Shameless S4 E1

Shameless is baaaaaaaaaaaack!

So much to talk about. Maybe, we'll see. I'll do a character breakdown.

Fiona: So, she's with her boss. I'll call him White cuz he's Caucasian as heck. DOESSSSS Fiona actually like this man? Or, is she sort of...just trying to get as far away from a Jimmy-type as possible? She seems almost detached from this whole thing. But, then after they had sex at his house she looked around and smiled when I thought she'd do a faraway "I'm thinking about Jimmy" look. Maybe...she was just souped to be in his upper middle class digs? Idk. I'll wait to see more of this before I start jumping to negative conclusions. But I am not here for this new beau. I was always Team Jimmy I don't care what his real fucking name is or what he did, I loved him you can definitely suck my penis. Actually, I'm secretly always Team Fiona and Lip 4ever. But probably they will never happen. This isn't The fucking Borgias. Sadly. (Only a little bit sadly because The Borgias was a fucking mess). 

Okay, let me jump over to Debbie real quick because they were definitely paralleling her with Fiona a couple of times in the episode with the morning beauty routine and then later with the texting of their beaus. So, Debbie thinks she's grown. This is a mostly accurate representation of THIRTEEN. Not for all thirteen year old girls, as I have unfortunately not had the pleasure to meet all of them, but definitely a huge chunk. She's become a ~sexual person~ and stuff. When I see stuff like this I try really hard to remember when I was thirteen. I was forever talking about blow jobs, though I'd die if I actually had to do one. To see Debbie flirting with this dude who has a car I'm just like GOD, NO, SHE'S A BABY. She's not really, but it's hard to watch. I'm really afraid they're going to have her losing her virginity this season and it's going to be a heartbreaking mess. But we'll see. Uggggggggh

Carl: It's weird how Debbie and Carl are only like a year apart. It totally illustrates that girls mature faster than boys narrative. I could never imagine Carl chattin' up some older girl in her car. Tho, I couldn't imagine Debbie doing it either BUT THERE IT HORRIBLY WAS. Anyway, Carl depresses me the most maybe. His attachment to Frank is...just...I can't. I get that Frank is his DAD. Like, it's the only one Carl has. But I really wish Carl could recognize that being a sperm donor does not make someone a father. Fiona is his dad. Let Frank go, ugh. I don't want that piece of garbage to bring him further down the humanity pole than he already is. Like, all Frank has to do is ask Carl to stick his finger up his ass to relieve a turd ball ONCE and that's it - Carl's a serial killer. The transformation is complete. Last season had me BAWLING when he shaved Frank's head in the hosptial, and it makes me feel bad for thinking Carl is a dumb ass for still loving Frank when everyone else has given up on him. I get that ~human relationships~ aren't as simple as that. (I get it because I read it on a blog somewhere. I don't know anything personally about human relationships myself). BUT FRANK DOESN'T CARE ABOUT CARL. WHY CAN'T CARL SEE?! HE ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF!! (I definitely have personal experience/knowledge of narcissism. I read it on my face when looking in the mirror HAHAHahhuggh)

Kev & V: OH BOY. Everything V said to Fiona after she found out she was pregnant. I really hope she wasn't serious about having her mom get an abortion CUZ THAT AINT GOING DOWN HOW YOU THINK IT IS, SWEETCHEEKS. I still can't get over those eps with Kev fucking her mom. Don't tell me you went through all that disturbing shit just to throw that baby away because you're getting a clean one you acquired through less horrifying means. DON'T TELL ME THAT. (Just to be clear, I am pro-baby killing. Just not in this context. Give me all the mixed race babies! "Stop" - my brain to all my organs just now lol) Oh, also, what's going to happen with the owner of the bar who died? Is this going to get in the way of Kev's money? Because I was wondering why that was in any way significant. 

LIP: So Good Will Hunting is at college. I wonder how long that'll last. I do like him being the outcast at school and I think they should keep him there just because Lip @ College is rife with material. I loved the scene with the flashmob and him walking through it BECAUSE FUCK FLASH MOBS THAT SHIT IS GROSS. But I get that scene was meant to illustrate his ~aloneness~. Like, the only time we see him communicating in a friendly way is with his Hispanic dishwashing coworker. That was super pointed. Lip is my favesies so I hope him being at school doesn't mean less screentime. His trajectory is probably the best/most interesting one, so I hope it never lags or is diluted for other people to do more.  Like...for instance, Sheila?! 

Sheila: No idea. I like Sheila, so I'm not complaining, but her still being around miiiiiiight be stretching it. To be honest, it was probably always stretching it. But I love her stuff so hopefully they give her some significant shit to do this season NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHER PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT MORE, THO. 

Who else? 

Mickey. Fucking Mickey. I wonder...if they're giving more spotlight to the Milkovich's. They're probably about to get into some crazy prostitution storyline, right? I think...I am interested in the Milkovich's. I hate all of them, but two of them (Mickey and Mandy) are connected to two Gallaghers I love...so...I want to understand them. I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND MICKEY KICKING IAN IN HIS FUCKING FACE THO YOU WENT TOO FAR SHAMELESS. Mickey makes me so sad with his closeted bullshit. But seeing how his dad reacted when he found him and Ian fucking...I need to at least a little bit understand. But it's so hard! Speaking of hard, did he seriously leave Ian's pic in that magazine and then put it at the top of the pile? WHAT IF HIS DAD SITS DOWN TO SHIT AND OPENS UP THE MAG TO READ AND SEES THIS BEAUTIFUL ABERCROMBIE & FITCH PIC OF IAN SMILING BACK AT HIM?! Uh, hello dum-dum, anyone there?! 

I can't. I'm tired. 

Oh, shit. I forgot Frank. He needs to die. Like, is he seriously still alive? I love Frank sometimes, tho. I love a hot mess. But maybe I have a limit (True Blood, Dexter). I'll see what terribleness he has in store to enfold this season before I make my decision. What decision what the fuck am I talking about ugh

UM, SORRY, ALSO, CAN YOU BRING IAN BACK PLEASE?! OR CAN WE AT LEAST GET SOME DUMB ASS SCENES WITH HIM GETTING HAZED AT ARMY OR WHATEVER? GET WITH THE PROGRAM! 

