Tag (2018)

A genuinely unlikable film, Tag (2018) stars the non-hot actor who plays actual-hot Don Draper Jon Hamm, Napoleon Dynamite's grandma, Nick from horrendous New Girl, and my bae for no reason, who looks like a cousin of Hey Arnold's from, like, Detroit, Hannibal Buress.

Oh, lmao, and Ed Helms. I completely forgot about him. Does any1 else irrationally hate Ed Helms? Lol. I just do. Like, he blew up from The Hangover, but why? He is not even remotely amusing. He is occasionally on The Office, but only in like a...his character is disturbing and makes me uncomfortable sort of way. Like, he was never as funny as Charles. Not even close.

Oh, also there are some women who are totally irrelevant. Isla Fisher, Rashida Jones, Annabelle Wallis and Leslie Bibb basically play the "baes". Eventho Annabelle Wallis is meant to be a serious reporter, who, for some reason, thinks there is a ~story~ in the fact that Jon Hamm and his douchey piece of shit friends, at their big ass ages, still play tag.

Yes.

This reporter, whom I think they state is like a legit one for like The New York Times or some shit? For real, she meets with Jon Hamm's character who is like some big success or whatever. She's interviewing him and then it's revealed that he and his grown ass friends have been playing a continuous game of tag since they were in middle school or some shit.

For some reason this respectable reporter thinks this is interesting and wants to write about it.

Right.

Maybe I misunderstood and this reporter wasn't actually respectable because wtf, and no.

So in the film, Jeremy Renner's character is like the beast tag guy or whatever. How does tag work again? Oh right you have the tag and then you touch someone and they get it? This is so dumb and these dudes are like fifty.

But Jeremy Renner's character I guess hasn't been tagged since forever. He's the ~champ~.

????

So he's getting married to Leslie Bib. Jon Hamm and them decide to get Jeremy at his wedding cuz he'll be vulnerable I guess idk wtf.

At various points between the premise of the film being established to it being over the following things occur:

-Grown men play tag and this is the whole movie
-Ball cancer or something
-Nick whatever and Jon Hamm vie for Rashida Jones' attention to fill time I guess
-Isla Fisher gets super into the game but is unable to make me forget she's married to Borat and has kids with him
-Some other shit
-A fake miscarriage!
-Hollywood continues to have zero idea wtf to do with Hannibal Buress
-They try to do something deep about their guy friendship. Like Jeremy Renner's character doesn't feel as close to the others because he's the ugliest or something, and Ed helms character has ball cancer I think and is prob gonna die hopefully
-I don't know. Someone gets tagged. Did they,...oh god I'm remembering the end...it was bad, man. Like, legit every1 was just running around the hospital tagging each other after some embarrassing emotional scene where Ed Helms reveals he bout to die
-This movie is, inexplicably, based on a true story. A bunch of old white dudes who've been tagging each other since Civil War Times. There is NO black person in their group smh

This was bad movie. I am not even against the premise. It's a dumb comedy film. I'm not pretentious about comedy by any means. I like prob half of Adam Sandler's pile of junk with mostly no shame. I love Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I still watch Family Guy. And one time I laughed at Cleveland Show. Okay? But this was just...dry. Tired. Tedious. A comedy film shouldn't be like, draining. And if it is draining, at least be interesting. It was dull and DOA. What a strange, meandering film that kept me captivated at zero moments.

What made it worse, for me, was that right before this I had watched Game Night. Which I really loved and Jesse Plemons should have been nominated for an Oscar!! To go from really loving one movie with an equally dumb premise to go to this idk it just made it worse. I also was thinking I'd like Tag because a lot of the people involved have been in things that were funny to me before. The only person involved who turned me off was Ed Helms. But really, I should have really thought about this. What about this random mixture of people and ideas did I think would work? Idk. I mostly have liked all the people before so foolishly thought this would be fine. Everything would be fine and it'd work. Why? Hollywood should be punished for these mistakes. We as the audience are tortured and nothing happens to our torturers. They just keep on torturing. No one has made enough of a stink about how bad this film is. No one has paid. Only me, and everyone else who has seen it. Don't pretend you liked Tag. Stop. It's Stockholm Syndrome. Or you don't want to admit you were PLAYED FOR A FOOL. These people need to be held accountable! Hold them accountable!! Stop the madness!!

