Love (2015)

Yikes, um. If you're going to make an unlikeable ass film like this, at least have the protagonist be played by someone who doesn't make the back of my eyeballs itch. Like, Murphy is awful, yeah? That's unanimously agreed upon by everyone who has seen or will see this movie. But I don't understand the point of casting Murphy with an actor seemingly even more unlikeable than the written character. I know literally zero factazoids about Karl Glusman, and I am not sure I have even seen him in any other movies. For all I know, he's the best! However, like, acting-wise? I wanted to kick him in the throat??? And like, you need to understand I am almost disturbingly lazy. To be dreaming of lifting my leg up even a millimeter off the ground to kick someone in the neck? You know it's serious, okay? I was hating this dude really bad. 

I love...terrible characters. Murphy is a huge loser and on top of that, dumb, and not even cute. He looks weird and is stupid. This is like every character in a French film, so I am expecting this watching one. And I guess I should be also expecting an unlikable actor to be playing a character like this, because that's de rigueur for French films. Does it make a difference that I think this Karl dude is American? Maybe that's what was off? Like a lot of times in French films when dude characters are terrible (which is ALL THE TIME), they at least have that nonchalant French Cool thing to make up for it a bit. But Karl is like awkward and embarrassing? Like a lot?? He just wasn't pulling off being a piece of shit. It was hard to watch, and not in a good way like how most French films? I was distraught.

Is this even a French film? Pretty sure, not one hundred, but pretty is base one hundred for someone too lazy to like...look it up. Anyway, I got what I deserved. 

So this movie is supposed to be some horrible love story, I guess? Concerning this horrible dude named Murphy, and some beautiful bitch named Electra who, even tho a junkie and like also stupid???, deserved WAY better than Murphy? Like Electra was mad pretty and she had a cool accent and those beautiful spaced out comb teeth looking like fucking Betty Blue or some shit - like, I was so annoyed she was attracted to Murphy lol. Outta all the sexy ass French dudes you choose some gawky American asshole? Bitch are you for real? Maybe it was the drugs idk...

The movie starts out with Murphy and his current broad/baby mama Omi jacking each other off. I thought they were going to be the main couple of the movie, then quickly found out that wasn't the case thank god because I wasn't feeling their vibe. Murphy has a baby with Omi and I guess they're booed up. The movie tells the story backwards and eventch we find out that Murphy hooked up with Omi off a threesome he had with her and his former girl, Electra. Could've explained that better, but honestly what we really need to be talking about is how Omi was like sixteen???????????????????????????????????????? Since when are we doing threesomes with sixteen year olds??? Like you think because she has bangs it's okay? Ummmmmmmm nooooooooooooo?????? And like I wanna feel bad for Electra, I guess, for Murphy cheating on her with Omi and getting her pregnant, but flashbacks or whatever reveal Murph was always stepping out, which she knew about, and also she consented to the threesome with the sixteen year old and didn't find anything weird or wrong with it????? So like I don't care??? 

I don't know, this movie made me tired and I didn't, like, care about the shitty ~romance~. The director put some words in Murphy's mouth which I assumed were his own feelings, that said to me he thought he was doing some real new shit with this film. What with what I believe was non-simulated sex scenes, and how ~intimate~ they were. Murphy is supposed to be some ugly film student and he says to a girl in the film how he wants to create movies about sex and love and sex and love together or some such bs, and then also says to Electra how he wants his movies to be made of blood, cum and shit or something?? Because that's what ~~life~~ is or some idiotic pretentious shit. Like how many goddamn French films are just loaded with sex scenes and then book-ended with random scenes where characters have bare, non revealing in any way conversations about existential malaise and how they're so different and want to do things such and such a way because they are so ~out there~ and misunderstood and then someone whips their dick out and there's twenty minutes of that and then they go back to talking about how they want to die, but not like ~everyone else~, and then someone smokes a cigarette and then someone else takes their titty out and then a secondary character kills themselves and the main ones make it about how their romance is the most ultimate romance, and then always there's a threesome, and always there's some skinny bitch popping her pubic bone up on something and there's a bitch in a sundress with no bra on, and then someone drinks coffee out of what looks like a soup bowl, and then someone else drinks water out of what looks like an old timey milk bottle, but there's not milk in it, there's water. And sometimes it's okay because like Juliette Binoche is in it, or Xavier Dolan made it funny, but Love didn't have either of those things going on, so, it was a whomp for me. 

But nice try? #positivevibes2k17 #itwasweirdhoweveryoneelsediedin2k16butnotmelol:(

Fences (2016)

This film was extremely overwrought. But it's a play, I believe, right? Honestly I have no idea and am too lazy to find out, but the way the movie was filmed and how everything played out on like one stage, made it seem like it was written as a play. I love movies that are made from plays because I never get to see real life plays due to being poor and lazy and not feeling like it. Movies are cheaper and more accessible to me, so I like when they give me a little taste of Broadway every now and then. Or, well, off-Broadway, or adjacent-Broadway, because I'm not with that Les Miz, Hamilton bs. But stuff like Fences is definitely up my alley. 

Emphasis on stuff like Fences, because lowkey this movie was a mess?? lol, no, but yes. You know what was TRULY a mess? Denzel. Uncle Denzel. #actingbae. I remember I used to have this internet friend I'd talk about movies with and we were getting on the must discuss topic of Mr. Washington and she said how she didn't like him, how she thought he was over the top. I remembered thinking she prob didn't like him because she was racist (and from Pennsylvania), but I lowkey agreed he be doing The Most. I think I likened him to a black Nic Cage. But, okay, WAS I WRONG? 

I'm sorry for throwing acting bae under the bus a little to appease my boring internet friend who was like super into Simon Pegg movies (smh), but like it was completely on-point. I realllly love Denzel and watch any of the mess he be in, but he is just...so extra. And this was the Most Extra I have ever seen him and I both hated it and thought it was amazing and brilliant. 

I can't tell if I thought Denzel was...like bad, or really good, because his character was doing the motherfucking absolute most from the very start of the film and I was so exhausted and OVER IT right away immediately. Denzie plays some over the top ass never shut the fuck up head ass negro named Troy. He mad boisterous and all bravado, but also a traditionalist, I guess you could call it, and one of them niggas who think they really doing something by fulfilling their obligations. Just barely, but give these niggas a medal. Then of course there's some horrible backstory to it all they're mad nonchalant about like they haven't been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder their entire fucking lives that no amount of therapy in this late stage could even begin to chip away at, and it was just all hitting a little too close to home. I think a big part of me was hating Troy, and Denzel's performance, because it was so accurate and I know dudes exactly like Troy and I was just dying inside. Denzel was still playing to the cheap seats though lol can I get a subtle second, like, just one, baby. Lol no maybe I got one or two but I honestly can't even remember. Maybe Denzel's final shot with him swinging the baseball bat. Or maybe him with the baby on the stairs...maybe that. But barely that, OKAY?! 

