Streets of Fire (1984) made me sad

And not in a good way. Not in a Blue Valentine or Ordinary People sort of way. In a Larry Crowne-ish "why was this even made" sort of way. Walter Hill, the director of this mess, made The Warriors. Yeah. This movie is basically The Warriors if it was set in the world of Little Shop of Horrors. Does that sound appealing to you? Because it motherfucking shouldn't. 

Speaking of Little Shop of Horrors, a movie that does not make me want to cry on the toilet, Rick Moranis is here playing, essentially, "Jew". Capital J, son. Hmmm, I'm embarrassed for whoever wrote this, and Ricky Moron for accepting the role. I mean, I guess a check is a check, but - come on. I'm going to ignore the gigantic flashing neon crossed-out menorah sign and just address how fucking annoying Billy Fish was.

ugh. Always popping off at the mouth and shit. Boo, you're like eleven inches tall. He's playing Ellen Aim's manager/boyfriend and he's super-obnoxious and a total caricature. Ugh, look. I sort of get maybe all this campy/1-dimensional character-drawing was...intentional? But what I definitely don't get is why it was done intentionally. If you're self-aware-ish, why not just...intentionally...make a not completely surface, super dumb ass dummy movie??? I feel I could excuse this movie more if it didn't look like everything was done the way it was purposely. (Like if completely accidentally, through no fault of its own, it was entirely fucking terrible). But I feel like, even if a lot of the dumbness/badness was intentional, they were still being completely fucking serious about a lot of other things. 

Let's address...god, so much intentional/unintentional bad to choose from. Let's do McCoy. When Amy Madigan showed up I got a little excited because I think of her as a legit, respectable actress, and so I thought: if she's in this, it can't be that bad. And yes, I heard much about this movie before watching it - primarily that it was a so bad it's good "cult classic".

So when Amy shows up it's like Oh, okay. But...hmmmm. Because I think before we meet McCoy we meet Bill Paxton's goofy ass rocking a VERY OBVIOUSLY FAKE missing tooth???

Like, it's clearly a tooth painted black?? Or...is that part of his character? Like he thinks it's cool and badass to have a missing tooth so he paints one black? EVEN SO: Dumb. Either way: Stupid. Ugh. Just ugh @ his whole character. Dude, I fucking hate Bill Paxton. No, what I hate is that I don't even really hate him. Like, were you the best part about Boxing Helena? No, that was clearly Art Garfunkel, but you were second-best and amused me and that movie really made me want to go on a killing spree and maybe you're sort of responsible for me not doing that???? I really hated you on Big Love, though. And also sooooo many other things. Titanic, right? You were in that. In those - gag - present day scenes. NO.

But anyway, unfortunately, back to McCoy. So much problematic with McCoy. Ugh, where to even fucking begin. First, her hair. 

I feel like this is just Amy Madigan's hair and, if so, fine. But wtf is that hat? And what are those clothes she's wearing?? Are you an airplane mechanic from WWII or some shit, McCoy? No, you are homeless and unemployed. I guess they say how McCoy was a soldier and she just got back from war?? So, maybe that explains her horrifying appearance? What's never explained is why this fucking movie is using "soldier" as a euphemism for LESBIAN. Is this supposed to be some sort of joke? LOL, MOVIE. LOL. Like, they think they're being really clever and funny or some shit but it just comes across like they're afraid to have an out gay character in their movie. Even though McCoy is very obviously a profesh scissorer of bitches with her repeated "you're not my type"s to Cody and being all "I lived with a man AND THEN I JOINED ARMY". Ugh. Are they trying to imply going to war made McCoy a lezzer? Or, she was already a lezzer and that explains her being a female and joining ~the army~? Gag me with a thousand jizzcocks, like, 4 srs. AND WHAT WAS THAT ENDING? What the fuck with Cody and McCoy riding off into the sunset?? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T MCCOY GET THAT FISHNET STRIPPER BITCH'S DIGITS?? 

(hotter than Cody, jus sayin')

Who the fuck rides off into the sunset with lame-ass, trying way too hard Tom "Benadryl" Cody???? 

Speaking of making me drowsy as fuck, causing me to nod off to fucking sleep: 

Ladies and gents, Tom Cody!!!! Just. At first, I was into it. Michael Paré is hot. Not in any sort of striking, remarkable way. He's just...very not ugly? And I guess I was into his little baby facial hair? And initially, definitely into the ~deep voice~. Quickly, however, the ~deep voice~ became the monotone voice. Wake up, dummy! He was very sleepy and very one-note. He was hot and wearing like...Cold Mountain pajamas the entire time, but his super-boringness completely overrode all the goodwill his hotness and pajamas...garnered...when he first...came through. Like twenty minutes into the movie he started to not even be hot anymore. Like, his face started to look weird and his facial hair was embarrassing me. And sometimes the part in his hair was really off and I'd choose to focus my hatred and disgust on his post-production reshoots hair instead of any shockingly unimportant letters mashed together into words and gang-raped into sentences he had to say. Somethingsomething I'm a loner, Dottie. Somethingsomething A rebel. AND. What was up with his total reluctance and hesitation about going to rescue Ellen?? UM, HELLO! THIS BITCH WAS KIDNAPPED. No, seriously, why is everyone in the movie so fucking blasé about this horrifying shit? Willem Dafoe just rips through in the middle of Ellen's concert, SNATCHES HER RIGHT OFF THE STAGE, DRAGS HER BACK TO HIS RAPE LAIR, and everyone except for Cody's sister is like *shrug* What? And Cody only goes to save her when lil Harvey Weinstein pays him to do so. Yeah, real hero. Or is this that anti-hero thing I keep hearing about? ?....??.????     ??

And can we talk about Ellen and Cody's ~tru luv 4 ever~ romantical romancey romance?? 

Like, no one cares. They're so lame ugh. When they have their climaxy embrace in the rain. 

I'm like

I'm sleepy like Cody

@ this shit. No one cares. It's very anticlimactic; I guess keeping in theme with this movie being anti-everything (anti heroes, anti inoffensive stereotypes, anti people who hate Bill Paxton, anti making a good movie, anti christ). AND THEN CODY JUST LEAVES THIS BITCH! They have wet sex and then he's all "I'm not carrying her fucking guitars" and says some crazy shit about how she'd be better off with Billy (you hate her, obviously), and leaves! But not before fake-weepily watching Ellen perform some song maybe about him on stage. Ugh, nice try, Michael Paré, attempting to poop out some tear drops. I hope you didn't strain anything. Except obviously I hope you did. 

Should I do Ellen now? I.................................... This movie just really made me the whole time wish I was watching Ladies and Gentlemen, the Fabulous Stains. Ellen as a character, like basically all the characters, is shittily constructed. She's 1-D as fuck. She might actually be negative-dimensional. There's really no reason to care about her (or anyone). You know who I did care about? Two people: that fishnet stripper bitch I mentioned earlier (a goddess), and Raven, whose name people kept mentioning the whole movie and I kept forgetting who that was. So, Willem Dafoe. I just automatically love Willem Dafoe no matter what. He, LIKE EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS MOVIE, does not have much to work with, but I got excited in my pants when he showed up. At first he was unrecognizable to me - (he turns up, like, screaming. 

