything lol like wtf kinda mayor is this?  

The show is funny because you have these like ridiculous rich people paired up with, I guess, more normal (not really) townsfolk types. And there's just obvious comedy with everything dealing with the shitty motel they have to stay in, and their dealings with the townspeople. My fave on the show is DAY-VID!, played by Eugene Levy's Son, I believe? I didn't look this up, but if that kid didn't come directly out of his dick, I'm suing. 

I love David. He's playing like, just a shallow, kinda incompetent, sarcastic-y rich kid. I also auto-assumed he was gay (tho it could be the Canadian thing), but they reveal he's more pan or bi maybe? Very casually almost but I was side-eyeing it because the only chick he hooks up with is basically his twin in female form and it's just like okay gurl and YIKES.

Who's my second-fave bae after David? Prob Catherine O'Hara's character who plays some faded like crazy soap opera star. She's so funny and ott. And then the sister who is awful and always wearing headbands but she's funny in her awful, headband wearingness. 

I love the interactions between the family the best, it's just jokes after jokes, and I love when David interacts with his dad because he is rude and I just think it's cute to see Eugene Levy and Eugene Levy's Son interacting onscreen. But in general I just love how rude the whole family is to each other lol but they're still, at the end of the day, a family unit (wtf am I talking about). Wait but why am I still crying at when David ran away to live with those Amish people and they couldn't wait to get rid of him lol and he had all those fucking black clothes on smh this show is the best and why are there only two seasons? Are there more seasons and there were just two on Netflix? This show should never end I'm feeling some type of way..  

But yeah anyway that dude from Instant Star is on here lol. And that's primarily what I came here to be weird about because I literally forgot everything that happened because I watched this some months ago and got briefly mad it was over and wanted to forget it existed. But look: can this show keep happening? I don't understand, didn't they have this on TBS? Have you seen the original shows TBS has on there now? Ummmm, no! Lol. Put this back! Unless this was just an import and originally belonged to Canada and maybe still is happening hopefully? I'm too lazy to look can...if there are more seasons can Netflix put them up there??? WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL WAITING FOR THEM TO PUT UP SERIES 3 and 4 of Fresh Meat???? Like, honestly! 

eta: omg I just found out there's at least a season three I want to die & throw up why is my life so empty:')!!!!!!!!!!

-

Schitt's Creek

Rendez-vous (1985)

What was this? What the fuck was this? No...lemme not act brand new. This is ~Frênch Fìlm~. Literally...all french films are exactly the same. There's fucking uh....fucking. Terrible, awful characters, even (especially) the so-called "likable" and "charming" ones; there's...more fucking. Soup bowls used to drink coffee out of. Water in milk jugs. Weird old-timey looking homes and apartments. No one has storm screens in their windows; Juliette Binoche or Isabelle Huppert; everyone is white; everyone is crazy but because France it's just normal; characters are just fucking like...as personality traits; there's some weird guy with a nose; no one's hair is combed but everyone is hot anyway; pubic hair; fake-deep existentialism; casual maniacal depression made to seem like a fancy perfume commercial - this is all French Film is. There are some exceptions/wild card moments: an occasional Black; horrifically boring sci-fi mixed in with the only mildly boring fake-deep existentialism; someone acknowledges everyone hates Muslims, etc, but the formula is typically adhered to very closely.  

This is all to say I love French cinema. Can't get enough, and will watch anything they make. That is not to say I will like everything. I actually hate most of it, but I simply like to be along for the ride, even if the final destination is like, a Japanese internment camp, or an abandoned pet hospital in Chernobyl with radiating German Shepherds running around like mutated wolfbears. I just like...to experience the awfulness. Sometimes I legit like French films, but it'll happen on-accident, and usually end up being some fucked up bullshit that makes me question my entire existence. Like one time I ended up liking this movie with Gérard Depardieu and his nose and it was some shit like he and this dude were thieves? And at one point they both were breastfeeding off this woman they met/possibly raped on a train? And then they had a threesome with I think Jeanne Moreau and she killed herself?????????? And for some reason I was like YAS? Yeah it was an accident. There's no French Film that is OKAY and you can like it and feel fine with yourself. It's actually better for you to watch it for ~the experience~ and end the film "hating" (you just didn't "get it") it, because then you can still maybe feel like a good person at the end of it. Also, it's totally fine to like any film from French-Canada (it's not). They're the Degrassi of French Cinema they don't count, you'll be fine (you won't it's not okay). 

So anyway lol thankfully I ended Rendez-vous str8-up lowkey hating it. Lowkey, because I rarely have a passionate feeling either way when I end a French film. I usually just feel vaguely depressed and unmoored but not like clapping or going to jump off a building or anything. The emotion is always in-between the two whether I liked the film or naw. When I ended Rendez-vous I was mostly annoyed that 1. the subtitles for that quote they had up there disappeared too fast for me to read, so I had to rewind, and 2. when I did rewind, I like, still didn't get it? I realized I had actually read the whole quote, it's just I didn't get it? Something about wheat chafe and it grows a fruitful bounty??? I DON'T KNOW!!!  

What was this mess about? Sigh, Juliette B plays a shitty actress (shade??) who is looking for an apartment. She's supposed to be really young in this movie, like 18? She's care-free (in a kind of fake way, I think? or just French) and goes to...an apartment realtor or something? and is all like lol sew tired of sleeping on friends couches, I need an apartment! :) But like later we find out she's just been fucking her way through all of Paris and admits she hasn't spent one night alone since she's arrived?? (Girl, grôss??) 

The guy who helps her at the apartment-finder place, Paulot, is immediately in love. Cuz she's Juliette Binoche or whatever. Juliette (wtf was her character name idk who cares) invites Paulot to her play. She's a tea and chocolate maid. Like...she's terrible, right? I legit can't tell tho lol like maybe in France she is good, but she is like directly talking to the audience when she delivers her like one line so.....I don't think so? No, she's a shit actress because it's clear she's terrible when she reads later for something more ~serious~ and she's just always being lowkey dragged. So, no, she's bad.

After the play Juliette and Paulot hang out. Juliette has some bae she's living with, and he gets mad she's looking for an apartment. He reveals she's slutty (she's French, wtf did you expect??), and is yelling at her, I guess fed up with her behavior. (She's also like eighteen, so?). Juliette starts packing her bags and leaves off with Paulot.

Paulot takes her back to his place, which he shares with some guy named Quentin, who fulfills the role of Weird Guy With a Nose. Paulot says Juliette can stay on their couch until she finds a place, but Q-dog is right away hostile, makes Juliette uncomfy, and so she ends up fucking off. Paulot walks her over to a motel or something across the street. 

At first, because I could not be more predictable, I am into Quentin. He has a weird nose and looks depressed and like he lubricates his breakfast cereal with heroin juice. He's all ~dark~ and ~mysterious~. For like two seconds. I'm not 16 anymore so shit like this doesn't hold much weight anymore and as soon as he breaks into Juliette's motel room and tries to force himself on her I am like girl, I am OVER this. She beats him with her heel and he just like stalks off into the rain and I want to die and for this movie to be over TWENTY MINUTES AGO! :) Idek if at this point the movie has been on for twenty minutes, but I want it rewound to the point that it stops existing. 