Viola plays Troy's wife Rose, and of course she was amazing. Viola is definitely better at acting than Denzel, let's just get that out of the way right now. She can do over the top and make it look like nothing is even happening, if that makes sense, which I'm sure it does not :') But like she had moments in the film--not as many as Denzel, but moments still--where I could tell the direction was like "Just be Extra", and she was, but she made it look poetic, like art. Viola's just amazing and I'm glad she was chosen for the part, because probably anyone else would've shown this schlocky ham-fisted mess for what it is. Viola in it and I'm sitting here thinking this some prestige ass shit. So good casting choice there. I've barely seen any of the other award movies of the year, but give Viola Davis all of the awards. Best actor, actress, supporting, cinematography, direction, fucking...sound mixing, whatever bitch, give it to her. Don't fuck around, it's not a game anymore!!! 

I'm pissed Rose outchea marrying ex-cons--EX CONS FOR MURDER, BTW--, thinking she getting the opposite of an aint-shit nigga. Lol, girlfriend. Troy cheating on you and having an outside baby was prob the least his crazy ass could do. But she wanna act all shocked, talking bout eighteen years. Yeah, eighteen years of bs, smh. Her refusal to pop awf on Troy was truly bothering me. But I guess Rose is a ~good woman~. Idk what sort of good woman choses a murderer to be the father of her child, but anyway lemme stop going in on bae lol. We alllll make mistakes. And shoot if I met Yung Denzel and he was swanging baseballs and shit I'd snap his murdery ass up too, so lemme stop judging her. 

Can we talk about...why Mykelti Williamson is always playing someone, to be politically correct, retarded????? I'm tired of this fool. How is playing slow in the head your niche in the industry, like you honestly have to be joking. Lol I mean he was good, but cum on. You know what's the worst thing I've ever seen Mykelti do? He played a magical negro homeless man on Nashville. Please...please give him an Oscar. Just for that. Or at least...at least a sense of purpose. How are you a more embarrassing actor than that nigga who played Professor Oglevee?? Well maybe not more embarrassing because 1. I have no idea what that dude's name is, and 2. I saw him in a KFC commercial once and I'm not sure he had any lines. Anyway, Popeye's would be a good look for you, Mykeltz. 

Delete my blog, and this movie. Like it was good, but bad also. After the movie ended, people in my theater audience clapped. And I can definitely tell you that Mykelti was a crowd favorite lol. There was also a lot of, what I personally felt, unnecessary laughter. There were definitely some chuckle moments, mostly from Mykelti imo, but there was a lot of laughing at Denzel's character. I honestly was horrified by Troy, so I don't see what was funny. I was so glad when it turned out his character was having an affair and everything started to crumble down around him. That sounds weird to say but I thought this movie was gonna go a more OUR BLACK KANGS ARE SUFFERING AND WE NEED TO SUPPORT & UPLIFT THEM route. But this was written by a white person, though, I think? August Wilson. That name could go either way, idk. But I'm just glad Troy was humbled, and even gladder when he died lol, just keeping it real. He deserved to die. Anyway, can't wait to see hopefully Viola snatch up some awards this season, and also hopefully Denzel so he can give an uncomfortable, condescending, veneers-shouty acceptance speech. This is my dream, my nightmare.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

Yikes. Why the fuck... Am I honestly sitting up here and watching these Star Wars movies?? I don't know who's reading, likely no one hopefully, but if someone is reading this, please understand about me that Stars Wars is like, literally the least shit I could care about, besides, like, baseball. Baseball is like the most dull, useless shit I have ever seent. At least Star Wars has lasers and shit. S p a c e. Space can be cool. If they played baseball in space, then maybe I'd give that dry shit a glance. But prob not because why am I watching niggas hit a ball in space? Find the aliens!!! Now. If you can get aliens cracking bats in space? Then. Then you have me.  

So I give so little of a fucking shit about Star Wars. I've completely ignored the other movies with Harrison Ford and them from the seventies, and then the early-aughts movies with fucking Hayden Christensen for some reason. I only started getting into Star Wars more recently because they put a black dude as the lead (Baeyega), and I was like hmmm. Which I regret, because I was literally soooooo bored by that film. And I had literally no plans to see Rogue and I am not quite sure why I did. I think I saw some cute interview clips of Riz Ahmed and was like Bet. Which, why??? Why am I like this? This movie was literally SO BORING! Wtf.

I don't care all about what was going on, and was falling asleep half the time anyway, so I'm not going to even attempt to discuss the plot, that of which I'm sure barely existed. But excuse me, this movie was full of actors I love. Go Diego Luna, fucking Ben Mendelsohn's lispin ass, fucking...Mads' burn victim looking ass, Alan Tudyk (idk), annnnd Riz. lol not even that many. Def not enough to justify watching this in theaters instead of tearing my eyeballs out and feeding them to an owl. But whatever, I liked seeing them. It annoys me, tho, that movies like this tend to snatch up all these little good, interesting actors and do literally jack shit with them, but okay. 

The only people I felt had something to play with were Donnie Yen and his blind man sage dude, and Alan Tudyk completely stealing the show as that CLEARLY GAY robot dude, or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, but like not asexual, gay. These performances stood out and made me stop falling asleep for a few secs. Riz was giving me a little something with his fidgety kind of nervvy pilot, and Forest was giving me Battlefield Earth teas I guess, doing his mess, but overall this movie was shit and so, sigh, I guess I'll be seeing the next one. When is it? It better be soon and BETTER have my myspace emo queen Kylo in it or I'm popping. the. fuck. awf! (Do I secretly like these movies wtf is going on honestly). 

Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)

Excuse me. Is this the movie Kristen Stewart won a French Oscar for? So they just don't give a fuck, I guess. I mean, it's not like they do over here, either, but they aint never nominate this bitch for no award. Maybe a razzie. Are the Césars actually French Razzies and something got lost in translation?? I don't even know if this is the movie she won for, so lemme stop talking shit. However, Kristen Stewart winning any award for acting, no matter where and for what movie, is a crime. Arrest France, they deserve it for being known around the world for acting pretentious about being musty. I love being musty just as much as the next bîtch, but to be pretentious about it? Halt.

 

Anyway, Kristen Stewart makes me uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Once, I read someone compare her to James Dean. Stop. James could work with his weirdness and used his body to command the screen, Kristen does not believe in herself and is dead behind the eyes. The only role I've seen her in where she pulled off her...eccentricities, was as Joan Jett in The Runaways. If only she could just play that role forever, then we'd be straight. But alas!! 

It was a relief when she disappeared from the movie and I could breathe with my bae Juliette Binoche. Someone who can actually act and doesn't make my eyeballs cringe and itch when she is performing. Shit even Chloë showed Kristen up, even Johnny Mars' awkward-looking ass, like honestly I was tired.

Wait, lemme try to discuss what this movie was about and stop going in on Hollywood's favorite lesbian, Jodie Foster's son. I just...I was just so annoyed. Okay so this mess is about some bitch named Maria Enders which I just realized. I'm like, why this movie called Clouds of Sils Maria? Still don't know, but have discovered Juliette's character was named Maria. smh

 

So whatever, Maria Enders is some famous actress. I suppose foreign. So she does classy prestige pics and then I guess shitty Hollywood blockbusters playing the villain. Also middle of the road, sort of actiony drama films with Harrison Ford?? The movie opens with her on a train going to give some speech to honor the dude who gave her her first big break and also I think it was her first part. She played some bitch named Sigrid in some movie or play or some shit called Maloja Snake. I couldn't figure out if it was a play or a movie. I guess a play? But it seemed like a movie? Or did she play on stage and then in the film? Probably that.   

