I'm Getting Tired of White People: Wild (2014)

I'm still watching their movies, tho smh.

This here Wild mess was alright. Like, it was nothing special. It did have me in my feelings a little bit, which movies rarely do these days. That part where that creepy little boy was singing to Reese/Cheryl? I had to force my tears down because I refused to get weepy at that weird, corny ass shit. Did that little boy have ringlets?? ALSO...what was the "problem" (problems????) he said he had that he couldn't talk about and then his grandma looked really afraid??? Also did they have an alpaca??? ANYWAY.

SO ANYWAY!! Though this movie had me in my feelings at points, I was still watching it like "okay???" "and???". This movie/story is a little late in my opinion. That of a ~messed up~ white bitch ~*~finding herself~*~. Okay, cool. Gooood. Good good. But I liked it better when it was called Madame Bovary?? You know? Or like when Kate Chopin had that weak bitch drowning herself in The Awakening. Or fucking Anna K jumping in front of that train. Or Sylvia Plath's doppelgänger being like "lol fuck this shit" in The Bell Jar. Or even Winona turning her nose up at MTV coins in Reality Bites.  Like, WE GET IT.

I actually like this story. It is ~~~~relatable~, sort of. I'm a messy woman, so it's cool to see horrible people sort of like me onscreen. But this story is definitely getting old being told through all these white hoes. Like if you're going to continue to make this story, you gotta start casting the weird chalkheads. Casting the Gaby Hoffmanns or Eva Greens in the lead. I mean, Reese Witherspoon? Lol. She's not even a bad actress, but the same ho who was in Legally Blonde 2 shall not be the same ho playing a promiscuous heroin-doer, looking all squeaky clean white teeth and shit. GIRL, OKAY. And you had Gaby in the movie and you completely wasted her hairy, haggardly-esque face!!! She would've been perfect for this sort of role. Wtf? I mean...I guess you have to get *the name* to put asses in the seats? But honestly we need to stop pretending the movie star still exists. No one is going to see movies for Reese Witherspoon. Didn't we learn this with How Do You Know? and Water for Elephants or literally anything she has done since.....................whatever her last "hit" was. I think it might've been that mess with Tom Hardy and Chris Pine? No one went to that movie to see that bitch. It was all about Tommy versus Jughead. AND I CANNOT BELIEVE SHE ENDED UP WITH CHRIS IN THE END SPOILER ALERT.

What was I complaining about? Right, white people. So, anyway, I still cape for this...type of story, I'm just going to need for casting to be switched up at this point. I get why--Thinking about this movie, I get why Reese was cast. Because Cheryl was sort of "perfect", right? Before her mother's death. Then she turned up in her grief. So maybe a Gaby Hoffmann wouldn't have been totally accurate to portray pre-mom death Cheryl, in order to provide context for post mommy death Cheryl. So okay fine. All I'm saying is the base foundation of this story has been done a million gajiliion times and this particular one didn't totally need to be told, or if it had to be...like it needed to be told by a far more interesting actress, in my opinion. You know what I need to see? That movie Mia Wasikowska did. That might be better just based off the fact that Mia is more interesting than Reese, and I think that movie doesn't have some angle like "oh poor me and my horrible life". Like I think that bitch was just like "fuck society" and went to go chill with kangaroos and dingoes and shit far away from civilization. That sounds relatable and maybe I will like that better. At least Michiel fucking Huisman will not be there. Right? His annoying ass is not in that movie, correct? I am TIRED of him and his fucking beard and having some weird French name but not even having a fucking accent. Or is it like a Danish or Dutch name? EITHER WAY HE IS NOT INTERESTING ENOUGH TO MATCH HIS NAME AND I THINK I MIGHT BE BIASED AGAINST HIM BECAUSE HE WAS INTRODUCED TO ME THROUGH NASHVILLE WHICH IS A HORRIBLE SHOW AND HIS CHARACTER WAS USELESS BUT FANS STAYED SHIPPING HIM AND EVEN MORE USELESS RAYNA AND OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I USED TO SERIOUSLY WATCH NASHVILLE I ONLY RECENTLY STOPPED WATCHING IT JESUS WHAT HAVE I DONE