For some reason, it carries on. Great.

Wtf happens? Oh, of course, Quentin threatens to kill himself if Juliette doesn't pay attention to him or some trite bs. I woulda let that nigga kill himself. Like, he's not that cute, he looks dusty, his hair is uneven, like who cares? Not me! But apparently Juliette does and I am.......so tired. 

Quentin takes her to a sex club because of course where he's playing I guess Romeo in some sex club version of Romeo and Juliet and at one point is fucking Juliet in a trapeze net or something? You know what was weird about this French Film? No explicit sex. Like, WHY DO YOU THINK I'M HERE? If you're not going to give me Good Story, whip them dicks out, STOP PLAYING GAMES! 

I should be euthanized, but so also should whoever made this movie. So Juliette and ol' boy get to smushin' gushies. Who cares. Then immediately after a maybe cute lil sex thing, Quentin is a dick and a douche, and then he kills himself. Thank GOD! lol Praise the LORDT! 

Does the movie improve? *screaming* NO! 

Quentin dies and some old guy shows up. Blah blah turns out he's the dad to the girl Quentin killed. He aint really kill the broad. Blah blah Quentin and this chick (the old dude's daughter) starred in I guess some well-renowned play of Romeo and Juliet back in the day and became instant young successes and then apparently they felt they had done all there was to do in life (??????) and decided to kill themselves (¿¿¿¿¿) but Quentin survived? Except his bitch ass I guess kept trying to make attempts over the years blah blah finally he succeeds after fucking Juliette Binoche (shade???). 

Dumb.

So Quentin's ghost is haunting Juliette, telling her she's a shit actress and a loser or whatever (where's the lie??). The old dude is putting on a new revival or whatever of Romeo and Juliet, and trolls the play by casting Juliette as Juliet. Quentin's ghost is like Bitch, you BET NOT play Juliet, but he is not even being unreasonable, she is...so terrible.

Another part of the story is Paulot has been wanting to smash Juliette but she isn't into it? She friendzones him instantly and he's all in his feelings and then at the end of the movie when Juliette is at her utmost desperate and loneliest she finally offers her body to Paulot, which he takes, but is like spitting on her and being mean?? Sooooo. And then they go to eat and it's awkward because just before they were having that weird, horrible sex. Then Juliette invites him to her play. He rips up the ticket and you can assume the Simp has graduated to Not So Simp? I guess spitting...the spitting thing helped??...

When the spitting thing was happening all I could wonder was if Juliette Binoche was cool with that (she's French, so prob) and then also that scene when Quentin was like thrashing her?? Was Juliette the Actress, like FINE with that? I am disturbed by what maybe she went through to film this, but even more so by the thought that she was prob cool with the whole deal. How very...French.

Look, this movie was boring. I don't care about horrible things if they're interesting, but they weren't here? That is the main crime: dullness. But again, I mainly care about the ride itself, boring or not. I wish I wasn't like this. But movies, sadly, are school for me. I learn something new every day. Like for instance, in this film, I learned Juliette doesn't shave her armpits (girl me neither, I need to move to French Place), and also that I cannot tell the difference between Real French People and people who are Not French, but can speak it. Was Quentin, like, British? For some reason I thought he looked American (and really out of place), but British makes even more sense. So much horrible sense. But anyway, when will I die? 

-

Rendez-vous

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, s3

I watched this fourteen three times months ago, so forgot literally everything, so lemme go ahead and jump right on into trying to recap! Why? No one reads this blog. Why does anyone do anything, really? Like, why did God create the Universe (lol just...play along, okay?)? You mean to tell me Goddrick was sitting up in some clouds, str8 chillin, and he was just like la dee da lemme gon' head and create some planets and then on one of them make The Holocaust happen and also Taylor Swift? And then also his bitch ass created Pluto just so people could roast shim's ass day in and day out?? Why would God do that...?? Just...cuz. So here we go!!!!    

 

Here are some brief, primarily unhelpful notes I wrote to ~remind~ me of what happened so I could write about the season at a later date: 

-ray liotta

-mood is maya rudolf as dionne warwick slipping those moisturized baby corn into her mouth

-"knows her as a husband"

-titus getting scurvy

-biracial bae from hamilton

-jillian and her bae

-church (guy with teeth) 

-lea michele

-javettes center, "I don't like this place" 

I feel like most of these notes were from just a few episodes and this is barely helpful. Oh I'm just now remembering Titus' voice and persona being stolen for that purple Mucinex blob but I think it was like a grape who was roasting a woman about having incontinence? Very Titus. Also also, I'm remembering........the Lemonade parody. FULL NO FOR ME, Tina Fey. Like, I don't even care about Lemonade like that. It was nice for what it was, I just get annoyed @ white ppl...like...being white. Only thing that saved it was Titus' existence (a...theme with this show). 

 

Lemme...address my notes I guess sigh. Oh, I love this show btw. Lol I am always complaining but I love this show even though it's lowkey highkey terrible. But I love how Tina (sigh) does the comedy where it's jokes piled up all on each other so I have to rewind constantly like "lol wait what". Especially where Titus is concerned lol, so.. Help.

 

Note #1: "Ray Liotta" - BAE!! Ummmm can he become a regular feature on the show?? Like Kimmy and Titus repeatedly going to his store to...destroy his bathroom lol. I think this was my favorite episode like I was dying. I love how dead serious Ray Liotta played his character, and I love jokes about Titus being gross. When Ray was reacting to what Titus did to his bathroom and making references to it I was fucking cracking up it was so funny lol. And then when Titus ran into Mikey in the store and he was talking about how he was gonna go spend a weekend with some dude and then Ray came outta nowhere and put Titus all the fucking way on blast for wrecking his restroom and Mikey's face - I rewatched that so many times lol, pure gold :') I was so happy :') I am so empty inside :')

Note #2: "mood is maya rudolf as dionne warwick slipping those moisturized baby corn into her mouth" - So I love Maya Rudolf. I don't know anything about Dionne Warwick except maybe she pretended to be psychic once and kind of looks like one of my aunts. I know Maya's marshmallow looking ass looks nothing like Dionne, but I know she gives me my life each and every time. Why...doesn't Maya have her own show? I know she did some like...comedy hour thingy, but bitch, I mean, like a full whole show so I can watch her every week (I mean binge all the episodes on Netflix or Hulu after it get cancelled). Remember when she played Noprah on that Up All Night catastrophe?? It was so weird how that show was about Receding Hairline and Christine Applebee having some ugly kid when it could've been all about Maya pretending to be Oprah???? Like, wtf?? Ooh you know what I need...basically the same thing but Maya is an Iyanla Vanzant type figure? I'd die. GIVE HER A SHOW, THANKS??? 