So anyway while on the train, Maria gets news the director and writer she's going to honor, Wilhelm Whatever, has died. Fast-forward to some youngish Nazi director dude approaching Maria to play Sigrid twenty years later (side-eye). Maria says she's not interested at first for whatever bullshit reason, then the dude explains she'd be playing the character Helena, the older woman Sigrid seduces, which is implied is basically Sigrid twenty years later. Maria says she doesn't want to do it because the actress who originally played Helena died in a car accident or something and she conflates that woman's death with Helena's suicide or whatever shit, it's obvious she just has an issue playing an older version of the youthful character that made her famous.

Maria accepts the role obviously, but the whole movie she takes issue with the Helena character. Talking about how weak and pathetic she is. Kstew, playing Maria's assistant Valentine (side...eye), is always off to the side offering counterpoints to Maria's opinions. She sees most things different from Maria. Like Maria is very against the schlocky, sort of corny films famous young actress Jo-Ann Ellis, played by Chloë Grace Moretz, does. Like her shitty alien movie with the party city wigs. Valentine is talking all this mess about how yeah the movie might be trash, but Jo-Ann goes so deep in her character. It was like Kstew was talking about herself in Twilight, and I felt embarrassed all over again. 

Valentine also sees Helena differently. Something about how there's strength in weakness and being vulnerable, and maybe she mentioned how cold and cruel characters like Sigrid shouldn't be praised or something. I remember agreeing, primarily, with her assessment concerning Helena. I don't like Doing the Most ass characters like Sigrid just destroying shit to be destroying shit, but I also get where Maria is coming from concerning her disdain for Helena, because who wants to see some old bitch groveling after an obnoxious young thot? It's the type of theme that makes me uncomfortable anytime I watch a Joan Crawford movie. Like youth and beauty are the currency and if you're over thirty, bitch move. Go outside and die. 

But you know, this Maloja Snake play sounds like motherfucking ASS and TRASH. Sounds like straight garbage and dookie crumbs if you ask me. Sounds like some typical trite misogynistic bs. Not sure if it was supposed to come across as that? Probably but idk. Wilhelm was probably some old boring white dude writing about typical old boring white dude things. Definitely looking at the whole of the movie, how they lampooned several creative industry tropes, I am thinking they were also attacking these old pretentious white dudes and their ~famous works~. Hopefully they were dragging them, because the readings Maria and Valentine were doing looked...just awful. 

Don't get me wrong, good acting from #actingbae Binoche. Oh, and Kristen Stewart was there. But anyway, good acting from Binoche. It made me actually wanna see the play (which I thought was gonna be a movie eventho they kept mentioning rehearsals??? But movies do rehearsals, non??). 

Okay so let's get down to brass tax (is that the saying? probably not wtf is a brass tax), who was who? Was Maria Helena, or still Sigrid? Sigrid, ~twenty years later~~? Because Valentine was the one who "disappeared" on the hike. WHICH, BTW, WHERE THE FUCK THAT BITCH GO?? Maria aint report her missing? Lol how they just gon gloss over that, BUT OKAY. Was Valentine Helena? It definitely seemed to be a role reversal with Maria and Valentine, but I don't get what the movie is trying to say with it? I guess they said Maloja Snake was about how the two women were drawn to each other because they shared the same wound? Was that the same with Maria and Valentine? But what was the shared wound? Idk.......like I can't tell if I'm dumb, or the movie isn't good enough. A bit of both, I suppose. 

Okay but what was going on with the Jo-Ann Ellis character? With all her drama snd the paparazzi nonsense, and then her being a bitch to Maria at the end when she gave her an acting note? I couldn't read where they were going with Jo-Ann's character. Was she younger Maria?? Do I care????? No!! 

 

Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story (2004)

Lol okay. LET'S START WITH THE FACT THAT what set Connie off to single white female identity theft boring ass Michelle Brown, was some ugly ass skirt. Michelle Brown walks into the realtor's office or whatever that Connie works in, to get her loan papers or some shit for the house she bought and Connie is eyeballing this bitch like she Naomi Campbell or Charlize Theron or some shit. Except she's not? She's Kimberly Williams-Paisley?????? WHICH. No shade, Kimberly is a cute woman, but like...........who is looking at her like I WANT TO BE HER? Connie's basic, ratchet ass, that's who.  

So this movie is about a ghetto, greasy woman named Connie Volkos who steals the identity of a nice, hard-working teacher named Michelle Brown. Oh, and one of the London brothers is here. It's not Brendan Fraser, so it doesn't matter. Even if it was it still wouldn't matter, but we're getting off topic. Tbh, that's prob for the best, but I guess I came here to talk about Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story, so should prob follow thru. :/ 

My impression of ~identity theft~ was that it was...someone steals your social security number or whatever and takes a bunch of credit cards and shit out in your name. This movie makes it like someone sees your life and envies it, so decides to take it over, kind of?? Or like, copy everything you do?? Using credit in your name??? I thought it was weird that...Connie didn't just steal Michelle's shit and go. She was tryna be Michelle and it was weird. Bitch, just scam and keep it moving. She getting plastic surgery and shit to get Michelle's basic ass legs, like bitch whër? And then was kinda lowkey highkey stalking Michelle on top uh the shit???? Like what part of the game is this???? What a weirdo lol. 

I actually kind of liked this movie lol. Ummm it's not good or anything, I think it's some Lifetime thing, but it was enjoyable to me. I thought Annabella Sciorra was really good as Connie. Also, was she wearing a fat suit? Like I don't want to accidentally shade her body, but it looked like maybe? Which I thought was funny and like just added to her shitty character. I just loved Connie's whole shitty, trash aesthetic. But still she was kind of sympathetic? Well, honestly, not towards the end of the movie, but a bit before it started to get all ultra-crimey and ridick with drug running and suicide attempts in a seedy motel and all that extra ish. 

I also felt, of course, a lot of sympathy for Michelle. Like I was really worried about her house lol. Her Dream Home. I kept wondering if her boo would hook her up if she lost the house lol like I really wanted to know if Jason London would have her back. I don't think she ended up losing the house tho, right? She def missed some payments I think, not sure. But I think I would've remembered if they mentioned foreclosure. 

YOU KNOW WHAT PISSED ME OFF THO??? That bitch in HR or whatever at Michelle's school who like lost or didn't hand in Michelle's direct deposit form when she had to close her bank account and get a new one. I WAS PISSED! I knew that loopy broad was gonna forget! Really, everything was all that bitch's fault. How is the movie just gon' gloss over her as the real villain lol I'm heated. 

Wait but can we talk about the cop? Why did I feel he was shady????? Remember how kind of dismissive he was of Michelle? And then REMEMBER WHEN HE CALLED CONNIE?? I thought he was tryna conspire with her or something? Was it weird editing or acting? lol cuz it never panned out he was sketch. BUT LIKE REMEMBER WHEN MICHELLE GOT ARRESTED AND HE SHOWED UP AND IT LOOKED LIKE HE HAD DONE SOMETHING SHADY TO GET HER TO STAY IN PRISON BUT IT TURNED OUT HE CAME TO FREE HER??????????? Why did the movie allow that? Like allow it to look like that? W e i r d. Like there was literally no reason for red herrings or anything lol or like a plot twist but it's not actually one? Very bizarre. But anyway, what do you think Brad and Kimberly be talking about? Like what's their pillow talk?? I am desperate to know, and this makes me feel sad and tired. G'day. 