Anyway!! Start making these tragic hoes finding themselves movies with more "interesting" actors. Non-whites, let's keep it real. Make these messy movies with some Azealia Banks-type bitch. Actually Azealia Banks? Perhaps no. I mean, if you really wanted to do something, perhaps fucking yes. But maybe just a black bitch from Juilliard who looks like Yung Rapunxel and can turn up like Yung Rapunxel, but who is not a Lindsay Lohan-level insurance risk. Get me some Asians on the screen! And not just the pale faces. Throw some Vietcong and Filipino hoes at me. Latina bitches would be good for this type of story, too. I almost want to say I've seen this "type" of story with a Latinx honey in the lead, but it was probably a Spanish film, which doesn't count. Because I had to read subtitles. Come on, do better. But seriously imagine Wild if Azealia Banks was Cheryl. Imagine this. She would've eaten that fox, and called that little boy a fag. That is the type of--CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THERE WAS ONLY ONE BLACK PERSON IN THE WHOLE MOVIE AND HE WAS A FUCKING REPORTER FOR HOBO TIMES??? What sort of ratchet shit is that? And you can totally tell his role was cast at the last minute. Someone was like..."lol w8 we forgot to cast 'Jimmy Carter'". And then someone else was like "omg and we also forgot to fulfill our diversity quota - Michiel doesn't count because tho he has a cool name, he is essentially a miracle whip dollop on a greying boiled egg!! Let's cast this hobo times nigga with a nigga! *Tim's Boss voice* Bing bang boom done!!"

smh, I'm tired of you chalkheads, essentially. And I can't even take a break from you because are black movies better? NO! No they are not! Black shows aren't even better. Like, Empire is a mess??? In a mostly bad way??? No, but I'll wait. Literally I will just sit here and wait and do nothing. You think you can say to me "Well make your own shit, then?" HAHA I laugh at you thinking I give a fuck about looking stupid or lazy. I am proud of being indignant and 100% non-proactive. Anyway, complaining but doing nothing works sometimes. Pretty sure that's how the Holocaust got cancelled. 

The Boys in the Band (1970)

This is one of my favorite type of movies. Like, yelly play stuff. But bitchy. And the dialogue is good...ish. You can't just have any yelly stuff, tho. Like one of the more recent movies like this, Carnage, was absolute fucking trash. Maybe it's better on stage? And not directed by a kiddie rapist? And not starring, like, Kate Winslet and fucking John C. Reilly and goddamn Jodie Foster jesus.

Yelly, bitchy play movies can go really wrong and just be a hot mess and not even in a good way like a trashy reality television celebrity with a lacefront wig line for babies. Fortch for me, The Boys in the Band is one of those bitchy, yelly play movies that is a hot mess in a good way. And also lowkey not even a hot mess. But highkey definitely a hot mess because why is the turn-up so fucking real in this movie? Michael goes 0 to 100 real quick and it's like lol okay he had like one drink damn relax. Except don't because I love him fire-breathing at everyone, even if...like even if it's...just wayyyyyyyy over the fucking top. And let me not even act like Mikey isn't a dick before he knocks back a few. Like even before the drinking he was being hella anxious about his college pal coming over, and snapping at everyone, especially Joaquin Phoenix or Emory Board or whatever the fuck her name is. Like, let's not even act like Michael turns into a monster when he drinks when even before alcohol activated his Godzilla he was tossing like cashmere sweaters on the floor and shit. Wait - it wasn't cashmere was it? It was some other expensive-y ass shit. Llama cum or some shit. Who just tosses sweaters on bathroom floors? And I know Mikey's bathroom floor is covered in like sweat droplets from him exhaustedly dragging that hairline forth. Anyone who tosses llama cum sweaters on a bathroom floor is basically Aileen Wuornos. Wait, but come on - was Aileen really even that much of a monster? So she killed some johns? Lol and? Like who is really checking for them, tho?!?!?!

