Moebius (2013)

So what the fuck?

The movie starts--The movie has no dialogue the whole time. Yet I watched it all the way through. Even though it's a silent film from 2013 but looks like a shitty TV show from the 90s.

Did I like this movie?

Definitely not!

I wanted to see this movie because I heard about it in the news a while back. First thing I heard was that the movie included #incest.

I know I'm not the only one constantly searching for a legitimately good incest film. Why are they all so bad?! So bad. Marguerite & Julien. Trash. That movie with the cousins and the guy punches the girl one. Sounds good but it's not. The actors are ugly and boring. That French piece of poop with the gay brothers. Or wait is it like Brazilian? Doesn't matter, it's caca.

The only good ones I've seen thus far have been either soft-incest, which is incest-adjacent, like Beau-pere (bae-pere; stepdadcest), or shit like Wuthering Heights which is more about being racist than it is about being a perv-o. There are a couple of French films that are okayish. And then The Dreamers, which doesn't count cuz it has Michael Pitt, or Womb, which is good, but it was like clone incest? or some shit? Get this sci-fi shit the fuck outta here!!

Watching Moebius for incest is ill-advised. That aspect is like, the least significant part of the film.

Another reason I had to see Moebius was even worse, in my opinion, than wanting to see some weirdo fuzzy family shit.

There was some headline in my inbox one day that went like "INCEST FILM DIRECTOR SLAPS ACTRESS!". But it was like an AOL News (?) headline. So I didn't read it lol why do sites have a gazillion ads like this shit is unusable.

So I didn't get the deets, but the headline was enough to reel me in. I found out the movie was named Moebius and I immediately decided that I would watch it, because if a director is smacking around actors, you know the movie slaps!!

-_-


I don't even know what to say. Why did I watch this whole thing? Maybe the universe felt like I needed to learn a lesson? I honest to God suspect this film is one of those barely under the cover religious this-is-a-warning Kirk Cameronish type of films. Except instead of rabid Christianity, Moebius stans Buddhism. I swear to God, I mean Buddha, this movie is a lowkey religious allegory.

Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. So the movie begins with the dad character on the phone with his mistress. The mom character gets mad and starts fighting with him, trying to get his phone away. The son character is in the room with them in his school uniform just, like, staring.

No one says anything.

I think the son character is cute and I assume he'll fuck the mom or something at some point, so I keep watching.

The dad fucks off to smash his side piece. The mom gets all mad. The son watches his dad fuck his side piece? The mom smashes a rock or something in the window of the side piece's store? Or something. The side piece is a shopgirl. She looks identical to the mom to me, but I suspect it's because I'm racist.

Fast forward to the mom chopping off her son's penis!!

First, she tries to castrate the dad while he's asleep. He fights her off, so the mom slips into the son's bed while he's asleep, and does him instead. Castrates him.

For some reason I refused to accept that she cut his whole dick off. She puts it in her mouth after the fact to eat it, and it's like she popped in a cheese ball or something, not a whole goddamn dick.

This movie is racist, not me!

Dad takes Son to hospital. I guess they blot the area or whatever with some gauze or some shit.

Then mom disappears from the movie at this point, and now the movie is all about how the son has zero penis.

Or does he?

How does he pee?..

I don't know anatomy because I went to U.S. public school, but how does bae pee? They show him peeing (with the father watching, of course) and it's like getting all over the seat? But I was like...what is he peeing out of? The movie doesn't make it clear...all the gritty specific details so I just have to guesstimate what the fuck it's looking like down there.

The son is going to school and uses a urinal. A school chum or whatever sees that the son is pissing all over his shoes. He peeks over and laughs. Shortly after, him and his friends decide to harass the son by following after him to pull down his pants and look at his no penis. These kids never say a single word while bullying the son character out of his pants. It is the most bizarre shit.

Somewhere in here, the son character begins a romance of sorts with the shopgirl/dad's side piece. Elsewhere, the dad is looking up articles on his computer concerning genital transplant.

The son character is bullied again by the school chums. They are thwarted by a gang of bigger men who save the son. They take the son character under their wing or some shit. Two seconds later, they all decide to run a train on the shopgirl without her consent. All the gang members give it a go, but the son doesn't want to. But if the son wants to be a Jet...

So he goes in to rape the shopgirl. She's crying or whatever until she realizes this fool don't got a weewee!

Later, the gang and the son are arrested and taken to the police station.

