Intruders (2015)

"They should have left her alone."

EXACTLY, BITCH! EX!ACT!LY!!!

1. Who just robs someone? 

Wait lol. Let's get into some backstory first. So the story's main character is some agoraphobic bitch named Anna. This movie shows agoraphobia as...acting as if there is a force field preventing you from leaving your front door. Hmm NOT SURE, but this movie's definition of being afraid to leave the house seems a little extra, but maybe not so much when you consider Anna's history. 

Pretty much, Anna and her brother Conrad seemed to have been sort of held hostage and abused by their father when they were younger, until Conrad killed him. No idea what happened to their mom. Maybe she went to Vegas for the weekend, idk. 

So present day, Conrad dies. It seems he had pancreatic cancer. Conrad looked creepy as fuck. As soon as I saw his moth child looking ass, I was like ... "hm, this movie has the potential to be lit". Like when the movie first came on right away I dismissed it as trash because of cliché shitty straight-2-DVD horror movie tinkly piano music. But I changed my mind after I saw Conrad's human cobweb excuse for a face and body. Especially when he patted the seat next to him when he was on that porch swing? I was like GOD, NO! But like in a good way, you know? 

The only people who live in Conrad and Anna's house are them. Rory Culkin comes by like every week or something to deliver food. I was so excited when I saw Rory. Why? Because I have A LOT of fucking problems, my friend. (You're not my friend.) One of my many ailments is that I have, like, a Culkin thing. I'm just like into the three semi-relevant Culkin baes. Was it necessary for me to be shady by saying "semi-relevant"? Tbh, I was being pretty generous. Now, was it necessary for me to be a little more than shady just now by saying I was being pretty generous? YES! Anyway, this is a Rory Culkin stan blog until further notice. I love his long hair and I WANT TO DIE!!

So after "Connie" dies, Anna is alone. Somewhere around Conrad dying--I forget if it was before or after--Anna gives Rory's character Danny a sack of money??? Like he--Oh, this was after Conrad's death, because Danny asks Anna if she'll leave now and she lowkey spazzes because of her agoraphobia deal. Then she asks Danny would it be so easy for him to leave, and Danny says some Instagram quote shit out of his mouth like "Not everyone considers home a home" or some shit, but also I was like true and kill me please! 

Anna asks Danny why he hasn't left and Danny says "guess" and my first thought was money and Anna's stupid ass first thought was "You've got a girlfriend". Please. Danny says how he has no luck in the girlfriend department. Well maybe if you didn't look like Tweety Bird Jesus you'd get more hoes. Anyway, after D says no to the girlfriend thing, Anna's SLOW! ASS! gets he can't leave cuz of $$$ (stupid rich ass lol). So, she just gives this nigga a bag of money? What part of the game is this, Anna? I doubt Steve Harvey suggests this in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Anna! 

So fast-forward to some niggas popping by to rob Anna's house. And now we come back to me asking: Who just robs someone? Like, who just decides to rob someone's house lol. And I wouldn't even ordinarily think that while watching a movie for some reason, but here I felt compelled to really question it lol because...idk. I guess how the tables are turned, and the robbers' entitled attitudes after that. Like, they are demanding to be treated fairly and with respect or something lol but it's like bitch, you're in her house! If you woulda minded your business and kept your ass outta her shit, none of this would be happening. #nosympathyfortherobbers

So! The robbers come through and think they can turn up! Oh I forgot to say what Danny did after Anna gave him that sack of money. He declined and left I guess. When these robbers showed up I immediately suspected Danny. He either told someone about the money, or he decided to get a gang together and go after the bigger pot. What it ultimately was was Option A. He told some so-called friends of his about Anna and the money and they decided to fucking rob her. 

There's three robbers. Some nigga named J.P., his brother Vance (Danny's "friend"), and some nigga with a beard named Perry. HATED Perry right away. But real quick let's just talk about how Martin Starr almost looks like a legitimate person now. Is it the beard and contacts? Did he always look legitimate but I couldn't see past the name Martin Starr? Nah, this nigga oblong. And he was oblong in the movie, but kinda hot also please take my life away.

So Perry was turning up right away, and far too much for me. Talking about setting bitches on fire and hitting them in the back of the head with hammers and shit. Bitch, just take the money and go. Like. And then he smashed the bird to death for no reason. I remember thinking, before Anna turned up, "I can't wait for him to die" lol. For some reason I knew he would, and readily anticipated it. 

But actually! When he did I was lowkey sad. Not for Perry's death, but for Martin Starr not getting to have screen-time anymore. He was funny lol. I mean, I wasn't feeling Perry stomping on Danny's kneecap, but he provided some good comedic relief when they were trapped in that basement. 

So speaking of getting trapped in a basement :') lol as soon--Honestly, as soon as Anna stabbed Vance in the neck, I knew it was gonna be lit from here on out. And then Anna dragged his body down to the basement and J.P. and Perry went looking for him there, I was like...yall better get outta that basement. Straight-up serial killer lair, but okay! However, I got excited. What were all those doors and shit? Then Anna sealed them up down there and I was like IDIOTS! and YAAAAAAASSS!!

Where Danny in all this? Well he interrupts the robbery proceedings to be like wtf. Doesn't Perry's hype ass punch him in the face? #can'twaittilyoudie. Blah blah fast-forward to Anna turning the tables on these morons and locking them in that torture basement. She got Danny tied up upstairs. She suspects he has something to do with the robbery, and his bitch ass do! But...how was he really to know his friend would take their private conversation and turn it into a opportunity to rob some bitch they don't too much even know? It's just rude, but Danny in my opinion is innocent. Also he looks like a lil angel bean :') #freehim

Anna tosses his ass into the torture dungeon and he bust his head open and dislocates his kneecap. Gross! Perry helps Danny put his kneecap back in, but later when Danny tells him to stop antagonizing Anna and making things worse, Perry stomps on his knee. #can'twaittiludie My favorite thing from this scene though was Danny talking bout I need to go to the hospital. It was so funny to me for some reason. Girl, aint nobody taking you to the hospital! lol what an adorable dummy :')

So Anna playing games with these niggas. She end up killing Perry. Hammer to the back of the head - nice. It take her longer to kill J.P. She got him locked up in some room, tryna convince him to kill himself. Apparently...she and her brother ran some...kind of (kind of?) creepy vigilante business where they'd bring pedophiles and shit to the basement to try and make them face their wrongdoings, which I guess in turn would drive all of them to kill themselves. This tactic doesn't work on J.P. because he's a piece of shit, and named J.P. He chooses to keep his brother's death on his conscience and stay alive. Anyway, it's not like he directly killed him, Anna was reaching.

