The Revenant (2015)

Hmm so Leo's pie-faced ass won the Best Actor Oscar for this and it's like..."I guess." I was never here for the GIVE LEO HIS OSCAR campaign. There are so many other actory niggas deserving of that award who...haven't even been nominated. Sam Rockwell being one of the main ones for me. Like I love him so much but clearly The Academy does not? I guess his ass don't be suckin the right dicks. Like I am almost 73% certain Sam Rockwell sux dix, it's just OBVIOUS it's not the correct ones. He probably only sucks the pretty dicks, but I doubt anyone of importance possesses a pretty dick. Pretty much every important nigga is ugly. That's just how it works. They trade beauty for power. Which, yikes. I'd rather have Sam Rockwell wanna suck my d, than be like, Harvey Weinstein, ya feel me?? 

I'm sure you do!!! You know who else deserves an Oscar over Leo? DID YOU ANSWER TOM HARDY?! If not, leave this blog. I don't want you here if you said, like, Mark Rylance. MISS ME WITH THAT SHIT AND ANYWAY HE ALREADY HAS AN OSCAR SO WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT. Omg I was so heated when Tommy didn't win in his category. I aint even see Bridge of Spies, but wowww that movie looks dry as fuck???? And TOM HARDY IS TOM HARDY AND DESERVES EVERY AWARD? HOW THE FUCK LEO GOT AN OSCAR BEFORE ONE OF THE BEST ACTORS OF HIS GENERATION??? The fuck? But you know who had one of the best performances of the year? Abraham Atta from Beasts of No Nation. And what was that boy, like, ten?? Come on. But you givin' Leo's grown ass Oscars for sleeping in a horse and fighting a CGI bear? Like, it wasn't even a real bear?? AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE CLIP THEY PLAYED FOR HIM AT THE OSCARS WAS HIM SPEAKING IN NATIVE TONGUE AND YOU COULD LIKE TELL WHOEVER CHOSE THAT CLIP WAS LIKE "Oooh look at him speaking in non-white. Give him ALL the awards. Or at least let's not nominate Abraham for a way better performance :). Also let's completely ignore Sam Rockwell forever because he won't suck our dix :')) Sam Rockwell totally carried Moon all by himself but who caressss :)) Also Tom Hardy totally carried The Revenant and also that bear but let's nommy Leo who like, barely spoke??? :')))))" 

I will never stop tryna drag Leo because I think he's lame and he smokes e-cigs. He wears like bootcut jeans with those weird newsboy caps. And I'm pretty sure he smashed Rihanna but like desperately wants people not to know? WTF. He's trash and like not even remotely close to Daniel Day-Lewis' level, or even like, Rami Malek's. A TV actor. (No shade I love Rami lol) Leo aint out here stuntin on hoes like people try to act. He's...goodish. And I like watching his round face say things in movies. And he actually almost brought the house down in Revolutionary Road. But he aint THE BEST. Imma need yall to chillllllll. 

But I actually maybe loved this movie! lol. I love to complain like omg. Im sittin here writing three poorly-worded paragraphs tryna come for Leonardo's neck when I actually enjoyed the film and he did a pretty good job? I just have VERY high standards. For everyone else, not for myself peep the blog :') But yeah, this movie was lit. Being a ~movie buff~, I watch SO MUCH SHIT. I am verrrrry immune to a lot at this point. Watching movies has been my job for a solid...ten years now. I mean, not my job like I'm actually getting paid (ugh i wish kill me), but for me, it's a serious hobby. And everyone with a serious hobby know that shit basically means: nonpaying ass fulltime fucking job. I'm...so tired. 

So I love when I watch something that is different. I get very excited. This was a tough movie, though. It was...is dense the word? Mmm idk. But it's one of those movies where you go to the theater and leave with red eyes and a fucking headache. I love those movies but I am so tired of living so it's just...you know, tough. And sometimes these tiring ass movies aren't even good. But The Revenant was. I liked that the ~roughness~ of the movie came in the form of like...a long ass bear attack and Fitzgerald's racist, horrible, demonic ass. Also, there was mad terrifying action? Like when Leo went over that cliff with the horseWTHAT THE FUCCKKKK. I was mad tired, but extremely entertained. That bear attack, though. That bear attack, like, seeing it in the trailers, that's the main thing I wanted to see. Even more than my baby girl Tom. I am...obsessed with bear attacks. That should be included in ratings. This movie includes: sex, profanity, wild partying, bear attacks. Sex, profanity, wild partying? Girl who cares. Wait. DID YOU SAY BEAR ATTACKS? I will watch, and be subsequently horrified, by any shit with bear attacks. It fills me with pleasure. I don't want to be like this, but it is how I am. I feel like that's like...the child molester's anthem.