The father goes to tell one of the police dudes, presumably, that it's impossible for his son to have raped anyone, because, you see, no peepee.

The dad literally walks out to where everyone is standing to pull his son's pants down to show the policeman what exactly he means!

The son fights his dad, but the dad manages to get his pants down. Everyone sees his no penis, and the gang members start laughing. The son starts beating the shit out of the dad. This scene was funny to me because the police let the son beating the dad go on for so long. Aren't they cops? Why are they just standing there while the son kicks the shit out of his father?? No idea, but this film should have 80 Oscars.

The son is put into prison. While he's doing that, the dad starts researching ways for someone to orgasm who has no genitals. I think he literally starts his search by typing in "no penis". If Argo can win Best Picture, this movie should be able to marry a sheep and be president.

The dad discovers some articles talking about erogenous zones (good) and how if you severely maim yourself you can achieve orgasm even if you don't have a dingaling (um).

The dad experiments on himself by rubbing the shit out of his foot with a rock. He cums, but is in severe pain afterwards due to rubbing a dang hole in his foot with a damb rock!!

My thing was, there's gotta be a better way, right? Literally one scene in the movie has the boy having an orgasm directly after being stabbed in the back and having the knife wriggled back and forth.

There's gotta be a less horrifying way to activate orgasm without needing to stab yourself or maim yourself with sharp rocks.

Wouldn't deep massages achieve the same affect? Or am I not woke enough for this film? Are they making some sort of comment about the blah we go to achieve whatever I don't know but I'm probably gonna try that rock thing next Full Moon smh.

So the dad goes to the prison to tell the son about his findings. He hands the son a print-out from one of the websites. At first the son is resistant, than immediately drops the attitude because he's in prison with zero penis and has literally nothing else to do. He finds some shit in the wall to use as a makeshift rock and gets to masturbating. He cums. Yay?

I don't fucking know.

He gets out of priz and goes to see the shopgirl, and they do the knife thing. Later, they lure one of the gang guys back to the shopgirl's place, where she cuts off his dick, then they make him cum with the knife trick.

I honestly don't know.

The mom comes back. I have no idea why the dad lets her in. Oh my god! I'm totally forgetting that eventually the dad--Fuck! This dude gives the son his penis! They do a transplant. Later, they test to see if the son can get hard with the new dick. Or, with his...dad's dick what the fuck.

Literally to test this, a doctor shows the son porn and they, along with the dad, just sit there and watch to see if the son becomes aroused! !

I'm tired.

The son's dad's dick is, too, apparently, as it does not rise to the occasion.

The son visits the shopgirl to see if she can get him going, but no luck.

So the mom comes back. What the fuck. She just walks in. The son and dad are clearly cautious, as they sleep together. Of course, during the night, the mom slips into bed between them. She strokes the son's face and of course he gets hard.

The mom is like what the heck. Because last time she saw her pride and joy she was nibblin' on his kibbles and bits.

The mom realizes the dad gave sonny boy his penus.

Now the mom is all hot for the son. Eventually she jerks him off and he cums. Later, she wants to FULL SMASH. The dad is fighting her, trying to get her to stop.

The movie commits a number 1 sin and does the whole ~it was all a dream~ shtick. This happens after it appears the son is fucking the mom and while doing so, the dad comes in and shoots her dead. When the son wakes up from his dream he goes out to see both his parents are dead from gunshot wounds to the head. For some reason the son decides to shoot his penis. Then the movie ends with him praising to a Buddha (??) statue. He gets up from that, looks into the camera, and smirks or some shit.

Fin.

What.

Also, was the whole movie a dream or just the bit where he fucked the mom? Either way, I hope everyone involved with this movie is doing well. They have blessed me so.

Succession (2018- )

I was never gonna watch this show. It looked basic af. Some douchey rich suit people cursing cool cuz HBO. Yeah, I'll pass, broseph.

Then I read a profile about Kieran Culkin in Vanity Fair (?) that was like 50% about his big sis Macaulay and the other half about how he's a middle school bodied freak who really loves wrestling and video games.

Which is to say, it was adorable.

Plus, I already had a crush on Keira before that. Why? I don't know, I have a lot of problems. I don't do anything about them because I don't feel like it, or care.

So here we are.

I watched Succession for Kieran Culkin and I stayed for uh...shit, Matthew Macfadyen?..

Man, what the fuck.

