Gilda (1946)

Gilda is one of my favorite movies. But seriously, each time I watch it, the more problematic it becomes. This is probably...my third time watching it, I think. Like I love this movie but I spend almost the entire time yelling things at the screen?? And like groaning? And rolling my fucking eyes?? And sighing a bunch? And maybe there's a ton of dry heaving that turns into actual vomiting?? But I really like this movie I really do please explain why!!

Well,

Rita Hayworth really needs to get the fuck outta here with all that beauty. But not even just crazy beauty, she has mad personality and is charming and sympathetic as fuck and honestly she's 99% the reason why I love this movie but also 99% why I hate it. Like, she's too likable and I feel too bad for her and she shines too much of a light on how terrible everything is, especially how fucking awful her ~leading man~ is. Actually, both of Gilda's "M E N" in this movie are straight-up fucking abusive, and it's just...hard to watch. 

What I really want to do for this post is make fun of all the quotes from the movie they have up on imdb. Because the shitty quotes really illustrate what's wrong with this piece of shit that's not really a piece of shit but lowkey highkey it is, you know?? YOU KNOW.

$$$

Gilda: You do hate me, don't you, Johnny? 

Johnny Farrell: I don't think you have any idea of how much. 

Gilda: Hate is a very exciting emotion. Haven't you noticed? Very exciting. I hate you too, Johnny. I hate you so much I think I'm going to die from it. Darling... 

[they kiss passionately]

Gilda: I think I'm going to die from it. 

So. The word "hate" is used in this movie approximately 7,937 times. Low ballpark. Gilda, and Johnny, played by my favorite Canadian Glenn Ford, hate each other super fucking much. Why? NO FUCKING CLUE, MY PAL. Here's what I guessed: either Gilda was pregnant with Johnny's baby and she got freaked it'd be like Glenn Ford's head just attached to a baby's body and hastily aborted it, or...Gilda got up to her usual skank ass activities one night and Glenn found out and got pissed and left. OKAY. First, it's made clear Gilda doesn't actually fuck other dudes, right? She straight-up said she's teasing around like that just to piss him off and make him jealous. Right? Sooooooo WTF. Okay, but it's also made clear that Glenn/Johnny is a fucking idiot dick and completely believed Gilda was a huge slut having gangbangs erry day on the reg. RIGHT, FINE. My thing is: so? My thing is always: so????? SO?!!? SO WHAT IF GILDA SUPPOSEDLY FUCKED SOME OTHER DUDE? Gilda is hot as fuck who cares?! Can't you just slap her or whatever and get over it?? Johnny left her, and then has the audacity to be pissed at Gilda?? To be mad she married some other dude? NO I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND. He is so wayyyy over the fucking top with his anger, it's hella embarrassing. And what kills me about this movie is that they don't even make it explicit what actually happened between them. It was probably something far more innocuous than infidelity or secret abortions. Like Gilda batted her eyelashes at a fucking busboy or some shit. The male entitlement in this mess is OUT OF CONTROL. 

lol, um, so anyway, in the quote above. Sigh. Gilda quotes that shit Ballin said earlier, but I'll get to that later. Let's just address how Johnny legit meant "I don't think you have any idea how much". Gilda, in my opinion, doesn't hate Johnny at all. She very clearly loves him. Johnny H A T E S Gilda. That shit fucking fuels him, and I see no love featuring nicki minaj. I see nothing but a cold, black darkness. But in like a Canadian way. Like Johnny's heart is an Atom Egoyan film, I guess. .......

-----

Obregon: You two kids love each other pretty terribly, don't you? 

Johnny Farrell: I hate her! 

Obregon: That's what I mean. It's the most curious love-hate pattern I've ever had the privilege of witnessing.

Who the hell was Obregon lol. Wait let me go look ugh. Oh, that random cop stalking the casino or whatever siiigh. Look at that dialogue up there: "You two kids much love Romeo & Jack Dawson blah blah" and then here come Johnny screaming "I HATE HER!!" and then here come Obregon talkin' bout some "Yeah haha das wut i meeeen, fam!! LOOVVEEEE!!!!" HELL NO!! HELL. NO. Wtf u mean?!?! Yeah it's a curious fucking love-hate pattern, alright. WHAT THE FUCK IS A LOVE-HATE PATTERN?? This movie is dumb and these people--EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE. Well, at least definitely Johnny. Who's supposed to be, like, the romantic lead, right? WOW HE SUCKS. 

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Gilda: Would it interest you to know how much I hate you, Johnny? 

Johnny Farrell: Very much. 

Gilda: I hate you so much that I would destroy myself to take you down with me.

