The People vs O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story

Everything about the OJ trial was obscene. This made me really angry to watch, like are so many people genuinely this stupid? When Marcia wondered why the jurors were even there I had the same question. They literally sat there for like a year with one fixed thought in their mind that they never shifted from even with all that fucking evidence laid before them? And then that fat idiot put up the black power fist after they were dismissed? How is that okay?? I am flabbergasted. And people still are on some OJ didn't do it type shit. Okay, so who did??? This is super-upsetting, but at least his ugly ass is in prison now. Or is he out? Um, I hope not, clearly he's a degenerate. Like all this dude did was throw a football and people made him out to be some sort of God? This is so crazy to me. He didn't even like black people! This is embarrassing.

I'm assuming this series was made by white people? That's good because they clearly decided OJ was guilty lol and filmed the series from that viewpoint. The way Cuba (I'm just now realizing his name is Cuba) played him as being obviously guilty and then all those close-ups of Robert Kardashian's sad-sack face feeling ~weird AbouT STuff~*~. Can we talk about this dude? So...the series paints Robert Kardashian as a bit of a moron. Or maybe that's just how I interpreted it. I get he was OJ's friend for twenty years, but some stuff is not adding up. 

1. I don't believe anyone could like genuinely be OJ's friend. It's really hard for me to understand how people don't see immediately past ~charming~ types. Especially good ol boy, pat on the back, cigar smoking, let's play cards and golf types. And especially, if they are black lol wtf. Also, 2. it seems clear to me that everyone knew OJ abused Nicole. Now these are Hollywood types, and it appears Nicole was maybe a party type wild child a little bit? Not sure, but if she was friends with Faye Resnick and Kris Kardashian, then... So MAYBE they saw all the drama in the relationship as just, some shit that was happening with the crazy Simpsons. But you still knew he abused her. So if it turns out one day he's been accused of her murder, how is that a stretch for you to believe?? 

Robert was getting on my nerves. Like a bit I was feeling bad for him, but he spent way too much time asserting OJ couldn't have done it, only to late as hell start asking questions. And then he lowkey seemed mad scared when he made his ~realization~. Girl, bye. I don't know what Robert could've done once he switched over his thinking. Like I doubt he could've stood up in the middle of the trial and shouted that OJ DEFINITELY did it, but maybe he could've done something? Idk, I feel like the show wanted me to feel sympathy for him and I did because he was played by Eeyore-faced David Schwimmer, but he should've cared more about defending Nicole and fell back on all that OJ love, especially since he was like the one and only suspect, um, ever? And they had all that evidence? And OJ tried to run? And he clearly did it??? 

BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT, like, all the Kardashian shade? It weirdly mainly seemed to be aimed at the kids, and, like, mostly Kim? Or am I wrong? lol. Because 1. they did not shade Kris the way I thought they would. Idk if it was because she was (oddly) played by one-note ass Selma Blair or what, but they did not go in on her at all. Not that the Kardashians besides Robert Sr. needed to be focused on at all, really, but it was weird how they made a point to sort of make these finger-waggy judgments at the spawn of Robert. That scene where he was in the restaurant telling them it was more important to be a good person or whatever than to be famous and they showed Kim like, looking away and not listening? Lol, why shade her so thoroughly? It was strange, but funny. But what's the deal with the Kardashians? Like their black guy thing? It seems really pointed considering they're linked to this specific trial. I wonder if lowkey the show was trying to say this could happen all over again? That's super-awful, but like, maybe hilarious? Let's move on! 

Let's talk about my bae Shapiro. Lol, no, I'm mostly joking. I thought Travolta was really funny as Shapiro, who was a mess and a half. I was dying at him trying to get a plea deal and asserting they'd lose the case. Honestly I'm annoyed because I feel if Cochran had never come on, they would've lost lol. OJ's coon ass didn't even want him, whyyyyyyy. But whatever, I loved Shapiro, like him throwing OJ under the bus when they did that press conference after he escaped. Yo, but this is so crazy to me that all this mess happened. Like he was really out on the freeway in that Bronco with a gun to his head. And people like watched it on TV like a sports show? And then were rooting for him? I feel depressed. 

I've never liked Johnnie Cochran. I like barely know anything about him, but I'd see him in the news and he looked like some hustling church pastor, and I don't like that look. I always gave side-eye to those types who'd be out there "repping" black people. Something doesn't sit quite right. It's like people now who call themselves activists on Twitter. I feel people who are truly making change, you don't hear about. They're not giving extra press conferences on television, and making themselves into a flashy celebrity. But maybe that's how shit gets done. Or, at least how a circus is created. 

So I never knew Johnnie had a past history of domestic violence. So of course he doesn't give a shit, he ~relates~ to OJ. Though I know lawyers aren't like, allowed to have morals - you just have to service your client. But like Johnnie really wanted this case and completely ignored the whole OJ DEFINITELY murdered his wife thing, to make it about race. Like he was promoting himself more than anything. Look at what Johnnie can do for black people. I'm highkey upset. Maybe I wouldn't even be so disgusted if the way he ~lawyered~ wasn't so appalling. It was like all stunts and bullshittery. And the jury is compiled of common simpletons, who are all dazzled and shit. I liked the episode focusing on the jurors, and the boredom prison they're placed in while they serve, but ultimately showing that did nothing to explain how they ended up voting Not Guilty. Them not having TVs in their hotel room doesn't explain why they were won over by that pitiful The Glove Doesn't Fit showcase. OJ was CLEARLY DOING THE MOST to make it look like the glove didn't fit!! I mean!! This isn't a joke, this is real life and two people were murdered but carry on with the histrionics, I guess. 

So obvi I'm Team OJ Did It, so I'm Team Marcia and Chris. They are my babies and I want to protect them. Leave Marcia alone about her ugly ass hair, and stop calling Chris an Uncle Tom! They want to protect the people and get justice for Ron and Nicole, you know, the people who were fucking stabbed a million times in cold blood????? Yeah, them. A part of me feels Marcia and Chris bunged this whole thing, but maybe I need to consider the time this case happened, right around the Rodney King riots, no? So Marcia and them thinking this is an open and shut case, not realizing how fucking political this was about to get. Never mind the fact that OJ was a celebrity. And this took place in LA, non? So, not so open and shut. 

I felt awkward for Marcia that she was leaning so heavy on Fuhrman's testimony. As if that would really matter in the grand scheme of things, even before it was revealed he was a Nazi. CHRIS TOLD HER ASS! Marcia was being hella a white feminist. Also I feel they probably should've stunted back at Cochran. But Marcia particularly felt strongly that the evidence was there, so what else. Which yeah, you would think. But Chris would be like, ehhhh idk, and she'd just dismiss him. It was clear she was not totally aware of everything she needed to aware of. Like having no idea how she'd come across with her hair and attitude, and then thinking black woman would in general identify more with Nicole than OJ. She was proved wrong on these things, but didn't take it serious enough for me. Like, oh shit, I gotta reevaluate my whole game plan. The only significant move she made was hiring someone black on her team, but she barely listened to him. I still feel they had a pretty strong case, especially when they made their closing arguments. If I was on the jury and initially was Not Guilty for whatever reason besides inescapable stupidity, their speeches would change me over. I actually thought Johnnie's closer was pretty weak. If the glove doesn't fit you must acquit? Nah. Nahhhh lol like, you really thought you was doing something. Those jurors were fucking morons. I thought my bae with the glasses and hair was gonna come thru but she voted Not Guilty and I had to force myself to stan for The Demon, whose punk ass was bullied into voting with majority consensus. I thought her ass was sposed to be good at gathering jurors' edges?? She's a FLOP! 