Claudine (1974)

This is one of my favorite movies. Very black, but in the seventies, which is aesthetic, but not blaxploitation. Or wait, is it? Well probably most black movies are blaxploitation. We're not there yet in terms of having movies with black people in it without exploiting them, and we sure weren't there in 1974 when Claudine dropped. But at least there aren't any pimps in this movie, or Antonio Fargas. Don't get me wrong, I'm into that Black Power porn parody mess, but I prefer a movie like Claudine, that kitchen sinky sort of slice of life shit. It's easier to stomach, and less shitty lol. 

So yeah this is a bit blaxploity. Because Claudine is like a welfare mommy. But I feel the exploitative nature is kind of...mmmm diluted by Diahann? Really, the whole cast, who is sooo good. But especially Diahann, who is classy as shit. I don't know Diahann like that, she could be a ratchet mess, but she comes across as very with class, and I live for a classy broad. Especially a classy black broad. It's just...my ultimate aesthetic. It's my favorite thing. Boùgie, if you will. I mean, real bougie. Not some fake, I have thirteen Coach bags and some earrings not from Tiffany in a Tiffany box bougie. Real, I sleep on cotton sheets with such a high thread count they feel like silk but they aren't silk because silk is tacky which I know because I have class, and which you don't know, because you are trash bougie. That kind. Love it.

So I live for this classy broad playing, I guess, trash. Well, not really. But welfare moms are perceived as trash, I think, by the majority. And then also I know it's problematic of me to be like I LOVE THIS CLASSY RICH WOMAN PLAYING THIS POOR, GARBAGE WOMAN. As if an actual welfare mother would ever have the chance to star in a fucking movie that depicted her actual life, but I digress. 

Diahann really makes Claudine sympathetic, and beautiful and rude and warm and charismatic. It's not some one-note gutterbutt mess where she's just bitching about being poor and black. It's a very well-rounded performance with some added White Diamonds panache which I feel is needed for this kind of stereotypical role. To kind of...change the image of the welfare mom. Though I think some people will argue how we need to not care about trying to make stereotypes about black people look softer or better or more palatable or whatever. But I disagree because a lot of stereotypes are ugly and I don't like ugly. I like pretty, and making things nicer. Though I do like some rough ass, Mo'Nique in Precious type of shit from time to time, I prefer the Claudines. 

How am I feeling about the lightskint garbageman lover boy played by James Earl Jones? This is the first movie I saw where...James wasn't like old. Or doing the voice of Mufasa. The first time I watched this I was like...okay James can maybe get it? I mean, no. But maybe?? :/

I like that Roop is just some regular nigga. He kind of has stereotypical ideas. I feel it would've been real easy to slide a coon up into the slot of the male love interest, or a hotep, which is pretty much the same shit. But Roop is just some nigga who slings garbage tryna make a living, who needs him the love of a good woman lol. It's completely problematic that he doesn't see his kids, but that's real. At least while he's there with Claudine he's kind of looking out for hers? Let's ignore his like ex-wifeys or whatever who are like UMMMMM?? They're off-screen so it doesn't matter :/

Roop is mad problematic tho because he just dipped?? Lol um let's ignore that, because honestly this whole movie is problematic. Like Claudine tearing her daughter's ass up because she found out she was pregnant? Um, well, no offense Claudine, but if you were watching your kids maybe they wouldn't have their loose asses all out in these streetz like that? Like no shade, but you deserve to be beat for being a hypocrite? Like how many kids do you have? What are you - 36 or some shit in the movie with an eighteen year old?? *sips tea* 

But again, real.

Let's talk about Claudine's zesty, black panther son, Charles. Doing the most the whole movie. You know what? I wish this shit was a TV show. Not now lol. They would completely destroy this shit trying too hard. Let fucking Lee Daniels' wannabe house nigga ass develop it or some shit, No. NO. NO. But I wish this had been done as a series back in the seventies. A lot of shows about black family life I see from the seventies, look...like something I don't want to see lol. Just, no. Like Good Times? Hell...hell no lol. Just no. But if Claudine had been a series I'dda lapped that shit up. This some good shit you could really stretch out. But at least it exists in movie form, which is great, so watch it. 

The Staircase (2004)

Okay, first things first: how cum that judge looked like Gucci Mane? 

Okay with that out of the way, now we can get into the meat of the stew. That's not a saying but now it is. You know what else is something? Michael Peterson being a murderer. A white dude being a murderer hasn't been so obvious since Robert Durst and his sweater wearing emaciated peanut shell for a human body was hiccup-vomiting in that bathroom while his mic was on, clearly confessing to committing wayyy more murders implied on The Jinx. Girl, it was so obvious Robert was a murderer I almost started to second guess it. It started to seem like too obvious. But that's what they want you to think. Who's they? Idk. Like, who is protecting Robert Durst. He's not even likable. I mean, he is. But not like to anyone normal. He's like "funny", but you could never leave your food plate unattended around him, you know? Bobby D is a dude you chill with at Dave & Buster's or some shit, but you don't take him into your house and let him go in your bathroom. Your potpourri is in there. 

I would never chill with Michael Peterson because he's a bitch. What is his deal with bitches and stairs? You know why I sort of like Robert Durst eventho he is evil incarnate? He's like...a curmudgeon. He's mad socially uncomfortable and clearly hates everything, including paying for sandwiches eventho he is rich. Relatable. There's something about how Michael Peterson tried to come across as a ~normal~ good dude that rubs me the wrong way. I don't like fake people lol. If you a murdering bitch, be a murdering bitch. Own that shit. Yeah, Bobby D lied about killing bitches, but he lowkey openly advertised it on his grey skin and face. By wearing those sweaters, and talking and looking like that. I feel like he was lying just to be doing some shit. But Michael Peterson out here really tryna convince people he aint kill these women. Lol. 

HOWWWWWWWWWWW do two bitches you know personally die the EXACT same way, and you have nothing to do with anything? Yo if that's a coincidence, wow that sucks, but lol no. Literally the exact same way. And you know what was crazy? The daughters of that woman from Germany he killed defending their "dad". Those white girls were lost af. I feel a modicum of sympathy because if they lose Michael, they have nothing. Also I can understand not wanting to believe someone you see as a father doing such horrible things, BUT COME ON NOW. Those girls going to bat for him so much was starting to get on my nerves, especially since it seemed like the other people around Michael started to lowkey think he was guilty lol. I could tell in his brother's eyes he was like...boy...u did this shit, stop playing. I couldn't read the sons, sometimes I thought they def thought their dad was guilty, but then other times I thot they were dead-inside sociopaths? But maybe they were that but also thot their dad was guilty but didn't care because he helped them with their credit card debt or whatever lol smh

I truly thought when they went to Germany to talk to Michael's ex-wife, that she would spill the tea. But instead they show up and not only is this bitch defending him, but she's giving me even more of the creeps than Michael. This bitch was wëïrd, and I started to see how her witch ass managed to escape "falling" down a flight of stairs to her demise. If I wanted to be extra and all conspiracy-theorist, I would think it was her ass behind alladis. She is a witch. Witches exist and she is one.