Anna has to release J.P. when he threatens to kill Danny, whom I guess she cares about. Aww, those crazy kids :') <3

SO! OKAY! WHEN ANNA LET THEM GO THEY ABLE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND ESCAPE. BUT OF COURSE J.P.'S BITCH ASS GOTTA GO IN THE HOUSE ON SOME REVENGE SHIT. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, HE PUNCH DANNY IN THE FACE RIGHT BEFORE HE GO DO IT. #CAN'T WAIT TIL U DIE

So J.P. go back in to burn Anna's shit. Boy. Anna take out her money and tries to burn that? Girl idk. J.P. end up taking Anna into a room and trying to rape her or some cliché bullshit. Or he try to kill her?? Either way, Baery Culkin comes to the rescue by being like "No more killing" (lol) and then immediately Anna kills J.P. (lodamnl)

Danny leaves, but not before doing some hilarious long like look back thing. Idk, all I remember was horribly cackling before he walked off-screen lol. I wonder what he tells people when he goes home, if anything. I wouldn't say shit. 

Okay so the movie ends with Anna setting fire to her house as sirens blare in the distance. Okay qqs:

1. Why are you burning your money and shit? Bitch where you gon' go? Maybe she got shit in stocks idk

2. Who called the police? Danny? He just left two seconds ago

3. Why was this movie so lit? It wasn't the litest, but it was definitely much more than I expected it to be. No regrets. A little regrets. I'm sad I wasn't cast as that random Latina woman with the papers for Anna to sign. That was a star-making #iconic performance in what is a star-making #iconic piece of cinema. lol no I'm just kidding lol omg

Southpaw (2015)

This movie was mad boring and tepid for like the first twenty minutes or so. I was sitting here watching this like "um, okay, are y'all for real?". But then Rachel McAdams got killed and it was lit.

Lol no shade to Rachel, whom I like, but I just was so totally not here for her fake ass Boston ride or die act. The french tips and bandage dress were just really churning my fucking stomach and I wanted it all to stop. Also she was doing like a diluted version of Laura Linney in Mystic River with all that face grabbing and YOU ARE MY KING and all that extraness. Lowkey Lady Macbeth highkey making me sick to my stomach teas. So when she got shot I was like OH OKAY and also FINALLY. 

So blah Jake Gyllenhaal plays a white boxer named Billy Hope. Lemme just say right now that I don't buy white dudes as like champions at fighting lol. Especially not no nigga who look like Jake Gyllenhaal. Lowkey method bae did a goodish job looking boxery or whatever, but I'm not buying him as a champion. Like, Jake Gyllenhaal, NO MATTER WHAT, is getting his ass beat. No matter what, do you understand? BUT MOVIES ARE FANTASY SO WE'LL PRETEND!! 

So blah Billy is a champion and Rachel plays his wife Maureen and 50 Cent's ugly ass plays Billy's obviously Iago ass manager. In the beginning of the movie I was watching like...okay so like is this movie just gon' be Jake Gyllenhaal fighting niggas? I was confused lol like WHAT the conflict would be. They had that Miguel dude come through at the press conference and I was honestly like...is this whole movie just gon' be some ugly ass feud between them? Like that's it??? Anyway, I'm pretty unimaginative. I DID FOR ONE SECOND THINK THEY WERE GOING TO KILL OFF THE DAUGHTER. But they did one slightly less better and killed off Billy's wife and I was like oh okay, breathing a sigh of relief, like, HERE WE GO!

Anyway, I'm a completely ugly person. Also I kinda regretted wishing for some shit to pop off, because when it popped off, it REALLY popped off. Like I was getting annoyed lol. It was bad enough Billy lost his wife, then he lost his daughter and his house and all his money his career fucking everything I was like bruh chillllll lol. Like you coulda just killed Maureen off and been fucking done with it yall doin tew much!! 

So like! A lot of Billy's loss was his fault, including Maureen. I hold firmly that it was primarily Billy's fault that Maureen got shot. Shoulda kept it moving when Miguel was talking shit! Like what is this middle school? Oh he said he'd take ur girl and your belt? GIRL, AND?! lol he really got heated over that shit. Fucking idiot. So you wanna turn around and get in a fight which of course gets out of control and someone takes out a gun and it's game over. DUH! Team Blame Billy.

Okay so Maureen dies and I'm immediately annoyed at how not present Billy's being for his daughter, Leila. Like all she has left is you but I guess it's fine for you to be acting out your own private melodrama that doesn't involve her. LIKE GIRL I GUESS! I didn't even care about Billy losing his career and house cuz girl whatever, but him just driving his car straight into a tree like he aint have a whole ass daughter depending on him really got on my nerves. And it's like okay fine grieving, but Leila's grieving too and she's a kid and alone and has no one and Team Blame Billy for losing her and Team Hate Billy at least fifty percent of the movie for being a fuck up and Team Leila every time she dragged his ass and also any other time. 

So they put Leila in the hands of the state, and I like, was upset. Like I get it cuz Billy was unfit, but I was still getting in my feelings. I hated Billy so much in his court scene when the judge was making the decision what to do with Leila. Like can you gain control?? That's why you aint got shit now! 

So Leila in child services for thirty days. Billy got to prove himself to the court. He gotta secure employment and I guess pass drug tests and shit. Billy goes to this boxing gym owned by Forest Whitaker's character Tick Wills and this is the first time I'm discovering this nigga's name is Tick smh. Also does Forry have a real life glass eye please answer me.

Billy wants Tick to train him for whatever reason idfk and also he asks for a job. This movie was doing the most just making it so easy for Billy to gain employment, right? He just waltzes right in like lol I need a job thanks! Tick offers him the janitor job at his gym and Billy's entitled white ass has the audacity to get an attitude like I'M NOT CLEANING YOUR FUCKING TOILETS, MAN! Sir. Who are you? Who the fuck are you?? Didn't your busted white ass grow up in the streets? And you tryna act all high and mighty?? Never mind the fact that 1. your bitch ass has lost LITERALLY EVERYTHING and 2. YOU NEED A JOB TO GET YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER BACK AND NO ONE ELSE IS HIRING YOUR MESSY ASS SO BITCH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! 

Billy goes to the foster care place they have Leila at to see her but is first interviewed by Naomie Harris' foster care worker character and imdb is fucking telling me her character's name is Angela fucking Rivera. Girl, okay. ANGELA RIVERA asks Billy if he's secured employment. Billy's bitch ass lie and say he got a job at a gym. Okay girl. He acting all spazzy and aggro in the meeting and Angela asks him if he's on drugs. He says nah just no sleep. She says something like "You didn't take anything?". His bitch ass scream in her face like YEAH, AN ADVIL! 

You whilin. That's all the fuck imma say. 

Angela basically says do you think it's a good idea for me to let you see Leila and i'm like OKAY! Like he doing the most for someone who needs to get fucking permission from her to see his child. This aggy nigga needs to chill. Like how long it's gon take you to learn your lesson?? 

Angela lets him see Leila but Leila's not fucking here for it and I was here for her not being here for it. Very much. I will say, though, that Jake and Oona Laurence's scenes were lit as fuck every time. Them individually, and them together. They were very much giving me everything I needed. Like this movie as a whole? Kinda basic. But they were really good and WHEN THE FUCK IS JAKE GETTING AN OSCAR YALL WAS TALKING ABOUT LEO'S BLOATED ASS LIKE HE HAS EVER DELIVERED IN HIS LIFE THE WAY BAE GYLLENHAAL HAS BUT I'M SLEEP. 

I need a nap, but anyway Billy starts working at the gym. And I guess Tick's big ass starts training him. Yo so what does Southpaw mean? I thought it was like a Boston term. Yo, look, idek if this movie takes place in Boston lol like I just assumed but I have no fucking idea. But anyway I bing.commed "southpaw" and it tells me: "a left-handed person, especially a boxer who leads with the right hand or a baseball pitcher"...

GIRL, WHAT?

Smh idk. Anyway who cares. Billy ends up fighting in some charity boxing thing and he wins. 50 cent, who abandoned Billy after some shit went down with him fucking up his HBO deal or whatever, turns up to tell Billy they want him back in the big leagues or whatever the fuck, after he got kicked out for hitting that boxing referee person. He says the fight is in six months. Billy asks Tick to train him and Tick is like no I don't do title fights or some mess idfk and DON'T CARE because he change his mind immediately anyway. Billy give him some White Tears™ speech about how he doing the fight for his daughter blah blah, which I guess gets Tick. Okay can we talk about Tick for one small second? ...Why he live in the gym? What's his story?? Why he mad broke down but the movie don't even explain how come? I guess him being an alcoholic is enough? Why every boxing movie got like an old, grizzled coach with a heart of gold and mysterious backstory? Enough is enough, in my opinion. 

Blah blah they start training. Billy goes to see Leila and he tells her about the fight. I thought she'd be upset but she was excited and asked if she could go. Billy is like No, mom wouldn't want you to (Hey, she's dead.) and also he says he doesn't think he'd be able to arrange it with child services to have her there. LEILA POPS THE FUCK OFF!! Iconic. She just start going the fuck in on this nigga and honestly I felt refreshed and alive. She was slapping the shit outta Jake Gyllenhaal's ginormous dome and calling him a punk bitch probably and I was really getting my fucking life. #whereisoonalaurence'soscarblog

But anyway I was happy when Billy finally got my bae Leila back. I mean, let's be honest, would her life be any better at Billy shitty's apartment with one egg than it was in foster care? HELL NO! But whatever he's her dad and she loves him. Is it okay? Idk let's move on!! No wait lol but Billy just straight up telling Leila he was a fucking mess really got me. Imagine being a helpless kid and your parent is like GIRL I'M A MESS! I HAVE ONE EGG IN THIS APARTMENT, GIRL! GOOD LUCK, GIRL!! Like, Billy, parents are at least required to pretend they have even a modicum of their shit together, bitch. Is Leila fucking stupid? No. But still lie to her ass okay that's your job as a parent smh.

Fast-forward to Billy doing his fight. It's against Miguel who is at least partly responsible for Maureen getting killed. You know what I didn't really care about? This fight lol. Billy going up against Miguel. Miguel was such a non-motherfucking factor. Even with the complete fact that he instigated the brawl that resulted in Maureen's death, I just did not care, girl. But that could just be me and never in general caring about the results of any...thing in sports movies lol. Like boxing, football, baseball, whatever movie where there's like a final game or show it's like...idc. There have been some movies where I was like okay this is a little lit. Literally the only movie I am thinking of right now is Cinderella Man for some reason?? Let's move on.

Leila gets to go to the fight but she stays in the dressing room or whatever and for some reason Angela is there? Why do I feel like there was some shit in the script where there was a romance brewing between Angela and Billy? Thank the lord that was cut smh. 

Blah blah Billy beat Miguel's ass. And of course there was that moment where it looked like Billy was getting fucked up, but then he turned it around. Idk maybe he got a Powerpoint slideshow presentation memory recall of Maureen clutching his face with her french-tipped talons and it revved him up. It's not a TKO, though, or like unanimous. The judges have to give their scores before the winner is decided and then it's decided Billy won. Yay. What now? 

What I forgot to talk about:

-Rita Oral as that chick offering her services at the front door but having the audacity to be talking about "I got kids, man!" when Billy pulled out his gun. Where were these kids when you were offering your black hole up for some chicken nuggets to perfect strangers, girl?

-that random kid dying?? Why aint no one help him?? What was his name Papi? What the fuck lol outta nowhere Tick was like "Papi died". girl what?? It was all extra. 

-Beau Knapp. Idk lol

-WHERE IS THAT FRANK OCEAN SONG THAT WAS AT THE END OF THE MOVIE THANKS

Anyway this movie was okay. Coulda been way worse. Was saved by performances. Jake, Oona, Forest, Naomie...pretty good. The story was pretty weak but most boxing movie stories are. It's all about the performances and making you care about the characters and this movie did that good job but yo why you make me care about Papi with his two seconds of screen-time and just kill him offscreen like that? What is your problem? Fix it. 

Lol I just looked to see what Papi's character name is and it's Hoppy. Yikes.com, tbh.

Masterpiece of Shit Theater, Episode 7: The Gift (2015)

This is one of those movies that I thought was gonna be really lit. Looking back, not sure why. 

I saw one trailer for this film probably over a year ago and I thought that the movie looked interesting. Rarely do I see trailers for mainstreamish films and get excited - the trailer for The Gift got me excited. Again, looking back, I do not understand why. Joel Edgerton with shitty facial hair? No fucking idea.

So okay fast-forward a bit, the movie comes out, good score on Rotten Tomatoes, I see maybe the movie has good reviews. I don't read these reviews because I can't deal with other people's dry ass opinions on movies, which is why I have this disturbing blog - so I can write my own shitty opinions and then read them and be like "lol true!" and also "Seek help". So WHAT I'M SAYING IS I don't really know what this movie is working with. It seems like it got a good reception. I am still interested.

Because I'm a tortoise in the race of life (shut up and die), I take forfuckingever to actually get around to watching this. Finally a couple of days ago I do. I get fucking EXCITED! I regret this. I look back at a couple of days ago me and I want to drive a javelin through my eyeballs. So as to improve my viewing experience.

The film stars Jason Bateman (4eva bae until I find out he molested someone on the set of Teen Wolf Too), Rebecca Hall (prettier, slightly less annoying Anne Hathaway), and Joel Edgerton (fat Aussie, ginger, eyes always look closed). This is a pretty good crew, right? Sure. 

So Jason and Rebecca play a couple, Simon and Robyn. They've just moved to a new neighborhood. Simon has a new job at some tech place (WHO CARES) and Robyn has like an interior design business she runs from home. We find out this used to be a larger business with remote locations, but I guess Robyn had a miscarriage and possibly some sort of breakdown, so she's downsized. Okay.

Joel Edgerton, who also wrote and directed this...movie, plays a dude named Gordo. Right away, Gordo is a freak. He shows up when Simon and Robyn are shopping for shit for their new home. He approaches Simon like "Hey remember me from middle school??" or whatever, and Simon at first doesn't remember him, but then he does. Fast-forward to Gordo just showing up at Simon and Robyn's house with "gifts". I forgot all his freak gifts, but I do remember the fucking koi fish and glass cleaner lol weirdo. 

Gordo was really freaking me out. Joel Edgerton looked really creepy with that facial hair lol. Also like...the clothes he was wearing. If this movie did one good thing, it was making Gordo just be odd as fuck. Also him just randomly showing up to the house all the time? CAN WE DISCUSS PEOPLE WHO BUY HOMES WITH LIKE GLASS WINDOWS ALL AROUND? I don't understand this. You just want people being able to see all up in your house? I don't know how many times someone throws a rock through their shit lol. Probably only once, but it seemed like a million for some reason? Also every time Gordo comes through his ugly weird face is just looking right at Robyn sitting in the dining room and shit lol. Put some fucking curtains up the fuck.

Okay so Simon and Robyn start getting weirded out by Gordo. I guess around the time he delivers the fish. Like who just gives someone fish? Simon is more agitated than Robyn. Robyn seems really nice, too nice as Simon says. I agreed with him, because she kept letting this thick nigga in her home when she was alone all the time, BUT I disagree with condemning people for being nice. It almost felt like...Robyn was capable of identifying an innocence in Gordo and was not truly worried about her safety. I thought Simon, even before his tea was clocked, was an asshole. 

Like! Gordo invites them to his house, right? For dinner. Of course his weird ass abandons them in his house as soon as they get there for a five minute "work emergency". I had no idea at the time what Gordo's deal was, but I was pretty sure he had a recording device set up to see what Robyn and Simon would say about him while he was gone. For one! They go all up in and through this nigga's house. We see there are women's clothes and a child's room, though I don't believe Gordo mentions a family. They also talk shit about him. Or Simon does. Right away I clocked that Simon was a douchebag? Just him making a "peepee" with his fingers poking out of his pants was enough for me. He was acting like a Mountain Dew Code Red drinking frat boy and I was over it. 

So Gordo comes back and Simon is getting all aggy like WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?! Lol but honestly, what kind of job do you have that has you stepping out for five minutes in the middle of the night? Gordo "confesses" that he really went out to talk to his ex-wife, something blah about there being turmoil and she owns the house and he's trying to stay on her good side. Sure, buddy. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE BODY????? 

So Simon says he wants to talk to Gordo for a minute. He tells his wife to step out. Simon keeps clocking his own douchebag tea. Why does she need to leave?? Robyn doesn't even leave right away, fake-leaving one time to listen to the conversation, but her dumb ass doesn't properly conceal her body, so Simon sees her and is like "Honey! If you could just give us a minute!". I don't understand why she needed to leave. What is she some little kid? But anyway after she leaves, Simon white boy ~goes in~ on Gordo, talking bout how he weird or whatever and how he wants Gordo to stay away from them and he don't wanna see his weird butt ever again. 

WHAT I THOUGHT WAS BOLD was Simon was talking all this shit BEFORE Gordo opened the gate for them to leave lol. So of course when they tryna go, Gordo won't open the gate right away. Never drag a bitch before they open the gate for you to leave. Do it after, dummy. How many times do we have to go over this???

Oh you know what I forgot? BEFORE Gordo invited them over for dinner, he had been over at the house and had seen what Simon had written on the dry erase board about him: "Weirdo Gordo" or something? CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE WHACK ASS NICKNAMES THEY HAD FOR EACH OTHER IN SCHOOL LOL. "Gordo the Weirdo"??? Robyn talkin bout some "That's not very nice" or some shit, but I'm over here like *Chandler voice* COULD THESE NIGGAS BE ANY MORE UNCREATIVE? Like, GOTDAMN! And Simon's name was Simple Simon? Ya basic! You know...knowing that Joel's Aussie ass wrote this mess, I completely understand. Australia seems really dry and corny lol. David Sedaris called it "Canada in a thong" and that's the most clocked fucking tea I've ever seen. Sweaty Degrassi ass "nicknames" lol bye.

So anyway lol Gordo inviting them to dinner even after he saw the Gordo Weirdo thing on their dry erase board was...suspicious. Like, he obviously had some plans for them. Or at least for Simon's douchebag ass. BUT WHAT? WHAT PLANS? We shall see! RIGHT? It's gon be lit!! Right?

Hmm.

Hmm hmm hmm. Gordo at some point sends a letter over to the house talking some blahdy blah. But on the back of the note he makes some comment like "Let's let bygones be bygones" and that's meant for Simon's ass. Robyn's like "Let bygones be bygones"? What that mean? Simon like lol iono! Girl... Then he get aggressive when she kinda keep pressing I think? BOY WHATCHU DO TO GORDO??

Robyn going through it because of Gordo. She mad weirded out and panicking and shit. Gordo seems to have stolen their dog at some point, eventually the dog comes back and I think Gordo kind of stays out of their life for a minute? Should I mention how that house Gordo had them at was actually not his? I guess. Apparently he was the limo driver or some shit for the people who really lived at the house and he had access to the garage, which was how he gained access to the home to use for his fail ass dinner party. Okay.

Sigh, fast-forward blah, Robyn pregnant by Simple Simon's ass and it's like...girl, I guess. For some reason Robyn start investigating that bygone be bygones thing. Is it because Gordo showed up while she and that chick from Fargo season 1 were shopping? Iono. At first, Robyn asks Simon's sister about Gordo. Ol girl says Simon "caught" Gordo getting molested in a car by an older boy when they were in school and "reported" the situation, which became a big thing. HMM. Immediately I decided Simon was the one who molested Gordo. I just knew his ass non-consensually fingered Gordo's booty.

Robyn's lanky ass goes to see some idiot who used to be friends with Simon during this time. He clocks Simon's tea by saying that Simon actually made that whole molesting thing up. Robyn was all like "um, why?" and Roy from The Office was like "Because he could". Typical ass white boy bs smh.

So Simon spread a rumor that Gordo was either being molested or did some gay shit in a car. He was mercilessly bullied for this, and his father apparently tried to set him on fire????? Can I just say I was cackling at this? Like it's not funny and this shit actually does happen but it just seemed so extreme and extra idk lol. No, it's not funny please.

So Robyn confronts Simon about ruining Gordo's life and acting brand new about the "bygones be bygones" note. Robyn kind of accuses Simon of gaslighting her, and I agree. She's freaking out and afraid of Gordo when her ass should be afraid of Simon's sociopath ass. I don't think she fully understands that at the moment of her confronting him and him being dismissive and unsympathetic to the situation, but she's starting to get it.

Robyn tells Simon he should apologize to Gordo. He's reluctant and an asshole about it, but he does visit Gordo to attempt an apology. He ends up attacking Gordo instead?? UNPROVOKED, MIGHT I ADD. So at this point Simon's tea is fully clocked. Robyn called him a bully and she was full-right. I was honestly disgusted, but I do...like how the character was written. It seemed a correct representation of...someone who was a bully in school, grows up and says they've "changed" and are "done with that part of my life" but are really just older and now they wear dress shirts. So I really almost liked how Simon's character was written and also played by Bateman, who is super good at playing douches. He reminds me of how I think Bradley Cooper really is, which is Simon. Chamomile for that ass.

Simon lies to Robyn about how the apology went and I'm just like...girl good luck. So fast-forward to Simon getting a huge promotion at work and he throws a douchey party at the house to celebrate. Thank the lucky stars that it's interrupted by someone throwing a rock through the window. It was thrown by the guy who's name Simon tarnished to get the position. Simon's bitch ass a grown adult still spreading rumors to ruin people's lives. If karma don't drag that ass already! 

I GUESS KARMA COMES IN THE FORM OF SIMON NOT KNOWING WHO THE FATHER OF HIS SON IS. So the ending of the movie, the most important part in any thriller, is where the movie completely falls apart at the seams. If it was ever together to begin with.

Robyn gives birth, she has a son. She tells Simon she wants to leave him. His sociopath ass is all like "Okay well we'll discuss this later" and leaves. Like him saying that means it's not actually happening. Girl get it together.

He goes home and finds some more "gifts" from Gordo waiting for him there. Sigh. Gift 1 is a key to their house. Which shows Gordo has gained access to their home. It's like no shit but anyway. I think Gift 2 is the recording Gordo made of them when Simon was talking shit about him at his "house". Anyway. Gift 3 is a fucking DVD of Gordo walking around their house filming Robyn in secret in shit, poisoning her Gatorade and possibly raping her. I say possibly because it cuts off before we see him do anything, only the implication is there.

Sigh. So Simon's bitch ass is crying. And I think more because he thinks Gordo could possibly be the father of his child, and not that his wife was secretly videotaped, drugged, and possibly assaulted. This basic white male is having a little moment because maybe another nigga is the father to his PRODIGAL SON. Miss me. Are we as the audience supposed to be sickened to death by this thought lol? I am sick that Gordo possibly raped Robyn, but I don't give two fucks about Simon's bitch ass crybaby male feelings. You see where his priorities really lie when he gets to the hospital and sees Robyn's room is empty but instead of full looking for her, he starts chasing Gordo around. With all that macho male bravado bs, not even giving enough of a fuck to check to see if your wife and child are okay. Fuck Gordo's bitch ass, check to see if your family is okay. What is wrong with you? And then the end of the movie has him crying on the floor with Gordo watching dead-eyed menacingly over him, and Robyn is in the background cradling her child being none the wiser to how TRULY fucked up her situation really is.

Sigh. You can tell this movie was written by some dusty white boy. I don't want to shade Joel, because I like him sometimes, but this mess really fell flat. I could see this movie being super-affecting for dudes, I guess? Like they can get in their feelings about another man raping their wife and possibly fathering their son? But for me, I'm thinking about how Robyn was harassed and gaslighted the whole movie and used as a pawn for these two dudes with various untreated mental problems to fuck with each other. Like she's totally alone and I'm super happy about how there was barely any real regard for her, besides the typical male this is my property I must protect it bs.

In terms of a "thriller", this movie was one long ass tease, with no sufficient pay-off in the end. It wasn't even a good tease. I kept waiting for shit to get...intriguing, you know? A couple of times, I thought, maybe. Like when I thought maybe Simon had molested Gordo...but that fell through and the movie went nowhere. A better movie would have been about when all this shit with them as teenagers actually went down. Simon spreading the rumor about Gordo, and the vicious aftermath of that. This flaccid mess thirty or so years later is truly embarrassing, though at the same time...like a good comment about how people don't really grow up from high school, I guess? But I honestly don't give a fuck about a comment like that. I came to this movie to see a turn up, and I got a motherfucking turn down. This shit was hot dog water. Like I'm not surprised after the fact, but I am annoyed that I was initially excited, thinking this was gonna be some unique different shit. Oh well that's my bad, I guess. 

Good performances, though. I don't want to drag too much. I thought all primary leads delivered, I just wish it'd been in a better, smarter movie. Maybe next time.

The Heiress (1949)

Who's more bae - Olivia or Monty? So hard, I have no idea. The Heiress makes me so happy inside that two of my fave classic film star baes are in one movie. I think if I were alive back in the forties I never would have imagined putting these two in a movie. You know how you have faves and you dream of having them in movie? No way back in the forties would I have been like: omg Monty and Olivia! They just seem like they were operating on two different planes at the time. But actually...when you think about it, it's the perfect acting ship. Melanie from Gone with the Wind and pretentious stage actor EDWARD MONTGOMERY "MONTY" CLIFT in a period piece together? It's like the most ridiculous fanfiction. But it exists! The Heiress exists! It's so great I want to cry.

Anyway let's talk about how obnoxious ~perfectionist~ Montgomery Clift is. Lol so every time I hear or read about The Heiress, I hear Monty was like really rude to Olivia. I read his biography that Patricia Bosworth wrote and I think she suggested 1. it was because he felt he was just straight up better than Olivia, acting-wise. Monty was a STAGE ACTOR, and Olivia played second fiddle to Errol Flynn, right? also, 2. wasn't Olivia smashing Willy Wyler? Not to expose bae, but like probably. So I guess Monty felt some type of way about that, but it's like, what's the point of smashing some old white dude if he's not gonna give you great roles? Also who is Monty to be judging anyone for smashing some old dude/broad for a come up? Like, SIPS TEA. 

So my number one bae here has to be Olivia because I can't deal with Montgomery's bougie ass lol. Like, Olivia completely slays and carries this movie but you had THE AUDACITY to be like dismissive and demeaning, ALLEGEDLY?? Girl, okay. You thought. How many Oscars did YOU win for The Heiress? PRECISELY! 

I shouldn't be allowed to write about movies, but anyway, Olivia is also bae here because I just...want to hold Catherine forever in my arms and rock her to permanent sleep. With the exception of Catherine's aunt Lavinia, everyone treats Catherine like absolute shit and piss. The level of rudeness in this film towards Catherine is honestly astounding lol like ENOUGH! 

Let's talk about that dude who like blatantly doesn't want to dance with Cathy at the party. His look of pure disgust and contempt for her when that woman, I think one of Cathy's aunts?, kind of basically makes him dance with her, is so ugly lol. On one hand, I like get it. You ever been to like a family thing and one of your aunts makes you talk to some weird cousin of yours and you're just like UGH? And I'm the type of bitch, like the dude here, to not even disguise how grossed out and annoyed I am. So from that perspective, I get it. But also a lot of times I'm, like Cathy, the weird cousin lol, so I would def get my feelings hurt if one of my family members made one of my cousins dance with me and their face was just like 

Like, 

You're doing the UTMOST.

But fuck a distant cousin. Cathy's own bitch ass father has been dragging her from womb to tomb, birth to motherfucking earth. Like, I CANNOT. I...I just simply do not understand what the fuck Cathy's dad's problem is. LIKE, SIR. This is like the only bitch you really have in the world - you can't find it in your old ugly heart to at least cringe-say one nice thing every once in a while? Every time I watch this...I get confused as to...like does the dad lowkey fuck with Cathy or nah?? Cathy decides her dad doesn't like her after he goes in on this bitch when after Paris she still wants to marry Morris. He lays it the fuck down: YOU HAVE NO REDEEMABLE QUALITIES SO IT MAKES NO SENSE WHY HANDSOME FUCKBOY MORRIS WOULD WANT TO MARRY YOUR ASS, BESIDES YOUR MONEY. IF YOU DID NOT HAVE THESE COINS, YOU WOULD NOT HAVE MORRIS. ALSO YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT.

I genuinely believe he did not believe in his daughter. She did not live up to the idolized perfection of her dead mother, she did not even come close. Oh you don't have an ear for the harp? SHOULDA ABORTED U! Like, I legit believe he just can't stand her because she's nothing like her mother. She's nothing really like anyone, and he can't take it. But at the same time, I do feel he was coming from a place of love. A severely misguided, ignorant one, but a place of love nonetheless. He looked at Morris and clocked his tea in less than two seconds, and wanted to protect his baby from a nigga who'd ruin her life. But at the same time, he himself ruined his child's life, and Catherine even said this, like why not give me a chance to have my life ruined by a dude and maybe it won't feel as bad as how you ruined my life, maybe it'll be fun, anyway you'll be dead, so. Which I agreed with...ish. And Cathy completely snatched those edges. She was like so right that he was just as bad if not worse than Morris, so who was he to be making judgements and decisions in regards to who Cathy lends her heart to?? He's never even come close to giving her the chance to love and be loved, but Morris' fake ass possibly could. 

Okay, but, is it true that fake love from Morris is better than no love at all? Isn't it the same?? To me, it's irredeemable that once Morris found Cathy would only be getting 10k a year, that he abandoned her. THIS NIGGA SWAM TO CALIFORNIA. First of all: 10k in whatever the fuck year this mess takes place is still a lot. But the aunt is all like "Not when you're expecting 30k..." - IF MORRIS DON'T SIT HIS GREEDY ASS DOWN! See, I could be on the aunt's side of championing this fake relationship if Morris hadn't left Cathy the night they were to elope. That just shows that he wouldn't be able to capably manufacture love. It wasn't like the money pot was completely emptied. Why couldn't Morris have settled for the 10k and then gotten some old sugar mamas on the side for some extra income? No what am I saying lol this is horrible. Cathy deserves way better, no, I am Team Fuck Morris. Not sexually - like, metaphysically or whatever. 

Anyway, this movie gets me in my feelings every time. I just want people to be nice to Cathy, and not in a patronizing way like her aunt, or in a manipulative way like big head ass Morris. It's annoying that shy weirdo bitches can't ever get proper love. Maybe a little now in 2016 sometimes, but in 1800 whatever - who was checking for a meek, plain bitch with a perpetually dry dance card? NAN NONE. 

I wish this movie had a sequel. There's probably some fanfiction version of it by some dusty author. I'm too lazy to look. Gimme it. Someone tell me what it is. Don't tell me what it is though if Cathy Placeholder doesn't get some sweet d. Also don't tell me about it if Cathy Placeholder does get some sweet d, but it gives her tuberculosis and then she dies at like 22. Actually...that sounds amazing. Imma be pissed if this shit don't exist I'M TELLING YOU THAT RIGHT NOW! 

Diary of a Mad Housewife (1970)

Hmm. This movie really irked me, but in like, a way that it was supposed to, if that makes any sense. Diary of a Mad Housewife deals with, well, a mad housewife. The titular housewife is played by Carrie Snodgress, who I thought did a good job. She didn't really play the typical Stepford Wife thing. Or, she did, but like the real-life version of it: just like a consistently inebriated, zombied bitch, completely at all times at her wits end, but she's a woman, so she's just repressing all this shit instead of punching walls or whatever. Soon, she'll drown all her children in the bath, or in Tina Balser's case, she'll begin an affair. With Frank Langella. Could be worse. 

What this movie did best was make Tina's husband be the most annoying piece of shit of all time. Okay I might be biased, because I can't stand Richard Benjamin, who plays Tina's husband Jonathan. Ugh, Jonathan. Like as soon as the movie begins he's in the bathroom being mad loud while Tina is trying to sleep. NOTHING GETS ON MY NERVES MORE THAN A NIGGA BEING MAD LOUD WHEN A BITCH TRYNA SLEEP. It's almost completely obvious he's doing it on purpose, too. He's def the type to think because he works and provides financially for the family, that he deserves more respect than anyone else in the house. And respect to him is finite. So Dad/Husband/PROVIDER gets 90 respect points out of the allotted 100, and then maybe the two daughters can divvy up the remaining ten. The older one who acts like daddy obviously gets more. Mom gets none because she rushes a four minute boiled egg.

When Tina awakens upon her husband DOING THE ABSOLUTE MOST AT UMPTEEN O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, this nigga starts GOING IN on her. Talking about her body and hair and how she in general looks like a slab of rubber cement or some shit idk but this nigga was non-stop roasting her. Who the fuck starts "BOY, IF YOU DON'T"ing their wife immediately in the morning before they've even had their coffee? What the fuck is Jonathan's problem? This how niggas get killed in their sleep.

Jonathan continues to be annoying by treating Tina like she is his personal butler maid slave and nanny. I just don't understand who niggas think they be talking to? What makes it terrible is Tina is clearly kind of meek and introverted, I think? She doesn't seem confrontational. Though, I could be wrong about that assessment. Maybe she just doesn't fuck with Jonathan so much that she doesn't even care to fight and argue too much, even though they do sometimes, so idk.

Why did they get married? Maybe they had a cute courtship? Or maybe they were just following their yuppie sort of path, I guess? Like, a part of me wants to feel bad for Tina for having this ugly ass husband, but it's like, bitch...you chose to marry this nigga. Was he not this annoying, bitch ass way from jump? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE WASN'T. And okay maybe it wasn't always this way, but bitch now it is, so divorce time the fuck?? Just divorce him and collect those coins and go! Was this attitude unacceptable in the late sixties/early seventies? I mean prob, but not all that much! Hippie free love and shit bitch, let's go! Or was that free love do whatever shit just for middle class and below? Idk girl. At a certain point you just gotta make some decisions. Like, Tina decided to enter into that affair...so it's like...if you can do that, why can't you leave your husband? Am I missing something?? 

Like Jonathan was mad disrespectful! He'd be abandoning Tina at parties and shit, talking bout stop hanging on me. Or maybe I just feel some type of way because if I was a wife I'd be the hanging on for dear life to your arm at a party type. Like, mingle? Nahhh lol. But anyway, abandoning your wife at parties so you can shove your nose up celebrities and their fucking butlers' asses is how you get your wife to start fucking other niggas. 

Let's talk about Tina's affair with George ~the writer~~~~. Boy, do I hate a billy bad ass writer character lol. It's so pretentious and ugly. I don't know any writers though besides myself (kill me) so prob I'm projecting. But who doesn't FUCK YOU!! 

Anyway!!!! George is another rude dude. He's not much better than Jonathan, in my opinion, and it's just evident Tina is an idiot with really terrible judgement. I will give George one thing, he's kind of hot. In like a lanky, seventies, slightly straighter than Anthony Perkins sort of way. Also Frank Langella gives spicy white teas. It's an improvement over Richard Benjamin's oblong looking ass anyway. However, he's still not...totally respectful of Tina. Though she doesn't really demand it. And we can play PC all we want, but you most of the time have to kind of tell people to respect you, or they usually won't. And this is coming from someone sort of Tina-like, so I know. 

Tina knows she can't be forceful, so she should stay away from George types. Though I guess she doesn't care because it's ~just a sex thing~. Redflag at George talking about how he thought Tina would be good for a few rolls in the hay but is scared because now he thinks he might fall in love or some shit. That was very manipulative of him because you know at some point he's gonna pull the "IT'S JUST SEX!" card, which he does. Dudes are so ugly lol. I reallllly feel he was allowing for the sort of environment in which Tina could get comfortable and feel she could be sentimental or whatever with him. Then she gives him a Christmas gift and he fucking turns up. Lol okay. I thought...it was because he was afraid of how serious and "human" their affair was becoming, but...in his turn up he was basically yelling at Tina how she knew he was a piece of shit and that's why she was attracted to him and alladis and it was really detached and cold and ugly? And then out of nowhere Tina accused him of being a "fag". Um lol okay.

*shrugs* The seventies. 

So after George dumps Tina--WAIT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT PARTY JONATHAN THREW LOL. I don't remember if it came before or after George and Tina's blow up but I have to talk about it because it was so funny to me. First: is this what rich people do? Have like fancy catered parties in high-rise apartments, talking shit to each other the whole time? It sounds depressing but also lit. Idk. Also I was screaming at them eating omelettes. I would go to ANY PARTY where the invitation said "Will be omelettes". ANY PARTY, DO YOU HEAR ME?!?! 

Anyway, Jonathan spent mad money on that fail omelette party. Also he spent other mad money on some vineyard shit, but turns out all the grapes rotted out or some mess, so he's in the hole. ALSO ALSO he prob gon' get fired from his job because turns out being a lawyer is more than just going like "Pretty, please??" to a judge. Oh, triple also he's been having an affair. (GIRL, WIT WHO? WHO FUCKIN UR UGLY ASS SMH)

After Jonathan spills his tea to Tina, he asks if she wants a divorce or if she'll consider staying and working it out with him for them to eventually emerge from the ashes he mostly created, a better, stronger couple *rolls eyes*

We don't get an answer from Tina, though my assumption is she stays. At least for the meantime. The movie ends with her in some group therapy type of sitch and it seems like she's been telling her story of being a housewife. Niggas in her group start GOING. IN. on her. They're all like "Bitch, FUCK your wimpy ass problems!". And then one woman is saying Tina should be grateful she even has a husband (typical bitch). Though there were one or two voices saying how they identified with Tina. However, the movie kind of just ends with her group therapy classmates all commenting on her "crises". Like, the credits just start rolling on Tina's mostly dead, but smirking face? Hmm, why did this movie not discourage me from wanting to get married in any way lol. Maybe because these are Whites™. I'm not a chalkasian yuppie, so this isn't really my life. Also, I'd never marry a bore like Jonathan. And the first time a nigga told me to boil him an egg I'd stab him in the neck, real talk. So I guess I just didn't relate lol. But if you're like white and your fiancé does croquet or some shit, maybe watch this movie before tying the knot. 

You don't need to watch this movie to know, though, that you do not ever engage with a white boy named Jonathan. I don't know HOW MANY TIMES we need to go over this, but a white boy named Jonathan WILL KILL YOU. Listen up, Rebeccas!!! Don't sleep! 

Double Platinum (1999)

Wow um. So the movie opens up on Diana Ross "singing" and...I don't know what to think. Maybe I think "Who decided Diana Ross could sing?". Maybe I think that. But only one time this whole movie. I don't even think this again when Diana's character is "coaching" Brandy through singing one of her songs. I think it's "Have You Ever". Diana Ross, who has an acquired taste voice just like Brandy, drags this braided hoe by what is left of her edges, and honestly: I felt alive. I felt alive even though I thought at the beginning of the movie "Wow why is this happening?" at Diana Ross singing. I never thought that at Brandy's singing once in the movie, even though Olivia King was totally right by saying Brandy--I mean, Kayla Harris--sings through her nose and sometimes sounds like she has shit in her mouth. I still got my life at Diana Ross--I mean ~Olivia King~--trying to tell Brandy how to sing. I could watch that scene a million fucking times in a row and never not get my life. Do you understand? GOOD.

So, GOD!, Double Platinum is like A Star Is Born meets All About Eve colored with Rose-Art crayons, written by Caillou. Diana Ross plays a woman named Olivia King who's a singer, and she, as her husband would say, "has her little shows". Diana Ross performs a song at one of her little shows and, like I said, I was confused as to why. But apparently some A&R dude in the audience saw the performance and liked it. Okay. This dude is like to Olivia, "Come to New York and be a STAR!". Cool. Not so cool? Olivia has a kid and husband and stuff.

Olivia's shitty husband is played by deep-voiced lightskin Brian Stokes Mitchell, who I think was Trevor #1 on Fresh Prince and also plays the husband of the woman Tyrell (Elliot??) choked to "Two Weeks" on Mr. Robot. Good call making Olivia's douchey hubby be a lightskin. We didn't need an Isaiah Washington type in here looking like he was gonna Ike Turner this hoe. Also that would've taken shine away from MISS DIANA ROSS. But...girl. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE TWO CARAMEL DEW DROPS BIRTHING BRANDY'S BLACK CINDERELLA ASS?! Girl okay lol. Brandy playing Diana Ross' daughter is such a motherfucking stretch. You can just tell this was when Brandy was really hot and some businessy people were like I KNOW! NEW HOT THANG BRANDY UP AGAINST OLD HOT THANG DIANA ROSS! BRILLIANT! It's like...pleez. And to talk about not being totally creative...what was with Brandy singing her own songs instead of songs being written for the movie? And I'm pretty sure Diana Ross sung old songs as well? Lol how fucking lazy. Like if you're gonna do this, do this whole DIANA ROSS VERSUS BRANDY thing, go all the way the fuck in. This shit was tepid as fuck like what a missed opportunity.

Lol but anyway! Sigh, I was tryna go over this shitty plot what the fuck was I bitch ass talking about? Oh, D. Ross' lightskint unsupportive husband. So Olivia tells her boo they want her to go to New York so she can be Blackbra Streisand or whatever. He's like "lol". Which, yikes. Also when she comes home from her show he's like playing cards with his bros and is like really rude and dismissive of Olivia. So we as an audience are right away ready for her to leave his ass, even before she tells him about New York and he in so many words tells her to quiet her singing mouth and make him a sandwich. 

I...don't support Olivia just dipping on her kid lol. I could find it in myself to support her going out to New York for a while, getting things in order, coming back to her kid, and then going back out to do blah blah whatever. It's weird how she just...stays away lol wtf. She just like...never comes back. 

OKAY WAIT. So Olivia dips on baby Kayla to go fulfill her dreams. Okay fast-forward eighteen years and we see Brandy like singing and dancing in some dry cleaners her father has her working in. He's all about BLUE COLLAR. Girl anyway lol. So Kayla wins some radio contest to go see a concert. MY STUPID ASS SAYS "She better had not won a ticket to see Olivia". Why am I so dumb? But I was honestly CACKLING that she won a contest to see her fucking mom in concert. Like how sad. A few things:

1. Kayla does not know THE Olivia King, whom she's a fan of, is her mom. So she's just in the audience like a dummy enjoying the concert like this isn't the woman who abandoned her eighteen years ago

2. I liked Diana Ross' performance. Her singing is still...iffy, though. Also her dress was too heavy-looking. Diana Ross looks like she weighs eight ounces.

3. Olivia set up the contest so Kayla would win. Is this a cute way to tell the daughter you abandoned eighteen years ago that you're her mom OR NAH??

So Kayla goes backstage to meet Olivia and instead of Olivia RIGHT AWAY telling this bitch she's her mom, she fucking takes her out to dinner. DOES SHE TELL HER AT DINNER THAT SHE'S HER MOM? lol!! Kayla at one point during the dinner brings up how she doesn't have a mom and Olivia reacts like "aw 2 bad so sad 4 u, sweetie:(". Lol BITCH IF U DON'T TELL HER YOU'RE HER MOM AND U LEFT HER ASS!! No, instead!!! Olivia tells Kayla she'll go see her show. This family and their little shows smh.

Olivia finally spills the tea after Kayla's show. So, you know, good timing?? And so begins Diana Ross I mean Olivia King lowkey making everything all about her even when it's supposed to be Brandy I mean Kayla's moment.

WHY COME BRANDY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER DAD THE VERY NIGHT OLIVIA REVEALS SHE'S HER MOM?? Hmm?? She like just runs upstairs and when her dad is all "How'd it go??" she just says fine or whatever?? 

NUMBER ONE! Who would just immediately believe Olivia? I know I wouldn't! I'd think that Hollywood bitch was crazy, and tryna get in my draws. ALSO I'D ASK MY DAD WHY THE FUCK HE NEVER TOLD ME OLIVIA KING WAS MY MOM!!?!??! lol okay Kayla eventually confronts him but it's way too delayed in my opinion like what the fuck. 

ANYWAY FAST FORWARD TO OLIVIA BRINGING KAYLA TO NEW YORK TO MAKE HER A STAR! When Olivia tells Kayla she wants to bring her to NY, Kayla barks back "Is it because I'm good, or is it because you feel guilty?". Olivia is all "It's because you're good, and because I feel guilty". Girl...it's because you feel guilty, full stop. Kayla singing pre-recorded Brandy tracks was not enough to convince you she's a ~star~ STOP THE MALARKEY.

So Kayla like immediately becomes a star in NY after she drops "Have You Ever" (plz) as a single. Olivia and Kayla aren't on very good terms, though, because Kayla is still pissed about the whole her mom abandoned her for eighteen years and became a huge star and like never wrote her any letters or sent her a fucking t-shirt or some shit thing. Olivia tries to have a say in Kayla's career under the guise of "protecting" her. I believe Olivia was trying to look out for her daughter, but it also sometimes seemed like something else. I def thought Olivia was more trustworthy than the douchebaggy manager dude Allen Payne played. Allen Payne was mad annoying here lol. Just being extra for no reason. He was painted too broadly with the SNAKE brush lol. Like obvi he'd betray Kayla. OKAY BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THIS STUPID BITCH HAD THE FUCKING CHECK FROM THE TABLOID HE SOLD KAYLA'S ~SECRET~ TO IN HIS GODDAMN PANTS?! Bitch! lol pleez. 

Oh I forgot to say how Kayla didn't want anyone to know Olivia King was her mom so she'd be able to develop a career just off her talent but blah blah she wanted to be stupid and get mixed up with a lightskin, so she got what she deserved lol. 

At this point of Kayla discovering ~RiC OrTEgA~*~ has betrayed her confidence, I think she and Olivia are on the outs because Kayla had done some Brandy cosplay at the Grammy party, but Olivia stole her moment singing, I believe, "Carry On". You can't ever beat "Carry On", not even a weak Diana Rossed version. Too bad so sad lol. But after the Ric thing, Kayla leaves NY and goes out to the Adirondacks or wherever the fuck Olivia is, and is all "I had nowhere else to go". lol what are you talking about? Like she got kicked out her home or something smh. 

BUT ANYWAY! Olivia and Kayla have some ugly bonding session out in the woods. Can we briefly talk about Brandy's acting? NOT GOOD. Not. Good. Especially when she has to do ~EMOTION~, which, is, like, always. Like anytime, because it's acting lol. Check no juliet to her having to do anything heavy. Also her doing ~anger~ is really embarrassing. I like Brandy for some reason, and like I loved Moesha, but jesus. Lol just jesus. Diana Ross...also not a great actress. However, for some reason I cannot accurately pinpoint, I do like watching her onscreen. She's just fascinating obviously. She's obviously more style over substance, but that's fine with me sometimes. She's very like glam, and then she has that Michael Jackson voice, and her teeth and her little bird head idk...I just like watching her. However her and Braid Head's ~emotional~ scenes were a no. Like Kayla confronting Olivia about why she abandoned her was just a complete wrong.

But it only got worse when they started working on a song together. And then...when they performed it together. The movie ends with Olivia and Kayla singing the song Olivia wrote for Kayla to sing. It's 1. a terrible song and 2. an awkward, boring ass performance.

Wait, but in these two screenshots I took, can you tell the audience is like falling into a coma?

Look at Christine Ebersole. She's like..."I have to shit...please stop." And Harvey Fierstein has his hands politely folded like this isn't the loudest, most flaming nigga on the planet - PLEASE! And then the movie just...ends. Unlike my life.