Okay. And here we go again with this OMG I HATE U BRUH and then Johnny clapping back with lol okay and then Gilda being extra like OMG I'LL DESTROY U WITH MY HATE THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. What I hate, is how hard this movie was trying to make Gilda seem like she's even remotely on the same level as Johnny in terms of being a garbage person. Like she literally just says bullshit like this because he be sayin' all kinds of crazy shit to her, being rude as fuck, disrespectful as fuck. Like in this scene he walks in on Gilda playing the guitar and singing that mame song and it's just a lovely, lowkey chill ass scene and Johnny stomps in being extra as hell like WTF R U DOING HERE?@?? and accusing Gilda of being the whore of all whores or whatever and then being smug and implying the only reason she was there was for him and ugh like can he die?? thnx

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Ballin Mundson: Gilda, are you decent? 

Gilda: Me? 

[long pause]

Gilda: Sure. I'm decent.

I love this scene. It's when we're first introduced to Gilda and the movie finally gets poppin'. And she's doing all this 

Like whipping her head up and shit and being all like

And it's just the besssssst. I love that we walk in on her getting fucking dressed and I love how specific the word "decent" is, and how it's applied here and to this movie even though it's used in a majorly sexist way lol but I still love it. 

Also can we talk about how Ballin's name is Ballin?? In the movie it sounds like Ballon. But imdb is telling me it's Ballin. Like...ballin'??? He is, decidedly, not ballin', but okay. Also...wtf kind of name is Ballin? Where is he from?? Eurasia, I guess. Transylvania, more specifically, and most fucking likely. 

I mean, look at this creepy nigga. No, not my Canadian teddy bear princess.

This^ creepy undead lookin' ass nigga. This was the best photo I could find of Ballin that perfectly captured his essence lol. Of course, I could find 0 pics of him wearing that fucking actual cape. SIIIIGH.

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Gilda: If you're worried about Johnny Farrell, don't be. I hate him! 

Ballin Mundson: And he hates you. That's very apparent. But hate can be a very exciting emotion. Very exciting. Haven't you noticed that? 

Gilda: You make it s... 

Ballin Mundson: There is a heat in it, that one can feel. Didn't you feel it tonight? 

Gilda: No. 

Ballin Mundson: I did. It warmed me. Hate is the only thing that has ever warmed me.

So many...things.

1. Gilda proclaiming she hates Johnny...blah. Like, no girl. You're lying to yourself and you're not even really selling it that well. Really at all, but okaaaaay. 

2. Why does Gilda seem surprised or something when Ballin points out that...hate and love are sort of on the same emotional wavelength?? Especially since she clearly loves Johnny and is only saying she hates him because she's angry with him or?!?!? Just like her face in that moment when Ballin says that is so fucking confusing to me but okay, movie. 

3. Did Ballin know the whole time Gilda and Johnny had a history? Or did he not pick up on that until he introduced Johnny to Gilda earlier?? I feel like he knew, because he's a freak, so of course he did. Of course he went out to seek the girl he could see Johnny had on his mind when they first met, and then fucking married the bitch. Ballin is fucking insane, and also in love with Johnny and

4. HE'S IN LOVE WITH JOHNNY HARDCORE AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME DIFFERENTLY. This movie is gay as fuck and anyone who is on Team Gilda is Gay as Fuck is not even remotely a little bit reaching. It's 100% some fucked up love story about Ballin and Johnny. But you couldn't make straight-up gay romances back then obviously so it's shrouded in all this extra mess; tungsten and Argentinian gambling rules and shit. And Gilda is nothing but a double-sided dildo for these two loons to use to buttfuck each other that doesn't actually implicate their own penises in having done any actual gay shit??? YES EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN IS CLEAR AND WELL THOUGHT OUT AND ONE THOUSAND PERCENT SPOT-ON.

5. "Hate is the only thing that has ever warmed me". Seriously this dude is a straight-up cold one. This is a gay vampire romance and nothing else. 

-----

Gilda: Got a light? 

Uncle Pio: Yes, Mrs. Mundson. It is so crowded and yet so lonely, isn't it? 

Gilda: How did you know? 

Uncle Pio: You smoke too much. I've noticed. Only frustrated people smoke too much and only lonely people are frustrated.

I liked Uncle Pio, but this was sort of rude? Like who walks up to someone like "Wow you're lonely as fuck lol" ?? And then he just drops this line and sort of dips?? What is Gilda supposed to do with someone being like "lol ur frustrated"?? Maybe it's supposed to be a piece of wisdom and she's supposed to advance to the next level of self-awareness?? Idk, but I do sort of wonder what exactly smoking "too much" even means? Like how many cigs do you have to smoke for it to be too much?? More than zero is my guess? #antismokingblog, chyeah. 

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Johnny Farrell: I want to go with you, Gilda. Please take me. I know I did everything wrong... 