So I watched this on youtube, because that's a thing I do. Life is terrible. Anyway, I took a bunch of screenshots? But as I was going through them I was like "¿¿¿". Like, most of them sort of need captions to explain...like why I screencapped them lol sooooooo. Like this isn't a super-visual film. This isn't some Tarsem Singh bull ish so...what am I doing? This is a play-type movie that's like all about dialogue and campy acting, and screenshots don't capture that really at all in any way. Hmm, but do you think that's going to stop me from posting them? *Sebastian voice* NO!

Michael having like an oil painting of himself in his apartment is so apt. Is that a fucking ascot, my pal? I just........I want one.

I love Emory he's so cute with his little shorts and googly eyes and abundant seventies chest pubes. Why does he remind me of Joaquin Phoenix? lol. He a little looks like him, right? But also, like, Uncle Fester? NOOOO SHAAAAADE. Because seriously Emory is a baby doll and would maybe be my fave character if Harold didn't exist and also Michael lol they are my favorites. I don't want to like Michael tho he is soooo mean omg but please he is so cute in his sweaters sigh. Emory kills me tho. Like when he was at the traffic light with that lady - imfomcj dek ide chendyendie. It confuses me how he made it to adulthood. I mean, I think that about myself and I'm nowhere near as hype, nor as much of a target as he is. Omg, hold up I think I remember reading about all the actors and, like, most of them died from AIDS and shit, right? Or am I confusing this with Paris Is Burning? How offensive am I being right now? Like, right this minute, how many hell points am I racking up? I'm not going to look it up to see what happened to the actor because he's separate from Emory, who probably didn't even have to wait for GRID to come through before his ass got wiped out. He likely contracted ebola or leprosy or at the very least a staph infection from frequently visiting the baths, which is no fucking joke, like...public baths? Come on that's an oxymoron!!!

Mikey's ol' boy from college, Alan. I couldn't get a good read on Alan, tho I think that was the point. Was he a queerbo? Like, everyone is, come on. But what number on the Kinsey scale was Alan? Was he more 4 leaning????? Why did he call Michael crying? Something happened with his wife, sure. But do he and Mikey have the type of relationship like that where his grown man ass can call Michael up bawling about a domestic dispute? It definitely seemed like he'd call Michael about some ~confusing~ feelings. Or, actually, no, because isn't Michael under the impression that Alan has no idea he is gay? LOL. If Alan is in the closet, that nigga is in fucking Narnia, lemme tell ya. 

And his obsession with Hank!!! Lol. Why was he so taken with Hank? I guess Hank was the most normal-seeming? He could've fucked with Larry, but Larry wasn't fucking here for it right away, so Alan just latched on to Hank. The beer drinker! Okay, but...how is...is Alan really in denial about Michael being gay? The way he acted...like I'm sure he knows Mikey is gay. No str8 dude is hanging out with a faerie like Emory unless they've convinced themselves he is a woman. A thirsty club thot. With a vagina!! Obviously!! 

Okay but Alan had a crush on Hank, tho, right? Didn't he tell Michael he thought he was a good-looking man? Lol, either he is really shallow and chooses friends based on looks (who doesn't???), or he was tryna get it in!!!! Shit, I don't blame him. Hank is mad cute. Especially when his shirt is open and he's all sweaty and he has his glasses on???? girrrrlrlrrrlrlrlllllll

Emory's boobs. I screenshat this because...Emory had cracked a lil' quip. He stayed making little side comments. Like Emory is super adorable but he can also keep up with the big girls (ugh!!) and boyyyyyy all the little slick shit he was saying about Alan lol. Ugh so annoyed I don't have any captions because I do not remember a single gay ass thing he said siigighghgh

Harold!! I love him so much. Lol doesn't someone mention in the movie that he's only like thirty? I AM SCRE A M I N.G. 