Anyway enough about the Woody Allens of the world. LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT BEAR ATTACK!!

I actually almost hate this now-iconic scene because people kept making jokes about it? And none of them were funny??? Remember when they panned to that bear at the Oscars and then the camera went to Leo and he was like

Just, enough. But people gettin' hype over the scene was much-warranted. Like, IT WAS LIT!! THAT BEAR ATTACK WAS MAD EXTENSIVE LOL OMG. When the bear went away after the first attack I was like...I AM SO TIRED OMG. Like I was squirming and cringing in my seat while he was gnawing on Leo and when it went away I just breathed a sigh of relief like okaayyy that's over and now everything is fine. BUT I SHOULDA KNOWN BECAUSE LEO WAS BARELY DEAD AT THAT POINT. Omg WHYYY DID HIS DUMB ASS SHOOT AT THE BEAR. That's what yo ass get!!! You wanna shoot at niggas and NOT expect they gon eat yo ass? GIRL, OKAY!! Omg when that bear was thrashing Leo around. Whewww that shit was funny. But also it made me wonder if this is what happened to the Grizzly Man and his girlfriend. BUT I WOULDN'T KNOW BECAUSE BITCH ASS WERNER HERZOG KEPT THE AUDIO. Punk ass!! Why......................am I so salty Werner aint play that audio? What is my...problem??? 

So the bear attack was lit. Leo wasn't dead enough for me, tho, ngl. And then when they were ~burying him alive~........they barely threw dirt on him? I feel like the trailers implied he was gonna be bustin' through a grave??? So I was salty about that. He basically just had to brush some dirt crumbs away??? And he wasn't even dead? That's not exactly a revival, Alejandro Iñárritu. Like, girl you tried it!! 

I was sad Leo's baby got killed, tho? :((( I wasn't here for that??? AND I WAS NOT HERE FOR FITZGERALD'S CRUSTY ASS BUT AT THE SAME TIME I WAS???? Was it because he was played by Tom Hardy and his toof? Like this nigga was strutin' around being mad annoying with these little scraps of hair and it was just like..."this nigga...". But I lowkey loved him. He was mad entertaining and, inappropriately?, the comic relief? But it's like we needed comic relief from...mainly grief caused by him? What a total Gemini. Like, if Fitzgerald is not a Gemini I'd be really surprised but he might be a Cancer. I'd buy that as well. Anyway, where is Tom Hardy's Oscar? Do you think this is a joke? JAKE GYLLENHAAL SHOULDA BEEN NOMINATED FOR NIGHTCRAWLER YALL ARE REALLY PLAYING GAMES!!! 

My Friend & His Wife (2006)

This movie was so ugly. Nah, you know what was ugly? Ye-joon.

Look at him. Like, ew. 

YOU KNOW, I AM MAD. I tuned into this shit thinking I was gon' get into some typical Korean drama. Wait, but...is there really a typicalness to Korean drama? Honestly, I've seen all sorts of shit go down. But sigh, a movie titled My Friend & His Wife...you expect a fairly simple love triangle, right? BUT WHY AM I SAYING THAT ACTING LIKE THE KOREANS DON'T BE TURNING UP AT EVERY OPPORTUNE MOMENT?? LIKE OLDBOY DOESN'T EXIST??? LIKE THAT WINTER, THE WIND BLOWS DIDN'T HAVE A BLIND CHARACTER AND FAKE INCEST??? LIKE BLOOD WASN'T ABOUT FUCKING VAMPIRE DOCTORS?!!?!? 

