!!!: The Drop (2014)

I can't believe this movie exists. I can't believe Tom Hardy exists. Like

wha...

what is???

why are you?!??!

So, like, honestly, this whole post could be just me unintelligibly talking about how much I love Tom Hardy, and like, even more so when he's cuddling a little pit bull pup, but I will, like, whatever, try to mostly talk about the movie?? Like the other stuff in the movie? In sort of a comprehensible, non-insane way? LOL

So...this was sort of an odd film. For me, anyway. I kept thinking how bizarre the pitbull pup plot was mixed in with all this...sort of gangster mob shit. It was like comical and sweet, but at the same time threatening and ominous because there's this weird guy who wants the dog and maybe he's a crazy murderer, but definitely he has a full blow-out that probably cost $200?? Right, like, this movie is so weird! Why does Eric Deeds have like highlights and a seventies blow-job???? But he looks homeless and unhinged??? I guess that explains his out of place "look"?? And what is this business with the chip  in the neck and all that? Does that honestly exist? And even if he did have that, when he was like "okay, I'll tell the police you beat the dog" right...who would the police believe? Bob, or Eric who spent time in a fucking insane asylum?? Hmm?? Why didn't Bob counter with that? Why did he entertain Eric for even one millisecond? ESPECIALLY WHEN THE WHOLE TIME HE KNEW THIS DUDE WASN'T EVEN A THREAT??? So. confused. But at the same time I'm just really glad there was an excuse to have all those scenes with Tom and that dog :') I wonder if the people behind making this movie are like huge pro-pit people? You know, like those people who are always PITBULLS AREN'T DANGEROUS IT'S THE OWNERS! Like Noomi's character straight-up says that verbatim at one point. Totally the entire reason behind this film was to get across the pro-pitbulls message and I love it, I love everything about. 

Okay and can we talk about James Gandolfini?? He was super funny in this and he made me like him and I got really annoyed when he fucked with Bob and, ultimately, good acting R.I.P. I'm annoyed I recently ~binge watched~ all six some fucking seasons of The Sopranos and spent the whole time not even realizing this dude is a super-good actor?? Maybe he makes it look too easy? Or I was distracted by all the nose-breathing??? Idk, but it sucks he's dead. But at least he left some fine performances behind before he peaced the fuck out and this is definitely one of them. How are you a huge piece of shit but also super-charming and hilarious? When he ran over that irrelevant kid from Animal Kingdom I was screaming and crying :') Like, in a good way. Like the audience at a black comedy club and Kat Williams is doing a set sort of way. Or when he talked about going to Europe with his sister and how he's that sort of loser now, traveling to Europe with his sister with a camera around his neck, idk it was funny. Or him lazily throwing salt down as Bob shoveled, or his response when Bob was like, "You don't call people from Ireland Irelandians" or whatever. Or when he was watching Bob wrap that arm and was like "You look like you're wrapping meat, like you do this every day". Like, Cousin Marv was just cracking me up the whole way through. Then shit started to get real and I was :( because I liked him but he was dirty. I was so mad when he started working with Eric. Why, Cousin Marv?!?

But okay! Him working with Eric leads us to find out that it was really Bob who killed that Wheelin dude, and whoopsie now Eric's dead, too! *Nadia's uhhhh...can I leave now face* Girl, me too. 

Like! I knew Bob was gonna turn the fuck up. And I totally wanted him to kill Eric...but...things got a little complicated once it was revealed Eric hadn't actually killed the Wheelin dude and then two seconds later he himself was murked. Nadia was like "lol umm...you just shot him..." Nadia was me while watching that scene, for real. And then when Nadia implied Bob was part of the thug life and he tried to assert that he was different from them I was also Nadia as she scurried away, promising not to say anything. I won't say shit, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME LIKE YOU JUST DID ERIC AND THAT OTHER DUDE AND PROB A BUNCH OF OTHER DUDES PLEASE DON'T PUT MY BODY IN A BOILER FULL OF LYE AND LAUNDRY DETERGENT THANK YOU PLEASE. But why did I still think it was cute when he referred to Rocco as their dog even though like five seconds prior he had just shot someone in front of her? Idk, smh @ me.

BUT APPARENTLY THE FILMMAKERS THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE TOO AND WERE TOTALLY SHIPPING NADIA AND BOB BECAUSE HE TURNS UP TO HER HOUSE AT THE END LIKE "LOL I KNOW YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE ME AGAIN BUT I NEED TO HEAR YOU SAY IT". Yo, did Nadia just agree to go with him because she is a.) TERRIFIED, b.) dumb, c.) desperate/thirsty d.) he's Tom Hardy, or e.) all of the above and also he's Tom Hardy? Prob e. But I am projecting. I wish you two crazy kids the best!!

Penny Dreadful

So I really love this show. Which is weird, because the whole ~fantasy~ element with all the monsters and super-witch powers isn't entirely my thing. I guess Being Human UK and American Horror Story are shows that I liked that are in a similar vein of Penny D?? But for the most part, I like, do not care about werewolves, okay?!

What really draws me to Penny Dreadful is Eva Green. She's like 1,000% my reason for even being interested in this show in the first place, and there's no way I would have watched if she weren't the clear ~star~~. Eva Green is very special as an actress and I'll follow her crazy ass anywhere. Well, wait, I don't know about her personally lol, but her acting is crazy and I fucking live for it. It's great and this show is a very appropriate vehicle for her. So, she was my main reason for watching this, but now maybe I have other reasons, too? Like, NO ONE is more important than Eva, but can we talk about Rory Kinnear? He is completely killing me and I want to die. He makes me want to die. I love him and hate him and if the show ever kills him off I'll be really upset. I was also super-into Harry Treadaway this season? I mean, I'm already into the Treadaway twins for primarily superficial reasons, but I really got into Harry this season for his acting. I supremely hated his character in the first half, and then he got all crushed and I felt super bad for him and I don't know...good acting?? Billie Piper also killed/disturbed me? Even Reeve Carney's blank ass gave me something to work with. And Helen McCrory! She is also another special actress. Why every time that I see her in something she is giving me more than I asked for? This is the type of acting I wholly agree with and she's great and I'm a little sad she (probably) won't be in season three. At least...at least I *vomiting sounds* still have Peaky Blinders? 

Okay so it looks like there's going to be a season three and I am ecstatic. I have no idea how popular/watched this show is. I'm glad this shit is on Showtime because seriously Showtime seems to renew all of its shows whether or not people are watching them lol and that's great! I think, though, that Penny D has a pretty solid fanbase? I mean I have no idea lol. I do know that the fanbase might really be shipping Vanessa and Ethan? LOL. Wait...do I ship them?? Ugh, idk. I sort of want a bigger, more ~charismatic~ love for Vanessa, if they're going to give her one. But...I could sort of be into her saving Ethan from whatever hell he's going to face in America. I'm...so curious for how they'll unravel season 3. They could totally reboot, right? Or...revamp? Are those the same...the same words lol. Vanessa has...I think...defeated her demon? So it's gonna be an entirely different game for her. Also...she has accepted that she needs to go it alone...so I'm wondering what that means for her and all the other characters connected to her.

Will John Clare be back?? Will Frankenstein descend into addiction?? Will he become even more of a monster now that he's had his heart broken?? Wtf is gonna happen to Ethan in America?? What about Sir Malcolm? What's he got going on? Is he even relevant without Vanessa?? What's gonna happen with Lily and Dorian? Is anyone shipping their horrible union?? I am sort of annoyed neither of them can be killed :') Also...what the heck is Lily talking about with the super-race of Frankenstein monsters? Frankenstein only created three of them; one was destroyed and another is sailing to fucking Antartica or some shit, so... What is she going on about? And can the monsters produce? I guess??? smh idk. And Hecate! Are you seriously bringing this b back for season 3?! I don't like her ugh! Lol she's so annoying omg. Season three is either gonna be really lit or Hannibal season 3 level "ugh - enough!" irritating. But I'll still love it, though. I still love you Hannibal please don't be upset with me for shading you but why the fuck didn't Michael Pitt come back hmm? :) I mean Joe Anderson is good but I can tell the difference :) and the difference is that it's not Michael Pitt :)

lol p.s. did you seriously just kill the only black person in the cast off like that? I mean, he was truly irrelevant...but I thought you were trying to make him relevant by forcing a friendship with Ethan? Sigh, except it seems the forced friendship was only there so we could ~feel bad~ when Ethan killed him?? lol i didn't care even a little bit :') Nice try sweetie :')

pps. Why didn't Clare kill that blind bitch?! I AM SO UPSET AND DISTRAUGHT. I AM ANNOYED YOU MADE ME THINK THEY WERE STARTING UP A LOVE CONNECTION ONLY TO HAVE THIS BITCH BETRAY HIM TO THE FULLEST EXTENT. WHY DO YOU HATE CLARE SO MUCH WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING HIS LIFE IS SO TRAGIC AND YOU'RE JUST LIKE LOL MORE! More tragedy! *evil villain laughter* I hate this show and want it to die also hurry up season three you're taking to long to get here let's go!!

No Good Deed (2014)

Is this movie's title sort of an unintelligible warning? Like someone who's just learning English letting you know they're a fan of Ayn Rand? No Good Deed. Don't do good deeds? Don't be altruistic - let natural selection take care of the weak and helpless. Also, if you help someone, they'll prob end up hitting your slutty best friend in the face with a shovel :')

This movie is dumb. Okay, so, first off lol, I don't like how obvious Colin was. Oh, he's a sociopath and malignant narcissist. Okay, why are sociopaths in movies always played, like, not how sociopaths are described in text? Like, why in movies can you right away peg characters as ~sociopaths~ when I feel like that's not at all how it works in real-life? Sociopaths are supposed to be lowkey with their antisocial attitudes. I always thought the big difference between sociopaths and psychopaths was that socios were self-aware. And that, to me, means they have better control hiding their badness, whereas psychopaths have no control of their crazy showing. I feel like all the time in movies I'm seeing psychopaths. Do movie people even know what a sociopath is? An okayish example might be Hannibal Lecter? But 1. not even sure he's a socio, and 2. see point 1. Pretty sure he's not even meant to be a sociopath, as he's very obvious with his crazy, but not as obvious as literally every other crazy committed to film/TV, so, unfortunately, he is the best example. 

I don't like how in the movie when Colin goes before the parole board he's all obviously fake like "Yes, I've reformed, I started an education program in prison :) I'm a changed man :) Give me a second chance :')". Um, no, you're a murderer - sit down. And that's exactly what one of the niggas on the parole board says. It seems Colin's little act was winning over most of the board, but that 1 nigga spoke up like "Nah, fam, fall back. You killed a guy. Colin is a malignant narcissist with a history of violence. Also, I think he killed a bunch of hoes? Like, besides the 1 nigga he killed that he's already in jail for? In addition to that 1 murder, I think he did a bunch of other ones? lol, we not lettin' this nigga go." Boom, roasted, Colin.

WHAT I HATED was Colin getting so visibly upset as the dude was talking. If you're such a sociopath, you would hide your rage. The dude compares Colin to Dahmer, but...I don't remember Dahmer being a spaz or ever really reacting to people calling him a monster and all that shit, right? Dahmer would be a nice example of a sociopath, or Ted Bundy maybe? But def not some nigga two seconds away from going into a flying rage that they have to yell at to sit down. You're not a sociopath, you're, like, Chris Brown. And malignant narcissist? Yeah, okay, you can have that. 

So on the ride back to the prison, Colin ends up murdering the guards meant to escort him, cuz duh. This part was d u m b. Why didn't the black guard with the gun just shoot Colin? lol, did he think they were buddies? What a dummy, of course this HOMICIDAL ASS PIECE OF DICK was gonna kill you - helllllloooo!! So stupid, he deserved to die. 

I think we flash to Taraji/Terry after this? I think. She's at home with her kids trying to call up and find out where her husband is. I assumed he'd turn up dead or something and that's how she'd end up alone, being terrorized by Colin. But nah, this nigga named Jeffrey eventually comes through with a very suspicious-ass hairline, and an attitude problem. You can tell right away he's no good, and Terry deserves better. I got hella suspicious of the friend because she was all "Jeffrey doesn't appreciate you, Terry!". And then later he's sort of eyeing her - for sure I thought they were fucking and, um, I'm mad it didn't turn out like that. lol, why tho? I love call-outs. Is it cuz this was written by a woman that it turned out Meg wasn't fucking Jeffrey? Look, feminism is my fave. But more than that, my fave is people being called out on scandalous shit in movies. You think it was satisfying enough to see Terry punch Jeffrey at the end? NO. I don't give a fuck about that nigga! He absent for the whole movie and you lowkey got him as the real villain? Stop. 

So, whatever lol, before all that goes down, Terry is bitching to Jeffrey for not being there enough? His response is that it's his dad's birthday. 100%, this nigga Jeffrey said, in a completely serious tone at one point in the film, as if he were going out to stop 9/11 from happening, "It's my dad's birthday, Terry." He's taking this nigga golfing! lol, please. Which, btw, is weird, because...isn't a storm coming? Hmm. lol, he was being suspicious as fuck and wasn't even trying to hide it. Like he's packing improperly for the weather and Terry comments on it and he's like "lol it's only a two hour drive!" Okay. 

So we go back to Colin and he's stalking his "girlfriend" wearing an incognito on-the-run disguise that includes: a hat. Is this a Lifetime movie, but slightly better because no Canadian actors pretending to be American? (Look, I can fucking tell the difference - stop.) This "girlfriend" of Colin's is the girl he killed for, which landed him in the ol' priz. Apparently, some nigga was lookin' at her, so Colin killed the dude. Romantic. Colin shows up to this bitch's house and she's like oh, fuck, this nigga. It's stated for us that, after Colin was incarcerated, the girlfriend moved away, and never visited him in prison. But Colin is all ~~I understand~~. Lol, of course you do, nigga, tf. Then he's all let's get fake passports and run away and get married~! She's shitting in her pants, cuz this nigga is 1. an escaped convict, 2. supposed to be in prison, 3. intruding in her home, 4. wearing a jean jacket. Colin is all "Do you still love me?" and her scared ass is all "Yes".  Yep! Please don't kill me haha! Except he does anyway? That whole proposal was completely fake? He found some letter on her bed from her new nigga, which leads to a confrontation, which leads to the chick yelling how she fucks her new nigga in her bed every night and he never wears jean jackets. That thing happens to Colin where he goes into Chris Brown blackout rage, and he beats his ol' girl to death with a lamp? Um, okay, what is with the aggressive violence against women in this movie even though...the movie has sort of a feminist bent? Sort of and bent is correct. Like. Did he seriously choke her and then slam a lamp repeatedly into her skull? It's pretty disrespectful, ngl. 

So! Back to Terry! She's at home preparing dinner with her daughter when there's a knock or ring at the door or whatever sigh kill me. She opens the door and Colin is on the porch standing with his back to the door...sigh. Who even answers the door? Oh, maybe she thought it was her friend? lol, still, when she sees it's some strange ass dude she should've immediately closed the door shut. Instead she calls out to him? LOL WHO WOULD DO THIS? Idk, I'm anti-social as fuck, so maybe some not sewer rat type ass individuals know how to act, and how-to-act is answering the door when someone knocks on it. And then if that person's back is to the door when you open it, you, natch, call out to them. Okay well you social butterflies have fun having your faces hacked into pieces :') Sounds fun :') 

Colin is all "Owie! I got in a car accident. Do you think I could use your phone?" SOLID. NO. "I don't have a phone. Just like, apparently, in 2013 or whenever this movie was made, neither do you :) Bye!!" Except Terry doesn't say any of that? For some reason? She definitely looks skeptical of him, but eventually relents to let him use the phone, which I think was because he looks like Idris Elba. I mean, she makes him stay outside in the porch in the rain, which was good, and rude lol, but...she slips up far too soon in the game for my liking, for her initial reservations to mean anything. 

Colin pretends to call a tow truck company, and Terry is dumb and is like "Tell them to pick you up here!" Okay, girl. Fast-forward to Terry lettin' this nigga all up in her house, and for two seconds it's the cover of a Zane novel when Terry is bandaging Colin's head. Or maybe when he undresses? Or maybe when they ~take a shower~ together? lol please at this movie PLEASE. 

So blah blah Terry and Colin are hanging out and talking while Colin ~waits for the tow truck~. I'm confused. Colin says he lives "down on River road". Is that far away? Why...doesn't he walk over there? If your home is nearby...I don't understand why you wouldn't just go there and phone for towing. Even if it's like miles... Like, I get it was raining, but I would have fucking just walked home, and I feel like a lot of people would expect that you'd do the same, no? Like if some nigga came to my door and was like "lol my car broke down, but I live around here tho ;)", I'd be like lol well...have a nice walk ;) And that's it. And maybe that was Jesus who came to my door and I turned him away. But you know what? Fuck Jesus. 

So Meg comes over with her slutty single gal routine and I'm immediately wondering what sociopath and malignant narcissist Colin is going to do to get rid of her. His plan is to make Meg think he and Terry are having some sort of affair. While also sort of flirting with her? He was clearly in over his head in this situation. Remember when Meg asked where he lived on River Road and he was all "lol are you going to stalk me?" and I'm pretty sure this bitch said "maybe", but then got super-serious like, "No, but seriously, what fucking house do you live in?" Was the address he gave the address of the ex-gf he killed? If so, why was he being hesitant about giving it out if--oh, I guess...Meg said she knew everyone who lived on that street...so prob...sigh, idk, fast-forward to this ho getting slammed in the face with a shovel. 

Whyyyyy...did she...follow Colin out to the garage when he went to go ~take a smoke~? Why was she so randy? It was like a caricature of a horny bitch, but okay. And what did she think she was going to do with him out there...at her friend's house? Like Terry went upstairs to attend to her baby for two seconds, chiiiiilll. Anyway, they don't fuck because Colin heavily implies he's Terry's mistress, to which Meg responds that she doesn't believe him. She and Terry are besties, Terry tells her everything; Meg thinks his story is bullshit. Then she tries to go alert Terry about this suspicious nigga, which is how she gets that shovel slammed in her face. Bitch body count: dos. 

So almost immediately after Colin kills Meg, his true nature is revealed to Terry. I really thought they were going to drag out...Terry discovering the truth about him. Like, having this too-long sequence of her being like "lol where is Meg?". But, no, she immediately realizes Colin is responsible for her disappearance and then things turn up. Tbh, I would have preferred a slow realization from Terry about what's happening/who Colin really is, as I think that's creepier. Like...a movie where a woman invites a deranged stranger into her home and he slowly unravels little horrible pieces about himself...just seems more interesting. But this...is not that type of film. This is schlock with a slightly intriguing pro-woman slant - sort of. 

So, whatever, Colin shuts off all the lights...I guess to make sure Terry gets the point that he's a scary murder man. Like, she comprehends. You cut the phone lines. You said Meg left but her stuff is still obviously there - Terry understands, okay? Soon after this, Terry finds Colin in her daughter's room, like picking her up and shit. Terry is all, "Ayo, put her down", and at this point I'm wondering how the rest of this movie will unfold. I wonder this several times during my viewing. For sure, the premise is thin, and stretched to fill time. Like, you can tell this whole story in five minutes, so it's padded with a lot of bullshit and stalling. 

It takes them a minute to leave the daughter's room because Colin gives her a necklace and Terry is repeatedly telling him to take it back. They they leave the daughter's room and I think Colin takes Terry in to shower with him? And here I was like lol okay what is the point of this? I was almost certain it was meant to sexualize Colin and display his body, which happened some other times in the movie as I've mentioned, and I see...what they're doing...however, it felt awkward. Why make the ~bad guy~ sexxxy? I don't want to watch a serial murderer soap his pecs up in the shower? lol what is... The threat of him maybe raping Terry was there...and alright, but I knew he was never going to do that, so...why even bother with this? And what was that bit about Terry pleading for him not to violate her and Colin is all "don't flatter yourself" and Terry gets pissed off and is like "fuck you"??? Who....is offended that somebody doesn't want to rape them? Enough @ this movie.

After Terry scoffs at Colin not sodomizing her, she winds up hitting him in the head with like a candlestick or something, and fleeing. Wait - what came first: her hitting him with that fire extinguisher, or the candlestick thing? Idk, both times he ends up getting her back in his grasp. Also there's a point when Terry stabs him. None...none of these things really deter him. Terry is able to phone the police, so Colin tells her to get the kids - they're leaving. On the way out, Terry glimpses Meg's corpse, and for no reason at all, this is super-hilarious. 

So they're driving blah blah. They pass a bunch of cop cars who are on the road inspecting the car crash Colin was involved in before he turned up at Terry's. Colin is all "Don't even think about it" or whatever, to Terry. Okay, but what would he have done had she just swerved over there? I feel like...he's injured...it'd be difficult for him to react quickly...i.e.: grabbing her as she tries to get out--oh, no, I'm forgetting the gun. Ah, there you go! u g h. So, not too soon after this, they run into another cop car. Terry ~surreptitiously~ flashes her headlights at him. He pulls them over. Colin grabs Terry's baby as incentive for her not to fuck up. The officer asks Terry to get out of the car. He walks her away from the car and asks her if she has anything she wants to tell him. Now, at this point, I just get confused, because Terry makes up some lie about how she's having an affair with Colin while her husband is out of town. I...don't understand why she didn't just tell the officer what was going on. They were quite a ways away from the car. If she was afraid of Colin hearing, she could have whispered or mouthed it? I...? Like, eventually she sort of tells him, but she takes so long getting to it that Colin eventually catches on that something's going on, gets out the car, and shoots the cop. She got this cop involved for no reason lol. Now, would this cop have lived had Terry gotten to the point a little quicker? Idk, but let's say yes, so she feels awkward, and responsible for his death, which she a little bit is :')

So after the pig is killed, they drive to some house. It's the house of Colin's ex-girlfriend that he killed earlier *drake voice* remember? Her corpse is just lying there on the floor of the bedroom? Terry is like D: Colin makes her get him some first aid kit shit for his stab wound. Terry's car alarm goes off, callback to earlier in the film! ...when...when that happened earlier. Colin obviously doesn't want attention drawn to the situation, so he gets panicky about going out there to turn the alarm off. He doesn't want to leave Terry unguarded in the house, but settles for tying up her arms and legs. I'm just like *eyeroll*. Like, she's obviously getting out of those ties, but okay. And like as soon as Colin leaves, she does. A phone is ringing and Terry unties herself to answer it -_- The phone belongs to Colin's dead ex. Terry answers and guess who's on the other end? Did you guess?! It's fucking Jeffrey! He's calling Colin's dead ex like "lol ho where u at??" I...am so annoyed I didn't see this little "twist" coming. I was too busy focused on the other "twist" that I completely made up about Jeffrey and Meg fucking on the low that turned out to not even be happening. S I G H

So fast-forward to Terry shooting Colin out of a window because I'm tired and want to go home. Then the cops arrive to the scene of the crime blah blah and then Jeffrey arrives and the cops try to stop him from entering the crime scene and he's all "But that's my wife!" lol. This entire movie is your fault, my brother. Terry agrees and punches him. Fast-forward to the ending. Terry is moving into a new place with her kids and she has a new lawyer job. She takes a framed photograph of her and Meg out of one of the moving boxes and looks at it like "Ultimately, it's Jeffrey's insecure hairline's fault that you are deceased :')". She puts the photo back. Her babysitter comes out the house with her kid in the stroller. Terry asks her if she's taking the baby to the park, then says she'll walk with them over there on the way to the courthouse. The funniest thing I have ever seen in my life is the sorry excuse for a "park" the babysitter is taking the baby to. It's like a swing and some little ass grass. I'm screaming. This is all Jeffrey's fault.

Foxcatcher (2014)

I...think I really liked this movie? lol, it was...this was one of the most uncomfortable/depressing movie-watching experiences of my life - AND I LIVED!! This is the type of entertainment I neeeeeeeed!!! I felt, after watching this, how I feel after watching some relentless-ass Lars von Trier movie: rejuvenated. 

This movie is almost funny in how depressing it is. Like, that whole sequence where we follow sort of a ~day in Mark's life~ where he gets paid twenty sad ass dollars to speak to kids at a school (they weren't even expecting him - they wanted his brother!), then he goes to train with Dave and he's all frowny face and downbeat and then after that he goes home to his gloomy ass apartment and eats like ramen noodles he poured some lukewarm water over and I'm not sure it even cooked? Like the noodles might've been dry??? And then I think maybe later he's playing on some old-school gameboy? Kill. me. 

Why...is Mark's life so fucking depressing? What is this? lol. It's so over the top. I wonder if it was an aesthetic choice by the director? Cuz, you know, I saw some pics of the real du Pont and he...he was an attractive-ish sort of dude, in like a Tour de France sort of way. I definitely get creepy vibes, but the way Steve Carell portrays him is like if Alfred Hitchcock and Danny DeVito's Penguin had twin babies and one twin ate the other one, and what that twin shit out after eating his bro is John du Pont. Like, it's so severe and horror film. And I think...Mark's daily depressionthon was exaggerated to sort of match. Like, this movie is a horror film and everything is sort of heightened, right? Or...is this film like totally accurate to real-life? Like, why do I find it so hard to buy Mark's grey, melancholia ass life? And just because photos of du Pont make him seem more Vincent Cassel-sassy/charming, than bird-stuffing creepy, doesn't mean it's so. But whether this movie is true to real-life, or exaggerated for effect: I love it. Love. it.  

Okay, but I have a few questions. So let me ask them to the void. 

-What was up with Mark? Like, what was his deal? Why was he so sad? Rq can we talk about how perfect lunkhead Channy Taters is for this type of role? Like, I almost regret calling him a lunkhead because Stockard Channing seems like a really good dude. However, I am still, to this day, confused about his status as a ~movie star~. It's so bizarre, right? Like, he came up from Step Up, right? Have you seen that movie, or him in it?? How...how has he come so far? I guess 'cause he's a good dude? Tbh, being a ~good dude~ is not...something that should be considered when casting roles, imo. But I don't work in the movie industry...so...maybe it's better to get the chill dude over the more talented, but problematic dude? But, like, that's why so many movies are super-terrible? This movie is one of the exceptions, though, and Charmander was perfectly cast. Coincidentally? Probably. Do I think Bennett Miller knew he'd be good? No. I think he likes to play around with perceptions people have about certain actors and tries to pervert them. But he accidentally was successful here with his random choices, so good job being lucky!

Back to Mark being a freak. Why did he have zero self-esteem? Like, hadn't he already won a bunch of medals and shit? Or am I remembering wrong and it was just Dave? Idk. I do know he was trying to get out from under Dave's shadow, but I'm so confused how he had motivation to train when he seemed clinically, chronically depressed. How is he planning for the Olympics when it seems he's prepared to lunge himself off a bridge at any moment? Like he's talking to du Pont about how he wants to win for America! and all this shit, but the whole time I just want to wrap a fire blanket around his shoulders and rock him back and forth while he cries into my bosom. This is not a sexual fantasy at all, btw. I would never encroach on du Pont's territory ;)

Can we talk about when Mark and du Pont were in the--WAIT. First, what was that scene when Mark shows up to the du Pont estate ready to move in and shit and he's sitting in that guy's office and du Pont walks in and Mark is all excited like some dog who's been waiting for his master to come home and du Pont shades him like, "Oh, you're here?"?? Why is John Lucille Bluth? lol and why is Mark so...idk, thirsty (Gob)?? Is it because he never really had parents? lol okay 1. You're a grown man, so gather the scraps of what's left of your dignity together and glue that shit back into your asshole, and 2. Why would you choose John du Pont as your father figure? Like, he already has Dave, why is he so desperate for John? Is it because Dave has that family? Yo, Mark, dummy, you're a wrestler. Have you seen Sienna Miller? You can totally take that bitch. And those kids? You could kill them easily. Lay a smackdown on that whole family and you get your brother/daddy back. Prob solved!! 

-Speaking of daddy.

:(

:/

:,(

:((

Why was I so into Dave's look? Like, I'm always aesthetically pleasured (PLEASE) by Mark Ruffalo, but this is the ugliest he has ever been onscreen, and yet. 

And yet. 

Like, his hairline is...he has like a receding hairline beard mashup? It all flows into one thing?? Idk, but this nigga is grizzly and thick. I want to be dead until forever. 

I sort of hated Dave, though. Or? idk. lol, no, I didn't, but how much $$$ did du Pont offer him to come up to the estate and train? Why didn't he go initially? lol, prob cuz $25,000/yr is fucking nothing. But like Mark was talking all this "You can't buy Dave" shit and two seconds later this nigga arrives in a helicopter with the whole fam in tow. Okay. I totally supported Mark being salty and having a pouty attitude. I so felt bad for him, even though I knew he wasn't being fair? But I was Team Mark. 

lol remember when du Pont came to visit Dave and the fam in the hotel room and Dave's wife didn't get up when she said hello and Mark spazzed on her? 1. Mark is totally jealous of her placement in Dave's life, and 2. It was so cute how Dave ran after him into the hall and gave him some wrestling advice. Like, their super-gay wrestling embrace really filled me with so much - let's keep it PC - joy. And he did the same thing when Mark was having that salt-a-thon and being all pouty with the cold shoulder and everything and then he lost a match and binged on a bunch of food and tore up his hotel room and Dave like BUST IN - this nigga kicked Mark's hotel room door in - and like (after slapping him ugh) enveloped his baby bro in a full-body hug?? GUT MY INNARDS. And then later he was holding Mark's head as he threw up in the toilet and ugh this whole thing made me want to cry it was mad tender - please!! And then he was working with Mark to get his weight down and protecting him from du Pont - I had cry feelings the whole time and was so happy. But it was also bittersweet. du Pont gon' kill you, Dave :/

I definitely hated knowing all along du Pont was going to murk Dave. Like when they were having that meeting and Dave's like "I need to know my brother's being supported" - like, I want to be happy and feel proud of Dave and relieved for Mark, but I just know this shit sealed his fate. Why are you, like, such a good guy, Dave? It was your kiss of death! 

-DID YOU REALLY NEED TO SHOW ME THE DEATH SCENE? A movie I wanted a death scene from: American Sniper. That movie was sort of boring, and a death scene would have added some much-needed excitement. (Yep, I am trash). Also, I didn't become emotionally attached to Chris Kyle. Idk if it was Clint's direction or Bradley's acting or what, but I remained detached from the character/person. That was not the case here with Dave and Mark, and I just really did not want to see John roll up on Dave. And it was so fucking eerie and horrifying. "Do you have a problem with me, Dave?" omg. And he didn't even let Dave answer, he just immediately started shooting?? Give this nigga a chance to answer, hello! And who shoots Dave? He's so nice! And he was wearing a cuddly sweater! Smh

-Steve Carell was really good as du Pont. 

(gpoy)

Like, I stan hard for this performance. It was beyond creepy and disturbing. Everything was killing me: the nose, du Pont's mommy issues, how pathetic he was, that story about how his mom paid the chauffeur's kid to be his friend - it was all so beautiful. And I'm at a loss trying to decide if J.K. Simmons was better than him and deserved the Oscar more. Idk, man. I think I'd probably always lean towards giving it to the one with the fake nose more? I can't even decide if I loved Whiplash more than this. No, I think I loved it slightly more? But du Pont is definitely scarier to me than Fletcher. No, just think: who would you rather wake up to standing at the foot of your bed? Yeah, I know: neither. But if you had to choose, for some reason? Fletcher, right? He'd berate you for your sleeping style, but that's fine compared to whatever du Pont'd be doing. He'd have like one of his stuffed birds perched on his shoulder, trying to pressure it into snorting a line of coke. Maybe he's reciting a love poem he wrote for you to whisper in his ear later? *shudders*

I just checked and imdb tells me Steve Carell was nominated in the best actor category sigh. Do you think I'm erasing all that shit I wrote up there? No, I made some good points. Also, can you believe Eddie Redmayne won? Like, I haven't seen The Theory of Everything - I'm sure it's as Oscar baity as it can be and all the awarrdsssss - but...Eddie is a ginger. His last name is Redmayne. You can't be giving prizes and medals and shits to gingers, they'll start to think we accept them as humans  - we don't, and stop. 

The Five Heartbeats (1991)

I thought this movie was something else. I realized after watching that I had actually been looking for The Temptations. I wanted the sassier Leon movie; instead I made the huge mistake of watching this?? Like, once I realized Michael Wright was the lead singer of the group was when I realized my huge mistake?? lol No, it should've been when I realized Robert Townsend's prints were all over this. I pretty much like Robert Townsend and his shit, but there's no way he's making a cunty musical biopic, which is what I was looking for. Like, this movie is too nice, and hella cheesy? I mean, they had some pretty good ~horrible~ moments, with Big Red showing up to Jimmy's funeral--just Big Red in general, really. Also, killing Jimmy off was pretty extreme? lol okay, but the way he died, though. Did this nigga get skimmed by a fucking garbage truck?? 

Sigh, didn't Robert Townsend make a completely serious version of Blankman? The nigga who made a totally-being-serious version of already sort-of-being-mostly-serious Blankman can not be trusted to bring the juice a faux-biopic about sex, drugs and rocknroll really needs. Like, all this movie had was the drugs?? And only, like, a line of coke that one time lol. This was a fucking after-school special please stop

What I liked: 

-Michael Wright's voice. I guess I forgot that one time they let his crackhead ass sing on Oz? I remember watching Oz and being like: hmm I wonder if this crackhead used to be a singer back in the day? But then immediately not caring because I sort of hated his character on that show super a lot? Like, don't make me feel bad for McManus - he is the worst.

-Leon. Did the casting bitches from Oz watch this movie a lot? lol, chill. Only like two niggas from this shit were on the show. But this movie is totally an Oz reunion fuck whatchu say. Leon and Michael Wright weren't even on at the same time but okay... Also how can you have a reunion for something before it even happens but okaaay. Anyway, I love Leon. He seems like he has a bitchy attitude in real life. And like he wears tired black mom headscarves around set all the time. That is my desired aesthetic. 

-Flash. Idk, this dude is really hot in like a Murray's pomade hair model sort of way. Also, imdb tells me the actor's middle name is Canada? I need more of such nonsense in my life. 

-Diahann Carroll. She's so pretty and I love her. That's it. She should be in more shit. I wonder if Tyler Perry calls her all the time and she's like "lol how did u get this number?" Oh god, her imdb page tells me she was in that movie Peeples. Didn't Titterus Perry produce that? Why have you forsaken me, Diahann?? 

-Big Red/Hawthorne James. 

This nigga is mad scary and looks like he's from New Orleans. Like his people originated from there. Like he's Cajun. Or Creole. I have very offensive, probably not at all true ideas about these types. Lots of ideas about voodoo and witchcraft and shit. Wow, how common of me. I'm gonna go on the actor's imdb page and watch it say he's from Malibu. I'm screaming it doesn't say anything!! This nigga's name is Hawthorne James. If he's not from some creepy deep south ass backwoods, then he is an extraterrestrial. Because's he's not from anywhere else on Earth. Oh, okay...a less lazy, more extensive search tells me he was born in Chicago. No...that...that makes sense. However, I am distraught. 

So, yeah, the cast was pretty legit. It's the movie surrounding them that wasn't totally on-point. Like, it was alright, but definitely not my cup of tea when it comes to these types of films. Maybe I just prefer musical biopics based on actual people? The stakes are higher when it's about real people? Straight-up I just think the writing was cheesy and had Robert & co. done a biopic on Blue Magic or whatever, it'd still be a cheesefest. But...nice try! Ef for effort! UGH!!!

Wrecked (2010)

So the first thirty or so minutes of the movie, Adrien Brody is in a car sort of jerking around and oscillating between irritated groaning and cries of help with brief periods of him going like "Who am I?" in a entirely non-existential way. He also: talks to a corpse in the backseat of said car, steals things from said corpse, and makes several desperate attempts to retrieve a dirty mint from the floor of the car, to eat. Does this sound interesting? Eh, a little? Exactly!!  

Look, I LOVE Adrien Brody, and I don't get the shade the industry gave him after his Oscar win for The Pianist. Is it because of his nose?

I feel like because of his nose he should be respected more, BUT WHATEVER. I always feel weird when people complain about their favorite actors not getting enough love, because it's usually super-famous, super-rich people. Like when people whine about Leo not having an Oscar. That's so annoying to me. Like, he's fine. Adrien doesn't have Leo money, success, nor respect lol, but he does have, to my limited knowledge, all of these things, just not to Leo's extent. So many actors, far more talented than him, don't have any of these things, so I feel weird bitching that he still gets regularly cast in movies and no one cares as much as I think they should. Like, I'm pretty sure he was at the Oscars this year even though he was only in The Grand Budapest Hotel for like ten minutes, doing a parody version of his Dalí act from Midnight in Paris. 

So, anyway, Adrien Brody is the greatest actor to ever live and I don't mind at all watching an entire movie that pretty much only stars him. He had the occasional co-star show up: Caroline Dhavernas, that mountain lion and/or bobcat, and that dog. But we spend the majority of the movie just watching Adrien Brody by himself, sitting places, wondering who he is and how he wound up in his current predicament. Did I rob a bank? Did I murk some bitch? Is the bitch I maybe-murked haunting me? What's all that cash in the trunk? Is this corpse my friend? Would he be cool with me stripping his corpse body? Why do I have amnesia but still I remember I don't like mints, or that I had a dog as a kid :')?? 

I was sort of annoyed when they showed us what ~really~ happened to result in Adrien ending up in that car wreck. I loved his dorky sweater in the flashback, but EYEROLL at him turning out not to be a bad guy. I got comfortable with the fact that I was rooting for a criminal/murderer to get himself to safety. And then you drop the bomb that he's really a "good" guy, and I was like ugh, fine. 

This movie was sort of boring? lol. Why is that funny? Idk, lol is a nervous tick at this point, but seriously, if this movie had not starred one of my "faves", I would have turned it off extra-quick. Why have the mountain lion but I'm never really concerned it's going to attack and mutilate Adrien? Come on! 

Big Hero 6 (2014)

San Fransokyo? lol, this movie was cute. I mean, it was no Monsters, Inc., but it sufficed. I usually can't get into a lot of these animated movies. Like, they're mostly not my cup of tea. I mean, primarily they are for children, so I don't feel weird being like "Eh, okay?" watching shit like Wreck-It Ralph or How to Train Your Dragon. And I know I can't watch shit like Frozen or Minions or whatever the fuck - I just straight-up will hate that shit. But one of the few animated films I really love is Monsters, Inc. for some reason, and the trailers for Big Hero 6 with Hiro fucking around with Baymax gave me, for some reason, Monster's, Inc. vibes. And I was mostly right-ish about that, and I mostly liked this movie. Though I did not love it. Let's talk about why!! 

So, again, San Fransokyo?? This movie was sort of weird with its ~*~ambiguously raced future~*~. I mean, I guess I get what they were trying to do? Because both Tokyo and San Francisco are...like big technology hubs? Right? Or???? mmm, and however, San Fransokyo was more...San Francisco, than it was Tokyo. It was like San Francisco with Tokyo decals on it, which, like, okay. ANNNNNND how come Hiro and Tadashi's parents had to be dead? Their probably interracial commingling ass set of parents had to be conveniently non-existent so their chippery ass white aunt could be the parent placeholder? I just really felt their Asianness was being hella diluted for absolutely no reason. And why couldn't the movie have been just set in Tokyo??? That would have been cool, yeah? You wouldn't even have to do subtitles, as they speak English over there wow!!! Like!! I feel really...annoying and...uncomfortably precious right now...getting irritated over the race stuff in this movie lol. Like it's a kids' movie and they really don't fucking care. But, like, exactly. Kids don't care. Race stuff in the movie could have been way more obvious and way less watered down because kids do not give a shit. Like, all you need is Baymax and they're good. I don't get all the concealing of obvious ethnic markings. But the movie tries to make it look like they're not hiding anything - like, they're being so progressive melding San Francisco and Tokyo together and it's so like THE FUTURE. AMERICA UNITED STATES THE GLOBE 3000. Like, yo, whatever you say. 

AYO, why did Tadashi have to die???!?!?????????????? WHAT KIND OF CHILDREN'S FILM IS THIS??? Like, yeah okay, I get kids aren't dummies, and they know about death and shit, but like, me, personally? I just came here to have a good time and I'm feeling really attacked right now meme. I was feelin' hella emotional about this shit. WHY IS HE DEAD?! Don't tell me it was "necessary" for the rest of the seventy minutes of the movie to unfold, because check no juliet to that. I think that...Tadashi could have lived, and the writers could've been less lazy about having a reason for Hiro to have to become a "hero". I mean, he's what - 14? There's so many other obstacles you could've thrown at a fourteen year old that would cause him to come to account and step forward and prove himself. Like, his one person in life did not need to be ripped away from him. I disagree entirely with his death. And I disagree entirely with Baymax getting ripped away as well!! Like, first this nigga loses his big bro, then he loses the balloon robot his big bro created??? Like, I know Hiro reanimated Baymax at the end, but is it really the same????? It's like cloning your dead spouse. It's weird and how did you come across the technology and tools to do this??? Also Baymax in gen makes me uncomfortable because he is a robot and not a human being, yet Hiro was finding comfort in him. Like it's stated in the beginning that Baymax has no feelings, so why the heck is he acting the exact opposite of this in the movie? It's like he's not a robot but just has a slight touch of Asperger's. He's like Connor on Degrassi, but not, like, soulless. Unlike Connor, who was. idk, all this death and then robot-replacing-brother-figure stuff really made me uncomfortable. I wonder if kids watching this cared or if they were just like "lol Baymax" and didn't give a fuck about Tadashi DYING IN A FUCKING FIRE. Lowkey, he deserved to die. Who runs into a burning building? Stop trying to be a hiro, Tadashi. haha get it??

:(

:(((

What else did I hate about this movie? lol. No, no...I didn't hate anything. I simply...disagreed with many aspects. Like...what was up with...Alistair Krei and Robert Callaghan? Like, their characters in general??? I just kept thinking...are kids paying attention to their scenes?? It was very...generic spy thriller movie. You know how in live-action action films there are always these random white villains in suits and the ~hero~ has to save the world from their evil business plan?? Like, that's always super-boring in those movies...I'm confused why that was recreated here in the world of animation, where you can literally create ANY sort of villain. Like, really, rich businessmen??? Okay like????? I DID, however, like the kabuki mask monster thing Callaghan created.

Like, this shit was scary. Though it felt 1. lowkey inappropriate for a children's film and 2. highkey racist. But maybe I'm missing the mark on both fronts, so I'll fall back on this one and just stick to saying I was into the high-drama of Callaghan's created monster. BUT WHY IS CALLAGHAN WALKING AROUND OUT HERE LIKE THIS? It's so bizarre? Like, his target is exclusively Alistair for presumably, unintentionally murking his daughter. Why is Callaghan all out here acting like he wants to watch the world burn or some shit? Like, why is he straight-up trying to kill Hiro & co.??? I get they were sort of in his way, but fam, chillllllllllll. And I totally supported Hiro wanting to kill Callaghan because fuck that, he got his brother killed, and did the other team members forget CALLAGHAN WAS TRYING TO KILL THEM?!?!? Yo, get out of here with that moral super--oh, this is...right, this a children's film. RIGHT? SO WHY DID YOU KILL TADASHI?!?!?! lol, I'm...I'm not letting that go. Is there going to be a sequel? Like, I'll watch. Primarily for Baymax. And also fingers-crossed for a Tadashi reanimation. Like Hiro creates some shit that'll bring him back to life.

It's like, all this hotness wasted - and for what?!

Gimme Shelter (2013)

I thought this movie was going to be trash, but it actually turned out to be pretty good...I think. I can't tell if I think it's good because it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be...or if it was genuinely good. Mmmm...there was a lot of awkward acting and a ton of clichés and tropes. Vanessa fucking Hudgens carries the movie??? QQ: Do I like Vanessa Hudgens? Idk. Maybe??? Like, lowkey she ended up being my fave thing in Spring Breakers. lol no, my third fave: after Alien, and that "Everytime" sequence, but still, I liked her in that. Remember when all Vanessa Hudgens was was that whack friend Tracy was kickin' it with before she met Evie???? And then she was in High School Musical and I was like "lol" @ everything she was involved with in that period and hitherto??? Nah, but Spring Breakers sort of changed all that. Actually, Gimme Shelter did?? Like Spring Breakers made me go "huh..." and then I watched this and sort of was into her and now I may/may not be looking forward to any future projects she may be involved with????? Only if they're indies, tho! I refuse a ~*~mainstream~*~ slightly-Hispanic Megan Fox-ish career for V Hudg. No thanx. Keep this vaguely latina in the low budgets arena, she's doing slightly surprising work. 

HOWEVER, HER ACCENT. What was her accent? V Hudg is playing some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Agnes aka Apple. Real quick: I had no idea this movie was based on a true story until the end of the film when they were showing the real life people pictures. And I loled because it seemed like all the real life people were white...but they were played by like all ethnic-types in the film. That filled me with joy. Or maybe real-life Apple was a sort of white-passing Latina such as V Hudg herself, but the pic of that real-life priest was definitely a white person but lol he was played by James Earl Jones in the film. Wait - has James Earl Jones been lowkey white this entire time and I'm only now realizing it? You know what I am also only now realizing? James Earl Jones is still fucking alive. 

So V Hudg plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Agnes aka Apple. I honestly prefer the name Agnes, because old racist people names are my fave, but Agnes prefers to go by "Apple", which is the name of, like, Gwyneth Paltrow's daughter. And, like, a fruit. If I had to be named after a fruit, I'd choose Tangerine, because it sounds prostitutey. Like, a hooker from the eighties just blatantly walking around with AIDS lesions all over her forehead and shit. That is my desired aesthetic. So anyway! Vanessa Hudgens plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Apple! Her mom is Rosario Dawson, and she looks a fucking fool. 

Look. 

Why does she look like Meryl Streep in the trailers for Into the Woods?? I only saw the trailers. Because why would I...why would I watch that actual whole movie hmmm?? Why are her teeth...like gold-colored?? Or like...kidney disease piss colored? That shit is odious as fuck. If you can't tell, because why would you, Rosario is a DRUG ADDICT. Is this what drug addicts look like? First off, her makeup game is suspiciously on-point for a sloppy ass drug addict. Like, her eyes and lips match, and the lipstick is applied perfectly??? Also, despite the vaguely disheveled hair and straight-up jaundice-plated teeth, she still looks really pretty??? I mean, if you're going to hire some bitch to play a drug addict, go for an actor bitch who already sort of looks like one. A Lindsay Lohan, perhaps? What is she doing? Add some chola brows on that bitch and she can play a vaguely-Latina's mom any day! WHY DO PEOPLE REFUSE TO CAST LINDSAY LOHAN WHEN SHE IS 100% PERFECT FOR A ROLE, HMMM? Or you could have drudged up Courtney Love's erratic ass. Or? Is it because they're actual drug addict-y types that they can't be hired? Due to liabilities, etc? Also, why did I just name two white people when they were clearly going for some diversity gold stars here? idk. Marc Anthony?? sigh, I'm tired. Why am I trying to fix a movie that I mostly liked? And Rosario was good, right? As the mom? She was a fucking monster and I lived. But I wonder if it was over the top? lol. Sort of in that Precious vein of..."but does this really happen???" LIKE. SHE SHOWS UP LATER IN THE FILM WITH A RAZOR IN HER TEETH TO CUT APPLE ON THE CHEEK. Mother of the year??? It was really extra. 

So anyway! Vanessa Hudgens plays some teenage runaway homeless bitch named Apple! Her mom is Rosario Dawson! Rosario is a drug addict! Apple has to leave Rosario because she's a drug addict!! Apple goes to her dad's house. Her dad is Brendan Fraser -_-

Look at him. Lowkey, I was into this look. But yo, remember when Brendan Fraser was like, super hot? So hot I used to get him confused with one of the London brothers. I thought they were London triplets haha! Remember when the London brothers?? Remember??? 

