Porn 4 Me: Starred Up (2013)

This movie has...multiple things that I am very much here for. 

1. Ben Mendelsohn, my queen. I am obsessed with him to the point that it's getting illegal-seeming. And why does he maybe look like something that would be from Whoville but maybe exiled to whatever their version of a leper colony would be??? And why does that make me love him so much more than all the other plebeian actors who exist with the exception of like Tom Hardy and Eva Green and a bunch of other people lol but you get the point. He's top tier in my heart and he's here and I want to fucking die. Like, and he's not only just here. He's playing 

2. Jack O'Connell's fucking daddy. Yo, I love Jack O'Connell. Like, solely off the strength of Skins. Wow what else have I seen him in to make this less bad??? Eden Lake??? oh god is that it??? He was in This Is England but I don't remember him ugh I only remember that little fat kid and Rudy from Misfits helllp. But I love him and when I first found out this movie existed I think maybe I shit my pants? Let's pretend I'm being hyperbolic. 

So these are two very super-amazing things and really all I need to know. Like you don't need to sell me further information about the film because Ben Mendelsohn playing Jack O'Connell's father is fucking all I ever needed in my life. Like, I was born to see that, so. But then! But then you throw in some extra shit!!

3. PRISON SHIT. These niggas are in prison. Man-rapey ass prison. Except this is in Britain or something and I don't think their prisons do man-rape. Which is lowkey a bummer. But still, prison! I both love and hate prison shit. Like have you ever seen Oz? That show will fuck you up. And it's one of my favorites of all time but I really...I really feel wrong about declaring that. Another one of my favorite prison things is this James Cagney movie Each Dawn I Die. Yo, be still my beating heart, fo real. James Cagney totally falls in love with George Raft and that is 100% all that movie is about try to fucking tell me differently. Sometimes, though, prison stuff just makes me mad. Shit like Dog Pound. See also: Oz. Like, all that fucking violence really gets to me. Aww boo hoo or whatever, but seriously. Like, I don't want to see people get repeatedly punched in the face and like beaten with sticks and shit what don't you understand orrrrrrrr?????????? So prison stuff will give me horrible violence shit but then they'll also give me

4. GAY SHIT. I'm only a little mad I didn't get any anal penetration please engrave that on my tombstone. But Starred Up definitely delivered on gay shit, and not just like obviously gay stuff with Benny Mendy kissing on his bunkmate. They also gave me ~the other~ type of gay shit: like man emotions and all that jazz. Bro hugs and bro tears and shit. And I praise this movie very much for doing an almost mostly good job at making a prison movie tailor-made for my very specific, disgusting, highly disturbing sensibilities. 

Okay so instead of ~recapping~ this movie or whatever I'll just write little commentary for the embarrassing amount of screenshots I took while watching. I TRIED SO HARD TO NOT. I wanted to really not and honestly I am very proud of myself for holding back and not just pressing the camera button thing on my keypad every time Jack O'Connell was walking around in a sweatshirt which is like 77% of the movie when he isn't showering or inexplicably wearing a hazmat suit??? But. I did take a bunch of screenshots. So I will post them now and ugh sigh write shit about them sigh die. 

So. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do these inmates have access to razors and like lighters? Come on, Britain. I could see if this was Canada. Like, what is some little bag of milk drinking French Canadian fairyboy going to do with a toothbrush besides keep their oral hygiene up to date?? Britain has chavs and street tuffs. People from council estates who seem even worse than American White Trash because how are you ghetto but your country has a Queen??? Liiiiiiiiiiiiike, get your life really fucking together, please! Anyway I took this screenshot because I was just wondering why he had access to these items. Also in his little kit he had like gummi bears and a boombox AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW ALL THE CELLS HAD LIKE FULL-ON KITCHEN SET-UPS WITH LIKE KETTLES AND TEA AND MUGS AND SUGAR. The fucking works, b. Does that happen in America? I can definitely see that happening at white collar prisons, but not some prison like this with niggas locked up for murder and assault and shit. But, again, they don't do man-rape in the British penal system, so I guess tea kettles are cool. But razors, tho??? Come on. Wait I feel like they have razors in American prisons too because remember on Oz how everyone had like a shiv so yeaaaaah nvm

7:49. I really thought I was doing something waiting until like seven minutes in before screencapping shit. And screencapping it horribly because wtf is this. But I thought it was amusing he had like two bottles of fucking baby oil. WHAT IS THAT FOR, MY PAL? Okay, so maybe he uses it to moisturize his skin after shower time. Later in the movie, tho, Jack's character Eric uses like both bottles to clean up a bunch of blood from his cell and also to slather his body in to make it more difficult for the swat team to capture him??????????????????????????????????? No mention is made, however, of the bebe oil being used as a masturbatory aid. Hmmm come to think, no one ever masturbates in this movie lol okay person who wrote this. Okay. Whatevvvvvveeeeerrr you sayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. 

SO THIS IS WHEN BENNY MENDY FINALLY SHOWS UP AND I WANTED TO DIE BECAUSE HE IS LIKE IMMEDIATELY ORDERING JACK O'CONNELL AROUND AND I WAS LIKE UGH. I thought it was weird how easily Eric caved to his dad and how quickly scared he'd get. Like, you're supposed to be ~tuff~. It was a little obvious, but also, I guess, true. And it made sense that the one person who could really get to Eric would be his dad. Like, his Achilles heel, I guess. But I did really think it was funny how teenagey he seemed in his presence. Like he's trying so hard to be a thug and then his daddy comes around and he's getting all snivelly - I. DIED. Can we also fucking talk about how Ben Mendelsohn's character is named Neville? STOP. 