Similar to this^. It's very pterodactyl vampire.) Then once I realized it was Willem I was pleased in my body. He was very pasty and I got to see his teeth a lot. That's all I ever need from my Willem. So, thank you terrible movie, for at least doing that right. 

Oh, also I loved Ed Begley Jr's random ass appearance. 

Like, why was he covered in dirt??? I feel like I'm low-key into EBJ? I can't tell. I mean, definitely I'll always have affection for him because of Stan Sitwell. And also for other things? He sort of reminds me of a more albino, less-important Matthew Modine? Um, did I just say someone was less-important than Matthew Modine? (no shade, I love you Birdy!!!!)

Overall, if you couldn't tell, I super disliked this movie. I didn't like ~the style~; hated almost every character; was annoyed at typical eighties ~diversity casting~ (a doo-wop group?? One random Asian extra in Raven's gang?? Come on); wanted McCoy to stop being so obvious; wanted Billy to die, then got annoyed at the movie for bringing me down into its anti-Semitic web of (mostly) lies; got annoyed at how obvious reshoots scenes were, then hated myself for noticing, then hated the movie for making me hate myself - it was a mess, and Streets of Fire brought me down, man. Very not full tilt boogie, man. I honestly should've quit this shit the minute I saw those title cards talking about some SET IN ANOTHER TIME IN ANOTHER DIMENSION OR SOME SHIT WHICH, IN LAYMAN'S TERMS, MEANS WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL THE MANY HORRIBLE MISTAKES WE'VE MADE. ALSO, SHYAMALAN, WE DID IT F1RST. ugh, no.

^me @ Streets of Fire

die.

Boyfriends: The Defiant Ones (1958)

I really love Sidney Poitier and Tony Curtis. Especially Poitier. I can't tell if they're legit ~good actors~, but I just love everything they give me. They're both really charismatic and interesting and I like their faces. My reasons for liking pretty much any actress/actor always boils down to: do I like their face? And I really really love both of their faces. So this movie is a special treat (uggggh) for me - to have two faces I really love doing basically gay interracial porn. IT'S MY DREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM.

Before I get into cumming all over this shit (NO), I'd first like to address some interesting facts (facts??) I read on the imdb trivia page for this movie. Okay, FIRSTLY, Robert Mitchum was a "veteran" of a fucking real-life goddamn chain gang? WHO DOES THAT?? What was he even in prison for--NO, YOU KNOW WHAT, DON'T WANT TO KNOW. But lol @ him turning down the role of the white one because he didn't believe a white dude and a black dude would be chained up together. First off, that's addressed in the film as the warden or whatever having ~a sense of humor~. Also, this is, like, allegorical or some shit?? And don't even try to come @ me on some Robert Mitchum gives a shit about realism bullshit. lol, please. And then everyone thought maybe he was sort of racist after that. lol, um, he probably was?????? 

Okay the next piece of trivia is that Tony Curtis insisted Sidney Poitier get top billing. First off: hold on there, Tony. Calm down. You're showing your white guilt. You're being very obvious. Does Sidney deserve top-billing? Yes, because he's the greatest. But...I feel like they share equal screentime so let's all just simmer the fuck down. But I can imagine Tony feeling really proud of himself and patting himself on the back like YES, I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS AND WE'RE EQUALS AND I'M BASICALLY CASSAVETES WHEN HE DID SHADOWS. I've made all this up in my head basically, but it's also probably 100%%% super-fucking accurate, so. Also, I love how no one listened to Tony, right? Like, did Poitier even get top billing, lol omg

Another thing that's mentioned is that T-Curt wanted to take this part to break away from all the pretty boy roles he'd been given (lol). But the director, Stanley Kramer, had "misgivings" (lol). Eventually, imdb trivia tells me, he "ultimately relented". Did...T-Curt blow him?? Doesn't it sound like...Stanley Kramer did not want T-Curt anywhere near his fucking picture but...something happened. Either T-Curt blew him, or the studio barked in Stanley's face that he had to hire him. I'm just imagining him being really annoyed he couldn't get Brando. Or, fucking Elvis. SPEAKING OF EITHER OF THESE INDIVIDUALS BEING UP FOR THE ROLE. Brando? Eh, okay. He maybe would have done something interesting, but also I don't think I can imagine him playing well with whoever his co-star would've been. I feel he'd try to make it a ~Brando Picture~, when this is wayyyy more of a teamwork kind of thing. And, omg, imdb tells me Sammy Davis Jr. was up at one point for the Cullen part. Jesus. I mean, maybe. I really liked him in A Man Called Adam, but...I don't know if I would've been into him here. Especially not if he was paired up with fucking Elvis Presley omg that would have been a possibly stupendous disaster. I almost want that version now.

Thank god though that Curtis and Poitier ended up being ultimately cast. I think they're both really perfect, even though Poitier seems a little...too high-class or something to be playing a former farmer in prison for attempted manslaughter or some shit. Like, he's trying to do sort of this po' Southern hominy-eating accent, but all his uppity-ness, if you will, is screaming through lol. I love it, I don't care. And Curtis, on the other hand, I don't know what the fuck he's doing. And why--WHY IS HE, LIKE, BLACKER THAN POITIER. Right? Am I fucking tripping or he is basically doing jive turkey up in this bitch? HE IS, RIGHT??? Like, Charlie Potatoes??? 

WHAT IS HE DOING?!?! It's so funny, like every time he opens his mouth I'm like...does this nigga have re-re-vitiligo or some shit lol omg. He's doing way too much. 

Okay, wait, let me start at the beginning. I love how I'm--ugh. OKAY. So the movie starts with Sidney Poitier singing fucking slave hymns in the back of some, idk, prison car? I guess maybe the chain gang works on their chain gang activities and then they're carted back to the prison after they're done? Whatever, they're in the back of some van thing with some other chain gang couples. The dudes driving the car are like SHUT UP, POITIER. And then T-Curt gets annoyed, too, and he's like STOP SINGING NIGGER. Poitier, to say the least, is not totally cool with T-Curt calling him the n-word. They start tussling. #needsmoreroughgaysex The drivers are like HEY SHUT UP SIT DOWN or whatever. Then, CAR CRASH ACCIDENT THING. I think a bunch of people die lol idk, but T-Curt and Poitier end up escaping. 

Then some fucking cops show up. To be honest, I barely paid attention to the scenes with the police and the dude with the blood hounds or whatever. It's just, ugh, why can't this movie be pretty much all one-on-one scenes with Poitier and T-Curt trying to escape all these forces chasing them off-screen? Why do we need these fucking scenes with the cops and the lynch mob or whatever? Is it, like, a political thing? I was thoroughly annoyed, because it took away from time I could be watching Poitier and T-Curt arguing and then angrily, in that sexually frustated sort of way, sharing a cigarette. WHY CAN'T THIS MOVIE JUST BE ALL THEM SHARING A CIGARETTE AND CALLING EACH OTHER NIGGER AND HONKY AND THEN FINALLY, ANAL INSERTION??? WHHYY, MOVIE, WHHYYY? Why is Hollywood, like, so base? It's fucking tedious and annoying, bro.  

BUT ANYWAY! T-Curt and Poitier are on the run, the lam. ugh. And they're, like, arguing, because, race stuff. 