Gilda: [sobbing] Isn't it wonderful? Nobody has to apologize, because we were both stinkers, weren't we? Isn't it wonderful? 

Johnny Farrell: Wonderful.

This pissed me off so much. AFTER ALL THIS SHIT HE DID! HOW DARE HE HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO COME WAGGING BACK TO THIS BITCH WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS TALKING ABOUT SOME "I KNOW I DID EVERYTHING WRONG"--like...you've to be fucking kidding me because it's not even an official apology. It's like..."hmm I could've punished you in a different way for being a cunt - I admit my way was sort of ott..." NO. AND THEN GILDA TALKING ABOUT HOW NOBODY HAS TO APOLOGIZE AND THEY WERE BOTH STINKERS?!?! JOHNNY WAS FUCKING ABUSIVE AND HE BETTER DROP TO HIS FUCKING KNEES RIGHT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE AND START KISSING EVERY PUBIC HAIR IN YOUR BUSH, BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN NOBODY HAS TO APOLOGIZE?! AND HOW DARE YOU MINIMIZE ALL THE SHIT YOU DID BY LABELING IT AS "STINKER" BEHAVIOR?!?! OH MY GODDDDDDD

AND THEN JOHNNY BEING LIKE "WONDERFUL". FUCKING KILL ME PLEASE!!!1 END MY MISERYPLEAE!! FUKCK!!

-----

Johnny Farrell: I hated her so I couldn't get her out of my mind for a minute.

s i gh

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Gilda: [to Johnny] You haven't been around lately. I thought maybe you were an amnesia victim or something.

Ha, good one, Gilda. lol Also the way she said this...it's weirdly worded, right? "Amnesia victim" sounds weird. Also this screenplay is weirdly proper or full of expository or something, but also sort of bad because "hate" is literally used 12 million times, no exaggeration. You couldn't have used a thesaurus or some shit to look up synonyms, fam?? Right off the top of my dome I can think of: "despise" "not like" "feelin ehish about" ":/" "I guess" "mas o menos *then do that hand thing when you say mas o menos*" "not realllllly" "whatever" "she's taller than me" "i'm gay", etc etc. Come on do better

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Gilda: I can never get a zipper to close. Maybe that stands for something, what do you think?

...You're not double-jointed??

-----

Johnny Farrell: I thought we agreed that women and gambling didn't mix. 

Ballin Mundson: My wife does not come under the category of women, Johnny.

So...I think I read some theory about this movie once that...Gilda was meant to represent a transexual?? There...I'll agree that maybe people are reaching. But you don't have to reach that hard to apply the theory to the movie, tbh. It sort of fits. But when Ballin says that Gilda doesn't come under the category of women, I take it as him throwing shade to all other women. She's not like them. She's superior, in some way. I guess...she's totally cool being a beard and keeping quiet and not asking too many questions?? But...there are plenty of bitches out here like Gilda...so I don't really know what he's talking about lol. The transexual theory holds!  

-----

Gilda: I've got some news for you, Johnny. I'm going to do exactly what I please, when I please. I was true to one man once, hmmm 

[looking despiseful at Johnny]

Gilda: and look what happened.

Is despiseful a word? Is it, screenwriter??? Hmmm? [looking despiseful at whoever wrote the movie] and look what happened. 

I'm feelin' pretty despiseful that what Gilda says here implies it was Johnny that fucked up, not Gilda. WHAT HAPPENED "THAT NIGHT"?? I don't want to fucking speculate! Why can't this piece of shit movie just spill the tea! Wow the hollywood code was fucking bullshit. DID GILDA CATCH JOHNNY WITH A DICK UP HIS ASS, OR NAH??1!!?

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[last lines]

Gilda: Johnny, let's go. Let's go home.

Why is this sigh in the sigh quotsighe sesighction?? And what is home, exactly? America? lol I hate these movies where Americans are fucking up all over the place in some foreign country and then at the end it's like lol time to go!! It's like going to a party at someone's house and spilling soda on the floor and making no effort to clean it up because why would I worry about ants and stains and shit at somebody else's house?? Also I lied I've never been to any parties. 

-----

Johnny Farrell: Doesn't it bother you at all that you're married? 

Gilda: What I want to know is, does it bother you?

....I want to stop doing this. *sad frog meme* *or like any pic of Zayn's face before he broke up with his pumpkin spice latte drinking boyfriends; before he finally became free; a bird; a fucking goddamn phoenix* 

-----

Johnny Farrell: Statistics show that there are more women in the world than anything else. Except insects.