But Titus thinking he murdered Dionne? Very him. And him spraying that contaminated cruise ship water on them baby corns......... bitch, I hate this show. I really do lol

Note #3: "knows her as a husband" - I forgot her name, but this was one of Kimmy's ex-bunker mates talking about Ross and Monica. She said something like, you can tell he knows her as a husband. Too...accurate. But does anyone want an inappropriate French or Spanish film about her situation with those boys she kidnapped? Cuz I do........ Don't... Don't tell the police...just...just make the movie...

Note #4: titus getting scurvy - Please.  

Note #5: biracial bae from hamilton - I don't know this dude's name, and I am glad people have stopped talking about Hamilton and I hope that fucking never happens again. But anyway, who is she? Is he gonna remain Kimmy's love interest?? I'm mad they got rid of Dong cuz I was highkey shipping it, but this is a good replacement, even though he was mad condescending and hating on the Kimster, but she is white and annoying, so yeah, makes sense.

Note #6: jillian and her bae - I SHIP IT! I forgot this dude's name? Paul something? lol idk but I've seen him in things (congrats!!). He was the friend in Chilly Scenes of Winter and prob the friend in other things but never like the main dude because...no one wants that, but I love him for Jillian. Their first meeting at the town council thing was so cute please lol espech when Titus called Jillian and they were both on the line, it was adorbzzzz please. Also is Jilly an Aquarius? Because she is so an Aquarius if she is lol like she murdered her black husband; very #aqua. 

 

Note #7 wtf am I doing: church (guy with teeth) - The choir dude who Titus forced himself to date is so random. I recently rewatched all of 30 Rock (help) and saw he played Tracy's fake older son Donald. Oh, also, I had no idea Tituss had been on 30 Rock? I forget shit so easily literally no one cares tho like can you focus smh. But this dude has a weird, random look. I wonder where he came from is he a writer? He looks like he shouldn't be in proper things, like he belongs in a chitlin circuit play about DL niggas who aren't even remotely fooling anyone. That was extremely offensive but at least I didn't mention Tyler Perry. But look, is Titus a swirler?? Cuz...... And look, we gots to gather Kimmy's ass, too! Lol when Jillian told that boy she isn't into white dudes I wanted to scream, but she really is not. Also Kimmy sounds like an Asian girl's name and lowkey...she is kinda giving you Asian teas but all of this I'm saying is bad and not okay, so let's just move on :')

Note #8: lea michele - Lol was it just me who thought it was funny they 1. didn't get the real Lea Michele or even #2. some sort of impersonator? Lol they didn't even show "her" face. I want the backstory. Or is it simply the show didn't care enough to be having the real her or an impersonator? Tragic. But anyway, Lea Michele is so from New Jersey. I feel like I was on some third rate cheerleading squad with her at some point. And we were sponsored by like Dunkin Donuts, or some random sub shop. Very NJ.

Note #9: javettes center, "I don't like this place" - I'm so glad I'm almost done. Also I think it's called Javits? Tbh, I don't remember the name of the center. But rememebr when Kimmy's other ex bunker mate was working for some company that makes bunkers lol and I think it was in the Javits center and some deflated Hillary ballon fell and Kimmy said she didn't like that place?? Idk, it's ~random~ but it was the funniest thing and I rewound it a billion times. Ideky. But that's me @ this whole show, really. I be so confused why I'm finding the majority of what is happening funny. Anyway, what was happening with Rich Lady this season? No...freakin' idea??? Was this...was this the season Russ was in a coma? Or was that last season? Can you tell I binged the first two seasons before watching three?????? So like it all blended in and I barely care about ol' girl's character to begin with but there can never be enough Mimi, okay? Get with it!! 

What's happening next season? Do I care? Oh, Kimmy has some new job at tech start up thing? We'll......see about that. What Titus got goin on? Oh, I guess winning Mikey back. That could be...of interest. Anyway hurry up and give me the new season sigh stop playing games.

Oh! I just remembered Rich White Lady is about to be a talent agent or manager or something. That should be lit, right? That better mean more Mimi..

Aquarius (2016)

I became immediately obsessed with seeing this movie when I saw a screencap on Tumblr of Sonia Braga like emerging from the beach and the caption for the photo was just like: Aquarius (2016). I was just like, WHAT IS THIS WHERE IS IT. It had all the ingredients I need: beautiful older woman with crazy long hair, and my astro sign being referenced. I am so ugly like, Yes sign me tf up. Because I really have nothing going on upstairs. But in this instance I am glad I am so empty and shallow and that those major parts (only parts) of myself brought me to seeing this film, which I really enjoyed. 

I know Sonia Braga as that lady who was like always pregnant on The C*sby Show, and also from the one time Sam dated a lesbian on Sex and the City and she kept wanting to have deep lesbian conversations but Sam's sociopathic ass couldn't deal. Each time I saw Sonia I would gag over her hair and kinda indigenousy (a reach) looks. Like, who is she? Apparently some broad who's been acting forever. I lowkey thought she was one of those sometimey actors, like Lisa Bonet or something lol but maybe she does way more? Smh I have no idea but someone give her and a bunch of other older, sexy broads a TV show so I can get my life. But before that happens and I lose my shit, lemme talk about this here movie I came to talk about so maybe we can get #termites trending. It's time. 

 

Sonia plays a woman named Clara. I think the movie starts off in the past. She has short hair and I think recently entered remission for the cancer she had. The scenes with Yung Clara focus on an aunt of hers who her family is throwing some sort of party for? Maybe a birthday party, I completely forgot. The woman is really beautiful but she seems kind of uncomfortable, maybe, with her family hyping her so much? They go on and on praising her and saying she's a rare breed and super independent or something. I couldn't really read this scene. Especially the aunt's expressions. Was she uncomfortable or was that just her face? As the movie transitions to current-day and Clara is older and we see her live her life, there's obvious parallels to the life her aunt lived? And clearly they are similar and we see Clara is independent and strong and unique, but she also has these quiet little struggles and so I think I was picking up on the aunt feeling weird about the praise, just seeing everything Clara was dealing with? Idk, but I think. Like obviously that beginning part with the aunt was included for a reason and I am guesstimating foreshadowing for Clara. 

So current-day Clara. Her husband is dead, her kids all adults, out the house and living their lives. She's a retired music critic, I believe, which sounds like the douchiest title and I just love it for her lol. She lives in a flat (I'm from New Jersey), that I think she owns. It's full of records and shit and when a magazine comes to interview her about mp3s vs. vinyl or some bullshit she pulls out some John Lennon album and says some weird pretentious shit but coming from her I am just like yaaas preach you are saying a #word, lol. Everything Clara says and does is the right way to say and do them, and that's just how it is. 