Brendan is like rich and white and livin' it up. Apple and her vaguely latina poor homeless bitch dinginess shows up unannounced and cramps his style. Well, at least his wife's style, who is soooo not into Apple being there. Also, was the wife Latina as well? I thought I detected an accent, but she looked white as shit. I mean, the flipped unhinged soccer mom hair and everything. I think it makes it worse if she was also Latina, and going so hard against Apple. Like, she abandoned that bitch at the abortion clinic. First, she's a kid, so no. Don't do that. And also, where's the Hispanic bitches solidarity? It was so...off-putting to me that she was immediately like "I want her out of here!" @ Apple. Again, she's a kid, she has no one, Brendan is her dad - what are you talking about? But I guess it was realistic? It made me mad, though, because I just wasn't in the mood to watch Apple have to leave their home and go live on the streets, which is exactly what happened sigh. 

Apple is only living on the streets briefly, though. She's out there for like a day before some nigga in a SUV tries to like kidnap her or something???? Apple ends up stealing his car and then crashing it?????? She ends up in the hospital??? Oh, wait, did I mention Apple is pregnant?? That's...yeah because up there I said that thing about abortion clinic. Brendan and his bitch were all like to Apple "lol u need to kill that baby" and so they sort of forced her to go get it terminated, stating if she didn't, they wouldn't allow her to continue living with them. She ends up running away from the abortion clinic at the last minute and that's how she ends up on the streets and the car thing and then the hospital thing. Her baby is okay, though. James Earl Jones tells her. He's a priest and he's like, trying to save apl.de.app, I guess? 

Remember when Apple was in the hospital room eating, and

she heard flushing sounds??????

???????

She was like "????????" and then James Earl Jones came out the bathroom and she was all *eyeroll* "You're still here?" and in that moment, I swear they were infinite. Or, like, I knew James E was going to become Apple's guardian angel. He ended up becoming one of many, and thank god this movie turned out to be sort of uplifting instead of the non-stop depressionthon I fucking thought it was going to be. Like, thank god he ended up getting Apple in touch with some bitch who runs a shelter for domestic violence victims. And of course Apple gets there and starts settling in and a problem arises because it's discovered her mother won't sign her over to the shelter. And I'm like "SIGH" but then thank god again, because Rosario shows up acting a fool, and this enables the head shelter bitch to be able to legally keep Apple and I'm just like praise allah. This was one of the few times I was glad I wasn't watching a foreign film. Like, usually I love that foreign films go really hard. They'll just sit up here and be relentless as fuck for no reason and I get my life. But here, I just really wanted Apple to prosper and thrive and for her and her baby to be okay and for her to not ever be abused again. 

Like why was I SO. HAPPY. when she tried on that coat? I think maybe I teared up???? She was trying on some natty old hand me down fucking down jacket and I was really getting into my feelings. She like snuggled into it and shit? Snuggled into my heart, you mean? NO, HONESTLY, WAS V HUDG LIKE LEGIT GOOD IN THIS, OR NAH? But her accent, tho??? What was that accent? Vaguely Hispanic meets vague Eastern US Urban City? Like, um, okay???? I mean, you tried???? 

But I'll ignore the accent because she gave me a mostly good, non High School Musical, basic friend bitch from Thirteen ass performance. 

LIKE

REMEMBER WHEN SHE HAD HER BABY???? KILLLLLL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. No, V Hudg definitely had me in my feelings the entire movie. I honestly don't want to be a fan, it just happened sigh. I'm a fan now siiiiiiigh. 

Omg, remember when all the girls were sitting around talking about the race of their babies' daddies and Apple was all "My baby's father is black" and that black girl mocked her like "My baby's father". lol Apple, you urban street hood faker. 

REMEMBER WHEN BRENDAN FRASER AND HIS MAYBE LATINA WIFE SHOWED UP AFTER APPLE HAD HER BEBE AND WERE ALL COOING OVER IT AND SHIT AND BRENDAN HAD THE AUDACITY TO BE CRADLING THE BABY LIKE "I NEVER GOT TO DO THIS WITH YOU"??? I HATED THAT SCENE. THEY ARE SUCH FAKE HOES OMG. NOT A FEW MONTHS AGO THEY WAS TRYNA ABORT LIL' APPLE AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY GOOGLY EYEING OVER IT AND SHIT. I WOULD NEVER LET EITHER OF THEM BITCHES HANDLE MY BABY THEY TRIED TO FLUSH DOWN THE SEWERS - FUCK OUTTA HERE. AND BRENDAN! YOU "NEVER GOT TO DO THIS" WITH APPLE BECAUSE YOU DECIDED TO GO TO COLLEGE INSTEAD OF BEING IN HER LIFE, AND LEFT HER TO SOME FUCKING STRUNG-OUT DEMON BITCH WHO CLEARLY HAS NEVER BEEN INFORMED OF THE EXISTENCE OF CREST WHITESTRIPS. SO PLEASE WITH ALL OF THAT!!

BUT THAT NURSERY THEY GAVE HER, THO! Way to make up for trying to kill her fucking baby :') 

REMEMBER WHEN BRENDAN'S FAKE ASS SON WAS PLAYING NICE WITH APPLE AT THAT PARTY THEY THREW HER? BUT REMEMBER HOW EARLIER IN THE FILM HE WAS ALL

??????????????????????? This family is full of fake hoes, and I am here to expose all of them. 

REMEMBER WHEN FAKE ASS BRENDAN'S FAKE ASS SON

SEXILY DAPPED WHIPPED CREAM ON BRENDAN'S NOSE AND THEN SEDUCTIVELY SUCKED SOME OFF HIS FINGER?????? AND THEN 

WIPED BRENDAN'S NOSE OFF LIKE HE WAS HIS WIFE??? LIKE THE SON WAS THE WIFE AND BRENDAN IS HIS EMBARRASSING SLOPPY HUSBAND? HE GAVE BRENDAN A LOOK LIKE "Get your cavemen ass together - we have guests." WHAT WAS THIS MOMENT IN THE MOVIE?!?!?!

REMEMBER WHEN

APPLE DECIDED NOT TO GO HOME WITH BRENDAN TO THAT BRAND SPANKING NEW NURSERY IN THEIR MANSE??? INSTEAD SHE WAS GOING TO STAY AT THE WOMEN'S SHELTER??? AREN'T WOMEN'S SHELTERS, LIKE, TRANSITIONAL HOMES??? LIKE, YOU CAN'T JUST STAY INDEFINITELY, RIGHT? DON'T OTHER PEOPLE NEED BEDS?? I realize the particular shelter in this movie might be different because it was actually the head of the shelter's home - like, her house. But, still. Isn't the point to get these women back on their feet? Apple has a new home with her fake ass RICH ASS family - why the fuck would she return to the women's home? Like, I get it, okay - she wasn't ready to live with Brendan, the ladies at the shelther felt more like a real familia to her blah blah. But, come on. As rich as those whiteys were, she could've made them feel like her "real" family, real fucking quick. BUT OKAY, WHATEVER YOU SAY, MOVIE, THAT WAS APPARENTLY BASED ON SOME REAL LIFE ACTUAL SHIT THAT HAPPENED WHAT. THE. FUCK.