Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling (1986)

What a bizarre fucking movie that revealed absolutely nothing about Richard Pryor. Or, Jo Jo Dancer. It's like, oh, you grew up in a brothel and your mom was a prozzy and your dad was supportive of your schooling but not your comedy and you struggled on the streets of fucking Ohio and then you got a gig at a burlesque...venue owned by mobsters whom you threatened so you had to leave town but then you had success and got really famous and collected a bunch of wives and some random kid apparently but whatever cuz drugs and then you set yourself on fire but you're okay now to make terrible autobiographical movies about your life that was probably way more ridiculous in actuality than anything that happened in the film aside from the laughable "special effects" where you play your own alter-ego and I could 1,000% tell that wasn't you in the bandages in one scene but okay. 

This...film...expounds on nothing. I watched this movie to get a lead-up explanation to why Richard Pryor set himself on fire. The legend is basically: drugs. And then the movie expounds further to be like: yeah, pretty much. Drugs. And Wings Hauser a little bit. CAN WE TALK ABOUT how this movie is like...way too sympathetic towards "Jo Jo Dancer"? He plays this goofy-faced innocent bullshit the entire movie and it's like: okay, drop the act. Especially once he leaves Ohio. Whatever, maybe that's just how Richard Pryor was. Though, I suspect, not really. The portrayal was not accurate, I conclude! But even if Pryor was some goofy-faced gee-shucks sort of dope - the movie still should've made some attempt to hold him responsible for shit? Like the thing with his white girl. Did they really break up because she...sort of participated maybe in a threesome? When she said "I thought it's what you wanted..." I was like, "bitch, me too, tf?" And, um, when the fuck did they have that kid? Why was their entire child completely glossed over? When was she raised, and by whom? Like. 

I'm annoyed this movie doesn't show you anything that's really going on with Jo Jo - like what's in his head. I mean, you give us an alter-ego and he's...he's useless primarily. It's almost like the alter-ego was used as a device to detach us even further from Pryor than naming his "character" Jo Jo fucking Dancer already did. What's "Jo Jo's" deal? Did he become a crackhead because his mommy was the actual definition  of a whore? Did he light himself on fire because he crashed Michelle's car that she got from that guy Greg or whomever? There are so many links missing. I'm wondering why this movie was even bothered with? Like I'm sure everyone was clamoring for some confessional after Pryor burned himself up. But all they got was this movie. If I was a fan of Pryor back in '86 and this shit came out I'd be like "ayo, wtf is this, pal?". This movie is on some One Direction: This Is Us documentary type bullshit where you learn absolutely zero about the subjects, but oh, look! a concert/stand-up routine! Coolio!! 

No.

Maybe I should go watch some Pryor stand-up instead. I don't think I've ever properly watched a whole set of his. Maybe I'll learn more there. Maybe he'll confirm that Wings Hauser was basically playing himself. Like in real life Pryor's real-life wife had a halfsies sort of threesome with him and hopefully Eartha Kitt. No threesome should be without a hypothetical Eartha Kitt sandwiched in the middle. I'm happier now that I'm thinking about an Eartha Kitt sandwich. There's like avocado and sriracha. What's the bread? Pumpernickel? Why...why would it be that? Lowkey though pumpernickel is pumperpoppin ya feel me????! 

:(

fuck

The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds (1972)

For some reason I was expecting this to be really terrible. Or, not terrible, because nothing Joanne Woodward is involved in could ever be terrible - it's just...I had some idea of this movie, that wasn't...like a good one. I thought it'd be one of those insane movies from the seventies that sort of exploit women while accidentally giving them good roles to play but yet the movies are really horrible and wrong and bad??? Do you know those types of movies??? Like A Woman Under the Influence remixed with like...Trog diluted with Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? smashed into The Baby??? 

You know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds isn't that. Whatever that is. This movie is almost...like...masterpieceish?? Like it's really good. Joanne Woodward is insane and horrible and super-funny and she delivers an amazing performance and I'm just sitting here watching this like "Wtf?" - like amazed it's really great and I'm having a good time? Because, like, so many movies are terrible and I watch so many and I get so. tired. of badness, you know? So I just go in every time expecting, at least, much mediocrity. Sometimes I get surprised and it's only a little mediocrity, with some good bits thrown in. But Gamma Rays was turned the fuck up from beginning to end and I was just...sigh, really glad. 

So my queen Joanne plays this woman named Beatrice Hunsdorfer. In high school they used to call her Betty "The Loon" Frank. Lol, um, were you even trying? Come on. And it's SO FUNNY when later in the film her daughter Ruth is mocking Betty by yelling the high school nickname at her. She's all "Betty the Loon!! Betty the Loon!!" which...for some reason?...upsets Betty? Lol that nickname is mad dumb and who's still hung up on some shit that happened in high school - like Betty is at least in her forties?? But I guess it's totally so Betty to still be hung up on high school shit, and it's just...so small town mentality in general, I guess? And she's clearly insecure and unhappy about her station in life and so I guess it makes sense but omg that nickname is so unimaginative and not even really hurtful. Like, maybe they were just calling her a "loon" cuz she wore those feathers?? 

Speaking of wearing feathers. So, like, I love Betty. Well...sigh, up until she murders that bunny and just...her whole disrespect of Matilda in general really pissed me off. Okay, so, what was her deal with Matilda? It was because Matilda was smart, right? Wow I'm clearly not Matilda because I'm just sitting here stating the obvious like it's some huge revelation. Totally, she's jealous of Matilda's bright future. Like, Matilda's gonna go get that sweet STEM degree and get the fuck out of that town and Betty knows it and is being a hater. Which is...sad. Why are you like this, Betty? Nurture and encourage Matilda so she'll break you off a piece of that ca$h mone¥ rocket scientist moola in the future! Or at least she'll buy you a nice, cozy room in an old folks' home. Are you even thinking?! You're driving both of your kids away and they're like...the only people you have on Earth so like hello?? 