IS THAT SO??? WHAT STATISTICS WHERE??!? SHOW ME THE FUCKING RECEIPTS, BITCH! POINT TO WHERE ON GOOGLE IT SAYS THIS??? Ugh I hate how cute Johnny thinks he is. Like don't even lie and act like you read books and shit with ur nose so far up Ballin's fucking ass all the time. HOW DO YOU EVEN SEE THE PAGES?!? So, just stop it. Just stop it. That should be a sneaker brand's slogan. I guess sneaks for like paraplegics or whatever. They need footwear, too, b. What am i doing

-----

Ballin Mundson: [referring to his knife cane] It is a most faithful and obedient friend: it is silent when I want it to be silent, but talks when I want to talk. 

Johnny Farrell: Is it that your idea of a friend? 

Ballin Mundson: That is my idea of a friend. 

Johnny Farrell: You must lead a gay life.

YO. 

1. REFERRING TO HIS KNIFE CANE. I hate Ballin so fucking much. WHO HAS A KNIFE CANE?! LIKE WHO DO U THINK U ARE?!? omg and then him launching into some creepy mini-monologue about obedience and shit. And then Johnny cum fucking lately is all IS THAT UR DURR IDEA OF DDURR FRIEND. LIKE, redflag.com, boy. YES THAT IS HOW I SEE PEOPLE, Ballin responds, AS FUCKING OBJECTS I CONTROL. And Johnny is like uh doh LOL ALRIGHTY!!! No, actually he says "you must lead a gay life" wow, just wow. This movie isn't subtle at all in any fucking way. Also I'm uncomfortable that obviously gay ass Ballin is playing the "villain". Like his homosexual desires somehow explain why he's a fucking monster walking around with a fucking butter knife poking out the end of his walking stick?? Like Ballin is gay and that's why he wears like a velvet robe over a full fucking suit while lounging around the house? If a gay(s) wrote this movie, they have really terrible opinions of their people. Or maybe they had to make Ballin the way he is, a villain-type, or whoever was in charge wouldn't let them sneak in their obvious rainbow references??? Idk, this movie is a mess. 

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Johnny Farrell: [narrating off screen] She still didn't believe I wasn't coming back. Every night she got all dressed up... and waited. But a girl like Gilda couldn't stand not knowing the why of things, so she decided to swallow her pride and came to see me. It was wonderful.

When Johnny just abandoned Gilda at their new home or wherever, that's when I was officially fucking done with him. How the hell is he punishing this bitch for...I don't even know what! Not properly grieving Ballin's "death"?? WHAT?! YOU KNEW THIS BITCH DIDN'T LOVE THAT NIGGA SHE LOVES U AND NOW U TWO ARE TOGETHER WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU DOING?!?! This is why I can't get into their ~love story~, because Johnny just straight-up does not love this bitch. Like even if his gaymance with Ballin is a complete fabrication in my mind, I still can't ship him and Gilda. He treats her horribly and has no respect for her at all whatsoever, and is constantly looking out for Ballin rather than her, the supposed love of his life or whatever. Like, their supposed "romance" makes me fucking uncomfortable. It's hella toxic. I mean...him bringing her to their new home and there's that portrait of Ballin............. Is...is Johnny insane?? Who...does that??? I just...I'm tired.  

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Ballin Mundson: Look your best, my beautiful. This will be the casino's first glimpse of you. 

[He kisses her]

Gilda: I'll look my very best, Ballin. 

[Looks at Johnny]

Gilda: I want all the hired help to approve of me. Glad to have met you, Mr. Farrell. 

Ballin Mundson: His name is Johnny, Gilda. 

Gilda: Oh, I'm sorry. Johnny is such a hard name to remember and so easy to forget. 

[In a breathy voice]

Gilda: Johnny. There. See you later, Mr. Farrell.

SHOTS FUCKING FIRED FROM EVERY DIRECTION, BITCH! 

-"I WANT ALL THE HIRED HELP TO APPROVE OF ME" PEW PEW BANG BANG

-"JOHNNY IS SUCH A HARD NAME TO REMEMBER AND SO EASY TO FORGET" BANG BANG BANGBANGBANGNNNG

-HER DOING ALL THAT EXTRA SHIT ~TRYING TO LOCK HIS NAME IN HER BRAIN~~~ AND THEN SHE CALLS HIM MR FARRELL ANYWAY PEW PEW BANGBANG RIFLES GOING OFF ONE BY ONE AT A MARINE'S FUNERAL SOUNDS 

-FATALITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

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Gilda: If I'd been a ranch, they would've named me "The Bar Nothing".

I have no idea what this means. But it seems like it's supposed to be an iconic line. Should I google it? No, this seems like more of a Bing situation. loljk i'm not using that shit. I'm just going to continue being ignorant to what the bar nothing is referring to. Maybe...ranches are always named The Bar Something?? lol i don't care

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Gilda: I danced in America. 

Capt. Delgado: This is not America? 

Gilda: I mean New York.