(they talk really intensely like this^)

And T-Curt is especially dickish. He goes on some ranty-ass tangent about how he hates the words "thank you". How he used to work as a valet or some shit and he had to say thank you to the richies when they gave him their cars to park. Poitier is all "such is life". And T-Curt is all YEAH SEE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU MAKE SAYING "THANK YOU" - THAT'S WHY I STEAL. Logic, yo. And then Poitier talks about how he hates certain words, too. Like, for instance, "nigger". Then T-Curt is insane and is like UM, GET OVER IT, PEOPLE CALL ME HONKY ALL THE TIME AND I DON'T CARE. lol, not the same thing, but okaaaaaay. And he's such a douche - like, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING ON SOME CRAZY ASS RANT ABOUT HAVING TO SAY A COMMON POLITE PHRASE BUT POITIER EXPRESSES DISTATE FOR PEOPLE CALLING HIM A NIGGER AND YOU'RE LIKE "UGH, SHUT UP, GET OVER IT". Um, did Poitier say that to you? Ugh, he's soooooo annoying. And of course this causes a tussle. And of course Poitier would win, right? He's like a foot taller than T-Curt. Like, does T-Curt think he would survive any to-the-death brawl? Is he--well, he's clearly insane. He clearly has many problems. Like, he calls himself Charlie Potatoes. IN A SERIOUS MANNER. 

I like when they start ~working together~ and becoming best frands. Well, it's sort of necessary. Like, they're chained together and constantly fighting. Do you want to get caught and killed? COME ON, TEAMWORK. What comes first: the clay hole thing or them being caught up in that town??? omg I can't remember but it's cute when they work together to get out of that clay hole and they're all wet and muddy and it's super erotic and then afterwards Poitier like delicately inspects T-Curt's wrist and says his wound looks like it might be infected and T-Curt, a dick, like rips his arm away. He's all: I DON'T NEED YOU DOING ANY FAVORS FOR ME. And Poitier is all "I'm not doing you any favors..." LIKE IT'S THE SADDEST MOST ROMANTIC THING OF ALL TIME???!!? Is it just me or is this the cutest thing ever and he deserves wayyyy better than a dude seriously calling himself Charlie Potatoes? T-Curt makes up for it though by relenting and allowing Poitier to pack his wound with mud. Then he's nastily like "THANK YOU". Ah, what a dreamboat.

Okay, yeah, so I think maybe them going to the town happens after this? They want to steal some food and supplies and stuff, but they wait for the townspeople to go to sleep. Once they do, they break into some store. From the roof. They're climbing down into this store from the roof fucking chained together. As expected, things go super-well. Or, the opposite of that? T-Curt is being the dead weight as usual and ends up falling into the store, bringing his boo down with him. There's all these loud crashing sounds. The entire town of about fifty angry white people wakes up. YAY, COOL. So they get really excited about lynching. They can't wait. Well, at least one dude in particular. HE IS SO EXCITED TO LYNCH. But I guess they feel some sort of way about lynching them both. Particularly since T-Curt is discovered to be white. Like, I don't think you can just lynch white people. T-Curt mentions how there's always a reward for turning in escaped convicts/criminals, and the Lynch Happy dude is all like "YEAH, DEAD OR ALIVE". But you can tell he sort of just wants them to confess that it was Poitier's idea to break into the store (and I think some townsdude got hurt???), so they don't have to kill T-Curt. They won't confess to anything; Lynch Happy tells Poitier to spit on T-Curt but Poitier spits on Lynch Happy, instead. Lynch Happy gut-punches Poitier and IT'S SO CUTE EVEN THOUGH HE'S HURT. HE LIKE, LAYS HIS PAINED HEAD ON T-CURT'S CHEST. Ugh and then T-Curt ruins this beautiful moment by being all "YOU CAN'T LYNCH ME - I'M WHITE!!" Cool. 

Lon Chaney Jr. is here and he makes some big speech. Like, YOU REALLY WANT TO LYNCH THESE MEN, OKAY, DO IT. He's holding out a torch. Oh, wait--he had a torch. lol So maybe they weren't going to lynch and maybe he said something like DO YOU WANT TO BURN THESE MEN'S EYEBALLS OUT?? HERE - DO IT.  Something like that. And it's super-hilar when Lynch Happy steps forward to accept the torch and burn the shit out of them lol and then LCJ like decks the shit out of him. Tooooo funny. Eventually they just tie Poitier and T-Curt up in a barn. 

(they look sexily @ each other like this)

Then Lon Chaney Jr. shows up and...lets them go. BECAUSE HE'S AN ESCAPED CHAIN GANG DUDE, TOO. Cool. You know whatever he did to get locked-up was insane. Like, he dressed up as a fucking clown and killed ALL THE KIDS. You just know. As they're leaving, Poitier is like CAN WE GET DAT CROWBAR?? And LCJ is like, don't push ur luck, son. It's funny that Poitier thought his black ass was about to get something extra. Like, he released you........just leave?? lol 

Then, Billy. 

Billy, Billy, Billy. You damn dumb idiot. First, Billy initially has a gun. He's pointing it at T-Curt and Poitier when he stumbles upon them. AND THEN HE JUST STANDS THERE AND LETS THEM FUCKING TAKE IT FROM HIM. What a goddamn fucking simpleton. And then he falls and hits his idiot head because they push him. Actually, I think it was specifically T-Curt. Poitier is the one who picks him up and knocks him back to consciousness. But of course Billy is terrified of Poitier's black face AND RUNS INTO T-CURT'S ARMS. Or, he like, goes over to hide behind him and grab onto his derrière (TONY CURTIS' ASS, THO). Billy is a fucking dumb ass idiot. It's just, shocking to me for some reason? I don't know, but he's an idiot and he tells them all his personal information. FOR INSTANCE, WHO HE LIVES WITH AND WHERE. Dummy. I mean, I guess he ultimately fucked up when he let them take the gun. He should've just told them to shoot him in the fucking face after that. I mean, there's no living after that. There's no need for you to still be alive on Earth. 

Billy, still alive for some reason, takes Poitier and T-Curt back to his house where his thirsty ass mommy is there being thirsty as all fuck. 

("THIRSTY???")

It's funny how these two dudes roll up in fucking chains and her first reaction is to be racist and not make a plate for the black one. HMM, BITCH, MAYBE HAVE SOME FEELINGS ABOUT HOW THESE ESCAPED CONVICTS JUST BUST INTO YOUR HOME AND MAYBE DON'T JUST BE IMMEDIATELY OKAY WITH T-CURT'S CHARACTER BECAUSE HE'S WHITE. HE'S WHITE AND A FUCKING ESCAPED CONVICT. God, the thirst is strong in this one. You'd think this bitch had been living in the fucking Sahara subsisting on a diet of fucking sandcakes with a glass of delicious goddamn sand juice. Like, damn bitch, fall wayyyyyyyy the fuck back. AND SHE IS ALLLLLLLL OVER T-CURT. Look, I get it. But you're missing out on some sweet double pen action by ignoring Poitier entirely. COME ON, HO. How you gon' be thirsty as fuck but ignoring whole entire niggas? THAT'S NOT HOW BEING THIRSTY WORKS. You want to be gobbling all the cocks, all the time. Ugh, come on. 