Betty was nicer to Ruth, tho. Why? Because Ruth is more likely to get pregnant and stay home and force Betty to help raise her horrible children? So, maybe that's why Betty shades Matilda? Cuz she has that guarantee Ruth will always be around? I'm trying to figure out what...Betty's motivations were for going to the science fair. Like...did she genuinely want to be there for Matilda, or...was it about--Like she was so worried about what she would say and how she would wear her hair or whatever and it's like...it's not about you. So I'm confused if she was just nervous about being seen so publicly when her self-esteem is quite low but genuinely wanted to support Matilda, or...mmmmmmm idk because she did not support Matilda at all when she was growing the flowers, so it's hard to get in the mind-frame that she was just going to see her daughter present a project she didn't even care about. Like it was all about The Betty Show and sigh why do I always love super-horrible characters? WHO KILLS THEIR KID'S PET RABBIT?! Like, you're making it really hard for me to stan for you Betty, come on. 

So anyway good job Paul Newman. This shit was poppin' and on point and like wow you should've directed super more. With this and Rachel, Rachel...like it's clear you had talent. But more importantly, you had a great muse in Joanne and ugh it's just super cute for a husband to be directing his wife in stuff and it's mad good. I'm never reading any autobiographies written on them - I'm 100% certain it'll ruin these movies for me. Like they'll talk about how Paul snapped at Joanne or something or like she asked for a diet coke and he was like "ugh get it yourself". I don't want to know that Joanne Woodward likes Diet Coke. Also I'm thinking I shouldn't watch the version of The Glass Menagerie they did together? Like there's a good chance it might be bad and then I'll have to feel weird about being GOOD DIRECTING P. NEW! This is the first and last time I'll refer to Paul Newman as...P. New...

Anyway, I took some screenshots while watching this shit. They're shitty cuz I watched this on youtube. Don't sleep on youtube movies. They have all kinds of crazy shit on there ugh look watch everything get pulled. Pretty sure the first rule of youtube movies is don't talk about youtube movies sigh. Okay, but real quick: Why is their daughter named Nell Potts??...

Their house is mad disgusting and Beatrice is shout-out for advertising a room in that dump. Why is everything like, brown? It's all inhospitable and shit lol she's a mess. 

This was when Beatrice and Ruth were looking across at that old woman in the window. This was so funny because Beatrice is like "She's been sitting in the exact same spot for three days! She never moves!" I was dying because I assumed it'd turn out she was dead and then the camera flashes to the old woman and I'm screaming because she looks honestly deceased and then she moves and like...the disappointment in Betty is soooo funny. Just...this whole bit was way too amusing and I guess it was the point I decided I was in love with this movie? Or was I already in love at the beginning when Joanne was trying on those wigs in the store - I just didn't know it yet? How did this movie get no Oscar love? Smh the academy is fucking useless 

Betty bothering this neighbor dude was so cringey. I'm just like "stoppppppp". And omg when they were tossing that ratty ass wig back and forth - omg, Betty, please! She's so tragic sometimes. (Sometimes??) And I love how him rejecting her advances makes him a "homo" in Betty's mind. Lol, like yeah, he's not into you - must be a queerbo. Who flirts with a dude by weirdly trying to force him to try on some gross dollar store wig you bought?! You have NO GAME, Betty, that's the problem. Though, he could be a homo. I mean, Betty might be hard-up, but...she's still pretty hot in that robe - what's he playin' at?? 

Nell Potts is really cute and looks exactly like her parents (UM, DUH!!!). She plays shy too well - I wonder if that was just her in real life? I wonder why her name is Nell Potts. Also can we talk about how I thought her teacher was gonna start molesting her? This movie actually turned out to be way more depressing than I thought it was gonna be, but I'm glad the teacher actually seemed to not be a creep eventho there was definitely that weird moment of him telling one of the students to "close the door" so he could start...touching them? Idk, I think I blanked most of that memory out. Mostly he was supportive and a good teacher!! 

I should've known Betty was gonna kill that rabbit when she spilled beer on it in this scene. It was so casual and for no reason. Why do you hate bunnies, Betty? 

This was when "Nanny" moved in and Betty was screaming at top volume in her face. Omg Joanne  Woodward was so funny here. "Want some water and honey, Nanny?!" or whatever she was shouting directly into this old woman's eyeballs. Idk, but I was in tears - she is a true piece of mess. Also why does honey and water sound so depressing? Because it is? Like at least...make it tea and honey? Come on, Nanny, have some standards. And what was up with Eli Wallach in a wig and her thing about the old people? I guess cuz they always died in the house?

Joanne killing me endlessly in this movie. Her loud talking to Nanny and being like "who ever thought i'd be feeding water and honey to a zombie" omg and then "reading" Nanny her cards. I love how excited Nanny got when Betty gave her a good reading. Ugh, I love this movie so much???

Are the dead old people...why Eli Wallach in a wig had those seizures? It looks like she was suffering from PTSD but also epilepsy? Does one trigger or off-set the other?? It seemed like...idk. She definitely had this real fear of old people near-death, but I'm wondering where that came from? I guess just being afraid of death in general? Oh, and the dad died - maybe that has something to do with it? If you're really afraid and you have epilepsy, does your stress trigger an attack? I guess? I mean, Google is your friend, dummy. 