Acting-wise, mostly everyone was very good. I really loved Travolta as Shapiro lol. Like, please. I hope Travolta starts playing more douchebaggy type characters now. That's a real look for him. Sarah Paulson, I love. I just love her. She's great and I hope she keeps getting put in everything. Sterling K. Brown FINALLY got a come up. The first time he stood out to me was on this show that got immediately cancelled on FX about an eating disorder support group or something called Starved, I think? And ever since then I would see him and go, oh that's that black dude from that terrible show where someone ate a brownie out the garbage. But now he has a name! lol smh. I loved him as Christopher Darden, I just wanted to cradle him in my arms and breathe my hot breath on his glasses and clean them off with my t-shirt that is full of grease, so I have wasted everyone's time, ultimately.

I actually quite liked Schwimmer as Kardashian. I don't know what Kardashian was like or if he nailed it, but I was really caring about his simp character, so I feel Schwimmer did something. Acting stand-out for me was Courtney B. Vance, but that's most likely because he got to play this quite out-sized and specific character. Also I think Cochran is the only one I like, really know. Or, I've seen him all the time and know how he presented, and I think Courtney completely embodied his persona. It was almost like watching the real one. I felt extremely disgusted lol. Good job! 

Honorable acting mention to my Canadian bae, Bruce Greenwood? I just always love him, please let's move on! God, I have no idea who played Ron Goldman's family, but they were effective. I felt so bad for them, omg at the end when the baby Chris like hugged them crying. PLEASE ALL OF THAT WAS TOO MUCH. But wow when the dad was going the fuck off when Marcia had her first meeting with him. That was intense and amazing. The chick who played Ron's sister, I assume? She barely had lines but she looked so sad and distraught all the time and was entirely nailing it. They were great but now I feel weird being like GREAT JOB PORTRAYING UNSPEAKABLE GRIEF! *thumbs-up emoji*!!

I would say Cuba Gooding Jr. was an acting weak spot. I like Cuba sometimes, but I am not sure he was really giving me OH JAY. But to be honest, I've only seen like photos of OJ, I don't know if I have seen him in action too much. So I don't know how he really was, but people were talking about him like he was maybe suave or something? Cuba was giving me none of that. His version of OJ was like someone's crackhead uncle sober for a few hours so he can go to his grandma's funeral and get some scrimps at the repast lol like idk what was going on. Also, Cuba does not have a football player's body. It would have been more impactful to see some big, bloated bitch sitting up there and wondering why he would think to ever put his hands on a woman. Cuba did at least do a good job of making OJ unlikable, but then it was weird because it was like, why does his family stay around, why does he have any friends or supporters? Idk, man, I mean, Chris Brown still has a lot of fans. R Kelly... numerous other horrific losers. I guess gen pop just has nothing going on upstairs. That's nice. 

This was a crime of passion. Why would Colombian drug lords or whatever angle they were trying to sell cut Ron and Nicole up like that? Unless it was a message to OJ. But pretty sure they only found the blood of those three individuals at the scene, so no. OJ felt some type of way about Nicole smashing Ron and killed them, plain and simp. Remember when he started crying as Chris detailed basically that happening, after his daughter's dance recital? Why was he crying?? Come on if I was on the jury I would be completely convinced, this is insane.

So at least two people are dead from OJ's defense team. Karmic debt. F. Lee Bailey got his ass disbarred or some shit and Shapiro testified against him smh & lmao, annnd what happened to Shapiro? Seemingly, nothing, so side-eye @ lowkey bae. Marcia and Chris wrote books, no? And I think they were successes. I'm dying that they both basically quit. Wait but I need the tea on their romance? How'd it go down?! (No, and Gross.). I am the most disturbed about OJ's younger kids. They just...gave them to him? I wonder if they ever suspected him? Imma assume they was like Michael Peterson's children of the corn and keep it moving.

So this American Crime Story idea is VERY lit. As of now, I am not as excited about the Versace story as I was about this one, but one positive is I know way less about that one than the OJ case, so it'll be enlightening in the very least. And it may be turnt. I think Penelope Cruz is in it? That's bae, so we'll see. I REALLY want them to do the JonBenét case. Because that will be a fucking disaster, and I need it. Or maybe I need to get my life together? No, I'd rather watch TV. 

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The People vs O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story

The Visit (2015)

So Indian coon M. Night Shyamalan has brought us another horrific masterpiece. I mean horror masterpiece. How come M. Night's movies like never have Indians? I haven't seen all his movies, but I've seen most and where his peeps be? Or is he one of those? Lol you opened this post calling him an Indian coon, no need to play coy now. Anyway I'll never be shit but like what's with all these white people??????? And don't his movies be set in like Philly a lot???? When I think of Philly I don't think about whiteys I think about multicultural gutter trash, but maybe I have an incorrect idea of what all is going on there. But you can't convince me otherwise that M. Night not shit. He did do After Earth, but prob only cuz he was butt-probed into it by the aliens. He didn't feel that shit in his heart. (After Earth is underrated leave me alone! lol no it's pretty bad smh). 

Wait, but imagine The Happening if it had Indians!! Imagine like any movie M. Night made but if it had Indians? Like, way more interesting, right? Jus sayin! I love The Sixth Sense, but imagine like Indians! Lol it's so simple and revolutionary. I don't understand! But like can we at least imagine The Happening w/o Marky Mark & Bang Face??? Or, honestly? Can we imagine The Happening but it never existed? That's the best scenario.

So The Visit actually wasn't too bad lmfao and smh. Um, sigh. So it's basically about these two ultra milk-fed white kids who go to visit their grandparents, whom they've never met, because their mother is estranged from them. So, this broad sends them off to live with the people she ran away from and hasn't seen in like fifteen years and oh, also doesn't drop them off to make sure everything is okay before she leaves her kids to stay with them for a week so she can go on some sad people cruise with her possibly latino boyfriend we never see on-screen (smh M. Night, are you against just any sign of color?!?). 

So who's surprised when the grandparents turn out weird as fuck?? No one if you saw the trailer with the gramma asking the girl to climb in the oven. Also, there's just something about an old woman with long hair. Witch teas. My desired aesthetic. But it's an obvious tell.

 

So what are the weird shits the grandparents are doing? Wait, do I want to talk about the kids? They're cute. The boy is--They're both slightly annoying. They're white and look like mannequins at Gymboree. But they made me care about them, so it's successful acting mostly. The boy is more annoying because he has a lisp and, like, raps. It is HORRIFYING. I am not being hyperbolic. I had to skip that bit at the end because I would have had an aneurysm if I was forced to suffer through that. I think I also skipped the other time he "rapped" in the movie? It was so bad, I'm sorry, don't ever do that again. But aside from that, the boy is okay. He's actually the more...I think rational one? Or no lol, the one who wants to put up a camera to record the grandparents at night. Cuz duh! Also, he used the words "ratchet acne" to describe some ugly dude his sister had a crush on, and I will always love him for that. 

The girl one has insecurities that did not seem to be of any real significance except to play into the whole kids of a broken home angle, which I guess was supposed to add the ~emotional feel~, but I didn't need all that. It was enough for the kids to be alone in the house with these creepy ass grandparents. 

Let's tuck into the weirdness!:

-gramma spider-crawling like a crazy person under the crawlspace thing when the kids were messing around under there. Can we talk about how weird ass shit like this would happen and they'd just be like "lol wtf". NAH!!! I'M CALLING MY MOM AND TELLING HER ASS TO PICK ME THE FUCK UP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!! fuck you mean!!!!! 

