Love (2015)

Yikes, um. If you're going to make an unlikeable ass film like this, at least have the protagonist be played by someone who doesn't make the back of my eyeballs itch. Like, Murphy is awful, yeah? That's unanimously agreed upon by everyone who has seen or will see this movie. But I don't understand the point of casting Murphy with an actor seemingly even more unlikeable than the written character. I know literally zero factazoids about Karl Glusman, and I am not sure I have even seen him in any other movies. For all I know, he's the best! However, like, acting-wise? I wanted to kick him in the throat??? And like, you need to understand I am almost disturbingly lazy. To be dreaming of lifting my leg up even a millimeter off the ground to kick someone in the neck? You know it's serious, okay? I was hating this dude really bad. 

I love...terrible characters. Murphy is a huge loser and on top of that, dumb, and not even cute. He looks weird and is stupid. This is like every character in a French film, so I am expecting this watching one. And I guess I should be also expecting an unlikable actor to be playing a character like this, because that's de rigueur for French films. Does it make a difference that I think this Karl dude is American? Maybe that's what was off? Like a lot of times in French films when dude characters are terrible (which is ALL THE TIME), they at least have that nonchalant French Cool thing to make up for it a bit. But Karl is like awkward and embarrassing? Like a lot?? He just wasn't pulling off being a piece of shit. It was hard to watch, and not in a good way like how most French films? I was distraught.

Is this even a French film? Pretty sure, not one hundred, but pretty is base one hundred for someone too lazy to like...look it up. Anyway, I got what I deserved. 

So this movie is supposed to be some horrible love story, I guess? Concerning this horrible dude named Murphy, and some beautiful bitch named Electra who, even tho a junkie and like also stupid???, deserved WAY better than Murphy? Like Electra was mad pretty and she had a cool accent and those beautiful spaced out comb teeth looking like fucking Betty Blue or some shit - like, I was so annoyed she was attracted to Murphy lol. Outta all the sexy ass French dudes you choose some gawky American asshole? Bitch are you for real? Maybe it was the drugs idk...

The movie starts out with Murphy and his current broad/baby mama Omi jacking each other off. I thought they were going to be the main couple of the movie, then quickly found out that wasn't the case thank god because I wasn't feeling their vibe. Murphy has a baby with Omi and I guess they're booed up. The movie tells the story backwards and eventch we find out that Murphy hooked up with Omi off a threesome he had with her and his former girl, Electra. Could've explained that better, but honestly what we really need to be talking about is how Omi was like sixteen???????????????????????????????????????? Since when are we doing threesomes with sixteen year olds??? Like you think because she has bangs it's okay? Ummmmmmmm nooooooooooooo?????? And like I wanna feel bad for Electra, I guess, for Murphy cheating on her with Omi and getting her pregnant, but flashbacks or whatever reveal Murph was always stepping out, which she knew about, and also she consented to the threesome with the sixteen year old and didn't find anything weird or wrong with it????? So like I don't care??? 

I don't know, this movie made me tired and I didn't, like, care about the shitty ~romance~. The director put some words in Murphy's mouth which I assumed were his own feelings, that said to me he thought he was doing some real new shit with this film. What with what I believe was non-simulated sex scenes, and how ~intimate~ they were. Murphy is supposed to be some ugly film student and he says to a girl in the film how he wants to create movies about sex and love and sex and love together or some such bs, and then also says to Electra how he wants his movies to be made of blood, cum and shit or something?? Because that's what ~~life~~ is or some idiotic pretentious shit. Like how many goddamn French films are just loaded with sex scenes and then book-ended with random scenes where characters have bare, non revealing in any way conversations about existential malaise and how they're so different and want to do things such and such a way because they are so ~out there~ and misunderstood and then someone whips their dick out and there's twenty minutes of that and then they go back to talking about how they want to die, but not like ~everyone else~, and then someone smokes a cigarette and then someone else takes their titty out and then a secondary character kills themselves and the main ones make it about how their romance is the most ultimate romance, and then always there's a threesome, and always there's some skinny bitch popping her pubic bone up on something and there's a bitch in a sundress with no bra on, and then someone drinks coffee out of what looks like a soup bowl, and then someone else drinks water out of what looks like an old timey milk bottle, but there's not milk in it, there's water. And sometimes it's okay because like Juliette Binoche is in it, or Xavier Dolan made it funny, but Love didn't have either of those things going on, so, it was a whomp for me. 