So T-Curt and Poitier get unchained and T-Curt gets some head from United Thirst Nations over there. Then she tells him how she has a car and they can escape together - without Poitier. NO. But she's all like "We won't get caught. They're looking for a white man and a black dude not A MAN AND WIFE". OOOOOOOOOOOOH BOY. And then she tries to pretend like she cares about Poitier's well-being, mentioning how him and T-Curt splitting up would help him, too. Poitier walks in on this little discussion AND MY HEART BREAKS FOR HIM. Like, his boyfriend is a fucking whore-ass douche. HOW COULD YOU JUST LEAVE, POITIER? I'm gonna have to get on #TeamMitchum right about now and call this movie out for being super-unrealistic lol. LIKE, NOPE. But Poitier, classy, doesn't beg and plead for T-Curt not to leave him. He's just like *shrug* even though he's totally DYING INSIDE. Thirst gives him directions to some train, and then tells him to go through the swamp so the blood hounds or whatever won't smell him. Poitier leaves and T-Curt's bye-bye to him is TOTALLY UNSATISFACTORY. I bet T-Curt would be a shit top. Like, he'd cum in two seconds and then fall asleep while inside you. Lame.

After Poitier dips, Thirst immediately spills that she basically directed Poitier into a hell trap. Like, he'll die in the swamp due to either quicksand (which is apparently a real thing that exists in real-life, not just The NeverEnding Story) or "bogs", which my ipad dictionary thing tells me is "wet muddy ground too soft to support a heavy body". Um, rude. T-CURT FLIPS HIS SHIT ON THIS BITCH. And it's beautiful. Now, do I like how basically the only woman in this film is portrayed? Nah. But I'm ignoring my uncomfy feelings about that to just LUXURIATE in T-Curt going off on this bitch. He's all: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME, BITCH! Like, really yelling in this bitch's face. It's...divine. And then Billy's dumb ass shows up, BELATED AS FUCK, to shoot T-Curt in his shoulder. OKAY, BILLY. ugh. But T-Curt runs off to go find his boo-boo and hopefully be better than Atreyu at saving his beloved from drowning in fucking quicksand and/or "bogs". 

omg T-Curt is like running through the swamp with his fucking shoulder wound going "COLORED! COLORED!!". Look, I heard "colored" the entire movie. Possibly he was calling Poitier "Cullen", his character's last name, but I'm like 77% sure he was saying "colored". So, we're going with that. So T-Curt is desperately screaming out for his "Colored", trying to find his probably quicksand-drowned body, and my heart is totally breaking for him even though he's been a huge dick like the entire movie, even when he and Poitier started becoming best frands/lovers?? But I just really want him to find his boo. And he does! Poitier is just standing there like "What do you want?" UGH, IT'S SO CUTE. T-Curt is like um, did you not hear me calling you or....... 

And then Poitier is like "what happened to your shoulder?" ahhh it's so cute because they both totally fucking h8 Billy right? But there's no time for T-Curt to be bitching about yet another injury, they have to go because they're being chased or the bogs or whatever. Eventually they get up out of the swamp and they reach the train. But of course 4ever Dead W8 T-Curt can't grasp onto Poitier's hand and get on the train. 

(Poitier looks like this^. He does all the heavy lifting in this relationship. Super power bottom)

They end up tumbling away from the train and falling into some grass all exhausted and shit. Then some cigarette smoking time. It's very postcoital. It's always postcoital; this whole movie. They're being aggressively chased by that cop and those dogs and stuff I mentioned earlier. They decide to just give up. I think T-Curt says something about how they gave them a good run. GOD BUT WHO CARES ABOUT ANY OF THAT BECAUSE LOOK

LOOK AT THIS^ BEAUTIFUL MESS. POITIER. PUTS. HIS FUCKING CIG. INTO T-CURT'S. LITTLE. MOUTH HOLE. uggggggggggggggggggggggh it's so cute. And then T-Curt says some super gay shit about how Poitier would make someone a good wife someday. WHAT??? THIS MOVIE IS TOTALLY GAY!!! I'M NOT ~READING TOO MUCH INTO IT~. IT'S JUST OBVIOUSLY ABOUT TWO HOMO QUEERS. Ugh then Poitier starts serenading T-Curt with those loud-ass slave hymn yelps. It's glorious. I hope they get to fucking bunk together in priz. PLEASE GIVE ME THAT SEQUEL.

Masterpiece of Shit Theater: Episode 2, The Truth About Emanuel/Emanuel and the Truth about Fishes/The New Neighbor??? (2013)

Sigh.

Where...to begin. 

I guess, I'll start with saying I'm a fan of Kaya Scodelario. For why? Because of Skins, I guess. Right? Like I really loved Effy. For any non-horrifying reasons? No, of course not. But she was definitely one of my fave characters from that messy show. Number one was probably Cook, right? Oh my god I have so many problems. But anyway I love Kaya now and I'm making the terrible mistake of following her career. Well, maybe it's not--It hasn't been that terrible in that pretty much the only thing I've seen of hers outside of Skins, besides this mess I'm going to talk about today, is Wuthering Heights, which has become one of my favorite movies. I don't think that being a Kaya fan is going to be that bad. It's not going to be an Amanda Seyfried situation, I don't think. And the piece of shit I'll be discussing in this post is...not that...it's at least an interesting concept? Like, it's a terrible movie, but...it's not terrible in a run of the mill thriller or romance sort of way. I mean, there's a fake dead baby, so. 

Let's begin! So I was saying all that scatterbrainy stuff about Kaya to attempt to explain my initial interest in this movie: Kaya was in it. So I had to watch it. ARE YOU KEEPING UP??! I had no idea what this movie was about, but I figured since it was showcased at Sundance (I think) it at least had to be sort of interesting. Right? UGH. I mean, yes. I do think...they had...some...intriguing elements. I felt the movie had potential, buried very very deep deep deep down. And, I appreciate it. I appreciate the potential and even the effort. However, you've all failed. Everyone involved. No, that's not fair. No, but it's true lol. You failed. Ya blew it. But two Steve McQueen obviously faux-sincere airclaps for trying. 

So Kaya plays some bitch named Emanuel. Apparently "Emaunel" is a boy's name. YEWNEEK. Emanuel has her name tattooed on her arm because...so...if she...gets separated from...something...they know?? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW. I guess if she winds up drowned or some shit they can identify her body? But bitch, are you forgetting about sharks? Come on. Anyway, Emanuel's mom is dead. And I guess this explains why she's basically Daria?? Why she's doing a really try-hardy impersonation of Daria? But sorry, all you reminded me of was this shitty fucking Hilary Duff vehicle I saw once where she planned to kill herself on her sixteenth birthday or some shit. Like, I swear to god this was basically that same exact movie except no Evan Ross' widow peak in sight. And that's a damn shame. Don't be...worse than a ~Hilary Duff vehicle~, okay?? 

So Emanuel is motherless but I don't know what her fucking problem is because she has Chicken Alfredo Molina as her daddy and Frances O'Connor's super cute ass for a stepmom. Also she has cool clothes and cool French music and a cool job working at a medical supply store where Jimmi Simpson's cute ass 

(i needed an excuse to post)

plays her boss. WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, EMANUEL?? WHY ARE YOU LIKE SUPER CYNICAL AND MOODY WHEN YOUR LIFE IS BASICALLY PERFECT AND DID I EVEN GET AROUND TO MENTIONING CUTE ASS TRAIN BOY??