True Detective: S1 E1

Oh, boy, I'm excited.

So, I'm immediately in love with this series and even more immediately in love with Matthew McConaughey. This is going to get good, right? Like, as in, shit is about to go down. HOPEFULLY. I've already decided that Woody's character is the ~*~killer~*~. He's doing his NORMAL FAMILY MAN thing wayyyy too hard for me. IT HAS TO BE HIM! Ugh, I love shows like this. And this shit is reminding me of Hannibal a lot (i miss you come back). I wonder if this is actually anything at all like Hannibal or if I was just distracted by the deer antlers or whatever. ONLY TIME WILL TELL. 

Things I'm super pumped about:

-EVERYTHING RUST. I'm a sucker for these fucking southern dude loner types. Sling Blade, Linder from The Bridge, GIVE IT ALL TOOOOO MEEEEEE. Really, I'm a sucker for any lonely ass man in anything. You know he keeps to himself cuz he's gone through some shit. BUT WHAT SHIT?! It takes for ever for us to find out because these characters are always ~~~mysterious~~~~~~ IT'S MY FAVORITE THIIIIIIIIING. I can't wait to find out Rust's horrifying backstory. WHERE DAT DAUGHTER AT? She's dead. Fine. BUT HOW? She was definitely killed, right? BY WHOM? RUST??? Nah that's too much. Or, not enough?! GOD I AM SO HAPPY I WANT ALL THE EPISODES IMMEDIATELY I HATE ALL THIS WAITING EVERY WEEK SHIT. Wow, life is so hard amirite.

-McConaughey's cheek bones. Are those leftover from Dallas Buyers Club? They go so well with this tortured man mess. Definitely keep starving yourself for my enjoyment, thank you. 

-Woody Harrelson's mostly not-good wiglet. CAN IT BE A DIFFERENT WIG EVERY EPISODE DON'T TELL ME NO

-I am so into shit being set in New Orleans. It seems like such a bizarre ass place. Like, it's its own character. Now I am sad I never watched Tremé (is there an accent?). I think all that jazz shit threw me off guard. ONE DAY, TREME. Especially since I heard there may be some ~Cajun characters~. Ugh, and that horse show where they killed those horses. There was definitely a prominent Cajun character on that show. I'm into Cajuns. I refuse to watch True Blood, tho. I have my limits. WAIT, IS THIS SHOW EVEN SET IN NEW ORLEANS? Eh, it's in Louisiana. Good efuckingnough. 

What else? So far I'm mainly just obsessed with Rust. But I really love the whole vibe of the show. But even if I didn't: RUST. Oh, and I hope there's more of that neo-Nazi. I love a good neo-Nazi. How do you write neo-nazi? Which parts do I capitalize and hyphen or not hyphen?? 

ALSO, REAL QUICK CAN WE TALK ABOUT MICHELLE MONAGHAN? There's no way I'm buying her as a mom. At least not the type of mom I'd imagine in this specific family. Woody Harrelson is like her fucking dad. Michelle may be mid thirties or whatever and that's cool for her but she just doesn't ~look~ like a woman who'd be married to a cop with two kid daughters. I don't know, man. Maybe I just need more episodes. But they totally should have picked someone more...minivan looking. Or, like, curvier and depressed. I just have this idea in my head and she is so far off. How the fuck do I have an idea in my head of a character I knew nothing about before I watched the show? SIGH @ me. 

Anyway. I'm pumped. I love when a cool new show comes around, even though my TV schedule is already fucking full enough. I love how I think it's cool to be ~busy~ with too much TV watching. No, seriously, I think it's something to brag about. Should I...die? 

I just read on the imdb page that this shit is a 17 year long hunt. Yo, I'm going to have to wait until I'm dead for some real fucking answers, right? OH BOY (in a good way. for now.)

Girls: S3 Episodes 1 & 2

I'm so happy my baby is back! I mean, my life is sad. So, it's okay for me to be referring to a show as a fucking infant. 

I spent the last week catching up on season 2 so I could ~refresh~ my memory. I had different thoughts watching season 2 this time around. I initially thought the ending of the season was really cheesy and gross but also on purpose. Like, Hannah's romcom prince coming to save her. Which, is ridiculous because: Adam. But rewatching it I almost thought Adam coming to ~save~ Hannah was legitimately like sweet and romantic and touching or whatever. So, I was excited to see them as a for real couple when Season 3 opened. I'm just excited to see how they handle ~an adult relationship~. My guess is poorly. Like, Shiri Appleby's character totally read them to their graves and it was so accurate and I just expect nothing but a complete mess from these two crazy kids. 

Another thing I changed my mind about upon rewatching season 2 was Shoshana. I sincerely hated Shoshanna with a fiery passion. Now, I have no real idea why. Like, she's annoying...but so is every character on the show........... How come I love/like everyone else except for Shoshanna? Uh, turns out I don't. Maybe...I love her? WHHHHY. And Season 3 sexcapades Shoshanna? YES, PLEAZE. And she had some of the best lines last night when Jessa wasn't around. She read Ryan Phillippe's autobiography? Of course she did. Ugh, no, I love her now. 

Know who I actually really do strongly dislike? Charlie. BUT GOOD NEWS FOR ME AND EVERYONE, the diva who plays him left the show. In spectacular diva fashion I imagine. Like, he totally twirled out of a door. He totally did. So, no Charlie is great and I'm excited to see where they take Marnie now that he's gone. Marnie has always been one of my faves. Or, she was. Now that Jessa appears to be getting more screentime I can see Marnie falling back. ACTUALLY, I can see Marnie and Jessa battling for my heart this season. Marnie hates Jessa so I can see her doing and saying a lot of funny shit in some sort of bid to pull Hannah away from her. Speaking of Marnie: I sooooo need more scenes with her and her mom. I think Rita Wilson as Marnie's mom is pretty good casting idk. She's funny and I can totally see how Marnie came to be how she is. Also, Marnie Marie? That was really funny to me whhhhhhyhyhyhyhhy