This was funny and Ruth is a mess. Apple from tree, etc.? But omg when Beatrice figured out Ruth had basically been mocking her at school...like I felt bad for Betty. But at the same time it's like her own fault? I mean, like it's her own fault her kid would go to school and mock her. Like, duh, of course any kid of hers would. But I also feel like she should feel...flattered. She's dynamic and interesting enough of a personality for her kid to...act as her in theater class? Sounds pretty cool. I mean, you can't get Mommie Dearest without being a crazed harridan, you know? Well behaved women...rarely make history...???

What was this from, why did I cap this? lol ummmm maybe when she was on the phone with Matilda's teacher? She was going off on that nigga and I felt pleasured in my body. I also loved her earlier phone scenes when she was trying to sell shit. I can't believe someone gave Beatrice one of those phone jobs. Clearly there wasn't much of an interview lol she's all crass and aggressive with the potential customers. Gpoy, tho. 

What was this weird ass girl's name? I forgot but the fact that everyone at school thought she like skinned a cat and boiled it alive was funny. She was all "contrary to popular belief, the cat was already dead before I did a bunch of weird shit to it" and then she like...giggled or smirked or?? This little bitch was weird. Look at that cat skeleton. She totally boiled it alive.

Yo. I really...I really thought this was so fucking funny. How you gon' just drop the old bitch off?Especially when the dude said Nanny's daughter was not even home, but in Atlantic City? Betty's like, "Tell her daughter to take care of her!". The landlord dude is like "She's gone for a month! Take this old bitch back!! You're scaring me - I'll call the health department!!!" Like in real life this entire situation is horrifying and terrible but omfg if I did not get my entire life. And then Betty there in her like glittery turban - jesus, perfection. 

What was the quote? "My heart is full of love" or something? Was Betty being fake or did she genuinely mean it? Both? It was like she was preparing for an acceptance speech before the science fair, and then when she gets there on the actual day, drunk and late as fuck, she says it and...idk it just seemed real and like she meant it. But I think maybe any true, pure intentions were cancelled out by the fact that she was drunk...and late? And also prior had just killed Matilda's bunny??? Hmm...

:/ I was so upset! I'm not even an animal lover I think animals are gross and spawns of the devil, but, ugh. And poor Matilda. How could you be so cruel to her I don't get it she's so quiet and well-behaved. Like, I could see if Betty killed something of Ruth's lol, but sweet angel Matilda? SHE SCRATCHED YOUR BACK FOR YOU, BETTY, YOU BITCH! 

Oh that was my last cap. I couldn't take a screenshot of anything going on in the very ending. It got real dark, real quick. Lol what am I talking about when I took a cap of Matilda finding her murdered pet on her goddamned bed? Like, please. But it got even sadder when she slowly walked outside with the corpse and like gently laid it down before Betty? THAT FUCKING KILLED ME ARE YOU SERIOUS WITH THIS MOVIE. AND THEN IT JUST ENDED WITH MATILDA SITTING SOMBERLY ON THE STAIRS?!?! Wtf it's so sad. But like really good. 10/10 would recommend. 

Hot Mess Express, Next Stop: Maps to the Stars (2014)

ugh

Um. 

I...idk. 

I almost made this a Masterpiece of Shit Theater episode, but...there was something very not masterpiece about how shitty this movie was. Hence the new category: Hot Mess Express ugh kill me die. Also, the movie wasn't...as shitty as it could be, despite an actual character setting themself on fire and it looked as fake as that CGI in Jo Jo Dancer, Your Life Is Calling. There were also at least two Degrassi cast members here and...like...like I don't like seeing "actors" from Degrassi in real movies because it's like real world human beings acknowledging that show as something legitimate, which it very much is not. If Degrassi is on your resume, you don't have a resume as far as I'm concerned no shade I love you Degrassi but you're terrible let's keep it 100%. 

AlsoAlso! This movie was too fucking Canadian for my tastes. Like, it was supposed to be about Hollywood and all that bullshit, right? Which is very ~American EAGLE SOUNDS REGANOMICS UNITED STATES~~. However, this movie was just...so not Americany. First of all, a lot of the actors were not American. Like out of everyone, only Julianne Moore and John Cusack--who looks Canadian or like an Asian doing Michael Myers cosplay--were American? And then you have Mia Wasikowska doing her ~ameRican ACCent~ sounding very like posh Valley Girl? What is that? I mean, I guess?? Maybe the Weiss fam was supposed to be Canadian? Because like Benjie was modeled after Justin Bieber, right? Fine, but ugh. Fine. The Weiss family can be expats because Hollywood is full of them and I guess that's very. But miss me with the name Havana Segrand. Like, that's so Canadian. American movie stars have like okie doke ass names. Brad, Ben, George. Wait those are all dudes. Who's a woman star? Angelina Jolie. Hmmm okay that's...sort of French. Angelina's excused tho cuz she's Hollywood royalty and of course she wouldn't have a proper name! Oh...wait...so was Havana...I guess...what with her mom being like some indie acting legend or whatever bullshit. Okay, so, I guess. But okay why was her ~rival~ named Starla Gent? And she looked so...so Canadian and redheaded gah idk everything just seemed so off. Like Bizarro World America, which is how all Canadian productions seem and I could just tell this was made by a Canadian okay and it was just fucking off. But maybe that was the point? Don't ever have that be the point. 