Stop lying!!!!!

Harold laughing at Emory "gifting" him a midnight cowboy. It is...terrible to gift a human being to someone, but at least he's white, and dumb. No...him being dumb might cancel out the fact that he's white. And like who is Emory to be taking advantage of the disabled lol like excuse me, sweetheart.

Harold's pockmarks <333 

So, OKAY, do Michael and Harold love each other? Am I being mad dumb for even asking - like is it super-obvious? Their...interactions were mad intense, and they seemed to really get under each other's skins, and, like, neither of them played that telephone game. Hmmmmm!!! And then at the end Harold is all "lol talk 2 u 2moro!!!". I can't tell if they're bestfriends who are sort of cut from the same cloth, or if they are like...secretly in love with each other but not acting on it due to various very obvious reasons why that relationship would never fucking work and there's all this tension???¿¿¿ I just really want to know who either of them would call...like, who do they love. I guess that thing at the end with Harold basically telling Michael not to fuck with him because he was bigger and badder was a not at all subtle confirmation that they'd both call each other if they had the balls? Orrrrrrr that neither of them would call fucking anyone because they've never loved anyone? Either way it's all horrible and I relate so much :,)

This was when Harold was eating his lasagna (his second helping?) and Mikey was berating him for taking hours to apply his makeup before leaving the house. Michael is so mean like who attacks their friends over obvious insecurities? Lol who am I talking about that is the only friendship I've ever known. What I love about Harold tho is 1. the napkin ascot, and 2. him continuing to eat while Michael goes in. I would just stop roasting a nigga if they continued to eat while I was doing it. Mad disrespect.

Harold continuing to gorge whilst Michael tries to make him feel bad for being thirty years old. LOL STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Lol is this when Harold was all "MAKEUP: PAID FOR! SKIN PICKING TOOLS: PAID FOR! QUAALUDES TO KILL MYSELF WITH: PAID FOR!!" ??? How does Michael get his shit, tho? Obviously going in debt on credit cards, but you can't buy/rent an apartment on credit, can you? And it's a pretty nice one, with an outside deck and an upstairs? I'm assuming he's like a rentboy? But wow that should have been more explicit because no one really talks about it and lol all that going in he was doing, they could've shut him down real quick with an "ok but u suck 4 bux, so?".

I love the interactions between Hank and Larry. They're mad butch, and their relationship is clearly toxic as fuck. It's like mad sad because Larry fucks around on Hank and Hank is all sad puppy like "ok but I left my wife for ur ass" and Larry is all flippant like "lol but who told u 2 do that, sweetie:)???". But they both call each other when they play the telephone game and UGHGGH. Especially "ugh" when Hank calls Larry. Who is telling Hank--right, Alan is all "don't do it, Hank!". Lol fall your thirsty ass back, pleeeeease!!

lol I forgot about the black one. Who didn't I mean!! I'm annoyed his telephone call was basically to the son of his slave master? (???) Lol, okay, NEXT!! And then this nigga is like crying and moaning after he calls the dude and he isn't home. He tells the mom "oh, I wanted to say sorry about the divorce". This bitch was probably like why the fuck is my ex-maid's little niggerling calling me up inquiring about my son's personal's affairs? smh, do better.

Yes. Hank with the glasses, his sleeves rolled up and shit YESSSSS. Michael's smug horrible ass over there smirking like he wasn't unintentionally gruesomely embarrassing himself with this little game. Larry's bastard ass in the back like "Why am I always the villain??!" lol, shut up, you slore. Alan's weird ass in Hank's ear telling him not to call Larry. If Alan isn't yes homo, he's at least a really strange dude. He's at least a fucking oddball, if he isn't just straight-up homo as hell.