At this point I wish I were dead. Why did I decide to do this?? I mean...I didn't have to write about every quote imdb had, but...idk. It seemed like a good idea at the time? Doesn't it always? Doesn't what always? Help me

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Gilda: They said that being married to Johnny Farrell was very like driving a car with no brakes.

Yeah. 

-----

Johnny Farrell: You're a lucky man. 

Ballin Mundson: I make my own luck.

translation: I do crime. 

-----

Johnny Farrell: Pardon me, but your husband is showing.

Heh.

------

Gilda: You're cock-eyed, Johnny! All cock-eyed!

Cock-eyed? WOW SO SUBTLE HOMOQUEER SCREENWRITERS. Is that how Gilda truthers such as myself come across? Wow, probably. No regrets. 

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Ballin Mundson: Quite a surprise to hear a woman sing in my house, eh Johnny?

I'm just going to take this oppurtunity to say I loved Rita's performances, though I'm not sure if it was her singing or dubbed. But even if it wasn't her voice she still served me it performance-wise and here's a pic of one of her performance outfits and when will this fucking end god please!!

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Ballin Mundson: [toasts] "Disaster to the wench who did wrong by our Johnny"

SIIIIGH. So Ballin knew the whole time, right? And I'm just a dummy for not seeing it right away? Ugh I love how I think I'm so cute and smart figuring out ~hidden~ things about the movie but I couldn't even see he obviously knew they knew each other previously AND I'VE SEEN THIS SHIT THREE FUCKING TIMES. Whatever, I can't even...care about that right now I just really want to be dead WHEN WILL THESE FUCKING QUOTES END JESUS LIKE WHY AM I SWEATING

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[first lines]

Johnny Farrell: To me a dollar was a dollar in any language. It was my first night in the Argentine and I didn't know much about the local citizens, but I knew about American sailors, and I knew I better get out of there.

lol I remember these lines. Specifically because I think they open on Glenn Ford playing like craps or some shit. It's always amusing to me anytime I see Glenn Ford in a movie where he plays like a scoundrel or lowlife. I accept him more as a simpleton or a nice-guy type, I guess?? Which is weird because I don't feel like he was actually typecast like that, so...why?? I think it's his face. Like him being a dick in this movie is mostly funny to me, he looks like he should be the daddy on Leave It to Beaver or some shit. Don't get me wrong, I love Glenn Ford, but for mostly incorrect reasons. For reasons such as him making me laugh in this movie during inappropriate moments, such as all moments in the movie?? 

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Ballin Mundson: It amuses me to feed you beautiful things, because you eat with such a good appetite.

...This movie is so awkward lol. And Ballin, especially. God he is such a creep. 

OKAY! THAT WAS THE LAST QUOTE FINALLY SHIT!!

I'm gonna end this post with the pic that should've been used for the movie poster lesbihonest

Like, come on. THIS IS EXPLICITLY HOMOFUCKINGSEXUAL. 

Also, smoking kills. Like, you know it causes lung cancer, right? Are you dumb? Like, doesn't it say it on the package or????

The Boring Life of Jacqueline (2012)

I'm so annoyed this isn't a legitimate television show. HBO will give me Girls, but not ten thirty-minute episodes of The Boring Life of Jacqueline? For why??? Hmm, prob because...it's already pretty horrible watching Jacqueline suffer through her life for like twelve minutes per episode, what the fuck would that be like vamped up to 26 minutes or whatever??? Mmmm the same!! Just more of the same!! So give me it what the fuck/1!!

I wonder what compelled me to watch this??? Like why did I wa--How did I even end up in the digital shorts section of HBO? I hate shorts. Like I won't even watch short films that seem to have good concepts because the first concept of it being a short film automatically cancels out any cool/good ideas they might have for me. Like I'm just not into it. And then to do...like a short television show?? Hmm what am I talking about don't I watch digital short TV shows on Youtube all the time like what the fuck did I think Awkward Black Girl was ugh come on, me. siiiigh. ...I still don't understand why I watched The Boring Life of Jacqueline, though. Maybe I was just really bored one day and browsing--oh, looking at OnDemand now I see I probably clicked on the HBO Specials section looking for shitty stand-up, and for some reason clicked on HBO Digitals, probably wondering what the fuck that meant. And then I read the description, which is like: "out of work actress blah blah blah" and I guess I was instantly hooked by "out of work actress"--NO, LIKE I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND HOW I CAME TO EVEN KNOW THIS SHOW EXISTED. So ugh I guess now I do! Yay you figured it out now you can finally die!!

