So ultimately the lightskin niggas won in The Perfect Guy (2015). Right? Because Michael Ealy got way more screen time than Boring Chestnut. Also, and hopefully this is a spoiler alert, Morris gets killed first. Yeah, sure, Michael's character was a piece of shit, but is it really losing when you're getting more camera time and probably more money and one time you dated Halle Berry? NO.
So let's talk about this movie. Or maybe not? lol, um, I thought it quite basic. Sanaa plays a woman named Leah who is dating Baldis who cares what his character's name was Chestnut. Blah Blah, Leah and Bald split because Leah wants a family but Bald won't commit. I don't know if it was just me, but when Leah revealed she and Bald Nuts had only been dating for like two years and she was all like WHERE IS MY RING?! I kind of rolled my eyes? I don't know, I don't feel...it's any way out of reason to expect marriage after two years of dating, I just felt how dramatic she was being indicated they'd been together for like a decade or something. But then the movie had her saying shit like MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING AND I AM 35 AND DECAYING!!! No, she didn't say those things, but basically, and this script could not have been more regular.
So Leah and Bald break up. Who care. Wait, when did Leah meet Carter Ken Doll for the first time? I think the first time they met was before she and Bald Head broke up. Leah goes to buy coffee--Oh my god can we talk about how her little iced coffee cost nearly four dollars? This is me. This is how I watch movies: focusing on stupid shit. But like, you can get a medium-large at McDonald's for two dollars. Or a really big one like that at DD for the same price. Just sayin'.
So anyway omg, um. Carter is there while--Can we talk about his name? It's not introduced until later, but he is so obviously insane if not at least your typical liteskint lunatic and/or tragic mulatto™. But that's later! Right now! At this coffee shop! Sanaa acting like a silly broad. Because ol' blue eyes offers to pay for her fifty dollar beverage, and homegirl is SHOOK. Shook, bitch! Stuttering and fluttering like she nearing fourteen, not forty. And I just thought this movie was silly. However, I know bitches be like this. Bitches would maybe trip over a lightskint lucky charm such as Michael Ealy, but honestly? Michael lowkey looks like...he has something missing lol. Or like lowkey he looks like he was born under a bridge? Like he's cute, but there's some human pieces not all quite there. He a lizard.
So Leah sees Clayton Brigsby or whatever again after she and Jabril or whatever his name was break up. She sitting alone at some bar after a business meeting or something gets cancelled, and some drunk white dude starts harassing her. Leah shuts him down okayishly, but uses the ol' "I have a boyfriend" excuse. Luckily, Carter not yet crazy but you've seen the trailers so come on shows up to play imaginary boyfriend. The drunk dude fucks off; Leah gets all souped and invites Carter to have a drink. He points across the bar to say he was in the middle of a business meeting. Leah gets all disappointed, and then I guess Carter ~feels sorry~ for her, and they end up having drinks? Can we just talk about how lowkey highkey desperate this movie tried to make Leah look? Like she's mad beautiful - she can have anyone. What's the tea?
So fast-forward to Leah and ol' boy gettin' hot and heavy. It's kind of hot? Like when (especially when) they fuck raw in the broom closet at a rave lol, but...we all saw the trailers, so we know this shit bout to go extra-left.
Leah takes the bae to meet her parents. Her mom and dad seem real booed up, so maybe that's some backstory to why Leah is not necessarily desperate for a relationship, but clearly values having that sort of consistent love and support? Okay, fine. Leah's dad is not feeling Cartwright right away, but then The Bluest Eye reveals he has tickets to the Dodgers or whomever and the dad's panties are off!
Like immediately after this cute little visit at Leah's parents, Carter nearly beats the shit outta some dude for talking to Leah at a gas station.
Okay!
I feel like a lot of chicks...wouldn't have deemed this a dumpable offense. Especially if you could explain it away like maybe Carter thought the guy was harassing Leah. But at the end of the day, he savagely beat that dude and probably would've killed him had that white dude not come out with a gun. What a strange...sight to see a redneck Chalkasian threatening a Negraloid with a gun and he's the one who looks better in the situation. Smh, do better Bright Eyes.