Michael going off on??? Everyone??? This might've been when he was popping off on Harold (again). Why was he so heated lol I forget. I think he def got mad when Larry called Hank? Because they both got 7 points or whatever? Just know they were showing Michael's non-participating ass up. Orrr maybe this was after Alan called his wife and Michael was tryna out him but, like, Alan refused to be outed? Mikey's like "You fucked Todd!" or whomever that random college buddy of theirs they were talking about was. Alan's like "um, no? I didn't??". Still have no idea about Alan. What I do know is that he is boring as fuck, and I'm side-eyeing Michael for being friends with him post-college. Like, drop this nigga wtf. 

lol this is when Harold came for Michael ultimately. Like, just obliterated him with a long ass "shut up". Like a really drawn out "sit down and be quiet, sweetie". 

I am alive.

This was Michael feeling obliterated and everyone else around him being casualties of that ATOMIC FUCKING BOMB Harold dropped on him. 

But I don't get why Michael got so touched. Maybe the drunkiness? Idk, but if I were him I wouldn't have let Harold see me hurt/affected. What the fuck, how long have you been a cruel queen? I mean, bitchy queer shit 101, sonny.

gpoy

Harold isn't done lol. Pull yourself together, Michael, before your comb-forward coils back!!

kmfvo,imdundicmdoc r.

TO-TAL

DEVA-STA-TION

lol why is Michael shrieking like a banshee because Harold called him on his shit? Lol, bitch, please, they probably do this once a week, at least. How is your whimpery ass really on the floor screaming right now??? And no socks? Are you some sort of African?!?!?!

Remember when what'shisface, the ~book reader~ (poor), tried to make Michael feel better? Like, "u used to be way worse haha"? And Michael laughed and was feeling better but then with the motherfucking quickness got all nasty like "What do you mean I was worse?!" or some shit and started going in on him a little? Lol, he mad nasty and horrible. Then he's all "I'm going to mass". Boyyyyy it's too late for all that lol but okay, whatever you need to tell yourself.

lol I capped the actor credits. I was gonna crop this but thought it amusing to just leave as is - proof I legit watched this shit on youtube and now it can get pulled because I'm being a snitch :'). And lol @ Dissily Mordentroge (???). Like, that's the point of the movie, non? And @ Duncan Whyte: what "heterosexual" was "accidentally" invited to a ~*~homosexual~*~ party? That delivery dude? I see no heteros. Maybe Larry when he's on top? But why do I feel like L-boy is a bottom? A power bottom, but a bottom, nonetheless. <.<

 

P.S. A "fact" I read about Kenneth Nelson is that he moved to Paris or something soon after this movie came out because he couldn't abide by a country that made John Travolta a movie star. That's a really great fact about yourself to have on your resume. I'm so annoyed at that, too, Kenny! Like you should've been a star. It's some bullshit no one in this movie was even remotely relevant after this. Lol actually I have no idea if they were, but the fact that I don't know, means they weren't, okay? And look how dumb you look, Hollywood, for making Travolta a *star*. Egg on your fucking face, dummies!

Ayo, Frederick Combover was never looking that cute in the movie. He was serving Scoot McNairy teas the entire show, but hmmmm...this screencap is saying differently. Very top tier seventies porn star, no? Or would a Larry-type be more popular? Both? Everyone has different tastes, you need a stud for all the girls!! 

Stop it.

Laurence Luckinbill? Come on. Lookin' like the neighbor friend that gave Mike Brady AIDS smh. Should've returned the leaf blower, Mike.

Whoo! Yes, boy! Keith. Of course. The only ish is no lips. Like none. Are big lips a plus or a deterrent for bussy-eating? I can't ask google this stuff, she doesn't know what's good. Perhaps, Bing?

You're so boring!! Peter White? Smh, duhhhh! Duh that's your name. Nah, this nigga right here is the neighbor friend who gave Mike AIDS. And not even for a good reason like not returning the leaf blower, he just did it because. Well, that at least makes him less of a dullard. Smh, I guess.