-OKAY LIKE WHEN THE BOY FOUND THE GRANDPA'S PILE OF SOILED DIAPERS IN THAT SHED!! UMMMMMM! NOOOOO I'M GOING HOME!!!!! They kept saying things like ~this is what old people do~ ~~this is how old people are~~ UM, SOO?! DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE AND BE CREEPED OUT AND BE SCARED?! NOOOOOOOO I'M GOING HOME!!

-and like they would skype their mom and be like...gramma and grandpa are being ~wëïrd~~ and the mom would kinda dismiss it because she was getting her groove back?? Um no I would go get my kids because like didn't she leave home for a reason, also isn't it weird how the grandparents are never around when the kids call her? I get she's estranged from them, but tbh she should've reconciled before sending her kids over there like wtf, or at least opened a line of communication so you can talk to them and make sure they're taking care of your kids properly LIKE WTF!! No but now it makes sense why M. Night uses white people a lot because they be on that bs and it just makes the ridiculousness of these movies go over better I guess

-the girl walked in on the grandpa clearly about to kill himself?? He had a shotgun in his mouth and she did nothing? WHAT DO U MEAN?! SHE SAW HIM BECAUSE SHE WAS RECORDING WHEN SHE WENT IN THERE!! WHAT the fuck!!!

-the gramma would be like scratching the walls up at night and running around and throwing up and shit and when the kids asked the grandpa about it he told them she had some sort of sundowners disease or some shit that makes old people go crazy when it gets dark out? UM OKAY I WANT TO GO HOME!!!  

-um that dusty old broad asking baby girl to climb in the oven. UM, NOOOO?? THIS OVEN JUST WON'T GET CLEAN. Fuck you mean!! Then the boy going like "Gramma..." when she closed the door on the girl UM NO BEAT THAT BITCH'S ASS!! I don't get it...

So turns out the grandparents aren't even their actual gramps. I figured once the grandma "accidentally" broke the camera on their laptop, that it would turn out to be something in that vein. And def knew what the tea was when they fixed the camera and skyped their mom complaining about all the crazy shit lol and the girl turned the camera to the grandparents outside and the mom was like um, that's not your grandparents. It was a good moment, but is it me or SHOULD SHE NOT HAVE BEEN FREAKING OUT MORE! I would've been throwing up, LIKE RUN!!!! The fuck? Lol they was all way too calm. Does this kinda thing happen to white people a lot? Lol like WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?  The entire movie they was just all too nonchalant about mad alarming ass shit lol.

So they karate chopping the grandparents or whatever at the end of the movie. Honestly once we get the tea about them not being the real grandparents, but asylum escapees, it's like aight hurry up and get these fucking kids out the house. All in all, this was a pretty enjoyable movie tbh. The thing I require from any horror film is that they make me care about the characters and I cared about the kids and what happened to them, so it was a success for me. Well, mostly, let's not take it too far smh. But don't ever end a movie with a white kid rapping ever again or I will personally go to your home and take a shit on your head while you sleep, M. Night Shyamalan. Though you seem like you'd lowkey be into that. Hit me up if you are ;)

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The Visit

Christine (2016)

So this performance by Rebecca Hall seems like a get nominated for awards type of deal? But I guess nah? I thought this was such a great role for her awkward ass and an almost to basically amazing performance? She was SO WEIRD!! Christine was out here looking like Abigail's alien-abducted ass from The Fourth Kind and I was fucking LIVING.

So because they were like ~based on a true story~ in the beginning of the movie, I was expecting something. I actually thought, because they had Christine in the beginning conducting a fake interview with Richard Nixon, that somehow she'd get really big and be thrust into the spotlight on some political news type shit idk. But as the movie goes on and on you're like.....oh...no. aint nobody letting Christine's awkward ass on no major news channel. She aint getting to lean-in to Richard Nixon. She gon' kill someone!!! That's how this gonna go! It got VERY live for me once I started getting excited about Christine killing someone smh. I thought she was gonna kill David from Six Feet Under, or that Bob guy, but she ended up blasting herself? Um. FIRST OF ALL DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN? Like was this for real on TV? My terrible ass is DEVASTATED that I didn't get to see something like this in real time. But yo, why was Christine so extreme? They imply in the movie she has some sort of ~issue~. Something happened in Chicago. It was quite vague and annoying. I like to diagnose characters and Christine seemed maybe like she had Aspergers? And like, if so, this was a problematic portrayal lol smh.

Who are we supposed to sympathize with when Christine does that therapy thing that George thrusts upon her? First of all, who is that exercise supposed to help? Not no one with real problems like Christine, obviously lol. I wanted to die when the girl kept countering Christine with that hippie ass ~*~change ur way of thinking~*~ bs and it's clear Christine has like one lane she focuses on. Very uncomfortable making!! That chic was like Manage Your Expectations. I felt Christine was entitled to want the things she wanted...though, I disagreed with her being in love with George because he was a douchebag and even in so many words himself, called himself a dummy, so. Also Christine needed to be way more patient? If you're a Freak you either 1. like that chick said, need to manage ur expectations, or 2. wait. Freaks have to wait for shit. That's just how it is. This is one freak speaking to another.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT how I was relating to Christine more than I wanted to? NO!! Let's move on!! WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW AWKWARD SHE WAS??? When she approached that couple and was being all weird staring at them. Even I know when to wrap it up and my social skills are lost in the Bermuda Triangle with Tupac. Like, Christine!!! And okay! What about Jonah from Veep who like obviously had a crush on Christine, right? Why did he not register to her at all? I guess it was her streamlined thinking? Freak to freak: always go for taller. George was like the same height or possibly even shorter than Christine because lesbihonest, this was the seventies and he was probably wearing heeled boots. All this brouhaha could've been avoided had Christine just gotten her shit beat up by Jonah from Veep. But, if she didn't think he was cute then she didn't think he was cute. But Christine your eyebrows are sitting on your face like owls and everyone can tell you masturbate with clothespins, so spare me! 

I felt so bad for Christine's "friend" Jean. Also her mom of course (but not totally because the coddling for a grown woman throwing a tantrum is a no no), but mostly Jean. Christine was a fake friend! Or maybe like a Sheldon Cooper sort of friend? If Christine had a laugh track, I'd be less disturbed, but it didn't, so now I just want to kill myself. Sike! You thot! I've still never had $19 avocado toast, so until then, I'm Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. But Jean seemed to really care for Christine? But the ending especially made their friendship seem one-sided. I was really sad when Christine didn't go get ice cream with Jean? Like she's helping to calm you down and loves you and just go get ice cream? And then...Christine shoots herself LIKE!!!!! DIDN'T CHRISTINE SHOOT HERSELF IN THE MIDDLE OF JEAN'S BIG STORY? RIGHT? WHICH SHE INTENTIONALLY FUCKED UP FOR HER OWN STUNT QUEEN BULLSHIT?! Christine is whack. 

The ending with Jean eating ice cream and singing out loud is never anything I ever need to see again, thanks :( But shoutouts to my lightkey acting bae, Maria Dizzia whom I've been lowkey stanning for since she creeped me out in Martha Marcy May Marlene. We doing big things. (You're doing big things, I have this blog. And not even a Wordpress. Blogspot. I need some ice cream and Anita Baker... I don't listen to happy music. I literally throw up when I hear jaunty tunes lol. But anyway, Tinashe, when is Joyride coming out? This shit is getting ridiculous at this point smh..) 

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Christine

The Wizard of Lies (2017)

Lol, lowkey is the title of this movie anti-Semitic? I'm screaming. The Wizard of Lies? Idk, maybe I'm reaching? I'm not Jewish so barely care lol, but I thought I've seen like nazi propaganda representing Jews as wizards? Lol i want to throw up. Maybe I'm thinking of something else, or being anti-Semitic myself? I don't care enough about anything to be like properly prejudice, so I think it's this movie being hella problematic!! 

