Whiplash (2014)

Yes. This movie has everything: yelling, abuse, homoerotic overtones, Miles Teller, Paul Reiser (lol), um...intense...drumming...scenes???

Well, the yelling and abuse and Miles Teller were really important to me. Like, when I first saw the trailers for this movie I was like, "oh, okay. Oz, but, like, drums. Okay, turn up!" I was really into the idea of Schillinger being a rapey Nazi in a college setting, heaping abuse upon a young student played by new Shia LaBeouf. Like, what a perfect concept for a film. You know what I like, Damien Chazelle. 

So new Shia LaBeouf, who will never replace old one, due to new one's inability to cry on cue even when there is no cue, plays some nigga named Andrew. Andrew does drums. Rq: I never knew when Andrew was playing good/bad/okayish, so I never knew when Schillinger was just being a dick or a hardass...or if legit Andrew wasn't playing the best he could play, or at least good enough to get into Fletcher's band. Wait, really quick part II: Is Miles more Shia LaBeouf, or John Cusack? Like a blend of both? That sounds really horrible on paper, but...the actualized version...is much worse :')

Okay lol so the movie starts with Andrew playing drums in some room blah blah Fletcher is, basically, auditioning for a new sub. Right? That's all this movie is about, right? A dom looking for a replacement sub? Cuz he "accidentally" killed the last one? (FORESHADOWING?!) (R.I.P. Shawn Casey) 

Andrew's little audition doesn't get him into the band right away. Schillinger is playing mind games, I guess? Because I figured he liked Andrew's playing at the very beginning, but, like, didn't want to give him any confidence by immediately accepting him? Idk, or maybe he did actually need to see him play again in class? CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN that faceless black dude was talking shit about Andrew right in front of him to that douchey ginger? He's like, "Man, I'm glad you're back - Neimann was killing us on drums!" BUT LIKE. REMEMBER WHEN HE PLAYED AND IT WAS TRASH?! I'm screaming that he had the audacity to be talking about someone else lol. Typical negro in a blue polo who's seriously in band. Also lol @ O'Connelly or whatever his name is being like ~popular~ and good with the ladies. He has RED HAIR. It wasn't even subtle, that shit looked like dried ketchup pleeeeeeeaassseee.

Anyway, I was really pumped when Fletcher chose Andrew to be in his band over the ginger. And I loved how the ginger thought Fletcher had chosen him but Fletchy was all "lol no sit down - the other one". I'm annoyed with how immediately I was clapping and excited concerning Fletcher's approval and validation of Andrew. Like, why was I so instantly into this creepy daddy son sub/dom roleplay dynamic he was trying to set up with him? Idk, man, I have a lot of problems, ngl :')

Rq, let's discuss how ol' penis stump lookin' ass head would never be hurling insults or raising his voice at any niggas lol. Well, would any niggas be in band? Some. And, sigh, I guess those types of niggas would be the type Fletcher could yell at, so, sigh, never mind. But when Fletcher was yelling at that fat dude, talking about "what are you looking at on the floor? There aint a Mars bar down there - witcho fat ass!" I was like "lol who is he talking to??!" Like, I would roast the shit outta Fletcher are you kidding me?! Any nigga, or even an individual of the cholo variety, would've just started roasting the shit outta that nigga's dome - like. Nah, but then I remember how band types are just a different, fucked-up, trash baby species entirely. But come on, that nigga cried. lol, no bald nigga is ever making me cry but okay. And please note that there were def blackies in the studio, whom we never saw Schillinger come for jus sayin' lol 

WAIT WAIT But how come the dude who was actually fucking up in the trombones or tuba section or whatever didn't get kicked out, but the fatty did?? What?? Fletcher's like, "He didn't know he was out of tune, and that's just as bad." UM, I GUESS? But what's also just as bad?? That dude who was actually out of time, sitting there all smug and shit, still being out of time! The fuck?! 

CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN FLETCHER INTRODUCED ANDREW TO THE CREW AND WAS ALL LIKE "ISN'T HE CUTE??"?! YES, HE IS. And...I swear to god, I shipped them very hard. I have so many mental problems, obviously, but I think they'd make...a horrible couple, and those are my fave :) Life is terrible! :')

OKAY LET'S ALSO TALK ABOUT Fletcher being fake. as. hell. I don't get...how Andrew couldn't see this?? FIRST...first...can we...like...that whole scene with Fletcher having Andrew essentially pinned up against the fucking wall and asking probing questions about his parents and childhood and shit, like, jesus. It was sexy and horrifying and I wanted to go get an adult. But I'm really annoyed Andrew was too stupid to see what he was doing. Or...in real life...would it be more difficult to see something like this? Like, I'm watching this at home on TV being like, "Wake up, dummy!" cuz I have that advantage of seeing the situation from the outside...but, idk, I feel like Fletcher's reputation precedes him, and I don't get why Andrew would think he was trying to be warm and inviting and get all buddy buddy with him. But I was very happy when they went back into the rehearsal room and Fletcher went right into brutally criticizing Andrew's performance, throwing back at him the shit he told Fletcher about his mom leaving and his dad being a failed writer. "No wonder mommy left you!" Shit like that. Like, wow, what a horrible fucking monster beautiful butterfly angel mcqueen. 

Okay rq let me briefly gloss over Nicole lol. Their first date scene was very cute and real-ish. Also, it was super-awkward and made me want to die while watching. I knew immediately they wouldn't work out when Nicole said she hadn't decided on her major and Andrew was all "lol what?". Like, he's been drumming since forever and this ho just skips over from Arizona like "lol Fordham, I guess??" lol, no seriously, who goes to Fordham with no plan? Like, you applied to a pretty great school with no idea what you're gonna do there? You came all the way over from Arizona on some *shrug* shit?! I mean, no judging, but, come on. But I don't want to be #TeamAndrew, because he was hella rude for being like, "lol we won't work out cuz I'm better than you and you'll get in the way of my dreams, you aimless, no future having, Aéropastle flats wearing bitch. :)". Like, why did he even bother asking her out? Honestly, I think it had more to do with the high he felt when Schillinger asked him to be a part of his studio. He was just, like, super-confident and full of adrenaline I guess and was all "I'm gonna ask out that cute girl at the movie theater!", not even thinking about what having a girlfriend would mean for him. I feel bad for Nicole, but not really. Like, Andrew would've been a terrible boyfriend with calloused hands from a sort of not cool way to get calloused hands. Like drumming is cool, but is the drumming Andrew does cool idkidk like...it's jazz. Jazz. Nicole is better off. 