The Mountain Betwixt Us (2017)

I really thought I was going to hate this. Not because I had read any reviews. I am only just now seeing it has a 39% Rotten Tomatoes score lmao. But critics don't matter. They hate all kinds of shit that is great. Didn't critics hate Mommie Dearest? It's literally the greatest film that has ever existed. They know naught.

But I def judged this movie hella hard pre-watch. The first time I saw a trailer I started laughing. It just looked instantly hilarious. However, this is not, like, a Farrelly Brothers film. They were clearly going for drama and romance or something. Should I be cracking up instantly at the sight of Idris Elba in the most GQ of winter gear pretending he wants to save Kate Winslet's life?

Absolutely.

Casting directors and assorted Hollywood People are comically out of touch. Like, who is asking for an Idris Elba and K8 Winslet pair-up? Literally no one lmao. Like, zero humans. Not even dogs or porpoises want this.

So right away I think this movie will be horrific before even seeing it.

After actually having finally watched it...I still mostly feel the same way lol. Though, I did think it'd be harder to watch and more gut-busting than it actually turned out to be. This movie was pretty much medium. K8 and Dj Driz have average to below average chemistry. The surviving-the-elements aspect of the film is sometimes interesting. I love mountain shit and snow and tingz. This could've been much worse. But why every movie do I have absolutely negative a thousand expectations? Sad, and alarming!

:')

So the movie starts super-interestingly at an airport. Kate Winslet is trying to go to Colorado, I think? And so is Idris. Something's the matter. I think the flight was overbooked or already took off? Idk. It was so boring. Two characters trying to catch a plane is non-interesting because we don't know them yet to care. They DID provide us with a bit of information concerning where Idris had to go. He was on his way to do surgery on a TEN YEAR OLD BOY! Did you catch that? So, it's imperative Insert Airline get Idris on a plane, so he can crack into some kid's skull and save his life!!

Not totally sure what Insert Airline is meant to do about the kid Idris is doing surgery on. A booked plane is a booked plane, no?

Yes.

So neither Dj Driz or Kate are able to make their flight possibly to Denver.

Kate, white, was being nosy and overheard Idris' dealings with the airline concierge front desk person or whatever.

She understands she and him have the same ~problem~.

But she has an IDEA!!

What's Kate's crafty life-hack??

Well, they'll charter a private plane. Or...a...idk what the name is. It's some small plane. Idk things. But Kate takes them to this plane area with a tiny plane that Jeff Bridges' dad or brother or whatever drives. I was either not paying attention or the movie was boring and annoying or both but it wasn't clear to me how Kate knew Beau Bridges nor this ~alternative~ way for her and Stranger Surgeon Man to get to their destination.

But alas, they board.

It was so funny in the plane. I forget everything I thought was funny. But one was that Kate was being really annoying asking Idris mad questions. So there was a bit of back and forth. Nothing extreme. They're being relatively cordial and polite strangers or whatever, but you know from the trailers they're meant to do a romance later so they were doing some Cary Grant and Female Co-Star little thing I guess. Except if it was Cary it would be more charming or something? Idris's character was wooden and DOA. Though it's not a critique of his acting. His character is a secretly haunted SURGEON, annoyed by some random stranger white bitch. So it was an apropos response.

The other funny thing in the plane was Beau Bridges. I remember cracking up because his character, the pilot, was turned around talking to Idris and Kate in the back instead of paying attention to the sky road ahead lmao. I was like lol turn around. So he finally turns around, then immediately begins having a stroke. OF COURSE! Lmao Idris notices first and is like Um, sis, r u okay? He is not. Idris, doctor person, starts trying to ~help~ Beau, but if I'm in some tiny plane and the pilot starts stroking out, I'm, with such a fucking rage and ferocity, pushing his dumb ass out the way so I can begin to steer lol. Like.

Pretty quickly the plane is crashing. Oh, also, a storm was brewing ahead. So I guess that played a part as well. The crash was vaguely interesting to watch from inside the plane. It was largely hilarious. The back of the plane coming off was funnier to me than it needed to be? I think it was Kate's reaction. She was also really concerned about the dog in the plane and how she was grabbing its collar trying to hold onto it omg. Oh, yeah, there's a dog. The pilot's. Just in case us, the audience, doesn't care about the fate of Idris and Kate. A dog. But what if we don't care about dogs, either? Where's the cat? This is BULLSHIT!