But why did Michael kill the friend? Did she find out Mike was smashing his homey/her husb and she didn't like it? But he was already dead? Maybe she threatened to tell Mike's wife about it? About Michael and his "gym trips"?? Idk. I'm annoyed I don't know the motive behind his actions. There's definitely a motive. Obviously the easy route to go, at least with wifey, is that she was getting in the way of his ulterior life. It was mentioned she was pretty feisty, so maybe she went buck on him? Idk, but can we talk about that fireplace poker ~mysteriously~ turning up. 

Who "found" it? The son, right? Something weird is going on there. But since they found nothing on the poker, I don't have too many guesses, besides them drudging it up thinking if it makes an appearance and doesn't have any evidence on it, that would exonerate Michael. But why wouldn't it ~make an appearance~ earlier? Idk. But that was obviously an intentional thing. It didn't help, anyway, too bad so sad.

I need to see The Staircase 2. Does he maintain his innocence? All you have to do is look at the photos of the crime scene to know that's not some bitch who "fell" down the motherfucking stairs. This nigga is INSANE. He is just...nuts. Lol like!!!!!!!! Talking bout she fell, looking like this bitch been kicked in the back of the head with a cannonball. What sort of fall is that??!?! And they were truly reaching trying to explain how that blood got all over the place or how she had all those fucking injuries on her skull. There's def some suss shit that could work in defense of Mike, like how she had no bruising on her brain, or the lack of a weapon, but those things are pretty minor imo because the claim of her having fallen down the stairs is just so obviously not the case. Regardless of forensics not finding a viable explanation for how exactly she ended up 

like that, it certainly wasn't a slip down some steps. And it's just so white male of Michael to think he was gonna get away with that. Iconic, truly.

Is The Staircase 2 good? Does he admit? I wanna watch it but I feel it'll be some unsatisfying mess. I have to tho to see if his kids flipped sides. They probably creepier than ever, lemme go see that mess.

Str8 Outta Compton (2015)

So I've never cared about anyone depicted in this film, barring Tupac. No Whites Allowed was out when I was like a baby, I think. They were over by the time I was a kid. The only member who was on my radar was Ice Cube due to Friday and other movies, but I never cared about his acting with the exception of his performance in Boyz n the Hood. 

N.W.A to me was Eazy. I never knew anything about them. I just saw Eazy and his jheri curl. I thought he was the Beyoncé of the group and then Cube was...Kelly? And Dre was the other one. I swear to gawd before watching this movie I had no idea there were other N.W.A members beyond Eazy, Cube and Dre. This is how little I know or care about N.W.A, so when this movie first came out I was interested solely because I like biopics, but I was in no rush to see it.  

But finally I did and I'm so glad! Or...hmm, maybe that exclamation point was a bit overkill; also saying so glad. It's a bit much. But I did enjoy myself, and honestly I wasn't expecting it lol come on let's get serious. 

So the casting was pretty amazing, no? Truly, O'Shea Jackson and Jason Mitchell were iconic? I have to give it to Jason Mitchell the most out of everyone, he was so good. He don't even look like Eazy, but I was reading on some forum someone said he like completely embodied Eazy's essence and spirit and I totally agree. Which is wild lol, as I know nothing about Eazy-E, but I feel I could sense his spirit, and Jason painted that exactly. Definitely excited to see more from him in the future. 

O'Shea. lol. I was reading someone said he read his lines like he was slow and, again, I completely agree lol, but I also thought he was exactly his father. But if he would've fucked up this performance it would have highkey been a mess lol you've been known this nigga for twenty-some years, so, that's a lot of time to study. He did a good job. He also made me be interested in Ice Cube, which I definitely initially was very much not? Like, one, I had no idea Ice Cube wrote. Again, this is how little I know or care. But I also was impressed by his...convictions? And I liked how he questioned everything. I'm sure Cube was portrayed in as good of a light as they could get, so I don't want to stan too hard lest I find out he's some huge prick, but I did like how he was portrayed in the film, and it made me feel respect for him. 

Corey Hawkins...was less impressive. First of all, his acting in the scene after Dre finds out his brother was killed, was almost abysmal. This nigga 'sposed to be crying, I saw NO TEARS. lol, overall this performance was pretty whack, and this nigga don't even look like Dr. Dre. Kinda missed the mark with this, though I ultimately did buy him as Dre. However, thumbs down at the movie for making Dr. Dre seem like all he did was make beats and mind his business. I've heard a lot of things about this fool, so, um, doubt it. 

lol, the dude who played Suge Knight...was both bad and good? lol, don't know how to explain. He seemed too small physically? Though I'm not sure how big Suge Knight actually is, so maybe it was accurate. But also the guy was giving me like Moroccan or Arab teas occasionally lol. But I thought he captured Suge's sugeness. I'd watch a whole movie about Suge, though I'm sure its dark energy would make me have to watch a bunch of cartoons afterwards, or youtube videos where people eat 50,000 calories in a day. No, that is also dark-sided. Two darks don't make a light. Don't ever make that mistake again. 

Anyway! OMG MY BAE LAKEITH! Is it Keith or LaKeith?? Idk, but he is kabae. (please take my life away). lol, literally Keith had 0.06 seconds of screen time, but he was UHmazing. #actingbae. I remember thinking he gave Snoop Dogg teas before ever finding out he was in this, so spot-on casting imo. He did the voice and alladat. I was living for his -.02 seconds of screen time. Scene stealer with two lines bae. Oh, also the dude who played Tupac? Um, amazing? Sigh I can't wait til this 2pac biopic comes out. It better be lit or imma be pissed. 

Giamatti was good as Jerry Heller. Giamatti's always good. That's lowkey bae. (Don't wanna talk about it!!!). I couldn't decide from the film if Jerry was really screwing them over. I mean, I guess? He's white so prob. Let's skip over that and talk about how the movie made it seem like he was in love with Eazy?? I'd buy it. lol when Eazy fired him he was acting like this nigga asked for a divorce. It was very emotional. But never do those lacefront cornrows again. Never!! 

What else did I care about? Oh, No Vaseline. That shit was iconic? Like okay Ice Cube, go awf lol. Side-eye @ Heller for only gettin' hype about the "anti-Semitic" bit. I loved that scene, though, how the b-girls or whatever were nodding their heads and enjoying the song lol. How everyone was, really. Then Eazy saying how they were gonna get in the studio and come back harder and then DJ Yellowstone National Park or whatever was like "probably not" or some shit. Iconic.  

Anyway this movie was really good and it almost made me want to check out some of the music. But alas, I am a black female human, so I doubt I won't be extremely offended and disgusted lol, so, I'll pass :') Might snatch up "No Vaseline", though. It's mad homophobic maybe, but also lit? But also super-gay, effectively cancelling out the homophobia and making it okay to consume. What does Ice Cube know about Vaseline, hmm? *sips Capri Sun* sus.   

By the Sea (2015)

Ummmmmm. The assumption would be that this film is about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's marriage, with some details changed to throw you off from thinking this is exactly about their marriage. Like Brad's character being a writer (l o fucking l!!!!), or Jolie's character being barren.

