Problematic Fave: The Long, Hot Summer (1958)

I really love Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman. Like I'm borderline obsessed with them. I think being borderline obsessed with someone is, like, not mailing them your pubes. Like, I'm not that weird haha. But lowkey Paul Newman dying was my 9/11. It was super-devastating and I didn't think I'd be able to go on after that. But at least Joanne is still alive. She better outlive me or I'm gonna be pissed. And is she still acting? Hello! Can Wes Anderson or some similar freak pick her the fuck up and put her in some shit?? Where them weird-ass French directors at when you need them? They always seem to be interested in older actresses. Come on what's the fucking hold up! 

So anywaaaaaay this already super problematic post is a good start, I think, to a post about problematic shit. This movie, in particular. I really love this movie because of Joanne and Paul, and if they weren't in it I would hate this shit, because seriously this movie is a mess. It makes me uncomfortable. A lot of movies from ~back in the day~ make me feel uncomfy. Particularly whenever there's a black character. Because jesus @ every black character in movies not played by like Sidney Poitier. He was like the only black nigga who got any real respect pre, like, 1975. So cringe at all of that. The Long, Hot Summer definitely has unfortunate black characters, but it's the way this movie sees women that makes me really uncomfortable. It's hella misogynistic. Like, ugh, so many movies from this time period, so it's not like it's anything new. I think it just bothers me more here because it's sort of egregious and I like this movie and I want to not? Lol, it's not even a good--like, it's not like I like the movie as a whole entity, it's honestly all about Joanne and Paul for me. But liking something like this for any reason makes me want to die. Because I'll have to keep rewatching due to my like for it and I'll have to cringe every time at so many cringe worthy elements. Why do I have to be like this?? 

So the movie opens with a bar burning and it's high-drama right off the bat and it's very knock-off Tennessee Williams right out the gate and it stays that way the entire time. You don't want to be knock-off Tennessee Williams. Like, he's sort of bad enough. Don't get me wrong, he pulls it off, but like only him. Not you, William Faulkner. Not you. Though, maybe the cheese and overwrought Southern belle in distress, ripped-open shirts melodrama is more from the director than the source material? Okay, possibly. So maybe I'll hold off on shading Willy Faulk, as I read zero of the stories this movie was based off :) Because reading :') Like are you offensive graffiti inside a disgusting park bathroom stall?? :) Then why would I :)

So whatever. These townspeople are accusing Paul's character, Ben Quick, of being responsible for the barn bruning. Some old dude is like, "We can't prove ya did it, but you best get out of town, anyway - or else!!" Lol, what are they going to do? They can't even properly investigate a crime - there's no way they can get it together enough to punish Ben in any real way. But ok, Ben leaves. He's already packed for some reason? Please tell me why this nigga is walking around in a sweaty ass shirt and dirty ass suitcase with the clothes hanging out?? And please tell me why when he arrives in the next town or whatever he hops off that cargo boat into the water and gets all his shit wet - like who is this animal? Lol could you be making a worse impression on whatever new people you're about to meet? 

So he's hitchhiking and he continues to look like an untrustable sort of character. I mean, I'd pick him up cuz he's hot. Hmmm, or maybe not. His eyes are sort of scary and embalmed. Lol, they're like translucent. Nah, you're a lizard. Joanne and Lee Remick's characters, Clara and Eula, are riding down the road in a car presumably. Joanne doesn't want to stop for Ben because she's a bitter old twenty-three year old super-old bittery bitter spinster old old old. But Eula, super-pretty and full of life and boobs or whatever, tells Clara to pull over for some nigga actually named Ben Quick. Your name sounds like you specialize in premature ejaculation porn. Like does any1 even need to know about the barn-burning stuff? Like I all need to hear is Paul Newman being like "Quick, Ben Quick", or however douchey way he says his name, and I know I need to be on the exact opposite end of wherever this nigga is ever standing. 

Okay quick quiz. Guess which one is the bittery old as fuck twenty three year old spinstery spin spinster???? I don't get how Clara could be bitter with those cunt ass art hoe aesthetic baby bangs. Like they're amazing. And her fucking eyebrows are you serious fam. Like her whole look is killing it and, you know, anger and bitterness sort of goes with the theme. Like she probably doesn't even care about being perpetually unfucked - it goes with her fucking aesthetic hello this is art, honey!! 

So Ben gets in the car because Eula made Clara pull over and pick him up. Like I get it, but also I don't. He looks suspicious but also he's Paul Newman - such a dilemma. Well, not for Eula, who is super-bubbly and all Southern Belle-y, but like a sort of progressive Southern Belle? Like she admonishes their town, and really relishes in this slutty aesthetic she's giving off. So Eula's pumped for the male company; Clara not so much. Right away she's irritated with Ben and like doesn't even speak to him for most of the ride but then Ben makes a comment about how they must be a couple of fun time gals and Clara tells him in her snappy, sort of acidic way not to get any ideas. Then when they drop him off at the town square or wherever, Ben is barely out of the car before Clara just speeds away. Like, I love her immediately and never want her to give in to Ben's advances which is a terrible sort of mindset to be going into this film with, as you know eventually she will. And it'll be sort of gross?? 

Ben goes to ask the townspeople about work. What a world this movie is set in. Ben just pops up in some random town like "yeah whatever I'll just be here now", asks around about work, tells people his name even though he's infamous for being a supposed barn burner, shows up to the house of the man that owns the town and just walks right up and is like "give me a job" and gets one???? lol okay. Like, again, I get it, because he's Paul Newman and has that fucking face and all that charming ass shit going on, but there's a limit to attractiveness and charm, right? Lol, there has to be. Like you can't just be a well-known supposed arsonist and people are just like *shrug* "There he goes" and also "Let me give this nigga a job". Like he's hot, in too many ways, you know?? Haha that was just some arsonist-related humor for you right there. 

When Ben goes up to the Varner house, he runs into Clara out on the porch talking with her desperate ass friend. Before Ben arrived, they were both sort of lamenting about being single as fuck spinsters forever. Her friend is such a sad-o like "All my friends from high school are already married and post pics of their hubby and kids on Facebook all the time ack ack ack" and "I'm single as fuck I'll take anyone like I'm the type of individual who'd write love letters to Scott Peterson in priz cuz he's so dreamy heart eye emoji lol". It's crazy that they're talking this way. Like, Clara's friend says fake-optimistically "We're both still on the green side of 25" or some shit and I'm like "????????". You're under twenty-five years of age sitting around dreaming about being married and having a bunch of ugly fucking kids??? Since when??? Omg Clara's friend is like "I'm so bored!! I just want to go home to a husband and boil him some disgusting steak and look at our disgusting kids and maybe there's some flavorless sweet cream in the ice box and then after we eat dinner at six o'clock I want to sit around waiting to see what the night unfolds. Probably nothing, but maybe something!!! But probably nothing tho lol!!" Like I wanted to cry @ everything she was saying it was horrific. And it made me uncomfortable that Clara wasn't like turning her face up. It was annoying I couldn't see on her face that she was mentally unfriending this bitch in her head. However, after this scene, we never have to see that bitch again, so maybe Clara did unfriend her, and I am so happy. Omg! I'm forgetting she's the sister of that momma's boy ass freak Clara is...dating??? REMEMBER HOW SHE SAID SHE WONDERED WHAT SEXUAL THINGS HER BROTHER THINKS ABOUT AND THEN FANNED HERSELF LIKE SHE WAS HOT AND BOTHERED??? What kind of...

Should I talk about Clara's "boyfriend"? Like, I don't want to because omg maybe everything about his character is super homophobic???? Like he's clearly gay. If not, he's 100% involved in a disturbing incestuous relationship with his mother and/or sister and why is this the only nigga Clara can get. Lol, like, this movie shades her the entire time and I just don't understand. Like, is the movie punishing her for having convictions and shit??? For having desires beyond like, boiling steak for some ugly dude with no Netflix account?? I don't get how this movie/people in the movie even treat her. Like Clara has a job as a teacher and is cool and strong or whatever - like, why is everyone so desperate for her to get booed up, and why is even Clara secretly deep down super-desperate for that, too?? She's twenty-three!! This movie is insane!!!