So this movie was...pretty good. I think it could have hit harder, but I think an issue I was having was that I was not feeling sympathetic for people I......think I should have? Like Bernie's victims. Maybe because usually when I hear about this case it's like some old people gave Bernie all their money to invest and then just sat back and let him be fully in charge of their entire future? Like...that doesn't make sense to me. First of all, investing, as far as I know it to be, is much like gambling. I am not quite sure why I am supposed to be hashtag frowny face about people who gave someone all of their life savings and just felt it was all good? You have no idea how this will go... Are you nuts? That doesn't make sense at all. This sounds like victim blaming, and I guess it is? And then maybe also anti-Semitic lmao because it's like why would you trust him? It sucks they lost their money but they seem really dumb for real!! It was hard for me to care, SORRY!! 

Another. Sigh, another person I didn't feel sorry for...was...yikes, Mark??? I mean, can we say pwussy boy. UM GET SOME BASS IN YOUR CHEST AND MAKE CLEAR THE LOBSTER WILL MAKE YOUR TUMMY HURT. The fuck. Mark's whack ass was getting on my last nerve. You're a grown man still groveling for daddy's approval? I can't. I can't. do this!!! But he really lost me when the paps or whatever were harassing him and his family on the street and he just abandoned his wife and kids out there with them to run into the apartment building. You're weak. Plain and simp. I get he's dead and that's awful, but every time I hear about these richie rich dudes killing themselves it's like girl, please.

I feel bad for Andrew maybe? Maybe. I think so many people think they knew what their dad was up to but I believed how the movie presented them. Though of course you can argue they may have gone out of their way not to know what their dad was up to, ignored stuff, or didn't push hard enough when they tried to ask about his business dealings. Do you think he felt guilty and manifested cancer? I don't know! But it's nuts both of Madoff's sons are dead. This is like, some karmic debt type shit. Hella fucked up. Like eventho I was dragging the poop outta Mark, def don't feel he deserved to be dead? And if he felt guilty if he lived maybe he could've done something to make up for it? His death does nothing. Sucks. But now I'm remembering he killed himself with his baby son still in the apartment with no one to care for him so I'M OVER IT! BYE, MARK!! 

Performance wise, it was solid. I've never seen Madoff talk or anything, so I don't know how accurate Bobby D was hitting it, but I thought he was doing a good job at playing a complete sociopath. And he just sucked me in real good to the bs. I love De Niro so I was excited right away when I first heard about this and am totally biased and have no idea if he was actually good but probably he was :) Probably my fave performance was Michelle's Ruth. I wonder if the real Ruth talks like that? I assume. Idk, but I was living for Michelle, she was so funny. That whole thing with her saying she was going to kill herself and being mad casual about it and them taking the pills lol that was so funny please. I also liked Hank Azaria's performance. I wonder if Frank had not come down when the FBI were there would they have discovered the 17th floor? Probably, I guess, because other people knew about it. But if he hadn't've come down he could've at least deleted files in time?? Lol why........why did I want him to have more time to delete files. My poor ass feels too disconnected like if I gave 10 dollars to Madoff to invest and he aint give me that shit back I'd kick him in his fucking neck so I gotta chill lol

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The Wizard of Lies

Crimson Peak (2015)

The scariest thing about this movie was Tom Hiddleston's hairline. Remember when I used to be a Hiddleston...fan? I was never a stan. I always thought he was like Kidz Bop Fassbender. He was goofy from jumpstreet, so when he started to get a bit more famous and that shit was put on blast more, I was not shocked or anything like how I saw a lot of his supporters be. I will say...the Taylor Swift contract was initially a little surprising. Because I thought Tom was a ~*~thespian~*~ and trying to make it on merit. I was not getting contract romance from him. Actually, no. A little I was lol. But not T. Swift beard contract!! That was...extreme. He really fucked up. And then his obnoxious, horrible speech at the Globes lol. And then all those embarrassing and lowkey disturbing interviews he did after him and that scarecrow "broke up". Wow, like I always knew he was a lame, but I could never foresee all of this lol. 

It's weird to watch him now? Not super much. Like, I kinda still like Tom Cruise and he's Hiddleston on eleven, you know? So he's not completely ruined, but it's not the same like it was back in...idk, 2012? When did I start caring about his ass? It was whenever I watched The Deep Blue Sea, which isn't even a good movie, but he turned up and I got my life. I think he's a good actor. The only thing I like about that Avengers mess is him as Loki. He's all Shakespeare and out of place lol, I gag.

When I first heard about this movie, it was ages ago, and I got excited. But once it was finally out I was like eh whatever. With the exception of Charlie Hunnam, the main cast is pretty legit. But none of them...slay me. The one who has slay potential is Hiddleston and honestly he's ruined for me. I saw a ~sexy~ photoshoot he did wearing like Dad boxers and a sad wife beater and he can't ever take that back. He can't ever take that back. So like the cast was good, but no one here is pulling me in. This movie was okay. It was kind of...eh. Who did this - Guillermo? I used to be into him....then I saw Pacific Rim, which was one of the worst movies I have ever suffered through? So he's half-cancelled. He can have good ideas sometimes. He did Pan's, right? My lazy ass REFUSES to google, so let's just say yeah. I love that movie, it's so fanciful and dark. But Crimson Peak aint on that level. Too many whites being white lol. It's like yeah we get it. And then there were too obvious references to Notorious (1946). Made me uncomfy. Almost like they weren't references, but...simply stolen and the filmmakers just fingers-crossed and hoped audiences wouldn't notice? 

I don't care about the story or going over it. It was predictable. Nothing to write about. I liked some of the--actually all of the costuming was pretty great, but I don't watch movies for costumes. I'm here for story, so I barely want to note it. There were some cool effects and etc, but ultimately this shit fell flat. Like the audience at the Globes when Tom was giving his speech talking about how some off-brand miniseries he did helps people in Third World countries not kill themselves or something.

---

Crimson Peak

Masterpiece of Shit Theater, Episode 8: The Eiger Sanction (1975)

Um, what was this???? Why did--Why was this made?? You know how on the HBO streaming app thing they have the little picture? Right like on all streaming apps smh, but anyway the pic they had for this movie was Clint and Vonetta McGee's heads like really close or something and I was like OKAY INTERRACIAL SEXINESS. Because I'm a piece of shit. But Vonetta looked mad good and extra seventies honey pie, you know? So I clicked to read what the movie was about. The description was like blah blah something spy? And then Clint has to kill people on a mountain. So I'm thinking about Vonetta and her curly afro and Clint wearing a fucking North Face fleece or some shit and I want to throw up I'm so happy, so I watch. I GOTTA stop choosing to watch shit based off mad superficial shit because this was highly sus. Just the whole thing. But lowkey? I kind of...really hated it. But I had fun hating it, and that's all you can really ask for. (No, you can ask for way more! Things can be so much better!!!)

So UHHHHHHHHH!! Clint and his hairdo plays some ex-CIA operative or some mess named Johnathan Hemlock. He's "retired" now and works as...I forgot what he was teaching at the college. But he's a professor. And you can tell he's a good guy and teach because he doesn't fuck his students. But he slaps their ass when he tells them to go home and study?????????????? So RIGHT AWAY the movie is sus, but I'm trying to ignore it because I'm like Clint is an old school, ~str8 wyTE geye~*~*~ and this is the seventies, so things are really bad and terrible lol, so of course. FINE.