But nice try? #positivevibes2k17 #itwasweirdhoweveryoneelsediedin2k16butnotmelol:(

Fences (2016)

This film was extremely overwrought. But it's a play, I believe, right? Honestly I have no idea and am too lazy to find out, but the way the movie was filmed and how everything played out on like one stage, made it seem like it was written as a play. I love movies that are made from plays because I never get to see real life plays due to being poor and lazy and not feeling like it. Movies are cheaper and more accessible to me, so I like when they give me a little taste of Broadway every now and then. Or, well, off-Broadway, or adjacent-Broadway, because I'm not with that Les Miz, Hamilton bs. But stuff like Fences is definitely up my alley. 

Emphasis on stuff like Fences, because lowkey this movie was a mess?? lol, no, but yes. You know what was TRULY a mess? Denzel. Uncle Denzel. #actingbae. I remember I used to have this internet friend I'd talk about movies with and we were getting on the must discuss topic of Mr. Washington and she said how she didn't like him, how she thought he was over the top. I remembered thinking she prob didn't like him because she was racist (and from Pennsylvania), but I lowkey agreed he be doing The Most. I think I likened him to a black Nic Cage. But, okay, WAS I WRONG? 

I'm sorry for throwing acting bae under the bus a little to appease my boring internet friend who was like super into Simon Pegg movies (smh), but like it was completely on-point. I realllly love Denzel and watch any of the mess he be in, but he is just...so extra. And this was the Most Extra I have ever seen him and I both hated it and thought it was amazing and brilliant. 

I can't tell if I thought Denzel was...like bad, or really good, because his character was doing the motherfucking absolute most from the very start of the film and I was so exhausted and OVER IT right away immediately. Denzie plays some over the top ass never shut the fuck up head ass negro named Troy. He mad boisterous and all bravado, but also a traditionalist, I guess you could call it, and one of them niggas who think they really doing something by fulfilling their obligations. Just barely, but give these niggas a medal. Then of course there's some horrible backstory to it all they're mad nonchalant about like they haven't been suffering from post traumatic stress disorder their entire fucking lives that no amount of therapy in this late stage could even begin to chip away at, and it was just all hitting a little too close to home. I think a big part of me was hating Troy, and Denzel's performance, because it was so accurate and I know dudes exactly like Troy and I was just dying inside. Denzel was still playing to the cheap seats though lol can I get a subtle second, like, just one, baby. Lol no maybe I got one or two but I honestly can't even remember. Maybe Denzel's final shot with him swinging the baseball bat. Or maybe him with the baby on the stairs...maybe that. But barely that, OKAY?! 

Viola plays Troy's wife Rose, and of course she was amazing. Viola is definitely better at acting than Denzel, let's just get that out of the way right now. She can do over the top and make it look like nothing is even happening, if that makes sense, which I'm sure it does not :') But like she had moments in the film--not as many as Denzel, but moments still--where I could tell the direction was like "Just be Extra", and she was, but she made it look poetic, like art. Viola's just amazing and I'm glad she was chosen for the part, because probably anyone else would've shown this schlocky ham-fisted mess for what it is. Viola in it and I'm sitting here thinking this some prestige ass shit. So good casting choice there. I've barely seen any of the other award movies of the year, but give Viola Davis all of the awards. Best actor, actress, supporting, cinematography, direction, fucking...sound mixing, whatever bitch, give it to her. Don't fuck around, it's not a game anymore!!! 