This movie was a fucking mess from beginning to end. I enjoyed some aspects, though. Like, I thought there were some legit funny moments. Like Benjie calling that little kid actor a "piece of shit". Benjie in general was sort of really killing me in a mostly good way? S I GH. Also I died screaming when Stafford started punching his daughter in the gut. WHO...WHO DOES THAT?! HE JUST STARTED PUNCHING HER IN THE STOMACH I'M SCREEEEAAAMINNNNG. I thought it was very white people and Hollywood of Stafford and Christina the way they reacted to their daughter. Christina being "scared" of Agatha? Lol um. Okay, yeah, she set the house on fire. But she was eleven. And deranged. Like, I get being afraid, but she was also a kid and also your daughter and like who just sends their kid off to a mental asylum and never visits them wtf?? Or did they feel guilty about Agatha being a product of incest and...like just didn't want those bad vibes around messing up their...neat little situation? Also, what was up with the incest stuff?? I love incest stuff (sometimes), but here it was weird. Like it was called out in the movie "Oh, incest is so tired!", but then...there were like threads of it all over the actual film??? And yeah, you're right, it is tired. Nothing new was being done here so...like was it a satire about...incest themes or?? I felt like Cronenberg was trying to do something....wait - was he implying...Hollywood is the way it is because...everyone's...in some way a product or victim of incest? Lol, sure. Fine. I'll buy it. 

I sort of loved Julianne Moore here, I think. I haven't seen Still Alice yet, but lowkey I feel like she should've won the Oscar for this mess instead of that. Like, she was doing everything, and it was sort of amazing. She played Havana sort of like if Lindsay Lohan lives past forty. Though, Havana seems to have slightly more clout than Lindsay. Like, she's getting auditions and getting considered for things, at least. And she doesn't seem to be a crackhead. I mean, in spirit, yes, but never once in the movie does she inhale crack drugs. I think. Does she? No, right? Probably coke at least. And like diarrhea tablets from Whole Foods? What are...diarrhea tablets, sweetie :)?

I liked Mia, too. I mean, I always do, I think. She's intriguing. I'm confused about everything concerning her character, though. First of all, why was everyone acting like she was some psycho insane burned up ass freak? Like, she was, but not to the extent everyone was acting? Like her burns weren't even that bad? I would just mistake it for bad skin? But the dude on the set of that sci-fi show is like GET SOME COLOR ON YOUR UGLY ALIEN MAKEUP. lol, please and no. And then Havana asks Robert Pattinson's skull what's in it for him, romancing Agatha? And it's like...um, sex and she's cute? Like??? She's not fucking Rocky Dennis - what is everyone's damage? 

Okay and like what was that shit with her brother? Was she in love with him? And what was that chant thing they kept saying? And what was the whole tie-in when they got "married" at the end? And there was like a "map" to the stars HAHA GET IT. No, seriously, what was the entire actual fucking point of this movie? Clearly, many things went over my head. Do you think if I tweeted at Carrie Fisher and asked her "wtf??" she'd explain things? I don't want her to like...invite me to her house, though. What if she plays me "Hearts and Bones" and explains in a "comical" and "poetic" way about how Paul Simon wouldn't let her do anal on him? Sigh, I think...I'll...just go to my grave not knowing (or, caring, really) wtf this movie was trying to say. I'm good.

Breezy (1973)

This movie could've been way worse than it was. Just going off the plot summary I read, "Breezy is a teen-aged hippy with a big heart. After taking a ride with a man who only wants her for sex, Breezy manages to escape. She runs to hide on a secluded property where stands the home of a middle-aged divorced man, Frank Harmon. Frank reluctantly takes Breezy in only to fall unexpectedly in love with her.", this could've gone very, very wrong. Not, like, he rapes and kill her wrong. But just, old dude creeps on a vulnerable, dippy little girl, wrong. You know? It very seemed like the type of movie a man would make, and I was rolling my goddamn eyes before I even saw the film. Why, then, did I proceed to watch it? Because hate fuels me, darling. Hate fuels me. 

However, I almost was completely non-disgusted watching this. It was actually a cute ass little movie. I credit that to William Holden and Kay Lenz. I think...the script wasn't perfect. It was actually a little twee, a little arrogant, and a lot ridiculous. But William Holden and Kay Lenz played their characters really well and were likable and cute despite the fact that manic pixie hippie girl and old, grumpy bachelor aren't really...totally...known for being, like, charming roles to play. Like the old bachelor is always a douche and the manic pixie hippie is totally cringey every time. But here Holden and Lenz make these 2D characters not grating at all and that was totally full-tit boogie, man. (sorry). I mean, Kay Lenz at one point is wearing like skin tight brown velvet bellbottoms and she looks totally cute. SINCE WHEN EVER HAS ANYONE EVER LOOKED CUTE IN THAT MONSTROSITY I JUST DESCRIBED?? And Billy Holden is like old as fuck but mad sexy anyway??? However I was def disgusted at one point when they were about to ~make love~. Which is why up there I had said almost completely not-disgusted. Kay Lenz is supposed to be like eighteen or some shit in this movie. And William Holden is a fucking thousand. No, girl. But soooo cute when at the end William Holden goes to get her at the park and he's like "I'll give it a year" about their relationship and Kay Lenz (ugh, Breezy) gets all excited like, "Wow, a whole year!". She's like the cutest thing ever and I want to die and this movie was cute even though it made me feel weird and uncomfortable, but whatever, the seventies, right?? Viva la vie!! (lol does that mean anything? Also I think that might be more than one language. Like, french and spanish and maybe italian??? Avant guard.) 

Random thoughts (shut up this whole blog and your whole life is a random thought smh): 

-Roger C. Carmel as Frank's "friend" Bob Henderson was...I can't decide if I loved or hated him. Like, he was the worst, always going on about how he wished he could cheat on his wife but was too afraid, and just in general being hugely irritating. However, I thought he was really funny. Like when his wife makes some snarky comment to him at a party and he turns to Frank all loud like, "SPEAKING OF BITCHES!" - I screamed. That shit was so funny and he was a mess. 

