The Unbearable Lightness of Being (1988)

So I've been wanting to see this forever because of Daniel Day-Lewis, basically. I love DDL. I don't even be liking half his movies. Like Lincoln, are you serious? But DDL's acting alone is what I'm there for. He's like Montgomery Clift for me. Not their acting styles or trajectories or anything, but just that they both share the same trait of being really good actors I love, whose movies I pretty much never do? Or, like, it's not important for me to like the movie, since I'm just there for them. Liking the movie is the bonus. Like have you ever seen Gangs of New York? It's pretty terrible, but DDL as Bill The Butcher is amazing so like accidentally the movie might be? It's the same with Lincoln, though not the same with Nine. Funny, that. 

Anyway! Unbearable Lightness was different in that: 1. didn't like it, but 2. wasn't assuaged by DDL's presence, but 3. was by Juliette Binoche and to a lesser extent Lena Olin? Like they made the movie, and DDL was off to the sideline with his suspicious hairline and accent and I was like "Who cares?" lol. So that was a first. Actually, no, that happened with Nine, too. Marion stole the show. The French bitches win again. Lena is like Swedish or something, tho. But I said "to a lesser extent" up there, so that's enough shade for today. 

So this mess is about some doctor dude who maybe is German? Let's talk about how I have no idea 1. where this movie takes place and 2. what that war stuff happening was. I am honestly garbage, but like all that was completely lost on me. Like I'm watching the movie and several times kinda asking myself shit like "Is he German?" "Is that Russia?", because I'm a simple soul. I.e.: slow.  

So DDL plays some possibly a German, but definitely a doctor, dude named Tomas. Good for him. He's some sort of player. *rolls eyes*. One of his cum dumps is (no) Sabina, played by Lena Olin. Lena's intriguing, so she keeps me from getting grossed out with the whole...thing. Eventch, Tomas meets some bar...tress...named Tereza, played by #frenchactingbae Juliette Binoche. 

Loved Tereza. Idky. Her innocence? She looked like a kitten or something. Also pretty sure she lost her virginity to Tomas? Interesting choice, ngl. Also of course her sensitive ass is the one Tomas wants to wife. His nearly falling apart at the seams dick ass sitting up here tryna lock down a seemingly untouched woman, just getting started on things. And that's where most of my focus lied while watching the film - like, getting annoyed by that lol. There's a whole war and shit going on and I'm like, "ugh Tomas is gross" lol like that's the only place I was ever in. 

I also kind of loved Sabina? ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE DIPPED ON THAT MARRIED DUDE? Idk, it was iconic. And I felt bad for her when she got the letter at the end that Tomas and Tereza were dead (spoiler alert). Like those were her people. Which is a goddamn mess and pretty disturbing, but all the same true. Anyway, still had no idea what this movie was about or trying to be about. Unbearable Lightness of Being. Is being light? Is def unbearable, but idk all about that lightness part. Maybe how fragile life is? Girl, I'm dumb as fuck. But I don't need to be smart to give a thumbs down to what I considered a fairly dry film. No offense, but this coulda been way more interesting? Like there was mad shit going on but okay. No, okay, it was interesting. But not to my specifications. Anyway I should be banned from watching films, let alone writing about them. Who let me out of the cage smh

The Heart Machine (2014)

So I'm starting to get into John Gallagher Jr. I keep seeing him in intriguing shit. Let's ignore The Newsroom, I don't want to talk about that. But he was killing me softly in Short Term 12, making me want to kill him hardly in Hush, and now you give me The Heart Machine, which is like mad creepy and made me uncomfortable the entire time and that was mostly coming from John Gallagher's character, and I don't think it was supposed to be??? 

OKAY!! Okay. So John Gally's character is some dude named Cody for some reason. He has this bangs-having online girlfriend named Virginia. Kaduh your bitch ass is gonna get Catfished, but you wanna be dumb, so here we go! 

Virginia tells Cody she is in Berlin. He is in New York, so this is why their relationship has commenced entirely over Skype. Right away, Virginia is sus just for her bangs and being named Virginia. Cody skyping her dumb ass one day and an ambulance siren rings off in the background, and, honestly? I was fucking screaming. John Gallagher be making these fucking faces that just be having me crying. They literally are the most emotionless expressions, but something in the eyes, I guess? I don't know, but you can see all in his eyeballs that he picked up the siren didn't sound like a fucking...European one. It sounded like some regular ass American ambulance. At first I thought he was gonna hear it on her side and his, but he just picked up that it didn't sound like a German one. Lol like he actually googled it and I wanted to throw up in the street. Idky, but this shit was so funny to me.

It's revealed though, when Cody goes in his stalker's lair where he got photos of Virgy up and maps and shit, that he's been kind of private investigating her for a minute, no? WHY THE FUCK...WOULDN'T HE JUST ASK THIS BITCH IF SHE WAS REALLY IN BERLIN????? I don't understand why he doing all this extra ass investigating for this 2008 ass hipster thot. Like, are you serious lol. Just look into the goddamn camera and be like BITCH IS U LYING TO ME?! He being all white and extra weird about it lol smfh. The MINUTE I suspected this weird bitch was lying to me about being in Germany, I wouldn't even ask for receipts, just straight dead the communication. But the movie wanted to make it like Cody and Virgil had some deep ass connection. Lol okay. Their convos were mad dry but anyway.

OMG REMEMBER WHEN CODY WAS TALKING GERMAN AND NOT EVEN REALLY CONVERSATIONALLY AND VIRGINIA WENT OFF ON HIM?? He was literally just saying random German words, I think? Just kind of joking around? Why couldn't she have fake laughed and called it a day? She fucking went awf on dude like TAKE A HINT WHEN SOMEONE DOESN'T LAUGH THE FIRST TIME!! I was screaming like bitch WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?!?!??! You are not cute enough to be some crazy lying bitch AND popping off, too. Uh uh, no ma'am. 

REMEMBER WHEN CODY WENT TO THAT DUDE'S HOUSE AND WAS GIVING STRAIGHT UP SERIAL KILLER TEAS? Yo, if I was a coffee shop barista and some awkward customer dude showed up to my place, I definitely wouldn't let him in so he could "pee". This dude was really dumb. Then Cody got in his house and was being all weird and he clocked him for being weird and STILL didn't ask him to immediately leave?? I don't know which white was being more wild. But Cody coming off creepier than Virginia's weird ass catfishing her location was just...great. It was just super wonderful, idk. Was it supposed to be like that lol like it was just tooooooo uncomfortable. 

AND THEN HIM ALMOST MURDERING THAT BITCH IN HER APARTMENT! Lol he was all up in her email and phone and shit. She got shook like...Why are you here? Not to fuck you, that's for sure. Like...why are you doing the most all the time, Cody? He sees some photo Virginia is in with some woman, so stalks her to find out what she knows concerning Virginia's whereabouts? Um, okay, where did you go wrong? Like at what point in life? Go back there and end it all, like I don't understand. 

Cody finally finds Virginia and she's just some regular degular hipster gentrifier. She says she lied about living in Berlin because that's the her she wanted to be or some such nonsense. I was so bothered by Virginia's bangs that I didn't care about her white tears. Oh wait, also didn't she say she lied because her previous relationships all went bunk, so she wanted to distance herself as soon as she met Cody, to give it time to grow, I guess? Um, why are you playing games? Couldn't you tell Cody you wanted to take it slow or whatever? He sitting at home pining, waiting for your dumb ass to get home from Germany and you right down the motherfucking street the whole time. Like.

When Cody was all like "I can't" and walked away from Virginia after she had her little confessional and the movie basically just ended like that, I cried. Not actually, I am a lizard person. But like, internally. And they were laugh tears. I only cry from sadness when I haven't eaten for two hours.

Anyway, this movie was lowkey lit in like a mumblecore, low budget, only five people will ever watch this sort of way. It was definitely the type of thriller I'm into lol like I was getting my life from the bs. Def wanna see more shitty, awkward ass movies like this. Bye.

L'Avventura (1960)

I never connect to Italian films. I don't know what it is...but I just haven't been able to get into what they are serving me. To be fair, though, I don't watch that much. But I have seen like...an okay amount? Both old school and new school, and, honestly? I'm disgusted lol. I don't like how it's done. Whatever their vibe is, I am not jibing with it. 

L'Avventura is no different. It was definitely something I've been wanting to see for a while, though. When I first started doing movie-watching as a hobby, I felt my best bet was to compile a bunch of lists of like all the MUST SEE films. I looked at a bunch of stuff like top 250 AFI or whatever, etc etc, shit like that, and L'Avventura was on most lists like that, so this was def something I've always had in the bank to see. So I get that new FilmStruck app, which I love so far, and they have like so much shit up there ~I've been meaning to see~. A lot I haven't watched because it's like kill me now, but stuff like L'Avventura I just haven't had access to up until recently. So it was lit.

I guess. 

L'Avventura is about...some rich bitch named Anna who disappears on some bougie yacht outing she and her rich bitch squad are having out in the middle of the ocean or some shit. Anna seems unhappy, in like a general malaise, existential crisis sort of way. It comes across like she's frustrated with the long distance relationship she has with her boo, Sandro. Idk, fast forward to her ~disappearing~. There's speculation she drowned, but also a strong feeling amongst the group that she kind of just dipped. So they search for her. During this search, I guess?, Anna's best friend Claudia and Sandro ~fall in love~?? 