Let's discuss that dinner scene! So I felt bad for Andrew that no one cared about his drum-playing. People throw so much shade at the arts and it's annoying. But I'm biased, coming from a place of hating sports. Like, the woman is bragging about her sons being on the football team which EYEROLL NO ONE CARES SHARON. And then she tossed Andrew a little bone like, "oh, and Andrew's little drum playing". Whatttt aaa cunnnnntt. I loved how Andrew got annoyed and shut that dude down who was on like a third tier football team, whatever that means, but I'm sure it means mediocre. That ironic T.I. song was about you, third tier. I love fights and cut-downs at a dinner table. It may/may not be my fave thing in movies/television/plays. It's just so wonderful to watch a scene of family-types bitching each other down over a dry ass meal of usually turkey-something. Maybe there are peas. And they're like perfect-looking peas. What I didn't like about this scene was Andrew's daddy coming for him?? Like when Andrew said that thing about "four words you'll never hear from the NFL" or something, didn't Paul Reiser's face have the audacity to say some shit like, "Or you from Lincoln Center?"???? I was like "um, gasp", like. You betrayer! Who comes for their own son in front of company? And it was like super-rude! What if Andrew said some shit like that to you about your failed ebook writing career, huh?? Lol, knowing Andrew, he probably has. Moving on! 

Okay so I was very proud of Andrew when he inadvertently was made a main player due to him losing that book of compositions. 1. I hated Tanner and wanted him to die. Andrew taking his spot was the next best thing. And ugh how shrivelly of him to be like "I gave the book to Andrew but he lost it!!" Of course Fletcher would be like "lol but it was ur responsibility." And then it got even better when he revealed he didn't know the play by heart, because of his"memory". Lol, isn't memory like a crucial thing for musicians or nah?? Andrew was all "I know it". Yes, baby, yes!! Sorry I just called you baby, but yessss! I felt so happy and pleased and was just so ready in my soul for him to finally shine :') And then they get back to rehearsal and Tanner is sitting at the drums but Fletcher is all "no time for replacements today! Get out of here [probably insult about him being a blowjob queen]!!!" I just felt...so cleansed by Andrew succeeding and stepping on the heads of his opponents. Of course I'm a dummy and not preparing myself for Fletcher to pull some shit like "lol guess what, Andrew?? I'm gonna bring in the ginger to play, just to fuck with you! But I'll pretend it's cuz I don't know yet who I want to be main player on the drums! Don't ever get cocky or comfortable around here again :')" I hate Fletcher so. much. 

Rq let's talk about the ~death~ of Shawn Casey. So we've already established that Fletcher is a fake ho. And when he was talking about Shawn to the class, I assumed Shawn had committed suicide. But...Fletcher says he got in a car accident. WHAT A SOCIOPATH. Because as we find out later, Shawn had killed himself, and lowkey highkey, it was Schillinger's fucking fault for acting like he'd been cast as that head sergeant nigga in Full Metal Jacket, instead of as a teacher at a fucking music school. So after Fletcher does his little weepy act about Shawn, he resumes rehearsal, but right away the drums section is not his tempo. BATTLE-OFF BETWEEN ANDREW, KETCHUP HEAD, AND THE GAY ONE. Like, we know Andrew is gonna win, but this shit was still thrilling. And hard to fucking watch, yeah? I really loved Miles' strenuous-looking ass performance on the drums. He made it look like that shit hurt, and he was gunning for his fucking life. That really amped up the action and drama for me. Like, I felt his pain. He was giving me five days straight constipation pain while trying to strain out just one little turd nuglet faces, and I was living. Like, he was really delivering in that arena. 

I felt like I had five days worth of backlogged shit expelled from my ass all at once when Fletcher decided he won. I was like yes, but also really tired and only happy in a bittersweet way. Like, this was just the fucking audition. AND OF COURSE! Some shit happens that makes Andrew late for their performance and Fletcher's like "no, too late, O'Connelly on drums." I wanted to cry this was honestly devastating to me. Andrew's all "That's my fucking part!" I felt so happy that he was getting buck with Fletch. Fletcher was all *clutching pearls* Um, excuse me, whom are you referring to?? Andrew's yelling at him to give him five minutes so he can go get his sticks, and that he's playing that part. And I'm sitting here screaming at the television "YOU LEFT THAT SHIT AT THE CAR RENTAL PLACE YOU'RE NOT GONNA MAKE IT!!" This was...these were the most thrilling moments of my very sad life.

YO, WHEN ANDREW GOT HIT BY THAT CAR. What the fuck is this movie? WAIT, WAS IT A TRUCK HE GOT HIT BY??! idk, but I can't believe this movie happened and exists. And omg when he got out the car I started screaming for him to get his sticks and run to the performance area place lol. I HONESTLY thought he was going to pull some triumphant performance. Instead he gets there with blood all over his head and everyone's like "Neimann, wtf?" and he proceeds to play exactly like a nigga who has just been in a car accident. Sigh, I guess I should be happy they didn't pull some ~*~Hollywood magic~*~ bullshit, having this nigga give the performance of his life while suffering from brain contusions and shit. Fletcher comes over like, "You're done, Neimann." PLEASE. Andrew just fucking lunges for him. It took me too long to accept that it really was over for him. I'm like lol he'll probably get a talking to from the dean :') Nah, he got kicked out :')