The major conflict in the current-day scenes is that the people who own Clara's building want her to leave so they can turn the building into a hotel or some crazy bullshit, idk. A hostel for weird church people? No idea, but the point is they want her OUT. At first they are ~nice~. The owner and his son (hated him!) are coming to her place and trying to give her folders I guess detailing how much they will pay her to leave and what not. Clara is adamant that she is not going anywhere. They are like lol but please leave we have already asked you many times :) Clara is like lol and I have responded each time No I am not leaving :) And so they are like Please leave or else lol :) and Clara is like No :) 

It was literally like that?? And I was GAGGING. Like, LITERALLY, everyone else who lived in Clara's building has left. It is vacant except for her presence. I liked that they showed Clara looking kind of concerned that literally her whole building is empty, but also sticking to her guns. That would so be me but I would be crying myself to sleep every night lol like that is mad scary. 

Even scarier was when the building owner's son (whom I'll just call Javier even though I don't think that was even close to his name), starts to become hostile. He starts trying to guilt-trip Clara, no? It seems like the people who have already left the building haven't been paid yet for their leave? For some reason they are waiting on Clara? Is this a thing? AINT NO WAY I'm moving til I receive my fucking check, so I'm confused at why the other building tenants are turning up, sending their family and shit to harass Clara, like no one told y'all to act before getting that money. That's on y'all, but look: I have no idea how these things work lol. But if getting paid is contingent on EVERYONE falling in line and leaving the building, then they all shoulda came together to have that discussion before just jumping up and leaving. You're dumb, leave Clara alone.

It was scary when Javier and some of the builder dudes (???) came to the building late at night with a bunch of people and had an orgy I think in the apartment directly above Clara's. They were playing loud music and did I mention they were having an orgy. Also there was a dirty mattress. Clara gets annoyed at the loud ass music (oh, btw there was some pretty cool music in this film, I think like some Queen and other shits) and goes upstairs to see wtf and sees that wtf is Javier and co. doing orgy stuff. For some reason I would be SO SCARED to see that lol. Not because I am inherently afraid of orgies (they just seem musty), but just how like Javier and etc clearly wanted to bother her, are being extremely hostile, and also the orgy just looked gross. Like they just brought in some old, gross mattress and didn't put a plastic sheet or anything down lol. 

Ew and then like the next day after the party there's whole piles of shit on the stairs? Like what? Also later, Clara's housemaid sees one of the builder dudes burning mattresses out back the apartment building? What the fuck happened to those mattresses? (Or was it termite-related?) (SPOILER ALERT!!!)

 

Wait but can we talk about how Clara maybe got turned on by the orgy and ordered some yung dack to come through and fuck her? Or was it the anxiety that propelled her? Either way, I relate. But anyway, Javier is getting more and more bitchy. Eventually he and Clara have a confrontation that leads to him saying some pretty rude things to her, including some weird colorist/classist remarks that imply Clara is ~darkskinned~. LOL? Maybe in Brazil?? But not even?? Lol she is pale af and also I think the same color as Júan Pablo or whatever the fuck his name was? The comments def seemed to be a bit more classist. Oh, maybe Clara's family is ~dark skin~, and then I think she has a certain /ethnic/ look? But look it was completely a reach because she doesn't look any different from him?? Soo?? Also for some reason he thought he was special because he went to American Business School (lol, was it...DeVry??), but doesn't Clara say something like all those fancy degrees and you can't even get a little old lady to leave her apartment? Did she say that or did I just think it? I think she said it or something similar and it was like, DRAG HIM! But seriously after she went in on him I was afraid. He seemed like the type to murder if he don't get his way, and ULTIMATELY, that is what he was trying to do?? Or am I wrong?

OKAY, SO TERMITES! 

Sooo!!! SOOO!! There's a room upstairs that is locked and it's weird and creepy. These two builder dudes approach Clara on the street out of nowhere and attempt to warn her that Javier has ~done something~. I was scared because at first I thought these dudes were going to attack her, but they turned out to be weird pussies giving Clara vague, ominous warnings. She's like...um, no, tell me straight up wtf. So they take her to the locked room. And I'm SCARED AS FUCK!! Lol. Like...what's in this room. I am TERRIFIED. AND THEN THEY OPEN IT AND I AM LIKE WTF!! It looked like...idek. A bunch of wood and shit from the beach. Like, what's that shit called? Driftwood? Idk, but it looked like a bunch of rotting, like, pieces of a boardwalk, completely filling the room. And then there's all these black lines snacking all over the walls. I have NO IDEA WHAT THIS SHIT IS!!! BUT IT'S CREEPY AS HELL!! WHAT IS THIS?! WHAT'S THAT BLACK SHIT?! Lol I had no idea. Then they do the close up and it's just like millions of termites everywhere and I want to throw up and die. This is a straight up horror film. I am so creeped out and disgusted but also impressed. It was a nice moment, ngl, but it left me SHOOK! In like a bad way that was a good way? If that makes sense. 

So Javier and co. literally fucking transported a bunch of termite-infected wood to this building, to what? Have the termites eventually infect the whole of the building and it comes crumbling down without them having to directly bulldoze?? Genius and INSANE!!! Fucking insane! You can't win against straight crazy. Where did they even get this fucking wood????! Who does shit like this who thinks of shit like this. This what the fuck they teachin' @ DeVry??! Cuz if so sign me tf up, ngl.  

But wait, maybe Clara can defeat crazy??

BECAUSE, BITCH! SHE TAKES A CHUNK OF THAT TERMITE WOOD AND LUGS IT TO THE BUSINESS OFFICE OF THE DUDE THAT OWNS HER BUILDING AND SHE TAKES THAT SHIT OUT AND STARTS BREAKING PIECES OFF RIGHT IN HIS MOTHERFUCKING OFFICE AND I GAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGED! 

ICONIC!!!

I should calm down but this was one of the best, most satisfying endings to a movie I've ever seen??  HOWEVER, what happens to Clara after that? lol I feel like they would kill her? But maybe I should just be satisfied with the ending of a fictional movie and understand these characters don't continue to live after the screen goes black oh and also start looking for a therapist :')

Rectify (2013 - 2016)

I watched all four seasons of this inappropriately pretentious but mostly beautiful bullshit and I still don't know if Daniel killed that girl or nah.

Is it important? Um, yes. The fuck I look like rooting for a potential rapist and murderer??? Tell me if the nigga is okay to care about! I guess that's the point, or one of them? Lowkey I have no idea what the real ~point~ of Rectify is/was. Not that everything has a point, or needs one, but if you watch Rectify you can damn well infer they tryna get something across, so bitch, what is it?? Don't play games with me okay. Your show is not superior enough for that. You have a whole ass character named Amantha, so stop it.