So the plane crashes. Idris wakes up and sees he's alive. Cool. He doesn't seem to be injured. Cool cool. Beau is dead. Killed off almost as fast as he was on Blackish. Kate is alive but hurt. She wakes up a bit later after Idris has figured out fire and counted his almonds I guess. So there's a lot of scenes of them like being cold and vaguely wondering when they'll be rescued. A beacon is mentioned a couple of times. I have no fucking idea what that is. I guess it's a part of the plane the...someone can use to track where they are? Idris seems to be putting his faith into it. Like because of THE BEACON, someone will come for them. Kate is different. She is the ~reckless~ ~selfish~ war photographer or whatever she does. Idris is more straitlaced and a total SQUARE! He wants to stay and wait. Kate wants to go..

But I'm like, bitch, go where?

Like, at one point Idris goes to the top of a peak to see if there are any nearby roads and it's just like......so much mountain shit. Lmao, it was literally hilarious how alone it looked like they were.

But Kate wants to GO. Never mind the fact that she has a fucked up leg and can barely walk. She was being the utmost white bitch. And she literally ABANDONS Idris when he refuses to leave. Lol like he literally stayed weeks with her invalid behind taking care of her, collecting her pee and shit and she just fucks off the second he calls her selfish.

To be fair, it didn't seem like the best idea for them to stay. There's only so much cougar meat.

Oh, there was a cougar.

So I got my cat

:(

So Kate and her dummy leg leave Idris. I'm glad that they had her character at least leave him a note because until then I was like oh hell no. Like, if y'all want me to get into this romance later, this is NAUGHT the way to do it smh.

So after Idris throws a tantrum or whatever he goes after Kate. On his way to find her, he runs into the beacon. Again, I have no idea wtf this is. But something inside it is broke? Cuz duh plane crash. Idris' expression indicates that he shouldn't have been relying on whatever it does all this time. Off to find Kate.

We see that Kate is bout to die by the time Idris catches up to her. She's slowing down and blah once they catch up something about Idris pushes Kate to continue.

So they do a bunch of walking and shit. Then they find a cave. It's a nice cave. Cave.

Then Kate uses her camera and sees some shit. A flashy thing. She thinks its something, so her and him walk towards the flash thing.

Oh, did I ever say the dog is okay? Lmao. The dog is okay and with them the whole time. But I'm wondering why it was okay to kill the cougar but we s'posed to be worrying bout some damn dog. Fuck the patriarchy!!

So prob more walking after cave. I think they go to where Kate saw the flashy thing and see there's some gushing body of water that will definitely kill them if they go down and try to cross or whatever. Idris is like let's go back and find another way around, Kate says something like No? I think? Idk. I think they try to rest. Then the dog is off somewhere, Idris goes after it and discovers a cabin. Yay! But also I was wondering how that cabin got there. WHY it was there. There are like no stores around who even lives there. It's in the middle of a nowhere fucking mountain forest. To be fair, the cabin is super rundown. But someone at some point lived there. I mean, there were couches inside... How? Why? How did they get the couches up the mountain? I saw zero roads or anything. Maybe by helicopter? But why???? But, as I've stated before, I know literally nothing, so I could only question the existence of this cabin so much. More so, I should've focused my energy on questioning the existence of this film, and the people who thought to make it.

Right!

Oh.

So of course.

Dj Driz is happy cuz cabin. But of course while he is stumbling upon some choice shelter for them and the dog, ole girl is off falling into ice water. Duh.

So Idris saves her and he gets her to the cabin to warm her up and tings.

The writers of the film realize at this point that they have pretty much wasted the fact that Idris' character is a doctor. You could tell they wrote it like See, there's a black guy, right? And he's a DOCTOR! And every1 in the mountain between us committee gasp with awe and being so impressed. And then they basically never bring up either of those things again in the film. To be fair! Idris uses his doctor stuff to create a cast for Kate's leg earlier in the film. And prob he did other random doctor stuff, but because I don't even remember, that's bad.

At the cabin is when the writers are like: He can do some doctor shit here!!!!!

Kate isn't waking up after falling into the ice water hole. Something about dehydrated and Idris prob warmed her up "too fast" (what).

So I guess Idris makes her an IV. It wasn't...clear. He cleans a needle off that's supposed to be used for snake bites and he jams it into Kate's arm. They don't show him doing anything else with this needle lol like I have no idea what he was doing. I just assumed he was doing a makeshift IV. But know this: They do not make that clear. It's just too obvious they wanted to quickly have this character do his doctor thing again real quick. In case we forgot!!!