Some CIA...courier? Maybe? Shows up at Clint's office and is like...the CIA people want him to come out of retirement for some special job. Clint's like no. He throws the CIA courier dude, who is like mad greasy and weird, out of his office. I started kind of laughing about some stuff with this. Like Clint kind of busting this dude up a bit? Idk, something about it was so funny and like ridiculous to me. But honestly at this point I'm still trying to take the movie seriously? For some reason? So I'm not like...trying to laugh lol. 

BUT NAH AS SOON AS THEY INTRODUCED DRAGON I WAS LIKE LOL OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH OF ME VIEWING THIS THROUGH ANY SORT OF SERIOUS LENS. So Dragon is the Boss. Tbh, I have no idea what's going on lol. I don't even fully know if this was the CIA or some other shit or if they even said. Honestly? No one cares. But the"boss" is named Dragon, and before they even show him onscreen, they have characters talking about him, describing him. They're like He's Albino. And I'm like okaaaaaaay lol. BUT WAIT IT'S SO WEIRD BECAUSE IF YOU'VE KNOWN THIS MAN FOR A WHILE, WHY WOULD HIS ALBINISM BE A POINT OF CONVERSATION? Maybe! Maybe. Talking about someone being albino, having it be a Thing, is...acceptable-ish after you just met someone for the first time. And you're just like, They're Albino. But even then it's like...ehhh lol. It's no good for the most part. But everyone talking about Dragon in the movie already knows this man but they're all lowkey roasting him for being albino while at the same time like weirdly explaining him being albino in like an expository sort of way for the audience? Was albinism not like a known thing in the seventies? Like did it just get ~discovered~? HONESTLY I'M GETTING THOSE TEAS BECAUSE I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW OFFENSIVE THEIR PORTRAYAL OF AN ALBINO PERSON WAS IN THIS MOVIE OMFGGGGGG!!   

Clint is making all these offensive ass comments about Dragon lol calling him a lizard or some shit. Well, his name is Dragon...... BUT WHYYYYY TELL ME WHYYYY CLINT WALKS INTO DRAGON'S OFFICE AND IT'S JUST LIKE ALL RED LIGHT AND HE HAS RED FUCKING EYES AND EXPLAINS (FOR WHOSE SAKE????) THAT YOU KNOW DIRECT LIGHT CANNOT HIT HIM. OR??? HE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS???? I'M FUCKING CRYING THIS WAS SO OFFENSIVE!! And then I think later in the movie he's getting his blood replaced entirely????? Is this all what albinism is about?? Lol I LOVE how I'm trying to go in on them for their offensive portrayal when I know literally zero things about albinism but smh it just seemed...real rude. AND THEN ON TOP OF EVERYTHING DRAGON WAS MAD CREEPY? Just like the way he was talking and sitting up in that dark ass room. I...can't. 

So El Albino is telling Clint about the mission he wants him to do. Something something...a guy Clint used to work with was murdered. Two dudes were responsible maybe? Or one? Or one did the killing and one delivered the message for the killing to be done? Idfk. No. I think there were two killer dudes and then a traitor/messenger type smfh. I can't pay attention when I watch spy-type movies like what all is occurring. Beats me! 

Anyway. Clint says no at first to the whole deal. Then Dragon threatens him, implying the IRS would audit him maybe and see Clint owns mad expensive ass paintings and wonder how someone could afford all that on a professor's salary. So Clint's like Alright. But he says his fee goes up 10k. I know this was in the seventies, but 10k seems small to commit murder? lol What was 10k in 197whatever? Maybe the conversion is in the hundred thousands? But I feel like it's not? And yikes!! But Dragon hands Clint his pay and the 20k is in the envelope??? And Clint is like Am I that predictable?? And Dragon slithers his fork tongue and is like You are Far From Predictable, My Göød BOY or something and he's just so creepy and disgusting lol.

Clint is supposed to kill two guys for sure but again I forgot/don't know what was happening lol. He killed one dude, threw him out a window. Then the other guy, the one he's supposed to kill on the mountain, the CIA is saying they don't know his identity, just that he'll be on a climbing expedition and has a limp. So Clint has to figure it out. Lol smh. How do you know all that this unidentified person is going to be in a specific place, doing a specific thing but don't know whom he is? Lol okay! Also if they told me to do this mission I would pass like wtf what do you mean you don't know who I'm sposed to kill? Fuck outta here, this is highly unprofesh!! 

So Clint taking the plane somewhere. I forgot where? To meet his old buddy, Ben? Wait, what was the order of things? When did he meet Jemima??? I'm...pretty sure it was after he killed the first dude, but right before he was going to hook up with Ben so he could "train" for the climbing expedition? Idfk, BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW "THE BLACK CHICK'S" NAME WAS JEMIMA?? Girl, bye!!! (Girl, being Clint Eastwood. He needs to Stop and die!!). And then Clint had the audacity to, like, make a comment about how on-the-nose a black woman being named Jemima was. GIRL, ANYWAY!! HER NAME JEMIMA CUZ YOU WROTE IT THAT WAY!! Wait, did Clint write this movie lol did he even direct smfh idk too lazy 2 check but I am holding him responsible. 

Jemima's a stewardess on the plane Clint takes. She flirts hardcore with him, to the point that I'm like this is unprofessional and inappropriate lol. Like she starts a convo with him by looking over his shoulder and reading something he's writing. Um, don't ever look over my shoulder and read anything I'm doing??? BUT ANYWAY HOW CLINT AINT KNOW SHE WAS A SPY BITCH?! COME ON NOW!!! She was going hard in the paint via flirting with his dusty ass, but I guess he think he sew GQ so of course she'd be risking getting fired? To engage in inappropriate banter with a dude who wears aviator shades and has a feathered hairdo?? Um, girl...I guess.

CLINT GETS OFF THE PLANE AND THEN OUTSIDE JEMIMA IS IN A TAXI WAITING FOR HIM? And still nothing is sus to you? Okay. So she and Clinty do the smush smush, then the next morning Clint wake up and his money and shit is gone. NO DUH!!! I actually think Dragon didn't tell Clint about the climbing thing until Jemima stole from him and he actually sent her to seduce Clint so she'd take his money so Dragon could have his attention and tell him about the limp guy? Again, no....idea. And I just don't care. But blah blah, Jemima show back up at Clint's like?? She wasn't working for Dragon and didn't steal money from him? And then got mad when Clint called her a whore or something? She was genuinely tryna be his bae and it was really weird because you were totally dishonest from the jump, but also just met him yesterday? Like, she's hot enough to pull that off, but still lol. It was weird how like offended, and taken aback she was at Clint being upset and dismissing her? Very strange lol.

So Clint--Wait, can we talk about how Clint explains to Jemima his old spy friends or whatever? How one of the friends betrayed them. Then points to one guy, Ben, and says he's his bestie. Jemima's delusional ass is like Friends, Enemies, Where Do I Fit In? UM, YOU JUST MET HIM YESTERDAY AND ROBBED HIM???????? But anyway, forget Jemima's pretty ass being clearly insane, when Clint was talking about his buddies I immediately knew Ben was the one he was after? Lol. ummm. I'm not gonna act like I was totally sure, because I'm slow and dumb, but I was pretty sure, so it was awkward how Clint was going to Ben's to train and being like Ur My Best Friend the whole time. Smh.