-What is Clint's opinion on hippies? It's so weird to watch any Hollywood film where hippies feature prominently, because you know no actual hippie ever had enough money or clout to make their own shit and tell their own story. So sometimes you get movies from pretend hippies like those Easy Rider guys who make movies representing their ~squad~ and showing the folks in the flyover states what it's like to live off the grid and wear patchouli oil or whatever. With Breezy I couldn't tell, though, if Clint was like one of those fake-hippies, or if he was already full-tit Republican boogieing at this point and identified more with the William Holden character. I guess he was trying to take no sides, though? Especially when William Holden barely resists Breezy at all and eventually takes to her completely. Though he still sort of throws shade at how she lives and the people she knows, so idk. No, I think he was trying to tell the story from an objective standpoint. Because eventho negative criticisms about the hippie lifestyle are brought up a lot, the entire character of Breezy sort of...she's like rubber and those opinions are glue, for the most part, and just what she represents and how she behaves is so optimistic and positive that I don't see Clint trying to paint a bad image of that lifestyle. But also I don't see him supporting it, either, what with the criticisms being sort of valid and her character never, like, converting William Holden. Having him wear like moccasins and shit or whatever. But maybe this movie is totally anti-hippie because...doesn't William Holden like save her at the end? No...no, right? She totally saved him! Sigh if only I were dead and could just finally stop trying to utilize the lint ball I have for a brain. Final answer: Clint is team no one. I think that much is obvious.

-

This was so cute and I would have cried had I not lost the ability to long ago due to numbing and rot of the soul

But, ayo, what was up with the dog's face the entire movie? He was mad shocked and confused every time the camera went to him like, "WHERE THE FUCK AM I HELP ME HELLO1!!!!??!!?" 

Like...at one point he is panic-faced and literally trying to escape from William Holden's house. Slip this beast some doggie xanax, asap. 

-

Is that Clint Eastwood? Lol, who does he think he is - Alfred Hitchcock or any other director who inserts a cameo of themselves into their movie? Hmm???

-

Remember when Frank was brushing cotton candy off Breezy's tit and that little boy was watching with like a sickened look on his face?? I am he and he is me.

-

-_-

Rapture (1965)

So what is with Patricia Gozzi and these movies where she's like eight years old having romances with grown ass dudes?? Hm?? Okay, no, there's like two of them. But, straight-up, more than zero movies where a grown dude fucks a little girl is zero too many, you feel me?!!?

She doesn't fuck Hardy Krüger in Sundays and Cybele, right? They just...like...cuddle or something equally as gross but not as illegal?? Fine. BUT SHE DEFINITELY FUCKS OL' BOY IN RAPTURE. She and Dean Stockwell DEFINITELY HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. And the whole time I'm like "lol how old is she...?" Only to have it be vaguely revealed towards the end of the film that she's only like fifteen or some shit, right? Or am I confusing her character's age for how old Patricia the actress was?? Idk, but it's fucking suspicious. Like even if Agnes is eighteen in the movie (which I doubt), she's still clearly...like...not totally all there in the head. So it's messed up, and instead of thinking this shit is beautiful or romantic you just made me think Dean Stockwell was mad creepy. I was fine with him murdering a dude, but statutory rape sort of crosses the line. But definitely not being explicit about Agnes' age totally helped, so good on! 

Anyway! Rapture concerns the story of a man and his loco daughter and their caretaker living in some house and then some sexy, like, criminal on-the-lam interrupts their stale little lives and all hell breaks loose, but that was bound to happen anyway, whether Dean Stockwell rolled through or not. Melvyn Douglas plays the daddy and it's weird seeing him in a movie where his daughter is like, ultra-French. And then the caretaker, played by Gunnel Lindblom, has her Swedish accent and Melvyn's just shuffling about like some WWI war vet or something - idk, it was just a weird juxtaposition of different...like nationalities all thrown together. And Melvyn Douglas is so stodgy. How did he even meet Agnes' mom, who I'm assuming was French and like cool and beautiful? Maybe during war times so he seemed appealing to her in his like uniform with some medals on it and shit? I guess! But then even when Frederick is talking about Agnes' mom he straight-up says she never loved him. I guess ol' boy used to be monied up, because there's no other reason why Agnes' cool French mom would have been interested in stuffy ass, sweater-wearing Frederick, let's keep it real!! 

Frederick has two daughters, right? In the beginning one is getting married off and then we never see her again. Cool. Agnes is the younger one, and she is, I guess, a lunatic? Like, I don't get what Agnes' thing was. She was very immature-seeming. However, the movie doesn't give you an age for her, so it's hard to gauge, like, how off she really is. Like, is she just ~French~~ and ~*~carefree~~ but she has this very Republican-seeming American dad who's like, YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED UP AND CONTROLLED!! NO YOU CAN'T HAVE A SCARECROW!!? Idk. She definitely seemed like, too immature for someone who looked at least teenage-age. Too, like, temper-tantury or something. Like the thing with the scarecrow. How...she genuinely was talking to it like it was real? And then she thought it came to life in the form of Dean Stockwell??? Hmm @ you, Agnes. Hmm @ you. Also how she reacted when she caught Gunnel and Dean making out in that shed. Like, she legit was trying to murder Gunnel with that shovel. That is not...totally normal behavior. And then when she went off with Dean and he gave her his whole paycheck to go find a room for them to live in and she ended up...throwing all the money away?? She was, at least, entirely incompetent of taking care of herself, which I guess it like one of the big symptoms of being a loon??? I don't know, I really wish whatever was wrong with her was more clearly explained. I am the sort of person who needs things completely spelled out for me - give me a diagnosis!! It's weird I don't love the ending to Psycho where the whole plot is entirely explained in some long, horrible monologue by that doctor. That's like one of the worst movie endings I have ever seen, and yet, that's exactly the sort of ending I need for almost every movie I see. Hmm. 