So, Andrew's out of Shaffer, working at some fucking deli shop. Some lawyer bitch pops up like "lol Shawn Casey's family is bringing a lawsuit - they want to stop Schillinger from doing this to anyone ever again." At first Andrew's like "nah, Fletcher didn't do anything" and I really thought he'd stick to defending him. But his dad is like "You're kicked out, it's over, why are you protecting him?" Idk, I feel like if I was Andrew I wouldn't say anything? But I guess I'm not thinking about how it's really bullying and he totally caused the death of another person?? Lol idk, I'm very in the callous school of "get over it", especially since these are adults with their own agency, but fine. They don't show Andrew actually consenting to testifying, but I figured it didn't matter if he did, I just needed some hint that Fletcher would find out he was involved in this lawsuit in any way. AND OF COURSE! Andrew goes to see this dude perform in some bar. Fletcher spots Andrew, but Andrew tries to sneak out. But Fletcher catches up with him because he has plans to get. in. that. ass. They sit to have a nice chat and I pretty much figured Fletcher knew about the lawsuit and Andrew's involvement. They talk about Fletcher's teaching methods and Andrew is like "Don't you think maybe you go too far sometimes" and Fletcher is all "I just want to push people. There are no two words in the English language more harmful than 'good job'." That...can't be true. "Shoot him"...I think would cause more harm? "Kill her". Are these not working for you, Fletch? What about "You're bald"????? #antiexposedscalpblog

Should I talk about that horrible story Fletcher is always telling about Charlie Parker? I forget who he says threw a cymbal or whatever at his head, but yeah, some nigga threw some shit at his head, which is apparently how Charlie Parker became Charlie Parker, which is why Fletcher throws chairs at people, but hmmm, no Charlie for Fletcher. Maybe he's throwing the wrong shit. I actually feel like Andrew is Fletcher's Charlie, right? But I can't tell if he secretly thinks this the whole time, or doesn't realize til the end?? Speaking of that mess, Fletcher asks Andrew to play with his band. He has his own show somewhere? Idk, some shit. But Andrew is excited he gets to play again, which he stopped doing when he got kicked out of school. I'M DUMB FOR NOT SEEING THAT FLETCHER WOULD PULL SOME SHIT. But wow it doesn't make sense he'd ruin his own performance just to destroy Andrew. It looks bad on him if people on his crew play badly, oui??? Like, he's the conductor. I was just...flabbergasted at the lengths he'd go to fuck someone up. Is it even about the music at that point lol like u are totally and completely off your fucking shit. 

I LOVED that moment when Fletcher came out like "You think I'm stupid?". Gut drop for Andrew. But even better, I loved when Andrew recovered. That shit was glorious. His mouthed "fuck you" - I've never felt so alive!! And at first, Schillinger was pissed, but then he got fucking into it. Andrew is like "I'll cue you in!" and Fletcher is just nodding and taking his daddy's orders and suddenly the sub dom tables have turned! Andrew is on top, pounding away! And again, I shipped them. They'd make a really cute, horrifying, super-terrible couple. This is a romantic comedy. That is how I saw this film. What is entirely my fucking damage, hmmm?

Never forget Paul Reiser's face watching Andrew going hard on those drums at the end. Never forget Paul Reiser was in this movie. Never forget he was a star at one point. Like, famous. Probably there were tabloid stories about an on-set ugh romancughe with ugh him and ugh Helen ugh Hunt on ugh Mad ugh About ugh Yughoughu. 

The Bling Ring (2013)

This movie is dumb, but that's the point, right? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Could there have been a way to make a movie about these idiots, that wasn't idiotic? Like could there have been a The Social Networky version of this story? lol prob not. The Social Network was about a bunch of smart dweebs from fucking Harvard, The Bling Ring is about a bunch of vacuous teens from Cali robbing equally as vacuous celebrities from also there. Like, really, Miranda Kerr was your get? More offensively, Orlando Bloom's house?? And like, the supreme celeb's shit Queen Bee Rebecca really wanted to gain access to was Lindsay Lohan's. Look, I'm a fan of Lindsay. Like how I'm a fan of like Robert Durst's court appearances, you know??? It's not for any good, respectable reasons. Certainly I wouldn't like anybody to know about it lol, and certainly I wouldn't want to ransack their house to steal their skidmarked two thousand dollar pair of Hermès scarf thongs or whatever the fuck. So, yeah, this movie was always gonna be real dumb. 

I'm confused--no, not really. I'm not really confused why Sofia Coppola would make this, it's right up her wheelhouse - vapid rich people leading empty vapid rich people lives. That's her modus operandi, for the most part, and...I'm a fan...ish. An unashamed sort of fan of her work. I, for some reason, really loved Marie Antoinette and Somewhere, and almost very much enjoyed Lost in Translation. The Virgin Suicides is a good film. Like, I get excited for new Sofia shit. Mmm, however, I feel she made a misstep here, taking this story on. It's like too obvious for her, and also I feel this type of dumb story should be made by someone like Gregg Araki or some shit who could give it that nice trash gleam this story really needs. Sofia was tryna Spring Breakers this shit and she failed. I would really love like a John Waters version of this movie, though, that too may be way obvious? But if he made all the teens really horrible and ugly and like stunt-cast Lindsay Lohan as one of the teens robbing Lindsay Lohan's house - PLEASE THAT'S AMAZING. Sigh I'm annoyed that doesn't exist. 

Can we talk about Sofia's ~stunt casting~

I guffawed when K Dunst showed up. I was like "lol, Sofia, you jokester". And then Paris Hilton showed up and I was like "Okay, enough." Like, Sofia. Why the fuck you aint get Lindsay? Do you not have her number? Were you not tryna deal with that? Idk, like you had those news clips of her walking to different court appearances lol, and those were great. Lowkey they were the best thing about this movie?? Imagine if...you had actually gotten real-life actual Lilo to be in the film! Though maybe that would be overkill?? What would she even do?? Come shrieking out of the house like Baby Jane, waving a life-size doll of Tyra Banks from Life-Size at Rebecca & co.? I MEAN, if you were really worth your salt, 100% you would have included that in the film, even though this shit is based on a true story and I guess Lindsay wasn't home when they robbed her?? Or at least she was passed out from various substance abuse! Which, sigh, would have prevented her from attacking her robbers with a life-size doll of Tyra Banks from Life-Size. Wow, I really hope that exists. 