George Kennedy's way too tan ass plays Ben and is all, like, earnest. Overly so? Like clearly you're the murder dude Clint has to kill but anyway. Ben assigns his daughter George to help train Clint and I think she's supposed to be Native and also never speaks? And also Clint is like BUT UR A GURL when Ben says she'll help him train? Smfh, but can we talk about how George isn't introduced as Ben's daughter so spoiler alert that's revealed towards the end after Keyser Söze gets exposed and ~confesses~. But like, if Ben is such a gr8 friend of Clint's how cum he don't know he had a daughter? BUT ANYWAY!! 

So when Dragon was telling Clint about the mission, he mentions how one of their friends was the one who delivered the messaged for the murder or whatever. This dude named Miles, played in the most zesty, offensive ass way. You see, Miles is GAY!!!! He comes to see Clint, to plead for his life pretty much. He's like, I know who the guy is you want to kill and I'll tell you in exchange for you not murdering me. Miles' dog is named Faggot, so Clint is like No. Nah, that's not the reason he kills him, but it'd be mine. CAN WE TALK ABOUT Clint beating up Miles' bodyguard? This dude was jacked. SPARE ME!!!! Also, can we talk about how Clint never got the info from Miles? Smh...why not? He coulda lied to Miles and told him he wouldn't kill him, got the inf, then dropped his ass in the middle of the desert. STUPID!   

It should've been MAD FUCKING OBVIOUS Ben was The One, when they were checking into the hotel for the climbing thing and they didn't have a room for him. Oh, the ground man of the climbing expedition doesn't have a room? Oh, okay! Yeah right! But Clint looking at the other dudes on the climbing trip like, HM WHO IS IT. Smh, none of them? There are some Germans and Swedes maybe? Maybe a Jew? I forgot they were all pretty irrelevant. I think the Nazi one was maybe interesting. He was like really cocky and a douche when they went climbing. He'd like go up ahead without checking on the climbers behind him. But anyway, I never thought any of these dudes was the killer. They were too irrelevant in the grand scheme. But it was wild how they ALL got killed tryna climb that mountain. Like, I'm fucking screaming? Lol Clint the only one that survived? SUS. 

Clint about to die on the mountain and Ben is there to save him. He throws a line to him that Clint has to tie around his body, then Ben instructs him to cut his other line, so they can pull him in. It was funny how Clint was deliberating. Because he saw the limp so knew it was Ben at this point. He was like You're limping, Ben. It would've been a good moment if this whole movie wasn't completely ridiculous. And I get it was meant to be sort of funny, but it was funny mostly to me in ways they did not intend, so...

The ending was sort of anti-climatic? Ben ~confesses~ and explains that maybe he betrayed his friends to get help for his daughter, George, who used to be a drug addict? Lol um, so? You got someone murdered? And also almost Clint? But shrug. Clint just like gets over it. And Ben is kind of like So, We Cool? And Clint kind of just looks at him, but then is like Maybe. Um. But you left Miles to die and I don't think he even actually committed a murder??? Lol is it cuz he was gay? Smh. Miles did have lipgloss on, though. So though his murder was basically a hate act, he did kind of deserve to die for wearing lip gloss..... That's just how it is. Maybe it's not right, but it is...what it is.......  

Um, do I want to get into all that shit about how the mission was a "fraud" and just done for show something something nuclear codes????? And how that kind of ruined any suspense the climbing expedition might've had? NO, LET'S IGNORE THAT WE ALREADY WENT OVER HOW GOOFY THIS MOVIE IS. But can we talk about how at the end of the movie Jemima was angling to still be Clint's bae? And then he told her to get two tickets so they could go home together? Um? Lol, I guess. This movie was bad lol. Like, just straight up, not...good. But I was still entertained, sigh. I'm so predictable. Dragon wouldn't slither his tongue and flash his red eyes at me :/

The Eiger Sanction

Sister, Sister (1982)

So this movie concerns the Lovejoy family, specifically the three remaining liteskint Lovejoy sisters. Oh, and the oldest one has a liteskint son played by that soap dude Kristoff St. John which has to be a real name it is too ridiculous to be made up. 

This was a cool, slice of life type of movie, I suppose. Understand I watched this on youtube, and don't make me bring it up again. Okay I have to one more time to mention how someone in the comments said they missed how movies were just about life and stories instead of...idk, cars or superheroes or whatever. Agreed? In a way. Because I am not one of those people who is nostalgic. I think there are pros and cons to each era, but ultimately I am a huge champion of like, progression and moving forward and even if we get a cool little thing like this in the eighties, we have so many more resources and knowledge now to make way cooler shit? Though often we don't but that's...I'm just too stupid to get into alladat so imma just enjoy this one-off for what it is and keep it moving. Though I do want to have a moment to wish we can do more things like this now. Was this a TV movie? They definitely don't make TV movies like this now. TV movies be mad extra. This movie is just about some sisters and I am so...ruined, that the whole time I'm waiting for like some horrible incest reveal when the worst thing that was ~revealed~ was a suicide by fire, but that happened off-screen ages ago. This was just a story about sisters and a family.

So Diahann Carroll plays the snobby, sort of judgmental Carolyne Lovejoy. Judgmental for no reason cuz she fucking the pastor or whatever of her church and pretty sure homeslice is married. Also he stole from the church for some campaign shit and she helped his dusty ass. But she has the nerve to be walking around all pious, tryna tell her younger sister, Sissy, what to do, or making her older sister, Frieda, feel uncomfortable for mistakes she's made, and her...outgoing personality. 

I am not even trying to be funny, but what was the deal with Freida dancing at the church function? I didn't grow up going to church, so I am admittedly not familiar, but was it really that big a d for her to be turning up? Lol. I guess because they were singing hymns or something? I'm a godless heathen so I genuinely did not get it, but can we talk about Rosalind Cash? First of all I looked her up and I'm annoyed she's dead. And then her credits leave much to be desired. But I saw she's from New Jersey so I immediately felt I understood everything about her. I loved her whole vibe and she was chewing it the fuck up in this. Just this one performance alone in some random little TV movie makes me want to see everything she has ever done big or small. If you tell me this broad did a Alka-Seltzer commercial in 1976 - I want to see it! And I want to figure out if there's some way she can get a posthumous award for it, because I know she kills it. This is literally the only performance I've seen from her, I believe, and I just know she's slayed all the other things she's done. 

  

Can we talk about how much I hated that pastor dude--oh he was a Reverend. See! I know nothing about church shit. But I just hated his, like, small compact afro lol. And he was so obviously...greasy. A lame. Who asks their girl to bail them out financially? Their mistress at that! And Carolyne's dazzled ass just going on right along with the shit. I don't know HOW MANY TIMES this bitch mentioned in the movie that her house was all she had. If she didn't have her house she'd be nothing. Yet she mortgaged it to assist her clearly morally defunct Reverend bae? If he having an affair on his wife with you, clearly that denotes poor character. I wouldn't lend my money to shit! But especially not a nigga sneaking around on his wife. Of which I have full knowledge of! He not even tryna hide his shit from her and she just throwing all she has at him and I honestly do not understand. It's not like Carolyne ugly. You Diahann Carroll, girl, get a fuggin grip! AND HE FUCKED FREIDA!!! Smh, lemme calm down lol. Fuggin lame ass!! 

Wait but did anyone think Sissy would turn out to be Carolyne or Freida's daughter and the dad would turn out to be...the dad? See. I told you, I'm ruined. I was fully expecting some shock reveal moment like that. They shock revealed the truth behind the fire, but also that the mom didn't want to have Sissy, the dad forced her, which is part of why she killed herself. Sissy in the cut like "I knew it!" and Freida, my queen, WENT THE FUCK AWF on ol' girl like "AINT NOBODY EVER GONNA WANT YOU, YOU GOTTA WANT YOURSELF!". And honestly? Tea.