LOOK AT HIM. THIS IS YOUR BOYFRIEND SORT OF. HE HAS ONE DIRECTION HAIR AND I THINK THE ACTOR MIGHT BE FRENCH??! UH, HELLO! CHEER UP, BITCH!!

But the movie wants to sell me that Emanuel can't get the fuck over herself because her mommy died. UGH, FINE. Enter scene: Jessica Fucking Biel. 

Justin Timberlake's wife plays the new neighbor. Please lets address the fact that when we first see this bitch she is moving in to her new home AT FUCKING NIGHT. I've never moved anywhere lol but...is it common for people to be moving in at night? It just seemed really off and odd right away. But Emanuel, instead of being like, who is this weird ass bitch with the bangs creepin' in to a new house in the middle of the night, is intrigued by Justin Timberlake's wife. BLAH BLAH MOTHER REPLACEMENT BLAH. This bitch has a kid. Emanuel starts babysitting it. 

So, the first time Emanuel goes over to bebesit it's weird because JT's wife doesn't give her any directions or anything. Emanuel asks to see the baby but JT's wife is like "she's sleeping don't want to wake her up blah blah". Emanuel is like "what if she wakes up?". JT's wife is like "baby monitor - you'll be able to hear her if she needs anything". Hmm, do babies talk, bitch? WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS WHEN THE BABY WAKES UP AND I HEAR IT CRYING??? JT's wife does not answer this very pertinent question; she dips off to run errands or some shit. LOOK. I knew right away something was up with this bitch and this baby. I decided pretty immediately that Jessica Biel was carrying around a baby corpse. And I was very very annoyed that it seemed this movie was trying to make me think...that the baby was real? Or, you know what, maybe they weren't. Maybe they wanted you to suspect something weird was up, but OH BOY was I so annoyed waiting for them to reveal what the situation was. I feel like it took them longer to reveal it than they actually did, but omg I could not fucking stand to see her walking around with this baby that I thought was obviously very fucking dead. 

Like when JT's wife is FUCKING BREASTFEEDING IT. 

LOOK AT THIS. In the movie it's worse. First of all, the top of the baby's head is sooooo fucking creepy and freakish. Like, the hair. It's all diseased-looking and shit. AND THIS BABY IS FUCKING LIFELESS AND YOU NEVER EVER HEAR IT MAKE ANY NOISE. When I saw her sitting here with this fucking baby I was like NO GOD NO PLZ STOP OH MY FUCKING GOD. I was getting super upset. I can't even remember--I think this was definitely before Emanuel found out what the fuck was actually going on. And what was going on?????

THIS^

^THIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I laughed, I cried. In case you're a fucking idiot, in case you are this movie, that's a goddamn fucking baby doll. A DOLL. And can we please--WHERE DID JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S WIFE GET THIS SHIT? WHERE IN THE FUCK DID SHE EVEN BUY THIS??? The doll is soooooo fucking ugly and gross-looking. AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH ITS HAIR? It looks like it has fucking Lyme disease. This fatigued-looking ass fucking doll - I can't. I won't. And the scene when Emanuel discovers it's a doll is so...I don't know. I don't know which word to choose. Is it funny? Creepy? Horrifying? Pleasestop.com/no??? All of the above and then some??? I'll choose funny, looking back on it, because seriously when she's looking at this mess in the crib it's lying prostrate. Prostrate but in a crib. It looks dead and I'm like GOD PLEASE STOP NO because I'm thinking Kaya is nudging a fucking bebe corpse. BUT NO, BECAUSE SHE TURNS THIS SHIT OVER AND IT'S SOME FUCKING OLD TIMEY ABANDONED VICTORIAN CHILD GHOST'S PLAYTHING. ugh, wtf. Why, movie, why???

AND THEN. Jessica Biel walks in on Emanuel discovering that her ~baby~ is some shit she got out of the irregulars bin at Toys"R"Us. But probably likelier one of those shittier toy stores. Does KB Toys still exist? Then that one. When JT's wife walks in on Emanuel being horrified about Jessica Biel's entire existence, she just...acts like nothing's wrong. OH MY GOD I THINK SHE STARTS LIKE CHANGING THE BABY'S DIAPER OR SOME SHIT AND DRESSING IT AND OH MY GOD SHE'S SAYING THINGS LIKE "YOU'RE SO WRIGGLY TODAY" AND ALL THIS CREEPY MESS OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDD and Kaya is just standing there like 

*SHRUG* (needed an excuse to post, but also basically)

Like Kaya tries to do ~~shock~~. But NO. Doing a half-assed job at feigning horror is never the reaction a situation like this calls for. An example of an appropriate response to an occasion such as this would be, maybe: BITCH, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?! followed by screaming and running from the house, but not before dousing it in gasoline and SETTING IT ON FUCKING FIRE. But what does Emanuel do? She sort of makes an attempt to leave after JT's wife is like "go get a onesie for this fake dead baby slash actual doll". As Kaya is going towards the stairs to fucking leave, JT's wife is in the nursery yelling "IT'S GETTING CHILLY" or some shit like that. Like, forget the fake baby whose diaper she just seriously changed, WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH YELLING AT??!? I would have left just for that alone. But no, Emanuel is a psycho-dummy and she turns away from the stairs and goes to get the monkey onesie or whatever the fuck JT's wife demanded she get. And, can we talk about how JT's wife sort of treats Emanuel like a slave? She's all like PUT THOSE CLOTHES AWAY. Um, she's the babysitter, bitch. Not the maid. AND ARE YOU PAYING HER??? Is Emanuel getting dem fuckin' chex??? Because that is never discussed and there's no way Jessica Biel's crazy ass character is on point with any payments to services she utilizes. I'm still baffled as to how this bitch got a house. SHE'S INSANE. And what is her job????? HOW DOES SHE HAVE MONEY DOLLARS??? 

We'll get to that. (Who's we'll?????????????)

So Emanuel plays along with JT's wife and her delusions because DEAD MOM, that's why. I can't...I don't even want to get into the scenes where Kaya is cradling this fucking doll and she's having ~normal~ conversations with JT's wife. I had a real problem with the fact that Emanuel was super-obsessed with JT's wife. Like, WHY? She was giving me nothing. And no, she was not maternal in any way to Emanuel. She was actually sort of cold and sometimes-rude???? And Emanuel is like YES, THIS IS WHAT MOTHER LOVE FEELS LIKE. Actually, lol, maybe. But basically the movie's explanation for why Emanuel plays along with this mess is so she can stay in Jessica Biel's world and...I don't know...ugh, project her mommy issues onto her??? ugh. Such...problems. And Emanuel is really protective of J Biel and her fucking doll. She doesn't want her parents and her beau or anyone to find out what's going on. PROB CUZ IT'S CRAZY AND YOU NEED HELP. The jig is up eventually, though, when JT's wife goes out on a date with Jimmi Simpson

who wears too-tight shirts like this to real-life work events. Emanuel doesn't want JT's wife to go out with Jimmi. Can we talk about how Jimmi volunteered to babysit her fucking kid before this date? Like, the first day he met Jessica Biel he's like *RAISES HAND* I'LL BABYSIT! No, this literally happened. Everyone in this movie needs to be sectioned. How creepy is it to just volunteer to watch some bitch's kid you don't even know?????? I get it's supposed to come off like: he's super desperate and thinks she's hot and will do anything for her, but for me I'm just getting Woody Allen tease. I can really imagine him making a movie where some stand-in of his (Zach Braff?? Jesse Eisenberg??) is trying to get some single mom (played by either Penelope Cruz or Emma Stone or some shit) to date him and he's like *TOO EAGERLY RAISING HAND* I'LL BABYSIT YOUR KID. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE AROUND TO WITNESS ME DOING ANYTHING. IT. WITNESS ME DOING IT. DON'T BE THERE.

lol so Jessica goes on a d8 with Jimmi. Emanuel babysits. She's like to the kid 

You're talking to a fucking doll. lol this might've happened earlier in the movie, but still. Still what? LEAVE ME ALONE.