I really hated most of the crew. The ~*~band of thieves~*~. Like, one, Emma Watson as Nicki was so woefully miscast like wtf was even happening here. First of all, she sounded posh as shit. I've seen that real-life version of Nicki on TV before and she's gutter trash, and nothing Emma Watson could ever do will make her trashy. Like, her terrible extensions in the film looked like rejected transplants, but they still didn't make her look trashy. She was so Brit and upper-crust lol. Like, the only thing trash here was her fucking accent. GARBÁGE, for real. That ~*~AMerKKKin aCceNt~*~ made me cringe. So bad what the heck. Taissa, per ush, was mostly useless. I guess she comes from the Kstew school of I'll just constantly run my fingers through my hair to distract from my lack of everything. That should work! 50% of the time it does, so, I guess...keep it up??? Marc was annoying. I hated his scarves and fedoras, like, please. And when he was talking to the interviewer about how he said he never felt ugly, but he, like, never felt A-List, you know?? Lol what is self-awareness, like???? I was even more annoyed when the interviewer bitch was all ":) You're not ugly." THIRSTY! And this lil chicken nugget head ass loser is talking to you about robbing people's homes. You're sitting over there like "aw ur a qt pie, don't feel self-conscious :33" like, PLEASE! I can't remember if I read the piece this movie was based on in Vanity Fair, but if I did, I'm certain I vomited? Like omg. Unless she omitted being like "aw no, you're so fuckable, Marc! Marc Jacobs?! Fuckable by Marc Jacobs!!" 

Two hoes of the crew that I sort of loved were Rebecca and Chloe. Actually, I just full-on, straight-up adored Rebecca, and tried to take a bunch of pics of her to capture her beauty 

but none of them truly captured her essence. Like, you can tell she's gorg, but you can't tell she's a sociopath slash expert manipulator who smuggles stolen goods across state lines like that's just some shit you do. 

DOES THIS PIC CAPTURE THAT? I screamed when she told the cops she had nothing to do with any of the robberies, then immediately folded when they found naked pics of P. Hilt in her house. Rebecca is a goddess, idc. I was totally here for her the entire movie, and omg, so glad that Emma/Nicki wasn't the ~lead~, which is what I thought she was, and I became immediately despondent, struggling with the thought of having to sit through an entire film with her saying most of the lines in that horrendous accent and that terrible hair. But no! The star was Katie Chang and thank god. Actually, maybe she shared star-time with Israel Broussard? No, I've blocked Marc from my memory. Rebecca was the star. Marc was, like, her assistant, come on. 

Chloe was the worst, with her rapping in the car and that husky ass voice. And by worst I mean, second best to Rebecca. Had Rebecca been killed off by a surprise Lilo attack, Chloe would have been my favorite. She was so annoying and horrible, akin to a Bijou Phillips appearance in some terrible, depressing indie from the nineties. Bijou is definitely someone to model yourself after, so keep it up, girl who played Chloe.

lol never forget the cops rolling up to Chloe's house and her just sitting in the kitchen eating her cereal, waiting. She had this lowkey "oh shit" face on while her detached parents were in the background like "What is that...??" A beautiful moment. And I also loved her after they were sentenced. Her walk out of the courtroom was very much a look. Compare hers to Nicki's, who was a groveling sobbing mess. Um, I really can't believe I called Chloe annoying when Nicki exists. Nicki is the worst and Chloe is the second best. I can't believe I ever talked bad about you, my second queen. Wait, lowkey: did I like this movie? Sigh, so predictable. 

I sort of loved the interview at the end. It was embarrassing, but also so real. Like, such a real tabloid-y entertainment tonight sort of thing. I loved how they clearly only had Nicki on the show to ask about Lindsay Lohan. I love how Nicki was in the same jail as Lindsay. Did that actually happen with the real-life chick Nicki is based off? Cuz lol. That is so tragic on so many levels, and I can't tell for whom more. The interviewer guy asks about Lindsay crying in her cell (how did he get that info?) and Nicki's all "Yeah she was crying! I heard her!" and then lapses into some thing about how Lilo got to keep her clip-ons, but the other girls didn't--Oh. Now...now I see why maybe Lindsay wasn't in this film lol. Is it possible...that Lindsay turned Sofia down? lol no, Sofia prob just didn't ask. But I'm wondering how she got Paris? Like, the girls make comments about Paris' naked photos and gag at some unseen shit in one of her duffle bags. Did Paris read the script before signing onto this lol? Prob not. She was prob all "Sofia Coppola!! xxoo!!" But, like, wouldn't Lindsay have been the same way?? No, straight-up Sofia just didn't ask her to be in it lol I'm salty as hell what a huge missed opportunity to make this movie much worse than it already is. 

Lovin' Molly (1974)

lol okay what was this movie? The only reason I watched this was for Anthony Perkins, who is my mother. I love him and will, UNFORTUNATELY, watch any shit he's in. Like, so unfortunately, because most of his movies are trash, including this bullshit I'm writing about now, Lovin Molly. 

So, like, I had no idea what this movie would be about. I just knew Perkins was in it, so I watched it. HONESTLY, like honestly, had I'd known he'd be like, a fucking "cowboy" in this, I probably wouldn't have watched it lol because spare me. Please. Like

LOOK AT HIM

LOOK AT HIS FIGURE. LOOK AT HIS BUTT IN HIS COWBOY JEANS. PLEEEEEEEEEEEAASSSSEEE

Me, too, Tony. Me. too. 

So really this movie is about some bitch named Molly, played by Gwyneth Paltrow's mom, who is like some free spirit hippie sort, but like set in The Dust Bowl era, I think? Like the movie starts out probably in the thirties?? Idk, I wasn't paying attention. I just know when the time jumps forward and the characters get older, the year is 1945, so I think when they're younger it's in the thirties. Anyway, Molly is fucking like every dude in town, including two bros named Gid (-_-) and Johnny, played, respectivelyish, by Anthony Perkins and fucking Beau Bridges. They're playing brothers.