Anyway, here are some screenshots I took of the movie that I will comment on and it won't be an analysis of the plot or anything I'll prob just talk about how pockmarks on dudes are really sexy or something horrible and disgusting like that :')

I'm screaming. That shit was so. fucking. funny. when he threw her doll. It was mad unnecessary. However, I got my entire fucking life. So, thanks. Thanks for that. 

yo

This shit is mad scary. I guess--ha--I guess that's why they call it a scarecrow haha. Ha...

The funny thing about this^ scene was Agnes kept glancing back at it while she was changing her clothes or something. Almost as if the scarecrow was...watching her get dressed...and she liked it???? Oh, girl...

Dean Stockwell is soooo cute!! Please!! Look at his eyebrows!! Wait - but where am I getting pockmarks from? In my head he has like these baby acne scars. Like, baby Edward James Olmos cheeks. However, I see zero of that here?? Hmmm. Whatever, still cute. But also a murderer and statutory rapist - never forget. I mean, he was in the movie. And also, let's be honest, probably in real life. They all are. The whites. But so cute!!!!!

Agnes staring at What'shisface was super creepy but also really cuWHAT THE FUCK IS THAT DOLL?!!?!?

THIS WAS BEFORE THEY EVER FUCKED. I should've known they were going to get down to business just based off this^. WHY ARE THEIR FACES SO CLOSE? This was like the first night Dean turned up at the house. Literally he like washed up at their house in a rainstorm and they picked his wet stranger body up and like put him in one of their beds???? Smh, white people, like. YOU DON'T KNOW THIS DUDE!!!! But like, they knew he was a criminal?????? And then later he's like stealing money from Frederick and Freddie is all "Why didn't you just ask?!" Cuz he's a criminal, dummy. Well, to be fair, he just murdered a guy, which is in a different category than thief, but, like, if you can kick up the courage enough to straight-up end a dude's life, what's snatching a few schillings or whatever the currency was in this vaguely set movie? WHERE DOES THIS MOVIE TAKE PLACE? Up your fucking ass, that's where!

HE'S SO CUTE LOOK! Was this when he was watching Agnes like writhe around (sexily??) on the floor? 

...yep... And the whole time Dean is so bemused by her. I never thought he'd have sex her. I guess he was just like "fuck it" when Gunnel left? But...Gunnel asked him to go with her and he didn't? Was it cuz he was afraid of getting caught by the police, or did he legit wanna stay with Agnes and her father in their creepy, sad house? Lol, def it was cuz he was afraid of getting snatched by the police. And so he's stuck on this island with these two freaks and he's like - okay, I have to fuck somebody, who's it gonna be: the crazy child woman, or, like, her dad and his sweaters? I'd choose Agnes, too, ngl. Melvyn Douglas is just not fucking doing it for me. Agnes and her never-washed sweater dress, however, unfortunately, is. SIGH.

When they were frolicking on the beach it was sort of cute :/

But thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn :/

Dean like diving over the cliffs to escape the cops WAS SO LIKE WHEN MELVYN TOSSED AGNES' DOLL OVER THE CLIFF AND IT LANDED ALL BROKEN. DEAN IS AGNES' DOLL. AND ALSO THE SCARECROW??? 

Idk, anyway, it was really sad? Like I make fun of this movie, but it was sad. And sort of good? Like eventho a grown man fucked a child and Melvyn wore those sweaters - I...had a good time? Well, not a good time. But it was an intriguing watch, and I would recommend...others watch...it...too. Lol, this is not that sort of blog. 10/10 would recommend Eger and RpoerT!! Who do I think I am - Pauline Kael? If she's dead, then, I wish. (I wish I was dead, I mean.) (That's me being the doctor dude at the end of Psycho explaining things to your simple, non-absorbent ass brain.) 

Next of Kin (1982)

The Internet Movie Database page for this movie tells me Next of Kin is considered an "ozploitation" film, and I'm so upset I am just now learning that word. It's so perfect to describe literally, like, every fucking Australian horror film I've ever seen. Actually, honestly, every Australian film, period. Every Australian film totally exploits this really horrible image I have of what Australia is like in my mind. But it can't be all that bad. I mean, sweet, glue-colored Nicole Kidman is from there. Nicole Kidman can't be from a place that is essentially the Deep South meets the Ozarks meets gigantic fucking mutant spiders. Nicole Kidman is very English Rose and I just refuse to believe she's from a place that's like only prarire land and their dogs eat fucking babies like it's just some shit you do. 

Next of Kin isn't really exploity, totally. I actually...wish it were...more. Because this shit was hella boring. I guess it does exploit how...fucking boring so many Australian films are?? That's like, a cliché about Australia, right? Their movies are super-boring and not-likable??? Like how are you going to make a film about a mob family and it's dry as hell??? (Lookin' at you, Animal Kingdom). Oh and that movie with all the girls at the boarding school and one disappears. That's a horror film?? I'm falling asleep - come on!! 

Next of Kin at least tried to be...a horror film. But, like, not really. It was just...not...scary or interesting or...anything. It just wasn't. Oh, some old people are drowning in tubs?? Okay what else is new lol like. I just was really bored. I need my horror films to turn the fuck up. Next of Kin did the opposite of turn the fuck up. It turned the fuck down and took an extended wellness rest which we folks here in America refer to as a goddamn coma, bitch. WAKE UP!!!