Jessica and Jimmi come home from their date, which Jessica sort of prefaced by admitting she'd probably friendzone the shit out of him while abusing him for his babysitting services. WILL NO ONE ADDRESS HOW FUCKING SHITTY LINDA IS AS A HUMAN? Like, let's ignore her fucking psychotic lunacy. Let's push that aside. She's a fucking bitch. She has an attitude and needs to sit down lol. And she needs to do something with that fucking hair. Those bangs are a no-go, sweetie. Get that Münchausen syndrome by proxy coiffure the fuck out of here, b. 

^Look at her hair. Ugh, it's like that the whole movie. AND LOOK AT THAT FUCKING BABY THAT IS ACTUALLY A DOLL OH MY GODDDDD. Can we talk about how Linda probably killed her baby??? Her real-life human one?? WAIT, NO, LET ME GET BACK TO THE DATE WITH JIMMI AND THEN WE'LL GET TO HOW LINDA/JESSICA BIEL/JT'S WIFE PROB KILLED HER ACTUAL HUMAN BABY. 

SO JIMMI AND JESSICA GET BACK FROM THE DATE and Jessica wants Jimmi to see the baby for some reason? Ugh, whatever. Emanuel is like NO, DON'T. SHE'S ASLEEP. And Jessica is like "well then Jimmi will just have to be fucking quiet", but like in a jaunty way, eventho obviously the undertones are: psychotic bitch who will eat your fucking face off if you make a lot of noise and wake up her doll. Emanuel tries to stop Jimmi from going up to see the baby; Jimmi is like "I like your makeup". ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh

They get up to the nursery and Jessica shows Jimmi the "baby". Jimmi's face the entire scene is my everything and I'm soooo pissed I couldn't find any pics of it when I did my lazy-ass google image search of this movie. COME ON, OTHER PEOPLE WRITING ABOUT THIS MESS. Jimmi is all like "so stiff" "so plastic". LOL I FORGET EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS BUT HE'S LIKE COMMENTING ON HOW DOLL-LIKE AND NON-HUMAN THE BABY IS AND IT'S SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING FUNNY. I guess he thinks J Biel is playing a fucking prank on him or something lol. But then he slowly realizes she's being entirely serious and he picks up the doll like "THIS IS A DOLL. WHERE IS YOUR BABY???" And the way he's holding the baby all floppy-like, jesus christ

I just

So JT's wife ~wakes up~. She's like WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!?! uggh. Jimmi and Jessica start calling for Emanuel who's been sitting on the steps listening to them talk through the baby monitor I think. This sequence culminates with Emanuel craddling the doll while Jimmi and Jessica go call the police or some mess. ughgghggh. Emanuel ends up in the hospital, the police are there like TELL US WHERE THE BABY IS! Emanuel says some crazy shit about how the baby joined her mom in the sea. jesus. Seriously, if they had been unable to contact Linda's husband, Emanuel's dumbass would've ended up in fucking jail. 

Speaking of Linda's husband! So this random white dude shows up to ~explain~ everything. It's very the end of Psycho. Like, did we really need him to come in and mansplain? Couldn't we just infer?? Because he really offered no satisfying explanation. The jist is that he and Linda had a terrible relationship, they decided to try for a band-aid baby. It took them five years to conceive, and by that time the relationship was already over. The baby is born, then shortly after it turns up dead. The dude says the autopsy was "inconclusive" and...I don't understand why the screenwriter would have included that if it weren't significant. When he was telling his story I was assuming he'd say the baby died from SIDS. He goes "Linda found her....". But then follows up with the autopsy was inconclusive thing and that "we'll never know what really happened". UM, WHAT? He's sort of accusing her of killing their baby, right? Like, their relationship wasn't fixed by the baby so Linda is like FUCK THIS and kills their kid, right????? I honestly wish he hadn't even turned up because it does not really fucking explain anything. And it almost maybe makes me hate Linda a little more? And they're trying to make it seem like Linda had a psychotic break when she lost her baby, but...if she fucking killed her kid...she was obviously ALREADY INSANE. oui?? I mean, I don't hate Linda for being insane. I hate her for having shitty fringe. And then you tell me she's a baby killer maybe and I'm just like, If she'd just get a better haircut none of this would even matter. 

Ah, well. 'Tis life. 

Mahogany (1975)

Mahogany is one of those ultimate So Bad It's Good movies. Right? Or is it just so bad it's bad and I only really love it because of Anthony Perkins looking like this 

or this

or standing like this

while wearing glasses like this 

and wearing those glasses while being cunty like this

the entire time???? And then, yeah, when HE FUCKING DIES, I'm totally over the movie at that point?? Right?? lol Do I only super-love this film because of Anthony Perkins and only Anthony Perkins? Um, yes. And...so what??? He's amazinggggggggggggg. But also when he's not on the scene there's some other stuff to laugh at to keep me occupied while mourning his absence. So, should this post be about all the non-Anthony things I liked about this movie? NO, FUCK NO. 

I think I'll just go the ~traditional~ route (in the spirit of the storyline of this stupid movie?!?!?!?) and just, ugh, recap...the...movie. 

So, Diana Ross plays Tracy and she's like a designer and maybe she works as a pattern sewer or something like that? Or, she works at Bloomingdales...dressing mannequins. I love how I've seen this movie like twelve gadillion times and don't actually know. ANYWAY, HER DREAM IS TO BE A DESIGNER. I think. Right? omg. I think she goes to like a fashion school while also working at Maybe Macy*s. It...doesn't matter because soon she's being wooed by Billy Dee Williams and he's some asshole politician and asshole politician's don't need no wife with like ambitions and shit, so Tracy can forget about all that Apex Technical Fashion Design School bullshit and working as the bitch that puts panties on mannequins at Maybe Nordstrom. 

Except, Tracy doesn't forget about it. Anthony Perkins' photographer character Sean shows up and starts working with Tracy. I think he sees her designing some mannequins and asks her to assist him with his shoots. And he's so ~white artiste~ about it, incorporating all the poor black people from the neighborhood in his high fashion shoots. His potrayal of this photographer dude is both super ridiculous and inappropriately on-point. And I love everything; all of it. Somehow, for some reason, Tracy ends up on the other side of the camera, as Sean's subject. Possibly at some point she's swanning around like a peacock, drapped in bright yellow (canary???) curtains??? Anyway, Sean asks Tracy to go to Italy with him. But Billy Dee Williams (Brian) is like I NEED YOU TRACY. To...help me...hang up signs??? 