THEY LOOK SUPER RELATED. Also, Hollywood knows Beau has an actual actor bro, right? Like, they couldn't have gotten Jeff?? Anthony was so out of place here lol like it was really awkward but okaaaaay like who cast this movie but okaaaaaay. You didn't have to hire Jeff! Like, shit, idk Burt Reynolds, like literally anyone else besides Anthony Perkins what were you thinking I...I just... Like, I love him SO MUCH but omg noooo just nooooooo at him in this movie lol pleeeeassee

Anyway sigh, Gid (-_-) is, I guess, the older (-_-) brother and like responsible and all about farming or whatever. And Johnny appears borderline retarded. He has like one of those haircuts--I'm SO MAD I didn't screencap his haircut. Let me see if I can find a pic of that shit online sigh lazy sigh. Ugh, I can't find it. I want to die, it looked so stupid. So Gid is the responsible older one and Johnny is the younger dumb one with no purpose in life. They both are fucking Molly, which is weird as heck. Like, they're just sharing her? Um, okaaay. Like, it appears only two women live in this town: Molly, and Susan Sarandon, who has like twelve million kids. And I'm guessing Susan is the town semen receptacle, or was for a while before Molly glo'ed up into adulthood and now she's coming (ha) into her own terrible reputation sigh idk. 

Gid wants to marry Molly, but she's all I NEVER WANT TO BE MARRIED. Okay but then like two seconds later she marries some random dude. ?????. But she keeps fucking Gid, and Johnny, too, I think? And then she's saying how she wants to get pregnant by Gid but she's still married to that dude????? And Gid is just like "lol yeah we'll raise a child!" except...she's still married to that dude?? And also Gid got married to the town's semen receptacle??? So, they're both married to other bitches, but having a kid together????? And then I guess Molly's husband dies and so she gets knocked up by Johnny????????????????????????????????????? And then fast-forward some years and Molly and Johnny's kid dies in action, and the kid she had by Gid is over at war, too. But he's pissed at them because he found out that other dude wasn't his real dad blah blah but this doesn't even matter because he gets killed in action, too! Yay. And thennnnn...Molly and Gid are together grieving his death, which means they're fucking?? But Gid is all sad, like, "I don't want to do this anymore" and Molly gets pissed that he's cutting off the d. But he leaves her and stays away for a while but then turns up again with a puppy in his shirt,

signifying he wants to resume giving Molly that dick. But Molly sort of rebuffs him, likening herself to someone hiding all the booze from a recovering alcoholic I guess???? Good to know you're self-aware enough to compare the powers of your vagina to...substance...addiction. ????? 

AND THENNNNNNNNNNN I don't know, here's some random screencaps I took

This was when Gid was just straight-up peeing on Johnny <.<

REMEMBER WHEN MOLLY WAS LIKE "LET'S GO SKINNY DIPPING AND ALSO FUCK" AND GID DIDN'T WANT TO?????????? <.<

REMEMBER WHEN GID LEFT THE ROOM FOR 2 SECONDS AND MOLLY FREAKED OUT LIKE "WHERE DID YOU GO?!!?!? DON'T EVER LEAVE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN!?!!?!??@" ??????? lol he left the room to go lock the house door and shit so no one would walk in on them fucking I guess but literally he was gone for 2 seconds this bitch is crazy but nice hair tho

Older Johnny was so ugly. Does this pic properly capture the dunce nature of his character?? 

What about this one???? Yeah, I think you get it. 

Here are some screencaps out of context and unexplained.

lol remember when the doc came in and like gruffly barked at Gid to take a nap and Gid was all "I'll go to sleep when I'm sleepy!" and the doc was like "YOU COWBOYS ARE ALL THE SAME - THINK THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU!" lol it was so unnecessary, and what sort of bedside manner? Like, why are you barking at people lol this isn't the army nigga fall back 

Remember when Gid died????? lol

Remember when...

Johnny was in, like,

blackface??????????? And, like, most importantly, wearing a fucking nightdress???? WHAT IS

Idk, man.

 

Obvious Child (2014)

This romantic comedy is different because the female lead gets an abortion and her man still wants her and also she's a comedian and like ~raw~ and ~exposed~~ and she's Jewish, too, and like, when has Reese Witherspoon ever been Jewish???

This movie felt like an answer to a question no one was asking. "Where's the millennial romcom?" Where's the movie for people born post-80s whose futures have been ruined by the generation preceding them and everything seems really bleak and super-depressing so lol fuck it drunk sex no condom, baby, living on the edge!! ? Hmm?? Where is that film?? I guess it's...here? This film? ...Thanks?? 

Watching this movie I could like see Gillian Robespierre writing it like, OMG THIS IS BRIDESMAIDS MUMBLECORE WOODY ALLEN MEETS SALLY. Like, really feeling herself. And it's actually not that bad of a film. For one: she has Gaby fucking Hoffmann my queen, and Gabe Liedman up in this bitch and I love them and they're both, respectively, horrifying and hilarious. This movie also has Jenny Slate whom I have been super-excited about since season 1 of Kroll Show and I just love seeing her in whatever, and she's great here and I love her nose. So, the cast is pretty tight. Do I need more minorities? Almost fucking always, but I'll ignore it. Just like with Girls, let's not act like these ppl chill with anyone not them-colored. So, the super white cast is pretty sweet! Wait, but how do I feel about Jake Lacy? Like, he was cool as the Jim replacement for what seemed like a planned The Office 2.0...and he was cool on Girls and he's...cool. But also, like Jenny describes him in the film, muy Xtian. Very, like, he drinks a whole glass of milk with his dinner. Like, he's nothing special. Well, no, that's rude. He's not my cup of tea. I incline more towards the Ezra Millers of the world, and Jake is like, not that. But ugh, if you're giving me like this bland boring white boy can you just hire like Dane DeHaan? He's a good actor and can act bland and boring even though he is not unlike Jake Lacy whom I don't even not like so why am I coming for him in this manner?? Idk, complaining makes me feel alive. 

