Gay River: Red River (1948)

What the fuck is this gay ass movie? *googles to see if the screenwriters or director are gay but Google is useless so no results*. Hmm, actually, I'm glad I have no concrete answers because now I can make up totally deranged unfounded accusations about literally everyone involved in the making of this movie being a raging, unrepentant homo and NO ONE can stop me :)

Girl, stand up! John Wayne is not even fine like that. Nigga big and slow and talk like he got mold on his brain!

I don't even know this^ character's name. There are like two entire women in this movie and it's so insane that they are even there. Gayest movie but I mean that almost in a derogatory sense but I probably wouldn't if John Wayne wasn't the main guy lol like if he were swapped out with Burt Lancaster or something it'd be the Ultimate Homo Western, but unfortch we are living in Hell and so none of our desires can come totally true. Maybe you'll get an imitation of your desires but there'll always be something corrupted or wrong with it. So we get our gay Western but it stars John Wayne. Should I kill myself?

Also what does this lady mean when she says it feels like there are knives in her knees? What is that meant to suggest? That she's lovesick or somethng? I've never felt that sensation before. Maybe she has diabetes in her knees? I don't think that's normal

This is the bracelet John Wayne's character Dunson gives to his bae when he leaves her behind instead of taking her on his journey with him even though she begged like a dog for him to bring her, humiliating herself under the hateful eye of God. Natch, the savage Indians immediately murder her. We literally see Dunson stabbing an Indian to death and then he lifts the guy's arm and he's wearing the bracelet. Am I supposed to care? First of all, who told you you could just kill Indians lol like let's start there. And if you wanted your bae to survive you maybe should've taken her with you so you could protect her? Just a thought. Anyway, RIP lmaao

This is how they intro Monty Clift. *googles to see if the director is a homo - the AI-powered search bar spits out a result telling me to kill myself??*

Does any1 think it's cute that Matt bought Groot dentures? He's such a responsible first-born daughter for that.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K so first off, I'm not tryna watch no Western unless it got something gay going on or it has one of my faves in the movie and this movie stars Montgomery Clift, who satisfies both requirements lol. But then you get a surprise :) You tune in for Monty Clift and you just think ok it won't be too bad because Monty Clift is there but then they surprise you and just like hand you some homo shit like wtf I thought Westerns were supposed to be super straight and boring and manly. I literally avoid them because of this impression lol like they all look dry and dusty and like a bunch of ugly straight men standing around talking about guns and beans. But if all Westerns have literal gay boyfriends like Red River does maybe I'll have to check out more.

Anyway *takes cynanide capsule*, the above cap is when we're first introduced to John Ireland's character Cherry Valance and he's like immediately lusting for Matt. Which is INSANE and I'M NOT BEING DELUSIONAL IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THE MOVIE. He just rides up on his horse and immediately starts openly thirsting? I mean, I get it, but RELAX!

This is CRAZY!!!!

He WILL NOT take his eyes off of Matt??? What am I supposed to thi--Meeker is like lol maybe I should introduce you two. Um, they're literally cumdumping inside of each other with their eyes right in front of everyone I think we're past the introduction stage but OKAY

The sexy, nonchalant way Matt smirks and smiles at Cherry is MENTALLY ILL. No, it's not me who's marked for the asylum, it's everyone involved with the making of this movie and ESPECIALLY Monty Clift because WTF literally why r u looking at him like that do you understand this is just supposed to be some super-straight-guy Western like what aren't you getting? Or maybe it's me who's not getting it. Is this one of those ~coded~ films? No, because so many things happen within the interactions between Matt and Cherry that it just leaves you gobsmacked - like the chemistry, the tension, the blatant, no-loads-refused ass flirting. Like, HUH?? I don't know what to think or what's going on *self-immolates*

Cherry is literally transformed into a Neanderthal from lust. He returns to the basest form of human: a bestial mongoloid that only has barebacking on his mind and NOTHING ELSE. Hmm wonder if I can be arrested and murdered for saying any of this shit? One can only dream!

Cherry immediately abandoning his crew so he can join up with Dunson's crew and be with his boyfriend Matt is unbelievable. What am I supposed to think? He's literally just the pretty boy's rough trade boyfriend - that's his character. You can't possibly expect me to take anything else away from this.

Matt is so????? And I'm pretty sure his character is coded as a virgin? Why are you flashing slutty, ran-through ass smiles and smirks then???

Cherry is 100% bricked up on the back of that horse? I don't understand why any of this would be allowed on the screen

?????????? (I have so many caps of them smirking and staring sexily and deeply into each others' eyes because it was just literally happening and I had so much material and screen time to pull from like it's not me who's insane i'm the NORMAL ONE!!)

Dunson's big hefty ass tells his baby girl Matt to "take care" of Cherry. Oh, I'm like so sure he will. But let's talk *gets arrested*. What am I supposed to take away from Matt and Dunson's relationship? Like they're father and son, right? But I kept getting a weird uneasy feeling like...there was some other tension there. Like the fact that Dunce gave Matty the same bracelet he'd given to his dead lover (weird?). And then all this gay stuff happening with Matt and Cherry...which I have no idea if it was intentional or if Ireland and Clift were just gaybos in real life and it just oozed into their work idk lol. But they'll have Cherry be like I wanna be your boyfriend :) and then Matt will be like Well, Dunson has to join us and it's kinda gonna be a threesome :) and Cherry's like um ok I might fight him tho becuz I'm not really into that :) and Matt is like ok good luck haha ;) Like is it just ME? (yes, you are SEVERELY mentally disturbed and that's what happening more than anything)

Dunson was all excited and heavyset talking to Groot about his fantasy that Matt and Cherry would be tussling on the ground with full blown erections meanwhile they never beef in this movie not even once? Am I dumb or do they imply that Matt and Cherry will be butting heads throughout the film? They butt something alright but they never once don't get along? I wonder if they intended to have Matt and his booboo beef but just dropped that storyline for some reason. Thank god tho becuz honestly if the boyfriends ever fought I would've had to send some death threats to Hawks in Hell, so thankfully we were saved from that spectacle and I can conserve my energy for other hateful acts :)

???????????? Cherry asks Matt can he see it. See what? He's asking after Matt's gun but like come on. It's so insane. He's so sexy and lustful about it. Literally what am I supposed to think? It's so loaded (in more ways than one!!)

I definitely think with interactions like this, that the faggotry was intentional. Be serious. "Can I see it?" and Matt turns back like the slutty virgin that he is all fake-stupid and turned on - be for real right now.

Be fucking FOR REAL! This is how Matt looks at Cherry after he asks to see Matt's "gun". You have to actually witness this scene with your own corrupted eyeballs to really understand the experience. Cherry asks to see Matt's "gun" and Matt takes like five minutes of sexily examining Cherry with his lustful virginal eyes before he even answers him? A literal size-up like I thought pornographic material was against the code back in this day like i'm CONFUSED

Was literally watching this scene in disbelief I can't believe it why is a movie from 1948 gayer than any modern day movie like I am genuinely asking this is CRAZY

"Maybe you'd like to see mine" *stares at the audience*. There is zero chance this isn't intentional like you're not convincing me otherwise it's almost slapstick lol

...so Matt and Cherry ~exchange guns~ and they're looking over each other's....pieces. Cherry starts randomly talking about how there's only 2 things more beautiful than a good gun: a swiss watch and a woman from anywhere (GAY). This was definitely coded but I couldn't figure out exactly what was being communicated. Like what was the movie actually trying to have Cherry imply. Lol of course in my demented mind everything is Completely Homosexual. The most ~obvious~ thing Cherry does here is ask Matt "have you ever had a good Swiss watch?" - implying what? That Matt has never been with a woman lol. Right? That Matty doesn't *know* women. He's a little virginal pillow prince lol. His penis is encased in glass and his butt hole is stopped up with cork, right? But also couldn't you take it as Cherry being like "Anyway I know ur a gayboy lol can we boyfriends or what's your deal?". I defo feel Cherry tries to *test* Matt several times, tries to throw out the little codes and hints like trying to see if Matt wants to go into the bushes with him. Which is really cute and romantic idk lol

So Cherry and Matt shoot guns together (have sex) and Cherry says it's good :)

Matt likes it and says for them to keep going :')

*stares at my screen and then looks at the audience* Like I don't even know what to say anymore. They've only known each other for three minutes, by the way. Just thought that was important to point out :)

The other butt buddy coupling in the movie is Groot and Quo, but they're old hags and giving us a distasteful interracial moment so let's just move on from that

What am I supposed to think? Why is there a *moment* when Cherry lustfully tells Matt that he makes the drive to Sedalia look easy? Why every time they interact is it so sexy and charged? And Cherry can barely contain himself that it's almost hard to watch sometimes. I saw someone say (I always refuse to research cuz I think it's cute to be uninformed) that Ireland was meant to have a larger part but had it reduced for whatever reason and my first instinct is to be upset, because I'm mourning all my lost gay boy moments, but at the same time I cannot even imagine what additional scenes between the two would mean for the movie. It would have to literally acknowledge they're boyfriends and that was not gonna happen but I think it would've been fun to see them try to get around not acknowledging it. It would be so painful and terrifying god I need it :(

In this scene they have Cherry talking about why he joined Dunson's outfit and he literally says it's because Matt "turned him down" (????) and that it turned him on when Matt rejected him and also that he had "taken a liking" to Matt's gun. You can't be serious.. This movie doesn't even try ONCE to be straight (lmao if only that were actually true *smiles with mental illness*)

Cherry "I like my penis in vaginas" Valance starts talking about some girl he met

Then Matt immediately cuts him off to talk about something else and doesn't even acknowledge Cherry talking about that woman? I am SICK TO MY STOMACH. This gay shit has to be intentional like what else is the explanation. Look at his face!!

???? Cherry says something like "If I wanna tussle with your big heavyset daddy I guess I'll have to take you on, too" and of course instead of being normal he speaks with a criminal lust in his voice and a sexy, possessed glint in his eye. He always looks at Matt like he's undressing him with seasoned, experienced eyes and I am NOT just making that up because God has closed his ears to my prayers it is ACTUALLY what is happening!! Like take shit serious for once and stop having hard-ons for the pretty boy! And it's not even like he is flirting with any1 else and you can say it's just his general sexually-dangerous, smarmy personality: he literally is only that way for Matt??? I can't do this anymore

Why does Matt do this? There's no way this isn't on purpose

I think when Cherry says he'll have to fight Dunce Matt says something like Dunson is a handful or something while stroking his nose??? I'm so tired I feel like I'm going INSANE!

?????????????????????????????????????????????????? Don't look at him like that! This shit should be illegal

You just knew this idiot would die when he started talking about having a wife. Wake up, dumb fuck, straight is illegal and the homos are coming for you! (he's literally stampeded to death lmao aint no way that wasn't very on purpose)

The diabetes gay literally causing the stampede that killed the sole hetero in the movie was so slapstick that I still can't believe it actually happened

Bro, what? Whipping a grown man is so deranged, actually. But if Burt Lancaster was doing it I'd think it was hot. Because it's John Wayne, though, I call for him to be drawn and quartered - and do it slow!

Matt drawing his gun first was giving very much gay son sexually surpassing his thick in the thighs and waist, slow in the hips ass pappy. Move over hag, a power twink is on the scene (literally wtf am i saying)

Oh nothing, just Cherry turned on when his boyfriend saved that diabetes gay from being murdered by his daddy :)

He looked so gorgeous here. Putting Monty Clift in a Western is so insane but so genius. He literally doesn't look like a cowboy in any way whatsoever lmao like he's a little prince a pretty little sweetie who looks as if he's never gotten his hands dirty a day in his life but like that's what makes the movie so good like imagine all this gay shit happening with just all John Wayne types dear god everyone would have to be arrested by god how gross, how unseemly

Ignore Dunce. Look at Matt all anxious and sad because his boyfriend has to go off to find some deserters :( Don't do this to my lovers they don't deserve to be parted. Send Dunce he doesn't have anyone who loves him who will miss him please :'(

Didn't Dunce just murder three people like a scene ago? lmao. Matt is so mentally ill lowkey for being cool with this dude lol like I know it's his sorta-daddy but this isn't a good look lol. I think they split up like two scenes from now tho so lemme stop getting on Matt and just focus all my ire on that beast Dunce - it's what he deserves :)

Matty sees his bae returning home from the war :') (ignore the criminally-offensive but incredibly accurate Irish stereotype in the back)

The moment when Dunce went to shoot at Matt and Cherry said "gotcha, bitch!" and shot that old hag right in his gnarled shooting hand. One thing about Cherry: he don't play about his man - no, sir!

The Inordinately Lengthened Leprechaun back there not playing neither! Matt's Hoes really aint nothing to mess with! No, but like it's insane in this scene how everyone has Matt's back, like it gets me so emotional. He's really the People's Princess like that's my man and he really deserves :')

Loved Monty Clift in this scene (and in all the others that's my bae!) - it's so ingenious to cast him in a Western like I wish he did more cuz then I would actually watch them lol

Loved Matt's slight "girl hush" smirk when Dunce promised he'd kill him. Chile that's your son you aint killing nobody and Matt knew it too! I would think their fucked up relationship was cute if it was Burt Lancaster lmao but alas it's ugly and gross John Wayne so let's just move on along to the next scene lol

You have to be kidding me. They're riding along on the horses and Matt takes a moment to swing down from top of his horse to pick up an iguana or lizard or some shit from off the ground and just look at it gently and Cherry looks on gently with him, though you can tell he's kind of curious about Matt as they look on. WHAT THEE FUCK!!! This movie took the time to put this scene in here but what does it mean? Okay I won't be insane for two seconds. Maybe it's a way to show us how gentle and observant Matt is and how being "soft" (Cherry calls him this several times I think and it's not gay at all nope) and in the wild west actually might not clash with each other the way an old hating fogey like Dunce might have you think. Being someone who cares and pays attention can actually be a virtue in the wild west (and the modern world in general?) as we're shown with Matt succeeding in their venture. Maybe that's what the movie is trying to get across but I chose to interpret it as: two husbands now have a pet to fuss over and can take a small respite from eye-fucking each other every second of the day.

I don't understand why Matt + Cherry are lovingly gazing upon each other after Matt picked up the lizard. Literally what do you expect me to think when shit like this happens??? I feel like God is mocking me

me experiencing an existential crisis each night before bed

Buster rolls up and says he and Cherry have found coffee and women. Matt only asks about the coffee. *stares into the camera*

Literally squealing. The way Cherry is so excited to see his man :') (I have never been more mentally ill)

Aw, boyfriends killing Indians together <3 *feels uncomfortable but keeps shipping them*

Was I missing something? Why was the prostitution whore talking about Matt being angry? This character felt so forced and I was starting to feel misogynistic lmao. It feels so shoe horned in to have her be like Matt was so mad at me and hated me so much! Literally what are you talking about? Who even are you? Matt has never been angry a day in his life. He got mad like once when that guy wanted to shoot Dunce and that was so out of character for him so what is Miss Ho on about? It feels like they wanted to give us a cute little enemies 2 lovers moment but it doesn't work here at all whatsoever - Matt does not care about her one way or the other. So awkward and weird like if you needed a forced straight ship cuz studio heads was noticing the movie was getting a little too penis-stuffed you could have at least tried a little harder like every time she speaks you are like "huh?" like what movie are you even in lol

me when I'm hit by the forced-hetero ship cuz shit was getting a little too penis in the butt around here arrow

I wish Matty was doing this to Cherry. Like why would you intro this random character in the final hour when you been building up Matt and Cherry the whole movie? Like I am STUNNED - the introduction of this character to stunt Matt/Cherry should be something you should go to prison for and in prison they kill you with machetes and don't even properly bury you they just toss your corpse into the moat (I think all prisons have moats for some reason)

Can any1 explain why the hooker slaps Matty? Is she jealous because he's been properly wifed by Cherry but she'll never get the ring because of her dirty, shameful past? No but sincerely, what the fuck? Again, her character is so contrived. She's so white woman coded lol. She entirely fabricates some beef Matt has with her when I saw none of what she claimed. She talmbout he was nasty and had an attitude. Literally where and when did this occur? I think we're meant to believe that Matt assessed she was a girl of the world~, as they say (no one says this), and so once he realizes she's for them streets, he deduces she is nothing to him, but I literally did not witness that process within him. It seemed he regarded her the way he would anyone else? Maybe I'm just slow. Actually no, it is me who is right and smart and everyone else that is dumb and WRONG.

Lmao Cherry rushing over when he saw that slut put paws to his prince lmao he said I don't think so whore! (I wish)

This reminded me of the threesome The Creole Princess Louis and that white devil Lestat had in the Interview with the Vamp tv show and if ya know ya know

This scene is incredible (derogatory). It's totally inconsequential with the prostitute but swap her out for Cherry and you've got yourself a breathtaking, groundbreaking masterpiece on your hands. And it would be so simple, but alas...

Unspeakable acts committed in this scene. Let's just not even address it. Feels like anyone even acknowledging it should go on some sort of watch list. Felt like a crime to even witness it.

me anytime the prostitute speaks. I was in my woman-hating BAG with this movie lol but I hated no1 more than John Wayne so it's fine and I'm not gonna get arrested (yet)

Matt looking like a SLUT rolling up to get his ass whooped down by his jealous, hatin', haggard beast of a daddy <3

*sighs wistfully* Cherry really don't play about his man. That envious beast rolled up and Cherry was right there with the shotty saying "I don't think so, ugly" - the only thing is I wish Cherry hadn't even tried to warn him, just shoot that bitch point blank in the head on-sight and let's be done with it, babe. But it was so romantic how he took a bullet for his man like it's so crazy they had any of this shit in a movie from the 40s. So romantic and sweet please I wanna cry :'(

This beastly cave dweller really bullied Matty for being pretty like that's so insane

Why is this damn ho in the final climax? Get this yeast-producing slag the fuck off the screen *loves and supports all women voice*

Deeply unserious ending to the film. Bestial hag just tried to kill his own son and y'all are giggling. I specifically took this screencap because I saw Monty Clift kept staring at the tattered strands hanging off Wayne's dented scalp and I thought it was funny but jesus what a dumb and unsatisfying ending lol. At least we'll have all the gay memories to keep us warm during cruel nights :')