Anyway I really love this...digital short show thing. And I really wished it was like a whole thing...I don't know why I can't just accept it as is, with the like ten 12 minuteish episodes - I just want more!! I love it, it's hilarious. It's also probably the most cringe-worthy thing I've ever seen?? I love cringey shit, especially cringe comedy, but there's something about this that's almost too much. And I think before watching this I thought I was "immune" (ugh) to like...cringey elements in things. Like when I illegally watch Peep Show on Youtube and I read in the comments people saying they have to turn away from the screen all the time: it just completely baffles me, and also I feel really superior because I never feel uncomfortable watching Peep Show because I relate so much, but then I stop feeling superior because why do I feel proud that I relate to anything Mark and Jez have going on??? Like I 100% understand everything Mark says/does and that's a fucking problem, yeah?? And also I've started relating to Jez?? Which is the worse one to be like??? Both?? All of it everything???? 

But there's something especially...not self-aware about Jacqueline that makes it really...just hard to watch lol. Hard to watch in a good way, I think. The actress who plays her, Jaclyn Jonet, is really going all in. There's this like manic, mouth breathy sort of thing she's doing all the time I think?? With this really hype brace-face nerd from band camp thing mixed in??? I don't know, but she nails whatever it is that makes me shudder every time Jacqueline does or says literally anything. Just the first episode where she's tweeting like "I love Fiber One!!!!!!!!" or whatever ugh and then she's eating it and it's...just the worse chewing. I can't tell if it was intentional bad chewing or if I was just projecting my disgust with people's masticating habits. Yes, bitch, masticating. We outcheah! And then like later with the Cocoa Puffs all over the bathroom floor...

So anyway ugh I'm just going to do bullet points of stuff I loved about this not really a show and hopefully this post will be over soon and I can go back on Tumblr and find out if Zayn dropped his solo R&B effort yet. I mean!!! 

-Gaby Hoffmann. 

Like, yes. I think she's in some other Sebastián Silva shit that I really need to see. She's at least in that Crystal Fairy one that I forgot to watch before my free Netflix membership expired siiiiigh. Like instead I watched shit like Snowpiercer and Trespass and...I gotta say: I really regret it!!! Such is life! lol, anyway, Gaby is here and she is my queen, for real. Like she's hella unabashed and that's my fave quality in actors. Not people, mind you. I look for the opposite of that shit in people I know in real life and also I don't have any friends lol, but I definitely lovelovelove that quality in acting and she's full of not being bashful ugggggggggggggggggggh. 

Anyhawaiianpunch! Gaby is here being the best, by being the worst. What's great about Gaby is that she is such a massive bitch in this and she's my favorite and I don't feel bad for anyone she mistreats lol. Not even Abraham when she's being like "yeah, I like salad" with the utmost fucking contempt FOR NO FUCKING REASON lol. And I like Abraham lol, but when she's like in French "I don't give a shit about the weather" when he's just trying to make conversation, make things less awkward and lighter: I love it! Like, why are you like this??? How did you get like this who raised you?? CAN SOMEONE GIVE THIS BITCH HER OWN TV SHOW??? lol oh wait she's on Transparent--NO, I SAID HER OWN. HELLO, HOLLYWOOD DUMMIES. They better hurry up before white people become officially over in like 2017, for real. Get on this Gaby Hoffmann TV show right motherfucking now. Because once the minorities take over and she's out here getting her own shit too late, I'm not gonna be able to rock with it. Like, I'll have to watch The Gaby Hoffmann TV show in secret - there's no way I'm going to be gushing about it, sorry, it's just--I can't. Okay? So hurry up!! 

-When Jacqueline said like "susci" and Gaby was like "Sushi". 

How many times did I rewind that tho????????????????????

-Jacqueline's painting of that shitty camera phone pic she took of her and Abraham. 

I love how the show paints Jacqueline as one of those white girls who's like really obliviously racist. And then we find out she's originally from fucking Massachusetts and it becomes even more perfect. Like everyone is racist from there, right?? Is it massachusettsist of me to be saying that? No, I'm spittin' the truth!! Jacqueline is probably from Boston, the only place I know from there. Real quick I just forgot the word "city" - I'm like: what's...what are the things inside the state???? But I remembered! Moving on! 

I couldn't. fucking. wait. to see. Jacqueline's painting. of Abraham. before they show.ed.it. Because I just knew! USING ALL THAT BLACK PAINT WHEN SHE STARTED DOING HIS FACE OMG. God, that shit was beautiful. AND OMG WHEN SHE GAVE IT TO HIM OMFG AND HE JUST PUT IT DOWN. HE JUST IMMEDIATELY DISMISSED IT OMG I WOULD IMMEDIATELY DISMISS MY LIFE. Or at least...learn some lessons?? About myself maybe??? I guess Jacqueline learned to never paint again???? But, like, that wasn't...the most important lesson to be learning here or?!??!?! God, that shit really killed me it was perfect. 