Lol but like, literally? The show is called Rectify. So that's the point I guess. The process, I suppose, of rectifying? But how you finna rectify when the facts aren't even clear and apparent???????? Never mind the audience or Daniel's family and community members not knowing the true tea; Daniel himself don't even know. Like?? What are you rectifying when you don't even know what it is you supposed to be rectifying, if anything at all? Like, do you know what I mean? Lol, it's obscene! But look, it's easier for me to bitch about it not being clear who killed and raped that girl (actually, it was made mostly clear towards the end of the series, I think?), than to kind of just focus on the spiritual aspect of the show, and acknowledge that is what the show was really about. However, this brings me back to talking about how pretentious the show kind of is, because the spiritual stuff could get, like, weirdly intellectual or something? Like Daniel read a lot, so the way he spoke about different spiritual things sometimes (to me) came across like a math teacher talking about math. You know how math teachers just like assume you know all the math shit because they do? It's like, bitch, simplify! Make this make sense to me, I didn't get a fucking Master's in Geometry! Daniel would almost be lowkey autistic how he spoke of spiritual stuff in his weird book-learner sort of way, but spirituality is more feelings-based?? Not, like, some words you read in a dry book by some old white dude? Eye dee kay.

I would recommend this show to anyone no matter what they believe in, because it just allows for you to ruminate about different spiritual things, which is good always, imo. But like I said it can get pretentious (and it's not good enough to pull it off), and then you have the flip of the Tawney character who is religious (different from spiritual, though they are not mutually exclusive, obvi) and you have all this talking and hemming and hawwing about Jesus and shit and Daniel transcending himself so he can forget about being butt raped and etc etc and it feels simultaneously like Yes, this needs to be on a show but also Please shut up and get over yourselves??? 

It's complicated.

The dude who plays Daniel, Aden Young, um? Where are his Emmy's? I don't know this dude from Adam or Eve, but I am pretty sure irl he is NOTHING like Daniel? I might be mistaken, but I think he is some goofy Cali white boy irl (eta: omg he is CANADIAN), but in the show he is like this soulful Southern dude with a gravelly ass voice and just...it seems like a complete transformation, but absolutely NO ONE FUCKING CARES? Girl, anyway!! This sum bullshit, like I think this is a great performance? Am I wrong? No! Awards are all popularity contests, pretty much, which works when someone I like is popular or they're in something popular, but is annoying to me when I like someone/something that like only four people in the entire world give a shit about. Great! Does no one watch this? lol it was on for four seasons. Someone was watching it. Right? Sigh.

Acting-wise overall, though? This show is pretty good. Like I think I recommend it for good-acting? Maybe. Yes. Like J. Smith-Cameron and Clayne Crawford and Aden and others? Idk, I think it's pretty good acting. Like pretty sure this show made me tear up on numerous occasion, so I think that's a sign of good acting because I try really hard to never have feelings lol so if you causing me to have an Emotion, you're doing something correctly. 

 

Let's talk about my baes. So Daniel, obvi. Even though he was kinda...hmm. Like I deeply cared about him? But 1. the whole time i don't even know if he innocent or not. So it's like, awkward. And then more times than I liked, I'm wondering if I feel lowkey weird vibes from him because he a psycho and murdered his girlfriend and would do that shit again. OKAY, LIKE, WHEN HE STUFFED TEDDY'S ASS WITH THOSE COFFEE GROUNDS. lol, but like, who wasn't cracking up about that and didn't think Teddy's annoying, pressed ass deserved it??? Sigh.

WAIT LET'S TALK ABOUT MY SECRET LOWKEY NUMBER 1 BAE, TEDDY. Daniel's fuckin' uh...stepbrother. Teddy for me is equivalent to Hank from Breaking Bad. I used to HATE Hank's ol' bullying, annoying ass. But then I was like...FULLY ROOTING for him towards the ends of the series??? That's how it worked out with Teddy, though I came to love him pretty quickly. The actor that plays him...I think is mad charming or something? So like Teddy is this almost completely unlikable character (lol is he or do I just hate things too much/easily?), but the actor dude imbues him with likeableness? Btw, is that dude on a Lethal Weapon Remix right now???? I think it has Damon Wayans. It looks and sounds terrible but somehow I need it? Iono, but anyway I love me some Teddy. But I...hated being brought back to fucking reality concerning my love for him. Like when he was telling that story a little too casually for me about how he raped that girl when he was younger?? UHHHHMMMM! And then was like using it to teach his younger brother to respect woman and not rape them lol and ol' Troll Doll was like UHHHHH I would never do that? I was fucking screaming and Teddy is the worst and I need to not like him and think Tawney a bitch for leaving him lol.

Wait can we talk about Troll Doll? The youngest, most forgotten son? Literally no one cared about him and it was so funny. Was it supposed to be? This is primarily a straight-forward drama like there's not too much light or comedic moments to break up the heaviness, but they just had this straight-up hilariously ignored character. They ignored his ass so completely and violently it was almost slap-stick in nature? Very inappropriate for the tone of this show lol. Literally no one cared about him and I am not even joking and tell me why the one time he got a little bit of a story it involved him selling Furbys on what seemed to be some sort of 1997 version of Ebay??? Sigh, you can't make this shit up. Also why was his hair like that? He lowkey seemed sus, in like a...what is he mixed with sort of way. And now them ignoring him is a racism. There was literally like...one whole black person on this entire show set in the freakin' South. Girl, okay. Wait, do you think we can count Luke Kirby as a minority since he is Canadian and has that...hair?? We can and we will!! Diversity quota fulfilled, thank you! 

 

Let's talk about who should've been ignored, but wasn't ever. And it was getting on my goddang nerves!! 

Amantha.

I wish I would like...involve myself in message boards or some shit when I watch shows so I could see what the other people who watch (no one watched this shit) think of certain characters who pique my shitty interest (in either positive or negative ways). Amantha piqued mine in a negative way. I think I might have a thing...where I hate the actress Abigail Spencer. Remember when she was in commercials for a bit then she got a role on Mad Men and then they started putting her in other shit? And then she was in that HORRIFIC season two of True Detective and wasn't even close to the worst thing about it, but sigh, idk, this bitch get on my nerves. It's just some people you don't like lol. She's a fine enough actress, I guess, but I just...don't want to see her. She is SO ANNOYING. Watch I end up loving her because that always happens and I hate myself and want it all to just fucking end, but for now it's a full nah. And like, a character named Amantha? Really? God she was so annoying! And was it just me or was there like an incesty sort of vibe between her and Daniel (I love incest btw) (in a normal way)? But it's a testament to how annoying she is lol because it was like completely one-sided. Like Deb and Dexter on Dexter. Lol Deb was so annoying but I ended up rooting for her. Maybe if Rectify continued I would have eventch rooted for Amantha? I was getting into her and that dude who pulled up on her after her car broke down lol - they had a good chemistry. But Amantha was getting on my nerves being like some no-one-asked-for-this Southern Belle versh of Daria. Like girl, ENOUGH! Just..please. Please. And her working at the Dollar Barn or whatever and she had this attitude like...well, it's no one's dream to work at the freakin' Dollar Barn. Um, literally no one told you to do any of the things you did to end up working there, including applying to work there??? 