LET'S TALK ABOUT MY BABY JESSA. FINALLY they are giving her some serious screen time. I loved everything about her rehab scenes. I sort of wanted her to stay there longer, but that would only have made sense if Jessa was committed to actually...rehabbing. I really need to know way more about Jessa. She figured herself out when she was five, she says. I wonder if that's true. Or, like, did she just stop caring who she was a real long time ago? ALSO, is Jessa actually an addict? I mean, I'm guessing they'll have something where everyone realizes Jessa really does have a lot of problems? Butttttt also I'm thinking...maybe they won't. Like, Adam will say something...but maybe it'll go nowhere. AND DOES JESSA HAVE PROBLEMS? Maybe...she simply just wants her nana to pay her rent?? Jessa has this really blasé attitude towards drugs. Last season she was all "heroin is fun, but it fucks your life up - also, I never injected". Like, she's only vaguely acknowledging doing heroin MIGHT be a semi-problem. But maybe it is only a semi-problem? Do we (like, society) have to make such a big deal about drug use if the people doing drugs aren't? Man, I don't know. Like, Shoshanna was all "Jessa can't be a drug addict she's glamorous and stuff" (I'm paraphrasing). But I totally agree with Shoshanna. She's like, cool. And we never see her really fucked up...so...she seems...fine...to me?

Remember when Hannah told that ~sad story~ about Jessa back in college and Shoshanna totally just dismissed her with "you're probably remembering it wrong, it was probably you who was crying"? That's sort of how I think a lot of ~sob stories~ go/are. People exaggerating, because real life doesn't fit into this cliche Chicken Soup for the Soul box. I don't know. I think I'm just struggling trying to figure out who Jessa is. Is she Hannah's version of her begging people not to leave her, is she Shoshanna's idea of her as someone who'll always be okay because she's easy and glamorous, is she that girl who cried on the swings in front of her dad, or in front of Hannah in the tub? TELL ME WHO SHE IS I NEED ANSWERS. Oh, probably she's all of those things and I just realized I'm trying to put her in a neat box like how I was complaining about people trying to do before uggggggh

Anyway, I'm super excited for the rest of the season. These first two episodes were really strong and fresh and funny blah blah blahahah. Here are some dumb bullet point notes about other stuff ugh:

-Loved Hannah not realizing the cup she was drinking out of was made of chocolate. But also, COME ON. 

-What the fuck is Hannah's book? Is it a collection of essays or...a novel? I really wish we could get examples of her writing. 

-Can I talk about that scene in ep1 with Adam's ex and her friend again? SO GOOD. So gooder when they realized it was THE Hannah who was standing next to Adam. Amy Schumer's "Were you in a rush?" DEATH. And Ray laughing. Ugh, everything was golden magical unicorn piss. 

-You know what I want to happen? I want one of Hannah's friends to fuck Adam. Cuz I'm forever about soap opera-esque storylines. Like, it could happen, right? MARNIE? Maybe? Probably most likely is Jessa. That would be great...but the worst person to do it in my opinion. I think Hannah loves her the most, so...Maybe I take my wishes back. Actually, no. Jessa fuck Adam plztnkyou

-Bob Balaban as Hannah's therapist. Dead. I love when he asked about what Adam makes out of papier-mâché. Just, that whole exchange. And then he wouldn't tell her his chant omg

-Shoshanna's friend lying about having had a blueberry red bull "with, like, a blue tongue" 

-SO MAD they didn't play a legit game of Truth or Dare. SOOOOOOOOOOOO ENRAGED

-No, but seriously. How is Ryan Phillippe's last name pronounced. Fila-pee, RIGHT? 

-When Jessa asked for a napkin after the lesbian threw coffee in her face and they were all like "no" "don't give her one" So funny omg

I'm done bye

I watched the Globes and took notes like a cool person

So, I'm watching the tail-end of this Red Carpet coverage. Matt Le Blanc or whoever this news guy is just told us what the ~*~CELEBS~*~ would be dining on. Ribs and pear wine or some shit. He was all, IN CASE ANY OF YOU OUT THERE WERE WON--Let me stop you right there. NO ONE WAS.

And then Matt Damon came on and they were all like "YOU PLAY A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD. THAT IS CRAZY" and then Matt D said how he was telling the other Matt that it was "all CGI" and then he laughed but no one else did *crickets* God, and his fumble to recover. I love you Fat Damon (go back to being fat).

Just watched the most awkward interview with the best thing about Nashville Hayden P and omg these interview people are terrible. I feel so bad for these idiots. Also, jealous. I want Hayden Panitierejebemjduehe to be trying super hard to disguise her disgust for me. What a dream job, for real. 

Get this Winter's Tale shit in my life right now. Colin Farrell with Boardwalk Empire hair? YES, PLEASE. 

"WHO ARE YOU WEARING, CATE" Instead of asking this bitch what her fucking secret to life is. Wasted opportunity, idiot interviewers ;)

Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous. I wish I cared about her. At least she name dropped Daniel Brühl. Much respect. 

Carson Daly: "I was thinking about my simple, redneck family in the midwest whom I'm estranged from - THEY LOVE THE GLOBES CUZ THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE" 

Tina looks gorrrrrrrrrrrrrgeous

Yes, that Tam Honks joke. ON POINT

Bradley Cooper got a chemical peel. Called it. 

Julia Louis-Dreyfus nailed it. All of it. Get out of here, Witherspoon. 

Omg, that Clooney joke. Donnnnnn nn ne. 

"I will never look at slavery the same way again" lol

Why am I more excited that JLaw brought Nick Hoult than that she won? Cuz I'm a bad person. Oh she just gave props to I Heart Huckabees. Yessss. Ugh, she is so cute. Plzzzz stoppp

I'm mad they made Jacqueline Bisset walk like a fucking 5k to get to the stage. I have no idea what just happened but this will probably turn out to be the "best speech" of the night. I need to know way more about Jacqueline Bisset now. Also...they fucked up the censors, right? Cuz "shit" definitely slipped through. Unless that's cool on network TV now like how "bitch" was approved back in 2008 or whatever. 

Ugh, Top of the Lake DESERVES SOMETHING, DAMN. No respect. 

"...Behind the Candelabra" *long ass bored clapping shot of Lorne Michaels* Like, BtC was good but not Top of the Lake good. Fucking ridick. 

OH MY GODDDD ARE YOU KIDDING YESSSSSSS. Elisabeth Moss soooooo deserves this shit. So happy! Finally. Ugh, calm down I want to die. Also, so rude that the TV people are relegated to the back. Like, so blatantly rude it's almost funny. It is funny.

"It's me, the garbage man." I knew he took that shit to heart. Love Matt soooo muchhhhhhhhhhh

I love how Margot Robbie thinks she's being like hazed by The Hollywood Foreign Press. That's actually really cute and awwwww.

BCRANST! (i h8 myself). Ugh he told Aaron he loved hiimmmmmmm. Hellllpppp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yes Aaron Paul giving me one more "Yeah, bitch" THIS IS ALL I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED

I hate Puff Daddy so much :')

Who is this Alex Ebert child? First of all, he is cute in like...a Devendra Barnhart type of way and that lil passionate kiss he laid on his woman or sister or whatever was also cute. What is this St. Bart's story? Also, is Alex Ebert just Ryan Gosling doing method? That is EXACTLY what is happening right now omfgggg

Anytime the camera is on Chris Martin he gets all weird. Like, I suspect he's a huge dork ball but doesn't want anyone to see. Like, we totally just saw you gigglin'. Stop frontin', Chris. 

Wait. Is Chris actually smiling when the cameras are on him? MALARKY! #ilovecoldplay I wonder what he and Gwyneth talk about. Do you think they watch Homeland together and Chris has to say "your Carrie would be so much better. She'd be able to self-cure her bipolar disorder, for real" every time or he doesn't get his nightly hand job with the moisturizing gloves? 

I love how Rob Lowe is more beautiful than all the actresses (except for Jared Leto). 

#Team Olivia Wilde Dark Hair. Due to my obsessive consumption of Hulu shit I am forced to constantly see that Revlon commercial of her where she's whipping around on the street taking a pic of some random building. Her blonde hair is so garish with that fucking cough syrup grape looking ass lipstick. Dark hair for you forever thank youuuuu

...cannnnnnn RDJ just host all the awards? Also, it's HEDWIG. So. That joke was only okay because you're RDJ. LIKE I WAS SAYING CAN HE HOST ALL THE AWARDS?? (All the ones I watch, anyway. So, this and the Oscars. THANKS.)

YES, AMY! Finally some damn respect. For a super rich famous person. She is soooooo cute GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD

"I am on the chicken pot pie diet" I want this on my unmarked gravestone underneath "UNKNOWN" (So...not in any way unmarked) 

Kyra and Kevin are super sexy and stuff. I thought their daughter was Khloe Kardashian when I didn't have my glasses on. Now that I do...it is confirmed that she is indeed Khloe Kardashian. 

omg if Tatiana Maslany doesn't win...I will do nothing. BUT SHE BETTER FUCKING WIN. 

Hmmm. Robin Wright is perfect, tho. I haven't seen House of Cards yet so I can only be mildly upset that Tatiana didn't win because maybe...Robin deserves it? BUT TATIANA PLAYS LIKE FIVE PEOPLE! Robin plays one (as far as I know), so...

Robin just said "gaggle of characters". So good. And then they cut to her toyboy Ben Foster laughing. SO GOODER. 

Ooop, shots fired @ Shia LaBeouf. (I love you, Shia. It gets better~)

Are Jared and Idris friends? They totally touched each other in a bro way, right? Tiny little Brazilian bubble butt. This speech. BRADLEY IS SO UPSET THIS IS AMAZING. MORE CUTAWAYS TO HIM. More cutaways to all the men being jealous of Jared's prettiness. Ugh residual upsetness about Fassy not winning, though. 

Emma Thompson released all her fucks to the heavens. #much respeck. She didn't release her gorgeousness, though. Ugh, the hair the dress ALL OF IT. 

I will never get over Spike Jonze's voice. #dilf (he doesn't have any kids, right? I MEANT DIRECTOR) 

LAURA DERRRRRRRRRRRN. Yes, Citizen Ruth shout out. I always assumed Laura and her dad were estranged. LITERALLY FOR NO REASON. I just thought her and her mom were super tight so obvi that meant she never spoke to her dad. Why am I so basic? 

ANDY BROUGHT JOANNA! lol @ him winning for Brooklyn 99. He's the weak link on the amazing chain of that cast. (ugh @ me now). Aw okay his speech was nervous and cute. Nervous and cute prob cuz he knew he didn't deserve being up there. Noooooo let me stop being mean. I hope this means maybe the show will get more watchers? Prob not BUT FINGERS CROSSED. I want a season 2, dammit! 

NEVER END THESE MATT DAMON JOKES (lol @ Melissa pointing repeatedly into the audience) 

I love how Matt Damon is man of the night. Man of my life. STOP. 

"Belt noting"? YOUR LIFE IS OVER. YOU HAD ONE CHANCE AND YA BLEW IT! 

Wait, Colin Farrell is in Saving Mr. Banks? Now I have a reason to see it! No, I'm just kidding. Plenty of other reasons to force myself to struggle through that movie. Jason Schwartzman's nose is in that shit too, right? Two reasons. Or three. WINK (I mean cuz his nose is big and it counts as two reasons. I love JSchwartz I hope that is clear ugh)

Rob Lowe hates Amy Poehler, right? Two sassy divas on the same set? OF COURSE THEY BUTT HEADS. No, omg, he absolutely despises her THIS IS AMAZING I WANT GOSSIP FROM THAT SET RIGHT NOWWWW

lolomg they're playing "Stay" over this Labor Day trailer in a serious way. I need to see this hot mess immediately 

hmmm...should I watch this About a Boy series? Like, when I heard it was being done I thought "LOL", but that one commercial just now completely sold me. Cuz I'm a mensch. I just looked up mensch and it doesn't mean what I thought it meant. Keepin' it. 

Diane Keaton is pretty hot...is my takeaway from all of that. No, I have a lot more Woody movies I need to see. So much I need Blue Jasmine and Bullets over Broadway. Purple Rose of Cairo, too. That looks interesting. 

This is sort of awkward that Diane is accepting this award in lieu of Woody. Is he just completely against these awards things? I guess that's cool. BUT THIS IS AWKWARD. To me. And toooooooo...a lot of people right now, tho, right? SHE'S FUCKING SINGING RIGHT NOW OMFG. Yall can clap all you want but Jesus has his arms crossed against his chest right now and he's shaking his lice-filled tresses at this mess and all you fakers are now dammed to hell 

I love how Liam Neesons just tried to do something cute with "this is Gravittty" and no one cared. Aw I feel bad for him. So cute. I can't wait to see that plane movie it looks dumb but good in that way that makes me shame-cry and then shame-poop because crying relieves constipation. #themoreyouknow

I love how Affleck always looks depressed. Why do I love that someone is suffering from a serious mental illness? Because it's Ben Affleck. If it were anyone else I'd be deeply concerned (lol no I wouldn't)

I would totally take herpes from Alfonso Cuarón, sooooo

Oh, shit. More love for Brooklyn 99 YESSSSS GIVE ME A SECOND SEASON PLEAAAASSSSEEERREE. Detective Diaz looks so cute in her blue dress and glasses ughdklvjen

"So, when we have Cheerios it's kind of like having breakfast with nana?" NO, YOU IDIOT, BECAUSE NANA IS FUCKING DEAD

omg Joaquin and his mommy

Did Leo really just win over Christian Bale and literally everyone else? SIGH, FINE. 

Joaquin throwin eye daggers - LOVE IT! 

I sincerely hate wrap-up music. It's not like it even works to move these niggas off the stage. Shoot off some Hunger Games cannons. Each second they go over someone in the audience is killed. *cannon sound* I AM A GENIUS.

oh boy. No acting wins for 12 Years a Slave. This is a joke, right? Lupita and Michael were fucking magic I CAN'T DO THIS (Did they do best actor? If Chiwetel wins that's cute but Lupita and Michael just brought it so hard and I am devastated a little bit. I'll wait to see how the Oscars fuck up before I go full blown shooting spree) 

I really need to see Rush. Niki Lauda seems like a super interesting character. AND DANIEL BRÜHL. "You look bloody good to me, man". So happy Chris said that. You're a cutie pie, Niki. Be confident ugh. 

WHO IS THAT HUMAN WHO JUST AWKWARDLY SQUEEZED JLAW HELPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEE

Bradley whispered some catty shit to JLaw and she guffawed. HELPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEE

Why is Bradley so orange? I cannot deal with him. (I love you, BCoop. It gets better~)

Wait. Is it pronounced BLANCHE-CHET? Like, is it just me or is Leo making her name sound super gross? I always pronounced Cate's name in a super soft like French-way. THIS IS IMPORTANT I NEED TO KNOW. 

Omg, Cate's Judy Garland reference. I die. 

SO HAPPY ABOUT ALL THE IDRIS CUTAWAYS TONIGHT. 

I really need to see Dallas Buyers Club. This is cute that Matthew won eventho I have no idea if he deserves to win. lol omg he did his "alright, alright". DEATH.

Do you think Robert Redford is thinking "The dude from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (my secret favorite movie) just won an acting award over ME - star of Barbra Streisand's vagina in The Way We Were????"

McConaughey and his wifey are super sexy HELLPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEE 

Finally, some 12 Years a Slave respect. Not the respect I was hoping for, but... Like, HOW DARE YOU NOT HONOR LUPITA AND MICHAEL?! But, okaaaaaaaay. Fiiiine. This is fiiinnne. Yes, shout outs to Fassbender thank you. Yes, Lupita. Bette Davis of America? Okay, fine. YES, SARAH PAULSON. 

Fassbender LITERALLY HIT Steve McQueen. What a dummy omg (I love you, Fassy. It gets better~)

Why am I still alive? Let's end this ~live blog~ on that note

:)

Rip The Runaway (uggggggggggh)

So, I have huluplus or whatever. There's a lot of shit on there to watch. Lots of cool specific shit that I'm into like k-dramas and everything British.

Most of the UK shit I watch is vastly superior to anything American TV can produce. This is, like, the clichést thing people say about Brit shows, but it's basically true. There are exceptions. Recently, Broadchurch. Less recently, The Runaway. (Also, there's no UK equivalent to Breaking Bad and I've never seen UK Shameless but I doubt it's better than the American version. Like, I can't even fathom that). 

I am only just watching The Runaway now because I was unable to acquire access to it prior to subscribing to Hulu. So good job Hulu even though you have annoying commercials where Mario Lopez's stupid face reacts to tales from "my favorite celebrites" such as Anjelah "I basically do blackface" Johnson and a dude in sunglasses. 

Yes, my favorite celebrity: worser Carlos Mencia. 

But enough about my entitled, intense hatred for thirty second commercials. Hulu had The Runaway, which I had been waiting for years to watch. I really love Jack O'Connell. Mostly for superficial appearance-based reasons, but also because I like to watch him on screen. Hmmmm...how can I articulate this in a less-creepy way? He's Tom Hardy-esque. Maybe? Def nowhere near on Tom Hardy's level, but he lights up the screen in my opinion and he was the best thing about the whole of Skins (even though Gen 3 had the best overall episodes). But anyway, my sole reason for wanting to see this show was Jack. I had no actual idea what it even was about. 

What the show is ~about~ doesn't matter, because everything is terrible. It's always so extra-crushing when a BBC-type show is rubbish. (No, I don't use rubbish in my everyday vernacular but you can suck my dick tho). Like, Broadchurch would have been fine for some dumb ass American show, but this shit was on BBC. STEP YOUR GAME UP. Did you? Seriously? Show me a scene? Where a pedophile simply? Hugs his victim??? AND THEN KILLS HIM DUE TO GUILT OR WHATEVER?? Idk, Broadchurch was almost terrible. It is to my understanding that Sky 1, where The Runaway initially premiered, is a lesser station than the BBC. Is it like...for chavs? Because that would explain the terrible quality of this program I endured for six agonizing episodes. 

Should I get into it? Idfk if I want to. 

Ugh, Jesus take the wheel. 

Oh, you can't? Because you don't have your license? Me either! Oh...your excuse is that you're really busy doing Easter or whatever? What's my excuse? If I said "this blog" would you punch me? Fair enough.

This stupid shit starts off with some dumb shit about some idiots named Cathy and Eamonn. FOR SOME REASON, I thought this would turn into a modern day (as in, like, the sixties ugh) updated version of Wuthering Heights. Because Cathy and Eamonn are stepsiblings involved in some kiddie fauxcest (my new fave word I saw on some blog) relationship. Also, Cathy's name is Cathy like how Cathy's name is Cathy in the book. Also sort of like how Heathcliff is named Eamonn, right? HAHA TOTALLY A MODERNIZED ADAPTION LOL 

Blah, anyway. It would have been great if this was a shitty modernized Wuthering Heights piece of shit. I would have loved that. Because I love anything Wuthering Heights and quality doesn't really matter because the story supercedes any harm you could possibly do to it. Shitty acting? As long as the shitty actors are saying all those angsty Brontë words I'M GOOD. But this wasn't that. The Runaway is some other shit. Cathy is fourteen and her mummy is a prostitute. Her mummy is loved up with Eamonn's dad. Maybbbbbe he's her pimp. But he's her pimp in the way that a woman is a prostitute and she gets a boyfriend and then he starts taking her money from her??? 

Anyway, Kierston Wareing plays the mom. 

I fucking love this bag of lips. Love love lovvvvvvve. So beautiful and tragic everytime I see her in something. I believe the two main things so far have been The Take and Fish Tank, two of my absolute favorite things and she's so good and horrible in both of them. And this. She's so good at being horrible. I love everything about it. She and Burn Gorman were like the only acceptable things happening on this show. Everything else was pure garbage. I so want to say Jack was good but I can't see past my rage right now. Like, maybe he was? But maybe this show also asked me to care about Cathy and Eamonn's dumb ass ~one true luv 4eva~ relationship even after he raped her and beat a woman to death without so much as following up with an apology fruit basket. Like, damn, son. You trippin'. 

Do I even really want to talk about this show? I thought the girl who played Cathy, whose name I don't feel like looking up because I don't ever want to know, was NOT GOOD. I cared about Cathy when she was in that girls home. I felt sad for her and I wanted her to escape. Once that debacle was over and she abandoned her afro friend to go back to her rapist, I WAS DONE WITH THIS HO. Cathy, girl, no. But I think my Cathy hate lie mainly with the actress. There was just nothing there. Or, I didn't connect with what she was putting out. I think I could have cared more had Burn Gorman's character blackmailed her into marrying him or something which I thought was where they were going with him. I think...maybe this show was adapted from a book? Too lazy to look, but if it was then I guess they worked with what they had. Which was shit. 

Speaking of shit: MAX IRONS! 

By "shit" I mean THE SHIT. Is Max talented? Couldn't tell ya. He was the only shining spot in Red Riding Hood, but I can't tell you if that's saying nothing or everything. He played Saoirse's ~lover~ in The Host and it was creepy because it looked like he started braiding his pubes right around the time Saoirse's toddler hair had grown out long enough for her mom or nanny or whatever to braid hers. (Wow, what am I doing). Anyway, I love The Irons'. Make gay marriage legal everywhere so my two babies can finally make it official. I love how I am not even talking about The Runaway anymore. Just like everyone else who has seen this show and then when they were finished completely forgot about it and went to go watch something legitimate like The Hour to revive themselves from their current vegetative state. 

Me after I finished watching The Runaway:

Actually, no. This makes it look like I had a good, soul destroying time. No, that's^ me after watching, like, Blue Valentine. 

*Revised this is me after watching The Runaway:

Yes, Ezra. ...Suicide? Like, I'm like...should I suicide? But not "...suicide?" in a good way like after watching Blue Valentine. 

Ugh, I give up. 

Fox Tuesdays

My Fox Tuesday block is back. And by "Fox Tuesday block" I mean: The Mindy Project.

I like Brooklyn 99. It's cute and there's a lot of funny stuff happening at any given time. I initially wasn't going to watch it because the ads with Samberg doing his Samberg thing put me off. Like, that commercial where he and his partner go to that electronics store or whatever and she's interviewing a guy and he's in the background playing a keyboard? UGHHHHH. It looked so lame. Like, oh...she's the straight-man and he's the Eddie Murphy or whatever. Except, not the Eddie Murphy because I like Eddie Murphy. I don't hate Samberg. He has his charms. Mainly that he introduced me to Jorma Taccone and that he's married to Joanna Newsom. His charms are other people he knows. UM, ANYWAY, I WATCHED B99 AND I LOVE IT. Wait, I initially said I just liked it. But maybe I love it? All of the characters have a special place in my heart. I love when I love all of the characters on a show. Well, okay, I love when I love most of the characters on a show and only have to tolerate one. SO GREAT!

This brings me to New Girl. Where...toooo...begin. The first...maybe...seven episodes of New Girl were very rough to me. I watched them sort of like "Should I...keeep...going???" I didn't start watching the show I think until the first season ended. I binge watched the first series before the season 2 premiere because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. "Zooey Deschanel can't be tolerable enough for people to be watching every week, right?" I thought. Turns out, yes? So, anyway, New Girl grew on me. I initially really loved Schmidt, then that love quickly dissolved into seething hatred, natch. Nick became my raison d'être. Nick Miller was perfection in my eyes. I already loved Jake Johnson from other shit (Ceremony, No Strings Attached) so it was pretty easy to fall into already love with the character he played on the show. Also my favorite type of male character. Plaid shirted loser who doesn't have a bank account? All he needs now is a depression beard and I'll be fucking set. Actually, no, because the show is clearly trying to move away from Loser Nick and I am distraught. His relationship with Jess is obviously going to ~change~ him for the better. DO NOT WANT. Like, why is Winston probably my favorite character now? Wtf? Season 2 of New Girl was the sweet spot. Or...like, the last half of season 1 to the middle of season 2? THEN I STARTED WATCHING THE MINDY PROJECT AND ALL HOPE WAS LOST FOR THEM. 

The Mindy Project is just better in every conceivable way.

Here is a brief list of how Mindy is better than New Girl in every conceivable way:

1. The jokes are funnier/better. I can sit through an entire New Girl episode in almost-silence. I do manage to laugh at least once an ep. This week's ep "Clavado en un Bar" was very laugh-free for me for like seven whole minutes straight at one point. I often ask myself while watching the show "Should I...stop?" New Girl has not reached Dexter-levels of terrible with me, yet, so I shall continue. (I will forever use Dexter as a measure for whether or not I should quit a show. Dexter season 8 bad? Not yet? Keep going.) Things that made me laugh: Winston's hair in the flashbacks and Cece's line about being the one calling the hotline in her phone sex hotline commercial. I don't even know where to begin to choose my favorite lines/things from this week's ep of Mindy. The jokes and gags are non fucking stop. There are too many. Though definitely Peter's King of Queens reference gave me anime squee face. Like, if I am being forced at gunpoint to choose MVP Mindy Project joke...maybe...that one? BUT IT'S SO HARD TO CHOOSE I DON'T WANT TO. Now I understand how Sophie felt. (Confession: never actually finished Sophie's Choice, movie or book. Oh, yes, Baby Jess had a joke about Sophie's Choice on New Girl that maybe I laughed at. It was more about how tears make your eyesight better when you cry. True facts. HAHA. *dissolves into sobs*) Anyway, New Girl would never do a King of Queens reference in such a way that would cause me to yell "Oh, snap!" at my iPad screen without any trace of embarrassment even though I was completely alone and always will be. 

2. Danny Castellano. Before Danny came into my life I had Nick (and Adam from Girls but we won't talk about that). Nick was the ideal. But then Danny came about with his grumpy short guy manliness AND I WAS DONE. Like Jake Johnson, I was a fan of Chris Messina for a while before he turned up on Mindy Project. He might have been my whole reason for initially watching the show. Once I saw the commercials with him teasing Mindy in his grumpy, slightly sexist way I was all SHIPPED END GAME. I am still all SHIPPED END GAME. He is perfect. The world is more beautiful with him in it. Mindy would be more beautiful with Danny in her. I want to cut Chris Messina's face skin off and put it over my own face skin and then we will be one.

3. Chris/Danny dancing to Aaliyah. Nothing will ever top this, so. Even if Mindy went crazy downhill in quality (like Dexter season 8 levels of quality) this one scene alone will make up for it. Mindy will always reign supreme just for this one thing alone. Don't even try, other idiots. Can't be topped. 

4. All the non-Mindy Lahiri characters are better than all the non-Jessica Day characters. DANNY, Morgan, Peter, Tamra, RayRon, Pastor Casey, fucking Mindy's douche ex Josh. All of them are perfection. Even less-perfect characters like Betsy and "Hugh Grant" have their charms. The non-eponymous characters on New Girl? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Schmidt I barely tolerate. I just can't deal with his whole schtick (schdick - euuuuuugh). Though I do like Fat Schmidt sad flashbacks. Cece, as far as I'm concerned, is deeply irrelevant. It's also painfully obvious that the writers are struggling to make her integral/significant to the plot. CeCe is cute and all...but that's it. Though, she does have her moments. Really, everyone on New Girl ~has their moments~. No one is consistently hilarious and no one can really be my favorite. Not even Nick anymore. Winston is my fake-favorite because the others have just made me so tired with all their shit. Lol, should I just stop watching this show? It's totally cool to be exhausted with characters on a drama (Boardwalk fucking Empire), but a comedy? That like goes against the whole point I think. I don't know, man. 

Whhhhhhhhhhhhhy can't Happy Endings just be back? Like, if I could just have a cute lil Mindy/Happy/B99 block on some imaginary channel made specifically for me I'D BE SO HAPPY. Well, I'D BE SO LESS-DEPRESSED. That is a more realistic outcome. :) 

It seems like New Girl might be turning a crunchy leaf. So I'll stick around to see what's up (or down, most likely). I like trainwrecks. Maybe it'd be best for New Girl to just become explicitly not-good. Like, just fucking go for it. Because sometimes there are gems and I'm reminded why I watch the shit in the first place. Stop doing gems. Just shit-balls all the time forever from now on always. I can watch near-perfect Mindy, then switch over to feces covered house on fire New Girl. A comedy palate cleanser, if you will. Which you won't. 

In summary: Brooklyn Nine-Nine is doing a pretty good job. Thumbs up, guys! 

The Master's Sun: jnffk,rokrmeke, jcnricmkr,c Part 5

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The Master's Sun: jnffk,rokrmeke, jcnricmkr,c Part 4

13. Auntie and her boo

I'm too lazy to go on AsianWiki right now to look up these two idiots' names, so I'll just refer to them as Auntie and Boo. 

1. I hated them both. Well, maybe hate is a strong word. They were too insignificant to me to HATE. But I definitely mostly disliked them at all times. Especially that piece of work aunt. First of all, why was she all up in Joo Joong-won's business at all times twenty four hours a day seven days a week?? I seriously thought she had something to do with Joo Joong-won's kidnapping. Like, why the fuck did she care so much that he was hanging with Gong-sil? It was disturbing. I tolerated that shit until she slapped her though. What is with people slapping on these shows? IT'S NOT FUCKING OKAY. Especially when someone has done literally NOTHING TO YOU. I just couldn't with the aunt. She was a fucking bitch. And a baby at fucking, like, sixty thousand years old? YEAH, OKAY. I loved that scene where the two docs told her she was pregnant. The one male doctor couldn't even speak. He just sat there shaking his head in disgust. CAN'T DO IT. I JUST CAN'T! 

And do I even really want to get into the aunt's candy boy ass husband?

Like, I thought he was going to turn out to be really shady but...I guess he wasn't??? I thought he was scheming with the other mall or something. I guess maybe he was just a snitch for Joo Joong-won's daddy? Idfk but he was sort of hot. I didn't want to be attracted to him because his character was super lame. Why was he so tan? Ugh so into it :((

14. The other ghost whisperer who wasn't Gong-sil

Now I'm just fully back to listing shit I disliked. #negativenancylol

Look at this forever alone asshole.  

Mmmm, I don't know why I severely not-liked him. (Possibly because of creepy coma love story????) Really I just hated all that punk ass amnesia shit. 

I HATE AMNESIA SHIT. I hate when even the possibility of a character losing their memory and forgetting everything about their ~love~ is put on the table. I hate that partnered with these amnesia plots is this known fact that it will eventually segue into a plot about the amnesia victim slowly regaining their memory until all the pieces fall back into place and OH WAIT I WAS IN LOVE WITH SOME BITCH I REMEMBER NOW. I hate allllll of that shit. It's like, you've put me through all this extra ass drama just to erase basically everything that happened. I FEEL WHAT GONG-SIL FEELS WHEN JOO JOONG-WON LOSES HIS MEMORY. It's not fair at all to put your audience through that, in my opinion. Like, yes, this is just a TV show and maybe I oughta calm my fucks down BUT NO FUCK YOU SUCK MY DICK.