Just imagine Billy Dee Williams as this

the entire time and never feel bad for him or ever be on his side. LIKE, EXCUSE ME, TRACY HAS DREAMS, TOO. Omg when he tells her about his fucking dinner and how he needs her to be there and she's like "You know I have class" and he basically is like "My shit is more important than yours". UM. Pause. Are we really supposed to, like, ship these two?? Brian is a fucking dick. And he doesn't care about anything Tracy has going on in her life. And it's not like this bitch is talking about a nail art design career or Instagram modeling or some shit like that. She has, like, legitimate goals that she has a real shot at achieving. And what the fuck is Billy Dee Williams even doing? Standing outside berating construction workers and getting cans of soda thrown at his head? LOL OKAY, YEAH, LET ME STICK AROUND HERE FOR THAT MESS INSTEAD OF GOING TO ITALY AND GETTING MY FASHION ON. Righrighririrightrriiiiiiiiight. 

So the night Brian expects Tracy at some dinner event thing, she dips out to Italy to go work with Sean. But not before going to Brian's campaign headquarters and telling his friend that she's leaving. And I feel like the friend sort of tries to shame her for leaving. WHY DOES NO ONE IN THIS MOVIE ACKNOWLEDGE THAT BRIAN IS A SELFISH DICK?? I feel like, maybe low-key it's hinted at, BUT THAT EFFORT IS COMPLETELY CANCELLED OUT BY THE MOVIE MAKING IT OUT LIKE TRACY'S SUCCESS DOESN'T MATTER WITHOUT A MAN IN HER LIFE, SO. 

And, jesus, what the fuck is up with the men in Tracy's life? She has Brian, who has possibly better hair than her; Sean, who is possibly gay, but definitely a sociopath (unrelated?); and that other dude. The French one. Um, does he maybe almost rape Tracy? If not, he definitely sort of expects her to fuck him for letting her live in his house and paying her medical bills and also paying for her fashion line and stuff. OKAY, SO, MAYBE THAT'S NOT REALLY RIDICULOUS. LIKE, SHE COULD AT LEAST GIVE THIS NIGGA A HANDJOB; MAYBE TWIRL A FEW OF HIS PUBES AROUND HER FINGER?? But seriously, this movie has an accidentally terrible view of men. And I'm depressed for Tracy that these are her only options. If it were me, I'd pick Sean every time. Because I'm into that abusey stuff, maybe? I mean, I have a lot of problems, so. But it's telling that I wouldn't pick someone like Brian, who is possibly worser than Sean? I mean, HE HAS A PERM. I don't think I could ever pick a French dude. They're too French-y. Am I Frenchist??? Francophobe??? No, like, I think French dudes are hot. But do I want to go half and half on a condo with one? NO. I won't get any of their jokes, and I'll never ever feel comfortable eating a hotdog in their presence. I'd eat a hotdog in Sean's presence, for sure. I'm hoping he'd want to photograph me eventually violently shitting it out a few hours later (because, let's be real, it's a chili dog, and it's not only one). 

Wow, what is this? What am I doing? I've veered way the fuck off. What happens after Tracy gets to Italy sigh. I like the moment when she gets out of the taxi and is trying to figure out how to tip that guy and he takes an extra bill out of her hand and she takes it back. That was funny hah haha ha. haaaa    ha

So Tracy becomes a huge model. Named Mahogany. Sean gives her this moniker. And his explanation is creepy and weird and fetishy and REDFLAG.ORG. But Tracy--Mahogany--is super-successful and looks super-cute and glam at all times. But also she's having a difficult time, I guess with being alone at the top, and not for anything she actually cares about. Like, great, she's a huge top-model, but she really wants to be a designer. So of course she starts trying to push her designs using her clout as a model. And Sean is all like LOL, NO. omg, any scenes with Sean trying to shoot down Tracy's design thing is sooooo fucking funny even though he's actually super horrible and I should be aghast at his behavior. Like omg when Tracy comes out on set and is wearing her own design. 

This^ thing. And I loved this shit. But Sean has an attitude because she's supposed to be wearing some other shit and how dare Tracy come out here with that mess AND SUDDEN NECKPIECE SNATCH. HE JUST SNATCHES THAT NECKPIECE THING OFF HER DRESS WITH ZERO CONCERNS FOR HOW FLIPPY HE APPEARS AND HOW OVER THE TOP RUDE IT IS TO BE RUINING A DRESS AND HOW NO ONE EVER DOES THAT EVER. YOU DON'T SNATCH A BITCH'S DRESS APART. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A MAN. AND ALSO ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE A DECENT, LEGITIMATE HUMAN BEING LIVING ON EARTH. OH MY. FUCKING. GODDDDDDDDDDDDD.  

It's truly a beautiful moment tho. And I also loved when Tracy is modeling in that show and comes out in her own horrible design

and everyone is laughing (deservedly so), but no one more so than Sean. Who, the--oh, there's like an auction thing, right? And Sean bids first and it's for like five dollars or some hilarious shit. HE IS SUCH A CUNT I CAN'T BREATHE. Who does that? Isn't Tracy your friend, Sean? LOL AREN'T THEY FRIENDS??! He is sooooooooo mean I love him plz never die. 

OH WAIT. NO. NEVER MIND. BECAUSE HE DOES. BECAUSE THE MOVIE KILLS HIM OFF PROBABLY FOR REALLY HORRIBLE REASONS I DON'T NECESSARILY FEEL LIKE ADDRESSING RIGHT NOW LOL. Like, lol, let's just pretend they didn't kill him off because he was obviously gay. And, like, a caricature of a gay. And a photographer. And a white person lol. Can.not.    will not. 

Do I want to address that scene where Billy Dee and Anthony are, like, tussling? lol no. 

Here's a blurry pic of it instead! No...no need for...any...words. Ugh, this movie is so obvious. 

So after they kill Sean off for preferring the brown eye over.........ugh. Tracy--oh, right. So, she has to heal from the accident because she was in the car with Sean when he tried to kill them WHICH IS ROMANTIC AS FUCK, BUT WHATEVER, MOVIE. The French dude, who played that guy in Lili who didn't fuck Leslie Caron and weirdly turned out to be way less creepy than the main dude who we are supposed to presume will fuck Leslie Caron who is like twelve years old in that movie?!?!?!? Um, anyway lol. The French dude puts Tracy up in his house and she heals and then he pays for her to have a sweatshop and lol she's like berating her workers. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO TAKE FROM THIS THAT TRACY NEEDS REAL LOVE IN HER LIFE SO SHE DOESN'T TURN INTO FUCKING HITLER? ugh.com/stopbeingsoobvious. 

Tracy becomes super successful as a designer but she's not happy because ugh. Like, are you serious, bitch? You're super rich and successful but you're sitting around moping about fucking Billy Dee Williams and his Just For Me-sponsored coiffure??? PPLEAAAAAAAASSSEEEE SPARRRRRRRE MEEEEEEEEEEE 

The French dude is all like "fuck me now for payment" and Tracy obliges but not really. Like, he's ~making his moves~ on her but she makes her body go limp and gets all corpsey so he stops. And then the dude is like "you don't really want to do this, do you?" HMM, WHAT EVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA???? Then Tracy is all 

For why????

For this^. 

No. 

NO.

 

I think maybe I really hate The Affair???