Sigh, idk. I really did expect something fairly straight down the line, you know. Two friends. One has a wife, one is a busy businessman who is too busy business to settle down, so is jealous of his homey and his girl and what they have. Orrrr he's been in love with his homey's girl all along and so that's why he's always single. Right okay and hijinks ensue. But BY HIJINKS I MEAN LIKE...Ye-joon tries to smash Ji-sook and either she wants him to or she doesn't but Jae-moon gets mad either way and he and Ye-joon's best friendship is irrevocably destroyed, END OF MOVIE. But why would I expect that, though? Maybe an American movie would have some corny storyline like that, but this is KOREAN DRAMA. And I know FOR A FACT that Korean drama is just consistently on some whole other level. So why am I playing dumb? Well, tbh, I don't have to play :/

Look I wasn't expecting some baby to end up dead. Yall are honestly doing too much. You know what really pissed me off about this movie, though? Ye-joon was so ugly and unlikeable. Like, I can't with him having zero redeemable qualities. Like, uhhh I guess he gave Jae-moon and Ji-sook money? BUT WASN'T IT ONLY AFTER HE KILLED THEIR BABY AND JAE-MOON HAD TO GO TO PRISON?!?!!? WHY DID JAE-MOON LIKE HIM?? WHY WAS HE LIKE IN LOVE WITH YE-JOON?? HE WAS MAD BORING AND A DICK?! WTF??!!!?!

And W H YYY did Jae-moon take the fall for him? THIS NIGGA KILLED UR KID???? Like, not intentionally BUT CAN WE TALK HOW CARELESSLY HE WAS LIKE SHAKING THE BABY BEFORE HE PUT HIM BACK IN THE CRIB??? Girl no. I would maybe forgive Ye-joon, MAYBE, if he hadn't have been "rocking" the baby like that before he tossed his ass into the crib FUCKING FACE FIRST. GIRL, BYE!! GOODNIGHT!!! 

I was actually laughing, that's how mad I was lol. Because as soon as he put the baby back in the crib I was screaming at the screen like "LOL OKAY IF THAT BABY DIES I'M DONE". SAYING THAT AND NOT EVEN ACTUALLY THINKING THE BABY WAS GONNA DIE BUT AS SOON AS THEY SWITCHED TO JAE-MOON TAKING ALL DAY PARKING THE CAR I KNEW HE WAS GONNA RETURN TO THE APARTMENT AND FIND THAT BABY DEAD AND I JUST STARTED SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS UNTIL BLOOD FILLED THEM AND I DIED. LIKE JAE-MOON AND JI-SOOK'S BABY :/

I was so...annoyed. And I love when kids die in movies. Not because I am a deeply disturbed individual, but just because it's high-drama. Luh me some high-drama! That's why I love k-dramas, but this was just too much for me. Because we had spent all that time with Ji-sook and Jae-moon, right? With their cute little scenes before Ji-sook had the baby, and then their relationship troubles after she did, and then they rounded back to being good again and Ji-sook could go to beauty school or whatever and it was like awwwww but whyyyyyyyyyyy did I think this movie was just gonna go back to happy without crashing right the fuck back down to tragedy LIKE SINCE WHEN EVER. DID I THINK THE MOVIE WAS GONNA END THIRTY MINUTES IN?? HMM?!?!

Whatever, I was annoyed. Still annoyed. Because not only did this baby die, but Jae-moon and Ji-sook's fucking relationship disintegrated and Jae-moon's wayyyy too loyal ass took the fall for Ye-joon and went to priz. Was it his fault for leaving the baby alone with Ye-joon's robot demon ass? YES SO HE DESERVED TO GO THERE. bye!! 

But I'm mad Ye-joon went after Ji-sook. Like, boy. And then he gets her and is like...yelling at her? AND CUMMING TOO FAST DURING SEX??? Nah, he is a demon. I hated him so much omg why would you make him have no good qualities it was so hard to watch LIKE WHY DID I WANT HIM TO DIE EVEN BEFORE HE KILLED THE BABY? I can't tell if the construction of Ye-joon's character was good or bad. Would it have been better if I felt any sympathy for him? Idk. I was just feeling wayyy too much hate while watching this omg. But no, it was probably for the best that he was so hateable. BUT IT WOULDA BEEN NICE TO ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO GET INTO THE ~LOVE TRIANGLE~ without feeling the whole time like "Will this creepy nigga just...go away?". I just don't feel that's how love triangles are supposed to be. Otherwise it's just a right angle...and then like a...a line segment sort of over there. You know? Very Edward vs. Jacob. Who EVER shipped Jacob's wolf ass with that tiny white devil Bella? Come on. Vamps are her people, that was never gonna work. Anyway, I want to die.