I almost didn't take a screenshot of this, but Eric has his teeth latched on this dude's dick for like five minutes straight. It was continuing so long that it was becoming too funny to me so I was like no I need a picture of this lol. But it's like an ~~intense~~ scene, so I was trying to stay in the ~~intensity~~ of the moment and not be weird and take pictures of this and laugh, but I couldn't hold it in ugh. Eric is insane and I don't know how he wasn't immediately put into solitary confinement like what is this how do you work Britain do you think you are Canada orrr. No, why do I keep shading Canada as if I didn't watch Dog Pound and want to kill myself afterward hmmm?? Omg can you imagine Atom Egoyan making some terrible prison movie? There would, 100%, be man-rape, and it'd be the worst man-rape ever to man-rape onscreen. But also it'd be an Atom Egoyan film. What to do what to do. If he casts Ryan Reynolds as a sadistic warden in another vain attempt to get him some Oscar love I will absolutely fucking watch that mess. Please cast a bunch of ambiguous Asian-looking Eskimo types, and like a bunch of Iranian-types with curly hair and they're so delicate and child molesters. Ugh I should be Atom Egoyan, I'd be so much better at it. 

Eric basically beats up the Crazy Eyes of this prison. Come on, fam. Who fucks up Crazy Eyes? Who are you - Vee? Ugh, I wish. Pour one out for Vee, for real. But I liked this^ scene and the shit that follows with Eric stealing gum or whatever from that guy's room and then like hiding in his cell and laughing at the dude going around yelling WHO FUCKED WITH MY SHIT or whatever. Ugh, Jack O'Connell's teeth are my sexual orientation maybe??? So proud of myself for not screenshotting, like, just his teeth and that's it. Plz can I be normal? Plz can someone else out here be making a Jack O'Connell's Tiny Shark Teeth scrapbook so I don't have to??? Like sell that shit on Etsy or whatever and I can buy it. I feel less-worse buying it than actually making it myself? Wait - but, why?????? 

This was when Neville like interrupted the ~~group~~ thing Rupert Friend does with some of the inmates, to tell Eric to behave. I don't know exactly what this group thing is. They call it "class", I think, but there's no like book learning or anything like that. It seems pretty straightforwardly an unofficial group therapy sort of thing. For the guys with anger issues, whom I think Rupert ~sees something~ in. Like, they can be salvaged or whatever. I think this is the first time Eric goes to class and Neville is on his ass to listen and follow instructions and not fuck up. Eric is smoking in class and Rupert is like "no smoking" but Eric keeps smoking so Neville bursts in and gets all in his face and it's super embarrassing for Eric and I think Rupert tells Neville to leave and lol afterwards he's like ^[that face] "Who was that?" It was so funny to me omg. Like Rupert's clenched jaw and O'Connell's sad little embarrassed face ugggggggggggh. I hate this movie please stop existing pleassseeeeekjnrnek. 

Should I talk about Rupert? Too lazy to look up his character's name which I don't remember so I will just call him Rupert omg his actual human name is Rupert. So, like, what was his deal? I couldn't figure him out. Lowkey, but secretly highkey, I thought he was ~~~~~~in love~~~~~~ with Eric. Which is...I don't think anyone involved in the making of this movie was going for that but...remember towards the endish when that Older Will Poulter looking dude pulled Eric out of group and Rupert is all like "I want him!" Yo. That was hella weird, right? The woman director person or whatever was like "You need to control yourself" and I completely laughed. She was like "you're getting too involved" or attached or whatever and it made me side-eye Rupert a lot? But I was, like, the whole film. WHO. THE FUCK. DOES THIS JOB. FOR FREE?????????? HMMMM??????????? Yeah, okay, Rupert's grammy left him some money when she died so I guess he doesn't need a paycheck. BUT WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO VOLUNTEER AT A PRISON WORKING IN THESE HOSTILE ASS CONDITIONS FOR FREE SON WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? And seriously, there was something wrong with him, right? He said he was sent away in his youth to boarding school and I assumed for anger problems, similar to the inmates he's trying to "help". Rupert says he felt like he ~belonged~ there working at the prison and it just seems like a really fucked up thing to say and I felt it went beyond him trying to help people who are like how he was when he was younger. Or, maybe he's still a rageaholic and...helping people like him keeps his temper in check?? Like it's his therapy just as much as theirs?? Okay so maybe I worked it out with myself and I'm less suspicious. But "less suspicious" like now I'm at 60% side-eyeing when I was...98? before???? 

This was when Eric was taking a shit.

This is Neville's ~roommate~. Before they showed him I was praying to Allah that he'd be hot. I read some interview thing with Ben Mendelsohn before watching this where he said that his character was maybe supposed to do gay stuff with his bunkmate, so I was really prepared and ready, but I was dreading that they'd bring out some Eddie Marsan-looking type of bridge troll to be Benny Mendy's fuck friend and I was like god, please, no. Like I love Eddie but please no. I was...into his kissing shit in The Disappearance of Alice Creed, but also at the same time maybe I don't ever need to see that again???????????? 

Anyway, this dude is hot, so thank you, movie. Thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!! Muah mwah thank yoooouuuuouoououou merciiiiiiiiiiii

Sooooooooooooo I took like five caps of Neville and his cute ass roommate's fucking ~~passionate embrace~~~. UGH, I WAS SO. EXCITED. I love how every gay thing in movies there's always this manly aggression about it. How is gay sex like not the best sex???? Why can't I be a man just to do gay sex????? It's like tag football but naked? wow that sounds fucking terrible. Also what   have I       fuckking done???? Why do I keep living hmm??????? 

Neville was like roughly gripping his ears stahhhhhp itttt be nice to your boyfriennnnnnndddd

Then Ben Mendelsohn made some like weird little low growly sound GOD HOW FUN THIS SCENE MUST'VE BEEN TO FILM LOL OMGGMGMGMG

Why am I so immature hmm??