I'm upset. Let me post that pic of Paul Newman with the watermelon

Yes, gooooood. 

So blah blah Ben gets a job on the Varner estate, but only because Jody, the son, doesn't know anything about him. Anyway, Jody is super-preoccupied with being all over his wife, Eula. The real head of the household, Orca Whales, is in the hospital. When he comes home and finds out Jody hired Ben, he sort of goes off. Because he knows about the Quick name. Let's talk about Orca rq. 

........Why does he look like this??...

...Wha...

1. Why is he brown? Is it supposed to be...like...redneck blackface or something? I am so confused.

2. Why are his eyebrows at 10 when I need them to be at at least a three???

3. Why is he wearing a robe in like hundred degree heat? EVERYONE in this movie is super-sweaty like all the time why the fuck is he walking around in Santa Claus' house clothes outside in the summer Southern heat?????? 

4. Why is he so loud/extra. Why is he here *puts my hand super way up* when I need him *lowers my hand way down* here?? Hm???? 

Orca is super blustery. He's all loud and Big Poppa this Big Daddy that. I want to throw up?? He hates his son Jody because he's like weak or unfocused or not as fat as him??? (???) Also lowkey it seems like Jody maybe is a bastard or illegitimate? Whatever, I don't care about Baby Boy's whiney ass daddy issues. Like, you're a grown man, get it together. Orca's relationship to his daughter is different in that it seems he actually...doesn't actively hate her like he does his son lol. Nah, I don't even think he hates his son, he's just like a bad dad?? Like, totally. Because all he wants for Clara is for her to get married even though she's only twenty-three and has other things going on in her life. Like, he barely regards her as a human being. Clara even asks him, like, "hello do u see me as a person or nah?" and he sort of ignores her and is like MARRY THAT QUEER OR MARRY BEN EITHER WAY YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED. Like, who she marries doesn't even matter just as long as she hurries the heck up and does it??? Wtf. And Clara doesn't even like Ben and hello! He's a known supposed arsonist!! Don't you have any respect for your daughter at all? What if he tries to set fire to Clara, hmm??? Or does that not matter as long as her obit says she was survived by "husband....etc"?? You're a mess and this movie is a mess and I want Ben to burn everything to the ground. Wait should I talk about how Ben isn't even a barn burner?? Well...he never straight comes out and denies it, he just says his dad did it a lot when he was a kid. So I just assumed that's how he got the rep. But maybe Ben did some, too? Lol like that's...never cleared up...

So whatever, Orca super-wants Clara to get married. She's really into that momma's boy Alan, but Ben is making a bunch of moves on her. Also Ben is really immersing himself in her life and her space and stuff which is not creepy at all. Like he gets promoted to a job as a clerk at a Varner store just because Orca wants him to marry Clara. BUT LIKE JUST BEFORE HE PROMOTED BEN WASN'T HE SCREAMING AT JODY FOR HIRING A BARN BURNER??? Like, consistency, I beg of you. 

So whatevz. Ben gets a job at the store and Orca is all obsessed with him like "I like yew!! Yew got spunk!! Yew ol' barn burner yew!! MARRY MY FUCKING DAUGHTER AND PRODUCE AN ASSEMBLY LINE OF CHILDREN SO THERE CAN BE A BIG PARADE AT MY FUNERAL WHEN I DIE." So Ben & Clara get this sort of antagonisty, love/hate relationshit brewing. Ben is sort of gross and predatory. Clara is pretty explicit about her distaste for Ben. She thinks he's crass and too much like her loud ass daddy, who's probably the type of dude you sit next to on the train or bus with his legs spread out really wide. Unless you have elephantiasis of the balls, close your fucking legs this is a personal PSA from me close ur damn legs u small dicked bitches. Ben says gross shit like, "When a lady says no she pretty much all the time always means yes". Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmminterestingmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmthat's really fascinating ben pleammmmmmsemmmmmmmmmmtell memmmmmmmmoreeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This whole "no means yes" thing has been 100% debunked by now, right? This movie was set in the fifities, I believe, so maybe ppl were still buying into that ideal. But honestly, Fifty Shades of Grey exists in this modern era, so idk if we've really evolved at all. But let me say right now that "when a woman says no she really means yes" has 100% never been true ever. Women are taught to be submissive and meek and shit, so if a bitch is gathering up enough "manly" courage to say no to something, it's because she fucking means it. But enough of my feminist gobbledygook, amirite?? Like why can't I just shut my stupid feminist cunt-shaped mouth up and enjoy the film, hmm???? I'm not even sure we as the audience are supposed to be accepting 100% everything Ben says. I see little instances that make me think the audience is supposed to at least be waggling their finger at him like,"wrong move there, ol' sport"...maybe? Like the 1950s audience understands women have a mind of their own. But also they agree that women, at the end of the day, need to be told what to do and have their decisions made for them. So maybe a woman like Clara is independent enough to reject advances and offers from a gentlemen caller. It is up to that gentlemen caller to push past all that rejection, all those constant nos, and keep badgering and beating down on this bitch until he gets a yes. She doesn't even have to say yes, she just needs to be weak enough to submit :))) I definitely don't think the audience is supposed to be on Orca Whales' side, though, right? He's portrayed as being sort of a tacky, old-school brute, and I think his obsession with Clara getting married is supposed to make him look out of touch and sort of like the bad guy. But.........the ending??? I don't...know...how I feel. LIKE OKAY. I shipped Ben & Clara. I did, even though Ben made me uncomfortable with how he pressured Clara and made all those comments about her spinsterhood and how he knows she just needs some good dick and all that gross stuff. They had good chemistry and Clara was definitely attracted to him so idk sigh. I wonder in real life, though, if being attracted to someone is like enough. Would she and Ben get on longterm? Especially if he expected her to be a proper wife? Though some stuff at the end, like the little speech he gave Orca, makes me think he finally came to recognize what a great, whole woman Clara really was? But also I remember him 100% ignoring Clara's big speech at the picnic/fair thing. Like she said all that shit and then he was just like "no matter where you go, or how you dye your hair, I will find you" like...okaaaay...did you listen to anything she said about how she's an amazing woman and wants a whole bunch of shit out of life? You're just like "yeah yeah yeah try to hide from me by dyeing your hair black and watch me catch you, bitch!!!"

I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS MOVIE OR WHAT THE MESSAGE IS. Is there a message? It might simply just be a movie about an unfucked twenty-three year old who's about to get un-unfucked by the new guy in town played by Paul Newman and possibly he burned up some barns, but definitely he'll be burning up some loins. Ayo...murder me. 

The Cell (2000)

I had no real expectations for this movie going in, I think. I was interested in it because I think it was mentioned in one of those listicles like "20 Underrated Movies You've Never Seen" or some bullshit like that. My image of this movie, prior to watching it, was basically J.Lo looking like this

Like anytime I've ever seen this movie mentioned, the photo above accompanied it, and I always wondered if this movie was like a feature-length version of an Aaliyah video, except starring J.Lo, which  did not really appeal to me at all in any way. Also it starred Vince Vaughn? Like way to make something already unappealing-seeming seem even more unappealing???? But, again, I recently-ish saw this movie mentioned as a movie that is lowkey not that bad, possibly even good and/or interesting. Also Tarsem Singh directed it. That was appealing to me? Even though the only thing of his I've seen is The Fall. But I like really loved The Fall, and if the dude who made The Fall made some other shit, well I have to see it. loljk because I just looked up his filmography and he made Mirror Mirror and there's just no way I'm ever watching that, but nice try, sweetie. 

This movie is definitely not that bad, possibly even good and/or interesting. Like, at first when it was starting, I had my finger gripped tightly to the remote because I was ready to shut this down at any moment. The opening credits were ticking off the cast and I was like "siiiigh". None of my faves, not even any of my embarrassing faves like an always miscast Stephen Dorff, or one of my weird faves, like an itchy-looking Fairuza Balk - none of them niggas. Like, if Dylan Baker is the most interesting name I see in the credits, that's a problem. Like Dylan Baker is cool, but, like, he's not a !surprise Giovanni!, you know?? And omfg when I saw Vincent D'Onofrio's name. I have an irrational hate for this dude for no reason? I think maybe it's because he played like the grossest alien in Men in Black and that's just been like scarred in my brain ever since?? Because he's like a good actor I think? So there's no reason for me to want to vomit every time I see him?? And definitely the more I'm exposed to him, the easier he has been to digest lol, and I definitely thought he was the best actor here. Of course, he had the best part as the killer, and got to have a weird pre-No Country for Old Men alt-villain haircut. That helped. Where's his fifth place best supporting actor in a musical and/or comedy Globes nom???

No, that musical and/or comedy thing was a simple funny joke I did. This movie is straight-up not funny or a musical, though very easily it could be both? Like it's a little cheesy, and 100% I could see this being made into a Broadway extravaganza. Like Idina Menzel shrilly belting a bunch of songs about being a super-hot, super-sweet psychologist who's the only one who can reach the deep center of boy brains due to her super-hot, super-sweetness??? Yes. And like, all the costumes in this movie?? Very jazz hands. Like, even the sleeping suit thing J.Lo had to wear when she went under? Just very high-drama. Also a little Battlefield Earth-y, but let's ignore that. 

So, anyway, the movie is starting off and I lowkey want to stop watching it. It opens on this sort of dream sequence-y esque thing with J.Lo as like some beautiful fairy princess sort, walking through a desert or some shit? And there's some weird pompous-y boy in like shorts and a shirt and he's weird and J.Lo is trying to get him to go on a boat ride, but he's talking about some monster or boogey man or some shit that won't let him. Then J.Lo presses between her thumb and pointer finger, as if trying to ease a tension headache, and she wakes up from this dream thing. Turns out she had like teleported into this boy's brain. The boy is in a coma and she's trying to waken him. Presumably he's in the coma for psychological reasons, though I didn't pick up on this until later in the film. 

J.Lo works at some weird place that is weird because her job is teleporting inside people's brains. Really, just that one boy's. I think the doctors are running a trial on him to see if their teleporting brain thing is a successful invention, before they, I guess, introduce it to the wider public. The boy's dad wants to pull him out of the trial and enter him into a proper hospital, as he is frustrated with the lack of results. But J.Lo says her walking around inside his son's brain is working, she just needs more time. Blah blah she gets six more months. Then we find out there's an extreme thing J.Lo wants to do with the boy, but the other doctors say it's too risky. Obviously it's something that would cause J.Lo to get lost inside this boy's brain forever probably, and this will not be the first time I will wonder why the fuck anyone would want to do this job but okaaaaaay!! 

Vincent D'Onofrio is playing some freak who's murdering a bunch of bitches. He has an obsession with albinism? Like, his dog is albino and he bleaches his victims? I think they mentioned it had something to do with purity, I guess? Honestly, I feel like his albinism obsession wasn't properly explained - they just wanted some weird serial killer quirk for him. But it's like, isn't being a serial killer...quirky enough??? Like. They have this nigga drowning hos in a huge glass case of water like he thinks he's Jon Polito in Blankman, and also they have him suspending himself in the air from hooks? Like my dude has shower curtain rings permanently implanted in his back?? Okay but how did he get them there?? Did he like ask a friend?? No he didn't. This dude has never had a friend. Okay, maybe he paid someone. But who? And how did he go about asking to even get this done?? Come on, you can't just throw weird shit on the screen and not give me explanations for it, even if this is a ~sci fi fantasy~ thing and you're supposed to suspend disbelief or whatever?? Like J.Lo is transporting herself into other people's brains. Do I not have any questions about how exactly the fuck she's doing that I meaaaaaan. 

Vince Vaughn comes on the scene when Vinny D dumps one of his bodies near a lake or some shit. Why does he dump that body? Doesn't he keep them and make dolls? I think Vince mentions that he thinks Vinny D wants to get caught - ok but why?? It's a cry for help? Lol okay. Vince Vaughn is playing a cop and sort of immediately I checked no Juliet. Like, what was he doing here? I feel like he was trying something, but it was not...working. It was like you could see him thinking in his brain "ima a copc ima  cop i,a m a loner dedicated cop blah five o clock shadoooowwww i sleep at work cuz im so dedicated and somtorutred and omg coopppppp". Like, spare me and please and stop it right now. Omg that fucking story he told J.Lo about how he used to be a lawyer and he tried to get this molester put in jail but there was a technicality so the molester got off free and then literally the next day he went to the girl's house and murdered her and was just sitting on the couch with her gouged-out corpse body when the parents walked in - LOL PLEEEEASSSSEEEEEEEEE. That story was 100% over the top and ridiculous and, maybe, it could have been sold. By a better actor. But in zero way by Vince Vaughn. Omg the more I think about this movie the less slightly good it seems lol. Like lowkey it might've been trash?? lol idk

So Vinny D's next victim is Tara Subkoff. Can we talk about when she gets off the elevator in the parking garage and has her mace out and shit but her car is literally like five feet away?? And she's like taking all fucking day to walk over to it?? Lol wtf. The only explanation for that mess is that maybe she was attacked in a parking garage before or someone else was at that particular one and so she's just extra cautious?? Okay, but then explain the super-slow fucking walking?? Why not run?? AND EXPLAIN TO ME PLEASE why the fuck she'd get out of her car when she sees that dog?? Why is a dog in a parking garage that is presumably not on the first floor? And okay. A dog is in a parking garage - fine. Honk your motherfucking horn until it moves and then pull your fucking car out. Don't goddamn get out! Why is a dog there?? And what are you going to do once you walk over to it?? Was this meant to display her ~sweet~ ~caring~ nature or some shit? Dumb and stupid nature, more like but okaaaaaay. The dog is Vinny D's. Oh 100% I'm forgetting she thought she hit the dog while pulling out lol. Even more reason not to get out of your car but alright. Anyway, this is how Vinny D ends up snatching this bitch. Fun for the whole family. Can we talk about how Peter Sarsgaard played her fiancé person and he got like no screentime? This movie is bullshit, I've decided. Like I thought I liked it but how the fuck do you have Peter Sarsgaard and not properly utilize him?? Ya blew it, Tarsem. Ya blew it. 

So Vince and his crew end up getting a bunch of leads on Vinny D - like his whereabouts and shit? Yo, real quick, what was up with Vince Vaughn's partner? Whyyyyyy anything? Why was he always on the phone and why was he so all up in Vince V's shit?? Idk, he was sort of weird and I kept expecting for something to come of him but nothing ever did?? Um, okay. So they figure out where Vinny D lives. They surround Vinny D's house while he's inside taking a bath and being, in general, a fucking freak. He starts having some weird seizure just as they make a move to ambush him. Once the squat team and all them niggas get inside Vinny D's house, he's passed out. Tara Subkoff isn't there. Vince V is all mad and stuff. He gets even more madder and stuff when he finds out Vinny D has some bullshit called "Whalen's Infraction" which lowkey I thought was real and feel dumb now that I looked it up and it's not haha. But anyway, it's a made-up for this movie form of schizophrenia that is activated by trauma in water?? Like it puts you into a perma-coma. It's also the thing I think the boy J.Lo and those doctors are working on has. Which brings Vince Vaughn and his crew to them. 

Vince V and his crew want J.Lo and her crew to dig inside Vinny D's brain to see if they can find out where he's hidden Tara Subkoff. So this is going to be a race to the last minute sort of thing where the glass encasement Vinny D put Tara in starts filling up with water while J.Lo is inside Vinny D's brain trying to coax Tara's location out of him blah blah. I rolled my eyes at how the rest of this movie would play out, but was interested to see what mess would be inside Vinny D's brain. Turns out, it's Matt from Lizzie McGuire running around, playing with fucking horses and being abused by some faceless father and, overall, the inside of Vinny D's brain was pretty predictable lol. Like, of course that horse was going to get sliced into a bunch of pieces. Um, helllloo. Can we talk about that horse thing? Who am I talking to??? Imdb trivia tells me that fall down glass slicing shit is inspired by a Damien Hirst installation?? An installation called "Some Comfort Gained from the Acceptance of the Inherent Lies in Everything". I first saw an "homage" to this installation in Hannibal, which is what the horse thing made me think of. I was all like "oh, did Bryan Fuller get that idea from this movie? Hmm, I feel uncomfortable he took inspiration from this" lol, but I guess he got it from this Damien character. I still feel uncomfortable. I just want to think Bryan Fuller comes up with all that shit in Hannibal on the spot. But um okay the show is not even an original concept so wtf am I talking about?? Also, what's the difference between "inspired by" and "straight-up just stole that shit"???

J.Lo leaves Vinny D's brain after a short while when she gets scared. She's all like "I don't want to do that again". Then Vince Vaughn tries to make her feel guilty with his probably made-up story about that molester. Probably he wasn't even a proper laywer. He was one of those 1-800-OOPSIES type of lawyers but got his shit shut down for malpractice or serving bad donuts in the lobby or some shit. So now he's a cop because you don't have to shower as much. J.Lo goes back into Vinny D's brain a second time to try to find out where the fuck he put Tara Subkoff. She ends up talking to him and he overpowers her, trapping her in his brain. The other doctors say that if J.Lo starts to think what's happening to her is real...she can die or some shit. Okay shouldn't they have something in place that would prevent that from happening? Like what happened to the in between her thumb and finger pressing thing?? Did she forget about that or

So whatever. J.Lo is stuck in Vinny D's brain, so they send in Vince Vaughn after her. He meets up with her and she's like Vinny D's slave and this is the part that's sort of like an Aaliyah video. Or some shit late-nineties vampire film. That's like super fucking gay in a not at all self-aware sort of way. Vince is all "wake up, J.Lo!!!" Eventually she does, yada yada yada she stabs Vinny D. Vince V gets his clue for where Tara is located and it's time to bounce. J.Lo doesn't want to leave young Vinny D in his brain?? Like alone?? Do you not...understand how this brain teleporting shit works? Hmmmm. Like, I barely do, but I feel like I know enough to know that...that boy stays there, and you leave and that's that. Except SIIIGH, it's not. They both wake up and Vince takes off to go find Tara, but J.Lo goes against orders and puts herself back under. The other doctors are all like "nooo", but she locked them out and they can't get in to wake her up blaaah. She goes back inside Vinny D's brain to kill younger Vinny D and release him from his misery. Idk, man. Like, does the mind version of Vinny D even really exist in any real way? Like...hmm. Vinny D is in a coma...idk...howwwwwwwww. Like does the mind version of younger Vinny D actually exist if...Vinny D isn't cognizant? And okay, he's trapped inside there...but how real is it?? Ugh, idk, why am I trying to get real tangible answers from a sci-fi fantasy film. I just don't see why it matters to kill younger Vinny D if Vinny D is in a permanent coma. Like it seems like younger version Vinny D trapped inside his brain would only suffer if Vinny D was...awake...but okaaaay, I guess not??? Whatever, J.Lo kills that boy, which ends up killing real-life Vinny D?????? Then she takes Vinny D's dog and Vince Vaughn thinks she's weird for doing that and I sort of do too but okay who else was gonna take the dog? The end. Oh, Vince V ended up saving Tara right at the last moment eyerolllllllllllllllllllllll.com/screamingathimshootingattheglasslikewhatifheshotherlolbutokay

Writing this rambly, stream of consciousy  "recap" didn't really help me to figure out if I liked this movie or nah. Immediately after it went off I was like, "eh, not bad...nottttt bad", but remembering it, I'm remembering it in a slightly more negative light? Like, both J.Lo and Vince Vaughn needed to take several seats in some acting classes before they signed up to this shit, and a lot of elements of the movie were really overwrought and full of cheez whiz, but I still thought it was sort of a coolish film? I liked some imagery, though a lot of it was very late nineties, which made me want to die a little. The late nineties were so garish in like a tech boom sort of way which is very ugh. But Tarsem sort of has a beautiful hand, maybe? I can't tell yet. He might just really be into colors and I'm really into colors and maybe I'm being blinded by my love for colors and can't see that his shit is actually hella ridiculous. I really don't want to watch the other movies he's seemed to have done, to be able to figure it out. Like Mirror, Mirror - no. The Immortals? Come on, what are you playing at. Also he's done a bunch of music videos? But for like R.E.M. lol nooooo, no thank yoouuuuu. Maybe I'll just rewatch The Fall and see if I was right for liking it. I saw that way back when I was 18 or some shit. I knew nothing at 18. That movie is probably trash, I just got lost in Lee Pace's fucking forehead caterpillars. Oh god, that's what happened isn't it?? I'm still not watching Halt and Catch Fire sigh. How the fuck do you renew that and not Rubicon? Come on!

Cyrus: Mind of a Serial Killer (2010)

So Jamie from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers is here playing a TV news reporter trying to get the scoop on some fucking serial killer. She gets a call from some dude saying he has info on this killer. Right, so Jamie from Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and Halloween 5: I Guess He Returned Again, goes to this "tipster's" house. WHO in their right fucking mind would go to someone's house claiming to know a fucking serial killer?? I'm not sure exactly what this nigga said on the phone - like, did he imply he was besties with Cyrus on the phone? - but all I'd need to hear was "Hey, I know more than I need to about some serial killer dude", and that would be enough for me to do absolutely the exact fucking opposite of everything Jamie does in this movie. Not limited to, but including, going to this nigga's house, being in this nigga's house, speaking to this nigga, breathing this nigga's air, looking in this nigga's face without protective goggles on; acknowledging this obviously crazy nigga in any way. 

This Nigga is played by my sort of sometimes boo, Lance Henriksen. He...called Jamie up--like, wasn't he the one who tipped her off about the serial killer?? Whom he's supposedly friends with?? What are all these fucking redflags, though? Who would do that, and why wouldn't a journalist be hella suspicious about this shit? And why would you go to his house?? I'm never going to the house of a person who's like, "haha I have souvenirs from these murders my friend did". Like, cool, bro, coooool. No, I don't want to see them, but it'd be totally fucking choice if you could lose my number - like. 

Jamie and her cameraman go to this nigga's house without any back-up or anything. They don't alert the cops or text their moms to tell them where they'll be - nothing. So I instantly have zero concerns for what happens to them. There's just too much stupidity going on here for me to really care about anyone I'm supposed to care about. Am I discriminating against dummies?? 200%, yes. Why did I keep watching this movie after Lance Henriksen pulled out that box of IDs he had of all the girls/women Cyrus supposedly killed? WHY DOES HE HAVE THOSE?! And why would they keep being in his house after that?? First of all, I immediately suspected Lance Henny was Cyrus. I thought it was so obvious he was Cyrus. In real life, if it super-seems like someone definitely murdered someone, you would immediately get away from them forever???? Like, even if you feel lowkey silly for suspecting someone of being a murderer, you still suspect them, and you're not going to be in their house. This movie wants to play games and have me believe someone would not only go into their house, but get aggressive with them, and harass them into doing an interview. Okay, I don't have time for this mess. Except I do because I kept watching???

Whatever, Lance Henny turned out to not be Cyrus, but actually this nigga's friend. Blah blah they set it up so Lance H could lead Jamie and the cameraman to Cyrus' kill hole so he could...kill them. Can we talk about...howwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...why? Why...?...in the flashbacks, when Cyrus still had his wife and kid - why did that look like it took place in like the fifties?? It was definitely an old-timey time, right? And how come like three years after his wife died...did they change the actor playing him? So bizarre. Was this meant as an age progression? Since when is an age progression ever needed for three years? Like, a baby to a toddler - yeah. But like...a 25 year oldish dude to a 28 year oldish dude?? Is he a meth-addled former child star? Like, wtf. And then...Cyrus 2.0...is supposed to be how old? Idk, but why when they show him in that flashback with Lance Henny, LH is really old and then they flash-forward and they both look the same??? Shouldn't Cyrus 2.0 have aged and LH be dead??? This movie is true trash. 

Remember the ginger actress who played Cyrus' whore wife? Why was she so aggressively bad at acting? Really? She was the one who emerged among all the actresses that tried out for that mess part? Actually, I'd entirely believe if she was the only one who auditioned. I mean, come on. Also, why was Rae Dawn Chong's appearance made out to be bigger than it actually ended up being? She had like a few minutes of screentime as the victim of a serial killer? Like, she survived. Oh-kay? I thought she was going to end up being the older version of that blasian from the trio of friends? But then Cyrus yanked out her intestines, so I guess not?? 

Sigh, this movie was bad and dumb and I felt bad and dumb for watching it. So thus concludes this bad and dumb review thing about it sigh. 

I'm really annoyed I don't have a pic of that dehydrated ass baby corpse in that crib. If this movie did one thing right, it was having a woman pretend to breastfeed a years-old decomposing baby corpse. Good job on making that something I can never unsee, I guess??

Blood, Episode 3

I don't know why I get excited about the cliffhangers at the end of kdrama episodes. Like, last ep I'm all OMG HE'S TURNING INTO A FUCKING VAMP IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING A SURGERY. Forgetting this nigga could simply excuse himself. Which Ji-sang does. I mean, he's definitely given the side-eye by all of his colleagues for bouncing in the middle of surgery, but whatever. At least they didn't see him turn into a fucking vampire???

So Jae-wook is lowkey highkey disappointed Ji-sang didn't turn into a vampire in front of everyone, right? He, like me, forgot Ji-sang could just be like "lol brb" and go get his shit together. I'm frowny facing, too, Jae-wook. Like, I get you. We complete each other, long story short. 

Ji-sang is freaking out and angry shaking and stuff. He goes back to his office to get his pills, but then he has some weird flashback memory stroke to when Hyun-woo gave them those super-pills that are supposed to make him super-superior? Idfk. At first I thought he was suspecting Hyun-woo of being the one to fuck with his medication, but it just turned out to be Ji-sang remembering he had the super-pills in his coat pocket. He takes one and shit. 

When Ji-sang returns to the surgery room, Jae-wook is saaaallllltttttyyyy. 

He's all fake like,

And by are you okay he means, "Nigga, I fucked with your medicine why the fuck u good rn???" 

Ji-sang is like,

So now everyone thinks he left in the middle of surgery to go take a dook. 

screeeeee a a ming

Remember when Ji-sang yelled at that nurse "Kelly!!"?? Never forget. No, seriously, what is a Kelly? Also, who is Ji-sang getting buck with?? When he first asked for the Kelly he said it super-softly, right? Because he was still freaking out and waiting for his medicine to kick in or something and being weird as hell and everyone's looking like <.< >.>. Like, chill, my family. Everyone knows you just did a shit. At least, that's what you told them. You can't get buck with anyone 1. screaming at them for something called a "kelly" and 2. when you just got back from doing a bunch of diarrhea. No one's respecting you at this point in the game. 

Jae-wook's watching the surgery like^^. I guess super-fascinated/confused that him fucking with Ji-sang's medication didn't produce expected results? I really want to root for Jae-wook because he is my angel. However, he has maybe really bad intentions for Ji-sang? Lol, I feel like that's really obvious, but...in a way, it's not?? He's definitely experimenting with him, which is fucked up, and maybe I shouldn't be rooting for a clearly abusive relationship to take place. Also! omg! I'm starting to suspect...Jae-wook and Ji-sang are definitely related in some way. Maybe Jae-wook's not Ji-sang's daddy...but maybe his uncle? Something. I know it! I better be right I swear to god u bitch

YO WTF IS THIS SHIT JI-SANG PULLED OUT OF THAT BODY??? IS THAT A HAM ROAST LIKE. Nah, it was a tumor. Yo, how do you grow some shit like that in your body? That's disgusting and it's what happens to people who use like Axe deodorant. What do you think they put in that intelligent women repellent hmm??? 

This nigga is hating after Ji-sang's successful ham hock removal surgery. I can see in your nostrils, b. I wonder what Shia Labeouf is doing right now? 

So Jae-wook is douchey and doesn't wanna give Ji-sang all his props because though the surgery was successful, there was a five minute delay cuz Ji-sang had to dookie. 

Ri-ta annoys me by saying some shit I have to agree with. 

Since when does the rest of the world go by essentially "quality over quantity"? Since fucking never. The faster you can crank out whatever the fuck, the faster you can sell your shit and get that $$$$. Where does Jae-wook live? Come on, daughter, don't do this. 

Why is Ri-ta always giving Jae-wook looks that I 100000% always agree with? I swear to god if I hate Jae-wook by the end of this series I'm blaming Ri-ta's Italian Ice. She better stop side-eyeing my son and making me lol and nod and shit. I'm not here for this!!! 

YAANSHSN a Ji-sang/Jae-wook confrontation in the hallway post-surgery. Ji-sang is cutting his eyes at this nigga so hard I can't breaaaathe. He doesn't even remotely try to conceal his hatred like I just feel so bad for Jae-wook, he just wants his son only in his head to love him. Hmm, well...maybe stop fucking with him and stuff??? Like maybe don't do all the shit you do to him? For example, having both his parents killed and items of that nature??? 

LOOK AT HOW HE'S LOOOOOOOKING AT HIIIIM. Also how delicate and young does Ji-sang look? He looks like he's dressed up in a surgeon's costume to go trick or treating. Please stop @ this show's casting director. 

Jae-wook is so thirsty. "I am always on your side." Like, damn, keep your cards concealed, homey. And I love how sassy and irritated Ji-sang is, like *eyerolleyereoll* "I'm fine on my own, ugh". He treats Jae-wook like some thirsty bum "politely" catcalling him on the street. Saying a lot of nice things about his thick thighs and what not, but overall being a very annoying and unwanted grotesque presence. And I live 100% FOR IT. 

I cr riiieeedd. Jae-wook is saying all that stuff about how much he loves Ji-sang or whatever creeper shit he's always going on about and Ji-sang is like "uh huh uh huh", like tryna get away from this nigga and the convo ends and he like rudely bows. He just bows his head like one millimeter down a little. I'm throwing the fuck up he is soooo rude. And then as he's walking away HE ROLLS HIS EYES AND IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL and I'm so sad I didn't screen capture that shit like why am I completely worthless as a human being. Idk, man. Also I misspelled worthless at first and autocorrect corrected it to motherless? Okay autocorrect like what are u trying to say????

Ji-sang goes up to the hospital roof to phone up Hyun-woo, his live-in beau, and hurl abuse at him for fucking up his dosage or whatever the fuck he's accusing him of. Then he has some CW drama worthy breakdown, falling to the floor and crying or whatever mess. sKsipsksiiskskskiip

Sigh. It's time for some Cary Grant/Kate Hepburn or Irene Dunne maybe witty mean banter sparring foreplay stuff???? It's time for these two dummies to continue pretending they really hate each other when we all know they both wanna smash?? Like *Ji-sang eyeroll*. Ri-ta gets in Ji-sang's way as he's coming back from his little temper tantrum up on the roof.  

Exaaaccctly. He could have at least embellished a little more. Like he simply just stated he had a tummy ache. He should have goosed it up by gripping at his stomach and like bending his knees together and acting like all his entire insides were about to volcano out upside down from his anus hole. Like saying you have a stomach ache with the same demeanor you would tell someone the time is not getting you any Korean acting awards. Make me believe you have to poop really bad. Get method if you have to ;)

So Ri-ta accuses Ji-sang of being mentally unwell, saying he looks "like a person diagnosed with panic disorder". Lol ok. Ji-sang is all,

Right? But also don't change the subject. Do you have mental problems or?? Cuz that's not cute in a surgery room. Like it's interesting from a drama perspective, but in real life I want my surgeon to not be a lunatic or Woody Allen or a vampire, do you comprehend or nah?? 

JI-SANG SUCKS HIS TEETH IN LIKE A CUTE WAY???? I want to die, kdrama acting ticks are my faaaaave why is my life so emmptttttyyyyyy. 

Ri-ta says she's filing for some review to be done on Ji-sang's mental state. Like, get off his dick but okay. 

In response, Ji-sang starts listing shit that annoys him??? Three things, specifically??

Yeah, I guess that can grate. Though, there are like a kadillion of them. So, like, just go to the one two feet over or??

Is he flipping fried eggs like pancakes? First of all, no. Two, use like that pan spray stuff or butter the pan first?? I only suggested that pan spray shit because it's a thing that exists. I don't use it though because it probably gets cancer on your eggs. But I bet it'd be a cute look for you. Not for me, sweetie, but on you, :*) beautiful.

Yeah, agreed, this is legit bothersome. Like, move. Right??? 

Okay but how is someone supposed to ask permission to block you without first getting in your way to ask for permission come on Ji-sang think use ur fucking noodle my nigga

Ji-sang also adds a fourth thing that annoys him.

THE SHADE OF IFMHABTBSHE ALAALLALLL. 

Ri-ta is devastated. Why is she so easily dragged by this nigga?? She 100% never has a comeback and is always crumbled by him. Wow, didn't you go to medical school? Aren't you at least smart? Can't you verbally acid toss some smart ppl clapback at his ass?? Wow, get it together, girl. Collect all your edges and go back to the drawing board of your life because this shit is unacceptable. Look for where you went horribly wrong. Do not come back until you have it fi--oh, you know what. You were raised by a nun, right? Because remember how later in the episode that becomes a plot point I don't care about?? Riiight.

Ri-ta and her uncle who I've figured out is the chairman of the hospital (???), are having some weird talk at her house. She's still mad at him about doing his job and he's like "awww r u still mad @ meeee???". Idk, they're creepy. Ri-ta forgives him and then starts offering unsolicited dating advice to her unk??? He gets all bashful and weird, squirming in his seat and shit. Idk, fast-forward @ all of this, tbh.

JI-SANG IS AT HOME TAKING AN ICE BATH???????

That fucking robot comes in and starts saying shit. Ji-sang is like, "um, do you knock?" and this fucking piece of shit ipad trashcan is like "knock, knock,,knocNO IT'S TOO LATE, NIGGA. YOU DON'T KNOCK ONCE YOU'VE ALREADY BARGED INTO A ROOM. IF YOU WERE SO FUCKING SMART, YOU'D KNOW THIS

This spy traitor Oscar the Grouch by Apple starts checking Ji-sang's vitals. 

It points a laser at Ji-sang's chest??? umm,mmmm"""????

"I'll check my own, so..." <<<<but me, tho. And who is the robot getting loud with?? If he said that shit I'd start wildly thrashing about in the tub, making sure that shit fucking broke, and probably getting my ass fucking lasered to death in the process :')

So Hyun-woo is being a fucking genius and figuring out what happened with Ji-sang at work. But honestly, I can't trust anything he says. Like I'm 64% sure he's working for/with Jae-wook, like lowkey this nigga is probably his fucking son or some shit, so if someone "switched it", the number 2 suspect after Jae-wook is Hyun-woo. And the show is annoying t h e s h i t out of me by keeping how he even met Ji-sang super-ambiguous. How dare you not tell me all the fucking information right away in episode 1?? It's bullshit! 

No, shit, shelrockc,meliiiiiiiiike

Okay so Hyun-woo asks if there's anyone Ji-sang suspects at work who could've fucked with his shit. There are two moments like this in the episode, with Hyun-woo asking if anyone's being a weirdo at work. I think this first time, Ji-sang sort of acts like he can't guess who it is. But this is before Derek Jeter Gate. This is before that mess. 

And then he talks about the high frequency wave and acts like he doesn't know where it was coming from. JAE-WOOK HELLO!!! They had that whole stare-off and everything wtf. Okay, keep playing dumb, Ji-sang. I can't wait until Jae-wook creepily enters your office and talks about his love for Derek Jeter and makes everyone so uncomfortable I ca n t fucking wa  it.

Sooooo Jae-wook has some weird laboratory where he's keeping some vampire hostage and I guess doing experiments on it and shit??????

idk it's yawning. Sigh at kdramas always unfolding like a thousand plotlines in one single series. Like I get there are twenty episodes but siiiigh anyway

YEAH

Ri-ta and that other woman doctor are out at a bar??? And I care because???? All Ri-ta can talk about is how much she hates Ji-sang blah blah. The other woman doctor gets annoyed that Ri-ta dragged her out of bed to go to the bar and all she can do is complain about Ji-sang. Then the other woman doctor tries to make the show seem self-aware by being like "lol u liiiike him". Please stop @ my life. 

Ri-ta's like,

gpoy, tbh.

So beer and/or soju drinking lame-os come over and try to holla. 

Ri-ta is sassy and has an attitude like, "What do you want to do to us?" etcetc. The lames are like,

Out of context this looks really creepy lol but the lames were sort of innocuous. Definitely not some typical bothering-ass dudes at the bar. The scene is meant to make Ri-ta look like a bitch for being sassy and getting an attitude and shit. But my dude's hair is too-high, I'd eject reject his ass, too. 

Ji-sang goes to see security so he can check CCTV tapes to see if there's any footage of who broke into his office and messed with his meds. 

They're talking about how the cameras weren't functioning properly at the time and something happened with the door blah blah and they're just generally useless and my face is Ji-sang's face. 

But then they had this shot of him like looking, idk, ominously at Ji-sang as he left security hq and I was like oh, doy, this nigga is on the payroll. Like hello jello Jae-wook fucking owns the hospital or some shit. Of course they're not giving Ji-sang access to no fucking security, is Ji-sang a dummy or what?? And now everyone knows he's suspicious and going around looking for shit. Way to always be three feet behind your enemy like

Ji-sang sees some nigga tryna break into his office

he gets all aggro on him. Turns out, though, he's just some security lakkie checking door codes or some shit. Which I guess we're supposed to accept as okay? But...he's also on the payroll sooooo. 

All the haters are gathered around in some sort of hater circle to talk shit about Ji-sang. Essentially, they're all regular hos and Ji-sang is Angelina Jolie. Like, they're all Chelsea Handlers. They all dated 50 Cent. Ji-sang wouldn't be caught dead dating someone whose name is pocket change. Like, can a nigga at least be called A dollar, I meeeaan. Doctor #13 is talking about how Ji-sang has psycho eyes. Lowkey though, he does. But he's still better than every ho in that building so psycho eyes or not, he'll always be able to steal Bitty Pitt away from Rachel from Friends, keep it cute. 

yeah, like, you're right. No one's denying that. 

YEAH, DAMN, NIGGA - WE GET IT!!!! But tru tho, tru truu. 

Hair Scraps is the only one not participating in the hate-a-thon. He's just like stuffing his face with food? Gpoy

Ri-ta is talking shit about how even if you have to shit you shouldn't just up and leave the operating room and shit. Like, even if you have waterfall diarrhea. I'm almost certain that's in the medical school handbook, like, what is Ji-sang playing at??

Ji-sang does that thing that happens all the time in TV shows where ppl are talking shit about someone and then they come up behind them. He's all like that meme of singers holding their microphone out to the crowd. 

Ji-sang is being sassy about Ri-ta's suggestion that a doctor shouldn't leave surgery even if diarrhea is waterfalling down their scrubs. He's like haha imagine getting in trouble for that, but in like his snarky smirky psychopath eye having sort of way. Also he's a vampire. Please don't forget this. 

OH SHIT. Ri-ta says how leaving surgery to go take a dump is nonchalant behavior but then Ji-sang clapbacks with how having relaxed tea time after surgey is also nonchalant and I screamed and he is the queen of clapbacks but can you even be called queen when there's like zero competition? He's like...the queen by default??

Ri-ta is like a grown ass woman forever getting shut down by a sassy, lithe as fuck vampire model for Kanye West's clothing line - like, I'm so embarrassed for her. How am I supposed to ship them like...they're not compatible if she's never going to come thru with a good comeback like this a fucking mess

Doctor #13 spit out his tea when Ji-sang said that shit about nonchalant tea time. He was all like "He didn't mean me, did he?????" Hair Scraps was like that^^. I'm sort of here for Hair Scraps because he's weird and was stuffing his face with food, but mostly because he doesn't seem to be all over Ji-sang's dick like every1 else??? But also he was sort of lowkey stalking him in ep2 so idk. We'll see. Kdramas will have a character completely change personalities over the course of three episodes and I'll be like "sigh" but also yes it's the best that is why I love this shit. I wonder how this show will end. Like Jae-wook is the villain currently, but watch it turn out he's Ji-sang's uncle and they become best family pals and Ji-sang is hanging off a cliff for some reason like Macaulay Culk in The Good Son and he cries "oppa" or something and we think Jae-wook will save his glass of piss (Elijah Wood) that is also hanging off the cliff but instead he saves Ji-sang :') :333 <333 

There's this sick ass dude and his wifey in Ji-sang's office and Ji-sang is being all harsh and cold giving the man his diagnosis. He's like "Stage 15, you're dying, no treatment will work oh wellllllllll."

The sick dude is trying to win some Korean acting awards by being like^^^. He wants Ji-sang to accept him into the hospital because of how that girl's mom's life got extended for eight whole months and he heard about how Taeman or Teamin or whatever hospital can extend people's lives for like eight whole months wow omg wowww

Ji-sang accepts the sick husband dude but his wife has an attitude about Ji-sang's behavior? Um okaaaay like what do you want Ji-sang to say? Like is he supposed to lie to protect your feelings? Come on. I mean...I guess he could be nicer, but Ji-sang isn't here to make friends. This isn't America's Next Top Best Friend - like. 

And there go ol' snoopy ass Ri-ta over there ready to get all up in somebody's business siiiigh

There's a ward at the hospital especially designated for poor people/the homeless. One of the nurses is complaining because she hates the homeless and think they're gross and "quite ridiculous". 

The Hawaiian looking one is like

The answer is yes. Also the hospital sort of is, too? Like is it weird or okay that they have this super-separated wing for the disenfranchised??? lol, like, why is there a whole...separate wing. Like the way they keep talking about is like "omg we're so noble" but also "make sure these dusty houseless mofos don't touch our paying customers". Liiiiiiike

So...these...baby doctors are assigned the homeless ppl ward. They come walking in and the two dudes are acting like overly bro-y kpop members, massaging each other and shit I'm screaming. 

One of the dudes asks...let me find out this bitch's fucking name because I'll feel like she'll turn out to be an "important" character so let me not give her some offensive nickname siiigh. Okay her name is Ga-yeon. So one of the dudes whose name I will continue to refuse to know is like to her, "Why are you so smiley?" and this fucking bitch seriously says

so sigh @ how annoying she's going to be. 

Then the shorter dude is all

...what? Why would she?? Why is she bleeding from both nostrils???? 

The homeless niggas roll through and they look a mess and also like Inuits so yeah this might take place in Canada for some reason. 

Okay but why is my dude's teeth super nice, though? Homeless but you got a dental plan like okaay

Okay this is Jae-wook's squad and for the first time I'm getting a really good look @ them and screaming at dude on the right and omg he's going to be the one to "befriend" Ji-sang maybe?? I...I just can't. 

Jae-wook introduces his drug team. I'm going to ignore the leader bitch until she actually becomes significant. But now I guess I have to learn dude up there's name sigh let me find it. Okay, Ji-tae. He is the sassmaster supreme, I believe. Like, Ji-sang is queen of clapbacks, but Ji-tae has the sassiness game covered overall. He's salty about Jae-wook's new drug squad. He's like blah blah we're now basically pharmacists. Like really annoyed the drug people and the hospital are working together. Then he talks about how he believes more focus should be on pathology than drug treatment, which, with my limited brain knowledge about literally anything, I agree with. 

Ji-sang tries to make light of the situation in a still sassy/sarcastic way by being like,

and I got so excited, first of all, that he was directly addressing Jae-wook but moving on. He starts giving examples of drug names like

ha ha

s c r ea ming. 

Ri-ta's like,

LIKE SHE'S SERIOUS. IT'S A JOKE OM GG ARE YOU A GROWN ADULT

sssssss burn @Jae-wook. Sort of. Jae-wook is still winning, always, so. 

Then Ji-tae gets even more salty when he realizes he doesn't really have a say in this new drug treatment squad set-up, and dismisses himself from the meeting. 

Jae-wook is like,

and it's everything I ever needed??????? 

THEN JAE-WOOK AND JI-SANG HAVE A STARE-OFF AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL I SHIP THIS SO MUCH THIS SHOW WILL LET ME DOWN SO MUCH I CAN'T WAIT :')

Ji-tae stalks Ji-sang after the meeting to be weird and talk about how much he loves Ji-sang's Asperger's disorder. How much he loves how like blunt he is and probably he's really into trains?? 

Get off his dick damn. 

They have this weird moment. Like if I were watching something less chaste they would go into the bathroom and start raw dogging each other, but this is a kdrama so I guess it's just a moment of them recognizing a potential friendship. 

Then Ji-tae talks about how he was going to be friends with Ji-sang if he turned out to be not as much of a superior supreme vampire being as he turned out to be. And he's being like self-deprecating and sarcastic or something about his lack of talent and skill compared to like all the other not as supreme as Ji-sang but still supreme docs at the hospital. Then Ji-sang tries to make this loser feel better by saying that Ji-tae, too, has a skilll and that it's

He basically calls him the sassmaster supreme and I'm like "tru". And Ji-tae is all touched and like cumming in his pants. Why is everyone so obsessed with Ji-sang? Like, no, I sort of get it. But he's no Jae-wook so. And Ji-tae was getting an attitude with Jae-wook which...just...smfh. 

Sigh. There's some nun bitch at the hospital. The chairman uncle daddy assigns Ji-sang to work on her, instead of Ri-ta who wants to blah blah. 

Blah blah Ri-ta is salty Ji-sang is working on the nun. She chastises him for being so cold with his patients and tells him he better treat Sister Sylvia right. Ji-sang is getting an attitude because he's him, and because Ri-ta is someone you get an attitude with. Then Ri-ta reveals she has a personal relationship with the nun and I'm like *eyerolllllllllllllllllllll*

Oh?? *eyerolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll*

This was funny because the nun was just lying there and siiiiiiiiigh @ any of this nun shit. Like, we already know who Ri-ta is and that she doesn't have parents ugh sigh skip skipppppp. Oh, ugh and I forgot this scene was supposed to show Ji-sang like ~relating~ to Ri-ta's little emotions because he too is motherless and blahahahhahanriomormpom. Can they just become friends already, their bickering is like...like I'm so over it. Become cute with each other already this show isn't good enough to drag it out for multiple episodes please I'm tired already in episode 3 it's enough

Flashback to Ri-ta being an orphan and YES OKAY CONFIRMATION IT'S THAT BITCH FROM EPISODE 1. Okay no more flashbacks thank yoooouuuuu. 

YES FINALLY SOMETHING I CARE ABOUT WAY MORE THAN I NE EEKND DD TO. Jae-wook goes to  Ji-sang's office and it's fucking game tiiiiiimemememe ewhat amd I tlakjging about

YDYYSHSYEYEEYEYEYSS. SO, FIRST OFF: WHY THE EFF IS JAE-WOOK WEARING A TUXEDO???? WHERE ARE YOU GOING, FAM???? OKAY AND SECONDLY WHY DOES HE FEEL SO OBVIOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE IN--NO, WAIT, FIRST. WHEN HE COMES IN HE'S SO FUCKING HAPPY TO BE IN JI-SANG'S OFFICE OMFG ANDF HE'S LIKE GLOWING JFC I WANT TO THROW. UP. So okay Jae-wook wants to make conversation with Ji-sang but he doesn't know how because they're both fucking absolute freaks. Jae-wook wants to express his feelings for Ji-sang. He does so by pointing to the signed Derek Jeter baseball Ji-sang has on his desk. He's like "Is this a Derek Jeter signed baseball?" Ji-sang is like *attitude* "Yes." 

Oh I have a cap of it YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Jae-wook is like

lol he was old as fuck like call it a fucking day

Ayo...Jae-wook...

I'M SCREAMAMAINGINGINGINIGNGINGINGINGINING. Jae-wook is such a fucking freak. He compared Ji-sang to a signed Derek Jeter baseball which he thinks is like the greatest thing of all time and I want to fucking cry like is Jae-wook serious?? Is he?? Like, he can't be??? This is insane fucking behavior plleleeaaaasseee

He's so disgusted and creeped outtttt!!! :') I am legitimately screaming tears. 

Omg he was so embarrassed about comparing Ji-sang to a signed Derek Jeter baseball like I want to cry. He put himself out there and was 100% rejected and mocked and I just can't take this. It's so sad and tragic. Just love him, Ji-sang. Why are you like this??? Like, ohkkaaaaay he's 100%% responsible for the deaths of your parents, sure. But you don't know that! So hurry up and fall in love with Jae-wook before you find out! ugh so annoying

Jae-wook is bragging about how he got Ri-ta's request for a psychological exam on Ji-sang denied. Then he says how he wants Ji-sang's relationship with her to improve (bitch, me 2 ugh). Ji-sang is all salty like "I'll take care of that on my own thanx kthanxxx thank uuuuuuuu!!" 

Then Jae-wook is being weird again, talking about how he's allowed Ji-sang access to the database or whatever the fuck. Like, redflag, Ji-sang, you're not going to find whatever you're looking for. Then Jae-wook is all "Rules were made for dummies, unlike you, my sweet angel babycakes." 

^^^^^^^^^^. Why is Ji-sang above the law, Jae-wook, hmm??? Because he's the human equivalent of a signed Derek Jeter baseball??? It's not like it's a signed Jason Giambi tissue he used to stuff in his sweaty butt crack. Get a grip. 

YES MY FAVORITE. JAE-WOOK HOLDS HIS HAND OUT FOR JI-SANG TO SHAKE AND I'M LIKE OMG UR A DUMMY HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED FROM BEFORE WHEN U TRIED TO DO THIS AND JI-SANG 2,000% REJECTED UR THIRSTY ASS???? HMMMM, JAE-WOOK???? WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID HOW CAN I LOVE U IF U INSIST ON BEING THE UTMOST DUMMIEST!?!? 

HE'S SMILING LIKE HE DOESN'T FEEL THE PAIN OF THE LAST TIME JI-SANG DENIED HIS HANDSHAKE AND GAVE HIM THAT WEAK ASS BOW R U KIDDING ME JAE-WOOK WHY DO U OFFER URSELF UP LIKE THIS JUST TO BE ACID ATTACKED BACK DOWN TO IRRELEVANCY IN JI-SANG'S HEART I DON'T UNDERSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND

BUT JI-SANG SHAKES IT I'M SCREAMING. But lowkey it's even worse than the last time when he didn't shake it, because Ji-sang is clearly disgusted by Jae-wook??? And doesn't want to??? He like barely touches his hand I want to die in my sleep

STOP

THEN THEY HAVE LIKE A STARE-OFF AND IT'S THE BEST AND I'M JUST GOING TO POST ALL THE SCREENCAPS I TOOK OF IT SERIOUSLY SOMEONE PLEASE SLICE OPEN MY FUCKING THROAT 

WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING???

Ok, so I realized I've made a huge mistake in trying to recap every episode of this show. You live, you learn, you know??? I mean...Jae-wook said in the show that stupid ppl learn from living but smart people learn from history and tbh he can suck my dick. I'm on episode...6...right now and I'm just going to watch the rest of the show and then recap the rest in a single post that will still be too long and really egregious and full of, hopefully, pics of Jae-wook just sitting around in his creepy vampire bachelor's pad sipping on pee tea and reading complicated looking novels probably about how to pretend really hard that you have no feelings even though flashbacks show you sort of do. Also your intense, creepy interest in Ji-sang. That also shows you have feelings. In multiple areas of your body wink wink ugh please releas eme f romr rmthjmy msiery

Okay but a couple of questions I have that will probably be answered once I finally fucking finish watching the show but that I want to ask anyway because 

1. So why did Ji-sang lie to Hyun-woo about not having seen any suspicious characters at work?? His mind flashbacked to Jae-wook being creepy and asking about the baseball - why didn't he tell Hyun-woo about that??? Does he not trust Hyun-woo just as I do not?? Or does he not want to really acknowledge what he thinks about Jae-wook

                   a. JAE-WOOK IS SO OBVIOUSLY THE ONE WHO'S AFTER HIM/THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS PARENT'S DEATH. Why is Ji-sang acting like all the signs aren't there??? Wtf this show is being ridiculous trying to drag this revelation out

                   b. Also, if Ji-sang doesn't trust Hyun-woo, why he got this nigga all up in his house doing all this shit for him. Alsoalso IS HYUN-WOO WORKING FOR JAE-WOOK OR NAH?? This is bothering me so much I will be super pissed if he is. Alsoalsoalso...is Hyun-woo's only purpose in life to service Ji-sang?? Like does he ever leave that house? Also, who buys those ~trendy~ outfits for him??? Hyun-woo is such a mystery to me that I think maybe I don't want to be solved tbqfh 

                   c. Okay and so I've seen episodes 4 and 5 and I am still so confused about what Jae-wook's mission is. Like, I know he injected himself with the vampire pathogen and he used to be a doctor and he wanted to rule the world or become a god or something and cure every1 whatever. And okay, I get that he just kills any1 who disagrees with him. But...what is his purpose with Ji-sang???? Why does he think...Ji-sang would not be like his parents? Like where would he even get that idea? And he gets upset when Ji-sang shows compassion/human emotions, but isn't altruism and stuff sort of important to his initial goal of wanting to just cure all the people??? He is seriously such a contradiction or some shit. Idk, maybe watch more episodes to find out uggggh @ me 

                  d. Also! Oh! Ji-tae is the son of that mentor dude Jae-wook killed. This should get interesting...maybe. This show is honestly doing too much, but maybe it'll all come smoothly together. Lol, this is a dramedy about a vampire fucking doctor. And one of the side characters is an actual fucking robot with legitimate dialogue. lol @ me thinking this will all come ~smoothly together~. If that robot isn't killed off, this show is a failure, end of.