Actually, it's not even amnesia's fault that Gong-sil is trying to flee to America with Yoo Jin-woo. It's 

^this fucker's fault. 

Get your ran-over ass up. Get up and cross over to heaven or hell or Home Depot or wherever the fuck little kid souls go. Get up and get away from Gong-sil and don't be the cause of Joo Joong-won getting stabbed so she feels all guilty and wants to leave him alone. To be fair, the stabbing was the hit and run driver's fault for being all stabby with shit.

Wow, I hated way more things than I realized. SO MANY THINGS MADE ME ANGRY. Granted, not in a "this is a disaster" I Miss You way, but moreso in a CAN THESE TWO IDIOTS JUST BE DUMB IDIOTS TOGETHER FOREVER AND CAN OBSTACLES STOP GETTING IN THE WAY PLEASE THANK YOUUUUU?!

Summary: I hate obstacles. Dumb ass word. Why is there an o AND a c in the same word? What is this - oscillate?! 

Speaking of o's and c's...(new low?)

15. Coffee Ghost

He was just a cutie pie. That's my whole reason for liking him. 

LOOK AT HIMMMM :3

lol, no seriously if some shit like that was haunting me in real life I'd fucking kill myself. #CAN'T DO IT.

16. Lady Chairman Lee

Things I CAN do?

^this. 

Did I just admit to wanting to fuck Chairman Lee's lady persona? Is this...okay?

What if I quickly talk about how hot his son is? Let me throw in some heteronormative comments real quick as a palate cleanser

*robot voice* Yes, computing as physically attractive. Seventy percent water; thirty percent man meat. *robot jaw opening sounds* Yum. Yum.

The Master's Sun: jnffk,rokrmeke, jcnricmkr,c Part 3

Let's talk about my baby

9. Gong-sil

Yes, JESUS SAVE ME from all this

FUCKING NEVER ENDING GODDAMN CUTIE PIE CUTENESS.

When Gong-sil was first introduced I was confused. "This can't be the love interest," I thought. This awkward ass lunatic with always a little bit manic orange frizz was meant to be the female lead? WHAT? I wasn't prepared to fall totally in love. Like, she was so cute the whole time and I just wanted to die. I found it really hard to believe that Joo Joong-won would spend so much time resisting her. Like I was over it twenty minutes into the first episode. "GIVE IN," I was mildly shouting due to my extremely low-energy nature. 

Maybe I was mildly shouting it before that? Like, as soon as Gong-sil was trying to hitch a ride and Joo Joong-won's car just passed right by her I was like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER?! And then she gets in the car and is so adorable and their hands touch and it's ELECTRIC and Joo Joong-won tries to act like he is disgusted and needs Purell or some shit. I WAS OVER ITTTTTT.

Look at heeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I loved when she hugged him and he was all "YOU'RE FRESH" or he called her horny or some shit. "GIVE IN COMPLETELY YOU DICK NAPKIN," I am still shouting at a medium volume. It's like hurry up and chain this bitch to the water heater in your basement before someone else snaps that up. Like, I don't know, maybbbbbbbbbbbbbbbe...her candy boy???

10. What the fuck is a candy boy/girl??

Kang-woo's sad ass gives Gong-sil a lollipop at some point that Gong-sil pretends to cherish. Joo Joong-won gets all jealous and shit and starts referring to Kang-woo as Gong-sil's "candy boy" for the rest of the series. I feel like candy boy has a meaning. Is it like boy toy? I am trying to think if we have an American phrase for this. Boytoy is like a UK thing. I'm not even perfectly clear what that means. I don't think "candy boy" is just something Joo Joong-won is calling Kang-woo because he gave some bitch a lollipop. That's like...way too literal and unimaginative. 

Also, "candy girl" is a phrase that's bopped around. I think I've heard candy girl used in other kdramas. In one of the other two I watched before this one. I took it to mean "gold digger". Actually, maybe it was just this one I heard it in. Because doesn't Joo Joong-won offer to make Gong-sil his kept bitch and she says something like she doesn't want to be his candy girl? A gold-digger type, right? Or kept woman at least? 

You know, Google is my friend. But I'm not here to make friends. 

11. The Pianist

Speaking of candy boy ;)

...I should really stop doing these horrible segues. Also, this one is about me talking about how hot The Pianist was. WHY would I choose this pic? I'm pretty sure this is right before he is about to slam his fingers beneath the piano's fallboard. I love man-pain. It makes the tiny dying ember admist my mostly dead black heart flicker with boner feelings. 

This dude was named Louis Jang, right? (I'm acting like I didn't just go to AsianWiki). So cute. And the grieving widow thing? AWWWW. Less awwww? How fucking creepy he was. Like, making Gong-sil take over the duties his wife used to do and then being totally fine with his wife inhabiting Gong-sil's body and being all LET'S GO TO FRANCE, WIFE. Psycho. But it only made him hotter to me. That shit is fucking romantic. In, like, a Jeffrey Dahmer preserving his boy heads in the freezer type of way. 

Speaking of romantic in a Jeffrey Dahmer sort of way (sorrrrrrrrry)

12. Ghost Dog and his Lover

Not going to lie, this deserted soldier and ghost dog episode almost made me cry. Almost, as in, it did. 

I felt so bad for the soldier. He was being abused at Army Camp or whatever and his only solace was this fucking dog and some weird pop song they used to dance to together in a totally non-bestiality way.  

Then the dumb ass dog is euthanized and soldier boy no longer has a reason to live. (I mean, who does? But still, I felt bad for him). 

He was all alone and stuff, trying to kill himself and stuff.

Then Joo Joong-won comes over to act like he is The Supreme when we all know it's Gong-sil (and she was totally giving him the side-eye he deserved), and tells Sad Soldier all kinds of cute stuff about his dog and how he's lifting his paw up to him and when the soldier started crying I LOST IT. I was really unprepared to be caring about these ghost stories like this. It made me mad. I wonder if that dude fucked that dog.