Everyone Is Terrible: Transparent Season 1

So it took me forever to finally get around to watching Transparent. Primarily because I refuse to pay for an Amazon Prime subscription eventho I'm constantly ordering shit off there and it would just be economically wise for me to have one. But would it be spiritually? NO. So I continue to just steal a few days here and there so I can watch their little shows and the shittiest Anthony Perkins movies I can't find anywhere else. Like, of course Amazon Prime has that weird Jekyll and Hyde movie he did and that grainy ass movie with Charles Bronson that looks like it was shot with a fucking cardboard box with some broken dollar store sunglasses used as the lens. Is this getting too specific? Anyway, I digress. That happens a lot. I think I have ADD. But whatever, who cares, we'll all be dead soon. Fingers. Crossed!!

Do I like Transparent? Idk. I ~*~binge-watched~*~ the whole thing in like five hours. I mean, it was only ten eps. But I specifically remember having some shit to do that day (lol okay) and ignoring those priorities and just watching Transparent instead? I mean, I decided to do that before I even saw the first episode so I don't think that says anything about the quality of the show or my level of interest in it, I'm just a lazy ass procrastinator who takes any and every excuse to avoid responsibilities! Cuz I'm a piece of dookie! Sort of like every character on this show and it all comes around full circle yess!!!! 

I think I do like the show, but why is everyone the absolute worse? Like, everyone. Maura, too, right? I feel we're not supposed to think Maura is the worst, but there's...just something about her. Like when she was in her support group thing and she said her kids were "so selfish"...how fucking tone deaf and non-self aware can you be? If your kids are selfish...it's cuz you raised them like that??? And let's not even talk about you being super-pumped about Ali not having a bat mitzvah just so you could go to that weird tranny summer camp. But sigh, Maura's not really that bad compared to her kids. BUT SIGH AREN'T THEY LIKE THAT BECAUSE OF HER? Or are we to mainly blame Judith Light? I feel comfortable mainly blaming Judith Light, but, come on, can Maura take some responsibility??? 

Okay, so who's the worstest out of the three kids? They are all so. fucking. horrible. but...Josh. Like, definitely Josh, right? He's so skeevy and gross and just awful. With his ~*~love addiction~*~ bullshit. Would he or would he not have fucked Bianca if ol' girls had not come home, hmm?? And who smokes WEED DRUGS with A CHILD and goes like half-way skinny dipping with them? Lol I'm trying to make it sound way more egregious, but gah he is so inappropriate and nausea-making. Like fucking that girl he was managing. First of all she looked barely legal, and it's just not cute or poppin' to be smashing some bitch whose career you're meant to be guiding and protecting, but OKAY.

And the rabbi! I love Kathryn Hahn so much and she's so cute and omg here as a rabbi she's adorable and so sweet and precious and I want to throw up at how thirsty she was acting for that Josh peen. Like, Josh is cute and definitely played by the less-annoying, clearly underrated Duplass brother, but he not that cute, and he's still played by a Duplass brother, so. Like, I'm sure there are way cuter Jew boys in ol' girls church that she could be checkin' for, why she so souped on Josh? He looks like he has a small dick and would make her kill all the spiders if they went on honeymoon to Australia. There's no way I'm fuckin' with a nigga who would make me kill all those monstrous-size ass wolf spiders in the OZ. Come on, rabbi girl, do better. 

Is Josh the worst because he was molested by that babysitter and no one did too much about it??? Are we supposed to accept that he was mature enough to make the decision for himself that he wanted to fuck that grown ass woman? Wait how old was she when they started up? She was at least in her twenties. Mmnn. 

Wait let's talk about how I thought Josh was gonna fuck Bianca and it'd be like this cyclical thing with him abusing a child like how he was abused but this show pussied out and it didn't happen?!?!?! Even when she went to go stay with him?!?!?!? Um, okay. And why does Bianca's fast ass have to be black?? Hmm?! So she can appear ~sexier~? Smh @ this show using black people as like sexual props. 

And now segue to Ali! 