So, should I even mention the Globes wins? Eh. I was excited for Ruth, but the show winning as a whole? No. But as I said in my embarrassing ~I took notes while watching the Globes~ post, I haven't seen any of the other nominees in the category. Like, I'd totally buy The Affair is better than House of Cards or Game of Thrones or whatever because those shows look even more try-hard than The Affair. Or, oh...is the award for most try-hardiest? Then, yeah, The Affair win was totally an upset I bet. 

So, I have a lot of problems with this show. I must mention, though, that this was one of the few shows (new or old) last year that I was watching, like, ~on time~. I don't watch anything when it actually airs, I typically wait for later to watch it on OnDemand. But so many shows I've been taking like weeks and weeks to catch up on their episodes and then oops they've already expired and now I can't watch them unless I unfreeze my Hulu account which I definitely need to do because Hulu has k-dramas and regular TV doesn't and that is what hell is. But, ugh, ANYWAY. I was excited about The Affair. I was watching the episodes pretty quickly after they aired. I was...into it. But the longer it went on the more I was like: siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. This is one of those annoying shows that thinks it's way better than it actually is and...that's embarrassing. Because I'm just watching it distracted by how deep or insightful or some shit they think they're being when it's like: um, no. So many things that were supposed to have all this relevance I'm just like: Is this, like, classy Lifetime??? Like, is this that movie Leann Rimes did when she met her soulmate 4ver Eddie Cibrian? Is that this, except recast with British actors for some reason doing totally not really that good ~AmERiCan aCCent$~???? 

Remember when Alison told Noah about how her kid was dead and it was supposed to be like ~a moment~? I felt, while watching that scene, as dead inside as that kid is...outside. and inside, also. IT WAS SO FORCED. And omg before that when Noah was like to Alison: YOU WEAR YOUR PAIN ON YOUR SLEEVE. Um, yeah. YEAH. And how it was framed like he ~sees her~~~~~~~~~~~~~REALLY SEES HER~~~~~~~~~ VOMIT. I think that was the same episode and those two moments really stuck out to me as being super-bogus and I think that's when I started being like: *tilted head at all times* at the show. And that was like episode 3. And I was fighting my hate for a while. Until I think whatever episode it was when the summer ended and Noah and his horrid little family went back to the city. After that I was like, UGH, END ALREADY.

I hate all the characters. Well, maybe not Alison. I'm...I was rooting for her. But in that Tiffany/Tyra Banks sort of way. But the whole time it's like....Alison, why do you like Noah? Like, no, seriously. You're married to Joshua Jackson, who is super hot and has face scruff and you have that cool beach house and your kid is dead so you don't have that to worry about. You're livin' the dream! What does she actually see--CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE DIFFERENT VIEWS THING. HOW NOAH AND ALISON REMEMERED THINGS SO DIFFERENTLY IT WAS ALMOST LIKE ONE OF THEM WAS ACTUALLY MENTALLY INSANE (noah). What was that? It started to get real ridiculous in later episodes when they were remembering entirely different fucking events. Like, the last episode right? Where one remembers Joshua Jackson pulling a gun on himself AND THE OTHER ONE DOESN'T RECALL THIS AT ALL??? WHAT?? How...how does that work? Like, I think Noah remembered JJ threatening to shoot him. But Alison remembered JJ threatening to kill himself?? WHO JUST REMEMBERS ENTIRELY WHOLE BIG MAJOR DIFFERENT THINGS LIKE THAT HAPPENING? no. nonononnonon. No. 

(how does this turn into a shotgun plz explain)

So that was dumb. But let me get back to talking about how much I hated everyone except for maybe Alison. Noah and his entire Holocaust but in family form can go drown in a fire. Like, the wife, the...there were two random ~quirky~ little kids who thank god barely had any screentime - they can definitely die. The older son, whom I so deeply wanted to have a Getting Molested storyline - he could die just from that pretending to hang himself bullshit from episode 1 alone. AND THEN REMEMBER WHEN HE LET THAT HORSE GO?????? Fucking---I'll forgive him if it turns out he was being molested. IS IT JUST ME OR WERE THEY HINTING AT THAT???? BY THE GRANDFATHER, RIGHT?? omg. And that daughter. The writers...they were really pulling out all the stops here, I guess. Maybe...one of them has a daughter but they're too conservative or whatever to kill her. Like, we're not in Florida, you can't just kill your kid. Anyway, the daughter is...awful. It's almost comical. And what makes it even worse is how, like, doll-ish the actress is. It's very Patty McCormack in The Bad Seed maybe? Eventho Patty Mc looked like a goddamn devil, she also looked like one of those dolls. You know the ones. Those. Actually, now that I'm thinking about this, I wouldn't mind having a show just focusing on the daughter. She's a mess, and possibly that's interesting?? Maybe. Ugh, I'm totally watching season 2 even though I hate absolutely everything and apparently Noah and Alison end up together and Noah gets his book adapted into a shitty movie starring probably like Henry Cavill or some shit OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

Separate paragraph for my Noah hate? I'm biased, because I sort of hate Dominic West. Hated him in The Wire, hatedhated him in The Hour (and ooooh boy @ him getting a Globes nom over Ben r u fucking kidding me); hate him in this. I don't know what it is - something. His face? I don't. His voice, the way his lips move? He's off-putting to me and I just can't get into it. Would I have liked this more had maybe Joshua Jackson played the Noah part and Dominic played Cole? Maybe??? I'm not like a JJ ~fan~. I don't care about him. He actually might actually be a not even good actor. But...I feel like if you're trying to sell me a ~great romance~ that starts building on the foundation of fucking infidelity, you're going to need to give me two leads I can really get into and ship. You did not give me that here. JJ would have been an improvement for me, but there are tons of other actors you could've paired with Ruth, who I have no criticism for. Who would be my dream-cast for Noah? Someone...less smug-looking. But I guess you sort of have to have that look for the role of like a dude who thinks he's got The Next Great American Novel in him and is slumming it as a teacher. uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh

I just, hate everything. No, the theme song. I love the theme song. I wish this show was maybe just all Fiona Apple songs while Ruth Wilson is standing on the moors or whatever staring out mournfully towards the sea? OH MY GOD REMEMBER WHEN THEY TRIED TO PULL AN EDNA FROM THE AWAKENING AND HAVE ALISON FAUX-ATTEMPT TO DROWN HERSELF???? puh-lease. This show is so fucking try-hard I can't breathe. AND THE, LIKE, B-STORY PLOT ABOUT DRUG SMUGGLING OR SOME SHIT???? Alright. Someone take Hagai Levi's crayons away. It's past his bedtime. And that other one. There's a woman, too lazy to look it up. But I think they were both responsible for In Treament, which is another try-hard as fuck show. But...it's at least interesting. This show, when I'm not raging over how annoyed I am, might be really boring???? Well, save for whatever the fuck is going on with Mare Winningham, who sort of quietly killed it? Yes to whatever she's doing and much more of that in seas 2, which like I said, I'll be watching because I have no self-respect. And more Elvin from The Cosby Show pretending to read Infinite Jest. Can he get a spin-off? If you do that I'll forgive you for everything else. Who...who am I talking to?? 

(no, hug me. I've earned it. I wonder if Diane Kruger said exactly this after JJ forced her to watch all ten eps of this mess. Prob.)