It's weird that I don't actually just watch straight-up gay porn. Idk, seems like it might be really gimmicky?? Also, please dude, CLOSED-EYES KISSES ONLY. Or wait - are open eye kisses MORE INTIMATE AND GAY??????????? I want to always do whatever is the creepiest/most awkward, so now I am #TeamEyesOpenedKisses. Turn up.

Wow, I wish I knew how to ~gif~ so I could have a gif of when Eric was in Neville and his boyfriend's bunk and the boyfriend like rubbed Neville's knee AND THEN ERIC'S SUBSEQUENT HORRIFIED/DISGUSTED RESPONSE. uggggggh it was evverryytthhiinngn I evvverrr neeeeeeded. And Neville's little "it's prison" shrug. STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP 

THIS. WAS WHEN. ERIC ACCUSED RUPERT. OF BEING A PEDO. (PAEDO??). I laughed. And Rupert looked guilty as hell. Also, Eric, you're 19. TOO OLD AND GROSS NOW TO BE MOLESTED LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A SEXY TEN YEAR OLD. :(

This is Hassan and...the African. lol no let me go look his name up. Like Trevor or some shit. Tyrone. Coolcococl. Anyway, they were hot so that's why this^ picture. Especially Hassan, yo. Like, look at that beard ugh helpppeppepe mememee this movie has ruinnnnnneddd my liiiiiiife. Wait but why is this the shittiest screencap I could have taken of them ugh I am seriously useless 

Let's talk about Peter Ferdinando. He's playing like some dude who runs the prison, but he's an inmate???? I wanted to take a screenshot of him earlier on because his look is insane with that slicked-back black hair and this fucking gold chain he's rocking and that facial hair lol just everything. But I refrained because I was trying so hard to be normal omg it was so hard and obviously I 1,000% failed. Here^ Eric sort of walks up while Peter is chatting with one of his associates and they just immediately stop talking and Peter is giving Eric SO MUCH FUCKING SIDE-EYE. It killlllllllllleeddd meee. Peter's character was really interesting/weird/sort of scary and I just sort of lived for him. And maybe I live for Peter now? I've only seen him really in this and Tony but he's been super-intriguing in both so maybe I have a new obsession ugh I already have like a thousand wow why is life so hard jesus why have you forsaken me am I not your child or wait is it God who's everyone's dead beat daddy????????????????? Figures. 

Hassan was making tea here and Eric asks for like a thousand sugars in his and Tyrone gives him that^ look. It was funny ugh

NO.

GOD THIS WAS SO FUCKING CUTE CAN THIS MOVIE SHUT THE FUCK UP PLEASE.

NO: PART II, FAM. NO: PART II. 

My overall review: THERE'S SOME SHIT IN MY EYE. OR, ALLERGIES???? LYME DISEASE? IT'S ALMOST ALWAYS FUCKING LYME DISEASE. 

:(

Short Term 12 (2013)

Bruh. 

First of all, I was not prepared for this. Idk what the fuck I thought was going to go down in this movie, but I'm annoyed it wasn't titled You Will Get in Your Fucking Feelings, so I could avoid this mess entirely. Mostly kidding. Like, I love getting in my feelings, but a cool heads up would have been nice. Like, you can just tell by a summary or trailer or whatever that a movie will fuck you up, but I didn't really know too much about this movie beforehand, so I went in way too open. My guards weren't up at all and I'm a little salty about it whatever no I'll get over it no I'm fine. It's fine. 

Okay so before I get into talking in my unintelligible vernacular about this shit, can we all just take a moment to remember when Brie Larson was like some random popstar??? Right??? Her and Skye Sweetnam????????????????? No this happened, right? I will go look it up right fucking now and there better be proof I hope I didn't dream this shit. 

YES!

THIS! FINALLY OUT OF P.E.!! LIKE, WHAT?!!??! No, she was like 15. Also I don't think I've ever actually heard any of these songs but I will embarrass myself by saying I'm pretty sure her videos played during Degrassi marathon commerical breaks on TeenNick. Hmmmmm. I probably used those moments to take shits and get like bagels with cream cheese on them or frozen pizzas that I'd put a ton of extra cheese on. Wait - what am I doing? I just wanted you to know my idea of afterschool "snacks" were like full-on carb-loaded meals and also that I regularly, religiously watched Degrassi marathons. There weren't even enough Degrassi episodes back then for marathons to be acceptable, were there?? Like they played the same episodes over and over again. Not the Manny abortion one though because 'murica. But definitely that one where Rick pushed Terry in that cinderblock garden. Actually, they didn't play that one enough. Ugh, I miss Rick. 

ANYWAY!!! Still talking about Brie Larson! I loved her on United States of Tara. Like, I loved that show wholly and was annoyed af that it was cancelled but they kept Nurse Jackie. Look, I love Nurse Jackie. Or, I love Jackie and Merritt Wever but hate everything else???? United States of Tara was just a far superior show but like thirteen people watched it ugh whatever people have no fucking common sense seriously. Anyway I loved Brie. But like I wasn't thinking about her entering the pool of ~serious young actors~~ you know? I wasn't looking at her like she was Carey Mulligan, or Mia Wasikowska or whatever. So to see her in this movie killing it: I was...happily surprised? And now I'm excited to start watching her career? I read in some profile of hers (actually it was an almost-embarrassing profile she did with Shailene Woodley. Like it was cute but they're...*special*) that she got the Ma role in the movie adaptation of that grating ass book Room? Look I only read like 40 pages of that mess because that little boy made me want to throttle his simple ass, but it really does seem like it'd make a cool movie, so I'm pumped. Ugh, who says pumped? 

So Brie killed me in this. She plays Grace, who...I'm not entirely sure what this place is. It's like a holding center or some shit for bad ass kids? Like a group home for bad kids, and I guess a lot of them have been abandoned by their families. I can't tell what sort of requirements you need to have the sort of job Grace has. Is this like whale training at Sea World? Where you have all these insane ass responsibilites but literally anyone can walk in to apply and you get paid like 10 dollars an hour and then someone ends up getting their legs eaten off and it's like: this job should be more complicated to get. There should be more training and...the pay should be like a million dollars a year??? Maybe????? But anyway, Grace is a "supervisor"...of these little hoodlums. The movie opens up on Rami Malek's first day working at the center. Mason, Grace's beau and co-worker, is telling some story of some kid who escaped the center and Mason followed him around until he shit his pants?? And then this got the kid to come back to the center so he could tell everyone about Mason shitting his pants?? How does this cute story end? The kid escapes again and is found two days later dead in the bushes yay!! 

Let's just talk about Rami Malek real quick. Let's talk about when Jayden spit on his face and he got all disgusted and horrified and rubbed Purell on the infected area. Let's just talk about the screenshots of that I took. 

Look at his pants and his belt and shirt

Hand sanitizer is very drying. I don't think a person like the character Rami plays would ever put some shit like that on his face. He probably uses like Kiehl's or La Mer on his face. No way is he fucking up his cell turnover with an alcohol-based product like that - let's just keep it real. I want (no, need) authenticity in my films. 

And then Marcus came through giving Rami hella side-eye. Glorious. 

My thing is: why didn't Rami run screaming after Mason told that story about the kid he followed? I don't know, I guess it wasn't that horrible, but Rami seemed horrified. And then when that adorable little ginger boy came running out and they had to chase him down??? Rami looked fucking terrified and I was totally him. Like the faces he was making I was making and I sure as shit would have bounced, fuck all that. Or like when he introduced himself to the kids and said how he always wanted to work with ~underprivileged youths~ and Marcus was like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN??? I would have been like lol byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Byeeeeeeeeeee. Bye byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Like, no thank you. Rami's character really struck me as someone ~doing charity~. Like, he straight up just said that. This was a temporary thing for him, so it was weird he put up with all the crazy shit happening. Why didn't he quit and go work at an upscale soup kitchen in Silverlake or some shit handing out that tea with tapioca balls in it to poor hipsters because ball tea is like so 2000 and late??? Well anyway I'm glad he didn't leave because I love Rami and I'm just really happy I got to see him rub hand sanitizer on his face. New fetish? Or one I always harbored that was hidden but then awakened?? Either way, thank you. 

Wait - why is this ~review~ so disjointed? Anyway let's talk about Marcus!!! So lowkey the true star of this shit was Keith Stanfield/Marcus. 

Right away he was killing me with his deep ass voice and his anger and I was just like: ugh, oh boy, here we go. Marcus is turning 18 soon and I can't even fucking imagine what that's like for ~orphans~. Like, do they not get starter packs or anything from the government??? What do they do like where do they go wtf? Someone brings up birthday plans but Marcus just asks if he can shave his head. And I'm like: ugh, is his only option to go into the Army? That or...for some reason him wanting to shave his head made me think he was going to kill himself? I don't know why I connected a shaved head...to suicide? I don't even think I'm right, despite the fact that Marcus did end up making an attempt on his life later in the film. But the shaved head thing was just...for some reason, making me really upset and sad. And just his body language and performance was killing me and I was like uggggggggggggh. AND THAT SCENE WHEN HE RAPPED. Kill me please. Omg. And then after Marcus was finished Mason was like "....I don't know what to say, man". Yeah it's like really clear anyone off the streets can just walk in and apply for this job lol because seriously. That rap was horrifying but also at the same time I was like: okay where da mixtape at? Like, thinking in sort of an urbanish tone????????? 

I'm glad...he had a happy ending because I was not expecting that. The whole time watching this movie I just got the vibe all bad things were going to happen and it would end on some bullshit. You're giving me Marcus, you're giving me Jayden and her horrifiying octopus leg eating shark "children's story"; you're giving me cutting scars, you're giving me multiple sexually and physically abused individuals; you're giving me Brie Larson looking hella depressed no matter what. Like, she's holding a baby and a cupcake at separate points in the film and all she's giving me is "please release me from my misery". This movie was just giving me a lot of fucking pain and sadness and I just assumed multiple people would end up dead or having irrevocably fucked up their lives--OKAY LIKE AFTER MARCUS TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF AND MASON AND GRACE TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL AND GRACE IS ALL "I CAN'T DO THIS" AND LEAVES. And then outside in the parking lot she's trying to get on her bike and Mason is like "no, we'll just ride together" AND YOU COULD JUST TELL GRACE WAS GOING TO SAY SOME LIFE-ENDING SHIT TO HIM. AND SHE DID. And Mason's face is like

He's just staring at her like this AND I WANTED TO THROW UP. I hate this movie seriously. Like it was good but I wish it would burn to the fucking ground. No, you know, I felt like that at this^ point and when Grace was fired - but the end...ugh thank god was...uplifting. Jesus, thank god because I was really getting fucking pissed off lol it was just too much. However, had it ended...on a bad note I probably still would've been here for it because I do love unhappy endings but idk this is a rare instance where a "nicer" ending was very much fucking welcome. Like maybe I almost cheered seeing little gingerboy tie that flag around him and come running out of the building???? 

Ugh, this movie, yo. 

This is the type of shit that should be getting Oscar noms, no????? At least for acting???? But, no, I know that shit is all politics and if your studio or whatever can afford a campaign fine whatever. But it would be nice to see more movies like this up for nominations. I'm sure it got other awards, especially Brie, probably, right? I read a lot about her performance in this when this movie first came out so that's good it was recognized in some way. And I'm hella excited to see what else she'll be doing. Not going to see The Gambler tho lol stop that. 

The Taking of Deborah Logan (2014)

So often I am disappointed in horror films. It's one of my favorite genres, but like, for no reason because I hate like 98% of its output. I'm sort of masochisty, though, so I like to torture myself constantly watching horror even though I know I'll likely end up hating it so fucking much. Though I prefer to really hate something rather than have it be like "eh". That was me @ The Taking of Deborah Logan. 

So Deborah Logan is some old bitch and apparently she has Alzheimers. Her daughter, Sarah, has contacted some documentary film crew to...come...film her mom? Because? Something about grant money. Sarah says her mom needs money to keep her house, so, I guess that's why she's selling her out to this film crew???? RIGHT AWAY I was suspicious of Sarah and her motives and I thought this would turn into a daughter poisoning/gaslighting her mommy thing. AND THAT WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN AN INTERESTING MOVIE and whhhhyyyyy do I always do this, souping myself up with way better plots and shit when clearly these filmmakers just want to be basic and do the same demon possession bullshit that has been done 1,038,973 times before ugh. 

So here's how this basic ass movie unfolds: Deborah has Alzheimers. A documentary crew is filming her for whatever reason. I guess they're making a movie about Alzheimers patients cool beans. WEIRD SHIT starts to happen. Like, idk, Deborah ripping chunks of her neck off with her own hands?? And, she like, throws up a bunch of worms??? THEN there's some shit about some dude in the 70s who murdered four girls and then he disappeared. And, sigh, I guess Deborah killed him because his next victim was going to be Sarah?? This dude has been fucking waiting. His corpse or spirit or whatever. The minute Deborah's brain weakens, he pounces and possesses her. Like, the movie explains this dude can possess Deborah because she has Alzheimers lol okay whatever. Apparently demons or whatever pray on the weak and kids and, according to every other demon possession movie I've ever seen, literally anyone. So spare me with that ~~~~fresh~~~ and ~~~new~~~ Alzheimers brain excuse. Like, I don't even care, man. This was all so formula and I was gagging and not in a good way, ma'am. And then this movie ended on some AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES shit or whatever with like a child winking demonically at the camera??? ugh, and my thing is: How did that little bitch's cancer hair grow back so fast??? Hmm????

Okay but can we talk about the ~~camera crew~~??? And how like lame and annoying they were. The Asian girl with the ombre hair was named Mia and I'm too lazy to go look up the other ones' names and also I'm not even exactly sure how many there were?? There was a white, whiny ass dude with glasses. There was a black or maybe Indian?? dude. And I think maybe there was another one but it's like sigh who cares. They annoyed me by not leaving when Deborah pulled her first "stunt" by ripping her neck up. Like, from there you can see whatever this bitch has goes beyond Alzheimers and maybe seek another subject?? Like. Omg and when Glasses showed Mia the footage of Deborah climbing onto the counter without like a stepladder or anything and she's like "There must've been like a stepladder or something" and Glasses was yelling like "HOW?!?! THERE WAS NO JUMP IN THE TIMESTAMP??!?" and I was yelling that same shit. Do not. Make me. Be on. Team Glasses, Mia, you fucking bitch.  

This

is a shot they included of someone in their final stages of Alzheimers. Right, well if ghastly shit like that happens, why the fuck couldn't you have just made a straight-up film about a woman succumbing physically and mentally to this disease? Why do you have to be so fucking lazy??? Ugh, I'm disgusted. Like, give me The Orphange jammed into Away from Her. WHAT IS SO HARD??

And please stop with the found footage shit or whatever. The ~~~filming~~~ every horrible moment as if your first reaction to seeing any of this crazy shit go down wouldn't be to immediately drop your fucking camera and run screaming to Earth 2. Like people running around in forests with shaky cam trying to escape Bigfoot - fam, lighten your load. Throw the camera in the bushes and book. Liikke COME ON!!! And this movie tried to make it seem okay because there was literally a camera crew in the movie filming a documentary BUT NO TO ALL OF IT BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING INTERESTING WITH IT SO JUST FILM IT LIKE A REGULAR PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE. IT IS ALL YOU DESERVE. 

I didn't hate everything. Jill Larson plays Deborah and she fucking slays. Real quick I will post like four fucking screenshots I took of her when the doc crew were setting her up for an interview. 

SHE'S GIVING ME FACE, SHE'S GIVING ME PEARLS COVERING HER NECK SCARS, SHE'S GIVING ME ANUS PUCKER MOUTH, SHE'S GIVING ME WAYYYY TOO MUCH FUCKING FOREHEAD - SHE'S GIVING ME EVERYTHING. I loved her the minute she turned up onscreen and they were trying to tell me she was Anne Ramsay's fucking mom. No shade to Anne Ramsay but they looked like fucking sisters and I started laughing like hahah lol okay. 

Am I totally bugging or do they look, like, similar in age??? I don't know, I might be bugging lol but I definitely was like "mom????" when Sarah introduced the crew to Deborah. She looks Mom as hell in this pic but when they first showed her she was wearing like some simple sweater or some shit and looked fresh as fuck. Idk, maybe Anne Ramsay's L.L.Bean if the two Ls stood for Lizard Lesbian look was throwing me off a bit. Also Deborah could've just been a young mom. FINE. 

Anyway I really loved Jill's performance as Deborah. She's creepy as hell, but also sort of funny and I was just fucking here for everything she was doing, and obviously she's a star. A star in a shitty film, but a star nonetheless. So at least one good thing came out of me watching this movie: I have another person to get weird and obsessive about yay! Can't wait to force myself to rewatch Shutter Island for what is probably a dialogue-less performance from her yayayyy!!!

Imma end this post with a screenshot from that scene when Deborah was taking that little cancer girl out of the hospital and like started eating that security guard. 

turn down for what?

The Whitescars haha :(

So, to preface, I'm not excited about this years telecast. I never really am, but I always expect at least one or two things will happen to interest me. I'm not getting those vibes this year. Also, I've barely seen any of the nominees so I'm not invested in who wins or not. Will any of this stop me from ~liveblogging~ this, tho? NO, IT WON'T. And some shit better pop-off. There better be a Pocahontas going in place of Brando moment OR I QUIT. Quit what? I don't fucking know, bitch - DON'T QUESTION ME!!

Hoo boy

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"best and whitest" haha self-awareness!! *Benefiber Cumberbun face*. 

ugh, singing. 

*Clint Eastwood face*

hmmmm, still singing. Interesting, interesting. 

I hope this doesn't make me hate NPH. Secretly, tho, I hope it does. I'm a hater @ heart and liking people makes my tits itch. In a bad way. ;)

Oh, cool, a ~cynical voice~. But it's still Jack Black singing.............................

Ew, gross, NPH is saying like ~inspirational~ shit. WHY. WHY CAN'T GERVAIS DO EVERYTHING??? I'll even settle for Seth MacFarlane. I liked the Boobs song fucking sue me. No, do it. I don't have any money so good luck!! *smug face*

omg look @ Lupitaknfklnlmdk. 

no omg I need to fucking see Whiplash. I'm so into this slapping shit. Especially JK slapping Miles Teller IT'S PORN GIVE IT TO ME. Oh, he won. Duh. This is going to be a srsly boring Oscars like all the categories are sewn up but isn't it like that every year come on me. wtf is this "Call ur mommy" PSA? Is he Drake like. AND HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT ABOUT MILES AND I AM DISTRAUGHT. 

Wait - but I don't care who NPH thinks will win?????????

ZERO IS HERE!KNKLNLIKNLEK wait, no, what is his human name? Tony Revelatori or some shit. NO, LOOK IT UP AND MEMORIZE IT UGH. Tony Revolori. But also? Anthony Quinonez????????????????????? 

What is not, in spanking bench's name, clearly explained???

I love how fucking waaaaaaaack this shit is right off the bat, like I can't wait for 2 1/2 more hours of this shit I'M SO FUCKING PUMPED R U KIDDING ME?!!? You got fucking Adam Levine featuring his friends Maroon 5 performing a fucking lullaby but only a lullaby if this was bizarro world and it was meant to keep you fucking awake with its shrill horribleness!!!! :)))))))

MINDY KALING IN A COMMERCIAL? WHAT IS IT FOR??? HOPEFULLY NOT THAT COTTON SHIT! OKAY, AMERICAN EXPRESS. OKAY MINDY KALING, OKAYYYYYY!!! TURN UP TURN UP OMG I'M SO BORED

RYAN PHILLIPPE?!?! FOR WHAT??? WHAT IS IT??? And Juliette Lewis?!?!?!? I should not. Be this excited. Over some fucking commercials. Come on Oscars whyyy

Remember when I used to care about Chris Pine? lol me either

look @ this Milena bitch. Is her neck broke or is she just like Walking Shade??? No, but for real, is something wrong with her neck??? European smugness/notgivingashitness??? Either way, I am intrigued. Finally! 

WHO IS THAT GLASSES BITCH SITTING NEXT TO WES PLZ TELL ME IT'S HIS BOO OMG IT'S SO PERFECT IT'S SO HIM SHE LOOKS LIKE DARLENE FROM ROSEANNE MIXED WITH TINA FROM BOB'S BURGERS MIXED WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER MILDLY OFFENSIVE STUFF AND ALSO A SNAIL? AND A BUNNY??? BUT MOSTLY A SNAIL?? 

Look I don't care about makeup and all these categories. This is something the Grammys does right: they don't telecast fucking shit. They handed out like 6 awards, tops. But that's also sort of a semi-concert and they have actual performances to fill in the time. What would they do here?? More...stilted banter??? MM, NO THANKS. JUST KEEP HANDING OUT THESE AWARDS I DON'T CARE ABOUT SORRY I BROUGHT THIS UP.

WAIT. BUT WHAT IF CHIWETEL AND NICOLE REALLY CAME OUT IN WHITEFACE AND BLACKFACE AS EACH OTHER?!?!?! THAT WOULD ACTUALLY BE INTERESTING. AND HORRIBLE AND PROBABLY AMERICA WOULD BE BOMBED AND RESTARTED OVER AS CANADA 2???? BUT IT WOULD BE FUCKING WORRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTHHHH ITTTTTTTTT. 

lol he kept speaking past the wrap-up music. Turn up turn up

I'm interested in the ~concept~ of Boyhood, but I feel like it might really bore me??? But I also felt that way about Tree of Life and I ended up loving that movie so. What was the point of this? No point? LIFE IS POINTLESS, FAM.

What is the purpose of seat fillers? Do they think people will turn away if they see empty seats or??? Like we'll be "Shit, if the audience is peaceing out, I'm peaceing out" lol actually, probably. 

MARION!!!! SHOW ME GUILLAUME!!

tegan and sara where?!?!? YES THEY'RE HERE IN REAL FORM THEY EXIST THEY'RE REAL. omg jorma *squee face*

pan to Oprah one more time. I dare you

Hmm...this "Everything Is Awesome" song is...concerning. I'd definitely use it to ironically soundtrack my suicide, tho. Or, like, leave it playing on loop instead of a note. Haha!

I LOVE. THIS MATT KIRKBY DUDE. or is it the other one? Idk but he seriously said "crikey" like ppl actually say that shit. AND THEN HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT FREE DOUGHNUTS. My nigggga...

oooh look @ this bitch's ball dress. Both of these crisis call center hoes are stuntin' omg.

Yesss Violaaaaaa. I love how anytime Viola is @ these award things she's always a little bit throwing shade. Like. Yes, more, pleeeeassssee. 

NPH's asides are really killing me. In that bad way. In that being some little Asian twink who Jeffrey Dahmer has his eye on way. 

David Oyelowo looks soooo cute omg. Like Redmayne has competition. Like no one else tho. All these niggas in basic ass black tuxes. CAN I GET SOME NIGGAS IN A SWAN DRESS? COME ON, BCOOP. I KNOW YOU GOT IT IN YOU. 

"Please welcome, my friend, Tim McGraw" Who is this bitch not friends with? Self Awareness? HAHA. I COULD HOST THE OSCARS HAHAHAH.  

Talking to my mom about Neil Patrick Harris a few secs ago I called him"NPH" and she was like "who?" and that's what I will write in my suicide note is the reason for me killing myself. I felt like she just found out I was a famous meme. But like, right after me vainly explaining what the fuck a "meme" even is. I would probably be like "um, like, a picture of a frog looking sad?? But a million times???" Riiight, will you please start seeing a therapist? Please!!

MILESSSS!!!! Also Margot Robbie is super-cute. I think I might be excited for Focus??? Hmmm we'll see. We'll fucking see!! 

Achievement in sound-mixing?????? COME ON, FAM!

Jared and those luscious locks yessssss you are allll I need fuck who wins this category. Wait lol why the fuck is Terrence Howard here??? And why am I low-key excited about it???? DIEEEEEEE. Oh, Patricia will win cool ugh GIVE ME SOME DAMN SURPRISES. JUST RANDOMLY GIVE IT TO MERYL SO I CAN LAUGH IN THAT WAY THAT MAKES YOU THROW UP A LITTLE BIT. LIKE THAT LITTLE SPIT-UP STUFF. 

Keira was giving me a lot of teeth in that clip YAAAAAS BITCH YAAAS

I still can't believe Emma Stone was nominated. I mean, okay. I haven't seen this movie yet. But, still, okay. 

lol her speech is extra as hell. I don't know where these people think they be aattttt lol. Like, you just won an award for playing pretend???? I don't know, fam. I don't know. Ugh, why can't I just be happy she talked up equal rights for women and, I don't know, water equality????? WHY CAN'T I JUST LET THINGS BE NICE?? Fuck nice, and fuck water. 

OKAY, JOSH HUTCHERSON. OKAY, BRIDGE TO TERABITHIA NEVER FORGET. 

"I don't get Rita Ora" - everyone, still, now, forever, and always. 

CHLOE GRACE MORETZ MY QUEEEN. Is it weird to call someone like ten years younger than you your queen? I BET PEOPLE OLDER THAN QUEEN ELIZABETH DON'T ASK THAT SHIT SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IDOLIZING SOME SIXTEEN YEAR FUCKING LITTLE GIRL HMM?!?! WAIT HOW OLD IS SHE? IF SHE'S SIXTEEN THEN I'M ONLY NINE YEARS OLDER THAN HER TURN UP. Let me go check for real lol. SHE'S EIGHTEEN SHE'S LEGAL OMG TURN THE FUCK UP TURN IT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

"To Cooper and Miranda, thank you for all the nights you let me miss so I can pursue this crazy career" #badmomturnup

Shit Zoe loooks cute assss fucccck. Hmm I feel creepy. The Rock looks güüuüüüd too. So...handsome...and...man...ly. A male.

I haven't paid attention to like the last sixteen awards?????? Who cares turn up

Ayo Cheryl Boone wrap it up. Wrap it up, b. Ugh I miss Chappelle's Show. 

Wait - do I need to start caring about Behati Prinsloo? Her thumbs up is killllling me. 

Idris. If he's not the new Bond, I quit. Unless they choose Tom Hardy then okay. But if neither of them I QUIT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME???? No one. Is reading this. 

Oh boy In Memoriam. Time for people to make it awkward trying to only clap for the ~famous~~~~ ones. NO, THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO HAPPEN. DO IT. I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT. Also, can I get one year where In Memoriam is just a picture of Olivia de Havilland and the caption below is "STILL ALIVE, YOU PIECES OF FUCKING SHIT!!!!"???? She is immortal, so, whenever. Whenever you're ready, Academy.  

Oh no. Singing. J Hud. Who did it last year? Bette Midler right? mmm that shit was awkward. 

"Like I'm not even watching this shit anymore. I'm on fucking Tumblr, fam." - me to myself. Alone. In my little locked room. 

Aww Damien Chazelle is a qt3.14 ugh that is so played but pie is 3.14 and then some other numbers but i'm not SOME FUCKING GEEK so I don't know the other numbers #thuglyfe

Oh, T Howard is presenting. lol his measly ass little voice. Sit down omg plz give me a new episode of Empire where it's just all Cookie and then maybe some Hakeem but only if Cookie is beating him with a broom. OH LORD WHAT THE FUCK IS TERRENCE DOING????? WHAT WAS THAT????? WHAT....WHY IS HE BEING EXTRA???? IS THERE SOME WEIRD TECHNICAL SHIT HE'S TRYING TO COVER UP FOR??? IS IT ALS???? ugh :(

Wow The Imitation Game looks boring as fuck I reallllly don't want to see that shit. It's so BIOPIC. Ugh, spare me. 

Oh Jennifer Aniston looks cute. Hmm but what was NPH's comment about two people who absolutely deserve to be here tonight? I mean, these niggas invited Terrence Howard and Channing Tatum, so, yeah. 

Oh the Oscars were postponed because MLK was killed? Coool cool the Oscars aren't racist do you fucking understand??? lol like that shit would ever happen now. Did they even have advertisers back then? There were like three channels and TV fucking cut off at like ten o'clock come on, fam, stop patting yourself on your botoxed ass backs ugghghghghghhhghhhhhh

Shots fired @ John Travolta. WAIT - BUT JVOLT (sorry) IS THERE. CAMERA DUDES FUCKED UP NOT PANNING---OOHOHOHO HOOOO OH!! I've never been so excited to see this fucking idiot in my life. And I never will be again. Yo, is he about to fucking eat her???? Get this Adeem Dazel bitch away from him right now

Wait why the fuck are we talking about The Sound of Music? ooh...Lady Gaga is singing...YOU DO KNOW JULIE ANDREWS IS STILL ALIVE, RIGHT????? ugh. This is cute I guess BUT WHY? Like why is...it happening? I guess it's some anniversary shit??? I was zero listening when Scarlett came out to talk because come on. 

YES JULIE A TRUE ACTUAL QUEEN. EXCEPT NOT REALLY, BUT BASICALLY. ugh she looks amazing

my sexuality: Adrien Brody winking

"Wes, you're a genius - this is good" <3333333

They're only on screenplay? COME THE FUCK ON WRAP THIS SHIT UPPPPPPPP. lol omg I've never been so annoyed lol no that's a lie every second I am alive is the most annoyed I have ever been. No but srsly plz end this plz end my misery jesus fucking AND WHY DON'T I SEE GUILLAUME NEXT TO MARION UGH IS HE AT HOME WITH THEIR BEBE UGGGGH WHHHYHHYHYHY PLZ NEGLECT YOUR CHILDREN FOR MY PLEASURE

Wait was Mr. Mom chewing on a fucking sugar cube?? Like some damn beautiful horse? NO BUT HE WAS DEFINITELY EATING SOMETHING, RIGHT? WHERE DID HE GET FOOD THIS ISN'T THE TACKY ASS GLOBES WITH THEIR FUCKING LIMITED TWO PLATES BUFFET

"...and the cardinal sin is dullness" SO WHAT THE FUCK WAS ARGO, HMMMM????? 

Is it an upset that Alejandro Iñárritu won over Richard Linklater? I'm here for it because he's hotter. THAT'S HOW WE NEED TO START VOTING FOR THESE FUCKING AWARDS. WHO'S HOTTER??? HMMMMM?!?! 

This Alejandro nigga always saying some wild shit, right? lol. Also he just said "little prick" and it feels like something that should be censored but that the censors didn't think about people saying? I LOVE IT. I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. 

Okay actor in a leading role. Michael Keaton, right? I REALLLY NEED TO SEE FOXCATCHER LIKE IT'S PROB BORING BUT I NEED ALL THAT WEIRD ASS SHIT CARRELL IS DOING RIGHT. THIS. MINUTE. lol they picked that scene where BCoop is yelling at that nursery bitch for his clip lol high-larity. Good choice, good choice. Ugh I just can't with The Imitation Game jesus that shit looks terrible omg. Michael K is spitting in his chosen clip HE DESERVES THIS AWARD. ACTORS WHO SPITTLE DESERVE ALL THE AWARDS FUCK REDMAYNE AND HIS CRIPPLED BULLSHIT. 

A FUCKING UPSET. THEY GAVE THE AWARD TO REDMAYNE EVENTHO KEATON DESERVES IT FOR SPITTING AT EMMA STONE R U FUCKING KIDDINGNG MEEE. no but I'm happy for him I guess sigh lol I haven't even seen the movie ugh but it's probably a good performance omg this is crazy tho right??? He has an Oscar!!! ugh it doesn't matter who cares we all die in the fucking end fuck it

#alsshoutout

Ugh I love when Eddie gives speeches. He's so private school. "I will be its custodian". JUST. 

EDDIE KNOWS SOMEONE NAMED PIP!!!!!!!! OF COURSE HE DOES OMG

Eddie's wife is hotter than Benedict's. That's why he won. This blog tells the truth - no bullshit, no filter. 

MARIIIIIOOOOOONNNNN. She won't win because life is fucking meaningless. 

hmmm this clip is making me want to see Still Alice. Which I have failed to force myself to be interested in. OKAY, TURN UP! TURN UP STILL ALICE!! 

I loved Rosamund in Gone Girl. #I'mnice

oh shit what was that clip from Wild? DON'T DO THAT TO ME. 

Okay Julianne won I can get behind that eventho I didn't see that fucking movie. She's Julianne Moore so it's okay. SHE'S NOT MARION, THOUGH, LET'S BE CLEAR. 

Aw her hubby took a little picture of her and Lupita is looking at this dude like "ugh, niggas can't stay off their phones for one second like THE GLARE IS BOTHERING ME" 

yeah that key dude definitely looks like Matty D. But, like, if he were 109? Or, he worked at Krispy Kreme??? Both????? 

Plz let Grand Budapest pull an upset so I can scream the entire time and maybe the camera will pan to Adrien and he dies??? 

oh shit Birdman won. It actually makes sense because that movie is all about the industry and ~throwing shade~~, right???? And voters probably got all excited like: FINALLY, SOMEBODY SAID IT. WHERE IS THE LIE???? lol, please. 

wow it's awkward to see Michael Keaton standing up there pretending like he doesn't want to Columbine the whole audience?? OKAY HE'S SPEAKING I FEEL BETTER NOW

Awww @ Michael. Awww he'll never be nominated again awwwww

alright, finally. SHIT!