I'm pissed Rose outchea marrying ex-cons--EX CONS FOR MURDER, BTW--, thinking she getting the opposite of an aint-shit nigga. Lol, girlfriend. Troy cheating on you and having an outside baby was prob the least his crazy ass could do. But she wanna act all shocked, talking bout eighteen years. Yeah, eighteen years of bs, smh. Her refusal to pop awf on Troy was truly bothering me. But I guess Rose is a ~good woman~. Idk what sort of good woman choses a murderer to be the father of her child, but anyway lemme stop going in on bae lol. We alllll make mistakes. And shoot if I met Yung Denzel and he was swanging baseballs and shit I'd snap his murdery ass up too, so lemme stop judging her. 

Can we talk about...why Mykelti Williamson is always playing someone, to be politically correct, retarded????? I'm tired of this fool. How is playing slow in the head your niche in the industry, like you honestly have to be joking. Lol I mean he was good, but cum on. You know what's the worst thing I've ever seen Mykelti do? He played a magical negro homeless man on Nashville. Please...please give him an Oscar. Just for that. Or at least...at least a sense of purpose. How are you a more embarrassing actor than that nigga who played Professor Oglevee?? Well maybe not more embarrassing because 1. I have no idea what that dude's name is, and 2. I saw him in a KFC commercial once and I'm not sure he had any lines. Anyway, Popeye's would be a good look for you, Mykeltz. 

Delete my blog, and this movie. Like it was good, but bad also. After the movie ended, people in my theater audience clapped. And I can definitely tell you that Mykelti was a crowd favorite lol. There was also a lot of, what I personally felt, unnecessary laughter. There were definitely some chuckle moments, mostly from Mykelti imo, but there was a lot of laughing at Denzel's character. I honestly was horrified by Troy, so I don't see what was funny. I was so glad when it turned out his character was having an affair and everything started to crumble down around him. That sounds weird to say but I thought this movie was gonna go a more OUR BLACK KANGS ARE SUFFERING AND WE NEED TO SUPPORT & UPLIFT THEM route. But this was written by a white person, though, I think? August Wilson. That name could go either way, idk. But I'm just glad Troy was humbled, and even gladder when he died lol, just keeping it real. He deserved to die. Anyway, can't wait to see hopefully Viola snatch up some awards this season, and also hopefully Denzel so he can give an uncomfortable, condescending, veneers-shouty acceptance speech. This is my dream, my nightmare.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)

Yikes. Why the fuck... Am I honestly sitting up here and watching these Star Wars movies?? I don't know who's reading, likely no one hopefully, but if someone is reading this, please understand about me that Stars Wars is like, literally the least shit I could care about, besides, like, baseball. Baseball is like the most dull, useless shit I have ever seent. At least Star Wars has lasers and shit. S p a c e. Space can be cool. If they played baseball in space, then maybe I'd give that dry shit a glance. But prob not because why am I watching niggas hit a ball in space? Find the aliens!!! Now. If you can get aliens cracking bats in space? Then. Then you have me.  

So I give so little of a fucking shit about Star Wars. I've completely ignored the other movies with Harrison Ford and them from the seventies, and then the early-aughts movies with fucking Hayden Christensen for some reason. I only started getting into Star Wars more recently because they put a black dude as the lead (Baeyega), and I was like hmmm. Which I regret, because I was literally soooooo bored by that film. And I had literally no plans to see Rogue and I am not quite sure why I did. I think I saw some cute interview clips of Riz Ahmed and was like Bet. Which, why??? Why am I like this? This movie was literally SO BORING! Wtf.

I don't care all about what was going on, and was falling asleep half the time anyway, so I'm not going to even attempt to discuss the plot, that of which I'm sure barely existed. But excuse me, this movie was full of actors I love. Go Diego Luna, fucking Ben Mendelsohn's lispin ass, fucking...Mads' burn victim looking ass, Alan Tudyk (idk), annnnd Riz. lol not even that many. Def not enough to justify watching this in theaters instead of tearing my eyeballs out and feeding them to an owl. But whatever, I liked seeing them. It annoys me, tho, that movies like this tend to snatch up all these little good, interesting actors and do literally jack shit with them, but okay. 