What I def believe about both of them is that Brad is a drunk, and Jolie pops pills. Is it all trashy to be speculating about how the characters in the movie's lives parallel to their own? Um, yes. But also I'm pretty sure this is what Jolie and her male husband want: for people to speculate. It's not even really interesting, though. Not even with them recently separating, it's like, this isn't 2005. Or even 2010. Oh wow, I know the year.

Anyway, this movie was...pretty dumb? It was like extra-lame? Oh, Vanessa can't have kids, so? She and her husband? Act like they used to be sewn together in a human centipede? And are still SHOOK from the experience?? When really they just can't have kids, and it's like, hello, ADOPTION?? Like it's weird Angelina Jolie of all people would even write something like this (did she? smh idk 2 lazy 2 check). Or, maybe this was done to mock people who don't adopt, or like an anti-adopters psa or some shit idk.

What likely happened was Angelina saw Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? on TCM late one night, and she was all like, this is so me and Brad, and now we have By the Sea. I was def getting Who's Afraid teas all throughout the movie, with the not being able to have kids thing, and then bringing this ~fresh~ younger couple into the mix to "ruin" them. LIKE THIS WAS A STRAIGHT UP RIP-OFF OF WHO'S AFRAID? Or, cough, a ~homage~. 

I wouldn't even care if the movie was actually good. It is not. Which is disappointing, because I enjoy both Jolie and Pitt as actors, and a movie about their very high profile relationship, which is clearly a mess, should be really interesting, no? No. It's not. They just have regular ass problems, and I am entirely over it.

Obviously their exact real-life problems are not depicted in the film, however I am annoyed that the substitute problems given to Angelina and Brad's surrogates in the film were so lame. Like, oh. Roland wrote one good book and has sucked ever since. Congrats, you're Hank Moody.

Then Vanessa and her grief manifesting as intimacy issues, like all a woman has to snatch away is the puss and everything comes to a halt. It's like true, misogynistic, and empowering all in one? Never thee mind, for the main thing it is is tired. And then her spying on Lea and François through that hole in the wall. Tired. They're just some regular white people having regular white people sex but they have French accents, so I guess it's turnt? Bleh. And then Vanessa tryna smash François to ruin his and Lea's relationship. Lame, but let's be honest, François's French ass went on a vacation somewhere separate from his wife on his own honeymoon. He could probably happily ruin his relationship on his own, thanx. 

You know the one thing I liked? How Roland kept turning over Vanessa's glasses. It was kind of obvious and contrived, but the intimacy of it sort of overshadowed that, I think. To me, that was the realest thing here in this overall very sort of phony depiction of love and relationships. A movie made up of all sorts of ideas like the turning over of the sunglasses, would have been much better, instead of this sort of cowardly, shy ass Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? rehash. Brad & Ang, just set up a camera in your house and let it roll. That would have been worth something, By the Sea is not. I'd still recommend a watch obviously if you like Brad + Angie, which I do. Def don't expect anything good though, and you'll be fine! :')

After (2012)

So Sky High bae Steven Strait and Karolina Wydra (¿?) play two strangers on a bus, named Freddy and Ana. Freddy tries to chat Ana up. He does some shitty drawing of her. Ana is mad disgusted, as she should be. She's all "...Do you mind, I am trying to journal?". At some point in this awkward approach, Freddy and Ana discover they're from the same town and live on the same street. Freddy is all "WHAT HOUSE DO YOU LIVE IN???". Ana is mad creeped out, as she should be, and Freddy is like nvm, but suggests he and Ana go get coffee sometime. It's mad awkward because she obvi wishes he were dead. Thankfully, the bus crashes.

Ana wakes up late for work. She's getting ready and she discovers she has hairy armpits. WOW. OMG, SEW WËRD. Look, movie: Don't ever try to imply someone has maybe been in a coma for a long time through fucking armpit hair length. Some bitches don't shave. This is a too fucking lazy 2 shave suck the matted lint out of my tangled armpit hairs blog, thank you! 

So whatever lol, fast-forward to weird shit happening. Like, oh, the town is completely abandoned. Ana doesn't find another sign of life until she runs into Freddy. Or, she hears him playing music mad loud in his house and breaks in?? Something like that.

So it's just the two of them. Basically they were in a bus accident... I think everyone else on the bus died but they were the only survivors? Ana is in a coma. She has to figure out how to get through the enclosing fog, or else she dies on the other side. Like if the black fog encompasses them, she dies in her coma. 

  

Before Ana and Freddy figured out all the tea, I felt they were under-reacting. There's literally no one around. They can't leave this town because it's enclosed by a mass of fog. Oh, and Ana ran into her dead aunt and a fucking younger version of herself that was blonde, and didn't have a Polish accent smh. I mean... I don't know how they were supposed to be acting, it just seemed they weren't as freaked out as I felt they needed to be for the severity of the sitch.

Whatever. Freddy and Ana have like twoish days to figure out how to get out of the purgatory they're in, that is also...Ana's conscience? Um. So there was a lot going on here kind of? 

-Ana being in a coma and them being on The Other Side

-but also it was in her...head? Or soul?

-Ana and Freddy share souls?? 

-Does that allude to them being soulmates? The movie definitely implies it, but an annoying part of me wants to understand the sci-fi logic of the world this movie set up, if you feel me? Like...if they're in Ana's mind (are they?), how is Freddy having flashbacks to his weird stepdad, which Ana would know nothing about? But if they share souls, then I guess? 

Can we talk about how Freddy killed Ana's aunt??????!?!? No, can we go back to talking about how Ana has like some sort of Eastern European accent with dark features but the younger version of her was completely opposite and possibly not even of the same ethnicity lol. AND THE SAME WITH FREDDY. Is Steven Str8 ~spicy white~?? You know in that Jason Momoa sort of way? Idk, but the kid who played the young him looked nothing like him did casting even try I'm.

Idk, the ending blah blah. Freddy got killed in Ana's...coma, by some fucking monster thing. And omg when will this end. Ana escapes the world in her coma, and wakes up. She immediately goes to find Freddy. He's in a wheelchair and doesn't remember her, but at the end the movie implies maybe Freddy a little does remember and Ana & Freddy are soulm8s and I think they kiss? It's not okay, Ana, he's mentally impaired.

After (ha) I watched this movie, I remembered thinking it wasn't that bad. There were so many bad and cheesy elements, but it held my interest. However, now, writing about it, I'm hard pressed to remember why I a little bit didn't hate this. I guess the movie had some interesting ideas? The execution was abysmal, but I'm not a stickler, if you can tell by my terrible writing. But, uh. This was pretty bad lol. But it's worth a watch, maybe. Not really, but maybe lol. 

Girls, seaz 5

So I took a hiatus from watching Girls for a bit. I wish it was because I hate Lena Dunham or some other very acceptable reason such as that, but nah, I fell off on a lot of my TV shows that I watch...the TV way. Been streaming a lot. But I recently got a free trial of HBO NOW (kill me), so I finally watched season 5 and literally no one asked or cares :')

Um. I don't remember too much about season 4, just that I hated it?? Or liked it less than previous seasons. But tbh, I doubt it was any worse than prior seasons, I just was in a different frame of mind when I started watching Girls, that I am no longer in. Short story: significantly less impressed with bad-bodied white feminists. But I still--I don't want to say I enjoy watching, lol, but maybe I do? Idk, I just feel like enjoy is the wrongest word. Almost any other word would be better. Sepulchral. I sepulchral watching.