Idris plays on a random piano in the cabin, and then Kate awakens!

Yay!

Just kidding. Medium yay. Isn't Kate first billed? If not, she's at least second billed. She's obvi not bout to die when the movie isn't about to be over yet smh.

So she wakes. And then they fuck!!

Idk if I'm immature..........

I am.

But the sex scene was awkward.

Thank god, it was over pretty quick lmao.

Then I think Kate tries to get in Idris' business concerning his wife. She was instantly WAY in the beginning tryna get all in his business about his wife and personal life. Asking mad questions and going through his bag and listening to recordings on this recorder thing he had. We find out that Idris used to be happily married. Then his wife got a brain tumor or something. Idris, a neurosurgeon, tries to save her. Tragically by screenwriting standards, he is unable. She dies.

He is sad.

Kate also has a little thing going on. She's engaged to some guy. I think he's named Mark. Oh, actually, she was on her way to her wedding in the beginning of the film, so that explains why she was in such a...rush.

K.

So they leave the cabin eventually. And they find signs of human life!!!!! They see like a work site or something, but something happened that was unclear to me. They showed like this line of demarcation, but I couldn't tell if it maybe was an electric fence or something? Why did they look despondent when they saw there were people? Were they lowkey sad they were going to have to go back to ~real life~. You know guys, I think this movie might just be too DEEP for me!!!

Anyway, of course, as they are about to go down and get help, Kate is like WHERE IS DOG.

Idris goes to find him and, natch, gets caught in a bear trap.

Racist!!

Kate is unable to get it off him, so she fucks off by herself to get help.

Fast-forward to Dj Drizza in the hospital!

He is alive and safe!

A nubian king!!!

He gets up at the hospital to go see his bae Kate. It's mad awkward. Then Kate's bae (played by Dermot Mulroney! lmao) comes in. Lol, so awkward.

Literally, Idris has tears in his eyes.

I was cracking up. Just kidding I'm being fake I felt lowkey sad.

So eventch they are released from hospital and they are able to go back to their lives. Kate is at a party with her shitty friends and doesn't seem to want to mingle. She dramatically goes inside to her kitchen during the party to contemplate by herself like a lonely loser. Across the pond, Dj Driz is back to doing doctor stuff. He has dog now. He falls asleep on the floor of his fancy flat. ALONE! (with the dog)

We are to surmise they are both sad and stuff.

Cuz PTSD.

Eventch, Kate reaches out to Driz. She sends him photos of their time spent together trying not to die in the mountains.

He travels to NY? Or she to London? Wasn't clear, or I'm dumb. But they eventually meet up. Kate implies Dj Driz has not been answering the phone. He says it's cuz she's married. Um, bro, y'all can't be friends? You share trauma. This isn't just about your goofy romance smh.

But what's weird is that...the movie makes it about that.........

Their frankly idiotic convo is about their romantic connection. Which prob isn't even a romantic connection. Y'all was trapped together for weeks tryna survive. You're bonded from that.

Kate says, though, that they survived because they ~fell in love~.

Okay.

But also she implies it'd be impossible for them to date now. Because there's trapped on a mountain world, and there's the real world, and neither the twain shall meet.

Or?

Like?

Why not? lol...

It was weird how dramatic they were being.

Like, Kate broke up with her man.

So at the meet-up, they are both single.

Literally nothing in the world is holding them back.

There is absolutely zero conflict.

If you wish, you two can begin dating ~in the real word~ and see if what you have is the real deal, and not just, you know, the fact that both of you share the same traumatic experience.

But in the movie, basically Kate is like WE CAN'T BE TOGETHER. And runs off from the restaurant they're in.

But then two seconds later, she turns around and runs back. And so does Idris.

Then Zayn and Sia's "Dusk Till Dawn" plays, which immediately made me forget everything bad about the ending, and also all the rest of the movie, and I was like awwww. Bestfriends and boyfriends :')

Anyway, don't ever make this movie again.

Just kidding, can I get a remake with Timothy Chalabae and Bill Skarsgaard. Y'all do a remake every damn day so don't act like it's a no smh

But yeah anyway when is Idris gonna be Bond? Tired of the foolishness. If you can pretend to want to keep Kate Winslet alive, you can certainly play a white trash, misogynistic spy! I mean honestly!