So this show isn't even good, right? I've def seen embarrassing, possibly retarded people talking about how good the writing (LMAO!) is and how amazing (wut) the scenes (um) and characters are (okay). But mostly I see people saying that they love Succession, and kind of wondering what the fuck. They aren't saying it's good, they just like it. But do not know why at all.

So here we are.

I hate absolutely every character. But good thing liking characters is simply a nice to have type of deal for me. Plus this is obvi the type of show where liking the characters would be inappropriate. Like watching A Clockwork Orange and thinking Alex is an absolute doll. Which I do. I'm glad Succession is too awful to make me accidentally like its shitty characters. But I also like that Succession isn't bad enough to be like, expecting me to like its garbage characters. Right? They're not doing an Entourage, right? Except...

No.

Succession doesn't expect me to like the characters, right?

No...

So let's talk about these so-called characters! ( ug h)

-Kendull. HATE. I hate Kendall so much. But what bothers me is that actually I don't really. I can't determine if I'm liking the actor, or feel sorry for his character? There's NO WAY it's either of those things, so I have no idea what's going on. I cringe at how desperate and pathetic he is. And what is with a grown man needing daddy's approval? I feel like I should understand him but everything he does and represents just makes me want to throw up. And now we're getting Bad Bitch Kendall, right? I'm rolling my eyes if they're going with the storyline that he's going to be the new whatever the dad's name is.

Did anyone else gag at the dad (what the fuck is his name???), like, smiling at the power move Kendall pulled on the season finale?? I hate this show. When the fuck is season three coming out hurry up!!

-Shiv Fucking Roy. Shiv is mad obnoxious but who doesn't love watching Sarah with her hooded eyes? What I'm wondering is why Shiv is all of a sudden interested in running/working at Whatever Company? Since when? She just chucks her political career? This show is crap. And what is the tea with her and Tom? She does not love this dude, it's so random. I read somewhere someone say (did Sarah say this? idk) that Shiv is with Tom because she trusts him? But in like a pathetic way. Like she's sure Tom won't/can't hurt her? Ie: doesn't have her heart so can't do shit with it. Would be interested to see who exactly could capture Shiv's heart and break it besides her dad. This show isn't deep lemme not ask for that before they give her a black boyfriend or something and embarrass themselves trying to be anti-woke edgelords.

Wait! I'm forgetting Kendall LITERALLY RAPPED FOR DADDY!!! WHAT THE FUCK. THAT WAS THE ABSOLUTE WORST SHIT I HAVE EVER SEEN OMG THAT REALLY HAPPENED

-Romey Rome. My baby. Pretty shitty guy, though. Am I a dummy, or does Ro have a different mom? Or is the British lady mum to all the kids? Why did I think he had a different mommy? And what was that shit about a cage... I want to feel bad for Roman, but he's too shitty. I'm super interested in this storyline with him and the old lady, though. I need a full-fledged fucked up romance and I need his heart broken. Put the Golden Globe nominee to work!

-The old one. Why does his prostitute girlfriend have a storyline?...

-Tom. Matt Macfadyen is so funny to me in this role and also I sometimes feel bad for his character. I liked how he helped that kid character once. The bar is low. I genuinely feel bad for him that Shiv doesn't love him like that. But he's subhuman diarrhea trash so who really cares.

-Jess. Give Jess lines! #justiceforjess

-The tall kid. Go away. Give his lines to Jess.

-The dad. What is his name. The dude Brian Cox plays. In the Vanity Fair profile I read, Brian Cox was trying to pitch...like Hamlet or something. With Kieran playing Hamlet and he cast himself as Hamlet's dad or some shit. It probably wasn't Hamlet it was prob some other shit. I don't know plays because I'm not a complete piece of shit. Anyway, Brian is clearly a Kieran stan, and that's all I care about. Also Brian thinks Kieran is like John Barrymore or some shit and that's just...it's really sweet lol

Where does The Succ fall on the HBO scale? Somewhere between Chernobyl (amazing but why is everyone British) and Mrs. Fletcher (a trying to be woke and relevant embarrassment written by some old white dude). Perfectly average with mild to moderate levels of radiation poisoning.

C-plus

Marriage Story (2019)

For years, because I'm messy, I've wanted tea on the dissolution of Noah Baumbach's marriage to Jennifer Jason Leigh. I remember him speaking about her when they first got together and thought he sounded slightly insane. He said something about how when he was a kid he saw her in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and had this feeling like he wanted to save her with his penis or something. Totally paraphrasing. Like decades later, he gets his wish. Except that's weird af because Noah was fantasizing about a character in a movie, no? Not actually Jennifer the human person? Anyway, men are deranged.