So, bitch, GUESS WHAT?!?!? Adam and Jessa are FINALLY together and I want to throw up and die. This is my dream! Wow, that is super-sad!! But I have been waiting for this and omg it's sew cute! Is that okay to say? lol, it's Adam and Jessa. They are both such a mess, but that's why they're a perfect match! It's so cute it's so cute!! Pleeeeeeeeeez. lol. I will cry (no) if Lena breaks them up final season. Bitch better not play games or I will run up on her Little Critter looking ass and I am skreaming @ someone on the interwebz pointing out that she looks like that. Why can't people be nice lol. Too much work, moving on! 

So, I don't like...how...Jessa and Adam are being framed. The whole thing. You know what kept annoying me? Hannah being like Are they fucking? Jessa and Adam are fucking, etc. Bitch, no - they're boyfriends! They're raising a child together, you stupid bitch. Casual sex friends don't pay for college tuitions, bitch! They are longtime companions, ho! Bitch when Jessa said (screamed) even if she died beside Adam in bed she'd never forgive him, I was like awwww lol. It was so romantic <3 uwu lol, smh. 

But I don't like how it's being set up like...Jessa stole Hannah's boyfriend. First of all, no. Hannah and Adam are no longer 2gether, and haven't been for a minute? And that's it basically. Imo, they're treating this like a way bigger deal than it is. These are grown people, or they're supposed to fucking be anyway. This isn't middle school. Two consenting grown adults can do whatever or whomever the fuck they want, bearing, it's, like, within legal bounds. Miss me with all that JESSA BETRAYED HANNAH bullshit, like Hannah owns these people. Smh they can do as they damn well please, and bitch if you had literally anything going on, they would be a non-factor to you. Also, if you love these people like you vaguely claim you do, shouldn't you be happy for them? I'm not gonna play dumb and act like this wouldn't exactly happen this way in real life, I'm just saying it's dumb when it does. What was not realistic, however, was Hannah's reading. It wasn't funny or good, and when her mom put up her ten fingers, I knew she had died inside long ago. Typical beard teas. 

Aside from that Adam and Jessa drama, what all else did Hannah's annoying ass have going on? Sucking Ray's flaccid peenus (no), uh flashing her weird vagina @ her boss (DOUBLE NAHHH!!!!), uh, oh and some boyfriend drama. lol, I don't even remember her bf's name. This is so funny because I didn't remember his character's name in Obvious Child either lol. He is so boring I'm screaming. 

I don't know...how I feel...about Hannah making it like...oh, his niceness is a mask for his anger. I guess it was a stab at the ~nice guy~ trope. But he did genuinely seem okay? lol. Plus, anyone dating Hannah...like, Hannah could be dating a golden retriever puppy and like in two weeks it's drinking in the street and kicking chihuahuas in the head, just cuz. I feel like that's the affect she has on people. She's beyond annoying, and anyone would spaz being with her. But side-eye at Unnamed White Boy for even dating her. Like, what's wrong with him, huh? Screaming tho @ the handwritten letter his brother wrote about how rude Hannah is lol. I hope to inspire sum1 to write such a letter about me someday :') I love having a dream.  

They brought Christopher Abbott's ambiguously raced ass back and I am truly screaming. Didn't he talk shit about Lena and the show lol? Was that a real thing or just unconfirmed gossip? Either way, it definitely happened. Marnie is so dumb, for real. Why would she go anywhere with him? And then he was acting mad shady. lol did he set her up to get robbed? That wasn't addressed, but, he did, right? Idk, but that whole shit was iconic just to highlight how dumb and no purpose-having Marnie is. She is so embarrassing but her character remains entertaining to me. Actually everyone except Shoshanna (later). I'm excited she's divorcing that creepy dude (skreeming @ him saying she'd end up murdered, tho. Sooooo true.), but not excited their music is popping off. But what is going on with her and Ray? I am so...grossed out. So...she had a dream about brushing his hair and came? Gross. And I am not shipping them. They are not cute like Jessa and Adam, stop. 

Anyway, Shoshanna. Everything involving the Japan stuff was offensive. Moving on, Shoshanna could be written off the show and literally no one would care. 

Can't wait til the horribleness of season 6, the final seaz, oui? It better be lit. Don't end it with some weird shit like a wedding, or Hannah running down the turnpike to a fucking Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros song. Make it a Tinashe song. All hands on deck! omg have Hannah jumping off the TCM cruise to all hands on deck!! All hands off deck lol!!!!! 

Unnatural (2015)

Um, in what world would all the Native Americans die before the whites in the case of a mutant WOLFBEAR on the loose? 

Well, okay, I guess you could reason, the WOLFBEAR is man-made, not a natural occurrence. The wolfbear was made by evil whites, in particular Sherilyn Fenn, who has a really great Evil White face. So okay, I can get behind that logic. Maybe the Natives would be able to defeat a non-genetically modified bear, but they are no match against some hormones-enhanced, probably not paraben-free wolf stitched haphazardly into a bear mashup beast. Fine, but spare me that James Remar's character would be like the best candidate for survival. I don't care how long he's been hunting in some random mountains, he is white. And not a spicy white like Jason Momoa, okay? Just a regular degular one. Though he was Samantha's match on Sex & the City, and she was even more alarming than a wolf bear, something maybe a lot of people would describe her pussy as??????? And that would be the nicest descriptor. Anyway, I've gone off track. I'm glad. This movie was bad and I don't feel like talking about it :')

So whatever, James Remar, Q'orianka Kilcher (Pocahontas bae. Is that offensive? Probably.), and...some dude named Nate, live in some cabin out in the middle of snowy ass nowhere. I don't know why, I just know they don't have proper electricity. A character doucheily asks Q'orianka's character later in the movie why they live out there and she's all like "You'll never understand". Okay bitch me neither, tf!

Anyway, some photographer dude, his two models and his assistant are coming out to the cabin to do a photoshoot. Sigh. 

1. Why were there like all these weird ~sexy~ shots in the movie? lol, it's cold and I want to see nothing but snowboots and sweaters. How dare you have bitches in this movie skimping around in bikinis? This aint Spring Breakers, bitch, get this shit out my face! One of the main appeals of watching a movie that takes place in a snowy setting is that everyone will be cozied up. But I guess the creators felt this movie really needed some jutty-ass model hipbone all in my eyeballs. Just, everything to do with the ugly ass photographer and his mess was mad lame? A movie just with James Remar and his squad would have sufficed? And then that way the Natives could have had more screentime?? JUST A THOUGHT! 

So whatever, the wolfbear kills one of the models during their photoshoot lol. Then, SMH, Nate got killed off-screen??? THE FUCK YOU MEAN?!?! lol what. He was reminding me of Hanzee from Fargo seaz 2. Like, I thought he was gonna go the fuck in for the rest of the movie? But he just got eaten by the wolfbear offscreen? lol smh, what the fuck even was this movie?? 

So then whatever, Sherilyn Fenn turns up. Didn't ask her to, but I guess this is happening. This whole movie is happening, so why not? Blahblah, basically Sherilyn is a scientist who works for some governmenty science place, doing nature shit idk. I think Sherilyn's excuse is her science place was trying to figure out a way to make polar bears not be an endangered species or whatever? So...they fused one with wolf dna or some mess and it went blitzo. 