Idk. Maybe I'm just salty because I actually thought this movie was something else. I was looking for another movie called Next of Kin. I think it's like a Swedish or Polish film or something. And I thought this was that. It...wasn't. Why did I continue to watch this when I realized it was the wrong movie? Fuck, idk. The main actress was really pretty, I guess? For an Australian. Was she even an Aussie, tho? She sounded prim as fuck. Do the 1% in Australia just speak with English accents? Australia was colonized, right? So...like they used to all have English accents?? Okay, but, this movie takes place in like 1982. Shouldn't...idk, man. I don't feel like getting into politics right now. But can we talk about how aborigines are treated there??? No, this isn't that type of blog. Also, I don't actually know how they're treated. But...it seems...overtly--like they're overtly discriminated against and hmmmm. Hmmm @ you Australia. 

Anyway! Here's a handful of screencaps I took of the movie. They explain almost nothing about the film. G'day, mate. ugghgugugh

I don't know who this dude is. I think maybe he was one of the old people boarders in the house? Idk, who cares. Not me. I took this screenshot because this dude, whoever the fuck he is, had like a koala...dummy. He was like moving its head and stuff. It looked really creepy and weird and I laughed and I was already bored so soon into the movie and so this screencap exists, you're welcome thank you

Why did I screencap this? Ugly crying, perhaps? Oh! no! this was when...she met her dead aunt, right? That was actually sort of creepy. But only because the actress playing the aunt...looked creepy. Not that...she was like a ghost or whatever. Was she a ghost? Who cares? N o t  m e .

Who was this boy? I thought he was the main chick's brother? Like he was there at the beginning, but then completely disappeared five minutes in and we don't see him again until she goes to the diner and he's there all by himself? Why is this boy alone by himself--like is he manning the diner? So confused. And yet...I don't actually even really care. Hmm. 

This was when that truck was like slowly barreling through the diner. Everything was like in slow-mo. It was really funny. However, I wish I was dead.

Oh, it was a van.

YO. WHO WAS THIS DUDE? And he came out of nowhere attacking the main bitch. Like, we first see him and he's bringing his grandma or some shit to the boarding house, right? And he's like giving googly eyes to the main bitch? And then we get little glimpses of him from time to time being around the house??? And then at one point we see him on the road and he's trying to honk at the main bitch? OKAY BUT WHO WAS HE AND WHY WAS HE TRYING TO KILL HER, LIKE???? I don't think it's even a case of me not paying attention (which is totally plausible come on), I just think...this movie was just randomly throwing shit at the wall and shrugging like "I guess?" even though literally nothing was sticking?? Like, how Australian of you. What an Australian way to go about making movies. Good on!

Why did the diner look like a little miniature model toy thing? But then the camera pans down and main bitch and that random boy are walking out the front door?? Lol and "Roadside Diner". How Australian of you. I bet their grocery marts are just named like "Store". Hospitals are like "Hospital". Brothels are like "Sex House" - you get it. 

Kill me

East of Eden (1955)

James Dean plays an adorable sweater-wearing stalker in this movie, and I don't get why people always go on and on about Rebel Without a Cause when East of Eden exists. I love Rebel, it's just...not the James Dean movie for me, you know? The cutest and best thing about that movie is Sal Mineo. How can someone's favorite James Dean movie be The Sal Mineo is Adorable & Gay LOOK AT HIS NOSE OMG Show? Come on. East of Eden is all James Dean flopping around in some highly rippable little beige sweater, being his most James Deaniest. East of Eden needs to be your quintessential James film come on you idiots. It's all him!!

That's not to say, though, that other actors don't turn the fuck up to eleven here. I used to not like Raymond Massey's performance in this, but the more I watch the movie, the more I love him. Like when he's talking about Kate and he's like "...she had such...beautiful...hands. .........Her mother had arthritis...she was always afraid she'd get it...in her...hands." Lol it's soooo, it's just so extra. It's all stilted and drawn out. Like some depressing, old timey Palmolive dish soap commercial or something. I love it and it's my favorite thing to mock from the movie. Which is saying a lot, because Jo Van Fleet is in this shit. 

Jo Van Fleet is SO. EXTRA. I love the gloves; I love how she's queen of the brothel bitches; I love how she says "RAAAANCH". It's such a beautiful, horrifying performance - one that prompts me to watch this movie as often as possible so I can memorize her lines and imitate it to a t. "You're a good looking boy"; "RAAAANCH"; her looking away when Cal stares at her too intently - ugh she's so great! Like, I mock her every move and line, but only because I love and want to be her - no shade at all. 

Can I get a just Kate movie? And it's called Just Kate! ??? It's annoying that Jo Van Fleet is probably dead. It's annoying she's not still alive at like probably 127 years old and can't revive the Kate character. This imaginary movie not happening is the bane of my fairly baneful ass existence. I miss Tom Hardy. 

So, anyway! Julie Harris I really love. Which is weird because this movie was my first exposure to her, and isn't Abra...sort of annoying?? Like, un poquito, claro? With the bangs and humblebragging and how she's sort of rude and points at all of Cal's ~éthñīć~ girlfriends, saying shit like "What are girls like that like? Do they fuck good? Do they take ten dicks at once?" One is like a twelve year old little Mexican chalupa, but okay, Abra. 