So I liked the cast! Check. The script was a little...mmm, idk, not as up to par. Firstly, I didn't buy Donna being all distraught over her dude breaking up with her? Granted, I have no experience with this relationship nonsense, so idk wtf it's like to have your heart broken, but...like, her dude just seemed whack. I felt like...we should've seen more of him? And they didn't even show the girl he left Donna for, which was her friend. Idk, like their lack of screentime made me not identify with or care about Donna like being all crushed over him. Like when she's stalking him outside his house all I could do was be like "oh, no, girl". I didn't get why she was there, or why one would...stalk their ex, or want to see him walking around with the bitch he cheated on you with. I just felt vaguely uncomfortable for her, and worried about her lack of a coat, as it looked pretty cold. Also she tossed that cup of coffee and it just does not seem realistic at all that someone would just toss an entire cup of coffee like that. It's just not authentic at all. 

Another prob I had was just Jake Lacy's character entirely. Well not him, so much as...his placement in the movie and Donna's life. Like 1. Why was he so interested in her at the beginning? She's cute, so it makes sense from that standpoint, but she was also being crazy sloppy, and was obviously very drunk and having some "issues". Why was he so into it? Was he just like "This looks like an easy lay"? Because that makes my opinion of his mostly cool character go down. And he's just like plying her with more and more booze and it's like okaaaay. Then later he shows up at her bookstore job like HI :D!!!!!! when their situation was clearly a one night stand sort of deal?????? Like, I didn't really get him. And also I was uncomfortable with the fact that he sort of comes in to heal Jenny, in a way. It's like as soon as she's dumped oh here's this white knight riding in on his horse made of frat boy boat shoes and peacoats I guess they sell at The Gap? Like, why couldn't this movie be about...a woman ~finding herself~ like by herself? Or was that not what it was? Or was this a finding yourself movie but maybe you don't have to do it alone but ugh did it really have to be like so romcommy??? Like why is this a romantic film - I don't want it to be. She's going through all this shit and then it's like BUT LOL MOST IMPORTANTLY: BOYFRIEND! It's what makes me uncomfortable a lot of times about Girls. But ugh at least in this movie it's not Jenny being all "I need to sign up to Tinder to forget all my troubles and worries and that abortion I have to get on Valentine's Day ahah!" Jake sort of just happens and she, like for a good chunk of the movie, sort of doesn't even want him to be? 

Also, eyeroll @ a Valentine's Day abortion. Just stop it. But let's talk about Jenny in that scene when she schedules the procedure because that killed me! 

Her little face was ruining my soul. I was ALMOST getting into my feelings lol. Like my eyeballs were getting irritated but that's likely because I spend so much time staring at a screen and the lasery computer lights are like deteriorating my eyeballs and it's like I already have myopia and astigmatism - what am I doing??? Smh I should eat more carrots or something but ugh they are soo hard and not in a good way ;) if u know what i mean ;) Like, they're not a frozen candy bar is what I mean. Hard in a good way like that. 

Also, that abortion scheduling scene made me think of the one in Nymphomaniac: Vol. 2, though not sure why. I guess because they were sort of seated in the same position lol? And in Nympho, the abortion scheduler bitch tells Joe she has to get evaluated or something first before she can get her abortion, but they don't say that to Jenny, right? She's just like I want to buy an abortion! And the lady is like "lol Valentine's Day?" I think the real abortion romantic comedy was Nymphomaniac: Vol.1 & 2 Director's Cut and that's why my brain reminded me of that scene while watching the movie. Like Gillian Robespierre tried, but she's no Lars, unfortunately, said no one ever. 

Yes, my queen, please never stop going off. I wish Gaby would be mainstreamed. Like I want to see her in some shitty Michael Bay films, or some bland Steven Spielberg dreck making everyone know her name and get all itchy and antsy about her in the youtube comments section. This is what truly needs to happen. This indie shit is over because they don't even give you enough lines and screentime so at least go be in the next James Bond movie and make everyone uncomfortable for five minutes and collect them million dollar checks thank yooouuuuu thanks. CAN YOU IMAGINE THIS MOVIE WITH GABY AS THE LEAD, NO OFFENSE, BUT IT WOULD'VE BEEN SOOO MUCH BETTER. She would have fucking eaten Jake Lacy, and that's just the sort of entertainment I seek. 

Remember when Donna told Jake she was pregnant in her standup and he was like

1st, Donna's stand-up was...like funny sometimes, but horrifying and cringe-worthy, all the other times. I just got finished watching this Funny Girls docuseries mess on Oxygen about these female stand-ups living in L.A. and seriously like all of the white girls on that shit were exactly like Donna is in this, having like breakdowns on stage that are mostly non-funny and super-cringey but when they were able to work it out (get their head out of their ass), eventually it became funny...ish. Funnyish because the only really funny chick on that show was that fat black bitch and now I need an abortion romcom with a fat black bitch and please do not cast Martin Lawrence in his Big Momma's House fat suit. I...I can't believe those Big Momma's House movies exist omg.

What was I--right, when Donna had told Whatever his name is about being pregnant. On stage, in her stand-up. That is...uncool, but okay. Also, I agree with Gaby that he didn't like deserve to know, she didn't owe him anything. Like, she's getting an abortion, what does it matter if he knows about the pregnancy or not? Like why did Donna feel like she had to tell him? I don't think I would? But obvi it depends on the guy. I think...I definitely wouldn't tell Jake, especially after he was talking about becoming a grandfather someday - um, awkward. 

So, natch, he leaves during her set because why wouldn't he??? But the next day when Donna's getting ready to go to the clinic, ol' milk teeth shows up with a fucking bouquet of flowers like "Lol Happy Abortion Valentine's Day, future grandmother of my hopefully not aborted grandchildren!!!!"

Okay, Gillian Robespierre, okaaaaay (I just like saying your last name in my head when I type that's all this is about you've made a mostly fine film 73% goodish job). 