The only people I felt had something to play with were Donnie Yen and his blind man sage dude, and Alan Tudyk completely stealing the show as that CLEARLY GAY robot dude, or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, but like not asexual, gay. These performances stood out and made me stop falling asleep for a few secs. Riz was giving me a little something with his fidgety kind of nervvy pilot, and Forest was giving me Battlefield Earth teas I guess, doing his mess, but overall this movie was shit and so, sigh, I guess I'll be seeing the next one. When is it? It better be soon and BETTER have my myspace emo queen Kylo in it or I'm popping. the. fuck. awf! (Do I secretly like these movies wtf is going on honestly). 

Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)

Excuse me. Is this the movie Kristen Stewart won a French Oscar for? So they just don't give a fuck, I guess. I mean, it's not like they do over here, either, but they aint never nominate this bitch for no award. Maybe a razzie. Are the Césars actually French Razzies and something got lost in translation?? I don't even know if this is the movie she won for, so lemme stop talking shit. However, Kristen Stewart winning any award for acting, no matter where and for what movie, is a crime. Arrest France, they deserve it for being known around the world for acting pretentious about being musty. I love being musty just as much as the next bîtch, but to be pretentious about it? Halt.

 

Anyway, Kristen Stewart makes me uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Once, I read someone compare her to James Dean. Stop. James could work with his weirdness and used his body to command the screen, Kristen does not believe in herself and is dead behind the eyes. The only role I've seen her in where she pulled off her...eccentricities, was as Joan Jett in The Runaways. If only she could just play that role forever, then we'd be straight. But alas!! 

It was a relief when she disappeared from the movie and I could breathe with my bae Juliette Binoche. Someone who can actually act and doesn't make my eyeballs cringe and itch when she is performing. Shit even Chloë showed Kristen up, even Johnny Mars' awkward-looking ass, like honestly I was tired.

Wait, lemme try to discuss what this movie was about and stop going in on Hollywood's favorite lesbian, Jodie Foster's son. I just...I was just so annoyed. Okay so this mess is about some bitch named Maria Enders which I just realized. I'm like, why this movie called Clouds of Sils Maria? Still don't know, but have discovered Juliette's character was named Maria. smh

 

So whatever, Maria Enders is some famous actress. I suppose foreign. So she does classy prestige pics and then I guess shitty Hollywood blockbusters playing the villain. Also middle of the road, sort of actiony drama films with Harrison Ford?? The movie opens with her on a train going to give some speech to honor the dude who gave her her first big break and also I think it was her first part. She played some bitch named Sigrid in some movie or play or some shit called Maloja Snake. I couldn't figure out if it was a play or a movie. I guess a play? But it seemed like a movie? Or did she play on stage and then in the film? Probably that.   

So anyway while on the train, Maria gets news the director and writer she's going to honor, Wilhelm Whatever, has died. Fast-forward to some youngish Nazi director dude approaching Maria to play Sigrid twenty years later (side-eye). Maria says she's not interested at first for whatever bullshit reason, then the dude explains she'd be playing the character Helena, the older woman Sigrid seduces, which is implied is basically Sigrid twenty years later. Maria says she doesn't want to do it because the actress who originally played Helena died in a car accident or something and she conflates that woman's death with Helena's suicide or whatever shit, it's obvious she just has an issue playing an older version of the youthful character that made her famous.

Maria accepts the role obviously, but the whole movie she takes issue with the Helena character. Talking about how weak and pathetic she is. Kstew, playing Maria's assistant Valentine (side...eye), is always off to the side offering counterpoints to Maria's opinions. She sees most things different from Maria. Like Maria is very against the schlocky, sort of corny films famous young actress Jo-Ann Ellis, played by Chloë Grace Moretz, does. Like her shitty alien movie with the party city wigs. Valentine is talking all this mess about how yeah the movie might be trash, but Jo-Ann goes so deep in her character. It was like Kstew was talking about herself in Twilight, and I felt embarrassed all over again. 