I was honestly upset at the end when Sissy left Carolyne to go do ice skating in NY. Carolyne was like begging her to stay and it was really sad? I UNDERSTAND why Sissy had to leave, it was just really sad, okay? Eventho Carolyne was a hypocritical bitch, and someone I'd go out of my way to avoid in real life, I felt bad for her. She was like largely pathetic, but not irredeemable, you know? It got even worse when Freida was insisting that she couldn't stay and Carolyne kept asking her not to go? Again, I understand why Freida would feel she needed to get the fuck on, but come on that's your sister the love of your life where are you going THIS IS UPSETTING ME! I was so happy when she came back at the end lol. How come her son and Paul Winfield aint come back in the house? Did they go to Detroit by themselves? Sus. 

Girls, s6

This show ended mad awkwardly. Which I guess is in theme. I've been watching this mess from the beginning. Never had any ideas how it would go. But this show kind of reminds me of Always Sunny. It feels like the type of show that could go on and on forever with the characters just getting progressively worse, and that's comedy folks. Girls is kind of different I guess because they try to have genuine emotional moments, but they should never do that because I don't care about the emotions of: Hannah, Marnie and Shosh, only I care about: Adam, Ray and my bae Jessa, but if the latter three are having ~emotions~, likely something is happening I don't like, so put it back! 

It was really eyerolly that they had Hannah end up pregnant. Mainly it had me wondering...how she never ended up preg before. Especially when she was with Adam. I don't think I ever saw condoms mentioned. Was she on birth control? Confused. And then I guess she goes on assignment and goes all the fuck out for some reason? The  thing--okay, two things--I liked about the baby storyline was 1. my baby girl Riz Ahmed snatching acting jobs and checks, and 2. that CUTE ASS FUCKING MEATBALL BABY they got to play Grover. I liked to see my bae and that bae. But the storyline felt very WE'RE ENDING THE SHOW SO!!! Were Lena and co forced to wrap it up? Because this was not gluten-free organic at all.

I was highly upset with Adam tryna be someone's baby daddy. I woulda kicked that bitch in his fucking thick ass chest if I was Jessa, but she always on some Kewl Gurl shit, so acted unbothered. Um, no. When she threw up in the toilet I thought she was gonna be pregnant and it would be lit because she and Hannah would be preg at the same time except one would actually be Adam's kid (probably). But the whole thing was lame. Like they really had Jessa going to some random bar and picking up some gross dude and it's like what is this season 1. No, these people won't get better, but at least give me some variation in self-destructive behavior the fuck. But I felt extra some type of way about all of this because I've been shipping Jessa and Adam from the beginning, so they get together and I'm excited but then you have this mess with the movie and Adam wanting to revisit the tundra of his relationship with Hannah and I'm just like DEEP SIGH. Maybe the women didn't change too much on the show, but the men kind of did. Adam the most. Like Adam season 1 to Adam final season is such a 180. He still weird as shit and looks like the unfortunate result of a romance between like John Wilkes Booth and the fucking Loch Ness Monster, but I didn't see final form Adam as someone who would still want to be playing games with a woman who has worser hair and smaller titties than him. It's just not realistic. 

American Bitch is something you write thinking you are doing something and then you read it over and realize you are a piece of fucking shit with no talent whom no one will ever love. It's clear Lena or whomever wrote this episode never does that part, and that's probably good because then we get terrible TV like this that I can talk shit about :) I don't even feel like it tbh, but it was real dumb how he took his ugly dick out. I woulda just walked out with the book. Also I hear about Philip Roth a lot but have never read him (I don't know how to read). He sounds like a bad blend of George Carlin and Woody Allen, so I am, unfortch, intrigued. I did like how that awkward mulatto girl's flute-playing coincided with...it was "Desperado" right? It was some Rihanna song probably. Anyway, at the end of the day, ANTI was pretty lit.

I always like Elijah. Anytime I write about the show I never talk about him lol, but he's funny as hell. Rude as shit. He reminds me a little of Roger Smith, which is high praise. Him and this White Bois Can't Jump Musical was killing my soul. When he hit that bitch in the face with the basketball then still threw a shot I wanted to kill myself and go straight to hell to meet his maker. I was very...happy. I also loved him going the fuck in on Hannah, saying she'd be a bad mom. Um, cuz she will be? And her baby is diverse. PLEASE! HOW IS THIS SHOW NOT GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER SEASON WITH HANNAH BEING A MOM ARE YOU KIDDING? smfh, HBO!! 

Big Little Lies, Season 1

1. When THE FUCK is season 2 and

2. Why did I like this show so much?

This feels like the type of show I would've stanned hard for in, like, 2009. Like, really feeling I'm doing something being a fan of some ~high brow~ drama on cable. Like when I first started watching Mad Men or something lol. But this is...2017. A show like this is almost a little stale? Like, honestly? This show was lowkey whack lol. Like the storylines and how...guessable everything was? And also kind of trying mad hard to hit all these points. Like, I don't know if we were supposed to clock Jane's tea from jumpstreet, but I had the entire ~mysterious~ broad figured out by like the end of episode 2, sooooo idk!! And then all the kind of cliché things with the marriages and the kids and the milky ass white people drama. 

BUT OKAY WHY DID I LOVE IT SO MUCH ANYWAY, THO?? I think...probably fairly good to Great acting from the main actresses: Reese, Nicole, Shailene and Laura. These ladies typically to always deliver. Remember when I used to kind of not care about Shailene but saw Divergent and for some reason that changed my mind about her lol. Reese...I like sometimes? I don't feel I'm a Reese fan, but I'm not not into her? And I loved her here, she was funny and like bitchy and like very Reese, which may/may not count as acting but let's ignore that! And then Laura's weird ass. At first when I found out about Laura Dern as a human actress, I was horrified. And I continue to be. But that's a good thing mostly. And my bae Nicole. I stan Nicole almost for no reason. Like sometimes I sit and think...Am I a Nicole Kidman stan? And just feel weird. But she's a good actress and we don't need to get into that too much!! Thank you!! 

So the show is about a bunch of white people from some California beach town or some shit and it's like I already seent The O.C., but anyway! It mainly focuses on like four white moms.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW AWKWARD THIS SHOW WAS WITH, LIKE, BLACK STUFF? This isn't the type of show...where I'm watching wondering where all the niggas at. This is a story about white people by white people I presume, so I am not looking for fucking Isaiah Washington or CCH Pounder or anything, you know? But I felt weird about two things, as a black person who is constantly feeling weird about certain things lol:

1. Zoë Kravitz kinda being put out there as one of the leads when she was barely in the show and they kept making comments about how her awkward dancing and benign singing was making all the guys in the room have boners?????

and

2. Like most of the music was black? And then it was weird when they were singing Elvis songs towards the end? I can't...tell if this was on purpose. I don't think so??? I think this is just a show made by white people and they have like no idea. Like they genuinely have no idea. And that's...pretty bad!!! lol. Felt weird. Again, don't expect to see any black people in this type of show and do. not. care. if they are there and would honestly prefer if they weren't? Because this sum ratchet white people bs let's keep it real so like I don't need Blair Underwood playing someone's uncomfortable stepdad (I would love that, actually). It's fine! But like...next time just have no trace of black people at all. Not even crumbs of a trace with a Zoë-type shoved awkwardly in to sprinkle some ~sex appeal~ on this dusty shit. I can't be the only bitch you was making uncomfortable with this shit! There are at least three other people who watched this and felt the same way!! So change your show to make sure we don't feel weird next seaz, thanks!!! 