So Ali tryna get a threesome in with those two black dudes doesn't make her "the worst". Wait hold up! I'm so annoyed this show keeps pussying out on shit. YO I WANTED TO SEE THAT SHIT GO. DOWN. And how like cliché that the dudes got weirded out by her saying they really wanted to fuck each other. Lol as if they would've really stopped like that. Smh, come on, come on now!! 

So Ali is the least-worst kid to me, but when I was reading about the show on imdb everyone was all like "omg kill Ali". What? Kill Ali? Nah, kill Josh, kill Sarah, kill fucking Len and Syd and fucking Maura and that ugly butch lesbian drag king. Wait...let me evaluate. Is Ali really as bad as all those imdb keyboard thugs were implying but I can't see it because I'm so blinded by my undying love for Gaby Hoffmann??? Okay let me see!! 

Sooooooooo Ali is basically a character off Girls, maybe a little older. She's like Gaby's actual character on Girls mushed into like Hannah annnnnnd, idk, Jessa?? Adam?? Girl, idk. But she'd def fit right on in there. I, as an entitled millennial, am too deep in the eye of the storm to see how horrible, I guess, these types actually are. So I can't give Ali any "the worst!" points just for being like, lazy, unemployed and aimless. Bro, she's ~finding herself~, give her some space, allow her to prosper and flourish into a beautiful flower and/or cumbersome garden weed! 

Ali was wrong for how she did Syd, maybe? Lol like she's def a not-good friend to her. When she said she wanted to do mushrooms with those black dudes instead of Syd eventho Syd got her the drugs I was like "...yikes." Feelin' mad awkward for Syd lol. So Ali in general is definitely a user and that's sort of dickish. And then when Syd...basically confessed her love for Ali...ssssssss lol. Um, okay. So, idk what sort of response you're even supposed to have to that. If your ~best friend~ tells you they're in love with you, but you're not in love with them, what the hell are you supposed? to? say? Like, thanks? Idk, man. And then Ali was already in a bad headspace because SHE IS IN LOVE WITH HER OWN FUCKING BROTHER WHOM SHE FOUND OUT SYD WAS FUCKING BEHIND HER BACK. Syd is the worst one here for fucking her homegirl's man, imo lol omfffggggggg. 

Is Ali "the worst" because she's in love with Josh? lol omg I just cannot. deal. I don't feel any type of way about her saying that shit to the rabbi because it was all true and that rabbi needed to learn. THOUGH, it looks from promotionals of the show that ol' girl will still be with Josh so clearly she didn't fucking listen. Sigh. Anyway, I don't care that Ali talked shit about Josh to her, Josh doesn't deserve that rabbi idc I am team not here for that fucking relationship. Josh deserves Ali. Ali is in Josh's league. His stupid ass needs to stay in his lane. And this brings me back to being pretty solid that Joshy is the worst of all the kids eventho Ali had the audacity to throw money at Maura as if this bitch got herself a job working the panini press at Arby's or something. I...don't recall...any scenes...showcasing Ali...acquiring employment...so.............

Ugh I haven't even discussed Sarah. Sigh, I don't want to. Siiigh. Okay sigh. Sooo Sarah reunites with her old college girlfriend and shit pops off. Can we just talk about Melora Hardin real quick? I lovvvveee her as Tammy, she fuckin kills me. When she said she was used to people being jealous of her with a straight ass face? Omg that was maybe my favorite moment from the whole show she is the best and my queen eventho I lowkey hate her and definitely lowkey hate Sarah and all their mess :')

So whatever, Sarah cheats on and then eventually leaves her husband, Len. I don't really feel any type of way about that because Len has an annoying look. I don't like his face, and I don't like the way he talks. Rob Huebel can be douchey on Human Giant but he cannot and will not bring that mess over here and expect me to care about his character in any way at all whatsoever. I did think Sarah was douchey for how she handled things, but I was more annoyed with her for being so thirsty over Tammy. Like, this is your first tribbing experience in what? Twenty years? Calm down. How do you know you love this ho? Maybe you're just souped the sex is good? And, I mean, who is really tryna marry Tammy? Why do you look like a brined and leathered Justin Beiber, hmm? Is Sarah for real? She's mad cute, she could get any lesbian bitch. She could have a whole harem, like, let's all just calmmmm downnn with the rash permanent ass decisions. Like just make Tammy's bossy ass one of many harem girls, Sarah, come on, so stupid :') So tragically dumb :,))

Mmmm eventho I think that Sarah is a dummy, and agree with Maura that she is selfish, I don't find her to be "the worst". Wait, is she less-worse than Ali, my fave? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I think Sarah is just more annoying to me, but lowkey Ali is prob worse than her. Like, at least Sarah is not tryna fuck her brother. You can tell Ali grew up on Clueless ;)

:(

Hmm, anyway, what have I done? Idk. You know who's not the worst but the best? Judith Light. She's the best thing here, right? Can her ass get more screentime? She's better than everyone and I don't understand why we really only saw her in her little condominium talking about Vitaminwater and trying to kill her husband. I mean, that was great, but more! Maybe now that her husband is dead we can see her dating! Hmmm, I feel like I'm just asking for this show to give me a reason to hate her. Like Shelly dating will be really bad, right? We'll find out more why all the kids are the way they are?? Sigh, I don't want to have to like Maura more than Shelly. Maybe...maybe keep Shelly in the back prob. The less known, the better maybe. Lol no I am just kidding more Shelly less everyone else except Ali :) Fix this show to how I specifically want it :') Please no scenes with Josh's kid :) I see him in promotionals and I'm not happy :) No one cares about the kid Josh had with the babysitter who raped him :')

Grave Encounters (2011) in shitty screenshots I took while watching it on Youtube

"one of the scariest most memorable films of the year" lol okay movie poster. Well, iono, honestly, what was going on in 2011? Lemme go bing "horror films 2011" and see what the competition was. 

Wow okay, so

bing.com tells me Insidious came out that year. Insidious is corny and lowkey terrible, but it's def miles better than whatever the fuck Grave Encounters thought they were doing. Hmmm didn't see Super 8, or Scream 4, those movies are probably equally as terrible as GE. Fright Night was trash and entirely non-scary, so if it was supposed to be, lol. It was def a better movie than Grave, but that isn't saying much. Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was actually good, but that is a comedy all the way through come on, bing.com, what are you playing at. The Thing? Hmm The Thing was genuinely trash. Worse than Grave Encounters trash? No, because at least the cast was attractive. Everyone in Grave Encounters was Canadian and one of them was wearing a fucking toupée, so, again, they take the L.  

Final Destination 5? Lowkey Final Destination movies are always lit, even when they are super terrible, and star that nice guy fedora character from Masters of Sex. Hmmm Hobo with a Shotgun. You would think Grave Encounters could best a movie with that basic, obvious ass title, but alas, that movie was better than GE. And not subjectively. Objectively less worse. Next! Attack the Block--yo, real quick, who decides what is considered "horror"? THE SHIT HAS TO BE SCARY. What is scary about Attack the Block? Yung Denzel's wooden ass acting? Shout outs to John Boyega, doing it big in Hollywood!!! Also shout outs to Grave Encounters, who stays losing, because in no way is Grave Encounters scarier or more memorable than Attack the Block, which isn't even a horror film, and the lesser Treadaway brother is in it. Cum on. I Saw the Devil? That mess, which actually qualifies as a horror film eventho it's more action-y than horror, is LEAGUES ahead of Grave Encounters in every category, but maybe it doesn't count because it's a Korean film, but no cuz GE is a Canadian film and Canadians count way less than Koreans, everyone agrees. Didn't see Black Death or Red State but let's just decide Grave Encounters loses eventho one of those movies is directed by Kevin Smith which should be an automatic loss, however at least he is not from Canada. He is from New Jersey, tho, so...I mean...it's not Canada!

Apollo 18? T R A SH. Annnnd I think we've stumbled upon a movie worse than Grave Encounters - jackpot!! But...hold on. Perhaps not. At least Apollo 18 had astronauts. What does Grave Encounters have? Houston Gray? Houston we have a problem. Grave Encounters takes the L yet again :(

Didn't see: Stake Land, Priest. Saw: The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), The Roommate, The Rite, Red Riding Hood, opening credits of The Ward before getting disgusted by the cast list among so many other things and turning it swiftly the fuck off. 

Movies that are really bad but somehow not worse than Grave Encounters: The Roommate, The Rite, Red Riding Hood, The Ward eventho I turned it off so fucking quick at least that movie stars Amber Heard and anyway this was my 2nd attempt watching Grave Encounters, I turned this off two seconds in the first time so when I try to watch The Ward again bet it'll turn out better than Grave Encounters eventho that movie stars Amber "married to Johnny Depp when he isn't even cute anymore and is always wearing those bracelets like he is some teenage cutter" Heard. 

Movies that I didn't see but are probably better than Grave Encounters because I need them to be for the purpose of this petty ass roasting I'm attempting: Stake Land, Priest. Isn't Paul Bettany in Priest? Exactly. P Betts is the truth! Who's in Stake Land? Nah, lemme not bing.com that cast. Shiloh Fernandez might be in that. If Shi-fern is in that...the point I'm trying to make will still be made! Nothing is scarier than Shiloh Fernandez being in your movie. 

Movies that are better than Grave Encounters, and everything else: The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence). That movie is so not as respected as it should be. True classic lol

Didn't see but prob better than Grave Encounters because at least *insert me reaching to continue being mean as hell for no reason*: The Divide, Shark Night, Hostel: Part III. 

Movies that came out in (2010) so wtf bing.com: A Serbian Film.

Movies that came out in 2010 and are so bad and have an entire adult human being fucking a baby in the ass but so what at least it's not Grave Encounters: A Serbian Film.

Movies I saw that are so fucking horrible and tragic in every way but at least one has Guy Pearce in it and the other one has...sigh...Hayden Christensen?? ugh: Vanishing on 7th Street, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.

So! IN CONCLUSION! The claims on the movie poster stating that Grave Encounters is one of the scariest, most memorable films of the year are entirely inaccurate. And maybe you want to stan for the movie and be like "It says 'one of'!". But it's not even one of. And honestly the only competition is Insidious and I Saw the Devil. Grave Encounters is nowhere near them movies, so fucking stop it. It's not even in the same league as garbage I turned off immediately like The Ward. The Ward has Johnny Depp's wife in it! Whose wife is in fucking Grave Encounters? Who THE FUCK is married to Mackenzie Gray?!!?

lol I was gonna do a whole blog post making fun of the tragic screencaps from the movie I took while watching it on youtube, but I am tired from being a bitch, so I'm just gonna post the pics without any commentary and laugh and laugh and laugh at how empty my life is :')

(sigh, lowkey I was obsessed with Houston Gray ugh why does this keep happening)

oh, this moment was actually a scary thing that happened in the film lol. Like, just this one moment. When MAIN WHITE DUDE woke up and THE GIRL ONE had disappeared in that misty fog? That was genuinely spooky. Now back to me posting these blurry ass screencaps without any commentary don't ask me why there are so many of the exxxotical in the ball cap. Omg he had like a little bit of a Jamaican accent smh I bet his mixed ass is from Ontario

....Should Grave Encounters take this L, or should I? :(

Listen Up Philip (2014)

Sigh, I love Jason Schwartzman. He's like 4 centimeters tall and has the body shape of a pillow. His eyebrows take up 74% of his face. He is...perfect?? And like he totally plays the same character in everything? Wait, no, he's totally...diversified?? Like in Slackers he played some creepy loser with a little locked room and I saw him in this movie about drug addicts where...he played a drug addict. Except he was still just doing what he usually does?? In both those roles??? And all other roles also?? But what he usually does works, so thanks!!! Thanks!!!

Here in Listen Up Philip, Schwartzenegger (ug h) plays a dick. Pretty sure J-Schwartz plays a dick in everything? But like on a variant scale. Like black on one side and white on the other and then a million shades of grey in the middle okay cool good like analogy ugh. So in Bored to Death, J-Schwartz is leaning more towards the white side on the scale (shade?). And in Rushmore he leans more black, right? Wait why do I think his character in Bored to Death is less worse than his character in Rushmore? That dude in Rushmore was a kid and J-Schwartz's character in Bored to Death was a grown human adult male playing detective for a living like that's just some shit you do. Anyway! Philip Lewis Friedman is definitely leaning black on this scale of dick. He is like way over there. But not as over there as he could be??? I mean, not as over there as I'd like him to be that's what I meant. 

Philip is a novelist. So like automatically a dick by default. It's tough to scale down from that you know? It's like okay you're a novelist, so you're punted so fast up that dick scale and then it's like...we've barely scratched the surface and bet that once that surface is scratched, only more dickish things will be revealed, for instance that you eat the non-honey nut Cheerios, or you're the type of person who doesn't flush in public restrooms. WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? Philip, probably. Philip is probably one of those people? Like, he'd specifically take a huge clotty dump in the bathroom at the mall and not flush on purpose and just walk out without washing his hands because he is a dick, and that's just what dicks do. He's the human embodiment of a piece of shit. Actually, a public restroom toilet bowl full of pieces of shit. And you just know Philip can't even make proper dumps, they're just little rabbit balls. Anyway, I'm projecting. And anyway I was just trying to say that it's super-hard to not be a huge dick when you start out as a ~*~writer~*~. It's like you never had a chance. Like kids born into sewers, or Florida. 

So Philly is a book writer and idk I think his second novel is coming out? So that's nice. Wait I forgot so many things about what happened in this movie because I literally watched it a month ago and my lazy ass is only now just getting around to writing about it. Who told me to write about it? NO ONE. But I have this thing where I have to write about everything I watch which, sigh, is so hard because I watch so much unwatchable shit first of all and it's like--Actually, the unwatchable shit is the easiest to write about. Shit like Listen Up Philip, mediocre-y sort of interesting indie films, are usually the hardest. Because I like them usually, in a sort of "mas o menos" sort of way? But it's like, how do you write about something you mostly sort of okayishly liked and it was alright and had some good moments?? It's just...sigh, so much easier to write about ridiculous shit like Hider in the House. I mean, I prefer to write about mess like that. Listen Up Philip was like, too non-ridiculous enough for me. Why couldn't Philip have been way worse? Like he was a douche but it's not like he kicked any babies into an incinerator, you know? That would be a really great ~~movie moment~~. Anyway, I'm ruined. Why isn't every movie Mommie Dearest? Sigh, life is hard as hell. At least I'm not the actress who played either child or adult Christina in Mommie Dearest. Both those hoes were looking rough. Anyway, here are a few screencaps I took. There are only like five? Sigh, you can tell a movie is not pleasing me in the horrifying ways I wish to be pleased when I only take five screenshots smh

I love Elisabeth Moss and she was really cute here as usual and bringing the acting chops also as usual. She played Philip's way too good for him girlfriend, Ashley. I actually liked that the movie focused on her so extensively, I thought? Right like she had a lot of screentime after Philip left her and she was trying to put herself back together and get over him? She's great. But anyway I took this s/c because of the cat. That cat was lowkey the best thing about this movie? I mean, cats usually are. I hate cats tho, I think. In movies they're cool but whenever I see them outside in real life they're always staring like they have some sort of eye problem and I just want to know do these hoes need a recommendation for the nearest optometrist OR WHAT?!

This was funny. Had a good...had a nice, hearty chuckle.

omg I laughed at this shit for a fucking ETERNITY. One of Philip's hype ass students like asked him for a recommendation or something, right? Idk bitch but he just straight up refused whatever this girl asked for it was so funny and rude and this is why I love me some J-Schwag. ...... ....... .... .. .

Why won't God take me? Lucifer? Sigh am I gonna be the type of person who has to live forever cause neither God nor Satan's bitch ass wants me to join their squad? Sigh, typical.