 

You see I'm so pressed about Amantha I prob lowkey loved her and I was DEF shipping her with Teddy lowkey. You know, if I wrote this show it would be so much better (worser). I'd have Teddy and Amantha getting into some weird shit FOR SURE; Daniel and his mom getting into some weird shit; the stepdad getting arrested on child porn charges (natch); fucking uhhhhhh brokedown Michelle Williams getting ass-blasted on the reg by revealed-2-be-actual-legit-crazy Mr. Holden; the forgotten son having a lyme disease storyline and no one still cares - this show would be far litter if I wrote it but also it would've been cancelled like five seconds into the pilot ep, so. Here we are.

Can we talk about the final season and how lowkey trash it was? I'm guessing this show was force-ended? Cuz this coulda been a six seasons (no movie) type of deal. There was def more story. OF COURSE, because they were just haphazardly piecing together the fucking mystery of who raped and killed Daniel's high school girlfriend. That's a whole season and a half right there and they was just stuffing that shit in in like three episodes. They def could have cleared that shit up in previous seasons, though, but they was playing games having Daniel ~confess~ and that mess with him having to leave the state forever and then the final season with him in a fucking halfway house with the dad from Smart Guy. Girl... 

I did like the first episode, I think, of the last seaz where we just see Daniel's new depressing ass life. This show won't quit, or give his unlucky ass a break as far as I can tell. I liked his longer hair. Very hot and like, emo? Lol, most good. I felt so bad for Daniel when he had that room8 who was masturbating. Lowkey I forgot Daniel got raped? But then he reminded me and I wanted to die? I will never quit my bae okay, I love him and want him to have happiness. Even if he did horrible things but let's ignore that cuz look if the show not gon' spell it out than it never happened, mmkay??!!

But yeah last seaz was trash with that pregnant ~artsy~ chick. Like... sigh. lol. Having Daniel away from his family was really annoying to me. Full-no. You're teasing me the whole series with his relationships concerning them. I am sitting here waiting and waiting for breakthroughs and deeper connections to be made and shit but you pull some bullshit with him essentially betraying them and all the work they did (especially Amantha) and have him ~confess~ to the crime he just got freed from prison over, and then send his ass away to have him start the whole Man from Mars process all over again with a whole new crew. You barely scratched the surface with the first crew. I mean. Annoying! 

Aight what else? Idk, I'm sad it's over even though I had my complaints. I always have complaints, I am a non-functioning depressive ass aquarius sun/gemini moon with a cancer ascendant, like I will never not be complaining, so. Do you think I am putting too much neg energy out into the universe and that's why Rectify was cancelled but The Big Bang Theory still persists and accidentally I started liking it? How did I even start watching it to get to the point of liking it (I watch TBS for Seinfeld and Friends reruns and shit just happens OKAY?) No!! I don't like it. But Sheldon is funny sometimes and Amy, sigh. If only Rectify had like...some Jews. Then it'd have a chance. 

But anyway, qq: Was that random black maid person at the end Spike Lee's sister? I hate this show and being alive 100% completely. 

-

Rectify

The Night Of (2016)

I watched this like three months ago and don't remember anything, so it makes sense that I am now about to write a post about it :') 

I remember...loving this. Like, I watched the first ep and right away was hooked and ready to enjoy the ride. The two leads: Riz and John, were immediately amazing and interesting to me. Riz with his deer with graves disease eyed innocence, and John Turturro's doofy-sexy human cigarette with eczema realness - like, I was immersed automatically and that's just a gr8 feeling.

So Riz plays a Pakistani-American (right?) named Nasir. He's a college kid, I believe. His geek ass gets invited to a party or something (or invited to crash with a fellow geek), so for some reason he steals his dad's taxi to go??? And of course his geek ass ends up accepting passengers..or, did he only accept the cute white girl? Yeah, like these other guys tried to get in his cab but he FOR SOME REASON asked cops for help to have the dudes removed. I knew Naz was a goner when he did that stupid shit. HOW YOU STEALING A CAR ASKING COPS FOR ASSISTANCE? Dumb! He's just a dummy and no wonder he ended up going to prison for some shit he prob most likely aint eem do. BUT I'M GETTNG AHEAD OF MYSELF!  

Smh, so ol' boy in his daddy's stolen taxi riding around like a dummy and White Girl gets in his cab. He doesn't tell her to leave like the others I guess cuz she has a vageen, so that's nice :') He asks her where she wants to go and she's all like idk the beach? What do you mean you don't know. Um, redflag, but he tryna get puss so he just go along with it. 

I forgot where they go? Somewhere to look at water and do ecstasy? Why does every white person in every show I watch do ecstasy? Is ecstasy just OKAY now? Like I wouldn't be surprised if Modern Family had a casual Haley does ecstasy storyline like it's getting ridonkulous at this point. (Is there even a character on Modern Family called Haley lol smh when will I stop being racist? Girl, NEVER!). So Naz and his new bae go back to her place and she all weird and shit telling him to stab her. Natch :') They do some drink and drugs, I guess? Then sexy times. Then viola! Naz wakes up and ol' girl been stabbed like 12 millions times and is DEAD AF (prob she is, Naz doesn't check to be sure and just dips). Well, he starts to dip, then turns around to take a knife from the scene of the crime, THEN he dips :') And you as the audience member just tallying up everything they finna drag his dumb ass for when he in court :') 

Everything after...Naz leaves White Girl's crib is so...frustrating, and...like, ridiculous. But also it seems...true? Like it would really ridiculously happen? But him getting fucking pulled over and then the cops putting him in the back of their squad car and OF COURSE they get a call on the radio about the literal crime scene he just escaped from and they GO OVER THERE with him in the backseat and then they fucking take his ass to the precinct and he sittin' in there nervous as fuck and attempts to try to escape several times and then someone asks about him and he gets patted down AND THE COP FINDS THE FUCKING KNIFE HIS STUPID ASS SHOULDA JUST LEFT AT THE SCENE OR AT LEAST CHUCKED IN THE RIVER OR SOME SHIT IDK FUCK!!!! All of it was nerve-wracking and amazing and all in the first ep and I was like yaaaaaas sign me up for the bullshit, tbh. Sign me tf up!! 

I loved John Tutty as the incompetent lawyer dude. Was he incompetent or good? Both? Idk, but he was hella gross lol with that eczema shit, but I just loved the character like it was just fun to watch him maneuver and try to figure things out and also get fired and dissed, sigh this show had me on a freakin' roller coaster ride.

Can we talk about how intense the prison scenes were? First of all, all of Pakistani Princess' prison mates were black, and smh. Lol but who couldn't have seen ol' dude with the hot baby oil or whatever he had going on coming from a mile away? Also what was the deal with the dude Michael K. Williams played whose name I'm forgetting? I feel like he was doing someone but I couldn't place it, or maybe I did at the time but forgot? Idk, but I wanted Dummy Deer to stay away from him. I think once the Pakistani Princess got that oil or hot toilet noodle water or whatever it was tossed at him, he was like, OKAY I need a squad. I swear I would fucking be killed in prison on the first day lol I can't deal with these shows that have some innocent idiot surrounded by career lunatics and degenerates (Oz is one of my fave shows so wtf am I talking about) (who says Oz is one of their favorite shows wtf...). It's too intense, but I really wanted Nasir to tough it out on his own, but nah he joined up with Scarface and had to start smuggling drugs in his bootyhole. It's either that or get the business. BUT WAIT, THAT OTHER BOY WAS SMUGGLING AND STILL GETTING RAPED SO WTF!! Smh, this show made me want to throw up at times (but in a good way) (take my blog from me please). 