But anyway I mostly liked the show until I remember how lame it was how they presented Celeste's storyline and the abuse going on there. Everyone kept talking about how perfect and beautiful her and the Incredible Hulk were. It was eyeroll and yawn. First off all! Nicole Kidman needs to go back to curly, red hair and people need to not act like she's Charlize Theron in 2004. She's alright. And Alexander Skarsgård is kinda hella awkward? In motion. I could see him being a model (standing completely still!) and people salivating or whatever, but watching him move and talk, he looks like a fucking goof. I would never in my life look at Celeste and Jorm or whatever his name was lol and be like SO PERFECT SO BEAUTY. Like they look MAD WHITE!! Lol smh. And Celeste would clearly be mad uncomfy with him?? And their sons look like children of the corn! Fuck outta here! But yeah everyone was so fooled. 

Lol remember when Celeste was telling Madeline how she and Jorm's fights always culminate in fucking and Madeline was all lowkey disgusted and disturbed lol. Honestly? I feel fucked up because that wouldn't ping my radar like that. What would is Celeste telling me they have actual intercourse at all. They both look like they don't have any genitals. Honestly I would think she was just tryna make me think they have some sexy ass romance but really they just like play patty cake in the gazebo and then Jorm sometimes kicks her hard in the shin when she takes too long finding him when they play Hide & Seek. BUT THAT'S JUST ME!! 

The storyline I thought was really good was Jane's. Wait, not necessarily good. It was kind of hackneyed like the rest (Celeste and her whack ass affair, pleeeeez!!), but the way Shailene played it was really good, and it had...emotional weight, even tho it was kind of awkward to like right away know who the father of her child was...? Lol, like when they were looking for that Saxon dude it was like okay..............it's not him lol. But um, it still gave me some emotions, and I felt very lit af in my heart when she finally sees Jorm at the end and like grips Celeste's arm and shit pops the fuck awf. Can we talk how that scene was simultaneously super amazing but also like really, super bad lol. Just Bonnie's nosy ass alone not minding her fucking business and killing someone's husband lol. Uhhhh did Celeste say you could do that? Idk, girl! And how do you see one arm grab and think something is investigate-able? I guess they painted Bonnie as being like some Mother Earth ass I care for all people type broad, but she seemed fake ass fuck when she was judging her nigga for eating that cereal, so I don't know. 

But like what was up with that waiter dude? Played by Shawn Ashmore probably. I died when Jane was like Ur Str8? But then took him as her date to that terrible themed party??? WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AUBREY HEPBURN ELVIS PRESLEY THEMED PARTY? What is that?! That was one of the moments where I felt okay this is on purpose and they're making fun of how lame these type of people can be? But it wasn't clear because like everyone unironically participated sooooooo??? 

Girl, whatever, when season 2? Stop playing games--WAIT BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE AFFAIR HAS DEACON AS A COP AND BIG LITTLE LIES HAS KELLY AS A ONE????? Am I the only lame that is excited about the dumbest shit? Judging by all the  hype this show got: no!!!! 

The Temptations (1998)

This is my favorite LEON movie I've never seen. Leon is my favorite auntie, and I want to see anything he's sashaying shanteing in. I've been wanting to see The Temptations for ages because I would see people/gifs quoting that Aint nobody comin' 2 see u Otis scene and I would die inside with so much happiness. I just knew this movie would hit all my Leon spots. Anyway, can someone make it illegal for me to have this blog? Thanks.

So I watched this on YouTube (please...) and they made it like a movie, but this was originally a miniseries? I hope I didn't miss any bits, but honestly it was mad long lol so I think it was summed up pretty good. OR MAYBE NAH! CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE MINISERIES/MOVIE MAKES THE MAIN DUDE (WHOSE FUCKING NAME I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER) (LEMME GO CHECK) (IS IT WOODY?) (I'M FUCKING SKREEMING IT'S OTIS) (I LITERALLY JUST WROTE ABOUT THAT FAMOUS QUOTE LOL I WANT TO DIE) (What the fuck kind of name is Otis smh) 

Anyway....sigh. Can we talk about how the movie doesn't really make Otis look bad or put him at fault for anything? At one point towards the end when Leon kind of thanked Otis for ~being hard on him~ I was kind of like, okay yeah maybe. Maybe Otis was good for cracking dat whip and he was just a good bloke and some of the older (cough) woman in the movie would be like "You're a good man, Otis" and I would be like okay yeah maybe... Lol okay but didn't he cheat on his wife? And then kind of a little expected her to get back with him? Annnnnnnnnnd he wasn't like really in his son's life? And then when his son died he kind of cried for like two seconds and then that was over????? Also all the stuff where he just kept replacing members lol. Like Otis would be like NO MAN IS BIGGER THAN THE GROUP, but you could tell he thought it was his group??? Hm. Like I don't...disagree when he ~fires~ David, or replaces that alkie lol, and I am never gonna be on team support losers. It's just the movie kinda maybe tries to paint him in the best light above everyone. I can tell this because I am suspicious of everyone and usually only see the bad things lol but while watching I was like agreeing with most of his actions and didn't really see too many flaws and that is WILDLY unusual for me, so imma just go ahead and assume he maybe had a hand in the making of the movie? Maybe not idk. But this weirdly reminded me of the Str8 Outta Compton film and how they made Dre look like he was just minding his business making beats when we all know he a demon. And then after I watched the movie, people in the Youtube comments was going the fuck in on Otis lol and I was like okay now this is adding up more. 

So!! lol. I mostly enjoyed the movie. It was HELLA corny in the beginning tho. I was like...oh boyyy. But you gotta be patient with these music biopics and their humble beginning bs. But like, honestly? They aint got to be that corny. They really don't. Like--wait, I was just about to reference Walk the Line as a good example of a movie with like no corny moments in the beginning til I remembered Johnny killed his brother or something and it get dark real quick so nvm. 

Anyway, the beginning was corny. Especially with the other niggas in the group lol it was like nah you gotta go. I really liked D.B. Woodside tho. He was funny and cute and he had that deep ass voice and I was all Leon, who? Like, Leon can stay gone tbh. (No, I'm kidding Leon should've played all the parts LET'S BE FUCKING REAL WITH IT!!). 

Okay but about twenty or so minutes into the movie we meet Leon playing David Ruffin and I am like, OKAY LET'S GO! But also around this time, two new niggas fuse with Otis and his fail band: Eddie Kendricks and Paul Williams. I reallllllly loved the dude who played Paul, Christian Payton. I loved his voice, and he was just a light in the film for me. The scene where his alkie ass was pain-singing at the party was one of the litest shits I ever seen lol. I was mad sad when they shuffled his pathetic ass away. He was giving me EVERYTHING. This was why I wasn't completely sad when they kicked David out the group and Leon had to go away for long stretches because Paul's thick ass was there serving me vocals and stealing scenes so I was mainly fine.

Okay but can we talk about David? Look, I barely know anything about any of these niggas in the group. David's name is the most familiar to me, and mostly because I think he's responsible for Tammi Terrell's death? It was weird how they glossed over 1. Tammi, and also 2. David being like INSANE. Or, that's what the tea I heard made him sound like. The movie doesn't paint him as basically a demon, but more of a run of the mill egomaniac/crackhead. They could've went way harder, imo. MMMMMMHOWEVER! He was the star of the show, and Otis can stay mad about it for an eternity. I think that was the main reason why Otis kicked his beanpole ass out the group. Like, aint nobody comin to see you Otis, indeed, tbh. I don't know how it was in real life, but in the movie David was lit af and didn't the group not even pop off til he joined? *sips tea* 

Anyway, what was up with Otis' son's voice in that scene when they were playing basketball? He had like a weird voice? Lol, is...can someone answer me?