Valentine also sees Helena differently. Something about how there's strength in weakness and being vulnerable, and maybe she mentioned how cold and cruel characters like Sigrid shouldn't be praised or something. I remember agreeing, primarily, with her assessment concerning Helena. I don't like Doing the Most ass characters like Sigrid just destroying shit to be destroying shit, but I also get where Maria is coming from concerning her disdain for Helena, because who wants to see some old bitch groveling after an obnoxious young thot? It's the type of theme that makes me uncomfortable anytime I watch a Joan Crawford movie. Like youth and beauty are the currency and if you're over thirty, bitch move. Go outside and die. 

But you know, this Maloja Snake play sounds like motherfucking ASS and TRASH. Sounds like straight garbage and dookie crumbs if you ask me. Sounds like some typical trite misogynistic bs. Not sure if it was supposed to come across as that? Probably but idk. Wilhelm was probably some old boring white dude writing about typical old boring white dude things. Definitely looking at the whole of the movie, how they lampooned several creative industry tropes, I am thinking they were also attacking these old pretentious white dudes and their ~famous works~. Hopefully they were dragging them, because the readings Maria and Valentine were doing looked...just awful. 

Don't get me wrong, good acting from #actingbae Binoche. Oh, and Kristen Stewart was there. But anyway, good acting from Binoche. It made me actually wanna see the play (which I thought was gonna be a movie eventho they kept mentioning rehearsals??? But movies do rehearsals, non??). 

Okay so let's get down to brass tax (is that the saying? probably not wtf is a brass tax), who was who? Was Maria Helena, or still Sigrid? Sigrid, ~twenty years later~~? Because Valentine was the one who "disappeared" on the hike. WHICH, BTW, WHERE THE FUCK THAT BITCH GO?? Maria aint report her missing? Lol how they just gon gloss over that, BUT OKAY. Was Valentine Helena? It definitely seemed to be a role reversal with Maria and Valentine, but I don't get what the movie is trying to say with it? I guess they said Maloja Snake was about how the two women were drawn to each other because they shared the same wound? Was that the same with Maria and Valentine? But what was the shared wound? Idk.......like I can't tell if I'm dumb, or the movie isn't good enough. A bit of both, I suppose. 

Okay but what was going on with the Jo-Ann Ellis character? With all her drama snd the paparazzi nonsense, and then her being a bitch to Maria at the end when she gave her an acting note? I couldn't read where they were going with Jo-Ann's character. Was she younger Maria?? Do I care????? No!! 

 

Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story (2004)

Lol okay. LET'S START WITH THE FACT THAT what set Connie off to single white female identity theft boring ass Michelle Brown, was some ugly ass skirt. Michelle Brown walks into the realtor's office or whatever that Connie works in, to get her loan papers or some shit for the house she bought and Connie is eyeballing this bitch like she Naomi Campbell or Charlize Theron or some shit. Except she's not? She's Kimberly Williams-Paisley?????? WHICH. No shade, Kimberly is a cute woman, but like...........who is looking at her like I WANT TO BE HER? Connie's basic, ratchet ass, that's who.  

So this movie is about a ghetto, greasy woman named Connie Volkos who steals the identity of a nice, hard-working teacher named Michelle Brown. Oh, and one of the London brothers is here. It's not Brendan Fraser, so it doesn't matter. Even if it was it still wouldn't matter, but we're getting off topic. Tbh, that's prob for the best, but I guess I came here to talk about Identity Theft: The Michelle Brown Story, so should prob follow thru. :/ 

My impression of ~identity theft~ was that it was...someone steals your social security number or whatever and takes a bunch of credit cards and shit out in your name. This movie makes it like someone sees your life and envies it, so decides to take it over, kind of?? Or like, copy everything you do?? Using credit in your name??? I thought it was weird that...Connie didn't just steal Michelle's shit and go. She was tryna be Michelle and it was weird. Bitch, just scam and keep it moving. She getting plastic surgery and shit to get Michelle's basic ass legs, like bitch whër? And then was kinda lowkey highkey stalking Michelle on top uh the shit???? Like what part of the game is this???? What a weirdo lol. 