You know what I loved? So much. Riz Ahmed's entire performance. The amazingness of his transformation? Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. It was so subtle, but significant. I think he's nommed for an Emmy? Idk who else in his category but he better get it, because he did that. To go from college dummy idiot (but also a drug dealer lowkey highkey???), to like, this hardened drug addicted ex-con? He slayed. Remember when he seduced that lawyer assistant chick or whatever she was? What dumb broad would ruin her whole career over some doe-eyed fucking junkie prison dude? (me.) But just that he had her smuggling drugs in for me was a testament to Riz's great performance, because could you imagine earlier-in-the-series Naz pulling that off? No, but ruined and corrupt (and suspiciously thicker-necked) later-in-the-series Naz? Absofuckinglutely. Like, I was tew through with his performance, I really loved it. John was good too lol. Oh, also the older lawyer chick from the plaintiff side who I think worked for the state? (Jeannie Berlin). She slayed, and dragged Naz so good like I was getting mad lol. Amazing.   

The ending was bittersweet because he got off and we even got a reveal of the real killer, but justice was not necessarily served. Though I guess we can hope it eventually will be. But ion eem care because now you got my bae addicted to meth or whatever and his life is in shambles and prob will be forever lol. Like, he survived prison, but is that really a great thing? It's like surviving Vietnam. Like, congrats, but you still killed all those babies, so good luck ever sleeping again :')

-

The Night Of 

American Crime (2015 - 2017)

This show was cancelled, right? Thank god. Lol no jk, but not kidding?? Like, this show was...mad annoying. And...exhausting. It's one of those things that's just like draining and relentless. Which is very strange, I think?, for a network cable TV show? Though I think a lot of these ABC dramas might be like this? Cable-realness, but not as good? lol. I don't watch too much ABC dramas. Really, none at all. Maybe the last ABC drama I perused was How to Get Away with Murder? Which, just by that title alone you know they're trying to give you cable drama realness, never mind casting Queen Viola. I watched a couple eps of that and it was HELLA CHEEZY. But Viola made up for it by literally snatching her wig off, so it was fine. 

That's kind of how it worked out with American Crime, which I felt, always, was doing THE ABSOLUTE FUCKING MOST, to the extent that I was like, girl, enough. But it's weird because I usually love shit that does the most. Like one of my fave dramas of all time is Breaking Bad and literally Walt and co. were the most extra band of whites (and my stiff-necked, fried turkey hued bae Gustavo). I never complained about BB extraness. Why was American Crime getting on my nerves? Maybe it was because I could tell they were trying to be...like...touching on relevant political topics? And then it was filmed in that weird way like every South American film from the early aughts was filmed, but since this was an American production (I think?), it came off contrived? YES! Contrived! Like...stop trying so hard you're making my butt hurt.

But yeah, anyway, acting saves this show. But the acting is not superb all around. Honestly???? LIKE, HONESTLY? The main really good actor here is Felicity Huffman, who slays every time, so no surprise. Also Richard Cabral. Like, I don't even know if he is a good actor but I love watching him so good enough for me. Tim Hutton...like, was he even in the third season--OH SHIT, NOW I REMEMBER. FUCK!! The third season made me FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE with him and Lili Taylor (so creepy and good in this season, btw)'s storyline. But Tim Hutton only made me care about him in the first season, with the storyline having to do with his son and daughter-in-law being murdered. 

But anyway thank god for Felicity Huffman. And others to a lesser extent lol. The first season....... Look, I binged this entire series on Netflix in one big gulp. Which...idek if I advise, tbh lol. At first I was like...ugh I hate this? Lol like I was mad annoyed. The way the show is set up and written...idk it was annoying me. Also I hated the two junkies. So prob the acting and writing was amazing because junkies are supposed to grate? But I couldn't fucking take it? Also isn't this show created by that koon who stole a writing crediting from my prob other Queen Coon Steve McQueen on 12 Years a Coon? Lol. I felt he was really tryna make the junkie swirlers a for-real adorable ass romance. EMBARRASSING. Like that dude kept embarrassing and betraying his sister when she was tryna help his dumb ass not go to prison for life. He sittin' up here talkin about I love Kayla (i don't remember her name lol) blah blah, NIGGA THEY FINNA ELECTROCUTE YOU!! Idk, maybe it was supposed to be annoying. If so, good job?? 

  

Season two...I ended up kinda liking? Which Ideky now that I look back because this season was annoying af the same as the first one. It was about: gay, possible date rape, basketballers, gay basketballers, date-raping basketballers, Trevor Jackson and me pretending I don't care about him, Andre 3000 lowkey bad-acting and me getting my life, me suspecting Andre 3000 was molesting his son and being disappointed nothing ever came up about that--BUT NO WASN'T IT WEIRD WHEN HE LIKE AUTO-SUSPECTED HIS SON RAPED THAT GAY EMO WHITE BOY AT THE PARTY, but can we talk about that annoying ass boy who oh so predictably pulled the weakest fucking Columbine I have ever seen. HE KILLED ONE KID! There were so many others to kill, come on! But like....................I very much wanted to sympathize with him cuz he got raped and all, but sigh, girl, I couldn't. He was just too annoying lol like...please stop looking like that. Omg and why did the show lowkey make his rapist look more sympathetic? Idk...like, his mom was the worst lol. Also he was cuter, so I guess that.

What was happening? Idek. What I hated about this whole show was: 1. being annoyed all the time, and also 2. they never like...concluded anything? Every season, obvi, had a crime/s, but I think none of them were properly resolved? Or we never got the full story? UM, ANNOYING? The fuck lol. I expect this BULLSHIT when I be watching them annoying ass Serial-esque documentaries detailing real-life crimes, but a fucking fictional TV show? BITCH YOU BETTER SOLVE THE SHIT AND TELL ME WHO DID IT AND WHY. Fuck outta here. AND I WAS SO ANNOYED THEY NEVER SHOWED LILI TAYLOR ABUSING THAT MAID! This why I don't fuck with network dramas. You too weak. It's not that I want to see violence and shit, like that is not even my thing, but it...like, took away the effect. This a show that's trying to ~shine a light~ on certain topics or whatever, and of course a real thing that happens is white people bring foreign non-whites over to take care of them and their household and abuse and treat them like slaves. But it was weird how the whole time I thought the maid was hurting herself? Lili's ass was burning and cutting this bitch, but they never even showed lead-up to it. It was just bizarre and ineffectual and I feel like the audience would ultimately end up not understanding the horrors these people irl face?? Like.. Either have your shit on HBO, or don't do it at all, tbh.