Remar suspects Sherilyn's character is shady, prob cuz of her shady ass face, but he isn't able to confirm until he finds a tape recorder of her discussing what her and her geek/evil government science friends are experimenting on.  

Couldn't care less. Especially after they killed off Q'orianka. I was completely over it. This movie had potential, because 1. wolfbear, and 2. political commentary about...whatever lol. Government sciencey shit, idk. The movie had potential, but I felt it was trying too hard to appeal to white people, pretty much. Or like, idk? White teen boiz, specifically? Is that the target demo? It completely never fucking should be.

The Stanford Prison Experiment (2015)

At first I thought this gathering of ~hot~, young, irrelevant boy actors would be kinda lame. I mean, I was seeing fucking...Moises Arias, that chunky blonde bitch from Awkward, that whack bitch from Animal Kingdom, and a bunch of other super-ugly boi actors I be seeing in shit, unimpressing the shit out of me. When Michael Angarano is the fucking Pacino of your film, in my estimation you have a problem.

Wrong! Very wrong. This movie was EXTREMELY LIT, and Michael Angarano as the Pacino went THE FUCK AWF!!! 

Where to even begin. I watched this movie primarily for Ezra Miller, because that's where I'm at in my life. I am a fucking fan of Ezra Miller. Pleez. Also, Michael Angarano. Did it seem like I was shading him up there? Because I hope so, I was. But I been stanning for old boy...for a minute. I wanna say since Sky High, but I think it's been since before that. I think he was in some kid shit I used to watch all the time idk whatever who cares. I will definitely watch a movie or show if I know Angarano is in it. However I stan for Ezzie more and watched this shit the most for him, either way I want to die.

Okay so Billy Crudup plays some dude named Dr. Philip Zimbardo. He's doing some "study" about how prison affects the psyche or some shit idk. He advertises for a two week study that involves a bunch of men coming in and participating in a prison simulation. Some men will play prisoners, some will play guards. 

Zimbardo and his colleagues interview all the men, mainly kind of trying to see if any of them are mental, I think. Then he asks all of them if they want to be a prisoner, or a guard. Everyone says prisoner. Lol, WHAT? Who the fuck wants to be imprisoned??? What a bunch of whites lol. What a completely unclear idea of what it feels like to be oppressed and to have your rights taken away smh. I would say guard SO MOTHERFUCKING QUICK! And ask if I was getting a stick and taser, FUCK THAT!!  

But it don't matter what they say they want, Zimbardo and them flip coins and that's how they decide who will be prisoner and who will be guard. 

Notable prisoners: Ezra, Tye Sheridan, Johnny Simms (whom I have never saw it for, but he was good here), Chris Sheffield, and my bae Ki Hong Lee, who kept asking for his pills (vitamins) (me). 

Notable guards: Michael Angarano aka "John Wayne". And no one else. Michael Angarano as a guard was probably one of the most doing the most performances I have ever seen. It was iconic, honestly. Like, bro. THIS ISN'T REAL. He really went all in for like seven dollars an hour. Wait how much were they making? It wasn't a lot because I remember thinking they sounded sad when they were speaking of their pay lol. (Oh it was some shit like fifteen dollars a day! Bruh.) But Michael Angarano's character coming through and taking this shit sooooo seriously was so lit and legendary. I despised his character lol he was so ugly and hateful. Like, even though he was ~pretending~ for the ~study~, it was clear that was just really him lol. Like this study allowed him--Like gave him this safe space to be his truly awful self, and oh, cool, get paid for it. 

What was soooooo funny to me in the movie was how mad shit would be happening, right? And then like DAY 1 would pop up on the screen!!! Like I would be DYIINNNNNG, BITCH! I swear to god they were going the fuck in up in there and it'd be like two hours lol! Byeeee!!!!!!! Like how many times did Ezra get put in fucking what's it called? The isolation closet or whatever. He was there for TWO DAYS and tried to fucking overthrow the government like a million times, got his ass beat, tried to escape, was going through all this strife, had a breakdown and dipped. All this shit in two. days. 

I was annoyed when Ezra left the film lol?? Like I watched this shit for you?? But nah it was fine because Angarano was still turning up. Also I found other prisoners to care about like Tye Sheridan's character, killing me softly, and them other notable prison niggas I mentioned. Oh, I also a little cared about chunk from Awkward. I completely forgot entirely what all happened with him, but he had a good amount of screentime and I remembered caring.

While watching the film, I was primarily getting my life from shit happening in the "prison". But I was also a little bit getting my life from scenes with the doctory science people running the study. Zimbardo and his geek squad and Nelsan Ellis' random ass ex-fucking Alcatraz character. Wait which priz did he come from? Gitmo? Idk, but he came from some famously extreme prison environment. Zimbardo's coon ass black colleague was looking at Nelsan's character like WHY ARE YOU HERE, PLEASE? Like bitch mind ur bidness. 

Zimbardo was entirely doing the most having Jesse there. Like ooooh a real life ex-con. He knows what REALLY happens in a priz. And like when dudes would try to leave the study, he'd be there to claim they were faking, or talk of how tough he had it or something, so they could take their ass right back on in there. DOING THE MOST CUZ, GUESS WHAT? NOT A REAL PRISON!!! Not a real prison. You want to do a study on how prison affects people, ummmmmmm I DON'T KNOW, take your ass to an actual prison?? The fuck. Zimbardo was just doing way too much for me. And he was mad excited by terrible things. Was I getting Frankenstein teas from watching this? Yeah I think at one point when Zimbardo's girl called him out??? Idk, it was lit. Like it was real bad lol, but like in an entertaining great way????? 

What made Zimbardo end the study? Was it Tom saying bastard so his fellow inmates wouldn't have to do push ups? Or was it Angarano and the other guards being weird and getting the prisoners to simulate fucking? I know for me it was Tom putting his morals aside to kowtow to John Wayne. That scene was lit, but I was pissed when Tom said bastard. Heartbreaking, and I am not even joking please watch this movie why was this made who decided to make this please.

The end interviews!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With them post the study. Bitch, I got my entire life with the one at the very end with 8612 and John Wayne. It looked really contrived, like Ezra and Angarano had seen real footage of such interviews, and they looked like they were mimicking them to the t, especially Angarano. It was so bad it was good. Where the fuck is Angarano's appreciation?? I mean I know I was shading the shit out his pasty mealy ass but like, he Did That™. From beginning to end, bitch. Ezra was Ezra, per ush. Tye Sheridan made me really care about his character. What a come up from being the brother with like no lines in that long ass The Tree of Life. Who else? Billy was good. Very creepy, but he kept it from being over the top. It seemed like a realistic unhinged sciencey person performance, where the work takes precedence over the subject. Also really loved Nelsan Ellis. That scene where they were interviewing Johnny Simms' character for parole was iconic. When Olivia Thirlby looked down at his blank ass paper I WAS THROUGH! 

This movie was fun as hell to watch. But also disturbing. But I have a lot of problems so that didn't bother me too much. The kind of shitty seventies costuming did a bit? The facial hair was fucking tragic, but I'll allow it because the movie was so on point. But don't ever do those falling ass off lacefront moustaches and side burns again. You know you were wrong for that. You know you were.