-This should have been part of me talking about Gaby earlier...but when she was doing her "audition" and being really negative and aggressive and talking about how she hates kids and that guy was like "lol alright relax"

JUST ALL OF THAT, THANX. god she is flawless i don't understand why people sleep on her...or maybe they don't?? Like she works regularly, right??? SHE SHOULD BE A STAR DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!

-Jacqueline googling "easy suicide techniques"

gpoy. Because, like, if I was going to kill myself, which I won't because I'm petty as shit, that would be what I would google. Incognito mode, of course. "Is there a way to kill yourself with a pillow that isn't suffocating??" "What if I drank a lot of apple juice that's got a really old expiration date??" "How many almonds to get cyanide poisoning?" "Do the ones with like butter and sugar on them count??" "Softer almonds" "How to make almonds be less hard" "That's what she said" "How did Steve Carell get so hot?" 

-Jacqueline coughing in the bath house.

What was she trying to do lol? She's so fucking extra; wearing that bathing suit, stalking fake Uma Thurman, not getting the fucking clue with Abraham (though I have no idea what the clue was, he was hard to read, which is maybe racist???); and then what was she trying to do with the shower thing? Impress Abraham??? lol, 100% she failed. Or maybe she impressed him with how...guttural her coughing...could be??? Idk, but I laughed very long and very hard at that shit. He's like "are you okay?" the way people have asked me if I was okay when I've embarrassed myself horribly in the past, which has been many a time :') At least they asked me if I was okay, instead of the way worse snickering thing that usually happens. Or just outright full-blown cackling???? And can we talk about the coughing in this show?? lol what...why is there so much coughing?? Actually, there's probably only like three coughing moments: Jacqueline's mom on the phone, Jacqueline on the couch with Gaby and Gaby is like "stop that's disgusting", and then the masterpiece of Jacqueline's cough attack in the steam room. Coughing should become a trope in things. It's really funny to me. 

-The little horrible details...of like every day living stuff??

Jacqueline's shitty tweets; her train of thought, which was all over the place and reminded me of how I think sometimes, which was horrifying; when she was doing her makeup and Regina Spektor started skipping on her boombox and just everything was going wrong; Jacqueline eating all that food with like  reading material about diets everywhere; stains and shit all over the place; her computer shutting down at the coffee shop; her ipod breaking; fantasizing about breastfeeding Michael Cera, etc etc. I just felt like this show was really detailed and got so many mundane real-life things right? At least for me?? I should hesitate to acknowledge that, maybe? YES, FOR SURE!!

Alright, I'm done with this shit.

BRING BACK THE LIFE & TIMES OF TIM, HBO, THANX!! fucking idiots

Bully (2001)

So Bobby Kent shouldn't be the most likable person in the movie. Well, at least until Leo Fitzpatrick shows up and totally steals the show. But, excuse me, like I said, the eponymous "Bully" should not be the one the audience is semi-siding with. Like, I shouldn't be thinking things like "Well, if Brad Renfro wasn't so dumb and snivelly...maybe Bobby wouldn't have to...beat him??" right??? Like I shouldn't be laughing and agreeing when Bobby shouts at Rachel Miner/Lisa that she has an annoying ass voice lol. 

Or, idk, maybe this movie doesn't have some express purpose like that. Like I highly doubt Larry fucking Clark cares about likability in his characters, and certainly he doesn't care if I accidentally end up not completely hating Bobby Kent. I mean he's absolute 100% trash, but wow Marty IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING. LIKE I JUST REALLY UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM ALL THE TIME THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING. 

I MEAN LOOK AT THIS IDIOT. HE IS SO FUCKING IRRITATING OMG. And just so endlessly, tirelessly not-smart. Like some of the characters refer to Michael Pitt as a retard, but the true mental defective is Marty. He's like the king of idiots. Like all you need is that one scene where he's rapping to the Eminem video on TV. He's how I imagine literally all white fans of Eminem are, and especially the ones who live in fucking Florida. "THEY ALWAYS CUT OUT THE BEST PARTS MAN I HATE THAT SHIT." You're a loser, Marty. Get your priorities in order. Ask for more hours at the sub shop, get your hairline together, put a fucking shirt on - these are just a handful of urgent things that are demanding your attention at present, not fucking censored Eminem music videos that look really cheesy now and probably were just as terrible when they first came out?? God this movie is hard to watch just for the super-crass, embarrassing ass early-aughts aesthetics. Ugh I am so dead ass fucking serious writing "early-aughts aesthetics" I can't fucking believe it omg. But seriously the fucking flipped up frosted tips on the gay tweenks Larry has dancing all over this movie and like everything

Bijou Phillips is wearing/doing. And omg she completely pulls it off but I...I just don't think that's a good thing, you know????? 