Leah is like, so totally over Carter after this. She's done. She's so freaked out. She barely considers having dinner with him so he can ~explain~ himself. What I started to like about the movie as it went on was how Leah would stand her ground on things. I do not feel like the typical bitch wouldn't have given this dude multiple chances, and I liked that they didn't write her character like that. But can we talk about that one white friend of Leah's who told her to give Light Tyson a chance to explain himself? That's a bitch who wants to see you fail. And she had bangs. 1. Never listen to a #FFFFFF and 2. a #FFFFFF with bangs.
But Leah wasn't having it even when he was trying to explain himself. She was just like noooooooooooooo we're over. Then he had some little tantrum. Leah was still like nooooooo, lol, so his pissy ass start harassing and stalking her. I forgot all the stuff he was doing, but he gained access to Leah's house because he knew where she kept her key. Because she showed him. Good.
Carter works for securities or something? In data breaching or some such? Honestly? If I met a man who told me he did that for a living I would chuck him the deuces. I assume all men are crazy. If you're going to date a man, be dumb and make that mistake, it comes down to you deciding what type of crazy you're willing to deal with. Me? Definitely not someone good at computery hacker shit. Like what if my hacker bae hacks into my Bing searches and sees all the times I look up "cysts" or "how horny is too horny?". Maybe Leah didn't care about this because she isn't a freak? Sigh :(
So Carter does a bunch of hacky hacker shit. Also he steals Leah's cat. Leah isn't fully aware of everything he's doing, but he's also sticking to some old-fashioned stalking, calling her a million times, etc, so she heads to the police. They're like...we can't really do shit about this. It's crazy that stalkers have to literally, like, kill you for any sort of action to take place. Super cool! However, Leah is able to get a restraining order on Carter. It's great when it's served to him at work. His boss is just like...go home. lol, would this really happen? Carter works at some corporate office building, I just assume these messy dudes have shit like this happening to them all the time. But idk, maybe it's cuz he's doing the white boy look way better than any of them ever could. His Abercrombie tan doesn't come out a bottle and they're mad about it! Oh well!!!!
Leah gets back with Bald and honestly no one cares. It's so funny because it's like a full hour or so into the movie when he comes back lol no respect.
Can we talk about? How? When Leah and Bald are having dinner at the restaurant, Carter comes in and Leah gets shook, so Morris goes over to choke out ol' boy - that this is just fine with everyone? Remember when Morris yelled at concerned dining patrons to SHUT UP!!!? lol. Is it OKAY for Morris to go buckwild because he is darkskint and no1 wants to see, like, Steph Curry throw down? Honestly? This. This right here is colourism. This is what people are talking about. This shit right here lol. I am...disgusted.
I didn't like how Morris looked all smug, like suddenly the problem of this crazy boy stalker was solved because he choked him a little bit one time. You think cuz you bald and got a deep voice somebody supposed to be scared? Boy, bye! Like...literally bye, because Crazy Eyez Killa crazy eyez killz you. And honestly? Honestly I felt bad for Leah because that was her bae, but shit happens. Can't dwell on the past!!
Leah knows Cauterized Wound killed her bae, but she can't prove it to police. So they're no help. Oh, also can we talk about how Carter killed the neighbor lady and barely anyone cared? No, because I aint care neither.
I liked how Leah was turning up on Carter at the end of the movie. Like when she ran up on him seeking out his next victim (A WHITE BITCH!!!) and put all his Listerine Poured in the Toilet Bowl Blue Colored Eyes ass business on blast-off. She was like MURDERER! And I got my life. Most of this movie was Bad and Shouldn't Have Happened, but I did like that Leah got all tough and bad ass on that ass. So that was nice. Like how when she killed the shit out of Carter at the end, then showed up to the precinct with the murder weapon like "I'd like to report an intruder". Yes, bitch!!!!! Then that mostly-useless detective asked Leah if she was okay and essentially she was like Yeah, I'm good! Bitch, me too tf!!!!!!