BUT HOW CUM THE FIRE AINT KILL YE-JOON?!?! THAT WAS HIM WRITING LETTERS TO THEM, RIGHT? Wait, am I remembering wrong? Did he die? All I remember is...Ji-sook and Jae-moon at some new hair salon and Ji-sook's pregnant and doing hair and Jae-moon is outside sweeping or something and the mailman pulls up with a letter and Jae-moon walks into the salon and gives it to Ji-sook and she stores it away...WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER IF YE-JOON DIED. YOU WOULD THINK THAT WOULD BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME. Didn't Jae-moon try to save Ye-joon from the fire but he refused?? Girl. Idk. I hope that bitch died. 

Why Did I Watch This?: Woman Thou Art Loosed: On the 7th Day (2012)

This movie was really special in a primarily bad way. But I don't wanna act like I didn't watch this specifically because I expected just that. I've heard about these woman thou art loosed films and T.D. Jakes, but I don't think I've ever seen one. I remember the first time hearing about one it was that prison movie. For some reason I was riding a school bus ages ago and the bus driver, one of those ratchet dgaf bus drivers obviously, had the radio on. Bus drivers never play the radio that's why this one was ratchet. Like, we're school kids lol and he had it tuned to some urban station and this harrowing ass commercial for one of the woman thou art loosed films came on and I remember being hella traumatized. Like, I could see those woman in the prison. I could see their raggedy cornrows and sunken, bruised faces. That radio commercial was vivid as hell, and ever since then I've been obsessed with seeing it. 

I actually thought...Woman Thou Art Loosed was just the name of that one particular film, I had no idea it was like...a fucking series. But I was perusing Netflix's shitty selection of movies (to chill BY MYSELF) when I came across this one I'm writing about today, Woman Thou Art Loosed: On the 7th Day. I could tell this wasn't that prison movie because I was pretty sure the prison movie was all women. And judging by the summary, it just obviously was not the prison one. I was disappointed, but then I quickly switched to being excited because despite this not being that raggedy prison movie I am for no reason obsessed with, it was clearly still something just as bad-seeming. Blair Underwood?? Sharon Leal???? Questionable church themes that make morally superior judgements about people??? Some vaguely convoluted kidnapping plot where I get to be excited about the kid possibly turning up dead?? Oh hell yeah, it's lit. 

This movie was bad and dumb right away. Wait was it, or was I just blinded by Blair Underwood's consistently greasy ass s-curl? That nigga be lowkey highkey trippin. Like he be really walking around here talking and looking like that. He be really outchear as a nigga named Blair smh. But I'm not even mad. He's interesting. He always brings something. He's like the Target version of Taye Diggs, who is obviously Kmart. Am I really in here complimenting Blair? He's rubbed me the wrong way for soooo long (ugh). Like ever since he was like the only black boyfriend on Sex and the City. Smh, of course he was. Wait, no, Samantha also dated a ~rapper~. At least Blair didn't embarrass himself in that role. He played a bougie self-hater and it was almost as if...he was playing himself. Give this man a daytime Emmy. 

Nah, lemme stop coming for my girl Blair. I secretly love him, and I definitely love Sharon Leal, but the two of them play a really gross married couple in this movie. You're just watching like, I can't wait til they get their daughter snatched - like, enough!! And she gets snatched!! *curls fist, closes eyes tight, orgasms* Yes.

Okay, so, TIME FOR ME TO START SCREAMING IN CAPS. Okay wait hold on. Wait. lol.

okay so Sharon Leal and Blair get their daughter snatched up. Pam Grier is one of the cops working on the case. I love Pam Grier, but honey...................Like let's all just agree Pam Grier's ass can't act. She puts the effort in, though. Like I'm not tryna drag my mom, but...................

but no.