I actually kind of liked this movie lol. Ummm it's not good or anything, I think it's some Lifetime thing, but it was enjoyable to me. I thought Annabella Sciorra was really good as Connie. Also, was she wearing a fat suit? Like I don't want to accidentally shade her body, but it looked like maybe? Which I thought was funny and like just added to her shitty character. I just loved Connie's whole shitty, trash aesthetic. But still she was kind of sympathetic? Well, honestly, not towards the end of the movie, but a bit before it started to get all ultra-crimey and ridick with drug running and suicide attempts in a seedy motel and all that extra ish. 

I also felt, of course, a lot of sympathy for Michelle. Like I was really worried about her house lol. Her Dream Home. I kept wondering if her boo would hook her up if she lost the house lol like I really wanted to know if Jason London would have her back. I don't think she ended up losing the house tho, right? She def missed some payments I think, not sure. But I think I would've remembered if they mentioned foreclosure. 

YOU KNOW WHAT PISSED ME OFF THO??? That bitch in HR or whatever at Michelle's school who like lost or didn't hand in Michelle's direct deposit form when she had to close her bank account and get a new one. I WAS PISSED! I knew that loopy broad was gonna forget! Really, everything was all that bitch's fault. How is the movie just gon' gloss over her as the real villain lol I'm heated. 

Wait but can we talk about the cop? Why did I feel he was shady????? Remember how kind of dismissive he was of Michelle? And then REMEMBER WHEN HE CALLED CONNIE?? I thought he was tryna conspire with her or something? Was it weird editing or acting? lol cuz it never panned out he was sketch. BUT LIKE REMEMBER WHEN MICHELLE GOT ARRESTED AND HE SHOWED UP AND IT LOOKED LIKE HE HAD DONE SOMETHING SHADY TO GET HER TO STAY IN PRISON BUT IT TURNED OUT HE CAME TO FREE HER??????????? Why did the movie allow that? Like allow it to look like that? W e i r d. Like there was literally no reason for red herrings or anything lol or like a plot twist but it's not actually one? Very bizarre. But anyway, what do you think Brad and Kimberly be talking about? Like what's their pillow talk?? I am desperate to know, and this makes me feel sad and tired. G'day. 

Claudine (1974)

This is one of my favorite movies. Very black, but in the seventies, which is aesthetic, but not blaxploitation. Or wait, is it? Well probably most black movies are blaxploitation. We're not there yet in terms of having movies with black people in it without exploiting them, and we sure weren't there in 1974 when Claudine dropped. But at least there aren't any pimps in this movie, or Antonio Fargas. Don't get me wrong, I'm into that Black Power porn parody mess, but I prefer a movie like Claudine, that kitchen sinky sort of slice of life shit. It's easier to stomach, and less shitty lol. 

So yeah this is a bit blaxploity. Because Claudine is like a welfare mommy. But I feel the exploitative nature is kind of...mmmm diluted by Diahann? Really, the whole cast, who is sooo good. But especially Diahann, who is classy as shit. I don't know Diahann like that, she could be a ratchet mess, but she comes across as very with class, and I live for a classy broad. Especially a classy black broad. It's just...my ultimate aesthetic. It's my favorite thing. Boùgie, if you will. I mean, real bougie. Not some fake, I have thirteen Coach bags and some earrings not from Tiffany in a Tiffany box bougie. Real, I sleep on cotton sheets with such a high thread count they feel like silk but they aren't silk because silk is tacky which I know because I have class, and which you don't know, because you are trash bougie. That kind. Love it.

So I live for this classy broad playing, I guess, trash. Well, not really. But welfare moms are perceived as trash, I think, by the majority. And then also I know it's problematic of me to be like I LOVE THIS CLASSY RICH WOMAN PLAYING THIS POOR, GARBAGE WOMAN. As if an actual welfare mother would ever have the chance to star in a fucking movie that depicted her actual life, but I digress. 

Diahann really makes Claudine sympathetic, and beautiful and rude and warm and charismatic. It's not some one-note gutterbutt mess where she's just bitching about being poor and black. It's a very well-rounded performance with some added White Diamonds panache which I feel is needed for this kind of stereotypical role. To kind of...change the image of the welfare mom. Though I think some people will argue how we need to not care about trying to make stereotypes about black people look softer or better or more palatable or whatever. But I disagree because a lot of stereotypes are ugly and I don't like ugly. I like pretty, and making things nicer. Though I do like some rough ass, Mo'Nique in Precious type of shit from time to time, I prefer the Claudines. 

How am I feeling about the lightskint garbageman lover boy played by James Earl Jones? This is the first movie I saw where...James wasn't like old. Or doing the voice of Mufasa. The first time I watched this I was like...okay James can maybe get it? I mean, no. But maybe?? :/

I like that Roop is just some regular nigga. He kind of has stereotypical ideas. I feel it would've been real easy to slide a coon up into the slot of the male love interest, or a hotep, which is pretty much the same shit. But Roop is just some nigga who slings garbage tryna make a living, who needs him the love of a good woman lol. It's completely problematic that he doesn't see his kids, but that's real. At least while he's there with Claudine he's kind of looking out for hers? Let's ignore his like ex-wifeys or whatever who are like UMMMMM?? They're off-screen so it doesn't matter :/

Roop is mad problematic tho because he just dipped?? Lol um let's ignore that, because honestly this whole movie is problematic. Like Claudine tearing her daughter's ass up because she found out she was pregnant? Um, well, no offense Claudine, but if you were watching your kids maybe they wouldn't have their loose asses all out in these streetz like that? Like no shade, but you deserve to be beat for being a hypocrite? Like how many kids do you have? What are you - 36 or some shit in the movie with an eighteen year old?? *sips tea* 

But again, real.

Let's talk about Claudine's zesty, black panther son, Charles. Doing the most the whole movie. You know what? I wish this shit was a TV show. Not now lol. They would completely destroy this shit trying too hard. Let fucking Lee Daniels' wannabe house nigga ass develop it or some shit, No. NO. NO. But I wish this had been done as a series back in the seventies. A lot of shows about black family life I see from the seventies, look...like something I don't want to see lol. Just, no. Like Good Times? Hell...hell no lol. Just no. But if Claudine had been a series I'dda lapped that shit up. This some good shit you could really stretch out. But at least it exists in movie form, which is great, so watch it. 

The Staircase (2004)

Okay, first things first: how cum that judge looked like Gucci Mane? 

Okay with that out of the way, now we can get into the meat of the stew. That's not a saying but now it is. You know what else is something? Michael Peterson being a murderer. A white dude being a murderer hasn't been so obvious since Robert Durst and his sweater wearing emaciated peanut shell for a human body was hiccup-vomiting in that bathroom while his mic was on, clearly confessing to committing wayyy more murders implied on The Jinx. Girl, it was so obvious Robert was a murderer I almost started to second guess it. It started to seem like too obvious. But that's what they want you to think. Who's they? Idk. Like, who is protecting Robert Durst. He's not even likable. I mean, he is. But not like to anyone normal. He's like "funny", but you could never leave your food plate unattended around him, you know? Bobby D is a dude you chill with at Dave & Buster's or some shit, but you don't take him into your house and let him go in your bathroom. Your potpourri is in there. 