Yo, Bernard is mad cute, but sooooooo irrelevant. And they were making watermelon jokes about him less than two seconds after he walked in COME! ON! I think I looked up Reuben Greene and he maybe had some little credits on his resume? But perhaps not? I think he did a movie with Patty Duke where he played her baby daddy? Maybe not him, but that movie definitely exists. Lemme see if youtube got that shit so I can watch it illegally and make a blogspot.com blogpost about how much I hated it but secretly liked it because I am a sadomasochist and perhaps should be doing therapy instead of "reviewing" movies I watch on youtube? Perhaps.

Why was Harold's bought sex slave that Michael kept telling to shut up more relevant than Bernard hmmm come on he doesn't even have a proper character name come onnnn!!!

My queen. He looks really familiar like I've seen him in a bunch of seventies movies but I'm too lazy to check. Maybe I'm just confusing him for Elliott Gould. Put your sunglasses back on, Harry, for that epic shaaaaaaaddddeee!! Or, I guess you wouldn't need them? SIGH

Where THE FUCK is Eric Roberts??? hmm?!!: Inherent Vice (2k14) edition

Hm, PTA??

This nigga has a character poster but only like TWO ACTUAL FUCKING SECONDS OF SCREENTIME?!?!! And he's not even fully upright. 

He's like lying back in a chair and drugged or something?!?! What is??? Like thank you for the stubble and I think he was in some weird cult outfit, which is a good look for him, but COME ON. You gave that big blockheaded nigga Josh Brolin mad screentime and at one point he was even in blackface I think (????!?!?!?) and Eric gets...blotto. I don't comprehend, PTA. But I should have known you were suspect when you cast Adam Sandler in a major lead in literally anything. How is Adam Sandler going to be your muse? Like, you only tried it that one time and I'm guessing people came for that ass, but the fact--THE FACT THAT YOU EVER TRIED IT??? And casting Mark Wahlberg in a major role also??? Like, yeah, he perfectly fit that Dirk Diggler role, but only, like, cuz he's an actual real life Dirk Diggler. And if you were gonna cast him, you could have gone cheaper and cast literally any rando porn actor???? And, trust, I've seen better acting in porn films than anything Marky Mark could slowly regurgitate up from his bowels. And when I say I've seen better acting in porn films, I mean, I've...heard about...better acting. Heard about thru ye old grapevine!

So, like, I'm not ~reviewing~ this movie. Because 1. nan didn't even know what the fuck was going on half the time, and 2. Instead of forcing my ADD ass brain to concentrate super-hard on something I'm almost pretty certain is not supposed to make sense unless you are on drugs, I was too busy being like "???? where the??? f u ??? c???K??? is ??? E-rob????? Hmmmm¿¿¿??? whe??Re?? is???? he???". So I can't ~review~ the movie because I just...don't even really remember what happened, and even if I, like, did, who cares? Because no Eric Roberts. Soooooo IRRELEVANT. 

But eventho you failed me in almost every imaginable way, PTA, with this shit, thank you for casting Joaquin again. I like him as your muse, even if you're going to make bullshhhhhiiii like this. You focus the camera really all up close on his face and that's all I really need in my life. 

CLOSE-UPS OF THEM MOTHERFUCKING EYEBROWS!!! AND THAT CLEFT LIP YESSSSS YAAAAASSSSSSS!! 

Also, the seventies look is really good for hippie-dirty ass Joaq. Everyone's calling him "Joaq" now? Right? Because of Miles Teller? I hope so. 

Also thanks for giving me that moment of ol' boy Joaq screaming at that picture of Jena Malone and her veneers' baby. This movie was lowkey funny but highkey I never reaaalllly had any idea what I was laughing at. PTA doing comedy makes me uncomfortable. But lowkey you can tell he's the type of dude obsessed with Will Ferrell comedies, and like Happy Gilmore is his holy grail. Mess. 

Alsoalso, thanks for reminding me Benicio Del Toro was alive. I didn't even think he was dead, I just forget he ever existed. Good on!