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American Crime

Dark Tide (2012)

Remember when I never used to care about Halle Berry and now i'm like, a stan? GOD! I don't want to be, because Halle is not cracking out the bad boys. Like, okay. I'm a stan of Tom Hardy as well, right? And it's great because he gives me what I need doing all sorts of ridick shit in movies and TV. But honestly I shouldn't even compare them because Tom is a white man and thus gets better opportunities but also he's Baby Brando so even if he got bad shit to do he would still slay whereas Halle needs good shit to give me what I need and she pretty much never gets that? Like ever? The Halle things I have been liking have been when she does a crazy movie. The thrillers. Really, that's her niche now, I think? But some are better than others. I mean, they're all basically terrible? But some are terrible in an omg this is amazing...(Perfect Stranger; The Call) sort of way, and then others are Dark Tide...

So first of all, I watched this movie prob more than a month ago. My lazy ass has a backlog of like thirty movies I need to write about. Why am I acting like any1 reads this blog or cares idek but here we go!!   

So Dark Tide. Why does this movie exist?? What. Why is Halle Berry treated like...Kate Bosworth? Or worse and even more irrelevant, Jamie King?? Wtf... SHE'S HALLE BERRY. No, she can't slay a screen like Viola, or charm me into liking total garbage like Taraji, but she's cute and beautiful and has been the #1 Biracial Bitch for decades and we need to put some respect on her name!!! What is going on!! WHAT THE FUCK IS DARK TIDE WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?!?! Lemme find out Halle got sent a bunch of scripts and this was the BEST ONE out of the lot! Tragic, truly. Idk what's going on. Maybe she gets ~better~ stuff, but something about Dark Tide spoke to her for some reason? Maybe she just saw a cool opportunity to go to South Africa and swim with some sharks? God, I hope so. I'll throw up if the truth is this was all she could get. That's obscene. Movies like this are for fucking Michelle Monaghan or something, and even for her it would be offensive, like cum on. 

So Halle plays some freaking, idk, shark expert? She owns a boat and gives tours to tourists so they can see the sharks. Like lowering them down in the water in a cage to look at them. Do people really do this? Why? Go on fuckin uh youtube or some shit and look at sharks there. Let's stop the madness. But anyway this is Halle's job for all of seven seconds before some horrible shit happens. I forgot what? I think she and her crew (which includes her irl crazy French ex-bae? Olivier Whatever) go out to sea and...there's a storm? I think one of the members of her crew (uncomfortably the only full African in a movie set in Africa.......) warns Halle not to go out? But she does ~cute~ (it plays awkward) stuff with him to like...charm him into letting them go out to sea and he says something like I can never say no to you blah blah five seconds later he dead. It's awkward cuz it's Halle's fault he died, and also Halle is close with his wife but the woman doesn't seem to hold resentment towards her lol like I would kill this bitch if my bae said no don't go out to water, and then she did it anyway and now he's dead. Wait - how did he die again? Lol smh was it a storm or did he get ate by sharks? I feel like he got ate? I swear to god I have no idea and don't remember and it doesn't matter it literally was not interesting AT ALL! I am telling you there was absolutely nothing interesting about any of the ~action~ in the majority of this...fucking action movie.... Or was it a thriller? Girl, I hope not because as much as there was no fucking action, there was ZERO thrill, girl! ZÏR-ROW!!!! 

So fast-forward a year later after the tragedy. Halle's business is going under I think because she is no longer taking the boat out to let tourists touch the sharks. I think she scaled back to just doing regular boat tours, which are not popular? The bank wants to take her boat because she can't make payments.

Olivier Whatever pops up and tries to get Halle back in the shark tour game. This dude apparently is her husband in the movie. It's weird how they were separated for an entire year?? He's just like gone immediately after the tragedy and shows back up all nonchalant like ayyyyy let's get it crackin!!! I will say though: Halle and her crazy French ex-bae look real cute together. I wouldn't necessarily say their chemistry is on some California wildfires type shit, but they look real cute and booed up. I love seeing attractive couples. I love that Halle usually never has ugly baes. You know how a lot of beautiful bitches be with an ugly nigga? Not our girl, Halle! Sigh, I stay reaching for substantial reasons for why I stan so hard for Introducing Dorothy Dandridge. I'm so tired, but hey is Halle doing that movie about that woman who is a professional thief and scammer because I need it. That's gonna put my bae at the top and I...I really need this you guys. I really need a good reason to be out here stanning for Halle Berry. It's getting rough. That cameo in the Kingsman movie is NOT GOING TO DO IT!! Okay? We're not doing that. Better! More better, Halle!! 

So Olivier is kind of...shady? He's linked up with some old rich dude who wants to get down in the water with the sharks, but go to the next level and swim with them, as well. Halle only brings people down in the cage, she doesn't let them swim with the fishies. But an even bigger obstacle is that she's totally done with the shark tours, period. Olivier has to convince her for the rich dude, who's offering a lot of money. Olivier never discloses to Halle that the rich guy wants to swim with the sharks. He leaves that out and manages to convince her to take the boat out for him and his son. 

The rich guy is annoying. If you're gonna have a piece of shit sort of douchey character can you make him be interesting or something? He was just a dick just to be a dick and it brought no real value to the film. Especially since he wasn't like, the villain? I thought he was gonna be the villain and cause all the conflict. Like, I guess he did? But not really? He was just like douchey, his douchieness didn't cause the major storm that caused their boat to upturn while they were out at sea, you know? Idk, the douchey guy really irked me and there was no real payoff. Also it was awkward because we find out he's dying from cancer or some shit. But he's like mean to his son and a douche so who cares? Lol. But also on the flip, he ends up getting killed in the storm (SPOILER ALERT!!!!) but like I didn't care? If you were gonna have him be a dick he should've been more of one to at least have it be a nice payoff when he gets killed wtf. Like, what was the point of this movie???? 

There was like, no real thrill like I said before and it was just awkward. Like even when they were out at sea and the storm was popping off, I was just like..okay. Like, okay guess this is happening now. It was awkward how none of the characters were interesting or you wanted to watch them lol. Like. I will say...there was something soothing about the movie in a weird way. I think it's because I'm really attracted to water, so it was just calming I guess to have mostly all the scenes be on the water, even when the storm happened.  

WAIT HOLD ON WHAT WAS THAT WEIRD SHIT WITH THOSE TWO WHITE GUYS WHO WENT OUT TO THE WATER REALLY EARLY IN THE MORNING AND THEY HAD THAT BLACK KID WITH THEM??? DID WE EVER FIND OUT ABOUT THEM? WERE THEY POACHING? WTF WHY DID WE SEE THEM ONE SECOND AND THEN NEVER AGAIN?? smh, this movie was completely pointless in like an almost shocking way? I guess watch this to see for yourself and have the same experience I did of wondering Who wrote this and who did they give it to and they read it and was like YES and then the film was fast-tracked and cast and all those pieces came together to make this shit?? Still better than Citizen Kane, though..

 

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Dark Tide