Eventually, they divorce. This meant nothing to me initially for various reasons. People divorce all the time. In general, I don't care about either Noah nor Jennifer's personal life. The only time they ever piqued my interest was that one time I read the weird quote from Noah speaking about her and then I never cared again. Later, Jennifer asks for child support or something and I a little bit am piqued but I don't follow up to sip any tea because again, who really cares about this dude and an actor I barely rate. I mean, I like Jennifer in things when I see her, but she is not on my radar like that.

Then! I find out Noah is with Greta Gerwig and I feel immediately scandalized. I actually had no idea until a few weeks ago that Greta had been like Jennifer's personal assistant or some shit! Scandal!!!

And Noah and Greta have like this uber-intimate personal working relationship!!!

But no one talks about it!!!!!!! (From a scandal POV!!!)

It never stood out to me that no one was really gossiping about them because these are very indie under the radar whatever people. They could be more indie/underground. People know them, it's not like they aren't people with backing and industry support and fans and critics who hype them, etc. But they're def not Brad and Angie.

So I didn't really pay it any mind. But now I feel like it's so odd that I'm not getting tea on the relationship between these three people. Maybe their PR requests interviewers aren't to ask about it? I hardly read magazines or newspapers so maybe I just missed it. Plus, I don't follow any of these three creatives like that. Even creatives I do follow and care about I hardly know personal things about them. So maybe there's no conspiracy.

Except there totally is because now we have Marriage Story and I'm reading all these so-called ~reviews~ and not one has tried to speculate and be messy. Not one review is like WHICH CHARACTER IS GRETA SUPPOSED TO BE?!!

Like, come on! And she has a new movie coming out!!!

I'm not the only messy person. I know I'm not. I've read multiple articles about the press playing games on Rudy Giuliani's phone, but zero about which character in this auto-fiction film is supposed to represent Greta Gerwig.

Chile, please!!

So anyway, this damn movie. It was meh to okay. I concluded the whole thing feeling like "This is no Blue Valentine..."

Blue Valentine was all I could think about. Such a good, devastating movie about a relationship falling apart. There are other good ones, and there are even other movies that share the same aesthetic/type of characters featured in Marriage Story, but Blue Valentine was the one I was reminded of the most simply because that movie did its job so well with the subject matter, and this movie...did not.

During the fight scene, what does Jennifer Jason Leigh say to Noah? She's like people said Noah was too selfish to make real art or something like that? I remember when she said that I was like Yes, that is so true! lmao, like...during the movie. While watching this movie I am supposed to be feeling all deep and gutted about, I am agreeing with a character's laceration of the creative behind the work essentially calling him shallow and emotionally devoid.

It's meta? I think. I don't know what meta means, but I know it's not supposed to be done like this smh.

Anyway, Blue Valentine is a far superior film about the breakup of a relationship. Why? Because of the chemistry between Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams. There are other great things about that movie that just make it come together so well including the director and the soundtrack, etc. But it's the chemistry of the leads that really sells it. I need to believe in the relationship in order for me to care that it's dissolving.

I did not believe Noah stand-in and Jennifer stand-in were a real couple. There was zero chemistry.

I did not feel any emotional feelings concerning the events in the film. I was not immersed during the big fight scene. The only thing that got me was the end when Adam was reading the note and choking up, but I think that's just because Adam is a good actor and I love him. That note could've been about anything. He could've been reading off the back of a fucking cereal box.

Notes:
-I liked the scene when the court-appointed child watcher played by my bae Martha from Baskets comes to...watch Noah interact with his kid. When he cut his arm with the knife I loved that and thought Adam did a really good job.
-Celebrated Asian actress Scarjo didn't annoy me with her lack of talent as much as she usually does. That haircut's gotta go, though. It's near Katy Perry levels of bad and confusing. Also her crying is shit. Wait, I actually think she annoyed me as much as usual lmao nvm scrap what I said :)
-Needed WAY MORE Ray Liotta. What if this movie focused on the lawyers instead of Noah and Jennifer. They were way more interesting smh.
-No to the musical numbers
-Greta was clearly the stage manager woman. Or was she a costume designer? Dunno but Noah is not slick!


Film rated T for This is no Blue Valentine