Pam Grier is wearing like a bandana and a cowboy hat

and I just assume that's how all cops in Louisiana dress. At least the extra-hype ones like Pam's character. So when Pam drops by to question Sharon and Care Blair, some truth bombs are dropped. And it's like "lol". APPARENTLY, Sharon's character...did all kinds of crazy shit before becoming a housewife. The gist is she was a prostitute. So lived that hooker lifestyle for a bit, I guess, until she killed one of her johns? I can't remember if she killed or stabbed him. Or wait was it her pimp? Girl, idk smh. Just know she used to be a messy ass bitch, a liar a scammer, etc. So now, reformed, Sharon keeps her secret by sending money to her former pimp every month. Idk WHAT all this has to do with Sharon's daughter going missing, but okay Pam, blow ol' girl's spot up. 

It's implied that Sharon's past is responsible for her daughter getting snatched which is so...like the message is so misogynistic. Yeah! Some shady character from Sharon's past ABSOLUTELY could've slid through and snatched her kid. But so could literally ANYONE from either of their pasts. AND GIRL!!!! Let's just fast forward to the real tea, BECAUSE WHO ACTUALLY SNATCHED THE DAUGHTER WAS BLAIR'S MISTRESS/TEACHER'S ASSISTANT. 

Wait, okay. So Nicole Beharie's crazy ass ends up being the one who took the daughter and maybe the initial sort of...extra-judgement of Sharon's character was done on purpose?? Because Blair's hypocritical ass is going in on this bitch, like YOU LIED TO ME YOU ENDANGERED OUR DAUGHTER WITH YOUR WHORE WAYS blah blah when the whole time he was fucking some other bitch and she ended up being the one who took his kid. So maybe I jumped the gun being super-annoyed by how everyone was coming left and right for Sharon's ass. Actually, maybe that's what this whole series is about?? Come to think. I mean this is my first movie in the series but maybe "woman thou art loosed" refers to like...how badly women are treated in society?? Or like how they're consistently demeaned, overlooked and dismissed?? Maybe?? Maybe. Maybe!!

Okay but I immediately don't even care about that. I immediately don't care about whatever ~message~ this movie was tryna spout when...it was so non-good. It was really ridiculous and the whole time watching I kept asking "What is this?". It was just mad extra. I guess it kept my attention, though. BUT SIGH WHAT WAS WITH THAT CREEPY PEDO DUDE??? HE AINT EVEN TAKE THE DAUGHTER??? THIS YELLOW TOOOTHED COLONEL SANDERS WAS SNATCHING UP OTHER LITTLE HOES!! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DO YOU KEEP CUTTING TO HIM?? THIS NIGGA IN SOME WHOLE OTHER MOVIE BUT OKAAAAY????!!!!!!??!?! Like I'm mad he was just filler? AND I'M MAD THE MOVIE TRIED TO GET US TO THINK HE WAS IN ANY WAY RESPONSIBLE?????? 

They was really tryna conceal the ~surprise~ that Nicole was the kidnapper BUT GUESS WHAT, HO?! I still clocked that bitch before you revealed her, so nice try, but ya failed! I wasn't even sure of myself when I first suspected Nicole. I was like *sucks teeth* "She prob took the kid". The moment when she walked in on Blair tearing up his office. She was all *fake as hell* "You okay???" There was just something about how concerned she was about this nigga. AND THEN WHEN HE POPPED BY HER PLACE AND HE TRIED TO GET A BOOTYCALL IN WTF AND SHE LIED AND SAID SHE HAD COMPANY BUT JUST ENDED UP GOING TO SIT ALONE ON HER COUCH. Yall failed because it was just too obvious. But I still wasn't sure. And you kept playing games with Colonel Sanders! I'm heated. AND I'm mad the girl ended up being alive. When a kid gets kidnapped in a movie the rule should be they are not found alive. High stakes, bitch! This why I aint fuck with Prisoners. Anyway, I shouldn't be allowed to have the internet. 

WAITWAITIIIT!!! HOW COME SHARON AINT GO TO JAIL FOR MURDERING NICOLE I'M SCREEEAAMMMMMINNNGNGNGNGNGNGNGGNNGNGNNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNGNNG