Making a Murderer, Season 1

So, okay, who killed Teresa? After watching the series, I was convinced Steven was innocent. But then got myself quickly together after reading more about the case and Steven, and now have doubts. It's not even that I think he's guilty now, I just...am not so stubbornly on that "omg an innocent man is in prison!!!!" ish. 

But, honestly, even after reading a bit more information about the case, I still think Steven is innocent. The level of corruption over there with the Wisconsin police and the lawyers and government and just, everyone, really points to, like, literally anyone else being the killer besides Steven. Like, omg, they obviously planted evidence! There was just such an obvious set-up, it's insane. Now, someone could've known Steven was dealing with Teresa, and may have had knowledge he was allegedly gettin a little creepy with her and was just waiting around for him to do something so they could snatch his ass up. But that sounds so...ridiculous? But this whole case and situation is ridiculous, so, honestly, anything's possible. 

The big thing for me is: Steven was put in prison for some shit he did not do before. He was proved innocent. And was suing the bitch ass city. So I came to some conclusions that: 1. if it happens once, it can happen again. And 2., these people had no interest in admitting wrong-doing. And they certainly were not gonna pay this boy any money. They were not putting themselves on-blast like that and they were not going to fucking pay to do it. That makes the most sense to me. It being about money, and pride and ego. Also, I believe Steven's sister when she said, if he had done it, he'd have admitted to it by now. Now, he could be a straight sociopath, but I always feel like socios are way more obvious than they think they are, and I don't get those vibes from Steven. But, again, who knows. But I really feel like at some point he would've been like, "lol sike, lemme stop: I killed that woman. My bad." Right? Like, you're doing too much at a certain point if you actually killed her lol. No, this is not a laughing matter, and I am sure there are so many killers in prison who've been in there practically all their life still claiming innocence. But like, what if they actually are innocent? And I just...so believe in corruption more than I ever will the theory that there are like millions and millions of crazed lunatics running around. They're not running around, they're sitting pretty in positions of power. Lol I really thought I was saying something just there but secretly I was #staywoke

Okay, but can we taLK ABOUT TERESA'S BROTHER AND HER EX-BOYFRIEND?!?! Was this just crafty editing of the docuseries, or were they legit creepy and suspicious as hell????? Like when they were being interviewed by that newsperson about the access they were allowed to Steven's home? They were being hella sketch. It's obvious they had been all over that fucking property. The ex-boyfriend in general was sooooo weird and he had obviously seen Teresa like...right before her death. Possibly right before he fucking killed her. And then the brother. First, I found it was weird he was the spokesperson for the family. But I explained it away that maybe he was the most ~together~ one emotionally and could get up there and speak. But why was he the most together one? And remember that old video they played of Teresa and she was like "I love my mom...my sisters...I love everyone!" Girl, why she aint specifically say her brothers? She lowkey don't fuck with them like that, right? The vibe I was getting from the brother was that he's the type to think he runs shit in the family, even though there's a father, and he aint even the oldest. He just took the lead and aint nobody too much even ask him. I figured maybe the parents were weak or absent and that was how he was able to glow up into that position. Of course, I am projecting entirely, but he really gave me those vibes, and there's a certain way types like that act, especially towards their sisters. Very controlling, to creepy ass degrees. 

But maybe it's just how the show was edited.

BUT EXPLAIN THE DELETED VOICEMAILS?! WATCHU DELETING, BROTHER OF TERESA?! 

But like...if the brother or the ex-boyfriend, or both, had something to do with Teresa's death, how does that tie in with the Wisconsin police, etc? If everything is how I theorize, it's like...way over-complicated and too many people involved. But maybe the thing is...I'm mixing in truth with non-truths and getting confused? Like, Steven's cousin...I think there were two of them who testified they'd seen suspicious shit, who were very suspicious themselves. If they're involved, how do they tie in with Teresa's bro, ex-boyfriend, and those sneaky ass cops?? But maybe only some of them are actually involved? Sigh, I suspect everyone and I am so confused and tired. 

Okay and then Brendan. He totally reminded me of that slowbus boy from Paradise Lost. I remember watching that mess like...how do you just confess to all kinds of crazy shit you had absolutely nothing to do with? But then Paradise Lost was like "because he is a retard" and I was like "oh". I never actually bought those dudes' innocence. I felt...they had something to do with killing those little boys. Maybe. I wasn't sure, obviously, but the puzzle pieces to prove their innocence weren't adding up for me. But I still came away completely believing that it would be easy for interrogators to manipulate a sludgehead into confessing to a crime they did not commit. Especially if you come at it like "If you confess, we can help you". Probably all they care about is getting out of trouble. And being slow, all they need is someone to tell them they are in trouble, and that's enough. So I totally believe that happening with Brendan. And seeing the video of those detectives interrogating him...omg that was...like, shocking. And sad. He was completely helpless. I don't get how the jury saw that shit and really thought that boy was guilty or telling any sort of truth. They entirely goaded him and put words in his mouth, but ohkay. 

And then at Brendan's trial. I really thought he was gonna get off for some crazy ass reason. I just did not see how anyone could think he was guilty. His cousin even got up there and was like "sike, i lied". But maybe it looked like she had been forced into doing that? She just looked like some idiot bitch who was playing games with the police before and felt bad about it while on the stand, telling the actual truth. Idk. And then when Brendan went up and testified I was like "He is obviously not guilty, look at him!". And when he said he got that shit he made-up from Kiss the Girls - I fucking hollered. His testimony was lowkey hilarious and I was legit dying at his answers and then I was like "...wait. This looks totally bad lol." To more normal people (i.e.: not fucking me), this looks like some crazy sociopath who don't give a fuck. Brendan was up there lookin like some lil billy bad ass like lol shrug iono I got it from a book (lol stop u don't read!!!), and they asked him how he felt or something about Teresa's death and everything that's happened and he was like "Um, I just want to go home". Lol I should have known then. And just his entire demeanor screams anti-social and that doesn't go over well with people. Maybe he aint do some shit to Teresa, but he'll prob do some shit to someone else - keep his monotone voice having, unfeeling lookin ass locked up safely behind bars. 

That sux. I genuinely don't think he did anything. He's just an idiot. We can't be out here locking up all the idiots. If we go that route, like, 98% of the human population will be chillin in Alcatraz. Mmm, 99%. Like, here's a thought: let's put people in prison who've actually done things? That would be neato! 

You know what this shit reminded me of completely? Fargo. The show and the movie. It was definitely because of the accents, but also because the circumstances were lowkey zany. Just...much bizarreness. And like...dark subject matter...that is accidentally super funny??? I certainly should not have been laughing as much as I was. This shit was fucking depressing. Anyway, when's the next season? Of Making a Murderer, and also Fargo. I just finished season 2 and now I need a new season thank you. Can you put Kieran Culkin on season 3 and like...have him survive past episode one this time?? THAT WOULD BE GREAT :) 

Also, can you get Steven out of prison? Even if he's not innocent. I just want

to be happy :(

The Big Short (2015)

I don't get all the awards show love for this movie. Like, I think people just care because Brad Pitt produced it? Since when is the shirtless cowboy dude from Thelma & Louise, like, a respected figure in Hollywood? Lol, what is happening to this world? Or has it always been like this? Look, I like Brad Pitt, but not for any, like, non-shallow and shameful reasons. He cries good in movies. ... He looks like an m t f Appalachian Mountains porno version of Robert Redford. Why are people taking him seriously? I mean, I guess it's good because he can get ppl to care about shit like 12 Years a Slave (sigh), but also he can get ppl to care about dryass shit like Moneyball, and possibly even drier shit like The Big Short. Or am I wrong that people only care about The Big Short because Bitty Pitt is attached? But, look, like...what other reason could there be???

Me, personally, I care because of John Magaro, whom I am full-on stanning for at this point. I don't want to be. I never do, but it's happening. Hopefully he'll get really big and then something horrible will come out about him (like, he really loved the Johnny episodes of The O.C. or something), and then I can stop caring about him :') But for now I really care about him and his nose and ambiguous probably-Italian, but maybe secretly Jewish sort of thing he has going on. Like I just recently saw he was a ~guest star~ on one of those crime-of-the-week sort of shows and I got really excited and almost entertained the idea of watching one of those horrible programs. But I quickly got myself together. I'm lowkey stanning for Johnny M, but he's no Tom Hardy lol. If Tom was on Law and order Criminal Minds Svu: MiaMi-Dade County~*~*, then maybe, but John and I are not at that level in our relationship yet where I will just be watching any shit he is in. Yet.

But I didn't even know he was in this until I saw him and got that weird itchy feeling. My initial reason for wanting to see this was because I heard Steve Carell was really good. Also, Xtian Bale was in it, and when I see Xtian Bale, I think, okay, there's a...70...3% chance this movie might be really worth a watch. Well, 73 is not 100. You win some, you lose a lot, tbh. 27% is...actually a pretty large percentage, ngl. I could deal with a 1 or 2% chance the movie will be a waste of time, but 27?! Nah, that's more than halfway to half which is more than halfway to FAILURE, do you complete me?? So anyway, I should ask for a refund back of that tuition I paid for the Jaden Smith School of Life, and I should also ask for refund on the cash money dinero I paid to see this movie. Nah, sigh, it wasn't even that bad. But it definitely reminded me of some TV movie I saw on HBO about the housing market crash or whatever the fuck happened with that. The mortgage thing. You know what I mean. I was watching The Big Short at the movie theater and the whole time was thinking: smh, you could've kept this on TV. This is a made for television movie. A ~prestige~ one, granted, but still, at the end of the day, this movie deserved nothing more than a small screen. I don't need to pay any money to see fucking Selena Gomez and Margot Robbie cameos. Like, are you serious? Margot Robbie is a famous person like that now? And you couldn't have gotten Demi Lovato? She needs to pimp her Skechers, like, do you not understand how things are supposed to work? 

Again, what is happening to the world? Demi Lovato can't pimp her Skechers or diet bipolar tablets in an overly-expository movie about the mortgage crash thing that happened, but Selena Gomez and that girl who replaced Kristen Stewart in that Will Smith movie because Kstew didn't want to kiss on some black lips can???!?! Wow, like, wowww. 

I guess I just have to accept that we are all doomed :) And, I mean, I guess I can take solace in the fact that Skechers still are not cool, and with Demi Lovato as the brand ambassador, unable to pimp them in a movie that considers a Selena Gomez cameo as ~cheeky~ and even remotely relevant, they never will be. Good. 

Steve Carell and my girl Christina B were still good, though, lol. Like the movie wasn't my cup of tea, but I liked their performances. My favorite performance was from Jeremy Strong, though. I fucked with Mark Baum's whole crew, actually. Liked their scenes. And I liked...Magaro and Wittrock's scenes. Though I thought their thing with Brad Pitt...was weird. Lol, but he was at his most Redfordist, so I accepted it. Fine, be on screen, if you must. But not on a big screen because this movie is not as important as you think and it's nowhere near as poppin as ppl are tryna make it seem. Definitely not nominate this shit for Academy Awards poppin, but umkay. But like, so much weird shit got nominated for Oscars this year. Or, every year? Should I #boycotttheoscars? Like, as a black person I should have probably already considered this lol but I am just...more annoyed by garbáge in general getting nominated. Like, every year? Just, so much random trash makes it through. I mean, this year is not like the year they nominated Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close and War Horse, but...it's pretty close. Like, Joy? Mad Max???? That Martian movie I haven't even seen but I know it's trash??? This???? Like, what is going on?? 

I don't even know how you could get better...voting and nomination results. I guess diversifying the academy membership would help a bit. I feel like all of Hollywood should get to vote, but...I can still see mess being nominated. It'd just be everyone voting for their ugly, talentless friends. And always the most talented are the least-liked and most friendless, that's just how it works. People are haters. I should know ;) I mean ppl hate on me because I am sew talented. I didn't mean I was a hater. Wait, is this whole blog a receipt to disprove that claim completely? Well, good thing no one reads this shit :') 

I am so alone :') 

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Season 1

When I first heard about Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I thought it sounded dumb. Like, I really loved 30 Rock and got excited when I heard Tina Fey was coming out with a new show. Then I got some details and was like "...um, okay...?" But then you hear that NBC passed and it's going to Netflix and you get excited again. I mean, me, I got excited again. What sounded like a lame concept for a show all of a sudden seemed like maybe it was controversial, or at least off-beat enough for whack ass NBC to be like no to their reigning queen. Loljk was Tina Fey ever their queen? Did people even watch 30 Rock? Weren't their ratings super-low aka "a critical darling"? I'm pretty sure after Parks & Rec ended, NBC decided they didn't care about having comedies critics loved if no one was watching. So I guess now they have some show with Debra Messing wearing a green turtleneck? At least 10 million zombies are tuning into that messing (haha) (:/) nightly. So, they did a good job passing on Kimmy. 

Or maybe not? I feel like Kimmy Schmidt would've caught on and the ratings would've escalated throughout the season. Especially with Titus on the show. Maybe I'm wrong. Like, especially with all sorts of different ways to watch TV. Maybe NBC watched the pilot and were like *sarcastic tone* "Yes, very gif-able". You know what doesn't look like a super-gifable show? That show where Debra Messing wears those turtlenecks. And I bet at least 57 million people tune in to watch that every night. Maybe gifableness doesn't translate into people watching. Because you have the gifs, like...why watch the show? 

This is actually how I a little bit felt before watching Kimmy. I was on tumblr when the show first premiered on Netflix. They giffed that whole show. I knew the entire script for every episode line by line. So I took my sweet time getting around to watching the actual show. Then I finally watched it (aka got another free trial of Netflix seriously just only ever get free trials you don't actually have to pay. I mean, if u are not poor and your, like, thing is to pay, be my guest. But I like free shit and my very vagabond living off the grid sort of lifestyle, so prepaid cards and free trials abound!!) (:/), and, like I said, I knew the whole plot. The only thing I didn't know about was that teenage daughter character, and, tbh, the show could've kept that :) Keep that next season :)

But anyway. Smh, why do I write "reviews"? I mean, no one is reading this blog looking for advice for like, what to watch. No one is reading this blog...period. 

...

So anyway!!! I really liked the show :)! It is funny, and good. I think. I think it's good. It makes me laugh and Titus slays my soul, so I'm very good. Lowkey I wish this show was all Titus and...then Carol Kane sometimes. Like what if this show was just them? :') Do I lowkey not even like the show as a whole but just Titus and Lillian and they can keep Kimmy and all those other hoes?? :'))) 

No, I mean, the whole premise of the show is like...Kimmy was in a cult and now she's not. Now she lives in New York and has a black friend. But lowkey I wish this show was called Kimmy Schmidt's Black Friend and was secretly all about Titus. Like how Orange Is the New Black is ~about Piper Kerman~, but no one cares about that bitch and it's really about literally everyone else?? (I hate Piper so much). Mmm, but I don't hate Kimmy. Ellie Kemper annoys me a little? She so annoyed me on The Office and I grit my teeth as her role expanded. I mean, she had her moments - boiled Gatorade will always be funny - but she's just, like, grating. A little. I think it's the beady eyes. I should not hold her beady eyes against her, she can't help it, but she does have them in her face and they annoy me :)  Also, she's a ginger. And I think a real one? I can only cape for dyed gingers, sorry. The real ones scare me and I think they're--No, I know they are demons. I know that rangas are spawns of Lucifer and no one can ever convince me differently. Because they would be wrong, and also obviously working for/related to Beelzebub themselves.  

Hmm, I shouldn't be allowed to have the internet. But I'm glad I do so I can steal (they are free trials you aren't stealing anything probably technically) Netflix and watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Even though it's a little (little?) racist and a lot of times I'm squinting at Titus' performance and trying to stop myself from wondering if it's coonery or not. I don't think it is? I'm not going on any of the militant black power blogs and reading any articles they wrote--Nope, I'm lying. I'm going on the crazy (crazy?) Kill Whitey blogs right now and plugging in Kimmy Schmidt and seeing what they have to say about it. Is it okay to watch this? Maybe they give the thumbs up to at least watching "for research"? For researching what? Nigga, idk, I just need the OKAY from the proper blacks that this show isn't condescending to ~our people~ in some way. Sigh, if you have to ask...

Anyway, can't wait for season 2 turn up let's goooo!!!!!!

:/

Kill Piper: Orange Is the New Black, Season 3

I want to say that I need substantially less Piper and Alex, but really, I need none of them. Actually, when Alex had her episode and we got more of her backstory, I was finding myself a little interested in her. Laura Prepon has an appeal. I'm not usually into the super dry, like monotone Daria-ass acting, but it works for her. I think it's her height. Also she's married to Frances from Malcolm in the Middle. That's still happening, right? For some reason that's extremely amusing to me and makes me care about her. Also, Karla. Because she was involved in Karla, one of the all-time cinematic masterpieces. 

So maybe I just need wayyyy less Piper. Does not everyone despise Piper? The only time I've seen/heard someone talking about they like Piper was on an imdb message board, I think. There was a post from some aussie nigga who said they didn't relate to the minority characters, but related to Piper, because there are only white people in Australia, and "others". I'm not gonna take seriously the word of someone from a place that makes all their brown people live in the bush. Pretty much everyone except for that one dude on an imdb message board (I only lurk, I don't contribute!!!!) hates ol' Pipehead. 

It's not even about hate, though? Because I feel like I strongly dislike so many characters. Like, Healy is mad unlikable. But I love Healy scenes. Don't really care about any of the Spanish girls except for Blanca and Flacaish, but I still care about their scenes and the development of their stories. Like, Dayanara...doesn't have a personality at all. Like, she draws, and has a hanging open all the time ass mouth. But I still care about her horrible scenes. But with Piper I'm just like, eugh, enough!!! It could be because she's like the unofficial "lead" of the show. Like it's based on her prob horrible book, so the story is a little bit being told through her lens. Maybe if Dayanara had written a book (jesus) I would be like "ugh, get out of here!!!" to her. 

 

But why is Piper so boring and annoying?! How you gon' be the lead and be like the least interesting character and also the most irritating?? Where do they do this? Are the writers doing this on-purpose? I can't tell if they secretly hate Taylor Schilling, or if...just everyone on creative is an annoying, oblivious chalkhead, and they just, can't, like, tell that Piper is mad killable. Like, I've seen Weeds, so I know what's up. But as unlikable and horrible as Nancy's ultra-white ass was, I still wanted to watch her story, AND I DON'T WANT TO WATCH PIPER'S, SO FIX IT!!! FIX IT!! DO SOMETHING PLEASSSEEE!!! Like, it would be so clutch if Piper was killed off. My soul would be nourished. Kill Piper off and bring my acceptable-white Nicky back. Do not, I repeat, do not get rid of actually interesting characters, played by actors who can also sort of act. Who actually bring something intriguing to the table jesus god what is happening

AND DO NOT EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT THAT RUBY ROSE HO. AND ESPECIALLY DO NOT EVEN TALK TO ME ABOUT HOW SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO STEAL ALL THE FUNDS FROM PIPER'S GREEN DOT CARD--oh, wait, no, Piper got her back for that. Let's talk about how ~~gAngSta~~ Piper is even more boring than regular boring Piper? Why do I almost miss Larry and that chick with the baby (sigh, lowkey I was in to their story)? Oh, Piper's selling prison panties? You can just like tell they're looking for any shit to throw at this bitch. But the panty ring story only made me care about Flaca, and whoever was bitching about the flavor packets. But nice tryyyyyyyy!!!!! 

Sigh, maybe season 4 will fix it but lol probably not. Maybe, but lol PROBABLY NOT. But I'll still watch, though, because I am a cog in the machine. HERE'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO IN SEASON FOURRRR!!!:

-um, WAY MORE OF THE BLACKS? :) Wait, am I allowed to be side-eyeing that aussie dude from the imdb message boards when I'm basically like "give me more of the black ppl because I am black so I want to see them more, thanx:))))"?? Nah, it's not the same! First of all, I still care about a lot of the white characters. Pretty much most of them except for Piper and most of the time Alex. So no!! I am not that aussie nigga from imdb!! And also, the black characters are just straight up more intriguing. Like Suzanne's storyline becoming a prolific hentai author was one of my favorites from this season. Wow, more Suzanne. And more Poussey!! Commmmeeeeeee onnnnn! More Poussey!!!! Wtf. Can they explore her problems, more? I feel like I know nothing about her. I want more scenes delving into her alcoholism, and also her struggles with loneliness!! This show is so frustrating omg!! Hopefully next seas with that cooking tv lady coming to the prison, they'll have Poussey on the screen a lot. But omg they better not have that cooking tv lady onscreen more than Poussey haha omg they better not fucking do that :')

-More Brooke? I'm into Brooke now sigh they brooke me no sorry SORRY!!! Brooke is cute sigh and they made me feel bad for her half-Asian hippie ass this seaz, SIGH. How do I feel about the black squad adopting her in? I feel like blacks always gotta be the accepting ones, that's how I feel. But I'm here for it if it means some intriguing...interactions. Is the show shipping Brooke and Poussey? Iono how I feel about that. Maybe Brooke will cure Poussey's loneliness...BUT I AM FEELING SOME TYPE OF WAY ABOUT HOW SHE KEPT TALKING ABOUT HOW LONELY SHE IS AND TAYSTEE WAS ALL "YOU GOT ME" AND POUSSEY WAS ALL "THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!" Um, Rudy Huxtable, much? Like I totally ship her and Taystee but I definitely remember Taystee turning down her lesbian advances so...I guess Poussey was feelin some type of way about that sigh idk - we'll see!! (We'll see if they do an annoying love triangle that's gonna have me feelin some type of way but lowkey I'll be into it sigh why can't I ever be highkey into stuff siiighgghghghghh) 

-Healy and Red??? <333??? Gross, but...more of them? More of that? I feel so bad for Healy sometimes lol am I supposed to? I really feel like no. Like he's a mess and not in an acceptable way, like...he's some old white dude and mad entitled and ignorant sigh idk, I still want him to find love :( But is Healy on Red's level? Idk about that. Who would be on Red's level? I can only imagine another Russian. Some dude named Yugoslavia and you can't understand anything he says because his jaw is wired shut. He did it himself, just cuz. But Red gives such strong butch tease. I guess it makes sense for her to get with a simp like Healy. She def needs to be with someone she can control, there's no way she could be with a dude who was tryna tell her devil-haired ass what to do, so I guess I'll ship it. It's still gross, tho :') 

-So Dayanara's bebe. That shit when Cesar's apartment was raided was crazy, and so predictable - like of course this would happen! Daya and Aleida's family makes me sad. The mom and the oldest daughter in priz together is a fucking mess, and then Daya having a fucking baby there with no real, trustable people to take care of him on the outside - jesus. But watch the show not even take the time to really get into this story and how horrifying it is. They'll just show Daya like crying on the phone because they can't find her baby in the foster care system or some shit. Ugh, please, shit is just about to get really interesting, don't annoy me with the bullshit!! 

-Taryn Manning getting some awards show love?????? Like, she's so good as Pennsatucky - that performance is slept on. She was raped twice in one episode this season but no awards noms??? Um, okay!!! Where does this happen?! Whatever, hopefully next seaz she'll get even more to do. Like, that guard still works there. Which is horrifying. I never imagined the dude working at the donut shop would turn out like this lol. It was so random how he just started working at the priz, like reach much? Oh, he brought a donut in to Caputo? Lol #doin2much. No, but I don't like him and he better not rape anyone else but if he does I hope Pennsatuck (I couldn't write the y??¿) goes all Dragon Tattoo LIKE THEY SHOULD'VE DONE THE FIRST TIME THEY HAD THE CHANCE. But it was crushing as hell when Pennsatucky was all "I'm not angry, just sad". UM, WHERE ARE HER GLOBES NOMS BUT OKAY. Maybe she got an Emmy nom tbh I didn't even check to see if she did and...I'm still not gonna check. Also I feel weird stanning for Taryn "the other white bitch in 8Mile" Manning. What do you want me to tell you? Shit happens. 

-Lorna and her dude. Only cuz she married John Magaro, whom I've been uncomfortably into since The Box (<.<). So, like, I need more of him on my screen. Also I feel like some interesting shit could go down because Lorna is lowkey a psychopath and her dude seems like he'd do anything for her under the guise of being a ~real man~, so this could get lit. Or the show could just act like Lorna never got married and have her doing some other silly ass storyline :) The latter is more likely :) Never get your hopes up or trust in people :) The human race is doomed :') 

-Okay but real quick I hope Blanca gets a backstory or more screentime I lovvvveee her please if you do this I'll start believing in humanity again loljk but please do this anyway :') DO IT!! haha:) It's not a request lolhahahaha :)

-ooooh! ooh! And more Chang! I love her deadpan reads and I lovvvvved her backstory episode, put that binch in my face way more than you do thanx :) stop having minor characters be way more intriguing than main characters ty :)) Also no to Black Cindy converting to Judaism lol miss me with that being like the most intriguing storyline you can give her allah fix it

lol okay: Beyond the Lights (2014)

lol this movie was silly as hell. As soon as I saw Noni writhing around in that "Kid Culprit" video I was just like "lol okay" and immediately stopped trying to watch the movie through any sort of serious lens. This movie is on some made for TeenNick type shit and I am aghast and appalled at people out here tryna act like this was some sort of serious awards contender. Not that awards matter, I mean, Mad Max: Fury Road was nominated for awards and it's like "what?". So I can see why all the dumb people thinking Mad Max deserves awards, would think Beyond the Lights deserves anything but a green splat rating on Rotten Tomatoes. This shit is spoiled, but high-glossed, so I understand people being easily fooled. (I mean that I sympathize with dumminess, it can't be helped). 

I really love Gugu Mbatha-Raw and vaguely care about Nate Parker, so when I heard about this mess, I got excited. I was like #yaaaaaas and #blacklove. They're mad cute apart, and even madder cuter together. So I was pumped for whatever this The Bodyguard meets Jem and the Holograms the new version travesty was going to be. Did I always think it was going to be a mess, way back when the trailers premiered? I guess I thought it looked sort of dumb, but was blinded, probably like most other dummies, by the attractive leads. And thank god for them because this movie would be trash without their beautiful asses. I mean, the movie is still trash with them, but they cute it up, and also Gugu and Nate both have more than serviceable acting skills. Neither of them are Daniel Day-Lewis or anything, but they both brought something to their, frankly, pretty lame ass characters. Gugu brought some...idk, likeableness and warmth to her weak, annoying Noni, and Nate brought some bass in his chest to his lowkey simp cop character. 

And I was here for the romance. It was cute. as. hell! And I got in my feelings when they had those false starts at the beginning with Noni being all ~diva~ and~popstar~ eventho she just won like a Billboard Award and had to perform with Kid Culprit's doofy ass at the BET Awards - like Noni, girl, are you the Rita Ora of the world created for this movie? I mean, probably slightly more significant than Rita. Does ol' Rita even have a Billboard Award? Has she ever been on the Billboard charts?? Has she ever been on a billboard? Does she...know what...a billboard is...???? So, no! Noni is at least slightly more significant than Rita Ora, but it's like, what does that even mean? Isn't everyone? And she had the audacity to be jumping down Kazaam's neck like OMG UR GONNA SELL MY STORY TO THE TABLOIDS. Girl, no one cares about you and I'm mad that journalist dude was offering Kaz all that money like lol spare me. 

Waitititiwaait. Can we talk how their ~romance~ starts? Noni is pulling a Jenny from Forrest Gump and tryna leap off balconies - like, it's been done, girl. So Kaz ~saves~ Noni. He says he "sees" her. What do you see, Kaz? Because all I see is some tryhard mixed girl seriously wearing like rubber spandexSERIOUSLY IS NONI SUPPOSED TO BE RITA ORA. No because I cannot imagine anyone caring about her tryna jump off a ledge, tho I can imagine her trying to do it for publicity no lemme stop coming for Rita like this as if "Body On Me" is not my jam despite the presence of "Tyga's Friend" on the track. smh Rita when is this album coming out like I'm trying to root for you but you're wasting time dating Tommy Hilfiger's son (Tommy Hilfiger is a real person??) and fucking Shanna Moakler's leftovers, gurl, please, just give me music. I liked your part in "Black Widow"! You made me like that horrible song please just let yourself be great omg I hope you don't read this and take that pretending to jump off a balcony idea loljk no one reads this blog :') Am I the Rita Ora of the blog world? Lol I wish. I'm totally the Steph Jones of the blog world omg how am I coming for anyone?? 

Wait I got distracted remembering that Steph Jones exists. I wonder if he's still alive. Anyway!! So can we talk about how Noni and Kaz's ~connection~ starts up because he saves her from killing herself? Like, what an...I want to say unhealthy start to a relationship. Like, redflags abundant. And then she had Kaz up there lying to the press, talkin bout she was inebriated when Noni barely even drinks. But then they go on a date?? Like, that was definitely a date. And while on the date Kaz is recommending she go to therapy lol wifey material. Not that I think suicidal people or anyone who needs therapy is like unlovable or doesn't deserve love/a relationship, it just felt weird how it's like oh he saves her and then his love heals her. I don't know anything about love *cries*, so, like, sure. But them pushing that Kaz's love heals Noni made me really uncomfortable. That shit is a beautiful idea, but it seems way healthier to get your shit together on your own, before you get all into soul binding and all that ish. But I guess life isn't so simple? And also...they did have Kaz breaking up with her when he could see that Noni maybe wasn't serious about sticking to the changes she'd made. So he leaves her and then she really gets it together. But again, it's like, was Kaz leaving her the only reason she propelled into real action? Or, no, maybe not. I guess she got that wakeup call when she realized she still had no control over her album. So, sigh, fine. And, honestly, did any of my uncomfy feelings cause me to ever for one second not ship Noni and Kaz? No. So what am I bitching about? Idk, I just like to complain, tbh. 

Mmm, so anyway, this movie was a mess. And I felt awkward how they kept using that Nina Simone song. It just made me want to hear...Nina Simone sing it...and no one else. Noni's lil tearful rendition of it at karaoke was, imo, #doin2much. The fucking song wasn't even on the approved karaoke list of songs. The binch just got up there and started singing whatever. Bitch, this aint your own personal concert! Instead of booing Kaz, they should've booed her obnoxious ass lol like is she serious. AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THEM BOOING KAZ?!?! I have never performed karaoke a single day in my life and I never will for the rest of the time I am alive, and even after I'm dead, and chillin' in purgatory. It seems horrible and a waste of my time. I could be sittin' on the toilet cryin because those lasts little bits of shit won't come out, try hard as I might. Karaoke holds no appeal for me, and I hate anyone who does it lol. I hate anyone who participates in karaoke. You are gross, bad humans. 

But like, is it common to boo bad singers? I thought that was the whole point of karaoke? To sing shittily to Whitney Houston songs in front of a group of alcoholics. How were they booing him? I was so offended. 

Look at these blanc hoes. How dare you?! 

HE'S TRYING HIS BEST!! No, but Nate was really cute doing this and I was genuinely offended they started booing him lol like don't hurt my child

Alright, I'm tired. Hope you enjoyed this rambly, non-sensical complaint about nothing in specific. I guess I just wish Nina Simone's "Blackbird" was available on Apple Music? I pay ten dollars a month - for what? Bryson Tiller "exclusives"? Lol, you're trying it, Apple Music!!!!

Here's a screencap of when Kid Culprit shushed Noni's lips with his finger. 

I tried to capture his finger actually on her lips (he put his dirty finger on her lips!!), but failed. I am a failure. Speaking of! I genuinely, truly hate Machine Gun Kelly. He's just so white. Is it okay to hate someone for being "just so white"? ...What better reason is there? His episode of Catfish was one of my favorites, though. No one told you to not spend time with your daughter to be on an episode of fucking Catfish lol like what priorities

Unspeakable Acts (1990)

You know what's an unspeakable act? This movie.

And also this blog. Does anyone read this blog? Sigh, 

why?

Okay! So, I saw this movie on Netflix and the little icon pic included for it made it look like a piece of shit, so immediately, I was intrigued. First of all the title is Unspeakable Acts. So I instantly knew it was lit and didn't even need to read the description, but definitely when I read the description it was immediately confirmed that absolutely, yes, the party was about to be started. What sort of person am I, though, that I get excited about a movie detailing a child sex abuse case? Sigh, it's complicated. I mean, I wasn't excited about kids getting abused, I was just excited about...the idea...of a ~made for television movie~ about the subject, okay? Like, do you get it? Child abuse in and of itself does not excite me, but some shitty Lifetime movie about the subject does? Get it? I haven't explained myself out of looking like a bad person, I see that. This is bullshit, though, because no one is demanding explanations for why this movie was even made! Why focus on me being a piece of shit, instead of director Linda Otto, or the writer of the "book" (???) Jan Hollingsworth, or the negro who wrote the teleplay (oxymoron??), Alan Landsburg. Look at them, not me!!! 

Well, okay, I guess you can at least look at me for writing this ~blog post~ (please read my blog). 

:( I took a bunch of screencaps. I did not want to. I pretty much never want to. Unless I've already seen a movie and am only watching it again to write about it (Hider in the Haus), because people have to know. I like to just be completely absorbed in a movie, and taking screencaps is distracting. But sometimes, taking screencaps is more necessary than paying full attention. And anyway, looking over the screencaps is basically like watching the movie twice, and I see things that I never saw on my first viewing. Like how Brad Davis could lowkey get it? Like he's totally giving Dean Stockwell teas? Lol no. Nahhhh. I've made a huge mistake. Anyway, here's some bullshit:

Lol okay. So this was the beginning of the end pretty much. I promised myself I wasn't going to screencap every frame like some freak, but this guy. This guy! Like! He kept waving goodbye to his daughter! No, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT. 

One of the couples were two cops and they had a daughter. The mom cop was outside playing with the daughter and the dad comes out like "OMG BYEE!!!!". I think the mom said how she was going to take the daughter to the babysitter (uh oh!)? The dad's partner has come to pick him up so he leaves. It was so weird how both the parents were cops but the mom is still saddled with having to take care of the kid before getting to go do cop stuff. But like I couldn't think about that too much because THE DAD KEPT DISTRACTING ME WITH ALL THAT FUCKING WAVING. I swear he waved like a thousand waves. It was like two minutes of him just waving I'm not exaggerating (I'm a little exaggerating) but omg it was so funny. Was it actually funny or was I just in a funny mood? No, I was in a bad mood! I'm always in a bad mood and he was definitely waving way too much at his daughter, he just definitely was!! I'm not crazy!! 

Bebe Neuwirth and that dude who plays Jane Krakowski's husband on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt are a couple and they have a daughter and I took this screencap because Bebe was changing her daughter's diaper on the couch. She aint even put down a towel or nothing - nasty. #smhwhiteppl  

Bebe's like a super-worried helicopter parent. Right, so explain why she's dropping her kid off at some random lady's house so she can go play tennis? I thought this bitch was going to work or had some important shit to do, but her white ass is gonna go hit some balls over a net and sip on limeritas or some shit (idk what beverage goes with tennis). Then when her kid winds up with a suspicious rash on her ass, who's gonna look like a dummy? Your kid got molested in a really weird way (rash???) because you wanted to play tennis? What sort of over-protective parent behavior is this? Like, where do they do this? I understand these people are white, but Bebe is swarthy, so I honestly feel like there's no excuse. I really don't wanna hear any whining about "oh my kid has a weird rash!" when they got that rash because you were tryna be Serena Williams, or that other one.

Omg as soon as I found out Joseph Mazzello was in this, I screamed. Really. Because I have a lot of problems. Like, so many. I've been stalking this string bean gingerbitch since like 2010, when I was, sigh, sort of involved in fandom for the HBO Mini-Series The Pacific. Those were some of my darkest moments. And it's like, I'm aware that was basically my rock bottom, so why haven't I expelled Joey Mazz from my system? I've really made no effort to try and erase the damage that time has done to me. Like, just recently I went to see The Revenant and I almost threw up because Brendan Fletcher was in it? Like, briefly I forgot about my all-consuming love for Tom Hardy and nearly cried at the sight of Bill Leyden? I truly need help and therapy and for Starbucks Doubleshots to cost way less money. Nearly four dollars for a can of heart attacks - um, okay, since when???

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE BLUE SHIRT. Um, sigh. So Joey Mazz's dad is taking him to that babysitter's house. The same one the woman cop and Bebe Neuwirth took their kids to. I forgot the name of the babysitter. Gabriella? Idfk who cares. But can we talk about how Joey Mazz tried to tell his dad that a man chases him in a scary mask at "Gabriella's" house and the dad was all "A MAN CHASES YOU IN A SCARY MASK??!?!" and then Joey Mazz brushed it off like "Nah, it's nothing". UM, WHAT?! Who would not immediately spring into an investigation--Sigh, idk. Because I guess kids are always talking some bullshit, but Joey Mazz's character in the movie is really...mature. He's very child actor and grown up and talks like an adult and I am not joking please watch this movie and see how this little boy is using like mad long words and talking like some old, exhausted gay queen half the time. Like, idk, if he told me he was being chased by a man in a scary mask, I'd look into it. Would I blame him for enticing the man in the scary mask? Yes. But I'd still believe him. He talks like a mom from Staten Island who's slightly superior to her peers because she has family from England. I don't understand his dad not taking him seriously, but I guess if he did we wouldn't have this whole glorious, horrific, extremely mediocre movie. 

IS THAT JOE MAZZELLO's BROTHER DOES HE HAVEA BROTHER

:( This reminded me of that scene from The Pacific when Eugene "Sledgehammer" Sledge was tossing and turning in his bed, having a tumultuous wet dream about his tru soulm8 4ever Merriell "Shit and ass fuck up" Shelton. The Pacific really ruined me I'll never be whole again. I really hate caring about so many white boys all at once :/ Sigh, I see James Badge Dale is in a new movie sigh I need to see it :( I think it's a Michael Bay film omg please :( please :'(

Laurie and Joseph Braga, come thru!!!!! oh my goodness, they were so weird. They were so. weird. And I took like a million screencaps of them omg just their looks alone were so odd but even how they acted omg they were lowkey everything

OMG WHEN THEY SHOWED THE BACK OF THIS NIGGA'S HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD *breaks neck from screaming too much*

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, back to normal mostly *tries to catch breath from all that screaming but it's hard to breathe now due to being paralyzed from the neck down*

NOOO, STOP!!!!! Stop it...*cries*

omg

lol why did I cap this? There were probably so many things going on. I think this picture showcases a few of them.

Oh, right. Laurie and Joseph Braga are like child psychologists, I guess? They're brought in to help with the investigation of that babysitter and her husband, Frank. A bunch of the kids were being weird and getting rashes and eventually all the parents got together and kept screaming "WHY DIDN'T MY CHILD SAY ANYTHING?!!" even though apparently one of the parents picked up her kid from the babysitter's house once and saw him walking out of a bedroom without any pants on?? Girl, why does your little ass kid have to say anything? Clue in, bitch! Anyway, they all went to the police and blah blah Joseph and Laurie's weirdo oldhead hippie asses are brought in. There's a lot of focus on their interviewing of Jason, who's clearly the least-dumbest kid of the lot. Him, and Frank's daughter, who was Hispanic, and also helped raped the kids? Sooooooo, she doesn't count. All hope lies on Jason's delicate lady shoulders! 

IS THAT THAT LITTLE FREAK FROM PET SEMETARY AND KINDERGARTEN COP? This film is bursting with treasures. Also, I need to revise my choice of words, maybe? NO!  

Taking things out of context and just having a little fun :') 

Why did I screencap this? idk, maybe Joey Mazz was talkin' about the weird group orgies he and the other kids at the babysitter's house had to participate in with Frank and ol' girl. If I was Joseph and Laurie I'd be like "um, wow, okay, tmi!!" 

His liddle scrunchy face fjndinieznouenj ekem

They actually had a "Show us on the doll where they touched you" moment omg. When Jason turned over one of the dolls and pointed to the butt I was done. Officially DOA. They actually asked him, though, where Frank and his wife touched the other kids, typically. Jason never talks about himself directly or what happened to him but at least he snitches on everyone else and gives glorious reads :') 

lol I'm screaming. The first glimpse of Frank. So menacing. Is he standing in front of a VW van? kill me

Oh, no, this was when he described the orgies. lol look at Laurie and Joseph, like, "uh huh...okaaaaaaaaaaaaay..." 

lol omg look at Frank. Here he was removing like boxes and boxes of videotapes. I think, he recorded the kids...doing stuff. But try to get rid of the boxes all you want, Frank, they still gon' get dat ass - these are white kids, but nice try, anyway. A for effort :)

Laurie had a breakdown, overwhelmed by the horrificness of the crimes committed. But my thing was, isn't this what they do? Like, she's overwhelmed by what the kids tell her in the interviews, but it actually seemed pretty tame? I mean, no, but I feel like they would've heard stuff like this before? Laurie seemed really stuck on the whole orgy thing. But there's like a whole child sex slave industry where I'm sure wayyyyyyyyyy worse shit goes down that probably she should know about? Idk, maybe Laurie lives on a commune. But like, probably way worse shit happens on that commune. I mean, it's a commune. Laurie needs to #wakeup. 

Frank looks like Quagmire smushed into Brundlefly, and I just cannot. I really wish 1. the child molesters were not ethnic, and 2. that the infamous Frank looked way less stereotypical lol. Like, he's so obvious. He has the whole ~child predator~ costume down pat, and I am just so distraught that they made absolutely no effort to deviate from trope. Well, I guess him being Hispanic deviates? Usually these dudes are chalkheads, but side-eye at them going off-book on the race only lol like come on

Wait who drew this? One of the kids but I can't remember - was it Jason? Frank's girl? One of those other random kids? Whatever, this shit is hilarious and that's why I screencapped it. But qq: why am I like this? 

Oh, this was MY NIGGA!!! lol, I forgot his name, but he was lowkey the true star of the film. There was just something about how off-the-street his casting seemed that endeared him to me :') I wonder if they cast like a real-life cop, or just some shitty extra because the real actor playing his part got murdered or had an awakening and decided to do literally anything else with their life

*deceased*

When mah nigga came thru talkin about Frank's daughter had gonorrhea, I shit in my pants. I was distraught. And then they started talking about how all the other kids probably had gonorrhea, etc., and I was just dying and crying. It was too much, but not enough. You mean to tell me a made for television movie about child rape made around 1990 is not about to drop an AIDS bomb? Or are we just covering one headlining news subject at a time? Sigh, this is why made for tv movies can't be great - go in or go home!!! 

The way Jason was sitting, coloring at the table all proper-like was really killing me. He's such a little lady, I can't. 

I think this was when Jason's dad was all "No matter what gross shit happened to you, we'll still love you, son". There was this real emphasis made on the fact that kids won't want to tell their parents about being abused, for fear their parents will look at them like "eugh, you let him do what??". Jason's dad was really feelin' some type of way about this, so kept saying things to Jason like "We love you, son! You're so brave!!" It was gettin a little weird. If I were Jason I wouldn't tell him about being molested just so he wouldn't like, buy me a congratulatory fucking ice cream. Weird ass.

omg this family. So the boy from Pet Semetary had a sister. What happened with this family was that they discovered one of their kids was molested, I forget if it was "Chad", or his sister. I think they found out Chad was molested, yeah. Yes, and when they were at the police station waiting for Chad to get interviewed, the mom started freaking out, worrying if their daughter, too, had been abused, and the dick dad was all like "Calm down, [Sharon or whatever her name was]! Let's just focus on Chad!" It was just so funny (or horrible?) how dismissive he was of the idea that the daughter got molested, too. Like, let's just worry about this fucking idiot first. Idk, it was really amazing. Lol but anyway, turns out the daughter definitely got molested, too. So good job, daddy. I would feel bad about my facetious tone concerning this serious subject if...I were a better person. And also if the dad in this scenario was way less of a dick in an amusing way to me. 

That's a cool lamp! 

My baby :') He looks like Joe Swanson and a frog <33

Idk, Joseph and Laurie getting excited about something that is not normal to get excited about. Like all the kids' gonorrhea tests coming back possie. Yayyyyy!! 

He's such a grown woman, carrying his own bowl from the counter over to the table :') lol look at the mom, "You were molested". No, I really have to stop laughing...ugh IF THE MOVIE WERE BETTER...no, I'm lying. I'm just a piece of shit. But this movie really is hilarious, like even a good person would find this funny. Sigh, no they wouldn't :/ A good person would have chosen to watch Veggie Tales and not write a shitty blog post about it, because they have a life, good people have lives. Ones I want to live? Nah, hell nah!!! They probably go to like national parks for fun. No thanks! (I'm scared of owls). 

I think Jason asks his mom if she'll still love him if he tells her he was touched on his bum. JASON, THEY BEEN SAYING THIS!! Or, was it just the dad? Maybe Jason all along needed his mommy to reassure him she wouldn't give him up for adoption if he admitted he heavily participated in those orgies over at Frank and them's house. Jason's mom is like "um, yeah" and then I guess Jason tells her in detail everything that happened to him jesus 

idk his appearance was funny to me

*screams until dies*

THIS WAS SOOOO FUNNY!! PLEASE!! Omgomg. Okay so like the whole movie Jason was telling interviewers and stuff everything that'd go down at the babysitter's abode, but he'd never personally implicate himself, or put himself directly in the action. He'd just talk about it like he was an omnipresent figure. They really wanted Jason to confess what exactly happened to him. Finally he does and then they have him like cross-examined by the defense, I guess Frank's lawyer. He's going hard on Jason, trying to accuse him of lying. It was really douchey. But I got my entire fucking life when the lawyer dude asked Jason "When did he do it?" and JASON FUCKING SAID "PARTIALLY"!!! "WHAT?" "PARTIALLY." I could not. believe it. What kid is walking around using the word "partially"? The way they wrote for him was so ridiculous but I love it because it just made his character and this shitty movie that much better :') I should...honestly stop being so amused :( But how are you partially molested, though *that dude from troll 2 with the fly on his head* ommgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg 

The cop's daughter was cute. Too bad about that rash 

*shudders* Wait, did she get a rash or was--Either way, she has gonorrhea. So too bad about that!! 

Babygirl :')

Secret babygirl ;)

Why is he--Chad never had a chance smh

omg

The jury. Lol Frank is going to prison omg look at the lady's face. The black dude is giving me I'm in public and wearing a suit, subdued and refined "bruh" face. The old white dude is like internally breathing a sigh of relief all the focus is on Frank and not whatever's in his basement 

Why would Frank come to court lookin like this lol. Is he serious? Of course the jury is going to deem you guilty! You look like you were born fucking kids! He didn't even try, come on. At least buy a toupée that makes you look less lizard-like, or get a pair of glasses from not the fucking Jeffrey Dahmer Collection, I mean honestly! 

Why did I cap this? Jason was probably getting congratulated for going into super-specific, grotesque detail about those orgies and what happened to his butt. He looks so cute in a suit :') 

Jason coming back down to reality. 

I shouldn't be allowed to live. I def capped this for that dude's arms. They're so hairy :') THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT KIDS GETTING RAPED WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND OMG

The jury found Frank "guilty" on like all his charges (kaduh). Laurie and Joseph stare deeply into each other's eyes after the verdict. Weird. ohs. 

idk she played one of the cops. She was cute; bae; etc. 

:33

Florida. Of course.