Can we talk about that nurse at the abortion clinic

? Like, "Aw, you're here to get an abortion. This is where you're at in life - no judging lol awwww. Praise the Lord, aww you sweet little thing you piece of shit hallelujah I will have a tuna salad for lunch. Shit I forgot to turn the iron off." There was a lot going on in her face, and absolutely none of it seemed appropriate. True star of this film? She's like the only black one, so, by default, yes. 

The movie ends with Donna over at Milquetoast's place and they're chillin' on the couch and she's sippin' post-abortion tea and he's like "lol u wanna watch Gone with the Wind" and Donna is like "yeah but it's like 10 hours" (I wish) and then Cornmeal Face is like, "Do you have somewhere to be?" Lol cuz she just got that abortion but also because Donna has no plans in general due to being a loser. They proceed to watch Gone with the Wind, and like, I guess that's cute, and it's totally my fantasy to have anyone want to watch the entirety of that movie with me--actually, no. Because if you talk one time, if you make one comment throughout the whole four hours about anything I will lose my shit and this is why this movie didn't really resonate with me like I can't stand to be in a room with a person for five minutes how do you stand to get accidentally knocked up by one and then like keep hanging out with that person after that and ugh he brought you flowers jesus wtf am I supposed to do--where do I put these?! I don't have a vase! (I say vayse, not vahz. Vahz is douchey and pretentious ugh but vayse sounds so Wal-Mart no fuck that I'm switching to vahz. Douchey and pretentious is way more my speed). 

Spectacular Nah (2013)

I hate when I think I'm going to love a movie but then I end up bleeding internally instead?? Or, I mean, end up not liking it, like at all. This movie is...I hate it. It's super-hateable and it made me almost dislike Miles Teller who is already standing right on that fine line between charming douche and just-a-douche douche. His character in this movie is a fucking piece of shit obnoxious ass trash rat who catches this little baby deer and takes her in and proceeds to try to ruin her fucking life but this movie is trying to be like "lol young love, right?" 

Um.

When I read reviews for this I thought it was going to be like...Shailene's character would save Miles' character from the brink of teenage alcoholism, by loving him blah blah YA novel garbage blah. That sounded appealing to me because sometimes I'm into that sort of Sarah Dessen novel ass shit. However, this movie wasn't really that at all. Miles' character, who has the douchiest fucking name in Sutter, is obnoxious and rude and sort of insensitive and ~popular~ and he's always carrying this fountain soda cup around full of booze. Which, for some reason, took me forever to realize. Like I knew going in that his character was an alcoholic why am I like inquiring why he's like continuously sipping on Mountain Dew Code Red the entire film? It's booze, you dummy. But prob poured into the Mountain Dew Code Red, let's keep it real. 

So SUTTER is an alcoholic and he's one of those types who doesn't want to leave high school because he thinks these are the best years of his life blah or he's scared of responsibility (me too tf) and blah blah I really don't care about teenage douchebro problems. Like, what even is Sutter's damage? His mommy works late? His daddy abandoned him? Lol like try harder, please. How common are you? Oh and...he had this perfect, beautiful amazing relationship with Brie Larson who's supposed to be playing a teenager but she looks very much not a teenager but she broke up with him because she thought he was cheating blah blah next. Like, oh you think your fucking high school relationship is so amazing omg the end of the world romeo and juliet status?? All I saw was a montage of red solo cups and you jumping in the pool but okay, I guess you guys are Brad and Angie or some shit and Sutter you're definitely Brad Pitt like you could've gone pro had you kept playing baseball. 

Shailene's character Aimee wakes Sutter up when he's passed out on some random lawn and I'm immediately, right away, like sigh. 1. She knows Sutter's name but he doesn't know hers. And she's all like "You probably wouldn't know who I am" annnd you're right, bitch! He doesn't! But he makes it worse by pretending that he does? Do people really not know people who go to their schools? Like even if you're ~omg sew popular~ you see the other nerd ass, irrelevant kids, right? Like in the halls and class and stuff?? Idk, maybe their school is really big sigh. 2. Aimee is sweet and unassuming and I hate how eagerly she gives herself over to Sutter, who couldn't really give a shit. Can't wait for the rest of this whole movie! 

I really hated Sutter for a lot of things and so I'm just going to talk about that lol. This movie was trash and I don't feel like recapping/remembering everything that happened because I am still healing from watching it. I won't ever get those almost two hours back. I hope a better movie comes and cleanses me soon. Find me better movie, and erase this shit from my skull space.

Things I hated about Sutter!

-How he treated Aimee. He did not care about or love her and I refuse anyone's opinions who think he did. Why would he give her that flask, get her into drinking? Like why are you trying to lower this already low self-esteem having ass bitch to your no self-esteem having ass level? Why are you so dismissive and hurtful and rude and just so careless with her? Why, when you finally have a moment of self-awareness, do you take that time to yell at Aimee, who is trying to be there for you, make her get out of your car in like the middle of the fucking highway, and then be directly fucking responsible for her getting clipped by a truck? Hmmm?.?? Wtf is your actual problem? Sutter's entire "courtship" of Aimee made me so mad and I just wanted it to stop stop fucking stop before it even began. Like when they were at that gathering with all the red solo cups and he's trying to talk to his ex but she disses him so he goes and cockblocks some dude trying to chat Aimee up because oh, well, his ex isn't into it so Aimee's next on deck? HA TE. Hate even more that Aimee is into it. This bitch has no confidence/nothing to live for and it makes me sad and uncomfortable. Though it got a little less so later in the movie when she decides to ignore her mom and go to college and it's like yes get away from all these horrible fucking people in your life, like especially Sutter idc if he "encouraged" you, pretty sure he was just tryna get in them jeans. OMG AND AT THE PROM HE WAS BEING A DOUCHE AND OMG AFTER AIMEE GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND WAS IN THE CAST AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS COOL TO JUST POP BY THE HOUSE AND SHE WAS HAPPY TO SEE HIM WTF AND THEN LATER WHEN SHE'S WAITING FOR HIM AT THE BUS STOP AND HE'S JUST DOING A SLOW DRIVE BY WATCHING HER SAD LITTLE FACE CALL HIS PHONE PLEASE I HATE THIS MOVIE AND SUTTER SO. FUCKING. MUCH.