Also, how is Abra lowkey judging Cal's trash, exotic girlfriends when she's emotionally double-penning two brothers, hmm?? She's taking two dicks to the heart at once, which is way more grody than ten dicks to the butt. Okay, Abra? Sweetie :) But I love her, though, despite her judgeyness and humblebragging. Like, she tells a story about throwing a ring into the ocean that cost $3,000 in 1917 which is roughly 15 trillion fucking dollars today, and is all like "And I forgave my father!". And she's like really condescending towards Cal, and all self-obsessed, like "He's watching us(me)!!!" (lol okay he was but still like get over yourself), and telling A-ron she loves him when really she just, like, wants to get fucked? And she's all "I don't know if I love or even care about Aron, but anyway, we're gonna get married" *proceeds to tongue-blast A-ron's bro*. And after Cal beats the shit out of A-ron she follows Cal to the bar and he's talking all this deep shit about bullshit and Abra's all self-absorbed like "lol forget about when I kissed you, sweetie:) It didn't :') mean :) any:)thing:))". Like, Abra is the worst, but she's so cute, so whatever. I think Julie Harris makes her come across less cringey than she actually, like, totally, 1,000,000% is? 

But anyway, fuck all those turnt performances, because this show belongs to my boy Jimmy. It's amateur hour with JD compared to the other ~thespians~, but he's really great for his first outing. Star-making. Colin Farrell in Phone Booth star-making. Lol that was just a fun joke, like how the movie Phone Booth starring Colin Farrell is a fun joke. Or, a joke, anyway. Idk about fun. Funny? But unintentionally? :))) 

Was East of Eden even James's first movie, or just the first one that came out? He only did three...so...it doesn't totally matter. This was his first or second film and he was amazing off top, which...when does this ever happen? Well, idk, a bit. It happens...enough. Also, someone doing their first movie doesn't mean it's their first ever time acting. James had been on stage and done plays on TV, I believe, so he wasn't fresh from the womb just. And maybe I should calm down with all the "!!amazing!! first movie!!" wonderment. But no, because some actors are on their like 50th movie and still haven't figured it out. James had that shit on-lock at the start and that's some shit to get fucking excited about. 

Things James Dean as Cal does that are fucking important:

-he wears 

that^ sweater

-he stalks Jo Van Fleet and, like, in the wimpiest way, throws a rock at her house

-he rides the tops of trains and wraps himself up in his sweater like a little ball to keep warm knowing good and well that napkin-sized cloth is not warming him for shit but okay, sweetie

-he stalks Abra and A-ron. Abra says girls at school call him "The Prowler"; Cal proceeds to live up to his nickname by actually prowling

-lights a cigarette by that ice barn his dad has. Adam goes all ballistic like "put that cigarette out, Cal!" Cal proceeds to flick the likely still lit cigarette eventho Adam had said about that area being highly flammable...

-throws that ice down the ramp. Adam is all "What possessed you to do that, Cal?!" Cal is all *shrug* "Wanted to see what it would look like". 

-Everything in the bible reading scene

-Cal reading the numbers eventho Adam said he didn't "have to", which meant "not to"

-"Talk to me, father!" 

-Cal ~chaRming~~ that greasy girl at the bar. You're only getting away with it cuz you're cute and lightskin. If you looked like Van Heflin or some shit that bitch would've totally shaded you, and there's no way Kate would've cut your weird ass a fucking $5,000 in 1917 check. Lol, come on. Looks are everything.

-Cal being like "Is it against the law for a minor to be in a bar" but the cop shutting him up mid-sentence like "Um, yes?" 

-Cal stealing that chute for the lettuce

-Cal scratching his nose after that fucking bitch Abra tickled him with that flower

-Cal fully not paying attention to Abra talking

-Cal honking that horn on the car and that mechanic guy yelling at him, which Cal, like, giggled at

-Cal getting mad excited when Adam "made a joke" at the car mechanic dude

-Cal harassing Burl Ives about those beans and being all over him in the locker room and Burl is all "Don't make me hot!" 

-Cal sneakily taking a puff of Burl's cig

-Cal asking Kate for money after she's all like "Why are you following me? *bashful smirk* Ya just wanna look at me?" Lol, no, five thousand dollars, please :) swee:)tee:)

-Cal calling Kate "ma'am" like twelve thousand times in her office 

-His little stares and glances at her

-Cal getting excited about his beans growing

-Cal getting that little black boy in trouble

-Cal giving Abra a piece of black licorice (#team black licorice)

-Cal getting all excited like a dummy to give Adam that money knowing damn well this nigga is anti money, fun, and love.

-Cal like crying on Adam's body when he rejects his gift and straight-up says Aron's fake-ass non-tangible ass gift is better and the bestest

-Cal literally tossing Aron at Kate lol mess

-Cal like whining and weeping on Abra after Adam's stroke and she's all "are you going to cry forever?" and Cal whimpers "no". Aw, I wish he was wearing his little sweater :') What is this blazer he has on :') ruining :') the :') momen:')t:)

-Cal being rude and yelling at that nurse, who just wanted something to read and maybe a cup of coffee like damn, chill

This movie makes me want to actually read the book. It seems like it'd be a pretentious, Dust Bowlish version of Gone with the Wind. Where...am I getting that? I don't know, but if I never get around to reading the book, cuz lol reading and lol no attention span, the movie will suffice. So many good/mockable performances. My favorite being Jimmy Dean Sausages'. Why'd you have to die an icon instead of living forfuckingever and turning into a mere parody of yourself, hmm?? Why aren't you still alive and doing a reality show about all your bastard, d-list "celebrity" children and one is mulatto cuz you fucked Grace Jones (that was wild), and another is suspiciously blasian? How does...how does that happen? Idk, but I'm really upset you died before all that could go down, though. I mean, you could have at least lived long enough to pen some trashy, super-revealing memoir. I NEED to know if you really had a threesome with Eartha Kitt and Paul Newman. Sigh, Joanne Woodward is still alive, I wonder if she'd ever tattle? I'm sure rumors of the 3some are what attracted her to Paul in the first place. I mean, it would me. lol eye want 2 die:)