I would never chill with Michael Peterson because he's a bitch. What is his deal with bitches and stairs? You know why I sort of like Robert Durst eventho he is evil incarnate? He's like...a curmudgeon. He's mad socially uncomfortable and clearly hates everything, including paying for sandwiches eventho he is rich. Relatable. There's something about how Michael Peterson tried to come across as a ~normal~ good dude that rubs me the wrong way. I don't like fake people lol. If you a murdering bitch, be a murdering bitch. Own that shit. Yeah, Bobby D lied about killing bitches, but he lowkey openly advertised it on his grey skin and face. By wearing those sweaters, and talking and looking like that. I feel like he was lying just to be doing some shit. But Michael Peterson out here really tryna convince people he aint kill these women. Lol. 

HOWWWWWWWWWWW do two bitches you know personally die the EXACT same way, and you have nothing to do with anything? Yo if that's a coincidence, wow that sucks, but lol no. Literally the exact same way. And you know what was crazy? The daughters of that woman from Germany he killed defending their "dad". Those white girls were lost af. I feel a modicum of sympathy because if they lose Michael, they have nothing. Also I can understand not wanting to believe someone you see as a father doing such horrible things, BUT COME ON NOW. Those girls going to bat for him so much was starting to get on my nerves, especially since it seemed like the other people around Michael started to lowkey think he was guilty lol. I could tell in his brother's eyes he was like...boy...u did this shit, stop playing. I couldn't read the sons, sometimes I thought they def thought their dad was guilty, but then other times I thot they were dead-inside sociopaths? But maybe they were that but also thot their dad was guilty but didn't care because he helped them with their credit card debt or whatever lol smh

I truly thought when they went to Germany to talk to Michael's ex-wife, that she would spill the tea. But instead they show up and not only is this bitch defending him, but she's giving me even more of the creeps than Michael. This bitch was wëïrd, and I started to see how her witch ass managed to escape "falling" down a flight of stairs to her demise. If I wanted to be extra and all conspiracy-theorist, I would think it was her ass behind alladis. She is a witch. Witches exist and she is one.

But why did Michael kill the friend? Did she find out Mike was smashing his homey/her husb and she didn't like it? But he was already dead? Maybe she threatened to tell Mike's wife about it? About Michael and his "gym trips"?? Idk. I'm annoyed I don't know the motive behind his actions. There's definitely a motive. Obviously the easy route to go, at least with wifey, is that she was getting in the way of his ulterior life. It was mentioned she was pretty feisty, so maybe she went buck on him? Idk, but can we talk about that fireplace poker ~mysteriously~ turning up. 

Who "found" it? The son, right? Something weird is going on there. But since they found nothing on the poker, I don't have too many guesses, besides them drudging it up thinking if it makes an appearance and doesn't have any evidence on it, that would exonerate Michael. But why wouldn't it ~make an appearance~ earlier? Idk. But that was obviously an intentional thing. It didn't help, anyway, too bad so sad.

I need to see The Staircase 2. Does he maintain his innocence? All you have to do is look at the photos of the crime scene to know that's not some bitch who "fell" down the motherfucking stairs. This nigga is INSANE. He is just...nuts. Lol like!!!!!!!! Talking bout she fell, looking like this bitch been kicked in the back of the head with a cannonball. What sort of fall is that??!?! And they were truly reaching trying to explain how that blood got all over the place or how she had all those fucking injuries on her skull. There's def some suss shit that could work in defense of Mike, like how she had no bruising on her brain, or the lack of a weapon, but those things are pretty minor imo because the claim of her having fallen down the stairs is just so obviously not the case. Regardless of forensics not finding a viable explanation for how exactly she ended up 

like that, it certainly wasn't a slip down some steps. And it's just so white male of Michael to think he was gonna get away with that. Iconic, truly.

Is The Staircase 2 good? Does he admit? I wanna watch it but I feel it'll be some unsatisfying mess. I have to tho to see if his kids flipped sides. They probably creepier than ever, lemme go see that mess.