-What was Sutter's deal with Cassidy? 1. Why is Brie Larson like 28 at high school? 2. What is up with her new dude's hairline?? Why were Sutter and Cassidy acting like they had some great love going on when 1. they are in fucking high school and 2. they don't have great anything? Cassidy's acting like if Sutter would only be a little less Sutter, if maybe he'd be Sutt, or Utter or some shit, they could really get things going. And Sutter is dumb and saying things like "Fuck college and my future and stuff! All I need is my shitty job at that store, my mountain dew code red with ciroc by p.diddy vodka in it, and you babe <33". OH-KKKAY. And then Cassidy is like "I NEED A FUTURE!" like screaming in his face, as if they aren't in high school, and she prob won't even remember this nigga in three years but okay. Their whole mess just made me cringe. Because I just don't fucking care about high school romance lol it's irrelevant! ~Falling in love~ at seventeen doesn't matter! Red solo cup weddings aren't a thing!! WHO CARES?! Why does Cassidy have to yell about needing a future? Um, duh, you're going to college. Whether Sutter was a less Sutter-y version of himself or not, like even if he changed for her, they still wouldn't have ended up together because this is fucking high school and none of this drama is even remotely necessary. So Team Sutter for sipping on his mountain dew code red vodka in lieu of giving a shit. Team Sutter just this once. 

-Sutter's attitude towards his mom. Eyeroll. A mom can't keep her kids away from their father, I refuse to believe these sort of tales. I'm sure a lot of times there's a separation with a couple and then the mother doesn't want the dad around and makes things difficult, but physically keeping a child from seeing his father? No. If a dad wants to see their kid, they fucking will and I don't want to hear any stories. Also, make better decisions about who you decide to have children with so you don't have to complain about these things happening to you on like the The Steve Wilkos Show or some shit. But the mommy keeping the daddy away from his children is not even what's happening here! Sutter's dad is a loser douche piece of nothing gutter rat, who, obviously, has no interest in playing daddy. He didn't want to father. But before we even meet Sutter's dad and find out his story, I knew Sutter's attitude towards his mom, blaming her for his parents' separation and the dad leaving, was totally out of line, and without base. I knew this because when she complained about Sutter not picking up her nurse uniform, even though she asked him to, and Sutter had a dismissive attitude, I knew that he had no fucking respect for her, and so of course would immediately jump to blaming his mother for everything bad that's happened in the family, instead of seeking to view all sides of the situation. He was so horrible to her, and I think it made me feel worse than how he treated Aimee. Like when he showed up to his mom's job like "No wonder he left you" when she wouldn't give him the dad's number - like. Why can't he see she's keeping the number from him for good reason?! And IF HIS DAD WANTED TO TALK TO HIM, WHY DOESN'T HE CALL SUTTER? I just. I don't...I hate him. And I don't even....I'm not sure I'm entirely supposed to? Like the movie gives him little moments where we're supposed to see he's secretly good-hearted or something?? Like when that black dude comes to the store and Sutter gives him advice for how to boyfriend Cassidy and the black dude is all "You know, you're not like how everyone thinks you are Sutter" which is rude lol and also entirely untrue. Sutter is totally surface and the only reason he gave you that advice for Cassidy was because two seconds prior you were fin to kick his fucking ass. But ohhhkkaaaaayyyy. 

I'm done and tired and want to go home. 

Never forget: the true star of this film. R.I.P.

I took this because Shailene putting her hair up in a ponytail was like the best thing about this movie and I want to die that I didn't even capture it properly.

Remember that leaf that was tryna cockblock? I'm sad it failed.

Oh this was that moment when Cassidy yelled I NEED A FUTURE or whatever, implying Sutter couldn't provide her one. In response he just sipped his mountain dew code red sponsored by ciroc. Beautiful. Maybe this moment was worth suffering through all the other ones, but lol no jk burn this movie. Burn it to thenfuckinf ground.

This was when the token black dude with his afrika bambaataa ass hairline busted up into Sutter's job like WHAT'S GOING ON WITH CASSIDY?? Um, why don't you ask Cassidy?? I'm annoyed they have this black dude rollin' up like he bout to do something but instead he started cryin' about how he's not as "fun" as Sutter and Sutter's like "nah, man, you're cool! You're the class prez and you started that charity!" What a fake ho, this movie is trash.

I loved Aimee's friend just totally not having it with Sutter. Just check no'ing all over that ass. Good. The one character in this movie with some fucking goddamn sense. Read himmmmmmmm. 

These random extras and their faces when Aimee was talking about her dad's suicide. For some extras, they were really giving me a lot. I love extras who give more than required of them, which is nothing at all.

I tried to cap Aimee getting clipped by that car, but God wouldn't let me. Fuck you, God, you dick.

Rq: Kyle Chandler as Sutter's loser dad was so good, right? Like he totally embodied the deadbeat dad spending all his time in the bar wearing that same jean shirt that smells like cigarettes and depression every day spirit. He really transformed, so bravo. But also, you're dumb. Putting in that good performance for what? This worthless mess? What a waste lol you idiot

In conclusion, this movie is bad and if you think it's good you probably also really love Diet Coke and candy corn. You probably saw that movie Draft Day, like, in theaters. You watched the first episode of Friday Night Lights and didn't cringe and continued to watch, for some reason, more episodes. The Walking Dead is must see TV. Dear John was just as good if not better than The Notebook. You listen to Big Sean. You only wipe once after you take a shit and you don't even check the tissue. You're like, really impressed by Banksy. You put flavored shit in your water to make it more palatable. In conclusion, you are wrong about everything, and don't know fucking shit. Can this movie be remade into a kdrama or something so the cheesy/badness would actually fit? And everyone would be so much cuter and it'd make it easier to ignore all the shittiness. Also the main character would have to be addicted to like soju or some shit and that's just so much more adorable. I am not a koreaboo I swear! But...I know the term...so...