So sigh this movie is based on true events, I think. Like I've done negative zero research, I just took the end credit updates

as fact that this movie is for real. Also it's set in Florida, right? So if this particular story isn't true, I'm sure something exactly 100% similar happened in that fucking state, just with different people/names. Or, maybe even the same names. There are probably so many white trashers named Bobby and Marty having these exact same homoerotic frenemyships. Beating the shit out of each other and whoopsie my dick slipped inside you during our tussle I guess you can forget your Metamucil this morning lol. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 

Bobby and Marty have been besties since 4ever, and they work at a sandwich shop together and it's just the best bromance. Except Bobby is a meanie and like always hitting Marty and, idk, pal...prostituting him or whatever??? Like renting his booty hole out for tricks or whatever?..?.?. Lisa asks Marty several times I think why he allows Bobby to treat him the way he does and I had the same fucking question. I understand it's difficult to flee from abusive relationships...but...I mean, couldn't...Marty maybe just not return this dude's calls?? Or??? Actually I think maybe he said he tried to quit Bobby once but...he wouldn't let him?? Sigh I just...like if this was a woman talking about why she can't escape her abuser I'd be all sympathetic and shit. No, even if it was a man, like even if it was literally anyone else besides Brad Renfro omg he is just...so....ugh lol. Like oh you're a surfer ugh please fucking KILL ME!! Omg and when he throws that little temper tantrum at family brunch or whatever, screaming that he wants to move or SIGH CAN THEY AT LEAST BUY HIM A CAR?? God he is just...lol i hate him so fucking much :')

So anyway Marty deci--actually, it's crazy ass Lisa, right? Who decides their only way to handle Bobby is to kill him?? 

1. What's wrong with these kids? Now, they are definitely all incredibly, magnificently unintelligent. That's presented as fact to us. But there's something else going on, right? Something darker?? Or is this just how Florida-living tsunamis your soul??? Fine. These kids are the way they are because dumb, and Florida. Also in the movie...Larry sort of shows how uninvolved their parents are. Like Bijou is out here suctioning her pussy lips on any surface she can find, while her parents are chillin' back @ home taking care of her kid??? Whoo. Now there's someone who needs "disciplinary action" placed upon them. Am I suggesting Bobby do the job? NOOOO!! Anyway, he's dead, so. 

2. Since when do people just decide: "lol okay murder!"???????? Like, who is out here just deciding murder is the answer?.....?? I mean, I guess these idiots??? But you can tell only Lisa and maybe Marty are really legitimately serious about it, while the other kids are sort of just followers, going along for the ride, and just being really ignorant to how serious it is to take a human life? Or something haha!

Like. And who would help out their friend if they just came up like, "yo i want to kill this dude I don't like"? NOT FUCKING ME. NOT. FUCKING. ME. But I see what Lisa tried to do, luring Ali over to Bobby's house so he'd rape her and she'd have a reason to kill him; to want to help. And then I guess we get Michael Pitt and Kelli Garner to tag along because they're friends of Ali, and also very very dumb. Dumber than Marty, perhaps, but I don't want to really say that because at least they are mildly not as annoying as him and somehow that makes them seem smarter??? Also Michael Pitt had some funny moments, so. So what? Idk. But anyway! I guess! I can see!! How!! They got this crew together. Lisa comes up with the idea, convinces Marty, then they get Ali raped, so now she's out for revenge I guess if they implant it in her pea brain well enough, and she gets the tweedledummies to help because they're tweedledummies and I'm not even sure she actually had to convice either of those druggies. But how did Lisa convince her cousin? I guess he's the only one who doesn't make sense?? He's also one of the first ones to snitch after they commit the crime so good job vetting the kill squad.  

3. But...Lisa tells, too.....?.? To that bitch who works at Pizza Hut. 

Secretly the true star of this film. Like, Nick Stahl, Leo Fitzpatrick, Michael Pitt, Bijou Phillips and Daniel Franzese all have their moments, but it was really Nathalie Paulding's movie, playing the role of Claudia, bitch who works at Pizza Hut. Just her complete, lowkey disdain of all things Lisa really filled my heart with synthetic joy fibers. 

But lol anyway Lisa tells, too!!

And her eyebrow *shudders* is like that^. God Rachel Miner's eyebrows. Do they not totally encapsulate the early-aughts aesthetic? Or protracted late-nineties aesthetic?? When am I gonna kill myself tho????

4.  Hey

Why did Bobby spit on that mirror...and then, like, not clean it off?? That really grinded my gears, so I was pretty happy when he was stabbed a bunch. Don't leave shit on mirrors. It's gross. Who  do  u  think  u  r

5. Glenn from Nashville without his hair hat shout-out

6. Yo, what was I doing with this numbering...

7. or my life?