Girl, I guess!! 

Like after Anna disappears, like the whole rest of the movie is Claudia and Sandro's weird, uncomfortable ass courtship? They def spend the rest of the movie kind of searching for Anna, but also Claudia gets to the point where she's wishing Anna will stay gone forever?? So she can keep sliding up on her boo, I guess??? THEN SANDRO HAS THE NERVE TO CHEAT ON CLAUDIA. I'm screaming, what an Italian nigga thing to do. Your main girl goes missing? Check, cool. So you start searching for her with her best friend? Check. Y'all start kissing and shit. Makes sense. You basically pre-married to this ho now, so natch, you gotta step out. How are you cheating on the bitch you cheating on your possibly dead but probably just "missing" girlfriend with??????? But more importantly, why is this pretty prime drama, but I cared naught at all??? 

Like, I was bored. Idk what the fuck Italians be on about, honestly. This movie need to be some cheesy American thriller as far as I'm concerned. That is more digestible for my corny ass, okay? Idk what these Italy bitches be saying, okay??? And yes I had subtitles, and NO IT DIDN'T HELP. Translate the nonsense, not just the language, feel me?? 

No, probably not. I'm def watching more Monica Vitti films, though. If I watch Italian films for anything, it's gorgeous bitches. If I get a super-gorj or enigmatic leading lady, you got me. Not, like, to like your film, but to watch at least. That's enough. 

Black Mirror, S3

So Black Mirror is extremely lit. Well, season 3, anyway. This is my first season, tho I plan to churn through the other two pretty soon. I should've started from the beginning, which I usually do because I'm anal (non-sexy one), and OCD and I have to start from the beginning. But there were all these gifs from the San Junipero episode on tumblr and everyone was hyping it so I was like fuck it lemme just watch season 3 and then I'll do the other ones later. It's an anthology series, so it's fine. Though imma be pissed if I go back to watch season 1 and see there's some sort of theme that runs through and all sorts of easter eggs and things of that fucking special snowflake series nature. But maybe I should calm down because literally none of this matters. None of this.

So can we talk about how San Junipero was the maybe weakest episode of the lot? Lol like what were people hyping? The lesbian stuff? Like just because it's lesbian stuff doesn't make it good???? But I did say I was seeing this a lot on Tumblr. They don't know right from wrong over there. Shoulda just kept it cute appreciating this tepid gay shit and let that be that. But what was my ~episode order~? In terms of what I liked? 

1. Hated in the Nation

2. Shut Up and Dance

3. Nosedive

4. Playtest

5. San Junipero

6. Men Against Fire

In terms of like quality (storytelling, acting, etc):

1. Hated in the Nation

2. Nosedive

3. Playtest

4. Shut Up and Dance

5. Men Against Fire

6. San Junipero

So anyway, Hated in the Nation was extremely lit. Like, the litest of all the lits. How come I aint hear no one talking about this one? Bee Movie. Maybe cuz it wasn't memeable or pretty, idk. But like, the bee shit alone. Shrugs, idk. But I thought this episode was super well done and mad intriguing and I was getting my life from the chills it was giving me. Nosedive was similar in the vein of me thinking...it was really creative and interesting. It was funny, but like super-disturbing. I definitely loved all the ideas and the execution as well. Also my #actingbae Bryce Dallas Howard was in it. Just very good. I personally preferred Shut Up and Dance over Nosedive just because I felt more emotionally distraught after. Which I love lol. Nosedive had that happy ass ending (was it even happy or do I just have wayyyy too many problems?), but Shut Up and Dance had me wanting to punch a baby, like you mean to tell me ol' boy I was feeling bad for the whole time was a pedo? Okay, bet. Lol I was heated. But it was a wild ride and I def got my life. 

 

Playtest...the actor dude...that's like Kurt Russell or something's son, right? Idk, but at first he was mad annoying. Lol I was like shut up, brah. But he was amusing at the same time. Also I liked...how this was executed. I loved the idea of the game, and taking gaming to another level. Also this "game" seems like something that would really get made. Actually, all the things presented in Black Mirror seem like realities, which I think is the point, and helps with the sort of fear-mongering tech thriller they present. Um, but I'm annoyed Playtest wasn't called "Mom"??? Is it because this is a UK show and they say "Mum" over there? Wtf is a mum - ENOUGH.

Men Against Fire and San Junie were the weak spots for me. I was still entertained by both, but felt little connection. And that's that lol. Can't wait to watch the other seasons, I hope they are just as lit if not more. Imma have an attitude if they are not as lit. One of my biggest problems in life is shit not being as lit as I hope it to be. You know? Like that shit is so annoying. Just be lit, like what is so hard??